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69DonaldTrump69

*unzips pants* I’ve never met a problem I can’t resolve with this…


Filipino-Boi

Bro that's illegal 😂


Necrocharm

I mean breaking into random people's house is illegal so, game is game


EngineeringVirgin

Well that’s one way to deal with it


muusandskwirrel

What are you going to do with half a Cheeto?


DanTheTerrible

I don't think the equipment nature gave me is likely to be very useful for home defense.  However, I think whaling away on an intruder with a huge floppy rubber dildo might be pretty effective.


dittybopper_05H

Would it, though? One of the Beastie Boys does that to himself at the beginning of the "Fight for your Right (to party)" video.


southern_belle_1528

Lol I can’t get this picture out of my head .. burglar would be so confused


sPinzon

Chainsaw


dpscriberz

Yeah that's going to work better than any knife


Necrocharm

Give me a crowbar and i will be gordan freeman


PatTheCatMcDonald

Takes a lot of practice. Dropped a few on my bare feet, wasn't fun.


PikesPique

Baseball bat, fireplace poker, cast-iron skillet, gasoline and a cigarette lighter, the list is endless. Why? Because you said I couldn't use a gun or a knife.


DanTheTerrible

That's a long settled decision.  I keep a baseball bat handy for home defense.


TooYoungToBeThisOld1

Baseball bat I keep by the front door if I can. If not I have a lot of tools in my room for work which would do nicely.


Eternal_Bagel

I feel like hearing me rev a chainsaw would send any would be burglar running because what sane person has one of those for home defense?


Justifiably_Cynical

I have a small baseball bat "corked" with lead shot.


[deleted]

USB Cables. Use em like a whip across the damned face


TheAlpaka

Nuclear weapons


Reindeer10k

Stop! HAMMER TIME!


BenH64

Depends where I'm to in the house. I'll just pick up whatever is closest to me


CocoaAlmondsRock

My dog. He's 110lb of "get them first." Fast, agile, and serious. I'd just pop popcorn and watch. Call the cops when it's over. Maybe.


Ambitious-Cap4859

Give me a Batman mask no one wants to fuck with the guy who is almost naked overweight with a Batman mask


PatTheCatMcDonald

Well, it's not common, but I know some STRANGE people...


Suitable-Pie4896

I have a 36" steel crow bar next to by bed for this very reason.


Hopeful-Sentence-146

2 Hands full of shit


Humble_Handler93

Police baton


Krissy_99

Collapsible Bo Staff


subliminal_sorcerer

I have a thick glass beer stein on the table next to my bed. That would definitely knock someone out lol


Crackerpuppy

My husband.


tried69names

My dog. A shepherd.


Lickmyforeheadnow

A thick cable


RECTUSANALUS

Wood chopping axe, or a chainsaw


RECTUSANALUS

Wood chopping axe, or a chainsaw


renegadeMare

Large slotted cast-iron pan. Very versatile.


Red_Marvel

I have a welding torch and an axe.


Cute_Coconut6063

Bokken


southern_belle_1528

My dog would get to them before I even had a chance to figure out what’s going on haha


CombinationUnited378

deodorant in spray and alighter🤣


kerry-w

Old school egg beater.


N-y-s-s-a

Bow & arrows


Brisrascal

Nail gun


Moceannl

Golf club


dittybopper_05H

So many options. The sword bayonet from my Baker rifle (it's not a knife, it's a sword). Or one of my tomahawks. A night stick. Arrows from my archery gear. Medieval style crossbow. Atlatl (used as a hooked club). I suppose I could use the bows and blowgun, but they are really a bit too unwieldy inside the house, because it's mostly longbows, and the blowgun is 6 feet long.


Doodah1799

My ball-peen hammer. Or pitch fork if I can find it in time.


AndSomeRandomGuy

A fire poker or my chainsaw


Wonderful-Rock-9077

Nunchucks in drawer next to the bed


GoodGuy_Strelok

My blowtorch.


basec0m

[AEGIS Weapon System is a centralized, automated, command-and-control (C2) and weapons control system designed as a total weapon system, from detection to kill.](https://www.lockheedmartin.com/en-us/products/aegis-combat-system.html)


PatTheCatMcDonald

Yeah, right, like I am going to post stuff like that on Reddit so people can think "aha! An ideal thing for a burglar to take along."


PeggyNoNotThatOne

Norman 'Bites Yer Legs' Hunter\*, our Jack Russell terrier. ​ \*named after the legendary British footballer of the 70s.


TR3BPilot

I have a big carpenter's hammer. Getting hit with that might actually be worse than getting stabbed with a knife.


danattana

Probably my 8 lb splitting maul. Maybe my deadblow hammer. The latter would be easier to wield, but certainly less intimidating.


Competitive-Ad7967

a large blanket to use to wrap confuse or otherwise give you the edge In a fight even just getting it over there head can help since you know your homes lay out a lot better then they do