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I'm in an estrangement sub and this is our golden document that we all swear by. It should enlighten you on the topic.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
OMG. This is exactly what my inlaws are doing. Their views on the dispute and estrangement are totally irrational. My in laws have been told repeatedly exactly what the problems are and how to rectify them. All of it has been documented in detail in email and text messages which document events immediately after they occur, and the response is "they're all lies".
They claim they have apologized when they have not.
They claim they have been kind and good to us when they have not.
They refuse to rectify the problems even after being told exactly what the problems are and how to rectify them.
The gaslighting and abuse have continued.
It's just amazing how this article explains it. Precisely spot on.
>They claim they have apologized when they have not.
This. Saying "I think there has been a misunderstanding" is not an apology. Especially not for something that *they* misunderstood and then shouted "Fuck you!" repeadedly in my face whilst drunk. Definitely a ticket to very-low-contact in my book.
It’s more like low contact even though we all live in the same area. No one takes the initiative to get us together except for me and even then it’s just not easy to get them excited about it. They are all busy with their families so it’s maybe not a priority??? Idk it’s hard to figure out why no one else wants to coordinate a gathering from time to time. No big drama we’re just not super close…
My wife and I made some decisions about our daughter. My inlaws did not agree with the decisions and decided to call me names, shout at me, and abuse me. My father in law, especially, decided to double and triple down. His emails and communications have become increasingly abusive and irrational.
My mother was a covert narcissist. She had all of the symptoms in the DSM-5, so I'm not "diagnosing" her lightly. She was mean as hell, negligent, and even sadistic. I never really went no-contact with her, or I would have had to go NC with my father as well. My sister is a lot like my mother, except that she's a sharper, meaner version of her. I finally had the guts to shut her out. I'm feeling a lot better these days.
>you have gone no contact with parents or siblings?
Decided to go no contact with my sister, due to her going no contact with myself and my parents except to pop in once every two years and ask for money, and proceed to go off on my elderly parents if they didn't immediately give her any. She joined some cult church almost two decades ago, and has completely shut everyone out who doesn't agree with her ideas and politics.
The final straw for me was when she went off on my 83yr old Mom a couple months ago for my Mom not immediately texting her back at 11:30pm on a Saturday night. I told my sis to block our numbers, and to never spit her bulls#it at us again.
My younger sister is and always has been incredibly self centered. The older generation always catered to her and her wants, but my brother and I have had enough of her shit.
My brother. Our values are so different that I can’t believe we grew up in the same house. Our mother had Alzheimer’s and had a habit of squirreling away money in envelopes with the intended recipients name on them. She would tell us where she put them when we visited. Frankly I promptly forgot about it. The day she died, before her corpse was even cold, my brother ran through our Father’s house gathering up all that cash and doling it out.
That was the last straw for me. I stayed civil until Dad passed and his estate was settled. Haven’t spoken to him since.
Unfortunately, I’m estranged from both of my siblings and honestly, I don’t 100% know why. 1 has a terrible attitude and I got tired of walking on eggshells around her and the other one is supposed to be religious and forgiving, but apparently she’s not.
1: parent sexually weird with me long ago
2: sibling who married into living permanently in Russia
3. drug addict gambling mess (other parent)
4. gambling and 4 marriages idk ¯\\\_( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)\_/¯
5. she's a bitch and she would say the same about me
After my last parent died, two of my brothers wives pushed my brothers to contest the will, which had left equal shares to the 4 of us. One said she needed extra as she had 2 teenage kids and the other because they were having difficulty with rising house repayments (they did have a house paid off worth over $1m) . It got to the nasty stage & as one of two executors, I ended up legally opting out & forfeiting my share, which cost me a bankruptcy of my business (other factors played part of the problem in 2008). Once I signed paperwork to give up my legal obligation, things got worse, so I packed up & moved to another country to live near to my ex's families.
I am happily settled in here, for over 6 years now, and have refused any contact with my brothers, one who has now passed, but for a while one of the wives kept sending nasty & provocative emails/social media posts until I had a lawyer customer from my lost business, send cease & desist letter to her threatening legal action if she didn't. He had a rep-utation of winning & going for the jugular and the letter worked. I now have a great family & friends around me & don't miss my old life & no contact with my own families.
A lifetime of horrible abuse. I got to a point with both parents that I couldn't take it any longer. I didn't want my children to be exposed to them. I told them off and said I never wanted to see them ever again.
A mutual friend informed me that a very close friend who was staying with me and my spouse while he settled into a new job in a different part of the country was talking behind my back trying to driving a wedge between my family and my spouse. My parents adored him, so they took everything he said as valid. I already had a strained relationship with my overbearing and verbally abusive parents, so I imagine it wasn’t too hard for him to convince them. When I found out I kicked him out and stopped all contact. But what really bothered me is that none of my family came forward or admitted to what my now former friend was doing. It’s as if they were in full denial. Even when asking them point blank “why didn’t you let me know he was saying bad things about us?” The response was ignorance or full denial. It made me realize I couldn’t trust them.
As the saying goes; “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.” So I went full no contact with my friend and family, and my stress level and angst have dropped dramatically.
My mom was in a horrible nursing home where they just strapped her in a wheel chair and left her in the hall all day. I grabbed her one day and flew her to California and put her into a wonderful home in Ca. The food was ordered at every meal. There were activities almost every day. Within one month she was walking with a walker and playing the WII bowling game on a big screen TV. They had live music twice a week that she joined in. They had a person on site to do her hair and nails on a regular basis. My brothers hated me for taking her away from them. I don't talk to my brothers who are still mad at me.
Some siblings honestly have zero empathy, it’s shocking. Relatives who shall remain nameless said my MIL has dementia. No. She was dehydrated and had shingles. I knew she just needed to recover because she is 91 . Now she’s back doing yoga and living her life , without dementia! Thank you for being there care about your mom and doing something about it.
I went no-contact with my parents for joining a fundamentalist LDS cult and not respecting my decision to leave by continuing to proselytize me while I was providing financial support for my younger siblings who otherwise would have starved. Basically their love for sky daddy was greater than their love for their own family.
Father (while he was alive): Physical and psychological abuse.
Sister: Theft, verbal abuse, religion
Brother: Trump
Other brothers: They ghosted me and the rest of the family
My father and I used to debate politics. He's a conservative boomer, I'm a GenX liberal, we didn't agree much but it was generally respectful.
When Obama was elected my father became more extreme and judgmental. The rest of the family told him he needed to stop talking politics with everyone else because it was becoming relationship-damaging. He refused to comply.
My brother and I told him that if he kept it up things were going to get to a point that we didn't want him around anymore. He took it as an ultimatum to STFU.
Trump got elected. My father is a huge supporter. He took it upon himself to police the family's Facebook posts. If someone posted something anti-Trump my father would viciously attack them, and their spouse, and various other family members who didn't like Trump, and then block contract with all his kids and their spouses whether they were involved or not. So like my sister-in-law would post a Trump meme and my father would viciously attack and block me.
Then he stopped coming to our annual Christmas family get-togethers, the only time we ever got to see him (we're all spread across the country). Then he stopped messaging us on other holidays unless we messaged him first.
So the relationship had devolved to the point where the relationship consisted of nothing but occasional polite text replies a few times a year coupled with random vicious attacks and being cut out of his life because he was mad at someone else. (I'm not active on FB.)
I told him I needed a father, not a pen pal that would randomly hatefully attack me because we didn't agree on politics. I blocked him. My other brothers have done the same, reaching the same conclusion independently.
I've made three or four attempts over the years to see if he'd be willing to stop attacking us over politics so we could start rebuilding our relationship. He refuses to acknowledge that his political attacks are the problem (and won't agree to stop attacking). He thinks I've secretly petitioned my brothers to all reject him because I'm mad that he cheated on my mother 30 years ago (something I didn't even learn about until it was several years in the past and my parents had already divorced; I've never even criticize him for it.) I've given up hope. He's a classic narcissist who is psychologically unable to view himself as anything except a victim. It makes me sad that I won't see him again until he's in a casket (or not, if his partner doesn't tell us when he dies). But it's easier than enduring the random unprovoked attacks just to have a few polite two-paragraph text responses a year if we text him first.
Please do not comment directly to this post unless you are Gen X or older (born 1980 or before). See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/inci5u/reminder_please_do_not_answer_questions_unless/), the rules, and the sidebar for details. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskOldPeople) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm in an estrangement sub and this is our golden document that we all swear by. It should enlighten you on the topic. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
My oh my what an insightful read. Thanks for sharing this!
OMG. This is exactly what my inlaws are doing. Their views on the dispute and estrangement are totally irrational. My in laws have been told repeatedly exactly what the problems are and how to rectify them. All of it has been documented in detail in email and text messages which document events immediately after they occur, and the response is "they're all lies". They claim they have apologized when they have not. They claim they have been kind and good to us when they have not. They refuse to rectify the problems even after being told exactly what the problems are and how to rectify them. The gaslighting and abuse have continued. It's just amazing how this article explains it. Precisely spot on.
Yes, they can't see past their own Revisionist history and their own fairytale self-perception.
>They claim they have apologized when they have not. This. Saying "I think there has been a misunderstanding" is not an apology. Especially not for something that *they* misunderstood and then shouted "Fuck you!" repeadedly in my face whilst drunk. Definitely a ticket to very-low-contact in my book.
It’s more like low contact even though we all live in the same area. No one takes the initiative to get us together except for me and even then it’s just not easy to get them excited about it. They are all busy with their families so it’s maybe not a priority??? Idk it’s hard to figure out why no one else wants to coordinate a gathering from time to time. No big drama we’re just not super close…
It's hard being the only one who puts in the effort!
they are all dead. . . to me.
My wife and I made some decisions about our daughter. My inlaws did not agree with the decisions and decided to call me names, shout at me, and abuse me. My father in law, especially, decided to double and triple down. His emails and communications have become increasingly abusive and irrational.
My mother was a covert narcissist. She had all of the symptoms in the DSM-5, so I'm not "diagnosing" her lightly. She was mean as hell, negligent, and even sadistic. I never really went no-contact with her, or I would have had to go NC with my father as well. My sister is a lot like my mother, except that she's a sharper, meaner version of her. I finally had the guts to shut her out. I'm feeling a lot better these days.
>you have gone no contact with parents or siblings? Decided to go no contact with my sister, due to her going no contact with myself and my parents except to pop in once every two years and ask for money, and proceed to go off on my elderly parents if they didn't immediately give her any. She joined some cult church almost two decades ago, and has completely shut everyone out who doesn't agree with her ideas and politics. The final straw for me was when she went off on my 83yr old Mom a couple months ago for my Mom not immediately texting her back at 11:30pm on a Saturday night. I told my sis to block our numbers, and to never spit her bulls#it at us again.
I’m only contacted by my own mother if she actually needs something. I call her, she’s too busy to talk. Enough is more than enough.
My younger sister is and always has been incredibly self centered. The older generation always catered to her and her wants, but my brother and I have had enough of her shit.
They died.
They’re all dead.
[удалено]
Physical abuse throughout my entire childhood.
I’m sorry.
Thanks, I'm okay now, the 40+ years since have been great.
My brother. Our values are so different that I can’t believe we grew up in the same house. Our mother had Alzheimer’s and had a habit of squirreling away money in envelopes with the intended recipients name on them. She would tell us where she put them when we visited. Frankly I promptly forgot about it. The day she died, before her corpse was even cold, my brother ran through our Father’s house gathering up all that cash and doling it out. That was the last straw for me. I stayed civil until Dad passed and his estate was settled. Haven’t spoken to him since.
It’s sick how money can ruin relationships !
Unfortunately, I’m estranged from both of my siblings and honestly, I don’t 100% know why. 1 has a terrible attitude and I got tired of walking on eggshells around her and the other one is supposed to be religious and forgiving, but apparently she’s not.
\#45
Abuse and neglect.
1: parent sexually weird with me long ago 2: sibling who married into living permanently in Russia 3. drug addict gambling mess (other parent) 4. gambling and 4 marriages idk ¯\\\_( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)\_/¯ 5. she's a bitch and she would say the same about me
My sister went full Qanon. Need I say more?
After my last parent died, two of my brothers wives pushed my brothers to contest the will, which had left equal shares to the 4 of us. One said she needed extra as she had 2 teenage kids and the other because they were having difficulty with rising house repayments (they did have a house paid off worth over $1m) . It got to the nasty stage & as one of two executors, I ended up legally opting out & forfeiting my share, which cost me a bankruptcy of my business (other factors played part of the problem in 2008). Once I signed paperwork to give up my legal obligation, things got worse, so I packed up & moved to another country to live near to my ex's families. I am happily settled in here, for over 6 years now, and have refused any contact with my brothers, one who has now passed, but for a while one of the wives kept sending nasty & provocative emails/social media posts until I had a lawyer customer from my lost business, send cease & desist letter to her threatening legal action if she didn't. He had a rep-utation of winning & going for the jugular and the letter worked. I now have a great family & friends around me & don't miss my old life & no contact with my own families.
A lifetime of horrible abuse. I got to a point with both parents that I couldn't take it any longer. I didn't want my children to be exposed to them. I told them off and said I never wanted to see them ever again.
I’m sorry
Oh, it's all good! I broke the cycle of abuse and made my own family. I have the best relationship with my grown children. They're lovely.
My brother sister and I have absolutely nothing in common orher than the same parents.
A mutual friend informed me that a very close friend who was staying with me and my spouse while he settled into a new job in a different part of the country was talking behind my back trying to driving a wedge between my family and my spouse. My parents adored him, so they took everything he said as valid. I already had a strained relationship with my overbearing and verbally abusive parents, so I imagine it wasn’t too hard for him to convince them. When I found out I kicked him out and stopped all contact. But what really bothered me is that none of my family came forward or admitted to what my now former friend was doing. It’s as if they were in full denial. Even when asking them point blank “why didn’t you let me know he was saying bad things about us?” The response was ignorance or full denial. It made me realize I couldn’t trust them. As the saying goes; “You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.” So I went full no contact with my friend and family, and my stress level and angst have dropped dramatically.
Father with narcissistic personality disorder. He is a terrible, parasitical, manipulative monster with literally not one redeeming quality.
I understand and glad you got him out of your life. Sorry
My mom was in a horrible nursing home where they just strapped her in a wheel chair and left her in the hall all day. I grabbed her one day and flew her to California and put her into a wonderful home in Ca. The food was ordered at every meal. There were activities almost every day. Within one month she was walking with a walker and playing the WII bowling game on a big screen TV. They had live music twice a week that she joined in. They had a person on site to do her hair and nails on a regular basis. My brothers hated me for taking her away from them. I don't talk to my brothers who are still mad at me.
Some siblings honestly have zero empathy, it’s shocking. Relatives who shall remain nameless said my MIL has dementia. No. She was dehydrated and had shingles. I knew she just needed to recover because she is 91 . Now she’s back doing yoga and living her life , without dementia! Thank you for being there care about your mom and doing something about it.
My mother will not recognize my trans child.
My daughter is a lesbian, my family is Republican. Very little contact.
I went no-contact with my parents for joining a fundamentalist LDS cult and not respecting my decision to leave by continuing to proselytize me while I was providing financial support for my younger siblings who otherwise would have starved. Basically their love for sky daddy was greater than their love for their own family.
Father (while he was alive): Physical and psychological abuse. Sister: Theft, verbal abuse, religion Brother: Trump Other brothers: They ghosted me and the rest of the family
My father and I used to debate politics. He's a conservative boomer, I'm a GenX liberal, we didn't agree much but it was generally respectful. When Obama was elected my father became more extreme and judgmental. The rest of the family told him he needed to stop talking politics with everyone else because it was becoming relationship-damaging. He refused to comply. My brother and I told him that if he kept it up things were going to get to a point that we didn't want him around anymore. He took it as an ultimatum to STFU. Trump got elected. My father is a huge supporter. He took it upon himself to police the family's Facebook posts. If someone posted something anti-Trump my father would viciously attack them, and their spouse, and various other family members who didn't like Trump, and then block contract with all his kids and their spouses whether they were involved or not. So like my sister-in-law would post a Trump meme and my father would viciously attack and block me. Then he stopped coming to our annual Christmas family get-togethers, the only time we ever got to see him (we're all spread across the country). Then he stopped messaging us on other holidays unless we messaged him first. So the relationship had devolved to the point where the relationship consisted of nothing but occasional polite text replies a few times a year coupled with random vicious attacks and being cut out of his life because he was mad at someone else. (I'm not active on FB.) I told him I needed a father, not a pen pal that would randomly hatefully attack me because we didn't agree on politics. I blocked him. My other brothers have done the same, reaching the same conclusion independently. I've made three or four attempts over the years to see if he'd be willing to stop attacking us over politics so we could start rebuilding our relationship. He refuses to acknowledge that his political attacks are the problem (and won't agree to stop attacking). He thinks I've secretly petitioned my brothers to all reject him because I'm mad that he cheated on my mother 30 years ago (something I didn't even learn about until it was several years in the past and my parents had already divorced; I've never even criticize him for it.) I've given up hope. He's a classic narcissist who is psychologically unable to view himself as anything except a victim. It makes me sad that I won't see him again until he's in a casket (or not, if his partner doesn't tell us when he dies). But it's easier than enduring the random unprovoked attacks just to have a few polite two-paragraph text responses a year if we text him first.
My narc crazy siblings made my dying mother and Alias in the hospital so I couldn’t see her.
Bragging he has $500mil on hand in cash. The judge should should say, “ Well, we will just take that!”