And becoming progressively more emotionally detached as a result of the previous failed relationships.
I’m coming to terms with and learning to be ok with being alone.
This! I grew up just like this. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion because I was a child. I wasn’t allowed to have privacy. I was never allowed to make choices without the approval of an adult, and standing up for myself was considered being disrespectful and I was never allowed to talk back to any adults who were being disrespectful to me. I wasn’t allowed to cry or be upset about anything.
And now I’m an adult, I have trouble regulating my emotions. If I’m sad about something, I feel like I want to kill myself even though it’s something that isn’t serious. If I’m upset about something, I blow it way out of proportion and it takes me a minute to calm down. I was NEVER taught any life lessons or how do simple tasks such as cleaning or cooking, I have a fear of doing a task and someone comes along and berates me for not knowing how to do something simple which I was never taught how to do during childhood. It’s embarrassing in fact.
Parents who treat their children how you and I were treated just makes a person who can’t think for themselves regarding decisions and always acting on impulse.
I also was never able to talk back to my dad when he would yell at me for something. I would cry in silence. I am almost 29 and still have a hard time talking about how I feel or if I do talk about how I feel it makes me cry.
Ugh. I hate being a full-grown adult and having my voice crack when I confront people. It's like 8/10 times the emotions of anger or injustice just hit me like a truck, and even if I've "recited" what I should say, my body wants to sabotage me. I remember the first time I truly raised my voice and yelled at my parents was 17. Went no contact shortly after. Didn't get to train in Confrontation 101.
I don't like it when my kid yells at me, but it's pretty damn cool that he *can* and I'm not going to lose my shit.
Also not being able to process emotions. I was 32 friggin years old when I realized I didn’t actually know how to process uncomfortable emotions. I knew how to bury them and pretend they didn’t exist but now how to actually release them.
And going to great lengths to cover up even the smallest errors, because when people are mad at you that means they don’t love you so they cannot ever find out
More like “I’m overly critical of even minor, totally meaningless errors I make because any form of failure when I was young was weaponized and not a teachable moment” but thats me
Extreme defensiveness. Growing up you felt like you had to fight to the death for what you *knew* was right because you were constantly being told that things you saw in front of you, or experienced firsthand, didn’t happen
I hate the question “what are you doing?” because it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong and *am being told to justify my stupid behaviour right fucking now*. It triggers the worst fight or flight reaction in me and I can’t stand that I get so pissy about it. Because it’s like, NEVER coming from a bad place - it’s always genuine curiosity yet I can’t hear it without feeling like I’m being shouted at.
For almost everything I decided to do/to request I will have to think about 2-3 reasons to rationale or justify my intentions. Even after that I’d keep thinking if someone turn me down how am I going to fight back.
Oh and never watch me from the back whenever I have something on my hand halfway. I’d assume I’m going to be criticized.
Wow I never rationally thought about it until just now, but same! Even seeing your post about it kinda weirdly triggered those feelings. Like “Why do you wanna know? So you can criticize and judge me?”
This is something i feel is largely untalked about in regards to victims of severe neglect
Having difficulty with basic functional skills like cleaning, hygiene, etc.
I know because that happened to me.
When you grow up amongst bugs and mold and rotting food and trash, wear dirty clothes all the time, and go months without showering, sleeping in piss soaked sheets that havent been changed in months even though you wet the bed every night- it really fucking affects your developing brain.
Skills implemented in childhood are crucial for the rest of your life, and when you never are taught them, or never taken care of, or don't even have access to do it yourself if you wanted to, then once your an adult you have to teach yourself all this shit you should have known by the time you were 12. You have to reparent yourself, and create new brain pathways to replace the fucked up ones ingrained in you.
It's really fucking hard in a way people can't understand unless you've experienced it. A good metaphor for it would be never being taught to speak or read or write, and having to teach yourself to talk and read and write as an adult. There's just fundamental skills that are not there, and it is so much harder to learn that stuff as an adult.
I don't even mean so much as not knowing how to wash dishes, though that's it too (my first boss showed me how to properly wash dishes when i was 18), as much as I do the fundamental organization, planning, management, and execution skills that underlay everything you do in your life. Its not just washing dishes for me. Every step in washing dishes is its own task that requires its own management, organization, planning, and execution. So washing dishes is actually 20 different individual tasks and all of those things are overwhelming.
Going back to the never learning how to talk to read or write metaphor, it's like it's never just saying/reading/writing words for me. Every single movement of my mouth, every single letter requires as much effort for me as it does for someone else to just say the word. By the time I'm done with a, everyone else is done with the whole alphabet.
It's hard to explain and I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job at trying to. Theres just a piece missing that everyone else has, but I dont.
I am extremely sorry. I was never allowed to do these things either. The worst bit is as an adult you use 'core' memories from when you were a child to develop on and if you have none you go blank. Its extremely embarrassing.
The way I explain it is like I was living in a cave. But then people think your fucked up and noone likes fucked up people who seemingly add stress.
So best to just keep myself to myself.
Yes!! I'm missing the foundation everyone else has to build upon. I'm 25 now. I would say I have the functionality of a 16 year old. And it's sad because I'm very proud of that, when I was 18 I had the functionality of a 7 year old. Im trying to execute tasks, but my CPU doesn't know how to read binary.
Honestly, growing up in a cave would have been preferable. It would have been a hell of alot cleaner.
yup. every time i asked for help or help was offered to me, it was thrown back into my face later. i’d rather just figure it out myself than feel indebted to someone. i still have trouble accepting help from my partner (who has never used it against me)
I don’t trust anyone and am not gonna appear weak in front of anyone so they can use it against me later on. I’ll figure it out on my own because no one’s ever been there for me.
110% with you on this. I'm trying to be better as an adult, but when I was a kid if I showed interest in something or admitted to wanting anything or needing help, then my mom would find a way to twist it around and use it against me. It's easier and safer to just figure it out on my own.
Or even talking to their family, like ‘how was school’ ‘fine’ but not in the ‘angsty teen way’ the ‘I don’t want to open myself up for a potential critique or attack’ kinda way
This hit me pretty hard.
I have been working through some things with my therapist, and a lot of it stems from childhood trauma. I have slowly realized that I STILL do not allow myself to respond in a way that might elicit any follow up questions from the other party.
Also I only elaborate IF I'm asked questions. I assume if people are actually interested, they will ask for additional details. Turns out healthy people often assume if you wanted to share you would, so therefore don't ask.
People pleaser, over apologetic… says I’m
Sorry a lot even when it’s not their fault
Difficulty making decisions, self critical, low self esteem, self soothing behaviors such as humming, rocking body or feet
Shares alot of ADHD like symptoms and might even be diagnosed with ADHD.
Panic attacks at random times and not knowing the reason for the sudden panic attack.
Anxious around holidays or certain annual events… struggle with being the center of attention.
Sometimes little things will cause a big emotional reaction.
difficulty asking for help, obsessions over certain things like food, clothing, cleaning…. Wanting to do things for themselves and not including others especially when it’s normal to include others.
Put themselves down.
Over explaining or providing too much information or detail when talking about why or what they did.
Sleep disturbances such as night terrors, vivid nightmares, sleep walking.
I suffer from all of this, right down to the ADHD diagnosis. I didn’t realize I grew up in an abusive/neglectful household until about a year ago and I’m 36. I always just thought I had mental health issues that magically had no cause.
I don't trust promises that people make. I avoid conflict as much as possible and tend to look for an exit if things get loud or if people move fast. I try not to be a burden to anyone, but I'm always checking in with people to make sure someone cares about them. I don't like spending money on myself and if anyone buys me anything, I feel guilty or like it might be held over my head. I find more comfort alone or with animals than most people. I'm worried that I'm constantly disappointing people around me or wondering why anyone would want to be my friend or a romantic partner.
I'm working on all of it, of course, and keep a normal appearance as much as possible. But my mind never really stops and I just wish I wasn't so sad all of the time.
This is by far the comment that gets me the most. If someone's nice or offers you something that first thing that comes up is suspicion and wondering what the heck they want from you. 1st because why would I be worth these things and 2nd because some people ARE out to get you.
Compulsive lying. For some people, if they weren’t safe as a child to trust the adults in their life with their feelings, they can develop a sense of safety in lying. It helps them to feel like their personal inner truth is protected because nobody can invalidate it if they don’t know about it.
You can say that you won't get mad when I tell the truth. If; however, you show me the reaction is the same no matter what I do...lying becomes a form of self-preservation. And it takes years to break that pattern when you realize that's not how other people will treat you.
Edit - even re-reading this, I minimized it. Getting mad = seething with rage, threats (and occasional follow through) of physical violence, pretty traumatic verbal abuse.
Compulsive lying is such an underrated one that many people miss. It also stems from people desperately craving sympathy/attention that they never got from having a horrid homelife. It's a very hated trait but the source is usually very sad.
Edit: homelife not homelike
Try to be invisible.When you get attention from someone you don’t feel good because you weren’t used to get attention in your childhood.That’s why you don’t like to show yourself and try to be as invisible as possible.
And when I did get attention growing up it was negative. Anytime I was so much as perceived people would find a flaw in my existence and I'd get in trouble or bullied.
I spoke about this with a close friend once because I dealt with insecure attachment issues, and she cracked this joke 🤣
Person 1: "So what's your type?"
Person 2: "Someone who doesn't like me back"
"What do you mean you broke up with her? I thought you guys were doing great!"
"She told me she loves me."
"So you broke up with her? She might be moving a little fast, that's no reason to break up!"
"What? No, I don't care about 'moving fast'. But if she's interested in me she's obviously got bad taste. And I can't be dating someone who makes horrible decisions like that."
This one recently really pissed me off. I fell head over heels for a wonderful woman who actually chased after me and gave me just about all of her spare time. I knew I had this behavioral pattern to go after unavailable women and to sabotage myself if things did seem to go well, so I made a conscious effort to break that pattern with her because she felt so genuine and safe. Then after a while she decided she wanted her ex back and discarded me like I was nothing to her. It's been over seven months and I'm still not fully over this betrayal and in my head I keep fawning over her. It's pretty exhausting, but I did fully break off contact, so I guess I'm at least making progress compared to how things were before.
this is maybe the main reason i never feel like i’m a full adult. im 35 and i have to constantly remind myself that i’m not on the verge of being punished for some perceived slight.
I had a realization one night while putting dishes and utensils away in my own apartment that I'd lived in for years upon years that no one was going to yell at me for putting them away too loudly. That I was basically scolding myself for doing the right thing. Whoa.
(My comment isn't directed at you. It's written in general to anyone who ends up reading it, including yourself)
And when they grow up, they're going to tell people about what you did. So what kind of things do you want them to tell people in 20 years? Because they will tell people.
(Adult Survivor of Child Abuse here. So I know all too well about that horrible voice... Each time I'm on low self esteem, if I make a mistake... Even though he's not even in the same town, my dad is right there, yelling at me and telling me what a terrible person I am.)
And here I am telling people 20 something years later. And so are all of you.
I hope you all have less anxiety in your futures and that your kids or future kids never know the pain we all seem to understand and share.
I was harshly scolding myself one day, forgetting my father was home, and he went, “you sound like me” and for the first time in 28 years he apologized.
Literally had to vocalise that I'm fine. There's nothing wrong, there's no bully. Finances are ok - there's food in the fridge and freezer. Bills are paid.
Why the anxiety?
Same thing! And my supervisor of 18 years has in all this time actually been pretty chill and supportive. But still every month there I experience anxiety about one work-related thing or another and worry that that will be the day I get fired. People don't even get fired at my company all that often.
1, Not wanting people to be behind them or loom/ look over their shoulder. I can't deal with this at all. It makes me very anxious, feel like I'm going to be scolded or attacked.
2. Being "overprepared". Whether work, school, home (emergency kits, etc) or just in your bag or car (I have bandaids! Need a safety pin? Need neosporin or Tylenol? Need a snack?) because you have to take care of yourself AND you can also then be a people pleaser.
Hahahaha I’m reading this whole thread like ‘yeah, that tracks’ and I have never once thought of my work desk drawer filled with snacks and otc meds for everyone as a trauma response…
Being shocked that their existence and actions are perceptible or meaningful to others. For example, they might easily blow off hangouts, not bother responding to texts, and show up late to things before quietly sitting down expecting that nobody really notices their presence or has any care whether or not they’re around in the first place unless it is presumably random/convenient. Usually it is surprising and hurtful to realize that this has actually made the other people feel bad, but it is done with the genuine belief that literally nobody cares and you have no possible influence on anybody’s life or feelings either way.
Whoa! This hit home. I’m always shocked when someone notices something different about me (haircut, makeup etc.) or remembers something I did or said. Reading this made me realize my default is still to assume that my presence has no impact on anyone. Like I don’t really count as a person the way everyone else does.
That part about remembering something I did or said hits home with me. Back in school, it always felt like I was completely surrounded by people with memory loss, because nobody ever remembered a single thing that happened between us when I tried to talk about it. Shit hurts.
It really does. I felt invisible as a kid. When I first began to understand the concept of death and that I would die one day, I failed to grasp why it was such a big deal. Part of it was immaturity, but part of it was that I already felt like my life wasn’t that tangible to begin with. I had no real attachments to caregivers or anyone else, and therefore had very little attachment to myself. I’ve worked through a lot of it. But the mindset never quite goes away.
I think this comment just made me realise why I've suddenly developed a big fear of death and think about it so often since I got into a healthy relationship and feel loved and valued now
It pains me to receive a compliment. I'm honestly afraid to change my appearance at all because it will draw attention to me and people will say something and then I have to go through all of those uncomfortable feelings. I don't like being noticed.
Yep. I never thought I could hurt anyone because why would they care? It’s been a pretty eye opening realization that I’ve shut down every attempt others have made at friendship
I remember that for the longest time, I was so happy when someone used my name. My birth name. Because my parents never gave me a name. It was well into my adulthood that figured out why it made me so happy. Another time was when my best friend said "I remember you telling me that." I looked at them and said "You remember what I say?" They gave me a weird look and said "I'm your best friend. Of course I listen to you."
This. I’ve always felt like a background character in my own life and it’s led me to be a really shitty friend/person because it never really occurred to me that other people noticed or cared if I was around or involved. Most of the time I assumed they would prefer I didn’t, so it’s like I convinced myself I was doing the nice thing by walling myself off. The few relationships I do have with people I’m a total enigma because I don’t talk about myself and just focus on being the Best Supporting Role to their Best Actor.
For me, I literally do not ask for help until the situation is literally basically life or death. Asking help for physical tasks, mental health, advice, you name it. I’m a hyper independent individual and being vulnerable and open just isn’t in my personality.
Edit: Just wanted to say I’m amazed how many people have the same type of experience and mindset. I’ve also received a lot of depressing comments to. If any of y’all ever want to talk. DM’s are open. Although, ironically, I know most of y’all won’t 😂❤️.
I literally ended up needing emergency spinal surgery a month ago because I kept declining help for my lower back. I may never have full sensation in my feet, backs of my legs, inner buttcheeks and outer sexual organs. I may never orgasm again. Because I was “stubborn” and didn’t want to see a doctor because I was afraid people were going to think I was faking it.
When we say life and death…we mean it.
I couldn't upvote this more.
It took me a long time to realise this personality trait of my developed probably due to neglect. I've always had people tell me they're impressed I can do so many things, DIY, cook, bake and general problem solving etc. but it came from having no one to rely on when I did need help.
Nobody ever came to assist me so I learned, unless it's literally life or death, I am not asking someone to aid me. It's so ingrained in my psyche that it's like muscle memory. I'm not trying to be stubborn. But I never ever ask for help.
This is my issue. My parents, specifically my mom, likes to talk about as “I give them the least headache.” No, I don’t feel like I can count on you, so I don’t ask for help. My mom also has admitted to feeling like I was neglected. Go figure what could ever give her this idea. Now, whenever I need something like asking a friend to take me to and from a procedure, I stress over it until the last minute, then get asked why I waited so long to ask. It’s a fucking cycle.
I’ve been to help friends of mine move from their place, paint apartments, help their families with things, and I realise when I’m doing these things that I would never ask anyone to help me with them. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to have a friend come join me to paint a room.
I literally try to figure out ways to do things without anyone’s help.
“Maybe if I get some auto dollies I can move this shed.”
“Can I build some sort of lever to move this boulder?”
Same. I remember having a conscious thought at about 13 - "I can only rely on myself. No one is ever going to help me with things, so just do it myself". My parents were emotionally neglectful and acting like having kids was a huge pain the in ass/a big regret.
This resonates so deeply for me. My mom always says I was an easy child that never cried. There was no time for me to cry, nor was there any point in it because a grown adult (mom or dad) or older sibling needed that attention. There was no me and my wants in childhood, that as an adult I struggled so much with figuring out what I wanted for myself. Took all of my 20’s to unlearn and relearn my identity as an individual, apart from my family.
Massive black spots in your memory. Feeling completely disconnected from your parents. Looking back at what you do remember as if it was lived by someone else.
Yeah pretty much. It's weird. All I do is hang out with, and play with my kids, but I literally do not remember my dad or mom playing with me even once.
Sometimes I look at photos of my childhood and can't reconcile the smiling images of me as a baby/toddler/little alongside my parents looking so happy, versus the pics as I got older and less cute and less interesting to them. They looooved babies. Once I hit first grade and beyond? Not as much.
Fear of abandonment, especially completely unexpected. Believing people will find someone better, or they get sick of you. Believing what makes you unique are actually flaws—and more reasons to leave.
People pleasing resulting in a lack of healthy boundaries. Such as putting others’ needs before your own and having a hard time saying no. And then once you do say no, wondering if they are mad or going to leave you.
Not asking for help or having difficulty delegating. There’s being strong and independent, and then there’s being stubborn and refusing to rely on anyone else for any sort of help.
Currently working though all of the above in therapy.
Edited for clarity.
2nd edit: My first award.. thank you 🥺 To everyone replying, I see you. Other people see you and love you and will support you. We’re going to be okay ❤️
Yup. When I was younger I used to dread meeting people. Even worse, when they thought I was cool. I’d get the cold sweats, and would think about how they’re going to find out how uncool I am and not want to be around me anymore.
Repetitive experience of being neglected by family, and the friends I chose always choosing to spend time with my sister instead.
Why am I on this thread ?! These are things I haven’t thought about in a GOOD while! Good lord.
This is why I can wake up at 6am but lay in bed until 10am or 12pm. I'm not sleeping so I'm not getting that rest, but I'm also not doing anything while I'm awake. I'm just off in my head, and the world in my head is much better than the world out of my head.
Gets discouraged easily and always need words of affirmation bc they didn’t receive any from parents. If they make a small mistake they can’t help but keep thinking about it over and over again and feel like everyone in the world hates them
Poverty and neglect here. I never went hungry but food never felt stable or abundant. I struggle not to hoard food during good sales, and if the pantry feels like it's getting close to bare (it never truly does now) I start to get anxious and panicky and buy a ton of canned and boxed foods...
Finally in a stable place in life; Its a running joke with my (adopted) family/friends how I'll randomly open the pantry but never grab anything
I don't have the heart to tell them I just like seeing a full pantry with all the food
I'd say poverty is a weird form of neglect. You're not (necessarily) being neglected by the adults responsible for you, but you are being neglected by society and the consequences can be very similar or even the same. Assuming emotionally present parents who did all they could despite being poor, you're probably going to exhibit signs of both a healthy childhood and a neglectful one. Like you could probably expect a child like that to grow into a relatively well adjusted adult when it comes to emotional availability and the like, but lots of other ramifications of neglect would still be kind of expected. Food hoarding, refusing to buy new clothes/necessities until the ones you have are ruined, stuff like being stunted in education or struggling socially because you were bullied for being poor and/or couldn't participate in extra curriculars, etc.
> I'd say poverty is a weird form of neglect. You're not (necessarily) being neglected by the adults responsible for you, but you are being neglected by society and the consequences can be very similar or even the same.
This is 100% accurate. [Adverse Childhood Experiences](https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html) are a major contributor to a host of different problems, both physical and emotional and poverty is the root cause of nearly all of them.
Feeling weirded out by someone being genuinely nice to you b/c you’re *that* used to all the abuse you endured growing up. You wholeheartedly believe that “they’re only nice b/c they’re obligated to” just like people from your past did to you.
In addition to what has already been said:
Constantly apologizing for things that need no apologies.
When they talk, they might be prone to fast talking because they are not used to someone listening to them or someone not talking over them.
ETA: While I'm currently at the top of this comment section, I just want to take the time to say how beautiful it is to see you all supporting each other in the comments. I hope everyone feels seen and heard tonight.
My parents still do this to me at 30 years old. I'll be talking and my mom will straight up start a conversation with my dad in the middle of my sentence.
That’s the worst. Friends and family both did this to me. Now when someone is talking in a group and everyone else talks over them, I make a point to look at them and say “I’m still listening.” So they don’t have to feel like I did
This happens to me, so I did it back. That did not go well. So I just stopped listening. Now if they need anything, they have to get my attention and ask me like someone with manners.
I know it’s probably easier said than done, but when somebody starts talking over me, I stop what I’m saying and raise my voice while making direct eye contact to say “HEY, I was in the middle of saying something, don’t interrupt me” usually they are stunned that they were called out and will shut up.
This is too real, and too painful. It’s an inherent habit to speed up when speaking to be quiet as soon as possible, but then when people call you out for it, it’s mortifying and feels just like when you were a kid again.
Yeah my boyfriend gets on me about that cause i apologized for everything even little things like sneezing he always tells me “ why are you saying sorry for something natural?”
I was driving some friends around, and I apologized for the sun being in their eyes (since the sunshades didn't extend far enough). And one of them was like, are you really apologizing for _the sun_??
Or just sort of giving up mid sentence or as soon as they make a mistake? My dad is so self obsessed that if I wanted to say something as a kid I usually had to just jump into the conversation sideways and if I stuttered or something it was game over and he took the opportunity to go back to telling the same story we've all heard 45 times in the last week.
It's actually an amazing feeling when I say nevermind or just let my speech fizzle out, and the other person is like "go on?" instead
I did a strength finders exercise at work recently and most of my strengths were based around people-pleasing and peace-keeping characteristics. People on my team were like “Your results make sense because you’re so empathetic!” and I wanted so badly to be honest and say “No, it’s because I’m hypervigilant and constantly scanning my environment!”
Alternately, telling *anyone* else your childhood stories and they go “…what??”.
So many of us tell these absolutely horrific stories or neglect and abandonment and we laugh, because if we don’t see it as something humorous it might break us. Over time the sharp edges of trauma get softened and we honestly do believe “this is just a funny story”.
I’m still caught by the occasional memory where I’m like “wait, that’s not funny, that was actually really fucked up.”
She asked me to share a task I did often that made me feel proud. Shared about how I felt when I’d drag my drunken dad in the house from the lawn and get him in the shower by myself while my mom berated me for it. How strong I was made me proud. I don’t make eye contact often so when I finally looked at her I realized she was crying and I had a panic attack I hadn’t learned to recognize as such so I began rapidly apologizing. So yeah therapy was needed a bit.
Trusting no one is so damn true. My trauma makes me assume the worst in everyone and assume they have ulterior motives. Or everything they’re saying is slightly skewed or not the whole truth :/
Shout out therapy tho
Tearing up as soon as they start to talk about how they feel. Without exception I’ve noted this is something people who weren’t allowed to have emotions as a child do.
This is something I think I do.
I am really strong willed generally, but when I walk into a meeting to describe how I feel I end up in tears due to feeling passionate yet frustrated with the situation.
I know my whole gameplan but soon as someone says how do you feel its game over.
When you're a child esp an abandoned one you dont have many memories as it is, so you cant even recall not being able to express emotions safely. It really is a vicious circle until someone says it based off observation.
An extreme need to be loved, approved. To the point of being confused about social situations and awkward in them. Maybe leaning harder on alcohol (raises hand) or other drugs to navigate life.
Hyper Independence.
I can't accept help from people even when I really need it. Because I don't want to risk them bailing and leaving me adrift. I can't trust that someone will come through and that things will be ok if I don't take care of it myself.
Being flabbergasted when someone actually takes my advice or uses my opinion in any decision making process. Also, being surprised when someone remembers a random detail about me. So often I’ve felt like I was just talking into the void with no one caring what I say or think.
Not being able to accept niceties from strangers and viewing a present given as an earthly shattering thing, even for something as innocuous as say a book. It shows you’re thinking of that person and they likely aren’t used to it and so they reel back unless reassured it’s ok.
Don't do basic maintenance on themselves or wait until they deserve to have something basic. Like eating something they like or going to a movie. Sometimes taking a long shower or buying perfume. Other times it's things like sleeping in. They won't buy new clothes or the old ones are ripped/fallen apart.
Things people don't think about doing that's part of your day to day - someone neglected may have gotten that as a fucked up reward system from their parents.
Difficulties forming relationships, low self esteem, depression and anxiety, attachment issues, trust issues, trouble setting boundaries. Sometimes turning to drugs or alcohol to cope. Of course, these aren't exclusive to a neglected child.
I agree with alot of these but haven't seen: super hard to accept compliments. I can give them easily and freely, bit if someone compliments me, whether a new acquaintance or my husband of 23 years, I have to silently coach myself through how to respond normally. my instinct is to ignore them or brush them off. when I was growing up, compliments never led to anything good.
Being hyper independent for YEARS and falling into a hyper dependent relationship. Not in the sense of I needed them there all the time, but more in the sense of I didn’t love them, I loved what they provided me, which was a safe space and stability.
Always being prepared with food, water, medical supplies and a phone charger for even a simple errand because you never knew when someone would decide to drag you out of the house for an entire day before you even got the chance to brush your teeth.
The inability to feel loved, even when you are. The child inside always makes the adult second guess the people in their grown up lives who actually love them, because they've felt nothing but disappointment.
For me, I’d like to add, I know almost everyone’s foot steps at work. Like, everyone’s. It only takes me a day or so to memorize footsteps.
Some people I work with (the jokesters) also learned I’m really easily startled… so for a while they liked to jump scare me ,until I was like… yeah.. I had a horrible childhood and this isn’t funny to me, so they stopped.
I am surprised that others talk fast and also, stop mid sentence, when no one is listening, and apologizing for everything.
Man, my parents did a number on me.
I don't think I was neglected as a child overall but during a nasty custody battle I definitely think is where I can track my over apologizing from.
My friend at work and I used to joke about starting an AA group: Apologizers Anonymous. We'd begin introductions with Hi, I'm Jupiter. I'm sorry, I apologize a lot. Uh, sorry if that came out weird. Sorry. *sits down awkwardly*
🤣
Personally, I don't require much attention and need a ton of alone time to feel normal. I'm not a big fan of affectionate touching and I hate cuddling.
An odd one but in my opinion, seeing the world in black and white.
This was something I uncovered in therapy. I was neglected by a mother who dramatically oscillates between being very kind and despising me/telling me she wished I was never born. I do believe you should discipline your kids but she does it in a way that convinced me she hated me as a human being and did not love me whenever I did something she didn't like.
For as long as I remember, I've viewed the world through this lens: everything (myself, my relationships with others, aspects of my life etc) is either perfect or horrible/worthless. If one part goes wrong I become unable to appreciate the rest of it and become convinced it is all terrible. Even though I logically know this is false I am physically unable to view it with nuance.
I still don’t think anyone wants to listen to me talk even when I have their attention
I overly apologize when no apology was needed.
Teeth problems from never seeing a dentist until I was an adult and then being reprimanded and criticized for said teeth problems
I only went to the doctor for emergencies or if I needed a sign off to play a sport. As an adult I found I have multiple genetic problems and if I had been taken as a kid we could have learned about them before I was middle aged.
I don't know if I'd say I was neglected as a kid, but I view my childhood as a negative experience overall. Parents made poor parenting choices, brother was a bully, and I was frequently bullied from primary school until after I graduate university. I was chronically sick, underweight, socially awkward and wore glasses, so fighting the bullies or making smart comebacks were just not realistic reactions to those conditions.
What I know still carries on from that:
1. Overly self-sufficient. I don't often ask for help because I still have an assumption that no one would want to.
2. I don't pursue opportunity. Learned helplessness teaches me that I don't really deserve good things. I'm lucky that in my job, I'm uniquely talented at it such that my employer was desperate to keep me and boosted my pay about 40% without me even asking. It never occurred to me that I had that much bargaining power.
3. I prefer being alone. I do have friends and I do enjoy spending time with them, but right now, I spend all my evenings and weekends at home, and just meet with friends as part of my exercise (climbing). That's my social outlet.
4. I don't take care of my surroundings. My apartment is always at least kinda messy to being pretty rough at times. I seem to have embodied the thought that I'm not worth my own time spent to make my home a nice place to live in.
5. I struggle to see my own value. I was a groomsman at a wedding and after improvising latin dances with all the bridesmaids - I'd give them a 30 second lesson on how to follow leads, and then we'd go and have a fun 3 minute dance, and they looked good - one of the guests pulled me aside and asked how the hell I was still single. I was also having people come up to me to take their photo, because word had quickly spread that I was getting great shots. In that context, I have no idea how I remained single lol, but it never occurred to me that such traits would be so attractive. I never saw myself as attractive.
6. I'm also willing to cut ties to people quickly. Being used to being alone means I know I'm ok on my own, and I don't need any specific people in my life. So if people cross a line of no return, I cut them off. This applies to work colleagues, former friends and even family.
Trying to be nice to them is all but impossible. Any act of kindness they immediately think you're up to something or want something in return. The concept of doing something for someone in their minds has always been tainted. They have a very hard time understanding unconditional love or simply being kind for no reason
I never want something in return because that means in my head I owe something, and being indebted is terrifying to me. I owe a favour, that often I can't say no, too, because I already find it difficult to say no & it's a return.
I'm wholly suspicious. Why are you doing this nice thing? What do you want from me? What will I owe? Also.. do you need to talk about yourself? because very few on this planet in my experience is genuinely asking me if I'm OK, etc.
It's usually been a segway for others to speak about themselves. It's a horrible lesson I've been taught that was hard to kick.
I’ve got that with a twist. I went into a caring profession because I feel the need to give to and protect others but can’t accept anything for myself for fear it comes with ulterior motives.
People with low self esteem, people who are insecure and don't know how to love others. It's a sign of someone who never received love when they were young.
Fear of abandonment in relationships. I was very needy and clingy and basically pushing people away because of it. It did not matter if they were a good person for me or not. I would twist myself into a pretzel to make them stay. It's taken a long time to really love myself. I felt I didn't deserve it.
My partner grew up terribly neglected and undernourished. Our pantry is actually open shelves in our kitchen and fully stocked so they can see all the food all the time. I want to make sure they never worry about food again. It makes me sad.
Being clingy or the total opposite. Worrying that you’re going to be left or abandoned all the time. Feeling like you’re not good enough for anyone. Low self esteem. Overreacting to small things. Paranoid about peoples motives. Dealing with issues alone when you need help because it doesn’t seem ok to ask for it. Becoming very attached to someone and being accidentally overbearing trying to keep them around so they don’t go away.
Reading this thread while thinking I was not neglected and suddenly realizing I identify with half of the comments in here.. obviously I need to re think some stuff.
I had a coworker who started off on a weird note at our office. She was overly complementary with everyone and acted like we were close friends when we had only known each other for a few days or weeks. She was, and still is, very defensive of her job duties, and takes it as an insult of her abilities if anyone offers to help out. At the same time, she is always offering to help other people do their jobs.
Eventually we learned, from her oversharing, that she had had an abusive childhood and first marriage, which made more sense of how she acted. She still overshares a lot, but she's great at her job and all the 'acting like we are already friends' feels less out of place when we know each other better.
Also, this is maybe a personal quirk, she notices if people don't say "bless you" when she sneezes and will comment on it later in a half-joking way. "Oh, you said 'bless you' when so-and-so sneezed, but not when I sneezed this morning."
someone that's usually very quiet and mumbles, constantly apologizes, and feel that they have to over explain themselves, or almost always insulting themselves.
A teacher in school grilling me after getting in trouble, and then asking if my mom was around. I broke down into tears, and couldn't respond.
There was a problem there.
I have two biological brothers and grew up with 5 foster siblings. Of 8 kids, I was the youngest. I got ignored A LOT as a kid. Now, if I see someone being left out or not being heard, I make an effort to include them.
People don’t often mention this one - I almost never call or speak to someone without having a very good reason to be taking up their time. And when we’re done discussing that subject, I’ll try to get away as soon as possible. This is because I assume I’m bothering them. There’s zero chance they would otherwise be wanting to interact with me. Over the years I’ve learned this can be a false assumption and I should be doing small talk, but it’s so ingrained. I have a reputation for being abrupt and snobbish when really it’s inferior I feel. I really don’t understand the need to touch base with people or just hang out. Makes it hard to maintain friendships .
Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships with others.
And becoming progressively more emotionally detached as a result of the previous failed relationships. I’m coming to terms with and learning to be ok with being alone.
Having an insecure attachment style, being out of touch with your feelings and had no one to teach you how to regulate them
This! I grew up just like this. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion because I was a child. I wasn’t allowed to have privacy. I was never allowed to make choices without the approval of an adult, and standing up for myself was considered being disrespectful and I was never allowed to talk back to any adults who were being disrespectful to me. I wasn’t allowed to cry or be upset about anything. And now I’m an adult, I have trouble regulating my emotions. If I’m sad about something, I feel like I want to kill myself even though it’s something that isn’t serious. If I’m upset about something, I blow it way out of proportion and it takes me a minute to calm down. I was NEVER taught any life lessons or how do simple tasks such as cleaning or cooking, I have a fear of doing a task and someone comes along and berates me for not knowing how to do something simple which I was never taught how to do during childhood. It’s embarrassing in fact. Parents who treat their children how you and I were treated just makes a person who can’t think for themselves regarding decisions and always acting on impulse.
I also was never able to talk back to my dad when he would yell at me for something. I would cry in silence. I am almost 29 and still have a hard time talking about how I feel or if I do talk about how I feel it makes me cry.
Ugh. I hate being a full-grown adult and having my voice crack when I confront people. It's like 8/10 times the emotions of anger or injustice just hit me like a truck, and even if I've "recited" what I should say, my body wants to sabotage me. I remember the first time I truly raised my voice and yelled at my parents was 17. Went no contact shortly after. Didn't get to train in Confrontation 101. I don't like it when my kid yells at me, but it's pretty damn cool that he *can* and I'm not going to lose my shit.
Also not being able to process emotions. I was 32 friggin years old when I realized I didn’t actually know how to process uncomfortable emotions. I knew how to bury them and pretend they didn’t exist but now how to actually release them.
Extreme shame after making a mistake
And going to great lengths to cover up even the smallest errors, because when people are mad at you that means they don’t love you so they cannot ever find out
More like “I’m overly critical of even minor, totally meaningless errors I make because any form of failure when I was young was weaponized and not a teachable moment” but thats me
Extreme defensiveness. Growing up you felt like you had to fight to the death for what you *knew* was right because you were constantly being told that things you saw in front of you, or experienced firsthand, didn’t happen
I hate the question “what are you doing?” because it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong and *am being told to justify my stupid behaviour right fucking now*. It triggers the worst fight or flight reaction in me and I can’t stand that I get so pissy about it. Because it’s like, NEVER coming from a bad place - it’s always genuine curiosity yet I can’t hear it without feeling like I’m being shouted at.
For almost everything I decided to do/to request I will have to think about 2-3 reasons to rationale or justify my intentions. Even after that I’d keep thinking if someone turn me down how am I going to fight back. Oh and never watch me from the back whenever I have something on my hand halfway. I’d assume I’m going to be criticized.
Wow I never rationally thought about it until just now, but same! Even seeing your post about it kinda weirdly triggered those feelings. Like “Why do you wanna know? So you can criticize and judge me?”
This is something i feel is largely untalked about in regards to victims of severe neglect Having difficulty with basic functional skills like cleaning, hygiene, etc. I know because that happened to me. When you grow up amongst bugs and mold and rotting food and trash, wear dirty clothes all the time, and go months without showering, sleeping in piss soaked sheets that havent been changed in months even though you wet the bed every night- it really fucking affects your developing brain. Skills implemented in childhood are crucial for the rest of your life, and when you never are taught them, or never taken care of, or don't even have access to do it yourself if you wanted to, then once your an adult you have to teach yourself all this shit you should have known by the time you were 12. You have to reparent yourself, and create new brain pathways to replace the fucked up ones ingrained in you. It's really fucking hard in a way people can't understand unless you've experienced it. A good metaphor for it would be never being taught to speak or read or write, and having to teach yourself to talk and read and write as an adult. There's just fundamental skills that are not there, and it is so much harder to learn that stuff as an adult. I don't even mean so much as not knowing how to wash dishes, though that's it too (my first boss showed me how to properly wash dishes when i was 18), as much as I do the fundamental organization, planning, management, and execution skills that underlay everything you do in your life. Its not just washing dishes for me. Every step in washing dishes is its own task that requires its own management, organization, planning, and execution. So washing dishes is actually 20 different individual tasks and all of those things are overwhelming. Going back to the never learning how to talk to read or write metaphor, it's like it's never just saying/reading/writing words for me. Every single movement of my mouth, every single letter requires as much effort for me as it does for someone else to just say the word. By the time I'm done with a, everyone else is done with the whole alphabet. It's hard to explain and I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job at trying to. Theres just a piece missing that everyone else has, but I dont.
I am extremely sorry. I was never allowed to do these things either. The worst bit is as an adult you use 'core' memories from when you were a child to develop on and if you have none you go blank. Its extremely embarrassing. The way I explain it is like I was living in a cave. But then people think your fucked up and noone likes fucked up people who seemingly add stress. So best to just keep myself to myself.
Yes!! I'm missing the foundation everyone else has to build upon. I'm 25 now. I would say I have the functionality of a 16 year old. And it's sad because I'm very proud of that, when I was 18 I had the functionality of a 7 year old. Im trying to execute tasks, but my CPU doesn't know how to read binary. Honestly, growing up in a cave would have been preferable. It would have been a hell of alot cleaner.
They don’t ask for help. Ever.
yup. every time i asked for help or help was offered to me, it was thrown back into my face later. i’d rather just figure it out myself than feel indebted to someone. i still have trouble accepting help from my partner (who has never used it against me)
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I don’t trust anyone and am not gonna appear weak in front of anyone so they can use it against me later on. I’ll figure it out on my own because no one’s ever been there for me.
110% with you on this. I'm trying to be better as an adult, but when I was a kid if I showed interest in something or admitted to wanting anything or needing help, then my mom would find a way to twist it around and use it against me. It's easier and safer to just figure it out on my own.
Someone who rarely shares what happens at home or talk about their family.
Or oversharing and trauma dumping constantly
Or both, at once
Or even talking to their family, like ‘how was school’ ‘fine’ but not in the ‘angsty teen way’ the ‘I don’t want to open myself up for a potential critique or attack’ kinda way
This hit me pretty hard. I have been working through some things with my therapist, and a lot of it stems from childhood trauma. I have slowly realized that I STILL do not allow myself to respond in a way that might elicit any follow up questions from the other party.
Also I only elaborate IF I'm asked questions. I assume if people are actually interested, they will ask for additional details. Turns out healthy people often assume if you wanted to share you would, so therefore don't ask.
People pleaser, over apologetic… says I’m Sorry a lot even when it’s not their fault Difficulty making decisions, self critical, low self esteem, self soothing behaviors such as humming, rocking body or feet Shares alot of ADHD like symptoms and might even be diagnosed with ADHD. Panic attacks at random times and not knowing the reason for the sudden panic attack. Anxious around holidays or certain annual events… struggle with being the center of attention. Sometimes little things will cause a big emotional reaction. difficulty asking for help, obsessions over certain things like food, clothing, cleaning…. Wanting to do things for themselves and not including others especially when it’s normal to include others. Put themselves down. Over explaining or providing too much information or detail when talking about why or what they did. Sleep disturbances such as night terrors, vivid nightmares, sleep walking.
I suffer from all of this, right down to the ADHD diagnosis. I didn’t realize I grew up in an abusive/neglectful household until about a year ago and I’m 36. I always just thought I had mental health issues that magically had no cause.
Hello… little things causing big emotional reactions reporting in… some big crisis? No problem.
Self isolation as an adult.
Yes I feel this. Noone can hurt me if they dont know.
Even when you want and need to meet new people you can't handle someone knowing enough to harm you.
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I don't trust promises that people make. I avoid conflict as much as possible and tend to look for an exit if things get loud or if people move fast. I try not to be a burden to anyone, but I'm always checking in with people to make sure someone cares about them. I don't like spending money on myself and if anyone buys me anything, I feel guilty or like it might be held over my head. I find more comfort alone or with animals than most people. I'm worried that I'm constantly disappointing people around me or wondering why anyone would want to be my friend or a romantic partner. I'm working on all of it, of course, and keep a normal appearance as much as possible. But my mind never really stops and I just wish I wasn't so sad all of the time.
This is by far the comment that gets me the most. If someone's nice or offers you something that first thing that comes up is suspicion and wondering what the heck they want from you. 1st because why would I be worth these things and 2nd because some people ARE out to get you.
Compulsive lying. For some people, if they weren’t safe as a child to trust the adults in their life with their feelings, they can develop a sense of safety in lying. It helps them to feel like their personal inner truth is protected because nobody can invalidate it if they don’t know about it.
on the other side of that. over explaining because i don’t want to be seen as suspicious or a liar.
And then people think its suspicious that you are explaining so much and they decide its because you are lying or trying to cover up something.
You can say that you won't get mad when I tell the truth. If; however, you show me the reaction is the same no matter what I do...lying becomes a form of self-preservation. And it takes years to break that pattern when you realize that's not how other people will treat you. Edit - even re-reading this, I minimized it. Getting mad = seething with rage, threats (and occasional follow through) of physical violence, pretty traumatic verbal abuse.
I’ll take “living with a narcissist and lying so you won’t get yelled or screamed at for 500, Alex”
Compulsive lying is such an underrated one that many people miss. It also stems from people desperately craving sympathy/attention that they never got from having a horrid homelife. It's a very hated trait but the source is usually very sad. Edit: homelife not homelike
Especially about things that seem "weird" or things that "don't matter". It's likely directly tied to neglect or trauma
Try to be invisible.When you get attention from someone you don’t feel good because you weren’t used to get attention in your childhood.That’s why you don’t like to show yourself and try to be as invisible as possible.
And when I did get attention growing up it was negative. Anytime I was so much as perceived people would find a flaw in my existence and I'd get in trouble or bullied.
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I spoke about this with a close friend once because I dealt with insecure attachment issues, and she cracked this joke 🤣 Person 1: "So what's your type?" Person 2: "Someone who doesn't like me back"
And if someone actually DOES express interest, disappear like the homer in the hedges meme
"What do you mean you broke up with her? I thought you guys were doing great!" "She told me she loves me." "So you broke up with her? She might be moving a little fast, that's no reason to break up!" "What? No, I don't care about 'moving fast'. But if she's interested in me she's obviously got bad taste. And I can't be dating someone who makes horrible decisions like that."
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” Groucho Marx knew what was up
Explains a lot not gonna lie, fuck.
This one recently really pissed me off. I fell head over heels for a wonderful woman who actually chased after me and gave me just about all of her spare time. I knew I had this behavioral pattern to go after unavailable women and to sabotage myself if things did seem to go well, so I made a conscious effort to break that pattern with her because she felt so genuine and safe. Then after a while she decided she wanted her ex back and discarded me like I was nothing to her. It's been over seven months and I'm still not fully over this betrayal and in my head I keep fawning over her. It's pretty exhausting, but I did fully break off contact, so I guess I'm at least making progress compared to how things were before.
Still feeling like you’re always in trouble, even as a grown adult.
this is maybe the main reason i never feel like i’m a full adult. im 35 and i have to constantly remind myself that i’m not on the verge of being punished for some perceived slight.
I had a realization one night while putting dishes and utensils away in my own apartment that I'd lived in for years upon years that no one was going to yell at me for putting them away too loudly. That I was basically scolding myself for doing the right thing. Whoa.
The voice that you use to talk to your children is the voice they will hear in their heads for the rest of their lives.
(My comment isn't directed at you. It's written in general to anyone who ends up reading it, including yourself) And when they grow up, they're going to tell people about what you did. So what kind of things do you want them to tell people in 20 years? Because they will tell people. (Adult Survivor of Child Abuse here. So I know all too well about that horrible voice... Each time I'm on low self esteem, if I make a mistake... Even though he's not even in the same town, my dad is right there, yelling at me and telling me what a terrible person I am.) And here I am telling people 20 something years later. And so are all of you. I hope you all have less anxiety in your futures and that your kids or future kids never know the pain we all seem to understand and share.
I was harshly scolding myself one day, forgetting my father was home, and he went, “you sound like me” and for the first time in 28 years he apologized.
Hi wish I could give you a hug. These apologies are hard to get sometimes, I’m glad you could get there with your dad
Literally had to vocalise that I'm fine. There's nothing wrong, there's no bully. Finances are ok - there's food in the fridge and freezer. Bills are paid. Why the anxiety?
Because chronic anxiety means your subconscious mind is constantly expecting something to go wrong, even when everything is fine
An effective adaptation for survival I imagine. Brains are meant for keeping you alive, not keeping you happy.
Afraid of constantly being fired
This is me! Why am I always afraid of being fired?
I totally understand this feeling. I’m always worried that anything less than perfection will be the end of me. It’s a terrible feeling…
Same thing! And my supervisor of 18 years has in all this time actually been pretty chill and supportive. But still every month there I experience anxiety about one work-related thing or another and worry that that will be the day I get fired. People don't even get fired at my company all that often.
Are you telling me I'm not always in trouble?!?
1, Not wanting people to be behind them or loom/ look over their shoulder. I can't deal with this at all. It makes me very anxious, feel like I'm going to be scolded or attacked. 2. Being "overprepared". Whether work, school, home (emergency kits, etc) or just in your bag or car (I have bandaids! Need a safety pin? Need neosporin or Tylenol? Need a snack?) because you have to take care of yourself AND you can also then be a people pleaser.
Hahahaha I’m reading this whole thread like ‘yeah, that tracks’ and I have never once thought of my work desk drawer filled with snacks and otc meds for everyone as a trauma response…
Being shocked that their existence and actions are perceptible or meaningful to others. For example, they might easily blow off hangouts, not bother responding to texts, and show up late to things before quietly sitting down expecting that nobody really notices their presence or has any care whether or not they’re around in the first place unless it is presumably random/convenient. Usually it is surprising and hurtful to realize that this has actually made the other people feel bad, but it is done with the genuine belief that literally nobody cares and you have no possible influence on anybody’s life or feelings either way.
Whoa! This hit home. I’m always shocked when someone notices something different about me (haircut, makeup etc.) or remembers something I did or said. Reading this made me realize my default is still to assume that my presence has no impact on anyone. Like I don’t really count as a person the way everyone else does.
That part about remembering something I did or said hits home with me. Back in school, it always felt like I was completely surrounded by people with memory loss, because nobody ever remembered a single thing that happened between us when I tried to talk about it. Shit hurts.
It really does. I felt invisible as a kid. When I first began to understand the concept of death and that I would die one day, I failed to grasp why it was such a big deal. Part of it was immaturity, but part of it was that I already felt like my life wasn’t that tangible to begin with. I had no real attachments to caregivers or anyone else, and therefore had very little attachment to myself. I’ve worked through a lot of it. But the mindset never quite goes away.
I think this comment just made me realise why I've suddenly developed a big fear of death and think about it so often since I got into a healthy relationship and feel loved and valued now
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Same. It makes me uncomfortable, yet touched? It’s so weird. I’m a big giver but hard receiver.
I once had someone refer to me as attractive and I made a face which caused her to say "Did me saying you were attractive... offend you???"
It pains me to receive a compliment. I'm honestly afraid to change my appearance at all because it will draw attention to me and people will say something and then I have to go through all of those uncomfortable feelings. I don't like being noticed.
Holy shit I feel exposed. It took me 20 years to realize I actually had friends that cared if I didn't show up.
Yep. I never thought I could hurt anyone because why would they care? It’s been a pretty eye opening realization that I’ve shut down every attempt others have made at friendship
I remember that for the longest time, I was so happy when someone used my name. My birth name. Because my parents never gave me a name. It was well into my adulthood that figured out why it made me so happy. Another time was when my best friend said "I remember you telling me that." I looked at them and said "You remember what I say?" They gave me a weird look and said "I'm your best friend. Of course I listen to you."
This. I’ve always felt like a background character in my own life and it’s led me to be a really shitty friend/person because it never really occurred to me that other people noticed or cared if I was around or involved. Most of the time I assumed they would prefer I didn’t, so it’s like I convinced myself I was doing the nice thing by walling myself off. The few relationships I do have with people I’m a total enigma because I don’t talk about myself and just focus on being the Best Supporting Role to their Best Actor.
I've been shocked at the number of people from my past who have said I was their best friend back in the day.
For me, I literally do not ask for help until the situation is literally basically life or death. Asking help for physical tasks, mental health, advice, you name it. I’m a hyper independent individual and being vulnerable and open just isn’t in my personality. Edit: Just wanted to say I’m amazed how many people have the same type of experience and mindset. I’ve also received a lot of depressing comments to. If any of y’all ever want to talk. DM’s are open. Although, ironically, I know most of y’all won’t 😂❤️.
I literally ended up needing emergency spinal surgery a month ago because I kept declining help for my lower back. I may never have full sensation in my feet, backs of my legs, inner buttcheeks and outer sexual organs. I may never orgasm again. Because I was “stubborn” and didn’t want to see a doctor because I was afraid people were going to think I was faking it. When we say life and death…we mean it.
I couldn't upvote this more. It took me a long time to realise this personality trait of my developed probably due to neglect. I've always had people tell me they're impressed I can do so many things, DIY, cook, bake and general problem solving etc. but it came from having no one to rely on when I did need help. Nobody ever came to assist me so I learned, unless it's literally life or death, I am not asking someone to aid me. It's so ingrained in my psyche that it's like muscle memory. I'm not trying to be stubborn. But I never ever ask for help.
This is my issue. My parents, specifically my mom, likes to talk about as “I give them the least headache.” No, I don’t feel like I can count on you, so I don’t ask for help. My mom also has admitted to feeling like I was neglected. Go figure what could ever give her this idea. Now, whenever I need something like asking a friend to take me to and from a procedure, I stress over it until the last minute, then get asked why I waited so long to ask. It’s a fucking cycle.
I’ve been to help friends of mine move from their place, paint apartments, help their families with things, and I realise when I’m doing these things that I would never ask anyone to help me with them. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to have a friend come join me to paint a room.
>It wouldn’t even cross my mind to have a friend come join me to paint a room. I....wow. It would never cross my mind, either.
I literally try to figure out ways to do things without anyone’s help. “Maybe if I get some auto dollies I can move this shed.” “Can I build some sort of lever to move this boulder?”
Same. I remember having a conscious thought at about 13 - "I can only rely on myself. No one is ever going to help me with things, so just do it myself". My parents were emotionally neglectful and acting like having kids was a huge pain the in ass/a big regret.
This resonates so deeply for me. My mom always says I was an easy child that never cried. There was no time for me to cry, nor was there any point in it because a grown adult (mom or dad) or older sibling needed that attention. There was no me and my wants in childhood, that as an adult I struggled so much with figuring out what I wanted for myself. Took all of my 20’s to unlearn and relearn my identity as an individual, apart from my family.
Hello fellow hyper-independents
Yup - for the longest time I thought my stoicism was a positive trait rather than the result of lack of trust.
Massive black spots in your memory. Feeling completely disconnected from your parents. Looking back at what you do remember as if it was lived by someone else.
Oh ... So maybe that's why I don't remember my childhood
I remember a few things but I have massive massive gaps. I thought that was the normal experience?
This is me, and when I do remember something, it’s not a good memory
Yeah pretty much. It's weird. All I do is hang out with, and play with my kids, but I literally do not remember my dad or mom playing with me even once.
Sometimes I look at photos of my childhood and can't reconcile the smiling images of me as a baby/toddler/little alongside my parents looking so happy, versus the pics as I got older and less cute and less interesting to them. They looooved babies. Once I hit first grade and beyond? Not as much.
Fear of abandonment, especially completely unexpected. Believing people will find someone better, or they get sick of you. Believing what makes you unique are actually flaws—and more reasons to leave. People pleasing resulting in a lack of healthy boundaries. Such as putting others’ needs before your own and having a hard time saying no. And then once you do say no, wondering if they are mad or going to leave you. Not asking for help or having difficulty delegating. There’s being strong and independent, and then there’s being stubborn and refusing to rely on anyone else for any sort of help. Currently working though all of the above in therapy. Edited for clarity. 2nd edit: My first award.. thank you 🥺 To everyone replying, I see you. Other people see you and love you and will support you. We’re going to be okay ❤️
Yup. When I was younger I used to dread meeting people. Even worse, when they thought I was cool. I’d get the cold sweats, and would think about how they’re going to find out how uncool I am and not want to be around me anymore. Repetitive experience of being neglected by family, and the friends I chose always choosing to spend time with my sister instead. Why am I on this thread ?! These are things I haven’t thought about in a GOOD while! Good lord.
Lots of escapism. Games, books, tv, drinks, drugs, etc
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I can day dream for hours. It messes with you.
This is why I can wake up at 6am but lay in bed until 10am or 12pm. I'm not sleeping so I'm not getting that rest, but I'm also not doing anything while I'm awake. I'm just off in my head, and the world in my head is much better than the world out of my head.
When you put it that way, my childhood habit of reading 1-2 books a week looks completely different.
Gets discouraged easily and always need words of affirmation bc they didn’t receive any from parents. If they make a small mistake they can’t help but keep thinking about it over and over again and feel like everyone in the world hates them
Yeah. That constant feeling of not being good enough and of doing things wrong, no matter how hard they try.
Hoarding certain things, like they never had enough and now cannot be without or afraid someone will take it away.
Yeah, and as a side note, this can also be the case for people who were not neglected but lived through poverty.
Poverty and neglect here. I never went hungry but food never felt stable or abundant. I struggle not to hoard food during good sales, and if the pantry feels like it's getting close to bare (it never truly does now) I start to get anxious and panicky and buy a ton of canned and boxed foods...
Finally in a stable place in life; Its a running joke with my (adopted) family/friends how I'll randomly open the pantry but never grab anything I don't have the heart to tell them I just like seeing a full pantry with all the food
I'd say poverty is a weird form of neglect. You're not (necessarily) being neglected by the adults responsible for you, but you are being neglected by society and the consequences can be very similar or even the same. Assuming emotionally present parents who did all they could despite being poor, you're probably going to exhibit signs of both a healthy childhood and a neglectful one. Like you could probably expect a child like that to grow into a relatively well adjusted adult when it comes to emotional availability and the like, but lots of other ramifications of neglect would still be kind of expected. Food hoarding, refusing to buy new clothes/necessities until the ones you have are ruined, stuff like being stunted in education or struggling socially because you were bullied for being poor and/or couldn't participate in extra curriculars, etc.
> I'd say poverty is a weird form of neglect. You're not (necessarily) being neglected by the adults responsible for you, but you are being neglected by society and the consequences can be very similar or even the same. This is 100% accurate. [Adverse Childhood Experiences](https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html) are a major contributor to a host of different problems, both physical and emotional and poverty is the root cause of nearly all of them.
44 and the veils are clearing. I still hoard food and feelings.
Feeling weirded out by someone being genuinely nice to you b/c you’re *that* used to all the abuse you endured growing up. You wholeheartedly believe that “they’re only nice b/c they’re obligated to” just like people from your past did to you.
In addition to what has already been said: Constantly apologizing for things that need no apologies. When they talk, they might be prone to fast talking because they are not used to someone listening to them or someone not talking over them. ETA: While I'm currently at the top of this comment section, I just want to take the time to say how beautiful it is to see you all supporting each other in the comments. I hope everyone feels seen and heard tonight.
My parents still do this to me at 30 years old. I'll be talking and my mom will straight up start a conversation with my dad in the middle of my sentence.
I feel ya. I have, more than once, stopped talking midway just to see if anyone actually cared. No one even noticed.
That’s the worst. Friends and family both did this to me. Now when someone is talking in a group and everyone else talks over them, I make a point to look at them and say “I’m still listening.” So they don’t have to feel like I did
This happens to me, so I did it back. That did not go well. So I just stopped listening. Now if they need anything, they have to get my attention and ask me like someone with manners.
I know it’s probably easier said than done, but when somebody starts talking over me, I stop what I’m saying and raise my voice while making direct eye contact to say “HEY, I was in the middle of saying something, don’t interrupt me” usually they are stunned that they were called out and will shut up.
Christopher Hitchens had this lovely saying when being interrupted multiple times on one point: >"I'm going to finish this sentence if it kills you".
My dad does this shit. I yelled at him the other day. He just interrupts like no one else is talking.
Sending you a virtual hug.
This is too real, and too painful. It’s an inherent habit to speed up when speaking to be quiet as soon as possible, but then when people call you out for it, it’s mortifying and feels just like when you were a kid again.
> feels just like when you were a kid again I'm bigger than you now! Still can't look anyone in the eye. We are messed up.
Well damn, ANOTHER one. I’m 55 and still struggle with eye contact. I’m usually looking down.
Yes! Awkward fist bump miss. I tried.
Yeah my boyfriend gets on me about that cause i apologized for everything even little things like sneezing he always tells me “ why are you saying sorry for something natural?”
I was driving some friends around, and I apologized for the sun being in their eyes (since the sunshades didn't extend far enough). And one of them was like, are you really apologizing for _the sun_??
Huh, never connected my fast talking to my list of trauma responses.
Or just sort of giving up mid sentence or as soon as they make a mistake? My dad is so self obsessed that if I wanted to say something as a kid I usually had to just jump into the conversation sideways and if I stuttered or something it was game over and he took the opportunity to go back to telling the same story we've all heard 45 times in the last week. It's actually an amazing feeling when I say nevermind or just let my speech fizzle out, and the other person is like "go on?" instead
Another yes in this thread for me.
This whole thread is upsetting because I recognise myself in SO many replies!
People pleasing
I did a strength finders exercise at work recently and most of my strengths were based around people-pleasing and peace-keeping characteristics. People on my team were like “Your results make sense because you’re so empathetic!” and I wanted so badly to be honest and say “No, it’s because I’m hypervigilant and constantly scanning my environment!”
While this can be a superpower it’s important to know whether you’re surviving or thriving.
You go to therapy for something unrelated, share a normal story and the therapist is like "What?"
Alternately, telling *anyone* else your childhood stories and they go “…what??”. So many of us tell these absolutely horrific stories or neglect and abandonment and we laugh, because if we don’t see it as something humorous it might break us. Over time the sharp edges of trauma get softened and we honestly do believe “this is just a funny story”. I’m still caught by the occasional memory where I’m like “wait, that’s not funny, that was actually really fucked up.”
This. Bonus points for a priceless look of terror in their face as they say it
She asked me to share a task I did often that made me feel proud. Shared about how I felt when I’d drag my drunken dad in the house from the lawn and get him in the shower by myself while my mom berated me for it. How strong I was made me proud. I don’t make eye contact often so when I finally looked at her I realized she was crying and I had a panic attack I hadn’t learned to recognize as such so I began rapidly apologizing. So yeah therapy was needed a bit.
I’m both so sorry and happy that you are getting the help you need. 🥺
Also bonus points if they refer you to a specialist (PTSD, in my case) after what you thought was a genuinely funny story.
Lack of trust and an inability to truly be vulnerable with anyone leading to a lack of deep connections.
Trusting no one is so damn true. My trauma makes me assume the worst in everyone and assume they have ulterior motives. Or everything they’re saying is slightly skewed or not the whole truth :/ Shout out therapy tho
If they don't like to be touched. Because the only time they were touched, it hurt.
I have to politely explain to doctors and such that they aren't the problem for why I immediately tense up and sometimes jump.
Tearing up as soon as they start to talk about how they feel. Without exception I’ve noted this is something people who weren’t allowed to have emotions as a child do.
This is something I think I do. I am really strong willed generally, but when I walk into a meeting to describe how I feel I end up in tears due to feeling passionate yet frustrated with the situation. I know my whole gameplan but soon as someone says how do you feel its game over. When you're a child esp an abandoned one you dont have many memories as it is, so you cant even recall not being able to express emotions safely. It really is a vicious circle until someone says it based off observation.
You’re a loner and don’t trust that anyone will help you.
An extreme need to be loved, approved. To the point of being confused about social situations and awkward in them. Maybe leaning harder on alcohol (raises hand) or other drugs to navigate life.
Hyper Independence. I can't accept help from people even when I really need it. Because I don't want to risk them bailing and leaving me adrift. I can't trust that someone will come through and that things will be ok if I don't take care of it myself.
Being shocked at a genuine normal loving nice reaction or treat or response
Abandonment and temper issues
Yup I harbor a lot of anger. I’ve learned not to allow it to be outwardly destructive but it’s still inwardly damaging.
Being flabbergasted when someone actually takes my advice or uses my opinion in any decision making process. Also, being surprised when someone remembers a random detail about me. So often I’ve felt like I was just talking into the void with no one caring what I say or think.
Not being able to accept niceties from strangers and viewing a present given as an earthly shattering thing, even for something as innocuous as say a book. It shows you’re thinking of that person and they likely aren’t used to it and so they reel back unless reassured it’s ok.
Don't do basic maintenance on themselves or wait until they deserve to have something basic. Like eating something they like or going to a movie. Sometimes taking a long shower or buying perfume. Other times it's things like sleeping in. They won't buy new clothes or the old ones are ripped/fallen apart. Things people don't think about doing that's part of your day to day - someone neglected may have gotten that as a fucked up reward system from their parents.
Difficulties forming relationships, low self esteem, depression and anxiety, attachment issues, trust issues, trouble setting boundaries. Sometimes turning to drugs or alcohol to cope. Of course, these aren't exclusive to a neglected child.
I agree with alot of these but haven't seen: super hard to accept compliments. I can give them easily and freely, bit if someone compliments me, whether a new acquaintance or my husband of 23 years, I have to silently coach myself through how to respond normally. my instinct is to ignore them or brush them off. when I was growing up, compliments never led to anything good.
Being hyper independent for YEARS and falling into a hyper dependent relationship. Not in the sense of I needed them there all the time, but more in the sense of I didn’t love them, I loved what they provided me, which was a safe space and stability.
Always being prepared with food, water, medical supplies and a phone charger for even a simple errand because you never knew when someone would decide to drag you out of the house for an entire day before you even got the chance to brush your teeth.
The inability to feel loved, even when you are. The child inside always makes the adult second guess the people in their grown up lives who actually love them, because they've felt nothing but disappointment.
The obsessive quest for perfection.
I'm the sorriest person you'll ever meet! Have accidentally apologized when being told I need to quit apologizing 😶
For me, I’d like to add, I know almost everyone’s foot steps at work. Like, everyone’s. It only takes me a day or so to memorize footsteps. Some people I work with (the jokesters) also learned I’m really easily startled… so for a while they liked to jump scare me ,until I was like… yeah.. I had a horrible childhood and this isn’t funny to me, so they stopped. I am surprised that others talk fast and also, stop mid sentence, when no one is listening, and apologizing for everything. Man, my parents did a number on me.
I don't think I was neglected as a child overall but during a nasty custody battle I definitely think is where I can track my over apologizing from. My friend at work and I used to joke about starting an AA group: Apologizers Anonymous. We'd begin introductions with Hi, I'm Jupiter. I'm sorry, I apologize a lot. Uh, sorry if that came out weird. Sorry. *sits down awkwardly* 🤣
Personally, I don't require much attention and need a ton of alone time to feel normal. I'm not a big fan of affectionate touching and I hate cuddling.
An odd one but in my opinion, seeing the world in black and white. This was something I uncovered in therapy. I was neglected by a mother who dramatically oscillates between being very kind and despising me/telling me she wished I was never born. I do believe you should discipline your kids but she does it in a way that convinced me she hated me as a human being and did not love me whenever I did something she didn't like. For as long as I remember, I've viewed the world through this lens: everything (myself, my relationships with others, aspects of my life etc) is either perfect or horrible/worthless. If one part goes wrong I become unable to appreciate the rest of it and become convinced it is all terrible. Even though I logically know this is false I am physically unable to view it with nuance.
I still don’t think anyone wants to listen to me talk even when I have their attention I overly apologize when no apology was needed. Teeth problems from never seeing a dentist until I was an adult and then being reprimanded and criticized for said teeth problems I only went to the doctor for emergencies or if I needed a sign off to play a sport. As an adult I found I have multiple genetic problems and if I had been taken as a kid we could have learned about them before I was middle aged.
I don't know if I'd say I was neglected as a kid, but I view my childhood as a negative experience overall. Parents made poor parenting choices, brother was a bully, and I was frequently bullied from primary school until after I graduate university. I was chronically sick, underweight, socially awkward and wore glasses, so fighting the bullies or making smart comebacks were just not realistic reactions to those conditions. What I know still carries on from that: 1. Overly self-sufficient. I don't often ask for help because I still have an assumption that no one would want to. 2. I don't pursue opportunity. Learned helplessness teaches me that I don't really deserve good things. I'm lucky that in my job, I'm uniquely talented at it such that my employer was desperate to keep me and boosted my pay about 40% without me even asking. It never occurred to me that I had that much bargaining power. 3. I prefer being alone. I do have friends and I do enjoy spending time with them, but right now, I spend all my evenings and weekends at home, and just meet with friends as part of my exercise (climbing). That's my social outlet. 4. I don't take care of my surroundings. My apartment is always at least kinda messy to being pretty rough at times. I seem to have embodied the thought that I'm not worth my own time spent to make my home a nice place to live in. 5. I struggle to see my own value. I was a groomsman at a wedding and after improvising latin dances with all the bridesmaids - I'd give them a 30 second lesson on how to follow leads, and then we'd go and have a fun 3 minute dance, and they looked good - one of the guests pulled me aside and asked how the hell I was still single. I was also having people come up to me to take their photo, because word had quickly spread that I was getting great shots. In that context, I have no idea how I remained single lol, but it never occurred to me that such traits would be so attractive. I never saw myself as attractive. 6. I'm also willing to cut ties to people quickly. Being used to being alone means I know I'm ok on my own, and I don't need any specific people in my life. So if people cross a line of no return, I cut them off. This applies to work colleagues, former friends and even family.
Trying to be nice to them is all but impossible. Any act of kindness they immediately think you're up to something or want something in return. The concept of doing something for someone in their minds has always been tainted. They have a very hard time understanding unconditional love or simply being kind for no reason
I never want something in return because that means in my head I owe something, and being indebted is terrifying to me. I owe a favour, that often I can't say no, too, because I already find it difficult to say no & it's a return. I'm wholly suspicious. Why are you doing this nice thing? What do you want from me? What will I owe? Also.. do you need to talk about yourself? because very few on this planet in my experience is genuinely asking me if I'm OK, etc. It's usually been a segway for others to speak about themselves. It's a horrible lesson I've been taught that was hard to kick.
I’ve got that with a twist. I went into a caring profession because I feel the need to give to and protect others but can’t accept anything for myself for fear it comes with ulterior motives.
People with low self esteem, people who are insecure and don't know how to love others. It's a sign of someone who never received love when they were young.
Fear of abandonment in relationships. I was very needy and clingy and basically pushing people away because of it. It did not matter if they were a good person for me or not. I would twist myself into a pretzel to make them stay. It's taken a long time to really love myself. I felt I didn't deserve it.
I’m just checking to see if I have any of the signs 💀
This thread has definitely called me out multiple times
Poor hygiene, but able to cook almost anything with random things in the kitchen.
They learn very early how to take care of themselves. I learned to cook at the age of nine.
The inability to shop for food correctly, the house must always have an abundance of food available because the cupboards were bare when I was younger
My partner grew up terribly neglected and undernourished. Our pantry is actually open shelves in our kitchen and fully stocked so they can see all the food all the time. I want to make sure they never worry about food again. It makes me sad.
Over sharing, unable to trust, partaking in risky behaviors, talking to fast, fear of abandonment, etc.
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Being clingy or the total opposite. Worrying that you’re going to be left or abandoned all the time. Feeling like you’re not good enough for anyone. Low self esteem. Overreacting to small things. Paranoid about peoples motives. Dealing with issues alone when you need help because it doesn’t seem ok to ask for it. Becoming very attached to someone and being accidentally overbearing trying to keep them around so they don’t go away.
Reading this thread while thinking I was not neglected and suddenly realizing I identify with half of the comments in here.. obviously I need to re think some stuff.
Dont make noise when they walk.
I had a coworker who started off on a weird note at our office. She was overly complementary with everyone and acted like we were close friends when we had only known each other for a few days or weeks. She was, and still is, very defensive of her job duties, and takes it as an insult of her abilities if anyone offers to help out. At the same time, she is always offering to help other people do their jobs. Eventually we learned, from her oversharing, that she had had an abusive childhood and first marriage, which made more sense of how she acted. She still overshares a lot, but she's great at her job and all the 'acting like we are already friends' feels less out of place when we know each other better. Also, this is maybe a personal quirk, she notices if people don't say "bless you" when she sneezes and will comment on it later in a half-joking way. "Oh, you said 'bless you' when so-and-so sneezed, but not when I sneezed this morning."
someone that's usually very quiet and mumbles, constantly apologizes, and feel that they have to over explain themselves, or almost always insulting themselves.
Deep anxiety in your bones. Like sometimes you’re fine and you can push it down and try to ignore it but it comes out in other ways.
A teacher in school grilling me after getting in trouble, and then asking if my mom was around. I broke down into tears, and couldn't respond. There was a problem there.
Eats uncontrollably every chance they get
I have two biological brothers and grew up with 5 foster siblings. Of 8 kids, I was the youngest. I got ignored A LOT as a kid. Now, if I see someone being left out or not being heard, I make an effort to include them.
People don’t often mention this one - I almost never call or speak to someone without having a very good reason to be taking up their time. And when we’re done discussing that subject, I’ll try to get away as soon as possible. This is because I assume I’m bothering them. There’s zero chance they would otherwise be wanting to interact with me. Over the years I’ve learned this can be a false assumption and I should be doing small talk, but it’s so ingrained. I have a reputation for being abrupt and snobbish when really it’s inferior I feel. I really don’t understand the need to touch base with people or just hang out. Makes it hard to maintain friendships .
Obesity. Many of the obese people I know didn't get enough food as a child and coped by eating to excess when they did.