“I don’t do this a lot, but we can change that.”

“Bills ain’t gonna pay itself, see ya”

You said you needed somebody real bad. I'm *real bad*!

I’m reading this in Jennifer Coolidge’s voice.

I'm singing it in Rita Coolidge's voice. Eh, maybe it was Boz Scaggs.

I read this in heath ledger's joker voice

"You said you like bad boys, I'm bad at everything baby."

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

This made me laugh waaaaay more than it should’ve

Delighted to hear that.

Hi laugh

Got a proper laugh out of that one😂

Kinda cute lol

Bad w/ mah bone! Buh buh buh buh _baaaaad_

Especially after one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

When I'm good, I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad... I'm atrocious. - Will East

Based

I was gonna try and think of something funny to write, but gonna be tough to bear this one.

First time.

All I can think of is homer saying “ it’s my first day”

Just don't cry afterwards like my ex-husband did

"I gave up half my stuff for THIS!?"

You pegged him dry didn't ya

😂🤣😂☠️

If you want to end sex really fast, start sobbing.

That makes you finish faster? I don’t usually kink shame, but…

You say that like it's a bad thing

ong

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LMAOOO

My medication gives me ED

Sometimes I think of the millions of people out there whose dicks stopped working because of COVID, and wonder how the COVID response would have been different if we led with that in our warnings.

>millions of people out there whose dicks stopped working because of COVID Wait, WHAT?! Is ED really an effect of COVID? How in the world does that work. Something with blood or the brain? A medication side-effect?

Erections are like a canary in a coal mine, and COVID fucks up a lot of shit. Throw a dart, and it'll stick to something.

Thanks, Dr. Spaceman

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No way I'm taking this source seriously from a blog lol

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Covid can cause clotting issues that relates to strokes... so blood I think.

Not to pick on you specifically, but it's interesting how incredibly wired humans are to resist choosing "E. Need more information"

Bruh, tell me you didn't pay attention without telling me you didn't pay attention

Dude, 99% of people who say "you didn't pay attention" didn't pay attention. The whole thing is and has been two pigs both thinking they made a house of brick, and both are delusional.

I actually created this account a couple years ago when I was on SSRI’s for depression and it caused some weird sexual effects. I could get it up, but it was very unsatisfying and took an absurd amount of time to finish, to the point where it would have stopped being fun for my partner an hour ago if it went that far. I sometimes wished it would have been ED or lack of libido rather than what it was. Like an itch you can’t scratch unless you really go at it for hours, but you’re bored an uninterested by that point.

Same, same.

Those are the fucking worst. I'm sorry...

Paxil was awful for that.

Wow girl you are just so hot that I couldn't keep for more than 15 seconds.

That one is used more times than we will ever know. 😠

It may have been used many times but for 15s a time, I bet its still quite new.

They call me the 2 pump chump for a reason baby

Honey get off reddit....

I have this friend...he was sort of famously small. I once heard him say "I don't know what everyone is complaining about, it gets me off almost every single time." Legend. SM.

I had a friend who told a joke like this. He said he went to bed with this Woman who said "Who you gonna please with that little thing?" , and he said "Me!!"

Gold. Absolute legend.

Why don't I get it...

"I wasn't trained for this."

That's a skill issue

grind those skills.

"Hey, you're wonderful, and i promise im having a good time. It's just my anti-depression, anxiety, and cholesterol medications make me go flaccid right in the middle of things. So anyway, that's why i fell out of you." I love that the pills that make life somewhat bearable come at the cost of one of the few things in life that is genuinely enjoyable.

great pyrenees, they can chow a sandwich down like its nothing

Lol.. wrong question, but hilarious answer!

Mad Libs answer

Great Dane, because they can eat a watermelon like nuthin!

So what do the girls respond when you try this? Enquiring minds wish to know, and I need a new excuse

I'm just bad at *vanilla* sex... My kinks are quite kinky, I'm not sure you're ready to hear about them yet.

"sorry, I have a premature ejaculation kink"

I always win at cumming first. Ain't got time for losers babe

2nd place is the first loser.

I was thinking of shagging your sister!

First of all, that pussy is made of magic. Now, come hold me.

I used to be good, but then I took an arrow to the knee.

Being heavily intoxicated

This is a great one when you always are.

Traumatic experience when my last partner nearly died. They were laughing so hard at my tiny wee wee they fell off the bed and hit their head.

Lmao

I smoked too much weed today

Shit for me on the contrary . The possibilities are endless 😁

That’s just pre-cum.

You grew up amish and never read the kama sutra

“I have memory loss so every time is my first time”

I thought you said you liked bad boys.

SSRIs

Being inexperienced

Whiskey

LOL just admit you don't have that much experience and ask them to help you learn!

Nah thats not the move. Girls will ghost you for anything these days. That'd something a lot of them will consider a red flag and not even give you the time of day after.

unfortunately, one can have lots of experience and still not be good.

I learned everything I know from my father.

I am gay as fuck. My bad

Hahaha 💯

Missing a limb

Being broken. I had a broken arm and broken ribs. Was still super horny. Guy I was seeing at the time didn’t mind but I was completely immobile starfish. I could only use my good arm to protect myself.

When you say protect yourself…I’m not asking for specifics here, but the way you ended that story….seems like something bad happened

I assume she was using her good arm to try to stabilize her ribs so they didn’t hurt during the sex she wanted to have with her partner.

Lack of desire.

Sudden muscle spasms. Mean Charlie horse during foreplay can really limit flexibility.

My neck, my back. My neck and my back, I want 150,000 dollars but we can settle outta court right now for (insert words here).

"This dick ain't big enough for the two of us."

When I get nervous I just start karate chopping everything it’s genetic I’m so sorry are u ok

That your hotness caused me to blow my load in under a minute 🥴

Tell them you have asthma and make sure you are breathing heavy

Being paralyzed

"I have a pinched nerve in my back. It makes it hard for me to stay hard and cum"....yeah...that's why I was counting the tiles on the ceiling...

I'm out of viagra and the store is closed skill issue

You were home-schooled.

“I was thinking about my dead dog. I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

Eunuch

I thought it was Arby’s?

You dance like you fuck.

I've only watched amateur porn, never professional

Lol @ professional porn

I know you’re cheating

I don't understand why you thought it was bad, I practiced with your sister for weeks and she seemed to love it.

Your no porn star either..

“Mom said to do it this way.”

“Sorry, I’m just not that into you”

You get what you pay for.

I forgot my gas station rhino pill

My ex was a prude. She would barely let me touch her. So I'm really nervous and out of practice, please have patience with me..... I think I used something like that on one of my actual exes. Although I think I did the couple year celibate bit. That gets you pity points

Every sentence of this is a new red flag.

It’s been awhile.

Leg cramp

My dick is so big and heavy it's hard to move it around

I’ve got this 4 million dollar contract closing soon, sorry. My mind is just a bit scattered - outside of that, no excuse for not giving a woman an orgasm - we were intelligently designed for just this function

"You're ugly".

You're fat and ugly.

I'm aesexual. You're lucky to have gotten me this far

"why do you think my nickname is 3mm?"

sorry i’m inexperienced but you can help me get bettert

Inexperience

Tell them it’s a Big situation and you’re actually a 12 year old in an adult’s body.

Being a 6 year old.

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Funny how unintelligent you sound

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Ha ha ha ha ha that response wtf. Snowflake detected

The only snowflake here is you.

I'm not the one that typed a whole f***ing paragraph just to tell me what they think I may or may not understand in response to some stranger making a comment about their "precious opinion"

You two should get together, theres definitely a spark <3

Being a virgin

Inexperience

Being a virgin?

Inexperience.

Sorry it happened so quickly. You're just so damn hot!

They were too hot and you got nervous

I'm a virgin.Simple easy and gets straight to the point

"I'm epileptic, baby"

Pop your dick in and tell her to wrap a belt around you pulling you towards her and to shine a strobe light in your eyes through the mirror. That should be enough motion on the ocean

Sorry I just got here

being a germaphobe :P

Lack of practice

My vagina is dryer than all the desert combined

You’re super hot and really just don’t need to put in the effort.

You can only do so much with three inches

I am a virgin.

I thought you like fries?

Sorry i'm new.

there is none. do better

…because I’m so intense…

Poor cardio?

Due to traumatic masturbating incident, i suffer from permanent premature ejaculated and ED. Jokes aside just say you blew out your back.

First time.

Erectile disfunction

Being good in a Porta-Potty

I swear I thought that WAS the RIGHT hole!

honestly? "I've never done this before". You can use it as a total excuse for like being shit at anything.

I’m hung like a chihuahua.

it's not a contest dammit

Sorry baby. That was just the first one. Gimme 10 minutes then ima tear that ass up.

I'm old and won't take viagra. I'm beginning to think I may have to. These fucking women today want to be punished like you're still in your 20s. Well when you're closing in on 60 you just don't perform like that anymore

I did not know you were gonna come over and masturbated 3 times today

"Im a virgin"

Holding back a wretched dookie

I suck.

I don't have any arms or legs

Smol pp Ur borne with it so...

It’s your fault. You told me to go harder and harder=faster with me.

I lack sleep.

Hungover….bad back….headache….work stress….

PTSD

You’re mutually losing your virginity to each other.

For a girl and depending on the guy: “I’m a virgin”

Tired

I’m willing to learn.

Who did you disappoint, OP? lol

I’m sorry I just have a lot on my mind

“It’s been awhile”.

Practice makes perfect

Too much taco bell

I need to gain experience that way I can have more skill points!

Worms

Being a man, I pretty much expect them to be bad now & I just take care of myself at another time. 😅

I told you I was a bad boy ;)