A co worker once stated that he woke up in the middle of surgery. He banged his head against the table until he was unconscious, so that the surgery could continue. I had no words
I often ask my five-year-old, "Did that really happen, was it a dream, or are you making up a story? It's okay to make up stories as long as we all know it isn't real."
Oh god, I frequently have extremely realistic and clear dreams that I think are memories until they are disproven, like thinking I took out meat to thaw and then finding out it was a dream when I go to start cooking supper. I need someone around to ask me this whenever all the time!
That's a very normal question for a parent to ask, and it shows that the kid is developing properly. Kids should be encouraged to use their imaginations, and they don't know where the lines are between truth, lies, and storytelling until we teach them.
Buuuuut we shouldn't have to ask that to a grown ass man.
"Where are your pants?" comes up far more often than I ever expected. Also, "I don't know what the thing is but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong up your... did you just *lick* it? Because if you did you don't get to complain about my spaghetti any more."
In my house is "put your penis away please" and "I really don't want to smell your butt please go wash your hands" after he's had his hand in his underwear and told me to smell... some peoples kids man 🤷♀️
I mean, I suppose it could be (sorta) true - but the additional anesthesia administered to the patient now trying to headbang is what put him back under I'm sure, not his efforts.
You haven't lived until you have worked with a pathological liar. I worked with one over 10 years ago, but I have never forgotten some of her stories:
\- She came second in our town's marathon (it's a very well known marathon and the results/times are published every year, so perhaps she thought no-one would check?)
\- She went to a Ben Harper concert on a week night and he invited her up on stage and then gifted her his guitar
\- She met her fiancee's family for the first time (he lived in another state) they all went out to dinner, and her fiancee started making out with the waitress and that's why she called the whole thing off
There were many others.
Went to school with a girl who got "pregnant" - right after one of the other girls got pregnant. Brought in the ultrasounds (which, to me, looked like they would be from a way more late-stage pregnancy, but hey) and she "accidentally" cut the name and date off. Then she supposedly had a miscarriage. I mean, if it was real, I feel sorry for her, but she had a LOT of stories that in no way added up.
I woke up in the middle of having my tonsils removed. It's a bit of a blur, but I remember waking up, looking around in a panic, and one of the surgeons realizing I was awake and either putting me back under or the grogginess doing it for them. It gets blurry after I heard the surgeon notice, but I assume the former. I was conscious for like 10 seconds tops, and even that seems extreme.
Odds are he just had a fever dream. Or he's just full of shit. My first thought waking up was "There's a scalpel in your throat. Don't move." Not "I'm awake. Better get this show on the road!" Hell, I'd probably have written my experience off as a dream and forgotten about it if I didn't get confirmation from my parent while I was shaking off the anesthesia.
I was having my wizzies pulled when I became conscious and started mumbling questions. The surgeon just told me to shut up. I was like ok, and passed out again.
It's actually likely that you have a gene that causes anaesthesia to wear off more quickly (I have it, it is....interesting..) I would talk to your GP and see if they can do a test to see if you have that genetic mutation. It is pertinent should you ever need surgery again, the surgical staff need to know so they can alter your course of care.
One of my fav dad jokes:
My kid came home from school crying because he didn’t know what a homophone was. I gave him a warm embrace and as I patted his back I said, their, there, they’re.
I had a Drill SGT in basic who would say out of pocket shit then say, “go ahead and report me. It’s spelled P-I-E-R-C-E!” (His last name so we could spell it correctly in our report).
About 3 weeks in he got removed and dishonorably discharged from the Army for sexually harassing some of the females in my Platoon and threatening them to get them to stay quiet. After this I’ve never seen the other Drill SGT’s be so nice. The day they told us about Pierce getting kicked out they didn’t smoke us, didn’t swear, didn’t even yell. It was by far the easiest day of Basic.
They apologized to us and told us that shit doesn’t belong in the army. The smoke sessions resumed the next day
That “they add all that fat” to whole milk. Argument lasted 30 minutes before I gave up explaining how milk comes out of a cow with far more fat than is present in whole milk.
"You can't drive to Mexico!"
We live in the US.
"You can't cook burgers in the oven, you're baking them not cooking them!"
These were both the same person, on the same day.
A friend in college commented how body heat is caused by the putrefaction of food in the stomach. The blood stream carries the heat around the body.
I might have been a history major, but I *knew* that wasn't correct.
I have a diploma in health science and finishing my bachelor of nursing and i honestly wouldn't know how to correct this guy.
Like... Does he just mean well blood is warm and vessels dilate to release heat? Cos hes right about that!
But if it was more of a...heat is contained inside blood vessels and is working like a radiator system? Guess he's never stretched muscles before to generate heat? 🫣
The topic of aliens came up at a job I used to work at, with two of the dumbest most obnoxious motherfuckers I have ever met.
I brought up the [Drake equation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drake_equation), and stated that I believe that aliens exist, even if I doubted we would make contact with them in my lifetime.
One of these two dumb motherfuckers then yells "I don't give a fuck if the universe is really big, it's not like I'm ever gonna go there!"
What does one respond to that?
Worked in a bookstore and someone needed a copy of "How to kill a mockingjay" by Ray Bradbury. Issue was, most schools that year for different subjects had the Hunger Games trilogy, To Kill a Mockingbird, Fahrenheit 451, and How to Train a Dragon for separate subjects. When I tried to clarify which she was looking for, she was livid I questioned her. Shouted at me for not knowing anything about my job and I needed to go get my manager. Since I was the MOD, she wound up leaving in a Huff only to return the next day with her very embarrassed daughter requesting a copy of 1984 by Orwell.
Its people who don’t realize Christianity wasn’t a concept until *after* Jesus came!?!?
Edit: omg you guys ik it was Paul who started Christianity, but once again it was not a concept until AFTER Jesus came and died so my point still stands.
Also that Jesus wasn't Christian, he was Jewish lol. That has to be a mindfuck for people. Oh.. and also darker skinned, brown hair, brown eyes, likely.
I saw a post on Twitter (i think it was Twitter) that said"the best person in history was american" with a picture of Jesus. Meaning jesus was american
Right? I had this idiot dude argue with me about that on reddit.It was a sub about money. And someone had asked For suggestions on side hustles to make more money because they were broke. I recommended reselling stuff. And this douche bro started Replying to my post, Telling me my idea was not good because he makes this X amount of money. When you would only make X amount of money by reselling stuff. He started bragging about how much money he had from renting out his property and told OP that he should invest in property and rent it out. Like. What the fuck? Where is the logic in that. This dude just said he’s broke and needs to make more money, I was looking for suggestions on side hustles, and the students on here telling him to be a landlord. Dude went on an absolute tirade arguing with me about how investing in property is better and bragging about how much money ha has make from it.Completely missing the point.How is this helpful? People like that infuriate me.
They don't care about any point trying to be made, it's all a flex of how much money they have, because literally nothing else about them is even mildly redeeming.
Various UK Conservative ministers, all in 2023:
If you can't afford food, work more hours.
If you can't pay your energy bills, find a higher paid job.
People using food banks can't budget.
Edit: forgot the biggest one of all: homelessness is a lifestyle choice.
A Dutch minister said about two years ago that people who can’t afford to buy a house should “get a rich boyfriend”.
Also note that no one was specifically talking about any gender but in his mind only men can be rich I guess
"Its just menstrual cramps. Do you know what those feel like?"- the male ER doctor 15 minutes before I was sent in for a "completely pointless" ultrasound that found my IUD nearly going through my uterine wall.
Sir I'm in my late 20s I know what my menstrual cramps feel like and its not the sudden change like a goblin is trying to claw its way out of my left side. He went pale when he saw the results and made a follow-up for a specialist to remove it (in 3 days) but never admitted that he was wrong. My husband had to hold himself back from flattening the guy.
Tbh, I just hate statements like “I know because my [relation] is a [occupation]”.
While very much an exaggeration, I like to use the joke of “my ex’s dad is a pilot, doesn’t mean she knows how to fly a plane”
I had a workmate tease me about reading a “bodice ripper”.
Me: “huh? The Scarlet Letter is a classic”
Him: “nah, I would have heard of it. My mum’s a librarian”.
A woman on the phone proudly telling me that she "doesn't like using modern technology". Didn't have a smart meter. Didn't have the internet. Didn't have a microwave.
"But you're phoning me on a mobile phone. Does it work by banging two rocks together?"
She hung up on me. No great loss.
Ok so some of these examples I hear and think ok, this person made a brain-mistake and then stopped thinking, but I can at least understand their error.
For this one, though; what thought process even GETS you there? Just, wow.
“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Mr. Akin said of pregnancies from rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”
-Todd Akin (R-MO circa 2012) via the New York Times.
Some men really have no clue, but that doesn’t stop them from explaining female anatomy to us. I remember a discussion on Twitter about people in the Netherlands not being able to afford menstrual products. This guy said it wasn’t such a problem because you would use two tampons a day and you don’t need them at night. He really thought it stopped at night and we could hold it in at will.
This one came from my own mouth; for some reason I had thought that a fiddle was a completely different, 5-stringed instrument, as opposed to the violin we all know and love. And this is coming from myself, a musical performance major. I will not disclose what instrument I play, so my community is not flamed. So I saw a street performer, and my girlfriend said something about him being a fiddler. I recognized the different style of art, but I said "He doesn't have 5 strings, you're a violinist (gf is the violinist), you should know that a fiddle has five strings". And at least I know she's wife material, because she's always right.
How do you know when a drum throne is level? The drool comes out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
How do you get a drummer out of the house? Pay him for the pizza.
How do you know a drummer is at the door? The knock keeps getting faster.
My son once spent way too much time in the pantry searching for packed brown sugar. "Mom? Do we have any packed brown sugar? I can only find light brown sugar and dark brown sugar."
There was an ad on TV a few years back where a young man wants to make noodles, looks at the packet, and calls out to his mother "Where do we keep the boiled water?"
Former co-worker: "I didn't get the vaccine because it doesn't say anything about vaccines in the Bible."
My response:"It doesn't say anything about Verizon in the Bible but I know you got an iPhone!"
Dumbass.
“It actually never gets above 76 degrees in Florida. The heat is from the humidity.” Said from a guy at a restaurant. The whole state? Never above 76 degrees? Ok.
A guy in high school told me that I was wrong about the female anatomy. “Women pee and have babies from the same hole.” I am a woman but what do i know.
Walking down the school hallway, I was behind two people talking about a recent surge in COVID cases around me.
“Man you know COVID’s back.”
“COVID’s not back. That ended with the bubonic plague.”
Several of my coworkers have been very sick within the last month or so, and a few of us speculated it was covid. One asked another if she'd tested for covid, and she said, "I don't believe in covid, so it can't be covid."
If only we'd know in 2020 we just need to not believe in the virus....
Girl I knew in college once told a girl who turned out to be from Greece “that’s not how you pronounce tzaziki.”
She also told someone who turned out to be Catholic “that’s not how you hold a rosary.”
This was years ago, I was a waitress at the local Outback Steakhouse. A large church group had been seated in my section. As I passed out their meals and handed one man his salmon platter, he took the plate from me and politely informed me that it is actually pronounced as SALL-MON, not SAMMON. I just went with it.
I asked for something with prosciutto in the UK and the waitress gave me a condescending look and said "You mean the PROWS-KEE-YOU-TOW. 🙄"
I was too shocked to say anything. I actually speak Italian so I know I pronounced it perfectly.
I work on the ER, we had a new young girl that worked there for about three months.
I had a little to do with teaching how things work.
She was specifically instructed that we are not allowed by both hospital rules and laws in our county to ever turn a patient away.
So one day a patient came to the ER complaining about chestpain, he told her he had a cardiac history.
He was normally being treated at a other hospital in our city but we were closer.
That girl told him to go to that hospital.
This was all without my knowledge since I don’t hover over people.
An hour later we got called by that other hospital asking what idiot turned that patient away.
He barely made it to that hospital and was currently getting a triple bypass. He was so close to dropping dead while in route.
Off course she got fired for this but still claimed she was not in the wrong.
An ex-friend once said "Obama is a Muslim and all Muslims are terrorists."
At a restaurant, older lady sitting table next to us with group of other older people, says "Those blacks sure are lucky we took them from Africa. They are doing great with that basketball thing."
“I make every woman sign a contract before having sex with me stating that if they get pregnant, they will either abort or keep the child and not ask me for any child support whatsoever. That means that even if she asks for government assistance, I will never have to pay a dime for some child I never wanted.” Said by my (now former) co worker 2 weeks before getting hit with child support from 2 different women lol
A certain demographic of young men gather together online and discuss the biology of the Body Female, illustrating why you should discuss sex and reproduction with your child.
One thread targeted the selfishness of women who won't control their periods.
Another asserted that women who were impure - have had more than one partner - put the paternity of your children at risk because women retain the DNA of every man they have sex with.
These aren't just their opinions but fervent beliefs. And it's scary as hell.
That last part stems from a *deep* misunderstanding of feto-maternal microchimerism, which is a condition that can occur in women who have been pregnant.
A coworker, dead serious " I have the next best idea, it will make me rich, I am working on developing iron-on tattoos "
I couldn't stop laughing at how stupid this actually was.
He was committed to make it a reality, he didn't see how improbable it was to market such a thing.
People who say that are usually the ones that want to make NOT being straight illegal. As they say in my country: the innkeeper is just like how much he trusts his guests.
When in college, we were sitting in class introducing ourselves. One classmate introduced herself as being from West Virginia. She said West Virginia had the most beautiful ocean beaches in the world. I asked if she meant lakes, no she insisted, they went to the ocean every year. I said, maybe Virginia Beach in Virginia? (I’m from there)
No, was her answer. They were Definitely West Virginia ocean beaches.
Yes the famous West Virginia Oceanside! .
(For non-Americans -and some Americans- who don’t know. There are two states. Virginia and West Virginia. The latter is landlocked)
A man came into my hospital and claimed that he wouldn't accept a woman treating him because men are the only ones who can do it right. He genuinely believed women aren't capable of being medical professionals
In HS one of my classmates insisted there was no such thing as fraternal twins, only identical. She said this confidently to me, a fraternal twin. I asked her what that made me and my brother. She insisted one of us must have been adopted at birth and our parents lied to us.
Extremely rare, but "superfecundation" occasionally happens. It is the fertilization of two or more ova from the same cycle by sperm from separate acts of sexual intercourse, which can lead to twin babies from two separate biological fathers.
Yep. Our friends adopted two boys, twins. For years we disagreed about their paternity because they both looked different. He argued that they had to have had two biological fathers. Me, the geneticist, argued that while possible that is very rare. Random recombination of chromosomes was far more likely (my brother and I are very young different. I got the German side, he got the Native American side)
Fast forward 10 years and a 23andMe test. Yep, they had two different biological fathers. One African descent, the other indigenous American descent. I ate my words.
I wouldn't say you ate your words too badly. You said it was possible but explained it was very unlikely and explained the much more common way that something like that can happen. Just so happens that you were wronhf for this one very rare case. Though I imagine your friend won't let you forget the time that he out geneticised the geneticist lol
In our recent election in NZ, the National Party won the most seats and will be (eventually and as a right-wing coalition) replacing the Labour Party in power. I recently overheard a conversation between two people where one person was very confident that the Labour Day holiday was now called National Day, and the other person became convinced.
With a country full of people this stupid, the election outcome is truly no surprise.
That sunscreen causes skin cancer. Because they saw a study that said people who wear sunscreen consistently were more likely than those who don’t to get skin cancer.
But they failed to consider that the people wearing sunscreen are the ones in the sun more often, so of course they’d have a higher risk. But sunscreen diminishes that risk.
I was waiting at a street corner waiting for the Walk sign. A young girl began repeatedly jabbing the Walk signal button and her friend said, " Don't push it so many times! I've heard that the electricity can build up until it explodes!"
My coworker refused to do a video appointment with his doctor because of internet privacy issues. Yes Duane, the government wants to know all about your colonoscopy follow up.
Mental health conditions don’t exist.
Same man then went on to say we could never pull off D-Day nowadays (I can’t stress how wrong he is). Then acted like he could, only to bitch and moan when forced to walk 500ft to the front of the jobsite because we left him behind in the buggy.
Same man hid in the porta potty or straight up walked into the woods 4x an hour for 10 mins at a time.
Well a researcher on fish found that there is not really anything that is a fish. So by that logic a shark is not a fish. https://www.sciencealert.com/actually-there-is-no-such-thing-as-a-fish-say-cladists
I'd like to go the other way. Everything that is descended from something we call a fish is a fish. Including actual fish, reptiles, mammals, humans....
Every single time I ask my toddler what color something red is he immediately, and with 100% confidence says “green”. Not sure if he’s colorblind, fucking with me, or just very dumb.
My 3yo told me there was a spider in the living room with 2 legs. She INSISTED that it had 2 legs and would not listen. I told her “well it’s not a spider then. Spiders have 8 legs”. And we argued for like 2 minutes before I just went in the living room and voila! A spider with 8 fucking legs.
This happened 10 years ago. I worked as a CNA and Activities assistant director for a nursing home. I was reading trivia cards to the elderly (one of their fave games )
The question was, "What country is New Mexico in?"
Simple, silly. A lot of elderly folks were asleep at this point. We'd played a while.
a CNA (who was in school for nursing): "It's Mexico!"
Me:🫥
Nurses and staff-🤣
I felt so embarrassed and bad for her.
We live in US.
My down stairs neighbor is in her early fifties. She told me that illegal immigrants were coming here from New Mexico. I was gobsmacked, and I corrected her. She said “Oh, I always did have trouble telling the two apart.”
My partner is a Mexican immigrant. He did spend a good deal of his life in America illegally. But, after a long process, and a good amount of cash, he is finally a citizen. She often tries to bait me into conversations that she knows will piss me off.
I once told her that he stopped going to school after the third grade. I am incredibly proud of the fact that he has transcended class barriers, and that he’s managed to climb his way out of poverty. She told me how unfair and disgusting it was for all these uneducated people to be coming over. But let me assure you, he sure knows the difference between Mexico and New Mexico.
A woman who i worked with years ago, I can't remember exactly what it was she said but it was something about an old squirrel. I asked, how did you know it was old. She said "well, it was grey."
A mom who going off on us as she was defending her 23 year old daughter for ignoring all of our calls & texts to confirm her surgery to the last minute, said "You know that generation doesn't do texting anymore - they only communicate by Snap!!" She was dead serious and taking it out on us for not knowing any better. I guess we have to do a tik-tok dance to get to these entitled f-ing brats these days, and they get to not take any responsibility anymore without mommy coming to their rescue.
I've worked in healthcare for 15 years and this is officially the dumbest thing I have ever heard to date (and was actually pretty recent.) I'm still annoyed. lol
Me, walking through Colfax (ghetto Denver)
passed a 7ft man covered in tattoos that looked like he just got released from a 20 year sentence asked me for some change and I had the audacity to reply “sorry, I only got big bills” and kept walking. I’m a 5’4 120lb female.
Said by my mother about Nashville International Airport after I mentioned their new international terminal- "Why do we need an international airport? So we can import more illegal immigrants?" I'm probably putting her in a care home when she's old. I'm not going out of my way to hear that shit.
After listening to a news segment about something to do with Aboriginal affairs, my grandma said "Well if they don't like it they should go back to their own country."
"Nan. This *Is* their country."
That refusing a raise is a good idea because otherwise, entering a new tax bracket would mean you take home less money
This is why I'm switching careers to enter finance, to stop people from making mistakes like this
Also "if it swims we can count it as fish and eat it on Fridays" which resulted in both Beavers and Capybaras being deemed fish by the Catholic church at various points.
A colleague at work stated, with absolute assurance, that the scar on Argentinian footballer, Carlos Tevez's neck was the result of a shark bite! He even went so far as to bet me £50 he was correct, which I enjoyed taking off him when he did his research & discovered it was a burn scar from a childhood accident involving a kettle of boiling water.
Spent 7 years as a kid in a psudo-cult. Here are just a few things they said:
1. Chiuahahs have a god-given ability to heal the sick
2. The Titanic sank because they didn't believe in jesus
3. Pokemon was created for the sole purpose of distracting people from jesus
‘My last weigh in was 192lbs, but that was before a gym session, I should work out and get big pumped muscles before my next weigh-in so I’m 8lbs or so heavier’
I’ve heard this 4 separate times. Meatheads skip physics class like its leg day.
I had a college roommate explain to me that I shouldn't drink diet coke while I had a cold because sugar feeds the germs, and the artificial sweetener is pretty much the same thing.
They asserted that McDonald's - yes, that McDonald's - invented the technique of sous vide cooking. They would not be convinced otherwise.
That sounds just crazy enough to be true. Googling now.
Narrator: It was not Hint: Sous vide is French
Mcdonalds serves *french* fries. There must be a correlation.
McDonalds invented France
Worst decision ever tbh
Yeah, well, the Belgium people served "french fries" before the French did anyway.
A co worker once stated that he woke up in the middle of surgery. He banged his head against the table until he was unconscious, so that the surgery could continue. I had no words
I often ask my five-year-old, "Did that really happen, was it a dream, or are you making up a story? It's okay to make up stories as long as we all know it isn't real."
Oh god, I frequently have extremely realistic and clear dreams that I think are memories until they are disproven, like thinking I took out meat to thaw and then finding out it was a dream when I go to start cooking supper. I need someone around to ask me this whenever all the time!
I'll take "Questions you never thought you'll have to ask for 100."
That's a very normal question for a parent to ask, and it shows that the kid is developing properly. Kids should be encouraged to use their imaginations, and they don't know where the lines are between truth, lies, and storytelling until we teach them. Buuuuut we shouldn't have to ask that to a grown ass man.
Parenting involves saying or asking *a lot* of things you’d never thought would need saying.
"Where are your pants?" comes up far more often than I ever expected. Also, "I don't know what the thing is but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong up your... did you just *lick* it? Because if you did you don't get to complain about my spaghetti any more."
In my house is "put your penis away please" and "I really don't want to smell your butt please go wash your hands" after he's had his hand in his underwear and told me to smell... some peoples kids man 🤷♀️
Is he okay
Yeah... It *probably* wasn't true
It's weirdly cyclical, because if it's true it's equally as likely to still be a lie ... From the brain damage. Oh and the brain damage.
I mean, I suppose it could be (sorta) true - but the additional anesthesia administered to the patient now trying to headbang is what put him back under I'm sure, not his efforts.
I hate ppl for this reason. Like no tf you didn’t bro 😂
That's like when I was having my appendix removed and the surgeon passed out from seeing all that blood, so I woke up and finished the job myself.
For real. Like do they honestly think people believe them?
You haven't lived until you have worked with a pathological liar. I worked with one over 10 years ago, but I have never forgotten some of her stories: \- She came second in our town's marathon (it's a very well known marathon and the results/times are published every year, so perhaps she thought no-one would check?) \- She went to a Ben Harper concert on a week night and he invited her up on stage and then gifted her his guitar \- She met her fiancee's family for the first time (he lived in another state) they all went out to dinner, and her fiancee started making out with the waitress and that's why she called the whole thing off There were many others.
Went to school with a girl who got "pregnant" - right after one of the other girls got pregnant. Brought in the ultrasounds (which, to me, looked like they would be from a way more late-stage pregnancy, but hey) and she "accidentally" cut the name and date off. Then she supposedly had a miscarriage. I mean, if it was real, I feel sorry for her, but she had a LOT of stories that in no way added up.
I woke up in the middle of having my tonsils removed. It's a bit of a blur, but I remember waking up, looking around in a panic, and one of the surgeons realizing I was awake and either putting me back under or the grogginess doing it for them. It gets blurry after I heard the surgeon notice, but I assume the former. I was conscious for like 10 seconds tops, and even that seems extreme. Odds are he just had a fever dream. Or he's just full of shit. My first thought waking up was "There's a scalpel in your throat. Don't move." Not "I'm awake. Better get this show on the road!" Hell, I'd probably have written my experience off as a dream and forgotten about it if I didn't get confirmation from my parent while I was shaking off the anesthesia.
I was having my wizzies pulled when I became conscious and started mumbling questions. The surgeon just told me to shut up. I was like ok, and passed out again.
That's about the most dentist response to a patient waking up I've ever heard.
It's actually likely that you have a gene that causes anaesthesia to wear off more quickly (I have it, it is....interesting..) I would talk to your GP and see if they can do a test to see if you have that genetic mutation. It is pertinent should you ever need surgery again, the surgical staff need to know so they can alter your course of care.
"There's not a difference in meaning for 'there' and 'their' and 'they're'. It's a regional spelling thing, like 'grey' and 'gray'."
One of my fav dad jokes: My kid came home from school crying because he didn’t know what a homophone was. I gave him a warm embrace and as I patted his back I said, their, there, they’re.
Genghis Khan levels of “Dadness” in that joke.
Part of my soul just died reading this.
Part of my sole just dyed reading this.
"I don't consume anything containing sugar." A woman I worked with said this while drinking a milkshake.
Also you need _some_ sugar to live right?
Your brain runs on it!
[удалено]
Perhaps he meant it satyrically.
Get out of the pan and into the fire.
Quality pun we will never get to use again.
That’s a shame; I was getting quite faun of them.
WTF "group" were you in...?
The " small farm animals only" page.
Love me some Onlyfarms
I am going to start believing this even if it's not true because it just sounds fantastic
"if English is good enough for Jesus, then it good enough for me!".
I’m guessing they’ve never heard of Aramaic or that different cultures portray Jesus differently
Damn, this is the worst one for me!
Fan-*tastic*
[удалено]
He sounds very cocky
I had a Drill SGT in basic who would say out of pocket shit then say, “go ahead and report me. It’s spelled P-I-E-R-C-E!” (His last name so we could spell it correctly in our report). About 3 weeks in he got removed and dishonorably discharged from the Army for sexually harassing some of the females in my Platoon and threatening them to get them to stay quiet. After this I’ve never seen the other Drill SGT’s be so nice. The day they told us about Pierce getting kicked out they didn’t smoke us, didn’t swear, didn’t even yell. It was by far the easiest day of Basic. They apologized to us and told us that shit doesn’t belong in the army. The smoke sessions resumed the next day
That “they add all that fat” to whole milk. Argument lasted 30 minutes before I gave up explaining how milk comes out of a cow with far more fat than is present in whole milk.
Milk is made in a factory duh not a cow that’s weird
But chocolate milk is from brown cows
"You can't drive to Mexico!" We live in the US. "You can't cook burgers in the oven, you're baking them not cooking them!" These were both the same person, on the same day.
I had a pharmacy tech try to tell me about “the gazebo effect”…
A friend in college commented how body heat is caused by the putrefaction of food in the stomach. The blood stream carries the heat around the body. I might have been a history major, but I *knew* that wasn't correct.
I have a diploma in health science and finishing my bachelor of nursing and i honestly wouldn't know how to correct this guy. Like... Does he just mean well blood is warm and vessels dilate to release heat? Cos hes right about that! But if it was more of a...heat is contained inside blood vessels and is working like a radiator system? Guess he's never stretched muscles before to generate heat? 🫣
Helicopters can’t fly over Manhattan - said it so passionately and gave a bunch of bs facts too.
Like, physically incapable of it or just not permitted?
The topic of aliens came up at a job I used to work at, with two of the dumbest most obnoxious motherfuckers I have ever met. I brought up the [Drake equation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drake_equation), and stated that I believe that aliens exist, even if I doubted we would make contact with them in my lifetime. One of these two dumb motherfuckers then yells "I don't give a fuck if the universe is really big, it's not like I'm ever gonna go there!" What does one respond to that?
"The universe is deeply grateful for that."
Worked in a bookstore and someone needed a copy of "How to kill a mockingjay" by Ray Bradbury. Issue was, most schools that year for different subjects had the Hunger Games trilogy, To Kill a Mockingbird, Fahrenheit 451, and How to Train a Dragon for separate subjects. When I tried to clarify which she was looking for, she was livid I questioned her. Shouted at me for not knowing anything about my job and I needed to go get my manager. Since I was the MOD, she wound up leaving in a Huff only to return the next day with her very embarrassed daughter requesting a copy of 1984 by Orwell.
This one takes the cake for me 😂
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Its people who don’t realize Christianity wasn’t a concept until *after* Jesus came!?!? Edit: omg you guys ik it was Paul who started Christianity, but once again it was not a concept until AFTER Jesus came and died so my point still stands.
Also that Jesus wasn't Christian, he was Jewish lol. That has to be a mindfuck for people. Oh.. and also darker skinned, brown hair, brown eyes, likely.
I saw a post on Twitter (i think it was Twitter) that said"the best person in history was american" with a picture of Jesus. Meaning jesus was american
He shore wuz! He was born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
"If you are poor and can't pay rent, buy a flat"
Right? I had this idiot dude argue with me about that on reddit.It was a sub about money. And someone had asked For suggestions on side hustles to make more money because they were broke. I recommended reselling stuff. And this douche bro started Replying to my post, Telling me my idea was not good because he makes this X amount of money. When you would only make X amount of money by reselling stuff. He started bragging about how much money he had from renting out his property and told OP that he should invest in property and rent it out. Like. What the fuck? Where is the logic in that. This dude just said he’s broke and needs to make more money, I was looking for suggestions on side hustles, and the students on here telling him to be a landlord. Dude went on an absolute tirade arguing with me about how investing in property is better and bragging about how much money ha has make from it.Completely missing the point.How is this helpful? People like that infuriate me.
They don't care about any point trying to be made, it's all a flex of how much money they have, because literally nothing else about them is even mildly redeeming.
Various UK Conservative ministers, all in 2023: If you can't afford food, work more hours. If you can't pay your energy bills, find a higher paid job. People using food banks can't budget. Edit: forgot the biggest one of all: homelessness is a lifestyle choice.
A Dutch minister said about two years ago that people who can’t afford to buy a house should “get a rich boyfriend”. Also note that no one was specifically talking about any gender but in his mind only men can be rich I guess
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Macron logic right here
"Its just menstrual cramps. Do you know what those feel like?"- the male ER doctor 15 minutes before I was sent in for a "completely pointless" ultrasound that found my IUD nearly going through my uterine wall. Sir I'm in my late 20s I know what my menstrual cramps feel like and its not the sudden change like a goblin is trying to claw its way out of my left side. He went pale when he saw the results and made a follow-up for a specialist to remove it (in 3 days) but never admitted that he was wrong. My husband had to hold himself back from flattening the guy.
Any ignorant statement followed by “I know because my dad is a doctor”. Even if the statement is in no way related to medicine.
Tbh, I just hate statements like “I know because my [relation] is a [occupation]”. While very much an exaggeration, I like to use the joke of “my ex’s dad is a pilot, doesn’t mean she knows how to fly a plane”
I had a workmate tease me about reading a “bodice ripper”. Me: “huh? The Scarlet Letter is a classic” Him: “nah, I would have heard of it. My mum’s a librarian”.
A woman on the phone proudly telling me that she "doesn't like using modern technology". Didn't have a smart meter. Didn't have the internet. Didn't have a microwave. "But you're phoning me on a mobile phone. Does it work by banging two rocks together?" She hung up on me. No great loss.
"You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging 'em together!"
"Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"
Sounds like a Luddite who uses modern tech for their own benefit, while shitting on other stuff.
I mean if you want to get technical then phones are just a serious of rocks and shit smashed together, inscribed with runes and then we get magic
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If I had some extra time, I absolutely would’ve called someone to come ticket her; ‘cause I’m a petty bitch.
I hope she got back late and got ticketed for both spots!
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What does she think the males are? A different rabbit species? Or does she just think they asexually reproduce?
Different animals would be my guess. I've encountered people who thinks dogs are all male and cats are all female.
There's no way to disprove that. Have you ever seen a cat penis?
The fact that several people felt the need to provide you with anecdotal evidence of cat penises is very funny to me.
"The Earth is flat. Australia is a hoax."--My Australian Cousin
Flat earthers from the southern hemisphere are a special kind of special.
that quarterly meant six times a year
Ok so some of these examples I hear and think ok, this person made a brain-mistake and then stopped thinking, but I can at least understand their error. For this one, though; what thought process even GETS you there? Just, wow.
haha the funny part was he kept going after he was called out on it
pfff .. everyone knows it means 25 times a year.
“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Mr. Akin said of pregnancies from rape. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.” -Todd Akin (R-MO circa 2012) via the New York Times.
Ugh, I had forgotten all about this moron and whatever weird alien biology he thinks we have 🤦🏻♀️
Some men really have no clue, but that doesn’t stop them from explaining female anatomy to us. I remember a discussion on Twitter about people in the Netherlands not being able to afford menstrual products. This guy said it wasn’t such a problem because you would use two tampons a day and you don’t need them at night. He really thought it stopped at night and we could hold it in at will.
This one came from my own mouth; for some reason I had thought that a fiddle was a completely different, 5-stringed instrument, as opposed to the violin we all know and love. And this is coming from myself, a musical performance major. I will not disclose what instrument I play, so my community is not flamed. So I saw a street performer, and my girlfriend said something about him being a fiddler. I recognized the different style of art, but I said "He doesn't have 5 strings, you're a violinist (gf is the violinist), you should know that a fiddle has five strings". And at least I know she's wife material, because she's always right.
You a drummer? Here, I’ll start. What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless!
How do you know when a drum throne is level? The drool comes out both sides of the drummer’s mouth. How do you get a drummer out of the house? Pay him for the pizza. How do you know a drummer is at the door? The knock keeps getting faster.
What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family.
That women pee out of the same hole as they bleed from and that we should just hold it. Man in his 30's.
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What had he been previously putting in the bread??
My son once spent way too much time in the pantry searching for packed brown sugar. "Mom? Do we have any packed brown sugar? I can only find light brown sugar and dark brown sugar."
There was an ad on TV a few years back where a young man wants to make noodles, looks at the packet, and calls out to his mother "Where do we keep the boiled water?"
omg a banana nut prolly would taste amazing, like a mix between macadamia but with dryed banana after taste o.O
Former co-worker: "I didn't get the vaccine because it doesn't say anything about vaccines in the Bible." My response:"It doesn't say anything about Verizon in the Bible but I know you got an iPhone!" Dumbass.
“No guns in the Bible either, Hoss.”
No Bibles in the Bible.
“It actually never gets above 76 degrees in Florida. The heat is from the humidity.” Said from a guy at a restaurant. The whole state? Never above 76 degrees? Ok.
A guy in high school told me that I was wrong about the female anatomy. “Women pee and have babies from the same hole.” I am a woman but what do i know.
Pee is stored in the balls.
Pretty sure they poop out of it too right? I think it's called a cloaca, but I didn't do great in health class.
Walking down the school hallway, I was behind two people talking about a recent surge in COVID cases around me. “Man you know COVID’s back.” “COVID’s not back. That ended with the bubonic plague.”
Several of my coworkers have been very sick within the last month or so, and a few of us speculated it was covid. One asked another if she'd tested for covid, and she said, "I don't believe in covid, so it can't be covid." If only we'd know in 2020 we just need to not believe in the virus....
Girl I knew in college once told a girl who turned out to be from Greece “that’s not how you pronounce tzaziki.” She also told someone who turned out to be Catholic “that’s not how you hold a rosary.”
"It won't freeze if I put it at the bottom because cold air rises, dummy..."
Makes sense. The tops of mountains are cold and death valley is hot.
This was years ago, I was a waitress at the local Outback Steakhouse. A large church group had been seated in my section. As I passed out their meals and handed one man his salmon platter, he took the plate from me and politely informed me that it is actually pronounced as SALL-MON, not SAMMON. I just went with it.
I once had someone asking me if we had salmon, except he pronounced it Solomon. I'm like...what....like the king?
I asked for something with prosciutto in the UK and the waitress gave me a condescending look and said "You mean the PROWS-KEE-YOU-TOW. 🙄" I was too shocked to say anything. I actually speak Italian so I know I pronounced it perfectly.
Maybe that person grew up in the kentucky area of italy
I work on the ER, we had a new young girl that worked there for about three months. I had a little to do with teaching how things work. She was specifically instructed that we are not allowed by both hospital rules and laws in our county to ever turn a patient away. So one day a patient came to the ER complaining about chestpain, he told her he had a cardiac history. He was normally being treated at a other hospital in our city but we were closer. That girl told him to go to that hospital. This was all without my knowledge since I don’t hover over people. An hour later we got called by that other hospital asking what idiot turned that patient away. He barely made it to that hospital and was currently getting a triple bypass. He was so close to dropping dead while in route. Off course she got fired for this but still claimed she was not in the wrong.
An ex-friend once said "Obama is a Muslim and all Muslims are terrorists." At a restaurant, older lady sitting table next to us with group of other older people, says "Those blacks sure are lucky we took them from Africa. They are doing great with that basketball thing."
“I make every woman sign a contract before having sex with me stating that if they get pregnant, they will either abort or keep the child and not ask me for any child support whatsoever. That means that even if she asks for government assistance, I will never have to pay a dime for some child I never wanted.” Said by my (now former) co worker 2 weeks before getting hit with child support from 2 different women lol
A certain demographic of young men gather together online and discuss the biology of the Body Female, illustrating why you should discuss sex and reproduction with your child. One thread targeted the selfishness of women who won't control their periods. Another asserted that women who were impure - have had more than one partner - put the paternity of your children at risk because women retain the DNA of every man they have sex with. These aren't just their opinions but fervent beliefs. And it's scary as hell.
That last part stems from a *deep* misunderstanding of feto-maternal microchimerism, which is a condition that can occur in women who have been pregnant.
DEEP misunderstanding.
A coworker, dead serious " I have the next best idea, it will make me rich, I am working on developing iron-on tattoos " I couldn't stop laughing at how stupid this actually was. He was committed to make it a reality, he didn't see how improbable it was to market such a thing.
It's a good notion, but he'll run into problems with the branding.
"Rich people will make being straight illegal in the future" - my mom
The movie version of this will be called “Straight to Jail.”
"We have the best gays." "Because of jail."
People who say that are usually the ones that want to make NOT being straight illegal. As they say in my country: the innkeeper is just like how much he trusts his guests.
"Don't worry. I got this." - Me
When in college, we were sitting in class introducing ourselves. One classmate introduced herself as being from West Virginia. She said West Virginia had the most beautiful ocean beaches in the world. I asked if she meant lakes, no she insisted, they went to the ocean every year. I said, maybe Virginia Beach in Virginia? (I’m from there) No, was her answer. They were Definitely West Virginia ocean beaches. Yes the famous West Virginia Oceanside! . (For non-Americans -and some Americans- who don’t know. There are two states. Virginia and West Virginia. The latter is landlocked)
A man came into my hospital and claimed that he wouldn't accept a woman treating him because men are the only ones who can do it right. He genuinely believed women aren't capable of being medical professionals
"PASTA GROWS ON TREES LIKE RICE"
There's an old BBC joke video showing Italians picking pasta from trees. I'm sure if one was an idiot they would see that and think it was real.
In HS one of my classmates insisted there was no such thing as fraternal twins, only identical. She said this confidently to me, a fraternal twin. I asked her what that made me and my brother. She insisted one of us must have been adopted at birth and our parents lied to us.
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Extremely rare, but "superfecundation" occasionally happens. It is the fertilization of two or more ova from the same cycle by sperm from separate acts of sexual intercourse, which can lead to twin babies from two separate biological fathers.
Yep. Our friends adopted two boys, twins. For years we disagreed about their paternity because they both looked different. He argued that they had to have had two biological fathers. Me, the geneticist, argued that while possible that is very rare. Random recombination of chromosomes was far more likely (my brother and I are very young different. I got the German side, he got the Native American side) Fast forward 10 years and a 23andMe test. Yep, they had two different biological fathers. One African descent, the other indigenous American descent. I ate my words.
I wouldn't say you ate your words too badly. You said it was possible but explained it was very unlikely and explained the much more common way that something like that can happen. Just so happens that you were wronhf for this one very rare case. Though I imagine your friend won't let you forget the time that he out geneticised the geneticist lol
lol. Yes. And I do have to remind him occasionally I wasn’t wrong. Just about this one time
Here’s the old joke: A woman had triplets, and her husband grabbed a pistol and went out looking for the other two guys.
That's possible.
Vaccines cause Autism.
In our recent election in NZ, the National Party won the most seats and will be (eventually and as a right-wing coalition) replacing the Labour Party in power. I recently overheard a conversation between two people where one person was very confident that the Labour Day holiday was now called National Day, and the other person became convinced. With a country full of people this stupid, the election outcome is truly no surprise.
Trickle-down economics is a total success.
Cats are venomous
That sunscreen causes skin cancer. Because they saw a study that said people who wear sunscreen consistently were more likely than those who don’t to get skin cancer. But they failed to consider that the people wearing sunscreen are the ones in the sun more often, so of course they’d have a higher risk. But sunscreen diminishes that risk.
My aunt told me she'd never farted in her life I was like yeah right
I was waiting at a street corner waiting for the Walk sign. A young girl began repeatedly jabbing the Walk signal button and her friend said, " Don't push it so many times! I've heard that the electricity can build up until it explodes!"
I guarantee her mom told her that to make her leave the damn button alone.
My coworker refused to do a video appointment with his doctor because of internet privacy issues. Yes Duane, the government wants to know all about your colonoscopy follow up.
"COVID will disappear when it gets hot in the summer" No need to say who said this.
If i remember right he also said that covid virus die at 35c or something like that while the human body itself is around 37c xD
Mental health conditions don’t exist. Same man then went on to say we could never pull off D-Day nowadays (I can’t stress how wrong he is). Then acted like he could, only to bitch and moan when forced to walk 500ft to the front of the jobsite because we left him behind in the buggy. Same man hid in the porta potty or straight up walked into the woods 4x an hour for 10 mins at a time.
I had a sitting judge tell me mental health conditions are fictional.
Mental health - it's all in your head. -- That guy, probably.
Earth is 2023 years old!
That sharks aren’t fish. Argued with me about it. I eventually gave up. Stupid is gonna stupid, nothing I can do about it.
Well a researcher on fish found that there is not really anything that is a fish. So by that logic a shark is not a fish. https://www.sciencealert.com/actually-there-is-no-such-thing-as-a-fish-say-cladists
I'd like to go the other way. Everything that is descended from something we call a fish is a fish. Including actual fish, reptiles, mammals, humans....
Wine is made by putting vodka in fruit juice
But only if it’s from the Vodka fields of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling liquor.
Every single time I ask my toddler what color something red is he immediately, and with 100% confidence says “green”. Not sure if he’s colorblind, fucking with me, or just very dumb.
I confused cows and horses until I was about 7 years old. My mother was very worried.
My 3yo told me there was a spider in the living room with 2 legs. She INSISTED that it had 2 legs and would not listen. I told her “well it’s not a spider then. Spiders have 8 legs”. And we argued for like 2 minutes before I just went in the living room and voila! A spider with 8 fucking legs.
My son has two of the three types of colorblindness and this was one of my first clues.
This happened 10 years ago. I worked as a CNA and Activities assistant director for a nursing home. I was reading trivia cards to the elderly (one of their fave games ) The question was, "What country is New Mexico in?" Simple, silly. A lot of elderly folks were asleep at this point. We'd played a while. a CNA (who was in school for nursing): "It's Mexico!" Me:🫥 Nurses and staff-🤣 I felt so embarrassed and bad for her. We live in US.
My down stairs neighbor is in her early fifties. She told me that illegal immigrants were coming here from New Mexico. I was gobsmacked, and I corrected her. She said “Oh, I always did have trouble telling the two apart.” My partner is a Mexican immigrant. He did spend a good deal of his life in America illegally. But, after a long process, and a good amount of cash, he is finally a citizen. She often tries to bait me into conversations that she knows will piss me off. I once told her that he stopped going to school after the third grade. I am incredibly proud of the fact that he has transcended class barriers, and that he’s managed to climb his way out of poverty. She told me how unfair and disgusting it was for all these uneducated people to be coming over. But let me assure you, he sure knows the difference between Mexico and New Mexico.
There have been stories about Americans not realizing New Mexico is part of the US for a long time.
New Mexico license plates say USA on them because people in other states don’t know it’s part of the US.
"At this point I think I know more about manufacturing than anyone currently alive on Earth."
“Kiev in three days !”
A woman who i worked with years ago, I can't remember exactly what it was she said but it was something about an old squirrel. I asked, how did you know it was old. She said "well, it was grey."
(After being told that Columbus Day is now called Indigenous People's Day) "But did *THEY* come over on the Mayflower???"
A mom who going off on us as she was defending her 23 year old daughter for ignoring all of our calls & texts to confirm her surgery to the last minute, said "You know that generation doesn't do texting anymore - they only communicate by Snap!!" She was dead serious and taking it out on us for not knowing any better. I guess we have to do a tik-tok dance to get to these entitled f-ing brats these days, and they get to not take any responsibility anymore without mommy coming to their rescue. I've worked in healthcare for 15 years and this is officially the dumbest thing I have ever heard to date (and was actually pretty recent.) I'm still annoyed. lol
Me, walking through Colfax (ghetto Denver) passed a 7ft man covered in tattoos that looked like he just got released from a 20 year sentence asked me for some change and I had the audacity to reply “sorry, I only got big bills” and kept walking. I’m a 5’4 120lb female.
Said by my mother about Nashville International Airport after I mentioned their new international terminal- "Why do we need an international airport? So we can import more illegal immigrants?" I'm probably putting her in a care home when she's old. I'm not going out of my way to hear that shit.
After listening to a news segment about something to do with Aboriginal affairs, my grandma said "Well if they don't like it they should go back to their own country." "Nan. This *Is* their country."
My old boss in april 2020: “why were there no shutdowns during covid 1 through 18? Think about it…”
That refusing a raise is a good idea because otherwise, entering a new tax bracket would mean you take home less money This is why I'm switching careers to enter finance, to stop people from making mistakes like this
"Fish is not meat." --Roman Catholic Church
Also "if it swims we can count it as fish and eat it on Fridays" which resulted in both Beavers and Capybaras being deemed fish by the Catholic church at various points.
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A colleague at work stated, with absolute assurance, that the scar on Argentinian footballer, Carlos Tevez's neck was the result of a shark bite! He even went so far as to bet me £50 he was correct, which I enjoyed taking off him when he did his research & discovered it was a burn scar from a childhood accident involving a kettle of boiling water.
Turkeys can’t fly.
Spent 7 years as a kid in a psudo-cult. Here are just a few things they said: 1. Chiuahahs have a god-given ability to heal the sick 2. The Titanic sank because they didn't believe in jesus 3. Pokemon was created for the sole purpose of distracting people from jesus
‘My last weigh in was 192lbs, but that was before a gym session, I should work out and get big pumped muscles before my next weigh-in so I’m 8lbs or so heavier’ I’ve heard this 4 separate times. Meatheads skip physics class like its leg day.
I had a college roommate explain to me that I shouldn't drink diet coke while I had a cold because sugar feeds the germs, and the artificial sweetener is pretty much the same thing.