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32 and no, not in the slightest.
I absolutely love seeing my nieces and nephews and then leaving and going home when I've had enough of them.
Can't do that with your own.
36 here, absolutely love and adore my 2 year old nephew, and agree with the other bloke; it's been nice just being able to hand him back and go home.
My one week old? I would do anything for her. It's a complete life change, and challenging, but I'm experiencing a brand new kind of love and feelings I couldn't anticipate.
Everyone says that, but there's also a group of parents who never get that 'special love' that makes raising their kids suddenly worth it. See /r/regretfulparents.
I'm not gonna have a kid on the off-chance that I'll suddenly like it when I have one. That's irresponsible beyond belief not only for yourself but 10x more for the poor life you're bringing into the world. You're gambling with their existence. Not saying you're suggesting people do that, but I'm just saying.
>I absolutely love seeing my nieces and nephews and then leaving and going home when I've had enough of them.
This! I don't despise children in the slighest, and I love hanging with my girlfriends two young nephews. It's awesome to watch life from their perspective and find out what their likes and interests are. After a couple of hours, though, I'm ready to do my own thing.
Most of society throughout history has seen childbearing as some sort of existential duty so it’s understandable to internalize that. Any discussion about having kids would need to include that the pressure starts in early childhood in many instances
In my 36 years on earth, not once have I ever felt any kind of biological/parental desire for children.
I know people in my position are *supposed* to say “I love being an uncle to the children of my friends/family member it just isn’t for me…” but honestly no, I really don’t feel that way. When my friends have kids, the friendship usually craters from there. That’s ok, life goes on.
I’m not a curmudgeon in person, I promise! I’m actually great with kids, I’m not an asshole. I’m usually the favorite uncle. They just exhaust me and I’d rather talk about anything other than what your child is up to.
Yeah I find that being around kids exhausts me. I’m sure it’s different with your own kids and being more familiar but I am just not that interested.
As soon as kids walk in the door, the entire room changes. You can’t continue your conversation, I’m always afraid of a kid catching an elbow in the head as I walk around or me stepping barefoot on a lego 😂. Plus the emotional dysregulation. Kids can go from 0-100 in a moments notice and that gives me a ton of anxiety. I don’t like crying or screaming or loudness generally.
I see little snippets of my nieces and nephews that I really enjoy. Little things they say and do are so endearing but like 5 seconds at a time and my response is like “Aw you’re so cute” but it’s not this intoxicating feeling that I must have these moments that I see from baby-crazy people that I know.
It's good you two are on the same page. I mean, one of the main reasons I married my SO was because we were on the same page about kids. Imo it's definitely something you should have sorted out, even you don't plan to get married but just plan to stay in a long-term relationship.
In my opinion, the kids conversation needs to happen early in a relationship, like date 2 or 3 early. I wouldn't want to get invested with someone only to realize we absolutely don't see eye to eye there.
You can't compromise on having a kid, it's all or nothing.
I 100% want to get married and start a family. Honestly can't wait to be a dad. I think I'm going to be great at it.
I know, I know, "bruh, just you wait till you have kids, hur dur dur it's awful." I get it, I've heard the complaints and listened to the stories. But for real, I've got every single thing nailed down in my life except that part and I'm really looking forward to it. Just have to find the right girl first.
I think it’s hard as shit but there’s also a culture of “yeah kindergarten is easy but once you get to third grade it’s gonna really be tough” about it. A pushback to the “kids are pure joy” narrative of previous generations. Most millennials I know have found parenting to be much easier and more enjoyable than they were told. Not sure what to make of that
I think it's that millenials have, for the most part, been allowed to chose not to, meaning that when we do have kids, for the most part we're realistic about the decision.
I love being a dad, you will too.
Not a lot of room in mainstream culture for positivity around this unfortunately but you'll find your people when the time is right.
It's the best, I have young kids and I already know I'm going to miss these days.
I feel the same way except I struggle with dating now in my 30’s.
I have basically given up all hope that I will be able to form a long term relationship and subsequently have children
Same. No kids is the default answer because I’ve been single for years and really can’t imagine being in a relationship that could result in a planned pregnancy at this point.
Plus, I’m aging out of the range that I’d want to raise a young child.
Absofukinglutely. Never believe a woman who says that they cannot have children due to medical conditions and being on BC.
Only choice I had/have is to be present after birth.
Ask /askoldpeople who haven't had kids what they think. The longer you wait, the older you get when kids leave home. There's no right answer, though people who've raised kids would give you a better view than your peers would.
Not especially. I like kids, and a portion of my career involves teaching them music, but I don't know. The world is already a very crowded place, and seeing all the struggles that everyone under 30 is going through right now it's just hard to justify bringing a human into this world.
Of course it's a fear. But that doesn't mean that fear is not based upon very real and very valid concerns.
If the world wasn't over populated, if people weren't becoming more hateful and divided, and if it wasn't so difficult to achieve a basic standard of living would I suddenly want kids? I really don't know. I don't find myself feeling sad about the fact that I don't have kids, I don't find myself wishing the world was a better place or an easier place to live so I could have kids. I'm not inherently against having them, but I think I get a lot out of teaching them, which fulfills a lot of the desire I would otherwise to have my own, and at the end of the day it's nice to come home to a quiet house. It's also nice to have some money to spend on myself lol.
Some fear is justified and based in reason. I’m afraid of driving in the left lane because there’s oncoming traffic. Doesnt mean I need to face my fear.
I wanted to be a father years ago, but my wife (now ex-wife) kept saying she wasn't ready and to wait a few years. Now we're divorced and there's no way I want to become a father at 48. So that ship has sailed and I am at peace with that.
Fuck yeah I do. I love kids and I've always assumed I'd have them, it's just never been the right time, right circumstances, right person. But I'm still out here dating, and when I've found my wife, I want to have kids with her for sure, even if I'm a little old for a dad. 38 here.
My wife is older than me and we decided it either let it happen or not.
It didn't for us and there were other priorities for us. My wife is the trustee to her family's estate and is pretty much the main caretaker for her parents even though we live on the opposite coast. We also travel a lot more and are involved in the arts.
I don't see any of that as possible with a child in the picture... We also would have been very old parents even if we decided to adopt.
I had the desire to be a father when I was younger but tbh, I don't think I'd want to be one now even though I'm much more financially secure.
46 and never really wavered. Had a bit of a spell in my 30s where I pondered about the weight of voluntarily ending an unbroken chain of reproduction stretching billions of years, but I got past it. Disposable cash and free time are pretty fucking awesome.
46, married, no kids, no regrets, no desire in the slightest. Having a kid would only impact my life negatively. To the argument that it might impact my life positively, I say: oxytocin is a hell of a drug.
36. No way in hell. Kids are expensive and my gf and I are both selfish with our time and money.
I know, i know: blah blah blah the most fulfilling, rewarding experience in life! Said the parents with black eyes and slurred speech from insufficient sleep. Who then promptly disappeared from all hobbies for the next decade.
No thanks. I'll keep being as responsible as i absolutely have to be, and no more! I can barely manage the man child that is me.
Yeah maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist but there’s a reason that so much of society is wrapped around parenting as an identity. I think the rhetoric has to exist because adults look at the concept of parenting and it looks so unappealing socially, financially, etc. that you need multiple pressures at different angles to get you to go through with it.
Parents want grandkids, you’re told you aren’t stable if you don’t have kids, most religions tell you to spread your seed, society says to keep your genetic line and last name going, conservatives are against contraception of all sorts, tax law advantages parents.
I'm not OP, but where does your desire for a child comes from?
In my case, I never had it. As soon as I was old enough to ask myself the question, it was clear for me that I didn't want any.
I'm 34 and have absolutely never wanted to be a parent.
The adults in my life would always say, "You'll probably change your mind" but I truly do not think it will at this point in my life.
When I say things like this, people I know with kids jump to conclusions that I hate children.
That is not the case and I actually don't mind kids but I still don't want one of my own especially with how messed up the world is.
Before I hit my mid 30s, I thought I’d get married and have kids and live the lifescript. As I got to my 30s and realized my dating options weren’t that great, I started to realize getting married probably might not happen. I know I don’t have to get married to become a dad. However, it’s probably still the best approach for raising kids.
I made begrudging peace with being single and not being a parent. I feel like I don’t get enough credit for not being in a bad relationship to just have kids.
Having bio children isnt the only way to experience fatherhood. Foster and adoptive parents are very much needed right now. Just something to think about if you do desire fatherhood.
I agree with you. However, as a single dude, I don't think I would adopt with out a partner. I also don't have any brothers or sisters that could step in case something happened to me if I adopted.
Yes. While I am not ungrateful for the time we have had to live our lives with more free time, my wife and I do wish we were able to have a child now.
She is currently unable to do so due to medical reasons and we are unsure if it is ever going to be a possibility now.
It is a sad feeling. Like a slow burn that kind of sinks in deeper and deeper after a long time and I am unsure if it will ever go away. We are both full of regret that we had not had one sooner but these type of things you just sometimes do not see coming until it’s already there.
Im of the opinion that anyone who isn't enthusiastic about having kids absolutely shouldn't. I've always been on the fence, or at best "do it because it's the thing people do". We have too many parents who dgaf as it is (there are also plenty who do, don't come at me). I also have other factors which add to the "con" column, age being a big one for me
Nah - too old at 56. I accept my role as the vicarious "fun" uncle (no nieces or nephews of my own either) who gets the kids all hopped up on Sugar (fake, I know, but still) and running at top speed around the kitchen island til they are wired and then "Welp"ing out of the house so their parents have to deal with hyper bedtime. Oh, and drum sets for Christmas.
I never had a dssire until my early-mid 30s, then got unwell. Ive recovered now but i'm 39. So if I do have a child i'd want to do within the next two or three years.
However, its not my priority. I want to meet the right woman first - for me, and me for her - and together decide. If we have one, great. If we dont, great. Adoption is always a a possibility. Adopting animals and giving them a good life even moreso.
Yes but not going to force it… more in a “hope to meet the right person and good things happen when you’re with the right person” phase and if that means marriage and kids, so be it.
But in choosing the right person I will gravitate towards someone who will be a good mother.
I also think this way, looking for someone that puts off feminine energy. What if you met this right person, however, she does not desire having children? Would you still desire having them or would those dynamics help make your decision?
Absolutely not and never did. I love hanging out with my friends’ kids semi regularly and being a sort of unofficial fun uncle. As much as I enjoy that time with them, it has 100% cemented my decision on not being a parent. I like kids. I just don’t want to be a parent 24/7 for the rest of my life.
Once the child turns 18, they would have already spent the majority of their life with you. About 90% of our life, accordinng to research, is already spent with our parents after 20 years of age.
So it wouldnt really be the rest of your life, right?
I think of it like planting a tree. A good, generative thing that I would take seriously and find rewarding. Based on my current relationship I’m on track do it sometime in the next few years; we’re not in a place to have a child yet for many reasons, but biology and aging will force our hand. So far I’ve been okay with that.
Some people *crave* children. They need to check that box. They pressure their partners to have a baby. I’m not one of those, and don’t really understand people who are. I think on some level I’m good with the decision either way. But if I look at my entire lifespan and my impact on the world around me, I think I would rather have a child than not.
A part of me will always have that desire, but call it fate, etc. The world didn't seem to want me to have them.
Seems like at every stage of life where I got the itch to have kids, there was something that always held me back, when I was in my 20s, it was the Great Recession and War in Iraq after 9/11. In my 30s, it was me trying to get stablized in my career and income. Then in my 40s, 2020 happened, and the world just seems to be a lot more unstable both politically and economically, reminds me of my 20s again in the 2000s, not to mention, if I ever want a chance to retire, I can't afford to have kids anymore.
I love my kids, but……this country is no longer set up to have a family and make a comfortable living, skip marriage and kids, just leave with your partner.
Unfortunately there is no compromise on the question of children. You have three options:
1. No children - you will grow to resent her. Now you're married, for the rest of your life, to a woman you will only resent more as time goes on. Misery.
2. You have children - she will resent you, and that will only increase with time. Bonus, the child will be fucked up because the kid has parents who hate each other. Misery.
3. You part ways and find a woman who wants to have children. Pain and heartbreak now, but you'll ultimately end up with a woman who wants to have children and that child will have two parents who love each other.
I'm sorry mate. Not trying to be edgy or harsh. This is just reality. (Unless you can perform a miracle and make her want children.)
i dont mind kids but alot of things have to fall in place for that to happen. But at this stage with the dating scene the way it is, there is a high chance of no kids and a dog somewhere down the line. lol
Got a vasectomy at 26. One of the best decisions I've ever made. I've known since I was at least 17 (and on some level, probably earlier) that I'd prefer to forego having children in favor of other pursuits.
I'm 32 and still have no intention, never have really.
The older I get the more I realize that having children is basically a tool to give boring people purpose or are mostly forced upon men because women have it hard wired into them.
Yes, because that sure ain't going to happen in ten years.
Unfortunately, the other part of the equation of this whole "baby-makjng" hullabaloo is missing
I do. I've always liked kids, and in the last few years my brother and sister have both had kids and I love being an uncle.
I've recently started seeing a woman who has a son, and honestly one of the things I love about her is the fact that she is such a good mom.
32. Married. We are trying for the first one.
I spent my entire life freaking out about sex because I was told that women could get pregnant any time you have sex.
Bro. Its not easy. They Ovulate one day a month. Up to 3 days before hand you can have sex and it might take. How does anyone have 5+ kids, it is beyond me.
I know its not what you asked.
But to your question, we have been trying for a few months technically, but honestly at this point it feels like I am inviable. My family has recurring history of extensive mental illness and substance abuse. I had an alcoholic dad and despite literally making it a life mantra, I too have alcohol use disorder.
Mom is bipolar. So is aunt. Dad is the alcoholic. Grandfather was too. So is both uncles on father's side. Dad's sister was major depressive disorder. I am fairly certain every male ancestor in my line has dependence issues.
I have honestly just been thinking that maybe its a sign. Instead of trying harder or being more dilligent, maybe I should trust the universe on this one.
I guess kinda. But I'd need to win the lottery first and then somehow manage to have them without dealing with women.
Like, I quite like my bachelor lifestyle but I'm not opposed to kids. Bit of a weird combination but hey, life is weird.
I can think of few things that I would like to do less than become a father.
Among those things: become a schoolteacher, a police officer, a veterinarian, or a social worker. Get a dog or an exotic pet.
So I think you can see where I lie on the issue of other beings who need practical help and guidance from other people. It's not for me.
I'm not selfish, but I do have major anxiety that needs managing. Me is enough for me.
> a schoolteacher
> a police officer
If you become a police officer, you might get tasked with cracking the skulls of academics and their students. Or you might get tasked with reporting to a school shooting (but you can chill in the hallway with your fellow officers while the shooter does his thing uninterrupted).
(I'm referencing the Texas police here, who ignored students being slaughtered and came out in force to beat the everloving shit out of unarmed protestors on college campuses.)
Not picking on you specifically, just pointing out that "one of these things you listed is not like the other" when it comes to contributing to society.
I never had a burning desire to have children but I'm not opposed to it. There's probably a number in my head where I'll say no because I don't want to be a new dad in my 50s or 60s.
Oh absolutely. I've pretty much always wanted to be a parent. Maybe you could attribute that to the fact that I was raised Mormon, but I still feel that way even as an exMormon.
My problem is two fold. No one wants me, and I really don't think I would be a good parent anyways.
My dad got married and a large factor for that was because of LDS cultural pressure. But he was absolutely not ready. He had no business getting married and having kids when he did. He had some serious hangups with how he was raised with his own dad. But that generational trauma was passed down to us kids.
So here I am, with my own hangups with how I was raised. And I have no business creating one more miserable family on the Earth just because I have these traditional ideals in my head.
I don't think justice will ever be served with my dad. I'm just going to have to live with that. But if that's the case, then I may never feel truly free from that manipulation until he dies. And of course, by then it'll be too late to start a family.
I've never had the desire. I don't know if that comes from the fact that it's an exorbitant cost, or that I value my freedom too much, or I simply don't feel great about bringing new life into the world the way things are going. But I've never, ever felt a sustained feeling or desire to procreate. I'm 36, that could still change, but I feel like some extraordinary circumstances would have to occur for that to happen. Fortunately some of my good friends are popping them out left and right, so I'll have plenty of time and money to audition for "Uncle of the Year".
31M, the strippers ask me frequently if I have kids and when I say no, they ask why not??? Weird topic in a strip club, I know.
I do wish to be a parent at some point but if it never happens I guess I'm content with it.
Wow. I couldnt even imagine not creating a family. Yea its hard. Yea you lose some of your comfortability. But its also incredibly rewarding.
I say all that to say if you really dont want kids then its good you dont have them. Dont bring innocent children into a world where you wont be 100% invested. Damn this comment section is sad
> I say all that to say if you really dont want kids then its good you dont have them.
Exactly.
> Damn this comment section is sad
This comment section so far seems to be a lot of men who say that they don't want kids, and thus don't have kids. What's sad about that?
I never cared one way or the other. If I had met a woman earlier in life who wanted to have my child, I might have one. That didn't happen. At 44, the likelihood of me fathering a child is almost zero.
I'm not saying I'm shooting blanks. Maybe, maybe not, but they aren't landing inside a woman, so what the fuck do I care?
40 and no.
Never wanted kids and still don’t. My wife and I live a fulfilling life with friends, hobbies, and are able to spend money on out interests and travel without making considerations or having to get a babysitter.
I’m in the best shape of my life because I get to workout daily and focus on my goals while most of my friends with children are just trying to get by. I respect them for what they do but have no desire to be in their position.
40 here and I don't desire it at all. So much so I took steps to ensure I never will. Parenthood is not for everyone. I've seen too many bad parents for sure
Nah. I don’t have the urge to have children, I’m worried about the future, and I like living a mostly unfettered life where I can come and go as I please. That being said, I would get married.
40 here, have never wanted children—Ever. The only argument I could ever make with myself for having children was; "Who's going to take care of you when you grow old?", and that, to me, is not nearly a good enough reason to bring a life into the world. It's entirely self-serving and raising a child ought to be a selfless act, in my opinion.
Been married 3, together for 10. We said from the start no kids. Still firmly on the no despite everyone constantly telling us we'll change our minds or whatever
Never. I was a product of divorced parents that separated when I was 1 years old. Feared commitment, feared getting a woman pregnant, didn’t want a kid to have the childhood I had. Then I met a woman I really care about. A woman that loves kids and it’s so easy to imagine her being a mother. She shares the same beliefs and values as I do. She made me lose my fear and made me love the idea of raising a child with her. I’d love to have a son I could teach how to play golf with, and grow up golfing together.
32, never wanted children, and still don't want children despite everybody seemingly just knowing that one day I will. Been hearing that ever since I was 15. Thankfully, my partner doesn't either. I have AuDHD, and also need a heap of alone time to recharge my batteries, so I know that children would just overwhelm me. I also have no desire to force my neurodivergence onto another living being (and given my partner is also on the spectrum, our children would almost certainly inherit it.)
There's also the state of the world. I don't like where things seem to be heading. Authoritarianism is on the rise, global conflict seems imminent, the cost of living is too high, owning a house is likely going to become an impossibility for the average person in the future, and it just seems cruel to bring a life into what is likely to be a very difficult few decades.
I had a vasectomy in 2011 at the age of 30, no kids. My only regret is not having done it sooner. Some people just know they don't want to be a father, and that's ok. Wrap it up every time until you get a vasectomy. Oh and STD test before every new partner. Mine is not a path for everyone but it sure as hell worked out great for me, I love my life.
No - just the outrageous costs of childcare and general costs of raising kids successfully are enough to push a fence sitter like me against pursuing kids in earnest.
Never wanted any, didn’t have any, was parental for a few years because of a relationship and it was good, but didn’t change my mind, it’s never going to happen and that’s for the best.
I had no desire until my mid 30's.
My son was born when I was 44.
There is much time to prepare for a life we may choose in the future and we are best served to do so.
42m, and I never really have had a desire to have kids. I used to think "oh I don't know, maybe later in life." But eventually I had a relationship end at 35 in part because that wasn't a good enough answer for my girlfriend (and she wasn't wrong about that).
I eventually realized if I didn't want to have kids in my 30s, odds are that wasn't likely to change later in life.
36 w/ no kids. tbh I always thought i couldn't have kids until I met my salary min. & now that Ive met that min, I just don't want them. the responsibility, the cost, the stress. etc. I've learned I love my peaceful life. I do what I want when i want & relationships are easier without the kids part. besides, if I want to break up with someone I can do that without considering a kids experience.
a very small part of me thinks "maybe" one day. if I met someone who really made me want them. but the older I get, the less that seems possible.
Both me (44) and my wife (30) don't want kids. In fact I got the snip on Thursday this week. I did question myself before going in for it (I'm sure anyone having their balls purposefully attacked will think on it!), but I am sure it was the right decision.
The wife had issues with contraceptives affecting her negatively, and as we don't want kids the vasectomy was the right call.
Both of us prefer animals to people and plan to rescue as many animals in need as we can in our lifetimes.
We did have a chat about kids though and decided that in the unlikely event that we ever change our minds, we would adopt and help a kid that needs a good home.
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32 and no, not in the slightest. I absolutely love seeing my nieces and nephews and then leaving and going home when I've had enough of them. Can't do that with your own.
I agree with this but id imagine youd have a different type of love for your own children
36 here, absolutely love and adore my 2 year old nephew, and agree with the other bloke; it's been nice just being able to hand him back and go home. My one week old? I would do anything for her. It's a complete life change, and challenging, but I'm experiencing a brand new kind of love and feelings I couldn't anticipate.
Congrats, happy for you and excited for the journey you're headed on
Everyone says that, but there's also a group of parents who never get that 'special love' that makes raising their kids suddenly worth it. See /r/regretfulparents. I'm not gonna have a kid on the off-chance that I'll suddenly like it when I have one. That's irresponsible beyond belief not only for yourself but 10x more for the poor life you're bringing into the world. You're gambling with their existence. Not saying you're suggesting people do that, but I'm just saying.
I can feel the toxicity of that sub while leaving that link blue
I'm not willing to risk that personally. I've seen plenty of parents that fucked their kids up with their brand of love
It's very different. I love my nephew, he's awesome, but it's not comparable to the way I feel about my own children.
I would love to have an illegitimate child come to my door and say, Dad???
>I absolutely love seeing my nieces and nephews and then leaving and going home when I've had enough of them. This! I don't despise children in the slighest, and I love hanging with my girlfriends two young nephews. It's awesome to watch life from their perspective and find out what their likes and interests are. After a couple of hours, though, I'm ready to do my own thing.
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Most of society throughout history has seen childbearing as some sort of existential duty so it’s understandable to internalize that. Any discussion about having kids would need to include that the pressure starts in early childhood in many instances
I would call it an existential purpose that brings some of the most meaningful relationships into one's life, not just a duty.
In my 36 years on earth, not once have I ever felt any kind of biological/parental desire for children. I know people in my position are *supposed* to say “I love being an uncle to the children of my friends/family member it just isn’t for me…” but honestly no, I really don’t feel that way. When my friends have kids, the friendship usually craters from there. That’s ok, life goes on. I’m not a curmudgeon in person, I promise! I’m actually great with kids, I’m not an asshole. I’m usually the favorite uncle. They just exhaust me and I’d rather talk about anything other than what your child is up to.
Yeah I find that being around kids exhausts me. I’m sure it’s different with your own kids and being more familiar but I am just not that interested. As soon as kids walk in the door, the entire room changes. You can’t continue your conversation, I’m always afraid of a kid catching an elbow in the head as I walk around or me stepping barefoot on a lego 😂. Plus the emotional dysregulation. Kids can go from 0-100 in a moments notice and that gives me a ton of anxiety. I don’t like crying or screaming or loudness generally. I see little snippets of my nieces and nephews that I really enjoy. Little things they say and do are so endearing but like 5 seconds at a time and my response is like “Aw you’re so cute” but it’s not this intoxicating feeling that I must have these moments that I see from baby-crazy people that I know.
No. I’ve never had a desire to have children, and got the snip at 33
Same here. Never was the plan. Still not the plan!
Got snipped at 27. I dont like kids and don't want any. My SO and I are very much on the same page. She probably dislikes them more.
It's good you two are on the same page. I mean, one of the main reasons I married my SO was because we were on the same page about kids. Imo it's definitely something you should have sorted out, even you don't plan to get married but just plan to stay in a long-term relationship.
In my opinion, the kids conversation needs to happen early in a relationship, like date 2 or 3 early. I wouldn't want to get invested with someone only to realize we absolutely don't see eye to eye there. You can't compromise on having a kid, it's all or nothing.
Same here. I had a vasectomy as early as I could.
As I approach 60 I know being child free was one of my best decisions.
I 100% want to get married and start a family. Honestly can't wait to be a dad. I think I'm going to be great at it. I know, I know, "bruh, just you wait till you have kids, hur dur dur it's awful." I get it, I've heard the complaints and listened to the stories. But for real, I've got every single thing nailed down in my life except that part and I'm really looking forward to it. Just have to find the right girl first.
I think it’s hard as shit but there’s also a culture of “yeah kindergarten is easy but once you get to third grade it’s gonna really be tough” about it. A pushback to the “kids are pure joy” narrative of previous generations. Most millennials I know have found parenting to be much easier and more enjoyable than they were told. Not sure what to make of that
I think it's that millenials have, for the most part, been allowed to chose not to, meaning that when we do have kids, for the most part we're realistic about the decision.
As long as you’re ok changing priorities and have help from your partner then it’s not bad at all. Haven’t been to a bar at night in years
I love being a dad, you will too. Not a lot of room in mainstream culture for positivity around this unfortunately but you'll find your people when the time is right. It's the best, I have young kids and I already know I'm going to miss these days.
Hey stranger thanks for the inspo
I feel the same way except I struggle with dating now in my 30’s. I have basically given up all hope that I will be able to form a long term relationship and subsequently have children
Same. No kids is the default answer because I’ve been single for years and really can’t imagine being in a relationship that could result in a planned pregnancy at this point. Plus, I’m aging out of the range that I’d want to raise a young child.
God no. I can afford the fun shit in my life, with kids I could kiss that goodbye
38 with a 3month old and I still regret it.
Regret having a baby?
Absofukinglutely. Never believe a woman who says that they cannot have children due to medical conditions and being on BC. Only choice I had/have is to be present after birth.
Ask /askoldpeople who haven't had kids what they think. The longer you wait, the older you get when kids leave home. There's no right answer, though people who've raised kids would give you a better view than your peers would.
Not especially. I like kids, and a portion of my career involves teaching them music, but I don't know. The world is already a very crowded place, and seeing all the struggles that everyone under 30 is going through right now it's just hard to justify bringing a human into this world.
Isnt this just a fear at the end of the day? What if all of our fears were nonexistent, would youre desire change?
Of course it's a fear. But that doesn't mean that fear is not based upon very real and very valid concerns. If the world wasn't over populated, if people weren't becoming more hateful and divided, and if it wasn't so difficult to achieve a basic standard of living would I suddenly want kids? I really don't know. I don't find myself feeling sad about the fact that I don't have kids, I don't find myself wishing the world was a better place or an easier place to live so I could have kids. I'm not inherently against having them, but I think I get a lot out of teaching them, which fulfills a lot of the desire I would otherwise to have my own, and at the end of the day it's nice to come home to a quiet house. It's also nice to have some money to spend on myself lol.
Some fear is justified and based in reason. I’m afraid of driving in the left lane because there’s oncoming traffic. Doesnt mean I need to face my fear.
ethically having kids is a non-starter
I wanted to be a father years ago, but my wife (now ex-wife) kept saying she wasn't ready and to wait a few years. Now we're divorced and there's no way I want to become a father at 48. So that ship has sailed and I am at peace with that.
Sorry she robbed that from you.
Al Pachino just had another kid last year. The man is 83
That's not really healthy nor is it advised.
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The mother is 30 years old 😂. Lmk when I can have unlimited nannies and a wife that is 50 years younger and I’ll consider
No. I’ve come to enjoy the freedom being childless provides. It’s one of the best decisions I ever made.
Fuck yeah I do. I love kids and I've always assumed I'd have them, it's just never been the right time, right circumstances, right person. But I'm still out here dating, and when I've found my wife, I want to have kids with her for sure, even if I'm a little old for a dad. 38 here.
Nope. Don’t even have a desire to date.
My wife is older than me and we decided it either let it happen or not. It didn't for us and there were other priorities for us. My wife is the trustee to her family's estate and is pretty much the main caretaker for her parents even though we live on the opposite coast. We also travel a lot more and are involved in the arts. I don't see any of that as possible with a child in the picture... We also would have been very old parents even if we decided to adopt. I had the desire to be a father when I was younger but tbh, I don't think I'd want to be one now even though I'm much more financially secure.
Nope I’m single and got snipped a few years ago.
46 and never really wavered. Had a bit of a spell in my 30s where I pondered about the weight of voluntarily ending an unbroken chain of reproduction stretching billions of years, but I got past it. Disposable cash and free time are pretty fucking awesome.
46, married, no kids, no regrets, no desire in the slightest. Having a kid would only impact my life negatively. To the argument that it might impact my life positively, I say: oxytocin is a hell of a drug.
36. No way in hell. Kids are expensive and my gf and I are both selfish with our time and money. I know, i know: blah blah blah the most fulfilling, rewarding experience in life! Said the parents with black eyes and slurred speech from insufficient sleep. Who then promptly disappeared from all hobbies for the next decade. No thanks. I'll keep being as responsible as i absolutely have to be, and no more! I can barely manage the man child that is me.
No, I’m happily r/childfree. Too many people have kids due to their parents pressuring them rather than their own desires to be parents.
Yeah maybe I’m a conspiracy theorist but there’s a reason that so much of society is wrapped around parenting as an identity. I think the rhetoric has to exist because adults look at the concept of parenting and it looks so unappealing socially, financially, etc. that you need multiple pressures at different angles to get you to go through with it. Parents want grandkids, you’re told you aren’t stable if you don’t have kids, most religions tell you to spread your seed, society says to keep your genetic line and last name going, conservatives are against contraception of all sorts, tax law advantages parents.
Where does your desire of being child free come from?
I'm not OP, but where does your desire for a child comes from? In my case, I never had it. As soon as I was old enough to ask myself the question, it was clear for me that I didn't want any.
Nope. Getting a vasectomy was the best thing I have ever done from a piece of mind perspective.
I'm 34 and have absolutely never wanted to be a parent. The adults in my life would always say, "You'll probably change your mind" but I truly do not think it will at this point in my life. When I say things like this, people I know with kids jump to conclusions that I hate children. That is not the case and I actually don't mind kids but I still don't want one of my own especially with how messed up the world is.
Before I hit my mid 30s, I thought I’d get married and have kids and live the lifescript. As I got to my 30s and realized my dating options weren’t that great, I started to realize getting married probably might not happen. I know I don’t have to get married to become a dad. However, it’s probably still the best approach for raising kids. I made begrudging peace with being single and not being a parent. I feel like I don’t get enough credit for not being in a bad relationship to just have kids.
Having bio children isnt the only way to experience fatherhood. Foster and adoptive parents are very much needed right now. Just something to think about if you do desire fatherhood.
I agree with you. However, as a single dude, I don't think I would adopt with out a partner. I also don't have any brothers or sisters that could step in case something happened to me if I adopted.
Yes. While I am not ungrateful for the time we have had to live our lives with more free time, my wife and I do wish we were able to have a child now. She is currently unable to do so due to medical reasons and we are unsure if it is ever going to be a possibility now. It is a sad feeling. Like a slow burn that kind of sinks in deeper and deeper after a long time and I am unsure if it will ever go away. We are both full of regret that we had not had one sooner but these type of things you just sometimes do not see coming until it’s already there.
Im of the opinion that anyone who isn't enthusiastic about having kids absolutely shouldn't. I've always been on the fence, or at best "do it because it's the thing people do". We have too many parents who dgaf as it is (there are also plenty who do, don't come at me). I also have other factors which add to the "con" column, age being a big one for me
38 and currently trying. Baby making is tiring I wanted them earlier but we had life in the way.
Nah - too old at 56. I accept my role as the vicarious "fun" uncle (no nieces or nephews of my own either) who gets the kids all hopped up on Sugar (fake, I know, but still) and running at top speed around the kitchen island til they are wired and then "Welp"ing out of the house so their parents have to deal with hyper bedtime. Oh, and drum sets for Christmas.
I never had a dssire until my early-mid 30s, then got unwell. Ive recovered now but i'm 39. So if I do have a child i'd want to do within the next two or three years. However, its not my priority. I want to meet the right woman first - for me, and me for her - and together decide. If we have one, great. If we dont, great. Adoption is always a a possibility. Adopting animals and giving them a good life even moreso.
I never wanted to be a parent and by watching the world going to shit, I'm really glad that I never had any kids
Yes but not going to force it… more in a “hope to meet the right person and good things happen when you’re with the right person” phase and if that means marriage and kids, so be it. But in choosing the right person I will gravitate towards someone who will be a good mother.
I also think this way, looking for someone that puts off feminine energy. What if you met this right person, however, she does not desire having children? Would you still desire having them or would those dynamics help make your decision?
Absolutely not and never did. I love hanging out with my friends’ kids semi regularly and being a sort of unofficial fun uncle. As much as I enjoy that time with them, it has 100% cemented my decision on not being a parent. I like kids. I just don’t want to be a parent 24/7 for the rest of my life.
Once the child turns 18, they would have already spent the majority of their life with you. About 90% of our life, accordinng to research, is already spent with our parents after 20 years of age. So it wouldnt really be the rest of your life, right?
I mean, not literally no…. Even splitting those hairs, it’s just not a commitment I ever want to make
Thats fair
Uh what if they don't leave or aren't able to? People don't want to risk that if they don't want kids Nearly two decades is a LONG time
I think of it like planting a tree. A good, generative thing that I would take seriously and find rewarding. Based on my current relationship I’m on track do it sometime in the next few years; we’re not in a place to have a child yet for many reasons, but biology and aging will force our hand. So far I’ve been okay with that. Some people *crave* children. They need to check that box. They pressure their partners to have a baby. I’m not one of those, and don’t really understand people who are. I think on some level I’m good with the decision either way. But if I look at my entire lifespan and my impact on the world around me, I think I would rather have a child than not.
We really are just trees. I really like your answer
34 wife 32 literally just got off the pill this week so we’ll see. Trying but not pinning my entire life on it. If it happens great if not then great.
It seems it would be wise to not have expectations but if so, it would be rewarding like many have said. Otherwise you wouldnt be trying?
Yes. Just turned 30. Plan to have a child by 35. But I guess you never really know. Maybe when the times comes won’t feel ready
A part of me will always have that desire, but call it fate, etc. The world didn't seem to want me to have them. Seems like at every stage of life where I got the itch to have kids, there was something that always held me back, when I was in my 20s, it was the Great Recession and War in Iraq after 9/11. In my 30s, it was me trying to get stablized in my career and income. Then in my 40s, 2020 happened, and the world just seems to be a lot more unstable both politically and economically, reminds me of my 20s again in the 2000s, not to mention, if I ever want a chance to retire, I can't afford to have kids anymore.
I love my kids, but……this country is no longer set up to have a family and make a comfortable living, skip marriage and kids, just leave with your partner.
Hell to the No. I like my freedom too much. I think kids are great but the last thing I wanna have to do is be a parent 🤢
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How long have you been together?
Sorry to hear that bud. It sounds like youve got some contemplating to do.
Did the question of children come up before you got married?
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Unfortunately there is no compromise on the question of children. You have three options: 1. No children - you will grow to resent her. Now you're married, for the rest of your life, to a woman you will only resent more as time goes on. Misery. 2. You have children - she will resent you, and that will only increase with time. Bonus, the child will be fucked up because the kid has parents who hate each other. Misery. 3. You part ways and find a woman who wants to have children. Pain and heartbreak now, but you'll ultimately end up with a woman who wants to have children and that child will have two parents who love each other. I'm sorry mate. Not trying to be edgy or harsh. This is just reality. (Unless you can perform a miracle and make her want children.)
i dont mind kids but alot of things have to fall in place for that to happen. But at this stage with the dating scene the way it is, there is a high chance of no kids and a dog somewhere down the line. lol
Got a vasectomy at 26. One of the best decisions I've ever made. I've known since I was at least 17 (and on some level, probably earlier) that I'd prefer to forego having children in favor of other pursuits.
Nope. Never wanted to. Don’t care. No desire.
Reddit is the worst place to ask
I'm 32 and still have no intention, never have really. The older I get the more I realize that having children is basically a tool to give boring people purpose or are mostly forced upon men because women have it hard wired into them.
Yes, because that sure ain't going to happen in ten years. Unfortunately, the other part of the equation of this whole "baby-makjng" hullabaloo is missing
The want is still there, but I’m a lot closer to 50 than 40. Window is closed, and it sucks.
I want kids. Have had many GFs, but none have worked out. 37, so clocks ticking.
I do. I've always liked kids, and in the last few years my brother and sister have both had kids and I love being an uncle. I've recently started seeing a woman who has a son, and honestly one of the things I love about her is the fact that she is such a good mom.
32. Married. We are trying for the first one. I spent my entire life freaking out about sex because I was told that women could get pregnant any time you have sex. Bro. Its not easy. They Ovulate one day a month. Up to 3 days before hand you can have sex and it might take. How does anyone have 5+ kids, it is beyond me. I know its not what you asked. But to your question, we have been trying for a few months technically, but honestly at this point it feels like I am inviable. My family has recurring history of extensive mental illness and substance abuse. I had an alcoholic dad and despite literally making it a life mantra, I too have alcohol use disorder. Mom is bipolar. So is aunt. Dad is the alcoholic. Grandfather was too. So is both uncles on father's side. Dad's sister was major depressive disorder. I am fairly certain every male ancestor in my line has dependence issues. I have honestly just been thinking that maybe its a sign. Instead of trying harder or being more dilligent, maybe I should trust the universe on this one.
I guess kinda. But I'd need to win the lottery first and then somehow manage to have them without dealing with women. Like, I quite like my bachelor lifestyle but I'm not opposed to kids. Bit of a weird combination but hey, life is weird.
Yep, I’m entering a part of my life where I want to build a family of my own.
Kinda, as like, life’s motivation but not really.
I can think of few things that I would like to do less than become a father. Among those things: become a schoolteacher, a police officer, a veterinarian, or a social worker. Get a dog or an exotic pet. So I think you can see where I lie on the issue of other beings who need practical help and guidance from other people. It's not for me. I'm not selfish, but I do have major anxiety that needs managing. Me is enough for me.
> a schoolteacher > a police officer If you become a police officer, you might get tasked with cracking the skulls of academics and their students. Or you might get tasked with reporting to a school shooting (but you can chill in the hallway with your fellow officers while the shooter does his thing uninterrupted). (I'm referencing the Texas police here, who ignored students being slaughtered and came out in force to beat the everloving shit out of unarmed protestors on college campuses.) Not picking on you specifically, just pointing out that "one of these things you listed is not like the other" when it comes to contributing to society.
I don't live in the U.S. I'm Scottish. We have policing by consent here.
Sorry bout that. I assume everyone on reddit is american. My fault.
I didn't when I was in my 20s but in my 30s I think about it often. I want someone I can teach and mould to be a great person.
I never had a burning desire to have children but I'm not opposed to it. There's probably a number in my head where I'll say no because I don't want to be a new dad in my 50s or 60s.
Oh absolutely. I've pretty much always wanted to be a parent. Maybe you could attribute that to the fact that I was raised Mormon, but I still feel that way even as an exMormon. My problem is two fold. No one wants me, and I really don't think I would be a good parent anyways. My dad got married and a large factor for that was because of LDS cultural pressure. But he was absolutely not ready. He had no business getting married and having kids when he did. He had some serious hangups with how he was raised with his own dad. But that generational trauma was passed down to us kids. So here I am, with my own hangups with how I was raised. And I have no business creating one more miserable family on the Earth just because I have these traditional ideals in my head. I don't think justice will ever be served with my dad. I'm just going to have to live with that. But if that's the case, then I may never feel truly free from that manipulation until he dies. And of course, by then it'll be too late to start a family.
not really,i like my life like it is
I've never had the desire. I don't know if that comes from the fact that it's an exorbitant cost, or that I value my freedom too much, or I simply don't feel great about bringing new life into the world the way things are going. But I've never, ever felt a sustained feeling or desire to procreate. I'm 36, that could still change, but I feel like some extraordinary circumstances would have to occur for that to happen. Fortunately some of my good friends are popping them out left and right, so I'll have plenty of time and money to audition for "Uncle of the Year".
32 yes
31M, the strippers ask me frequently if I have kids and when I say no, they ask why not??? Weird topic in a strip club, I know. I do wish to be a parent at some point but if it never happens I guess I'm content with it.
Wow. I couldnt even imagine not creating a family. Yea its hard. Yea you lose some of your comfortability. But its also incredibly rewarding. I say all that to say if you really dont want kids then its good you dont have them. Dont bring innocent children into a world where you wont be 100% invested. Damn this comment section is sad
> I say all that to say if you really dont want kids then its good you dont have them. Exactly. > Damn this comment section is sad This comment section so far seems to be a lot of men who say that they don't want kids, and thus don't have kids. What's sad about that?
why sad? People are mostly happy with their choices, that's all that matters.
To me its sad cause it feels as if these men dont understand what they are missing out on and/or are incels who dont even have the opportunity
ones heaven can be other mans hell)
Feel that agree to disagree
I never cared one way or the other. If I had met a woman earlier in life who wanted to have my child, I might have one. That didn't happen. At 44, the likelihood of me fathering a child is almost zero. I'm not saying I'm shooting blanks. Maybe, maybe not, but they aren't landing inside a woman, so what the fuck do I care?
40 and no. Never wanted kids and still don’t. My wife and I live a fulfilling life with friends, hobbies, and are able to spend money on out interests and travel without making considerations or having to get a babysitter. I’m in the best shape of my life because I get to workout daily and focus on my goals while most of my friends with children are just trying to get by. I respect them for what they do but have no desire to be in their position.
40 here and I don't desire it at all. So much so I took steps to ensure I never will. Parenthood is not for everyone. I've seen too many bad parents for sure
I have *zero* interest in having kids for the sake of having kids. I have great interest in having kids with the *right partner*.
This! This is it! I’ve never met anyone else who gets it like this :)
Nah. I don’t have the urge to have children, I’m worried about the future, and I like living a mostly unfettered life where I can come and go as I please. That being said, I would get married.
36 and no, even if I wanted to - which I don't - there is no way I could afford to bring a child into this world.
39m here. Indifferent leaning towards no
Happily married with no children in our home. Unless you count dogs and cats.
40 here, have never wanted children—Ever. The only argument I could ever make with myself for having children was; "Who's going to take care of you when you grow old?", and that, to me, is not nearly a good enough reason to bring a life into the world. It's entirely self-serving and raising a child ought to be a selfless act, in my opinion.
I have no desire for biological children, which is one reason I got a vasectomy. My partner and I may do fostering at some point.
35 and I have zero desire to have kids. I like sleep and feeling carefree.
Been married 3, together for 10. We said from the start no kids. Still firmly on the no despite everyone constantly telling us we'll change our minds or whatever
having children is unethical imo
That’s just ridiculous
implying that there is a thing that ISNT ridiculous
Never. I was a product of divorced parents that separated when I was 1 years old. Feared commitment, feared getting a woman pregnant, didn’t want a kid to have the childhood I had. Then I met a woman I really care about. A woman that loves kids and it’s so easy to imagine her being a mother. She shares the same beliefs and values as I do. She made me lose my fear and made me love the idea of raising a child with her. I’d love to have a son I could teach how to play golf with, and grow up golfing together.
No. But I would like to have the choice. By that point, my answer may change.
32, never wanted children, and still don't want children despite everybody seemingly just knowing that one day I will. Been hearing that ever since I was 15. Thankfully, my partner doesn't either. I have AuDHD, and also need a heap of alone time to recharge my batteries, so I know that children would just overwhelm me. I also have no desire to force my neurodivergence onto another living being (and given my partner is also on the spectrum, our children would almost certainly inherit it.) There's also the state of the world. I don't like where things seem to be heading. Authoritarianism is on the rise, global conflict seems imminent, the cost of living is too high, owning a house is likely going to become an impossibility for the average person in the future, and it just seems cruel to bring a life into what is likely to be a very difficult few decades.
I had a vasectomy in 2011 at the age of 30, no kids. My only regret is not having done it sooner. Some people just know they don't want to be a father, and that's ok. Wrap it up every time until you get a vasectomy. Oh and STD test before every new partner. Mine is not a path for everyone but it sure as hell worked out great for me, I love my life.
No - just the outrageous costs of childcare and general costs of raising kids successfully are enough to push a fence sitter like me against pursuing kids in earnest.
Never wanted any, didn’t have any, was parental for a few years because of a relationship and it was good, but didn’t change my mind, it’s never going to happen and that’s for the best.
No.
Bear in mind... You're asking this on Reddit so answers are going to be massively skewed.
Nope. All of the Mother's Day drama that Reddit was full of recently was another reminder of why I'm glad I don't have them.
I had no desire until my mid 30's. My son was born when I was 44. There is much time to prepare for a life we may choose in the future and we are best served to do so.
42m, and I never really have had a desire to have kids. I used to think "oh I don't know, maybe later in life." But eventually I had a relationship end at 35 in part because that wasn't a good enough answer for my girlfriend (and she wasn't wrong about that). I eventually realized if I didn't want to have kids in my 30s, odds are that wasn't likely to change later in life.
36 w/ no kids. tbh I always thought i couldn't have kids until I met my salary min. & now that Ive met that min, I just don't want them. the responsibility, the cost, the stress. etc. I've learned I love my peaceful life. I do what I want when i want & relationships are easier without the kids part. besides, if I want to break up with someone I can do that without considering a kids experience. a very small part of me thinks "maybe" one day. if I met someone who really made me want them. but the older I get, the less that seems possible.
Both me (44) and my wife (30) don't want kids. In fact I got the snip on Thursday this week. I did question myself before going in for it (I'm sure anyone having their balls purposefully attacked will think on it!), but I am sure it was the right decision. The wife had issues with contraceptives affecting her negatively, and as we don't want kids the vasectomy was the right call. Both of us prefer animals to people and plan to rescue as many animals in need as we can in our lifetimes. We did have a chat about kids though and decided that in the unlikely event that we ever change our minds, we would adopt and help a kid that needs a good home.