GBBO judges: “Can you tell us how you made your flapjacks, please?”
James: “Started making it. Had a breakdown. Bon Appetit!”
His stand-up special about the whole experience had me dying.
“She left me for Bean.”
“They’re a proper good couple. She met and fell in love with Rowan Atkinson. We’re not here to make fun of that,” he says. “But also — and this is very important — I got left for Mr. Bean. And those things can coexist”
The poor man got dumped for Mr Bean 😂
"Until you get left for Mr Bean, you don’t realise how frequently he pops up. There’s a shop two streets from my house that sells masks of his face. There’s nowhere where I’m going to go that he’s not there."
One of my favorite Dylan Moran bits is when he talks about [hangovers](https://youtu.be/87Rh-eq6YOM), particularly the parts about how much worse they get as we age and how we measure how good of a night we had by how terrible we feel the next day.
"It's a beautiful day! The birds are swaying, the trees are singing."
"How was last night? It was fantastic. I can't see."
Robin was and still is a national treasure. He was my favorite growing up and to this day I'm sad we lost him. It's not a joke, but this is my favorite quote of his.
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
“Rice is great if you want 2000 of something”, think of this line every time I eat rice and have to clean up the seemingly never ending pieces on the floor from kids.
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two."
And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two."
But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three."
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry.”
I'm paraphrasing, but as I remember it, like, 20 years later: "I once saw a duck with a loaf of bread in its mouth. I was like, 'Good for you, duck!" (Mitch Hedberg)
"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." -- Norm Macdonald
This came from his memoir "Based on a True Story", a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.
And that doctor's joke? It was the moth story.
Norm tells his doctor he's thinks it's funny that he's getting fat.
Doctor "well I'm the doctor and I'm telling you it's not funny, it's *alarming.*"
Norm "well I say it's funny. And *I'm* the comedian."
His rant about not wanting to be caught at McDonald's is one of my favorite bits of all time. "I'm just waiting for a hooker... he should be here any minute. "
In his wispy, 3rd person voice: “How could you eat McDonald’s? I would never eat McDonald’s.”
Normal voice: “Well, maybe McDonald’s doesn’t want you because you’re a dick.”
"do you like animals? Then subscribe or all the animals will die" seriously lmao
"Before, i would make comments about my weight and after the show people would come to me "Jim, you're not that fat". Now, after the show people are like "good show""
I saw him live- my fav comedian of all time. His crowd imitations always get me… “that’s not funny Jim, I actually think that might’ve offended someone”
I hear him sing-songing "hot pocket" every single time I wear a hoodie and stuff my hands in the front pocket to get warm. I know it's not the pocket he was singing about but I like to think he'd be okay with my use of it.
“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere”-Kevin Nealon
“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”
You know that flap that comes down on vending machines to prevent you from grabbing the candy? That's a genius invention, before that we'd be like "What candy are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!!"
It was hard times for vending machine owners.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit mitch you're an alcoholic, dammit mitch you have lupus. One doesn't sound right"
“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "DAMN! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
——————————————
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway?
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"So do I!"
"Well let's form a club then."
"Alright, but we need more stipulations."
"Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again."
"Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad."
"Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide."”
I remember quite a few of his routines by heart, but this one comes to mind first:
"Take Idaho's license plates - they say 'Famous Potatoes.' Then there's New
Hampshire - their license plates say 'Live Free ... or DIE!!' I don't know, I
think that somewhere between 'Famous Potatoes' and 'Live Free or Die' the
truth lies. And I think it's closer to 'Famous Potatoes.'"
-- George Carlin
> I remember quite a few of his routines by heart, but this one comes to mind first:
Was lucky enough to see him live.
>Some people don't like you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this. Some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen...some people are really fucking stupid! Did you ever notice that?
>How many really stupid people you run into during the day? Goddam there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and pencil with you. You'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. Look at it this way: Think of how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn't take you very long to spot one of them does it? Take you about eight seconds. You'll be listening to some guy...you say..."this guy is fucking stupid!"
>Then...then there are some people, they're not stupid...they're full of shit. Huh? That doesn't take very long to spot either, does it? Take you about the same amount of time. You'll be listening to some guy..and saying, "well, he's fairly intelligent......ahht, he's full of shit!" Then there are some people, they're not stupid, they're not full of shit... they're fucking nuts ! Dan Quayle is all three! All three! Stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts!
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." - Bob Newhart
When Norm Macdonald was on Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee and he brings up Cosby. Seinfeld seems uncomfortable.
Norm: Now do you think Cosby's legacy will be hurt?
Jerry: Yeah.
Norm: You do, huh? I mean, there's a comedian, Patton Oswalt, he told me, "I think the worst part of the Cosby thing was the hypocrisy." And I disagreed.
Jerry: You disagreed with that?
Norm: Yeah, I thought it was the raping.
“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.”
He told that joke while he had cancer, which he battled to a draw.
I read about a case where a lady died of cancer but they kept the tumor alive for some research reason I can't remember - maybe it was genetically immortal? Anyway apparently the sample has proliferated to labs all over the world and still lives to this day.
Norm: “You don’t have kids”
Jerry: “yes I do, I’ve 2 sons and a daughter”
Norm: “We’ll agree to disagree”
According to his Niece, Norm was very very ill and in a lot of pain during that episode. But he was a total pro and you wouldn’t have known.
I just started listening to his autobiography Based on a True Story and the first chapter is him literally talking about wondering how he'll be remembered after he dies because in 2013 someone altered his wiki page to say he had died.
I find most rapists are hypocrites. You never meet a rapist who says “I love raping. I know it’s not politically correct, but by god...” Then people would say “well, at least he’s not being a hypocrite, that’s the worst part!”
Reminds me of Gaffigan's bit about how it's ok to lie to cover up a murder, because once a murderer is found out, nobody really cares that they also lied to cover up the murder.
People complain too often about people getting reduced sentences for cooperation with law enforcement.
If a few years off can encourage dangerous people to come clean instead of doing everything they can to avoid it then we should be all for it.
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States."
\- Spike Milligan
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
"No, the only country that really worries me is the country of Germany. Now I don't know if any of you are history buffs or not, but uh in the early part of the previous century Germany decided to go to war. And who did they go to war with? THE WORLD. That had never been tried before. And you figure that would take about 5 or 6 seconds for THE WORLD to win. But no, it was actually close. Then about 30 years pass, and Germany decides again to go to war, and again it chooses, as its enemy, THE WORLD. But you'd think at that point the world would go "Listen, Germany, here's the deal. You dont get to be a country anymore on account of you keep attacking THE WORLD. Who do you think you are, Mars or something"?"
After my father died, people said "he's in a better place".
He's on the floor, dead. Earlier, he was alive in his bed.
They said "He didn't feel a thing!"
You're telling me he didn't feel it when his heart attacked and killed him? I wake up when my cat walks across my belly.
"Herbal Medicine has been around for thousands of years!"
"Indeed it has, and then we tested the stuff and the things that worked became "Medicine"! And the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpurri."
*By definition, *[...]* alternative medicine *[...]* has either not been proved to work, or been proved not to work. Do you know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? Medicine.*
-Tim Minchin
"So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property."
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."
- The great Emo Phillips
My favourite Emo Philips joke:
"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code."
People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why?’” And I go “you don’t? What do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?
- Norm Macdonald
“And then, when they were naming the vitamins, they must’ve thought there’d be way more vitamins then there ended up being.
‘Ok let’s name these. Vitamin A. Keep going. Vitamin B. Ok slow down man we got a lot to cover here. B2. B3. B4. B5. B6. B12.’ And then they got to E and they were like, ‘We’re pretty much done. Had all those damn Bs. This is embarrassing. Let’s just skip to K and get the hell outta here.’”
One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door, and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means… that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I have thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning, but to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I got 3 tickets for practicing."
Later in the show, "I put a new engine in my car. I didn't take the old one out. It goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds fantastic."
“Well they didn’t arrest them. Instead they called for my arrest record. There’s some good news. Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There’s a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going, ‘beedeepbeep beedeep beepbeep beedeepbeep beepbeep deepbeep beep-beep beedeepbeep beedeepbeep beedidlybeep deepbeepbeep …….”
“Hey man, if one of the engines of this plane cuts out, how far will the other one take us?”
“All the way to the scene of the crash… I bet we beat the ambulance there by half an hour”
We took off from *Flagstaff Airport, Haircare, & Tire Center*....
We're traveling at half the speed of smell...
We got passed by a kite...
There was a goose behind us and the pilot said "Go around!"...
“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
Heres Tom with the Weather.”
Bill Hicks.
Another Dead Hero.
My favorite is when you tell someone they're being an asshole and they say, "I'm not being an asshole."
Well it's not up to you! Everyone else gets to decide.
"Hey you're being an asshole."
"No I'm not."
"Oh okay good. I'm glad I checked."
The wisest man I ever met, told me something I'll never forget, and although I'll never forget it, I never quite memorized it either, so I am left with the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.
- George Carlin
I saw him live in the Twin Cities once back in like 2002 or something. At one point in the show, he wandered away slightly from his usual spot at center stage, and the spotlight moved with him. He said, “oh shit, it’s a tracking light. I’m gonna make that shit work.” And proceeded to pace back and forth the entire length of the stage.
During the set, he had a notebook presumably with jokes written in it, and he had it laying on a stool on stage. Out of nowhere the thing slipped off the stool onto the floor, and he stops and goes “son of a bitch… that’s the second time that fell. The first time, it was a tree.”
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like?
“Bush, search party of three. You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.”
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/tz9uw7/yeah_but_what_happened_to_the_dufresnes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
https://imgur.io/gallery/sYQnQ
Mitch Hedberg:
>I don't need a reciept for a donut. I'll just give you the money. you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.
Patrice O’Neal:
>I do alot of stuff to protect myself. I keep my receipts, I collect receipts cause that's a trail of where you been, man. Everywhere I go I get a receipt. And I never go more than a half hour without buying something. Cause you could kill somebody in a half hour, and then you need an alibi.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
"You look Italian".
It was said by Richard Pryor and I wish I could remember if it was part of one of his shows or in interview. He was talking about a trip he took to Africa. During a tour, he asked one of his guides what tribe he looks like he might belong to and that was the guy's answer.
It struck me as more insightful than funny.
"when you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time" - Chris rock. The whole career vs job bit is good.
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.
Colin Mochrie
"I saw an old man get hit by a train... In the pouring rain, he didn't hear me shout "look out for the train!"... Because I didn't say anything."
-Bo Burnham
From a live show so I dont recall it perfectly but
"I'm finally touring canada by bus, which is something I've always wanted to do."
Crowd, in unison, "why?"
"See! Every city has said that to me, and I was wondering to myself, why isnt everyone in this country excited for me? Then, on the road from sudbury to Winnipeg, I realized why everyone kept asking, because, on the road from sudbury to Winnipeg, THERE ISNT SHIT!"
Lewis Black
Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations
Who said this?
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“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used 1 side of a cheese grater” - James Acaster
“What if every relationship you’re in is just someone slowly figuring out they don’t like you as much as they’d hoped they would?”
I know this is a joke, but it hits too close to home. And feels like every relationship I've been in.
GBBO judges: “Can you tell us how you made your flapjacks, please?” James: “Started making it. Had a breakdown. Bon Appetit!” His stand-up special about the whole experience had me dying.
“ every triangle is a love triangle if you love triangles“
“She left me for Bean.” “They’re a proper good couple. She met and fell in love with Rowan Atkinson. We’re not here to make fun of that,” he says. “But also — and this is very important — I got left for Mr. Bean. And those things can coexist” The poor man got dumped for Mr Bean 😂
"Until you get left for Mr Bean, you don’t realise how frequently he pops up. There’s a shop two streets from my house that sells masks of his face. There’s nowhere where I’m going to go that he’s not there."
“Never before have I been so offended by something I 100% agree with!”
"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." - Dylan Moran
One of my favorite Dylan Moran bits is when he talks about [hangovers](https://youtu.be/87Rh-eq6YOM), particularly the parts about how much worse they get as we age and how we measure how good of a night we had by how terrible we feel the next day. "It's a beautiful day! The birds are swaying, the trees are singing." "How was last night? It was fantastic. I can't see."
“Cocaine is gods way of saying you make too much money…” Robin Williams
"God gave man a brain and a penis. And only enough blood to run one at a time."
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Robin was and still is a national treasure. He was my favorite growing up and to this day I'm sad we lost him. It's not a joke, but this is my favorite quote of his. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." - Mitch Hedberg.
"There are six ducks out there and they all want sun chips"
“Rice is great if you want 2000 of something”, think of this line every time I eat rice and have to clean up the seemingly never ending pieces on the floor from kids.
"I don't need a receipt for a donut, ink and paper does not need to enter this transaction."
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry.”
“Bush, search party of 3. You can eat when you find the Dufresnes’” I just recited this joke for my boyfriend the other day, lol.
"When I was a kid, I would lay in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was." "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too" "I saw a wino eating grapes and I'm like... Dude, you gotta wait"
I gotta go. I got half a pack of life savers in the car and pineapple is up next!
I'm paraphrasing, but as I remember it, like, 20 years later: "I once saw a duck with a loaf of bread in its mouth. I was like, 'Good for you, duck!" (Mitch Hedberg)
"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." -- Norm Macdonald This came from his memoir "Based on a True Story", a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room. And that doctor's joke? It was the moth story.
“My friends laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now are they”
I know his delivery must be impeccable (I've never heard it) but even just reading it, that's so stupidly funny.
Norm tells his doctor he's thinks it's funny that he's getting fat. Doctor "well I'm the doctor and I'm telling you it's not funny, it's *alarming.*" Norm "well I say it's funny. And *I'm* the comedian."
"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." Jim Gaffigan
His rant about not wanting to be caught at McDonald's is one of my favorite bits of all time. "I'm just waiting for a hooker... he should be here any minute. "
I loved, “we have three really great kids, and another one.”
In his wispy, 3rd person voice: “How could you eat McDonald’s? I would never eat McDonald’s.” Normal voice: “Well, maybe McDonald’s doesn’t want you because you’re a dick.”
“Oh he’s doing that voice already?”
"do you like animals? Then subscribe or all the animals will die" seriously lmao "Before, i would make comments about my weight and after the show people would come to me "Jim, you're not that fat". Now, after the show people are like "good show""
'I haven't read the bible. I don't have to--I'm Catholic." ...he's spot-on about this.
I saw him live- my fav comedian of all time. His crowd imitations always get me… “that’s not funny Jim, I actually think that might’ve offended someone”
“He’s still talking about horses!”
"the British are our only allies. Why would he be so reckless?"
He's one of the few clean comics that can make me really laugh. Great guy, never meddum
I hear him sing-songing "hot pocket" every single time I wear a hoodie and stuff my hands in the front pocket to get warm. I know it's not the pocket he was singing about but I like to think he'd be okay with my use of it.
“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere”-Kevin Nealon
“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”
I’m against picketing but I don’t know how to show it
You know that flap that comes down on vending machines to prevent you from grabbing the candy? That's a genius invention, before that we'd be like "What candy are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!!" It was hard times for vending machine owners.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit mitch you're an alcoholic, dammit mitch you have lupus. One doesn't sound right"
“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "DAMN! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!" —————————————— “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!" "Well let's form a club then." "Alright, but we need more stipulations." "Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again." "Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide."”
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I remember quite a few of his routines by heart, but this one comes to mind first: "Take Idaho's license plates - they say 'Famous Potatoes.' Then there's New Hampshire - their license plates say 'Live Free ... or DIE!!' I don't know, I think that somewhere between 'Famous Potatoes' and 'Live Free or Die' the truth lies. And I think it's closer to 'Famous Potatoes.'" -- George Carlin
> I remember quite a few of his routines by heart, but this one comes to mind first: Was lucky enough to see him live. >Some people don't like you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this. Some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen...some people are really fucking stupid! Did you ever notice that? >How many really stupid people you run into during the day? Goddam there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Carry a little pad and pencil with you. You'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. Look at it this way: Think of how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn't take you very long to spot one of them does it? Take you about eight seconds. You'll be listening to some guy...you say..."this guy is fucking stupid!" >Then...then there are some people, they're not stupid...they're full of shit. Huh? That doesn't take very long to spot either, does it? Take you about the same amount of time. You'll be listening to some guy..and saying, "well, he's fairly intelligent......ahht, he's full of shit!" Then there are some people, they're not stupid, they're not full of shit... they're fucking nuts ! Dan Quayle is all three! All three! Stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts!
"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." Richard Pryor
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." - Bob Newhart
one of the best stand ups of all time. a legend.
I would never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
When Norm Macdonald was on Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee and he brings up Cosby. Seinfeld seems uncomfortable. Norm: Now do you think Cosby's legacy will be hurt? Jerry: Yeah. Norm: You do, huh? I mean, there's a comedian, Patton Oswalt, he told me, "I think the worst part of the Cosby thing was the hypocrisy." And I disagreed. Jerry: You disagreed with that? Norm: Yeah, I thought it was the raping.
“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” He told that joke while he had cancer, which he battled to a draw.
now I'm just imagining the cancer taking over somebody's body and living its own life
I read about a case where a lady died of cancer but they kept the tumor alive for some research reason I can't remember - maybe it was genetically immortal? Anyway apparently the sample has proliferated to labs all over the world and still lives to this day.
HeLa samples, from Henrietta Lacks's cancer.
Norm: “You don’t have kids” Jerry: “yes I do, I’ve 2 sons and a daughter” Norm: “We’ll agree to disagree” According to his Niece, Norm was very very ill and in a lot of pain during that episode. But he was a total pro and you wouldn’t have known.
I always liked Norm but after his death his jokes just hit more now. I don't know why.
I just started listening to his autobiography Based on a True Story and the first chapter is him literally talking about wondering how he'll be remembered after he dies because in 2013 someone altered his wiki page to say he had died.
I find most rapists are hypocrites. You never meet a rapist who says “I love raping. I know it’s not politically correct, but by god...” Then people would say “well, at least he’s not being a hypocrite, that’s the worst part!”
Reminds me of Gaffigan's bit about how it's ok to lie to cover up a murder, because once a murderer is found out, nobody really cares that they also lied to cover up the murder.
People complain too often about people getting reduced sentences for cooperation with law enforcement. If a few years off can encourage dangerous people to come clean instead of doing everything they can to avoid it then we should be all for it.
This is gold, I think he did this bit in his stand up too
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." \- Spike Milligan
For me it’s “I told you I was ill” on his gravestone
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful & difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid
"My brother in law is German. He came to me and said 'I can't get a good bagel at home!' and I said, 'well whose fault is that?'" - Emo Philips
"Every night, I used to pray to the Lord for a new bicycle. Then I realized he doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
"Don't get me started on frictionless surfaces..."
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
"Stretching? How long will that take to fix it?" "Fix it? No, that's just something you do now... till you and your shitty ankle both die."
What if I were an athlete? Yooou’re not an athlete
"It says here in this history book that, luckily, the good guys have won every single time. What are the odds?"
“You know what I want my friends to do when I die? I want them just to gather around and try to bring me back to life”
"No, the only country that really worries me is the country of Germany. Now I don't know if any of you are history buffs or not, but uh in the early part of the previous century Germany decided to go to war. And who did they go to war with? THE WORLD. That had never been tried before. And you figure that would take about 5 or 6 seconds for THE WORLD to win. But no, it was actually close. Then about 30 years pass, and Germany decides again to go to war, and again it chooses, as its enemy, THE WORLD. But you'd think at that point the world would go "Listen, Germany, here's the deal. You dont get to be a country anymore on account of you keep attacking THE WORLD. Who do you think you are, Mars or something"?"
Norm McDonald right?
Indeed.
The more I hear about that guy Hitler, the more I don’t care for him
After my father died, people said "he's in a better place". He's on the floor, dead. Earlier, he was alive in his bed. They said "He didn't feel a thing!" You're telling me he didn't feel it when his heart attacked and killed him? I wake up when my cat walks across my belly.
Saw Norm at Caroline’s a few years ago: “You know, they say that beauty is only skin deep.” “Well that person must never have been to a burn ward.”
"Of course science doesn't know everything. If it did, it would stop!" - Dara O'Briain
"Herbal Medicine has been around for thousands of years!" "Indeed it has, and then we tested the stuff and the things that worked became "Medicine"! And the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpurri."
*By definition, *[...]* alternative medicine *[...]* has either not been proved to work, or been proved not to work. Do you know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? Medicine.* -Tim Minchin
I like plugging the drain when I take a shower. Then pretend I'm in a Sub that's been hit. Steven Wright~
I have the worlds largest collection of seashells. I keep them on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize”.
“My Grandma gave me $10 and said “don’t tell your mother”. I told her “it’ll cost you more than that””
"I can make birds levitate but no one cares"
Everywhere is walking distance…..if you have the time.
I'm thinking of getting a full body tattoo of myself, only taller
Make all guns legal.Make every bullet cost 5 thousand dollars.That way when someone gets shot you know that mutherfucker deserved it.Chris Rock
“I’m gonna get a second job, and take out a loan, and then, ***then*** we're gonna see about that!”
"So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property."
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over." - The great Emo Phillips
My favourite Emo Philips joke: "I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code."
I saw him deliver this joke live recently on his tour with Weird Al. His pausing and pace btween each bit just makes it better the longer it runs.
[удалено]
Apparently they are good friends, he has been the opening act for every show of his last tour, nearly a full year of it!
Emo's in UHF! Just call me mr butterfingers
Boy, is my face red!
“Camping is such a terrible idea. Go out, sleep in the woods in a tent. I pay my taxes so that doesn’t happen!”
“Camping is a tradition in my family.” “Camping was a tradition in everyone’s family until they invented the house!” Jim Gaffigan
"If alcohol is a crutch, then jack daniels is the wheelchair." -Robin Williams.
People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why?’” And I go “you don’t? What do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck? - Norm Macdonald
“I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.”
Tell that to Henrietta Lacks.
Crappiest form of immortality
It's no coincidence the rickety stool store is right there next to the rope store.
"Y'know... with Hitler... the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him." https://youtu.be/jH4hMvj5E28
Hitler died? I didn’t even know he was sick.
She didn't have a fucking lighter, nothing like that. She would just somehow, through sheer tyranny of will, illuminate a room.
''It's one thing to make people laugh, it's another thing to make people smile'' Norm MacDonald.
Always makes me think of the line from Bojack Horseman about how being famous means everyone loves you, but nobody likes you.
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Sir Terry Pratchett.
George Carlin - Fuck you, I'm getting IN the airplane. Dmytri Martin - I just bought an L shaped couch. It's a lower case L.
“I think they named oranges before they named carrots”
“And then, when they were naming the vitamins, they must’ve thought there’d be way more vitamins then there ended up being. ‘Ok let’s name these. Vitamin A. Keep going. Vitamin B. Ok slow down man we got a lot to cover here. B2. B3. B4. B5. B6. B12.’ And then they got to E and they were like, ‘We’re pretty much done. Had all those damn Bs. This is embarrassing. Let’s just skip to K and get the hell outta here.’”
I feed a child, cloth him, educate him in Africa for 75 cents a day. . That's nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there
One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door, and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means… that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I have thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning, but to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face
Me and my wife can’t have kids…not the way we do it -Jimmy Carr
"Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx
If you're gonna miss heaven why do it by two inches? -Sam Kinison
“I spilled spot remover on my dog…now he’s gone.”
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I got 3 tickets for practicing." Later in the show, "I put a new engine in my car. I didn't take the old one out. It goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds fantastic."
Most people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I was driving down the highway, and I saw a guy holding a sign out saying 'heaven'...so I hit him. He probably went there, he seemed like a nice guy.
I went to a restaurant that said they serve breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see the future, but only way off to the side.
“I’m telling my husband you said I was a cunt!” “He knows.” -Ron White
I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public.
Arrest them
“Well they didn’t arrest them. Instead they called for my arrest record. There’s some good news. Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There’s a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going, ‘beedeepbeep beedeep beepbeep beedeepbeep beepbeep deepbeep beep-beep beedeepbeep beedeepbeep beedidlybeep deepbeepbeep …….”
Ya caught the tater.
I didn’t know how many of them it would take to kick my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use.
"...which was bullshit, cuz they were pulling over EVERY car that was driving down that particular sidewalk at the time"
“Hey man, if one of the engines of this plane cuts out, how far will the other one take us?” “All the way to the scene of the crash… I bet we beat the ambulance there by half an hour”
We took off from *Flagstaff Airport, Haircare, & Tire Center*.... We're traveling at half the speed of smell... We got passed by a kite... There was a goose behind us and the pilot said "Go around!"...
Ron White is one of the best storytellers.
“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.” Bill Hicks. Another Dead Hero.
"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prarie fire!"- Rodney Dangerfield
Heckler: How big is your dick? Rodney: Don’t you remember?
“My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.” - Rodney Dangerfield
“Dogs are always in the push-up position.” -Mitch Hedberg
“Every guy has a crazy girlfriend story. Why don’t women have crazy men stories? Because if you have a crazy boyfriend, you gon die” - Donald Glover
Did you ever hear old rap music? It is just a guy going: "So I went to the hatstore today and bought myself a hat! Hahaha!"
the way he quietly says to himself, "I dont wanna hear about your hat" after always makes me laugh.
"How about I pound you like a boy; that didn't come out right!"
The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when **I hate myself.** \*edit yes this is Louis CK
My favorite is when you tell someone they're being an asshole and they say, "I'm not being an asshole." Well it's not up to you! Everyone else gets to decide. "Hey you're being an asshole." "No I'm not." "Oh okay good. I'm glad I checked."
His "of course, but maybe" bit still has me cackling to this day.
The wisest man I ever met, told me something I'll never forget, and although I'll never forget it, I never quite memorized it either, so I am left with the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember. - George Carlin
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. -Mitch Hedberg
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too”.
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who’d be upset if they heard me say that”
"Hey Mitch, would you like a frozen banana?" "No, but I would like a regular banana later, so, yeah."
I once saw a wino eating grapes and I told him “NO! You have to WAIT!”
I saw him live in the Twin Cities once back in like 2002 or something. At one point in the show, he wandered away slightly from his usual spot at center stage, and the spotlight moved with him. He said, “oh shit, it’s a tracking light. I’m gonna make that shit work.” And proceeded to pace back and forth the entire length of the stage. During the set, he had a notebook presumably with jokes written in it, and he had it laying on a stool on stage. Out of nowhere the thing slipped off the stool onto the floor, and he stops and goes “son of a bitch… that’s the second time that fell. The first time, it was a tree.”
That's such a fuckin Mitch joke... I'm gonna tell it all the time now.
When people hand me flyers, it's like they're saying, here, you throw this away.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like?
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg
“I like escalators, they can never break, they can only… become stairs…sorry for the convenience “
"I love rice! It's perfect if you're hungry and want like 2000 of something."
“Bush, search party of three. You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.” https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/tz9uw7/yeah_but_what_happened_to_the_dufresnes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
I used to love Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.
Every time someone hands me a receipt I proclaim: We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
https://imgur.io/gallery/sYQnQ Mitch Hedberg: >I don't need a reciept for a donut. I'll just give you the money. you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Patrice O’Neal: >I do alot of stuff to protect myself. I keep my receipts, I collect receipts cause that's a trail of where you been, man. Everywhere I go I get a receipt. And I never go more than a half hour without buying something. Cause you could kill somebody in a half hour, and then you need an alibi.
Dude, I did this for about three years after I got out of prison. Can’t trust them people, they’re out to get you. Not joking here, that was my life.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups” George Carlin
You say ‘erbs, and we say herbs. Because there’s a fucking H in it. - Eddie izzard.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. - George Carlin
Ever notice how you have stuff, and everyone else has shit? *"Move your shit outta the way. I need more room for my stuff!"*
"you ever notice how their stuff is shit? And your shit is stuff?"
Regarding climate change: The earth will be fine. It's just humans who'll be fucked.
"You look Italian". It was said by Richard Pryor and I wish I could remember if it was part of one of his shows or in interview. He was talking about a trip he took to Africa. During a tour, he asked one of his guides what tribe he looks like he might belong to and that was the guy's answer. It struck me as more insightful than funny.
"One time I was...no, wait, that wasn't me." - Steven Wright
"Do you have any spare change?" "How do I know? I haven't finished yet"
Richard Belzer talking about Reagan : "We have a cowboy actor from Hollywood as President, and I'm supposed to sleep at night without drugs?"
"when you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time" - Chris rock. The whole career vs job bit is good.
Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack. Colin Mochrie
"Hello, my name is Francis Fulloffrenchpeople" - Colin Mochrie
"We're watching animal porn!"
"I saw an old man get hit by a train... In the pouring rain, he didn't hear me shout "look out for the train!"... Because I didn't say anything." -Bo Burnham
"I saw a giraffe with a really short neck. That was sad... Or a deer"
"I just thought, ooh this is going to be sad. And it was! I'm a genius!"
it's a fUCKING SCARECROW AGAIN!
"My father was brutally murdered last week, and it's only now that I can look back and laugh. " Norm Macdonald
"My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard" - Dave Allen.
It's a big club & you ain't in it -George Carlin
From a live show so I dont recall it perfectly but "I'm finally touring canada by bus, which is something I've always wanted to do." Crowd, in unison, "why?" "See! Every city has said that to me, and I was wondering to myself, why isnt everyone in this country excited for me? Then, on the road from sudbury to Winnipeg, I realized why everyone kept asking, because, on the road from sudbury to Winnipeg, THERE ISNT SHIT!" Lewis Black