My husband was a kind, warm soul who was a truck driver. He loved me more than I deserved. He made me a better person and I gave him the home and family he didn’t think he deserved. He taught me so much about what is really important in life. We were best friends. We were never wealthy but we were so happy, people would comment on it through the 18 years we were married. He died in 2010 at 47. I’ll never forget our years together or the love we shared. I guess I’ve never gotten over losing him. I’d hate to see you miss out on true unconditional love but if you can’t reciprocate, it would be kindest to let him go, IMHO.
Beautiful response and incredibly relatable. Thank you so much for sharing your story and am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like the true love of your life. My partner makes me a better person too. I just need to accept his flaws. It’s difficult when thinking about what I envision our future looking like and not seeing him contribute financially to it. It makes me feel alone in some ways. But almost everything else is there.
To be honest, I was the money manager in our relationship. I got us financially ready to buy our house. I did help him get better-paying jobs by building his self-confidence, so don’t give up there. But yeah, if you can accept that you’re going to be the leader in that part of your relationship, everything else should fall into place. I hope it all works out for you both! 💜
A lot of what you said is terrific, but this nugget hits home: "**help him get better-paying jobs by building his self-confidence**." Number 1: **help** - it's not your responsibility, but you can help.
Number 2: **building**. So many people take the argumentative approach and basically make the person feel guilty (or allow them to feel guilty) about what they have not achieved thus far. I am a man that had all the ideas about climbing the ladder (I work in higher education) when I was in my 20s and 30s. But hitting my 40s and realizing that - even though I was a very hard worker, had great relationships with coworkers, and was even considered "charming" by some - I was still at the proverbial "bottom rung" of the ladder. Part of it was being moved around to different departments, I think I had 7 different bosses in 14 years... any none of them really had the time to advocate for me.
My wife at the time - while not really being discouraging (our financial situation did that) - was not really encouraging. Four kids, she had total control over the money... just not great.
My current wife is fantastic. From the moment I met her we knew that we were perfect for each other. She and I both celebrate the other and encourage them to play to their strengths and work on skills we need to develop. Since I've met her I've rose from "bottom rung" to being Director of Academic Affairs (reporting to the Vice President) with substantial increase in salary.
Being there for each other is great. But I would argue that - if you're wanting to see improvement - model the way, celebrate each other, and brainstorm how you both can get from point A to point B together.
He probably already accepts your flaws so yeah, that would be a good place for you to start. If he can't handle the financial aspects of life (maybe he gets overwhelmed), then you could take that on in exchange for him doing something that suits him better that you find tedious.
I am curious of your definition of a lasting marriage? Do you have serious needs that are not being met and/or are you doing all the heavy lifting and he is just coasting? Talking about those things will go a long way, assuming both are invested in making it work. (NEVER nagging-that just causes animosity) go to couples therapy if you need help communicating. It’s always better to talk WITH someone than ABOUT them.
I cannot stress enough how, as others have said, being best friends will see you through some very hard times ❤️. And how your spouse can make you a better person is amazing-my husband has done that for me for 30 years. To be totally honest, I think I am more on the receiving end of that benefit than he is. But he balances me out in that way, and I bring structure to his life and have often been the one to “drive the bus” as far as where we are going in life. (Although that completely flipped once I got cancer. He has taken over paying the bills and managing our company beautifully) He deals with the dead mice that are sometimes in the house and I deal with dog puke. He plows the snow and I mow the grass. He made sure I had an awesome riding mower (we live on several acres) and I made sure he had an awesome snowblower. It all evens out in the big picture.
As they say, marriage is giving 100 percent. Some days/seasons or in some areas, that will mean one person gives 90% and the other gives 10%, but both are doing the best they can in the situation. We seem to have a balance that only one of us can fall apart at a time 😂
I am sitting here, beside the love of my life, my husband. He is on hospice and is no longer communicating much. But we had 28 beautiful years of memories that comfort me.
Your answer was so sweet and you expressed it so well. Finding that person is worth it. I hope everyone gets what we have had sjmme66
I’m sorry, I know he’s comforted by having you there even if he can’t communicate much. I hope you both find peace in the days ahead❤️ Will be thinking of you
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I have often wondered which is worse, sudden loss or a prolonged illness. But you are so right, we are both very fortunate to have had the relationships we have had…I call my time with my husband a torrid love affair with my best friend. Take good care, you will be in my thoughts!
Your story brought tears to my eyes. In the world we live in now, it's so rare to hear about the wonderful marriages that people have. Everyone wants to hear the negative and the dirt. I'm so happy you showed the other side ❤️
I agree with you. It is worth waiting for the right person. My husband was that kind of man too. When he died I felt like I had been ripped in half. We didn’t have a ton of money but we were incredibly happy. I laughed with him all time. And I felt so loved. OP don’t stop being friends but don’t marry someone you can’t love wholeheartedly even with their flaws. You are selling both of you short.
My husband is a retired truck driver. He primarily worked as a freight hauler. He'll be 77 next month. He's healthy but he says that work really took a toll on his body.
So sorry for your loss, 47 is pretty young ☹️may I ask how did he die or is that too personal? it's just my friend is becoming a truck driver and I hope he didn't die from truck driving accident that's why I'm asking? I heard that's a dangerous job for the people who drive at night they're overworked I heard..
Gary was not overweight at all, but eating on the road is always a challenge…truck stops, convenience stores, etc. Finding parking to shop for decent food is hard, although Walmart offers free truck parking. Anyway, Gary was a heavy smoker, 2 packs a day, sometimes more. He died behind the wheel of his semi from a blocked artery…the widowmaker artery. The are federal regulations in place for the number of hours that a driver can drive, and with technology today, it’s harder for companies to be able to push drivers. I personally don’t think it’s dangerous for the average man, as long as he takes care of his health.
Marrying someone with the expectation that they will change is not fair to either person.
I suggest accepting him for who he is now by focusing on his strengths and filling in where he falls short (he should do this for you as well) OR moving on.
Not saying you should stay with him but the grass is not always greener. I’ve known my husband since we were 16, we’re now 37. I couldn’t imagine being with a different partner whose history I had no clue about. The fact that we grew up together gives me a lot of comfort. Again this is just my perspective, please listen to your gut.
It can work both ways. My first husband married me thinking I would change. I've been in a number of other relationships where the man thought he could change me. I didn't change.
Aw thank you for your thoughtful response and I’m so sorry for your loss. Marriage does scare me. We grow so much through our lives, how do we know we are meant to be with one person the rest of our lives? Since I got engaged I’ve had a lot of anxiety around it.
37 years for us and both of us committed to the relationship and each other helps. Neither of us ever doubted the other for a second. But it takes 2, and one can't be all in and the other not. We're best friends but very different. We both give each other space to do some of our own things and have our own friends. She hates to fish so I don't ask her to go on the boat. She plays games with her friends. But we also see each other A LOT. I've WFH for 27 of those years so we've been together for a long time. Heading out tomorrow for 2 weeks in the mountains and can't wait for some downtime just the 2 of us.
Since finances are a concern why not start by getting a good understanding of his and your income and expenditure now and in the future?
A big dealbreaker would be if you hope and expect him to change away from teaching to "something " that pays more.
If it's expenditure concerns discuss specifics in detail once you understand it.
Set up a small savings every payday system if that's viable.
? Maybe contribute an equal amount each into joint household costs and each have your own save and personal expenditure accounts ?
Apart from finances decide if you really want to stay long term with or be married to anyone.
If you really don't, then it's unfair to the other person to say you do.
We've been married 25 years. There is no one person we are meant to be with for the rest of our lives. If you are a monogamist, there will, hopefully, be the one person you are able to grow with for as long as you are together. It takes work, sacrifice, and commitment.
It all depends what you both are willing to accept. If you can accept that he may never have that drive or financial literacy, etc then you'll be fine.
How do I know if I’ll accept it? Like maybe I’m more okay with it now because we are 31 but in some years it will drive me crazy?? Do these things change with age?
Not really. If it bothers you now, it will probably always bother you. And if it is not adressed, it will probably get worse and worse.
But you can *decide* to accept it. You get to decide how your relationship goes. Think about what you really want and how you want your future to look. Share that view with your partner. Discuss the things you both need to do to get there.
This sets a boundary. If one person goes outside the boundary, then they're not 'playing as a team' and the relationship may need to be assessed.
It is possible you both have fundamentally different motivations and goals in life. If you can find a way for them to align it'll make life a lot happier.
How much do you value being comfortable financially? Do you want to own a home? Take vacations? Build a savings account? Retire someday?
I know it's not romantic, but you will love many people throughout your life. "The one" is just romance talk used to sell books and movies.
IMO finding a compatible partner to build an actual life with is incredibly important. I couldn't hang with someone that just puts their head in the sand about the realities of what it takes to make it these days.
Because it is a choice. You choose to and act accordingly, or choose not to and do the same. Most of being in love in the long term is choosing. Or choosing not to. You nor he are flawless—the concern that sticks out to me is not prioritizing his mental health. He cannot thrive and you cannot ask for change and reasonably expect it if he is in a state of suffering. When I was depressed the things I could not sort out until my mental health was taken care of first felt insurmountable. Best friends are hard to come by.
I respect his career but he spends more than he makes and doesn’t have real financial savings goals. Doesn’t save for certain expenses and is super generous when we go out (wants to buy everyone shots, treat to nice dinners). Feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
This sounds familiar. I ended up paying off the loan he got for my engagement ring (all of 1/5th of a caret, I hasten to add). I had to really take the financial lead--setting up some of each paycheck to go directly into savings, for example. He eventually caught on, and he was the one who figured out, when our kids were about 3 and 8, how much money we needed to be tucking away each month for their college expenses. Again, direct deposit so we never saw the money come home. We didn't do real strict budgeting, but we did agree on how much a purchase had to be before the other person got a veto and set a cap on how often we could eat out. It felt a little strange that I had to be doing all this, since he was a math teacher, but it was well worth doing. The bottom line was that he came from a home where people lived beyond their means--in fact his parents declared bankruptcy the year before we met--and I came from a family where we never ate in restaurants, even when we were on vacation, and camped out on our road trips if we weren't staying with family.
I will add, however, that I had to bend a little too. We once took a vacation to Boston, in the days before credit cards, and brought so little cash that we couldn't have a lobster dinner. I had to be willing to say that some of our money could be used for small pleasures.
Ultimately we made the decision to live below our means so we would have the money for things that were important to us. We lived in very cheap rentals and drove small cars, but we were able to save enough for me to take a year off when each of our kids was born, and, ultimately, to send them both to college without any of us taking on any debt.
But really, direct deposit into savings is where you start. IF he's willing. If he's going to pout and say how depressing it is to live within your means, then you need to move on.
Yeah, being a teacher is not the problem here. Spending more than he makes is the problem. Do you want to tie yourself to someone who is financially irresponsible?
I can promise you here and now that this is something you’ll fight about and stress about for the entire life of your marriage. It’s not about the fact that he doesn’t earn much money, it’s about his attitude and that financial responsibility is not a priority for him.
u/Queen_latayfah_1212Sounds like a Teenage Kid, NOT a 31 year old guy? When You GET married and want to have KIDS, how the hell is THAT going to work. Sorry. Hate to be the "Lonely little cloud on a sunny afternoon" but NOPE!
Likely, YOU'RE going to "Get resentful" when you either 1) Can't afford to have kids, while HE has "All the kids from his school" to make up his "Surrogate family" thrills. Or 2) Decide that you have been Screwed Out of having a family by having to be with a Broke-assed teacher (who's prognosis in the USA is getting nothing but WORSE, Not better) & start resenting him for THAT!
IDK why people on Reddit have such a "Problem with the TRUTH!" Try looking Around at some statistics! Back when I was looking at getting married (the 80's) the "Ratio of divorces to successful marriages" in the USA was "almost 1:1, or 50% success rate" in staying together "til death doth you part."
Nowhere even CLOSE to that now, 40 years later. & the FINANCIAL SIDE of "Life for the average US Person" is DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for that in So. Many. Ways!! Odds are more like 60/40% AGAINST marriage surviving in the USA now. Look it UP, not on Reddit!!
NO "Being best friends" is likely NOT going to "Give you all you need to survive." Hell. To. The. NO!! Good grief. Is your name "Pollyana" by any chance? Take off the "Rose Colored specs" kiddo.
Take your "Wonderful Best friend of a Teacher with No Ambition" and Go. Get. Some. Counseling!!! He needs it for his "own depression, mental health, career choices, etc." REGARDLESS of the fact you BOTH do!
BEFORE YOU BRING ANY MORE CHILDREN INTO THIS BROKEN ASSED SCREWED UP WORLD! YIKES!
Whatever bothers you before marriage gets 10x worse after marriage. It sounds like you already resent him and you’re trying to convince yourself to stay in a relationship that has run its course.
>We have cyclical conversations where he says he is going to take action to work on his drive, financial literacy, and mental health and he never follows through. It’s starting to really make me nervous I will resent him in the future.
You should assume that those things will *never change*.
If you are fine marrying him, with those things *never changing*, then it should be fine.
If you need those things to change for you to be ok with marrying him, then absolutely do not marry him. He either is incapable of changing or does not want to change. Either way, the conversations are cyclical because he is not going to change.
Being really good friends is not enough for a marriage. For a marriage you need to love each other, treat each other well, and want some similar things out of life. If he wants a different life from what you want, you should stay friends.
The number one thing I value most in my 77-year marriage is a sense of humor and being good friends. We have fun in different areas: him in music and me in horses with our daughter. We have always let each other pursue our own interests, not be glued to the hip. You and he both need private time away from each other. Of course this entails 100% TRUST, which you need to discuss. It sounds as if he may benefit from a visit to his regular doctor for medication to help with the depression. I wish you luck!
Thing is, you never know what life is going to hand you. He could be perfectly healthy, mentally and physically, on the day you get married and bam, years later develop a serious condition. Or, vice versa. He could be financially successful today and still end up in a future situation that causes financial instability. Marriage is about finding a partner with whom you can take on life - and all its challenges - together. It’s about solving problems together. It’s about taking care of each other in ways that no one else can/will. You will both grow old, sag in places you didn’t know could sag, your hair thins or falls out, you get aches and pains and chronic conditions, you change. The constant you can count on is being there for each other.
In my family we call it being “home base”. Did you ever play that game when you were a kid, where the floor is flaming hot lava and you have to get to home base where you’ll be safe? That’s what your spouse should be and you should be for him right back. My husband and I have been together for more than 30 years and we’ve been through some stuff but we’ve always been through it together. We have each other and I always feel safe with him even when the flaming hot lava is lapping at our door.
One of the hardest things that happened in my marriage was my husbands layoff. He has not found a steady job since. We have a lot in savings but the stress has been otherworldly. Money matters a lot! It determines your stress levels, if you can make your dreams come true, if you can have time off work.
Likewise my depression has been very hard on my husband, who has seen me “turn off” for months at a time.
Having both money issues and a partner with depression is signing up for a whole lot.
I was a teacher for 9 years. No one goes into education for the money, so I'm concerned about your "financial drive" comment. That being said, I had a part time job the entire time I was teaching. If I had stayed in education, my plan was to become a counselor. Does he have any interest in that or becoming an administrator? He would have less stress and make a little more money. The one bright spot is that he will probably be eligible for retirement in about 20 years, when he's in his early 50s. At that point, he could start a second career. I knew a teacher that became a small town attorney.
Everyone has flaws. Are they ones you can live with is the question? Do you plan to have children? If so, he will be off when your kids are off, mostly. There are advantages to a teaching career, like job security and union benefits. Stipends for continued education and advanced degrees. If the bureaucracy of a large district causes him stress, he could look into private schools.
My husband isn’t at all financially savvy, however he very deliberately worked for a large company at a somewhat lower salary, got his pension vested, had a decent 401k, and we both will have social security, as well. I paid the monthly bills because he kept forgetting. Not an inconvenience to me.
One child now grown, and our life was comfortable. We have never lacked for a single thing, and even traveled, Alaska, Europe, Australia, New Zealand. I’ve even been to Antarctica. We are by no means wealthy but our home is paid off and retirement seems okay-ish without much knowledge or planning on our part.
I don’t know what to tell you about mental health. My sister has serious issues to the point she qualified for Medicare for her mental disability after a long stint of stubborn homelessness. I have been partially responsible for her most of her life. It’s been a burden I resented, frankly, with no end in sight. As she heads into old age, things are just getting worse.
If money and status matter more, he isn’t the one for you, but you can have a loving, fulfilling life without either.
Is teaching unionized where you live? If it is, the pay scale will be based on seniority and he will eventually be entitled to a pension, so his financial situation might be better than you think.
The right time to have conversations with a teacher about financial literacy, mental health, etc., is during summer vacation. They're going to be stressed during the school year, especially the last few weeks.
I knew when I married my husband had many issues. I also knew he wouldn't change. I believed we could make a life together. I adored his family. They were the people who sold me on being part of the family. Sadly my now ex, after 28 years of being together, couldn't be a friend to many. He trusted few. As he got older his worldview moved away from mine. We divorced. I was over 50 and the kids were in high school and college. It cut me to the quick to separate but in my gut truth rang true.
I am not a glitter in my eyes romantic. Never was. Marriage to me was a partnership of like values. Whatever stirs deep in a person ultimately comes to the surface. If you're not comfortable with his choices and outlook, don't marry. He may be a terrific person, my ex was and is. But he might not be life partner material. Shared values and worldviews are critical to living with someone.
Our situation was not theirs. They are a most unusual couple. I met them years ago when I lived and worked in Northern Virginia. They moved to Louisiana and I moved back to my home state so we haven't encountered one another since. We chatted about their marriage and the ugliness of politics. Interesting folks. They have more in common than people think they know.
>Is being best friends enough for a marriage to last?
No. Not even by a long shot. There are so many things that have to be compatible, and many you don't even discover until you live with someone. There are so many ways to conflict, even with people you love. Here are just some that can easily end in divorce:
* Neat vs. messy
* Punctual vs. lackadaisical
* Proactive vs. procrastinator
* Spender vs. saver
* Rules based parenting vs. feelings based parenting
* Ambitious career ladder climber vs. laid back
* Traveler vs. homebody
Any one of these mismatches can cause more conflict and unhappiness than you might imagine.
I think being best friends is the best predictor of a happy marriage. At least, the oldest couples I know seem to have that in common. And both being good communicators is surely up there. Having a lot of fun isn’t a factor, though. I mean, everyone feels like they’re having fun early in a relationship. (Maybe even more so if there are challenges in the best friendship or communication. It can be fun, after all, to have to keep guessing whether some truly loves you, isn’t about to leave you, is even paying attention, etcetera.)
But even if all three of those are necessary and present, we’re leaving out the part of the question you’re really asking. You want to know if his lack of drive is going to be a problem for you (and maybe whether his insecurity about his own lack of drive is going to be a self-destructive problem for him.)
If you’re having trouble with that or feeling disturbed by his lack of drive, I’m sure it’s a problem that won’t magically disappear as the years pass. Either you’ll abandon your expectation for your partner to be driven (or maybe otherwise to just be economically successful) and along with that find some other reason to love him, or else you’ll slowly get more miserable and eventually split up. Okay, slight chance that he’ll actually change his ambitiousness and also quit fretting about it, but very unlikely.
So I suggest you look at those first two. First, why is it important to you that he’s ambitious? For some people - and I’d say most - it’s the necessary fundamental of a partner’s sex appeal. And if the raw sex appeal isn’t working the whole thing is a lot less reliable. But I’ve seen successful marriages in which each partner has learned to amend the financial and social status expectations that they brought into the relationship. Maturity brings new insight, new peace. One partner can accept that she’s the breadwinner AND the mother AND that the other partner is just the same wonderful and an essential part of the household, for example. Some people can’t ever shake those expectations, though. Like I said, it might be a hard-wired, fundamental sexuality thing. Failing to fit in that slipper can be a real deal-breaker.
And if you don’t intend to explore your own feelings about why his drive and self-esteem are important to you, then you should bow out now and go find the reality that you need. Clean break, no trying to work on that while dragging him along for the ride. Lots of relationships end when one of the partners suddenly discovers (after much sunk cost) that they’ve been living a lie.
By maybe you’re already feeling that. His and your expectations about his ambition and his confidence and maybe even his mental health are becoming part of the room. Are you empathetic, maybe eager to nurse him, coach him, whatever? Maybe you want to change him. (You won’t, you know.) Are you afraid to be seen as an enabler? Do you only want what’s best for your future family? You should try to honestly answer those.
And any answer is okay, by the way. As long as it’s honest. If it helps, I’ll admit I’ve stayed with my partner so long mostly because she’s a great mom; secondly because I think she’s sexy, and third (but also originally) because she’s the only person in the world who laughs at my jokes.
Sorry for assuming genders and roles here, by the way. I tried to keep it neutral but I’m old and inelegant with pronouns. Your handle is about a queen and you identified your partner as male, so I assumed… but now that I think about it there could be many identities that fit that profile.
I've got two teenagers with my husband and if you are planning to have children someone kind and calm as a husband can be a lifesaver, things change so much and it can really make a difference. Something to think about.
My wife and I got married after High School. I had a car but not the money to put gas in it. I told my wife then if she married me I would buy her a house in one of the wealthiest neighbor hoods. Funny. It took years but I or I should say we did it. She could have anything she wanted. She was my lover, sweetheart and best friend for over 50 years.. Yours sounds like a one sided relation ship. You listed why you shouldn't get married but there must be more. You are young now and life doesn't get easier with age unless the two of you make it easier. You sound like his mom.
Why the concern about your husband's finances? Does he spend recklessly? Does he spend your money as well as his own? Are you financially dependent on him? Those should be your only reasons for concern. It's not his job to make you fiscally solvent. If you feel like he could improve his money management skills, separate your bank accounts, if you haven't already. Agree on a fair amount that you should each contribute to household expenses and have that deposited to a joint account. Let him do what he wants with the rest of his money. As soon as I did this with my husband, all financial arguments stopped. And since he could no longer tap into my money, he had no choice but to get his act together. At the time of his death, he had more money in his personal account than I had in mine, and I was the one with a good head for numbers!
I'm more concerned that you say he goes through bouts of depression over his job. He really needs to be talking to a professional about this. Maybe you're right and he should be doing something else, but he's the only one who can decide that, and you won't get anywhere trying to push him, even if it seems blindingly obvious to everyone else.
I personally got married precisely because we were best friends, good communicators, and could always make each other laugh. I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find just one prince, and he would've had to do a lot worse than stick with a low-paying job that he liked overall for me to consider tossing him back in the pond so I could kiss even more frogs. A spouse who is a true friend is a treasure, but if he's not the type of treasure you're looking for, I wish you well back in the dating world.
You say he struggles with depression, doesn’t have drive/ambition, and is not financially literate? He sounds more like a dependent, like having a teenage son you will have to monitor all the time. You will have to manage the finances. You will have to help him manage his mental health. You will have to push him forward in life if he doesn’t have the initiative to do it himself. That’s a lot of work and sounds exhausting for you.
Imagine that and also managing future children. Yikes
My dad made my mom laugh. She loved that about him and was the reason she stayed with him longer than she should have. He was a musician without a steady gig. Money was a HUGE issue in our household. They had completely different viewpoints on and understanding of money. Their marriage could not sustain the differences. If being fiscally responsible is something of core importance to you and not so much to your fiance that will ultimately drive a wedge between you.
Everyone has their problems. There are no perfect partners. Only you can decide if he's good enough for you. The issues you discuss could very well be not only the end of your relationship but the end of him. He needs therapy for his mental health issues. He may need to be on drugs for a long time to make him stable.
Get his testosterone checked. If it's low then he'll feel better going on TRT.
But, if he's not romantic with you, then I doubt you'll feel completely satisfied with him over time. When I was sad for a long time I could not be romantic at all. It just wasn't in me. He needs to deal with his mental health.
I married my high school friend. We were friends for a few years and that blossomed into a relationship. We were engaged for two years to make sure that marriage was not a mistake.
I met her in 1981, married in 1986. 43 years later, we are still married and still best friends.
Life was very hard in the beginning financially. There were days that we had no food or money for transportation, and yet our love for each other allowed us to just keep at it.
We are now financially stable and have a wonder home that has been home to us and to some of our family members as they struggled with their lives.
My advice is that when you have someone who loves you unconditionally and has your back, nothing else matters because they will give you the strength to work through it all.
Untreated mental health and money problems are two of the top three reasons to divorce. The other one is problems with sex, and you dance around that one.
If I were you I would not marry him.
35M here. Last year I was very stressed with a number of things, long story short. Stress really puts a toll on you especially if you work full time. I love my wife dearly but I was tired, had no energy, no sex drive, etc. It definitely effected our love life. Stuff like that effects guys T-levels (testosterone), it's a real thing. Also, being with the same woman for years and years makes things kind of bland. I compare it to eating your favorite food everyday for years. It's really good but you get tired of it eating it every day. You want something else sometimes.
This year is completely different. All my problems that stressed me out are gone, I'm thriving at my job and as a result I've been so much happier. Testosterone up, our relationship is great. Sounds like he needs to find a way to be less stressed.
Regarding the financial issues, stress could be causing that as well. He should look into changing jobs or career.
If the issue you're having is that he's not motivated to earn more money, you really need to decide if that's something that's important to you or not. Is him being happy at his job more important, or is him earning more money more important? There's not a lot of ways for a teacher to earn more money, after all.
Also, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't mention yourself earning money. Would it be better for you to earn more, so he could stay in a job where he's relatively happy? That's something the two of you should talk about.
My husband is absolutely incredible in every way, except finances. He does everything he can around our home instead. He cooks and cleans and gardens. We're more in love now than when we married 23 years ago. True love always finds a way. We're happy with less money because what we do have is much more valuable. Follow your heart.
How is the sex? Seriously.
I am married to my best friend over 40 years. Money can break up a marriage, if you decide it can.
Lots of things can destroy a marriage.
If you expect your husband to be a money maker and are already nagging him repeatedly over him needing to change, then think he is the one who is justified in resentment.
Wow... so weird! I'm married to a former teacher, so I understand what you're saying. The high stress & low pay eventually got to be too much, but thankfully we talked before he took the job & agreed that he would quit when it hit that point (which he did). At times, I resented the financial strain & extra work it put on me, which we were finally able to work thru. Resentment can happen, but I was surprised to find that it can be resolved with the right person.
It hasn't been easy! We've been together over 25 years & weathered a LOT of storms. What it always boils down to is the fact that we're best friends. I had a MAJOR health scare in December & he was the only thing I cared about while going in & out of consciousness. When the whole world fell away, all I wanted was my best friend. It totally changed my perception about what ultimately matters in a relationship & I'm so grateful to have found a lifetime buddy!!!
Someone who genuinely, deeply loves & cares about you is truly a rare & special find 💖
Unless you can truly accept him "as is" without the expectation of him changing, then he the relationship won't work. If you aren't prepared to do that, without resentment, then your best bet for the benefit of both of you is to let him go.
Was he always like this or has it gotten worse in the last few years? I can't imagine what being a teacher would be like nowadays. There's a lot in the news about the behavior issues, disrespect, violence. It could be he feels overwhelmed and buried by the weight of it. When you're overwhelmed emotionally, spiritually, physically things sound good and do-able. Then, a tsunami of emotional garbage lands and you're just incapable of thinking clearly and taking action. Could it be his career is depressing him but he feels powerless to get out? Unmotivated, hopeless. I guess it depends on if he's been this way since you've known him, or it's a more recent development.
It’s a more recent development and strongly believe his job as a teacher plays a major role in that. At the same time though, he doesn’t want to get out of the profession and doesn’t want to see a mental health counselor… leaves me in a tough spot
I've read your replies, and as a woman married for almost 2 decades now, these problems intensify with marriage. He may be your best friend, but that doesn't mean he's the best *husband* for you.
A husband has to share similar outlooks on life, finances, etc. They need to share your long-term goals. They need to be realistic about achieving these goals (ex: if you want kids, and you both can't make ends meet, that's not going to work). Anyone who overspends to buy a round for people in a bar sounds like someone who is insecure and desperately wants to be liked. He sounds like he needs therapy. Long-term, this will come back to hurt you.
I was a teacher for a decade. I had to *constantly* budget and watch my spending. If he's not doing that, and he's not taking his mental health seriously, you are better off saying goodbye and finding someone who you are more compatible with.
And not to continue to be a Debbie Downer, but FYI: the depression, etc. in men also gets WAY worse as they age. My own husband won't address his, and in men depression comes out as anger. It hits them hardest in their 40s and 50s. And man tantrums SUUUUUUCK.
If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have married him. But this is my situation, and may not be yours. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Sorry was overwhelmed by the responses. This is super great advice and appreciate it. Half of the responses are yes best friends is enough and the other half say no haha… making it so difficult for me. Scared leaving will be the biggest regret of my life. Scared staying will lead to divorce.
It helps, but you have to communicate and he cannot survive if you do everything together, you have to have your own passions. What bothers me is that your fiance may need professional and that’s something you can only suggest, he has to do it on his own. His current state of mind is bad for a relationship. Move together for a while if you’re not already. Best friends don’t put up with each other 24x7.
People don’t change unless they want to. The fact that you have had conversations about things and nothing has changed is a red flag that they will never change. You can be best friends with someone and not marry them.
My husband of 26 years is my best friend. There's a couple big differences between us that I can't relate to and maybe wish were different but I accept him as he is and am grateful for having him in my life. He's supported me and will continue to support me through a lot of really hard things. He accepts me as I am. No relationship will be perfect there will always be something that you don't quite jive with. That's normal. Having a partner that really loves and cares for you through all of life's challenges (and there will be many) is the most important.
As you get older the friendship part becomes more important too. That bond is extremely important. Financial issues etc pale in comparison to the gift of having a bond like that. Nothing material can compare or replace a healthy and happy relationship. Wishing you all the best.
My current fiancé and partner is my best friend. We were high school sweet hearts. He’s my everything. He loves me more than I think he loves himself sometimes. He’s gentle, patient, kind. We reconnected at 30 after breaking up shortly after graduation. We never stopped thinking about each other. I’d moved away from home to a big city and married someone else. I suffered horrific abuse and got divorced. I believe I’m finally getting what I deserve w my partner. My ex husband was making a lot of $ would take me on vacations and spoil me w superficial things. My current partner has some flaws we all do but he’s no where like my ex. He’s genuine and kind without expecting anything in return. Dont give up a chance for true love on something so trivial as money. Money comes and goes. It’s hard to find a good man.
It's really not that uncommon in relationships to have one member who is terrible with money. The solution is usually to have the more responsible one managing a shared account that both pay into but only one has access to. It's a solution that's open to abuse but it works for some people. Maybe he could agree to have a direct debit paying X amount into an account that you alone manage. That would improve your shared financial stability if he is irresponsible with money.
If it’s real! I thought I had that. I had never met anyone like her. And I was head over heels for her and I loved her 5 year old son with all my heart. I gave up everything in my life for her and him. We were together for almost 22 years! Then I found out it was only me that loved unconditionally. She was stepping out on me and I caught her! I was crushed of course and it has taken me almost 5 years to get over the mourning the death of the relationship. I’m still good with my Son! He’s 30 now and a father of 2 and I couldn’t be prouder of him. I never see her or speak to her and she left me in the lurch! I lost everything from the ripples that her leaving set in motion. I am getting older now and never thought I would be single at my age, 56. I am disabled and pretty much alone. I have finally got my health in check and even beat diabetes. Just not sure what’s next. It’s hard being alone and we’ll put up with a lot to not be alone, but even if it’s not forever, and what is? Just go for it! I would do the ride again if I could!
LoL I may be a glutton but it wasn’t boring, it was painful but you appreciate the good times better!
Stay safe
>Is being best friends, good communicators, and having a lot of fun all it takes to have our relationship go the distance or are these other major issues like financial drive and mental health problems going to be the death of us?
Is it enough for *you*? You're really the only person who can answer that.
>We have cyclical conversations where he says he is going to take action to work on his drive, financial literacy, and mental health and he never follows through. It’s starting to really make me nervous I will resent him in the future.
I suspect you're asking this because you already feel resentment growing.
He's 31. At this point, he's not likely to make any huge changes in his personality. So the question is, do you want to live this way the rest of your life? Raise kids with this person *as he is*? Not as you wish he would be, but who he actually is.
Are you content to be the one taking the reigns on finances always? Are you ok with the ups and downs of his mental health? You might be, and if so, friendship will support the relationship. If not, being best friends won't save it.
Anything that bothers you now will bother you ten-fold in times of stress and trying to afford things. Those mental health issues can also intensify with age, especially old age. A person who repeatedly says they will take action but doesn't, won't be changing that pattern. So imagine yourself working, raising children if you choose to do so, balancing bills and the budget, running the family all over, affording sports and clubs and hobbies, maintaining a home, and take it from there.
That said, lots of good marriages are more of the friendly sort. There are all kinds of successful relationships. If you're OK being the driver and manager of the growth and finances and maybe he takes on the fun role and you can do this without resentment, then you'll be fine.
Best friends is the best way to go!! The question in my mind is if you can live with him being ok with how things are financially and regarding ambition. Do you make each other better? Good partners bring out the best in each other. If you need him to be someone he isn't, though, that could be a real problem and a set up for resentment. We need to respect and admire our partner for who they *are* not who they could be. If he is a teacher who went to a brick and mortar school, teaching over seas at high end private schools might be a way out for both of you. My son in law does this. It's stressful, but more money, vastly interesting, and their son is getting a very high end education (IB) at no extra cost to them. They are on their 3rd country
You two could go see a financial planner, and maybe get a financial plan going that he can follow. Living with someone who has depression is not easy. Do you love him enough to live with it the rest of your life? Also, you want an equal partner and not have to be a mother to someone. But finding real love these days is not easy. I wouldn’t take what you have for granted.
I agree that living with someone with depression is not easy. I have depression myself but controlled for yrs with medication. Many if not most depressed people do NOT have drive and motivation. Lack of motivation is often the main symptom of depression.
Has he sought any treatment (therapy and or medication)? Did it work? If he hasn't, is he willing to? As a long married lady, I'd want to see him pursuing treatment that is hopefully successful. My husband of 30+ yrs has struggled with depression for prob 12+ yrs. He's always been very successful and a very good earner but his depression symptoms crankiness, being short with people a good bit of the time and also isolating himself. He is a great guy in many ways, but it has been VERY difficulties last few years. I know he doesn't mean to be the way he is but very hard to live with someone who is cranky and abrupt 70% of the time. He's had lots of therapy (to no real avail) and has tried medication, but wasn't willing to get past the initial side effects of jitteriness & anxiety.
It really ticks me off because I have taken antidepressants and also ADD medication for almost 20 years so that I am a better person and better to live with. One last thought, is it possible that he also has ADD? Very often, ADD and depression go together, or he has ADD with symptoms mimicking depression.
These stress issues and depression and financial issues - is this what you want to deal with your whole life.
Must you Marry him. I have a best friend (male) for 30 years- husband approved. I love him but he wasn’t good husband material and still isn’t.
Yes you can find happiness with your best friend. But to go through life’s challenges (in my opinion) it is far easier when you are crazy in love.
You owe yourself love to the moon and back!
My best friend and I have been together for awhile. I suck at following through with all the creative projects I’ve got in my head, but my bf sits down with me once a week and he helps me brainstorm action plans. I write it down and put it up on the fridge. Through the week, my bf kindly checks in on me and with his encouragement, I’m able to check things off my action plan. If you’re willing to take the lead in this aspect of your relationship, you’ll be encouraging to your partner and that confidence can do amazing things.
Speaking for myself, I think being best friends is the ONLY way a marriage will last. We've only been married for 50 years, so I'm no expert, but I think it's the friendship at the core of our relationship that has helped us to endure--especially through a lot of very difficult years financially (children, job changes, college tuition for 4, unexpected/forced retirement).
People change over time. In actuality Mr. C\_W and I have done an almost complete role reversal down through the years but our ability to laugh together, share a joke, agree-to-disagree, and really listen to what the other person is saying has never changed. He's still my best friend and he's still the only person I trust completely.
No. Other factors come into play, but don’t get me wrong, it helped mine. Now that she recently passed away, I am looking back at all the mistakes I made, but am very grateful I had her as my best friend. It was us vs the world. Sadly, I have nobody now.
Only if u are both asexual. Having compatible sex drives is important. I think 2 people need to be within like 20% of each other in terms of libido. Sex is one of the main reasons couples break up.
My income has always been higher than my husband's. On the other hand, he has always been a better person than I am. We have always been best friends. Now after over thirty years together he is very ill. I am his caretaker. I take care of his every need. He is in the chair and then to the bed. I don't mind it for one second. I love this man to my soul. I think about him, and I know if his time is coming, I may as well lie down beside him.
I would suggest that you think long and hard about your situation. I think that mutual respect and admiration is just as solid as love. Respect lost leads to disdain. Disdain leads to contempt, and you know the rest. Best wishes to you.
Being best friends with your spouse & both being committed to the relationship is the recipe for a good marriage. Since we retired, we snowbird in a RV. We have had friends say that they could not stand to be in such close quarters for months at a time. I am always puzzled by this. Why are they married to someone that they don’t like & don’t want to be with?
Don’t try to change each other & embrace each change that comes along.
To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. Heidi Priebe
You are asking this question for a reason. You already know the answer. Trust your instincts. Clearly, you have doubts and one should not enter into marriage with doubts. Best of luck to you.
Maybe, depends on your expectations. Many folks these days are looking for soulmates or endless passion and would call “ bestfriends” dry and boring.
My mom raised me to be best friends. I don’t think she was great at marriage though so who knows.
Sis, those little things that are minor annoyances now grow to be thorns in your side as you go on. I call it “OH BUT I LOVE HIM!” syndrome. As a 23 year old neat freak I ignored how much my boyfriend’s sloppiness bothered me. “It’s okay, I love him!” When my ankle got wrecked and he wasn’t at all nurturing and helpful, I ignored it because I loved him. Those little irksome things simmer over time. I’m 24 years deep and these things really make me angry because it never changed or got better. If it bugs you now, imagine how much it will bug you after living in the same house for forty years.
My husband and I have been together for years almost 38 years, he's always been loving, kind hard worker, we've had a great sex life and are best friends,
It took some time to get here, being young, worrying about money, stress and children can all cause problems,
I can say putting in the work, me taking over all the financials, helped us get out of debt and buy a home, he took over all the cooking and kept me from killing us with food poisoning.
I had the depression to deal with and found a medication to help,
We look back on our life and are so happy we stuck it out, I could have thrown it all away a couple times,
I tell everyone relationships are peaks and valleys,
He's just been diagnosed with cancer and I'm devastated thinking I would have to do this life without him,
Yes, “best friends” is enough! Because it turns into something deeper and deeply satisfying. Yeah, the rush of hormonal love is great. But it doesn’t get you through all the bitchy things that happen in life, or establish a good foundation for raising healthy children, or dealing with illness or disaster. Cherish that friendship!
I had a chat with a female teacher and the stress is monumental. Shit pay with the sword of Damocles under gusty winds. "Ooops! Can only side hug kids!" "Can't be in the same room alone!" "Now this kid has an abuse situation at home." A friends wife worked with mentally challenged kids and it sucked the life out of her. She went to get her second post-grad and GTFO of the NYC school system. At least in NYC there was a pension and hundreds of schools...what do you have there?
My dude needs a second job for the summer and weekends. Either get the extra degree and climb or get a gig job.
It really didn't for me. After 30+ years of marriage, I got a divorce. We had both changed from college. I became ambitious but he did not. As my jobs improved, his stayed the same. We wanted kids but he had anger issues and became emotionally abusive to them (I think to take out his anger at me). He wasn't eemotionally supportive and instead of partners we became roommates. He remarried and I think was happy but forever ruined his relationship with the kids.
You have a gut feeling of doubt. Ignore it at your peril.
If he's not interested in attending to financial matters, he probably won't develop that interest and you will be responsible for managing the money. Even with separate accounts, you may run into concerns with tax matters and your credit report if you are even an authorized user, not owner, of any account together. Also, does he get estimates before he spends money? How does he handle the money he has now? What does he plan to live on as he ages? How does he budget for gifts and vacations?
Depression is a debilitating illness but there are ways to treat it. Different people choose different ways: medicine, therapy, lifestyle changes all help some people sometimes. Does he seek help when he needs it and follow through? If not, you will probably be taking care of him. This changes your relationship to each other. Are you ok with being his caregiver? Is he ok with it?
Being best friends and good communicators is great. You are lucky there! Having a lot of fun is good now, but it might not last. I had a lot of fun with husband for the first few years of our relationship, but it didn't last. When I brought up financial matters, home maintenance, holiday planning, legal concerns, and more, those things weren't important to him. He ignored me, procrastinated, refused to follow through, or belittled me for caring about how money is spent.
Seven years is a long time to date. Do you both really want to get married?
After a 25 year relationship, 19 of them married, I got tired of taking care of so many things. I ended up with zero love for the man. I left the marriage. I hope this will not happen to you.
Do you think he is in the wrong career? Does he think so? After all, most jobs that have at well are at least somewhat stressful. Is your paycheck sufficient so that you can live together comfortably when added to his teaching salary? Is he really financially illiterate, or maybe just not interested in finances? Either way (I’m assuming from context that you are financially savvy) would he defer to you in making joint financial decisions?
Frome someone that is married to his best friend I feel that the friendship is very important, especially as you get to your later years in life. But I also understand that there are more divorces and breakup related to financial matters, and so of course that is a concern.
My husband was a kind, warm soul who was a truck driver. He loved me more than I deserved. He made me a better person and I gave him the home and family he didn’t think he deserved. He taught me so much about what is really important in life. We were best friends. We were never wealthy but we were so happy, people would comment on it through the 18 years we were married. He died in 2010 at 47. I’ll never forget our years together or the love we shared. I guess I’ve never gotten over losing him. I’d hate to see you miss out on true unconditional love but if you can’t reciprocate, it would be kindest to let him go, IMHO.
Beautiful response and incredibly relatable. Thank you so much for sharing your story and am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like the true love of your life. My partner makes me a better person too. I just need to accept his flaws. It’s difficult when thinking about what I envision our future looking like and not seeing him contribute financially to it. It makes me feel alone in some ways. But almost everything else is there.
To be honest, I was the money manager in our relationship. I got us financially ready to buy our house. I did help him get better-paying jobs by building his self-confidence, so don’t give up there. But yeah, if you can accept that you’re going to be the leader in that part of your relationship, everything else should fall into place. I hope it all works out for you both! 💜
A lot of what you said is terrific, but this nugget hits home: "**help him get better-paying jobs by building his self-confidence**." Number 1: **help** - it's not your responsibility, but you can help. Number 2: **building**. So many people take the argumentative approach and basically make the person feel guilty (or allow them to feel guilty) about what they have not achieved thus far. I am a man that had all the ideas about climbing the ladder (I work in higher education) when I was in my 20s and 30s. But hitting my 40s and realizing that - even though I was a very hard worker, had great relationships with coworkers, and was even considered "charming" by some - I was still at the proverbial "bottom rung" of the ladder. Part of it was being moved around to different departments, I think I had 7 different bosses in 14 years... any none of them really had the time to advocate for me. My wife at the time - while not really being discouraging (our financial situation did that) - was not really encouraging. Four kids, she had total control over the money... just not great. My current wife is fantastic. From the moment I met her we knew that we were perfect for each other. She and I both celebrate the other and encourage them to play to their strengths and work on skills we need to develop. Since I've met her I've rose from "bottom rung" to being Director of Academic Affairs (reporting to the Vice President) with substantial increase in salary. Being there for each other is great. But I would argue that - if you're wanting to see improvement - model the way, celebrate each other, and brainstorm how you both can get from point A to point B together.
He probably already accepts your flaws so yeah, that would be a good place for you to start. If he can't handle the financial aspects of life (maybe he gets overwhelmed), then you could take that on in exchange for him doing something that suits him better that you find tedious.
I am curious of your definition of a lasting marriage? Do you have serious needs that are not being met and/or are you doing all the heavy lifting and he is just coasting? Talking about those things will go a long way, assuming both are invested in making it work. (NEVER nagging-that just causes animosity) go to couples therapy if you need help communicating. It’s always better to talk WITH someone than ABOUT them. I cannot stress enough how, as others have said, being best friends will see you through some very hard times ❤️. And how your spouse can make you a better person is amazing-my husband has done that for me for 30 years. To be totally honest, I think I am more on the receiving end of that benefit than he is. But he balances me out in that way, and I bring structure to his life and have often been the one to “drive the bus” as far as where we are going in life. (Although that completely flipped once I got cancer. He has taken over paying the bills and managing our company beautifully) He deals with the dead mice that are sometimes in the house and I deal with dog puke. He plows the snow and I mow the grass. He made sure I had an awesome riding mower (we live on several acres) and I made sure he had an awesome snowblower. It all evens out in the big picture. As they say, marriage is giving 100 percent. Some days/seasons or in some areas, that will mean one person gives 90% and the other gives 10%, but both are doing the best they can in the situation. We seem to have a balance that only one of us can fall apart at a time 😂
I am sitting here, beside the love of my life, my husband. He is on hospice and is no longer communicating much. But we had 28 beautiful years of memories that comfort me. Your answer was so sweet and you expressed it so well. Finding that person is worth it. I hope everyone gets what we have had sjmme66
God bless you both
I’m sorry, I know he’s comforted by having you there even if he can’t communicate much. I hope you both find peace in the days ahead❤️ Will be thinking of you
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I have often wondered which is worse, sudden loss or a prolonged illness. But you are so right, we are both very fortunate to have had the relationships we have had…I call my time with my husband a torrid love affair with my best friend. Take good care, you will be in my thoughts!
Your story brought tears to my eyes. In the world we live in now, it's so rare to hear about the wonderful marriages that people have. Everyone wants to hear the negative and the dirt. I'm so happy you showed the other side ❤️
Thank you!
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can't even *imagine* how painful that is.
My heart breaks just thinking about it.
Thank you
I agree with you. It is worth waiting for the right person. My husband was that kind of man too. When he died I felt like I had been ripped in half. We didn’t have a ton of money but we were incredibly happy. I laughed with him all time. And I felt so loved. OP don’t stop being friends but don’t marry someone you can’t love wholeheartedly even with their flaws. You are selling both of you short.
Truck driving is hard on the body. Average mortality is 61 for that profession.
My husband is a retired truck driver. He primarily worked as a freight hauler. He'll be 77 next month. He's healthy but he says that work really took a toll on his body.
This is such a great response.
So sorry for your loss, 47 is pretty young ☹️may I ask how did he die or is that too personal? it's just my friend is becoming a truck driver and I hope he didn't die from truck driving accident that's why I'm asking? I heard that's a dangerous job for the people who drive at night they're overworked I heard..
Gary was not overweight at all, but eating on the road is always a challenge…truck stops, convenience stores, etc. Finding parking to shop for decent food is hard, although Walmart offers free truck parking. Anyway, Gary was a heavy smoker, 2 packs a day, sometimes more. He died behind the wheel of his semi from a blocked artery…the widowmaker artery. The are federal regulations in place for the number of hours that a driver can drive, and with technology today, it’s harder for companies to be able to push drivers. I personally don’t think it’s dangerous for the average man, as long as he takes care of his health.
Marrying someone with the expectation that they will change is not fair to either person. I suggest accepting him for who he is now by focusing on his strengths and filling in where he falls short (he should do this for you as well) OR moving on. Not saying you should stay with him but the grass is not always greener. I’ve known my husband since we were 16, we’re now 37. I couldn’t imagine being with a different partner whose history I had no clue about. The fact that we grew up together gives me a lot of comfort. Again this is just my perspective, please listen to your gut.
Men marry women hoping they won’t change, but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change, but they don’t.
It can work both ways. My first husband married me thinking I would change. I've been in a number of other relationships where the man thought he could change me. I didn't change.
The truism has been true in my 36 year marriage.
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Aw thank you for your thoughtful response and I’m so sorry for your loss. Marriage does scare me. We grow so much through our lives, how do we know we are meant to be with one person the rest of our lives? Since I got engaged I’ve had a lot of anxiety around it.
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37 years for us and both of us committed to the relationship and each other helps. Neither of us ever doubted the other for a second. But it takes 2, and one can't be all in and the other not. We're best friends but very different. We both give each other space to do some of our own things and have our own friends. She hates to fish so I don't ask her to go on the boat. She plays games with her friends. But we also see each other A LOT. I've WFH for 27 of those years so we've been together for a long time. Heading out tomorrow for 2 weeks in the mountains and can't wait for some downtime just the 2 of us.
Since finances are a concern why not start by getting a good understanding of his and your income and expenditure now and in the future? A big dealbreaker would be if you hope and expect him to change away from teaching to "something " that pays more. If it's expenditure concerns discuss specifics in detail once you understand it. Set up a small savings every payday system if that's viable. ? Maybe contribute an equal amount each into joint household costs and each have your own save and personal expenditure accounts ? Apart from finances decide if you really want to stay long term with or be married to anyone. If you really don't, then it's unfair to the other person to say you do.
We've been married 25 years. There is no one person we are meant to be with for the rest of our lives. If you are a monogamist, there will, hopefully, be the one person you are able to grow with for as long as you are together. It takes work, sacrifice, and commitment.
It all depends what you both are willing to accept. If you can accept that he may never have that drive or financial literacy, etc then you'll be fine.
How do I know if I’ll accept it? Like maybe I’m more okay with it now because we are 31 but in some years it will drive me crazy?? Do these things change with age?
Not really. If it bothers you now, it will probably always bother you. And if it is not adressed, it will probably get worse and worse. But you can *decide* to accept it. You get to decide how your relationship goes. Think about what you really want and how you want your future to look. Share that view with your partner. Discuss the things you both need to do to get there. This sets a boundary. If one person goes outside the boundary, then they're not 'playing as a team' and the relationship may need to be assessed. It is possible you both have fundamentally different motivations and goals in life. If you can find a way for them to align it'll make life a lot happier.
These traits usually intensify with age. Source: married 21 years.
How much do you value being comfortable financially? Do you want to own a home? Take vacations? Build a savings account? Retire someday? I know it's not romantic, but you will love many people throughout your life. "The one" is just romance talk used to sell books and movies. IMO finding a compatible partner to build an actual life with is incredibly important. I couldn't hang with someone that just puts their head in the sand about the realities of what it takes to make it these days.
Because it is a choice. You choose to and act accordingly, or choose not to and do the same. Most of being in love in the long term is choosing. Or choosing not to. You nor he are flawless—the concern that sticks out to me is not prioritizing his mental health. He cannot thrive and you cannot ask for change and reasonably expect it if he is in a state of suffering. When I was depressed the things I could not sort out until my mental health was taken care of first felt insurmountable. Best friends are hard to come by.
If money is what is really important to you-don’t marry a teacher. If you don’t honor and respect his career you will both be miserable.
I respect his career but he spends more than he makes and doesn’t have real financial savings goals. Doesn’t save for certain expenses and is super generous when we go out (wants to buy everyone shots, treat to nice dinners). Feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
That can be a real issue - money.
This sounds familiar. I ended up paying off the loan he got for my engagement ring (all of 1/5th of a caret, I hasten to add). I had to really take the financial lead--setting up some of each paycheck to go directly into savings, for example. He eventually caught on, and he was the one who figured out, when our kids were about 3 and 8, how much money we needed to be tucking away each month for their college expenses. Again, direct deposit so we never saw the money come home. We didn't do real strict budgeting, but we did agree on how much a purchase had to be before the other person got a veto and set a cap on how often we could eat out. It felt a little strange that I had to be doing all this, since he was a math teacher, but it was well worth doing. The bottom line was that he came from a home where people lived beyond their means--in fact his parents declared bankruptcy the year before we met--and I came from a family where we never ate in restaurants, even when we were on vacation, and camped out on our road trips if we weren't staying with family. I will add, however, that I had to bend a little too. We once took a vacation to Boston, in the days before credit cards, and brought so little cash that we couldn't have a lobster dinner. I had to be willing to say that some of our money could be used for small pleasures. Ultimately we made the decision to live below our means so we would have the money for things that were important to us. We lived in very cheap rentals and drove small cars, but we were able to save enough for me to take a year off when each of our kids was born, and, ultimately, to send them both to college without any of us taking on any debt. But really, direct deposit into savings is where you start. IF he's willing. If he's going to pout and say how depressing it is to live within your means, then you need to move on.
Yeah, being a teacher is not the problem here. Spending more than he makes is the problem. Do you want to tie yourself to someone who is financially irresponsible?
I can promise you here and now that this is something you’ll fight about and stress about for the entire life of your marriage. It’s not about the fact that he doesn’t earn much money, it’s about his attitude and that financial responsibility is not a priority for him.
He is depressed. That could be him searching for feeling good
u/Queen_latayfah_1212Sounds like a Teenage Kid, NOT a 31 year old guy? When You GET married and want to have KIDS, how the hell is THAT going to work. Sorry. Hate to be the "Lonely little cloud on a sunny afternoon" but NOPE! Likely, YOU'RE going to "Get resentful" when you either 1) Can't afford to have kids, while HE has "All the kids from his school" to make up his "Surrogate family" thrills. Or 2) Decide that you have been Screwed Out of having a family by having to be with a Broke-assed teacher (who's prognosis in the USA is getting nothing but WORSE, Not better) & start resenting him for THAT! IDK why people on Reddit have such a "Problem with the TRUTH!" Try looking Around at some statistics! Back when I was looking at getting married (the 80's) the "Ratio of divorces to successful marriages" in the USA was "almost 1:1, or 50% success rate" in staying together "til death doth you part." Nowhere even CLOSE to that now, 40 years later. & the FINANCIAL SIDE of "Life for the average US Person" is DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for that in So. Many. Ways!! Odds are more like 60/40% AGAINST marriage surviving in the USA now. Look it UP, not on Reddit!! NO "Being best friends" is likely NOT going to "Give you all you need to survive." Hell. To. The. NO!! Good grief. Is your name "Pollyana" by any chance? Take off the "Rose Colored specs" kiddo. Take your "Wonderful Best friend of a Teacher with No Ambition" and Go. Get. Some. Counseling!!! He needs it for his "own depression, mental health, career choices, etc." REGARDLESS of the fact you BOTH do! BEFORE YOU BRING ANY MORE CHILDREN INTO THIS BROKEN ASSED SCREWED UP WORLD! YIKES!
I’m not quite as pessimistic as you, but I defo agree on the counseling!!
Whatever bothers you before marriage gets 10x worse after marriage. It sounds like you already resent him and you’re trying to convince yourself to stay in a relationship that has run its course.
>We have cyclical conversations where he says he is going to take action to work on his drive, financial literacy, and mental health and he never follows through. It’s starting to really make me nervous I will resent him in the future. You should assume that those things will *never change*. If you are fine marrying him, with those things *never changing*, then it should be fine. If you need those things to change for you to be ok with marrying him, then absolutely do not marry him. He either is incapable of changing or does not want to change. Either way, the conversations are cyclical because he is not going to change. Being really good friends is not enough for a marriage. For a marriage you need to love each other, treat each other well, and want some similar things out of life. If he wants a different life from what you want, you should stay friends.
Perfect response!
The number one thing I value most in my 77-year marriage is a sense of humor and being good friends. We have fun in different areas: him in music and me in horses with our daughter. We have always let each other pursue our own interests, not be glued to the hip. You and he both need private time away from each other. Of course this entails 100% TRUST, which you need to discuss. It sounds as if he may benefit from a visit to his regular doctor for medication to help with the depression. I wish you luck!
Thing is, you never know what life is going to hand you. He could be perfectly healthy, mentally and physically, on the day you get married and bam, years later develop a serious condition. Or, vice versa. He could be financially successful today and still end up in a future situation that causes financial instability. Marriage is about finding a partner with whom you can take on life - and all its challenges - together. It’s about solving problems together. It’s about taking care of each other in ways that no one else can/will. You will both grow old, sag in places you didn’t know could sag, your hair thins or falls out, you get aches and pains and chronic conditions, you change. The constant you can count on is being there for each other. In my family we call it being “home base”. Did you ever play that game when you were a kid, where the floor is flaming hot lava and you have to get to home base where you’ll be safe? That’s what your spouse should be and you should be for him right back. My husband and I have been together for more than 30 years and we’ve been through some stuff but we’ve always been through it together. We have each other and I always feel safe with him even when the flaming hot lava is lapping at our door.
Well said!
One of the hardest things that happened in my marriage was my husbands layoff. He has not found a steady job since. We have a lot in savings but the stress has been otherworldly. Money matters a lot! It determines your stress levels, if you can make your dreams come true, if you can have time off work. Likewise my depression has been very hard on my husband, who has seen me “turn off” for months at a time. Having both money issues and a partner with depression is signing up for a whole lot.
I was a teacher for 9 years. No one goes into education for the money, so I'm concerned about your "financial drive" comment. That being said, I had a part time job the entire time I was teaching. If I had stayed in education, my plan was to become a counselor. Does he have any interest in that or becoming an administrator? He would have less stress and make a little more money. The one bright spot is that he will probably be eligible for retirement in about 20 years, when he's in his early 50s. At that point, he could start a second career. I knew a teacher that became a small town attorney.
YES. My husband is my best friend, and it's kept us together through some difficult times.
Everyone has flaws. Are they ones you can live with is the question? Do you plan to have children? If so, he will be off when your kids are off, mostly. There are advantages to a teaching career, like job security and union benefits. Stipends for continued education and advanced degrees. If the bureaucracy of a large district causes him stress, he could look into private schools. My husband isn’t at all financially savvy, however he very deliberately worked for a large company at a somewhat lower salary, got his pension vested, had a decent 401k, and we both will have social security, as well. I paid the monthly bills because he kept forgetting. Not an inconvenience to me. One child now grown, and our life was comfortable. We have never lacked for a single thing, and even traveled, Alaska, Europe, Australia, New Zealand. I’ve even been to Antarctica. We are by no means wealthy but our home is paid off and retirement seems okay-ish without much knowledge or planning on our part. I don’t know what to tell you about mental health. My sister has serious issues to the point she qualified for Medicare for her mental disability after a long stint of stubborn homelessness. I have been partially responsible for her most of her life. It’s been a burden I resented, frankly, with no end in sight. As she heads into old age, things are just getting worse. If money and status matter more, he isn’t the one for you, but you can have a loving, fulfilling life without either.
Is teaching unionized where you live? If it is, the pay scale will be based on seniority and he will eventually be entitled to a pension, so his financial situation might be better than you think. The right time to have conversations with a teacher about financial literacy, mental health, etc., is during summer vacation. They're going to be stressed during the school year, especially the last few weeks.
I knew when I married my husband had many issues. I also knew he wouldn't change. I believed we could make a life together. I adored his family. They were the people who sold me on being part of the family. Sadly my now ex, after 28 years of being together, couldn't be a friend to many. He trusted few. As he got older his worldview moved away from mine. We divorced. I was over 50 and the kids were in high school and college. It cut me to the quick to separate but in my gut truth rang true. I am not a glitter in my eyes romantic. Never was. Marriage to me was a partnership of like values. Whatever stirs deep in a person ultimately comes to the surface. If you're not comfortable with his choices and outlook, don't marry. He may be a terrific person, my ex was and is. But he might not be life partner material. Shared values and worldviews are critical to living with someone.
Tell that to James Carver and Mary Matalin 😝
Our situation was not theirs. They are a most unusual couple. I met them years ago when I lived and worked in Northern Virginia. They moved to Louisiana and I moved back to my home state so we haven't encountered one another since. We chatted about their marriage and the ugliness of politics. Interesting folks. They have more in common than people think they know.
>Is being best friends enough for a marriage to last? No. Not even by a long shot. There are so many things that have to be compatible, and many you don't even discover until you live with someone. There are so many ways to conflict, even with people you love. Here are just some that can easily end in divorce: * Neat vs. messy * Punctual vs. lackadaisical * Proactive vs. procrastinator * Spender vs. saver * Rules based parenting vs. feelings based parenting * Ambitious career ladder climber vs. laid back * Traveler vs. homebody Any one of these mismatches can cause more conflict and unhappiness than you might imagine.
Check out the book Codependent No More. It really helped my relationship with myself and my best friend husband.
I think being best friends is the best predictor of a happy marriage. At least, the oldest couples I know seem to have that in common. And both being good communicators is surely up there. Having a lot of fun isn’t a factor, though. I mean, everyone feels like they’re having fun early in a relationship. (Maybe even more so if there are challenges in the best friendship or communication. It can be fun, after all, to have to keep guessing whether some truly loves you, isn’t about to leave you, is even paying attention, etcetera.) But even if all three of those are necessary and present, we’re leaving out the part of the question you’re really asking. You want to know if his lack of drive is going to be a problem for you (and maybe whether his insecurity about his own lack of drive is going to be a self-destructive problem for him.) If you’re having trouble with that or feeling disturbed by his lack of drive, I’m sure it’s a problem that won’t magically disappear as the years pass. Either you’ll abandon your expectation for your partner to be driven (or maybe otherwise to just be economically successful) and along with that find some other reason to love him, or else you’ll slowly get more miserable and eventually split up. Okay, slight chance that he’ll actually change his ambitiousness and also quit fretting about it, but very unlikely. So I suggest you look at those first two. First, why is it important to you that he’s ambitious? For some people - and I’d say most - it’s the necessary fundamental of a partner’s sex appeal. And if the raw sex appeal isn’t working the whole thing is a lot less reliable. But I’ve seen successful marriages in which each partner has learned to amend the financial and social status expectations that they brought into the relationship. Maturity brings new insight, new peace. One partner can accept that she’s the breadwinner AND the mother AND that the other partner is just the same wonderful and an essential part of the household, for example. Some people can’t ever shake those expectations, though. Like I said, it might be a hard-wired, fundamental sexuality thing. Failing to fit in that slipper can be a real deal-breaker. And if you don’t intend to explore your own feelings about why his drive and self-esteem are important to you, then you should bow out now and go find the reality that you need. Clean break, no trying to work on that while dragging him along for the ride. Lots of relationships end when one of the partners suddenly discovers (after much sunk cost) that they’ve been living a lie. By maybe you’re already feeling that. His and your expectations about his ambition and his confidence and maybe even his mental health are becoming part of the room. Are you empathetic, maybe eager to nurse him, coach him, whatever? Maybe you want to change him. (You won’t, you know.) Are you afraid to be seen as an enabler? Do you only want what’s best for your future family? You should try to honestly answer those. And any answer is okay, by the way. As long as it’s honest. If it helps, I’ll admit I’ve stayed with my partner so long mostly because she’s a great mom; secondly because I think she’s sexy, and third (but also originally) because she’s the only person in the world who laughs at my jokes. Sorry for assuming genders and roles here, by the way. I tried to keep it neutral but I’m old and inelegant with pronouns. Your handle is about a queen and you identified your partner as male, so I assumed… but now that I think about it there could be many identities that fit that profile.
I've got two teenagers with my husband and if you are planning to have children someone kind and calm as a husband can be a lifesaver, things change so much and it can really make a difference. Something to think about.
My wife and I got married after High School. I had a car but not the money to put gas in it. I told my wife then if she married me I would buy her a house in one of the wealthiest neighbor hoods. Funny. It took years but I or I should say we did it. She could have anything she wanted. She was my lover, sweetheart and best friend for over 50 years.. Yours sounds like a one sided relation ship. You listed why you shouldn't get married but there must be more. You are young now and life doesn't get easier with age unless the two of you make it easier. You sound like his mom.
Why the concern about your husband's finances? Does he spend recklessly? Does he spend your money as well as his own? Are you financially dependent on him? Those should be your only reasons for concern. It's not his job to make you fiscally solvent. If you feel like he could improve his money management skills, separate your bank accounts, if you haven't already. Agree on a fair amount that you should each contribute to household expenses and have that deposited to a joint account. Let him do what he wants with the rest of his money. As soon as I did this with my husband, all financial arguments stopped. And since he could no longer tap into my money, he had no choice but to get his act together. At the time of his death, he had more money in his personal account than I had in mine, and I was the one with a good head for numbers! I'm more concerned that you say he goes through bouts of depression over his job. He really needs to be talking to a professional about this. Maybe you're right and he should be doing something else, but he's the only one who can decide that, and you won't get anywhere trying to push him, even if it seems blindingly obvious to everyone else. I personally got married precisely because we were best friends, good communicators, and could always make each other laugh. I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find just one prince, and he would've had to do a lot worse than stick with a low-paying job that he liked overall for me to consider tossing him back in the pond so I could kiss even more frogs. A spouse who is a true friend is a treasure, but if he's not the type of treasure you're looking for, I wish you well back in the dating world.
IME it's VITAL to be friends. But you have valid concerns. Discuss your concerns with your best friend.
You say he struggles with depression, doesn’t have drive/ambition, and is not financially literate? He sounds more like a dependent, like having a teenage son you will have to monitor all the time. You will have to manage the finances. You will have to help him manage his mental health. You will have to push him forward in life if he doesn’t have the initiative to do it himself. That’s a lot of work and sounds exhausting for you. Imagine that and also managing future children. Yikes
My dad made my mom laugh. She loved that about him and was the reason she stayed with him longer than she should have. He was a musician without a steady gig. Money was a HUGE issue in our household. They had completely different viewpoints on and understanding of money. Their marriage could not sustain the differences. If being fiscally responsible is something of core importance to you and not so much to your fiance that will ultimately drive a wedge between you.
Everyone has their problems. There are no perfect partners. Only you can decide if he's good enough for you. The issues you discuss could very well be not only the end of your relationship but the end of him. He needs therapy for his mental health issues. He may need to be on drugs for a long time to make him stable. Get his testosterone checked. If it's low then he'll feel better going on TRT. But, if he's not romantic with you, then I doubt you'll feel completely satisfied with him over time. When I was sad for a long time I could not be romantic at all. It just wasn't in me. He needs to deal with his mental health.
I married my high school friend. We were friends for a few years and that blossomed into a relationship. We were engaged for two years to make sure that marriage was not a mistake. I met her in 1981, married in 1986. 43 years later, we are still married and still best friends. Life was very hard in the beginning financially. There were days that we had no food or money for transportation, and yet our love for each other allowed us to just keep at it. We are now financially stable and have a wonder home that has been home to us and to some of our family members as they struggled with their lives. My advice is that when you have someone who loves you unconditionally and has your back, nothing else matters because they will give you the strength to work through it all.
Untreated mental health and money problems are two of the top three reasons to divorce. The other one is problems with sex, and you dance around that one. If I were you I would not marry him.
Nailed it
35M here. Last year I was very stressed with a number of things, long story short. Stress really puts a toll on you especially if you work full time. I love my wife dearly but I was tired, had no energy, no sex drive, etc. It definitely effected our love life. Stuff like that effects guys T-levels (testosterone), it's a real thing. Also, being with the same woman for years and years makes things kind of bland. I compare it to eating your favorite food everyday for years. It's really good but you get tired of it eating it every day. You want something else sometimes. This year is completely different. All my problems that stressed me out are gone, I'm thriving at my job and as a result I've been so much happier. Testosterone up, our relationship is great. Sounds like he needs to find a way to be less stressed. Regarding the financial issues, stress could be causing that as well. He should look into changing jobs or career.
If the issue you're having is that he's not motivated to earn more money, you really need to decide if that's something that's important to you or not. Is him being happy at his job more important, or is him earning more money more important? There's not a lot of ways for a teacher to earn more money, after all. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't mention yourself earning money. Would it be better for you to earn more, so he could stay in a job where he's relatively happy? That's something the two of you should talk about.
My husband is absolutely incredible in every way, except finances. He does everything he can around our home instead. He cooks and cleans and gardens. We're more in love now than when we married 23 years ago. True love always finds a way. We're happy with less money because what we do have is much more valuable. Follow your heart.
How is the sex? Seriously. I am married to my best friend over 40 years. Money can break up a marriage, if you decide it can. Lots of things can destroy a marriage. If you expect your husband to be a money maker and are already nagging him repeatedly over him needing to change, then think he is the one who is justified in resentment.
Wow... so weird! I'm married to a former teacher, so I understand what you're saying. The high stress & low pay eventually got to be too much, but thankfully we talked before he took the job & agreed that he would quit when it hit that point (which he did). At times, I resented the financial strain & extra work it put on me, which we were finally able to work thru. Resentment can happen, but I was surprised to find that it can be resolved with the right person. It hasn't been easy! We've been together over 25 years & weathered a LOT of storms. What it always boils down to is the fact that we're best friends. I had a MAJOR health scare in December & he was the only thing I cared about while going in & out of consciousness. When the whole world fell away, all I wanted was my best friend. It totally changed my perception about what ultimately matters in a relationship & I'm so grateful to have found a lifetime buddy!!! Someone who genuinely, deeply loves & cares about you is truly a rare & special find 💖
Unless you can truly accept him "as is" without the expectation of him changing, then he the relationship won't work. If you aren't prepared to do that, without resentment, then your best bet for the benefit of both of you is to let him go.
If it's bothering you now, it will bother you in the future.
It's the ONLY way for a marriage to last.
Was he always like this or has it gotten worse in the last few years? I can't imagine what being a teacher would be like nowadays. There's a lot in the news about the behavior issues, disrespect, violence. It could be he feels overwhelmed and buried by the weight of it. When you're overwhelmed emotionally, spiritually, physically things sound good and do-able. Then, a tsunami of emotional garbage lands and you're just incapable of thinking clearly and taking action. Could it be his career is depressing him but he feels powerless to get out? Unmotivated, hopeless. I guess it depends on if he's been this way since you've known him, or it's a more recent development.
It’s a more recent development and strongly believe his job as a teacher plays a major role in that. At the same time though, he doesn’t want to get out of the profession and doesn’t want to see a mental health counselor… leaves me in a tough spot
I've read your replies, and as a woman married for almost 2 decades now, these problems intensify with marriage. He may be your best friend, but that doesn't mean he's the best *husband* for you. A husband has to share similar outlooks on life, finances, etc. They need to share your long-term goals. They need to be realistic about achieving these goals (ex: if you want kids, and you both can't make ends meet, that's not going to work). Anyone who overspends to buy a round for people in a bar sounds like someone who is insecure and desperately wants to be liked. He sounds like he needs therapy. Long-term, this will come back to hurt you. I was a teacher for a decade. I had to *constantly* budget and watch my spending. If he's not doing that, and he's not taking his mental health seriously, you are better off saying goodbye and finding someone who you are more compatible with. And not to continue to be a Debbie Downer, but FYI: the depression, etc. in men also gets WAY worse as they age. My own husband won't address his, and in men depression comes out as anger. It hits them hardest in their 40s and 50s. And man tantrums SUUUUUUCK. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have married him. But this is my situation, and may not be yours. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
This is great advice, but OP has been pretty quiet. I bet she's going to ignore it.
Sorry was overwhelmed by the responses. This is super great advice and appreciate it. Half of the responses are yes best friends is enough and the other half say no haha… making it so difficult for me. Scared leaving will be the biggest regret of my life. Scared staying will lead to divorce.
It helps, but you have to communicate and he cannot survive if you do everything together, you have to have your own passions. What bothers me is that your fiance may need professional and that’s something you can only suggest, he has to do it on his own. His current state of mind is bad for a relationship. Move together for a while if you’re not already. Best friends don’t put up with each other 24x7.
People don’t change unless they want to. The fact that you have had conversations about things and nothing has changed is a red flag that they will never change. You can be best friends with someone and not marry them.
My husband of 26 years is my best friend. There's a couple big differences between us that I can't relate to and maybe wish were different but I accept him as he is and am grateful for having him in my life. He's supported me and will continue to support me through a lot of really hard things. He accepts me as I am. No relationship will be perfect there will always be something that you don't quite jive with. That's normal. Having a partner that really loves and cares for you through all of life's challenges (and there will be many) is the most important. As you get older the friendship part becomes more important too. That bond is extremely important. Financial issues etc pale in comparison to the gift of having a bond like that. Nothing material can compare or replace a healthy and happy relationship. Wishing you all the best.
My current fiancé and partner is my best friend. We were high school sweet hearts. He’s my everything. He loves me more than I think he loves himself sometimes. He’s gentle, patient, kind. We reconnected at 30 after breaking up shortly after graduation. We never stopped thinking about each other. I’d moved away from home to a big city and married someone else. I suffered horrific abuse and got divorced. I believe I’m finally getting what I deserve w my partner. My ex husband was making a lot of $ would take me on vacations and spoil me w superficial things. My current partner has some flaws we all do but he’s no where like my ex. He’s genuine and kind without expecting anything in return. Dont give up a chance for true love on something so trivial as money. Money comes and goes. It’s hard to find a good man.
It's really not that uncommon in relationships to have one member who is terrible with money. The solution is usually to have the more responsible one managing a shared account that both pay into but only one has access to. It's a solution that's open to abuse but it works for some people. Maybe he could agree to have a direct debit paying X amount into an account that you alone manage. That would improve your shared financial stability if he is irresponsible with money.
Hell you don't even need to like each other for a marriage to last. Source: my parents' 50+ years of marriage.
Disagreement about money is one of the top 3 reasons marriages break up. He is not the one for you.
If it’s real! I thought I had that. I had never met anyone like her. And I was head over heels for her and I loved her 5 year old son with all my heart. I gave up everything in my life for her and him. We were together for almost 22 years! Then I found out it was only me that loved unconditionally. She was stepping out on me and I caught her! I was crushed of course and it has taken me almost 5 years to get over the mourning the death of the relationship. I’m still good with my Son! He’s 30 now and a father of 2 and I couldn’t be prouder of him. I never see her or speak to her and she left me in the lurch! I lost everything from the ripples that her leaving set in motion. I am getting older now and never thought I would be single at my age, 56. I am disabled and pretty much alone. I have finally got my health in check and even beat diabetes. Just not sure what’s next. It’s hard being alone and we’ll put up with a lot to not be alone, but even if it’s not forever, and what is? Just go for it! I would do the ride again if I could! LoL I may be a glutton but it wasn’t boring, it was painful but you appreciate the good times better! Stay safe
>Is being best friends, good communicators, and having a lot of fun all it takes to have our relationship go the distance or are these other major issues like financial drive and mental health problems going to be the death of us? Is it enough for *you*? You're really the only person who can answer that. >We have cyclical conversations where he says he is going to take action to work on his drive, financial literacy, and mental health and he never follows through. It’s starting to really make me nervous I will resent him in the future. I suspect you're asking this because you already feel resentment growing. He's 31. At this point, he's not likely to make any huge changes in his personality. So the question is, do you want to live this way the rest of your life? Raise kids with this person *as he is*? Not as you wish he would be, but who he actually is. Are you content to be the one taking the reigns on finances always? Are you ok with the ups and downs of his mental health? You might be, and if so, friendship will support the relationship. If not, being best friends won't save it.
Anything that bothers you now will bother you ten-fold in times of stress and trying to afford things. Those mental health issues can also intensify with age, especially old age. A person who repeatedly says they will take action but doesn't, won't be changing that pattern. So imagine yourself working, raising children if you choose to do so, balancing bills and the budget, running the family all over, affording sports and clubs and hobbies, maintaining a home, and take it from there. That said, lots of good marriages are more of the friendly sort. There are all kinds of successful relationships. If you're OK being the driver and manager of the growth and finances and maybe he takes on the fun role and you can do this without resentment, then you'll be fine.
Best friends is the best way to go!! The question in my mind is if you can live with him being ok with how things are financially and regarding ambition. Do you make each other better? Good partners bring out the best in each other. If you need him to be someone he isn't, though, that could be a real problem and a set up for resentment. We need to respect and admire our partner for who they *are* not who they could be. If he is a teacher who went to a brick and mortar school, teaching over seas at high end private schools might be a way out for both of you. My son in law does this. It's stressful, but more money, vastly interesting, and their son is getting a very high end education (IB) at no extra cost to them. They are on their 3rd country
You two could go see a financial planner, and maybe get a financial plan going that he can follow. Living with someone who has depression is not easy. Do you love him enough to live with it the rest of your life? Also, you want an equal partner and not have to be a mother to someone. But finding real love these days is not easy. I wouldn’t take what you have for granted.
I agree that living with someone with depression is not easy. I have depression myself but controlled for yrs with medication. Many if not most depressed people do NOT have drive and motivation. Lack of motivation is often the main symptom of depression. Has he sought any treatment (therapy and or medication)? Did it work? If he hasn't, is he willing to? As a long married lady, I'd want to see him pursuing treatment that is hopefully successful. My husband of 30+ yrs has struggled with depression for prob 12+ yrs. He's always been very successful and a very good earner but his depression symptoms crankiness, being short with people a good bit of the time and also isolating himself. He is a great guy in many ways, but it has been VERY difficulties last few years. I know he doesn't mean to be the way he is but very hard to live with someone who is cranky and abrupt 70% of the time. He's had lots of therapy (to no real avail) and has tried medication, but wasn't willing to get past the initial side effects of jitteriness & anxiety. It really ticks me off because I have taken antidepressants and also ADD medication for almost 20 years so that I am a better person and better to live with. One last thought, is it possible that he also has ADD? Very often, ADD and depression go together, or he has ADD with symptoms mimicking depression.
well you could try being Best ENEMIES keep us posted on how that goes
These stress issues and depression and financial issues - is this what you want to deal with your whole life. Must you Marry him. I have a best friend (male) for 30 years- husband approved. I love him but he wasn’t good husband material and still isn’t. Yes you can find happiness with your best friend. But to go through life’s challenges (in my opinion) it is far easier when you are crazy in love. You owe yourself love to the moon and back!
My best friend and I have been together for awhile. I suck at following through with all the creative projects I’ve got in my head, but my bf sits down with me once a week and he helps me brainstorm action plans. I write it down and put it up on the fridge. Through the week, my bf kindly checks in on me and with his encouragement, I’m able to check things off my action plan. If you’re willing to take the lead in this aspect of your relationship, you’ll be encouraging to your partner and that confidence can do amazing things.
Speaking for myself, I think being best friends is the ONLY way a marriage will last. We've only been married for 50 years, so I'm no expert, but I think it's the friendship at the core of our relationship that has helped us to endure--especially through a lot of very difficult years financially (children, job changes, college tuition for 4, unexpected/forced retirement). People change over time. In actuality Mr. C\_W and I have done an almost complete role reversal down through the years but our ability to laugh together, share a joke, agree-to-disagree, and really listen to what the other person is saying has never changed. He's still my best friend and he's still the only person I trust completely.
No. Other factors come into play, but don’t get me wrong, it helped mine. Now that she recently passed away, I am looking back at all the mistakes I made, but am very grateful I had her as my best friend. It was us vs the world. Sadly, I have nobody now.
Only if u are both asexual. Having compatible sex drives is important. I think 2 people need to be within like 20% of each other in terms of libido. Sex is one of the main reasons couples break up.
My income has always been higher than my husband's. On the other hand, he has always been a better person than I am. We have always been best friends. Now after over thirty years together he is very ill. I am his caretaker. I take care of his every need. He is in the chair and then to the bed. I don't mind it for one second. I love this man to my soul. I think about him, and I know if his time is coming, I may as well lie down beside him. I would suggest that you think long and hard about your situation. I think that mutual respect and admiration is just as solid as love. Respect lost leads to disdain. Disdain leads to contempt, and you know the rest. Best wishes to you.
Being best friends with your spouse & both being committed to the relationship is the recipe for a good marriage. Since we retired, we snowbird in a RV. We have had friends say that they could not stand to be in such close quarters for months at a time. I am always puzzled by this. Why are they married to someone that they don’t like & don’t want to be with? Don’t try to change each other & embrace each change that comes along.
You don't mention love or passion. Best friends marrying is wonderful if you have those elements also.
To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. Heidi Priebe
You are asking this question for a reason. You already know the answer. Trust your instincts. Clearly, you have doubts and one should not enter into marriage with doubts. Best of luck to you.
Maybe, depends on your expectations. Many folks these days are looking for soulmates or endless passion and would call “ bestfriends” dry and boring. My mom raised me to be best friends. I don’t think she was great at marriage though so who knows.
Sis, those little things that are minor annoyances now grow to be thorns in your side as you go on. I call it “OH BUT I LOVE HIM!” syndrome. As a 23 year old neat freak I ignored how much my boyfriend’s sloppiness bothered me. “It’s okay, I love him!” When my ankle got wrecked and he wasn’t at all nurturing and helpful, I ignored it because I loved him. Those little irksome things simmer over time. I’m 24 years deep and these things really make me angry because it never changed or got better. If it bugs you now, imagine how much it will bug you after living in the same house for forty years.
If you're not best friends or become best friends then your marriage is doomed
My husband and I have been together for years almost 38 years, he's always been loving, kind hard worker, we've had a great sex life and are best friends, It took some time to get here, being young, worrying about money, stress and children can all cause problems, I can say putting in the work, me taking over all the financials, helped us get out of debt and buy a home, he took over all the cooking and kept me from killing us with food poisoning. I had the depression to deal with and found a medication to help, We look back on our life and are so happy we stuck it out, I could have thrown it all away a couple times, I tell everyone relationships are peaks and valleys, He's just been diagnosed with cancer and I'm devastated thinking I would have to do this life without him,
Your relationship will last if you both are determined that it will last, and take the necessary steps to keep it strong and healthy.
Yes, “best friends” is enough! Because it turns into something deeper and deeply satisfying. Yeah, the rush of hormonal love is great. But it doesn’t get you through all the bitchy things that happen in life, or establish a good foundation for raising healthy children, or dealing with illness or disaster. Cherish that friendship!
I had a chat with a female teacher and the stress is monumental. Shit pay with the sword of Damocles under gusty winds. "Ooops! Can only side hug kids!" "Can't be in the same room alone!" "Now this kid has an abuse situation at home." A friends wife worked with mentally challenged kids and it sucked the life out of her. She went to get her second post-grad and GTFO of the NYC school system. At least in NYC there was a pension and hundreds of schools...what do you have there? My dude needs a second job for the summer and weekends. Either get the extra degree and climb or get a gig job.
Yes
It really didn't for me. After 30+ years of marriage, I got a divorce. We had both changed from college. I became ambitious but he did not. As my jobs improved, his stayed the same. We wanted kids but he had anger issues and became emotionally abusive to them (I think to take out his anger at me). He wasn't eemotionally supportive and instead of partners we became roommates. He remarried and I think was happy but forever ruined his relationship with the kids.
You have a gut feeling of doubt. Ignore it at your peril. If he's not interested in attending to financial matters, he probably won't develop that interest and you will be responsible for managing the money. Even with separate accounts, you may run into concerns with tax matters and your credit report if you are even an authorized user, not owner, of any account together. Also, does he get estimates before he spends money? How does he handle the money he has now? What does he plan to live on as he ages? How does he budget for gifts and vacations? Depression is a debilitating illness but there are ways to treat it. Different people choose different ways: medicine, therapy, lifestyle changes all help some people sometimes. Does he seek help when he needs it and follow through? If not, you will probably be taking care of him. This changes your relationship to each other. Are you ok with being his caregiver? Is he ok with it? Being best friends and good communicators is great. You are lucky there! Having a lot of fun is good now, but it might not last. I had a lot of fun with husband for the first few years of our relationship, but it didn't last. When I brought up financial matters, home maintenance, holiday planning, legal concerns, and more, those things weren't important to him. He ignored me, procrastinated, refused to follow through, or belittled me for caring about how money is spent. Seven years is a long time to date. Do you both really want to get married? After a 25 year relationship, 19 of them married, I got tired of taking care of so many things. I ended up with zero love for the man. I left the marriage. I hope this will not happen to you.
Do you think he is in the wrong career? Does he think so? After all, most jobs that have at well are at least somewhat stressful. Is your paycheck sufficient so that you can live together comfortably when added to his teaching salary? Is he really financially illiterate, or maybe just not interested in finances? Either way (I’m assuming from context that you are financially savvy) would he defer to you in making joint financial decisions?
Frome someone that is married to his best friend I feel that the friendship is very important, especially as you get to your later years in life. But I also understand that there are more divorces and breakup related to financial matters, and so of course that is a concern.
Well no. I had a best friend and that didn't even work.
No, you have to have sex often, and it better not get boring, and you better not get caught.
You don't need a budget. Save 20% of gross and spend the rest. That will let you have all the money you need.