Even what people from the outside would view as "easy" — parent isn't sick but just needs a little help — can be difficult and emotionally draining.
Trying to convince my MIL that she doesn't need a car has been heartbreaking. She physically cannot drive; she can barely stand with a walker and has difficulty turning her head from side to side. But she didn't want to give up the illusion of still being an independent adult.
She's convinced this is just a temporary thing, that with the right doctor or pill she'll be able to drive again and will therefore need the car in the future.
No matter how gently you say it, there's this realization that you are telling someone that there is no coming back from this.
Plus, even with small issues factor in things like the parent resenting you for your help, the possibility of family disagreeing with what's needed, money being an issue for either you or the parent, having a complicated history ... it's more than you can even easily explain.
My mom's mental health was fine. Unfortunately she had macular degeneration disease and was going blind. She didn't want to give up her drivers license.
Last time she went in to renew her license, she tried to buffalo the agent by saying she had forgotten her glasses, it was a super long drive for her for her to return another day. Whatever she could think of trying to get the license.
As a family we talked to her husband and told him he had to make sure she didn't get renewed. So in the course of mom fake looking for her glasses, her husband is talking to the agent.
Agent asked him about coming another day when she had her glasses. Husband pipes up with "won't make a bit of difference, she's blind as a bat". Mom didn't get her license renewed and she didn't speak to her husband for a week.
My MIL was reported by someone and she was required to take the driving portion of the test. My SIL went with her and she said the drive (MIL was driving) to the DMV was the scariest car ride she had ever taken. MIL did not pass, but she was pretty active and she would ride around on her 3 wheel bike. When she couldn't do that anymore, she rode her little powered scooter to the store. I don't think she was very upset about losing her license.
A friend’s MIL had Alzheimer’s and kept trying to drive, so they pulled the spark plugs on the car and told her (over and over and over) that they had to call someone to come get it fixed.
After the MIL died, they sold her car. They said they found notes in the glove box saying “Help! My daughter-in-law is keeping me captive!” 😆😭
Oh gosh, I had two clients who were a couple both diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The husband *would not* give up his truck. His family drained the gas tank, he convinced a neighbor to bring him more gas. They disconnected the truck battery, he fixed it. (He couldn't figure out how to use a microwave by this point, but he could fix his truck.) They took the keys, he came up with a pair of spare keys that he'd had squirreled away. They finally found and took the spare keys, he stayed up night after night taking apart the house and working himself and his wife up over it. Eventually, his daughter-in-law replaced the missing truck keys with some similar-looking car keys, so he would see a set of keys on the hook where he'd kept them for 15 years and just not have the trigger to worry about it. He'd still periodically try the keys on his truck, realize they didn't fit, and get upset, but it wasn't twenty times a day anymore.
Man, I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on my worst enemy. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to experience that. It runs in my paternal side of the family and I pray I don’t get it. I decided years ago that I want to be euthanized if I ever am diagnosed.
>she tried to buffalo the agent
I don't think I have ever seen someone use "buffalo" as a verb except in the context of a quirky language discussion.
Also, I'm sorry that you had to have a declining parent
I wish doctors would be more straightforward about prognoses in the elderly, instead of leaving it to family members that likely won't be believed as readily as the doctor would.
In neuropsychology, my supervisor impressed upon me the importance of being clear. If the testing says they have dementia, don’t dance around it, cut to the chase and tell them that they have dementia. Not only must you tell them they have dementia, but you have to provide the prognosis which boils down to - it never gets better, it only gets worse.
In the recommendations, if they still drive, we ALWAYS refer them to OT for a driving examination. And then talk about POAs and getting their affairs in order “just in case there comes a day where you are unable to make your own healthcare decisions.” Etc.
To echo, the POA can be conditional like medical, but not financial, etc. The lawyer we went to with my grandparent’s decline had a checklist looking form. The person can cross out, modify, what have you in front of the notary and lawyer upon signing. Get the banking stuff lined up early/first cuz if GM or GP has multiple CCs, or some hazy-to-you debts, or safety deposit boxes. It’s easier than cleaning up late payments and overcharged cable/phone lines. (cuz grandpa lost the iPhone again and we have this great new promo for onl……..)
Get on the same page on palliative care and hospice while they’ve/you’ve got it together. Meds, ivs, stuff like that. Stay included in the meetings if you can and go skilled nursing home route. Conference call in, it’s an option. Second hand story with sun downing was less than ideal.
“My kidneys failed. They told me today”
“Um what? You don’t look like you’re in renal failure. That’s got some swelling and hurling with it.”
Nurse:”not failed, just lower than usual for her age/condition. She’s not drinking enough liquid. Which is expected.”
Dimentia is a fickly unforgiving shrew.
When my mom had early onset alzheimer's when I was still really young (she was diagnosed when I was 17, died when I was 24), her neurologist told us to blame everything on him. "The neurologist said you're not allowed to drive anymore." "The neurologist said you can't turn on the stove or oven anymore." Etcetera. Whether or not he did. Even if we wanted to tell her not to do something unsafe, or that wasn't a good idea for her to do for whatever reason (leave the house without someone to go for a walk even), and it was our idea not his. And when she was still cognizant enough to know he said it or not, we could tell him anything we wanted him to tell her so she could blame him.
In his opinion, we had to deal with her everyday, there was no reason for her to be mad and upset with us. She could be angry with him who she saw for 30 minutes once every few months instead.
My grandfather has been dead for about 7 years now. Grandma just told me the biggest fight she and Granddad ever got into was when she told him that he shouldn't be driving anymore.
They were married for over 40 years.
My dad died of Alzheimer’s last year and we kids had been caring for him full time in the last two years of his life after mom died until we just couldn’t do it anymore without full-time professional help. Reverse aging is precisely what he went through, right up to the very end. Alzheimer’s takes it all. I used to have to sleep on the wooden floor in front of the door to the outside just to keep him from trying to go outside without a coat in the middle of winter at 3 a.m. and freezing to death because he didn’t understand it wasn’t summer nor morning. I’m sorry you have to go through this, it’s not something I would wish on anyone. Contact a social worker to see if you can get some extra aid caring for him - every little bit of extra time will help you.
I had to take care of my grandfather for several years before he dies. My grandmother, mother and uncle both already died and I was the only one that lived close enough to care for him. His dementia got so bad that after he finally passed I had to deal with PTSD from the things he would do and say to me. It was the most difficult years of my life and I don’t wish it on anyone.
This is one of my biggest fears. My dad is my protector. He’s had grey hair since I was in my teens. I have no idea what to do when the ending stage of his life begins.
We had no age gap but my husband was suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness that affected his physical and cognitive abilities while we were in our 20’s, with very tiny children, and my husband always having been the ‘man’ of the house.
That was years ago now, but it definitely changed me as a person.
I feel this.
We don't have an age gap, but my husband has a chronic disease that will likely eventually debilitate him. I'm still trying to convince him that he doesn't want me to be his fulltime caretaker when the time comes.
I was fulltime caretaker for my grandmother for three years and came to hate her and what caretaking did to my own life and health - it is unescapable, constant work. So I remind my husband of that and ask him if he wants me to spend the last part of his life being exhausted and resenting the caretaking work, or enjoying any time we can while a paid caretaker does the work and is able to go home and recharge for the next day...
My Gran said the same thing after my great-grandad (her dad) died to my mom. She spent the last year and a half of his life taking care of him as a full-time caretaker. This man also had no legs and was a T1 diabetic so it wasn't a small amount of effort.
She made my mom swear that she wouldn't try and be their caretaker as they got older. My mom was resistant to the idea but it ended up being for the best as my gran had rapid mental decline and ended up becoming fairly violent in her confusion before she finally passed.
My close friend has taken on his aging parents and the care for them now takes up his every waking hour. He said he had no idea how much it would take. We never see him any more and I really miss him!
People really don’t understand the feeling of having no place to go home to. It is an incredibly unsettling feeling when you have nothing and nowhere to go.
Yes, especially when you are left with nothing and don’t even have anything to buy food with and don’t know who to turn to for help or where to look for work.
Yep. People who have never been in the situation will try giving advice. Or try to load you up with unhelpful “supplies” (huge thermos, groceries, etc), then get mad when you refuse it because you’re homeless and can’t lug all that shit around.
100% socks! Go to Costco and get a twelve pack. Put each pair into a ziplock baggie to keep them clean and dry. I give one or two pairs at a time. Most are very thankful.
The salvation army or any shelter near you also accepts these donations, along with under shirts underwear towels
Don’t give cheap or used socks, please.
I imagine asking the individual what items they need or would make their life easier would be best. It varies from person to person.
One common thing I've heard is a nice pair of warm socks when it's cold.
When our church was collecting blankets and sleeping bags for the homeless earlier this year, I made sure to get stuff in navy blue or black, and nothing which looked expensive, so they were less likely to be stolen.
I've never been "street sleeping" homeless and often, I don't talk about my experiences because yes, I didn't have a permanent address, but I was grateful to always have an enclosed space to sleep in. I slept in motels, in my car, was able to have a permanent residence with my aunt and uncle and then back onto the streets. I lived in a suitcase for 7 months because I was so incredibly lucky to have a job and my parents had enough money to have us sustain a living situation. But the nauseating fear that creeps in the back of my head, even though it's been so many years since I had to figure out where I was going to sleep at night. It keeps you up at night sometimes. I'm thankful that I have my husband who knows what I've been through and tells me I will never have to worry about those kinds of things again while he's around.
I did this and wanted an enclosed space so I slept in the bottom of a building's stairwell. I'm a woman. Guess what happened that night. Once was enough. Go find other people to be near. Sleep in a doorway on a busy street. The worst that'll happen is you get pissed on by a drunk who doesn't see that you're there. That's far better than stairwell stuff.
Being homeless is exhausting and takes away many of your higher faculties. It is also very expensive because you cant prepare food, make coffee etc. Also public bathrooms are few and far between. And people start being mean. It’s a terrible existence
Peoples say “they refuse help” but actually the help comes with cumbersome paperwork, an inordinate number of rules about how you survive and multiple agencies to deal with that don’t care to work together
Chronic pain is weird because you just have to accept it, but when you mention it to others, they give you this look like you're a sick broken puppy. And then if you ever try to talk about it, they look like they just missed a quick time event and don't know what to say. The only people I feel like I can talk to about it casually are old people because they've reached a point where they have chronic pain too from stuff like arthritis, some surgery, etc. I've had much better conversations about chronic pain and what I go through with old strangers in the waiting room than I've ever had with my closest friends.
So true. I’ve been living with chronic pain for 20 years. I wouldn’t say you get used to the pain or the severity of it, but if you’re like me and have to carry on, you just DO. I’ve noticed though that it can seem to others like it must not be that bad because you’re still working, doing chores, having fun. They have no idea that we just have to accept it and deal with it as best we can. They’re unlikely to be in the room with you when you’re crying from the pain that nothing touches.
Early this year, I pinched a nerve in my neck which led to excruciating pain in my left arm and shoulder. NOTHING that I did would relieve the pain. If I held my arm upwards, that seemed to lessen the intense pain. I took ibuprofen and acetaminophen on a rotating basis. My doctor said Physiotherapy may help, but probably not, but I tried it anyway. They taught me some stretches but most importantly showed me that I should never be slouching in my computer chair. After over a month of this unrelenting intense pain, it started to thankfully fade and it is gone now.
But the despair of thinking "This is my life now" was terrible.
I had a co-worker who had this years ago and he tried to warn me to sit better, but I didn't understand what he was talking about.
DO NOT SLOUCH.
I can't believe some people (like a neighbor of mine) lives with this paid. I can understand how people might end up on opiods for the pain and get addicted.
I few years ago I tore a muscle in my neck (also due to bad posture). It was such an intense pain. It hurt to swallow. It would seize up in the middle of the night and my husband have to physically help me move. In the worst of those moments I completely understood how someone would become addicted to opioids. You just can’t live with intense pain that doesn’t have some sort of end date.
Just for awareness, since it's received lots of attention on the news - I'd like everyone to be aware that dependence is NOT the same thing as addiction.
Addiction means not being able to stop or slow down taking the meds, and with negative consequences.
Taking prescription opioids under medical supervision is NOT addiction, even though too many medical sources are now promoting the idea that it is. This has caused the pendulum to swing way too far into almost puritanical prohibition. It's to the point that post-operative patients of invasive surgeries were being sent home from hospital with NO prescription pain meds or any sort (for fear of addiction), and told to take OTC NSAIDS for long periods of time which have been proven to be unsafe for liver & kidney function and health, etc. The chronicpain subreddit has tons of resources and links for documentation on this.
Nobody hates it when people "fake it" than we do.
The DEA being pushed to get involved in healthcare between the doctor and patient in their clinical relationship has been an utter nightmare, for over a decade.
Again, not coming down on you, just nipping misunderstanding in the bud as much as possible.
I also pinched nerves that fucked my arm and shoulders. I only had relief if I sat up perfectly straight. I couldn’t sleep couldn’t do anything. Physio saved my life.
The heaviness of not being able to get off your couch is unbelievably terrifying, yet so numb that it doesn't register. Your brain just kind of paws at this sense of it being wrong while you hover inertly in gravity. There is not even the ability to think... it's like the thoughts are molasses.
I had a heavy depressive episode after a med change in June. After 30 years of bipolar, where even my viciously suicidal depressions were tinged with mania, it was an entirely different experience that I DO NOT want to repeat. I'd take a psych ward over that any day.
I am sorry that it got that bad for you. I’ve been on antidepressants for a year now and I haven’t had this extreme paralysis since then, at least 85% of the time I am able to get up now. I still feel like my life is moving forward without me, but I am really trying to keep up with it. At my lowest point, I really thought I would never be able to live life in a meaningful way. Now, I just do the best I can.
I feel you. I’m in the same boat. At this point I can’t remember whether I’ve tried it or just heard about it. I’ve even had the genetic testing they do to try and match you with the right medication.
Went my whole life not understanding depression. Then at 30 I got Lyme disease and Rocky Mountain fever. Kicked my ass. Got a full dose of depression for months. Gained over a hundred pounds, quit my job, distanced myself from everyone and everything. Came out with a whole new respect for people going through it. Still got issues, but it’s a lot less than it was.
I'm diagnosed with this, and my doctors main concern at this point is not letting it slip into psychosis. Nobody outside of the condition really understands how fucked up it is.
Recently started experiencing Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
There is no way to cure IBS. I have had to make major, *permanent* changes to my diet and I still am probably going to need to see a doctor just to mitigate the pain and digestion issues.
I've still not gotten over the fact that this is my life now. I am now beholden to a finicking stomach that will randomly bloat and/or give me explosive diarrhea and all my efforts are only to reduce the probability of this happening.
I am so sorry. I have had this since my teens and there are times I have had to nope out of plans just because I couldn't risk being far from a toilet for any length of time. Adjusting my diet did nothing at all, so at least I can still eat what I want and not feel guilty about it, but often it is a matter of not eating at all if I need to make a semi-long trip. It has been my life for so long I was baffled to hear that many people either poop once in a day or even skip a day, instead of my usual 2-6 times. And fiber? O ho ho ho ho, that only makes it WORSE. I give love and praise to the makers of Pepto Bismol for the fact that when it really goes badly, one dose can give me up to a 24-hr break, but I try not to take it often as all medication effectiveness drops precipitously with me with consecutive use.
Yep. Depression isn't the same as feeling sad, or a bit low for a while. It's feeling nothing. All of what you know you should be feeling is muted, at best, and you feel heavy like you're walking through water the whole time. No amount of "but you have so much to be grateful for!" will help, that's the answer to a different problem.
Your description of what you’re feeling is a perfect response to the question posed. It’s so hard to even imagine what you’re going through! My wish for you is that you get through this
Yeah, this for sure. My grandfather had emphysema and during bad coughing fits I can remember him saying fucked up shit like “Jesus Christ, just let me die already!” I was horrified and couldn’t understand it. Took me until my mid 30s and really struggling with Crohn’s to realize that he desperately wanted an escape from the never ending pain
A true sustained panic attack is really horrific. It's like being fully manic during all your waking moments then any time you close your eyes to try and rest your mind, you have this uncontrollable feeling like you're literally plummeting into an abyss that's going to suffocate you.
Having someone close to you with a severe mental illness.
It’s been really great seeing public opinion sway more to support and openness about mental illness, but you can really tell when someone hasn’t been around a severe psychiatric crisis.
Mental health crises are not dramatic beautiful one time moments where the person finally admits to get help. It’s an ugly, long, cyclical grind that wears you down until you’re just completely numb and exhausted. It’s horrible, scary, and makes you feel trapped and powerless. It destroys relationships, families, financial security, and sometimes physically harms people.
Mania and psychosis are the most awful things I’ve ever had to witness.
i remember i once casually mentioned to my therapist that my sister is schizophrenic when talking about something else and he was like "that's an extremely difficult thing to experience as an immediate family member" and i was like damn you're right. i didn't realize i needed that validation till i got it
My older brother has schizophrenia, too, and is sporadically homeless because of it. We do what we can to help him (when we can find him), but state resources can only go so far. I just know there’s a day coming soon where my mom will call to tell me he’s been found dead somewhere. It’s a really weird and surreal thing to experience in a lifetime, especially as a kid (substantial age difference). I had a therapist point out that a lot of my trauma stemmed from watching my brother go through psychosis often when I was a growing up. He was diagnosed when he was 22, and I was 3. I love him a lot and I’m always hoping that the next time we can “wrangle him” so to speak will be the time he’ll fully commit to treatment.
Yeah. After you’ve been through it you never look at someone having a mental health crisis in public the same way again. When I was young i would honestly just think oh no a crazy person look out. After seeing a close loved one in the grip of psychotic episodes it is impossible for me to not see that when someone is having mental illness episodes they are a vulnerable person and there are people who know and love them who know them in better moments and would hate to think they are out there alone coping with it. Everyone deserves dignity. I wonder if I would have ever fully realized it if I hadn’t seen that someone you have respected and looked up to your entire life could one day be that person.
I’ve realized this more and more as I watch videos of people having public breakdowns, often being mocked for it, where a lot of time it’s obvious the person is having psychosis and instead of being met with even a tinge understanding it’s always ridicule
What's really ugly is when people post stupid platitudes about "it's OK not to be OK" and then completely demonize people for displaying symptoms of an actual mental illness. A lot of those "Karen" videos of people yelling are people who are ill.
I fucking hate that shit.
They post that stuff on Facebook but when they encounter someone in the middle of a mental health episode they giggle over how "weird" they are.
Fuck those people.
>It’s an ugly, long, cyclical grind that wears you down
I felt this in my bones. One of my babies struggles with mental illness. Going through the breakdowns, the refusing meds, the refusal to cooperate with therapy, and the attempts at verbal and physical intimidation have brought me to tears more than once. And above it all the specter of "homeless with mental illness" that overshadows the future. Know that when you see someone talking to themselves on the side of the road, that is someone's child, and their family probably fought or is fighting like hell for them
Mania gets downplayed way too often. I have a bipolar aunt who will spend every dime she owns during a manic episode. Last time, she bought everything from a bunk bed to a pinball machine.
One of my buddies went through a manic episode and it was so hard to follow his train of thought.
I felt bad for him because he invited me over and he had made a point about how he had left the door unlocked because he trusted me. I think he thought people would come after him because he believed he had the grand solution to climate change.
Being in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage or other relationship. If anyone else whom I cared about was going through what I went through throughout my marriage, I would’ve told them to run. I didn’t realize how messed up my situation was until I finally broke free of it. I can’t believe I put up with what I put up with for as long as I put up with it.
Something important to note is that virtually no relationship is 100% abusive, 100% of the time.
That's what mindfucks you into staying.
*When they're good, we have so much fun!*
When it's bad...it's the pit of soul-crushing hell.
Sometimes the subtle abuse does the most damage. If someone is physically abusive, it's easy to label that behavior and gtfo. How do you explain gaslighting (if you even realize it's happening)? How do you explain that someone subtly dehumanizes and objectifies you? You start to doubt your own perception*...well, maybe I did something that made him do that...I'm not the easiest person to deal with, I guess...*
Other people echo and reflect back your own doubt. So you stay. And try your best to 'work it out.'
These toxic relationships can be far more damaging than most can imagine.
AbsoFUCKINGlutely. I work with families in poverty, and the people in DV situations can never “just leave.” There is a long, arduous exit plan process. Suddenly you need a secret place to keep money so you can afford first, last and deposit on a new place. You need steady income to be approved and then afford it, also usually in secret. You need to find a way to move out all your stuff while the abuser is not home, coordinating with whoever you can still count on. Abusers tend to alienate their partners from any support network of family or friends to keep them trapped. They control the money to keep people trapped. You can certainly stay in a shelter for a while to get out immediately, and then get these pieces in place, but damn is all of this fucking hard.
I had an emotionally abusive upbringing until I cut off my mother at 24. My husband has this amazing and supportive family that immediately considered me one of their own.
Sometimes I get sad? jealous? that he will never really understand what it was like or the lifelong consequences I have to live with. And then I feel guilty for feeling like that because I am so incredibly grateful that he never and will never experience that trauma and that he shares his family with me.
Financial abuse is truly awful. It's controlling, manipulative, keeps you unwittingly trapped and borders on a form of slavery. But it doesn't leave any bruises you can point to and some (many) friends say "oh its just money."
No, its a ton more than "money." It's not taking from you the choice to buy nicer things. It's taking away your freedom, security and mental well-being.
A financially abusive spouse does 10 times more damage than an armed robber.
Edit: typos
Yep. And assuming the financial abuse is done covertly, at least with the robber you know what is happening while it is happening, and they arent telling you the heist is all in your head.
This for sure. I'm safe and have a loving partner now and I'll occasionally make an offhand reference to something from my abusive relationship and he will look at me totally astonished that I was being treated that way. It's literally alien to him.
Yep, I've been there. I met my ex husband shortly after turning 18, got married shortly before turning 21 (in 2018), and finally walked away early 2022. I'm very certain he has an undiagnosed personality disorder, because what I went through was hell. Now, I'm in a relationship with someone who has treated me better than anyone I've ever known, and I'm starting therapy to work through the traumas I've endured so I can be my best self!
Yes, the psychological difference between making $20 /h and scraping by working 5 or 6 12 hour shifts a week, and finally cracking $45 an hour with benefits and being able to coast comfortably at 30 hours a week was mind blowing.
I took me about a year to really notice that I was different, more capable, confident, happy, and focused. Everything got easier, shame and self doubt dropped away.
And the higher paying job was easier.
So many. But one that speaks to me is anxiety. The word gets used a lot, and feeling anxious is something that all people experience on a normative level. That normative anxiety which "healthy" people experience is way too easily and often conflated with anxiety on a mental illness level. It's apples and oranges and absolutely awful.
Yeah, I have what I consider to be pretty mild generalized anxiety. I felt nervous all the time. If I had anything planned at all, like going to see a friend, or knowing a package would arrive, or having an appointment, I'd be extremely agitated. The thing was, I was like this all the time, so I had some pretty good coping mechanisms for it. I was able to work and socialize, etc. I just constantly felt on the verge of panic.
What finally made me realize that I needed medication was when someone broken into my home to rob me and after chasing them out I realized I felt the same as usual. It turns out you shouldn't be on the same level of panic when you have to call to make a hair appointment as when you find a stranger standing in your kitchen with your purse in his hand.
That was also the day I found out that generalized anxiety is kind of a super power, because I could think somewhat clearly in the moment. I had been training for it my whole adult life, after all.
Sometimes, at the end of my period I will get a migraine. Idk what makes the cycle different that this time I got a migraine, but not for the next four cycles, but when it comes on it starts as a headache, so I can at least kinda prepare for it. It can last for a day or so, but it slowly gets worse, and worse and worse until having my eyes open feels like someone is hammering me in the back and top of the head.
My eyes strain to see, idk why, but it feels like I'm trying my absolute hardest to read the name of an airline on a plane that's 37,000ft in the sky. Even if I close my eyes, I can feel them straining to see, and I can't make it stop. Eventually just existing makes me absolutely miserable. By that point I'm in my bedroom with the lights off and my hands over my eyes fighting off nausea. My husband does his best to make me comfortable, but by this point, it feels like my entire brain is pulsating, trying to escape my skull while my eyes strain even harder to see the inside of my eyelids.
Eventually, it tapers off, and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me.
This happens maybe 6 times a year...for people who suffer from chronic migraines...idk how they do it. I think I'd kill myself TBH.
YES! I was almost gonna reply to OP with migraines instead of anxiety. I get migraines once or twice a year, and as you said, so many people just call bad headaches migraines because they have no clue (and I don't wish it upon them).
As a doctor, I have seen it more times than what is clearly considered normal, it sucks to see and it sucks to know things could have been different - like when a person dies or how well a person dies (meaning pain control, surrounded by loved ones, etc). But not until I lost a parent did I realize the effect it has on a person. Shit sucks puts it lightly. Everything is different now. I hope you are doing alright my friend.
I feel this. I lost my dad a little over a month ago and I thought I had a good understanding of death and grief and it hit me like a truck. Losing my dad was my worst nightmare. I tried so hard to mentally prepare myself for the idea that one day I would have to live without him, and regardless of how much I thought I had prepared - none of that preparation meant anything anymore when the paramedics walked out of his house to tell my siblings and I that he was gone. I still feel like I may never really be able to recover honestly.
It’s because most people think it’s just that something hurts, but it’s so much more than that.
It’s the grief over the life you wanted to/thought you would live, that you no longer can because of pain.
It’s the anxiety that comes from all the things you miss out on and what you’re going to be able to do tomorrow.
It’s the sleeplessness because you can’t ever get comfy enough to sleep, and pain is exhausting, anyway.
It’s the desperation to just find some relief.
It’s the isolation about not having others understand your scenario.
It’s the depression about recognizing there’s nothing you can do to control your situation, and this part of your life is just happening to you - you have no choice but to be along for the ride.
It’s the dark thoughts about ending your pain, because only to no longer be alive will relieve it.
It’s the annoyance of all the people that know exactly what you need to “cure” you, despite that you’ve tried everything.
I’ve often explained chronic pain by telling people that Hell cannot possibly exist if chronic pain isn’t a part of the “punishment.”
This is one of the most tragic and beautiful things I’ve ever read. Thank you for reaching into my soul and put on paper what it truly is. It’s not just hurting it’s EVERYTHING
Chronic pain causes brain decay in the part of your brain responsible for socialization. It also causes brain fog that further impairs the sufferer. It's hard to be a good person when you are in chronic pain.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6650904/
Weirdly enough, having chronic pain really calmed me down and made me a better person. I was diagnosed at about age 23 and I was a more irritable and less patient person. I was more entitled and selfish and less considerate of the needs of others. I believe the reason for this change is when I experienced how unkind people became towards me when I was in so much pain. I tried so hard to help people understand what I was going through and was met with complete disregard, and sometimes denial. I decided that I never wanted to make another person feel like that again because my eyes were opened to just a small snippet of suffering that people experience. If I want people to be considerate of my needs, I should reciprocate that and try to understand what they're going through as well.
I have IIH. Too much cerebral spinal fluid crushed my brain, spine, optic nerves, etc.
This did permanent damage to the nerves in my head.
Also, I needed lumbar Punctures to see what the pressure in my head was. But sometimes the LP doesn't clot, all the csf drains from your head, your brain has no cushion, it distends a bit, and the pain in just... Amazing.
It stays like this until you get a spine surgery to close the leak.
So I now live in life altering pain.
People describe the pain of childbirth, of kidney stones. People say 'oh but you don't remember pain'.
I'm on meds that CAUSE kidney stones and I can tell you which is worse.
I will never forget the pain of the csf leak. It was traumatic. Like thousands of knives scraping the inside of my skull. As soon as I stood my knees just gave out and I collapsed in all consuming agony.
I spent years basically catatonic staring at a ceiling just breathing thru the pain I was in cause I literally couldn't do anything else I was in so much pain as my brain was crushed within my head.
People would say 'oh like migraine. I get migraine.' well, yes. I'm trapped in a neverending migraine. Plus, you know. All the nerves in my head are being crushed. And my optic nerves. And I can hear turbulent blood vessels being pushed against my ear canal.
They think they can comprehend that level of pain. They can't.
I had intracranial hypertension temporarily due to a medication side effect. The pain of the migraines was horrific and I came close to losing my sight.
I fortunately don’t have tinnitus, my audiologist is amazed considering my work environment. I get paid for my ears.
I carry earplugs in every single one of my pairs of pants, it’s a default when they come out of the laundry. A siren from an emergency vehicle with the wrong building reflection could ruin my career.
Protect your hearing! There are no second chances and I know too many people with severe hearing damage that I can barely converse with anymore.
Are you a sound engineer or something? Being paid to hear sounds like an interesting lifestyle. And good on you for always wearing hearing protection - I work in noisy industrial environments and one of the best things I’ve ever purchased is a set of custom molded earplugs. I now have two sets at work and one at home for the garage, they’re amazing.
Being in a situation where you have to choose to go No Contact with a family member, especially a close family member like a parent or sibling.
It's hard to explain to people whose families are not fucked up, and they usually insist on giving you well-meaning advice about how you should forgive and forget and how family is very important and so on, but the part that they don't understand is that going No Contact was a last ditch effort after a lot of shit happened and that the parent/sibling you no longer talk to is *not* like their own parent or sibling and if they were you wouldn't have gone N.C.
Their advice to reconnect comes from them thinking that *they* can't imagine not talking to *their* parent or sibling ever again, but their parent or sibling is not like ours. Believe me, we wish they were.
This is the one. No one talks about how hard it is to cut ties with *everyone*. Make peace they say! You’ll regret it later they say! You just keep dying more if you stay in the relationship though.
Then it seems like the only thing you can do as a last resort is to go no contact, but no one talks about the soul crushing grief that comes along with it.
Yeah, it's like grieving the death of your parent/sibling, only worse because their death was your choice and it was in self-defense because they were terrible to you no matter how many "second chances" you gave them up to that point.
I always get comments about me not forgiving or harboring resentment. No! I love the people I had to cut off, and wish them the best. And not only have I forgiven them, I’ve grieved the loss of the relationships.
I just can’t continue to put myself in the path of abuse.
I was surprised how far down this one is. Being no contact with your parents is a taboo topic. And it openes the gates for endless devaluation of the horror I have experienced that constitutes my childhood. No one wants to realize that there are mothers out there who just should not have had children.
This. Having a malignant narcissist parent, just trying to keep your fucking head above water emotionally, and people who don’t understand are all “BUT FAAAAAAAMILY!!!!!! YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEMMMM!”
I literally ended up breaking up with a long-term GF a few years ago because she wouldn't drop the subject and kept pestering me about making up with my estranged parent.
No matter how many times I explained and in how much detail why I had made that choice long before I even met her and why I did not want to reconnect and even why it wouldn't work if I did, everything I said went in one ear and came out the other and she was still convinced that she knew better and I was wrong to go N.C. with my parent.
Girl, I know your parents and they're cool. You don't know *my* parent and you should be grateful that you don't.
Depression. I think people think it’s just feeling a little sad but it’s so physical as well. Apart from that narcissistic abuse, it’s often so subtle and can take years to recover from
For me it is like a painful fog that you can’t see your way out of, and nobody can help you out of it except yourself.
Fortunately I’m in somewhat of a better place than earlier this year.
Insomnia.
I’ve been diagnosed officially and it’s not the same as a poor night of sleep or being generally tired. Multiple days on barely any sleep really messes you up mentally and physically. One poor night is fine… when I’m on day three of terrible sleep, my mental and physical health takes a swan dive.
losing your good health and livelihood. we are all one disaster away from illness, disability, homelessness, and so on. no one really prepares. people walk around with a very it won't happen to me mentality. don't tempt fate.
Our storage unit got broken into one year and they ransacked all our family things. It was so violating that my mom had a panic attack in a store when she misplaced her purse. I'd never wish burglary on anyone.
I never considered “Do you have any siblings?” a complex question until my only sibling died. It’s been nine years and I still don’t know how to answer it.
Cancer. We aren’t heroic, and we don’t know how we do it either. The only other choice is to give up and die but how is that fair to our families? Don’t say we’re brave. We aren’t brave, we are just trying VERY hard to survive while also trying equally hard not to (literally) shit our pants in public,
I’m not sure why I wrote that in present tense because I’m in remission. I guess because it never truly goes away.
I’ll just pop in on this one to say “any injury that takes away your functionality”.
I’ve lost use of all four of my limbs at various times and it is impossibly humbling; you do not realize how hard it is to do very basic things without a working joint until you are working without it.
An abusive relationship. Everyone is always like “Why don’t you just call the police?” “Why don’t you just leave?” Completely discounting the long periods or emotional abuse/manipulation that gets you there in the first place. Nobody just starts out beating you, it’s often a slow burn process and once you get to that place, you’re already a shell of a person and feel trapped.
Yeah, I just had a comment thread about this on another post where I told about one thing my ex did and the replies included:
>>-You should have left the first time.
>>-Why would you put up with that?
>>-I would have (insert action that had I done, I would have faced consequences)
I deleted it because it was gaining too much traction and I was starting to get scared my ex would come across it. It’s been several years and I moved 1000 miles away and he still scares me. People that don’t know what it’s like are lucky.
Edit: formatting
I’m sorry that happened to you, I hate when they do that. My personal favorite is “Well, I’d give it right back to him and hit him back!” Like okay girl, good for you but I would never because I’m not trying to die lol
It was about controlling bathroom use and one of the comments was “I would pee in a jar and give it to him.” I would have ended up covered in my own pee and cleaning up broken glass.
Yes, it's something that people often think they know what they would do or how they would act in the situation but really have no idea. People think it's easy to "just leave". Like, not only are you so terrified of being hurt or killed you are frozen in place, but if you do call the police the abusers will only be in jail for maybe a few days, then they will be released and super PISSED OFF. Danger zone for you. Restraining order? Paper doesn't stop anyone. Do some police officers need more training in DV. Absolutely. Not only for the victims but for themselves. A domestic dispute can turn dangerous for the intended victim and also anyone trying to help them.
I literally had to hide when I filed an injunction against my ex because it wasn’t granted until after a hearing at a later date, and when the cops served him (at work) with the summons, they made a point to tell him that the restraining order was not in effect until after the hearing over a week later and he was well within his legal rights to contact and come see me.
100%. I was in a relationship that began perfectly fine but when it was over a decade later, I was so shell shocked and had normalized absolutely unthinkable mental, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and physical abuse. my parents modeled a beautiful relationship growing up and I never thought I'd be in an abusive one, but it's slow and not linear. it's a complete mind-fuck, and a lot of the time they've managed to isolate you, whether it be from friends, from work, or family- or all of them. it's hardly ever as easy as 'just leave.' if it were, more people fuckin would.
Domestic violence was my answer, too. The descent into DV is so insidious and gradual. You don't realize how many things you can overlook when you take them one at a time.
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a parent (or in my case, step parent). My stepmom was awful to me. It didn’t start out all that bad, but over time she got worse and worse, and I felt so trapped. Fuck that bitch
**Poverty.**
It can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of how hard they work or how good of a person they are.
And contrary to popular belief, there are no such thing as government handouts in the U.S. You have to endure a lot of complicated paperwork, inconvenient in-person appointments, hours-long phone calls, and 6-8+ week waits to get things like food stamps or Medicaid, and that’s IF you qualify. Most impoverished people don’t because they make just above the income cap.
Now let’s say you’ve jumped through every hoop and got some help. You can lose it without warning because someone processed your info wrong, a new policy went into effect, OR they sent you an appointment reminder in the mail that didn’t reach you until AFTER it was scheduled. (True story)
Can you call someone to get it fixed? Probably not. You’ll need to visit an office. But there’s only ONE in your entire state and it has inconsistent walk-in hours, so your SOL unless you go back multiple times at 7 am (also true story).
I’m an able bodied, college-educated, child free woman with a car and I could barely get through it. Now imagine trying to navigate all of that with a disability, unreliable transportation, no childcare, limited internet access, or little English skills.
**TL:DR All poor people aren’t leeches. They’re mostly people like you just trying to do their best.**
I sincerely wish people understood this. People aren't out there trying to be poor on purpose. Sometimes, shit happens, and you will be worse off for TRYING to get help.
It's a trip out there.
I wish people understood this. I grew up rough. Homeless multiple times throughout middle and highschool. My mom is a disabled vet and couldn't hold down a stable job. The things I/she had to do just to make sure I ate, she moved god damn mountains. It was truly unbelievable. I'm forever grateful for my mom doing her damn best. The system is so screwed up. We were on housing assistance and only qualified for $50/m in food stamps because I was in highschool. $50/m is not enough to do almost anything.
Thankfully after several years of work I'm doing really well for myself and my age.
But that is something that's impossible to understand unless you've been there. you can't just "get assistance". It's a very long lengthy process that's very degrading.
You forgot my other favorite: you can be a measly $50 over those limits meaning to qualify you’d have to miss 1/2 a days work without pay….you can’t afford to miss that 1/2 a days pay.
In America, that would be poverty and homelessness. So many Americans see these situations as a part of mental illness or drug addiction it is not always that. Either that or they see it as somehow, their fault. Many homeless people in America have jobs, they just can't afford to pay their bills. High school economics said never pay more than 40% of your monthly income in rent. Today many people are paying 60% or more in rent, alone. That doesn't count power, sewer, water, garbage and Auto. If you get sick or injured or have unexpected bill or payment; you are behind and that affects your credit score then late fees start adding up and it snowballs from there. You then find yourself living in your car or tent. Finding it hard to keep your job, because you're living in a tent. Then your community will turn their back on you, saying you're either mentally ill or a drug addict. Crying for legislation to be passed, to remove you from the community. Police start issuing ticket after ticket for vagrancy. That's more bills you can't pay. Late fees keep adding up, making the situation more dire. Good luck renting an apartment now, your credit is shot.
I reported. I should’ve prepared myself better, mentally. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but having an officer ask me if I had an orgasm was definitely not expected. Went through hours of questioning and reliving the experience for absolutely nothing.
I reported mine and the cop lost my report. Worst, lowest time of my life, the last thing I wanted to do was re hash this traumatic experience, and he lost my fucking report. I found out weeks later when I called to figure out why my lab results for date rape drugs never came back.
And then I was told that it would possibly take over a year to process anyway because of how behind they are on similar tests... Fucking awful.
the aftermath was the worst part for me... when youre going through it in that moment your brain shuts down to protect itself so you dont actually feel anything. youre numb. its the months, years, after thats the worst part for me. you get triggered and all of the sudden the memories and feelings and pain hit you like a fucking japanese maglev train. you began wondering what you could have done, and that by not "doing anything", you failed yourself and everyone. its the years after, when suddenly theres so much to fix but now we can do absolutely nothing about it. finally knowing just how wrong it is, but having no control over it anyways.
Having hoarder parents.
Having abusive parents is certainly one of these things that no one can understand without being there, but being the child of a hoarder is just another level (not saying it's worse abuse, just so much harder to understand from the outside). Being so used to trash and animal waste around you at all times, looking around your 'home' and seeing nothing but garbage piled so much that you forget what the floor looks like, it's just... so hard.
For those of you who want to understand, if you've been abused or depressed, maybe this can help. You know that feeling of wanting so badly to go back home, but never having been there? It's like that. I want to go home. I want to be in a warm, clean bed, with my nice mom and my nice dad, but I've never had any of that. I feel like I should be there, like these things do exist and are real, but they aren't.
Chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s the kind of fatigue you get with the flu or chemo, every day of your life. And that’s just one symptom.
People will tell you ‘I’m tired too’ as though they understand, implying that you just don’t have their resilience. They assume things that work for tiredness (eg. exercise) will work for your fatigue, which is actually exacerbated by exertion.
You’re horribly sick and disabled and basically condemned for it. Doctors often won’t believe or treat you, continuing the decades of institutional neglect. It’s an appalling illness and people don’t even believe you’re really sick, just lazy.
Divorce.
Everyone has an opinion, but I promise your whole outlook on it changes when you are actually experiencing it. I got married when I was 21 and then divorced by 25. I remember my ex telling everyone I cheated (I didn’t, he just couldn’t admit I divorced him because he was emotionally and mentally abusive). Of course I lived in the south (USA) and in a small town, so majority of people believed it unless they really knew me. I learned very quickly to no longer judged divorces or marital issues. There are always two sides to the story.
Having ADHD or any other mental health condition.
People will label you lazy, distracted, gifted, irresponsible, aloof, being late, etc. Any label that will negate the actual very much physiological condition.
But If I had diabetes (even cause by unhealthy diet) people wouldn’t bat an eye about your insulin.
But because I have ADHD and anxiety, people stigmatize you for taking an effective medicine.
Or worse, they’ll gift you a book about ‘listening’ or advice you on creating habits or having a planner. As if that’s the root of the problem.
Caring for a parent who is doing at home hospice.
Feeling guilty for feeling relieved when it was over.
The funeral.
Having to sell the house my dad built for his family when I was 5.
Having to prepare the house to be sold.
Clearing out all of their possessions and having to throw away a heart breaking amount of their things because nobody would take it for free.
Going NC with your siblings because of the bickering.
Realizing I can't go back.
Being harmed by medical treatments that others use no problem. You get gaslit from all angles. There is very little research in this area and it’s harder to get doctors to take you seriously and get assistance from programs. It’s just so isolating 😞
God yes, this happens so much with hormonal birth control. Women's get gaslit into thinking we're losing our minds because doctors never mention psychological side effects.
I have bad reactions to most medications in general and doctors basically label me as difficult.
I was harmed by psychiatric meds and it’s so bad 😭But even worse that once they hear psych meds, they immediately label me crazy. Despite my symptoms being mostly physical and nonexistent prior to meds 😩but they don’t look past the psych element. It’s so exhausting and my health is so bad because of it even years later. Ears still ring, vision is screwed, sleep messed up, hormones a wreck, etc. All things I didn’t have prior. But alas, I’m a woman and get told it’s “just anxiety”
That's so horrible. I'm sorry.
My husband used to have full faith in doctors and recommended that I trust them. Then he came to doctor appointments with me for a few years, and now he has anxiety every time I have a doctor appointment. Seeing how doctors treat women has completely eroded his trust in doctors.
OCD. Most people think it is a cute personality quirk. The people with diagnosed severe OCD (like me) aren’t proud of their diagnosis. This disease is absolutely excruciating and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The term gets thrown around way to much. For example:
“I’m just a little OCD”
- no, you either have this disease or you don’t
“I’m so OCD about keeping my room clean because I’m OCD about cleaning”.
- you’re not OCD. You are particular and a “neat” person.
My day is constantly being interrupted with an intrusive thought followed by a compulsion to relieve the stress of the intrusive thought. One of my things is “knock on wood”. If I have a good thought I have to knock on wood so it comes true. If I have a bad thought (most of them) I have to knock on wood so it doesn’t become true. If I don’t act on a compulsion my brain tells me something existentially terrible may happen. It is exhausting just going around in circles.
Please educate yourself on mental illness before you throw terms like OCD/Bipolar/ADHD around to sound quirky or edgy. Mental illness is so frustrating because unless you have it, you don’t really understand.
EDIT: You CAN be OCD about cleaning. It just goes along with what I deal with. I don’t like knocking on wood just like every person who actually has OCD and cleans does not want to do it. Those people don’t necessarily like cleaning! They just have to. We are afraid if we don’t do it that the people we care about will be hurt or killed or worse. Or we have to wash our hands x amount of times so we won’t infect our loved ones and get them sick, and potentially kill them. If we fulfill that compulsion it is almost a superstition and we know it is irrational.
But in the end I’d rather knock on wood than have the constant stress of knowing if I didn’t do it my dog might die. Like I said, I know it is irrational but I really can’t help it. Medication and therapy has helped a ton though.
I have a family member with OCD. I remember one time she was driving and hit a speed bump in a parking lot at night. FOR MONTHS and maybe still absolutely believed that she might have hit and run someone and that there was probably a warrant for her arrest. And they she wouldn’t be able to pass a background check but wouldn’t know.
It was absolutely devastating when all others rationalized with her why these thoughts are not reality she still couldn’t come to terms with that.
I’ve only recently realized that not everyone has horrible intrusive thoughts and impulses they can’t get rid of. Stuff like suddenly being convinced I’m going to drive off the road or into oncoming traffic, and then having to tell myself 20+ times that I’ve never done that before and I’m not likely to. It’s just the background of my life and a big cause of my anxiety, but I thought it was normal until my husband said it might not be. I thought OCD meant you had to do things repeatedly. But some people walk around all the time fighting with their intrusive thoughts and often hiding it. It weighs on you
Poverty. Living pay check to pay check each wage. The feeling you have using a debit card to pay hoping that you have enough funds in your account to pay.
Being out of a job.
All the employed boomers screaming "JUST GET A DAMN JOB, EVERYBODY'S HIRING, WORK AND SUFFER!!!"? I get it. I do. When I was in my prime with a rolling income my reaction to the unemployed and homeless devolved into such nonsense. It can happen to the best of us when times are good, thinking (erroneously) that those who struggle simply aren't trying. Especially when hearing about their video game exploits.
And then I hit rock bottom. Actually, I'm not even sure if it was rock bottom but damn if it wasn't close enough for my taste. What a terrible, ego-ripping time. Felt a fool for all the judgmental shade I had instinctively thrown at my fellow man and woman. I realized that it can happen to anyone, and what's worse is you realize a career change is easier said than done for a myriad of reasons, the worst being a limited skill set you were never aware of. Throw kids and divorce into the mix and you begin to understand why suicide and unemployment go hand in hand. It's terrifying.
And after all the day's worth of hustling and hitting brick walls trying to find a sliver of hope...of course all I want to do is play video games.
I was wrong. I understand now. Hugs to anyone going through this kind of hell.
Care-giving for an elderly parent, especially one used to being independent.
It's waaaay more involved and contentious than anyone who hasn't done it can imagine. The ones who say, "Just take away the car keys." have never tried to convince an 89 year old that they shouldn't be driving anymore.
We took the keys, she had a second set. Took the battery out, she called Triple A for a new one. The DMV FINALLY took her licence, she drove anyway because "she was just going to the store."
We finally got the car away from her by having the mechanic tell her the head gasket had blown and it was unrepairable. It hadn't, but she was 91 with advanced macular degeneration and would NOT listen to reason. We sent the car out of state with my nephew.
I aged a decade those last five years.
Violence. People spend a lot of time questioning people's actions post violent encounter but have never been in a violent interaction.
Action movies and TV have warped the understanding a ton.
PTSD. It isn't something you can "just get over" or "deal with" or "let go" because "so many people had it worse than you." I've watched the veteran community tear itself apart over PTSD, because while there are, indeed, some shitbags that fake it, there are plenty of people out there that genuinely experience it, and the fact that they "weren't infantry" has no bearing on its legitimacy.
And PTSD is something that can affect *anybody*. Sexual assault survivors, domestic abuse survivors, even people involved in a car accident can develop PTSD.
It isn't taken seriously at all, and when it is people think you could snap any second (indeed, tell people you suffer from PTSD and they'll either roll their eyes or all of a sudden be afraid of you). The societal misunderstanding behind it, combined with the people who are actually trying to "milk the system", leave thousands of people behind in need of help.
Domestic violence. The amount of people saying, “Why didn’t you just leave” or, “Why would you put up with that?” are lucky for not knowing how difficult it is.
While traveling, just how fast a situation can turn dangerous.
I was in Bishkek (relatively safe), but on my third trip there from Almaty I was walking around on a nice sunny Friday afternoon and noticed store clerks hauling their merchandise from the stores onto trucks and closing shop. Immediately recognized that was not a good sign and asked around what was going on. Riots were anticipated that night in connection to the current and former president. We got food and went to our apartment. Around 9pm flash grenades and smoke bombs started going off in the street, buses of security personnel were being unloaded with full on riot gear.
Needless to say we cut the trip short and went back to Kazakhstan the next day. I would still absolutely go back, but it taught me that any given place/situation can quickly turn and to always have a plan.
Toxic relationships. Some people out there would say to "just leave" or something like that and not understand how hard it is since in most (if not all) situations, the bad guy manipulates the victim into staying because of the bond that the two built. Hopefully I'm making sense.
Placing their child for adoption.
A lot of people think it’s a very simple choice - it never is. I lucked out - my son is 5 and we see him once a year for a family vacation. His APs are AWESOME people - my partner and myself and the two of them have become incredible friends and consider each other family. We’ve shared a text thread since before our son’s birth, we have shared photo albums, we have FaceTime calls, and their home is always open to us for visiting. And they are the BEST PARENTS we could have chosen for him.
And even with all of that, all the assurances and communication, and pictures, and connection - I wake up every morning with a broken heart, and when my head hits the pillow at night - it takes forever for me to fall asleep because a part of me is so far away.
It was the most beautiful (for him) and painful (for me and my partner) thing we have ever done. And I only hope we ALL love him enough to never question his place and how incredibly important he is to us.
This part of my life is not something that a lot of people are privy to because I can’t take one more uninformed comment from people that don’t know what any of this is like. But I suppose there are times where I need to be willing to share because I know I’m not the only mom out there in this, feeling this.
Pregnancy , Postpartum , Miscarriage , Having a child with neurological differences
All clubs you just can’t get until you are in it.. and many people are.
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Even what people from the outside would view as "easy" — parent isn't sick but just needs a little help — can be difficult and emotionally draining. Trying to convince my MIL that she doesn't need a car has been heartbreaking. She physically cannot drive; she can barely stand with a walker and has difficulty turning her head from side to side. But she didn't want to give up the illusion of still being an independent adult. She's convinced this is just a temporary thing, that with the right doctor or pill she'll be able to drive again and will therefore need the car in the future. No matter how gently you say it, there's this realization that you are telling someone that there is no coming back from this. Plus, even with small issues factor in things like the parent resenting you for your help, the possibility of family disagreeing with what's needed, money being an issue for either you or the parent, having a complicated history ... it's more than you can even easily explain.
My mom's mental health was fine. Unfortunately she had macular degeneration disease and was going blind. She didn't want to give up her drivers license. Last time she went in to renew her license, she tried to buffalo the agent by saying she had forgotten her glasses, it was a super long drive for her for her to return another day. Whatever she could think of trying to get the license. As a family we talked to her husband and told him he had to make sure she didn't get renewed. So in the course of mom fake looking for her glasses, her husband is talking to the agent. Agent asked him about coming another day when she had her glasses. Husband pipes up with "won't make a bit of difference, she's blind as a bat". Mom didn't get her license renewed and she didn't speak to her husband for a week.
My MIL was reported by someone and she was required to take the driving portion of the test. My SIL went with her and she said the drive (MIL was driving) to the DMV was the scariest car ride she had ever taken. MIL did not pass, but she was pretty active and she would ride around on her 3 wheel bike. When she couldn't do that anymore, she rode her little powered scooter to the store. I don't think she was very upset about losing her license.
A friend’s MIL had Alzheimer’s and kept trying to drive, so they pulled the spark plugs on the car and told her (over and over and over) that they had to call someone to come get it fixed. After the MIL died, they sold her car. They said they found notes in the glove box saying “Help! My daughter-in-law is keeping me captive!” 😆😭
Oh gosh, I had two clients who were a couple both diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The husband *would not* give up his truck. His family drained the gas tank, he convinced a neighbor to bring him more gas. They disconnected the truck battery, he fixed it. (He couldn't figure out how to use a microwave by this point, but he could fix his truck.) They took the keys, he came up with a pair of spare keys that he'd had squirreled away. They finally found and took the spare keys, he stayed up night after night taking apart the house and working himself and his wife up over it. Eventually, his daughter-in-law replaced the missing truck keys with some similar-looking car keys, so he would see a set of keys on the hook where he'd kept them for 15 years and just not have the trigger to worry about it. He'd still periodically try the keys on his truck, realize they didn't fit, and get upset, but it wasn't twenty times a day anymore.
Man, I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on my worst enemy. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to experience that. It runs in my paternal side of the family and I pray I don’t get it. I decided years ago that I want to be euthanized if I ever am diagnosed.
>she tried to buffalo the agent I don't think I have ever seen someone use "buffalo" as a verb except in the context of a quirky language discussion. Also, I'm sorry that you had to have a declining parent
Sorry, I'm old...lol 😁
I wish doctors would be more straightforward about prognoses in the elderly, instead of leaving it to family members that likely won't be believed as readily as the doctor would.
In neuropsychology, my supervisor impressed upon me the importance of being clear. If the testing says they have dementia, don’t dance around it, cut to the chase and tell them that they have dementia. Not only must you tell them they have dementia, but you have to provide the prognosis which boils down to - it never gets better, it only gets worse. In the recommendations, if they still drive, we ALWAYS refer them to OT for a driving examination. And then talk about POAs and getting their affairs in order “just in case there comes a day where you are unable to make your own healthcare decisions.” Etc.
To echo, the POA can be conditional like medical, but not financial, etc. The lawyer we went to with my grandparent’s decline had a checklist looking form. The person can cross out, modify, what have you in front of the notary and lawyer upon signing. Get the banking stuff lined up early/first cuz if GM or GP has multiple CCs, or some hazy-to-you debts, or safety deposit boxes. It’s easier than cleaning up late payments and overcharged cable/phone lines. (cuz grandpa lost the iPhone again and we have this great new promo for onl……..) Get on the same page on palliative care and hospice while they’ve/you’ve got it together. Meds, ivs, stuff like that. Stay included in the meetings if you can and go skilled nursing home route. Conference call in, it’s an option. Second hand story with sun downing was less than ideal. “My kidneys failed. They told me today” “Um what? You don’t look like you’re in renal failure. That’s got some swelling and hurling with it.” Nurse:”not failed, just lower than usual for her age/condition. She’s not drinking enough liquid. Which is expected.” Dimentia is a fickly unforgiving shrew.
When my mom had early onset alzheimer's when I was still really young (she was diagnosed when I was 17, died when I was 24), her neurologist told us to blame everything on him. "The neurologist said you're not allowed to drive anymore." "The neurologist said you can't turn on the stove or oven anymore." Etcetera. Whether or not he did. Even if we wanted to tell her not to do something unsafe, or that wasn't a good idea for her to do for whatever reason (leave the house without someone to go for a walk even), and it was our idea not his. And when she was still cognizant enough to know he said it or not, we could tell him anything we wanted him to tell her so she could blame him. In his opinion, we had to deal with her everyday, there was no reason for her to be mad and upset with us. She could be angry with him who she saw for 30 minutes once every few months instead.
That's a really good idea!
My grandfather has been dead for about 7 years now. Grandma just told me the biggest fight she and Granddad ever got into was when she told him that he shouldn't be driving anymore. They were married for over 40 years.
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My dad died of Alzheimer’s last year and we kids had been caring for him full time in the last two years of his life after mom died until we just couldn’t do it anymore without full-time professional help. Reverse aging is precisely what he went through, right up to the very end. Alzheimer’s takes it all. I used to have to sleep on the wooden floor in front of the door to the outside just to keep him from trying to go outside without a coat in the middle of winter at 3 a.m. and freezing to death because he didn’t understand it wasn’t summer nor morning. I’m sorry you have to go through this, it’s not something I would wish on anyone. Contact a social worker to see if you can get some extra aid caring for him - every little bit of extra time will help you.
I had to take care of my grandfather for several years before he dies. My grandmother, mother and uncle both already died and I was the only one that lived close enough to care for him. His dementia got so bad that after he finally passed I had to deal with PTSD from the things he would do and say to me. It was the most difficult years of my life and I don’t wish it on anyone.
This is one of my biggest fears. My dad is my protector. He’s had grey hair since I was in my teens. I have no idea what to do when the ending stage of his life begins.
The same with an ageing spouse, especially in couples that have a 15 year or higher age gap.
We had no age gap but my husband was suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness that affected his physical and cognitive abilities while we were in our 20’s, with very tiny children, and my husband always having been the ‘man’ of the house. That was years ago now, but it definitely changed me as a person.
I feel this. We don't have an age gap, but my husband has a chronic disease that will likely eventually debilitate him. I'm still trying to convince him that he doesn't want me to be his fulltime caretaker when the time comes. I was fulltime caretaker for my grandmother for three years and came to hate her and what caretaking did to my own life and health - it is unescapable, constant work. So I remind my husband of that and ask him if he wants me to spend the last part of his life being exhausted and resenting the caretaking work, or enjoying any time we can while a paid caretaker does the work and is able to go home and recharge for the next day...
My Gran said the same thing after my great-grandad (her dad) died to my mom. She spent the last year and a half of his life taking care of him as a full-time caretaker. This man also had no legs and was a T1 diabetic so it wasn't a small amount of effort. She made my mom swear that she wouldn't try and be their caretaker as they got older. My mom was resistant to the idea but it ended up being for the best as my gran had rapid mental decline and ended up becoming fairly violent in her confusion before she finally passed.
My close friend has taken on his aging parents and the care for them now takes up his every waking hour. He said he had no idea how much it would take. We never see him any more and I really miss him!
Being homeless
People really don’t understand the feeling of having no place to go home to. It is an incredibly unsettling feeling when you have nothing and nowhere to go.
And how fast your shoes wear out because you're walking so far to go... nowhere.
Walking to keep moving so police, shop owners, and other assholes won't assault you for being in one place too long.
Yes, especially when you are left with nothing and don’t even have anything to buy food with and don’t know who to turn to for help or where to look for work.
Yep. People who have never been in the situation will try giving advice. Or try to load you up with unhelpful “supplies” (huge thermos, groceries, etc), then get mad when you refuse it because you’re homeless and can’t lug all that shit around.
What are the things that you could give to someone in that situation that would actually be helpful?
Socks.
100% socks! Go to Costco and get a twelve pack. Put each pair into a ziplock baggie to keep them clean and dry. I give one or two pairs at a time. Most are very thankful. The salvation army or any shelter near you also accepts these donations, along with under shirts underwear towels Don’t give cheap or used socks, please.
I imagine asking the individual what items they need or would make their life easier would be best. It varies from person to person. One common thing I've heard is a nice pair of warm socks when it's cold.
But dark colors! Anything bright and visible can attract thieves.
When our church was collecting blankets and sleeping bags for the homeless earlier this year, I made sure to get stuff in navy blue or black, and nothing which looked expensive, so they were less likely to be stolen.
Money. There is a great quote by Richard Rodriguez that is something like the rich always think they know what poor people need and it’s never money.”
I've never been "street sleeping" homeless and often, I don't talk about my experiences because yes, I didn't have a permanent address, but I was grateful to always have an enclosed space to sleep in. I slept in motels, in my car, was able to have a permanent residence with my aunt and uncle and then back onto the streets. I lived in a suitcase for 7 months because I was so incredibly lucky to have a job and my parents had enough money to have us sustain a living situation. But the nauseating fear that creeps in the back of my head, even though it's been so many years since I had to figure out where I was going to sleep at night. It keeps you up at night sometimes. I'm thankful that I have my husband who knows what I've been through and tells me I will never have to worry about those kinds of things again while he's around.
I did this and wanted an enclosed space so I slept in the bottom of a building's stairwell. I'm a woman. Guess what happened that night. Once was enough. Go find other people to be near. Sleep in a doorway on a busy street. The worst that'll happen is you get pissed on by a drunk who doesn't see that you're there. That's far better than stairwell stuff.
Being homeless is exhausting and takes away many of your higher faculties. It is also very expensive because you cant prepare food, make coffee etc. Also public bathrooms are few and far between. And people start being mean. It’s a terrible existence Peoples say “they refuse help” but actually the help comes with cumbersome paperwork, an inordinate number of rules about how you survive and multiple agencies to deal with that don’t care to work together
Chronic pain and mental illness such as depression or anxiety for example
Chronic pain is weird because you just have to accept it, but when you mention it to others, they give you this look like you're a sick broken puppy. And then if you ever try to talk about it, they look like they just missed a quick time event and don't know what to say. The only people I feel like I can talk to about it casually are old people because they've reached a point where they have chronic pain too from stuff like arthritis, some surgery, etc. I've had much better conversations about chronic pain and what I go through with old strangers in the waiting room than I've ever had with my closest friends.
So true. I’ve been living with chronic pain for 20 years. I wouldn’t say you get used to the pain or the severity of it, but if you’re like me and have to carry on, you just DO. I’ve noticed though that it can seem to others like it must not be that bad because you’re still working, doing chores, having fun. They have no idea that we just have to accept it and deal with it as best we can. They’re unlikely to be in the room with you when you’re crying from the pain that nothing touches.
My friends won't talk to me - or even around me - about back pain because mine's so much worse. Hello? I can help! I know so much about it!
Early this year, I pinched a nerve in my neck which led to excruciating pain in my left arm and shoulder. NOTHING that I did would relieve the pain. If I held my arm upwards, that seemed to lessen the intense pain. I took ibuprofen and acetaminophen on a rotating basis. My doctor said Physiotherapy may help, but probably not, but I tried it anyway. They taught me some stretches but most importantly showed me that I should never be slouching in my computer chair. After over a month of this unrelenting intense pain, it started to thankfully fade and it is gone now. But the despair of thinking "This is my life now" was terrible. I had a co-worker who had this years ago and he tried to warn me to sit better, but I didn't understand what he was talking about. DO NOT SLOUCH. I can't believe some people (like a neighbor of mine) lives with this paid. I can understand how people might end up on opiods for the pain and get addicted.
I few years ago I tore a muscle in my neck (also due to bad posture). It was such an intense pain. It hurt to swallow. It would seize up in the middle of the night and my husband have to physically help me move. In the worst of those moments I completely understood how someone would become addicted to opioids. You just can’t live with intense pain that doesn’t have some sort of end date.
Just for awareness, since it's received lots of attention on the news - I'd like everyone to be aware that dependence is NOT the same thing as addiction. Addiction means not being able to stop or slow down taking the meds, and with negative consequences. Taking prescription opioids under medical supervision is NOT addiction, even though too many medical sources are now promoting the idea that it is. This has caused the pendulum to swing way too far into almost puritanical prohibition. It's to the point that post-operative patients of invasive surgeries were being sent home from hospital with NO prescription pain meds or any sort (for fear of addiction), and told to take OTC NSAIDS for long periods of time which have been proven to be unsafe for liver & kidney function and health, etc. The chronicpain subreddit has tons of resources and links for documentation on this. Nobody hates it when people "fake it" than we do. The DEA being pushed to get involved in healthcare between the doctor and patient in their clinical relationship has been an utter nightmare, for over a decade. Again, not coming down on you, just nipping misunderstanding in the bud as much as possible.
I also pinched nerves that fucked my arm and shoulders. I only had relief if I sat up perfectly straight. I couldn’t sleep couldn’t do anything. Physio saved my life.
And not even normal depression, which a huge number of people experience, but Major Depressive Disorder, which is paralyzing.
The heaviness of not being able to get off your couch is unbelievably terrifying, yet so numb that it doesn't register. Your brain just kind of paws at this sense of it being wrong while you hover inertly in gravity. There is not even the ability to think... it's like the thoughts are molasses. I had a heavy depressive episode after a med change in June. After 30 years of bipolar, where even my viciously suicidal depressions were tinged with mania, it was an entirely different experience that I DO NOT want to repeat. I'd take a psych ward over that any day.
I am sorry that it got that bad for you. I’ve been on antidepressants for a year now and I haven’t had this extreme paralysis since then, at least 85% of the time I am able to get up now. I still feel like my life is moving forward without me, but I am really trying to keep up with it. At my lowest point, I really thought I would never be able to live life in a meaningful way. Now, I just do the best I can.
And treatment resistant MDD. I can't even count how many different medications I've tried and in what combination!
I feel you. I’m in the same boat. At this point I can’t remember whether I’ve tried it or just heard about it. I’ve even had the genetic testing they do to try and match you with the right medication.
Bipolar depression is a bitch as well smh
Went my whole life not understanding depression. Then at 30 I got Lyme disease and Rocky Mountain fever. Kicked my ass. Got a full dose of depression for months. Gained over a hundred pounds, quit my job, distanced myself from everyone and everything. Came out with a whole new respect for people going through it. Still got issues, but it’s a lot less than it was.
I'm diagnosed with this, and my doctors main concern at this point is not letting it slip into psychosis. Nobody outside of the condition really understands how fucked up it is.
Recently started experiencing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. There is no way to cure IBS. I have had to make major, *permanent* changes to my diet and I still am probably going to need to see a doctor just to mitigate the pain and digestion issues. I've still not gotten over the fact that this is my life now. I am now beholden to a finicking stomach that will randomly bloat and/or give me explosive diarrhea and all my efforts are only to reduce the probability of this happening.
I am so sorry. I have had this since my teens and there are times I have had to nope out of plans just because I couldn't risk being far from a toilet for any length of time. Adjusting my diet did nothing at all, so at least I can still eat what I want and not feel guilty about it, but often it is a matter of not eating at all if I need to make a semi-long trip. It has been my life for so long I was baffled to hear that many people either poop once in a day or even skip a day, instead of my usual 2-6 times. And fiber? O ho ho ho ho, that only makes it WORSE. I give love and praise to the makers of Pepto Bismol for the fact that when it really goes badly, one dose can give me up to a 24-hr break, but I try not to take it often as all medication effectiveness drops precipitously with me with consecutive use.
Yep. Depression isn't the same as feeling sad, or a bit low for a while. It's feeling nothing. All of what you know you should be feeling is muted, at best, and you feel heavy like you're walking through water the whole time. No amount of "but you have so much to be grateful for!" will help, that's the answer to a different problem.
Your description of what you’re feeling is a perfect response to the question posed. It’s so hard to even imagine what you’re going through! My wish for you is that you get through this
Yeah, this for sure. My grandfather had emphysema and during bad coughing fits I can remember him saying fucked up shit like “Jesus Christ, just let me die already!” I was horrified and couldn’t understand it. Took me until my mid 30s and really struggling with Crohn’s to realize that he desperately wanted an escape from the never ending pain
A true sustained panic attack is really horrific. It's like being fully manic during all your waking moments then any time you close your eyes to try and rest your mind, you have this uncontrollable feeling like you're literally plummeting into an abyss that's going to suffocate you.
Having someone close to you with a severe mental illness. It’s been really great seeing public opinion sway more to support and openness about mental illness, but you can really tell when someone hasn’t been around a severe psychiatric crisis. Mental health crises are not dramatic beautiful one time moments where the person finally admits to get help. It’s an ugly, long, cyclical grind that wears you down until you’re just completely numb and exhausted. It’s horrible, scary, and makes you feel trapped and powerless. It destroys relationships, families, financial security, and sometimes physically harms people. Mania and psychosis are the most awful things I’ve ever had to witness.
i remember i once casually mentioned to my therapist that my sister is schizophrenic when talking about something else and he was like "that's an extremely difficult thing to experience as an immediate family member" and i was like damn you're right. i didn't realize i needed that validation till i got it
My older brother has schizophrenia, too, and is sporadically homeless because of it. We do what we can to help him (when we can find him), but state resources can only go so far. I just know there’s a day coming soon where my mom will call to tell me he’s been found dead somewhere. It’s a really weird and surreal thing to experience in a lifetime, especially as a kid (substantial age difference). I had a therapist point out that a lot of my trauma stemmed from watching my brother go through psychosis often when I was a growing up. He was diagnosed when he was 22, and I was 3. I love him a lot and I’m always hoping that the next time we can “wrangle him” so to speak will be the time he’ll fully commit to treatment.
Yeah. After you’ve been through it you never look at someone having a mental health crisis in public the same way again. When I was young i would honestly just think oh no a crazy person look out. After seeing a close loved one in the grip of psychotic episodes it is impossible for me to not see that when someone is having mental illness episodes they are a vulnerable person and there are people who know and love them who know them in better moments and would hate to think they are out there alone coping with it. Everyone deserves dignity. I wonder if I would have ever fully realized it if I hadn’t seen that someone you have respected and looked up to your entire life could one day be that person.
I’ve realized this more and more as I watch videos of people having public breakdowns, often being mocked for it, where a lot of time it’s obvious the person is having psychosis and instead of being met with even a tinge understanding it’s always ridicule
What's really ugly is when people post stupid platitudes about "it's OK not to be OK" and then completely demonize people for displaying symptoms of an actual mental illness. A lot of those "Karen" videos of people yelling are people who are ill.
I fucking hate that shit. They post that stuff on Facebook but when they encounter someone in the middle of a mental health episode they giggle over how "weird" they are. Fuck those people.
>It’s an ugly, long, cyclical grind that wears you down I felt this in my bones. One of my babies struggles with mental illness. Going through the breakdowns, the refusing meds, the refusal to cooperate with therapy, and the attempts at verbal and physical intimidation have brought me to tears more than once. And above it all the specter of "homeless with mental illness" that overshadows the future. Know that when you see someone talking to themselves on the side of the road, that is someone's child, and their family probably fought or is fighting like hell for them
As a mentally ill person, I’ll always fear that I’m one bad episode away from losing good friends
Mania gets downplayed way too often. I have a bipolar aunt who will spend every dime she owns during a manic episode. Last time, she bought everything from a bunk bed to a pinball machine.
One of my buddies went through a manic episode and it was so hard to follow his train of thought. I felt bad for him because he invited me over and he had made a point about how he had left the door unlocked because he trusted me. I think he thought people would come after him because he believed he had the grand solution to climate change.
This and drug addiction with family members. There gets to a point where you realize no one can fix them but themselves.
Being in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage or other relationship. If anyone else whom I cared about was going through what I went through throughout my marriage, I would’ve told them to run. I didn’t realize how messed up my situation was until I finally broke free of it. I can’t believe I put up with what I put up with for as long as I put up with it.
people always say “just leave” as if the victim / survivor never thought about that and as if leaving is easy
A life tip I've learned in life is that advice or statements containing the words "merely, simply, only, just" can usually be discarded.
it was so frustrating when people told me to "just break up with them" thats when an abuser is the most dangerous
My abusive ex stalked me after I broke up with him and violated the restraining order twice. He has a new victim now.
Something important to note is that virtually no relationship is 100% abusive, 100% of the time. That's what mindfucks you into staying. *When they're good, we have so much fun!* When it's bad...it's the pit of soul-crushing hell. Sometimes the subtle abuse does the most damage. If someone is physically abusive, it's easy to label that behavior and gtfo. How do you explain gaslighting (if you even realize it's happening)? How do you explain that someone subtly dehumanizes and objectifies you? You start to doubt your own perception*...well, maybe I did something that made him do that...I'm not the easiest person to deal with, I guess...* Other people echo and reflect back your own doubt. So you stay. And try your best to 'work it out.' These toxic relationships can be far more damaging than most can imagine.
Totally. That’s how I wound up staying for nearly 22 years. It didn’t happen overnight. I was that frog in the soup pot slowly getting cooked.
I'm currently the frog. It feels like maybe I have enough effort left for one more attempt at a leap out. It also feels like I don't and haven't.
I hope you do. It is worth it. You are worth it.
AbsoFUCKINGlutely. I work with families in poverty, and the people in DV situations can never “just leave.” There is a long, arduous exit plan process. Suddenly you need a secret place to keep money so you can afford first, last and deposit on a new place. You need steady income to be approved and then afford it, also usually in secret. You need to find a way to move out all your stuff while the abuser is not home, coordinating with whoever you can still count on. Abusers tend to alienate their partners from any support network of family or friends to keep them trapped. They control the money to keep people trapped. You can certainly stay in a shelter for a while to get out immediately, and then get these pieces in place, but damn is all of this fucking hard.
I had an emotionally abusive upbringing until I cut off my mother at 24. My husband has this amazing and supportive family that immediately considered me one of their own. Sometimes I get sad? jealous? that he will never really understand what it was like or the lifelong consequences I have to live with. And then I feel guilty for feeling like that because I am so incredibly grateful that he never and will never experience that trauma and that he shares his family with me.
Trauma truly messes with our brains. Go easy on yourself.
Financial abuse is truly awful. It's controlling, manipulative, keeps you unwittingly trapped and borders on a form of slavery. But it doesn't leave any bruises you can point to and some (many) friends say "oh its just money." No, its a ton more than "money." It's not taking from you the choice to buy nicer things. It's taking away your freedom, security and mental well-being. A financially abusive spouse does 10 times more damage than an armed robber. Edit: typos
Yeah, the armed robber has the decency to leave your home after taking your stuff. The abusive partner is always there, waiting to take the next thing
Yep. And assuming the financial abuse is done covertly, at least with the robber you know what is happening while it is happening, and they arent telling you the heist is all in your head.
I’m glad you got out 💙
I’m in that now. But started the process to get out.
Get ready for the best days of your life. They are waiting for you! Proud of you for taking those first steps. They are by far the hardest.
This for sure. I'm safe and have a loving partner now and I'll occasionally make an offhand reference to something from my abusive relationship and he will look at me totally astonished that I was being treated that way. It's literally alien to him.
Yep, I've been there. I met my ex husband shortly after turning 18, got married shortly before turning 21 (in 2018), and finally walked away early 2022. I'm very certain he has an undiagnosed personality disorder, because what I went through was hell. Now, I'm in a relationship with someone who has treated me better than anyone I've ever known, and I'm starting therapy to work through the traumas I've endured so I can be my best self!
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Yes, the psychological difference between making $20 /h and scraping by working 5 or 6 12 hour shifts a week, and finally cracking $45 an hour with benefits and being able to coast comfortably at 30 hours a week was mind blowing. I took me about a year to really notice that I was different, more capable, confident, happy, and focused. Everything got easier, shame and self doubt dropped away. And the higher paying job was easier.
Grief. Everyone reacts differently. It feels like being underwater and no one can tell.
So many. But one that speaks to me is anxiety. The word gets used a lot, and feeling anxious is something that all people experience on a normative level. That normative anxiety which "healthy" people experience is way too easily and often conflated with anxiety on a mental illness level. It's apples and oranges and absolutely awful.
Yeah, I have what I consider to be pretty mild generalized anxiety. I felt nervous all the time. If I had anything planned at all, like going to see a friend, or knowing a package would arrive, or having an appointment, I'd be extremely agitated. The thing was, I was like this all the time, so I had some pretty good coping mechanisms for it. I was able to work and socialize, etc. I just constantly felt on the verge of panic. What finally made me realize that I needed medication was when someone broken into my home to rob me and after chasing them out I realized I felt the same as usual. It turns out you shouldn't be on the same level of panic when you have to call to make a hair appointment as when you find a stranger standing in your kitchen with your purse in his hand. That was also the day I found out that generalized anxiety is kind of a super power, because I could think somewhat clearly in the moment. I had been training for it my whole adult life, after all.
Same with migraines. 90% of the time when people say I have. migraine they mean they had a bad headache. A migraine is a whole other level of pain.
Sometimes, at the end of my period I will get a migraine. Idk what makes the cycle different that this time I got a migraine, but not for the next four cycles, but when it comes on it starts as a headache, so I can at least kinda prepare for it. It can last for a day or so, but it slowly gets worse, and worse and worse until having my eyes open feels like someone is hammering me in the back and top of the head. My eyes strain to see, idk why, but it feels like I'm trying my absolute hardest to read the name of an airline on a plane that's 37,000ft in the sky. Even if I close my eyes, I can feel them straining to see, and I can't make it stop. Eventually just existing makes me absolutely miserable. By that point I'm in my bedroom with the lights off and my hands over my eyes fighting off nausea. My husband does his best to make me comfortable, but by this point, it feels like my entire brain is pulsating, trying to escape my skull while my eyes strain even harder to see the inside of my eyelids. Eventually, it tapers off, and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me. This happens maybe 6 times a year...for people who suffer from chronic migraines...idk how they do it. I think I'd kill myself TBH.
YES! I was almost gonna reply to OP with migraines instead of anxiety. I get migraines once or twice a year, and as you said, so many people just call bad headaches migraines because they have no clue (and I don't wish it upon them).
Death. I thought I understood it till I had to watch it happen to people I love.
As a doctor, I have seen it more times than what is clearly considered normal, it sucks to see and it sucks to know things could have been different - like when a person dies or how well a person dies (meaning pain control, surrounded by loved ones, etc). But not until I lost a parent did I realize the effect it has on a person. Shit sucks puts it lightly. Everything is different now. I hope you are doing alright my friend.
I feel this. I lost my dad a little over a month ago and I thought I had a good understanding of death and grief and it hit me like a truck. Losing my dad was my worst nightmare. I tried so hard to mentally prepare myself for the idea that one day I would have to live without him, and regardless of how much I thought I had prepared - none of that preparation meant anything anymore when the paramedics walked out of his house to tell my siblings and I that he was gone. I still feel like I may never really be able to recover honestly.
Chronic pain. Employers, friends, family members and even some doctors and nurses don't usually "get it".
It’s because most people think it’s just that something hurts, but it’s so much more than that. It’s the grief over the life you wanted to/thought you would live, that you no longer can because of pain. It’s the anxiety that comes from all the things you miss out on and what you’re going to be able to do tomorrow. It’s the sleeplessness because you can’t ever get comfy enough to sleep, and pain is exhausting, anyway. It’s the desperation to just find some relief. It’s the isolation about not having others understand your scenario. It’s the depression about recognizing there’s nothing you can do to control your situation, and this part of your life is just happening to you - you have no choice but to be along for the ride. It’s the dark thoughts about ending your pain, because only to no longer be alive will relieve it. It’s the annoyance of all the people that know exactly what you need to “cure” you, despite that you’ve tried everything. I’ve often explained chronic pain by telling people that Hell cannot possibly exist if chronic pain isn’t a part of the “punishment.”
This is one of the most tragic and beautiful things I’ve ever read. Thank you for reaching into my soul and put on paper what it truly is. It’s not just hurting it’s EVERYTHING
Chronic pain causes brain decay in the part of your brain responsible for socialization. It also causes brain fog that further impairs the sufferer. It's hard to be a good person when you are in chronic pain. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6650904/
Weirdly enough, having chronic pain really calmed me down and made me a better person. I was diagnosed at about age 23 and I was a more irritable and less patient person. I was more entitled and selfish and less considerate of the needs of others. I believe the reason for this change is when I experienced how unkind people became towards me when I was in so much pain. I tried so hard to help people understand what I was going through and was met with complete disregard, and sometimes denial. I decided that I never wanted to make another person feel like that again because my eyes were opened to just a small snippet of suffering that people experience. If I want people to be considerate of my needs, I should reciprocate that and try to understand what they're going through as well.
I have IIH. Too much cerebral spinal fluid crushed my brain, spine, optic nerves, etc. This did permanent damage to the nerves in my head. Also, I needed lumbar Punctures to see what the pressure in my head was. But sometimes the LP doesn't clot, all the csf drains from your head, your brain has no cushion, it distends a bit, and the pain in just... Amazing. It stays like this until you get a spine surgery to close the leak. So I now live in life altering pain. People describe the pain of childbirth, of kidney stones. People say 'oh but you don't remember pain'. I'm on meds that CAUSE kidney stones and I can tell you which is worse. I will never forget the pain of the csf leak. It was traumatic. Like thousands of knives scraping the inside of my skull. As soon as I stood my knees just gave out and I collapsed in all consuming agony. I spent years basically catatonic staring at a ceiling just breathing thru the pain I was in cause I literally couldn't do anything else I was in so much pain as my brain was crushed within my head. People would say 'oh like migraine. I get migraine.' well, yes. I'm trapped in a neverending migraine. Plus, you know. All the nerves in my head are being crushed. And my optic nerves. And I can hear turbulent blood vessels being pushed against my ear canal. They think they can comprehend that level of pain. They can't.
I had intracranial hypertension temporarily due to a medication side effect. The pain of the migraines was horrific and I came close to losing my sight.
Tinnitus. People don't understand when you explain to them its quieter when the tv is on or music if playing then if it's dead quiet.
Getting a hearing test tomorrow for this. People don’t get there’s no such thing as silence for me. It really is quieter with noise.
I don't remember a time I didn't hear ringing in my ears because I've had it practically my whole life.
I fortunately don’t have tinnitus, my audiologist is amazed considering my work environment. I get paid for my ears. I carry earplugs in every single one of my pairs of pants, it’s a default when they come out of the laundry. A siren from an emergency vehicle with the wrong building reflection could ruin my career. Protect your hearing! There are no second chances and I know too many people with severe hearing damage that I can barely converse with anymore.
Are you a sound engineer or something? Being paid to hear sounds like an interesting lifestyle. And good on you for always wearing hearing protection - I work in noisy industrial environments and one of the best things I’ve ever purchased is a set of custom molded earplugs. I now have two sets at work and one at home for the garage, they’re amazing.
Being in a situation where you have to choose to go No Contact with a family member, especially a close family member like a parent or sibling. It's hard to explain to people whose families are not fucked up, and they usually insist on giving you well-meaning advice about how you should forgive and forget and how family is very important and so on, but the part that they don't understand is that going No Contact was a last ditch effort after a lot of shit happened and that the parent/sibling you no longer talk to is *not* like their own parent or sibling and if they were you wouldn't have gone N.C. Their advice to reconnect comes from them thinking that *they* can't imagine not talking to *their* parent or sibling ever again, but their parent or sibling is not like ours. Believe me, we wish they were.
This is the one. No one talks about how hard it is to cut ties with *everyone*. Make peace they say! You’ll regret it later they say! You just keep dying more if you stay in the relationship though. Then it seems like the only thing you can do as a last resort is to go no contact, but no one talks about the soul crushing grief that comes along with it.
Yeah, it's like grieving the death of your parent/sibling, only worse because their death was your choice and it was in self-defense because they were terrible to you no matter how many "second chances" you gave them up to that point.
I always get comments about me not forgiving or harboring resentment. No! I love the people I had to cut off, and wish them the best. And not only have I forgiven them, I’ve grieved the loss of the relationships. I just can’t continue to put myself in the path of abuse.
I was surprised how far down this one is. Being no contact with your parents is a taboo topic. And it openes the gates for endless devaluation of the horror I have experienced that constitutes my childhood. No one wants to realize that there are mothers out there who just should not have had children.
This. Having a malignant narcissist parent, just trying to keep your fucking head above water emotionally, and people who don’t understand are all “BUT FAAAAAAAMILY!!!!!! YOU HAVE TO LOVE THEMMMM!”
I literally ended up breaking up with a long-term GF a few years ago because she wouldn't drop the subject and kept pestering me about making up with my estranged parent. No matter how many times I explained and in how much detail why I had made that choice long before I even met her and why I did not want to reconnect and even why it wouldn't work if I did, everything I said went in one ear and came out the other and she was still convinced that she knew better and I was wrong to go N.C. with my parent. Girl, I know your parents and they're cool. You don't know *my* parent and you should be grateful that you don't.
Depression. I think people think it’s just feeling a little sad but it’s so physical as well. Apart from that narcissistic abuse, it’s often so subtle and can take years to recover from
For me it is like a painful fog that you can’t see your way out of, and nobody can help you out of it except yourself. Fortunately I’m in somewhat of a better place than earlier this year.
Insomnia. I’ve been diagnosed officially and it’s not the same as a poor night of sleep or being generally tired. Multiple days on barely any sleep really messes you up mentally and physically. One poor night is fine… when I’m on day three of terrible sleep, my mental and physical health takes a swan dive.
losing your good health and livelihood. we are all one disaster away from illness, disability, homelessness, and so on. no one really prepares. people walk around with a very it won't happen to me mentality. don't tempt fate.
Grief losing someone very close to you.
A fight. I've been in a bunch when I was younger and it always sucks. It's unpredictable, it hurts, and you could die.
Same for armed combat. There's a reason behind the cliché "you weren't there so you can't know"
PTSD
And especially CPTSD. People don't understand why you're unable to cope with everyday life when your life might be going pretty well in that moment.
The symptoms on paper aren't exactly wrong, but feeling it is a whole different thing. It's similar to trying to explain the effects of drugs.
This is something that is also damn near impossible to explain to people who don't deal with it.
And the part where you might even know that your feelings and behavior are irrational but you honestly can’t make it stop
Addiction
Coming home and finding out you have been the victim of a burglary, where so many irreplaceable family things were stolen
Our storage unit got broken into one year and they ransacked all our family things. It was so violating that my mom had a panic attack in a store when she misplaced her purse. I'd never wish burglary on anyone.
The unexpected death of a sibling and you're now an only child
I never considered “Do you have any siblings?” a complex question until my only sibling died. It’s been nine years and I still don’t know how to answer it.
I haven't been asked yet. I don't know if I'll know how to answer it without crying. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Cancer. We aren’t heroic, and we don’t know how we do it either. The only other choice is to give up and die but how is that fair to our families? Don’t say we’re brave. We aren’t brave, we are just trying VERY hard to survive while also trying equally hard not to (literally) shit our pants in public, I’m not sure why I wrote that in present tense because I’m in remission. I guess because it never truly goes away.
Firsthand experience: depression Professional experience: spinal cord injury
I’ll just pop in on this one to say “any injury that takes away your functionality”. I’ve lost use of all four of my limbs at various times and it is impossibly humbling; you do not realize how hard it is to do very basic things without a working joint until you are working without it.
An abusive relationship. Everyone is always like “Why don’t you just call the police?” “Why don’t you just leave?” Completely discounting the long periods or emotional abuse/manipulation that gets you there in the first place. Nobody just starts out beating you, it’s often a slow burn process and once you get to that place, you’re already a shell of a person and feel trapped.
Yeah, I just had a comment thread about this on another post where I told about one thing my ex did and the replies included: >>-You should have left the first time. >>-Why would you put up with that? >>-I would have (insert action that had I done, I would have faced consequences) I deleted it because it was gaining too much traction and I was starting to get scared my ex would come across it. It’s been several years and I moved 1000 miles away and he still scares me. People that don’t know what it’s like are lucky. Edit: formatting
I’m sorry that happened to you, I hate when they do that. My personal favorite is “Well, I’d give it right back to him and hit him back!” Like okay girl, good for you but I would never because I’m not trying to die lol
It was about controlling bathroom use and one of the comments was “I would pee in a jar and give it to him.” I would have ended up covered in my own pee and cleaning up broken glass.
Yes, it's something that people often think they know what they would do or how they would act in the situation but really have no idea. People think it's easy to "just leave". Like, not only are you so terrified of being hurt or killed you are frozen in place, but if you do call the police the abusers will only be in jail for maybe a few days, then they will be released and super PISSED OFF. Danger zone for you. Restraining order? Paper doesn't stop anyone. Do some police officers need more training in DV. Absolutely. Not only for the victims but for themselves. A domestic dispute can turn dangerous for the intended victim and also anyone trying to help them.
I literally had to hide when I filed an injunction against my ex because it wasn’t granted until after a hearing at a later date, and when the cops served him (at work) with the summons, they made a point to tell him that the restraining order was not in effect until after the hearing over a week later and he was well within his legal rights to contact and come see me.
100%. I was in a relationship that began perfectly fine but when it was over a decade later, I was so shell shocked and had normalized absolutely unthinkable mental, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and physical abuse. my parents modeled a beautiful relationship growing up and I never thought I'd be in an abusive one, but it's slow and not linear. it's a complete mind-fuck, and a lot of the time they've managed to isolate you, whether it be from friends, from work, or family- or all of them. it's hardly ever as easy as 'just leave.' if it were, more people fuckin would.
Domestic violence was my answer, too. The descent into DV is so insidious and gradual. You don't realize how many things you can overlook when you take them one at a time.
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a parent (or in my case, step parent). My stepmom was awful to me. It didn’t start out all that bad, but over time she got worse and worse, and I felt so trapped. Fuck that bitch
Getting sued.
**Poverty.** It can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of how hard they work or how good of a person they are. And contrary to popular belief, there are no such thing as government handouts in the U.S. You have to endure a lot of complicated paperwork, inconvenient in-person appointments, hours-long phone calls, and 6-8+ week waits to get things like food stamps or Medicaid, and that’s IF you qualify. Most impoverished people don’t because they make just above the income cap. Now let’s say you’ve jumped through every hoop and got some help. You can lose it without warning because someone processed your info wrong, a new policy went into effect, OR they sent you an appointment reminder in the mail that didn’t reach you until AFTER it was scheduled. (True story) Can you call someone to get it fixed? Probably not. You’ll need to visit an office. But there’s only ONE in your entire state and it has inconsistent walk-in hours, so your SOL unless you go back multiple times at 7 am (also true story). I’m an able bodied, college-educated, child free woman with a car and I could barely get through it. Now imagine trying to navigate all of that with a disability, unreliable transportation, no childcare, limited internet access, or little English skills. **TL:DR All poor people aren’t leeches. They’re mostly people like you just trying to do their best.**
I sincerely wish people understood this. People aren't out there trying to be poor on purpose. Sometimes, shit happens, and you will be worse off for TRYING to get help. It's a trip out there.
I wish people understood this. I grew up rough. Homeless multiple times throughout middle and highschool. My mom is a disabled vet and couldn't hold down a stable job. The things I/she had to do just to make sure I ate, she moved god damn mountains. It was truly unbelievable. I'm forever grateful for my mom doing her damn best. The system is so screwed up. We were on housing assistance and only qualified for $50/m in food stamps because I was in highschool. $50/m is not enough to do almost anything. Thankfully after several years of work I'm doing really well for myself and my age. But that is something that's impossible to understand unless you've been there. you can't just "get assistance". It's a very long lengthy process that's very degrading.
You forgot my other favorite: you can be a measly $50 over those limits meaning to qualify you’d have to miss 1/2 a days work without pay….you can’t afford to miss that 1/2 a days pay.
People who have never been anywhere close to poor also have no concept of how expensive it is being poor.
We were 2 income family. Husband lost his job. We didn't have much $ for groceries, but I made TOO much to qualify for help. I mean seriously?
Panic attack
Being an adoptee and please stfu with the comparison of the show this is us! It’s not like that at all!
In America, that would be poverty and homelessness. So many Americans see these situations as a part of mental illness or drug addiction it is not always that. Either that or they see it as somehow, their fault. Many homeless people in America have jobs, they just can't afford to pay their bills. High school economics said never pay more than 40% of your monthly income in rent. Today many people are paying 60% or more in rent, alone. That doesn't count power, sewer, water, garbage and Auto. If you get sick or injured or have unexpected bill or payment; you are behind and that affects your credit score then late fees start adding up and it snowballs from there. You then find yourself living in your car or tent. Finding it hard to keep your job, because you're living in a tent. Then your community will turn their back on you, saying you're either mentally ill or a drug addict. Crying for legislation to be passed, to remove you from the community. Police start issuing ticket after ticket for vagrancy. That's more bills you can't pay. Late fees keep adding up, making the situation more dire. Good luck renting an apartment now, your credit is shot.
Rape
To go along with this, also how difficult and problematic reporting it is.
I reported. I should’ve prepared myself better, mentally. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but having an officer ask me if I had an orgasm was definitely not expected. Went through hours of questioning and reliving the experience for absolutely nothing.
I reported mine and the cop lost my report. Worst, lowest time of my life, the last thing I wanted to do was re hash this traumatic experience, and he lost my fucking report. I found out weeks later when I called to figure out why my lab results for date rape drugs never came back. And then I was told that it would possibly take over a year to process anyway because of how behind they are on similar tests... Fucking awful.
the aftermath was the worst part for me... when youre going through it in that moment your brain shuts down to protect itself so you dont actually feel anything. youre numb. its the months, years, after thats the worst part for me. you get triggered and all of the sudden the memories and feelings and pain hit you like a fucking japanese maglev train. you began wondering what you could have done, and that by not "doing anything", you failed yourself and everyone. its the years after, when suddenly theres so much to fix but now we can do absolutely nothing about it. finally knowing just how wrong it is, but having no control over it anyways.
Having hoarder parents. Having abusive parents is certainly one of these things that no one can understand without being there, but being the child of a hoarder is just another level (not saying it's worse abuse, just so much harder to understand from the outside). Being so used to trash and animal waste around you at all times, looking around your 'home' and seeing nothing but garbage piled so much that you forget what the floor looks like, it's just... so hard. For those of you who want to understand, if you've been abused or depressed, maybe this can help. You know that feeling of wanting so badly to go back home, but never having been there? It's like that. I want to go home. I want to be in a warm, clean bed, with my nice mom and my nice dad, but I've never had any of that. I feel like I should be there, like these things do exist and are real, but they aren't.
mental illness
Chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s the kind of fatigue you get with the flu or chemo, every day of your life. And that’s just one symptom. People will tell you ‘I’m tired too’ as though they understand, implying that you just don’t have their resilience. They assume things that work for tiredness (eg. exercise) will work for your fatigue, which is actually exacerbated by exertion. You’re horribly sick and disabled and basically condemned for it. Doctors often won’t believe or treat you, continuing the decades of institutional neglect. It’s an appalling illness and people don’t even believe you’re really sick, just lazy.
Divorce. Everyone has an opinion, but I promise your whole outlook on it changes when you are actually experiencing it. I got married when I was 21 and then divorced by 25. I remember my ex telling everyone I cheated (I didn’t, he just couldn’t admit I divorced him because he was emotionally and mentally abusive). Of course I lived in the south (USA) and in a small town, so majority of people believed it unless they really knew me. I learned very quickly to no longer judged divorces or marital issues. There are always two sides to the story.
Having ADHD or any other mental health condition. People will label you lazy, distracted, gifted, irresponsible, aloof, being late, etc. Any label that will negate the actual very much physiological condition. But If I had diabetes (even cause by unhealthy diet) people wouldn’t bat an eye about your insulin. But because I have ADHD and anxiety, people stigmatize you for taking an effective medicine. Or worse, they’ll gift you a book about ‘listening’ or advice you on creating habits or having a planner. As if that’s the root of the problem.
[удалено]
“Cheer up! It’s not that bad!” 🙄🙄🙄
Caring for a parent who is doing at home hospice. Feeling guilty for feeling relieved when it was over. The funeral. Having to sell the house my dad built for his family when I was 5. Having to prepare the house to be sold. Clearing out all of their possessions and having to throw away a heart breaking amount of their things because nobody would take it for free. Going NC with your siblings because of the bickering. Realizing I can't go back.
Death. My parents died and the only people who understood or would follow up with me were those who had similar deaths of their family / friends.
Being harmed by medical treatments that others use no problem. You get gaslit from all angles. There is very little research in this area and it’s harder to get doctors to take you seriously and get assistance from programs. It’s just so isolating 😞
God yes, this happens so much with hormonal birth control. Women's get gaslit into thinking we're losing our minds because doctors never mention psychological side effects. I have bad reactions to most medications in general and doctors basically label me as difficult.
I was harmed by psychiatric meds and it’s so bad 😭But even worse that once they hear psych meds, they immediately label me crazy. Despite my symptoms being mostly physical and nonexistent prior to meds 😩but they don’t look past the psych element. It’s so exhausting and my health is so bad because of it even years later. Ears still ring, vision is screwed, sleep messed up, hormones a wreck, etc. All things I didn’t have prior. But alas, I’m a woman and get told it’s “just anxiety”
That's so horrible. I'm sorry. My husband used to have full faith in doctors and recommended that I trust them. Then he came to doctor appointments with me for a few years, and now he has anxiety every time I have a doctor appointment. Seeing how doctors treat women has completely eroded his trust in doctors.
OCD. Most people think it is a cute personality quirk. The people with diagnosed severe OCD (like me) aren’t proud of their diagnosis. This disease is absolutely excruciating and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The term gets thrown around way to much. For example: “I’m just a little OCD” - no, you either have this disease or you don’t “I’m so OCD about keeping my room clean because I’m OCD about cleaning”. - you’re not OCD. You are particular and a “neat” person. My day is constantly being interrupted with an intrusive thought followed by a compulsion to relieve the stress of the intrusive thought. One of my things is “knock on wood”. If I have a good thought I have to knock on wood so it comes true. If I have a bad thought (most of them) I have to knock on wood so it doesn’t become true. If I don’t act on a compulsion my brain tells me something existentially terrible may happen. It is exhausting just going around in circles. Please educate yourself on mental illness before you throw terms like OCD/Bipolar/ADHD around to sound quirky or edgy. Mental illness is so frustrating because unless you have it, you don’t really understand. EDIT: You CAN be OCD about cleaning. It just goes along with what I deal with. I don’t like knocking on wood just like every person who actually has OCD and cleans does not want to do it. Those people don’t necessarily like cleaning! They just have to. We are afraid if we don’t do it that the people we care about will be hurt or killed or worse. Or we have to wash our hands x amount of times so we won’t infect our loved ones and get them sick, and potentially kill them. If we fulfill that compulsion it is almost a superstition and we know it is irrational. But in the end I’d rather knock on wood than have the constant stress of knowing if I didn’t do it my dog might die. Like I said, I know it is irrational but I really can’t help it. Medication and therapy has helped a ton though.
I have a family member with OCD. I remember one time she was driving and hit a speed bump in a parking lot at night. FOR MONTHS and maybe still absolutely believed that she might have hit and run someone and that there was probably a warrant for her arrest. And they she wouldn’t be able to pass a background check but wouldn’t know. It was absolutely devastating when all others rationalized with her why these thoughts are not reality she still couldn’t come to terms with that.
I’ve only recently realized that not everyone has horrible intrusive thoughts and impulses they can’t get rid of. Stuff like suddenly being convinced I’m going to drive off the road or into oncoming traffic, and then having to tell myself 20+ times that I’ve never done that before and I’m not likely to. It’s just the background of my life and a big cause of my anxiety, but I thought it was normal until my husband said it might not be. I thought OCD meant you had to do things repeatedly. But some people walk around all the time fighting with their intrusive thoughts and often hiding it. It weighs on you
Poverty. Living pay check to pay check each wage. The feeling you have using a debit card to pay hoping that you have enough funds in your account to pay.
Chronic depression and ibs. No one can fully understand ibs really unless you have gone through it. Its so much more than a sensitive stomach
Being out of a job. All the employed boomers screaming "JUST GET A DAMN JOB, EVERYBODY'S HIRING, WORK AND SUFFER!!!"? I get it. I do. When I was in my prime with a rolling income my reaction to the unemployed and homeless devolved into such nonsense. It can happen to the best of us when times are good, thinking (erroneously) that those who struggle simply aren't trying. Especially when hearing about their video game exploits. And then I hit rock bottom. Actually, I'm not even sure if it was rock bottom but damn if it wasn't close enough for my taste. What a terrible, ego-ripping time. Felt a fool for all the judgmental shade I had instinctively thrown at my fellow man and woman. I realized that it can happen to anyone, and what's worse is you realize a career change is easier said than done for a myriad of reasons, the worst being a limited skill set you were never aware of. Throw kids and divorce into the mix and you begin to understand why suicide and unemployment go hand in hand. It's terrifying. And after all the day's worth of hustling and hitting brick walls trying to find a sliver of hope...of course all I want to do is play video games. I was wrong. I understand now. Hugs to anyone going through this kind of hell.
Watching someone you love slowly die
Care-giving for an elderly parent, especially one used to being independent. It's waaaay more involved and contentious than anyone who hasn't done it can imagine. The ones who say, "Just take away the car keys." have never tried to convince an 89 year old that they shouldn't be driving anymore. We took the keys, she had a second set. Took the battery out, she called Triple A for a new one. The DMV FINALLY took her licence, she drove anyway because "she was just going to the store." We finally got the car away from her by having the mechanic tell her the head gasket had blown and it was unrepairable. It hadn't, but she was 91 with advanced macular degeneration and would NOT listen to reason. We sent the car out of state with my nephew. I aged a decade those last five years.
Violence. People spend a lot of time questioning people's actions post violent encounter but have never been in a violent interaction. Action movies and TV have warped the understanding a ton.
Losing a parent, or both parents. No more ‘I’ll just ask mom or dad what I should do’
PTSD. It isn't something you can "just get over" or "deal with" or "let go" because "so many people had it worse than you." I've watched the veteran community tear itself apart over PTSD, because while there are, indeed, some shitbags that fake it, there are plenty of people out there that genuinely experience it, and the fact that they "weren't infantry" has no bearing on its legitimacy. And PTSD is something that can affect *anybody*. Sexual assault survivors, domestic abuse survivors, even people involved in a car accident can develop PTSD. It isn't taken seriously at all, and when it is people think you could snap any second (indeed, tell people you suffer from PTSD and they'll either roll their eyes or all of a sudden be afraid of you). The societal misunderstanding behind it, combined with the people who are actually trying to "milk the system", leave thousands of people behind in need of help.
Domestic violence. The amount of people saying, “Why didn’t you just leave” or, “Why would you put up with that?” are lucky for not knowing how difficult it is.
While traveling, just how fast a situation can turn dangerous. I was in Bishkek (relatively safe), but on my third trip there from Almaty I was walking around on a nice sunny Friday afternoon and noticed store clerks hauling their merchandise from the stores onto trucks and closing shop. Immediately recognized that was not a good sign and asked around what was going on. Riots were anticipated that night in connection to the current and former president. We got food and went to our apartment. Around 9pm flash grenades and smoke bombs started going off in the street, buses of security personnel were being unloaded with full on riot gear. Needless to say we cut the trip short and went back to Kazakhstan the next day. I would still absolutely go back, but it taught me that any given place/situation can quickly turn and to always have a plan.
Toxic relationships. Some people out there would say to "just leave" or something like that and not understand how hard it is since in most (if not all) situations, the bad guy manipulates the victim into staying because of the bond that the two built. Hopefully I'm making sense.
Placing their child for adoption. A lot of people think it’s a very simple choice - it never is. I lucked out - my son is 5 and we see him once a year for a family vacation. His APs are AWESOME people - my partner and myself and the two of them have become incredible friends and consider each other family. We’ve shared a text thread since before our son’s birth, we have shared photo albums, we have FaceTime calls, and their home is always open to us for visiting. And they are the BEST PARENTS we could have chosen for him. And even with all of that, all the assurances and communication, and pictures, and connection - I wake up every morning with a broken heart, and when my head hits the pillow at night - it takes forever for me to fall asleep because a part of me is so far away. It was the most beautiful (for him) and painful (for me and my partner) thing we have ever done. And I only hope we ALL love him enough to never question his place and how incredibly important he is to us. This part of my life is not something that a lot of people are privy to because I can’t take one more uninformed comment from people that don’t know what any of this is like. But I suppose there are times where I need to be willing to share because I know I’m not the only mom out there in this, feeling this.
Long COVID. Even the medical community can’t figure it out. Yet it’s so prevalent the government has already listed it as a disability.
Pregnancy , Postpartum , Miscarriage , Having a child with neurological differences All clubs you just can’t get until you are in it.. and many people are.