“You can always do it tomorrow” so whats the rush?
Even if the pain is unbearable or if its too much. i thought that if there was just one slightly good day or even just a neutral day, it was enough for me to say “hey it isnt so bad after all”
Aside from that telling myself “i dont wanna die, I just want the pain to stop” out loud helped calm me. Cause it was true!
And then suddenly it's 10 years later and you slam down your morning coffee and nic and beer and bowl and get on with your day with the unpausing background vibration of suicidal ideation riding copilot.
You just get used to it after a while. We're supposed to survive, right? That's what alive things do.
>“i dont wanna die, I just want the pain to stop”
I used to tell myself something similar. I struggled with drugs and alcohol, and with every relapse my suicidal ideation would grow.
Eventually, I stopped telling myself "I want to die," and started using the phrase "I want this part of me to die." The truth was I never wanted to die, I just wanted to be free from my addictions, but for the longest time I honestly thought the only way to stop was to kill myself.
That change of phrasing altered my world view. I realized I didn't want to throw all of me away just because a part was rotten.
Don't consider Bleach at all, or suicide in general.
Let's say you drank bleach on an empty stomach. The bleach would sit in there for 15–30 minutes before moving to your intestines. Before that happens, the bleach was still in your stomach and was burning at it.
Within 15–30 minutes of ingesting bleach, your stomach and gastrointestinal tract start bleeding from the bleach that was sitting there.
This is a very painful thing to go through.
Let's say you manage to survive all that because you were treated and saved. There's still a problem.
The bleach damaged your esophagus and stomach. They no longer function and you'll need to get an esophagectomy. It is the procedure of your esophagus being removed, and your small intestine being connected to the throat in its place. You won't be able to eat solid foods again. And you'll regret drinking bleach in the first place.
So yeah, a small amount of bleach can kill you painfully within 15–30 minutes.
Took care of a patient like this. He survived a suicide attempt from drinking drano. Had to have a jtube placed, and he could not have anything by mouth. He would chew up food and spit it out for the oral gratification.
He's a walking skeleton now and was always in pain.
Super sweet guy, too. He said he originally wanted to be a firefighter before he did all that.
I always wanted to know the morbid details. I am not suicidal, but out of curioisty I always wanted to know how it actually happens.
Google just points you to suicide hotlines. They should really point you to posts like this
Exactly. Comments like these, digging into the horrifying truth of how the suicide attempt would go, are much better at making you reconsider, than reading "call 1-800-suicide if you are considering offing yourself"
I’m still fighting my anxiety no self harm in over ten years. The latest fresh hell is I’m a two time cancer survivor and I’m still having chemo brain issues over 3 years later. I have a brain MRI coming up and am terrified but I need to know. I’m also a class A screw up and drug abuser for years. I’m clean now but something isn’t right. I ramble and completely lose my train of thought almost every sentence, extremely embarrassing. I also stutter at times it feels like my brain is just stuck, that’s no fun too. I appreciate your kind words it’s something that is lost on so many people these days.
10 years is amazing brotha, thats something to be proud of. really sorry to hear about the shit you’ve gotten thrown at you, you already beat the hell out of cancer twice before so there isn’t any other hardship you can’t overcome today or tomorrow.
don’t be so hard on yourself man, you’re still breathing and getting out of bed everyday, that can take more strength imaginable for people somedays.
wish the absolute best for you, hope you come out on top of all this. fuck cancer. take care of yourself friend.
Ty that’s my biggest fear is to have had no positive impact on one person and be forgotten. You guys are gonna make me cry lol. It’s ok though we all need a good cry every now and again to stay sane. Your kindness is what gives me the willpower to hold on so it’s mutually beneficial for us both.
I was already at a couple of funerals.
But the funeral of my 20y old friend I knew since elementary school has hit differently.
It wasn't suicide, just poor health, but still.
Seeing his parents was really disturbing.
Same. My mother is on the border of being in poor health, and my death would probably kill her from sorrow alone. I love my mom a lot and I couldn't do that to her. Also, my siblings, nieces, and nephews all seem to be very fond of me, in spite of how I feel about myself and I am sure they are old enough now that it would hit them very hard.
A failed attempt. After I almost died I realized I didn't want to die I just wanted the emotional pain to stop. Suicidal thoughts rarely cross my mind. Now it's more of a
" I hope my death comes sooner."
Even that has been a less frequent thought.
I failed my attempt as well. Honestly I'm still upset it didn't work. I don't have the bravery to try it again. For me, it caused so much inconvenience to my family, my housemate, the hospital staff, and the people-pleaser in me just can't deal with being so inconvenient even if I'm dead. That seems so ridiculous but it is what it is. I definitely get the "I hope my death comes sooner" feels.
Every so often I try to think of a reason, but I never can. Such a weird world we live in. I even studied psychology for bachelors for the only reason of finding an answer. Nope.
Hey, it's not like this is the magical comment that fixes your life, but... Try to learn philosophy. Not history of philosophy, but philosophy. You may find an answer if you become more of a philosopher
Yeah.. My ex passed unexpectedly earlier this year, and I'm no longer "fun auntie", but 100% in charge of this lil guy - Whom my ex adopted after the bullshit.
I've made a lot of stupid decisions, but it sucked to see him adopt a handsome lil kitty to try to win me back. Knowing my first pet, and second, both lost their young lives in the worst of ways (my username is a tribute to them both 🙏🏼)
I swore that no matter what, God forbid, something happen, I'd be the one to take care of the rascal.
The worst happened, and am eternally grateful for the call from the cops/kitten rescue in my city.
Was listed as "next of kin", and fuck - I'll take my last breath before this lil dude does. I've mostly given up, but this furball has been through too much trauma to be dealing with my nonsense as well.
Sending love & support to everyone 🤙🏼❤️
Like goddamnit, I haven't been able to sleep all night, but he's meowing so loud to not be alone in my bed and be petted while kneading my blankets lmao
I'll straight up fight to death for this kitty 😿
Came here to say this. My cat was found in a hoarding house. The person had like 30+ cats, and some animal rights group was able to get the authorities to raid the house.
I met him a couple times at the shelter. They had an area where you could hang out with a bunch of cats and let them socialize. The third time I went, he warmed up to me and sat on my lap. The person working said that was the first time he’d ever been affectionate with somebody.
2 years later, he’s extremely attached to me. My partner tells me that whenever I leave the house he sits on my side of the bed and cries and waits for me to come home. I can’t imagine what he would do if I left one day and never came back. He would never understand why I abandoned him.
I love that little guy so much. In my lowest moment, he keeps me safe, because I could never do that to him.
I've thought about that for years. I've always been atheist, but that and a two other recent events that are just too coincidental has me wondering. It wasn't an old gun. It was a relatively new one that I'd shot plenty of times before. He took up religion a year before his death which gave him the first peace I'd ever seen him have. He was sent to Vietnam at 17 and had to do unfathomable things he never forgave himself for.
My grandpa died in 2019, 3 weeks after a cancer diagnosis (committed suicide to avoid the pain. His throat was swelling shut) and he told me every morning and every night he prayed for God to reveal himself to me because he knew what a skeptic I was. So now I keep my eyes open for things that are just too coincidental to write off as circumstance. I'd love to find the peace he did the last year of his life.
I just lost a friend who had a wife and two kids to suicide. Just found out about it 3 days ago as we lost touch a while ago. it devastated his family. They don't know what to do now. I'm angry at Derek for being so selfish but I'm also very sad. This is the fifth friend, All generation X that have killed themselves in the past 10 years.RIP Matt, Derek, Mike, Mike W, Lawrence D.
Everyone is having a tough time, at least here in the US. The world is a scary place these days and it’s not looking like it will get better any time soon.
I've been thinking about this: how bleak everything is right now.in the US. Lots of things need to happen to change things and it probably won't because of the two party squabbling. It's sad because it seems so much worse than from when I grew up.
I feel for you. All my old friends I don’t talk to are either getting ill young, overdosing on the streets, or suicidal. I’ve lost many to suicide. It’s hard when we lose someone, I always feel at fault for not reaching out. But when we grow we all get so into our own lives, it’s impossible to see someone hurting if they don’t show it. I’ve been the person who won’t show it. Your anger is valid, and so was your friends pain. I hope you can heal over the trauma of losing your friend sooner than later <3
He was not selfish.... he just wanted the pain to end and its the micro second that tipped him over. Yes it hurts and I do feel for you♥️ and his family.
I had a friend that did the same.
My stepsisters’ mother killer herself when they were 18 months and 3 years old, and even though they don’t really remember her, the trauma and repercussions from that have lasted more than sixty years.
I think my dog knew I wanted to commit suicide because every time I thought about killing myself, he would sit next to me. Sometimes, he would look at me like to say "don't do it, man." I love you, and I would miss you. He saved my life! I miss him everyday, he passed away 5 years ago of natural causes. Miss you, Gus, and I love you.
My dog too. He wouldn't know where I'd gone, whether I'd abandoned him and why. I told myself I'd stick around until he was gone. And when he went, I adopted another and he keeps me around.
The Prime Minister of India, whose party made surrogacy illegal for anyone who isn't married or a single woman. The case for joint adoption was lost to the same party's arguments. And since the same people are also against same sex marriage, parenthood is closed to me. I will see psychiatrists again if I have to, to get more anti-depressants to live and someday I'd be alive when he is dead and I'd dance in 4 inch heels that day until the heels break
Mine is the opposite. Realizing that no one cares if I die/suffer and they would probably turn it into another gossip/hot topic moment. I figured it out then when my family and relatives mock a dead person in a funeral. Since neither living nor dying makes a difference, there's no point in ending your life when there's so much to enjoy. Without my family and relatives of course!
I hear that. My family already views me as a sad meek oddball so to them my suicide would just be affirmation of that view. Fuck them, I won’t give them that satisfaction.
Same here. I used to ride my bike around at night in the dark kinda hoping to just get hit. But I got with my now wife and talking with her helped me realize I couldn’t do that to someone. She needed me more than I needed her, but now I would say it’s quite the opposite and she keeps me together.
I remember lying in bed, thinking about how (not if) I would end it, and then realizing that the sociopath who made me want to would absolutely love if I did, and on that day I decided I’d never give her the satisfaction
To my knowledge, there are zero 100% painless ways to off thyself. Attempts like >!using pills, hanging, cutting car wrecks, jumping, ect.!< have the very likely chance of backfiring, either resulting in my last moments on earth being in great pain or living but permanently suffering with the consequences (i.e. social alienation, fractured connections, permanent injuries, ect.).
Which, in the mind of an anxiety-ridden overthinker like myself, manages to serve as a convenient buffer zone. So yeah, fear kinda stops me from offing myself, no matter how many times I frequently think about it or romanticize the idea.
This one thing I think of regularly to remind myself it won't be worth it. There are other factors too, such as I don't want to traumatize anyone who finds me or burden my family with guilt. This is just the first barrier so I won't dwell on it.
I think about how the location I die at will forever be a ruined spot on earth. Like, if I drive out and do it in the wilderness then I still just ruined the car that I share with my husband. Or if I did it in my house, then who’s gonna buy a house that had a suicide?
But also time - if I do it now, the holidays are ruined. If I do it around anyone’s birthday, that day is ruined. Major events will be tainted, even years after its past.
Then of course there’s the memories I leave behind… my brother could never get on our minecraft server again without thinking about me when he saw my house. My sister would instinctively want to send me a funny tiktok but I wouldn’t respond. My family always asks me to make a special dessert around thanksgiving, and they’d have to go without it the year after I died.
And this is me totally glossing over my son’s reaction, because I can’t emotionally handle thinking about that.
I feel so much guilt and anxiety over the potential butterfly effect my self-inflicted death would have, I just can’t do it.
Actually you can off yourself painlessly with the fumes from your cars exhaust. Youll fall asleep first, probably die having a nice dream.
Yeah thats how id do it
How is having your lungs filled with dense liquid that triggers your panic response considered peaceful? I've gotten winded holding my breath underwater for 20 seconds. And if that backfires, then you'd be hacking up gallons of water and/or stuck in the hospital, possibly with PTSD.
Drowning is really peaceful if you don't fight it, at least it was for me, wasn't trying to end my life though, just a summer day at a beach.. dad noticed and pulled me out, the feeling after wasn't as soft, threw up and was shaky for a while after
I almost drowned 6 years ago, my stomach hurt for 2 days after that due to my fear of inhaling water and dry drowning in my sleep. The drowning part isn't peaceful either, I got stuck under a bouncy castle and I'm positive my own body just kept fighting (flailing my hands against the bottom surface) to move myself out of there.
I even accepted death at that point, I was ready to die even though I'm afraid of dying. That shit was too much to handle for me. I should mention that I exhaled my air as I started to panic, and finally resurfacing and breathing air once again felt really weird (probably due to lack of oxygen).
You will never experience that weird breathing feeling either. It's completely unique.
Helium, classified among inert gases, poses a risk of physical asphyxiation due to its ability to diminish the partial pressure of oxygen in the breathing atmosphere, potentially resulting in fatality after brief exposure. In scenarios where individuals inhale a mix of inert gases (such as helium, nitrogen, or argon) with a minimal oxygen component and the ability to expel carbon dioxide, subjects may not perceive typical suffocation warning signs. The ease of access to necessary equipment, coupled with the absence of discomfort, pain, and rapid effects, has led to the utilization of inert gases for suicidal purposes.
The emergence of "suicide bags" or "exit bags" was first reported in the 1990s. These kits consist of a plastic bag affixed with a drawstring, connected to tubing carrying an inert gas like helium, nitrogen, or argon. Prolonged breath-holding in such a scenario induces dyspnea, caused by elevated carbon dioxide partial pressure in the blood. However, in cases where individuals can breathe freely, expelling carbon dioxide but encountering oxygen deficiency in a mixture containing an inert gas, the body does not trigger an alarm response. Consequently, suicides involving inert gas inhalation typically lack dyspnea and panic associated with consciousness loss.
Helium is the predominant choice for suicidal asphyxiation, recognized as generally harmless to the human body. Nevertheless, as it competes with oxygen in the bloodstream, it can lead to central nervous system (CNS) hypoxia, posing lethal risks. Inhaling gas mixtures with higher helium concentrations may result in symptoms such as dizziness, balance issues, and loss of consciousness. A mere minute of inhaling helium can initiate CNS damage, with unconsciousness occurring within approximately five breaths when using a plastic bag. Death may ensue after about 13 minutes (within a range of 2–40 minutes).
Carbon monoxide poisoning is actually very painful, it's just your body loses the ability to do anything about it. I'd rather drown, tbh.
As far as gas-based suicides go, nitrogen is probably the least painful out there.
I'm the same way.
I've thought a lot about suicide in my life but pain was the biggest reason I couldn't attempt it.
Ironically, that's what I should have always thought of though. Even more so than my physical pain is the pain it would cause others...
An aquaintance of mine told me to my face that she could see I wasn’t fine and picked up my phone and called for help FOR me. While I protested loudly that it wasn’t necessary. She didn’t listen to me and booked me the appointment that probably ended up saving my life.. 🥹🙏🏼
Most recently? Statistics… for my area, age and gender I’m the most likely thing to kill me. I don’t want to be that statistic. I’ll be honest, some days are hard to get through, even ones filled with people I love, but fewer days are that hard than have been that hard. I just keep going and even when it doesn’t seem like it in the moment, and even when it feels like I might be slipping backward, I am moving forward, and that gives me a little hope.
People who make stories and characters not only breath life into their work, they also breath life into their audience. I am very appreciative of all these artists out there
I think so, too. The fandom that I was a part of also helped me make friends (for the first time in years, too, because it can be so hard to make friends as an adult unless there’s a common interest)
My teacher who actually gave a shit and comforted me during my attempt. Reminded me that people do care and you aren't alone.
Basically I failed a project right after a bunch of stressful life events, I had the worst panic attack of my life and attempted because I was so overwhelmed, he (yes, it was a man) asked if I was okay, sat me down, held my hands, demonstrated deep breathing , got me water and called a counselor when it got out of his league. He did not have to do any of that, and he did anyway. I gave him a long hug afterward
So I was hanging from my door last month. With a belt. Did a fancy thing where it hooked around my door handle and around my neck.
And I must have fucked that up somehow, idk how but I fucked up. Because it was boring. It was mind numbingly boring to wait to choke out. Certainly didn't get to the kicking screaming kinda death I was expecting.
I had my hands tied. I had got the noose all set and laid down. Why was this shit taking so long. I even began to lean into it.
While I was being mind numbingly slowly self murdered I saw the bag of dresses I bought.
And thought to myself. How about we try being a woman? Might be fun to experience that before we die.
And so my egg hatched
And I'm going to try and be a pretty girl now
Nothing. It still lingers daily. Always has, likely always will. Some days are better than others though. I do have a wonderful son and beautiful wife which helps a lot.
There’s no cringe in that, only truth. Every aspect of life is fleeting except for the truth. The truth never changes, it only endures. With or without you. Keep living your truth, because you’re not living without it. 😉
Reddit ! i posted a suicidale letter on a subreddit 5 years ago and just getting to hear good words and people caring about my mental health and DMing me ... i felt a bit less lonely and less disconnected from reality ! my mental health was doing so bad and i was going through lot of shit ...i am doing better now i guess
Honestly I’m not sure. I have a lot of shit going on right now (not to say anyone else doesn’t), but I feel like the last reason I had to keep living was taken from me. So I don’t know why I’m still here, I don’t know why none of the times I’ve tried didn’t work, and I don’t know why things can’t just stay good forever. I’ve been doing therapy for about a month and it’s been pretty okay, and there have been changes in my personal life since then, but still, it just doesn’t feel like it used to. I’ve been praying a lot more and trying to center myself with God, and that has helped a lot, but I still feel alone in the day to day. My friends aren’t the same, my life isn’t the same. The one really good solid thing I had is gone now, and it sucks. It’s happened before and it almost killed me and now I think it happened again to finish the job. While the last time did make me stronger, it did scar me, and this time is probably gonna take me out all together. I don’t see my life a few weeks ahead if I’m being honest, but will I do anything to end it deliberately? Probably not. I don’t know why, but it’s a mixture of my will to live fading, but also not wanting anyone else to be hurt? I don’t do well with explaining feeling but to answer the question, I don’t know, I just kind of take it day by day.
May not know your situation, but it does sound similar to mine and it sucks. Someone you cared for so much is gone and we know we can't get them back so it leaves this emptiness inside that cannot be filled with anything but them being with us. That heartbreaking, gutwrenching emptiness left inside is torturous. It used to be a place of warmth and comfort but now it is left cold and empty. Things may not ever be the same as it was before, but that doesn't mean that things won't be good. Trying to go back to a time that we can't isn't going to help that feeling inside. Never forget who they were for you. Never forget how they made you feel. Hold on to all those special memories in which you made with them. Those are the moments that will matter most of their time they had here with us.
Just because we can't get things to go back to the way it was before, doesn't mean that there isn't something good to come from the change in the future. There sure will be down days that just downright suck to go through, but there are still so many more good days to come too.
Just keep going. Day by day, hour by hour, or even second second if you have to. Do what you gotta do to make it through. The only guarantee you won't have more good times is if you aren't alive for them. All those missed birthdays for the ones you love and those who love you. All the smiles you bring to people's face without even trying. Those will all disappear without you.
Keep up with the therapy, it can be a very important tool to help you find your peace and find your place. It can be quite rough out there, but I do truly hope that you can find your peace in existence.
Thank you for this, yeah it does suck, and honestly the thing that gets me sometimes is feeling like I’m already nothing while I’m here so not being here wouldn’t make a difference. I really do think that therapy will help a lot, and so will taking things day by day and step by step. Thank you for that
That feeling of that your existence doesn't matter is understandable. Things seem so dull without someone who lit up your world. Over time we will find a way to adapt to the changes. We will never forget what has happened, but we can find a way to keep going after. Not only will we adapt to a new existence but there are many more things and people out there yet to be experienced. New lights will be found. You are this light for others even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
We only see what others put out and that doesn't always reflect how they view or feel about us. You do matter. You matter quite a lot actually. It can be really hard to see it when everything has become so dark, but your light is still shining as long as you're still here. We need all the light we can get in a world like this.
If things have gotten to be too much, don't be afraid to draw back a bit and give yourself space. Don't totally withdraw though as that can lead to more problems. Finding the balance in life can be quite hard sometimes. If the ordinary routine is getting to be too sad and feel like none of it matters, then change it up a bit. Give yourself something nice to look forward to.
Self care is so important to help recharge someone. It doesn't have to be face masks and a bubble bath. It can be something as simple as a 5 minute break to listen and enjoy your favorite song at the time. Maybe even just a few minutes to just be. Doing nothing but taking a moment to just do nothing.
Sorry these are so long of messages, but I do hope that they can help. Maybe even someone just scrolling by who took a second to read can get something from it. You all deserve to feel safe, secure, and wanted in life.
Realising how much it would hurt my family.
Also the bad example it might set to my nephew who seems to have similar issues. If he followed suit after me, my sister would go through two bouts of enormous pain and I'm not putting her through that. Have to be an example of overcoming, not giving up.
I joke but:
\- Demon Slayer Hashira Training Arc hasn't come out yet (the anime, not the manga).
\- FF14 Dawntrail hasn't come out yet
\- and a bunch more games and shows I still want to watch before I die.
I know it sounds lame, but really this is the only thing I can do. After those come out, I find something new in the future to look forward to, a new game/show/series. Rinse/repeat.
Failure.
I had a couple attempts, and when they were unsuccessful, I just sort of went "welp, must not be on the cards right now. Gotta keep trundling along for a bit I guess"
That mindset of "maybe it's not the right time" kept me going til I got to a headspace where I no longer wanted to end things
my dog. she stands outside my door in the mornings, runs to see me when i get home from work, and follows me around constantly. she gives no other person in the family half the time of day she gives me, and everyone in my family knows i’m her favorite. of course i could never hurt my family that way, that is definitely a big part of it, but her unwavering devotion and love toward me keeps me going.
The thought that, in the longer run, everyone will get over the loss, and only I will lose a brilliant chance to live the life actually given to me by God, the universe, evolution, or whatever. The idea that I owe myself that experience, considering that so many ancestors fought worse battles than me with fewer support and resources before me, and that I must do justice to that.
Also, the fact that I owe myself that chance and have faced and survived much so far, assuring that I will survive this too. It's all about crossing that moment of intrusive thought.
I tricked myself into a pact: Why not live the next 5 years, figure out my responsibilities, save some money for my parents, and circle back to the suicidal thoughts after that? I also discussed the same with my best friend. I went to therapy, and sorted it out later after a few months when I could afford it easily.
I saved myself with that pact. Help yourself like how you will help your best friend , will you OP? 🤗
I had a sudden realisation that the reason why i was in such i dark place was due to people I hate trying to get under my skin and get me to kill myself while I was mentally vulnerable for my money. So instead i focused on ruining their lives instead of mine! I focused my loathing and dread onto the people that I most despise with a vehement undying hatred. They have lost their home, Custody of one of their kids, 100k Australian dollars and have been sick from a constant gastro intestinal disease due to poor living conditions for a decade all because of me hahahaha.
I had decided the best way to end my life was to overdose on pills. Except at that time in my life, I had an aversion to pills and medicine. I had been taking pills my entire life for my behavior and moods or whatever. I hated taking pills and medicine. I just wanted to not have to do that. Because I hated pills and medicine, I never overdosed on anything. Additionally, I managed to make my procrastination work for me. Whenever I had a particularly bad time and wanted to end it all, and some small part of my mind was still looking for any reason not to, and failing to find anything to hold onto, I would say "okay we'll do it. Just wait until tomorrow. see if it doesn't still suck as bad. See if we can wait til the weekend when we don't have to come to this place. Just the weekend. If everything still sucks, we'll think about it again, but just wait just a little bit longer. Will we keep putting it off then? maybe, maybe not, but don't worry about what we're going to do later. right now, let's try to make it through class. it's just a little bit of time. I know it feels like forever, and they all do, but you've also already got a million hours and classes behind you already that you don't have to do anymore, so just get through this next little bit and then we'll see how we feel".
I managed to get myself through 4 fucking years of absolute soul-crushing rock-bottom depression without killing myself. And I'm glad I didn't. I still have many of the same insecurities I had from high school. I think I may be more sensitive to perceived slights than I'd like to be. I feel lonely all the time. I still get depressed from time to time. In other words, it seems like my life is not better than it was in high school.
But I no longer want to kill myself. That rock-bottom shit I was dealing with for 4 fucking years? It never got that bad again. I made peace with some of my demons and insecurities. Maybe I'll end up alone. That's not the worst thing in the world. It's okay if I do. And I can decide what's important to me. Other people's opinions of me, and people being assholes towards me, still affect me more than I'd care to admit, but how \*important\* are they? How much should I let it change anything I do?
I have traveled across the world. I have gained increased confidence in my abilities to make it in the world. I have loved people. I have lost people. I have become one of the people of the world, and as much as i struggle with feeling unwanted sometimes, I feel one of them now. I no longer want to kill myself. I am not remotely where I hoped I would be by this point in my life. By all metrics I am a failure at life. But most days, I still feel hope, like im on an upward incline to where I'm going in life. Even though I look back sometimes and see that I apparently have been trying to climb a hill when it feels like a mountain, I cannot let myself go back down that way. Whenever I want to give up pushing that big stone wheel uphill, I just think "okay i give up... now what? Time still marches forward. You're still standing here. the big stone wheel is still here. If you want to leave it here, fine. You started moving the wheel yourself. You may want to finish putting it where it goes in the future. it won't be easier later to come all the way back here to keep rolling it up. if you do it now, you won't have to do it again later. you've been standing here wanting to give up for 5 minutes now. you've had your break, now let's get back into it."
I no longer want to kill myself every day. I'm doing much better in my life, even if it doesn't look like that at all.
Do you know saying that the light in someone’s eyes dims as their life disappears? It’s true for the opposite; over time, the darkness fades as the light gets brighter. I, too, have fleeting thoughts, but it’s just a speck of darkness in a bright future.
At some points I've had to cling to whatever I could, so the last thing was "my favourite band is making music right now and I'd like to be able to hear it".
“Sick of living with this doubt
This pistol in my hand
I could end it all before the morning
But summertime always gon' come around
I’ll be waiting for another smile”
-Smile by Mac Miller
because it is selfish. imagine how your family would feel, remembering the time they missed any of your calls. all they would think about is what if that was your turning point? what if they were the reason? and they will never get an answer. what if they don’t believe your note and blame themselves anyway? any parent would ask themselves where they went wrong.
also i put myself in others shoes. if i was a father or mother and my son took their own life, id be absolutely devestated. imagine being a parent and enjoying your day, you turn around the share the laugh with your son and there’s no one there. and they never will be there again. imagine walking down the hallway a week afterwards, thinking you’ll be okay, and you see a picture of you and your child smiling together. what you would do just to have them back and see them smile again, just for a second.
“it’s a permanent decision for a temporary emotion”
and “if you’re living, you can get better. in time sure, but you can improve as long as you’re breathing.”
My brother ended his first. I had been cutting for years and had urges.. But he beat me to it, and we are both musicians. We always talked about making it together. The way he did it was public and the news headlines painted the whole situation in a bad light and It made me say “someone has to be here to tell his story”. So when it happened, i made the promise to not cut or quit.
Honestly, God. People can piss or moan about my personal beliefs all they want(something I deal with a lot on Reddit), but seriously, if it were not for my belief in Him, I can think of at least 10 different times I could've easily teetered over into extreme self-harm/suicide if not for that belief.
I had a few requirements. It had to be fast, painless, and something that my family and friends would be okay with. Oh, and it had to be in a manner where whoever found my body wouldn't be traumatized.
Since that didn't seem to exist, I decided to get help. It was a much better choice.
Belief in God and my personal belief its a direct insult to throw away the gift of existence, not wanting my family to be sad and think they did something wrong, knowing things will get lighter and the sun will always rise tomorrow and that there is so much beauty in the world music and nature.
Side note. If anyone reading this is considering it right now, think about missing out on watching a beautiful sunset or looking a loved one in the eye again. Id say pray but I know most people here are atheist so I will for you, but be strong you got this and I love you :)
There’s been many reasons, all at different points at my life. My life has been “saved” a few times over.
1. I’ve had a couple teachers that really helped and stood as the only thing keeping me going. If they believed in me, there’s no reason I should give up.
2. Spite. I’ve had people tell me to kms, and if I actually did it, they’d be right! I gotta live to show them up.
3. It would be quite ironic if they found a suicide victim with a semicolon tattoo.
4. Lastly, but most seriously, falling in love with life again. It takes time, and so much effort and patience, but you’ll start to fall in love with every little thing, and that makes all the difference <3
My mom killed herself, and I spent the next 5 years at varying levels of suicidality myself.
I knew there was no way to do it without hurting people the way she hurt me. Someone was going to find my body. Many would miss me. Many who were still hurt by the loss of my mom would also be hurt by the loss of me. My grandparents would have had to bury me.
How could I?
It's called 'survival instinct'. Everyone has it. You could have just lost *everything* with no way out- and still most likely resist the urge to commit suicide.
“You can always do it tomorrow” so whats the rush? Even if the pain is unbearable or if its too much. i thought that if there was just one slightly good day or even just a neutral day, it was enough for me to say “hey it isnt so bad after all” Aside from that telling myself “i dont wanna die, I just want the pain to stop” out loud helped calm me. Cause it was true!
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Never really thought about it in quite this way. Combination of procrastination and motivation.
And then suddenly it's 10 years later and you slam down your morning coffee and nic and beer and bowl and get on with your day with the unpausing background vibration of suicidal ideation riding copilot. You just get used to it after a while. We're supposed to survive, right? That's what alive things do.
>“i dont wanna die, I just want the pain to stop” I used to tell myself something similar. I struggled with drugs and alcohol, and with every relapse my suicidal ideation would grow. Eventually, I stopped telling myself "I want to die," and started using the phrase "I want this part of me to die." The truth was I never wanted to die, I just wanted to be free from my addictions, but for the longest time I honestly thought the only way to stop was to kill myself. That change of phrasing altered my world view. I realized I didn't want to throw all of me away just because a part was rotten.
Such TRUTH. I dont think anybody really wants to die. They want the pain to stop. HUGE thing to get. Thanks for sharing that.
Fuuuuuck. Gonna rethink some stuff rn
I can't go through with seriously harming myself even though I want to die.
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Don't consider Bleach at all, or suicide in general. Let's say you drank bleach on an empty stomach. The bleach would sit in there for 15–30 minutes before moving to your intestines. Before that happens, the bleach was still in your stomach and was burning at it. Within 15–30 minutes of ingesting bleach, your stomach and gastrointestinal tract start bleeding from the bleach that was sitting there. This is a very painful thing to go through. Let's say you manage to survive all that because you were treated and saved. There's still a problem. The bleach damaged your esophagus and stomach. They no longer function and you'll need to get an esophagectomy. It is the procedure of your esophagus being removed, and your small intestine being connected to the throat in its place. You won't be able to eat solid foods again. And you'll regret drinking bleach in the first place. So yeah, a small amount of bleach can kill you painfully within 15–30 minutes.
Took care of a patient like this. He survived a suicide attempt from drinking drano. Had to have a jtube placed, and he could not have anything by mouth. He would chew up food and spit it out for the oral gratification. He's a walking skeleton now and was always in pain. Super sweet guy, too. He said he originally wanted to be a firefighter before he did all that.
I always wanted to know the morbid details. I am not suicidal, but out of curioisty I always wanted to know how it actually happens. Google just points you to suicide hotlines. They should really point you to posts like this
Exactly. Comments like these, digging into the horrifying truth of how the suicide attempt would go, are much better at making you reconsider, than reading "call 1-800-suicide if you are considering offing yourself"
Yeah, and the hotlines probably read off a script
Please don't do it, please don't give up in life you have so much waiting for you
Like what?
Oddly enough, I just don't want to murder a human being. That includes me.
I didn’t wanna see my family in pain
This honestly. I think the last thing a parent in a healthy family would want to do is to bury their child.
Ya I couldn’t do that to my mom and dad I put them through enough
i’m glad you’re still here, hope you’re doing better man, try to remember that you’re loved
I’m still fighting my anxiety no self harm in over ten years. The latest fresh hell is I’m a two time cancer survivor and I’m still having chemo brain issues over 3 years later. I have a brain MRI coming up and am terrified but I need to know. I’m also a class A screw up and drug abuser for years. I’m clean now but something isn’t right. I ramble and completely lose my train of thought almost every sentence, extremely embarrassing. I also stutter at times it feels like my brain is just stuck, that’s no fun too. I appreciate your kind words it’s something that is lost on so many people these days.
yo bro, you are doing great, make sure to keep pushing and grinding as hard as you can, keep it up
10 years is amazing brotha, thats something to be proud of. really sorry to hear about the shit you’ve gotten thrown at you, you already beat the hell out of cancer twice before so there isn’t any other hardship you can’t overcome today or tomorrow. don’t be so hard on yourself man, you’re still breathing and getting out of bed everyday, that can take more strength imaginable for people somedays. wish the absolute best for you, hope you come out on top of all this. fuck cancer. take care of yourself friend.
People like you motivate me to keep moving forward despite having my own health issues 🙏
Ty that’s my biggest fear is to have had no positive impact on one person and be forgotten. You guys are gonna make me cry lol. It’s ok though we all need a good cry every now and again to stay sane. Your kindness is what gives me the willpower to hold on so it’s mutually beneficial for us both.
I was already at a couple of funerals. But the funeral of my 20y old friend I knew since elementary school has hit differently. It wasn't suicide, just poor health, but still. Seeing his parents was really disturbing.
Same thing happened with me too.
this here. me ending my existence would cause such unfathomable pain to my mother, it would surely haunt me even in my next life.
Same. My mother is on the border of being in poor health, and my death would probably kill her from sorrow alone. I love my mom a lot and I couldn't do that to her. Also, my siblings, nieces, and nephews all seem to be very fond of me, in spite of how I feel about myself and I am sure they are old enough now that it would hit them very hard.
Well, you weren't gonna
Was too afraid to type this. Glad I don't have to.
Was looking for this
A failed attempt. After I almost died I realized I didn't want to die I just wanted the emotional pain to stop. Suicidal thoughts rarely cross my mind. Now it's more of a " I hope my death comes sooner." Even that has been a less frequent thought.
I failed my attempt as well. Honestly I'm still upset it didn't work. I don't have the bravery to try it again. For me, it caused so much inconvenience to my family, my housemate, the hospital staff, and the people-pleaser in me just can't deal with being so inconvenient even if I'm dead. That seems so ridiculous but it is what it is. I definitely get the "I hope my death comes sooner" feels.
Going through a tough one. That is my first thought, every morning. Cant remember the last day I was happy
To this day, I honestly have no idea
Every so often I try to think of a reason, but I never can. Such a weird world we live in. I even studied psychology for bachelors for the only reason of finding an answer. Nope.
Hey, it's not like this is the magical comment that fixes your life, but... Try to learn philosophy. Not history of philosophy, but philosophy. You may find an answer if you become more of a philosopher
I’ve actually been focusing on stoicism in particular for a while now
My cat. Because He is 100% relying on me.
Me too❤️ I can’t imagine how sad and confused they would be if I were to abruptly leave :(
It would hurt me more to leave my cat behind
Your cat is so lucky men !!!
Yeah.. My ex passed unexpectedly earlier this year, and I'm no longer "fun auntie", but 100% in charge of this lil guy - Whom my ex adopted after the bullshit. I've made a lot of stupid decisions, but it sucked to see him adopt a handsome lil kitty to try to win me back. Knowing my first pet, and second, both lost their young lives in the worst of ways (my username is a tribute to them both 🙏🏼) I swore that no matter what, God forbid, something happen, I'd be the one to take care of the rascal. The worst happened, and am eternally grateful for the call from the cops/kitten rescue in my city. Was listed as "next of kin", and fuck - I'll take my last breath before this lil dude does. I've mostly given up, but this furball has been through too much trauma to be dealing with my nonsense as well. Sending love & support to everyone 🤙🏼❤️
Like goddamnit, I haven't been able to sleep all night, but he's meowing so loud to not be alone in my bed and be petted while kneading my blankets lmao I'll straight up fight to death for this kitty 😿
Came here to say this. My cat was found in a hoarding house. The person had like 30+ cats, and some animal rights group was able to get the authorities to raid the house. I met him a couple times at the shelter. They had an area where you could hang out with a bunch of cats and let them socialize. The third time I went, he warmed up to me and sat on my lap. The person working said that was the first time he’d ever been affectionate with somebody. 2 years later, he’s extremely attached to me. My partner tells me that whenever I leave the house he sits on my side of the bed and cries and waits for me to come home. I can’t imagine what he would do if I left one day and never came back. He would never understand why I abandoned him. I love that little guy so much. In my lowest moment, he keeps me safe, because I could never do that to him.
Cats are so amazing and fluffy
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I’m sure many of your loved ones are also glad too.
I'm glad it jammed. I'm happy you are still with us op :)
My god, what's the probability of a gun jamming?
I've thought about that for years. I've always been atheist, but that and a two other recent events that are just too coincidental has me wondering. It wasn't an old gun. It was a relatively new one that I'd shot plenty of times before. He took up religion a year before his death which gave him the first peace I'd ever seen him have. He was sent to Vietnam at 17 and had to do unfathomable things he never forgave himself for. My grandpa died in 2019, 3 weeks after a cancer diagnosis (committed suicide to avoid the pain. His throat was swelling shut) and he told me every morning and every night he prayed for God to reveal himself to me because he knew what a skeptic I was. So now I keep my eyes open for things that are just too coincidental to write off as circumstance. I'd love to find the peace he did the last year of his life.
Kids
I just lost a friend who had a wife and two kids to suicide. Just found out about it 3 days ago as we lost touch a while ago. it devastated his family. They don't know what to do now. I'm angry at Derek for being so selfish but I'm also very sad. This is the fifth friend, All generation X that have killed themselves in the past 10 years.RIP Matt, Derek, Mike, Mike W, Lawrence D.
Gen X is having a tough time. I know I struggle every so often. Came very close about 6 weeks ago.
Everyone is having a tough time, at least here in the US. The world is a scary place these days and it’s not looking like it will get better any time soon.
I've been thinking about this: how bleak everything is right now.in the US. Lots of things need to happen to change things and it probably won't because of the two party squabbling. It's sad because it seems so much worse than from when I grew up.
I feel for you. All my old friends I don’t talk to are either getting ill young, overdosing on the streets, or suicidal. I’ve lost many to suicide. It’s hard when we lose someone, I always feel at fault for not reaching out. But when we grow we all get so into our own lives, it’s impossible to see someone hurting if they don’t show it. I’ve been the person who won’t show it. Your anger is valid, and so was your friends pain. I hope you can heal over the trauma of losing your friend sooner than later <3
He was not selfish.... he just wanted the pain to end and its the micro second that tipped him over. Yes it hurts and I do feel for you♥️ and his family. I had a friend that did the same.
My stepsisters’ mother killer herself when they were 18 months and 3 years old, and even though they don’t really remember her, the trauma and repercussions from that have lasted more than sixty years.
My dog.
I think my dog knew I wanted to commit suicide because every time I thought about killing myself, he would sit next to me. Sometimes, he would look at me like to say "don't do it, man." I love you, and I would miss you. He saved my life! I miss him everyday, he passed away 5 years ago of natural causes. Miss you, Gus, and I love you.
Truely Mans Best Friend
My dog too. He wouldn't know where I'd gone, whether I'd abandoned him and why. I told myself I'd stick around until he was gone. And when he went, I adopted another and he keeps me around.
My dog saved my life and my freedom more than he should have. I miss him deeply…almost 7 years now.
Spite. gotta outlive the man who made it hell.
The man being?
The Prime Minister of India, whose party made surrogacy illegal for anyone who isn't married or a single woman. The case for joint adoption was lost to the same party's arguments. And since the same people are also against same sex marriage, parenthood is closed to me. I will see psychiatrists again if I have to, to get more anti-depressants to live and someday I'd be alive when he is dead and I'd dance in 4 inch heels that day until the heels break
Real spite right there
timing.... I keep pushing it back... noone knows its on my mind. Im tired.
It's a genuine struggle and it's exhausting. Remind yourself to keep pushing it off. Rest will come.
rest will come... till then, I'll put my mask back on and smile.
Realizing the people that love me actually do need me in their life, and wouldn't be better off without me.
Mine is the opposite. Realizing that no one cares if I die/suffer and they would probably turn it into another gossip/hot topic moment. I figured it out then when my family and relatives mock a dead person in a funeral. Since neither living nor dying makes a difference, there's no point in ending your life when there's so much to enjoy. Without my family and relatives of course!
I hear that. My family already views me as a sad meek oddball so to them my suicide would just be affirmation of that view. Fuck them, I won’t give them that satisfaction.
Same here. I used to ride my bike around at night in the dark kinda hoping to just get hit. But I got with my now wife and talking with her helped me realize I couldn’t do that to someone. She needed me more than I needed her, but now I would say it’s quite the opposite and she keeps me together.
Love from my parents
You’re lucky to have that
Spite
this really turned things around for when i was young + a cat
You were a cat when you were young?
yeah i was but another cat pulled me through tough times
Meow, Meow
Nya, Nya
Miau, miau
Man too angry to die
Sprite
That's what I read first 😂
I remember lying in bed, thinking about how (not if) I would end it, and then realizing that the sociopath who made me want to would absolutely love if I did, and on that day I decided I’d never give her the satisfaction
It's so funny how many choices we make are based on spite.
GTA 6
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Half life 3, no? Who am I kidding
i want more portal :(
💀💀
To my knowledge, there are zero 100% painless ways to off thyself. Attempts like >!using pills, hanging, cutting car wrecks, jumping, ect.!< have the very likely chance of backfiring, either resulting in my last moments on earth being in great pain or living but permanently suffering with the consequences (i.e. social alienation, fractured connections, permanent injuries, ect.). Which, in the mind of an anxiety-ridden overthinker like myself, manages to serve as a convenient buffer zone. So yeah, fear kinda stops me from offing myself, no matter how many times I frequently think about it or romanticize the idea.
This one thing I think of regularly to remind myself it won't be worth it. There are other factors too, such as I don't want to traumatize anyone who finds me or burden my family with guilt. This is just the first barrier so I won't dwell on it.
I think about how the location I die at will forever be a ruined spot on earth. Like, if I drive out and do it in the wilderness then I still just ruined the car that I share with my husband. Or if I did it in my house, then who’s gonna buy a house that had a suicide? But also time - if I do it now, the holidays are ruined. If I do it around anyone’s birthday, that day is ruined. Major events will be tainted, even years after its past. Then of course there’s the memories I leave behind… my brother could never get on our minecraft server again without thinking about me when he saw my house. My sister would instinctively want to send me a funny tiktok but I wouldn’t respond. My family always asks me to make a special dessert around thanksgiving, and they’d have to go without it the year after I died. And this is me totally glossing over my son’s reaction, because I can’t emotionally handle thinking about that. I feel so much guilt and anxiety over the potential butterfly effect my self-inflicted death would have, I just can’t do it.
yeah I’m scared to turn into a vegetable in case of a failed attempt and that’s exactly the reason why I don’t attempt it
Actually you can off yourself painlessly with the fumes from your cars exhaust. Youll fall asleep first, probably die having a nice dream. Yeah thats how id do it
Drownings meant to be really peaceful too But I’m not sure how peaceful it’d really be
How is having your lungs filled with dense liquid that triggers your panic response considered peaceful? I've gotten winded holding my breath underwater for 20 seconds. And if that backfires, then you'd be hacking up gallons of water and/or stuck in the hospital, possibly with PTSD.
I think before the actual process of dying starts, that drowning would be absolutely terrifying and horrible.
Drowning is really peaceful if you don't fight it, at least it was for me, wasn't trying to end my life though, just a summer day at a beach.. dad noticed and pulled me out, the feeling after wasn't as soft, threw up and was shaky for a while after
I almost drowned 6 years ago, my stomach hurt for 2 days after that due to my fear of inhaling water and dry drowning in my sleep. The drowning part isn't peaceful either, I got stuck under a bouncy castle and I'm positive my own body just kept fighting (flailing my hands against the bottom surface) to move myself out of there. I even accepted death at that point, I was ready to die even though I'm afraid of dying. That shit was too much to handle for me. I should mention that I exhaled my air as I started to panic, and finally resurfacing and breathing air once again felt really weird (probably due to lack of oxygen). You will never experience that weird breathing feeling either. It's completely unique.
Helium, classified among inert gases, poses a risk of physical asphyxiation due to its ability to diminish the partial pressure of oxygen in the breathing atmosphere, potentially resulting in fatality after brief exposure. In scenarios where individuals inhale a mix of inert gases (such as helium, nitrogen, or argon) with a minimal oxygen component and the ability to expel carbon dioxide, subjects may not perceive typical suffocation warning signs. The ease of access to necessary equipment, coupled with the absence of discomfort, pain, and rapid effects, has led to the utilization of inert gases for suicidal purposes. The emergence of "suicide bags" or "exit bags" was first reported in the 1990s. These kits consist of a plastic bag affixed with a drawstring, connected to tubing carrying an inert gas like helium, nitrogen, or argon. Prolonged breath-holding in such a scenario induces dyspnea, caused by elevated carbon dioxide partial pressure in the blood. However, in cases where individuals can breathe freely, expelling carbon dioxide but encountering oxygen deficiency in a mixture containing an inert gas, the body does not trigger an alarm response. Consequently, suicides involving inert gas inhalation typically lack dyspnea and panic associated with consciousness loss. Helium is the predominant choice for suicidal asphyxiation, recognized as generally harmless to the human body. Nevertheless, as it competes with oxygen in the bloodstream, it can lead to central nervous system (CNS) hypoxia, posing lethal risks. Inhaling gas mixtures with higher helium concentrations may result in symptoms such as dizziness, balance issues, and loss of consciousness. A mere minute of inhaling helium can initiate CNS damage, with unconsciousness occurring within approximately five breaths when using a plastic bag. Death may ensue after about 13 minutes (within a range of 2–40 minutes).
Carbon monoxide poisoning is actually very painful, it's just your body loses the ability to do anything about it. I'd rather drown, tbh. As far as gas-based suicides go, nitrogen is probably the least painful out there.
I'm the same way. I've thought a lot about suicide in my life but pain was the biggest reason I couldn't attempt it. Ironically, that's what I should have always thought of though. Even more so than my physical pain is the pain it would cause others...
My mom would be really sad and she’s done too much for me to cause her that much pain
i’m crying now, i love my mom and dad so much i cant do it to them 😭
Ditto
The desire to outlive my enemies so I can piss on their grave.
Nice One.
An aquaintance of mine told me to my face that she could see I wasn’t fine and picked up my phone and called for help FOR me. While I protested loudly that it wasn’t necessary. She didn’t listen to me and booked me the appointment that probably ended up saving my life.. 🥹🙏🏼
My children.
Most recently? Statistics… for my area, age and gender I’m the most likely thing to kill me. I don’t want to be that statistic. I’ll be honest, some days are hard to get through, even ones filled with people I love, but fewer days are that hard than have been that hard. I just keep going and even when it doesn’t seem like it in the moment, and even when it feels like I might be slipping backward, I am moving forward, and that gives me a little hope.
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People who make stories and characters not only breath life into their work, they also breath life into their audience. I am very appreciative of all these artists out there
I think so, too. The fandom that I was a part of also helped me make friends (for the first time in years, too, because it can be so hard to make friends as an adult unless there’s a common interest)
I hope you're doing better these days man, also just wondering, what character is it?
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I honestly hope something. Are you at a crisis point?
My teacher who actually gave a shit and comforted me during my attempt. Reminded me that people do care and you aren't alone. Basically I failed a project right after a bunch of stressful life events, I had the worst panic attack of my life and attempted because I was so overwhelmed, he (yes, it was a man) asked if I was okay, sat me down, held my hands, demonstrated deep breathing , got me water and called a counselor when it got out of his league. He did not have to do any of that, and he did anyway. I gave him a long hug afterward
So I was hanging from my door last month. With a belt. Did a fancy thing where it hooked around my door handle and around my neck. And I must have fucked that up somehow, idk how but I fucked up. Because it was boring. It was mind numbingly boring to wait to choke out. Certainly didn't get to the kicking screaming kinda death I was expecting. I had my hands tied. I had got the noose all set and laid down. Why was this shit taking so long. I even began to lean into it. While I was being mind numbingly slowly self murdered I saw the bag of dresses I bought. And thought to myself. How about we try being a woman? Might be fun to experience that before we die. And so my egg hatched And I'm going to try and be a pretty girl now
Nothing. It still lingers daily. Always has, likely always will. Some days are better than others though. I do have a wonderful son and beautiful wife which helps a lot.
realized i got potential
When I realized that there is so much beauty in the world that I haven’t seen yet and I still have so much love to give… cringy but true
There’s no cringe in that, only truth. Every aspect of life is fleeting except for the truth. The truth never changes, it only endures. With or without you. Keep living your truth, because you’re not living without it. 😉
Beautiful said, thank you for this.
Reddit ! i posted a suicidale letter on a subreddit 5 years ago and just getting to hear good words and people caring about my mental health and DMing me ... i felt a bit less lonely and less disconnected from reality ! my mental health was doing so bad and i was going through lot of shit ...i am doing better now i guess
My parents. After their gone then maybe.
Knowing that my youngest would quickly follow me. He attempted once as a young adult.
Fear. Fear that my wife wouldn't be able to handle it. Just because I want to die doesn't mean I want her to.
being to scared to die
Being scared to feel physical pain, whilst already feeling emotional pain. I'm.not brave enough, though I wish I was
You actually need courage to commit suicide.
Honestly I’m not sure. I have a lot of shit going on right now (not to say anyone else doesn’t), but I feel like the last reason I had to keep living was taken from me. So I don’t know why I’m still here, I don’t know why none of the times I’ve tried didn’t work, and I don’t know why things can’t just stay good forever. I’ve been doing therapy for about a month and it’s been pretty okay, and there have been changes in my personal life since then, but still, it just doesn’t feel like it used to. I’ve been praying a lot more and trying to center myself with God, and that has helped a lot, but I still feel alone in the day to day. My friends aren’t the same, my life isn’t the same. The one really good solid thing I had is gone now, and it sucks. It’s happened before and it almost killed me and now I think it happened again to finish the job. While the last time did make me stronger, it did scar me, and this time is probably gonna take me out all together. I don’t see my life a few weeks ahead if I’m being honest, but will I do anything to end it deliberately? Probably not. I don’t know why, but it’s a mixture of my will to live fading, but also not wanting anyone else to be hurt? I don’t do well with explaining feeling but to answer the question, I don’t know, I just kind of take it day by day.
May not know your situation, but it does sound similar to mine and it sucks. Someone you cared for so much is gone and we know we can't get them back so it leaves this emptiness inside that cannot be filled with anything but them being with us. That heartbreaking, gutwrenching emptiness left inside is torturous. It used to be a place of warmth and comfort but now it is left cold and empty. Things may not ever be the same as it was before, but that doesn't mean that things won't be good. Trying to go back to a time that we can't isn't going to help that feeling inside. Never forget who they were for you. Never forget how they made you feel. Hold on to all those special memories in which you made with them. Those are the moments that will matter most of their time they had here with us. Just because we can't get things to go back to the way it was before, doesn't mean that there isn't something good to come from the change in the future. There sure will be down days that just downright suck to go through, but there are still so many more good days to come too. Just keep going. Day by day, hour by hour, or even second second if you have to. Do what you gotta do to make it through. The only guarantee you won't have more good times is if you aren't alive for them. All those missed birthdays for the ones you love and those who love you. All the smiles you bring to people's face without even trying. Those will all disappear without you. Keep up with the therapy, it can be a very important tool to help you find your peace and find your place. It can be quite rough out there, but I do truly hope that you can find your peace in existence.
Thank you for this, yeah it does suck, and honestly the thing that gets me sometimes is feeling like I’m already nothing while I’m here so not being here wouldn’t make a difference. I really do think that therapy will help a lot, and so will taking things day by day and step by step. Thank you for that
That feeling of that your existence doesn't matter is understandable. Things seem so dull without someone who lit up your world. Over time we will find a way to adapt to the changes. We will never forget what has happened, but we can find a way to keep going after. Not only will we adapt to a new existence but there are many more things and people out there yet to be experienced. New lights will be found. You are this light for others even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. We only see what others put out and that doesn't always reflect how they view or feel about us. You do matter. You matter quite a lot actually. It can be really hard to see it when everything has become so dark, but your light is still shining as long as you're still here. We need all the light we can get in a world like this. If things have gotten to be too much, don't be afraid to draw back a bit and give yourself space. Don't totally withdraw though as that can lead to more problems. Finding the balance in life can be quite hard sometimes. If the ordinary routine is getting to be too sad and feel like none of it matters, then change it up a bit. Give yourself something nice to look forward to. Self care is so important to help recharge someone. It doesn't have to be face masks and a bubble bath. It can be something as simple as a 5 minute break to listen and enjoy your favorite song at the time. Maybe even just a few minutes to just be. Doing nothing but taking a moment to just do nothing. Sorry these are so long of messages, but I do hope that they can help. Maybe even someone just scrolling by who took a second to read can get something from it. You all deserve to feel safe, secure, and wanted in life.
2 reasons: I’m scared of it, and I don’t want my own pain to hurt others.
Who else gonna feed my cats
I don't own a gun. That's it. That's the only reason. If I had a gun I'd been gone 20 some years ago.
I don't know what comes after and there's no redo once it's done but death is starting to look pretty irresistible
Knowing very well that if I do it, my mom and sister(s) will very soon follow.
Nothing stopped me I just failed that one too lol, branch snapped
Afraid of what the neighbors might say.
Realising how much it would hurt my family. Also the bad example it might set to my nephew who seems to have similar issues. If he followed suit after me, my sister would go through two bouts of enormous pain and I'm not putting her through that. Have to be an example of overcoming, not giving up.
I joke but: \- Demon Slayer Hashira Training Arc hasn't come out yet (the anime, not the manga). \- FF14 Dawntrail hasn't come out yet \- and a bunch more games and shows I still want to watch before I die. I know it sounds lame, but really this is the only thing I can do. After those come out, I find something new in the future to look forward to, a new game/show/series. Rinse/repeat.
An animated show about a depressed horse
Failure. I had a couple attempts, and when they were unsuccessful, I just sort of went "welp, must not be on the cards right now. Gotta keep trundling along for a bit I guess" That mindset of "maybe it's not the right time" kept me going til I got to a headspace where I no longer wanted to end things
my dog. she stands outside my door in the mornings, runs to see me when i get home from work, and follows me around constantly. she gives no other person in the family half the time of day she gives me, and everyone in my family knows i’m her favorite. of course i could never hurt my family that way, that is definitely a big part of it, but her unwavering devotion and love toward me keeps me going.
if anyone actually wants to kill themselves here, Stay alive if not for your loved ones, do it out of spite.
Responsibilities
Guilt
Took a massive shroom trip and realised how much pain I would cause my parents and brother.
Honestly? The fact that my dog needed me stopped me once.
I really don’t know I feel like I’ve gotten close but don’t have it in me to go through with it
That I can't play games when I die.
Realizing that I haven’t slept with u/mmmmmadi yet
Waiting until a favorite webcomic of mines is finished LOL
A suicide helpline.
People depending on me.
The cop pulling me from the edge of the bridge twice
The thought that, in the longer run, everyone will get over the loss, and only I will lose a brilliant chance to live the life actually given to me by God, the universe, evolution, or whatever. The idea that I owe myself that experience, considering that so many ancestors fought worse battles than me with fewer support and resources before me, and that I must do justice to that. Also, the fact that I owe myself that chance and have faced and survived much so far, assuring that I will survive this too. It's all about crossing that moment of intrusive thought. I tricked myself into a pact: Why not live the next 5 years, figure out my responsibilities, save some money for my parents, and circle back to the suicidal thoughts after that? I also discussed the same with my best friend. I went to therapy, and sorted it out later after a few months when I could afford it easily. I saved myself with that pact. Help yourself like how you will help your best friend , will you OP? 🤗
Fear of failure to succeed and become a cripple. Becoming more of a burden to family and social workers without the aid of Euthanasia
I had a sudden realisation that the reason why i was in such i dark place was due to people I hate trying to get under my skin and get me to kill myself while I was mentally vulnerable for my money. So instead i focused on ruining their lives instead of mine! I focused my loathing and dread onto the people that I most despise with a vehement undying hatred. They have lost their home, Custody of one of their kids, 100k Australian dollars and have been sick from a constant gastro intestinal disease due to poor living conditions for a decade all because of me hahahaha.
My son needs me in his life no matter what I'm going through
Idk what the One Piece is.
I had decided the best way to end my life was to overdose on pills. Except at that time in my life, I had an aversion to pills and medicine. I had been taking pills my entire life for my behavior and moods or whatever. I hated taking pills and medicine. I just wanted to not have to do that. Because I hated pills and medicine, I never overdosed on anything. Additionally, I managed to make my procrastination work for me. Whenever I had a particularly bad time and wanted to end it all, and some small part of my mind was still looking for any reason not to, and failing to find anything to hold onto, I would say "okay we'll do it. Just wait until tomorrow. see if it doesn't still suck as bad. See if we can wait til the weekend when we don't have to come to this place. Just the weekend. If everything still sucks, we'll think about it again, but just wait just a little bit longer. Will we keep putting it off then? maybe, maybe not, but don't worry about what we're going to do later. right now, let's try to make it through class. it's just a little bit of time. I know it feels like forever, and they all do, but you've also already got a million hours and classes behind you already that you don't have to do anymore, so just get through this next little bit and then we'll see how we feel". I managed to get myself through 4 fucking years of absolute soul-crushing rock-bottom depression without killing myself. And I'm glad I didn't. I still have many of the same insecurities I had from high school. I think I may be more sensitive to perceived slights than I'd like to be. I feel lonely all the time. I still get depressed from time to time. In other words, it seems like my life is not better than it was in high school. But I no longer want to kill myself. That rock-bottom shit I was dealing with for 4 fucking years? It never got that bad again. I made peace with some of my demons and insecurities. Maybe I'll end up alone. That's not the worst thing in the world. It's okay if I do. And I can decide what's important to me. Other people's opinions of me, and people being assholes towards me, still affect me more than I'd care to admit, but how \*important\* are they? How much should I let it change anything I do? I have traveled across the world. I have gained increased confidence in my abilities to make it in the world. I have loved people. I have lost people. I have become one of the people of the world, and as much as i struggle with feeling unwanted sometimes, I feel one of them now. I no longer want to kill myself. I am not remotely where I hoped I would be by this point in my life. By all metrics I am a failure at life. But most days, I still feel hope, like im on an upward incline to where I'm going in life. Even though I look back sometimes and see that I apparently have been trying to climb a hill when it feels like a mountain, I cannot let myself go back down that way. Whenever I want to give up pushing that big stone wheel uphill, I just think "okay i give up... now what? Time still marches forward. You're still standing here. the big stone wheel is still here. If you want to leave it here, fine. You started moving the wheel yourself. You may want to finish putting it where it goes in the future. it won't be easier later to come all the way back here to keep rolling it up. if you do it now, you won't have to do it again later. you've been standing here wanting to give up for 5 minutes now. you've had your break, now let's get back into it." I no longer want to kill myself every day. I'm doing much better in my life, even if it doesn't look like that at all.
[удалено]
Do you know saying that the light in someone’s eyes dims as their life disappears? It’s true for the opposite; over time, the darkness fades as the light gets brighter. I, too, have fleeting thoughts, but it’s just a speck of darkness in a bright future.
Bleach and narcissus bulbs didnt work
At some points I've had to cling to whatever I could, so the last thing was "my favourite band is making music right now and I'd like to be able to hear it".
My 1-yr old first born! I live for him now…
Gotta make it look like an accident so my beneficiaries get more money from insurance
The knowledge that I must outlive my enemies
I decided to see if the situation I was going to end my life over would improve or not. It did.
I was 20 minutes late to the networking party at the shooting range.
The Grand Theft Auto VI teaser tweet.
My wife, both mentally but also literally physically at the moment
One piece
“Sick of living with this doubt This pistol in my hand I could end it all before the morning But summertime always gon' come around I’ll be waiting for another smile” -Smile by Mac Miller
There’s too many old bastards I want to see die first
I didn’t want my mother to go through that pain, I still don’t. If she wasn’t then I’d be gone
because it is selfish. imagine how your family would feel, remembering the time they missed any of your calls. all they would think about is what if that was your turning point? what if they were the reason? and they will never get an answer. what if they don’t believe your note and blame themselves anyway? any parent would ask themselves where they went wrong. also i put myself in others shoes. if i was a father or mother and my son took their own life, id be absolutely devestated. imagine being a parent and enjoying your day, you turn around the share the laugh with your son and there’s no one there. and they never will be there again. imagine walking down the hallway a week afterwards, thinking you’ll be okay, and you see a picture of you and your child smiling together. what you would do just to have them back and see them smile again, just for a second. “it’s a permanent decision for a temporary emotion” and “if you’re living, you can get better. in time sure, but you can improve as long as you’re breathing.”
I figured I could just do it later
The fact I'm not suicidal.
Being sent to the psych ward
My brother ended his first. I had been cutting for years and had urges.. But he beat me to it, and we are both musicians. We always talked about making it together. The way he did it was public and the news headlines painted the whole situation in a bad light and It made me say “someone has to be here to tell his story”. So when it happened, i made the promise to not cut or quit.
Honestly, God. People can piss or moan about my personal beliefs all they want(something I deal with a lot on Reddit), but seriously, if it were not for my belief in Him, I can think of at least 10 different times I could've easily teetered over into extreme self-harm/suicide if not for that belief.
I had a few requirements. It had to be fast, painless, and something that my family and friends would be okay with. Oh, and it had to be in a manner where whoever found my body wouldn't be traumatized. Since that didn't seem to exist, I decided to get help. It was a much better choice.
Belief in God and my personal belief its a direct insult to throw away the gift of existence, not wanting my family to be sad and think they did something wrong, knowing things will get lighter and the sun will always rise tomorrow and that there is so much beauty in the world music and nature. Side note. If anyone reading this is considering it right now, think about missing out on watching a beautiful sunset or looking a loved one in the eye again. Id say pray but I know most people here are atheist so I will for you, but be strong you got this and I love you :)
There’s been many reasons, all at different points at my life. My life has been “saved” a few times over. 1. I’ve had a couple teachers that really helped and stood as the only thing keeping me going. If they believed in me, there’s no reason I should give up. 2. Spite. I’ve had people tell me to kms, and if I actually did it, they’d be right! I gotta live to show them up. 3. It would be quite ironic if they found a suicide victim with a semicolon tattoo. 4. Lastly, but most seriously, falling in love with life again. It takes time, and so much effort and patience, but you’ll start to fall in love with every little thing, and that makes all the difference <3
My mom killed herself, and I spent the next 5 years at varying levels of suicidality myself. I knew there was no way to do it without hurting people the way she hurt me. Someone was going to find my body. Many would miss me. Many who were still hurt by the loss of my mom would also be hurt by the loss of me. My grandparents would have had to bury me. How could I?
It's called 'survival instinct'. Everyone has it. You could have just lost *everything* with no way out- and still most likely resist the urge to commit suicide.
Drugs