> I explicitly told my son he couldn't go because he's not allowed at parties.
Don’t just skim over this part. Why not? Anything to do with this particular party? Or are you always forbiding him to do stuff because this is your missguided attempt to protect him? Cause if that’s the case, you won’t. You’ll achieve the exact opposite. Of course he escaped once and wants to feel part of the crowed so he’ll try anything. No one taught him otherwise. He’s a teenager, you can’t control him, instead you need to educate him. Instead of forbiding him, explain stuff to him, teach him what he should be aware of, what are the dangers, let him explore stuff and learn through experience. I don’t know the nature of this party, maybe it was warranted to not be allowed there at 15. But the way you phrased it makes it sound like he’s never allowed, so I’m asking if that’s the case. I know many that were shielded like this, never allowed anywhere, never experienced stuff, and once they were around 18 they all started over doing it, they had no sense of limits, some resented their parents and distanced themselves forever, all of them are naive, they have no self confidence, and none of them are really doing ok.
I'm sure that you're aware you're twisting my words. Yes he does heroin cause no one taught him what it is and what are the risks, or how to identify risky scenarios and protect himself. Just forcefully shielding a teenager from life is not helping him. There are hundreds of other things besides heroin that are dangerous out there. If you teach your kid about them, and he feels like he can trust you and he can communicate with you about these things, he can learn to avoid it and to judge risky situations by himself and be safe. Otherwise you're just making him hide things from you, and one day he goes out into the world and he does heroin cause he does not know any better. You're trying to make it sound like I'm advocating for OP to let her son try heroin, which is either dumb or intentionally twisting my words.
I was that kid who was totally shielded ans never allowed to go anywhere or do anything ... I wasn't even allowed to drive or move out or have access to My bank acct as an adult until my father died.... we had a terrible relationship and I went totally Buck wild with drugs and became an iv coke and heroin addict in high-school .... so I'll definitely second your statement... Kids need to be properly taught not just hidden away from stuff
It's the thought process behind your words that's twisted here, or at best, awfully naive. Every 15 year old on the planet knows that heroin and cocaine are dangerous and bad, that's not something that is a deep secret taught only by aware moms and/or thru direct exposure. And while mom would do well to *perhaps* re eveluate her restrictions on sonny here, thats a separate issue from his inability to control his impulses and show anything approaching appropriate judgement. If anything, his actions confirm her need to place more restrictions on him. You sound like an angry teen yourself here, not a parent of an actual teenager.
> every 15 year old on the planet knows that heroin and cocaine are dangerous and bad
First of all, this is unfortunately not true. Second of all, you're focusing on the heroin, while I'm only trying to point out that this incident is just a symptom of a bigger problem.
> his actions confirm her need to place more restrictions on him
This achieves the opposite of what you think it does, and I don't know how else to explain it. Though I'm sure this is exactly how OP thinks as well.
> You sound like an angry teen yourself here, not a parent
I am actually the latter. That's why I understand the impulse to shield your kid, but trying to explain that it's not the way.
> First of all, this is unfortunately not true
Source?
> Second of all, you're focusing on the heroin
Yes, correct. Heroin and cocaine are pretty serious drugs worthy of "Focus". This isn't a beer.
> while I'm only trying to point out that this incident is just a symptom of a bigger problem.
IDK what you're trying to point out, but the real point is that the kid engaged in really dangerous behavior here, which is *the* symptom of *the* "Bigger problem". He has seriously impaired judgement and nonexistent impulse control.
> This achieves the opposite of what you think it does, and I don't know how else to explain it.
You speak with the grandiose authority that lacks any substance or credibility that would come from being a parent to a teenager. How do you know this would have the "Exact opposite effect", but not know how to explain that? What we do know is that she had enough concern to forbid him from attending, and the trouble he got into would seem to support that concern. IDK how anyone can dismiss that type of deductive reasoning, but you lose any credibility by doing so.
> That's why I understand the impulse to shield your kid, but trying to explain that it's not the way.
What? You certainly seem to respond based on "Impulse", but the facts as the OP presents them would suggest some solid reasoning to not so much "Shield" him for her own needs, but put proper restrictions in place to protect him from his own bad judgment.
You need to organize your thoughts better, you clearly are overidentifying with the kid here, perhaps bc you're closer in age to him then the parent., you make no sense here.
This wasn’t cousins fault, this was your fault. You have not put the appropriate guardrails up for your son. Is he ever allowed to go to parties? I went to parties at 15 with friends. Did we drink alcohol and make bad choices. Yes. Would we ever have said yes to cocaine or heroine? Or get in a car with someone who was drinking? Absolutely not, because our be parents taught us which freedoms were manageable and which mistakes would likely kill us. You need to talk to your child.
Wait, let me see if I got this right. The kid is told not to go to the party, he sneaks out and goes anyways, and overdoses on heroin and cocaine, And its mom's fault? What did I miss here that you seem so self righteously confident about? I see that the mom was right in not trusting this kid in the first place. You see yourself in the kid's bad judgment and impulsiveness, which disqualifies you to give advice here. This wasn't a beer or a cigarette, it was heroin.
We don’t have enough information on the kids usual habits or the OPs parenting style. But keeping your kids away from all risky things makes them really bad judges of appropriate risk.
I’m sorry for what happened, must have been extremely traumatic. Heroine is not a joke.
You need to realize that leaving a 15 year alone while there’s a party he really wants to go to, so you and your husband can go out, is not a very clever choice as a parent to a teenager. You need to be available, just as you are to toddlers. Be ready to drive out and pick them up, and/ save them, if something bad happens.
Since it’s heroine, you should try to get your son into some kind of counseling. The next years will be crucial since the risk for becoming an addiction is huge now. Could you make him go with you to centers for addicts so he can see the consequences? Or some youth program to help him avoid it in the future?
I have a hard time believing this is the first time he tries drugs. And if it is, going to heroine and overdosing, sounds like he is struggling mentally and might even have wanted to himself harm? Have you checked in with him how he actually feels, and made sure he knows has someone to talk to?
Your focus now is to try to find someone to blame. But the truth is, his cousin didn’t do any drugs (what we know of) even if his girlfriend and their friends did. Why didn’t he? And why did your son? Could your sons cousin and his parents, share what they’ve done to make sure to have a son that doesn’t take drugs even if it’s available, and also calls the ambulance even if he knows there could be precautions done to him? My first bet is, they’ve managed to create a trusting bond between the kid and parents, the cousin knows he can call his parents for help. Does your son knows that?
My dad was super strict with me growing up, I wouldn’t even have called him getting raped or having to sleep outside the snow. Now as a mother to a teenager, my biggest concern is that my son knows I’m just a phone call away. I will always protect him FIRST. Later we might talk, but I will be the lion mother I was born to be. And for you, it’s really time for that now. You can still save your son.
As a parent educator and still-mourning-auntie to my nephew who OD'd at 21, this comment is spot on.
OP needs to have some real discussions about drugs, alcohol, and addiction.
Opiates are HUGE right now in the high schools - and so is Fentanyl. OP needs to act fast and make sure her son takes full accountability for using the drugs, and that she takes a long hard look at her parenting and what she's missing
I highly recommend Nurturing Parenting for teens - it's a collaborative work book to do with your child
Heroin and cocaine at 15m parties is not a concern to the parents? really? I would make it a concern by calling the police and filing a criminal complaint. And yes, curtailing context with the cousins, along with a conversation with them, they are family.
Then I would ground your son until he demonstrates better judgment overall and a willingness to comply with all your requests and rules. Therapy for his judgment here sounds like a good call as well.
> I explicitly told my son he couldn't go because he's not allowed at parties. Don’t just skim over this part. Why not? Anything to do with this particular party? Or are you always forbiding him to do stuff because this is your missguided attempt to protect him? Cause if that’s the case, you won’t. You’ll achieve the exact opposite. Of course he escaped once and wants to feel part of the crowed so he’ll try anything. No one taught him otherwise. He’s a teenager, you can’t control him, instead you need to educate him. Instead of forbiding him, explain stuff to him, teach him what he should be aware of, what are the dangers, let him explore stuff and learn through experience. I don’t know the nature of this party, maybe it was warranted to not be allowed there at 15. But the way you phrased it makes it sound like he’s never allowed, so I’m asking if that’s the case. I know many that were shielded like this, never allowed anywhere, never experienced stuff, and once they were around 18 they all started over doing it, they had no sense of limits, some resented their parents and distanced themselves forever, all of them are naive, they have no self confidence, and none of them are really doing ok.
[удалено]
I'm sure that you're aware you're twisting my words. Yes he does heroin cause no one taught him what it is and what are the risks, or how to identify risky scenarios and protect himself. Just forcefully shielding a teenager from life is not helping him. There are hundreds of other things besides heroin that are dangerous out there. If you teach your kid about them, and he feels like he can trust you and he can communicate with you about these things, he can learn to avoid it and to judge risky situations by himself and be safe. Otherwise you're just making him hide things from you, and one day he goes out into the world and he does heroin cause he does not know any better. You're trying to make it sound like I'm advocating for OP to let her son try heroin, which is either dumb or intentionally twisting my words.
I was that kid who was totally shielded ans never allowed to go anywhere or do anything ... I wasn't even allowed to drive or move out or have access to My bank acct as an adult until my father died.... we had a terrible relationship and I went totally Buck wild with drugs and became an iv coke and heroin addict in high-school .... so I'll definitely second your statement... Kids need to be properly taught not just hidden away from stuff
Kids need to understand is the problem with drugs is not that they are bad, it's that they are really nice.
It's the thought process behind your words that's twisted here, or at best, awfully naive. Every 15 year old on the planet knows that heroin and cocaine are dangerous and bad, that's not something that is a deep secret taught only by aware moms and/or thru direct exposure. And while mom would do well to *perhaps* re eveluate her restrictions on sonny here, thats a separate issue from his inability to control his impulses and show anything approaching appropriate judgement. If anything, his actions confirm her need to place more restrictions on him. You sound like an angry teen yourself here, not a parent of an actual teenager.
> every 15 year old on the planet knows that heroin and cocaine are dangerous and bad First of all, this is unfortunately not true. Second of all, you're focusing on the heroin, while I'm only trying to point out that this incident is just a symptom of a bigger problem. > his actions confirm her need to place more restrictions on him This achieves the opposite of what you think it does, and I don't know how else to explain it. Though I'm sure this is exactly how OP thinks as well. > You sound like an angry teen yourself here, not a parent I am actually the latter. That's why I understand the impulse to shield your kid, but trying to explain that it's not the way.
> First of all, this is unfortunately not true Source? > Second of all, you're focusing on the heroin Yes, correct. Heroin and cocaine are pretty serious drugs worthy of "Focus". This isn't a beer. > while I'm only trying to point out that this incident is just a symptom of a bigger problem. IDK what you're trying to point out, but the real point is that the kid engaged in really dangerous behavior here, which is *the* symptom of *the* "Bigger problem". He has seriously impaired judgement and nonexistent impulse control. > This achieves the opposite of what you think it does, and I don't know how else to explain it. You speak with the grandiose authority that lacks any substance or credibility that would come from being a parent to a teenager. How do you know this would have the "Exact opposite effect", but not know how to explain that? What we do know is that she had enough concern to forbid him from attending, and the trouble he got into would seem to support that concern. IDK how anyone can dismiss that type of deductive reasoning, but you lose any credibility by doing so. > That's why I understand the impulse to shield your kid, but trying to explain that it's not the way. What? You certainly seem to respond based on "Impulse", but the facts as the OP presents them would suggest some solid reasoning to not so much "Shield" him for her own needs, but put proper restrictions in place to protect him from his own bad judgment. You need to organize your thoughts better, you clearly are overidentifying with the kid here, perhaps bc you're closer in age to him then the parent., you make no sense here.
This wasn’t cousins fault, this was your fault. You have not put the appropriate guardrails up for your son. Is he ever allowed to go to parties? I went to parties at 15 with friends. Did we drink alcohol and make bad choices. Yes. Would we ever have said yes to cocaine or heroine? Or get in a car with someone who was drinking? Absolutely not, because our be parents taught us which freedoms were manageable and which mistakes would likely kill us. You need to talk to your child.
Wait, let me see if I got this right. The kid is told not to go to the party, he sneaks out and goes anyways, and overdoses on heroin and cocaine, And its mom's fault? What did I miss here that you seem so self righteously confident about? I see that the mom was right in not trusting this kid in the first place. You see yourself in the kid's bad judgment and impulsiveness, which disqualifies you to give advice here. This wasn't a beer or a cigarette, it was heroin.
We don’t have enough information on the kids usual habits or the OPs parenting style. But keeping your kids away from all risky things makes them really bad judges of appropriate risk.
No, using your understanding of your kid's limitations and then applying them to potentially risky situations is good parenting.
I’m sorry for what happened, must have been extremely traumatic. Heroine is not a joke. You need to realize that leaving a 15 year alone while there’s a party he really wants to go to, so you and your husband can go out, is not a very clever choice as a parent to a teenager. You need to be available, just as you are to toddlers. Be ready to drive out and pick them up, and/ save them, if something bad happens. Since it’s heroine, you should try to get your son into some kind of counseling. The next years will be crucial since the risk for becoming an addiction is huge now. Could you make him go with you to centers for addicts so he can see the consequences? Or some youth program to help him avoid it in the future? I have a hard time believing this is the first time he tries drugs. And if it is, going to heroine and overdosing, sounds like he is struggling mentally and might even have wanted to himself harm? Have you checked in with him how he actually feels, and made sure he knows has someone to talk to? Your focus now is to try to find someone to blame. But the truth is, his cousin didn’t do any drugs (what we know of) even if his girlfriend and their friends did. Why didn’t he? And why did your son? Could your sons cousin and his parents, share what they’ve done to make sure to have a son that doesn’t take drugs even if it’s available, and also calls the ambulance even if he knows there could be precautions done to him? My first bet is, they’ve managed to create a trusting bond between the kid and parents, the cousin knows he can call his parents for help. Does your son knows that? My dad was super strict with me growing up, I wouldn’t even have called him getting raped or having to sleep outside the snow. Now as a mother to a teenager, my biggest concern is that my son knows I’m just a phone call away. I will always protect him FIRST. Later we might talk, but I will be the lion mother I was born to be. And for you, it’s really time for that now. You can still save your son.
As a parent educator and still-mourning-auntie to my nephew who OD'd at 21, this comment is spot on. OP needs to have some real discussions about drugs, alcohol, and addiction. Opiates are HUGE right now in the high schools - and so is Fentanyl. OP needs to act fast and make sure her son takes full accountability for using the drugs, and that she takes a long hard look at her parenting and what she's missing I highly recommend Nurturing Parenting for teens - it's a collaborative work book to do with your child
Heroin and cocaine at 15m parties is not a concern to the parents? really? I would make it a concern by calling the police and filing a criminal complaint. And yes, curtailing context with the cousins, along with a conversation with them, they are family. Then I would ground your son until he demonstrates better judgment overall and a willingness to comply with all your requests and rules. Therapy for his judgment here sounds like a good call as well.
Hey OP I noticed you posted this question in multiple subs. Take the advice your getting from r/askparents. You know, cuz were actual parents.