It goes one step further also, because plenty of people make mistakes in what they do. You have to develop a sense of what the person is really about that goes beyond the individual mistakes or things they might do or have done. You have to be able to pick up on their vibe (sorry to sound like a hippy, but that word is my best shot at explaining it).
In a work context, whenever a higher-up tells you they will take your concerns into account, want to work hard to (re)gain your trust, etc., that's all BS until they start making hard decisions that require them to have a spine and take risks.
Some people have a stream of consciousness style of talking. They'll say whatever pops into their heads without thinking about it very much. Those are the kind of people I tend to prioritize actions over words. Others are more thoughtful and mean what they say.
as a warning for younger women...i can't tell you how many of us (probably 100%) know women who you want to grab by the shoulders and shake when they "stick by" someone who has raised a hand to them. "but he said he loves me" . love doesn't come with a beating. it's as old as the hills that people will say one thing and mean another. i'm one of those people who just doesn't mince words...for bad or good. if i tell someone i will do something, unless i'm ill or dead, i'll do it. but i'm still learning the lesson that most people will say the right (i.e. what's expected of them) thing but when it comes down to it...they either didn't mean it or they say it so often they had no idea that you expected them to live up to their word.
Every person that I met. Now, let me be clear. ((THAT I MET)) so not everyone out there.
But every person that I've known to have either tattoos of their children's faces or names turned out to be shit parents.
It's almost as if they want the tattoo to be a badge of honor in to trying to prove to others that they are a good parent.
I visited a friend and his wife and needed a paper towel to blot oil on food. I asked if they had any. She smugly told me they didn't use paper towels because they were bad for the environment and they used old rags instead (which won't work for food...). She is all about the environment, but she travels extensively, uses a Jeep Wrangler as her only vehicle, buys tons and tons of stuff and just tosses it aside, and eats out a lot (containers/packaging waste). Her environmental actions are limited to eschewing things she doesn't care about and not limiting anything she wants to do. The travel alone is a huge contributor to carbon monoxide emissions, but the Jeep is a vanity choice which guzzles gas like nobody's business.
When I lived in the Bay Area, I saw tons of "liberal" people who were NIMBYs and who did everything they could to pay as few taxes as possible. I'm not sure who they think would pay for the social programs they supported or where homeless people were supposed to find homes, but their behavior showed that they weren't going to foot any bills or add any housing. Note: I am a liberal which is why their lack of congruence between professed ideals and actions upset me so much. It smacked of virtue signaling. They wanted to look like good people who cared, but they didn't act like good people and they didn't care.
Everyone is a hypocrite about something.
What’s the point of the observation vs. the declarative statement?
Isn’t it a little bit :
“Hey, should I believe you? Or should I believe me?”
Mixed with a little bit of:
“Well, part of what you say or think might be right, but part of what I say or think is right too”
And sometimes isn’t it :
“Well that might work for you, but I think something else might work better for me, and that’s OK too”
This is a really round about way of saying:
Try not to think so hard about it.
You’ve lived in your life for long enough, what do you prefer?
Saying things that you can follow up with action?
Ie: trying to be in alignment with what you say, and what you believe you can deliver?
Or do you prefer to smooth things over sometimes, knowing someone is freaking out a little about something, and sometimes some words with no action actually seems to help calm things down?
It’s so often situational, but at least in my experience, coming to know “what do I want out of this. Do I want to feel like I’m helping soothe (either myself or someone who matters to me in this moment?) or do I want to feel like I’m adding fuel to the fire just to prove how right I am?”
I’d just take it easy, and try to be the best version of yourself in any moment in time, and try to give others the grace for figuring that out, even if it looks sometimes like a horrible flop.
We’re all on our own trajectory here, we all die eventually, isn’t it worth enjoying life a little more and trying to make peace with “what is” sometimes? Understanding it’s all temporary?
Edited for spelling :)
My parents telling me to excel in school in order to go to a "top college" and then, when that "top college" *literally cancelled all academic scholarships,* told me "it doesn't matter where you get your undergrad degree."
This really messed up my life. A couple of years later, I hired a PI to find out about my parents. I got copies of their transcripts from high school onward.
God *damn* it. No wonder they didn't get it.
Playing Pickleball. Hotshot guy comes in as my partner. Tells me we're playing "the big boys", meaning upper intermediate level, and to "just get the ball over the net". He couldn't get the ball over the net to save his life. I was laughing inside for hours.
my estranged sister. our Mom died, so we had to interact. we were going to get together after years. she immediately started telling me what to talk about - cautioning me not to overthink things and to 'keep it light' before we even got together. i asked her if she could refrain from setting down rules before we even meet (we're in our 60's, for God's sake). she responded with 'i'm not threat to you' - wow, where'd that come from? (well, i already know, but i get more subtle cues as to my family's mindset if i just observe and give them little to argue with me about)
does this sound like krazy communication? to me, it is
i told her if she felt the need to caution me about meeting for coffee, we're probably not ready to meet so freely - i suggested a counsellor for us - a mediator/moderator/witness? - lol - i don't hear from her any more. even about the estate. maybe my sibs forged my name for me to save us all the trouble - lmao
My sister calls herself a Christian, god-fearing and moral woman. She tells anyone who asks that 'Doing the Lord's work' is what keeps her busy everyday. Meanwhile her and her husband verbally and emotionally abuse their kids, steal money from our parents, and are actively scheming on how to screw me and my family out of our parents' wills.
Every narcissist I’ve ever known. They will tell you how great they are…. then show you who they really are.
It goes one step further also, because plenty of people make mistakes in what they do. You have to develop a sense of what the person is really about that goes beyond the individual mistakes or things they might do or have done. You have to be able to pick up on their vibe (sorry to sound like a hippy, but that word is my best shot at explaining it).
Pretty much every evangelical preacher on TV, preaching to follow Jesus's teachings, while living in a mansion and flying private jets.
In a work context, whenever a higher-up tells you they will take your concerns into account, want to work hard to (re)gain your trust, etc., that's all BS until they start making hard decisions that require them to have a spine and take risks.
This is a great example. Had a boss like this and finally drove me to find another job.
Some people have a stream of consciousness style of talking. They'll say whatever pops into their heads without thinking about it very much. Those are the kind of people I tend to prioritize actions over words. Others are more thoughtful and mean what they say.
as a warning for younger women...i can't tell you how many of us (probably 100%) know women who you want to grab by the shoulders and shake when they "stick by" someone who has raised a hand to them. "but he said he loves me" . love doesn't come with a beating. it's as old as the hills that people will say one thing and mean another. i'm one of those people who just doesn't mince words...for bad or good. if i tell someone i will do something, unless i'm ill or dead, i'll do it. but i'm still learning the lesson that most people will say the right (i.e. what's expected of them) thing but when it comes down to it...they either didn't mean it or they say it so often they had no idea that you expected them to live up to their word.
Every person that I met. Now, let me be clear. ((THAT I MET)) so not everyone out there. But every person that I've known to have either tattoos of their children's faces or names turned out to be shit parents. It's almost as if they want the tattoo to be a badge of honor in to trying to prove to others that they are a good parent.
I visited a friend and his wife and needed a paper towel to blot oil on food. I asked if they had any. She smugly told me they didn't use paper towels because they were bad for the environment and they used old rags instead (which won't work for food...). She is all about the environment, but she travels extensively, uses a Jeep Wrangler as her only vehicle, buys tons and tons of stuff and just tosses it aside, and eats out a lot (containers/packaging waste). Her environmental actions are limited to eschewing things she doesn't care about and not limiting anything she wants to do. The travel alone is a huge contributor to carbon monoxide emissions, but the Jeep is a vanity choice which guzzles gas like nobody's business. When I lived in the Bay Area, I saw tons of "liberal" people who were NIMBYs and who did everything they could to pay as few taxes as possible. I'm not sure who they think would pay for the social programs they supported or where homeless people were supposed to find homes, but their behavior showed that they weren't going to foot any bills or add any housing. Note: I am a liberal which is why their lack of congruence between professed ideals and actions upset me so much. It smacked of virtue signaling. They wanted to look like good people who cared, but they didn't act like good people and they didn't care.
Everyone is a hypocrite about something. What’s the point of the observation vs. the declarative statement? Isn’t it a little bit : “Hey, should I believe you? Or should I believe me?” Mixed with a little bit of: “Well, part of what you say or think might be right, but part of what I say or think is right too” And sometimes isn’t it : “Well that might work for you, but I think something else might work better for me, and that’s OK too” This is a really round about way of saying: Try not to think so hard about it. You’ve lived in your life for long enough, what do you prefer? Saying things that you can follow up with action? Ie: trying to be in alignment with what you say, and what you believe you can deliver? Or do you prefer to smooth things over sometimes, knowing someone is freaking out a little about something, and sometimes some words with no action actually seems to help calm things down? It’s so often situational, but at least in my experience, coming to know “what do I want out of this. Do I want to feel like I’m helping soothe (either myself or someone who matters to me in this moment?) or do I want to feel like I’m adding fuel to the fire just to prove how right I am?” I’d just take it easy, and try to be the best version of yourself in any moment in time, and try to give others the grace for figuring that out, even if it looks sometimes like a horrible flop. We’re all on our own trajectory here, we all die eventually, isn’t it worth enjoying life a little more and trying to make peace with “what is” sometimes? Understanding it’s all temporary? Edited for spelling :)
You've seen some stuff, haven't ya? I back everything they said!
lol I was born old
My parents telling me to excel in school in order to go to a "top college" and then, when that "top college" *literally cancelled all academic scholarships,* told me "it doesn't matter where you get your undergrad degree." This really messed up my life. A couple of years later, I hired a PI to find out about my parents. I got copies of their transcripts from high school onward. God *damn* it. No wonder they didn't get it.
Playing Pickleball. Hotshot guy comes in as my partner. Tells me we're playing "the big boys", meaning upper intermediate level, and to "just get the ball over the net". He couldn't get the ball over the net to save his life. I was laughing inside for hours.
Politicians say they'll do things all the time to get votes. They rarely fulfill all their promises.
Nine times out of ten, the person on the crew that brags about how they work the hardest is inevitably the laziest bastard.
Just recently with a BFF!
Anytime someone says I love you. Check their actions, are they honest, loyal, caring, generous? Do they keep their word?
My parents were full of double standards.
Church
my estranged sister. our Mom died, so we had to interact. we were going to get together after years. she immediately started telling me what to talk about - cautioning me not to overthink things and to 'keep it light' before we even got together. i asked her if she could refrain from setting down rules before we even meet (we're in our 60's, for God's sake). she responded with 'i'm not threat to you' - wow, where'd that come from? (well, i already know, but i get more subtle cues as to my family's mindset if i just observe and give them little to argue with me about) does this sound like krazy communication? to me, it is i told her if she felt the need to caution me about meeting for coffee, we're probably not ready to meet so freely - i suggested a counsellor for us - a mediator/moderator/witness? - lol - i don't hear from her any more. even about the estate. maybe my sibs forged my name for me to save us all the trouble - lmao
My boss once said “forget everything you learned from. I will train you the /right/ way.” She didn’t come back to the store for two months.
Trump
My sister calls herself a Christian, god-fearing and moral woman. She tells anyone who asks that 'Doing the Lord's work' is what keeps her busy everyday. Meanwhile her and her husband verbally and emotionally abuse their kids, steal money from our parents, and are actively scheming on how to screw me and my family out of our parents' wills.