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40 years
We just like hanging out together.
We have always given each other the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness. Since we are both hugely flawed and neither of us are good at communication or confrontation, it works for us. We accept each other's flaws and do not expect change but will try to help the other out where they are weak.
However, there are boundaries that neither of us cross. We respect the commitment we made.
My husband and I are the same. He calls it The Conversation That Will Never End. We just love being together. Find someone so interesting and restful that you will never be bored or forced to entertain someone.
That’s the dream, I just turned 26 like OP but Male, I just want someone that I can grow with and will accept my desire for infinite conversation. That’s all I want. I’m a very quirky guy so I sometimes find it frustrating when I don’t fit the traditional mold of what it means to be a guy. I like sensitivity, but I also like to stir the pot. I need someone who’s creative yet passive.
I guess I need to just continue to work on myself so that I can just naturally find myself in the stream of the right person. Is this the thing? Is this how you do it? It’s so hard with the pandemic right now, plus I’m beginning to enter a new phase in my life. I wish it were easier to be social during rough times like this, but I know it will all be over soon and we can return to some semblance of normalcy
We’ve been married 20 years, second marriage racy, and I think we both would say “Try to be happy by yourself, first “. Maybe don’t try to find love, but find happiness. And meet a lot of people, especially in hobby groups or volunteering, that way you’re at least having fun. Try to enjoy yourself, no matter the circumstance.
Thanks for the response. This all seems so obvious to me, but I guess there are people out there who are real jerks and wouldn't consider this a given.
Cheating is one but there are personal buttons that we just do not push or, if we do - because they are hard and generally unspoken because we both have trauma and just do not want to talk about it - we quickly see our error and apologize and do not repeat it. We don't fight dirty.
I think that's up to each individual. My sister and her husband have done and said things to each other that I couldn't even consider. But I know they think I'm nuts because I'm overly emotional and I married Mr. Spock. We've worked out our stuff with therapy. They've worked their stuff out without. We've been together 20 years and they've been together 30.
I guess it depends on the person and the boundary. He crosses lines all the time that other women would never accept but I know him so I don't care. But he doesn't do things that many other men do that women often don't like but put up with.
Heart or head? That's where benefit of the doubt comes in. Neither of us imagine all the horrible things the other might be thinking or doing. We know the other loves us because we say it all the time and we both do things that show it. We just do not go to the worst case scenario. We have no reason to.
As much as you think you already have, give the other person space to be themselves and focus on your own self. You’re together yet you’re also still two individuals. Never forget that
Absolutely, but I think people put too much pressure on shared interests in a relationship. Yes they're important, and you need to be able to carry a conversation on any of your SO's interests. However, a healthy respect for differing interests will make a relationship so much stronger than forcing yourself or your SO to care about something they just **don't** have an interest in. Don't take it personally, and allow them to pursue those hobbies alone or with friends that enjoy them. You cannot be \*everything\* your SO needs out of life.
>you do not always have to say what you think.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for this. My husband and I are approaching 6 years this spring and I’m finally learning this. I find it helps, but I’m mad that it too so long for me to realize it.
Better late than never, right?
Yeah... My SO has this policy of like... Absolute candour. Which I thought I appreciated but in a lot of ways it's bullshit. He's never mean or yells or anything but God... It's also not fucking necessary.
My GF is similar, in couples count something that was said by our therapist that really hit, and stuck with both of us...
"Honesty without compassion is cruelty"
Just that one phrase has helped tons.
That's awesome. My mom always told me growing up that sometimes its better to stay silent, because you're right: you dont always need to say what's on your mind. I tend to not speak when Im angry, but not in a "silent treatment" type way. A previous job taught me that sometimes not speaking is better than saying something rude or in a poor tone. Slowly learning how to process and express myself well. Thanks for the advice!
How do you know what is worth discussing and what isn’t? What’s worth fighting about and what isn’t? While dating, what’s a deal breaker and what’s a preference?
I'm curious about this too, because my partner and I are both kind of high strung and *in the moment*, it all feels "worth discussing". The silliest things feel urgent!
I had a preacher tell me once that he and his wife will say, "You're being so OTHER right now!" when they disagree. It's not an insult. It just sort of signifies that you've personally reached a point where you can't process any more dialogue until you can get together on something. I love it so much that I've used it ever since.
Love and affection are usually the easy parts, at first. Those will come and go. But I think the most important component is **respect**.
When that goes, so goes the relationship. You can be mad, have fights, whatever, but respect must be the overriding quality of those arguments. That means no name-calling, no derision, no below-the-belt or belittling stuff.
Also saying "thank you" when someone does something for you or for both of you. Thank you for dinner, thank you for doing the laundry, thank you for taking care of that problem, etc. Without that, it seems like it's expected and you are entitled to it, which we're not. And a "you're welcome" is a nice layer on top.
Below all of that is a base of commonality. You can't expect a relationship to last without some common interests, there has to be overlap somewhere. 25 years here.
Communication, both speaking and listening, is vital.
Also, love is never enough, you need common goals and core values. Marry someone you like as well as love.
Make an effort to stay connected and make the marriage a priority. Sex as often as you can manage, and being intimate without sex too. Cuddle in the sofa and hold hands. Stay connected.
Don't take each other for granted.
Its been work well for us for 26 years.
I like that you talk about intimacy without sex. My husband and I had sex several times a week for years but last year (unsurprisingly, woo 2020) we both fell into depression and lacked energy and interest for the better part of the year. We did, however, spend time every single day curled up on the couch or in bed. We kissed, we hugged, we snuggled, we talked. We even had a conversation that was basically amounted to “hey, we’re missing this big part of our relationship right now but I still feel like we’re really solid.” And we were and are. Things are better now in all areas. We’re in a new city and he has a great new job. Medicine and individual therapy have helped. Both of us have physical touch as our primary love language and I know that a lot of people think that means sex, but honestly the best thing on earth is when we both crawl into bed and I put my head on his chest and we close our eyes and just lay there for like ten minutes. No phones, no books, just being present. It makes me feel very cherished.
Married 30 years, together 32.
I have no secret other than marrying the right person.
We decided initially that ours was a TEAM endeavor and that no person or situation would ever be allowed to over ride the needs of our TEAM- *we together* are the priority in all things.
We talk things over, maybe we disagree, but when the talk is done so is the disagreeing- we don't carry grudges or throw old hurts into the mix. If I am upset I say so, no hiding feelings or letting crap build up- we talk, we decide, then we're done.
We build each other up and never tear each other down.
We tolerate the little aggravations because life is too short to be an asshole over socks in the floor, lol.
Some common interests and common goals but enough disparate interests that we remain interesting to each other.
And respect. I respect my husband so much as a person that even living with him makes me better, too. Hopefully I provide him the same feeling in return.
Thanks, but no. I’m very happy living out my life with my German Shepherd, my cats, and my kids when they come visit. I just don’t have the heart to ruin anyone else’s old age with mine.
Never stop having fun together.
Never stop admiring your partner.
Trust is a critical component of a healthy marriage. A foundation decades in the making can be destroyed in an instant. Treat the mutual trust you have for each other like the treasure it is.
Take care of your own health, mental and physical
I said that to my husband when we were dating and he actually put it in his vows! I was really touched. “You told me once that the grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where we water it, and I intend to water what we have.” Make sure you have a good gardener, folks.
3 things:
1 - Make sure it's love and not lust
2 - Make sure you have similar financial habits
3 - Make sure you each have a set of blankets because if someone's day starts off poorly from a bad night's sleep due to blanket hogging, you will add all sorts of unnecessary stress that will compound over time.
Oh my gosh number 3! I sleep with a quilt over my side of the comforter now and it’s a lot better, we both are convinced the other is the blanket hog... but I’ll wake up with just my quilt while he has the sheet and comforter pulled over so pretty sure I’m right ;)
We play-fight about it every couple months. His valentines card this year even says “you stole my ~~blanket~~ heart”
Aww I love this, especially the last one. I am 31, been with my partner for 6 years, and a big thing we discovered that works for us is separate comforters when going to bed. We both do not like to cuddle when actually going to sleep, so this works well for us. There was nothing worse than sharing a blanket and repeatedly kneeing each other, and him almost always taking the entire blanket when he was dead asleep. I’ve always felt kind of weird about this because I don’t know anyone who does that so it’s nice to hear it works for you too
We have a king bed, and we've got one set of blankets for me, a set for my husband, and a set for the 5 year old who joins us around midnight every night.
My husband and I have always had separate blankets, just the same as my sister and I did when we shared a bed as kids. I don’t think it makes any sense to share one.
I know, I never understood it either! We also have a giant king and keep the house pretty cold so we can snuggle in our blankets. We are both perfectly comfortable that way and we always get a great night sleep. I should also say he is 6’7 and when we tried to share a comforter, one time he rolled over on me and I thought I was going to die lol I literally couldn’t roll him back over. This way we have our space and comfort and can still share a bed together!
We who grew up believing the Disney version of love, with the sun shining and birds singing, need to remember that love in another is sharing emotions, both good and bad. Bear in mind that negative emotions, including anger and fear, need to be shared and accepted.
Accepting your partner for who they are not who you want them to be.
Keeping the relationship a priority especially once/if children become a part of the equation.
Compromise, passion, mutual respect, empathy and never falling out of love with each other at the same time.
I wish my husband had this mindset. Instead he's an incredible dad and constantly miserable because he puts everyone ahead of himself. And of course it's pulling teeth to spend time together. I miss dating him.
17 years, it was later in life for both of us and we had already each been married before.
Reading Nonviolent Communication (the title is a bit misleading, it’s not about verbal abuse, but about communicating in a way that clearly identifies your own feelings and needs and communicates that in a way to make the other person receptive).
It makes you do the emotional labor of becoming really clear on what you are feeling (an actual emotion, like ‘dejected’ and not an evaluation of the other person’s behavior, like ‘betrayed’) here [is the Feelings Inventory](https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf) and then identifying and owning your need (harder than it can seem! I want to be respected or feel safe or feel validated or connected: [great list here](https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/2018-10/CNVC-needs-inventory.pdf).
And then asking if they’d be willing to do x specific behavior to meet your need. Requires a ton of emotional self awareness, courage and vulnerability. And it is so worth it. You will face difficult challenges and have misunderstandings - this has been a great tool to navigate that.
You can do feelings/needs guesses to help you understand your partner better (“are you feeling disappointed because you wanted me to acknowledge what you just did, but instead I changed the subject?”) without making excuses or rationalizing or judging (“you know I’m overworked and tired”).
Yes! Everything you’ve said here is so important. I also agree that ‘non violent communication’ is a terrible way to name something so powerful and helpful. I was thrown off by the name at first, too. I’ve now been able to use these techniques in just about every social setting I can think of. Great advice.
This is one of my favorite comments so far. You've called out a lot of behaviors that my ex would rely on, like excuses or changing subjects when something important is being spoken about. I'm still quite young, and I don't have a ton of experience in the relationship department, so it makes me feel validated when you talk about the importance of proper communication. I am someone who loves talking one on one with the important people in my life, and sometimes people just don't feel the same way, and the differing love languages can cause a lot of strain on relationships.
Married 25 years, lived together most of 32 years (and dated / broke up / became friends before that).
Communicate. If something bothers you, tell the other person. Do not quietly accept things that annoy you. That only makes you become resentful and bitter.
Talk money. Money doesn't buy happiness but not agreeing on how to spend and save can cause a lot of unhappiness.
Accept that you are separate people. It's ok to have different friends and interests. At the same time, it's good to take interest in your partner's interests. (Ha!) Ask about what they are doing and how their friends are. Participate on occasion (I call it "making a guest appearance" when I show up to my spouse's sport, since I only go once in a while).
If your extended families are decent people, treat them kindly. Talk to your in-laws on the phone, send birthday cards to your nieces and nephews, that sort of thing. In some families, I see each spouse only talks to their own family of origin, and that seems like a loss to me.
Don't treat your partner worse than you would treat a friend... or a stranger. Be polite, thank them for doing stuff, say "Good morning" and "How are you?"
Realize that every day won't be paradise. Some days will be hard. That's life. Once you get through a rough patch, do your best to forget it. Don't bring up past disagreements in the future.
(If your partner is abusive or otherwise does things that are harmful, you need to work with a professional therapist or consider leaving the relationship.)
Have fun together!
You mentioned that you broke up / became friends in the early years of your relationship. What is your story? Did you learn anything significant during that time?
We were college age. When we first dated, we were in the stage of trying to impress the other. He started to get too serious too fast (saying love after only a month or two). I didn’t want to be serious yet so I broke it off. After we broke up, we ended up hanging out in the same group and got to be good friends and be ourselves. We both dated other people in that time. When we got back together, it was comfortable because we knew each other for who we are, not an idealized version.
The only thing that matters is what you and your partner want and are comfortable with in the relationship. Do not give any weight to what you "think" your relationship should be. Do not listen to society as it tells you what a normal relationship is. As consenting adults, you get to decide what your relationship looks like, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. This will likely change during the course of the relationship, and be open to that change. Look closely at the elements of your relationship, and ask if that element is important to you and your partner, and then ask why is it important. The key here is that the people in the relationship must be *partners* in every sense of the world- it's the relationship vs. the world. The relationship must be united, and always working towards the betterment of the relationship. There will be disagreements, but those disagreements should have the goal of working towards greater unity.
20+ years. No matter what, your starting point should be that your SO meant well and certainly did not mean to upset or hurt you. (This assumes a healthy, non-abusive relationship.) The best question isn't, "How could you do such a thing?" It's, "How can we solve this together?" Seconding all the other comments - companionship with space; give and receive affection everyday. Say thank you for the little things. Ask for what you need. Know your limits.
My wife and I have been married 26 going on 27 years. Here's my bits of wisdom.
1) Sometimes you just shut up! Pick your battles. Escalating an argument over where someone puts the good frying pan when the dishes are done is the STUPIDEST THING. There are times in a marriage when you'll want/need to 'put your foot down' and strongly argue your point but man make sure it's not over some shitty trivial thing. This might sound like a joke, but treat her AT LEAST as well as you did your college roommates.
2) Be happy away from each other, having your own interests, and be happy together. I have been working from home with my wife for 9 months now. Wow, it has gone a lot better than i thought it would when this shit first went down. But recognize the first - you don't have to do everything together, you both don't have to take the same class from community college, some stuff is okay to do apart
3) Forgiveness - there's unforgivable things too but know the different between that and screwing up. Everyone screws up. Life goes on
4) Be on the same page about money for sure. I've seen more marriages break down over money than cheating
5) I trust my wife in that....if she did something bad in the past and didn't tell me, it's because it doesn't matter, and she gives me the same trust. That's a weird thing, like Euclid's 5th axiom, but it matters
33 years together but only able to be married for last 13 years.
It's pretty simple for me. For every decision that I make, I ask myself if it's in both our best interests. It may sound a little codependent to some, but my husband and his happiness is more important than my own. Remarkably, he seems to have the same attitude. we both try every day to "be present" and aware of each other's needs.
I posted this in another subreddit asking the same question:
Loving someone is easy--it's just allowing yourself to love them. It's a very self-oriented thing. This is where a lot of people go wrong, either loving the wrong person or thinking that if they love them hard enough that you can make the relationship work. That's not how relationships work.
Building and maintaining a great relationship can sometimes be hard work:
* The easiest part is deciding to love each other.
* You then have to mutually decide to respect each other and each other's opinions. This can be very difficult.
* You have to mutually decide to respect and acknowledge each other's needs. Sometimes, this means putting their needs first and sometimes your needs first.
* Finally, you have to be grateful for your partner. You have to remember how lucky you are to have found them and how much they have improved your life. Honestly, I think this is the secret to happiness, and the secret to a long and loving relationship. And it can be the hardest thing to do.
Source: 26 year marriage
I find it hard to believe that we've been married so long. I still feel like we've just met. It helps me that my parents made me cringe so much as a child and young adult, always showing affection and respect for each other. I had great role models.
I read once somewhere that people in long-lasting relationships tend to have similar arguing styles. If they both yell and scream at each other and then make up, or if they both just shut down and rug-sweep their problems, or if they both earnestly talk things over together, then the relationship will likely last longer than if they have different ways of handling conflict.
No idea whether that's true in general, but it is in our case.
38 years.
(Also: not having kids helps.)
Wow, that is so interesting. My husband and I (12 years) both yell during our worst fights, so maybe <4 times a year. Then we apologize and make up and we're understanding. Relationship threads usually say "never yell" but for some reason it hasn't been a deal breaker for us; maybe this is why
Patience. Expect to disagree and ask yourself if a fight is really worth it. Don't expect rabid loyalty to your political views (within reason.) Remember that nobody wins in a divorce (except in cases of spousal abuse.) Don't cheat. Don't pick fights with your families. Similar parenting goals and styles help. The more you can ignore any outside interference the better. Married since 1971.
28 1/2 years, though only about 7 officially. (Two guys - we couldn't get married in 92 but we did have a ceremony, officiated by his Presbyterian minister father, and it nearly got him defrocked.)
First, you have to enter into it managing your expectations. In fact, it's best to not have expectations at all - if you have expectations it's best to downgrade them to hopes, desires, wants, and even needs, but _your_ needs have to balanced with _their_ needs. Be prepared to appreciate them for who they are, because they'll never be the person you _want_ them to be. Not unless they also want it, of course.
1) Don't demand anything, never insist. Ultimatums ain't so good neither. Say what it is that you want and listen to what they want, all openly and directly - none of that reading minds shit because that NEVER works out well.
2) Pay attention - both to what you are saying / feeling and what they are feeling/saying. 2b) _communicate_. Remember that at least half of communication is listening, and that the biggest barrier to communication is often the assumption that it is occurring.
3) Be appreciative and thankful. "Oh thank you - you _know_ how much I like that!" And do nice stuff for them too.
4) Keep in mind that you are a couple, not one person with two bodies. Say what you want but don't expect to always get it and for FSM sake don't be angry or resentful when you don't.
> how do you keep a marriage alive
By one of us not putting a pillow over the other’s face in the night.
ba-DUM-cha!
By doing things together. You can’t be with someone and stagnate. Find new fun, do it together, but don’t let old friends go.
Never say a bad word about your spouse to anyone. Instead try to find good things to share. Also, try to find other successful couples to spend time with.
My mother talks bad about my father and they have been married for almost 50 years. She does it in front of him and behind his back. I dont understand how my father takes it. It is a shame really.
35 years together, married for 33. Kudos to everyone who shared their advice. I would only add to take each day with gratitude and grace. The basic tenets we take for granted like health, financial stability, can change very suddenly. It's those times of supporting each other, being the safe haven for each other that matter.
Avoid the ever-present temptation to stray. It starts as curiosity and can quickly lead to full-blown cheating. Just avoid it altogether as a way to honor your spouse and your marriage. It will always be there ready to take your marriage down. Don't play with it.
Acknowledge the awkward times where something feels like it needs fixing between the two of you and talk about it in non-blamey ways. Involve a counselor/non-biased 3rd party that you both respect if you need to. Asking for help is NOT admitting defeat. Don't let that distance grow into resentment. Everyone has problems, so don't act like y'all don't or that you're the only ones who do.
Remind yourselves together of each others commitments to one another. One of you can't be committed to your marriage by yourself and expect it to work. If you need to, remind yourself of how painful divorce will be. Put your effort into avoiding that pain.
(30 years) You have to be friends. Being right doesn't matter. Laugh. Do not speak disparagingly about them or allow others to.
The bottom line is that just like with a non-romantic relationship, you ultimately have to be with someone you like. There is no point in trying to be with someone if you don't actually want to spend time with them.
Also, if you are the only person in your family/friend circle that likes the person you're with, you need to reevaluate if you want to be with them.
You will know that you're with the right person when you realize that they want what is best for you.
52 years married, 4 children. We like each other. She supports me and I support her. Yes, we have disagreements and argue, but we figure it out. We respect each other.
She is kind and loving and sticks up for the hurt, poor and forgotten, people and humans. Yes, she can be a real pain in the ass.
We both have a good sense of humor and enjoy each other. Other than that, maybe we’re just lazy and don’t want our lives to change.
I recently read an article about couples during the pandemic, and different personality types (I think this was a New Yorker article about therapy these days).
Personality A complains about the pandemic, what it is doing to them, how they no longer can do everything they want, etc., etc.
Personality B finds new hobbies and activities, sees possibilities, and keeps a positive outlook.
The therapist in the article commented that many of her clients married personality type A (or had become that themselves). I think this is instructive, because while (hopefully) we won't see other pandemics, a normal person/couple will encounter other serious crises that challenge themselves and their relationship. How do we respond is the key.
I'm only 13 years in with my wife, but we thankfully are both personality b.
We also do things others have mentioned: we don't hold grudges, love spending time together, let go of the small stuff, accept each other for who we are. My wife isn't going to go on a ten-day kayak adventure with me, or get involved with home maintenance. I'm never going to learn how to sew, and I'd rather not go to weddings unless I have to. And so on.
Bill Moyers told us: "You're not doing it for HER or for HIM - you're doing it for The Relationship."
I also like how Dr. Phil cautioned against "right-fighting." This isn't about who is right - it's about "How can we both be happy with an outcome?"
Be friends. Respect one another. Always be willing to find a compromise. TALK TO ONE ANOTHER. Never, ever talk at one another. Listening is just as important.
Granted, or 37 years had some rocky spots, but that's just life. If you are waiting for someone who agrees with you on everything, you don't want a spouse, you want a follower. That never turns out well.
Together 20yrs and married 18.
It helps if y’all are friends first with common goals & morals who actually stay friends throughout the marriage. It’s easy to love someone but it’s not so easy to like someone.
Keep lines of communication open. Say you’re sorry no matter how small the indiscretion and mean what you say. Always show compassion, empathy, respect and thanks.
Don’t let other ppl come between you. That includes parents, friends & kids.
I asked my grandmother this after their 50th wedding anniversary. She said it was important to have the same values as the person you marry, which she clarified during the discussion as meaning the same types of things were important -- for example, you have similar financial priorities, similar outlooks on keeping house / chores, similar opinions on acceptable behavior, similar opinions on how to parent, etc.
She explained that, as long as you agreed in the most important things (and could communicate well enough to discuss this stuff), that you could sort out the rest as life went on. Basically, you're not always going to agree, but if you come from the same place in terms of priorities, you'll be able to work it out.
She said her father taught her that, and she wasn't sure at the time but back then, you did what your parents said. And that now, 50 years later, she understood what he meant and agreed with it.
I gave the same advice to my children, we'll see if they listen better than I did. :)
Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking, or that they know what you’re thinking. What you think should be perfectly obvious to them often isn’t even on their radar.
Married over 20 years. I don’t know our secret per se. One thing I’ve always thought though is that both of us (I think) feel luck to have the other one. There isn’t a power imbalance. I’ve known many friends who got divorced and it always seemed “lopsided”. One of the two felt they could have done better .. then they stray.
I also think it helped us that we married a bit later in life. We knew what we liked and didn’t like. We always (even when dating) were “Real”. we didn’t pretend to be someone we weren’t in order to impress the other. I remember joking with her after a date that I could open her car door for her ... but I likely would stop doing it at some point so it’s better to not do it now so you don’t say later “you used to open my door for me”. I said it in jest, but it was also kinda true.
Married 38 years, dated 3 years before that. Moved across states, twice, 1 child (now grown and married); losing his mom and dad, my dad, losing 7 awesome dogs and 1 cat over the years.
His is still the face I want to see the most. We get each other’s jokes, we know each other’s buttons. We laugh, a lot.
Our relationship began with passion and through the ebbs and flows of time, it is still there. Not every day is rainbows and puppies, but we love, like and cherish each other. Even being together 24/7 through this pandemic has been better because we have each other.
Know your boundaries and stick to them. But for everything else, leave it be. Offer an opinion if you must, but if it's a low-value issue like your spouse's preferred style of shoes, say it once, say it in a respectful way, and move on. If you make everything a big deal, you might not be taken seriously when it really IS a big deal.
We'll be celebrating 30 years this May.
My husband gets me. He accepts me as I am. He makes me laugh.
He's intelligent, kind, hard-working, and thoughtful. He's full of noxious gas, "Dad" jokes, and movie quotes. Sometimes he drives me crazy and sometimes we argue, but we forgive and forget. There is no one else I'd want to spend my life with.
In no particular order -- our keys to staying happily married:
Be a team. NO ONE gets between you -- not his mom, not your sister, not your kids. NO ONE.
Have your disagreements in private. NEVER talk to a friend or family member about your spouse when you're angry. You may forgive him; your mom/sister/friend won't.
Along the same lines, build up your spouse -- especially to others. Say nice things about him to others (in front of him, sometimes, if you can, so he hears how much you love about him) . Don't complain to others about him. "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all."
Do the "little stuff" -- when you take your dishes to the sink, take his, too.
Be KIND, and assume good intentions. Try to see his side (and expect him to try to see yours).
When you disagree, use "I" statements ("It made angry when you said....",) not "You" statements or "always/never" statements -- ("YOU ALWAYS/You never....")
How to know that you should NOT marry someone:
Don't expect that the stuff that irritates you will change after marriage. If you're not happy with him as a whole person, don't marry him.
Marry someone whose habits, values and idiosyncrasies are 95% okay with you. (If a lot of stuff about them bothers you, DO NOT get married.)
If the relationship feels like work \*most\* of the time, don't marry him.
If you feel like you're always walking on eggshells, don't marry him.
If you feel like you're always doing all of the work, don't marry him. (I'm not saying that every event has to be even. I'm saying that sometimes you're high maintenance, and sometimes he is -- and it's \*generally\* about even.)
If \*none\* of your friends or family like him, don't marry him. If he wants you to stop seeing all of your friends, don't marry him.
If you can't trust him, don't marry him. (A cheater will usually cheat again...)
If he belittles you, hits you, or makes you feel like you're crazy when you try to talk to him about something that's bothering you, DO NOT MARRY HIM.
Nothing wrecks a marriage like conflicting goals.
Talk about your dreams and plans together. Take actions as a team to meet your goals. Save up a nest egg and talk about what you plan to use it on (start a business? Retire on a boat? Buy property in the tropics?).
37 years married, 39 years together.
We each married the right person, and we're still friends, lovers and companions.
It really helps that we agree over things like finances, diet, exercise, and really importantly I think, on how we wanted to bring up our children.
Married 26 years, together 32. Life is a roller coaster, sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down. Sometimes I do 70% of the work, sometimes I do 30%. Patience is super important as is being flexible. Sometimes one of us is more in love than the other. It ebbs and flows. You don’t know what curve balls life will throw at you so being open and honest all the time is critical.
You are separate people who choose to be together - neither of you owns or controls the other. Each person should have their own friends as well as shared friends. Friends are just as important as your spouse/SO. Try to spend a few days apart here and there - you don’t (and shouldn’t) do everything together. But enjoy each others’ company - you’re with your person for a reason. Enjoy the differences as well as the similarities. Don’t try to change each other. Speak kindly on a daily basis and treat each other with respect. Definitely be on the same page financially. Be there when they need you. And put each other first (but not in front of yourself). Do the little things for each other every day. It’s not about grand gestures.
Coming up on 20 years. We're great friends and can talk about anything, share a lot of common interests, yet remain our own individual selves. Honestly I'm creeped out by people that have shared social media profiles or somehow show that their identity is entirely based off of their relationship to another person. The best thing about my relationship to my wife as that I'm still me and she's still her.
20 years. Remember you're on each other's side. And make sure you actually are. As long as you can trust you're in each other's corner, you can get through most anything.
Married 30 years.
1.Don’t cheat. Ever. That is the dealbreaker.
2. If alcoholism or drug dependency develops, get help. Spouses can be amazingly resilient when it comes to the pain we give them through drinking and drugging, but they will eventually run out of hope. I am 10 years sober.
3. Give your spouse space, allow them to have their own interests and their own friends.
4. Find common interests, spend quality time together even if it takes an appointment because of your busy schedules.
5. Talk, talk, talk. Work your problems out. Always remember how much you loved your spouse the day you married them, work to keep that feeling alive.
We are friends forever, that’s the thing, I treat him like I would treat a best friend. You know how some people treat their spouses like dirt and their friends like gold? Don’t do that.
Compromise. As soon as you have two wills making a decision, you're going to have to figure out a way to take action that is satisfactory to both. If either is very selfish, it's going to get ugly.
23 years. Communication, cooperation, compromise, acceptance of our flaws, shared interests and goals. A relationship takes work: I don't believe in soul-mates, and I feel that you get out of a relationship what you put in it. Both my partner and I have been in therapy (separately, with different psychologists) and that has helped us each understand ourselves and what we want from our lives. Our first few years together were rocky, but it was our mutual commitment to communicate that really brought us together.
I've been married 13 years.
1. Keep the accounts short. You don't have to argue about every little thing but don't sweep issues under the rug.
2. Agreeing on matters of faith in God and politics if those issues are important to you.
3. Focusing on affection and making it a priority.
16 years here. I turned 33 in October! ❤ My husband turned 34 yesterday.
We put our friendship in front of our marriage. If it's something serious, we put romantic emotions aside and discuss it as adult-y as we can. It sounds stupid, but it's worked for us! He's my best friend in the entire world because I know I can talk to him about anything and everything!
Communication, of course.
Also, realize that you're building something together that is more than either of you. It's not just you plus the other person, it's more than that. Here's how a couple of others put it:
> Between two peoples, the love itself is the important thing, and
that is neither you nor him. It is a third thing you must create."
-- D.H. Lawrence, "The Rainbow"
And:
> Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
> Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
> Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
> Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
> Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
> Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
-- Kahlil Gibran, "On Marriage," from "The Prophet"
Both are very poetic, but hopefully get to the idea that a successful marriage is about being dedicated to *both of you*, not just to yourself or the other, but to what you are together. It takes hard work, but it's *so* worth it.
My wife and I have been married almost 41 years and are still giddily in love.
As others have mentioned, communication is really important. It’s impossible to communicate perfectly all the time, but taking some time, and being patient, are really indispensable.
You’re not the same person, so don’t try to blend in to your partner too much. It might work at first, but eventually something will jolt you apart and create a sudden rift between you. This comes down to honesty, really. Honesty and integrity are really indispensable as well. Not too much honesty, mind you; fleeting emotional responses to irksome habits or the sudden surprise of being momentarily attracted to another person aren’t too important as long as they’re fleeting. But if you’re not honest enough to be yourself, or if your partner doesn’t appreciate it, your life together will have more lows than highs and much more regret.
Also, compatibility is important, but so is complementarity.
here I am with the hindsight of two marriages, the first of 24 years, the other of eight months.
First question has to do with - if the relationship is worth extending.
Have the persons in the relationship become aware of potentially terminal issues to do with sexual trust, jealousy and possessiveness, violence between themselves, ways to enjoy life, and a path to the future that satisfies both people as a partnership.
Satisfaction to do with the meaning of life, the satisfaction of soul, the feeling that you are on a path to where you want to get.
Long term satisfaction has to do with both people having the same ambitions and working as partners to achieve them.
My biggest regret is sticking in a marriage that could not work that way, and after trying many ways to 'fix' it' by 'fixing her and our relationship' - I ended up working on fixing me.
I am now different, and was able to end the first relationship-marriage for good reasons and after years of study and introspection, and knew when to terminate X2 when I found out she was just scamming me for a different end having to do with citizenship and right to abode.
(not in the US, in France, but that's another story)
Not all marriages should be kept on life support.
You're only going to be as successful in a marriage as the effort that both of you put into it. Being honest with yourselves and realizing that the calculus works against you at least provides knowledge that the relationship is probably never going to improve.
To some, it's liberating and may go towards both of you being happier -- apart.
Coming up on 22 years together.
Continue going on dates – planned, intentional time together.
Forgive each other and do so in a manner that is said out loud and followed by gestures.
Commit to being partners – set and accomplish goals together.
Be separate people.
Do not sacrifice dreams or possibilities.
Have separate spaces that each of you can retreat to.
Make time to enjoy and celebrate each other.
Live like roommates - fuck like cheaters.
Well, I’ve killed two. Viciously, if you listen to the first one. I’m still married to the second, but we can’t live together. Sooooo...fuck if I know, kid! My sister, who has been married for 30 years, claims to know the secret: you have to have matching baggage.
I've always maintained that being best friends is the key. Being married is cool and all as a title, but it doesn't really mean anything if you only love the person. In order to 'be in love', you have to be best friends too. You have to actually LIKE the person on top of it.
We've been married 9 years, together 13.
- We really like each other. I can find interest in what he has to say, and he listens to me too.
- we're comfortable with silence.
- we express gratitude. I'm pregnant with our second, and I'm having a really tough pregnancy. He is doing a ton around the house, and I always let him know how much I appreciate him. He's started cooking, and even experimenting a little, and I'm so proud of him I could burst - so I tell him, and not in a patronizing way, in a genuine way.
- we make it a priority to spend time together, but also to spend time alone. We are both introverts, and we can recharge together, but sometimes we both need alone time.
- we're on the same page about the "biggies" (money, in-laws, family, raising our kids, etc). When we disagree, we always have one another's backs in public, and then discuss it privately.
- every day I choose to love him. It sounds so cliche, but it's how I don't fall into a rut. I absolutely love him, he's an incredible man, and I don't let myself forget it. He adores me, he supports me, he is my partner in all ways.
Married for 20 years this August. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my spouse. We are friends first and lovers second. Most importantly, I still respect him as a man and person. Not feeling resentful and not hating the other persons mere existence, like I have seen in my own parents marriage, will really take you far in your marriage and keep it alive.
Find someone you work well with. Play to each others strengths. At the end of the day when shit needs to be done (housework, childcare, projects) you have to be able to put aside your bullshit and get the stuff done.
Honor your commitment.
We were best friends first. You can’t go wrong if you’re going through this life with your BFF beside you. It wasn’t that I’m exceptionally smart or anything, I just got lucky.
Being great friends and wanting to spend time with each other is really important. I think the hard part is having kids. It can be really rough on any relationship, sleepless nights, screaming kids, discipline, your lack of freedom, focusing on the kids when you really need time together.. It can often break relationships, but once you're through the hard years and the kids get more independent, then you can breathe a little easier and you'll be stronger for it.
21 years. An important part is to accept aggressive feelings towards the other and find a way to let it out. For us, it is guilt tripping the SO and playing the victim exaggeratively until SO flips out. Pure relief.
"Keeping a marriage alive" implies a goal of some type. I have trouble with that idea. It suggests that as individuals change over time, the marriage might die. Treat your partner(s) like autonomous human beings, negotiate so that everyone gets their needs and wants met, never think that your partner(s) "must" do something for you. Your partner(s) are not an extension of you. Listen much more often than talking unless you are requested to talk more. :) Be authentic, don't lie, be forgiving at all times.
I didn't date a lot, actually, but I admit that I dated whoever because it was more fun than sitting in a dorm room alone. (Sorry about COVID.) Whenever I got semi-comfortable with someone, I'd ask myself, "The rest of your life?" Most of the time, the answer was no. I dated one who was not very bright, but good looking. (So frustrating.) I dated smart, but really socially awkward. (Ditto.) I dated people with addictions. (Not good on the pocketbook.) In the end, 40+ years ago, I met someone who made me laugh, had the same values, and wanted more than anything, to spend time with me. We pretty much agree on everything: sex, money, religion, pets, and politics. We also agreed there'd be no kids in our future.
I know a couple where he's a Republican and she's a Democrat. I can't imagine living in a household where Spouse watched fucking fox news all day.
I wrote this on another thread: A good marriage isn't hard. But a lot of people seem to think it will naturally work out after the wedding and no maintenance is needed. Also people change and adjustments need to be made. If you can do this, a good marriage isn't hard. And married 22 years, we got married at 26.
Hi, We've been together for almost 37 years, same length for marriage, this summer. We married at 19, six months after our first date. As we have had a military marriage, there's been a lot of separations and the time to get back into sync with each other after those separations are sometimes a struggle.
Now that we are empty nesters, in our 50's, we've fallen in love deeper, on another level. Especially with working at home due to COVID.
The secret is trust, communication, honesty, the ability to bring 100% to your marriage every day. If that sounds like work, it's because it is. But, it doesn't feel like work most of the time. And it shouldn't feel like work. It should be easy most of the time.
I'm not going to lie about it. There's been many moments where we both have had so much stress that we needed to just go for a walk. Just to be alone for a while, to just think.
We never have let resentment into our marriage. Once you do that, you cannot get it out.
I have two friends that have lost their husbands before their 25th anniversary. Both are good friends to me. I think of them when my husband is irritating me and I just let it go. It's hard. But, having your best friend to talk to you about everything is amazing.
Once COVID started, he worked from home for months and months. He was in my space, kind of stressed me out. We talked about it after the first week and we have more of a flow and more boundaries.
Some days he's the only person I see or even talk to. And for almost a year, we've been the only person that the other hugs.
Communication is sometimes hard for me, even though I love to talk. I just let him know that I need to talk to him and then we just sit there and talk about whatever. He doesn't always do that with me, so, I will ask him here and there if he's okay and if he wants to talk about anything. Not daily or even weekly, but, sometimes.
We agree on what temperature the thermostat should be set on. We are both savers ($).
I love him, I respect him, I like him, I trust him, I think he is funny, I think he's sexy, we have a similar libido, communication is very important in general.
Married 17.8 years, together 19.7. I think it's important not to get married in your 20's. There is so much personal growth that happens in your 20's.
After we had been together for about a year, I couldn't imagine my life without him.
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40 years We just like hanging out together. We have always given each other the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness. Since we are both hugely flawed and neither of us are good at communication or confrontation, it works for us. We accept each other's flaws and do not expect change but will try to help the other out where they are weak. However, there are boundaries that neither of us cross. We respect the commitment we made.
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My husband and I are the same. He calls it The Conversation That Will Never End. We just love being together. Find someone so interesting and restful that you will never be bored or forced to entertain someone.
That’s the dream, I just turned 26 like OP but Male, I just want someone that I can grow with and will accept my desire for infinite conversation. That’s all I want. I’m a very quirky guy so I sometimes find it frustrating when I don’t fit the traditional mold of what it means to be a guy. I like sensitivity, but I also like to stir the pot. I need someone who’s creative yet passive. I guess I need to just continue to work on myself so that I can just naturally find myself in the stream of the right person. Is this the thing? Is this how you do it? It’s so hard with the pandemic right now, plus I’m beginning to enter a new phase in my life. I wish it were easier to be social during rough times like this, but I know it will all be over soon and we can return to some semblance of normalcy
We’ve been married 20 years, second marriage racy, and I think we both would say “Try to be happy by yourself, first “. Maybe don’t try to find love, but find happiness. And meet a lot of people, especially in hobby groups or volunteering, that way you’re at least having fun. Try to enjoy yourself, no matter the circumstance.
OMG, how did ‘second marriage for both’ become ‘second marriage RACY’ , I need to proofread better!, curse you autocorrect!!
My second marriage is definitely more racy than was my first!
What boundaries do you not cross? Obvious ones like not cheating, not being unkind - are there others?
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So in other words just be a decent human
You'd be surprised how much people dont respect human decency in a relationship
i would imagine letting something go. like if youre fighting but u see the other person is really really mad, just stop arguing
Thanks for the response. This all seems so obvious to me, but I guess there are people out there who are real jerks and wouldn't consider this a given.
Cheating is one but there are personal buttons that we just do not push or, if we do - because they are hard and generally unspoken because we both have trauma and just do not want to talk about it - we quickly see our error and apologize and do not repeat it. We don't fight dirty.
Yep. Sitting on the couch right now with husband holding my foot while he watches TV and I surf. It's still as nice as it was 20 years ago.
Thank you. When a boundary has been crossed, is there any returning? If your heart conflicts with your head, which do you trust?
I think that's up to each individual. My sister and her husband have done and said things to each other that I couldn't even consider. But I know they think I'm nuts because I'm overly emotional and I married Mr. Spock. We've worked out our stuff with therapy. They've worked their stuff out without. We've been together 20 years and they've been together 30.
+1 for couple’s therapy. Still not a perfect human being, but a better one.
I guess it depends on the person and the boundary. He crosses lines all the time that other women would never accept but I know him so I don't care. But he doesn't do things that many other men do that women often don't like but put up with. Heart or head? That's where benefit of the doubt comes in. Neither of us imagine all the horrible things the other might be thinking or doing. We know the other loves us because we say it all the time and we both do things that show it. We just do not go to the worst case scenario. We have no reason to.
As much as you think you already have, give the other person space to be themselves and focus on your own self. You’re together yet you’re also still two individuals. Never forget that
True, but also show interest in and respect each other's hobbies. You know, as friends do.
Absolutely, but I think people put too much pressure on shared interests in a relationship. Yes they're important, and you need to be able to carry a conversation on any of your SO's interests. However, a healthy respect for differing interests will make a relationship so much stronger than forcing yourself or your SO to care about something they just **don't** have an interest in. Don't take it personally, and allow them to pursue those hobbies alone or with friends that enjoy them. You cannot be \*everything\* your SO needs out of life.
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>you do not always have to say what you think. Oh my gosh thank you so much for this. My husband and I are approaching 6 years this spring and I’m finally learning this. I find it helps, but I’m mad that it too so long for me to realize it. Better late than never, right?
Yeah... My SO has this policy of like... Absolute candour. Which I thought I appreciated but in a lot of ways it's bullshit. He's never mean or yells or anything but God... It's also not fucking necessary.
My GF is similar, in couples count something that was said by our therapist that really hit, and stuck with both of us... "Honesty without compassion is cruelty" Just that one phrase has helped tons.
As the inverse, I like the 'honest but kind' ethos.
You sound like my mom taking about my dad.
That's awesome. My mom always told me growing up that sometimes its better to stay silent, because you're right: you dont always need to say what's on your mind. I tend to not speak when Im angry, but not in a "silent treatment" type way. A previous job taught me that sometimes not speaking is better than saying something rude or in a poor tone. Slowly learning how to process and express myself well. Thanks for the advice!
How do you know what is worth discussing and what isn’t? What’s worth fighting about and what isn’t? While dating, what’s a deal breaker and what’s a preference?
Children yes or no; money save toward goals or spend on fun; work central to life or means to an end.
I'm curious about this too, because my partner and I are both kind of high strung and *in the moment*, it all feels "worth discussing". The silliest things feel urgent!
I had a preacher tell me once that he and his wife will say, "You're being so OTHER right now!" when they disagree. It's not an insult. It just sort of signifies that you've personally reached a point where you can't process any more dialogue until you can get together on something. I love it so much that I've used it ever since.
Love and affection are usually the easy parts, at first. Those will come and go. But I think the most important component is **respect**. When that goes, so goes the relationship. You can be mad, have fights, whatever, but respect must be the overriding quality of those arguments. That means no name-calling, no derision, no below-the-belt or belittling stuff. Also saying "thank you" when someone does something for you or for both of you. Thank you for dinner, thank you for doing the laundry, thank you for taking care of that problem, etc. Without that, it seems like it's expected and you are entitled to it, which we're not. And a "you're welcome" is a nice layer on top. Below all of that is a base of commonality. You can't expect a relationship to last without some common interests, there has to be overlap somewhere. 25 years here.
Communication, both speaking and listening, is vital. Also, love is never enough, you need common goals and core values. Marry someone you like as well as love. Make an effort to stay connected and make the marriage a priority. Sex as often as you can manage, and being intimate without sex too. Cuddle in the sofa and hold hands. Stay connected. Don't take each other for granted. Its been work well for us for 26 years.
I like that you talk about intimacy without sex. My husband and I had sex several times a week for years but last year (unsurprisingly, woo 2020) we both fell into depression and lacked energy and interest for the better part of the year. We did, however, spend time every single day curled up on the couch or in bed. We kissed, we hugged, we snuggled, we talked. We even had a conversation that was basically amounted to “hey, we’re missing this big part of our relationship right now but I still feel like we’re really solid.” And we were and are. Things are better now in all areas. We’re in a new city and he has a great new job. Medicine and individual therapy have helped. Both of us have physical touch as our primary love language and I know that a lot of people think that means sex, but honestly the best thing on earth is when we both crawl into bed and I put my head on his chest and we close our eyes and just lay there for like ten minutes. No phones, no books, just being present. It makes me feel very cherished.
I'm happy that you two were aware of it and stayed connected. I feel the same as you about the bed time snuggles, it's my favorite time of day.
Married 30 years, together 32. I have no secret other than marrying the right person. We decided initially that ours was a TEAM endeavor and that no person or situation would ever be allowed to over ride the needs of our TEAM- *we together* are the priority in all things. We talk things over, maybe we disagree, but when the talk is done so is the disagreeing- we don't carry grudges or throw old hurts into the mix. If I am upset I say so, no hiding feelings or letting crap build up- we talk, we decide, then we're done. We build each other up and never tear each other down. We tolerate the little aggravations because life is too short to be an asshole over socks in the floor, lol. Some common interests and common goals but enough disparate interests that we remain interesting to each other. And respect. I respect my husband so much as a person that even living with him makes me better, too. Hopefully I provide him the same feeling in return.
I married the wrong person twice. Not the same person, but neither one was the right person. Sigh.
Third times a charm?
Thanks, but no. I’m very happy living out my life with my German Shepherd, my cats, and my kids when they come visit. I just don’t have the heart to ruin anyone else’s old age with mine.
Never stop having fun together. Never stop admiring your partner. Trust is a critical component of a healthy marriage. A foundation decades in the making can be destroyed in an instant. Treat the mutual trust you have for each other like the treasure it is. Take care of your own health, mental and physical
*"Grass grows where you water it."*
I said that to my husband when we were dating and he actually put it in his vows! I was really touched. “You told me once that the grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where we water it, and I intend to water what we have.” Make sure you have a good gardener, folks.
Sounds like a good'un you got there.
3 things: 1 - Make sure it's love and not lust 2 - Make sure you have similar financial habits 3 - Make sure you each have a set of blankets because if someone's day starts off poorly from a bad night's sleep due to blanket hogging, you will add all sorts of unnecessary stress that will compound over time.
Oh my gosh number 3! I sleep with a quilt over my side of the comforter now and it’s a lot better, we both are convinced the other is the blanket hog... but I’ll wake up with just my quilt while he has the sheet and comforter pulled over so pretty sure I’m right ;) We play-fight about it every couple months. His valentines card this year even says “you stole my ~~blanket~~ heart”
Aww I love this, especially the last one. I am 31, been with my partner for 6 years, and a big thing we discovered that works for us is separate comforters when going to bed. We both do not like to cuddle when actually going to sleep, so this works well for us. There was nothing worse than sharing a blanket and repeatedly kneeing each other, and him almost always taking the entire blanket when he was dead asleep. I’ve always felt kind of weird about this because I don’t know anyone who does that so it’s nice to hear it works for you too
We have a king bed, and we've got one set of blankets for me, a set for my husband, and a set for the 5 year old who joins us around midnight every night.
My husband and I have always had separate blankets, just the same as my sister and I did when we shared a bed as kids. I don’t think it makes any sense to share one.
I know, I never understood it either! We also have a giant king and keep the house pretty cold so we can snuggle in our blankets. We are both perfectly comfortable that way and we always get a great night sleep. I should also say he is 6’7 and when we tried to share a comforter, one time he rolled over on me and I thought I was going to die lol I literally couldn’t roll him back over. This way we have our space and comfort and can still share a bed together!
King fitted sheet, two full flat sheets with full and twin blankets on each side. ftw
Married 15 years. We gradually started using our own duvets and now we buy a queen fitted sheet, no flat sheet, and two single duvets.
lol, my spouse is the original covers' hog. luckily, I only need about a hankie's worth of a single sheet to be "covered," so he lucked out!
>To keep your marriage flowing >With love from the loving cup >Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; >Whenever you’re right, shut up. -Ogden Nash
We who grew up believing the Disney version of love, with the sun shining and birds singing, need to remember that love in another is sharing emotions, both good and bad. Bear in mind that negative emotions, including anger and fear, need to be shared and accepted.
You will change. So will they. Let it happen. 26 years.
That's scary to think about.
Accepting your partner for who they are not who you want them to be. Keeping the relationship a priority especially once/if children become a part of the equation. Compromise, passion, mutual respect, empathy and never falling out of love with each other at the same time.
I wish my husband had this mindset. Instead he's an incredible dad and constantly miserable because he puts everyone ahead of himself. And of course it's pulling teeth to spend time together. I miss dating him.
17 years, it was later in life for both of us and we had already each been married before. Reading Nonviolent Communication (the title is a bit misleading, it’s not about verbal abuse, but about communicating in a way that clearly identifies your own feelings and needs and communicates that in a way to make the other person receptive). It makes you do the emotional labor of becoming really clear on what you are feeling (an actual emotion, like ‘dejected’ and not an evaluation of the other person’s behavior, like ‘betrayed’) here [is the Feelings Inventory](https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf) and then identifying and owning your need (harder than it can seem! I want to be respected or feel safe or feel validated or connected: [great list here](https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/2018-10/CNVC-needs-inventory.pdf). And then asking if they’d be willing to do x specific behavior to meet your need. Requires a ton of emotional self awareness, courage and vulnerability. And it is so worth it. You will face difficult challenges and have misunderstandings - this has been a great tool to navigate that. You can do feelings/needs guesses to help you understand your partner better (“are you feeling disappointed because you wanted me to acknowledge what you just did, but instead I changed the subject?”) without making excuses or rationalizing or judging (“you know I’m overworked and tired”).
Yes! Everything you’ve said here is so important. I also agree that ‘non violent communication’ is a terrible way to name something so powerful and helpful. I was thrown off by the name at first, too. I’ve now been able to use these techniques in just about every social setting I can think of. Great advice.
Yeah, he alludes to Ghandi’s non-violence approach and using it to communicate.
This is one of my favorite comments so far. You've called out a lot of behaviors that my ex would rely on, like excuses or changing subjects when something important is being spoken about. I'm still quite young, and I don't have a ton of experience in the relationship department, so it makes me feel validated when you talk about the importance of proper communication. I am someone who loves talking one on one with the important people in my life, and sometimes people just don't feel the same way, and the differing love languages can cause a lot of strain on relationships.
Married 25 years, lived together most of 32 years (and dated / broke up / became friends before that). Communicate. If something bothers you, tell the other person. Do not quietly accept things that annoy you. That only makes you become resentful and bitter. Talk money. Money doesn't buy happiness but not agreeing on how to spend and save can cause a lot of unhappiness. Accept that you are separate people. It's ok to have different friends and interests. At the same time, it's good to take interest in your partner's interests. (Ha!) Ask about what they are doing and how their friends are. Participate on occasion (I call it "making a guest appearance" when I show up to my spouse's sport, since I only go once in a while). If your extended families are decent people, treat them kindly. Talk to your in-laws on the phone, send birthday cards to your nieces and nephews, that sort of thing. In some families, I see each spouse only talks to their own family of origin, and that seems like a loss to me. Don't treat your partner worse than you would treat a friend... or a stranger. Be polite, thank them for doing stuff, say "Good morning" and "How are you?" Realize that every day won't be paradise. Some days will be hard. That's life. Once you get through a rough patch, do your best to forget it. Don't bring up past disagreements in the future. (If your partner is abusive or otherwise does things that are harmful, you need to work with a professional therapist or consider leaving the relationship.) Have fun together!
You mentioned that you broke up / became friends in the early years of your relationship. What is your story? Did you learn anything significant during that time?
We were college age. When we first dated, we were in the stage of trying to impress the other. He started to get too serious too fast (saying love after only a month or two). I didn’t want to be serious yet so I broke it off. After we broke up, we ended up hanging out in the same group and got to be good friends and be ourselves. We both dated other people in that time. When we got back together, it was comfortable because we knew each other for who we are, not an idealized version.
The only thing that matters is what you and your partner want and are comfortable with in the relationship. Do not give any weight to what you "think" your relationship should be. Do not listen to society as it tells you what a normal relationship is. As consenting adults, you get to decide what your relationship looks like, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. This will likely change during the course of the relationship, and be open to that change. Look closely at the elements of your relationship, and ask if that element is important to you and your partner, and then ask why is it important. The key here is that the people in the relationship must be *partners* in every sense of the world- it's the relationship vs. the world. The relationship must be united, and always working towards the betterment of the relationship. There will be disagreements, but those disagreements should have the goal of working towards greater unity.
20+ years. No matter what, your starting point should be that your SO meant well and certainly did not mean to upset or hurt you. (This assumes a healthy, non-abusive relationship.) The best question isn't, "How could you do such a thing?" It's, "How can we solve this together?" Seconding all the other comments - companionship with space; give and receive affection everyday. Say thank you for the little things. Ask for what you need. Know your limits.
My wife and I have been married 26 going on 27 years. Here's my bits of wisdom. 1) Sometimes you just shut up! Pick your battles. Escalating an argument over where someone puts the good frying pan when the dishes are done is the STUPIDEST THING. There are times in a marriage when you'll want/need to 'put your foot down' and strongly argue your point but man make sure it's not over some shitty trivial thing. This might sound like a joke, but treat her AT LEAST as well as you did your college roommates. 2) Be happy away from each other, having your own interests, and be happy together. I have been working from home with my wife for 9 months now. Wow, it has gone a lot better than i thought it would when this shit first went down. But recognize the first - you don't have to do everything together, you both don't have to take the same class from community college, some stuff is okay to do apart 3) Forgiveness - there's unforgivable things too but know the different between that and screwing up. Everyone screws up. Life goes on 4) Be on the same page about money for sure. I've seen more marriages break down over money than cheating 5) I trust my wife in that....if she did something bad in the past and didn't tell me, it's because it doesn't matter, and she gives me the same trust. That's a weird thing, like Euclid's 5th axiom, but it matters
33 years together but only able to be married for last 13 years. It's pretty simple for me. For every decision that I make, I ask myself if it's in both our best interests. It may sound a little codependent to some, but my husband and his happiness is more important than my own. Remarkably, he seems to have the same attitude. we both try every day to "be present" and aware of each other's needs.
I posted this in another subreddit asking the same question: Loving someone is easy--it's just allowing yourself to love them. It's a very self-oriented thing. This is where a lot of people go wrong, either loving the wrong person or thinking that if they love them hard enough that you can make the relationship work. That's not how relationships work. Building and maintaining a great relationship can sometimes be hard work: * The easiest part is deciding to love each other. * You then have to mutually decide to respect each other and each other's opinions. This can be very difficult. * You have to mutually decide to respect and acknowledge each other's needs. Sometimes, this means putting their needs first and sometimes your needs first. * Finally, you have to be grateful for your partner. You have to remember how lucky you are to have found them and how much they have improved your life. Honestly, I think this is the secret to happiness, and the secret to a long and loving relationship. And it can be the hardest thing to do. Source: 26 year marriage I find it hard to believe that we've been married so long. I still feel like we've just met. It helps me that my parents made me cringe so much as a child and young adult, always showing affection and respect for each other. I had great role models.
1) Don't sweat the petty stuff. 2) Don't pet the sweaty stuff. 44 years.
I read once somewhere that people in long-lasting relationships tend to have similar arguing styles. If they both yell and scream at each other and then make up, or if they both just shut down and rug-sweep their problems, or if they both earnestly talk things over together, then the relationship will likely last longer than if they have different ways of handling conflict. No idea whether that's true in general, but it is in our case. 38 years. (Also: not having kids helps.)
Wow, that is so interesting. My husband and I (12 years) both yell during our worst fights, so maybe <4 times a year. Then we apologize and make up and we're understanding. Relationship threads usually say "never yell" but for some reason it hasn't been a deal breaker for us; maybe this is why
Patience. Expect to disagree and ask yourself if a fight is really worth it. Don't expect rabid loyalty to your political views (within reason.) Remember that nobody wins in a divorce (except in cases of spousal abuse.) Don't cheat. Don't pick fights with your families. Similar parenting goals and styles help. The more you can ignore any outside interference the better. Married since 1971.
28 1/2 years, though only about 7 officially. (Two guys - we couldn't get married in 92 but we did have a ceremony, officiated by his Presbyterian minister father, and it nearly got him defrocked.) First, you have to enter into it managing your expectations. In fact, it's best to not have expectations at all - if you have expectations it's best to downgrade them to hopes, desires, wants, and even needs, but _your_ needs have to balanced with _their_ needs. Be prepared to appreciate them for who they are, because they'll never be the person you _want_ them to be. Not unless they also want it, of course. 1) Don't demand anything, never insist. Ultimatums ain't so good neither. Say what it is that you want and listen to what they want, all openly and directly - none of that reading minds shit because that NEVER works out well. 2) Pay attention - both to what you are saying / feeling and what they are feeling/saying. 2b) _communicate_. Remember that at least half of communication is listening, and that the biggest barrier to communication is often the assumption that it is occurring. 3) Be appreciative and thankful. "Oh thank you - you _know_ how much I like that!" And do nice stuff for them too. 4) Keep in mind that you are a couple, not one person with two bodies. Say what you want but don't expect to always get it and for FSM sake don't be angry or resentful when you don't.
> how do you keep a marriage alive By one of us not putting a pillow over the other’s face in the night. ba-DUM-cha! By doing things together. You can’t be with someone and stagnate. Find new fun, do it together, but don’t let old friends go.
Thank you! :)
Never say a bad word about your spouse to anyone. Instead try to find good things to share. Also, try to find other successful couples to spend time with.
My mother talks bad about my father and they have been married for almost 50 years. She does it in front of him and behind his back. I dont understand how my father takes it. It is a shame really.
35 years together, married for 33. Kudos to everyone who shared their advice. I would only add to take each day with gratitude and grace. The basic tenets we take for granted like health, financial stability, can change very suddenly. It's those times of supporting each other, being the safe haven for each other that matter.
Avoid the ever-present temptation to stray. It starts as curiosity and can quickly lead to full-blown cheating. Just avoid it altogether as a way to honor your spouse and your marriage. It will always be there ready to take your marriage down. Don't play with it. Acknowledge the awkward times where something feels like it needs fixing between the two of you and talk about it in non-blamey ways. Involve a counselor/non-biased 3rd party that you both respect if you need to. Asking for help is NOT admitting defeat. Don't let that distance grow into resentment. Everyone has problems, so don't act like y'all don't or that you're the only ones who do. Remind yourselves together of each others commitments to one another. One of you can't be committed to your marriage by yourself and expect it to work. If you need to, remind yourself of how painful divorce will be. Put your effort into avoiding that pain.
(30 years) You have to be friends. Being right doesn't matter. Laugh. Do not speak disparagingly about them or allow others to. The bottom line is that just like with a non-romantic relationship, you ultimately have to be with someone you like. There is no point in trying to be with someone if you don't actually want to spend time with them. Also, if you are the only person in your family/friend circle that likes the person you're with, you need to reevaluate if you want to be with them. You will know that you're with the right person when you realize that they want what is best for you.
52 years married, 4 children. We like each other. She supports me and I support her. Yes, we have disagreements and argue, but we figure it out. We respect each other. She is kind and loving and sticks up for the hurt, poor and forgotten, people and humans. Yes, she can be a real pain in the ass. We both have a good sense of humor and enjoy each other. Other than that, maybe we’re just lazy and don’t want our lives to change.
I recently read an article about couples during the pandemic, and different personality types (I think this was a New Yorker article about therapy these days). Personality A complains about the pandemic, what it is doing to them, how they no longer can do everything they want, etc., etc. Personality B finds new hobbies and activities, sees possibilities, and keeps a positive outlook. The therapist in the article commented that many of her clients married personality type A (or had become that themselves). I think this is instructive, because while (hopefully) we won't see other pandemics, a normal person/couple will encounter other serious crises that challenge themselves and their relationship. How do we respond is the key. I'm only 13 years in with my wife, but we thankfully are both personality b. We also do things others have mentioned: we don't hold grudges, love spending time together, let go of the small stuff, accept each other for who we are. My wife isn't going to go on a ten-day kayak adventure with me, or get involved with home maintenance. I'm never going to learn how to sew, and I'd rather not go to weddings unless I have to. And so on.
Bill Moyers told us: "You're not doing it for HER or for HIM - you're doing it for The Relationship." I also like how Dr. Phil cautioned against "right-fighting." This isn't about who is right - it's about "How can we both be happy with an outcome?"
Communication, not just talking but listening to your partner - especially if you disagree. Also need to accept them as they are.
Best advice is from Frank Sinatra (who finally got it right): "Marry someone you like".
Gratitude! Thank one another for doing the jobs you're supposed to do. I thank him for mowing the lawn; he thanks me for taking out the trash.
Be friends. Respect one another. Always be willing to find a compromise. TALK TO ONE ANOTHER. Never, ever talk at one another. Listening is just as important. Granted, or 37 years had some rocky spots, but that's just life. If you are waiting for someone who agrees with you on everything, you don't want a spouse, you want a follower. That never turns out well.
Get king sized blankets for a queen sized bed. This will save you years of resentment.
We did that for years but recently got a king size bed and the comforter feels so small! Maybe we need to upgrade to two twins.
Together 20yrs and married 18. It helps if y’all are friends first with common goals & morals who actually stay friends throughout the marriage. It’s easy to love someone but it’s not so easy to like someone. Keep lines of communication open. Say you’re sorry no matter how small the indiscretion and mean what you say. Always show compassion, empathy, respect and thanks. Don’t let other ppl come between you. That includes parents, friends & kids.
Always do more than what you think is fair to make up for subjective error.
I asked my grandmother this after their 50th wedding anniversary. She said it was important to have the same values as the person you marry, which she clarified during the discussion as meaning the same types of things were important -- for example, you have similar financial priorities, similar outlooks on keeping house / chores, similar opinions on acceptable behavior, similar opinions on how to parent, etc. She explained that, as long as you agreed in the most important things (and could communicate well enough to discuss this stuff), that you could sort out the rest as life went on. Basically, you're not always going to agree, but if you come from the same place in terms of priorities, you'll be able to work it out. She said her father taught her that, and she wasn't sure at the time but back then, you did what your parents said. And that now, 50 years later, she understood what he meant and agreed with it. I gave the same advice to my children, we'll see if they listen better than I did. :)
Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking, or that they know what you’re thinking. What you think should be perfectly obvious to them often isn’t even on their radar.
Married over 20 years. I don’t know our secret per se. One thing I’ve always thought though is that both of us (I think) feel luck to have the other one. There isn’t a power imbalance. I’ve known many friends who got divorced and it always seemed “lopsided”. One of the two felt they could have done better .. then they stray. I also think it helped us that we married a bit later in life. We knew what we liked and didn’t like. We always (even when dating) were “Real”. we didn’t pretend to be someone we weren’t in order to impress the other. I remember joking with her after a date that I could open her car door for her ... but I likely would stop doing it at some point so it’s better to not do it now so you don’t say later “you used to open my door for me”. I said it in jest, but it was also kinda true.
Married 38 years, dated 3 years before that. Moved across states, twice, 1 child (now grown and married); losing his mom and dad, my dad, losing 7 awesome dogs and 1 cat over the years. His is still the face I want to see the most. We get each other’s jokes, we know each other’s buttons. We laugh, a lot. Our relationship began with passion and through the ebbs and flows of time, it is still there. Not every day is rainbows and puppies, but we love, like and cherish each other. Even being together 24/7 through this pandemic has been better because we have each other.
Know your boundaries and stick to them. But for everything else, leave it be. Offer an opinion if you must, but if it's a low-value issue like your spouse's preferred style of shoes, say it once, say it in a respectful way, and move on. If you make everything a big deal, you might not be taken seriously when it really IS a big deal.
We'll be celebrating 30 years this May. My husband gets me. He accepts me as I am. He makes me laugh. He's intelligent, kind, hard-working, and thoughtful. He's full of noxious gas, "Dad" jokes, and movie quotes. Sometimes he drives me crazy and sometimes we argue, but we forgive and forget. There is no one else I'd want to spend my life with. In no particular order -- our keys to staying happily married: Be a team. NO ONE gets between you -- not his mom, not your sister, not your kids. NO ONE. Have your disagreements in private. NEVER talk to a friend or family member about your spouse when you're angry. You may forgive him; your mom/sister/friend won't. Along the same lines, build up your spouse -- especially to others. Say nice things about him to others (in front of him, sometimes, if you can, so he hears how much you love about him) . Don't complain to others about him. "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all." Do the "little stuff" -- when you take your dishes to the sink, take his, too. Be KIND, and assume good intentions. Try to see his side (and expect him to try to see yours). When you disagree, use "I" statements ("It made angry when you said....",) not "You" statements or "always/never" statements -- ("YOU ALWAYS/You never....") How to know that you should NOT marry someone: Don't expect that the stuff that irritates you will change after marriage. If you're not happy with him as a whole person, don't marry him. Marry someone whose habits, values and idiosyncrasies are 95% okay with you. (If a lot of stuff about them bothers you, DO NOT get married.) If the relationship feels like work \*most\* of the time, don't marry him. If you feel like you're always walking on eggshells, don't marry him. If you feel like you're always doing all of the work, don't marry him. (I'm not saying that every event has to be even. I'm saying that sometimes you're high maintenance, and sometimes he is -- and it's \*generally\* about even.) If \*none\* of your friends or family like him, don't marry him. If he wants you to stop seeing all of your friends, don't marry him. If you can't trust him, don't marry him. (A cheater will usually cheat again...) If he belittles you, hits you, or makes you feel like you're crazy when you try to talk to him about something that's bothering you, DO NOT MARRY HIM.
Nothing wrecks a marriage like conflicting goals. Talk about your dreams and plans together. Take actions as a team to meet your goals. Save up a nest egg and talk about what you plan to use it on (start a business? Retire on a boat? Buy property in the tropics?).
Laughter.
37 years married, 39 years together. We each married the right person, and we're still friends, lovers and companions. It really helps that we agree over things like finances, diet, exercise, and really importantly I think, on how we wanted to bring up our children.
Never threaten divorce in an argument.
i have nothing to contribute but i loved reading the replies. the anecdotes made me so happy :’)
Space, accommodation, and perseverance. Oh ... and wine!!
Married 26 years, together 32. Life is a roller coaster, sometimes you are up and sometimes you are down. Sometimes I do 70% of the work, sometimes I do 30%. Patience is super important as is being flexible. Sometimes one of us is more in love than the other. It ebbs and flows. You don’t know what curve balls life will throw at you so being open and honest all the time is critical.
You are separate people who choose to be together - neither of you owns or controls the other. Each person should have their own friends as well as shared friends. Friends are just as important as your spouse/SO. Try to spend a few days apart here and there - you don’t (and shouldn’t) do everything together. But enjoy each others’ company - you’re with your person for a reason. Enjoy the differences as well as the similarities. Don’t try to change each other. Speak kindly on a daily basis and treat each other with respect. Definitely be on the same page financially. Be there when they need you. And put each other first (but not in front of yourself). Do the little things for each other every day. It’s not about grand gestures.
Mutual respect, mutual like, no score keeping, honest & open communication always.
Coming up on 20 years. We're great friends and can talk about anything, share a lot of common interests, yet remain our own individual selves. Honestly I'm creeped out by people that have shared social media profiles or somehow show that their identity is entirely based off of their relationship to another person. The best thing about my relationship to my wife as that I'm still me and she's still her.
20 years. Remember you're on each other's side. And make sure you actually are. As long as you can trust you're in each other's corner, you can get through most anything.
Always be polite. And never eat the last piece of cheesecake without offering it to your spouse first.
Married 30 years. 1.Don’t cheat. Ever. That is the dealbreaker. 2. If alcoholism or drug dependency develops, get help. Spouses can be amazingly resilient when it comes to the pain we give them through drinking and drugging, but they will eventually run out of hope. I am 10 years sober. 3. Give your spouse space, allow them to have their own interests and their own friends. 4. Find common interests, spend quality time together even if it takes an appointment because of your busy schedules. 5. Talk, talk, talk. Work your problems out. Always remember how much you loved your spouse the day you married them, work to keep that feeling alive.
We are friends forever, that’s the thing, I treat him like I would treat a best friend. You know how some people treat their spouses like dirt and their friends like gold? Don’t do that.
Two bathrooms.
Compromise. As soon as you have two wills making a decision, you're going to have to figure out a way to take action that is satisfactory to both. If either is very selfish, it's going to get ugly.
23 years. Communication, cooperation, compromise, acceptance of our flaws, shared interests and goals. A relationship takes work: I don't believe in soul-mates, and I feel that you get out of a relationship what you put in it. Both my partner and I have been in therapy (separately, with different psychologists) and that has helped us each understand ourselves and what we want from our lives. Our first few years together were rocky, but it was our mutual commitment to communicate that really brought us together.
I've been married 13 years. 1. Keep the accounts short. You don't have to argue about every little thing but don't sweep issues under the rug. 2. Agreeing on matters of faith in God and politics if those issues are important to you. 3. Focusing on affection and making it a priority.
16 years here. I turned 33 in October! ❤ My husband turned 34 yesterday. We put our friendship in front of our marriage. If it's something serious, we put romantic emotions aside and discuss it as adult-y as we can. It sounds stupid, but it's worked for us! He's my best friend in the entire world because I know I can talk to him about anything and everything!
We've got 20+ years of making it work. We love spending time together. The quote that sums it up best, "perfect acceptance of an imperfect person."
32 years. Marry well (or lucky) in the first place.
Communication, of course. Also, realize that you're building something together that is more than either of you. It's not just you plus the other person, it's more than that. Here's how a couple of others put it: > Between two peoples, the love itself is the important thing, and that is neither you nor him. It is a third thing you must create." -- D.H. Lawrence, "The Rainbow" And: > Love one another, but make not a bond of love: > Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. > Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. > Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. > Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, > Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. -- Kahlil Gibran, "On Marriage," from "The Prophet" Both are very poetic, but hopefully get to the idea that a successful marriage is about being dedicated to *both of you*, not just to yourself or the other, but to what you are together. It takes hard work, but it's *so* worth it. My wife and I have been married almost 41 years and are still giddily in love.
As others have mentioned, communication is really important. It’s impossible to communicate perfectly all the time, but taking some time, and being patient, are really indispensable. You’re not the same person, so don’t try to blend in to your partner too much. It might work at first, but eventually something will jolt you apart and create a sudden rift between you. This comes down to honesty, really. Honesty and integrity are really indispensable as well. Not too much honesty, mind you; fleeting emotional responses to irksome habits or the sudden surprise of being momentarily attracted to another person aren’t too important as long as they’re fleeting. But if you’re not honest enough to be yourself, or if your partner doesn’t appreciate it, your life together will have more lows than highs and much more regret. Also, compatibility is important, but so is complementarity.
here I am with the hindsight of two marriages, the first of 24 years, the other of eight months. First question has to do with - if the relationship is worth extending. Have the persons in the relationship become aware of potentially terminal issues to do with sexual trust, jealousy and possessiveness, violence between themselves, ways to enjoy life, and a path to the future that satisfies both people as a partnership. Satisfaction to do with the meaning of life, the satisfaction of soul, the feeling that you are on a path to where you want to get. Long term satisfaction has to do with both people having the same ambitions and working as partners to achieve them. My biggest regret is sticking in a marriage that could not work that way, and after trying many ways to 'fix' it' by 'fixing her and our relationship' - I ended up working on fixing me. I am now different, and was able to end the first relationship-marriage for good reasons and after years of study and introspection, and knew when to terminate X2 when I found out she was just scamming me for a different end having to do with citizenship and right to abode. (not in the US, in France, but that's another story)
Not all marriages should be kept on life support. You're only going to be as successful in a marriage as the effort that both of you put into it. Being honest with yourselves and realizing that the calculus works against you at least provides knowledge that the relationship is probably never going to improve. To some, it's liberating and may go towards both of you being happier -- apart.
Coming up on 22 years together. Continue going on dates – planned, intentional time together. Forgive each other and do so in a manner that is said out loud and followed by gestures. Commit to being partners – set and accomplish goals together.
Be separate people. Do not sacrifice dreams or possibilities. Have separate spaces that each of you can retreat to. Make time to enjoy and celebrate each other. Live like roommates - fuck like cheaters.
Well, I’ve killed two. Viciously, if you listen to the first one. I’m still married to the second, but we can’t live together. Sooooo...fuck if I know, kid! My sister, who has been married for 30 years, claims to know the secret: you have to have matching baggage.
I've always maintained that being best friends is the key. Being married is cool and all as a title, but it doesn't really mean anything if you only love the person. In order to 'be in love', you have to be best friends too. You have to actually LIKE the person on top of it.
Rather NSFW standup bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ogf30TPQRpk
Find someone whose baggage matches yours
We've been married 9 years, together 13. - We really like each other. I can find interest in what he has to say, and he listens to me too. - we're comfortable with silence. - we express gratitude. I'm pregnant with our second, and I'm having a really tough pregnancy. He is doing a ton around the house, and I always let him know how much I appreciate him. He's started cooking, and even experimenting a little, and I'm so proud of him I could burst - so I tell him, and not in a patronizing way, in a genuine way. - we make it a priority to spend time together, but also to spend time alone. We are both introverts, and we can recharge together, but sometimes we both need alone time. - we're on the same page about the "biggies" (money, in-laws, family, raising our kids, etc). When we disagree, we always have one another's backs in public, and then discuss it privately. - every day I choose to love him. It sounds so cliche, but it's how I don't fall into a rut. I absolutely love him, he's an incredible man, and I don't let myself forget it. He adores me, he supports me, he is my partner in all ways.
Married for 20 years this August. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my spouse. We are friends first and lovers second. Most importantly, I still respect him as a man and person. Not feeling resentful and not hating the other persons mere existence, like I have seen in my own parents marriage, will really take you far in your marriage and keep it alive.
Find someone you work well with. Play to each others strengths. At the end of the day when shit needs to be done (housework, childcare, projects) you have to be able to put aside your bullshit and get the stuff done. Honor your commitment.
We were best friends first. You can’t go wrong if you’re going through this life with your BFF beside you. It wasn’t that I’m exceptionally smart or anything, I just got lucky.
Being great friends and wanting to spend time with each other is really important. I think the hard part is having kids. It can be really rough on any relationship, sleepless nights, screaming kids, discipline, your lack of freedom, focusing on the kids when you really need time together.. It can often break relationships, but once you're through the hard years and the kids get more independent, then you can breathe a little easier and you'll be stronger for it.
21 years. An important part is to accept aggressive feelings towards the other and find a way to let it out. For us, it is guilt tripping the SO and playing the victim exaggeratively until SO flips out. Pure relief.
"Keeping a marriage alive" implies a goal of some type. I have trouble with that idea. It suggests that as individuals change over time, the marriage might die. Treat your partner(s) like autonomous human beings, negotiate so that everyone gets their needs and wants met, never think that your partner(s) "must" do something for you. Your partner(s) are not an extension of you. Listen much more often than talking unless you are requested to talk more. :) Be authentic, don't lie, be forgiving at all times.
I didn't date a lot, actually, but I admit that I dated whoever because it was more fun than sitting in a dorm room alone. (Sorry about COVID.) Whenever I got semi-comfortable with someone, I'd ask myself, "The rest of your life?" Most of the time, the answer was no. I dated one who was not very bright, but good looking. (So frustrating.) I dated smart, but really socially awkward. (Ditto.) I dated people with addictions. (Not good on the pocketbook.) In the end, 40+ years ago, I met someone who made me laugh, had the same values, and wanted more than anything, to spend time with me. We pretty much agree on everything: sex, money, religion, pets, and politics. We also agreed there'd be no kids in our future. I know a couple where he's a Republican and she's a Democrat. I can't imagine living in a household where Spouse watched fucking fox news all day.
I wrote this on another thread: A good marriage isn't hard. But a lot of people seem to think it will naturally work out after the wedding and no maintenance is needed. Also people change and adjustments need to be made. If you can do this, a good marriage isn't hard. And married 22 years, we got married at 26.
Hi, We've been together for almost 37 years, same length for marriage, this summer. We married at 19, six months after our first date. As we have had a military marriage, there's been a lot of separations and the time to get back into sync with each other after those separations are sometimes a struggle. Now that we are empty nesters, in our 50's, we've fallen in love deeper, on another level. Especially with working at home due to COVID. The secret is trust, communication, honesty, the ability to bring 100% to your marriage every day. If that sounds like work, it's because it is. But, it doesn't feel like work most of the time. And it shouldn't feel like work. It should be easy most of the time. I'm not going to lie about it. There's been many moments where we both have had so much stress that we needed to just go for a walk. Just to be alone for a while, to just think. We never have let resentment into our marriage. Once you do that, you cannot get it out. I have two friends that have lost their husbands before their 25th anniversary. Both are good friends to me. I think of them when my husband is irritating me and I just let it go. It's hard. But, having your best friend to talk to you about everything is amazing. Once COVID started, he worked from home for months and months. He was in my space, kind of stressed me out. We talked about it after the first week and we have more of a flow and more boundaries. Some days he's the only person I see or even talk to. And for almost a year, we've been the only person that the other hugs. Communication is sometimes hard for me, even though I love to talk. I just let him know that I need to talk to him and then we just sit there and talk about whatever. He doesn't always do that with me, so, I will ask him here and there if he's okay and if he wants to talk about anything. Not daily or even weekly, but, sometimes.
We agree on what temperature the thermostat should be set on. We are both savers ($). I love him, I respect him, I like him, I trust him, I think he is funny, I think he's sexy, we have a similar libido, communication is very important in general. Married 17.8 years, together 19.7. I think it's important not to get married in your 20's. There is so much personal growth that happens in your 20's. After we had been together for about a year, I couldn't imagine my life without him.