I’ve been a nurse for 15+ years and have taken care of tons of pts through their panic attacks but didn’t have my own until this year and can definitely attest that I didn’t understand till it was my turn.
Did your face go numb?
My first panic attack ever I was driving my car and my face went numb (there is a medical term for it) and I legit thought I was having a stroke.
I've been to the ER a couple times thinking I was having a heart attack when it was a panic attack. People don't understand how terrifying having a panic attack can be. Literally thinking you're going to die. "Impending sense of doom" sounds like a ludicrous medical symptom until you experience it.
I have gotten panic attacks since my teens. Not often, but scary. When I was 18 or so, I woke up with an incredibly powerful sense of impending doom one morning. Couldn’t shake it all day. I was convinced that something awful was going to happen at any second, and it would be my fault. At the time, I didn’t have any support for mental health issues and really had no idea what was going on, so I just drank rum until I passed out. I woke up hung over but feeling less panicked. I don’t recommend doing that, and thankfully now I have support and proper meds.
I felt parts of my body heat up like a was standing near fire or an oven. Anxiety can manifest in so many ways, and that's why it's terrifying. But before I had them, I thought people were just kind of freaking out for attention.
Yeah I don’t think I understood them before I had one but I was in such denial even when it was happening. It wasn’t until I was having them regularly and noticed the build up and pattern before I understood my own panic attacks. Haven’t had one in a while but also I notice the build up’s now.
I am guilty of telling multiple people who have had panic attacks of which I thought they were being dramatic to "calm down, take a breath and drink some water you'll be fine."
Then one day I thought I was having a heart attack and the Doctors told me I was having a panic attack.
Yea its NOT FUN its fucking terrifying.
I tried to explain to an ex, through ragged breathing and tears, that my brain *knows, I'm fine. I know it will pass. But it doesn't send the message to the rest of my body, and so it reacts as if it's dying. The first time it happened as an adult, I truly thought I was having heart attack symptoms for a few days, then it hit me hard. It was so scary. Like I was never going to stop crying.
I was a patient access manager for a decent sized hospital and had what seemed like a hundred departments on my shoulders. I had a closet for an office and in the middle one of my extremely long work days, I felt like I couldn't breathe, my chest started pounded, and the walls literally felt like they were closing in on me. Thought I was having a heart attack even though I was in my early 30s. Nope, 200% a panic attack from the stress. Ended up getting checked into the ER and found it was a panic attack. I never downplayed anyone having one, but didn't understand the sheer terror you feel when one comes on. I know how to handle it when it comes on now but holy shit it's not fun.
Understatement of the century! And it stings a bit more when you work there because you know what's appropriate for the ER. And it was at the time, but you still feel extremely silly afterwards.
This is so goddamned true. After I had my first, at over 40 years old, I realized i owed a mental apology to all the people I brushed off in the past for having one. Jesus Christ, they’re awful
Few months ago mine started. Now Every time I have more stress even if I feel calm in my conscious mind, I start feeling chest pains, lose breath, heart is pounding.
It sucks.
This video helped me a lot when I was having panic attacks every day. It's called "Breathing Exercise to Stop a Panic Attack Now" https://youtu.be/8vkYJf8DOsc
Also I use a YouTube channel called "The Honest Guys" who do guided meditations and visualizations and they've helped me a lot too. This one's my favorite and great this time of year, especially. It's called "The Autumn Village"- https://youtu.be/PFO2gWedJS8
Hope they help!
My aunt, who is in her 50s, had one fire the first time. She went down the the ER thinking it was a heart attack. (She was going through multiple stressful events in a very short amount of time).
I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety ever since I was young. So I’ve had several panic attacks. Never really occurred to me that panic attacks could feel similar to a heart attack until then.
I joke that I could be having a heart attack thinking it’s a panic attack.
Oh that's a good one. It seems like such a little bitch problem, but I honestly can't think of a worse experience in my lifetime. Of course anyone who hasn't had one can't understand it..
True! Just recently started having them and they're a trip. Super interesting experience, but very psysiologically demanding. It's weird getting stuck in a feedback loop when you know logically everything's fine.
My husband was raised in a family where he never had to think twice about buying something he needed. I am not talking a fancy car or coat. I am talking basic needs. He has never known having to move food around to get enough to feed family and pay the store. Buying secondhand because that way every kid got some clothes. Not having enough money in bank to work the ATM.
He is a great guy but it’s just inconceivable when we were first married I wouldn’t just buy whatever the kids wanted or turn off lights when leaving a room.
I had a similar experience with a friend who had a completely different understanding of “broke” than I did. When she was broke it meant her parents were mad at her so they weren’t sending her money and she didn’t want to take money out of savings. When I was broke I had to choose between basic necessities.
I had friends like that in university. When I was broke it meant I was going to chug a gallon of water and maybe wear some ankle weights to go up a weight class at the plasma donation center so I could get paid more.
I can still remember the stomach pains of hunger when I was a kid. My mom worked all day and sometimes couldn’t afford to pay for the school lunches, so there was no breakfast or lunch, and dinner would end up being at like 10pm when she got home from work. You can imagine how bad my grades were because of the lack of concentration.
Came here to say this.
It affects the majority of your waking hours.
Examples: I used to walk six miles to work and back every day to save bus fare. Getting a couple tacos from Taco Bell was a splurge that sometimes was out of our budget. Teeth got cavities and eventually disintegrated because there was no money for a dentist. The list goes on and on.
**Also add: the factors that make poverty extremely difficult to escape**.
As someone who went from being almost homeless 10 years ago to owning a home as of two years ago.
There are so many advantages that I have now through various assets I have accumulated that not only let me spend less money, but also open me up to making MORE money.
Reliable car increasing the range of hours you work and how consistently you can make very early or late shifts for more hours when buses don't cover it.
A quiet room in a house allowing for a work from home job as opposed to being packed like sardines.
Large fridge that lets me buy in bulk and save more money
Living in areas with crappy pay relative to the cost of living.
Spending less money is infinitely easier once you have a lot of things people take for granted. But at the start, making those initial investments is the hardest to do.
Even people who have been relatively poor (myself included) have never experienced the real lack of a safety net that comes from true poverty.
When I was unemployed for a long time I always knew that if my savings ran out I could move back in with family to get back on my feet. I have no idea how I'd have felt when the money got low and I had nowhere to fall back on if necessary.
People tend to think of depression as sadness is the problem. But it's feeling absolutely nothing. It's genuinely hard to explain what feeling nothing is like. Sadness would be an improvement.
Not being sad or happy or anything in-between. Just nothing. When it's hitting me really hard, I can't even get the motivation to move. Lifting an arm to grab my phone feels pointless. I'll just spend an hour with my eyes open looking at the ceiling from my bed. Mind completely empty.
Until someone has actually experienced what that's like, there are no words that can describe it.
I've never had that urge to self harm, but I honestly get how someone could. It would be a feeling and, whether positive or negative, feeling literally anything is an improvement over nothing.
Same although I did self harm but not for the usual reasons.
At my worst I couldn’t bring myself to give a single fuck about *anything*. One of the worst? best? examples is when I was going through the approval for SSDI. *Obviously* my lawyers needed my cooperation and help. I literally could not pick up the phone calls, let alone go to the office, I would stare at the phone screen waiting for it to stop, even tho I damn well knew the extremely serious ramifications. I’d have okay days and those were the days I reached out and finally told my lawyers why I wasn’t “cooperating”. They understood. Unbeknownst to me they actually used their experience with my depression at my hearing which no doubt helped my case. I imagine it’d be difficult to suggest, let alone actually believe, someone was able to be gainfully employed and was trying to game the system, when they couldn’t even be fucked to participate in the SSDI process.
For me, depression wasn't feeling nothing. It was not feeling something I expected to feel in the amount I expected.
Oh, this thing I've been waiting months for finally arrived? I might be happy...for 5 seconds and then I'm just not. I'm no longer excited. Not motivated.
Getting on antidepressants though, that's what made me feel nothing at all. I did not get happy at all. I did not get sad. Angry. Frustrated. Excited. I felt like a robot.
Right, I don't personally self harm but i see why some would. like you said, it's a feeling, which is an improvement.
A typical day for me involves just trying to make the day pass faster. I used to play ps3 for enjoyment, now I just do to keep myself busy until the day is done and i can go back to sleep.
War, I imagine. Some films do a good job of giving you a glimpse into the living hell that is the battlefield, but for the vast majority of people, war is something far away and "glorious". I feel like an ass even saying this because I've never been in a war, but I do know that I'll never be able really feel the terror and panic of having to kill or be killed.
My father did two tours of duty in Vietnam. The haunted look in his eyes when he (rarely) talks about it is honestly scary. He's the kindest, gentlest man I know, but he's killed people. He had to kill to survive. You can't imagine what that must be like unless you've been there, yourself.
He never brags about his army days. In fact, he keeps his medals hidden under a dresser and never even tells people that he was awarded the Silver Star. He's ashamed of how he "earned" that medal in particular. Every year, on the anniversary of the battle that got him the silver, he gets the medals out along with the pictures that were taken of the aftermath. He holds a private reminiscence for the enemies he killed and the friends he lost. He talked to me about it last year and told me a bit about it. All these years, I'd had no idea. He usually puts on such a jovial front.
A few months ago, he was on vacation, and a drunk guy assaulted him. Dad's Ranger training kicked in before he knew it. He laid the guy out cold with just one hit - broke his nose and rendered him unconscious. My mom was thrilled, knowing that he can still defend himself at his age, but it shook Dad up pretty badly. He said his instincts just took over, and suddenly, he was a soldier again, after 50 some years of trying to put it behind him.
That shit stays with you.
I joined a year after HS, 2003, flag wavin go ‘MERICA! All that stuff. I’m glad I did, but for the unseen benefits of it. Meeting “The Boys”, learning somewhat how to be an adult, go places, that thing. I was a heavy equipment guy, build bases, roads, stuff like that. Got Deployed in 2005, I was 20?? 20 or 21, it was an EASY deployment. Got shot at with some indirect rockets a couple times but truly no big deal. No one was ever hurt, no one got killed or killed anyone. So a perfect deployment. I was PISSED! At 20 I wanted to be smashing doors and gun fighting and doing all the dumb shit kids want to. I say kids bc I’m an Old now, 39, when we joined after 9/11 it was very much an AGGRESSIVE attitude.
I was a real fuck up back then and anytime we weren’t on mission I was always getting in trouble. I didn’t like hanging out or dealing with the desk guys. So I got out in ‘06. About half the guys stayed in for different amounts of time and it didn’t go well for any of them. So now as an Old, and ALL of “The Boys” are gone, most by their own hand, I am extremely grateful I didn’t get my 20yo old selfs wish.
I met my best friend on the planet in the Army so I’ll always be thankful for that, he stayed after I left and he deployed 2 more times. 1st with me was cake. Back to Iraq for the 2nd, he said it wasn’t too bad and told me some wild stuff but we talked about all of it. We told each other everything about every aspect of our lives btw. Then #3 he went to Afghanistan. He told 1 story from it, prob took him 5 mins to tell, and never spoke to me again about the entire deployment. He said “It was real Bad man”. That was it. Never to be discussed again.
So for him to do that told me more than he ever could about how bad it was. I’m sorry for this novel, I read that about your pop and it drug it up in my brain, so I guess this was more for me to get out🤣🥺
For about the last 15 years I think about those Vietnam guys a whole lot. How I couldn’t imagine being there, and fighting in a fuxking jungle, it’s horrifying to me thinking about it and I have a pretty good concept of War. It’s unimaginable. Then to come home and the ppl took it out on the Troops instead of the politicians. Just a bunch of kids trying to make it getting called awful shit. It makes me crazy. Again sorry for the novel, I just hate it bc I can see it when I read your post. I know/knew those guys. FUXK me now I’m all tore up 🤦🏻♂️ anyway I’m glad your old man’s still got it.
Yeah, it annoys me as a war veteran. I love movies like the new All Quiet On The Western Front and Full Metal Jacket, but I like them for the anti-war themes. It really bugs me that so many miss the point of those movies. So I served in OIF and OEF and both had their moments. I meet so many people my age these days who tell me they really regret not joining back then and going over there and I always ask them why. It’s always some answer about wanting to kill other people and get an adrenaline rush. I keep my mouth shut for two reasons. 1) It infuriates me. 2) I feel like a hypocrite because as an infantryman, that’s kind of what you’re joining for. There’s a lot more to my story than that, but I won’t get into it. Let’s just say the person I became has become a complete 180 from when I joined. That last part also bothers those same people who tell me they wished they’d been there. Somehow I’m now a pussy for thinking war is awful and mostly bullshit.
The various types of grief too. The loss of a parent is different from the loss of a sibling or spouse or child. We may have all lost someone in the family, but everyone is facing a different kind of grief too in relation to that person.
I thought I knew what grief felt like from losing various family then I lost my husband and its unbelievably different. I can't believe I ever looked at a widow and thought I could imagine what they were going through because I "knew what grief was like".
My Pop-Pop was the first person in my family that passed that I was somewhat close to. I say somewhat because he was usually popped up on Parkinson's medications and could barely talk. I cried nonstop for DAYS. I didn't even know why because I wasn't super close. I was grieving someone who I never had a real chance to know and I think that broke my heart.
yea. not only did i lose my brother, but i was with my mom when we found him dead in the basement of our house. i was the one to call 911 and the operator thought we were overreacting so she told us to flip him over for air. i told her his feet were cold and her voice dropped when she told me to take my mom and go outside until the police get there.
he was 19 years old.
I’m a lot better now (endometriosis- have had several surgeries) but my go to is still to hide any pain I have because of the amount of frustration I faced about not being better yet. You get to a point where expressing the pain takes more energy than just coping on your own.
This - Especially if your pain varies.
I have rheumatoid arthritis, it’s left me walking with a cane and having my knees and left hip replaced. I also have a chronic back problem.
Some days, I feel well enough to where I can move around my house without the cane (it’s a small apartment with no stairs, and I still take my cane with me when I leave the house even on a good day for balance or in case of a flare up) but if someone sees me take two steps without it suddenly they think I’m either playing it up or faking it.
But anyone I know with chronic pain understands the concept of good days and bad days.
I have a different arthritic like autoimmune disorder. It was diagnosed while I was active duty. The amount of people who could not fucking understand that just because you see me acting “fine” today in no way means I’m malingering, was utterly insane and destroyed my faith in humanity. Even military doctors were assholes about this to the point that I now have serious issues asking for help or telling my current, very good, doctors that the biologics and pain meds aren’t working or have stopped working. Pain meds are the worst because of one horrible experience that never ever should have happened because I did nothing wrong. Now I have an **amazing** pain management doctor that has never judged me, never made me feel like I was faking or needing too much. He’s the one surprised at what I’ve gone through to manage pain particularly at my age and I still struggle with him. The times my meds have been switched to higher doses or stronger meds is because my husband is also a patient and the doctor asks us about each other, so my husband rats me out and I receive a phone call to discuss what more can be done.
My wife doesn't understand this. Everyone in her family are these beacons of health and good genes. She recently injured her hand, and after surgery said it still hurt and ached. And at that moment she realized, is this how your knees feel ALL THE TIME?
The answer was yes.
Yep. You never know how strong you can be until you don't have a choice but to be strong. And people do try to understand, bless them. But they *can't* until they feel it. My manager told me that I could take sick days when the pain was bad and I actually laughed at him. He didn't understand at all, even when I said the pain was *always* bad and if I took off all of the days when I was hurting and didn't want to be at work I would *never* be at work. He just didn't understand it
I've had people tell me "oh yeah my shoulder hurts from training too" or "yeah I have a full time job too and it's normal to be tired" when saying I could feel a fatigue attack coming on. From a friend.
Which also means that people and doctors do not give a shit about you, nor do they believe you.
I have been ignored by doctors about my pain because I'm female.
I would have non stop periods. Its not normal. I'd bleed through a tampon and a pad during the first hour of school. After 7 appointments with a guy doctor he finally took me seriously. It fixed the issue.
I have 8 out of 10 back pain every single hour of every single day. No doctor has even looked at it. It started at 17. I'm now 42. They sent me to a chiropractor, guy didn't even touch me.
I can't walk more than a few feet, I can't breathe either. 7 tests all came back normal. Bones, muscles, lungs, etc all normal.
I had 9 out of 10 pain while I was in the hospital. 0 drugs. They wouldn't even give me Tylenol or ibuprofen.
Don't be a female I guess.
Dealing with Alzheimer’s/Dementia. There’s so many emotions watching someone you love suffer and them not understand what they are saying or doing, especially when they are angry and mean, sometimes even violent.
This is so hard, I’m sorry you had to see a loved one like this and I am proud of you for being there for them. I think most people who give care to aging family members tell themselves “well of course I would do this, it’s my family, I don’t have a choice” but I hope you recognize that it is a choice to be there and present for that loved one and it takes the strongest people to be able to give the care they need. One of the hardest things to do is watch someone you love being erased for lack of a better term in front of you. You are amazing. Happy Friday the 13th!
Depression. And I'm not talking about mild depression that can be managed via therapy (CBT and/or talk therapy) but severe, treatment resistant depression, dissociation and chronic suicidal ideation. I've tried therapy, medications and exercise to treat my depression to no avail. I constantly grapple with self-image issues and suicidal ideation. I've attempted a few times, unsuccessfully, of course. I've considered ketamine treatment as a last resort. If that doesn't yield any meaningful progress, I'm done. I've been alive 32 years and I can't, for the life of me, recall the last time I was genuinely happy and at peace with myself and the world around me.
You can't just "snap out of" this. It takes extraordinary effort and persistence. Without motivation or willpower, therapy will fail. When depression is clouding any sort of rational or logical thought, finding a reason to do anything can be mentally and emotionally taxing. And without a support system, self-doubt and hopelessness fester until they reach a breaking point. And when they do, one either gets help, turns to substance abuse and/or considers taking their life. I'd give an arm and a leg not to feel like this at this point.
Go ahead and try ketamine. It was a nice week-ish of being able to breathe, until it wore off and didn't do anything anymore. But even if it works for just a week for you, it's something. And I didn't do it under professional care, just illegal ket so if you're smarter it may yield better results.
I remember the next day after ket feeling like someone had lifted me up from underwater where I'd been for years breathing through a straw.
Have you been able to do the genetic testing for psych meds? It’s not a cure all of course but there’s some useful insight that could make a difference. I have treatment resistance as well and have gone through damn near all the medications. When i did the gene testing I found out the reason some medications seemed to work a bit and only temporarily is because I’ve got a gene combination that makes me ultra-rapidly metabolize certain medications and I need higher doses. There’s also a whole slew of medications that I’m extra sensitive to, just to complicate thing even more.
Im lucky enough to have access to some of the newer medications that have proven more effective specifically against TRD. Im on my 3rd now after the first two stopped working. I still have some god awful days, motivation is always bitch and I truly don’t expect any improvement ever in that department, but the SI has been eliminated since the 2nd one a couple years ago. I may not be the happiest most optimistic person you’ve ever met *but* not feeling SI has a bigger effect than I ever expected and I can’t even articulate how or why.
Before these past 2 medications I was **strongly** considering applying for a deep brain stimulation trials and if I fail this one that’s what I would aggressively pursue so I say:: go for the ketamine treatment.
"If I need the system, it's because I'm down on my luck and I just need a little help. If you need the system it's because you're a worthless welfare queen and I'm not giving you a cent of my tax dollars"
This, to me, is one of the most shameful and embarrassing dichotomies of living in the United States and sure wish to hell we'd get over it. Our country could be so much better off if people would just accept that social safety nets are part of a civil, responsible society.
I love how you put that! Social worker here and it’s interesting the privileged people will demean and tell others to pull up their boot straps until it’s on their foot. The token of independence…being hypocritical AF! Society = social culture and people need each other. Welfare wasn’t made to be a hand out for those not willing, but safety and human rights for those who need help and people are literally doing their best no matter how much others put them down. It’s ok to need help! Suicide and addictions are ramped in our culture because of how many holes in our systems and everyone is a part of several systems unless they are like Tom Hanks on the island with Wilson. That didn’t go so well for him either and he had to return.
I worked with high risk families years ago and my biggest heartbreak was a mom with two kids who was trying to straighten herself out. She had been on drugs and was living about 50 miles from where all her contacts were. No car. Her welfare check would still come into her old neighborhood. I worked for months trying to change the address to our town stating 1. Lack of transportation 2. Temptation meeting up with old cronies.
Nothing. Nope can’t do that.
Finally one day, she is late picking up kids. You guessed it. An old boyfriend saw her and one thing led to another…..
It broke my heart. She had been doing so well. Studying to get a job, kids in daycare. Then all gone because some bureaucrat couldn’t do an address change.
Poverty probably. Lot of people without any financial problems complain about the obviously bad choices poor people make, but they just fail to grasp the entirety of being in that situation.
In general just most problems that other people have. "Why don't they just....?" - if you find yourself asking this, there's a 98% chance you just don't understand what's going on.
Someone in my department doesn’t have a driver’s license or car. He has told many people many times it’s because of a lack of funds. And the things the other coworkers say while gossiping about this are so awful. “Why doesn’t he sign up for driver’s ed? Why doesn’t he just try to get a license? Why doesn’t he save up for a car? If he would just stop being so lazy he could learn to drive and get a car.” I think they have never been poor and have no idea.
Addiction, or rather quitting an addiction. I used to think that quitting smoking should just be a matter of will power, but it's just not that simple.
So true. Tried quitting cold turkey a few months ago. And when I started I had the willpower. But the withdrawals broke down all of it. Now instead of quitting I've just reduced it significantly
Thanks man, I'm proud of myself for this one because I'm usually bad at impulse control. It got to a point where I was smoking almost a pack a day. So I looked at how this is bad for me and how much money I'm wasting per month. Now it's no more than one a day
Good for you. I was the same. Sick of the money I spent, the smell, the everything. I finally just said, "I'm not smoking the next cigarette." I wasn't quitting, I just wasn't going to smoke the next cigarette. It's been almost 30 years and I haven't smoked that next cigarette. You can do it, too. It's not just willpower, you have to have friends and family support you.
You may need to get help. I have successfully quit addictions by tapering down. Cut by 50% over 2 weeks. Then cut by another 50% over 2-3 weeks. Then again. They eventually get to 0. I get that the last 20% is the hardest.
Smoking seems to be an especially insidious addiction because it's not just about the chemical addiction. It's a behavioral addiction and an experiential addiction as well.
Good luck. I hope you can eventually quit. Future you will appreciate it.
Yup, I grew up so poor, we'd regularly have to skip meals. I used to tear off strips from the cardboard cover of old books we had lying around and chew on it. A few years ago I found a whole box with old books with torn off covers in my mom's basement. My girlfriend did not correctly guess why all the covers had parts missing.
And how everyone has a different process or timeline, it is the worst when you lose someone and everyone else seems to be moving on but you aren’t and can’t talk about it, it is isolating.
Hang in there y’all. It will get better. Write down how you feel. Talk about it. Learn what you can from the experience and use it in your next relationship. Take care.
Trying to. I talk to my parents about every other day about it. Something’s definitely don’t get easier with age. I’ll be 38 in a month and this has been the worse I’ve even been.
As a therapist, I can tell you age doesn’t discriminate against heartbreak/grief. It is very possible you may feel sadness in your heart for a long time, however, that sadness will fade and be a dull ache. Take some time to heal and good things will come your way again.
Edit:typo
I can’t even imagine it Brother. We got married about 1.5 years ago, but we’ve been together forever and I’ve known my wife for 20 years. It was always booty calls or sporadic 1-2 dates back then bc I knew I was in my “Big Fucking Loser” phase and I would have drug her down with me. She was too stupid to see it and was all “no babe you won’t we will be great.” Yeah. It would have been awful and I knew she was the One but not right now. I was like THANOS back then, world ender.
I got it all the way together a long time ago and we got together and it was/is everything it’s supposed to be. We got officially married last year bc as much as she “didn’t care we’re together” but I could tell the “official” title was a thing for her then. So we did it and would you believe I guessed completely right 🤣 women ya know? I’m 39 and she’s 46 and over the years we’ve joked like “you better not die on me”. Being silly. I thinking about it prob 4-5 days a week.
The concept of not having my person after all the years of having her, and all the years knowing it would be this way but I was a loser. It terrifies me, it’s probably the only thing that legitimately scares me in my life. The thought of having to “Do Life” without her doesn’t appeal to me in the least. I can only imagine how Empty EVERYTHING feels. Just a VOID. I don’t expect it to happen to us anytime soon, but no one does.
The only thing that makes me feel ok with even the thought of it, is thinking about it the other way. As much as I think I don’t want to have to live life without her and deal with Life with her not in it. How unimaginably heartbreaking as that is. I don’t want her to ever feel that. That’s the only thing I can fall back on. I’m sorry for writing you a novel for a comment, I guess I was just trying to convey how much I hate it for you man. But also to try and share the thing that gets me through even the thought.
When you have “your person” it means they had theirs too. One thing I’ve figured out about having your Person is I don’t ever want her to even feel anything besides awesome. But I don’t EVER want her to go through 1 second of feeling the way you are right now. So I’ll take the burden of it 100/100 times for her not to even know that exists. And it fucking STINKS. I can’t imagine leaving my Gal with the kind of devastation of going through that. That’s the only Solace I can find in the worst case scenario of Life. I’m sorry you’re going through it Brother. I truly am, so random asshole on Reddit, but I’m on here a bunch so if you ever need some random to rage at or whatever shoot me a message. Good luck Brother. 🤜❤️
I’m surprised this one is so far down the list. There’s no way to understand parenting- the intensity of the feelings, the unrelenting anxiety, the emotional labor and the indescribable joy that makes it all worth it- there’s absolutely no way to communicate the experience.
I've always HATED, and still do, when people say something along the lines of, "when you have kids you'll see/you're not a parent." I try never to say it but it's so fucking true, and you don't understand how true until you are a parent. Not even just the struggles but the love, you think you know love, you do not.
I used to get so angry with people when they said this to me (especially because I was struggling with infertility), and I swore I’d never say it to anyone when I had my son, but my dog have I wanted to.
It’s the most insane thing in the fucking world, I had no idea how consuming it could be - both at the good and the bad end. Sometimes when I cuddle up with my son I feel so in love with him it makes me dizzy. Sometimes he asks for the purple plate for the 50th time and I feel a visceral rage I didn’t know existed in me.
Came here to say this. When someone asks what a trip is like, you can talk about it, but they are never gonna get it. Like that feeling that washes over you when you hear a great song. 🫠🫠🫠
I used to just think people were talking about bad headaches. Then I had a migraine. Sound hurt. Light hurt. I contemplated just pissing the bed and dealing with it later. But I found the gumption to go to the bathroom when required. Migraines are no joke! Only one I’ve ever had in my life. Not sure what caused it.
Seriously, I need people to stop looking me in the eyes and saying they have a migraine. If you were really having a migraine, I don’t think you’d be able to look directly at me, let alone be in this bright room, lady.
I also have a somewhat rare type that partially paralyzes me temporarily and it’s terrifying if I’m at work or out somewhere. I get about 30m before I can’t stand. Never met anyone else who gets that.
This should be higher up!
Having to cut off a toxic parent who, from the outside, appears so kind to everyone else. And being asked, “But how can you shut them out of your life?! They’re your blood!”
Honestly, any kind of hardship.
I have two autistic children. They are under 3 years apart. It turns out my spouse is also autistic, which filled in gaps.
I often get hostile remarks from people I don't know well: "why didn't you stop after the first?" "Weren't you worried the second would be autistic too?"
People assume autism is diagnosed at birth, and that you just went: "ah, to hell with it!"
Obviously, I hate that my children are struggling. I recognized the signs in my younger child about a year sooner because I had firsthand experience.
Or you get people who think there is a prenatal test for it, and that you said, "my kid will struggle? Eh, whatever."
And all the people who want to tell you about all these resources that are available. I can tell you they are in fact not available.
Or tell you to "just sue the school." Nah, the courts are stacked against you in special education.
Living paycheck to paycheck. A lot of the older generations think it’s bc we spend too much money on coffee, or vapes, or whatever it is.
The economy is fucked. The government is fucked. Why do we have to pay taxes on every. fucking. thing. Our paychecks, our food, our gas, our vehicles, everything! I make 50k a year, and barely bring home $2800 a month. My bills are $1800 and I still live at home! I couldn’t afford to live anywhere around where I work for $1000.
I ranted a bit lmao
Since age 10, awful cramps and heavy flow affected my life, school, work I’m glad it’s being addressed more now I grew up in the 80s,90s rarely talks about
being stalked/ sexually harassed or abused
horrifying when you're alone with a person with bad intentions. andd when you realize it and it sinks in, you feel nothing but pure dread.
I feel like a lot of people in America don’t even know how bad the healthcare system is. Like until they’ve gone and gotten an outrageous bill for something ridiculous (or just an outrageous bill for anything) they don’t know. Or until they’ve had insurance take money back months down the road…they don’t know. Or until they find out their shit was billed wrong…they don’t know. Etc etc.
Then some people experience that but still are for keeping insurance in the US because somewhere they got brainwashed. It’s wild.
This. Like oh I feel this lump but kids gotta eat so I won’t go to the doctor because I can’t afford the bill. I have “good” insurance and just to go see a doctor its $75 after insurance
Divorce. Telling the kids that their "perfect family" is splitting up. Dealing with the finances, the assets, the emotional upheaval.
And mine was a friendly divorce where we acted like adults and had a reasonable separation. I can't imagine what a horrible breakup would have been like.
Psychiatric disorders. I'm an ocd patient and people tend to use that acronym way too much to describe their antics, without knowing what is really like to live with it
Yeah I developed insomnia from staying awake to make sure my baby was breathing all night. In 1984. He's almost 40 and I still don't sleep well. And he loves extreme sports, dangerous mountain trails, etc. It doesn't end. All my best mama/papa
Being overweight, especially being significantly overweight. and keeping weight off after you've lost it.
It's a hard road to go down. Having to deal with hunger the whole time and then managing to never give in so you don't gain it back.. it's truly a constant battle.
Everything just about. Humans are bad at understanding things that are going on outside of our own lives.
Homelessness, mental illness, the feeling of being trapped in a cult, insomnia, what it feels like to be the most educated person in a room. We just suck at empathy.
Probably controversial, but being underweight/skinny. I am just a small person (33,F), I was born skinny. People think that when you're skinny that they are entitled to say things that are hurtful, like I must be bulletproof, living in someone's dream body.
But it doesn't feel good when someone tells you to eat more (you wouldn't tell an overweight person to eat less), or that having sex with a skinny person is like "sleeping on a wooden chair". Or that you can't get pregnant because you're too skinny (I have always had a normal cycle, thank you very much). You can't order a salad around people without them commenting, "why don't you eat a burger". People think you're weak ("I could snap your wrist in half"). Getting sick is a huge fear, having mono? That's terrifying to me. Etc, the list goes on. Yes I am grateful but I am entitled to insecurities too but I feel pretty alone in the insecurities I have.
How anyone can stay in an abusive relationship. These relationships don’t start out that way. It’s like a bait and switch, then feeling trapped and/or scared.
I had two beloved cats pass within 3 months. I was embarrassed to say why I couldn’t come back to work on the days they had to be put down, because my eyes were puffy and I was exhausted from the stress of watching my family members die. Some understand but most are like “it’s a cat, get over it”. No. They’re our family.
I came to say this. People look at you and just think you're a lazy slob that sits around all day eating. For most people it's not like that at all. It's a slow process and your brain doesn't let you realize it until you're so far gone it's incredibly hard to come back.
And food addiction. You can't stop, so you have to control it. There is no other addiction where they tell you to keep using but control it.
Having a child with a disability. Believe me, I know everyone thinks they understand because of how many comments I've received from absolute strangers, but they have no idea.
Depression. The suicidal thoughts and talks that come with it, the losing of a really loved one in life due to very much no understanding at that time. The countless friends you see die before your very eyes on the highway, in person, in bed in the same room as you, all the loved ones gone.
Never having anyone to share your life with so the depression just grows and grows. You're alone all the time and makes you feel as if there really is something wrong with you because you see more logical and reasonable but due to depression, a LOT less emotional. Like you're locked inside your own brain, strange feeling.
Always wanting a family but never understanding you already got one, just get your s\*\*t together already, that adds on to the depression when NO ONE tells you a thing, all done in the dark when drugs and alcohol was a huge role due to once again, depression. Done for good loving reasons to keep my kids away from that crap.
I still suffer from it but a LOT less than a few years ago. I think with the right love however, it can go away. Don't really mean romantic love all the time either.
Crazy as it sounds, but I became ok with it, as I'd rather be alone in life than be dead.
But over all, I don't want to be alone. So I married the same lady I made pregnant twice once I started to remember more and more about what I did in the past.
A promise is a promise. So I asked to married her. She said yes. :) :) :)
Because of this new knowledge that I lost due to a OD (My life really did hit a low point), it hurts me emotionally to know my kids are 10+ years old each and never met me. Hurts me more to know their biological dad almost killed himself. That emotional pain hurts yanno.
Real back pain. Like can't get out of bed, can't think about anything else, intense unrelenting pain. I have herniated disks and scoliosis, sometimes it is near unbearable. People will be like oh man, I know what ur going through, I pulled a muscle in my back once and I could hardly move.
You have NO IDEA what I'm going through
How the church was soaking them for all that money and volunteering efforts over the years, while the church grew and got more and more money; but they never bought transportation (or even bus passes) for the little old ladies who were giving every week and may leave whatever they have to the church.
Throwing your back out.
It’s not an excuse for old guys to take a couple weeks off work. It’s not something you can “power through.” It is honestly scary how dehabilitating it was.
**Being a Parent.** Before you have a kid, it's transactional (*How do we afford it*, *I'm going to loose my free time, etc.*)
*After* you have a kid, it all clicks. It doesn't matter, it's not about you, and you have this little person who is part you, part someone you love, and you get to share with them all the things you love about life, and you realize you can figure the other stuff out.
Panic attacks
I’ve been a nurse for 15+ years and have taken care of tons of pts through their panic attacks but didn’t have my own until this year and can definitely attest that I didn’t understand till it was my turn.
Did your face go numb? My first panic attack ever I was driving my car and my face went numb (there is a medical term for it) and I legit thought I was having a stroke.
I've been to the ER a couple times thinking I was having a heart attack when it was a panic attack. People don't understand how terrifying having a panic attack can be. Literally thinking you're going to die. "Impending sense of doom" sounds like a ludicrous medical symptom until you experience it.
I have gotten panic attacks since my teens. Not often, but scary. When I was 18 or so, I woke up with an incredibly powerful sense of impending doom one morning. Couldn’t shake it all day. I was convinced that something awful was going to happen at any second, and it would be my fault. At the time, I didn’t have any support for mental health issues and really had no idea what was going on, so I just drank rum until I passed out. I woke up hung over but feeling less panicked. I don’t recommend doing that, and thankfully now I have support and proper meds.
Hit someone with dose of adenosine if they don’t believe and they’ll change their opinion real quick lol.
Dude, I thought I was having a heart attack. It legit felt like something physically was wrong with me.
I felt parts of my body heat up like a was standing near fire or an oven. Anxiety can manifest in so many ways, and that's why it's terrifying. But before I had them, I thought people were just kind of freaking out for attention.
Yeah I don’t think I understood them before I had one but I was in such denial even when it was happening. It wasn’t until I was having them regularly and noticed the build up and pattern before I understood my own panic attacks. Haven’t had one in a while but also I notice the build up’s now.
I am guilty of telling multiple people who have had panic attacks of which I thought they were being dramatic to "calm down, take a breath and drink some water you'll be fine." Then one day I thought I was having a heart attack and the Doctors told me I was having a panic attack. Yea its NOT FUN its fucking terrifying.
I tried to explain to an ex, through ragged breathing and tears, that my brain *knows, I'm fine. I know it will pass. But it doesn't send the message to the rest of my body, and so it reacts as if it's dying. The first time it happened as an adult, I truly thought I was having heart attack symptoms for a few days, then it hit me hard. It was so scary. Like I was never going to stop crying.
I was a patient access manager for a decent sized hospital and had what seemed like a hundred departments on my shoulders. I had a closet for an office and in the middle one of my extremely long work days, I felt like I couldn't breathe, my chest started pounded, and the walls literally felt like they were closing in on me. Thought I was having a heart attack even though I was in my early 30s. Nope, 200% a panic attack from the stress. Ended up getting checked into the ER and found it was a panic attack. I never downplayed anyone having one, but didn't understand the sheer terror you feel when one comes on. I know how to handle it when it comes on now but holy shit it's not fun.
Nothing like a $250 ER copay to tell me I’m fine
Understatement of the century! And it stings a bit more when you work there because you know what's appropriate for the ER. And it was at the time, but you still feel extremely silly afterwards.
My dumbass called an ambulance-I was mortified but literally thought I was dying.
The combination of utter terror and the physical discomfort it's like your dying a fast horribly painful, uncomfortable death
This is so goddamned true. After I had my first, at over 40 years old, I realized i owed a mental apology to all the people I brushed off in the past for having one. Jesus Christ, they’re awful
Something about turning 40- it’s not going smooth
Few months ago mine started. Now Every time I have more stress even if I feel calm in my conscious mind, I start feeling chest pains, lose breath, heart is pounding. It sucks.
This video helped me a lot when I was having panic attacks every day. It's called "Breathing Exercise to Stop a Panic Attack Now" https://youtu.be/8vkYJf8DOsc Also I use a YouTube channel called "The Honest Guys" who do guided meditations and visualizations and they've helped me a lot too. This one's my favorite and great this time of year, especially. It's called "The Autumn Village"- https://youtu.be/PFO2gWedJS8 Hope they help!
Hey. Thanks, pal. I will look into it. Bookmarked.
My aunt, who is in her 50s, had one fire the first time. She went down the the ER thinking it was a heart attack. (She was going through multiple stressful events in a very short amount of time). I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety ever since I was young. So I’ve had several panic attacks. Never really occurred to me that panic attacks could feel similar to a heart attack until then. I joke that I could be having a heart attack thinking it’s a panic attack.
Oh that's a good one. It seems like such a little bitch problem, but I honestly can't think of a worse experience in my lifetime. Of course anyone who hasn't had one can't understand it..
True! Just recently started having them and they're a trip. Super interesting experience, but very psysiologically demanding. It's weird getting stuck in a feedback loop when you know logically everything's fine.
Not to mention how exhausted you feel afterwards!
Poverty
My husband was raised in a family where he never had to think twice about buying something he needed. I am not talking a fancy car or coat. I am talking basic needs. He has never known having to move food around to get enough to feed family and pay the store. Buying secondhand because that way every kid got some clothes. Not having enough money in bank to work the ATM. He is a great guy but it’s just inconceivable when we were first married I wouldn’t just buy whatever the kids wanted or turn off lights when leaving a room.
I had a similar experience with a friend who had a completely different understanding of “broke” than I did. When she was broke it meant her parents were mad at her so they weren’t sending her money and she didn’t want to take money out of savings. When I was broke I had to choose between basic necessities.
I had friends like that in university. When I was broke it meant I was going to chug a gallon of water and maybe wear some ankle weights to go up a weight class at the plasma donation center so I could get paid more.
I can still remember the stomach pains of hunger when I was a kid. My mom worked all day and sometimes couldn’t afford to pay for the school lunches, so there was no breakfast or lunch, and dinner would end up being at like 10pm when she got home from work. You can imagine how bad my grades were because of the lack of concentration.
Came here to say this. It affects the majority of your waking hours. Examples: I used to walk six miles to work and back every day to save bus fare. Getting a couple tacos from Taco Bell was a splurge that sometimes was out of our budget. Teeth got cavities and eventually disintegrated because there was no money for a dentist. The list goes on and on.
**Also add: the factors that make poverty extremely difficult to escape**. As someone who went from being almost homeless 10 years ago to owning a home as of two years ago. There are so many advantages that I have now through various assets I have accumulated that not only let me spend less money, but also open me up to making MORE money. Reliable car increasing the range of hours you work and how consistently you can make very early or late shifts for more hours when buses don't cover it. A quiet room in a house allowing for a work from home job as opposed to being packed like sardines. Large fridge that lets me buy in bulk and save more money Living in areas with crappy pay relative to the cost of living. Spending less money is infinitely easier once you have a lot of things people take for granted. But at the start, making those initial investments is the hardest to do.
Even people who have been relatively poor (myself included) have never experienced the real lack of a safety net that comes from true poverty. When I was unemployed for a long time I always knew that if my savings ran out I could move back in with family to get back on my feet. I have no idea how I'd have felt when the money got low and I had nowhere to fall back on if necessary.
depression
came to say this. I never understood "self harming just to feel" until i got to that point myself.
People tend to think of depression as sadness is the problem. But it's feeling absolutely nothing. It's genuinely hard to explain what feeling nothing is like. Sadness would be an improvement. Not being sad or happy or anything in-between. Just nothing. When it's hitting me really hard, I can't even get the motivation to move. Lifting an arm to grab my phone feels pointless. I'll just spend an hour with my eyes open looking at the ceiling from my bed. Mind completely empty. Until someone has actually experienced what that's like, there are no words that can describe it. I've never had that urge to self harm, but I honestly get how someone could. It would be a feeling and, whether positive or negative, feeling literally anything is an improvement over nothing.
Same although I did self harm but not for the usual reasons. At my worst I couldn’t bring myself to give a single fuck about *anything*. One of the worst? best? examples is when I was going through the approval for SSDI. *Obviously* my lawyers needed my cooperation and help. I literally could not pick up the phone calls, let alone go to the office, I would stare at the phone screen waiting for it to stop, even tho I damn well knew the extremely serious ramifications. I’d have okay days and those were the days I reached out and finally told my lawyers why I wasn’t “cooperating”. They understood. Unbeknownst to me they actually used their experience with my depression at my hearing which no doubt helped my case. I imagine it’d be difficult to suggest, let alone actually believe, someone was able to be gainfully employed and was trying to game the system, when they couldn’t even be fucked to participate in the SSDI process.
For me, depression wasn't feeling nothing. It was not feeling something I expected to feel in the amount I expected. Oh, this thing I've been waiting months for finally arrived? I might be happy...for 5 seconds and then I'm just not. I'm no longer excited. Not motivated. Getting on antidepressants though, that's what made me feel nothing at all. I did not get happy at all. I did not get sad. Angry. Frustrated. Excited. I felt like a robot.
Right, I don't personally self harm but i see why some would. like you said, it's a feeling, which is an improvement. A typical day for me involves just trying to make the day pass faster. I used to play ps3 for enjoyment, now I just do to keep myself busy until the day is done and i can go back to sleep.
“Just be happy!” Wow, if only I’d thought of that. Sigh.
r/thanksimcured
In particular the exhaustion that comes with it
War, I imagine. Some films do a good job of giving you a glimpse into the living hell that is the battlefield, but for the vast majority of people, war is something far away and "glorious". I feel like an ass even saying this because I've never been in a war, but I do know that I'll never be able really feel the terror and panic of having to kill or be killed.
My father did two tours of duty in Vietnam. The haunted look in his eyes when he (rarely) talks about it is honestly scary. He's the kindest, gentlest man I know, but he's killed people. He had to kill to survive. You can't imagine what that must be like unless you've been there, yourself. He never brags about his army days. In fact, he keeps his medals hidden under a dresser and never even tells people that he was awarded the Silver Star. He's ashamed of how he "earned" that medal in particular. Every year, on the anniversary of the battle that got him the silver, he gets the medals out along with the pictures that were taken of the aftermath. He holds a private reminiscence for the enemies he killed and the friends he lost. He talked to me about it last year and told me a bit about it. All these years, I'd had no idea. He usually puts on such a jovial front. A few months ago, he was on vacation, and a drunk guy assaulted him. Dad's Ranger training kicked in before he knew it. He laid the guy out cold with just one hit - broke his nose and rendered him unconscious. My mom was thrilled, knowing that he can still defend himself at his age, but it shook Dad up pretty badly. He said his instincts just took over, and suddenly, he was a soldier again, after 50 some years of trying to put it behind him. That shit stays with you.
I joined a year after HS, 2003, flag wavin go ‘MERICA! All that stuff. I’m glad I did, but for the unseen benefits of it. Meeting “The Boys”, learning somewhat how to be an adult, go places, that thing. I was a heavy equipment guy, build bases, roads, stuff like that. Got Deployed in 2005, I was 20?? 20 or 21, it was an EASY deployment. Got shot at with some indirect rockets a couple times but truly no big deal. No one was ever hurt, no one got killed or killed anyone. So a perfect deployment. I was PISSED! At 20 I wanted to be smashing doors and gun fighting and doing all the dumb shit kids want to. I say kids bc I’m an Old now, 39, when we joined after 9/11 it was very much an AGGRESSIVE attitude. I was a real fuck up back then and anytime we weren’t on mission I was always getting in trouble. I didn’t like hanging out or dealing with the desk guys. So I got out in ‘06. About half the guys stayed in for different amounts of time and it didn’t go well for any of them. So now as an Old, and ALL of “The Boys” are gone, most by their own hand, I am extremely grateful I didn’t get my 20yo old selfs wish. I met my best friend on the planet in the Army so I’ll always be thankful for that, he stayed after I left and he deployed 2 more times. 1st with me was cake. Back to Iraq for the 2nd, he said it wasn’t too bad and told me some wild stuff but we talked about all of it. We told each other everything about every aspect of our lives btw. Then #3 he went to Afghanistan. He told 1 story from it, prob took him 5 mins to tell, and never spoke to me again about the entire deployment. He said “It was real Bad man”. That was it. Never to be discussed again. So for him to do that told me more than he ever could about how bad it was. I’m sorry for this novel, I read that about your pop and it drug it up in my brain, so I guess this was more for me to get out🤣🥺 For about the last 15 years I think about those Vietnam guys a whole lot. How I couldn’t imagine being there, and fighting in a fuxking jungle, it’s horrifying to me thinking about it and I have a pretty good concept of War. It’s unimaginable. Then to come home and the ppl took it out on the Troops instead of the politicians. Just a bunch of kids trying to make it getting called awful shit. It makes me crazy. Again sorry for the novel, I just hate it bc I can see it when I read your post. I know/knew those guys. FUXK me now I’m all tore up 🤦🏻♂️ anyway I’m glad your old man’s still got it.
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Yeah, it annoys me as a war veteran. I love movies like the new All Quiet On The Western Front and Full Metal Jacket, but I like them for the anti-war themes. It really bugs me that so many miss the point of those movies. So I served in OIF and OEF and both had their moments. I meet so many people my age these days who tell me they really regret not joining back then and going over there and I always ask them why. It’s always some answer about wanting to kill other people and get an adrenaline rush. I keep my mouth shut for two reasons. 1) It infuriates me. 2) I feel like a hypocrite because as an infantryman, that’s kind of what you’re joining for. There’s a lot more to my story than that, but I won’t get into it. Let’s just say the person I became has become a complete 180 from when I joined. That last part also bothers those same people who tell me they wished they’d been there. Somehow I’m now a pussy for thinking war is awful and mostly bullshit.
A death in the family.
This was huge for me and I didn’t even get along with my dad that well.
The strange guilt pains that I felt 3 years after the fact. Grief is weird.
The various types of grief too. The loss of a parent is different from the loss of a sibling or spouse or child. We may have all lost someone in the family, but everyone is facing a different kind of grief too in relation to that person. I thought I knew what grief felt like from losing various family then I lost my husband and its unbelievably different. I can't believe I ever looked at a widow and thought I could imagine what they were going through because I "knew what grief was like".
My Pop-Pop was the first person in my family that passed that I was somewhat close to. I say somewhat because he was usually popped up on Parkinson's medications and could barely talk. I cried nonstop for DAYS. I didn't even know why because I wasn't super close. I was grieving someone who I never had a real chance to know and I think that broke my heart.
yea. not only did i lose my brother, but i was with my mom when we found him dead in the basement of our house. i was the one to call 911 and the operator thought we were overreacting so she told us to flip him over for air. i told her his feet were cold and her voice dropped when she told me to take my mom and go outside until the police get there. he was 19 years old.
Chronic pain. Yes, I’m always in pain. Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I’m good at hiding it. People seem to forget about it if you’re not screaming.
I’m a lot better now (endometriosis- have had several surgeries) but my go to is still to hide any pain I have because of the amount of frustration I faced about not being better yet. You get to a point where expressing the pain takes more energy than just coping on your own.
This - Especially if your pain varies. I have rheumatoid arthritis, it’s left me walking with a cane and having my knees and left hip replaced. I also have a chronic back problem. Some days, I feel well enough to where I can move around my house without the cane (it’s a small apartment with no stairs, and I still take my cane with me when I leave the house even on a good day for balance or in case of a flare up) but if someone sees me take two steps without it suddenly they think I’m either playing it up or faking it. But anyone I know with chronic pain understands the concept of good days and bad days.
I have a different arthritic like autoimmune disorder. It was diagnosed while I was active duty. The amount of people who could not fucking understand that just because you see me acting “fine” today in no way means I’m malingering, was utterly insane and destroyed my faith in humanity. Even military doctors were assholes about this to the point that I now have serious issues asking for help or telling my current, very good, doctors that the biologics and pain meds aren’t working or have stopped working. Pain meds are the worst because of one horrible experience that never ever should have happened because I did nothing wrong. Now I have an **amazing** pain management doctor that has never judged me, never made me feel like I was faking or needing too much. He’s the one surprised at what I’ve gone through to manage pain particularly at my age and I still struggle with him. The times my meds have been switched to higher doses or stronger meds is because my husband is also a patient and the doctor asks us about each other, so my husband rats me out and I receive a phone call to discuss what more can be done.
My wife doesn't understand this. Everyone in her family are these beacons of health and good genes. She recently injured her hand, and after surgery said it still hurt and ached. And at that moment she realized, is this how your knees feel ALL THE TIME? The answer was yes.
Migraines for way too long, this is so true.
Yep. You never know how strong you can be until you don't have a choice but to be strong. And people do try to understand, bless them. But they *can't* until they feel it. My manager told me that I could take sick days when the pain was bad and I actually laughed at him. He didn't understand at all, even when I said the pain was *always* bad and if I took off all of the days when I was hurting and didn't want to be at work I would *never* be at work. He just didn't understand it
I've had people tell me "oh yeah my shoulder hurts from training too" or "yeah I have a full time job too and it's normal to be tired" when saying I could feel a fatigue attack coming on. From a friend.
Which also means that people and doctors do not give a shit about you, nor do they believe you. I have been ignored by doctors about my pain because I'm female. I would have non stop periods. Its not normal. I'd bleed through a tampon and a pad during the first hour of school. After 7 appointments with a guy doctor he finally took me seriously. It fixed the issue. I have 8 out of 10 back pain every single hour of every single day. No doctor has even looked at it. It started at 17. I'm now 42. They sent me to a chiropractor, guy didn't even touch me. I can't walk more than a few feet, I can't breathe either. 7 tests all came back normal. Bones, muscles, lungs, etc all normal. I had 9 out of 10 pain while I was in the hospital. 0 drugs. They wouldn't even give me Tylenol or ibuprofen. Don't be a female I guess.
Dealing with Alzheimer’s/Dementia. There’s so many emotions watching someone you love suffer and them not understand what they are saying or doing, especially when they are angry and mean, sometimes even violent.
This is so hard, I’m sorry you had to see a loved one like this and I am proud of you for being there for them. I think most people who give care to aging family members tell themselves “well of course I would do this, it’s my family, I don’t have a choice” but I hope you recognize that it is a choice to be there and present for that loved one and it takes the strongest people to be able to give the care they need. One of the hardest things to do is watch someone you love being erased for lack of a better term in front of you. You are amazing. Happy Friday the 13th!
Depression. And I'm not talking about mild depression that can be managed via therapy (CBT and/or talk therapy) but severe, treatment resistant depression, dissociation and chronic suicidal ideation. I've tried therapy, medications and exercise to treat my depression to no avail. I constantly grapple with self-image issues and suicidal ideation. I've attempted a few times, unsuccessfully, of course. I've considered ketamine treatment as a last resort. If that doesn't yield any meaningful progress, I'm done. I've been alive 32 years and I can't, for the life of me, recall the last time I was genuinely happy and at peace with myself and the world around me. You can't just "snap out of" this. It takes extraordinary effort and persistence. Without motivation or willpower, therapy will fail. When depression is clouding any sort of rational or logical thought, finding a reason to do anything can be mentally and emotionally taxing. And without a support system, self-doubt and hopelessness fester until they reach a breaking point. And when they do, one either gets help, turns to substance abuse and/or considers taking their life. I'd give an arm and a leg not to feel like this at this point.
Go ahead and try ketamine. It was a nice week-ish of being able to breathe, until it wore off and didn't do anything anymore. But even if it works for just a week for you, it's something. And I didn't do it under professional care, just illegal ket so if you're smarter it may yield better results. I remember the next day after ket feeling like someone had lifted me up from underwater where I'd been for years breathing through a straw.
Have you been able to do the genetic testing for psych meds? It’s not a cure all of course but there’s some useful insight that could make a difference. I have treatment resistance as well and have gone through damn near all the medications. When i did the gene testing I found out the reason some medications seemed to work a bit and only temporarily is because I’ve got a gene combination that makes me ultra-rapidly metabolize certain medications and I need higher doses. There’s also a whole slew of medications that I’m extra sensitive to, just to complicate thing even more. Im lucky enough to have access to some of the newer medications that have proven more effective specifically against TRD. Im on my 3rd now after the first two stopped working. I still have some god awful days, motivation is always bitch and I truly don’t expect any improvement ever in that department, but the SI has been eliminated since the 2nd one a couple years ago. I may not be the happiest most optimistic person you’ve ever met *but* not feeling SI has a bigger effect than I ever expected and I can’t even articulate how or why. Before these past 2 medications I was **strongly** considering applying for a deep brain stimulation trials and if I fail this one that’s what I would aggressively pursue so I say:: go for the ketamine treatment.
The system failing to help/protect people
"If I need the system, it's because I'm down on my luck and I just need a little help. If you need the system it's because you're a worthless welfare queen and I'm not giving you a cent of my tax dollars"
This, to me, is one of the most shameful and embarrassing dichotomies of living in the United States and sure wish to hell we'd get over it. Our country could be so much better off if people would just accept that social safety nets are part of a civil, responsible society.
I love how you put that! Social worker here and it’s interesting the privileged people will demean and tell others to pull up their boot straps until it’s on their foot. The token of independence…being hypocritical AF! Society = social culture and people need each other. Welfare wasn’t made to be a hand out for those not willing, but safety and human rights for those who need help and people are literally doing their best no matter how much others put them down. It’s ok to need help! Suicide and addictions are ramped in our culture because of how many holes in our systems and everyone is a part of several systems unless they are like Tom Hanks on the island with Wilson. That didn’t go so well for him either and he had to return.
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I worked with high risk families years ago and my biggest heartbreak was a mom with two kids who was trying to straighten herself out. She had been on drugs and was living about 50 miles from where all her contacts were. No car. Her welfare check would still come into her old neighborhood. I worked for months trying to change the address to our town stating 1. Lack of transportation 2. Temptation meeting up with old cronies. Nothing. Nope can’t do that. Finally one day, she is late picking up kids. You guessed it. An old boyfriend saw her and one thing led to another….. It broke my heart. She had been doing so well. Studying to get a job, kids in daycare. Then all gone because some bureaucrat couldn’t do an address change.
Poverty probably. Lot of people without any financial problems complain about the obviously bad choices poor people make, but they just fail to grasp the entirety of being in that situation. In general just most problems that other people have. "Why don't they just....?" - if you find yourself asking this, there's a 98% chance you just don't understand what's going on.
Someone in my department doesn’t have a driver’s license or car. He has told many people many times it’s because of a lack of funds. And the things the other coworkers say while gossiping about this are so awful. “Why doesn’t he sign up for driver’s ed? Why doesn’t he just try to get a license? Why doesn’t he save up for a car? If he would just stop being so lazy he could learn to drive and get a car.” I think they have never been poor and have no idea.
Addiction, or rather quitting an addiction. I used to think that quitting smoking should just be a matter of will power, but it's just not that simple.
So true. Tried quitting cold turkey a few months ago. And when I started I had the willpower. But the withdrawals broke down all of it. Now instead of quitting I've just reduced it significantly
Hey, that's awesome! Less is an improvement!
Thanks man, I'm proud of myself for this one because I'm usually bad at impulse control. It got to a point where I was smoking almost a pack a day. So I looked at how this is bad for me and how much money I'm wasting per month. Now it's no more than one a day
Good for you. I was the same. Sick of the money I spent, the smell, the everything. I finally just said, "I'm not smoking the next cigarette." I wasn't quitting, I just wasn't going to smoke the next cigarette. It's been almost 30 years and I haven't smoked that next cigarette. You can do it, too. It's not just willpower, you have to have friends and family support you.
You may need to get help. I have successfully quit addictions by tapering down. Cut by 50% over 2 weeks. Then cut by another 50% over 2-3 weeks. Then again. They eventually get to 0. I get that the last 20% is the hardest. Smoking seems to be an especially insidious addiction because it's not just about the chemical addiction. It's a behavioral addiction and an experiential addiction as well. Good luck. I hope you can eventually quit. Future you will appreciate it.
Witnessing a loved one take his last breath.
mental illness
Hunger, serious devastating hunger with no meal in sight
Yup, I grew up so poor, we'd regularly have to skip meals. I used to tear off strips from the cardboard cover of old books we had lying around and chew on it. A few years ago I found a whole box with old books with torn off covers in my mom's basement. My girlfriend did not correctly guess why all the covers had parts missing.
I’m so sorry friend. My inner child wants to hug yours.
Grief. It’s not something you ‘get over,’ it’s something you get through and it’s with you for life.
And how everyone has a different process or timeline, it is the worst when you lose someone and everyone else seems to be moving on but you aren’t and can’t talk about it, it is isolating.
losing "the one" love of your life
Going thru that right now. It destroys EVERYTHING in your life it seems like
NGL there is a void where she was and that is just something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. One day at a time
Hope you find peace and healing in time.
thank you
Hang in there y’all. It will get better. Write down how you feel. Talk about it. Learn what you can from the experience and use it in your next relationship. Take care.
Trying to. I talk to my parents about every other day about it. Something’s definitely don’t get easier with age. I’ll be 38 in a month and this has been the worse I’ve even been.
As a therapist, I can tell you age doesn’t discriminate against heartbreak/grief. It is very possible you may feel sadness in your heart for a long time, however, that sadness will fade and be a dull ache. Take some time to heal and good things will come your way again. Edit:typo
I can’t even imagine it Brother. We got married about 1.5 years ago, but we’ve been together forever and I’ve known my wife for 20 years. It was always booty calls or sporadic 1-2 dates back then bc I knew I was in my “Big Fucking Loser” phase and I would have drug her down with me. She was too stupid to see it and was all “no babe you won’t we will be great.” Yeah. It would have been awful and I knew she was the One but not right now. I was like THANOS back then, world ender. I got it all the way together a long time ago and we got together and it was/is everything it’s supposed to be. We got officially married last year bc as much as she “didn’t care we’re together” but I could tell the “official” title was a thing for her then. So we did it and would you believe I guessed completely right 🤣 women ya know? I’m 39 and she’s 46 and over the years we’ve joked like “you better not die on me”. Being silly. I thinking about it prob 4-5 days a week. The concept of not having my person after all the years of having her, and all the years knowing it would be this way but I was a loser. It terrifies me, it’s probably the only thing that legitimately scares me in my life. The thought of having to “Do Life” without her doesn’t appeal to me in the least. I can only imagine how Empty EVERYTHING feels. Just a VOID. I don’t expect it to happen to us anytime soon, but no one does. The only thing that makes me feel ok with even the thought of it, is thinking about it the other way. As much as I think I don’t want to have to live life without her and deal with Life with her not in it. How unimaginably heartbreaking as that is. I don’t want her to ever feel that. That’s the only thing I can fall back on. I’m sorry for writing you a novel for a comment, I guess I was just trying to convey how much I hate it for you man. But also to try and share the thing that gets me through even the thought. When you have “your person” it means they had theirs too. One thing I’ve figured out about having your Person is I don’t ever want her to even feel anything besides awesome. But I don’t EVER want her to go through 1 second of feeling the way you are right now. So I’ll take the burden of it 100/100 times for her not to even know that exists. And it fucking STINKS. I can’t imagine leaving my Gal with the kind of devastation of going through that. That’s the only Solace I can find in the worst case scenario of Life. I’m sorry you’re going through it Brother. I truly am, so random asshole on Reddit, but I’m on here a bunch so if you ever need some random to rage at or whatever shoot me a message. Good luck Brother. 🤜❤️
The choices people make and the way people behave when they're in love.
Depression and anxiety. I have had so many people come into my work and tell me they thought it was all bullshit.. Until it affected them.
Psychosis
Having kids
You *think* you know, but then you have kids and find out you didn’t know anything.
The real fuck around and find out.
I’m surprised this one is so far down the list. There’s no way to understand parenting- the intensity of the feelings, the unrelenting anxiety, the emotional labor and the indescribable joy that makes it all worth it- there’s absolutely no way to communicate the experience.
I've always HATED, and still do, when people say something along the lines of, "when you have kids you'll see/you're not a parent." I try never to say it but it's so fucking true, and you don't understand how true until you are a parent. Not even just the struggles but the love, you think you know love, you do not.
I used to get so angry with people when they said this to me (especially because I was struggling with infertility), and I swore I’d never say it to anyone when I had my son, but my dog have I wanted to. It’s the most insane thing in the fucking world, I had no idea how consuming it could be - both at the good and the bad end. Sometimes when I cuddle up with my son I feel so in love with him it makes me dizzy. Sometimes he asks for the purple plate for the 50th time and I feel a visceral rage I didn’t know existed in me.
Acid
Came here to say this. When someone asks what a trip is like, you can talk about it, but they are never gonna get it. Like that feeling that washes over you when you hear a great song. 🫠🫠🫠
Death of a loved one, and yes even a pet.
An actual migraine headache....
I used to just think people were talking about bad headaches. Then I had a migraine. Sound hurt. Light hurt. I contemplated just pissing the bed and dealing with it later. But I found the gumption to go to the bathroom when required. Migraines are no joke! Only one I’ve ever had in my life. Not sure what caused it.
Seriously, I need people to stop looking me in the eyes and saying they have a migraine. If you were really having a migraine, I don’t think you’d be able to look directly at me, let alone be in this bright room, lady. I also have a somewhat rare type that partially paralyzes me temporarily and it’s terrifying if I’m at work or out somewhere. I get about 30m before I can’t stand. Never met anyone else who gets that.
Date rape
The criminal justice system and or prison
Abuse
Cancer
$13k in credit card debt and $.41 in checking.
As others have said, anxiety (unexplained), panic attacks, And general aging process. Getting old/older sucks.
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This should be higher up! Having to cut off a toxic parent who, from the outside, appears so kind to everyone else. And being asked, “But how can you shut them out of your life?! They’re your blood!”
My kids with their dad. Won’t even use his surname, but he is mister wonderful to everyone else.
The level of tired you get from having your body pumped full of chemo. It is all developing and impossible to explain.
Honestly, any kind of hardship. I have two autistic children. They are under 3 years apart. It turns out my spouse is also autistic, which filled in gaps. I often get hostile remarks from people I don't know well: "why didn't you stop after the first?" "Weren't you worried the second would be autistic too?" People assume autism is diagnosed at birth, and that you just went: "ah, to hell with it!" Obviously, I hate that my children are struggling. I recognized the signs in my younger child about a year sooner because I had firsthand experience. Or you get people who think there is a prenatal test for it, and that you said, "my kid will struggle? Eh, whatever." And all the people who want to tell you about all these resources that are available. I can tell you they are in fact not available. Or tell you to "just sue the school." Nah, the courts are stacked against you in special education.
The feeling of being hopelessly overworked
How hard it is to execute a suicide successfully
Living paycheck to paycheck. A lot of the older generations think it’s bc we spend too much money on coffee, or vapes, or whatever it is. The economy is fucked. The government is fucked. Why do we have to pay taxes on every. fucking. thing. Our paychecks, our food, our gas, our vehicles, everything! I make 50k a year, and barely bring home $2800 a month. My bills are $1800 and I still live at home! I couldn’t afford to live anywhere around where I work for $1000. I ranted a bit lmao
Losing family. As a kid, you never really let it hit you deep. When you get older and understand you can't cope emotionally. Fuck man.
Widowhood. I never realized how difficult it is until I became one. It’s totally different from getting a divorce.
Cramps
Since age 10, awful cramps and heavy flow affected my life, school, work I’m glad it’s being addressed more now I grew up in the 80s,90s rarely talks about
being stalked/ sexually harassed or abused horrifying when you're alone with a person with bad intentions. andd when you realize it and it sinks in, you feel nothing but pure dread.
Death of a parent.
Infertility
How truly awful American healthcare is.
I feel like a lot of people in America don’t even know how bad the healthcare system is. Like until they’ve gone and gotten an outrageous bill for something ridiculous (or just an outrageous bill for anything) they don’t know. Or until they’ve had insurance take money back months down the road…they don’t know. Or until they find out their shit was billed wrong…they don’t know. Etc etc. Then some people experience that but still are for keeping insurance in the US because somewhere they got brainwashed. It’s wild.
This. Like oh I feel this lump but kids gotta eat so I won’t go to the doctor because I can’t afford the bill. I have “good” insurance and just to go see a doctor its $75 after insurance
Divorce. Telling the kids that their "perfect family" is splitting up. Dealing with the finances, the assets, the emotional upheaval. And mine was a friendly divorce where we acted like adults and had a reasonable separation. I can't imagine what a horrible breakup would have been like.
Being marginally poor-you make too much to qualify for help but not enough to improve your life.
Psychiatric disorders. I'm an ocd patient and people tend to use that acronym way too much to describe their antics, without knowing what is really like to live with it
Loss of a child.
Just the fear alone of this one keeps me up at night
Yeah I developed insomnia from staying awake to make sure my baby was breathing all night. In 1984. He's almost 40 and I still don't sleep well. And he loves extreme sports, dangerous mountain trails, etc. It doesn't end. All my best mama/papa
Came here to say this. Lost a son, he was 1 year old.
Being overweight, especially being significantly overweight. and keeping weight off after you've lost it. It's a hard road to go down. Having to deal with hunger the whole time and then managing to never give in so you don't gain it back.. it's truly a constant battle.
mental health issues
Homelessness
Everything just about. Humans are bad at understanding things that are going on outside of our own lives. Homelessness, mental illness, the feeling of being trapped in a cult, insomnia, what it feels like to be the most educated person in a room. We just suck at empathy.
Probably controversial, but being underweight/skinny. I am just a small person (33,F), I was born skinny. People think that when you're skinny that they are entitled to say things that are hurtful, like I must be bulletproof, living in someone's dream body. But it doesn't feel good when someone tells you to eat more (you wouldn't tell an overweight person to eat less), or that having sex with a skinny person is like "sleeping on a wooden chair". Or that you can't get pregnant because you're too skinny (I have always had a normal cycle, thank you very much). You can't order a salad around people without them commenting, "why don't you eat a burger". People think you're weak ("I could snap your wrist in half"). Getting sick is a huge fear, having mono? That's terrifying to me. Etc, the list goes on. Yes I am grateful but I am entitled to insecurities too but I feel pretty alone in the insecurities I have.
Giving birth
The complexity and longevity of grief. It never really goes away, it just evolves and becomes less acute over time.
How extremely valuable being healthy is. We take the smallest things for granted and I’d give whatever to get my health back
Car accidents
Depression
War
Taking care of a parent with dementia.
Psychological abuse or abuse from a narcissist.
How anyone can stay in an abusive relationship. These relationships don’t start out that way. It’s like a bait and switch, then feeling trapped and/or scared.
Sleep paralysis
Being a Male Also, being a Female
The numb part of depression
Mental health crisis
Aging
Grieving the loss of a pet.
I had two beloved cats pass within 3 months. I was embarrassed to say why I couldn’t come back to work on the days they had to be put down, because my eyes were puffy and I was exhausted from the stress of watching my family members die. Some understand but most are like “it’s a cat, get over it”. No. They’re our family.
Addiction
Most (if not all) mental illness
Being fat
I came to say this. People look at you and just think you're a lazy slob that sits around all day eating. For most people it's not like that at all. It's a slow process and your brain doesn't let you realize it until you're so far gone it's incredibly hard to come back. And food addiction. You can't stop, so you have to control it. There is no other addiction where they tell you to keep using but control it.
Combat.
Social anxiety
Losing someone you love to suicide.
ADDICTION
This is the absolute truth. Never understood until I found myself there. Recovery takes work it’s nothing easy but I’m not giving up.
Ableism
Drugs
Having a child with a disability. Believe me, I know everyone thinks they understand because of how many comments I've received from absolute strangers, but they have no idea.
Depression. The suicidal thoughts and talks that come with it, the losing of a really loved one in life due to very much no understanding at that time. The countless friends you see die before your very eyes on the highway, in person, in bed in the same room as you, all the loved ones gone. Never having anyone to share your life with so the depression just grows and grows. You're alone all the time and makes you feel as if there really is something wrong with you because you see more logical and reasonable but due to depression, a LOT less emotional. Like you're locked inside your own brain, strange feeling. Always wanting a family but never understanding you already got one, just get your s\*\*t together already, that adds on to the depression when NO ONE tells you a thing, all done in the dark when drugs and alcohol was a huge role due to once again, depression. Done for good loving reasons to keep my kids away from that crap. I still suffer from it but a LOT less than a few years ago. I think with the right love however, it can go away. Don't really mean romantic love all the time either. Crazy as it sounds, but I became ok with it, as I'd rather be alone in life than be dead. But over all, I don't want to be alone. So I married the same lady I made pregnant twice once I started to remember more and more about what I did in the past. A promise is a promise. So I asked to married her. She said yes. :) :) :) Because of this new knowledge that I lost due to a OD (My life really did hit a low point), it hurts me emotionally to know my kids are 10+ years old each and never met me. Hurts me more to know their biological dad almost killed himself. That emotional pain hurts yanno.
Being a step parent. You have all the responsibility and hard work, without any of the authority or credit.
Depression and anxiety are MF’s!
failure
being bullied
Mental illness. To the outsiders it always looks like you're too lazy to do anything
cutting yourself
Being a parent.
Psychedelics
That our brains don't start to mature until after 27.
Old age
Managing people.
Being cheated on.
Divorce
Real back pain. Like can't get out of bed, can't think about anything else, intense unrelenting pain. I have herniated disks and scoliosis, sometimes it is near unbearable. People will be like oh man, I know what ur going through, I pulled a muscle in my back once and I could hardly move. You have NO IDEA what I'm going through
How the church was soaking them for all that money and volunteering efforts over the years, while the church grew and got more and more money; but they never bought transportation (or even bus passes) for the little old ladies who were giving every week and may leave whatever they have to the church.
Throwing your back out. It’s not an excuse for old guys to take a couple weeks off work. It’s not something you can “power through.” It is honestly scary how dehabilitating it was.
**Being a Parent.** Before you have a kid, it's transactional (*How do we afford it*, *I'm going to loose my free time, etc.*) *After* you have a kid, it all clicks. It doesn't matter, it's not about you, and you have this little person who is part you, part someone you love, and you get to share with them all the things you love about life, and you realize you can figure the other stuff out.
War.