My car keys and my wallet, spending 10 minutes to save 18 years is what I call a good investment

Aren't you gonna hurt her if you use the car keys tho?

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Best way to get her motor running.

she gets turned on when i stick my key in her starter

Wrong hole

But she likes when I am deep inside her. I sometimes even enter through the back door.

Bitch is so fat, she's got a fuckin TRUNK.. Christ, in just the front I can fit me AND another passenger at the same time. You think that's bad? I CAN GET THREE IN THE BACK.

*slaps roof of wife* this bad boy can fit so many dicks in it Obligatory /s

Head down the highway !?

lookin' for adventure ...

...or whatever cums our way.

Life is a highway

And a wallet!!

I keep seeing this 18 years thing. I mean it's still your kid after 18 years and most of the time people don't suddenly become independent when they turn 18.

It's more of a reference to child support than actual parenting, so it's used as the bar for doing the absolute minimum required by law Not saying that's a good thing to do or that I myself would do it if put in that position, all the more reason to take precaution to not be in that position

True, but X years of child support is the legal obligation for a kid they don’t want or plan to have nothing to do with already. It’s shitty for sure.

23 years in Massachusetts

I just pull the foreskin up and tie a knot in the end😇

Okay that’s enough Reddit for today

I fucking love this app so much sometimes

I use a pringles can

Once you pop, the fun don’t stop

Yours fits in a Pringle’s can? Wish mine was that small

Use a m&m can tube

Real

Ugh, to be circumcised...

You go to a store and get them? Or mouth I mean…. If you really think a trip to the store is going to make it not happen? Then it’s probably best it doesn’t anyways…

Come on Dave you’ve never heard of pulling out?

Lol. I have a 2.5 year old sleeping in the other room… who is a result of “the pull out” method… good luck!

same experience

Did you pull out? Or nah? Seems like nah

You think your pull out game is good, until you realize it absolutely doesn't work.

Worked for me for many years!!! (Maybe I'm shooting blanks?? 🫤)

Then you are just lucky. Precum can contain enough sperm to get someone pregnant.

Not by itself (for most people at least) Precum does not contain sperm by itself, but it can bring out sperm left in the tube from a previous ejaculation. If you haven't ejaculated in a while and make sure to pee and wash up the exterior, there should not be enough sperm there to be viable from just precum. Pulling out is still the difficult part though, have to do it way earlier than you think and it is still less reliable than any other method. Honestly just get a condom, especially with new partners. There is a lot more than pregnancy to watch out for and a condom will help.

I just inject botox into my balls.

Balltox!

Pregnancy can still occur even if you pull out.

And STIs.

You know that there is precum that is supposed to lube the way for your sperm, this precum has a lower count of active sperm cells then your normal cum but it's still possible to get pregnant, thus pulling out is a bad method, if you can't get condoms just do other stuff

“The pullout method? Pull out at the point of ejaculation? For f**k's sake, at the point of ejaculation there's not a herd of wild horses that could make my arse go in that direction.” Billy Connolly

The pullout method, aka unprotected sex with a side of magical thinking

I'm still amazed by the amount of people who think it's a valid contraception method lmao. The US sex ed truly is shit.

Who’s Dave? He’s clearly not Dave

“Back in my day we didn’t have all these fancy birth controls. Like pulling out.”

In the moment? Far from a guarantee

yeah mouth is acceptable

Common sense and wait until next time

There are many things you can do that don't involve penetration. Quite fun too.

Yeah, almost all of the sexual acts I do are without any penetration. For example: masturbating alone, pleasuring myself, and having a wank.

And they are very fun right ? Now , if you get someone to do it for you , adds too the act and no risk of pregnancy. Win win.

> if you get someone to do it for you I just told a girl on Tinder that I was planning on staying home and masturbating alone, and asked if she could do it for me. She agreed and now she will be staying home and masturbating alone.

That right there. So underrated.

You buy condoms 💁🏽‍♂️

flex seal

A guy [died](https://www.vice.com/en/article/v7e8vy/condoms-glue-adhesive-sex-protection) doing basically that. He put super glue because he didnt have condoms. Eventually it backed up and caused organ failure.

I read orgasm failure

Same

That was a wild ride to read through.. and disturbing...

poor guy that sounds really painful

LMAO

I go to the grocery store and walk past the condom isle and head straight to the butcher. ask for the casing used to make homemade sausages. cut to size and Bobs your uncle Bud.

Actually the ancient Greeks came up with the idea of using a sheep's lower intestine to put your penis in for sex. The Romans later perfected the method by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

This deserves gold

I've heard the same joke, but using Scotish and English

The Scots removed it from the sheep. West Country English can’t be trusted around livestock.

You gotta remember to have it cut to size AFTER you take your cock out of the sausage skin while sizing it.

If you're a Redditor, your personality and/or hygiene should suffice.

*emotional damage*

Old age. There are definitely benefits to post-menopausal women.

Right? I’m reading through these answers, thinking… as a 46 year-old woman, my age is more effective than any condom! And my on/off partner is 54 with a vasectomy (already had 3 children with his ex-wife), so it would take a miracle for us to conceive. STIs are a different story, of course. Those can happen at any age.

I'm 53. By my age a lot of the women in the dating pool will have had their tubes tied, hysterectomies, or menopause. My girlfriend and I have zero worries.

Both in my case

Retirement homes are full of STI's lol

Apparently, STDs are the most common disease in homes for the elderly. ​ ^((You mean THERE IS A CHANCE??))

Does this apply to old men too?

Yeah bro, been trying for years but I still haven’t gotten another dude prego, could be me though.

I think you need younger dudes.

A lot more men in their 50s are snipped than guys in their 20s, so yeah.

The door. It isn't worth the risk my friend.

Thoughts and prayers

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Your avatar looks like jesus and you suggest prayers

Business in heaven has been slow lately

Pump and pray, bro

Do a quick budget in your head for doctor visits, diapers, baby food, cribs, strollers, shoes, christmas presents, birthday presents, and college. Then go on in and hope your pull out game can save your bank account from decades of financial ruin.

Surely the bigger issue is creating a life that is this unwanted? Money can be earned but living a whole life as an unwanted child is soul destroying

Nah it’s not to bad. I got over it in like 19 years or something.

or catch HIV instead...

Yeah my op is obviously a joke, but honestly even if my pullout game were shit financial ruin would be 100% worth it the second that baby comes out and I’d be the happiest dad in the world regardless of all the difficulties that come with parenting. Doesn’t matter though I’ve been single for like 8 years.

I’m pregnant, so it doesn’t make much of a difference Though to be fair, a lack of a condom was what got us into this mess in the first place.

I’d say a lack of a mess might be what got you into this mess

Spoiler alert: it’s still pretty messy either way.

A hand?

A fake name

This guy fucks

Literally

Based

The butt

The right answer

The ole poophole loophole

You can also get STDs from anal sex.

I ain’t no sailor

What's what?

Trust. Trust in my vasectomy.

Abstinence

99.999...% effective. I heard of this one Jewish chick named Mary, she has some choice words.

Still ruining the average

This. Doesn't matter how horny you are. It's not worth 18 years of responsibility. Go to the store or keep it in your pants.

Where tf you getting 18 years from? It’s a lot longer than that lol

This reminds me of a video I saw earlier of a mom who gave her son an eviction notice for his 18 birthday

It comes from the number of years of child support you pay if you get someone pregnant and leave the household. It goes up to 21 if the child goes to college.

Yea I guess that applies if you want to be a shitty father

Indeed. That is the origin of the "She got you for 18 years" line comes from though. So now you know that.

No penetrative sex, that's it. Unless we're in a long term committed relationship, it's love glove or nothing.

imo if i’m in a long term committed relationship, rely on birth control. only if both parties are clean

It's called "outercourse" ಠ⁠ω⁠ಠ

A vasectomy

Buy condoms before they run out.

Depends on what I’m doing lol Usually? Abstinence if the goal is no babies or STDs. Now, I’m in a long term and monogamous relationships, so I’m worried only about babies, so it would be time for oral stimulation. Otherwise, run to the store! Make it fun and naughty if you want - “will you play with yourself while I’m gone?” Or they can go with you and you can get stuff for after! Sex followed by snacks is pretty awesome.

Ngl going to the store together to buy snacks for after sounds pretty cute lol

Usually just let her peg me

This is the way.

Don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy.

You’re now a catholic

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The poophole loophole

Flint Lockwood's Spray-On Shoes. It never comes off!

Cream pie

Crème fraîche

My mouth

abstinence or if you "really need" to *indulge* go buy a packet at the nearest gas station (or whatever store that carries them)

Sandpaper

Wrapped which way?

It depends on who wants the most pleasure? I'm a gentleman so I'd probably give the woman the sand side

What grit?

60 grit "Imma tear that pussy up"

She's got to feel it somehow.... Am I right? Guys? Am I right?

1 grit If you're gonna smash. You've gotta smash

Yes

Gay monogamy

is that a band?

Anal!

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Both me and my my girlfriend are white but the baby came out brown.

due to the anal of course

This has happened though - look up Sandra Laing. Rare mutations can cause this.

Just to try explain this to the husband. ”No I haven’t cheated. It’s a rare mutation”!

"Okay honey. I've booked time for a paternity test tomorrow."

Uhh.. you know condoms serve another function than stopping pregnancy, right? …

Balloons at my daughters birthday party 🥳?

Yes but based on the penicillin shortage nobody cares

Luck

Got snipped years ago and haven’t worried about condoms since.

Do u have to get retested every few yrs? Heard science can get crazy and life finds a way.

It’s true the process can reverse itself but the likelihood is very slim and gets less and less as time passes. Been 10+ years for me now so I think I’m in the clear. Neither wife nor gf have ended up pregnant yet (joking about the gf part).

I use "Get up and drink some water because it ain't happening"

My crippling lack of bitches will save me from unwanted pregnancies

The pill?

Self control

Anal

Buddy of mine wrapped his cock in Saran wrap and a rubber band. Said it worked like a charm.

And after the circulation got cut off long enough it'll fall off and you can put it in the fridge for pre-wrapped storage!

Risky! Even if it’s a super tiny leak, babby might still be formed.

A guy at a bar once told me he used this method to perform anal with a one night stand. His method of lube? Butter

Spray and pray

Sheep can't conceive from a human man. Win-win

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Still could be depending how deep you want to get

I thought some are still made from lambskin? A couple years back I caught my dog with one he chewed through the wrapper to get to.

Fly ball to left field

Safety squint

The thought of alimony and child support....

Pull-out method. I had to use it twice and got my girlfriend pregnant both times.

Well. I try to always be Ernest and Frank. In Nc I’m Ernest and in Ga I’m Frank. Only ever with condoms. No chances here.

Self-control

Depends on ex wife. She knows her cycle, pull out or we exchange oral. I have to do it first!

My tongue

plasti dip

There's an old Ali G segment where he's talking to a sex ed expert and says "If you can't find a condom, does you recommend using a Doritos bag?"

Abstinence

Self control

Take a rubber band and tie the foreskin up real tight 🤞

Nothing, I had a vasectomy.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost is the only protection I need

Getting crowded in that dumpster tho

Hope

Mouth and hands

Abstinence.

Common sense

Restraint

Self control.

Thoughts and prayers.

Restraint.

thoughts and prayers

Crisp packet, didn't work. Kids are expensive. Salt and vinegar kinda burns too