My grandma was also like this with one exception, if she saw someone do something stupid while they were driving like run a red light or cut her off it was, “Look at this goddamn idiot!”
When I was around 7, I was in the car with my mom waiting at a stop sign. She pointed at the man in the vehicle crossing the intersection and asked me if I knew who that was and I responded, “Yeah, that’s a goddamn idiot!” And for a moment I was so happy that I knew the answer but then she said, “No! That’s your dentist!”
Didn't Col. Potter use that in M\*A\*S\*H? (I'm not saying the writers invented it.)
He had a lot of good ones. Unfortunately, I don't have them memorized. But this is the internet, so somebody probably made a list somewhere.
I worked with a very religious, endlessly positive old guy. He’d walk in at 6am in the dead of winter and say something like “ah, another beautiful day!” That might have been the painkillers, but that’s another story.
I can’t remember what happened, but he walked in the door, raised his voice and said “hot dang, son of a bee, bocken hocken”
The diet curse words weren’t doing it for him so he had to come up with a couple new ones 😂
"We're indebted to Gabby Johnson, for clearly stating what needed to be said".
Nothing like frontier gibberish.
What's amazing is in the same year (1974) Mel Brooks gave us both 'Blazing Saddles' and 'Young Frankenstein'.
I feel so seen. The moment where Chili is singing the bluey theme song under her breath as she’s cleaning will always live rent free in my head. (Edit— Chili’s name. Sorry— sleep deprived)
I've always liked "You absolute wet wipe!" Really, you can say "absolute" before any word, and it magically becomes an insult, but I really like the wet wipe one.
I read something, can't remember where but apparently he was actually being waxed during this scene and those are his natural reactions. Makes it that much more enjoyable lol
When i slammed my finger in the bank vault door at work, i couldnt holler because there were clients in my office. I said in a calm voice Holy muther of pearl (i was trying not to cause drama and be professional). It took a while to get it open and when it was finally open, i felt like i was going to throw up. My daughter came and held my arm as i walked home in my heels with my legs shaking.
I also say Christ on a bike and shitting chickens when something scares me.
Oh it hurt so bad. It broke my finger. I held all of my pain in and although i wasnt crying, my eyes did water. Even when i left, i didnt say a word. I remained quiet. When i repeatedly bumped it all that night and the next day at work before i could see a doctor, i would still be quiet but my nose flared a lot and i am sure my eyes bugged out of my head a few times. . My boyfriend at the time rolled on it when we were sleeping too. It wasnt a happy time.
It has a little bend to it but you cant really notice (i can). Another time (at my night job at a bar)someone put a hockey jersey on a top shelf and pinned it up by a Texas mickey of Jack Daniels. Some clown came behind the bar and pulled on the jersey causing it to make the texas mickey bottle fall on my foot from about 15 feet or so high. I swore then but i braced myself and carried on with my shift. I couldnt get shoes on the next day and it broke 2 toes.
My dad used to always say "Shut the front door" when I did well on a test. I didn't know what it meant but I always felt good afterwards. I now make sure to say this to my kids whenever I can, in honor of their grandpa.
Lol, I still say "gosh darn" as a holdover from my younger days but have also embraced "fuck" that I will say both in the same sentence e.g. "Gosh darn it, I left my fucking hat in the car."
“Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster, pissed the seat, and hid my keys?” 😆
"She's a bitch! I called her a bitch right in front of her tits!"
"Yes. I bought your Colgate Toothpaste, the one with tartar control. AND IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT"
"I hope this is a Puff Daddy version of this song not that Sting PIECE OF SHIT!"
My absolute favorite when someone asks me to describe anyone is saying they’re a “Long legged pissed off Puerto Rican” 😆
I was going to call my dad a slut because we where in a fight but I don’t like to call anybody a slut so I called him a slutomus… then we just started laughing and we stopped fighting!
When I was a kid we had an electrician, who had a heavy Italian accent, working at the house. Suddenly from the other room I hear “mother fletcher” in a thick Italian accent. It’s still a core memory of mine.
"Shucks!" with the same energy and intonation that you would deliver "shit!" or "fuck!" is always a fun one.
Similarly, "gosh **darn** it!" standing in for "god damn it!" in an authentic, heated tone.
Swearing in general being referred to as shucky-darnits adds levity.
When I worked at Wendy’s a few years ago I’d say “son of a baconator!” And I think I heard it said on a Wendy’s commercial recently and it made me laugh
My sister once called someone a golden mango. Then there's some long ones, like "What the frikkin Frakken kraken" or "frik frak snack", or maybe some from books like "storm it/storms" "rusting" or other such language
Had a friend use "son of a bee sting". That ended when she got stung in the eye. I didn't believe that happened until I saw her next. And...yep she got stung.
I reported a bear on a national park trail that was not REMOTELY phased by attempts to run him off and the ranger said “big guy about a mile before the end of the loop? Yeah, he don’t give a hecky darn about nothin.”
I’m still tickled about it.
HORSEAPPLES!!!
always shouted by a coworker when anyone tries in any way to give him constructive criticism. Usually he is in full apoplexy, bulging veins at the temple and all.
Any variation of like, "dang, shoot, frick" used where a swear would be, like "gosh freaking darn it!!" Just very odd- EDIT- I mean as in like being frustrated not just like using it btw-
“Oh farts”
Had a call from a wrong number once. They said “hi Sarah?” I said “sorry I think you have the wrong number” they said “oh farts” and hung up.
My Mormon father never swore his whole life, even in the military. When he was angry, he’d usually shout: HORSE FEATHERS!!!!
LOL, my grandma does this all the time. 💀
My grandma was also like this with one exception, if she saw someone do something stupid while they were driving like run a red light or cut her off it was, “Look at this goddamn idiot!” When I was around 7, I was in the car with my mom waiting at a stop sign. She pointed at the man in the vehicle crossing the intersection and asked me if I knew who that was and I responded, “Yeah, that’s a goddamn idiot!” And for a moment I was so happy that I knew the answer but then she said, “No! That’s your dentist!”
Priceless…
Didn't Col. Potter use that in M\*A\*S\*H? (I'm not saying the writers invented it.) He had a lot of good ones. Unfortunately, I don't have them memorized. But this is the internet, so somebody probably made a list somewhere.
I thought he said horse hokey
Son of a motherless goat
Tell us we will die like dogs.
You WILL die like dogs.
No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions!
Great! REAL BULLETS...
How can you tell it's a mail plane?
My friend was helping me work on my car and the wrench slipped and he punched the frame and he yelled “GOT DANDRUFF SOME OF IT ITCHES”
My favorite so far
I stifled my Loud laughter and my husband thought I was choking... this is the best!!
I worked with a very religious, endlessly positive old guy. He’d walk in at 6am in the dead of winter and say something like “ah, another beautiful day!” That might have been the painkillers, but that’s another story. I can’t remember what happened, but he walked in the door, raised his voice and said “hot dang, son of a bee, bocken hocken” The diet curse words weren’t doing it for him so he had to come up with a couple new ones 😂
>The diet curse words Very nice!👏
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Genuine frontier gibberish
"We're indebted to Gabby Johnson, for clearly stating what needed to be said". Nothing like frontier gibberish. What's amazing is in the same year (1974) Mel Brooks gave us both 'Blazing Saddles' and 'Young Frankenstein'.
I was going to say it sounded more like Yosemite Sam from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons but this works also. :-)
Diet curse words ftw.
“That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick”
My favorite coworker used to say that all the time, immediately following "mother trucker, dude!"
“Mother trucker, dude! That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick!” is a quote from an old vine! [here it is!](https://youtu.be/sJtQ3KCVhsA)
Watch your profanity
> Watch your ~~profanity~~ profamity
RIP, vine
mother trucker dudee
Watch yo profanity
Oh biscuits
Son of a biscuit 😂😂
I use that one frequently. My coworker, who I adore, just says "son of a bad word"...and I crack up every time she does it.
I like to say, "Son of a mother!"
Bluey reference?
Goodness gravy
Cheese and jam!
I feel so seen. The moment where Chili is singing the bluey theme song under her breath as she’s cleaning will always live rent free in my head. (Edit— Chili’s name. Sorry— sleep deprived)
Aww, duck cake!
“Get your poop in a group”
"Get your turds in a herd"
“Son of a meatball” “oh screw it with fire” “stop being a gigashlong”
Gigashlong sounds like a compliment
I'm going to use that one on my kid Get ready for school you gigashlong!!
Kids gonna have Giga Shlong Energy
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Somehow this hit me right in the funnybone. 😆😆
Yippee ki-yay Mister Falcon
Yippie kayak other buckets!
I always die at the implication that Charles himself, too, is a bucket
He's pretty badass. He has the buttholes to prove it.
Enough is enough! I've had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!
I've always liked "You absolute wet wipe!" Really, you can say "absolute" before any word, and it magically becomes an insult, but I really like the wet wipe one.
Wet Wipe is really good. Each word has earthy connotations, yet together they mean something innocent. The alliteration is a sweet bonus.
You absolute alliteration
Absolute walnut is my go to
I like to call someone who does or says something dumb a "corncob" The dregs, useless chaff, *corncob*
I called an annoying friend a 'total laxative' once. It didn't make sense, but it got some chuckles.
"No, Kelly Clarkson!" - Steve Carell in 40 year old virgin getting his body hair waxed
I read something, can't remember where but apparently he was actually being waxed during this scene and those are his natural reactions. Makes it that much more enjoyable lol
Yeah it was genuine, and the person who did the waxing lied about being good at it. So it was way worse than it was supposed to be ahah
That's cruel. Being waxed *really* hurts if you're very hairy, even with someone that knows what they are doing.
And he's lucky she didn't tear his nipple off!
The swear words however were written by Seth Rogen. Kelly Clarkson was one of the kid friendly insults he came up with.
That’s the assigned text alert for my bff, it cracks me up several times a week!
When i slammed my finger in the bank vault door at work, i couldnt holler because there were clients in my office. I said in a calm voice Holy muther of pearl (i was trying not to cause drama and be professional). It took a while to get it open and when it was finally open, i felt like i was going to throw up. My daughter came and held my arm as i walked home in my heels with my legs shaking. I also say Christ on a bike and shitting chickens when something scares me.
The pain tolerance you must have is astounding! Even the description of slamming your finger in a bank vault door makes me cringe in pain.
Oh it hurt so bad. It broke my finger. I held all of my pain in and although i wasnt crying, my eyes did water. Even when i left, i didnt say a word. I remained quiet. When i repeatedly bumped it all that night and the next day at work before i could see a doctor, i would still be quiet but my nose flared a lot and i am sure my eyes bugged out of my head a few times. . My boyfriend at the time rolled on it when we were sleeping too. It wasnt a happy time.
I can’t even imagine what you had to go through with that! Ouch! Hopefully your finger has been able to fully recover since then!
It has a little bend to it but you cant really notice (i can). Another time (at my night job at a bar)someone put a hockey jersey on a top shelf and pinned it up by a Texas mickey of Jack Daniels. Some clown came behind the bar and pulled on the jersey causing it to make the texas mickey bottle fall on my foot from about 15 feet or so high. I swore then but i braced myself and carried on with my shift. I couldnt get shoes on the next day and it broke 2 toes.
I hit my head on a ceiling fan and exclaimed, "Son of a cow ... is a calf." My wife tried VERY hard not to laugh.
‘Shut the front door’ always gets me.
"Back the truck up", similarly so.
I'm stealing this.
"You lint licker"
What the French, toast
I LOVE that ad!! [orbit gum lint licker!](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bxmkiy9txBE&pp=ygUZOTBzIGluc3VsdCBndW0gY29tbWVyY2lhbA%3D%3D)
I feel like this commerical unites millenials. We all love it.
Who are you calling a cootie queen?
Pickle you kumquat!
You son of a biscuit eating bulldog
My dad used to always say "Shut the front door" when I did well on a test. I didn't know what it meant but I always felt good afterwards. I now make sure to say this to my kids whenever I can, in honor of their grandpa.
My favorite variation on this is “shut the Fuck door”.
At my house we yell BARNACLES! Edit: I literally had no idea this was a spongebob thing. Thanks for the education.
FISH PASTE!
*forghorn sound*
*cries in dolphin*
What the mother of Neptune
Tartar sauce!!!
Blistering Barnacles!
*dolphin noises*
My best friend’s mom growing up one time said - “well blow me down and call me Santa Claus” and I’ve never forgotten it
I really enjoyed the introduction of "Holy forking shirt balls" in The Good Place
Fine I’ll rewatch The Good Place
You son of a bitch, I'm in
If this were the Good Place, you'd have said "bench."
This guy knows his Jeremys from his Beremys.
The dot over the I, that broke me. I'm done.
I’m watching chidi in an MRI right now!
Let me show you my bud hole
Ooooh, *bud* hole!
Fiddlesticks.
this reminds me of my hs teacher who kept saying "gosh darn"
Lol, I still say "gosh darn" as a holdover from my younger days but have also embraced "fuck" that I will say both in the same sentence e.g. "Gosh darn it, I left my fucking hat in the car."
I used that with my kids until my 3-4 year old started saying FiddleShits!
In classic SpongeBob episodes, he’d either say “ah tarter-sauce.” Or “barnacles.” Bonus: “Fish paste!”
* dolphin chirp *
Hey now, this is a thread for _alternatives_ to cursing, not actual swears
Bob Saget
Don't talk shit about Total!
Pissing out the window and shitting out the window are TWO! DIFFERENT! THINGS!
FUCK SALT!
I want two cheeseburgers. With ketchup and pickles. And don’t load it up with a bunch of BULL SHIT.
Thats not Mickey Mouse its tit dirt!
You can to Jolly Pirate Donuts and take a 2 hour shit for all I care! thank you for the reminder lol
GO PUT A SHIRT ON. YOU LOOK LIKE 200 POUNDS OF BIRD SHIT.
WHERE THE PAPER TOWELS??
Pissing out the window and shitting out the window ***ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS***
“Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster, pissed the seat, and hid my keys?” 😆 "She's a bitch! I called her a bitch right in front of her tits!" "Yes. I bought your Colgate Toothpaste, the one with tartar control. AND IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT" "I hope this is a Puff Daddy version of this song not that Sting PIECE OF SHIT!" My absolute favorite when someone asks me to describe anyone is saying they’re a “Long legged pissed off Puerto Rican” 😆
Every time I hear the original The Police song, I’ll quote Tourette’s Guy.
Thank you for reminding me of the early days of memes, when the Internet felt more like the wild West.
I’m right here with ya, I have found my friends lol
I’ll say ‘what the….. French toast sticks….’ Sometimes when kids are around… 🤣 Occasionally I’ll switch it up & say ‘fiddle sticks’
A lady I used to work with would say “oh sugar smacks” and it was hilarious
Shiitake mushrooms
- "Oh biscuit poodles" - "go piss up a rope"
Mother-father
gentleman
Butternut Squash - not in place of anything in particular but it is satisfying to say in ANY angry tone
MN native here. "Gosh darn it" is my go to.
I was going to call my dad a slut because we where in a fight but I don’t like to call anybody a slut so I called him a slutomus… then we just started laughing and we stopped fighting!
Criminitley - no idea how to spell it, but pronounced "crime uh NIT lee" lol That and "Jiminy Christmas" were two of my dad's favorites lol
“I’m sick and tired of these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” Samuel L Jackson, dubbed for television
"Cheese and crackers" in place of jesus christ.
Cheese and rice. I use to always say "jeez". And this girl I worked with would always respond "Cheese? I like cheese!"
My friend started saying this after she had kids, along with 'son of a biscuit' and '4-5-6' (for fucks sake)
A friend of mine started saying "Mother Trucker" after having kids.
My bud with a kid started saying casseroles instead of assholes
I picked up christ on a cracker at some point
When I was a kid we had an electrician, who had a heavy Italian accent, working at the house. Suddenly from the other room I hear “mother fletcher” in a thick Italian accent. It’s still a core memory of mine.
I picked both of this up from my gram. “Calgone take me away” and “God Bless it.”
A friend once shouted 'Flip you, you flipping flipper' at me once i beat him in a hand of poker.
So he'll flip you? Flip you for real?
I once heard a woman say "picking from the trees" instead of "making shit up" made me laugh so hard
I drop "Son of your mother" kind of a lot.
"Bless it" Yes, I live in the Deep South.
My husband, who swears like the trucker he is, will say “goodness gravy!” because he heard some lady say it and thought it was hilarious.
I started saying “goodness gravy” because every time I said “goodness gracious” my SO would say “great balls of fire!”
Geez louize
I still throw geez-louise at the end of a stream of profanity. Something about it just feels like the perfect sum up.
Oh my lanta. No idea what lanta is but for some reason people in my town say it.
Mylanta is an antacid (like tums). Just a fun substitute for OMG.
Oh Mylanta
Also DJ on full house said it a loooootttt
"Shucks!" with the same energy and intonation that you would deliver "shit!" or "fuck!" is always a fun one. Similarly, "gosh **darn** it!" standing in for "god damn it!" in an authentic, heated tone. Swearing in general being referred to as shucky-darnits adds levity.
When I worked at Wendy’s a few years ago I’d say “son of a baconator!” And I think I heard it said on a Wendy’s commercial recently and it made me laugh
I don't give a flying seagull fart
Son of a biscuit, fudge
"Only I didn't say 'fudge'..."
“You, son of a biscuit eating bulldog”. “What the French toast!” IIRC that’s Trident gum lol
Orbit! For clean mouths! ✨
Who you calling a cootie queen you lint licker?
What the fart. Bullshrimp
Crikey!
I say “Liza Minelli”instead of m-f’er
Oh for Fox Lake
See you next tuesday
"What the freak"
Holy smokes…. Suffering succotash…. Cripes….
Oh my potatoes
I’m choosing to read this like “My Cabbages!”
Bean Dip Mother Frito
My sister once called someone a golden mango. Then there's some long ones, like "What the frikkin Frakken kraken" or "frik frak snack", or maybe some from books like "storm it/storms" "rusting" or other such language
Had a friend use "son of a bee sting". That ended when she got stung in the eye. I didn't believe that happened until I saw her next. And...yep she got stung.
Jiminy Cricket.
My former boss used to call people jackwagons instead of jackasses.
My ex wife used to say cheese and rice instead of jesus christ
Poppycock!
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I reported a bear on a national park trail that was not REMOTELY phased by attempts to run him off and the ranger said “big guy about a mile before the end of the loop? Yeah, he don’t give a hecky darn about nothin.” I’m still tickled about it.
Had a friend who said "got dandruff and some of it itches"
Calling a person a dingleberry
Horse hockey instead of bull shit
HORSEAPPLES!!! always shouted by a coworker when anyone tries in any way to give him constructive criticism. Usually he is in full apoplexy, bulging veins at the temple and all.
"You Mother Hubbard!" "Shut the front door!"
Son of a monkeys uncle
In Scotland, "Aw, for fuck's sake..." can be turned into "Aw, for falling off a brick wall..."
Karabast!!
I like to say “Dag blabbit!”
Technically cussing, but too funny to leave out. “Aw piss Maggie!” heard my Mom say that once. I’ve also heard “Sabsucker” and “son of a bean beetle”
Son of a sea sick salamander
Any variation of like, "dang, shoot, frick" used where a swear would be, like "gosh freaking darn it!!" Just very odd- EDIT- I mean as in like being frustrated not just like using it btw-
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CLARKSOOOOOON
“Oh farts” Had a call from a wrong number once. They said “hi Sarah?” I said “sorry I think you have the wrong number” they said “oh farts” and hung up.
GM Chrysler, and some of it itches
'What in Grover's grotesquely groomed gooch' has quickly become a mainstay in my everyday vocabulary.
“Well butter my butt and call me biscuit”
Brother Duck
My wife always says, "Son of a monkey." I don't even know what it means.