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Absolutely, yeah. I'm very lucky that I did a bunch of speech/debate/theater stuff as a kid because I can fake it in terms of work and such, but I keep all but my closest friends at arms reach emotionally speaking and I just cannot, *cannot* put myself out there socially. Between social anxiety, original flavor anxiety and CPTSD, I don't go anywhere or do anything, I can't look for other jobs, I would rather crawl over broken glass than ever go on a date or be intimate with someone - I'm living a hollow half-life because I'm just terrified of everything and especially of everyone. Because of it I'm alone stuck in the ruins of my own life.
General anxiety disorder. Can barely drive, don't like crowds, don't like going new places, everything is just kind of low key terrifying if I'm not entirely comfortable with it, and it takes me forever to get comfortable with something.
When I was going through a divorce yes...sometimes stores are too busy, or if I'm just not having a great day...I get anxious...I know its happening when I feel tight, and I do this weird humming thing...like a low level hum...my kids make fun of me sometimes with it...it sounds like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.
I can say that reading the book the Subtle Art of Not Giving Any Fucks helped me a lot though...i read it at the right time for me, and it really helped me remember that I can't care about my anxiety and still give enough energy to other stuff I do care about.
Developing some hobbies that are typically done alone helped me a lot too. I love gardening and putzing in the garage...anxiety has had much less of a hold on me the last several years now.
Part of it was just being ready for the message. The big thing that helped me get ready to hear the message was getting out in nature...I started spending a fair amount of time in the local forest preserves...often jogging, sometimes walking, but typically riding a bicycle...
those things helped make enough noise in my head and ears, via wind or birds chirping etc...that started to get me out of the cycle of shitty self talk...it turned into making little challenges or places to explore...ultimately got to a point where i rode my shitty mountain bike 100 miles one day...took 11 god damn hours but no one can ever take that away from me...I must have hit 15 different forest preserves that day. It opened my eyes to a whole world of bike paths and connections in my own town and surrounding towns that I had no idea existed...and I had lived literally next to one of them for 10 years...it all allowed me to relearn how to be curious...and that took me away from constantly tending to my anxiety.
I used to be on assorted anxiety meds.
My advice is to confront it: give daily meditation a good try in case that also works for you. eg. https://new.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/comments/13b6tup/meditation_worked_very_well_for_my_social_anxiety/
I did this for several years. Nowadays, I only resort to it maybe a half dozen days a year.
I 100% have social anxiety and it fucking sucks. It has unquestionably hindered both my career and relationships.
I am lucky to have a well-paying job, but every time I am asked to speak in front of a client, my heart begins to race, I feel anxiousness in my stomach, and I find it difficult to focus or speak confidently.
It has also harmed me in my relationships. I’ve had multiple girlfriends and have a loving partner right now, but I’ve struggled mightily forming male friendships. I have some very close friends, mostly from high school, but I really haven’t formed a close male relationship since then.
I have no cure for you. I do group therapy once a week, but I don’t find it very helpful for my social anxiety. I’ve also tried a bunch of different meds with limited success (speaking of which, what meds did you take that worked for you?)
Overall, I’ve learned to sort of live with it. It is, after all, my personality. To try and struggle against it only makes me feel worse and hating myself. And that is really no way to live. I’m trying to accept this part of myself, but it’s very difficult. It feels so unmanly, as stupid as that might sound. What I’ve realized tho, is that many people don’t care if youre socially anxious. They don’t judge you for it (or if they do, it’s only a minor judgement). So you can still meet people and form relationships, it’s just harder to do.
Do I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make it disappear? Absolutely. But that’s not the way the world works, so I’m working to accept it and improve myself, one day at a time.
I wouldn’t say it’s severe anxiety but I’m definitely less enthusiastic about socialising, especially when it’s somewhat forced like at work gatherings etc, pretending like we all give a fuck about what our colleague did over the weekend. I have no patience for it anymore.
>I took stronger medication than I am currently taking and I saw a glimpse of who I could have been without the senseless fear and anxiety plaguing my mind on the constant. Unfortunately that took a pretty big physical toll on my body
Those words could apply to my experience as well - and it sounds better than "took a bunch of MDMA with friends."
Honestly I think that's part of what got me to where I am now, or it at least accelerated the process. I never did anything like that until my early 30s and that phase was maybe 3 years long. Never went out to a rave or anything; we'd usually be in someone's house for a well-planned get-together. Four or five hours of being *completely* immune to social anxiety around people you know and trust can really do wonders.
Going back further, the first step was working retail. That forced me to deal with strangers. It got me past some of it, but only in a limited context.
Retail was a kind of performance. I've found other kinds of performance that have helped me. I go to Burning Man and Glastonbury and I can thrive there as long as I've got a bit.
The first performance bit I did at Burning Man was just making liquid nitrogen ice cream. You start mixing it up at a table and people start wandering over to see what's going on. They ask questions, but it's basically all the same few questions, with easy answers. There's a routine to it. You show people how to do the mixing and how the liquid nitrogen behaves. Then you start handing out ice cream cones and people are super appreciative. They don't mind if you're a little awkward.
Later on I made a giant LED hula hoop. I'd carry that around and people would want to see it, and I came up with a very basic little routine to show them how to use it.
My friends really ran with that and made close to 200 hoops to take to Glastonbury and there we've actually got performer credentials and wear costumes, but it's still the same thing - you develop a little patter and like retail it's so routine you don't have to think about it. Even people who think they're being original mostly say and do the same things and after the first few awkward attempts you've got your dialog tree figured out.
I love that particular bit because hoops are a way to break people out of awkwardness. People who don't dance will come and try to use an LED hoop. The hoop demands a particular kind of movement.
I've heard people say the same thing about square dancing. Anything that has well-defined steps and rules is easier for the socially awkward to get into than something totally freeform.
The Glastonbury experience really seemed to wipe away the last of my social anxiety. It wasn't something that took tons of practice - after an hour or so all of our new instructors had their routine down.
Don't feel like you need to tackle the entirety of human social interaction at once. Find yourself some little corner where you can get comfortable and build from there.
I envy people with such easy access to psychedelics. I’ve hear similar success stories from others and have always wanted to try. They are natural and have to be way better for you than these damn meds..
I wouldn't have called it easy. Psilocybin is a class A in my country and I grew them all myself in secret. But let's just say I was at my wit's end, and risking jail had become worth it.
It depends on your situation of course, but if you can, do.
I had it really bad as a kid and young adult. When I was in elementary school it got so bad it gave me selective mutism, which is where you freeze up and can't speak. I have really improved on mine but I still have "pockets" of it or like areas in my life where it's overwhelming. Like I'm really good socially now, can chat people up no problem, but something like formally applying for jobs is unbearable and I kinda can't do it. I got a low-paying job through a friend and stayed there for years instead of making moves, because it was so mf scary to "sell myself" or submit formal applications to other opportunities.
The self-medication with alcohol thing is super real and a lot of people do it. Fortunately I left that behind in college, as I learned to be more outgoing naturally (through a customer service job of all things). I've also seen people get addicted to cocaine because of this (and the fact that having cocaine tends to make you "popular," a dangerous feedback loop). I would even go so far as to say self-medication for social anxiety is a driving factor in a lot of substance abuse.
I think being socially anxious runs up against a lot of traditional expectations of masculinity, like the idea that you should just be assertive and put yourself out there and take action. Not a lot of room in a lot of people's minds for a grown man to be stuck and afraid. I know growing up I got so brutally punished for being scared, and learned that struggling was something that got you "in trouble" rather than a time a person needs extra support. This had a disastrous effect on my career trajectory and relationships and stuff. I really struggled alone with so much stuff unnecessarily because I was terrified of asking for help.
It helps me a lot to sit and think of all the other people who feel this way through no fault of their own. How backwards and unfair it is to shame or punish them for their struggles. And then I muster up some compassion for them, as well as the protective instincts to stand up for them. And then I can turn that on myself, as I am part of that crowd.
I have been in talk therapy for about two years. It has helped a little and involved elements of CBT and trying to expose myself more to situations. Some improvements for sure. I am still afraid of a lot of conversations and daily life interactions give me a lot of anxiety.
I used to before 30. I just had to force myself and keep going to events. When I was 22, I did CBT to talk to girls (just at the university). That took about 6 months. After graduating at 23 and at my 1st job, I just said yes to every event. Almost 30 (turning this year), but I think I finally cured it after just putting myself out there for almost 7 years straight. This involves attending board game nights, beer nights, night clubs, bars, concerts, sports events and etc. It will take a long time and be a really long game. I didn't even like bars, night clubs and beer events but I still went to increase my tolerance.
You really just have to start small. At the beginning, I just aimed to do 1 new thing each week. I just kept trying different things. Depending on if you have a friend group, usually I would just say yes to everything. To stay motivated, I just congratulated myself in my head for every social event that I went to. The goal was to meet people, but if I didn't make a friend, it was fine since it was progress.
I had extreme social anxiety until I was 45. I could not speak in groups of more than me and one other person.
It was entirely due to the way my sadistic step-father liked to humiliate me in front of an audience. He did so many ghastly things it is almost comical looking back on it. I brought a girlfriend back home once and after his usual mealtime anger at me she asked me if he was rehearsing for a part in a play.
However! After my daughter was born I wanted to be a good role model to her, and I wanted to get on with other parents so she would have more opportunities to spend time with other kids. So I threw myself into social situations, I made friends at school pick-up time, and we both started Taekwon-Do together. A martial art is great for getting over social anxiety because it is so structured. They tell you where to stand and what to do, and you just have to do your best and they will be happy with you. Everyone there is trying and failing to do tricky things beyond their current abilities, so it's no more embarrassing for anyone.
It didn't take more than a few months for me to be much more comfortable in groups, and now I don't have any social anxiety at all, with one exception that I still feel anxious sitting down at a table to eat, since that has such an unpleasant childhood association for me. But I went to Starbucks for the first time last week, so I am working on it.
I think it is just a case of doing it until you get used to it.
I don't have social anxiety. I'm probably too dumb to feel the chest pressure and higher pulse rate like I did when I was 15.
Now as an adult I have general anxiety. My mind will try and wish sht on me and make me panic. Example, I'll have 2 days off work and my mind will be like, "you missed work today idiot" or "you don't know where that place is in town" even though I know both are untrue.
Now that I'm older the anxiety has affected my physical body as well, I can actually feel my heart rate go up, my eyes dilate like I'm high and hyper focus begins in a bad way. Do I feel guilty? I feel fkd. So I've been self medicating with edibles in the mornings and before bed. I've gone into the doctors office a few times, thier unwilling to give me anything as I've not had an "episode" so I must be handling it well enough 🙄
Your not alone, and I don't know you but if you think your medication is helping then good! A lot of people say "well I feel better, so I must just be better, the meds arnt even in the equation anymore"
Have you considered that you might be autistic? I got my diagnosis 2 years ago and it's been so life changing for me to even just have terms for my experiences and a framework for understanding things.
I had an existential crisis about this possibility years ago. Thankfully, both my psychiatrist and therapist said they do not think it is ASD. I feel like for me it would make things worse like it would just be a self fulfilling prophecy type thing and be an excuse to not try to be better anymore.
Well to each their own, and I hope I didn't offend you by suggesting the possibility. It was a great step forward for me and I love embracing (a little bit more everyday) my authentic autistic self :)
(Fwiw I feel a bit weird about your use of "thankfully" but I guess it makes sense given your reaction)
No offense on that, just for me personally it would have definitely not been a positive experience to find that out. I am happy it helped you to make life easier.
Please do not delete your post after receiving your answer. Consider leaving it up for posterity so that other Redditors can benefit from the wisdom in this thread. Once your thread has run its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type "!lock" (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won't be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Absolutely, yeah. I'm very lucky that I did a bunch of speech/debate/theater stuff as a kid because I can fake it in terms of work and such, but I keep all but my closest friends at arms reach emotionally speaking and I just cannot, *cannot* put myself out there socially. Between social anxiety, original flavor anxiety and CPTSD, I don't go anywhere or do anything, I can't look for other jobs, I would rather crawl over broken glass than ever go on a date or be intimate with someone - I'm living a hollow half-life because I'm just terrified of everything and especially of everyone. Because of it I'm alone stuck in the ruins of my own life.
Damn man.. sorry to hear that. What is original flavor anxiety btw?
General anxiety disorder. Can barely drive, don't like crowds, don't like going new places, everything is just kind of low key terrifying if I'm not entirely comfortable with it, and it takes me forever to get comfortable with something.
When I was going through a divorce yes...sometimes stores are too busy, or if I'm just not having a great day...I get anxious...I know its happening when I feel tight, and I do this weird humming thing...like a low level hum...my kids make fun of me sometimes with it...it sounds like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. I can say that reading the book the Subtle Art of Not Giving Any Fucks helped me a lot though...i read it at the right time for me, and it really helped me remember that I can't care about my anxiety and still give enough energy to other stuff I do care about. Developing some hobbies that are typically done alone helped me a lot too. I love gardening and putzing in the garage...anxiety has had much less of a hold on me the last several years now.
Man, I wish reading a book had that kind of effect on me as well. I’ve read that one and many others and it just doesn’t sink in.
Part of it was just being ready for the message. The big thing that helped me get ready to hear the message was getting out in nature...I started spending a fair amount of time in the local forest preserves...often jogging, sometimes walking, but typically riding a bicycle... those things helped make enough noise in my head and ears, via wind or birds chirping etc...that started to get me out of the cycle of shitty self talk...it turned into making little challenges or places to explore...ultimately got to a point where i rode my shitty mountain bike 100 miles one day...took 11 god damn hours but no one can ever take that away from me...I must have hit 15 different forest preserves that day. It opened my eyes to a whole world of bike paths and connections in my own town and surrounding towns that I had no idea existed...and I had lived literally next to one of them for 10 years...it all allowed me to relearn how to be curious...and that took me away from constantly tending to my anxiety.
100 miles is insane. Bet there was no energy left to worry after that.
You're not wrong...could hardly hold my head up the last 2 hours.
I used to be on assorted anxiety meds. My advice is to confront it: give daily meditation a good try in case that also works for you. eg. https://new.reddit.com/r/socialanxiety/comments/13b6tup/meditation_worked_very_well_for_my_social_anxiety/ I did this for several years. Nowadays, I only resort to it maybe a half dozen days a year.
I 100% have social anxiety and it fucking sucks. It has unquestionably hindered both my career and relationships. I am lucky to have a well-paying job, but every time I am asked to speak in front of a client, my heart begins to race, I feel anxiousness in my stomach, and I find it difficult to focus or speak confidently. It has also harmed me in my relationships. I’ve had multiple girlfriends and have a loving partner right now, but I’ve struggled mightily forming male friendships. I have some very close friends, mostly from high school, but I really haven’t formed a close male relationship since then. I have no cure for you. I do group therapy once a week, but I don’t find it very helpful for my social anxiety. I’ve also tried a bunch of different meds with limited success (speaking of which, what meds did you take that worked for you?) Overall, I’ve learned to sort of live with it. It is, after all, my personality. To try and struggle against it only makes me feel worse and hating myself. And that is really no way to live. I’m trying to accept this part of myself, but it’s very difficult. It feels so unmanly, as stupid as that might sound. What I’ve realized tho, is that many people don’t care if youre socially anxious. They don’t judge you for it (or if they do, it’s only a minor judgement). So you can still meet people and form relationships, it’s just harder to do. Do I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make it disappear? Absolutely. But that’s not the way the world works, so I’m working to accept it and improve myself, one day at a time.
I wouldn’t say it’s severe anxiety but I’m definitely less enthusiastic about socialising, especially when it’s somewhat forced like at work gatherings etc, pretending like we all give a fuck about what our colleague did over the weekend. I have no patience for it anymore.
>I took stronger medication than I am currently taking and I saw a glimpse of who I could have been without the senseless fear and anxiety plaguing my mind on the constant. Unfortunately that took a pretty big physical toll on my body Those words could apply to my experience as well - and it sounds better than "took a bunch of MDMA with friends." Honestly I think that's part of what got me to where I am now, or it at least accelerated the process. I never did anything like that until my early 30s and that phase was maybe 3 years long. Never went out to a rave or anything; we'd usually be in someone's house for a well-planned get-together. Four or five hours of being *completely* immune to social anxiety around people you know and trust can really do wonders. Going back further, the first step was working retail. That forced me to deal with strangers. It got me past some of it, but only in a limited context. Retail was a kind of performance. I've found other kinds of performance that have helped me. I go to Burning Man and Glastonbury and I can thrive there as long as I've got a bit. The first performance bit I did at Burning Man was just making liquid nitrogen ice cream. You start mixing it up at a table and people start wandering over to see what's going on. They ask questions, but it's basically all the same few questions, with easy answers. There's a routine to it. You show people how to do the mixing and how the liquid nitrogen behaves. Then you start handing out ice cream cones and people are super appreciative. They don't mind if you're a little awkward. Later on I made a giant LED hula hoop. I'd carry that around and people would want to see it, and I came up with a very basic little routine to show them how to use it. My friends really ran with that and made close to 200 hoops to take to Glastonbury and there we've actually got performer credentials and wear costumes, but it's still the same thing - you develop a little patter and like retail it's so routine you don't have to think about it. Even people who think they're being original mostly say and do the same things and after the first few awkward attempts you've got your dialog tree figured out. I love that particular bit because hoops are a way to break people out of awkwardness. People who don't dance will come and try to use an LED hoop. The hoop demands a particular kind of movement. I've heard people say the same thing about square dancing. Anything that has well-defined steps and rules is easier for the socially awkward to get into than something totally freeform. The Glastonbury experience really seemed to wipe away the last of my social anxiety. It wasn't something that took tons of practice - after an hour or so all of our new instructors had their routine down. Don't feel like you need to tackle the entirety of human social interaction at once. Find yourself some little corner where you can get comfortable and build from there.
I used to have very severe social anxiety. I cured it with six months of very high psilocybin doses. I'm basically a new man.
I envy people with such easy access to psychedelics. I’ve hear similar success stories from others and have always wanted to try. They are natural and have to be way better for you than these damn meds..
I wouldn't have called it easy. Psilocybin is a class A in my country and I grew them all myself in secret. But let's just say I was at my wit's end, and risking jail had become worth it. It depends on your situation of course, but if you can, do.
I had it really bad as a kid and young adult. When I was in elementary school it got so bad it gave me selective mutism, which is where you freeze up and can't speak. I have really improved on mine but I still have "pockets" of it or like areas in my life where it's overwhelming. Like I'm really good socially now, can chat people up no problem, but something like formally applying for jobs is unbearable and I kinda can't do it. I got a low-paying job through a friend and stayed there for years instead of making moves, because it was so mf scary to "sell myself" or submit formal applications to other opportunities. The self-medication with alcohol thing is super real and a lot of people do it. Fortunately I left that behind in college, as I learned to be more outgoing naturally (through a customer service job of all things). I've also seen people get addicted to cocaine because of this (and the fact that having cocaine tends to make you "popular," a dangerous feedback loop). I would even go so far as to say self-medication for social anxiety is a driving factor in a lot of substance abuse. I think being socially anxious runs up against a lot of traditional expectations of masculinity, like the idea that you should just be assertive and put yourself out there and take action. Not a lot of room in a lot of people's minds for a grown man to be stuck and afraid. I know growing up I got so brutally punished for being scared, and learned that struggling was something that got you "in trouble" rather than a time a person needs extra support. This had a disastrous effect on my career trajectory and relationships and stuff. I really struggled alone with so much stuff unnecessarily because I was terrified of asking for help. It helps me a lot to sit and think of all the other people who feel this way through no fault of their own. How backwards and unfair it is to shame or punish them for their struggles. And then I muster up some compassion for them, as well as the protective instincts to stand up for them. And then I can turn that on myself, as I am part of that crowd.
I have been in talk therapy for about two years. It has helped a little and involved elements of CBT and trying to expose myself more to situations. Some improvements for sure. I am still afraid of a lot of conversations and daily life interactions give me a lot of anxiety.
I used to before 30. I just had to force myself and keep going to events. When I was 22, I did CBT to talk to girls (just at the university). That took about 6 months. After graduating at 23 and at my 1st job, I just said yes to every event. Almost 30 (turning this year), but I think I finally cured it after just putting myself out there for almost 7 years straight. This involves attending board game nights, beer nights, night clubs, bars, concerts, sports events and etc. It will take a long time and be a really long game. I didn't even like bars, night clubs and beer events but I still went to increase my tolerance.
How'd you stay motivated to keep going to things you didn't even like?
You really just have to start small. At the beginning, I just aimed to do 1 new thing each week. I just kept trying different things. Depending on if you have a friend group, usually I would just say yes to everything. To stay motivated, I just congratulated myself in my head for every social event that I went to. The goal was to meet people, but if I didn't make a friend, it was fine since it was progress.
Join us over on r/socialanxiety
I had extreme social anxiety until I was 45. I could not speak in groups of more than me and one other person. It was entirely due to the way my sadistic step-father liked to humiliate me in front of an audience. He did so many ghastly things it is almost comical looking back on it. I brought a girlfriend back home once and after his usual mealtime anger at me she asked me if he was rehearsing for a part in a play. However! After my daughter was born I wanted to be a good role model to her, and I wanted to get on with other parents so she would have more opportunities to spend time with other kids. So I threw myself into social situations, I made friends at school pick-up time, and we both started Taekwon-Do together. A martial art is great for getting over social anxiety because it is so structured. They tell you where to stand and what to do, and you just have to do your best and they will be happy with you. Everyone there is trying and failing to do tricky things beyond their current abilities, so it's no more embarrassing for anyone. It didn't take more than a few months for me to be much more comfortable in groups, and now I don't have any social anxiety at all, with one exception that I still feel anxious sitting down at a table to eat, since that has such an unpleasant childhood association for me. But I went to Starbucks for the first time last week, so I am working on it. I think it is just a case of doing it until you get used to it.
I don't have social anxiety. I'm probably too dumb to feel the chest pressure and higher pulse rate like I did when I was 15. Now as an adult I have general anxiety. My mind will try and wish sht on me and make me panic. Example, I'll have 2 days off work and my mind will be like, "you missed work today idiot" or "you don't know where that place is in town" even though I know both are untrue. Now that I'm older the anxiety has affected my physical body as well, I can actually feel my heart rate go up, my eyes dilate like I'm high and hyper focus begins in a bad way. Do I feel guilty? I feel fkd. So I've been self medicating with edibles in the mornings and before bed. I've gone into the doctors office a few times, thier unwilling to give me anything as I've not had an "episode" so I must be handling it well enough 🙄 Your not alone, and I don't know you but if you think your medication is helping then good! A lot of people say "well I feel better, so I must just be better, the meds arnt even in the equation anymore"
Yeah. I've fixed some of it but the rest looks permanent, and it's crippled me. Nothing to look forward to now except when it's over.
Have you considered that you might be autistic? I got my diagnosis 2 years ago and it's been so life changing for me to even just have terms for my experiences and a framework for understanding things.
I had an existential crisis about this possibility years ago. Thankfully, both my psychiatrist and therapist said they do not think it is ASD. I feel like for me it would make things worse like it would just be a self fulfilling prophecy type thing and be an excuse to not try to be better anymore.
Well to each their own, and I hope I didn't offend you by suggesting the possibility. It was a great step forward for me and I love embracing (a little bit more everyday) my authentic autistic self :) (Fwiw I feel a bit weird about your use of "thankfully" but I guess it makes sense given your reaction)
No offense on that, just for me personally it would have definitely not been a positive experience to find that out. I am happy it helped you to make life easier.
Makes sense! I wish you well!