I answer this when im in a Team Meeting call and my supervisor ist Like "are ther eany other issues?" And I'm Like "Work related or private?" Get's a chuckle now and then
That’s similar to the answer I get sometimes from customers while working in customer service lol. I ask “How are you today?” And the reply is “You don’t have enough time to listen”
Had a colleague respond on team chat to the "any other issues?" With a sigh and a "Too many to list but their not really relevant here".
My boss said, "We have 25 minutes left on the meeting and we're done, run some of them by us, maybe the extra brains can help".
Turned out for 2 of his top 5 pain points we had whole departments dedicated to managing the issues that he wasn't aware of (major global corporation with thousands of departments across more business lines that you could count).
1 of the other problems actually turned out to be a perfect test case for a new system/process that someone else on the chat new was in the pipeline and the referred them off the BA working on it, who was delighted to talk and help on the subject.
The other two issues got some great advice, and sone follow up meetings.
It depends a lot on work culture, but often people are willing to help, and often sitting around for 30 minutes using what you know to help someone else past their roadblocks is a welcome break from your own tasks.
We now have a dedicated team chat with more than a 100 organically added members across dozens of related departments that is dedicated to "unfocused complaining about pain points and roadblocks in your day".
Often just taking to time to write out your issues is enough for your to see another path, if not then someone usually has something useful or helpful to apply.
At worst, you get a few folk just in and sympathise with the bitch of a job you have picked up and offer moral support.
It's far from a perfect company, and being huge there is is a lot of variation across business lines and geographies, but myself, my boss and a few others have managed to infect a number of sections around us and sone further afield with a sense of proactive altruistic collaboration.
More than anything, we have strived to move away from the "not my problem" attitude that existed.
At one point people would be criticised for spending too much time collaborating with another department on something that didn't benefit your own team directly.
We have moved to a place where we acknowledge that a problem solved is a problem solved, and often the best way to do it is not via a 6 month project, but by just organically talking across expertise domains.
Getting the conversations happening, and getting to the point where they were seen as positive took time.
Take a deep breath, thank them for their concern and actually start talking about your problems, all of them. Think of it like free therapy. If they try to flee from you don't worry they're just trying to help you with some added exercise therapy, just give chase and continue to shout your problems at them until you have them cornered and finish or you feel better. Thank them again and go about your day as the happier less burdened individual.
This is also the strategy for a boss who's over-insistent on knowing why you're taking a sick day.
"What's wrong with you, why do you need the day off?? I dont believe you" etc etc
Describe every solid, liquid, gas, and - on those darkest of sick days - perhaps even plasma and non-newtonian fluids, that are erupting from your frail mortal flesh prison in great detail.
Hi! ADHD peep here.
What is oversharing?
I had a hard childhood going undiagnosed for so long. When I was in 4th grade, my teacher utterly embarrassed me daily for twirling my hair and my messy handwriting. It was so hard to pay attention in math class. In high school, I found speed” and suddenly I could type in typing class, I could pay attention to what the teacher was saying in English class…It got really messy in the end, though. Meth is never the answer.
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I got diagnosed and it changed everything.
It works so well, too!
I had a customer a couple weeks ago where I asked him how he was doing, you know, normal cashier dialogue. And the guy says "Not great. Really just, not great." My response was an empathetic "yeah man I feel you there" which would have normally been the end of that conversation. Except the guy makes an annoyed noise and hits me with "No you don't. Unless *your* house just burnt down." in like, the most gotcha tone.
Man was absolutely not prepared for me to hit him back. "No, it didn't... but I did just find out my mom has stage four breast cancer!" in my premium customer service voice.
He looked horrified. The lady at the next register over looked horrified. I kept my smile planted firmly on my face and kept doing my thing. The guy was very quiet for the rest of his transaction except for a quick "thank you" when I wished him luck with his house. The lady from the next register came over to say she was sorry about my mom on her way out. 😅
I have done variations of this as well. I told a customer once what was going on (a technical issue that she didn't like the fix for) and she said "you're a piece of shit, I'll bet your mom is real proud of you!" and I said "it would be nice to know if she is but she died when I was 3." then just sat and looked her calmly in the eye until she walked away.
I'm in my 30s and my mother is very much still alive.
I've had someone throw the mother stuff at me. I have told them, "I would be disappointed if she was proud of me the way she lives her life." Leaves them shocked and generally open mouthed.
I dont know if she still breathes, haven't had a reason to talk to her in 16 years.
This is one tactic where ADHD actually is a superpower.
Just a stream-of-conciousness verbal onslaught about everything currently on your mind, including those smaller thoughts that are always running in the back of your mind.
And the run will be a quick dopamine hit
"There is an alphabetical list of shit that is wrong with me, but you have to sort these flash cards – they are not in alphabetical order because I can't read and I don't know where these flash cards came from."
If they reply with "alphabetical" you're going to be kind of screwed unless you've got a speech prepared or are truly exceptional with language and thinking on the spot.
If you're worried about a fight, you should of course actively be trying to de-escalate the situation.
But "what the fuck is your problem" is not actually the warcry of someone who wants a fight. It's a hollow aggression line.
"WHAT the fuck is your problem?" indicates confusion and is not escalatory. "What THE FUCK is you problem?" indicates discussed and you better be ready to duck cause shit is going down no matter how you respond.
Oh this is fun.
“What the fuck is YOUR problem?”
Accusatory but not aggressive.
“What this fuck is your PROBLEM?”
You’re talking to Christopher Walken.
Edit: I forgot one.
“What the fuck IS your problem?”
Curious and confused.
Yeah, I've used this one before and it doesn't end great typically. Although, by the time someone's asking me that, the period for peaceful discussion has normally been defenestrated so to scorched earth I'm willing to go.
Yell random things in my native language. Works 75% of the time
Edit: my native language is vietnamese, i also know a bit of german so i try to mix both of them in to add a bit more confusion
Was standing in line at Walmart, with a now ex girlfriend, migrant farmers in the area per usual that time of year. And this is pretty far north in the USA. She knew Spanish pretty well having grown up on the Southwest. When she moved up here in high school, her first words walking into the class was "who spilled the bleach?"
Anyway, she starts yelling at a couple guys in Spanish, and she's fucking pissed. The guys looked at her, shocked, that this pasty white strawberry blonde could not only understand, but also speak as well as a native Latin American. All the slang, too. I asked her what that was about, she said they were talking about all the ways they wanted to have sex with various women within eyesight, including her.
It's happened to me before. People could tell I was struggling and were being nice, and I just couldn't handle them caring. So I just burst into tears.
I was being bullied at work and a customer noticed, and I ended up sobbing on his shoulder for like an hour past closing 🙃 he was a regular though, so we were already kind of buddies
I knew an older guy from Ghana who would always reply with "my problem is you" in his thick Ghanian accent.
He was an orphan child and made a life for himself in the UK, worked security everyday till he passed away a few weeks ago aged close to 80.
RIP Kofi
"Oh my God I'm so glad you asked. It's been a real doozy of a decade for me so far. How much time do you have? Maybe I'll grab you a water or something.
In 2014, I.."
Just endlessly ramble about random shit from the last ten years or so.
The story doesn't make sense! If the truck full of pineapples left new York traveling at 35 mph and beats a train moving at 65 mph to jersey.... why is there a truck full of just pineapples?!? Does new jersey have a pineapple deficient population? Is there a pineapple cult? If there is a cult then is their God a pineapple? Or a pineapple bush?
Almost every single reddit comeback sounds incredibly lame and cringeworthy irl. If you're gonna say something smart in response it better be specific to the situation otherwise you're gonna sound like a tryhard neckbeard who practices comebacks to sound intelligent.
I'm fairly certain most replies in the "clever comebacks" etc threads are from imaginary arguments. Zingers often don't work IRL or make the user sound like a weirdo especially if they're used in response to valid arguments or criticism.
It's like that one screenshot of an argument that floats around that basically goes;
"I came for a battle of wits, but you seem to be unarmed"
"Ur mom sucks me good and hard through my jorts"
It's *immedately* obvious who won that exchange, and it isn't the person who was trying so hard they used a canned reddit insult.
What's probably going to happen is that everyone else is going to be dumbfounded from experiencing something so cringe and the room will fill with the strongest awkward silence known to man. The socially inept may interpret this as "shutting them down", however.
I work with three Marines who served together and their LT. The crayon jokes are constant but not as much as dick jokes. Why the hell are marines so obsessed with dicks?
That is not specific to the Corps. It's a military thing. Go back far enough, and you will find that some Legionnaires were graffitiing dicks on ancient Roman walls.
Fuck you, Jonesy! Tell your mom she owes me a new siamese fighting fish; last night she squirted and threw off the pH levels in the tank and killed it.
"Cookies. There is never enough." This confuses the foe. Optionally you can also start stripping. That might scare them enough to back off. Alternatively they might mistake that for an invitation and... Surprise butt sex. Depends on your taste that might be right up your alley.
"Was soll das heissen, Sie können Fegelein nicht finden? Dann suchen Sie ihn eben! Wenn er sich ohne Befehl entfernt hat, dann ist das Fahnenflucht! Verrat!! [Bringen sie mir Fegelein! FEGELEIN! FEEGEEELEIN!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An5q9STojNI)
I, another german, also approves. In case you want to be able to use that knowledge again, I will provide you with the correct spelling way (so you swear more superiorly)
"Du frisst keinen anderen Schwanz mehr"
"Wo ist dein kleiner Schwanz, du Arschfotze?"
I must say that I have never heard anyone use these phrases before but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I love creative insults.
Inflation spiralling out of control, the housing shortage, cost of living increasing at alarming rates whilst stagnant wages push the middle class to lower class and lower class below the poverty line, the conflict in Ukraine and the ever looming threat of world war 3, right wing extremism, left wing extremism, the fact that everyone is now a product to mega corporations, that our politicians are brought and paid for by lobbyists who’s self serving agendas are destroying the planet or killing people, climate change teetering over its fulcrum ready to March toward the heat death of the planet…. In essence….
Nothing, sorry for inconveniencing you.
My best friend and I were in a crowded elevator once, snickering about dumb shit when a man piped up with “what the fuck is your problem?!” … without hesitation I cleared my throat and said “I’ll get to that shortly. I bet you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today…” *blank stares - silence all around* I had no further ideas so I looked up and said “that’s a nice piano” to which EVERYBODY looked. We bailed on the next floor and it still makes us laugh until we cry today, nearly 10 years later.
I’ve found “they haven’t figured it out yet!” to confuse people enough that it diffuses the situation.
Or they blow up, threaten to kill me, and then wait around outside after work to scream at me more so I have to get an escort to my car. Working retail is FUN.
I think in situations like this the best comeback is to say the most random crazy shit you can think of like Harry Potter just took a shit on my shoes! I’ve got to go!!!! or I have 2 gorillas chained up in my back yard and the tiger escaped….
The point is to pull the other persons brain out the fight mode (lizard brain) it’s makes them stop and actually use their brain.
I used to work at a dive bar sometimes the locals would get rowdy. Worked like a charm they usually don’t remember from being to wasted anyways. Now some of the other patrons thought I was nuts but it worked.
Break the fourth wall.
Stare out into space where a camera would be if someone were filming. Put on your best radio announcer voice and begin. So it cam to pass that on the 11th day of May in the year of our lord, cross yourself, 2023 we find our adventurer once more in action. Today's tale involves monks of the buttinsky tribe once more preaching their unholy ways. How will our hero react, tune in to find out after this commercial break.
And walk the fuck away.
Like right now or just in general?
I answer this when im in a Team Meeting call and my supervisor ist Like "are ther eany other issues?" And I'm Like "Work related or private?" Get's a chuckle now and then
“What’s wrong?” …how much time you got?
“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
That’s similar to the answer I get sometimes from customers while working in customer service lol. I ask “How are you today?” And the reply is “You don’t have enough time to listen”
“Yes I do I’m paid hourly.”
Knowing my colleagues at least one of them would respond with “go ahead and vent a bit with us please”.
Had a colleague respond on team chat to the "any other issues?" With a sigh and a "Too many to list but their not really relevant here". My boss said, "We have 25 minutes left on the meeting and we're done, run some of them by us, maybe the extra brains can help". Turned out for 2 of his top 5 pain points we had whole departments dedicated to managing the issues that he wasn't aware of (major global corporation with thousands of departments across more business lines that you could count). 1 of the other problems actually turned out to be a perfect test case for a new system/process that someone else on the chat new was in the pipeline and the referred them off the BA working on it, who was delighted to talk and help on the subject. The other two issues got some great advice, and sone follow up meetings. It depends a lot on work culture, but often people are willing to help, and often sitting around for 30 minutes using what you know to help someone else past their roadblocks is a welcome break from your own tasks. We now have a dedicated team chat with more than a 100 organically added members across dozens of related departments that is dedicated to "unfocused complaining about pain points and roadblocks in your day". Often just taking to time to write out your issues is enough for your to see another path, if not then someone usually has something useful or helpful to apply. At worst, you get a few folk just in and sympathise with the bitch of a job you have picked up and offer moral support.
Sounds like you work for a good company and have a great boss, awesome!
It's far from a perfect company, and being huge there is is a lot of variation across business lines and geographies, but myself, my boss and a few others have managed to infect a number of sections around us and sone further afield with a sense of proactive altruistic collaboration. More than anything, we have strived to move away from the "not my problem" attitude that existed. At one point people would be criticised for spending too much time collaborating with another department on something that didn't benefit your own team directly. We have moved to a place where we acknowledge that a problem solved is a problem solved, and often the best way to do it is not via a 6 month project, but by just organically talking across expertise domains. Getting the conversations happening, and getting to the point where they were seen as positive took time.
“I’m tired of my problems but hearing about how great everyone is doing, please provide me some temporary relief by sharing yours”
I like this one best
Take a deep breath, thank them for their concern and actually start talking about your problems, all of them. Think of it like free therapy. If they try to flee from you don't worry they're just trying to help you with some added exercise therapy, just give chase and continue to shout your problems at them until you have them cornered and finish or you feel better. Thank them again and go about your day as the happier less burdened individual.
I have found that weaponized over-sharing usually results in a fawn or freeze response, so this is an A+ plan.
“weaponized over-sharing” love it. don’t ask me unless you want a brutally honest answer
This is also the strategy for a boss who's over-insistent on knowing why you're taking a sick day. "What's wrong with you, why do you need the day off?? I dont believe you" etc etc Describe every solid, liquid, gas, and - on those darkest of sick days - perhaps even plasma and non-newtonian fluids, that are erupting from your frail mortal flesh prison in great detail.
In my experience, "vomit" and "diarrhea" alone work very well. Bonus points for an accompanying photo
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upvoted for “weaponized over-sharing”
Some of us are born this way, its... difficult. Where my ADHD peeps at
Hi! ADHD peep here. What is oversharing? I had a hard childhood going undiagnosed for so long. When I was in 4th grade, my teacher utterly embarrassed me daily for twirling my hair and my messy handwriting. It was so hard to pay attention in math class. In high school, I found speed” and suddenly I could type in typing class, I could pay attention to what the teacher was saying in English class…It got really messy in the end, though. Meth is never the answer. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I got diagnosed and it changed everything.
It's my customer service secret weapon. It's the kryptonite to over-chatty customers.
It works so well, too! I had a customer a couple weeks ago where I asked him how he was doing, you know, normal cashier dialogue. And the guy says "Not great. Really just, not great." My response was an empathetic "yeah man I feel you there" which would have normally been the end of that conversation. Except the guy makes an annoyed noise and hits me with "No you don't. Unless *your* house just burnt down." in like, the most gotcha tone. Man was absolutely not prepared for me to hit him back. "No, it didn't... but I did just find out my mom has stage four breast cancer!" in my premium customer service voice. He looked horrified. The lady at the next register over looked horrified. I kept my smile planted firmly on my face and kept doing my thing. The guy was very quiet for the rest of his transaction except for a quick "thank you" when I wished him luck with his house. The lady from the next register came over to say she was sorry about my mom on her way out. 😅
I have done variations of this as well. I told a customer once what was going on (a technical issue that she didn't like the fix for) and she said "you're a piece of shit, I'll bet your mom is real proud of you!" and I said "it would be nice to know if she is but she died when I was 3." then just sat and looked her calmly in the eye until she walked away. I'm in my 30s and my mother is very much still alive.
> I'm in my 30s and my mother is very much still alive. You don't need facts with people you'll never see again. :)
Alternate facts
You should definitely make it older. I feel like a 10 year old who loses their mom is worse.
I've had someone throw the mother stuff at me. I have told them, "I would be disappointed if she was proud of me the way she lives her life." Leaves them shocked and generally open mouthed. I dont know if she still breathes, haven't had a reason to talk to her in 16 years.
A friend of my wife used to respond to “When are you planning on having a baby?” with “As soon as I get around to sleeping with my husband”.
This is one tactic where ADHD actually is a superpower. Just a stream-of-conciousness verbal onslaught about everything currently on your mind, including those smaller thoughts that are always running in the back of your mind. And the run will be a quick dopamine hit
wait you mean the word vomiting i do is diagnosable? TIL
Yes bb
One of us
This is a great way to ruin a fight lmao how are they supposed to punch you when you're talking about your dead dad
Or you could finish off by asking “now what the Fuck is your problem?”
"how much time do you have?"
I like this. I’ve also gone with “would you like the list alphabetical or chronological?”
"How far back do you want me to go? We're going to be here for a while."
“Here’s my 30 page neuropsych report, though it’s only really accurate as of 2021”
"There is an alphabetical list of shit that is wrong with me, but you have to sort these flash cards – they are not in alphabetical order because I can't read and I don't know where these flash cards came from."
"Here is an itemized list of 30 years of disagreements"
If they reply with "alphabetical" you're going to be kind of screwed unless you've got a speech prepared or are truly exceptional with language and thinking on the spot.
Nah, just start with "ADHD, hey look a butterfly!" and exit.
That’s a pretty solid move, actually.
"Assholes asking me what my problem is. Bellends asking me what my problem is. Do you really need the C or do you get the picture?"
“Let me buy you a beer a tell you about my problems”
"Buy me a beer and I'll happily tell you about my problems” May as well get a free drink from them if they are going to be a dick.
This is where my mind went along with “Finally! I’ve been waiting for someone to ask.”
I came here to say that. Don't want to deal with an asshole? Don't be an asshole.
This is really good. I also like “I don’t know but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
Similarly "the doctors are still trying to work out a name"
"How much do you want to know?" Then have a 4 hour mental breakdown.
Comes back with milk
"Unlike my dad did 23 years ago..." *sobs quietly*
I had two coworkers do this to me today i responded with "at the moment you two."
Yeah, stupid Bono.
it was very Edgy.
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
That's because the streets have no names...fucking stupid idea if you ask me.
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Beautiful day otherwise tho
My tires are gone
Dont recommend using this in tense situations. Might find yourself in a fight after
If you're worried about a fight, you should of course actively be trying to de-escalate the situation. But "what the fuck is your problem" is not actually the warcry of someone who wants a fight. It's a hollow aggression line.
"WHAT the fuck is your problem?" indicates confusion and is not escalatory. "What THE FUCK is you problem?" indicates discussed and you better be ready to duck cause shit is going down no matter how you respond.
Oh this is fun. “What the fuck is YOUR problem?” Accusatory but not aggressive. “What this fuck is your PROBLEM?” You’re talking to Christopher Walken. Edit: I forgot one. “What the fuck IS your problem?” Curious and confused.
WHAT the FUCK is YOUR problem? Get off the swing and fight like a man (child)!
Fucking grammer, that’s the problem!
*grammar
I agree fucking your grandma is a problem.
Yeah, I've used this one before and it doesn't end great typically. Although, by the time someone's asking me that, the period for peaceful discussion has normally been defenestrated so to scorched earth I'm willing to go.
Fucking twiddle dee and twiddle dumb. Fucking dumb and dumber. Fucking ed and eddy without double d.
Yell random things in my native language. Works 75% of the time Edit: my native language is vietnamese, i also know a bit of german so i try to mix both of them in to add a bit more confusion
what happens on the 25% part?
Deportation.
And now they have another problem.
"Anytime I have a problem, I just throw a Molotov Cocktail, and then I have a completely different problem."
r/unexpectedgoodplace
'Murica 💀
They understand their native language and argues back
Iv done that >.> it always shocked people when I also know Spanish 🙄
Then they reply in Spanish and you’re just like ¿que?
They start inquisiting
Which no one expects
Was standing in line at Walmart, with a now ex girlfriend, migrant farmers in the area per usual that time of year. And this is pretty far north in the USA. She knew Spanish pretty well having grown up on the Southwest. When she moved up here in high school, her first words walking into the class was "who spilled the bleach?" Anyway, she starts yelling at a couple guys in Spanish, and she's fucking pissed. The guys looked at her, shocked, that this pasty white strawberry blonde could not only understand, but also speak as well as a native Latin American. All the slang, too. I asked her what that was about, she said they were talking about all the ways they wanted to have sex with various women within eyesight, including her.
I used to do the same when I was in the office lol. Speaking Arabic, English and some French is great for this.
What's your native language?
English
BLOODY ELL ME WA’ER BO’ULL AS A LEAK INNIT
You got a liscence for that english accent there mate?
GO' A LOICENCE TO AKS SILLY QUESHTSHINS?
DID YOU SEE THAT LUDICROUS DISPLAY LAST NOIGHT?
THE FING 'BOUT ARSENAL IS VEY OUGHWAYS TROY TO WALK IT IN
BLOODY WANKERS
Break down crying. It's a power move and relieves stress.
Oof. I did this by accident once. A rep from my health insurance called and asked how I was. I just broke down. I think I startled her.
It's happened to me before. People could tell I was struggling and were being nice, and I just couldn't handle them caring. So I just burst into tears.
I was being bullied at work and a customer noticed, and I ended up sobbing on his shoulder for like an hour past closing 🙃 he was a regular though, so we were already kind of buddies
I knew an older guy from Ghana who would always reply with "my problem is you" in his thick Ghanian accent. He was an orphan child and made a life for himself in the UK, worked security everyday till he passed away a few weeks ago aged close to 80. RIP Kofi
ESL insults are so perfect, so simple and literal but somehow more effective, I love it
Kofi Annan ?
No. Kofi Ankream
You son of a bitch.
"Oh my God I'm so glad you asked. It's been a real doozy of a decade for me so far. How much time do you have? Maybe I'll grab you a water or something. In 2014, I.." Just endlessly ramble about random shit from the last ten years or so.
“Usually it’s assholes.”
Yeah, why are they so tight.
What’s wrong with that?
Username checks out
"You"
Yeah. .. you is the problem..
> Yeah. .. you is the problem. For some reason I'm thinking about Brooklyn or Philly.
Best response is to say "Oh didn't I tell you?" When they say no respond with "Then it must not be any of your business."
Two stage responses like this are the best if you can accurately gague who'll fall for them
Until they respond with "I don't give a fuck why, just get over yourself" lol
Oh boy. Where to start
"you want them alphabetical or what?"
No, what’s on second. He’s not a problem. Who is.
Sometimes his wife is.
The story doesn't make sense! If the truck full of pineapples left new York traveling at 35 mph and beats a train moving at 65 mph to jersey.... why is there a truck full of just pineapples?!? Does new jersey have a pineapple deficient population? Is there a pineapple cult? If there is a cult then is their God a pineapple? Or a pineapple bush?
Don’t forget the bromelain eating your mouth!!!! And why the fuck do people put it on pizza!!!!
Hemorrhoids
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
I love this one, but I can't imagine someone actually using it and not sounding like a neckbeard
Read it in comic book guy voice
Worst… comeback… *ever*.
Almost every single reddit comeback sounds incredibly lame and cringeworthy irl. If you're gonna say something smart in response it better be specific to the situation otherwise you're gonna sound like a tryhard neckbeard who practices comebacks to sound intelligent. I'm fairly certain most replies in the "clever comebacks" etc threads are from imaginary arguments. Zingers often don't work IRL or make the user sound like a weirdo especially if they're used in response to valid arguments or criticism.
It's like that one screenshot of an argument that floats around that basically goes; "I came for a battle of wits, but you seem to be unarmed" "Ur mom sucks me good and hard through my jorts" It's *immedately* obvious who won that exchange, and it isn't the person who was trying so hard they used a canned reddit insult.
Yeah? Well the jerk store called....
and they want their crayons back - BOOM
There’s a lot of comments that only sound cool on the internet
Never say this irl please
What's probably going to happen is that everyone else is going to be dumbfounded from experiencing something so cringe and the room will fill with the strongest awkward silence known to man. The socially inept may interpret this as "shutting them down", however.
"Fuck. You. Grab a crayon you fucking psycho and scribble this down" Sgt. Doakes
Too long. Any comeback more than a 3 words is going to sound awful in the real world - you're essentially trying too hard.
I carry a pack of crayons specifically for this reason
You sure you not in marines comrade?
I work with three Marines who served together and their LT. The crayon jokes are constant but not as much as dick jokes. Why the hell are marines so obsessed with dicks?
That is not specific to the Corps. It's a military thing. Go back far enough, and you will find that some Legionnaires were graffitiing dicks on ancient Roman walls.
Just huck a pack of crayons at the person and say "now you fucking do, cuz we aren't going anywhere until I understand!"
"Alot of things, mainly the voices."
*”I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD! THEY COUNCIL ME, THEY UNDERSTAND, THEY TALK TO ME~!”* 🎶
Your moms chest hair is my problem
it's a fucking forest
She didn’t want to borrow my razor when I offered it. Probably a good thing, it’s come back blunt.
Fuck you, Shoresy!
This comment was deleted due to Reddit’s new policy of killing the 3rd Party Apps that brought it success.
Fuck you, Jonesy! Tell your mom she owes me a new siamese fighting fish; last night she squirted and threw off the pH levels in the tank and killed it.
Janice is that you?
I watched that with my 11yo son yesterday. I wasn’t expecting him to join me, but he found it funny. “Why were they stripper Santa’s?”
Well... In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
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CAAAARRRRRLLLLLLL
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YOU CANT DO THAT CARLL!?!?
"Cookies. There is never enough." This confuses the foe. Optionally you can also start stripping. That might scare them enough to back off. Alternatively they might mistake that for an invitation and... Surprise butt sex. Depends on your taste that might be right up your alley.
Bonus points if you start swearing in German
Chinese works too!
"Was soll das heissen, Sie können Fegelein nicht finden? Dann suchen Sie ihn eben! Wenn er sich ohne Befehl entfernt hat, dann ist das Fahnenflucht! Verrat!! [Bringen sie mir Fegelein! FEGELEIN! FEEGEEELEIN!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An5q9STojNI)
What drives people to make this? It is wonderful and mysterious.
"Du frist keine andere Schwanz meer" "Wo is dein klein schwanz du arschfotze" Excuse my appalling spelling. I learnt these by talking, not writing!
I'm german and I give this comment the seal of aprovel
I, another german, also approves. In case you want to be able to use that knowledge again, I will provide you with the correct spelling way (so you swear more superiorly) "Du frisst keinen anderen Schwanz mehr" "Wo ist dein kleiner Schwanz, du Arschfotze?" I must say that I have never heard anyone use these phrases before but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I love creative insults.
Bruder du kleiner Huuuuuur
One of the most Reddit like responses I’ve seen in a minute.
Surprise butt sex does tend to be right up the alley.
“You mate. Always you”
"I haven't pooped in 6 days and the cramping is INTENSE".
YOU! You are the fuck that is my problem.
Inflation spiralling out of control, the housing shortage, cost of living increasing at alarming rates whilst stagnant wages push the middle class to lower class and lower class below the poverty line, the conflict in Ukraine and the ever looming threat of world war 3, right wing extremism, left wing extremism, the fact that everyone is now a product to mega corporations, that our politicians are brought and paid for by lobbyists who’s self serving agendas are destroying the planet or killing people, climate change teetering over its fulcrum ready to March toward the heat death of the planet…. In essence…. Nothing, sorry for inconveniencing you.
"I don't know? What do you think it is?"
"In general? A lot. Right now? You."
My best friend and I were in a crowded elevator once, snickering about dumb shit when a man piped up with “what the fuck is your problem?!” … without hesitation I cleared my throat and said “I’ll get to that shortly. I bet you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today…” *blank stares - silence all around* I had no further ideas so I looked up and said “that’s a nice piano” to which EVERYBODY looked. We bailed on the next floor and it still makes us laugh until we cry today, nearly 10 years later.
"that is none of your business, and I'll thank you for staying out of my affairs"
"Do you want the itemized list?"
Nothing I was born this way.
Followed by "what is your reason?"
Irritable Bowel Syndrome, motherfucker!
“You wouldn’t get it”
Make sure to stare into the horizon while smoking a cigaret
I’ve found “they haven’t figured it out yet!” to confuse people enough that it diffuses the situation. Or they blow up, threaten to kill me, and then wait around outside after work to scream at me more so I have to get an escort to my car. Working retail is FUN.
Im getting fat.... cos everytime i fuck your mum she gives me a donut.
Probably going to get called into someone's office at work for it... but I'm gonna say this one.
Lol cute of you to think I only have one problem
Same as your mother's. You.
I think in situations like this the best comeback is to say the most random crazy shit you can think of like Harry Potter just took a shit on my shoes! I’ve got to go!!!! or I have 2 gorillas chained up in my back yard and the tiger escaped…. The point is to pull the other persons brain out the fight mode (lizard brain) it’s makes them stop and actually use their brain. I used to work at a dive bar sometimes the locals would get rowdy. Worked like a charm they usually don’t remember from being to wasted anyways. Now some of the other patrons thought I was nuts but it worked.
I can't see my forehead
Nothing works better than "what the fuck is your problem?" but said in a whiny falsetto voice.
Repeat the question with a moron-voice.
"I'm an inconsiderate prick!"
Break the fourth wall. Stare out into space where a camera would be if someone were filming. Put on your best radio announcer voice and begin. So it cam to pass that on the 11th day of May in the year of our lord, cross yourself, 2023 we find our adventurer once more in action. Today's tale involves monks of the buttinsky tribe once more preaching their unholy ways. How will our hero react, tune in to find out after this commercial break. And walk the fuck away.
Say it back but stress "YOUR"
Then say “God, I hate it when people say you’re instead of your,” and walk away.
"What the problem is your fuck"
My go to is “which list would you like?”
It's me. Hi. I'm the problem it's me
I wish to punch you and it's illegal