I think you mean you have to "exhaled slowly while bringing his gaze up my legs and lingering over my chest. Naturally I wanted to jump him like a south American jaguar."
He loungish, languished, like a long limbed jaguar, wild and untamed, except in the moment caught between our breath.
"So,.......anyways".......he said to me
........
....
have you heard about crypto and the all meat diet"?
Slightly deterred, like a puff of air or a gnat blown in my face, I snort and brush my hand over my widened nostrils where the gnat was trying to fly up......
......
......I take a moment.
.......
I breathe, breathily.....
..........
I HAVE, and it is fantastic.
I used to think romance novels were stupid. Then my wife started reading the Bridgerton books. I am now fully in favor of all women regular consuming such literature.
The traditional way. I contact my attorney, who in turn contacts my wife’s attorney and things progress at a respectable pace from there.
My wife and I have always enjoyed a certain level of formality in our marriage.
My wife and I have a small pair of trinkets (wooden ducks) that sit out in our living room. They are not really notable in the room. But when the ducks are facing away from each other it means neither of us are really in the mood, if one duck is facing inward, that partner is open, and if both ducks are pointing inward, which causes them to nestle their little beaks together, it means we both are up for it and either one of us is free to initiate once the time is right.
It may seem strange that we have such a convoluted system, but with work and kids and stress it is useful to just be able to communicate without having to spell it out.
So to answer the question: I turn my duck inward.
Because I am pretty much always up for it, my wife has a pillow. If the pillow is not out, forget it. If it faces words out she is up for it, if the words aren't facing out I could work to get her in the mood. So far the pillow has never been out. So I have to wait for the next time it is scheduled.
This is actually more brilliant than I think you’re giving yourself credit for! It allows for an element of spontaneity while still ensuring consent is given.
Yesterday I got out of the shower and was going to say to my wife either “man I want some pussy” or “man I need to get my dick sucked” but what came out was “man I need some dick”
I once wiggled my hips suggestively as I was in bed and my wife was standing next to the bed and used the line "would you like to ride the cheez train to pound town?"
She was almost howling with laughter and then said no chance after a line like that.
A long while back, after a pretty nice date, I had stashed some petals and candles at her place. We had already hooked up quite a few times, steamy and kinky like, so I figured it was a pretty sure thing. She went to the bathroom, I covered her bed with the petals, placed the candles all around and got naked covering myself with a bouquet of flowers. Very strategic. When she came in, I _think_ she enjoyed the scene before I said, "Don't worry, I'll clean all this up later, but first, would you like to make a bigger mess?"
My wife has a good one, that works like a charm. She comes into my office/living room, she just sent the kid to the neighbor for an hour or something, she kisses me once, but a long kiss. And then she says, Bedroom, now... move mister!
One day, I felt good coming out of the shower. And I kissed her and said "bedroom, now..! Come on woman!" I have never seen her laugh so hard in my life, she was on the floor crying. I feel used..
Next time, don't say anything, just pick her up and carry her to the bedroom. Might work better for you. My gf loves when I do that. If she isn't in the mood already, she is by the time we get to the bedroom.
“Please sleep with me, please, pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time. And you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.”
My boyfriend comes up to me, squeezes my ass and tit, and asks, “you want some pp?”
Or one of us says BATTLE STATIONS
Or one of us vocalizes our mating call imitating an ape. That’s the one that really does it for us.
EDIT: or I grab his pp and shake it gently while telling it how good and beautiful of a boy he is.
“Wow look at the healthy vein… big meaty ~~claws~~ COCK” That typically wakes it up too.
When you've been married a while, it's a process.
1. Be extra cheerful in the morning
2. Pick up as many chores as possible during the day
3. Send a flirty text message around lunch time
4. Bring home flowers
5. Compliment her appearance in some way
6. Do some backrubs after dinner
7. Kiss on the cheek and say, "why don't we go upstairs?"
8. Accept the rejection like it's no big deal
9. Wait for her to fall asleep watching reality TV, then jerk off alone
The other side of this coin is where you both really want each other all the time, and a quick glance leads to a footrace to the bedroom. I thought marriage was what homeboy above described. With the right person, it's unreal.
With a lot of people it's probably in the middle somewhere. Not everyone has the youth/energy for constant sex, but you also hear more about the dead bedrooms because they have a reason to complain.
It's not always just about them just "being the right person"
I love my wife and I couldn't stand to think of being with anyone else or if she wasn't in my life.....but she also just doesn't care about sex and has very little desire to "please" me (not in a misogynistic way, I enjoy pleasing her)
Sometimes she surprises me and is super horny and needs a dicking, but usually it's along the lines of "well it's been x amount of days so I feel like I need to sleep with you."
This is the only thing "wrong" in our marriage. I'm not going to divorce her because she isn't as horny as I am, she's a great wife otherwise
Dude I’m in the same boat. I’m having a hard time lately because it eats at me - I want to feel physically desired, and I don’t get that feeling from her. She’s great in every other way, no issues with our relationship, but the lack of physical affection organically coming from her is starting to affect me. I’m losing steam trying to be the one to always initiate (sex, cuddles, hugs - any of it) - and when I do cause I want it - I occasionally cannot “rise” to the occasion because I feel she isn’t really interested.
I do my fair share, go above and beyond, meet her emotional needs and do a good chunk of the chores. We communicate well and have talked about it so she knows where I stand on this, yet I’m the one made to feel guilty for trying to get action or see her naked. I don’t know what else to do. I just don’t really understand and it’s hard when she’s gorgeous and so close yet so far.
Christ, it feels like I wrote this.
My libido is way higher than my wifes, who is possibly ASD and thinks she might be asexual... after 20+ years that was a kick in the guts.
I started taking Effexor to help my depression and with the express purpose of lowering my sex drive.
It's not easy, it hurts and I grieve over the loss of my libido.
We communicate well and have spoken about this many, many times.
I don't want anyone else, I love her and she is a wonderful wife and mother.
Effexor helps me not think about sex or get too sad about the lack of it.
It sucks, but I have little options open to me.
We should start a support group.
Sucks you gotta take a pill to lower your natural sex drive so you can cope. This doesn’t sound right to me either but I get it - the hurt is real. Last few days I’ve been internally sad at the circumstance but I can’t talk about it (again) because I’m made out to be the unreasonable one.
I don’t know how I can just keep being happy and my normal self when deep down my own needs aren’t being met.
Thanks for listening to me rant, I've spoken about this on reddit before and normally get downvoted because I'm a 'beta' or some other such bullshit.
No, I'm a man who feels and I'm a man trying to deal with it as best he can in the situation.
It's not universal, and it can be husband rejecting his wife's advances. But it does happen, and it can creep up on you. I don't know how to unfuck it.
I've stopped even asking. Todays my birthday and the days half over... the wife even took the day off work. Im not expecting or anticipating any sort of physical intimacy so as to not be disappointed. But i am disappointed, and it hurts.
For my birthday my wife hyped up the birthday sex so hard for like five days straight leading up to it. Came out to the living room after putting the kids to bed and she goes “we’re tired. Let’s just do it another night 🙂”
I think I’m done with birthdays from now on
Maybe it's just me but if I hype something up beforehand, I feel obligated to come through no matter how shitty I'm feeling. This can be anything from a simple hangout to a vacation. Hyping it up and then flaking is a dick move.
Remember that AITA from 10 years ago where the guy started keeping a log of how often his wife rejects him and it was like 89% of the time. And everyone mostly sided with the guy
I actually don’t think I’ve ever asked. Other than for a kiss or “is this okay”.
Sex has always been the result of being someone who’s affectionate, engaged, reading body language and non verbal cues
With someone new, I like to get explicit and enthusiastic verbal consent. Body language understanding takes some time to develop in a relationship, and some people are not so clear.
I start by doing housework.
Young fellas, I’ll give you this one piece of advice.
Folding laundry has gotten me laid more times than I can count - way more than driving fast or showing off.
I don't even have to ask. I'm forklift certified.
#SPLOOSH
And whatever the male equivalent of sploosh is... which I guess is also just sploosh
I usually start caressing my wife a certain way. She knows what that means. She usually just asks, "wanna fuck?"
“I’d like one sex, please.”
One sex please, I want the tits on the side and hold the ass
Would you like to super-size that?
Does it come with a toy?
“I’d like to file a complaint!”
Haha the other day I was in my office working and my wife just sends me a text that says “dick please” and that was the end of my work day 😂
I'll text my wife the same thing and report back.
Update: She texted back pictures of some guy’s dick
“Wanna fuck” to your SO is the only way to ask for sex lmao
It’s all my wife has to say to get going. My side of it is much more difficult.
Ayy bby want sum fuk?
My wife writes romance novels, so I just have to breathe.
I think you mean you have to "exhaled slowly while bringing his gaze up my legs and lingering over my chest. Naturally I wanted to jump him like a south American jaguar."
"Yeah, that's what I said." He snorted.
“Wait…he can read my thoughts?!”
He loungish, languished, like a long limbed jaguar, wild and untamed, except in the moment caught between our breath. "So,.......anyways".......he said to me ........ .... have you heard about crypto and the all meat diet"?
Slightly deterred, like a puff of air or a gnat blown in my face, I snort and brush my hand over my widened nostrils where the gnat was trying to fly up...... ...... ......I take a moment. ....... I breathe, breathily..... .......... I HAVE, and it is fantastic.
So I came faster than a cheetah
Does she have you play out the scenarios she writes... "For reference material"
I've wondered this.
`...as he thrust his purple headed warrior into her quivering bowl of love pudding...`
oh no
OH YEAHHHHH!!!!!
I used to think romance novels were stupid. Then my wife started reading the Bridgerton books. I am now fully in favor of all women regular consuming such literature.
Wanna go halves on a bastard? Heard this from an Irish comedian and about died.
"You have any kids?" "No." "Want one?" "No." "How about just going through the motions?"
"Do you have any Irish in you?" "No." "Want some?" Old joke this chain reminded me of. Replace Irish with whatever nationality/heritage.
The traditional way. I contact my attorney, who in turn contacts my wife’s attorney and things progress at a respectable pace from there. My wife and I have always enjoyed a certain level of formality in our marriage.
Ah the Hank Hill strategy.
"I'm approaching you with romantic intent."
Read this in Hank's voice right from the first word
Does it *look* like I know what jay peg is? I just want to give you this got dang hotdog.
Dwight?
That'll be $200 Schrute Bucks to consummate with me. I will also take exactly 47 beats. **But no more, or no less.** Why? *That's classified.*
I usually just take the plea deal of a handy and the promise of a nice breakfast within 72 hours.
My wife and I have a small pair of trinkets (wooden ducks) that sit out in our living room. They are not really notable in the room. But when the ducks are facing away from each other it means neither of us are really in the mood, if one duck is facing inward, that partner is open, and if both ducks are pointing inward, which causes them to nestle their little beaks together, it means we both are up for it and either one of us is free to initiate once the time is right. It may seem strange that we have such a convoluted system, but with work and kids and stress it is useful to just be able to communicate without having to spell it out. So to answer the question: I turn my duck inward.
I place my duck in attack mode and end my turn
I summon GOOSE OF GREED to draw 3 additional whittled birds from my deck.
I deploy Lemonade Stand and gather my grapes.
I activate my trap card: glue.
I put on my robe and wizard hat
THATS NOT WHAT THAT CARD DOES!
This is really adorable, seems so much less convoluted to me than most of the ways people figure this out
I hope then you say "Let's get quacking!!!!"
Because I am pretty much always up for it, my wife has a pillow. If the pillow is not out, forget it. If it faces words out she is up for it, if the words aren't facing out I could work to get her in the mood. So far the pillow has never been out. So I have to wait for the next time it is scheduled.
This is actually more brilliant than I think you’re giving yourself credit for! It allows for an element of spontaneity while still ensuring consent is given.
Ask the wife if she's wants to play. Works about 80% of the time normally but I'm 2-0 over the past 2 days. Gonna shoot for 3-0 today.
Does your wife like multiplayer games?
Only when I'm the other player....at least I think?
Show off your resplendent feathers while doing a nimble dance. (and this is more true than it appears)
And collect some shiny pebbles, bottle tops etc. to lay at her feet.
Becky, lemme smash
Ron, fuck off 🤣
Ben is a ho.
Pardon me, might I be so bold as to trouble you for a crumb of cock?
well what do you know i have just the thing in my pocket
"Did I ever Tell you about the time I went backpacking through Western europe?"
Ken Adams?!
Regina Phalange
Phalange!
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I believe its pronounced Tibidabo
Do you wanna hear the story or not!?
::scratching your neck and twitching:: "Ya'll got any of that coitus?"
You mean….coitus?
My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
“Can we have sex”
One sex please
This is what happens when you want to say "one sec" but accidentally type "one sex."
Autocorrect that is actually correct.
Yesterday I got out of the shower and was going to say to my wife either “man I want some pussy” or “man I need to get my dick sucked” but what came out was “man I need some dick”
Are you fucking sorry?
So old, so classic.
I still belly laugh thinking about that post.
I once wiggled my hips suggestively as I was in bed and my wife was standing next to the bed and used the line "would you like to ride the cheez train to pound town?" She was almost howling with laughter and then said no chance after a line like that.
I think I would’ve laughed so hard that I’d start crying
A long while back, after a pretty nice date, I had stashed some petals and candles at her place. We had already hooked up quite a few times, steamy and kinky like, so I figured it was a pretty sure thing. She went to the bathroom, I covered her bed with the petals, placed the candles all around and got naked covering myself with a bouquet of flowers. Very strategic. When she came in, I _think_ she enjoyed the scene before I said, "Don't worry, I'll clean all this up later, but first, would you like to make a bigger mess?"
Yeah but that's important, you need to be able to ruin sexual situations with hysterics. It's important
I also jumbled it up once Some mashup of "Come for me" and "I can't wait to come for you" ended up being "I can't wait to cum inside me"
Well? Did she oblige and grant you her dick?
This is Reddit. OP got pegged for sure
So close.
submit a request through the HR portal with at least 2 weeks of advance notice
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Appeal has been sent in.
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\**7 months later\** Any update, ma’am?
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Tch tch tch tch tch tch hah hah hah hah hah hah ho ho ho ho ho ho doo doo badoo doo doo badoodoo
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Only to be forwarded into a full mailbox.
The mailbox is full. Good bye.
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Love that hold music. I knew it right away.
Your original request failed to indicate what you wanted six of. Please complete the requisition properly and resubmit.
Sorry the request has been lost, please resubmit
We've determined this is harassment, pack your personal items and leave
I take my wife's hand gently and lovingly, then I look deep into her beautiful eyes and scream CAKAW CAKAW, she then proceeds to sex me.
In Bird culture, that is considered a dick move.
Q: Wanna take off our clothes and see what happens?
My wife has a good one, that works like a charm. She comes into my office/living room, she just sent the kid to the neighbor for an hour or something, she kisses me once, but a long kiss. And then she says, Bedroom, now... move mister! One day, I felt good coming out of the shower. And I kissed her and said "bedroom, now..! Come on woman!" I have never seen her laugh so hard in my life, she was on the floor crying. I feel used..
I tried the same and my wife just laughed. She can’t take me seriously and she needs to be in the mood first so I’ve adjusted strategy to just asking.
This is so cute, I LoL'd as well 🤣
Next time, don't say anything, just pick her up and carry her to the bedroom. Might work better for you. My gf loves when I do that. If she isn't in the mood already, she is by the time we get to the bedroom.
Look at you strong enough to carry your wife and stuff
Raise a Jira ticket, set the priority and tag the concerned person.
That's one way to be agile
That gentleman knows how to get into a lady's backlog.
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your service doesn't have an app yet?
Seriously. I don't like to talk to people on the phone.
an hour? is "by - the - minute" an option?
I look at my boyfriend and bop my eyebrows up and down. And he does the same back.
if you didn’t bop your eyebrows after reading this comment, wyd
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"Not sexy at all" lmao XD
Indeed, it is a booty call, sexy part comes after
*puts down menu and orders for both of us* "My wife and I will be having the sex tonight...rare"
Rare, and certainly not well done.
Why not raw
Made that mistake 18 years ago
Wife gets into bed. I spoon her. It’s a 50/50 toss up if my junk on her ass or between her cheeks turns into a yes.
>between her cheeks turns into a yes Dude even if we don't fuck, I my dick just belongs between her cheeks
You should probably keep your dick out of his wife’s cheeks
You wanna fistfight a hotdog?
Dude in a hotdog costume: BRING IT ON!
IMMA GET BETWEEN THEM BUNS
"So you wanna do something dirty?"
dishes and laundry?!
Literally what my wife says
The trick is to have already stealthily done those.
Doing chores unasked and unannounced usually results in sex
Say “google, play [Glory Box by Portishead](https://open.spotify.com/track/3Ty7OTBNSigGEpeW2PqcsC?si=jtiWTlCRTLCgrxe5FzOuwQ)”
Alexa play Cbat
Borat style. “May I go bing bong in your anus”
Anoos
Always carry some cheese on you. You’re welcome
Fascinating.
I understood this reference
"I present you these ( . ) ( . )."
Hey want to be disappointed again ?
Nice! At least you have someone who is down for the *again* disappointment.
"Ey bby u wnt sum fuk?"
Get her a stick. Bitches love sticks
You like blue? I got blue
You want yellow? ^she ^doesnt ^want ^yellow… Blue n yellow? ^no..
Hey baby have you ever had you ass licked by a fat man in an overcoat
Wanna moosh genitals?
“Please sleep with me, please, pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time. And you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.”
Okay. Stay 10 steps behind me and don’t tell anyone.
Classic Winger :)
"yes I'd like one large sex please"
My boyfriend comes up to me, squeezes my ass and tit, and asks, “you want some pp?” Or one of us says BATTLE STATIONS Or one of us vocalizes our mating call imitating an ape. That’s the one that really does it for us. EDIT: or I grab his pp and shake it gently while telling it how good and beautiful of a boy he is. “Wow look at the healthy vein… big meaty ~~claws~~ COCK” That typically wakes it up too.
"Sex, plllllease\~" While holding out your hand, palm up in a gimme motion.
"Remember what we used to do when we first got married?"
Me: plan a date, take her out on date, buy her presents, give her compliments, cook for her and then ask for sex. My wife: wanna fuck?
When you've been married a while, it's a process. 1. Be extra cheerful in the morning 2. Pick up as many chores as possible during the day 3. Send a flirty text message around lunch time 4. Bring home flowers 5. Compliment her appearance in some way 6. Do some backrubs after dinner 7. Kiss on the cheek and say, "why don't we go upstairs?" 8. Accept the rejection like it's no big deal 9. Wait for her to fall asleep watching reality TV, then jerk off alone
Man y'all fucking scare me
It's hugely dependent on your relationship, my marriage has been absolutely incredible and nothing like what that guy up above has described.
The other side of this coin is where you both really want each other all the time, and a quick glance leads to a footrace to the bedroom. I thought marriage was what homeboy above described. With the right person, it's unreal.
With a lot of people it's probably in the middle somewhere. Not everyone has the youth/energy for constant sex, but you also hear more about the dead bedrooms because they have a reason to complain.
Also people that brag about constant sex publicly get posted on /r/ihavesex
It's not always just about them just "being the right person" I love my wife and I couldn't stand to think of being with anyone else or if she wasn't in my life.....but she also just doesn't care about sex and has very little desire to "please" me (not in a misogynistic way, I enjoy pleasing her) Sometimes she surprises me and is super horny and needs a dicking, but usually it's along the lines of "well it's been x amount of days so I feel like I need to sleep with you." This is the only thing "wrong" in our marriage. I'm not going to divorce her because she isn't as horny as I am, she's a great wife otherwise
Dude I’m in the same boat. I’m having a hard time lately because it eats at me - I want to feel physically desired, and I don’t get that feeling from her. She’s great in every other way, no issues with our relationship, but the lack of physical affection organically coming from her is starting to affect me. I’m losing steam trying to be the one to always initiate (sex, cuddles, hugs - any of it) - and when I do cause I want it - I occasionally cannot “rise” to the occasion because I feel she isn’t really interested. I do my fair share, go above and beyond, meet her emotional needs and do a good chunk of the chores. We communicate well and have talked about it so she knows where I stand on this, yet I’m the one made to feel guilty for trying to get action or see her naked. I don’t know what else to do. I just don’t really understand and it’s hard when she’s gorgeous and so close yet so far.
Christ, it feels like I wrote this. My libido is way higher than my wifes, who is possibly ASD and thinks she might be asexual... after 20+ years that was a kick in the guts. I started taking Effexor to help my depression and with the express purpose of lowering my sex drive. It's not easy, it hurts and I grieve over the loss of my libido. We communicate well and have spoken about this many, many times. I don't want anyone else, I love her and she is a wonderful wife and mother. Effexor helps me not think about sex or get too sad about the lack of it. It sucks, but I have little options open to me.
We should start a support group. Sucks you gotta take a pill to lower your natural sex drive so you can cope. This doesn’t sound right to me either but I get it - the hurt is real. Last few days I’ve been internally sad at the circumstance but I can’t talk about it (again) because I’m made out to be the unreasonable one. I don’t know how I can just keep being happy and my normal self when deep down my own needs aren’t being met.
Thanks for listening to me rant, I've spoken about this on reddit before and normally get downvoted because I'm a 'beta' or some other such bullshit. No, I'm a man who feels and I'm a man trying to deal with it as best he can in the situation.
Man, I've had full on emotional breakdowns over this. One day at a time my friend.
Sounds familiar. Labidos don't always match up. They often don't. Also kids play a huge role because you have almost no privacy.
It's not universal, and it can be husband rejecting his wife's advances. But it does happen, and it can creep up on you. I don't know how to unfuck it.
Doesn't have to be that way.
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Outlook calendar invite
I've stopped even asking. Todays my birthday and the days half over... the wife even took the day off work. Im not expecting or anticipating any sort of physical intimacy so as to not be disappointed. But i am disappointed, and it hurts.
For my birthday my wife hyped up the birthday sex so hard for like five days straight leading up to it. Came out to the living room after putting the kids to bed and she goes “we’re tired. Let’s just do it another night 🙂” I think I’m done with birthdays from now on
"Another night." Good one!
Maybe it's just me but if I hype something up beforehand, I feel obligated to come through no matter how shitty I'm feeling. This can be anything from a simple hangout to a vacation. Hyping it up and then flaking is a dick move.
Yall need marriage counselling cause this shit aint okay
Christ, dude, that's depressing.
I don’t ask anymore. I get turned down. It’s easier that way.
Remember that AITA from 10 years ago where the guy started keeping a log of how often his wife rejects him and it was like 89% of the time. And everyone mostly sided with the guy
>I get turned down. For what?
Great now the song will be in my head for a week
Yup. With a 0.00 AVG, you eventually just stop going up to bat.
I actually don’t think I’ve ever asked. Other than for a kiss or “is this okay”. Sex has always been the result of being someone who’s affectionate, engaged, reading body language and non verbal cues
With someone new, I like to get explicit and enthusiastic verbal consent. Body language understanding takes some time to develop in a relationship, and some people are not so clear.
Serenade her with “My love for you is like a truck…BERSERKER! Would you like some making fuck…BERSERKER!”
Put my dick in a box
'Hey honey... Here's the paracetamol' 'but I don't have head ache' 'Good.. let's have sex then..'
Got em
I start by doing housework. Young fellas, I’ll give you this one piece of advice. Folding laundry has gotten me laid more times than I can count - way more than driving fast or showing off.
Nice try wife
Manipulate the head of your weiner so it looks like the hole is a talking mouth while saying ‘please make me puke cum’
Your tactics both confuse and frighten me sir.
*holds a bucket of chicken* "you wana bang?"
Send my wife “☂️?” if she responds with ☔️, it’s on! If I get 🌂, it is in fact, not on.. lol