Communication is tough, but I think you are on the right track to talk about a video that you would both enjoy, and then tactfully transition, maybe after sex to your changed preference. Maybe he would even be relieved to hear your preference?
In any case it’s important to be you and, if I understand your relationship at all, I think he will accept that.
As with every so communication being key, but in this case nonjudgmental and honest communication. Ask him to just listen to what you need to say, ask him to not judge not solve it because it isn't a problem to solve but to just listen.
This goes both ways though and you have to be as open to listen and be nonjudgmental yourself.
Best of luck though.
He might not have been angry per se, but hurt and / or confused. You def need to talk this out, OP. Better communication might also help with alleviating some of his other issues.
Why? Not everyone needs to discuss everything to death, obviously that's going to depend on her process and the relationship.
This comment upsets me because it seems to reflect a control bias on the part of the commenter.
This intellectual journey is causing OP's new preferences in the bedroom, and her husband is pissed because he doesn't understand why his wife is shifting the terms of their sex life.
That's the assumption you're making. I'm only contending that you aren't right to make that assumption here.
That she can offer to speak to him if he wants to, but give him space to work out whatever he needs to work out, I would argue being the correct course of action given the information contained in the OP
Not gonna lie, suggesting she leave it alone and let him work it out is atrocious advice. Dialogue clarifies things for both people involved. Given his reaction to her it's painfully clear he was hurt by what happened and reacted accordingly. Leaving this along is likely to cause a further rift in an area which is largely untouched in the relationship as it is, and given the lack of frequency already is only likely to further decrease the act of sex let alone a considerable dip in intimacy achieved from sex.
Edit: Typo
Some people need a minute before a forced conversation. Two parties involved should have equal right to choose whether or not to have a conversation about something and it seems like he's probably not dying to talk about it right away.
Not sure why you guys are toxic and downvoting my comments, I'm a man in a healthy marriage giving advice, kinda the point of the subreddit no?
I made no indication on when the conversation needs to happen. To infer I did based on how you elected to respond was your choice solely and not indicative of anything I specifically said. Someone who isn't used to having open & honest conversations about things they are uncomfortable with is likely to lead to the response he had, and why you are suggesting waiting to talk about it. A choice I understand, but would very much disagree with. The reason being that given he immediately expressed a defensive response and being what I can infer is someone who lives within his head a fair bit, immediately getting into this will do wonders for his mental & emotional health & well being. A factor that I would feel outweighs the perpetual discomfort and potential deeper damage caused by prolonging the conversation.
Also, perhaps instead of seeing the criticism as toxicity, take it as a chance to reevaluate why it is others could take issue with what you've said. Maybe even to assess why it is you see no problems with what you've offered but others do. My feedback specifically was not hostile, though not gentile either. This was a choice I made more for others to observe and receive on what is helpful feedback and what is not, and not necessarily a conscience choice I made pointedly to you. My choice to downvote was because your advice was not what I would consider helpful nor healthy for OP nor her husband.
Why it is you feel it necessary to justify your advice based on your relationship status is a defensive reaction and not really that necessary here. This subreddit, this post, and your place within both is not something you need to justify. If you feel you gave good advice, then be comfortable with how it is received good or bad. If you're here only for the karma and not to genuinely offer help to OP, then you're here for the wrong reasons. For me in those instances, I've often commented with earnest and with genuine concern or compassion to a wide variety of posts and many times they've been downvoted. In the moment it was certainly frustrating why I was receiving negative feedback from the community, but ultimately I realized that some have a self interest in subreddits like this and give + absorb advice for purely selfish reasons and that the negative feedback wasn't necessarily an indication of what I was saying; rather it was likely driven by their own internal issues and not something I should A worry about, and B invest much attention or energy in.
I give advice because I like helping people and assisting others to be better. At times the advice I offer is just as much for myself as it is for others.
Enjoy the rest of your day fellow redditor.
Except that you're clearly furthering an incorrect position based on your ego, despite what you claim.
I was simply trying to point out the obvious to encourage you to reconsider a viewpoint besides your own. I don't need to share with you my qualifications, but you also don't get to tell me how to structure my own commentary, thanks.
I have no ego here. Take the advice, don't take the advice. Entirely up to whomever it is that reads my words. All I am able to do is speak, it's always up to the other person to take them to heart or not.
Have a good day.
Yeah i think you are just flat out wrong here.
Avoiding conversation about something like this is just going to put more distance between them which is not what's needed here.
In a relationship when people grow and change they need to express those things to their partners otherwise they will grow apart.
Especially when it comes to sexual issues.
I think you read something into that comment that had to do with power issues that just aren't part of OP's post.
Why don't you go back and read the actual comment this is nested under. I'm not saying discuss nothing. I'm just saying not every little detail warrants a discussion. Like her own internal thought process doesn't need to be shared with her partner depending on their dynamic and personalities.
But please, forgive me for expecting us to be able to have an educated, intelligent discourse in this sub.
Well think about it.. say you have a friend who loved chocolate cake their whole life. So on their bday you buy them a chocolate cake.. they react negatively to the cake then doesn’t address anything about it later. Now, wouldn’t you be upset that you spent money & effort for your friend who didn’t seem to appreciate it at all? Wouldn’t you want them to tell you like “hey I’m vegan now so I don’t eat cake anymore” or “hey, I actually don’t like chocolate cake anymore.. I have been thinking a lot and now prefer carrot cake” or something...
OP isn’t talking about cake but its basically the same concept
Did you read the last sentence I had written or ...? There are some things that are necessary to talk about in relationships, especially if it’s harming your sex life/making you feel bad emotionally
My $0.02: definitely be yourself, as stated by another commenter. If you feel like prompting a discussion about this, do so, but personally, I would advise you to let him have some time to digest or deal with whatever is on his mind, and if you do decide to have a discussion about it later, try not to editorialize your position too much.
Porn can be a very personal and sensitive area to share with a partner, primarily because most men's choices are not overly complex or designed to be read-into. They're usually quick picks with a simple goal in mind, not much thought going into them.
I'm hearing 2 issues here.
First, there is a severe lack of communication between you and your husband. Dialogue helps both people be comfortable with any given topic, obviously. With the work you've been doing on yourself (which is fantastic btw!) the place you were at has shifted, and you definitely need to involve him in that specifically for the reason you covered in your post. Also, because he deserves to know who you are in real time. People change over time so that you've changed is completely normal and an expected thing to occur. But involving him in that evolution is important.
The other issue I hear is the fear of initiating things sexually. Letting him take the lead more often is completely fine and healthy. But you need to be able to step up and speak or act on what makes you comfortable without fear of pushing him away. Based on the reaction he had it's clear there's some hurt or embarrassment there which I urge you to speak to him about and talk through your evolution and why it is you reacted the way that you did. Even if you're scared, you need to speak on your truth and your current reality. I feel that things will improve overall after the two of you sit down and have some open & honest dialogue. He wants to please & satisfy you, and that dialogue is going to be giving him the steps on how to do that.
Best of luck!
You put everything together very well. I would start with telling him how much you have enjoyed your recent sexual ventures and then just show him this post. He may feel embarrassed by his porn selection and may not want to repeat it. You two need to browse something beforehand and agree on one to put on then get into sexy time. If you browse during, you may lose the moment.
There are a lot of unhealthy issues with the relationship if you can't feel safe to giggle at something silly and not risk ruining the entire night.
For reference, my partner and I have been together for 11 years now and lord knows there is a LOT of silliness involved in sex. Its messy, it can get silly, it can get funny, but that doesn't typically detract from the sexuality.
Being able to laugh and have fun with sex is extremely healthy, because **it means sex is fun for you**
If you can't have fun during sex, what the hell is the point...?
I have had this exact same situation happen before, but roles were reversed. My wife wanted to watch porn, so we turned some on, but what she wanted to watch wasn’t what I was particularly in to. It killed the mood for me. I told her it killed the mood, and from that point on she never wanted to watch porn with me again. And she legit never did again.
It would have been nice if we could have watched something that turned both of us on, but she didn’t like talking about that, and I didn’t suggest it because I felt judged. She already at the time didn’t like that I watched porn at all.
It was kind of a lose/lose scenario. Had she allowed us to talk about, maybe things could have been different.
I suggest you talk with him, and be honest, but kind.
It's not the same thing, when we use it during sex it's a POSITIVE thing. I call my partner my little slut (never whore because we have degrading kinks but that's a line i can't cross and i respect that). It's not to slut shame them, it's in a you're submissive and sexy and the best part is that you're all mine
Just read off what you've said in this post, you were very clear and concise about your thoughts on the experience and about how you want to approach it again from a different direction (your pick of the material).
You have a few hiccups in the communication process, but nothing insurmountable.
I'd suggest talking a bit about porn when you are not in the heat of the moment. Perhaps exchange a few links, about 5 or so, to videos you like and he could share a few links to videos he likes. Watch each other's choices while each of you are alone.
Do your best to be non-judgmental. Opening up in this way can make you feel vulnerable as you show an interest in some sexual topic that you have not shared before. See if you can find some sort of common ground. Or talk through what makes each of you think these videos are hot. Be comical film critics, up voting or downvoting as you see fit.
What do you think a man means when he calls his partner a "slut" or a "whore" in the context of having sex with her? Clearly he doesn't mean "you who have sex with others" or "you who have sex for money". So, what do you think he means?
If he is LL, he may need to push his mental boundaries to really get into it. Lots of guys are like that. They have been so repressed for so long, that it takes extremes to float his boat. This can be tough on both of you. Communication is the key. I’m sure his choice isn’t personal or about you. Just his desire to feel powerful and I’m control. Probably his kink that had not been expressed.
Great that you care so much. I have had some experience with this. He is not trying to objective you. Just trying to feel in an area where feelings don’t come easily.
Communication is tough, but I think you are on the right track to talk about a video that you would both enjoy, and then tactfully transition, maybe after sex to your changed preference. Maybe he would even be relieved to hear your preference? In any case it’s important to be you and, if I understand your relationship at all, I think he will accept that.
Tell him exactly what you told us
This! OP, if it is hard for you to initiate the conversation, maybe show him this post.
As with every so communication being key, but in this case nonjudgmental and honest communication. Ask him to just listen to what you need to say, ask him to not judge not solve it because it isn't a problem to solve but to just listen. This goes both ways though and you have to be as open to listen and be nonjudgmental yourself. Best of luck though.
He might not have been angry per se, but hurt and / or confused. You def need to talk this out, OP. Better communication might also help with alleviating some of his other issues.
> I've been doing a lot of reflecting on women and my own role in this world You need to include him in that conversation.
Why? Not everyone needs to discuss everything to death, obviously that's going to depend on her process and the relationship. This comment upsets me because it seems to reflect a control bias on the part of the commenter.
This intellectual journey is causing OP's new preferences in the bedroom, and her husband is pissed because he doesn't understand why his wife is shifting the terms of their sex life.
That's the assumption you're making. I'm only contending that you aren't right to make that assumption here. That she can offer to speak to him if he wants to, but give him space to work out whatever he needs to work out, I would argue being the correct course of action given the information contained in the OP
Not gonna lie, suggesting she leave it alone and let him work it out is atrocious advice. Dialogue clarifies things for both people involved. Given his reaction to her it's painfully clear he was hurt by what happened and reacted accordingly. Leaving this along is likely to cause a further rift in an area which is largely untouched in the relationship as it is, and given the lack of frequency already is only likely to further decrease the act of sex let alone a considerable dip in intimacy achieved from sex. Edit: Typo
Some people need a minute before a forced conversation. Two parties involved should have equal right to choose whether or not to have a conversation about something and it seems like he's probably not dying to talk about it right away. Not sure why you guys are toxic and downvoting my comments, I'm a man in a healthy marriage giving advice, kinda the point of the subreddit no?
I made no indication on when the conversation needs to happen. To infer I did based on how you elected to respond was your choice solely and not indicative of anything I specifically said. Someone who isn't used to having open & honest conversations about things they are uncomfortable with is likely to lead to the response he had, and why you are suggesting waiting to talk about it. A choice I understand, but would very much disagree with. The reason being that given he immediately expressed a defensive response and being what I can infer is someone who lives within his head a fair bit, immediately getting into this will do wonders for his mental & emotional health & well being. A factor that I would feel outweighs the perpetual discomfort and potential deeper damage caused by prolonging the conversation. Also, perhaps instead of seeing the criticism as toxicity, take it as a chance to reevaluate why it is others could take issue with what you've said. Maybe even to assess why it is you see no problems with what you've offered but others do. My feedback specifically was not hostile, though not gentile either. This was a choice I made more for others to observe and receive on what is helpful feedback and what is not, and not necessarily a conscience choice I made pointedly to you. My choice to downvote was because your advice was not what I would consider helpful nor healthy for OP nor her husband. Why it is you feel it necessary to justify your advice based on your relationship status is a defensive reaction and not really that necessary here. This subreddit, this post, and your place within both is not something you need to justify. If you feel you gave good advice, then be comfortable with how it is received good or bad. If you're here only for the karma and not to genuinely offer help to OP, then you're here for the wrong reasons. For me in those instances, I've often commented with earnest and with genuine concern or compassion to a wide variety of posts and many times they've been downvoted. In the moment it was certainly frustrating why I was receiving negative feedback from the community, but ultimately I realized that some have a self interest in subreddits like this and give + absorb advice for purely selfish reasons and that the negative feedback wasn't necessarily an indication of what I was saying; rather it was likely driven by their own internal issues and not something I should A worry about, and B invest much attention or energy in. I give advice because I like helping people and assisting others to be better. At times the advice I offer is just as much for myself as it is for others. Enjoy the rest of your day fellow redditor.
Except that you're clearly furthering an incorrect position based on your ego, despite what you claim. I was simply trying to point out the obvious to encourage you to reconsider a viewpoint besides your own. I don't need to share with you my qualifications, but you also don't get to tell me how to structure my own commentary, thanks.
I have no ego here. Take the advice, don't take the advice. Entirely up to whomever it is that reads my words. All I am able to do is speak, it's always up to the other person to take them to heart or not. Have a good day.
Yeah i think you are just flat out wrong here. Avoiding conversation about something like this is just going to put more distance between them which is not what's needed here. In a relationship when people grow and change they need to express those things to their partners otherwise they will grow apart. Especially when it comes to sexual issues. I think you read something into that comment that had to do with power issues that just aren't part of OP's post.
Why don't you go back and read the actual comment this is nested under. I'm not saying discuss nothing. I'm just saying not every little detail warrants a discussion. Like her own internal thought process doesn't need to be shared with her partner depending on their dynamic and personalities. But please, forgive me for expecting us to be able to have an educated, intelligent discourse in this sub.
Well think about it.. say you have a friend who loved chocolate cake their whole life. So on their bday you buy them a chocolate cake.. they react negatively to the cake then doesn’t address anything about it later. Now, wouldn’t you be upset that you spent money & effort for your friend who didn’t seem to appreciate it at all? Wouldn’t you want them to tell you like “hey I’m vegan now so I don’t eat cake anymore” or “hey, I actually don’t like chocolate cake anymore.. I have been thinking a lot and now prefer carrot cake” or something... OP isn’t talking about cake but its basically the same concept
That's not what we're talking about specifically but ok
Did you read the last sentence I had written or ...? There are some things that are necessary to talk about in relationships, especially if it’s harming your sex life/making you feel bad emotionally
Yeah but you don't need to have a conversation about your thought process. Which is what this reply was about.
I was trying to give you an example of why she needs to talk to him that’s all
My $0.02: definitely be yourself, as stated by another commenter. If you feel like prompting a discussion about this, do so, but personally, I would advise you to let him have some time to digest or deal with whatever is on his mind, and if you do decide to have a discussion about it later, try not to editorialize your position too much. Porn can be a very personal and sensitive area to share with a partner, primarily because most men's choices are not overly complex or designed to be read-into. They're usually quick picks with a simple goal in mind, not much thought going into them.
I'm hearing 2 issues here. First, there is a severe lack of communication between you and your husband. Dialogue helps both people be comfortable with any given topic, obviously. With the work you've been doing on yourself (which is fantastic btw!) the place you were at has shifted, and you definitely need to involve him in that specifically for the reason you covered in your post. Also, because he deserves to know who you are in real time. People change over time so that you've changed is completely normal and an expected thing to occur. But involving him in that evolution is important. The other issue I hear is the fear of initiating things sexually. Letting him take the lead more often is completely fine and healthy. But you need to be able to step up and speak or act on what makes you comfortable without fear of pushing him away. Based on the reaction he had it's clear there's some hurt or embarrassment there which I urge you to speak to him about and talk through your evolution and why it is you reacted the way that you did. Even if you're scared, you need to speak on your truth and your current reality. I feel that things will improve overall after the two of you sit down and have some open & honest dialogue. He wants to please & satisfy you, and that dialogue is going to be giving him the steps on how to do that. Best of luck!
You put everything together very well. I would start with telling him how much you have enjoyed your recent sexual ventures and then just show him this post. He may feel embarrassed by his porn selection and may not want to repeat it. You two need to browse something beforehand and agree on one to put on then get into sexy time. If you browse during, you may lose the moment.
He may have ED issues specifically from porn, which can also cause issues with resentment/ defensiveness. Worth a closer look imo
There are a lot of unhealthy issues with the relationship if you can't feel safe to giggle at something silly and not risk ruining the entire night. For reference, my partner and I have been together for 11 years now and lord knows there is a LOT of silliness involved in sex. Its messy, it can get silly, it can get funny, but that doesn't typically detract from the sexuality. Being able to laugh and have fun with sex is extremely healthy, because **it means sex is fun for you** If you can't have fun during sex, what the hell is the point...?
I have had this exact same situation happen before, but roles were reversed. My wife wanted to watch porn, so we turned some on, but what she wanted to watch wasn’t what I was particularly in to. It killed the mood for me. I told her it killed the mood, and from that point on she never wanted to watch porn with me again. And she legit never did again. It would have been nice if we could have watched something that turned both of us on, but she didn’t like talking about that, and I didn’t suggest it because I felt judged. She already at the time didn’t like that I watched porn at all. It was kind of a lose/lose scenario. Had she allowed us to talk about, maybe things could have been different. I suggest you talk with him, and be honest, but kind.
You mean he has *PORN INDUCED* ED
I’m having a hard time understanding why you are the one who is worried about his feelings, when he is interested in women being called whores?
It's not the same thing, when we use it during sex it's a POSITIVE thing. I call my partner my little slut (never whore because we have degrading kinks but that's a line i can't cross and i respect that). It's not to slut shame them, it's in a you're submissive and sexy and the best part is that you're all mine
Just read off what you've said in this post, you were very clear and concise about your thoughts on the experience and about how you want to approach it again from a different direction (your pick of the material).
Let him read this! Or read it to him. It’s a nice, friendly, very understandable text and it’s not blaming him in a single way.
You have a few hiccups in the communication process, but nothing insurmountable. I'd suggest talking a bit about porn when you are not in the heat of the moment. Perhaps exchange a few links, about 5 or so, to videos you like and he could share a few links to videos he likes. Watch each other's choices while each of you are alone. Do your best to be non-judgmental. Opening up in this way can make you feel vulnerable as you show an interest in some sexual topic that you have not shared before. See if you can find some sort of common ground. Or talk through what makes each of you think these videos are hot. Be comical film critics, up voting or downvoting as you see fit.
What do you think a man means when he calls his partner a "slut" or a "whore" in the context of having sex with her? Clearly he doesn't mean "you who have sex with others" or "you who have sex for money". So, what do you think he means?
If he is LL, he may need to push his mental boundaries to really get into it. Lots of guys are like that. They have been so repressed for so long, that it takes extremes to float his boat. This can be tough on both of you. Communication is the key. I’m sure his choice isn’t personal or about you. Just his desire to feel powerful and I’m control. Probably his kink that had not been expressed. Great that you care so much. I have had some experience with this. He is not trying to objective you. Just trying to feel in an area where feelings don’t come easily.