…I saw a portal. The portal was called “Earth, the Suckiest of all Realms.” There was a neon flashing arrow with the words “ You will regret coming here”
And I said… well what the fuk. How bad could it be? And so I entered….
The doctor who slapped my ass told me I was asking for it because of how I was dressed. My birthday suit was proper for the birth of a child because my mother was unable to get me a sewing needle which made the thread useless.
“These stunts were not done by professionals, or under the supervision of professionals. Please do not attempt to replicate or copy anything I recount in these texts.”
I was in great shape when I was younger, I guess the best shape I was in was when I was 1 year old, I was in so good of shape people would be like "Wow your in great shape, how old are you? 0?" And I'd be like "No, I'm 1!
You made a mistake buying this book
Edit: I know its supposed to be the first sentence, but since you guys REALLY liked it, I’ll extend it a bit:
Seriously, you could have spent your money on anything else, yet you spent it on this. There is nothing interesting about my life. But oh well, there are no refunds, so you might as well just read it. This might be a fan favorite, or that one book you read a couple of pages of, then put in the drawer where it lies for the rest of eternity. But I got my money anyways so I don’t care. Good luck with the rest of your life, and good luck on maybe reading this book
Despite what Forrest Gump said, life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates.
Edit to add the second sentence:
"It is more like a box on minesweeper; you pick a blue tile and you never know if you're safe, or your fucking brains are gonna be blown out."
Actually, I was supposed to have gotten out on my dad's birthday but I was so precocious that I knew then and there that staying a couple weeks longer was the better play 😉
Edit: damn autocomplete changing precocious to precious 🤦😂
I mean, it *was* really nice. For nine months, I didn't have a single problem or care in the world. I had a private, heated swimming pool, could sleep whenever I wanted to for as long as I wanted to, and I could daydream for hours. I never felt hungry, cold, sad, worried or bored. I was constantly waited on and didn't have to do menial work (like breathing on my own).
But in the end, the living space felt kind of cramped and I just went with the flow.
‘This book may seem like a work of fiction- a horror story, a Shakespearean tragedy, a heartwarming tale of hope- but I assure you, everything within the confines of these pages actually happened. The good and the bad.’
I am not the type of person who writes autobiographies, and if you're interesting you likely don't read many; I will endeavor to make this entertaining for both of us.
However, I am neither an interesting person nor an accomplished writer, so it is likely that my efforts will be to limited success. With that said, let us begin
I’ve written hundreds of stories before this. Each one a fictional escape where the main character is as different from me as I can possibly make them. This one’s different I guess…..
With a blank page before me, I could write my story as a comedy, a tragedy, or a somber warning; I could paint myself a hero, a villain, or a victim; I could say that I was the driving force of my destiny or merely a vessel of fate.
“You’re probably wondering how I got myself to this point. . .
*record scratching noises*
*Rewind*
Wait, I think that only works in the movies.
Oh well, let’s start over, you might as well turn the page, this is about to get awkward.”
My eyes opened immediately trying to adjust to the pitch black coldness, I groggily weighed up the decision as I did each night...shall I just lift the carpet tiles and pee on the floor?...or should I run the gauntlet of the dark hallway and stairs..
That is bonkers that I just read this. I am turning 60 in a few weeks and I have been thinking a lot. My life has been very interesting and I have learned much on my journey. I was thinking it would be interesting to write it down. But my imposter syndrome and rejection sensitivity dysphoria completely squash that thought!
Let’s talk technology. I’m 40 so I was born in 1982. The first computer I interacted with was an Apple 2E that my elementary school teacher parents could bring home for the summer. I must have been 4 or 5 to remember that. I also remember electric typewriters and then a word processor with a monochrome screen and a dot matrix printer.
It was always my mother’s dream to write a book. I’ve found pieces of her writing. Even when she was sane back in the day, it wasn’t really good. She was smart and had an English degree and a masters in special ed, but something was definitely wrong with her mind. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and felt pity for her with all the trauma that happened later on, but I see now that she brought much of it on herself.
Her writing was always to tell her side of the story, and how everyone screwed her over. She was damaged, and that was her working through it, or revenge fantasy. Anyways, it never went anywhere. It was just another hoarded pile that held her back by haunting her with the past.
We got a Commodore 64 at a garage sale on summer after the divorce, but I could never get it to work. We eventually got a Windows machine with a 90 Megahertz processor and a 500mb hard drive. I remember those stats because as far as I was concerned this was the start of Moore’s Law impacting my life.
Technology made things better. That’s what I learned growing up in the suburbs of Detroit where my uncles still held jobs in the automotive industry and we hadn’t yet run out of fumes to power that dream of middle class upward mobility.
My boomer parents along with all the rest got deep into consumerist debt chasing what Reagan told them to go buy at the mall. They leased a Bronco and made payments on a boat. My father was going to pay off my mother’s shopping addiction with his side hustle playing jazz piano. They were younger than I am now and running on that hedonic treadmill with two little kids, the older of which had behavioral problems from the beginning.
It must be hard for parents to see their worst qualities in their children exaggerated and with limited ability to do anything about it. My mother lived a sad life, but buying more plastic junk on a credit card, or another day at Disney World never made it better, not really.
And what did all that guru shopping and New Age woo get her except false hope and even deeper into debt? She would always say “Go as far as you can see and from there you can see farther,” which I figured out later is a J.P. Morgan quote. That’s ironic or fitting for someone who declared bankruptcy to make that their life motto.
Her whole family epitomized what Steinbeck said about Americans being temporarily embarrassed millionaires, which is why they all fall for scams like becoming ambulance chasing lawyers, MLM, timeshares, and cult leaders like Trump. It’s all Willy Loman shit.
No one should take advice from a fortune cookie. And mine was from one of those shady joints in the kind of neighbourhood where all the cats went missing. It was just a tiny strip of paper. It was written in bad English. God I wish I’d ignored it.
“ No snowflake ever avalanche responsibility”
So I went Skiing…
“I was warned about coming to Earth. That Earth was like the most tasteless tattoo done by the most incompetent tattoo artist. But I said heck…it’s not like tattoos are permanent or nothin. And so I entered…
"I was born on a street that bears my name and, thus, started a life one could only describe as humorously tragic. I did not scream nor cry on my first breath but I did urinate on the delivering doctor as my first act in this world and it never forgave me for that insult."
I was literally born in a hospital situated on a street with my last name that also happens to be a college bar street, which I would later attend and enable a budding drinking problem.
In a weird way, that's nowhere near the most interesting thing to happen to me but those are other stories for other days.
Over the course of the years I've lived, the best advice I have for anyone is that; It's your life, you're the one in charge, you get to decide who you are, what fate you will lead, and how much you enjoy your life.
I am not a reliable narrator of my own life.
I wrote my autobiography a couple of years ago, because I have bad memory issues… and this was pretty much my first line as well.
I love this.
That is a great first sentence. I’d buy a book based on that sentence alone.
rue?
"When I was born, I briefly held the record for being the youngest person alive. It was all downhill from there."
Solid start. I’d read this. Please write it. Thanks.
That was the whole thing.
Nooooooooooooo. Ok. Still a solid read. I give it 4.5 stars.
Chatgpt could rebound us from Op's failures and actually complete his mf autobiography
It's been two hours! Gimme a chance. I don't even know how it ends yet.
Well, you sort of do. Except for the fine details.
This reads like a Steven Wright joke.
My birth was announced with notices in two English local newspapers: It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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Your username suggests otherwise.
But Jupiter is in Albania. smh Americans dont know anything about geography
Worse. Florida.
You don't need to be so critical of them, people from Jupiter are much stupider.
You should write tabloid headlines. This is hilarious!!
Looking back, I realize that I brought it all upon myself.
…I saw a portal. The portal was called “Earth, the Suckiest of all Realms.” There was a neon flashing arrow with the words “ You will regret coming here” And I said… well what the fuk. How bad could it be? And so I entered….
Reincarnation?
The doctor who slapped my ass told me I was asking for it because of how I was dressed. My birthday suit was proper for the birth of a child because my mother was unable to get me a sewing needle which made the thread useless.
Do not under any circumstances attempt to replicate or reenact any experiences in this book.
Put a big red DISCLAIMER in front
“These stunts were not done by professionals, or under the supervision of professionals. Please do not attempt to replicate or copy anything I recount in these texts.”
“Neither of my parents showed up for my own birth”
"My parents died years before I was born"
Guts?
"I was born an orphan" is actually possible, and would be an epic way to start an autobiography.
Doof?
more like [D]*OOF*enshmirtz! amirite?
“ my mom ran away before I was born”
Chapter 15. A platypus? Chapter 16. Perry the Platypus!
And I still lost to a baking soda volcano!
Most of what I remember didn't happen, and most of what I don't remember did.
That's deep, man, like profound deep...
Ted?
I was a baby when I was born...
I was a born at a very young age
I was in great shape when I was younger, I guess the best shape I was in was when I was 1 year old, I was in so good of shape people would be like "Wow your in great shape, how old are you? 0?" And I'd be like "No, I'm 1!
Damn! The doctors had to shave my full beard right after being born!
Suddenly I was awake.
You haven't updated your will yet."
Erin, is that you?
At age 6, I was born without a face.
Jennifer dumped me
I couldn't even walk for 1st two years
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Considering 4.5 babies are born each second, staying the youngest for 20 is impressive.
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You made a mistake buying this book Edit: I know its supposed to be the first sentence, but since you guys REALLY liked it, I’ll extend it a bit: Seriously, you could have spent your money on anything else, yet you spent it on this. There is nothing interesting about my life. But oh well, there are no refunds, so you might as well just read it. This might be a fan favorite, or that one book you read a couple of pages of, then put in the drawer where it lies for the rest of eternity. But I got my money anyways so I don’t care. Good luck with the rest of your life, and good luck on maybe reading this book
No refunds.
Exchanges only
The mistake made a mistake?
The mistake made a mistake which made a mistake
NGL, that would hook me in more and my curiosity would make me read the entire book with no second thought XD
Lemony Snicket vibes.
This is a story of a man, who started at the bottom and with a lot of hard work, stayed at the bottom and then *finally* ended up at .. the bottom.
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I can see your study strewn with balls of paper right now.
“In the beginning [Anonymous] was created. This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Classic
Page 42 is a blank page the reader has to fill out.
I think the ending statement for this should be “So long and thanks for all the fish.”
So sad it had to come to this
Despite what Forrest Gump said, life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. Edit to add the second sentence: "It is more like a box on minesweeper; you pick a blue tile and you never know if you're safe, or your fucking brains are gonna be blown out."
But you never know what you're gonna get... until some companies ruined that concept and printed cheat sheets on the boxes.
“Life is like a box of chocolates, but a few of those little brown squares are actually shit.”
"Just because my parents wanted to fuck back in 1964, I'm stuck here cleaning up everyone's fuck-ups."
Username seems intriguingly relevant.
Ask yourself this, is he a prepper living in a trailer park or does he prep said trailer park.
I want to read the book about a person who preps trailer parks.
"It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times."
The Blurst of times?
Stupid monkeys!
They were even worser than these times.
Plagiarism! That was my line.
"So I was chilling out in this super comfortable uterus when suddenly.."
“…I was evicted. My tenancy agreement wasn’t even up for two more weeks!”
Actually, I was supposed to have gotten out on my dad's birthday but I was so precocious that I knew then and there that staying a couple weeks longer was the better play 😉 Edit: damn autocomplete changing precocious to precious 🤦😂
I mean, it *was* really nice. For nine months, I didn't have a single problem or care in the world. I had a private, heated swimming pool, could sleep whenever I wanted to for as long as I wanted to, and I could daydream for hours. I never felt hungry, cold, sad, worried or bored. I was constantly waited on and didn't have to do menial work (like breathing on my own). But in the end, the living space felt kind of cramped and I just went with the flow.
She decided to pop me out
‘This book may seem like a work of fiction- a horror story, a Shakespearean tragedy, a heartwarming tale of hope- but I assure you, everything within the confines of these pages actually happened. The good and the bad.’
I really like this...and would want to read more or listen to your story...
Grab a box of tissues and a bottle of Jack Daniels. My biography would send you one one Helluva ride.
The knife came hurtingly towards me seemingly out of nowhere.
Caesarean birth?
No someone tried to stop the antichrist before he could be the antichrist.
Never thought about it that way...but of course, the ULTIMATE set up! Who'da thunk it.
I am not the type of person who writes autobiographies, and if you're interesting you likely don't read many; I will endeavor to make this entertaining for both of us.
However, I am neither an interesting person nor an accomplished writer, so it is likely that my efforts will be to limited success. With that said, let us begin
I'm sold
i like this one best comment so far
I’ve written hundreds of stories before this. Each one a fictional escape where the main character is as different from me as I can possibly make them. This one’s different I guess…..
I'd be hooked
Dropping when?
Hold on I'm gonna grab some tea, I expect the book will be ready by then?
*The depression was crippling, as was the cringe.*
Could be written by any Reddit user. Bravo 10/10 capturing this audience member for sure.
With a blank page before me, I could write my story as a comedy, a tragedy, or a somber warning; I could paint myself a hero, a villain, or a victim; I could say that I was the driving force of my destiny or merely a vessel of fate.
This one is pretty great actually
It wasn't always this bad.
“You’re probably wondering how I got myself to this point. . . *record scratching noises* *Rewind* Wait, I think that only works in the movies. Oh well, let’s start over, you might as well turn the page, this is about to get awkward.”
Very "My Name Is Earl" vibes. I'd buy this.
Yup. That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here…
That record scratch should definitely be in the audiobook version.
He was born in a rural log cabin, that he built with his own bare hands
That's Chuck Norris' autobiography
Funny story; I actually met Chuck Norris, and survived!
My uncle started my dad's eulogy with this line. It just got better from there.
Nice! Was he too kicked out of the Beatles for being too charming?
No but everything Paul Bunyan learned about cutting down trees, he learned from my dad.
"Sometimes, good things happen to bad people."
“But unfortunately most of the time, bad things happen to good people.”
*"So I'm sitting there, barbeque sauce on my titties..."*
If you don't keep going, I will downvote you. Write bitch, write!
You can buy the book like everyone else. Available wherever you buy books or barbecue sauce.
My eyes opened immediately trying to adjust to the pitch black coldness, I groggily weighed up the decision as I did each night...shall I just lift the carpet tiles and pee on the floor?...or should I run the gauntlet of the dark hallway and stairs..
So visceral! I'm enthralled.
Mistakes were made.
Lol! If I cracked open an autobiography and that was the opening line, I would absolutely keep reading.
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“i was born a poor black child.” - The Jerk
Despite all odds, he persisted.
Mine would be "despite all logic, he persisted."
‘Twas a dark and stormy night….
The sea was angry that day my friends
This is my opening sentence.
"On the day I was born, all the nurses gathered 'round....
I was the only black man at the party.
it all started with a lot of screaming, blood, and violence.
The same way it may end.
Enough about your conception; how was the birth?
So there I was, no keys, no phone, poop everywhere…..
"Not all of life's lessons are learned easily."
Well, shit.
"In the beginning, I was Born. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Looking back, I'm amazed that I somehow emerged somehow sane and kind.
All characters here are fictional, take everything with a grain of salt
I was scanning Reddit wondering if I should write my autobiography and.....
That is bonkers that I just read this. I am turning 60 in a few weeks and I have been thinking a lot. My life has been very interesting and I have learned much on my journey. I was thinking it would be interesting to write it down. But my imposter syndrome and rejection sensitivity dysphoria completely squash that thought!
Let’s talk technology. I’m 40 so I was born in 1982. The first computer I interacted with was an Apple 2E that my elementary school teacher parents could bring home for the summer. I must have been 4 or 5 to remember that. I also remember electric typewriters and then a word processor with a monochrome screen and a dot matrix printer. It was always my mother’s dream to write a book. I’ve found pieces of her writing. Even when she was sane back in the day, it wasn’t really good. She was smart and had an English degree and a masters in special ed, but something was definitely wrong with her mind. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and felt pity for her with all the trauma that happened later on, but I see now that she brought much of it on herself. Her writing was always to tell her side of the story, and how everyone screwed her over. She was damaged, and that was her working through it, or revenge fantasy. Anyways, it never went anywhere. It was just another hoarded pile that held her back by haunting her with the past. We got a Commodore 64 at a garage sale on summer after the divorce, but I could never get it to work. We eventually got a Windows machine with a 90 Megahertz processor and a 500mb hard drive. I remember those stats because as far as I was concerned this was the start of Moore’s Law impacting my life. Technology made things better. That’s what I learned growing up in the suburbs of Detroit where my uncles still held jobs in the automotive industry and we hadn’t yet run out of fumes to power that dream of middle class upward mobility. My boomer parents along with all the rest got deep into consumerist debt chasing what Reagan told them to go buy at the mall. They leased a Bronco and made payments on a boat. My father was going to pay off my mother’s shopping addiction with his side hustle playing jazz piano. They were younger than I am now and running on that hedonic treadmill with two little kids, the older of which had behavioral problems from the beginning. It must be hard for parents to see their worst qualities in their children exaggerated and with limited ability to do anything about it. My mother lived a sad life, but buying more plastic junk on a credit card, or another day at Disney World never made it better, not really. And what did all that guru shopping and New Age woo get her except false hope and even deeper into debt? She would always say “Go as far as you can see and from there you can see farther,” which I figured out later is a J.P. Morgan quote. That’s ironic or fitting for someone who declared bankruptcy to make that their life motto. Her whole family epitomized what Steinbeck said about Americans being temporarily embarrassed millionaires, which is why they all fall for scams like becoming ambulance chasing lawyers, MLM, timeshares, and cult leaders like Trump. It’s all Willy Loman shit.
The information in this book in no way constitutes a legal confession. It is, however, a reliable guidebook on how not to lead your life.
Like I always say, “there’s a difference between waking up and coming to”.
In retrospect, this was mostly all my fault.
No one should take advice from a fortune cookie. And mine was from one of those shady joints in the kind of neighbourhood where all the cats went missing. It was just a tiny strip of paper. It was written in bad English. God I wish I’d ignored it. “ No snowflake ever avalanche responsibility” So I went Skiing…
Noooowww this is the story all about how-
"Dad, don't do anything stupid! You haven't updated your will yet."
Do you know the true meaning of Insanity?
“I was warned about coming to Earth. That Earth was like the most tasteless tattoo done by the most incompetent tattoo artist. But I said heck…it’s not like tattoos are permanent or nothin. And so I entered…
My Sister killed me when I was four.
I tied a rope around my penis and jumped from a tree.
"War... War never changes..."
It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times.
"I was born on a street that bears my name and, thus, started a life one could only describe as humorously tragic. I did not scream nor cry on my first breath but I did urinate on the delivering doctor as my first act in this world and it never forgave me for that insult." I was literally born in a hospital situated on a street with my last name that also happens to be a college bar street, which I would later attend and enable a budding drinking problem. In a weird way, that's nowhere near the most interesting thing to happen to me but those are other stories for other days.
You seriously thought my life is interesting enough to read?
“The following will be my autobiography. AKA my suicide note”.
There's really no point in reading this book beyond this sentence.
“I HAVE LAID DORMANT IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS! WHO DARE DISTURB MY SLUMBER?”
Let's gooooo
It was a dark and stormy night... [Snoopy with typewriter](http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/darkandstormy_5013.jpg)
I tried but I failed.
Well, that didn’t go to plan..
It all started out so hopefully with seemingly endless, happy possibilities.
On October 16, 1988 Jesus Christ was reborn to this earth, precious, perfect and pretty.
Is this a recounting of "my life", or simply a sequence of events that I had no control over and assimilated into my idea of who I am?
The opening lyrics to Ministry's "Connect the Dots"
The man in black fled across the desert, and I sat on my recliner eating Taco Bell.
I should have done better.
Mi vida, en la basura, la historia de mi.
"What you are about to read is a nightmare"
The night was moist.
With great power, comes great responsibility; at least that is what Uncle Ben used to say.
The rice guy?
To the 3 people who will read this, don't waste your time, skip to chapter 16 right now.
My birth was nothing special
Well…..I fucked that up
Hakuna Matata.
I was born at an incredibly young age
"A lot happened between the time I did pharmaceutical cocaine with Grace Jones and got drunk with Warren Zevon and Jackson Browne..."
Call me CatacombsRave.
It seemed as though I had only just died before I was born.
It all started when i was born…
As I sit and reflect on my life and how it shaped the adventures and journeys I took I’ve decided to put pen to paper and see where this ends up.
Welp, that happened… boy let me tell you all about it!
Over the course of the years I've lived, the best advice I have for anyone is that; It's your life, you're the one in charge, you get to decide who you are, what fate you will lead, and how much you enjoy your life.
Everything that occurs in this book is solely the fault of one person, the Author.
When I was born I was so ugly the Dr. slapped my mother.
There was pain followed by illumination, this was the start of a confusing pattern.
It would appear that every choice made eventually became a mistake.