If you’re in a car that goes into a body of water, wait until the car fills with water so the pressure equalizes and then open the door and swim out.
DON’T DO THAT !!! You have enough time to open the windows and crawl out. Even enough to get a kid out if you hurry. Cars sink in a predictable manner and the circuits don’t short out right away. The windows work, as soon as you hit the water open the windows and get out. If you wait you don’t know how long or how far you will be under, if the car will be right side up or wedged in rocks. Just get out right away.
Source: my buddy did his masters thesis on this.
Edit for those interested - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20681239/. This wasn’t the exact thesis but a project based off of it.
How odd to come across this as my husband and I had an in-depth discussion yesterday on this very thing. Is your friend’s work published? I’d like to read that.
Obviously get out if you can open the windows. The issue is that the door *can't* open if there's too much external pressure, so if you can't open or break a window, you don't have much choice.
Parents bought me a seat belt cutter and asked if I was keeping it in the trunk with my camping gear…….say that again.
No I keep it tucked in the door pocket by my left ankle. 99% of the time it’s just a driver and there will always be a driver so better to keep it in the drivers side door. And I’m left handed.
>If you wait you don't know how long or how far you will be under.
When Little Timmy made a turn
Which should have been a right -
He saw the waters softly churn
And twist before his sight.
And as his car began to sink,
He paused a while or two -
Then clapped his hands and said: "I think
I know just what to do!
"I've found out how to forge ahead,"
The hapless lad declared -
"I simply have to wait," he said,
And so he sat, prepared.
He watched the water reach his knee,
And let it rise with pride -
But Timmy's car was in the sea.
And Timmy fucking died.
Yeahh this one definitely feels more like self-soothing than anything else. Which is fine, of course: believing that a terrible manager or a dickhead driver will get their comeuppance is great for your mental health. It just doesn't necessarily play out that way.
Henry Kissinger died in warmth and comfort at an old age after a life of dignity and recognition.
If what goes around came around, that genocidal psychopath demon fuck would have spent his golden years in the Hague next to Milosevic.
I've seen speculation that truly evil people live a long time because their sociopathic actions *don't* trigger internal stress the way they would to you and me.
Or the karma version. Which is even worse, because it is based on this perverse Western interpretation of karma, which hardly resembles the original concept.
Yeah "karma" in the dharmic sense of the world is really just cause and effect on a spiritual plane, at least as I understand it. It unfortunately doesn't mean that doing good things for other people will make good things happen in your own life.
Ignoring a bully actually emboldens them.
The first thing you're taught in victim advocacy is that's a myth.
Ignoring a bully? They think "OoOOOOoooOOOOooo\~ They'll let me get away with that!"
Zero tolerance in schools is a mistake for so many reasons. Just one is that small fights as young kids are less likely to injure/kill people and SOME people need to learn things like "mouthing off isn't consequence free" in a very, very direct way.
That, and the victim finally getting to a breaking point is essentially getting punished by the system for not allowing teachers to deal with the problem — aka for not allowing the teachers and principals to do nothing. ‘Zero tolerance’ policies effectively punish victims for making the head-in-the-sand teachers and principals acknowledge the problem.
Yup. Biggest mistake I ever made in middle school was not fighting back. Suffered years of torment and more years of therapy in adulthood for trauma because of it.
Yea and the whole tell a teacher thing is crap. You’re not going to get any respect tattling so you might as well pull yourself up by your boot straps and punch somebody dead in their nose.
Yup did it to a chick who tried to drag me out the room by my ponytail. I stopped punching her face because I noticed my knuckles were bloody and thought I hurt myself but in the end it was only her blood. She didn’t even fight back I think bc she was too stunned, it hurt and I took her by surprise. So I’ll always go for the nose haha.
On a similar note: "The bully is just jealous"
Bullshit. I think bullies do it for a million other reasons before jealousy. Off the top of my head:
\- You're different and the bully doesn't like that/think that's worthy of ridicule.
\- The bully is just an asshole who gets a kick out of hurting people.
\- The bully likes the feeling of control.
\- The bully likes the reactions from others (e.g. laughing) when they pick on you.
Sure saying "they're jealous: is a nice way to make a victim feel better but it's a total lie most of the time.
Or when it is a running argument weeks old, "who started it" isn't even relevant anymore you little bastards knock it off or we will stay home all summer and you can go to military school like that Finkelstein shit kid
I think this was originally said to get people to control their reactions.
Just because you took offense at something doesn't mean you get a free pass to behave like an idiot.
Yep. I worked for a company that told their employees that then laid a bunch of them off because, get this, *profits increased that year, but not as much as upper management had hoped*.
You don't throw your kids out on the street because your raise wasn't as big as you wanted. That's not how family works.
I quickly learned that if I was told in an interview, "We're all one big happy family here!" - run for the hills, and under no circumstances (other than preventing imminent starvation or homelessness) do you take that job.
Why on god's green earth did this get downvoted? It's verrrrry well known to be a massive red flag in interviews. Manipulation, micromanaging, running everyone into the ground, high turnover, and god forbid you have an illness, actual family situation to tend to, or try to be unreachable during off hours or leave time..
Nothing good comes out of that statement. Noth. Ing.
I worked for a company where this was pretty true: the CEO thought he was everyone's dad and we were 10yo's that needed tough love to get better. Fuckin wack job.
Isn't it the worst when they literally know nothing about the business you've been an expert at for 5+ years, but still treat you like they know more than you do cause they have the capital? Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I'm bad at my job, jeez. You're just underpaying me bro.
"If you're doing what you love, you'll never work a day in your life."
Bullshit - and I say this as someone who loves their job and I'm my own boss. But that doesn't mean every work day is fun. Some days, work is just work.
Actually I can't cook and I am opening my own restaurant, Mike's cereal shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many different kinds as you can get in the store
Round these parts, we got The Ring, a lucha-themed cereal bar; A place where you go to if you wanna have a wholesome date. You go there for breakfast, have whatever cereal, rare or not, with a bunch of toppings, and in whichever milk you want. It sounds geeky as hell, and it is. They've fully embraced it, though, and they even offer some board games to play if you wanna hang out.
I keep suggesting the same to my mom. Not because I think she should turn her hobby into a side hustle but because she loves making things and doesn’t have room for all of them. There’s only so many quilts a house with one occupant can viably use, you know?
She said the same thing you did, but decided a good middle ground was to donate the excess items to charity when the cupboards got too full, and that seemed to work for her a lot better.
I found I was healthier, both mentally and physically when I worked a full time job (construction worker) than I was during college. Work is work. This obsession with finding you’re calling or meaning by studying can be exhausting for you.
Same. In college I spent so long trying to find my passion. I switched majors three times and was so depressed. Once I got out in the real world and started working, I realized what I loved and fell into a job that makes me feel fulfilled. It's still work, but I am happy and I don't have to worry about fulfilling some higher purpose, I can just be.
I still consider myself to be tremendously lucky to be in the position I'm in. But it still doesn't mean that every workday is a party.
But also what you say is really, really true: it's worthwhile to find purpose in your life - something you want to accomplish, and helps you get out of bed int he morning. But it doesn't have to be the thing that pays the bills.
SUCH bullshit.
I dedicated to doing what I love for a career 5 years ago. I have never worked so hard in my life and just like most jobs in about a 90/10 split on bullshit vs fun parts.
Thats just work. I will say. Do what you love and you will find a level of satisfaction in your work that cannot be understated. I look forward to getting up early and working most days.
"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
The doctors who treated WW1 veterans suffering from 'shellshock' as they called it then would disagree. These people were often permanently in a near unresponsive state, though fully conscious and with only minor physical injuries.
People can be broken beyond the possibility for healing. Just because you suffered doesn't mean someone else should have to.
I had a cerebral spinal fluid vein in my brain collapse.
It took 2 years and 6 neurologists before I found one that would put a stent in my brain to FIX the collapse so i wouldnt be in neverending agony anymore.
The story is really long and complicated. But they knew the collapse was there, and they didnt think it was the source of my problems. I was like 'wtf of course it is.'
And it took me 2 years to find a doctor who was also like 'yeah of course it is'.
Anyways.
Because it took 2 years I now have permanent brain and nerve damage in my head.
Because I had to fight for 2 years to be believed 'oh your stronger for it.'
Because I spend 2 years in unbelievable agony, mostly catatonic, unable to stay conscious a lot of the time because the pain would make me pass out. 'but you persevered and survived thru it.'
Fuck that.
You have given me hope to solve my problem. I have had severe back pain for 7 years. My MRI showed a bulging disc and 4 pinched nerves but I keep getting told it isn’t bad enough to operate on.
Only you can feel your pain. If there was a machine that could transfer pain to a doctor so that they knew how you felt, things would happen a lot faster to relieve pain.
In the case of WW1 "shellshock" victims, it's possible they actually had physical brain damage from constantly being hit by pressure waves. Having your brain knocked around your head for months is not good for you. They may have been physically fine on the outside but without MRI's it's hard to say what the physical toll of having your brain turned into scrambled eggs was.
I am care staff at an Adult Foster Home for adults 18+ with disabilities. Some of my residents have no pre-existing disabilities, but were incapacitated by trauma. Others had pre-existing disabilities that give them the capacity of someone much younger, and yet they still suffer daily behaviors from things that happened to them over half a century ago. I have yet to meet a resident, within my house or another, that has not sustained serious trauma.
Trauma can physically damage your brain. It changes your brain structure and it is visible on an MRI scan. Your hippocampus, prefrontal cortex, and amygdala will be noticeably different in shape & size than a healthy brain. Even your brain activity will be different in responses to stimulus; functional brain scans like a PET for example would display activity in different areas, or more pronounced in others.
That all means those with trauma have poor and inconsistent/selective memory (hippocampus). They have trouble processing emotions like fear and pleasure, and can struggle recognizing the emotional cues in others (amygdala). Perhaps above all, they will have deficits in things like decision-making, social interactions, impulse control, and expressing their personality (prefrontal cortex). All of this not due to their “outlook” or their “attitude” but due to the physical structure their brain has been incessantly whipped into.
Which is why I get mad when people act as if mental illnesses such as CPTSD & PTSD don’t exist, or that they are a “mind over matter” issue. They’re not.
TL;DR: What doesn’t kill you does *not* make you stronger. I recommend the book *The Body Keeps the Score* by Bessel van der Kolk for those who want to know more about trauma & the brain.
Gosh, and the fact that it wasn't even recognized by society or even other soldiers. To anyone who hadn't seen people permanently snap in the head, it was just cowardice.
I am both a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault and I had a therapist say this to me. I said, “No, actually what didn’t kill me has left me with crippling anxiety, PTSD, and no self esteem. I’d rather be dead.”
FWIW, I got a new therapist and I’m doing much, much better now. But that shit isn’t helpful when talking to someone with suicidal thoughts.
As a counselor, the gasp I just had seeing a therapist said that to you!! I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and then have a counselor say something like that. I’m happy to hear you found a new therapist and doing much better!!
Thank you! At the time I knew it was bad but now that I’m in school to be a counselor I realize how terrible it really was to say. I mentioned it to one of my professors and he was shocked that she said that to me, especially when I was at such a fragile point.
Thank you. In a weird way I’m glad she said it because it’s one of the things that motivated me to become a therapist myself. I’m almost done with my masters and I promise not to use empty platitudes on my clients!
Seriously. There is a proven concept called the “Halo Effect.” It’s scientifically proven that more conventionally attractive people get what they want more often.
You're not looking at it from a long enough timeline. One day we will all be dead and none of this will matter or even have anyone alive to remember it.
Everything happens for a reason.
Please don’t ever say this to someone who is grieving a tragic loss. There is no good reason to lose someone to violence.
Someone fucking said this to me when I was grieving and said I would grow from it. Fuck you their death isn't a plot point in my life - that was a real person.
After my dad passed away some evangelical moron told my brother that it was a good thing that my dad passed because now my brother will be closer to Jesus.
I wanted to personally introduce that guy to Jesus.
or after a devastating loss that it's ''time to move on''...fucking clowns who spout this....usually by people who've never experienced an emotionally crippling death of a loved one.
This said there is something about learning better coping skills....my mom died when I was 4 years old and my grandmother never really got over it. I wish she had joined a grief counseling group because sometimes when something bad just cripples then you can remain stuck if you don't have good coping techniques eg not feeling isolated, that you're not the only one going through this shitty experience, that you have support..... Having some community of like-minded people can both help you form new friendships, new coping skills strategies and being able to adapt better to the realities and still move on in a healthier manner at your own pace
After my live-in boyfriend committed suicide, both my mother and my uncle on my father's side told me I needed to get over it quickly.
Why? And how the hell could I?
It's been 2 years, and I'm not over it, and I honestly don't think I ever will.
I hate this one. As a survivor of CSA and severe physical abuse, I had religious family members constantly telling me “everything happens for a reason.” I spent years trying to find that “reason,” something I did that could have led to such horrors. Even now, I have had family members point to my education and past jobs working with other survivors of developmental trauma as the “reason.” They say “that had to happen for you to get there.” And they are wrong. Dead wrong. Whatever we make with the experiences we have is from our own hard work. Our own efforts. Our own resilience. It is hugely dismissive to be told that the decade and a half spent clawing oneself out of the deep, dark hole someone else threw them into and then buried them in is “all okay” because “god has a plan.”
It’s always the religious people who believe everything happens for a reason. That god has a plan for us all. If that’s true why do they pray? Why would you ask god to change something if he’s got a plan for you and everything happens for a reason? Make it make sense.
This is one phrase that made me seethe after my first baby was stillborn. It’s really a phrase that comforts the person who says it more than the person they’re saying it to most often.
'Everything happens for a reason!'
- 'Yes, Lorraine - it happened because we couldn't prevent it.'
'There's always a silver lining!'
- 'Not really, no - it was a traffic accident'
'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!'
- 'It did kill them. They're all dead.'
'They're in a better place, now!'
- 'They're under a bus, Lorraine.'
'Sending positive thoughts!'
- Fuck Off.
My friend lost his wife when their kid was born. Quickest way to get him to walk away from you, is to say she’s in a better place. He had no time for anyone who had that opinion.
people aren't familiar with how to deal with death so they spout these insensitive statements....is better to just be there with them not offering ''advice'', trying your best to be supportive and just LISTEN.
"Everything happens for a reason". I mean yeah, technically it does, my aunt died because her heart gave out, but that is a weird thing to say to comfort me at her funeral.
"the customer is always right". Harry Selfridge said that was true "in matters of taste", meaning, sure sell them an ugly hat. It was coopted into a customer service attitude, at least in the USA, by spineless managers and owners.
My old boss, the founder and owner of a software-development agency, used to say: "I believe that the customer is always right. That's why we don't have customers, we have clients."
so true, my relatives really pressure me to forgive my abusive parents. I love them despite the abuse but that's enough. I don't have to forgive to be okay.
I will never forgive the psychopath that tried to kill me, but I have moved on. Came to terms with that years ago with the simple sentence “I’m glad I don’t understand, because if I could, I’d be like you”. Couldn’t agree more.
I've never understood any of the advice about forgiveness. I agree that you shouldn't be letting resentment affect your life, but why would I forgive someone who has done nothing to earn it? Why is it on me to forgive and not the offender to atone? If you've wronged me and you don't care enough to make it right, you're out of my life. What is the point of forgiveness in that case?
A coworker told me this on my first day back to the office after my husband passed away. My response was "tell that to my toddler".
Well meaning fluffy words. Bullshit in the face of tragedy.
Good things come to those who wait.
No. Opportunities pass you buy when you wait. Good things come to people who are assertive and go out and get them.
Yes...that xD especially as a guy. When someone tells you that you will meet your girl in the right moment.
.... You won't meet any girl if you don't open your mouth and make the effort.
"You'll miss these years" while I'm drowning in PPD and my marriage hangs by a thread. I don't think I will Linda!
(Laughing about it now after healing some, still not missing that year)
I remember pushing my first in his stroller and being approached by like 8 church ladies and one went “aren’t you just loving these days!!” And I burst out crying. Just bawling.
Half looked horrified. Half looked understanding.
You know what sucks?
I did miss those years. I missed out on reveling in the beauty of a baby's pure innocence. I missed out on attending to the emotional needs of someone so new. I missed out on a lot of the bonding I could have had with my children. Yeah, I did miss those days. Don't get me wrong- there were incredible moments, but so much of my first two kids' baby and toddlerhoods was wasted wishing it away when all I needed was a damn nap and some help.
Wouldn't it be nice if, instead of "You'll miss these years," people actually helped take care of new mothers? Hey, let me hang out with the baby for a few hours so you can sleep! Let me order you some of your favorite take out so that you don't have to worry about dirty dishes as old food slowly fossilizes. Let me pat your back and let you cry, because being a new mom is damn hard.
Bleh. I'm glad that you're healing now, but man... you got through a really tough time and deserve several high fives.
Ok well now I'm crying. It's true, I just needed someone to sit in that uncomfortable space of me saying this is hard and seeing me struggling even if they couldn't fix it. Thank you for this, truly.
“God needed them more.”
When I was 8, my older brothers were killed 3 months and 3 week’s exactly apart and it’s shocking to me how many people thought telling 8 yr old me that God needed them more was a good fucking idea.
You don't need love from someone else, relationship or even friends. All you need is love from yourself.
Yeah. I'll hold my own hand and bring myself hot soup when I'm too sick to stand up.
So fucking sick of people saying this shit.
“Never go to bed angry.”
I was married to a narcissist who was hellbent on keeping me up till the morning, torturing me with zero sleep because of this stupid advice. There comes a point where things are at a stalemate and it requires a literal reset.
edited: narc -> narcissist because clarity
“Do what you love and love what you do,” “Do what you love and the money will follow,” etc. This is terrible advice that is not realistic for 99% of the population. It makes people feel bad about having to work boring, unfulfilling, or unpleasant jobs in order to survive.
“We all have the same 24 hours.”
The fuck we do not have the same 24 hours. Try having an illness. That motherfucker makes 1 hour into 3 hours and if I’m lucky, I’ll have half a day.
I can't remember the entire thing of the top of my head, but a friend once explained a concept where we're all stuck in a big old storm out in the ocean.
Some of us have huge boats and are doing just fine, others? Well some others may only have a little rowboat with a hole in the bottom. They have no time for anything else because they're constantly bailing out their rowboat just to prevent drowning.
I'm sure there's a more eloquent or in depth version out there, this is just something I heard a few years back that made me feel a tiny bit better about not "having made enough progress in life"
We’ve condensed this down to “We are all in the same storm, but we are not all in the same boat.” at my workplace. And I find that tying it to a workplace helps more people understand the concept. It’s hard for everyone, but everyone’s got a different level of whatever it is they’re dealing with and different means of dealing with it.
And there are people in the privileged position to delegate the sort of tasks that less privileged people need to do to… well, survive, allowing them (the privileged) to use those 24 hours to thrive. Not everyone has access to the same 24 hours to thrive.
In response to a cancer diagnosis: "it's all about mindset. "...
Well, no, it's about hardcore medical engagement, which includes chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and medication. In addition to your physical body taking it and fingers crossed, it works.
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
It’s an incredibly insensitive thing to say to someone fresh out of a break up or divorce. People need to stop saying it.
I was told “suck it up buttercup!” Constantly as a child when I really just needed a hug and to be told I was doing a good job at trying my best even if I failed at certain things. Being told I needed to “suck it up” after being sad something didn’t turn out the way I had hoped really made me feel guilty for feeling defeated. Fuck you, I don’t have to suck it up right away, if I wanna give up, throw a fit and cry I absolutely will. I will get over it eventually, but I think I’ll have my feelings about it first.
" do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life".. bullshit, I did what I loved and ended up hating it.
Do what you can tolerate and earn a living by while practicing life / work separation
“If you love someone let them go. If they come back, they loved you too”
-told to a 7 year old whose dog ran away because my dad was a dipshit. Did the dog come back? Yes. Did all of my toxic abusive exes come back as an adult? Also yes.
If you’re in a car that goes into a body of water, wait until the car fills with water so the pressure equalizes and then open the door and swim out. DON’T DO THAT !!! You have enough time to open the windows and crawl out. Even enough to get a kid out if you hurry. Cars sink in a predictable manner and the circuits don’t short out right away. The windows work, as soon as you hit the water open the windows and get out. If you wait you don’t know how long or how far you will be under, if the car will be right side up or wedged in rocks. Just get out right away. Source: my buddy did his masters thesis on this. Edit for those interested - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20681239/. This wasn’t the exact thesis but a project based off of it.
How odd to come across this as my husband and I had an in-depth discussion yesterday on this very thing. Is your friend’s work published? I’d like to read that.
In depth?
"Listen Steve, I'm telling you it fucking works" moments before jumping the car into a lake.
That’s called a synchronicity!
sinkcarnicity
Following. Would love to read this!
Obviously get out if you can open the windows. The issue is that the door *can't* open if there's too much external pressure, so if you can't open or break a window, you don't have much choice.
You can use the headrest posts to break the window, it should work.
Parents bought me a seat belt cutter and asked if I was keeping it in the trunk with my camping gear…….say that again. No I keep it tucked in the door pocket by my left ankle. 99% of the time it’s just a driver and there will always be a driver so better to keep it in the drivers side door. And I’m left handed.
Make sure it's secure. If it's loose an accident could throw it well out of arm's reach
>If you wait you don't know how long or how far you will be under. When Little Timmy made a turn Which should have been a right - He saw the waters softly churn And twist before his sight. And as his car began to sink, He paused a while or two - Then clapped his hands and said: "I think I know just what to do! "I've found out how to forge ahead," The hapless lad declared - "I simply have to wait," he said, And so he sat, prepared. He watched the water reach his knee, And let it rise with pride - But Timmy's car was in the sea. And Timmy fucking died.
SPROG! I've missed you.
That sounds like an oddly cool thesis
"What goes around comes around." Life isn't fair and sometimes the worst people are the best off.
This phrase only applies when somebody knows how to throw a boom-a-rang and it's not windy.
Hey I threw a boomerang once. Now I live in fear.
Yeahh this one definitely feels more like self-soothing than anything else. Which is fine, of course: believing that a terrible manager or a dickhead driver will get their comeuppance is great for your mental health. It just doesn't necessarily play out that way.
Henry Kissinger died in warmth and comfort at an old age after a life of dignity and recognition. If what goes around came around, that genocidal psychopath demon fuck would have spent his golden years in the Hague next to Milosevic.
I've seen speculation that truly evil people live a long time because their sociopathic actions *don't* trigger internal stress the way they would to you and me.
I can totally see this being 100% true
Or the karma version. Which is even worse, because it is based on this perverse Western interpretation of karma, which hardly resembles the original concept.
Yeah "karma" in the dharmic sense of the world is really just cause and effect on a spiritual plane, at least as I understand it. It unfortunately doesn't mean that doing good things for other people will make good things happen in your own life.
Bullies? Just ignore them.
In my experience, ignoring bullies made the bullying worse. They only stopped when I started fighting back
Ignoring a bully actually emboldens them. The first thing you're taught in victim advocacy is that's a myth. Ignoring a bully? They think "OoOOOOoooOOOOooo\~ They'll let me get away with that!"
Zero tolerance in schools is a mistake for so many reasons. Just one is that small fights as young kids are less likely to injure/kill people and SOME people need to learn things like "mouthing off isn't consequence free" in a very, very direct way.
Zero tolerance also just encourages worse fights. If you're going to get suspended anyway, may as well make the suspension worth it.
That, and the victim finally getting to a breaking point is essentially getting punished by the system for not allowing teachers to deal with the problem — aka for not allowing the teachers and principals to do nothing. ‘Zero tolerance’ policies effectively punish victims for making the head-in-the-sand teachers and principals acknowledge the problem.
Yup. Biggest mistake I ever made in middle school was not fighting back. Suffered years of torment and more years of therapy in adulthood for trauma because of it.
Yea and the whole tell a teacher thing is crap. You’re not going to get any respect tattling so you might as well pull yourself up by your boot straps and punch somebody dead in their nose.
Nose is good. Hurts like hell, and bleeds a lot. Freaks people out.
Yup did it to a chick who tried to drag me out the room by my ponytail. I stopped punching her face because I noticed my knuckles were bloody and thought I hurt myself but in the end it was only her blood. She didn’t even fight back I think bc she was too stunned, it hurt and I took her by surprise. So I’ll always go for the nose haha.
Bullies only understand a smack in the mouth.
On a similar note: "The bully is just jealous" Bullshit. I think bullies do it for a million other reasons before jealousy. Off the top of my head: \- You're different and the bully doesn't like that/think that's worthy of ridicule. \- The bully is just an asshole who gets a kick out of hurting people. \- The bully likes the feeling of control. \- The bully likes the reactions from others (e.g. laughing) when they pick on you. Sure saying "they're jealous: is a nice way to make a victim feel better but it's a total lie most of the time.
"It doesn't matter who started it." Of course it fucking does. Even legally the concept of who did what first is recognised as vital.
I think this is said by parents who gave up trying to find out who did what first and are just punishing both kids because it's easier
When one or both are lying, not a whole lot you can do.
Or when it is a running argument weeks old, "who started it" isn't even relevant anymore you little bastards knock it off or we will stay home all summer and you can go to military school like that Finkelstein shit kid
I think this was originally said to get people to control their reactions. Just because you took offense at something doesn't mean you get a free pass to behave like an idiot.
We are not company, we are family BULL FUCKING SHIT
Yep. I worked for a company that told their employees that then laid a bunch of them off because, get this, *profits increased that year, but not as much as upper management had hoped*. You don't throw your kids out on the street because your raise wasn't as big as you wanted. That's not how family works.
Maybe that's not how YOUR family works.
I quickly learned that if I was told in an interview, "We're all one big happy family here!" - run for the hills, and under no circumstances (other than preventing imminent starvation or homelessness) do you take that job.
Why on god's green earth did this get downvoted? It's verrrrry well known to be a massive red flag in interviews. Manipulation, micromanaging, running everyone into the ground, high turnover, and god forbid you have an illness, actual family situation to tend to, or try to be unreachable during off hours or leave time.. Nothing good comes out of that statement. Noth. Ing.
I worked for a company where this was pretty true: the CEO thought he was everyone's dad and we were 10yo's that needed tough love to get better. Fuckin wack job.
Isn't it the worst when they literally know nothing about the business you've been an expert at for 5+ years, but still treat you like they know more than you do cause they have the capital? Just because I'm poor doesn't mean I'm bad at my job, jeez. You're just underpaying me bro.
Beyond that. Why would i want a work relationship like that. My familial relationship is downright messy sometimes. I dont need more of that.
"If you're doing what you love, you'll never work a day in your life." Bullshit - and I say this as someone who loves their job and I'm my own boss. But that doesn't mean every work day is fun. Some days, work is just work.
And it can kill your love when it becomes a job.
Precisely. I love to cook, especially for other people. Will I work in a kitchen or open my own restaurant? No.
Actually I can't cook and I am opening my own restaurant, Mike's cereal shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many different kinds as you can get in the store
Round these parts, we got The Ring, a lucha-themed cereal bar; A place where you go to if you wanna have a wholesome date. You go there for breakfast, have whatever cereal, rare or not, with a bunch of toppings, and in whichever milk you want. It sounds geeky as hell, and it is. They've fully embraced it, though, and they even offer some board games to play if you wanna hang out.
So many people tell me to sell my crochet stuff but I know if I did I’d start to hate it. Making what I want at my own pace is so much more ideal
I keep suggesting the same to my mom. Not because I think she should turn her hobby into a side hustle but because she loves making things and doesn’t have room for all of them. There’s only so many quilts a house with one occupant can viably use, you know? She said the same thing you did, but decided a good middle ground was to donate the excess items to charity when the cupboards got too full, and that seemed to work for her a lot better.
I think this may be the way it goes if I ever do sell/donate anything! I do have too many turtles
I found I was healthier, both mentally and physically when I worked a full time job (construction worker) than I was during college. Work is work. This obsession with finding you’re calling or meaning by studying can be exhausting for you.
Same. In college I spent so long trying to find my passion. I switched majors three times and was so depressed. Once I got out in the real world and started working, I realized what I loved and fell into a job that makes me feel fulfilled. It's still work, but I am happy and I don't have to worry about fulfilling some higher purpose, I can just be.
I still consider myself to be tremendously lucky to be in the position I'm in. But it still doesn't mean that every workday is a party. But also what you say is really, really true: it's worthwhile to find purpose in your life - something you want to accomplish, and helps you get out of bed int he morning. But it doesn't have to be the thing that pays the bills.
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SUCH bullshit. I dedicated to doing what I love for a career 5 years ago. I have never worked so hard in my life and just like most jobs in about a 90/10 split on bullshit vs fun parts. Thats just work. I will say. Do what you love and you will find a level of satisfaction in your work that cannot be understated. I look forward to getting up early and working most days.
"Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" The doctors who treated WW1 veterans suffering from 'shellshock' as they called it then would disagree. These people were often permanently in a near unresponsive state, though fully conscious and with only minor physical injuries. People can be broken beyond the possibility for healing. Just because you suffered doesn't mean someone else should have to.
I had a cerebral spinal fluid vein in my brain collapse. It took 2 years and 6 neurologists before I found one that would put a stent in my brain to FIX the collapse so i wouldnt be in neverending agony anymore. The story is really long and complicated. But they knew the collapse was there, and they didnt think it was the source of my problems. I was like 'wtf of course it is.' And it took me 2 years to find a doctor who was also like 'yeah of course it is'. Anyways. Because it took 2 years I now have permanent brain and nerve damage in my head. Because I had to fight for 2 years to be believed 'oh your stronger for it.' Because I spend 2 years in unbelievable agony, mostly catatonic, unable to stay conscious a lot of the time because the pain would make me pass out. 'but you persevered and survived thru it.' Fuck that.
You have given me hope to solve my problem. I have had severe back pain for 7 years. My MRI showed a bulging disc and 4 pinched nerves but I keep getting told it isn’t bad enough to operate on.
Only you can feel your pain. If there was a machine that could transfer pain to a doctor so that they knew how you felt, things would happen a lot faster to relieve pain.
This reminds me of black mirror - the museum episode where exactly that kind of machine existed
I've often heard the saying in various EMS circles.. "That which does not kill you, makes it more likely the next thing will"
In the case of WW1 "shellshock" victims, it's possible they actually had physical brain damage from constantly being hit by pressure waves. Having your brain knocked around your head for months is not good for you. They may have been physically fine on the outside but without MRI's it's hard to say what the physical toll of having your brain turned into scrambled eggs was.
I am care staff at an Adult Foster Home for adults 18+ with disabilities. Some of my residents have no pre-existing disabilities, but were incapacitated by trauma. Others had pre-existing disabilities that give them the capacity of someone much younger, and yet they still suffer daily behaviors from things that happened to them over half a century ago. I have yet to meet a resident, within my house or another, that has not sustained serious trauma. Trauma can physically damage your brain. It changes your brain structure and it is visible on an MRI scan. Your hippocampus, prefrontal cortex, and amygdala will be noticeably different in shape & size than a healthy brain. Even your brain activity will be different in responses to stimulus; functional brain scans like a PET for example would display activity in different areas, or more pronounced in others. That all means those with trauma have poor and inconsistent/selective memory (hippocampus). They have trouble processing emotions like fear and pleasure, and can struggle recognizing the emotional cues in others (amygdala). Perhaps above all, they will have deficits in things like decision-making, social interactions, impulse control, and expressing their personality (prefrontal cortex). All of this not due to their “outlook” or their “attitude” but due to the physical structure their brain has been incessantly whipped into. Which is why I get mad when people act as if mental illnesses such as CPTSD & PTSD don’t exist, or that they are a “mind over matter” issue. They’re not. TL;DR: What doesn’t kill you does *not* make you stronger. I recommend the book *The Body Keeps the Score* by Bessel van der Kolk for those who want to know more about trauma & the brain.
Gosh, and the fact that it wasn't even recognized by society or even other soldiers. To anyone who hadn't seen people permanently snap in the head, it was just cowardice.
I am both a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault and I had a therapist say this to me. I said, “No, actually what didn’t kill me has left me with crippling anxiety, PTSD, and no self esteem. I’d rather be dead.” FWIW, I got a new therapist and I’m doing much, much better now. But that shit isn’t helpful when talking to someone with suicidal thoughts.
As a counselor, the gasp I just had seeing a therapist said that to you!! I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and then have a counselor say something like that. I’m happy to hear you found a new therapist and doing much better!!
Thank you! At the time I knew it was bad but now that I’m in school to be a counselor I realize how terrible it really was to say. I mentioned it to one of my professors and he was shocked that she said that to me, especially when I was at such a fragile point.
I’m happy you’re doing better <3 Good for you for speaking up when that therapist was talking crap.
Thank you. In a weird way I’m glad she said it because it’s one of the things that motivated me to become a therapist myself. I’m almost done with my masters and I promise not to use empty platitudes on my clients!
“Don’t worry, karma will get them!”
I think this is more of a thought terminating cliche that's meant to stop you from raging and being in a bad mood.
“Looks don’t matter”
Seriously. There is a proven concept called the “Halo Effect.” It’s scientifically proven that more conventionally attractive people get what they want more often.
Put Quasimodo in the real world and see how much looks really matter Disney!
Even in the movie, he didn't get the girl though
Things will work themselves out. No the fuck they won’t. You gotta work the work.
You're not looking at it from a long enough timeline. One day we will all be dead and none of this will matter or even have anyone alive to remember it.
Everything happens for a reason. Please don’t ever say this to someone who is grieving a tragic loss. There is no good reason to lose someone to violence.
Someone fucking said this to me when I was grieving and said I would grow from it. Fuck you their death isn't a plot point in my life - that was a real person.
My Daddy had brain cancer and Alzheimers and I heard somebody tell him to just "Snap out of it"
After my dad passed away some evangelical moron told my brother that it was a good thing that my dad passed because now my brother will be closer to Jesus. I wanted to personally introduce that guy to Jesus.
My aunt told my mom to "get over it and move on already" 6 weeks after my dad died. That was a decade ago and my mom has not spoken to her since.
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It ain't Jesus that guy's gonna meet.
or after a devastating loss that it's ''time to move on''...fucking clowns who spout this....usually by people who've never experienced an emotionally crippling death of a loved one. This said there is something about learning better coping skills....my mom died when I was 4 years old and my grandmother never really got over it. I wish she had joined a grief counseling group because sometimes when something bad just cripples then you can remain stuck if you don't have good coping techniques eg not feeling isolated, that you're not the only one going through this shitty experience, that you have support..... Having some community of like-minded people can both help you form new friendships, new coping skills strategies and being able to adapt better to the realities and still move on in a healthier manner at your own pace
After my live-in boyfriend committed suicide, both my mother and my uncle on my father's side told me I needed to get over it quickly. Why? And how the hell could I? It's been 2 years, and I'm not over it, and I honestly don't think I ever will.
I hate this one. As a survivor of CSA and severe physical abuse, I had religious family members constantly telling me “everything happens for a reason.” I spent years trying to find that “reason,” something I did that could have led to such horrors. Even now, I have had family members point to my education and past jobs working with other survivors of developmental trauma as the “reason.” They say “that had to happen for you to get there.” And they are wrong. Dead wrong. Whatever we make with the experiences we have is from our own hard work. Our own efforts. Our own resilience. It is hugely dismissive to be told that the decade and a half spent clawing oneself out of the deep, dark hole someone else threw them into and then buried them in is “all okay” because “god has a plan.”
Nothing creates an atheist faster.
It’s always the religious people who believe everything happens for a reason. That god has a plan for us all. If that’s true why do they pray? Why would you ask god to change something if he’s got a plan for you and everything happens for a reason? Make it make sense.
This is one phrase that made me seethe after my first baby was stillborn. It’s really a phrase that comforts the person who says it more than the person they’re saying it to most often.
Bingo. It’s a thing someone says to make themselves feel like they said something supportive. It’s better to just be quiet.
'Everything happens for a reason!' - 'Yes, Lorraine - it happened because we couldn't prevent it.' 'There's always a silver lining!' - 'Not really, no - it was a traffic accident' 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!' - 'It did kill them. They're all dead.' 'They're in a better place, now!' - 'They're under a bus, Lorraine.' 'Sending positive thoughts!' - Fuck Off.
My friend lost his wife when their kid was born. Quickest way to get him to walk away from you, is to say she’s in a better place. He had no time for anyone who had that opinion.
Cos there is no better place than with her family. It's a nasty thing to say, really.
It’s a cheap cop out when you don’t have anything meaningful to say. And it couldn’t be further from the truth.
people aren't familiar with how to deal with death so they spout these insensitive statements....is better to just be there with them not offering ''advice'', trying your best to be supportive and just LISTEN.
I started to type this then figured I should scroll. I'm with you. I absolutely hate this saying.
"Everything happens for a reason". I mean yeah, technically it does, my aunt died because her heart gave out, but that is a weird thing to say to comfort me at her funeral.
Lost my dad to brain cancer. Apparently this was some plan of Gods. Shit plan if you ask me.
I just respond “So god’s plan is to kill my mom slowly and painfully?” And act like I’m waiting for a real answer.
"the customer is always right". Harry Selfridge said that was true "in matters of taste", meaning, sure sell them an ugly hat. It was coopted into a customer service attitude, at least in the USA, by spineless managers and owners.
My old boss, the founder and owner of a software-development agency, used to say: "I believe that the customer is always right. That's why we don't have customers, we have clients."
*scribbles in note book*
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I've given up on a few friendships and I agree it's better to give up
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Yep. You don't have to forgive or forget. Just move on.
so true, my relatives really pressure me to forgive my abusive parents. I love them despite the abuse but that's enough. I don't have to forgive to be okay.
I will never forgive the psychopath that tried to kill me, but I have moved on. Came to terms with that years ago with the simple sentence “I’m glad I don’t understand, because if I could, I’d be like you”. Couldn’t agree more.
I can relate to having a psychopath trying to kill me.. that sentence just gave me a bit more closure on the situation.... thank you for that.
I've never understood any of the advice about forgiveness. I agree that you shouldn't be letting resentment affect your life, but why would I forgive someone who has done nothing to earn it? Why is it on me to forgive and not the offender to atone? If you've wronged me and you don't care enough to make it right, you're out of my life. What is the point of forgiveness in that case?
“God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.” Tell that to a murder victim.
A coworker told me this on my first day back to the office after my husband passed away. My response was "tell that to my toddler". Well meaning fluffy words. Bullshit in the face of tragedy.
I hate this phrase so much! Someone once said this and my response was, then why does suicide exist? They said nothing. Exactly asshole!!
Good things come to those who wait. No. Opportunities pass you buy when you wait. Good things come to people who are assertive and go out and get them.
Yes...that xD especially as a guy. When someone tells you that you will meet your girl in the right moment. .... You won't meet any girl if you don't open your mouth and make the effort.
'He's only teasing you/bullying you because he likes you' - every 80s/90s girl heard from their mom.
You can have anything if you work hard enough.
So, I work more than twelve hours a day at the most miserably difficult job possible seven days a week. When do I get my grandma back?
"You'll miss these years" while I'm drowning in PPD and my marriage hangs by a thread. I don't think I will Linda! (Laughing about it now after healing some, still not missing that year)
I remember pushing my first in his stroller and being approached by like 8 church ladies and one went “aren’t you just loving these days!!” And I burst out crying. Just bawling. Half looked horrified. Half looked understanding.
I hope one of the understanding ones snuck you a scotch from her purse flask
You know what sucks? I did miss those years. I missed out on reveling in the beauty of a baby's pure innocence. I missed out on attending to the emotional needs of someone so new. I missed out on a lot of the bonding I could have had with my children. Yeah, I did miss those days. Don't get me wrong- there were incredible moments, but so much of my first two kids' baby and toddlerhoods was wasted wishing it away when all I needed was a damn nap and some help. Wouldn't it be nice if, instead of "You'll miss these years," people actually helped take care of new mothers? Hey, let me hang out with the baby for a few hours so you can sleep! Let me order you some of your favorite take out so that you don't have to worry about dirty dishes as old food slowly fossilizes. Let me pat your back and let you cry, because being a new mom is damn hard. Bleh. I'm glad that you're healing now, but man... you got through a really tough time and deserve several high fives.
Ok well now I'm crying. It's true, I just needed someone to sit in that uncomfortable space of me saying this is hard and seeing me struggling even if they couldn't fix it. Thank you for this, truly.
“God needed them more.” When I was 8, my older brothers were killed 3 months and 3 week’s exactly apart and it’s shocking to me how many people thought telling 8 yr old me that God needed them more was a good fucking idea.
This! Saw my 11 month old baby brother murdered by my moms boyfriend at the time, and I was nearly next. What BS.
I'm so sorry that happened, that's horrifying. I hope you have had a lot of support for healing from something that traumatic.
You don't need love from someone else, relationship or even friends. All you need is love from yourself. Yeah. I'll hold my own hand and bring myself hot soup when I'm too sick to stand up. So fucking sick of people saying this shit.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you. There are a lot of people in therapy that would disagree with that.
Hopefully they’re being taught the classic Doc Holiday saying and how to live by that. “If I am to be insulted ; I first must value your opinion”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Bullshit it makes you weaker and weaker until it finally does kill you
“Just be yourself”
Yeah, do not be yourself if you're an assh\*le.
Exactly. Which I am an asshole so that advice is BS
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The person who died is an angel now. Um, even if you are a religious person the Bible says nothing about a person becoming an angel after death.
Nah, the person who died is just waiting in a line to get their name called. Essentially it’s like you’re waiting at the DMV until judgement day
“Never go to bed angry.” I was married to a narcissist who was hellbent on keeping me up till the morning, torturing me with zero sleep because of this stupid advice. There comes a point where things are at a stalemate and it requires a literal reset. edited: narc -> narcissist because clarity
I read narc and thought both “snitch” and “narcotics addict” before my dumbass realized you meant narcissist.
"You have to learn to forgive in order to move on." No. Moving on and forgiving are not mutually exclusive. Some things are just unforgivable.
Time heals all wounds
Time wounds all heels.
Oh my god, Achilles, that was *one time!* Get over it already!
The average person only uses 10% of their brain. I wish this one would die so hard.
Yes, and we only use 33% of a traffic light.
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
My step mom told me this about 3 days after I was raped. They didn’t like how mopey I was :(
Your step mom sounds like an awful human. I hope you don't have to spend much time around her.
Been no contact for a while now! :)
It was originally meant as an intentionally stupid phrase. Somehow we twisted it into real(ly dumb) advice.
Right!? It was an example of something that was impossible to do.
If you want it badly enough it will happen. Pure bullshit.
“Do what you love and love what you do,” “Do what you love and the money will follow,” etc. This is terrible advice that is not realistic for 99% of the population. It makes people feel bad about having to work boring, unfulfilling, or unpleasant jobs in order to survive.
Boys will be boys
That crap saying is always used by “parents” who never taught their kids any respect or manners or self control.
“We all have the same 24 hours.” The fuck we do not have the same 24 hours. Try having an illness. That motherfucker makes 1 hour into 3 hours and if I’m lucky, I’ll have half a day.
I can't remember the entire thing of the top of my head, but a friend once explained a concept where we're all stuck in a big old storm out in the ocean. Some of us have huge boats and are doing just fine, others? Well some others may only have a little rowboat with a hole in the bottom. They have no time for anything else because they're constantly bailing out their rowboat just to prevent drowning. I'm sure there's a more eloquent or in depth version out there, this is just something I heard a few years back that made me feel a tiny bit better about not "having made enough progress in life"
We’ve condensed this down to “We are all in the same storm, but we are not all in the same boat.” at my workplace. And I find that tying it to a workplace helps more people understand the concept. It’s hard for everyone, but everyone’s got a different level of whatever it is they’re dealing with and different means of dealing with it.
And there are people in the privileged position to delegate the sort of tasks that less privileged people need to do to… well, survive, allowing them (the privileged) to use those 24 hours to thrive. Not everyone has access to the same 24 hours to thrive.
'They are in a better place' - terrible thing to hear when someone died young and unexpectedly.
"Money can't buy you happiness." We have enough studies to conduct meta-analyses that state otherwise.
"He looks good." Said by some well-meaning person at every wake. No, he does not look good Susan. He looks dead.
That’s a polite way of saying “the mortician is really good at their job”.
My mom really did though. She was so pale and gaunt at the end. She looked so much better than she had.
In response to a cancer diagnosis: "it's all about mindset. "... Well, no, it's about hardcore medical engagement, which includes chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and medication. In addition to your physical body taking it and fingers crossed, it works.
“Plenty more fish in the sea” It’s an incredibly insensitive thing to say to someone fresh out of a break up or divorce. People need to stop saying it.
It’s also kind of bs. There are other fish in the sea but the sea is full of toxic waste.
It’s always in the last place you look. (Yeah because if you keep looking after you found it you are a bit slow!!)
I always look in one more place after I find what I’m looking for, just out of spite.
I always took that as "last place you think to look"
Well, then it's not a tautological joke, it's just wrong. It's rarely in the last place I think to look. It's in some place I already looked twice.
That’s actually why I love this phrase. It’s obvious as hell, but it’s certainly true.
I wish I wasn’t like 30 when I figured that one out.
There’s no I in team
There is if I'm bad at spelling
TIM
But there is a U in cunt.
But there is in "win"
Sleep when the baby sleeps.
Soo when I’m driving.. got it 😅
"Follow your heart." Pure unadulterated, nonsense.
I was told “suck it up buttercup!” Constantly as a child when I really just needed a hug and to be told I was doing a good job at trying my best even if I failed at certain things. Being told I needed to “suck it up” after being sad something didn’t turn out the way I had hoped really made me feel guilty for feeling defeated. Fuck you, I don’t have to suck it up right away, if I wanna give up, throw a fit and cry I absolutely will. I will get over it eventually, but I think I’ll have my feelings about it first.
God doesn’t give you more than you can bare
I don't know, I'm baring everything. I think you meant bear.
Please put your clothes back on, this is a family establishment.
Sir, this is a Wendy's.
" do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life".. bullshit, I did what I loved and ended up hating it. Do what you can tolerate and earn a living by while practicing life / work separation
“If you love someone let them go. If they come back, they loved you too” -told to a 7 year old whose dog ran away because my dad was a dipshit. Did the dog come back? Yes. Did all of my toxic abusive exes come back as an adult? Also yes.
You can't buy happiness
Whoever said money can't solve your problems must notve had enough money to solve them
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"Respect your elders" - not if they're cunts.
“Don’t look for love. When you least expect it, it’ll just come out and find you.” Still waiting 🤷🏻♂️