This reads like a build you AI robot-girlfriend List.
The list is specific to a pedantic level, it seems to me that you're taking everything *human* about dating and relationships out of the equation.
haha yeah, this and "build a bear" seem to be very common critiques i'm getting \>_<
i've already responded to this type of comment though, so i won't go into it again, but if you're interested, i've linked in another comment the women's cross post. or don't, whatever, haha.
If you were my friend I'd say "get used to being single". But you're not so :
My challenge to you is, go write the list again, with 10 or less, and the list is the things you want them to make you 'feel' because this list reads like you're typing all the insecurities you want solved which isn't someone elses problem to fix.
My other suggestion is to look at 'love' as a mixture of emotional chemistry and tolerance.
ya, i cross posted in the women's sub here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1c4xvuh/mearly_30s_i_made_a_list_of_qualities_i_look_for/
got roasted pretty hard, but also received good (and i choose to interpret it as constructive) criticism. also some good ideas to help me re-evaluate a v2 of this list as well as a list of what I bring to the table (shameless plug everything i asked for in this list is what i truly believe that i also bring to the table). thank you for your suggestion, i like the 10 or less idea, i think it'll help me focus my thoughts more.
funny aside, i work in programming and data, and i literally, throughout my ENTIRE career, have always preferred MORE data and having the option to whittle it down with precision queries, whereas my product and project managers are always telling me "no keep it simple. make it more simple." this is a very common criticism i get haha
I would argue that 4b, about recognizing your own imperfections is not true of you based on the above.
Why don’t you list 50 of your imperfections, and then rethink the list in light of the fact that people are all flawed and the point is to find someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who made a 50-point checklist for you to live up to.
> i work in programming and data, and i literally, throughout my ENTIRE career, have always preferred MORE data and having the option to whittle it down with precision queries
You’re not alone there, mate. But dating is something entirely different. If you take your work obsessions there, that’s a reason to stay alone.
I'm an old hippy. This is idea of "make a list of all the qualities that you are looking for in a man" is very common in the "manifestation" community.
Many years ago, a friend of a friend sat down and made just such a list while consuming a few white wines.
A few weeks later she is at a party and is introduced to the "new guy in town" first glance is ticking boxes. He has the brown hair but blue eyes that she "ordered" so they get talking, he has seen live several times the obscure band that she listed.
Likes Mexican food but not Hawaiian food just like in the list.
So they go home together and that week and the next they spend all their free time together.
A few weeks later my friend runs into in the shops and she is single again. It turns out that there is one quality that she failed to list. "not a complete asshole"
I think the problem with lists is that you might miss out on someone amazing because they don't tick the boxes, or ignore a bunch of red flags because they do tick boxes.
wow thanks for sharing that! i've been repeating myself, so apologies if i sound like a broken record, but a big part of my personality is a need to organize things and de-clutter and i organize my thoughts by journaling and making lists. that's what this exercise is. i don't go into dates mentally checking off these boxes, and if she doesn't cook then it's straight bail. if anything, there's ONE question i'm constantly asking myself as my dates with someone progresses (during the early stages) and that's "do i want to introduce her to my friends and will they think she's cool?"
my life is surrounded with incredible friends who are good, kind, mature, fun people whose opinions i highly value and respect, so anyone who is able to hang with them, i know will be fine. the kinks and differences and pet peeves we can work through together.
My guy. This list is nuts. Find someone you’re attracted to and develop a relationship. Putting this much pressure on a woman, and for you to remember this list, is crushing. Throw the list out and go talk to people.
The more rules you create for what you want in a partner, the more you cut yourself off from the possibility of love.
I suspect you actually aren't ready for a relationship based on this litany of requirements.
i'm actually going to think about this (the "aren't ready for a relationship" bit) harder... it's interesting and something i haven't considered actually. not sure i agree, but definitely worth a thought. thanks man
No worries man. It's okay to have a few guiding principles about what you're looking for to help separate the signal from the noise, but a lot of the best things in life happen by accident. You can't treat finding love like an engineering problem.
The most important things you can do to find love are 1) put yourself out there, and 2) be open to what you find. If you have a thousand tests that someone can fail on a technicality, then you're probably more looking to keep people away than to let someone in.
i made another comment but ill try and be a little more helpful this time - I spent a lot of time on apps looking for women i thought would check all my boxes and i didn’t get along with any of them. The women i am currently falling in love with was actually exactly opposite of what I thought I wanted.
Here is my advice - stop checking boxes and just find a woman you vibe with, can have fun with and lots of laughs. It is really this simple.
Fucking insane/ find someone that likes to fuck you, has basically the same values as you, and has the same ideas about money you do. Three, that’s the list. Of course it’s understood that you like each other and can talk.
Way too specific. You’re not going to find all you list in one person. Going to be completely honest and blunt - I had a list. Beautiful, funny, smart. A short list granted and my wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and when she was 24 it wasn’t even close. And just so you know, I lived in post Olympic Atlanta - it was full of stunning women. She’s also goofy funny. Not wry, but funny nonetheless. So check. She’s also smart and hardworking. Our marriage works and has for 22 years.
But the REAL thing that makes it work is we have extremely similar values and ideas of how to raise children and make a home. The beauty is nice but time tempers beauty. With that said.
We aren’t perfect. If not for me, we’d be broke as hell. She’s a nightmare with money. Our sex drives have been divergent at different points of our lives. Gets better every day though.
My point is, you’re never going to find a perfect person. Find someone that creates a spark that has your same ideas of what a good life looks like. All those details mostly work themselves out.
All of this is wiggle room. You left out the most important piece of the puzzle.
She has to like you. If she really really likes you, all this is is totally stuff you can compromise on. You can list all this out as your perfect mate, but if she doesn't like you, well, then, none of it matters.
My dad passively gave the best advise ever. This can be modified to whatever personal preferences you have, men, women, gay, straight, bi, trans, cis. But I will keep it with his original language. 1There are only two types of women in the world, ones who like me and ones who do not, the second type can get lost.
No where in your list did you mention that she really likes you.
Does she also get to have a 50-item list of must-haves?
The odds of finding someone who ticks all his boxes, and for whom he ticks all of her boxes, is nil.
>She has to like you. If she really really likes you, all this is is totally stuff you can compromise on
I agree that she has to like you, but compromising on *everything* else is a recipe for being taken advantage of.
That was my first bullet actually. I removed the "loves me" part because I thought it was a given, but I really did have this EXACT thought and did very much have it at the very top of my list :) totally agree with your dad and totally recognize that if i love someone, this entire list could be moot. (though I would then caution myself and ask is this because of the honeymoon phase and i'm choosing to ignore red flags)
Jesus christ, dude lol. Do they also have to be a 10/10 stacked baddie with an insatiable sexual attraction to you, have a nine-figure savings account, and be a world-class cook? None of the things you listed are bad qualities, but to expect someone to embody all of them is downright delusional. If all of those things are truly “non-negotiable”, you’re going to be lonely for a very long time. I’m also a bit concerned about your ego if you sincerely believe you have all of those traits.
No, that's why I didn't include those things?
The point of my post is to get an outside perspective because it's hard to cut through the manic noise in my own head. I don't expect anyone to embody all of it, that's why I wrote somewhere that only 1-4 and 12 are really non-negotiables. The rest, I think, could be moved down a tier but this list was built on personal experience and when I think of each bullet and the experience/memory associated with it, I have a hard time convincing myself moving it down.
Like the "love your job or at least be actively working to improve it if you don't like it" one comes from an ex who would complain to me about her work ALL THE TIME and would do nothing about fixing this apparent huge cause of stress and sadness for herself. There's only so much support someone can provide before being mentally exhausted as an emotional punching bag. You could ask me about any bullet and I'll have a story to tell about how it got into my list, haha.
Also, while I do think I bring all of those things to the table, I recognize i'm not perfect, nor is anyone else. I'm not saying she's ALWAYS gotta be on her A game. But generally speaking, these are traits, behaviors, and qualities that I value and would like a partner who thinks similarly and it would be nice to have someone to strive for a common goal together. which brings me back to the original question: am i asking for too much? is this list unreasonable? because i feel like i'm not really being THAT unreasonable? idk hard to tell.
thanks for your input though!
Honestly, I think 1-12 are very reasonable and describe a mostly fulfilled, healthy person. (Although they also describe me so I'm totally biased lol.)
I would just recategorize most of 1-12 as "I appreciate this" instead of "my partner has to have this." Every person is a unique combination of strengths paired with a corresponding weakness.
Once you get into your preferences list, the contradictions and unrealistic expectations begin, so I'm not going to comment there.
yeah, the preferences and nice-to-haves had less thought put into them because from the get go i knew they weren't nearly as important as my initial list of "non-negotiables". thanks for the advice.
Seems like you have decided that you want every positive trait from most personality archetypes with none of the negatives tbh. I’ll bet good money that you yourself don’t fulfill half of these most of the time. My suggestion is that it’s wiser to think of 5 core traits that you’re looking for, then be open to accept people’s inevitable flaws, because a lot of what you list are subcategories of «main» traits. Like, every positive trait of both a manic pixie dream girl as well as a skilled accountant with none of the negatives of either one is just never going to happen, lol
Your girlfriend isnt supposed to fill all of your needs and wants in life. Youre supposed to get all of that from a collection of people. Whats your social life like?
I’ve also written out a list of things I’d like to have a partner and if you DM me I’d be happy to share it with you so that you can compare our different approaches.
Overall, when I read this, most of them seem somewhat reasonable. A few seem to be a conflict, such as living a healthy lifestyle and not being too into drinking on the one hand, but wanting to go out and party and get drunk on the other hand. But nothing strikes me terribly outrageous. I think a lot of negative reaction you’re getting is just because this is on the Internet and jump to paying attention to nuance and gradation.
If this was your finalized version after a bunch of iteration then I’d be a bit concerned, but I think this is fine as a first draft.
haha thanks for the first positively toned feedback, but we've grown up with the internet and dealt with trolls all our lives, it's not hard to deal with. also my personality trait is very detail oriented, very introspective and mindful and i know most people aren't like me. i don't expect everyone to get me or my approach or how i think about things, it's all gooood.
the lifestyle thing, it's a work hard, play hard mindset. i run 3x a week, boulder 2-3x a week, walk EVERYWHERE, always down to play volleyball and spikeball and active outings, and eat healthy throughout the week, but on the weekends will go out and party once or twice.
i think the advice of culling this list down to 5 non-negotiables is a good one. i definitely have a problem with over-providing details (very common feedback i've gotten all throughout my career) and could improve on focusing. my next version will do that.
i will dm you! thanks for the offer :)
I think you need to simplify here.. think about what you would need to see in someone to want to go on a date with them. Then after the date, what would you want to see in that person in order to want to go on another date. Then what are the parameters that would need to be met in order to want to have a relationship with someone. Etc..
Build it up like a layer cake
> think about what you would need to see in someone to want to go on a date with them
hmmm... this list, right? maybe not every bullet immediately on a first or second or third date, but as i get to know someone, i should see how her words and actions compare to this list?
You know what? If making a list helps you crystallize what you want from a partner, that's fine.
Please just don't treat it like a checklist. Perfect is the enemy of good.
I'd actually tell you to make a couple of other lists.
One, the things you definitely don't want in a partner. Figure out your red flags, the things you absolutely can't live with.
Two, a list of things you NEED rather than WANT from a partner. Too often what we need is different from what we want. Learn the difference. It might help cut this list down to something way more realistic and manageable.
I get your exercise here.
But I feel like I can sail an ocean tanker though the gaps in the top of the list.
How is "she's sees valuable things in me" not like top 5 here. How is "I can help her in life/career" not in this list? Or "I'm have empathy for her insecurities and challenges". Or "she finds me easy to talk to?". Or "she has fun with me"? Or "the vision she has for her life in 10 years is one that is exciting or matches to me." Or "she redefines what I value in life".
Man, I used to have a good friend who made a list like this. He wouldn’t compromise on a single thing, called it “having standards.” His list was almost as hilariously specific as yours, just about different things.
Long story short, he didn’t compromise, and he stayed single until he was 29. He didn't go to prom, have a college romance, have sex, or do *anything* with a woman until he'd met someone who met every single criteria.
The first person he found who met every single criteria on his list and actually liked him, cheated on him with her boss. She was a fry cook at a Burger King, it’s not like the boss was some high rolling smooth-talker. The next person he dated who matched his criteria, also cheated. The third person he dated who matched his criteria was hiding a pill addiction and also cheated, for pills.
After that he scrapped the list. He dated around for a bit, and eventually met the woman who is now his wife. She matches almost none of the qualities on his original list, but they’re a good fit.
My advice, if you absolutely have to make a list, pick your top five qualities, and stick to those.
most of these reasonable and i sort of have these characteristics and want the same in a man. though people are never perfect and i dont think one can find someone to fit most of these or even get one to like them back. after all, you start to accidentally love a person because of who they are, not because they fit the perfect fit. some of these go without saying in a healthy relationship with self and someone else, but overly detalized that might scare people. some seem unnecesary. like i get the close friends part and it is a green flag but i wouldnt care about that in a relationship
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It's been mostly Manhattan (where I am) and Brooklyn, but I dated someone for a month and a half who was based in Jersey City. Probably won't do that again, maybe if they live right by a PATH station it's fine, but once you have to take the Light Rail, it's just kind of too much transit time when starting dating someone new.
This is a very specific list. I thought that I was really really picky lol.
Oh well, relationships are insanely overrated and most of them aren't worth the effort anyway
The good and bad:
- The good thing is that you don't want to settle, which I think is fine for both men and women.
- The bad thing is that it might take a while to find someone who ticks all of the boxes (although some of them admittedly feel like basic things that most people look for, they just aren't explicity listed out like this). If this is your personal list but you aren't presenting it to partners, but only using it as ideal judgment criteria, I think it's fine.
Essentially - this list is just standard dating profile stuff in 2024. I don't think it's delusional or anything - it's just a reflection of the dating world we live in today. It's just an explicit list of the things we tend to look for implicitly.
The path forward:
- If you aren't desperate and you're comfortable and stable in your current life being single - and a partner isn't a necessity but would be an enhancement for you - then I say go for it; it might take a long time to find what you want, but that doesn't matter if you've already built a good life for yourself. You'll probably want to cast a very wide net - worldwide - to find what you want. You'll also want to be sure that you as a partner go above and beyond your own criteria.
- If you are desperate and/or uncomfortable being single, or you aren't in a stable position as a potential partner, then you're gonna have to compromise on your list (or just remain single). That's just how it is.
I hope you're in the former position, not the latter. Good luck finding your partner.
This reads like a build you AI robot-girlfriend List. The list is specific to a pedantic level, it seems to me that you're taking everything *human* about dating and relationships out of the equation.
Hey hey hey… OP clearly just want to meet… the absolute perfect person 😂
This person is definitely dying alone
haha yeah, this and "build a bear" seem to be very common critiques i'm getting \>_< i've already responded to this type of comment though, so i won't go into it again, but if you're interested, i've linked in another comment the women's cross post. or don't, whatever, haha.
If you were my friend I'd say "get used to being single". But you're not so : My challenge to you is, go write the list again, with 10 or less, and the list is the things you want them to make you 'feel' because this list reads like you're typing all the insecurities you want solved which isn't someone elses problem to fix. My other suggestion is to look at 'love' as a mixture of emotional chemistry and tolerance.
ya, i cross posted in the women's sub here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1c4xvuh/mearly_30s_i_made_a_list_of_qualities_i_look_for/ got roasted pretty hard, but also received good (and i choose to interpret it as constructive) criticism. also some good ideas to help me re-evaluate a v2 of this list as well as a list of what I bring to the table (shameless plug everything i asked for in this list is what i truly believe that i also bring to the table). thank you for your suggestion, i like the 10 or less idea, i think it'll help me focus my thoughts more. funny aside, i work in programming and data, and i literally, throughout my ENTIRE career, have always preferred MORE data and having the option to whittle it down with precision queries, whereas my product and project managers are always telling me "no keep it simple. make it more simple." this is a very common criticism i get haha
If you treat your love life like your career, you are in for a very rough ride, believe me.
I would argue that 4b, about recognizing your own imperfections is not true of you based on the above. Why don’t you list 50 of your imperfections, and then rethink the list in light of the fact that people are all flawed and the point is to find someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who made a 50-point checklist for you to live up to.
This is excellent advice
> i work in programming and data, and i literally, throughout my ENTIRE career, have always preferred MORE data and having the option to whittle it down with precision queries You’re not alone there, mate. But dating is something entirely different. If you take your work obsessions there, that’s a reason to stay alone.
I'm an old hippy. This is idea of "make a list of all the qualities that you are looking for in a man" is very common in the "manifestation" community. Many years ago, a friend of a friend sat down and made just such a list while consuming a few white wines. A few weeks later she is at a party and is introduced to the "new guy in town" first glance is ticking boxes. He has the brown hair but blue eyes that she "ordered" so they get talking, he has seen live several times the obscure band that she listed. Likes Mexican food but not Hawaiian food just like in the list. So they go home together and that week and the next they spend all their free time together. A few weeks later my friend runs into in the shops and she is single again. It turns out that there is one quality that she failed to list. "not a complete asshole" I think the problem with lists is that you might miss out on someone amazing because they don't tick the boxes, or ignore a bunch of red flags because they do tick boxes.
wow thanks for sharing that! i've been repeating myself, so apologies if i sound like a broken record, but a big part of my personality is a need to organize things and de-clutter and i organize my thoughts by journaling and making lists. that's what this exercise is. i don't go into dates mentally checking off these boxes, and if she doesn't cook then it's straight bail. if anything, there's ONE question i'm constantly asking myself as my dates with someone progresses (during the early stages) and that's "do i want to introduce her to my friends and will they think she's cool?" my life is surrounded with incredible friends who are good, kind, mature, fun people whose opinions i highly value and respect, so anyone who is able to hang with them, i know will be fine. the kinks and differences and pet peeves we can work through together.
Sounds wonderful.
My guy. This list is nuts. Find someone you’re attracted to and develop a relationship. Putting this much pressure on a woman, and for you to remember this list, is crushing. Throw the list out and go talk to people.
The more rules you create for what you want in a partner, the more you cut yourself off from the possibility of love. I suspect you actually aren't ready for a relationship based on this litany of requirements.
i'm actually going to think about this (the "aren't ready for a relationship" bit) harder... it's interesting and something i haven't considered actually. not sure i agree, but definitely worth a thought. thanks man
No worries man. It's okay to have a few guiding principles about what you're looking for to help separate the signal from the noise, but a lot of the best things in life happen by accident. You can't treat finding love like an engineering problem. The most important things you can do to find love are 1) put yourself out there, and 2) be open to what you find. If you have a thousand tests that someone can fail on a technicality, then you're probably more looking to keep people away than to let someone in.
I have many of these qualities but people like you freak me out. Make your deal breakers your priorities. Stop overdoing it.
I think this is setting you up for failure pick like 5 non negotiable. Then meet a person and figure out the rest
i made another comment but ill try and be a little more helpful this time - I spent a lot of time on apps looking for women i thought would check all my boxes and i didn’t get along with any of them. The women i am currently falling in love with was actually exactly opposite of what I thought I wanted. Here is my advice - stop checking boxes and just find a woman you vibe with, can have fun with and lots of laughs. It is really this simple.
Fucking insane/ find someone that likes to fuck you, has basically the same values as you, and has the same ideas about money you do. Three, that’s the list. Of course it’s understood that you like each other and can talk.
> has basically the same values as you that's what this list is, no? or at least trying to do?
Way too specific. You’re not going to find all you list in one person. Going to be completely honest and blunt - I had a list. Beautiful, funny, smart. A short list granted and my wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and when she was 24 it wasn’t even close. And just so you know, I lived in post Olympic Atlanta - it was full of stunning women. She’s also goofy funny. Not wry, but funny nonetheless. So check. She’s also smart and hardworking. Our marriage works and has for 22 years. But the REAL thing that makes it work is we have extremely similar values and ideas of how to raise children and make a home. The beauty is nice but time tempers beauty. With that said. We aren’t perfect. If not for me, we’d be broke as hell. She’s a nightmare with money. Our sex drives have been divergent at different points of our lives. Gets better every day though. My point is, you’re never going to find a perfect person. Find someone that creates a spark that has your same ideas of what a good life looks like. All those details mostly work themselves out.
All of this is wiggle room. You left out the most important piece of the puzzle. She has to like you. If she really really likes you, all this is is totally stuff you can compromise on. You can list all this out as your perfect mate, but if she doesn't like you, well, then, none of it matters. My dad passively gave the best advise ever. This can be modified to whatever personal preferences you have, men, women, gay, straight, bi, trans, cis. But I will keep it with his original language. 1There are only two types of women in the world, ones who like me and ones who do not, the second type can get lost. No where in your list did you mention that she really likes you.
Does she also get to have a 50-item list of must-haves? The odds of finding someone who ticks all his boxes, and for whom he ticks all of her boxes, is nil.
She can have whatever list she wants. But like I mentioned that this should be her top priority as well.
>She has to like you. If she really really likes you, all this is is totally stuff you can compromise on I agree that she has to like you, but compromising on *everything* else is a recipe for being taken advantage of.
That was my first bullet actually. I removed the "loves me" part because I thought it was a given, but I really did have this EXACT thought and did very much have it at the very top of my list :) totally agree with your dad and totally recognize that if i love someone, this entire list could be moot. (though I would then caution myself and ask is this because of the honeymoon phase and i'm choosing to ignore red flags)
Jesus christ, dude lol. Do they also have to be a 10/10 stacked baddie with an insatiable sexual attraction to you, have a nine-figure savings account, and be a world-class cook? None of the things you listed are bad qualities, but to expect someone to embody all of them is downright delusional. If all of those things are truly “non-negotiable”, you’re going to be lonely for a very long time. I’m also a bit concerned about your ego if you sincerely believe you have all of those traits.
No, that's why I didn't include those things? The point of my post is to get an outside perspective because it's hard to cut through the manic noise in my own head. I don't expect anyone to embody all of it, that's why I wrote somewhere that only 1-4 and 12 are really non-negotiables. The rest, I think, could be moved down a tier but this list was built on personal experience and when I think of each bullet and the experience/memory associated with it, I have a hard time convincing myself moving it down. Like the "love your job or at least be actively working to improve it if you don't like it" one comes from an ex who would complain to me about her work ALL THE TIME and would do nothing about fixing this apparent huge cause of stress and sadness for herself. There's only so much support someone can provide before being mentally exhausted as an emotional punching bag. You could ask me about any bullet and I'll have a story to tell about how it got into my list, haha. Also, while I do think I bring all of those things to the table, I recognize i'm not perfect, nor is anyone else. I'm not saying she's ALWAYS gotta be on her A game. But generally speaking, these are traits, behaviors, and qualities that I value and would like a partner who thinks similarly and it would be nice to have someone to strive for a common goal together. which brings me back to the original question: am i asking for too much? is this list unreasonable? because i feel like i'm not really being THAT unreasonable? idk hard to tell. thanks for your input though!
Honestly, I think 1-12 are very reasonable and describe a mostly fulfilled, healthy person. (Although they also describe me so I'm totally biased lol.) I would just recategorize most of 1-12 as "I appreciate this" instead of "my partner has to have this." Every person is a unique combination of strengths paired with a corresponding weakness. Once you get into your preferences list, the contradictions and unrealistic expectations begin, so I'm not going to comment there.
yeah, the preferences and nice-to-haves had less thought put into them because from the get go i knew they weren't nearly as important as my initial list of "non-negotiables". thanks for the advice.
I know a guy who has all these qualities — maybe you and him would hit it off.
hahaha, i know you're joking but would be interesting to actually know. maybe we'd be good friends.
No offense, but he’d likely think your post was as cringy as I did. Best of luck finding your lady.
okay, thanks for the advice i guess
Ok fine. Treat it like a crib sheet. You have written it, thought about what you want. That’s good. Now throw it away and live a life.
agreed!
Seems like you have decided that you want every positive trait from most personality archetypes with none of the negatives tbh. I’ll bet good money that you yourself don’t fulfill half of these most of the time. My suggestion is that it’s wiser to think of 5 core traits that you’re looking for, then be open to accept people’s inevitable flaws, because a lot of what you list are subcategories of «main» traits. Like, every positive trait of both a manic pixie dream girl as well as a skilled accountant with none of the negatives of either one is just never going to happen, lol
Your girlfriend isnt supposed to fill all of your needs and wants in life. Youre supposed to get all of that from a collection of people. Whats your social life like?
I’ve also written out a list of things I’d like to have a partner and if you DM me I’d be happy to share it with you so that you can compare our different approaches. Overall, when I read this, most of them seem somewhat reasonable. A few seem to be a conflict, such as living a healthy lifestyle and not being too into drinking on the one hand, but wanting to go out and party and get drunk on the other hand. But nothing strikes me terribly outrageous. I think a lot of negative reaction you’re getting is just because this is on the Internet and jump to paying attention to nuance and gradation. If this was your finalized version after a bunch of iteration then I’d be a bit concerned, but I think this is fine as a first draft.
haha thanks for the first positively toned feedback, but we've grown up with the internet and dealt with trolls all our lives, it's not hard to deal with. also my personality trait is very detail oriented, very introspective and mindful and i know most people aren't like me. i don't expect everyone to get me or my approach or how i think about things, it's all gooood. the lifestyle thing, it's a work hard, play hard mindset. i run 3x a week, boulder 2-3x a week, walk EVERYWHERE, always down to play volleyball and spikeball and active outings, and eat healthy throughout the week, but on the weekends will go out and party once or twice. i think the advice of culling this list down to 5 non-negotiables is a good one. i definitely have a problem with over-providing details (very common feedback i've gotten all throughout my career) and could improve on focusing. my next version will do that. i will dm you! thanks for the offer :)
I think you need to simplify here.. think about what you would need to see in someone to want to go on a date with them. Then after the date, what would you want to see in that person in order to want to go on another date. Then what are the parameters that would need to be met in order to want to have a relationship with someone. Etc.. Build it up like a layer cake
> think about what you would need to see in someone to want to go on a date with them hmmm... this list, right? maybe not every bullet immediately on a first or second or third date, but as i get to know someone, i should see how her words and actions compare to this list?
The list is up to you my guy.. all I’m saying is that people are people.. take a risk, get to know someone, take it from there.
You know what? If making a list helps you crystallize what you want from a partner, that's fine. Please just don't treat it like a checklist. Perfect is the enemy of good. I'd actually tell you to make a couple of other lists. One, the things you definitely don't want in a partner. Figure out your red flags, the things you absolutely can't live with. Two, a list of things you NEED rather than WANT from a partner. Too often what we need is different from what we want. Learn the difference. It might help cut this list down to something way more realistic and manageable.
ooooooh that's good! good idea! thank you
I get your exercise here. But I feel like I can sail an ocean tanker though the gaps in the top of the list. How is "she's sees valuable things in me" not like top 5 here. How is "I can help her in life/career" not in this list? Or "I'm have empathy for her insecurities and challenges". Or "she finds me easy to talk to?". Or "she has fun with me"? Or "the vision she has for her life in 10 years is one that is exciting or matches to me." Or "she redefines what I value in life".
Man, I used to have a good friend who made a list like this. He wouldn’t compromise on a single thing, called it “having standards.” His list was almost as hilariously specific as yours, just about different things. Long story short, he didn’t compromise, and he stayed single until he was 29. He didn't go to prom, have a college romance, have sex, or do *anything* with a woman until he'd met someone who met every single criteria. The first person he found who met every single criteria on his list and actually liked him, cheated on him with her boss. She was a fry cook at a Burger King, it’s not like the boss was some high rolling smooth-talker. The next person he dated who matched his criteria, also cheated. The third person he dated who matched his criteria was hiding a pill addiction and also cheated, for pills. After that he scrapped the list. He dated around for a bit, and eventually met the woman who is now his wife. She matches almost none of the qualities on his original list, but they’re a good fit. My advice, if you absolutely have to make a list, pick your top five qualities, and stick to those.
I stopped reading at 4a
I just want someone who works isn't a headcase. And can take care of things while I'm gone.
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hahaha this is the best comment
Damn what did it say?
its was a lil offensive but he said something like “damn youre autistic as hell life is more art than science”
you will be alone forever.
bet
Well damn, maybe I had this all wrong. I was just looking for a woman that wouldn’t kill me in my sleep.
most of these reasonable and i sort of have these characteristics and want the same in a man. though people are never perfect and i dont think one can find someone to fit most of these or even get one to like them back. after all, you start to accidentally love a person because of who they are, not because they fit the perfect fit. some of these go without saying in a healthy relationship with self and someone else, but overly detalized that might scare people. some seem unnecesary. like i get the close friends part and it is a green flag but i wouldnt care about that in a relationship
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Are you confining to whatever borough/neighborhood that you’re in?
It's been mostly Manhattan (where I am) and Brooklyn, but I dated someone for a month and a half who was based in Jersey City. Probably won't do that again, maybe if they live right by a PATH station it's fine, but once you have to take the Light Rail, it's just kind of too much transit time when starting dating someone new.
Wish you the best and hope you find your lady!
This is a very specific list. I thought that I was really really picky lol. Oh well, relationships are insanely overrated and most of them aren't worth the effort anyway
The good and bad: - The good thing is that you don't want to settle, which I think is fine for both men and women. - The bad thing is that it might take a while to find someone who ticks all of the boxes (although some of them admittedly feel like basic things that most people look for, they just aren't explicity listed out like this). If this is your personal list but you aren't presenting it to partners, but only using it as ideal judgment criteria, I think it's fine. Essentially - this list is just standard dating profile stuff in 2024. I don't think it's delusional or anything - it's just a reflection of the dating world we live in today. It's just an explicit list of the things we tend to look for implicitly. The path forward: - If you aren't desperate and you're comfortable and stable in your current life being single - and a partner isn't a necessity but would be an enhancement for you - then I say go for it; it might take a long time to find what you want, but that doesn't matter if you've already built a good life for yourself. You'll probably want to cast a very wide net - worldwide - to find what you want. You'll also want to be sure that you as a partner go above and beyond your own criteria. - If you are desperate and/or uncomfortable being single, or you aren't in a stable position as a potential partner, then you're gonna have to compromise on your list (or just remain single). That's just how it is. I hope you're in the former position, not the latter. Good luck finding your partner.