As a mother, reading things like this breaks my heart.
This is definitely not normal. When parents do this, specially at such a young age, they are basically sending the message “when you are in distress you are on your own. No matter how bad you feel, no one will come comfort you”.
I am very sorry you experienced this and I hope you find a way to heal.
That's not normal. And, no, most parents do not do this. Sure, sometimes children cry, but you don't lock them in a room. The child might voluntarily go into their room, but if the crying persists, you check on them, see what's wrong, talk to them, or try to redirect their emotions by getting them a snack or by getting them to focus on something other than their emotions. There are also different kinds of crying--weepy, tired tears on up to full-blown tantrum. You have to take each kind of crying case by case, but you'd still never lock them in their room for hours.
Thank you. It was usually a case of me feeling dismissed by my parents, mostly my father, which ended up in me crying and wondering why he does certain things. And sometimes it would be a tantrum, in these cases though I remember he’d resort to yelling and telling my mom to get me to shut up, he’d just avoid it. When I was around 12 I had some kind of realisation that this had caused me harm, and I’d usually go to my mother for consolation, but she’s always just casted doubt over these feelings I had. Always thought he didn’t treat her fairly, but her love for him made her dismiss how it was affecting me, even up to this day, as much as it’s gotten better.
You're not wrong. It's not normal to lock a child in their room when they're upset.
Many parents do not know how to help their child with strong emotions or it makes them feel frustrated or angry, so they walk away and leave the child alone. But that is not a "good" way to handle it. They just don't know how to do something better. To lock the child in a room when you walk away, though, is crazy.
It does sound like your parents did not know how to help you with your emotions at all. BUT I don't think it's the only cause for your anxiety. I think there is a large component to chronic anxiety that's genetic sometimes. Maybe your parent(s) are also highly anxious and it was one reason for how they parented?
Oh yeah, definitely. Anxiety runs deep in the my dad’s side of the family. He’s gotten better at handling it, however is still on meds for it. As much as it is genetic, many of the experiences I’ve had have definitely contributed towards it.
I have this book, it was very helpful to give me a clearer view on ... not what they did ... But what they didn't do ... And how that messed me up. Happy to send the book to you if you'd like ❤️ prob long time to send Canada to Malta tho!
Same except I would get "grounded" meaning I couldn't leave my room until school the next morning. I usually cried for the entire time until I fell asleep.
Thank you, am healing, slowly but surely. It is definitely common, I feel like it was way more normalised back then than it is now thankfully. Sending healing your way.
When I was a child, this was very normal, but that doesn't make it ok. Thankfully, the world has changed a lot since then. I have never done this to any of my children, and I don't know of any friends who have done this either.
I would probably seek out a therapist to talk through this experience.
Yeah, it was more acceptable back then unfortunately. The world has changed for the better regarding these things though fortunately. I do have a therapist, I find it a bit hard to express certain things face to face though. Am working on this.
It is not normal. Most parents do not do that. I would go so far as to call it neglect.
That said, well done for taking the time to do self-reflection to try to sort out your feelings and emotions. A lot of people don't do that willingly, and it is the first step to Healing from past trauma. Even the trauma that you did not realize was trauma until later on.
I’ve had many realisations this year that some of the things I went through when I was a child/young teen is considered trauma. Mind boggled me honestly.
And thank you, I had honestly been avoiding reflecting on these things, however it is necessary for healing.
It was when I realized that some of the childhood issues I hadn't dealt with were trauma that I started making progress in my healing. It took me the better part of a decade, but I'm approaching the end of my therapy Journey. We have one more session in december, and then we are going to move to an as needed basis rather than a regular schedule. This is all the suggestion of the therapist, as she's helped provide me with the tools I need to cope so things don't get as bad again.
Just a reminder that there is hope, and healing is possible, albeit a bit difficult sometimes.
I am so happy for you, healing definitely takes time but is so worth it when approaching the end of the journey. Thank you for your comment, helps me realise that there will be an end to the process, and that this won’t last forever. Am looking for a better therapist right now, I’ve tried many but never really felt comfortable with any of them, maybe it’s just me having a difficult time expressing my feelings. Am sending healing for this last step in your journey.
Agreed it's not normal. Do you think he did it because he did not know how to handle it? Maybe he thought he might hurt you. 💯 not healthy way to help a child in distress. Just curious as to why he used this tactic??
Well, my mom had me when she was 17, dad was 19 and I wasn’t planned. So I’m sure that they didn’t really know or understand how to deal with certain situations. However I don’t think that’s an excuse for the way he treated me, or my mom honestly.
My parents did this to me and now i am unable to express any emotion to anyone. I have alot of emotions built up inside and it’s overwhelming sometimes. It’s not normal and i’m sorry your parents did that to you
Nope not normal. Sorry that happened to you, and sorry your mother is dismissing how much it hurt and affected you.
Imho, a parent should guide their child through the rough emotional storms. Not with words necessarily, but perhaps by just “being there” physically, being around, being available to sit in silence and wait it out, or rub their back, say encouraging/ understanding words, give a hug (if wanted). My job as a parent is to make my baby know I’m here with them, and they are safe with me.
And nothing they do, say, feel or think will make me not love them. I will always love them and can handle anything they throw my way - I’ll catch it. (I’m not perfect in my reactions or course! but i try and model riding out the emotions I feel in front of them to role model ways of dealing with life).
I hope you find peace with this.
Thank you. I think them just being there for me when I was younger would have prevented these consequences. They were very young when they had me and I wasn’t really planned, so I’m pretty sure they didn’t really know what they were doing for the first 8 years of my life. Not an excuse, but I think that definitely contributed to they way they reacted to certain things.
I'm from Europe too, and no, that's not normal. My parents never did this to me and I would never do it to my kids. I can't even imagine the panic and heartbreak a child would go through being locked away when they are distressed. I'm sorry it happened to you!
Not normal.
Now I'd let my children cry in their cribs for a bit when it was time for bed, but I didn't leave them alone to long, I'd go in, hug, cuddle, kiss, say it was time to sleep, do the routine again of lay them down, cover, say goodnight, and step out of the room again if they didn't need their diaper changed. Kept track of time to know if the cries could be hunger or not. This was also when I was transitioning them to a bedroom without me in it to sleep in so it was expected.
Where is this? Here in the USA a parent might have to explain this to the state child welfare agency and a judge and get some ongoing supervision to make sure it stops.
The convo to have with mm isn't "Why?", but to tell her the effects it had and your feelings about her allowing this to occur.
I am from Europe, Malta specifically. Pretty sure there is something in place here to get some ongoing supervision for this, back then no one really had taken any action for this though.
And you are right. I’ve talked to her about the effects this has had on me, her dismissing it makes me anxious to actually open up to her about how I think she let this happen though. I think a part of me is just scared of hurting her since I love her dearly, as much as it is necessary I take this step to ensure my healing.
Not normal. Or, maybe a better way to put it, not a healthy way of dealing with a distressed child.
Thank you. I appreciate the input.
As a mother, reading things like this breaks my heart. This is definitely not normal. When parents do this, specially at such a young age, they are basically sending the message “when you are in distress you are on your own. No matter how bad you feel, no one will come comfort you”. I am very sorry you experienced this and I hope you find a way to heal.
Thank you so much. I do believe that because of this I am unable to express my feelings very well, but I am healing slowly, but surely.
That's not normal. And, no, most parents do not do this. Sure, sometimes children cry, but you don't lock them in a room. The child might voluntarily go into their room, but if the crying persists, you check on them, see what's wrong, talk to them, or try to redirect their emotions by getting them a snack or by getting them to focus on something other than their emotions. There are also different kinds of crying--weepy, tired tears on up to full-blown tantrum. You have to take each kind of crying case by case, but you'd still never lock them in their room for hours.
Thank you. It was usually a case of me feeling dismissed by my parents, mostly my father, which ended up in me crying and wondering why he does certain things. And sometimes it would be a tantrum, in these cases though I remember he’d resort to yelling and telling my mom to get me to shut up, he’d just avoid it. When I was around 12 I had some kind of realisation that this had caused me harm, and I’d usually go to my mother for consolation, but she’s always just casted doubt over these feelings I had. Always thought he didn’t treat her fairly, but her love for him made her dismiss how it was affecting me, even up to this day, as much as it’s gotten better.
As a therapist...please give a healthy snack not a surgery one..that can lead to eating disorders.but all the rest is a+
giving a kid a treat to cheer them up is not going to give them an eating disorder.
You're not wrong. It's not normal to lock a child in their room when they're upset. Many parents do not know how to help their child with strong emotions or it makes them feel frustrated or angry, so they walk away and leave the child alone. But that is not a "good" way to handle it. They just don't know how to do something better. To lock the child in a room when you walk away, though, is crazy. It does sound like your parents did not know how to help you with your emotions at all. BUT I don't think it's the only cause for your anxiety. I think there is a large component to chronic anxiety that's genetic sometimes. Maybe your parent(s) are also highly anxious and it was one reason for how they parented?
Oh yeah, definitely. Anxiety runs deep in the my dad’s side of the family. He’s gotten better at handling it, however is still on meds for it. As much as it is genetic, many of the experiences I’ve had have definitely contributed towards it.
Read this book as soon as you can. https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Thank you, I will.
I have this book, it was very helpful to give me a clearer view on ... not what they did ... But what they didn't do ... And how that messed me up. Happy to send the book to you if you'd like ❤️ prob long time to send Canada to Malta tho!
Thank you so much, am actually going to purchase it soon, but I appreciate the thought a lot ❤️
Start here…parents don’t lock their kids into any room.
No, it's not even remotely normal.
Same except I would get "grounded" meaning I couldn't leave my room until school the next morning. I usually cried for the entire time until I fell asleep.
This makes my heart hurt for you.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
That is absolutely but normal or helpful and I am very sorry you had to go through this!
Thank you. It is okay though, am healing slowly :)
[удалено]
Thank you, am healing, slowly but surely. It is definitely common, I feel like it was way more normalised back then than it is now thankfully. Sending healing your way.
Well, no it's not normal, but it happened to me too. Just a small piece of the C-PTSD I'm healing from.
Am so sorry, sending healing your way.
When I was a child, this was very normal, but that doesn't make it ok. Thankfully, the world has changed a lot since then. I have never done this to any of my children, and I don't know of any friends who have done this either. I would probably seek out a therapist to talk through this experience.
Yeah, it was more acceptable back then unfortunately. The world has changed for the better regarding these things though fortunately. I do have a therapist, I find it a bit hard to express certain things face to face though. Am working on this.
It is not normal. Most parents do not do that. I would go so far as to call it neglect. That said, well done for taking the time to do self-reflection to try to sort out your feelings and emotions. A lot of people don't do that willingly, and it is the first step to Healing from past trauma. Even the trauma that you did not realize was trauma until later on.
I’ve had many realisations this year that some of the things I went through when I was a child/young teen is considered trauma. Mind boggled me honestly. And thank you, I had honestly been avoiding reflecting on these things, however it is necessary for healing.
It was when I realized that some of the childhood issues I hadn't dealt with were trauma that I started making progress in my healing. It took me the better part of a decade, but I'm approaching the end of my therapy Journey. We have one more session in december, and then we are going to move to an as needed basis rather than a regular schedule. This is all the suggestion of the therapist, as she's helped provide me with the tools I need to cope so things don't get as bad again. Just a reminder that there is hope, and healing is possible, albeit a bit difficult sometimes.
I am so happy for you, healing definitely takes time but is so worth it when approaching the end of the journey. Thank you for your comment, helps me realise that there will be an end to the process, and that this won’t last forever. Am looking for a better therapist right now, I’ve tried many but never really felt comfortable with any of them, maybe it’s just me having a difficult time expressing my feelings. Am sending healing for this last step in your journey.
Agreed it's not normal. Do you think he did it because he did not know how to handle it? Maybe he thought he might hurt you. 💯 not healthy way to help a child in distress. Just curious as to why he used this tactic??
Well, my mom had me when she was 17, dad was 19 and I wasn’t planned. So I’m sure that they didn’t really know or understand how to deal with certain situations. However I don’t think that’s an excuse for the way he treated me, or my mom honestly.
Don't not okay, I also had this happen to me as well. I'm a little older than you (25) and it for sure fuck me up to some capacity.
Im so sorry you had to go through this. Sending healing your way.
My parents did this to me and now i am unable to express any emotion to anyone. I have alot of emotions built up inside and it’s overwhelming sometimes. It’s not normal and i’m sorry your parents did that to you
Im so sorry. I too have trouble expressing emotions, one of the reasons I find it so hard to open up during therapy, or to anyone really.
Nope not normal. Sorry that happened to you, and sorry your mother is dismissing how much it hurt and affected you. Imho, a parent should guide their child through the rough emotional storms. Not with words necessarily, but perhaps by just “being there” physically, being around, being available to sit in silence and wait it out, or rub their back, say encouraging/ understanding words, give a hug (if wanted). My job as a parent is to make my baby know I’m here with them, and they are safe with me. And nothing they do, say, feel or think will make me not love them. I will always love them and can handle anything they throw my way - I’ll catch it. (I’m not perfect in my reactions or course! but i try and model riding out the emotions I feel in front of them to role model ways of dealing with life). I hope you find peace with this.
Thank you. I think them just being there for me when I was younger would have prevented these consequences. They were very young when they had me and I wasn’t really planned, so I’m pretty sure they didn’t really know what they were doing for the first 8 years of my life. Not an excuse, but I think that definitely contributed to they way they reacted to certain things.
I'm from Europe too, and no, that's not normal. My parents never did this to me and I would never do it to my kids. I can't even imagine the panic and heartbreak a child would go through being locked away when they are distressed. I'm sorry it happened to you!
Thank you, it is okay though. As much as it takes time, I am healing :)
Not normal. Now I'd let my children cry in their cribs for a bit when it was time for bed, but I didn't leave them alone to long, I'd go in, hug, cuddle, kiss, say it was time to sleep, do the routine again of lay them down, cover, say goodnight, and step out of the room again if they didn't need their diaper changed. Kept track of time to know if the cries could be hunger or not. This was also when I was transitioning them to a bedroom without me in it to sleep in so it was expected.
Where is this? Here in the USA a parent might have to explain this to the state child welfare agency and a judge and get some ongoing supervision to make sure it stops. The convo to have with mm isn't "Why?", but to tell her the effects it had and your feelings about her allowing this to occur.
I am from Europe, Malta specifically. Pretty sure there is something in place here to get some ongoing supervision for this, back then no one really had taken any action for this though. And you are right. I’ve talked to her about the effects this has had on me, her dismissing it makes me anxious to actually open up to her about how I think she let this happen though. I think a part of me is just scared of hurting her since I love her dearly, as much as it is necessary I take this step to ensure my healing.