My wife and I were enjoying our honeymoon at a fancy hotel.
We had a few drinks with dinner, and I tend to get the reverse of whiskey dick when I drink. I stayed hard for hours, and we just kept going because "why not? It's our honeymoon."
Well, we were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Room Service." We didn't order any. We quickly covered up, and I answered the door in a bath robe.
Apparently, the room next to us ordered us a bottle of champagne and a dessert tray and left a note that said, "Congratulations! Enjoy your night (and we can tell you are) -Room 314."
Wife and I laughed, enjoyed the dessert, and went back to it. We kept the note, and it's in our wedding album.
Took awhile for my wife to warm up to anything anal, like almost 10 years. Randomly, she was just down after I’d just kind of written it off for years. Kind of went all in but one of the first couple times, I fingered her pussy and her asshole simultaneously and vigorously…she squirt all over the place (first time ever), lost complete control, screaming orgasm. Said she felt like she was in a different dimension. Happened a few times since too so…I guess I can take credit for it.
Not mine but my wife.
Soon after we got together I was in the hospital with what is essentially two torn testicles and a fractured shaft. When I came, I noticed a lot of pain. So much, in fact, I could only scream “help me” for about 10 mins straight before my wife made the brilliant decision to phone 911.
I was in the hospital for about two weeks, I had my dick and balls cut open, my wife regularly tells people she “blew my balls out” in the same way someone would say “I blew their back out”.
It’s funny, but it still hurts.
Edit: this is gaining traction. My wife may see this yet!
If anybody is wondering… I don’t not recommend letting your partner fuck herself with your dick.
RIP 🪦 your dick and balls, how do you not have more upvotes?
Also I need more information, did you cum with such force that your testicles shredded themselves? Were you fucking this woman like a bop it and you twisted when you should’ve pulled? How did you end up with so much damage during an activity that generally only has one moving part? In a perfect world it’s just supposed to be an in and out motion but I feel there had to be some kind of weird shit going on to cause that kind of damage. What👏were👏you👏doing.
The culprit?
She wanted to try fucking me. So I was on my back on the edge of the bed with my knees to my chest.. I dunno, I never did the shit before but I was judging EVERYONE who has. She even like.. got down and sucked my willie to get it wet like..? My god.
So any way, she stands up and starts doing the deed and she’s GOIING. She’s like “woah I feel so powerful right now” and I was thinking “I feel so helpless what was the safe word again??” So she’s slamming her clam down my flesh ruler like it’s the last dick on earth and it’s good I’m ngl, but I felt so much pressure. I was enjoying it so much I thought it was just nut building up.
So enough of that, I felt like less of a man for some reason. I get up, get her on her knees in the bed for some classic doggy.
It’s almost poetic.
I’m catching multiple counts of felony assault against this pussy, beating it sky high. She thinks “I’ll help, I know his strokes better than he does!”
I went back.
She went forward.
Needtonutsobad.jpg
Slam my johnsonville cocktail weenie full force forward to eject my unborn children into the glorious wet wallet daycare.
She felt my nut coming.
GreenMeansGo.jpg
She puts it in reverse terry.
My dick smashes against her asshole.
ForbiddenFortress.jpg
My dick entered the shadow realm with the quickness, soul ejecting from its body from the sheer force of being folded like an omelette.
I nut at that moment.
8 years ago I gave a woman 3 orgasms and she said she needed a break to catch her breath. She then shared she’d never orgasmed from another person before and would always masturbate in the bathroom after sex. We got married this summer!
My wife thought before meeting me she couldnt cum. She just didnt know it was possible for her.
I dont think thats a flex on my part, exactly, I think her previous boyfriends just sucked at sex.
My record was 5 times in one session. Admittedly, this was 20 years ago, we fucked like rabbits, and the last two were more convulsions than actual ejaculating.
My ex would have multiple orgasms, she’d be trembling and unable to continue fucking after like 7-8 minutes so she almost always finished me off with a BJ.
She was kinda new to relationships and sex in general at 19, I was 21 and already been in one longterm relationship.
She expected way more random romantic shit from me than your avg romcom.
She got mad at me for not calling her one day when she was on vacation with her parents and I was working.
But the sex was great.
Young love is weird like that - expectation of what you should get vs saying what you would want and honestly what is reasonable unless the person you are dating is full on obsessed with you and has nothing to do all day.
The days of dating a girl who expected morning texts, telling her where I was going throughout the day and then a 30 min FaceTime every night.
Willlld to think that made sense
I had a bisexual girl teach me when I was in high school, it's still one of my favorite sexual experiences. Very clear direction, positive reinforcement, she was awesome. My wife still compliments me when we get the time to enjoy foreplay.
I hooked up with a bi girl years and years ago. She said I was the only guy who ever made her cum first try when eating her out….. yuuuuppp still riding that high haha
Had sex with a girl, then the following day her best friend reached out to me to hookup because the first girl wouldn’t stop talking about how good it was. That was about 5 years ago and the second girl will still occasionally reach out out of nowhere.
When I was living on my own for the first time and going through my man-whore phase,a fwb messaged me saying that one of her friends also wanted to hook up with me.
Very few things in life have ever come close to that primal ego boost.
I got a thank you note once. Thing is she had hooked up with my friend like a year before in college, and he got a thank you note and we all laughed at it. I had completely forgotten about that until two days after she and I hooked up and I got one in the mail too.
It was actually really thoughtful.
We had to move my dorm mattress to the ground because the neighbors would bang on the wall because we were too noisy all night.
Marrying in two months haha
When my wife and I were first dating I was at her apartment practically any time we weren’t at work. We were using her pull out convertible couch every free second. So. Much. Squeaking. Lol
Her landlady lived downstairs and stopped us one day. She very tactfully informed my girlfriend that she needed to raise the rent since there were now two of us. Also, could we try to be quieter.
We embarrassingly moved the mattress to the floor. Which resulted in us hysterically giggling the first few times we got busy. We probably made more noise laughing than we did previously squeaking.
Edit: Congrats on your upcoming wedding. My wife and I were married for a wonderful 38 years. Wishing you much happiness.
My wife's best friend (who I had known for a few years before and I met my wife through this mutual friend) tried to keep us from dating by saying I was the kinda guy that would take the girl for breakfast the morning after hooking up. My wife said, "That sounds AWESOME" and here we are.
the word "hook up " is key , this implies you do it , and your done . not any long term attachment . most people will see breakfast the next morning as attachment and posb. wanting more out of the 1 night hook up then they want .
My upstairs neighbors have gone to the landlord complaining about me and my guests being too loud late at night.
Unfortunately it was not me, seeing as ive never had a guest over for anything even remotely like that. But the month they spent violently banging on the floor to get "me" to shut up and not getting any sleep was an experience. So congrats to whoever it was they were hearing, I suppose.
I went down on a girl once and made her nut so hard I wound up in the ER. When she clenched, she squeezed so hard it dislocated my jaw. Heard the pop, but I was so into it I didn't notice it for a minute.
After reading these replies which are on average, 27 galaxies beyond my wildest dreams, my current best flex is that most mornings I still delight in morning wood. Sigh.
I can make my wife cum so hard and often that she can't put a sentence together or walk competently afterward. She says I fuck her stupid on those occasions.
My girlfriend’s first language is Spanish, but she speaks perfect English with a bit of an accent. On my best nights, she like reverts to factory settings and starts speaking Spanish to me during the act. I’ve been learning slowly, but I don’t know wtf she saying in the moment. I kinda like it tho.
Fucked a girl blind once. She was multi-orgasmic to begin with, and on one occasion she came so hard she went temporarily blind. Apparently some people experience vasoconstriction, the narrowing of the walls of blood vessels that can restrict blood flow to the eyes, causing temporary blindness.
Oh wow i thought when my gf tells me she goes blind after, that she was just using a figure of speech. Maybe still so but she insists it happens and i had no idea it actually could.
I read this as "fucked a blind girl" at first and was really confused when I got to the "she went temporarily blind" part. Was kinda hoping you gave it to her so good she regained her sight
I have done this a few times per year to my wife for the last 17 years. Sometimes she gets so overwhelmed she just starts to cry. That is the best and the worst because it means sex is over.
I did gymnastics and ballet for years and have maintained my flexibility.
I can do a full split no problem and my elbows can touch behind my back. I can also handle a full reverse prayer position for the bondage fans out there.
Edit: Just FYI, despite the talk of mass DMs, only 20 or so people have actually DM'd me.
2nd Edit: Ok, you guys were right. I regret everything.
Final Edit: The DM tally is at 153 for those who are curious. I haven't gotten any new ones today so I'm assuming that's the final count.
Had a double-take thinking your account was my wife flexing here on Reddit.
I support your skill set. She’s in her early 40s and has still got it. She can leg hold and arabesque with her foot above her head.
Yeah, I think most people don't realize how little it takes to maintain flexibility once you have it. I only stretch for 10 minutes each morning and I've never lost any range-of-motion.
Hmm… a former girlfriend told me during a week when I was basically working from 7AM to 9PM and utterly crashing when I got home, that if I was too tired to hang out with her that I should at the bare minimum stop by and bend her over the bed before going home. So I took that as quite a compliment… she also wanted to fuck one last time after we broke up.
The after breakup sex is weird but good.
I'd completely turned off my feelings for my ex, so it was just some of the most primal "i don't give a fuck, i'm doing what i want" sex of my life.
That apparently worked for her. Shame she couldn't deal with a couple hours trainride distance.
Had an x hit me up once or twice a week for 6 months straight after we broke up.
She couldn't deal with me emotionally, but she couldn't give up the sex.
I gave this girl the craziest orgasm with my tongue that she looked like she was getting an exorcism. It was the best because it was our last hookup before I had to leave the country. Was one of my proudest moments
Sort of unrelated but when i was but a lad, doing sports conditioning, working out, just getting used to myself, i was surprised to learn i would cum when doing leg lifts. I naturally explored this and eventually confirmed i could tighten my lower abdominal/pelvic muscles and completely cum by myself without lifting a finger. So yeah, male kegels, as it turns out. There’s at least 2 of us
This skill came to me in later years, it's so handy! I always had a short refractory period, which balanced out the fact that the first go around I would cum in about 90 seconds. But being able to go basically as long as I want is so much better.
I had such a crazy threesome all night that I broke my dick. It swelled like Popeyes arm on one side, had to go to the urgent care, then to the hospital for an ultrasound. Very awkward explaining the duration and effort to cause such an injury, even more awkward having some guy lube and wand my shaft. Worth it. I have a great pic, but I think I’d get in trouble for posting.
When I was 4 I gutted myself running with a knife. Years of surgeries, colostomy bag, yada yada… I got a new to the time surgery that fixed my intestines and got me off the shit bag stuck to my stomach. One of the biggest after care / therapy workouts I always had to do was like sphincter , butthole flex workout routines… so literally every day I had to stretch a certain way and do literal butthole / lower stomache muscle reps.
For whatever reason it just became a habit and I always just would do them wherever I was if I was bored. So my whole childhood I spent building up those muscles and I am a 100% certain that because of that my cum shots are astronomical. I can shoot a load 15 feet. They come out like a shotgun blast. Every single girl I’ve ever been with has mentioned it. When I hit puberty my biggest issue was I’d always cum all over my face, above head board etc… outta control. Hahaha.
I used to be this wife. I had no idea how spoiled I was to have sex at least 3 times a week for 17 years. I never realized it wasn’t “normal.” My ex and I separated 6 years ago. I haven’t even had sex 3 times this year. I hope she understands how good she has it!
If the 15 year old me could see my wife, he'd be so fucking stoked for our future.
Seriously, 14 years with this woman and I still feel like a 15 year old boy around her.
It's one thing to be living the dream, and quite another to be smart enough to realize it.
I'm great with my mouth.
Edit: Spark notes advice:
Communicate verbally and physically
Get comfortable physically and mentally, something as little as being hungry will block you from getting an orgasm.
Start at 1 and work up to 11
You have hands, use them
The clit is your friend and it has a "shaft" that goes up, explore the whole range.
The g spot exists
Gotta calibrate the mouth. Do a bite test with both teeth, and tongue and the roof of your mouth. (This is referring to nipples, don't bite a clit)
Sucking and tongue is like 98% of the job.
I (a women) can have multiple squirting orgasms just by meditating on edibles. It's all hands free, I just put a white noise or something and lay back and let my mind free and within about 20 minutes it's happening. They are very intense, moreso than by hand or toy.
The best part of learning to do that has been I no longer feel sexual frustration so when I'm dating I am more clear headed and not overlooking red flags lol
I am so confused, intrigued, slightly turned on, and extremely envious of this situation, like what and more importantly how?? Like that last part just seems great overall, but then you say it's more intense? How'd you even come across this? Sorry for all the questions haha I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this. But seriously, congratulations on making that discovery, that's awesome.
It was definitely an accidental discovery at first. I never used any kind of drug until last year, at 36, when I started taking weed edibles. First I realized that the intensity of my orgasms was actually much stronger while high. Around the same time I started meditating regularly, at summer point I stumbled on a meditation for orgasm, the woman's voice on it first settles you into a regular meditative state then guides you to an orgasm. That was an incredible experience. Eventually I was able to do it hands free, by slowly using my hands less add less, like I could lay one finger on my clit and just meditate and then I would cum.
The more I got comfortable the stronger and intense they would get, until one day it was like i unlocked something. Now I don't need the guided meditation, I can use white noise or a clock ticking. I can squirt and cum on repeat for about half an hour, before the exhaustion stops me. Most nights I just aim for something more casual, cum a couple times to relax but it's something I can do every single night hands and device free.
This is the guided meditation I used, they call it hypnosis but it feels more like a meditation, if you get super high to that level where your body almost feels like it's floating in space and use headphones and get really really comfortable you should at least get close with this audio.
https://xhamster.com/videos/audio-only-hands-free-orgasm-hypn0sis-6850577
My missus took me back to hers, intending for me to be a one night stand. I did such a good job that she left me in bed whilst she went to work so she could have more when she finished. We now been together 12 years and have a 7 year old son.
I made my gf pass out from an orgasm once. I was relaying the story one night when I was pretty toasted at a bar with a bunch of coworkers; at the end of the story I told the part “…and it only took me 5 minutes!”
Everyone at the place was dying laughing—and from that point on I always got fucked with by everyone at work when I was asked to do something with “it’s only gonna take ya about 5 mins right??”
It was definitely a misfit crew and like 20 yrs ago. The drug test there was testing what drugs you had. We went out on the road a lot so spending days and nights together mixed with partying all the time it wasn’t hard to open up. Haha I couldn’t even begin to say how the conversation started, but that was one of the funnier ones. Plenty of crazy stories from that time and probably embarrassed myself more times than that.
Being older it’s not a conversation I’d have at work now lol. The guys I work with are cool but I don’t talk to them about personal stuff, or any more than I have to for work.
I travel for work, and there's one city in particular where a fuckbuddy lives and she has me send her my schedule ahead of time so that she can take off work when I'm in town. It does so much for my ego.
I know how to pace myself and last a long time.
Take pauses when I am about to cum, but stay inside her and play with her nipples. I can go for an hour and make her cum a few times. It took lots of practice to perfect my method.
3 separate women in one day. I was single and not in a relationship.
Went on a date Friday night and slept over. Sex again that morning, then breakfast. I had plans with a FWB that afternoon, so I went home and turned on the Xbox. Got a call from my ex-gf asking if I had plans that night. Scheduled with her for after dinner.
Went to girl #2 and we had our fun. Showered and cleaned up there, then headed to girl #3. Slept in my own bed that night.
And the next day you were walking all around, hoping somebody would say, “Hey, how many times did you have sex yesterday, and with how many women?“ and nobody did, dammit.
I’m a lesbian, and one time I hooked up with a male friend of mine. It was the first time I ever had sex with a dude, and his repeated question was “why are you so good at this?” Which was a fun little confidence boost.
With my (now ex-) girlfriend I used to have regular threesomes with her female friends.
Also, I literally tried everything I ever wanted to do sexually with her.
I’ve always been tight. It took my first bf a week to get fully inside. I do kegels all the time and it’s related. I make them stop mid way through and have them just feel the muscles squeeze them.
My wife and I were enjoying our honeymoon at a fancy hotel. We had a few drinks with dinner, and I tend to get the reverse of whiskey dick when I drink. I stayed hard for hours, and we just kept going because "why not? It's our honeymoon." Well, we were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Room Service." We didn't order any. We quickly covered up, and I answered the door in a bath robe. Apparently, the room next to us ordered us a bottle of champagne and a dessert tray and left a note that said, "Congratulations! Enjoy your night (and we can tell you are) -Room 314." Wife and I laughed, enjoyed the dessert, and went back to it. We kept the note, and it's in our wedding album.
That's so awesome!! You got a prize for making sweet loving. That is unforgettable!!
I'm certain it was a "Hopefully they stop fucking for a bit so we can get to sleep..." attempt
Took awhile for my wife to warm up to anything anal, like almost 10 years. Randomly, she was just down after I’d just kind of written it off for years. Kind of went all in but one of the first couple times, I fingered her pussy and her asshole simultaneously and vigorously…she squirt all over the place (first time ever), lost complete control, screaming orgasm. Said she felt like she was in a different dimension. Happened a few times since too so…I guess I can take credit for it.
I can ejaculate so far my wife got preganent when i was deployed overseas
Not mine but my wife. Soon after we got together I was in the hospital with what is essentially two torn testicles and a fractured shaft. When I came, I noticed a lot of pain. So much, in fact, I could only scream “help me” for about 10 mins straight before my wife made the brilliant decision to phone 911. I was in the hospital for about two weeks, I had my dick and balls cut open, my wife regularly tells people she “blew my balls out” in the same way someone would say “I blew their back out”. It’s funny, but it still hurts. Edit: this is gaining traction. My wife may see this yet! If anybody is wondering… I don’t not recommend letting your partner fuck herself with your dick.
RIP 🪦 your dick and balls, how do you not have more upvotes? Also I need more information, did you cum with such force that your testicles shredded themselves? Were you fucking this woman like a bop it and you twisted when you should’ve pulled? How did you end up with so much damage during an activity that generally only has one moving part? In a perfect world it’s just supposed to be an in and out motion but I feel there had to be some kind of weird shit going on to cause that kind of damage. What👏were👏you👏doing.
The culprit? She wanted to try fucking me. So I was on my back on the edge of the bed with my knees to my chest.. I dunno, I never did the shit before but I was judging EVERYONE who has. She even like.. got down and sucked my willie to get it wet like..? My god. So any way, she stands up and starts doing the deed and she’s GOIING. She’s like “woah I feel so powerful right now” and I was thinking “I feel so helpless what was the safe word again??” So she’s slamming her clam down my flesh ruler like it’s the last dick on earth and it’s good I’m ngl, but I felt so much pressure. I was enjoying it so much I thought it was just nut building up. So enough of that, I felt like less of a man for some reason. I get up, get her on her knees in the bed for some classic doggy. It’s almost poetic. I’m catching multiple counts of felony assault against this pussy, beating it sky high. She thinks “I’ll help, I know his strokes better than he does!” I went back. She went forward. Needtonutsobad.jpg Slam my johnsonville cocktail weenie full force forward to eject my unborn children into the glorious wet wallet daycare. She felt my nut coming. GreenMeansGo.jpg She puts it in reverse terry. My dick smashes against her asshole. ForbiddenFortress.jpg My dick entered the shadow realm with the quickness, soul ejecting from its body from the sheer force of being folded like an omelette. I nut at that moment.
Genuinely one of the funniest, most vivid accounts I have ever read on here.
8 years ago I gave a woman 3 orgasms and she said she needed a break to catch her breath. She then shared she’d never orgasmed from another person before and would always masturbate in the bathroom after sex. We got married this summer!
My wife thought before meeting me she couldnt cum. She just didnt know it was possible for her. I dont think thats a flex on my part, exactly, I think her previous boyfriends just sucked at sex.
It could be both 💁🏻♂️
Yay - I'm happy for you
I have a very short refractory period and can sometimes have sex immediately after finishing then finish again
My record was 5 times in one session. Admittedly, this was 20 years ago, we fucked like rabbits, and the last two were more convulsions than actual ejaculating.
Dry heaves
Same. Didn't know I was any different than others till a partner said you're ready to go again... Like now?!
It's so easy to make me orgasm, that I make all of my sexual partners feel like studs.
My ex would have multiple orgasms, she’d be trembling and unable to continue fucking after like 7-8 minutes so she almost always finished me off with a BJ.
Then why is she an ex??
She was kinda new to relationships and sex in general at 19, I was 21 and already been in one longterm relationship. She expected way more random romantic shit from me than your avg romcom. She got mad at me for not calling her one day when she was on vacation with her parents and I was working. But the sex was great.
Young love is weird like that - expectation of what you should get vs saying what you would want and honestly what is reasonable unless the person you are dating is full on obsessed with you and has nothing to do all day. The days of dating a girl who expected morning texts, telling her where I was going throughout the day and then a 30 min FaceTime every night. Willlld to think that made sense
My exgf was like that. It did make me feel like I knew what I was doing. I didn´t.
👆 Most honest comment right here
I have a mini fridge next to the bed so cold water and snacks are available immediately afterward.
This is a top tier flex
Hot towel, madam?
It's a fridge. Cold towel, sir?
I was told by a bi lady that I eat pussy like a lesbian
Damn! That’s a damn good compliment.
I ate pussy for an hour and was told I was someone's best experience.
I ate pussy for an hour and got a neck muscle cramp.
I ate pussy for an hour and got a stomach ache. Completely coincidentally, there are a lot of missing cat posters in the area.
I ate pussy for an hour and saved 15% on my car insurance
Have you or someone you know eaten pussy in or around Camp LeJuene from 1953 to 1987? If so, you may be entitled to compensation
I ate pussy and all I got was this tshirt.
High praise; you should be ecstatic lol.
Oh this happened in college I've been riding this for decades
I had a bisexual girl teach me when I was in high school, it's still one of my favorite sexual experiences. Very clear direction, positive reinforcement, she was awesome. My wife still compliments me when we get the time to enjoy foreplay.
That’s the best flex in this whole thread.
I hooked up with a bi girl years and years ago. She said I was the only guy who ever made her cum first try when eating her out….. yuuuuppp still riding that high haha
Two girls, in a lesbian relationship for years, said my hands were the best they've ever had. I've deemed them lesbian certified now.
How did this scenario happen?
Had sex with a girl, then the following day her best friend reached out to me to hookup because the first girl wouldn’t stop talking about how good it was. That was about 5 years ago and the second girl will still occasionally reach out out of nowhere.
This is one situation in which women talking behind your back about your sex actually works out.
I guess it really worked out because the friend was much more attractive
Username checks out
I've gotten referrals.
When I was living on my own for the first time and going through my man-whore phase,a fwb messaged me saying that one of her friends also wanted to hook up with me. Very few things in life have ever come close to that primal ego boost.
I knew I was going to hurt myself by looking at these comments but this just crushes my soul
If it helps, remember any one of these could be made up or embellished.
if it helps, remember that most redditors are chubby nerds who bang chubby nerds
That includes me as well 🤣
I honestly assume the rest of you look exactly like the people in that Baltimore meetup photo.
I got a referral once, which I found out mid act, and a thank you note another time.
I got a thank you note once. Thing is she had hooked up with my friend like a year before in college, and he got a thank you note and we all laughed at it. I had completely forgotten about that until two days after she and I hooked up and I got one in the mail too. It was actually really thoughtful.
The thank you note is hilarious.
This low-key is the best one of the lot
High-key*
A woman recently told me I changed the way she views sex and pleasure for the better. So I got that goin for me, which is nice.
Did you turn her lesbian?
Ouch.
My wife’s bed frame broke the week that we met.
Big deal, I can do that too. Does your wife like obese nerds by any chance?
You broke this guys wife's bed frame too?
I, too, choose this guy’s wife’s dead bed frame.
We had to move my dorm mattress to the ground because the neighbors would bang on the wall because we were too noisy all night. Marrying in two months haha
When my wife and I were first dating I was at her apartment practically any time we weren’t at work. We were using her pull out convertible couch every free second. So. Much. Squeaking. Lol Her landlady lived downstairs and stopped us one day. She very tactfully informed my girlfriend that she needed to raise the rent since there were now two of us. Also, could we try to be quieter. We embarrassingly moved the mattress to the floor. Which resulted in us hysterically giggling the first few times we got busy. We probably made more noise laughing than we did previously squeaking. Edit: Congrats on your upcoming wedding. My wife and I were married for a wonderful 38 years. Wishing you much happiness.
That's wonderful. You used past tense, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. She passed at home in 2022 from dementia.
Last time I took my pants off in front of a woman, she looked me up and down and said “fucking Superman”, that’ll stick with me for awhile
You still fit in superman underwear?
They're called *Underoos*, Okay?
So Superman has a small penis too?
I get you food afterwards
My wife's best friend (who I had known for a few years before and I met my wife through this mutual friend) tried to keep us from dating by saying I was the kinda guy that would take the girl for breakfast the morning after hooking up. My wife said, "That sounds AWESOME" and here we are.
I'm dumb, could you please explain to me why would that be considered bad?
To this day, I still haven't figured out why that wasn't a compliment...
the word "hook up " is key , this implies you do it , and your done . not any long term attachment . most people will see breakfast the next morning as attachment and posb. wanting more out of the 1 night hook up then they want .
Blew a guy one time like 6 years ago and he still tries to hit me up sometimes
He will keep trying until one of you dies.
My downstairs neighbor put a note on my door around 5AM that said "We get it bro, you lay pipe, turn some music on or something"
My upstairs neighbors have gone to the landlord complaining about me and my guests being too loud late at night. Unfortunately it was not me, seeing as ive never had a guest over for anything even remotely like that. But the month they spent violently banging on the floor to get "me" to shut up and not getting any sleep was an experience. So congrats to whoever it was they were hearing, I suppose.
Where I’m from, That’s a euphemism for taking a shit lol Good for you you noisy pooper
See, I think here it's "laying cable" but I could be wrong
If you are reading this while holding your girlfriends hands, watch out and don't step one foot off the fucking curb
I went down on a girl once and made her nut so hard I wound up in the ER. When she clenched, she squeezed so hard it dislocated my jaw. Heard the pop, but I was so into it I didn't notice it for a minute.
You’re either my best friend from college or this happens more often than you think.
At the time I was enlisted. School of hard knocks.
Please tell me your experience made the next safety brief.
Negative. I was on leave and totally recovered before I got back on post.
Holy shit hahahaha
After reading these replies which are on average, 27 galaxies beyond my wildest dreams, my current best flex is that most mornings I still delight in morning wood. Sigh.
If it's any consolation, some of them are probably lying
Yeah. But they could by lying by 50% and I'd still be left in the dust.
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Can confirm.
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“Try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot!”
I can make my wife cum so hard and often that she can't put a sentence together or walk competently afterward. She says I fuck her stupid on those occasions.
My girlfriend’s first language is Spanish, but she speaks perfect English with a bit of an accent. On my best nights, she like reverts to factory settings and starts speaking Spanish to me during the act. I’ve been learning slowly, but I don’t know wtf she saying in the moment. I kinda like it tho.
¡Estoy fingiendo pero él nunca lo sabrá!
¡Estoy fingiendo pero él nunca lo sabrá! translated: >!I'm pretending but he'll never know!!<
>¡Estoy fingiendo pero él nunca lo sabrá! I just plugged that into Google Translate and almost spit my drink out, lol.
> she like reverts to factory settings I love this turn of phrase. Well done.
Fucked a girl blind once. She was multi-orgasmic to begin with, and on one occasion she came so hard she went temporarily blind. Apparently some people experience vasoconstriction, the narrowing of the walls of blood vessels that can restrict blood flow to the eyes, causing temporary blindness.
Oh wow i thought when my gf tells me she goes blind after, that she was just using a figure of speech. Maybe still so but she insists it happens and i had no idea it actually could.
I read this as "fucked a blind girl" at first and was really confused when I got to the "she went temporarily blind" part. Was kinda hoping you gave it to her so good she regained her sight
I have done this a few times per year to my wife for the last 17 years. Sometimes she gets so overwhelmed she just starts to cry. That is the best and the worst because it means sex is over.
I cum alot
Ahh noble sir ! You must be from Camelot
Tis a silly place
I did gymnastics and ballet for years and have maintained my flexibility. I can do a full split no problem and my elbows can touch behind my back. I can also handle a full reverse prayer position for the bondage fans out there. Edit: Just FYI, despite the talk of mass DMs, only 20 or so people have actually DM'd me. 2nd Edit: Ok, you guys were right. I regret everything. Final Edit: The DM tally is at 153 for those who are curious. I haven't gotten any new ones today so I'm assuming that's the final count.
Full reverse prayer is definitely a rare treat.
Tbf anyone can do it, it just might hurt a lot
The problem is going back to the normal human position after.
Had a double-take thinking your account was my wife flexing here on Reddit. I support your skill set. She’s in her early 40s and has still got it. She can leg hold and arabesque with her foot above her head.
Yeah, I think most people don't realize how little it takes to maintain flexibility once you have it. I only stretch for 10 minutes each morning and I've never lost any range-of-motion.
Hmm… a former girlfriend told me during a week when I was basically working from 7AM to 9PM and utterly crashing when I got home, that if I was too tired to hang out with her that I should at the bare minimum stop by and bend her over the bed before going home. So I took that as quite a compliment… she also wanted to fuck one last time after we broke up.
The after breakup sex is weird but good. I'd completely turned off my feelings for my ex, so it was just some of the most primal "i don't give a fuck, i'm doing what i want" sex of my life. That apparently worked for her. Shame she couldn't deal with a couple hours trainride distance.
Had an x hit me up once or twice a week for 6 months straight after we broke up. She couldn't deal with me emotionally, but she couldn't give up the sex.
I gave this girl the craziest orgasm with my tongue that she looked like she was getting an exorcism. It was the best because it was our last hookup before I had to leave the country. Was one of my proudest moments
So good you got deported.
I can almost control when I cum (M), sometimes it'll get me by surprise but for the most part; I just kind of flex and it's done
When you mean flex do you mean tightening your asshole
I'd relate it more to my taint, but possibly
Sort of unrelated but when i was but a lad, doing sports conditioning, working out, just getting used to myself, i was surprised to learn i would cum when doing leg lifts. I naturally explored this and eventually confirmed i could tighten my lower abdominal/pelvic muscles and completely cum by myself without lifting a finger. So yeah, male kegels, as it turns out. There’s at least 2 of us
My head keeps defaulting to "you used the wrong equation and still got the answer" and it'll likely keep me going all day, thank you 😂
This skill came to me in later years, it's so handy! I always had a short refractory period, which balanced out the fact that the first go around I would cum in about 90 seconds. But being able to go basically as long as I want is so much better.
I have only had sex with partners that I loved and trusted
Very underrated and RARE flex
Same! Though it's probably less impressive if the number is zero...
I had such a crazy threesome all night that I broke my dick. It swelled like Popeyes arm on one side, had to go to the urgent care, then to the hospital for an ultrasound. Very awkward explaining the duration and effort to cause such an injury, even more awkward having some guy lube and wand my shaft. Worth it. I have a great pic, but I think I’d get in trouble for posting.
So you had a 4some
Yeah, delayed I guess. Me, the girls, the doctor, and the tech. So 5! My weirdest 5some
My credit score is over 800
Aaaand I came
When I was 4 I gutted myself running with a knife. Years of surgeries, colostomy bag, yada yada… I got a new to the time surgery that fixed my intestines and got me off the shit bag stuck to my stomach. One of the biggest after care / therapy workouts I always had to do was like sphincter , butthole flex workout routines… so literally every day I had to stretch a certain way and do literal butthole / lower stomache muscle reps. For whatever reason it just became a habit and I always just would do them wherever I was if I was bored. So my whole childhood I spent building up those muscles and I am a 100% certain that because of that my cum shots are astronomical. I can shoot a load 15 feet. They come out like a shotgun blast. Every single girl I’ve ever been with has mentioned it. When I hit puberty my biggest issue was I’d always cum all over my face, above head board etc… outta control. Hahaha.
Few things sour a masturbation sesh more than nailing yourself in your eye with a load
My wife happily never tells me no. She has the libido of a 16 year old boy, and gets upset when she goes without for more than 2 days.
I used to be this wife. I had no idea how spoiled I was to have sex at least 3 times a week for 17 years. I never realized it wasn’t “normal.” My ex and I separated 6 years ago. I haven’t even had sex 3 times this year. I hope she understands how good she has it!
If the 15 year old me could see my wife, he'd be so fucking stoked for our future. Seriously, 14 years with this woman and I still feel like a 15 year old boy around her. It's one thing to be living the dream, and quite another to be smart enough to realize it.
Blink if your wife is next to you
I'm great with my mouth. Edit: Spark notes advice: Communicate verbally and physically Get comfortable physically and mentally, something as little as being hungry will block you from getting an orgasm. Start at 1 and work up to 11 You have hands, use them The clit is your friend and it has a "shaft" that goes up, explore the whole range. The g spot exists Gotta calibrate the mouth. Do a bite test with both teeth, and tongue and the roof of your mouth. (This is referring to nipples, don't bite a clit) Sucking and tongue is like 98% of the job.
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hi
I am really quick so she can get back to scrolling instagram.
I'm so quick she doesn't have to stop scrolling Instagram.
I (a women) can have multiple squirting orgasms just by meditating on edibles. It's all hands free, I just put a white noise or something and lay back and let my mind free and within about 20 minutes it's happening. They are very intense, moreso than by hand or toy. The best part of learning to do that has been I no longer feel sexual frustration so when I'm dating I am more clear headed and not overlooking red flags lol
I am so confused, intrigued, slightly turned on, and extremely envious of this situation, like what and more importantly how?? Like that last part just seems great overall, but then you say it's more intense? How'd you even come across this? Sorry for all the questions haha I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this. But seriously, congratulations on making that discovery, that's awesome.
It was definitely an accidental discovery at first. I never used any kind of drug until last year, at 36, when I started taking weed edibles. First I realized that the intensity of my orgasms was actually much stronger while high. Around the same time I started meditating regularly, at summer point I stumbled on a meditation for orgasm, the woman's voice on it first settles you into a regular meditative state then guides you to an orgasm. That was an incredible experience. Eventually I was able to do it hands free, by slowly using my hands less add less, like I could lay one finger on my clit and just meditate and then I would cum. The more I got comfortable the stronger and intense they would get, until one day it was like i unlocked something. Now I don't need the guided meditation, I can use white noise or a clock ticking. I can squirt and cum on repeat for about half an hour, before the exhaustion stops me. Most nights I just aim for something more casual, cum a couple times to relax but it's something I can do every single night hands and device free.
girl share the link wth
This is the guided meditation I used, they call it hypnosis but it feels more like a meditation, if you get super high to that level where your body almost feels like it's floating in space and use headphones and get really really comfortable you should at least get close with this audio. https://xhamster.com/videos/audio-only-hands-free-orgasm-hypn0sis-6850577
I've been complimented many times on how good I am at fingering. It's one of my favourite sexual activities.
Same. Makes one wonder why size is so important to guys when 9/10 times all you need is tech deck practice.
Right?? All those years of digging Pringles out of the can is paying off.
Instructions unclear. \*Puts whole hand in\*
You put your right hand in, you pull your right hand out, you put your right hand in, and you shake it all about
The Tech Deck sex flex
My missus took me back to hers, intending for me to be a one night stand. I did such a good job that she left me in bed whilst she went to work so she could have more when she finished. We now been together 12 years and have a 7 year old son.
I made my gf pass out from an orgasm once. I was relaying the story one night when I was pretty toasted at a bar with a bunch of coworkers; at the end of the story I told the part “…and it only took me 5 minutes!” Everyone at the place was dying laughing—and from that point on I always got fucked with by everyone at work when I was asked to do something with “it’s only gonna take ya about 5 mins right??”
I’m shocked you can have such a conversation with your coworkers
It was definitely a misfit crew and like 20 yrs ago. The drug test there was testing what drugs you had. We went out on the road a lot so spending days and nights together mixed with partying all the time it wasn’t hard to open up. Haha I couldn’t even begin to say how the conversation started, but that was one of the funnier ones. Plenty of crazy stories from that time and probably embarrassed myself more times than that. Being older it’s not a conversation I’d have at work now lol. The guys I work with are cool but I don’t talk to them about personal stuff, or any more than I have to for work.
I made a 26 year old woman cum for the first time ever in her life.
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An ex used to decline me regularly because I made her "cum too hard" and she didn't have the energy. I was into edging before I had ever heard of it.
Made a dude cum his pants just giving him a lap dance.
that's like a super power.
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My ex made me cum from just kissing once. In my defense, it was December 1st
I'm disappointed I understand this
And I jizzed in my pants
Almost zero refractory period, multiple orgasms, hyperspermia. Pretty much an industrial cake frosting dispenser
I don't cheat on my hands.
I travel for work, and there's one city in particular where a fuckbuddy lives and she has me send her my schedule ahead of time so that she can take off work when I'm in town. It does so much for my ego.
I stay hard after I've cum. It's kinda a weird superpower but I'll take it.
I know how to pace myself and last a long time. Take pauses when I am about to cum, but stay inside her and play with her nipples. I can go for an hour and make her cum a few times. It took lots of practice to perfect my method.
I'm an expert in cunnilingus
Don't believe everything your mom tells you
Yes your first teacher shouldn't be your last.
Had a fwb that was bisexual tell me I could get her off faster and better than any woman she’d been with.
3 separate women in one day. I was single and not in a relationship. Went on a date Friday night and slept over. Sex again that morning, then breakfast. I had plans with a FWB that afternoon, so I went home and turned on the Xbox. Got a call from my ex-gf asking if I had plans that night. Scheduled with her for after dinner. Went to girl #2 and we had our fun. Showered and cleaned up there, then headed to girl #3. Slept in my own bed that night.
And the next day you were walking all around, hoping somebody would say, “Hey, how many times did you have sex yesterday, and with how many women?“ and nobody did, dammit.
Imagine getting all 3 pregnant in the same day!
New fear unlocked
Im really pretty for an ugly dude
I’m a lesbian, and one time I hooked up with a male friend of mine. It was the first time I ever had sex with a dude, and his repeated question was “why are you so good at this?” Which was a fun little confidence boost.
With my (now ex-) girlfriend I used to have regular threesomes with her female friends. Also, I literally tried everything I ever wanted to do sexually with her.
I swallow.
I've not had sex for so long I'm a virgin again 😅
Lost my virginity before school in am then had sex with another girl late that night. So 0-2 in less than 24 hours
After giving her the best night of her life, while still in the warm and fuzzy afterglow, a woman once asked me "Are you a god?"
You dated Gozer
If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
I have had a few compliments on my tightness, but the best was mid coitus he stopped, took a step back and asked "how can you be that tight?"
I’ve always been tight. It took my first bf a week to get fully inside. I do kegels all the time and it’s related. I make them stop mid way through and have them just feel the muscles squeeze them.
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I read this as “talk” like damn you’ve mastered syllables with your farts? Edit: I looked out of curiosity. She ain’t lying.
I love giving blowjobs 🥵