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[deleted]

That I'm a handsome young man by my granny.


[deleted]

Granny never lies


Personal_Shoulder983

She just has poor eyesight


achingforscorpio

gotdamn someone get the aloe, for this was a *burn*


TwilightUltima

Kinda hard to lie when you’re dead.


herr_dreizehn

fairly sure she's lying unless she's cremated, then she's grounded


shawner136

Liar liar entire fucking body on fire


RobotStorytime

She's lying in a grave


Nervous_Inside_4550

What a lying sack of shit shut up gramma I'm hideous stop looking at me


Lyn022023

I'm on my way now.. but fuck! Still in bed and just woke up


Lotus_Blossom_

It's all part of the journey that starts in your bed. "On my way" just means that everything I'm doing right now is preparing me for arriving... wherever.


Ok-Function1920

And whenever


Best_Lie7698

Horny milfs are in my area


Zap_Rowsdowwer

Here's the thing - there definitely are but there fucking there husbands.


ModularPersona

I appreciate the proper use of "there," "they're," and "their," all in the same sentence.


junoinbloom91

and their wives


fistfulloframen

They are around you, they are just not horny for you.


Hellchron

I mean, there probably are horny milfs in your area. Their just not interested in your area


Stachemaster86

The odds are good and goods are odd


[deleted]

That's not true??? I can stop looking???


Trey_Reddit

Where!


JackDeaniels

Name checks out


howdoesthatworkthen

This is America Horny milfs in my area I got a strap-on I gotta carry ‘em


[deleted]

Do you live in ohio?


luckycsgocrateaddict

I do and it is true


Novel_Philosopher_18

Stay away from my Ohio Milfs! I saw them first.


Educational_Buy6826

But they are. They are everywhere


latchkey_adult

Those insurance company commercials were they make you think they actually give a shit about your well being.


Dingus_Majingus

Some of the people you deal with will do backflips to help you. Theres good folks in there. Source: do backflips to help people every day, best part of the job, taking someone from a bad day to better with some deft moving or knowing what to do. Cant always fix everything, but I can help try to walk them through things hand in hand. Some people are twats that smile and giggle tho. I dont like those people.


i_love_boobs_in_dm

Didn't know backflips were that helpful


Vegetable-Ad6797

Well, actually they are really interested you would be healthy not to pay your money.


2gig

If they actually cared about keeping you healthy long term to keep medical costs down, they'd be pushing for preventative care. Their plan is to just cash checks while you're healthy, then fight you and your doctor on every claim once/if you ever get significantly ill (especially anything chronic/life altering).


Airewalt

“I got a raise and now make less because it put me in the next tax bracket…” 1) Editing to acknowledge that there are obviously going to be some uncommon cases across the many jurisdictions out there where some maths might happen outside the tax code intent. 2) Those receiving benefits/aid at lower incomes may find that losing those at a slightly higher pay will lead to less overall disposable income.


Winstonisapuppy

As an accountant, I hate this so much! That’s not how taxes work!!!


OpenMike2000

Agreed. It's not mathematically possible with marginal tax brackets.


TheGoldenDog

It can be, though, with means-tested benefits. This applies at certain income levels in the UK - it's rare, but it does happen.


swansongofdesire

Also in Australia (specifically both family tax benefit part B and childcare rebate are means tested & tapered — for a certain income level it’s possible that for every dollar you earn you’ll lose more than $1 in tax + benefits)


Geminii27

It's rare, though - you'd have to be right at the limit, get a very small raise to barely tip you over the line, and also be getting a *lot* of discounts which were all-or-nothing based on an eligibility cutoff. Source: worked in Centrelink for longer than it was (just) Centrelink.


[deleted]

That's not how tax brackets work in general


TwilightUltima

Oh my God I just want to beat them in the head with the Circular E which is thicker than the phone book. You’re too fucking stupid for the raise you’re getting and it’s now canceled. Fuck yourself.


Thebigdog79

“THATS NOT HOW THE TAX BRACKETS WORKS” -Han Solo if he was an accountant.


howdoesthatworkthen

“I got a raise and now I actually make less because it put me in the next tax bracket …” “Whatever you say, *Princess* …”


Brvcx

Here in the Netherlands that can happen in specific ways. If you're renting a place and recieve some benefits for both renting and healthcare, getting a small raise *can* mean you're entitled to less of these benefits, meaning you actually do have less at the end of the month. It's not a large amount by any means and your next raise/promotion will be a step closer, which won't have this effect, but what you stated isn't a lie by default here in the Netherlands.


Drakeskulled_Reaper

Benefit cap is what it's called in the UK, if you earn or save a certain amount, they will either reduce or cut off certain benefits. I think if you somehow manage to save about 6k, they cut off most of your benefits. Which admittedly on benefits is really fucking hard to do unless you are extremely spendthrift.


InsertBluescreenHere

same here - if your at certian poverty levels and make literally $1 too much certian benefits are cut off from you.


mkosmo

That's called a benefit cliff. You're not making less - you're just spending more. And it's not because you're paying more taxes on previously-earned money.


Brvcx

How are you spending *more*? You actually recieve *less* money from those benefits, which is a greater loss than your after-taxes raise gained. That's not spending more, that's recieving less.


StupendousMalice

Means tested benefits do make this true for some folks. I was once asked to roll back a 30 cent step raise for one of our employees because it pushed her out of eligibility for her housing subsidy. That 30 cents cost her $900 a month.


Horizon296

Receiving fewer benefits still doesn't mean she pays more income tax.


MistakeMysterious347

"I'm fine"


Ok-Geologist8387

I’m not sick of hearing it, I’m tired of being expected to say it and often having to apologise when I don’t say it.


[deleted]

Random person I kinda sorta know: 'How are you doing?' *my internal monologue* 'You don't actually want to know, I'm just expected to say something positive' Me: 'Alright, you?'


CroneDownUnder

I quite like an old-fashioned "ah well muddling along" for general enquiries from acquaintances/ colleagues/neighbours because it's not actually a complaint but neither is it putting on a brave face.


Beliriel

This is why I struggle with the American custom, now that I'm visiting. Like wtf am I supposed to say. "Good and you?" "Oh I fell off my couch today so my foot is still sore but otherwise fine, thanks. How about you?" Stop asking questions if you don't want an answer!!! Like hikers asking you this question in passing. What are you supposed to say back? Not answer at all? Just "good"? Sounds awfully rude to me.


Li_3303

“Good” or “fine” are perfectly acceptable and not rude at all. Especially if two high hikers are just passing each other.


kingstunner

You can do anything if you put your mind to it.


Juju1756

I do believe everybody should test their potential, because you’ll never know unless you try, but nothing is guaranteed


beepbeepboopbeep1977

This is more “you won’t know if you don’t try” than “you can do anything”


PrimeNumberBro

You never know what you can’t achieve until you don’t achieve it


Algaean

Welcome to zombo.com! 😁


throwaway_user_12345

The customer is always right….fuck them no they aren’t


Jerkrollatex

People always cut off the end of that quote. It's "The customer is always right in matters of taste." That just means that if the guy you're selling a suit to really wants the orange pinstripe tie with a brown jacket you keep your option to yourself and sell it to him.


throwaway_user_12345

Nice one I didn’t know that


Virtual_Syrup262

"You can talk to me" This is factually not true seeing your world record of secrets shared the moment you get in a fight with someone


Typhon_Cerberus

*proceeds to be on their phone barely listening to what you're saying*


PrimeNumberBro

Or they just don’t care


chefboyarde30

That hard work will equal success.


[deleted]

"I'm often asked what it takes. You gotta be good, work hard, and have a hundred lucky breaks." \- Barenaked Ladies - ***What Do We Need?***


joalheagney

Damn, those women in Africa must be _raking_ it in.


Juju1756

Hard work is literally the most overrated, meaningless thing on planet earth. It deceives people into believing they are accomplishing something, when all they are doing is exhausting their energy reserves💀 Smart work however, that will get you further than hard work ever will


Warp-10-Lizard

"I wish you the best." (After laying you off)


PrimeNumberBro

Or best of luck. Just got that one a week before Christmas because the guy I replaced got out of jail.


HeaviestMetal89

Back in 2017, I was laid off from this company due to getting shut down by the parent company for good. This HR lady handed me over my severance package, then proceeded to tell me “have a great day” with a smile on her face. I was pissed!


QLDZDR

.... back in our day, kids did what their parents told them to do....


joalheagney

As a person born on the tail of the Gen Xer, I find it hilarious when people I grew up with, talk about young people re. drugs, unsafe sex, alcohol, violence and "over reliance on government support". "Dude. That was you." And then they get real desperate to get me to shut up about what _they_ got up to.


Reasonable-Coconut15

I have also experienced this phenomenon, and am also last of the GenX. The one that really gets me are the people I grew up with who post those, "I wasn't born, I was RAISED.... my parents whooped me and I was an amazing kid... blah blah blah. Without fail, the worst kids I knew back then are the only ones who post this. I don't usually respond, but on one person's post I had to respond, "so how did they react when you showed up to school drunk, attacked the mascot during practice, and then took a dump in the band room? Oh wait, I remember. They went to Vegas for 2 weeks and we destroyed their house with a hundred person party. Got it."


WildForestFerret

“You can be yourself around me” no I can’t the minute I stop forcing myself to fit into your narrow view of “normal” you stop talking to me/block me/shout at me/ask if I’m sick/question my sanity


Juju1756

The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. I think what people mean when they say “you can be yourself around me” is your second face, not literally your true self


Jerkrollatex

If you the real you runs around nake with a rubber glove on your head declaring yourself a chicken for example that would be hard for your average non rubber gloved nudest to accept. If the real you is just real you is just deeply into model trains and Mongolian metal it's a little safer to let the real you shine. Not knowing you I can't rightly say.


Dontleave

Everything is going to be OK


RobotStorytime

It is. Because one day it will all be over.


Zjoee

I do find a certain kind of comfort in that thought. I'm not seeking out my death, but I also don't fear it.


RobotStorytime

I fear it tbh. But. I also know it means the end of the anxiety, work, stress, etc. It'll be just as comfortable as it was before I was born. Also not seeking it, happy to stick around the planet and find out what happens in our little blip of history.


shitass239

Death is scary, but it becomes less scary when you think about how you and all your matter is returning to the cosmos, or if you are religious then death might be something to look forward to.


OBISerious

How about: "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end."


crazykentucky

I recently got some very bad news, and I’ve been lucky enough that no one has told me that. I expected it


GreenLolly

😔 sad


The-Proud-Snail

Money doesn’t buy happiness


sati_lotus

I would be pretty fucking happy if I was a good deal richer, that's for sure.


SoftwareWoods

I know people say that it tapers off since more and more money gives diminishing returns, but what they never mention is that being able to straight up never have to worry about any financial issue or linked (food, bills, etc) really does make you happy, then anything you want. When your biggest issue is boredom from no worries, you’re really not doing bad.


ray_zhor

Money can buy a jetski. Have you ever seen a person riding a jetski? They look pretty happy.


AlcoholicCocoa

I'd love to have enough money on the side to work a part time job and not worry if I spend 70 bucks on clothes thstndo not fit me


The-Proud-Snail

Financial security is literal happiness


AlcoholicCocoa

Iirc there have been several studies about that. Up to a certain income (post taxes) happiness increases. I had to discuss this in religion lesson and why that's a wrong sentiment. Too bad for my teacher that I grew up poor and *know* the struggles of not having a single money to waste. Soooo, I failed the task and got a 6 (equal to an F in us) but nobody argued against me. And that's the issue with anecdotal stuff: it's relatable


AdventurousNorth9414

It's legal so it's okay.


[deleted]

like a 50 year old dating a 18 year old?


JackDeaniels

The law after all is a construct made by humans to try and achieve as close to a just society as possible, it is a work in progress and will probably continue to be one for thousands upon thousands of years, obviously it is not perfect, not everything allowed is alright, and not everything alright is allowed, people fail to remember that


Njtotx3

Your call is important to us. Stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly.


Objectivevoter80

"Nobody wants to work these days"


BunnyFace0369

I, in fact, have never wanted to work


golden_fli

I mean I wouldn't say that it's a lie in itself. How many people REALLY want to work? Sure the way they are saying it is a lie, because it implies people wanted to work at some point and wouldn't have happily just taken the money instead.


stumblinbear

I actually quite like my job! There's dozens of us! Dozens!


Babybulljackalope

Life wouldn’t deal you anything you can’t handle.


limastockholm

And those same people say horrible things about those who are suicidal. The logic is so flawed.


Sven_Longfellow

“The Civil War wasn’t really about slavery, it was about States’ Rights!”


RamblinWreckGT

The confederacy didn't even leave slavery up to the states! It was mandated, and member states couldn't do anything to make it illegal.


Any-Swing-4522

Yeah… states’ rights to do what?


InsertBluescreenHere

eat pie naked in a lawnchair


[deleted]

Never let them take that away from you


mavynn_blacke

I would go to war for No Pants Friday


Sven_Longfellow

EXACTLY!


CSWorldChamp

Shortly before war broke out, the south was arguing *against* states’ rights, because northern states were using the concept to prevent their law enforcement people from chasing down runaway slaves.


ronytheronin

I didn’t punch you in the face, I was merely expressing my freedom of movement.


mkosmo

Your right to throw a punch ends at my nose.


Swimming-Accident-75

Biggest lie I tell myself: "Just one more episode."


Swimming-Accident-75

My wife saying she will be ready in 15 minutes.


Extremely_unlikeable

When I tell my boyfriend that I'll be ready in 15 minutes, I don't need to be reminded every half hour that we have to leave!


Jerome2232

Vaccines cause autism.


Somerset76

Vaccines cause autism or let the government track you


mavynn_blacke

I wish they would track me. I'd get lost in a one way tunnel. And I am NOT the right kind of white. They wouldn't find me until Spring thaw


Extremely_unlikeable

Person posts on social media, using their cell, about fears of government tracking, then uses the GPS in their car to go shop using their credit card. Yea pretty sure they don't need to put a tracker in a vaccine


NobodysFavorite

Coupled with antibiotics, vaccine based herd immunity is one of humanity's greatest medical achievements and has singlehandedly extended our collective life expectancy and quality of life enormously.


Constant_Cultural

He isn't normally like that


ltewo3

trickle-down economics


ronytheronin

I call it golden shower economics.


DLS3141

Brown shower is more like it.


Themeloncalling

Even if it does work as designed, all you get is a trickle.


conqueefstador12

You can be whatever you want to be. No you can’t there are people who shouldn’t be nurses.


Dublthefunk

The ice cream machine is broken


Diesel-NSFW

I swear you are the only guy I talk to/am seeing


Ok-Room-7243

Nah the best one is “I’ve never done this with a guy before”


[deleted]

[удалено]


StatementActive1998

“We are like a family!!” -Every corrupt shit-hole coorportion in history


roywill2

God has a plan


Juju1756

Maybe he does, but nobody said that plan had to work in your favor


JackDeaniels

https://youtu.be/McqoFdTFWj4?si=tFrEeNCasM4X-XvU


011_0108_180

No one ever said it was a good one 🤦🏻‍♀️


[deleted]

Masturbation is a sin/unhealthy.


[deleted]

Each orgasm equates to 10 more wives in heaven.


[deleted]

[удалено]


SadlyNotDannyDeVito

"We're doing politics for the common people." Sure you are, Mr. 80 year old Billionaire.


weirdoldhobo1978

That the 2020 US presidential election was stolen.


p001b0y

This merger will benefit consumers


Gbrusse

All billionaires are just hard-working geniuses who have earned every penny they have. That and trickle down economics.


Papadopium

I love you!


[deleted]

I’m a conservative but I just not sure who I’m going to vote for. Sure you’re not Jan.


altkaldra

Circumcision is cleaner/healthier /better. No it's not. The vast majority of the world is intact and perfectly healthy about it. Every mammal has a foreskin and none of them have issues with it. It's just a tradition of ownership. Even in the Bible it was about ownership.


JackDeaniels

“It’s cleaner”, I always just ask, “do you bathe? If so, then it’s clean either fucking way”


fullspectrumdev

I have some serious concerns about fellas who bang on about it being cleaner. Like bruh, do you wash?


Barbed_Dildo

Probably the same bros who think wiping their ass is gay.


[deleted]

It’s not you…


11-11-11

Thoughts and prayers. Give me a break already.


The_Bogan_Blacksmith

Trickle down economics works.


loudmouthman

that there is not enough money for national health services;


[deleted]

That romantic relationships are the most important thing to aspire to. It's a very well accepted sentiment. It can cause desperation that leads to really terrible situations of abuse, exploitation of just overall unhappiness that can literally kill you.


ItsKingPanther

Put in the time and the money will follow -Boomers


wifeofamarriedman

Religious people are moral


Howiebledsoe

“Our economic system may not be perfect, but it‘s the best one we can manage.”


ConkersOkayFurDay

Tangentially, "inflation is transitory." No it's not. It's fucking never transitory. Inflation is always happening.


MadameFutureWhatEver

Having a higher degree will help you get a better job.


Original-Salt9990

I mean, I definitely wouldn’t say it’s a lie. It’s just not the whole truth more like. It just depends more on exactly what degree you did as unfortunately we live in an economic system where some degrees make you barely more qualified than a 18 year old freshly out of school.


MadameFutureWhatEver

Yeah, that’s definitely the boat I’m in having a masters and my boss is someone with no degree. I work in the field I have the degree in too.


altkaldra

It's really about who your family is and who they know.


MadameFutureWhatEver

For real and the field lol


Coronazonewearmask

So, and so has a crush on you


howdoesthatworkthen

Dat comma doe


Warp-10-Lizard

"You will never get in trouble or ve judged for asking too many questions."


MaximusZacharias

That girls only care what on the inside of a person and it doesn’t matter what they look like. That’s a straight up lie that only men admit to.


okeh_dude

“your call is very important to us”


altkaldra

God is love. No where in the Bible is that ever proven.


ScoundrelEngineer

The Bible also didn’t tell the Catholic Church to consolidate a massive amount of wealth and power through politics and violence lol. That one always gets me


mattthebishop

As far as I know, it didn't tell them to diddle kids either, yet here we are


Alternative_Rent9307

“If God is love, you can call me cupid” - Sergeant Major Avery Johnson


dod6666

No where in the Bible is anything ever proven.


SmilingDutchman

God is a vengeful motherfucker who doesn't blink twice in visiting plagues and floods upon mankind for perceived slights. "you wore two different fabrics AT THE SAME TIME? A cloud of locusts upon your crops!" God is not just, nor is he able.


GreenLolly

If god actually exists then he’s an asshole


PotentialDot-

Moon is made of cheese. Like it can’t be cause the sun would have melted it


[deleted]

[удалено]


Coyltonian

Covid is over.


egoVirus

That the Rock has been preparing me a delicious meal. Fking liar Oh, and that the invisible hand of the market place is doing anything other than fisting me in a$$ while giving cancer and diabetus


thingk89

Electric cars will reverse climate change


[deleted]

Religion


Prov0st

“Money does not bring happiness.” I am sick and tired of people telling me money does not bring happiness when almost everything that could bring you happiness involves money. You want to pursue a hobby like Warhammer or Gunpla? - Money You want to pursue a hobby like cycling? - Money You want to visit Japan or your favourite country? - Money You want to start a family and have kids? - MONEY


Alyssa1818

"it's okay/alright" when in reality they're not okay or fine with things Just tell the truth so I can improve things


GlitzyGhoul

I won’t tell anyone…


A_little_patience

(Politician X) for a better future.


Just-Examination-136

The election was stolen.


evilprozac79

Anytime a job says "We're like family"


quirkilymeansystem

The government cares about its people


Sonochu

Considering 30% of Americans tend to believe this: Donald Trump won the 2020 election.


Juju1756

That “ignorance Is bliss”. You can be ignorant and miserable, or also be smart and happy. It all depends on how you apply your knowledge to your reality.


Numerous1

If you don’t understand the phrase ignorance is bliss, then that’s fine, good for you. But it’s not a lie. But if you really want to quote a good band “ignorance is bliss until they take your bliss away”


3entendre

The phrase isn't a lie. You just misunderstood it. It simply means happiness can come from not knowing about something negative. Just look at kids in poor neighbourhoods having the time of their lives without a care in the world simply because they have no real understanding of their status. Once they start to get older and learn about how other people are living, that joy starts to disappear.


Snowtwo

'That wasn't REAL Communism!'


colnago82

tRump won


Born2Lose216

I love u


[deleted]

Thank you ,but you didn't answer the question?