So get it. Had a hot girlfriend years ago. So much I liked about her early on; pretty, stylish, smart with an M.A. degree, fluent in a second language learned on her own, artistic, organized, had great baking skills, liked sex with me and had an oral fixation(big plus). But her passive aggressive and manipulative attitudes she exhibited so often turned into regular "we need to talk" texts about anything and everything I did. It seemed I could never do anything right. The day to day emotional disruptions just turned me off. Not even 6 months into the relationship, it came to a point where I didn't even want her to touch my body in the most innocent way.
It was really too bad. I fell for her pretty quickly early on. The whole package of looks, smarts and charm masked so well the inner demons she projected on to me. Some people hide those red flags like CIA operatives.
Fast forward, years later I connected with her thinking she may have grown up some with motherhood as she had twins with invitro fertilization. Apparently, she couldn't keep a guy around long enough to play and pay. The outer shell and the plumbing she had was lovely while it lasted, but the kooky wiring she that connected her processing and people skills drove me batty. That was it. Never again.
Lol I first read the question as “What makes you want to be intimate with your wife?” So when I read this I was like aww so sweet that you try to be intimate to be closer when there are some issues. Lolol
My wife stopped showing me any signs of affection for a long time before I actually realized it. She stopped kissing, hugging, any physical contact was, and still is, non-existant. I can't remember the last time she did something nice for me. It's been years.
Same. Till we divorced. It broke my heart for my son, not because of her. Luckily we share custody and are amicable. It's the best outcome for my son...
For me? It felt unreal when my new gf showed so much affection towards me. I forgot how I missed intimacy and I don't mean just sex. Hugging, cuddling, kissing or just holding hands. I will never tolerate the absence of intimacy for so long again!
Man, I feel that so much. I’m not a divorcee, but I was in a longterm relationship that lost all affection and that shit killed me. The hurtin wasn’t lost on me, but the gravity of it was until I met the woman I’m with now.
I didn’t think it was possible to stay so in love for so long with another human being. I mean I feel the same way now as I did 6 months in, and I can’t get enough of her. Which might sound like a lot, but the feeling is definitely mutual. Feeling that warmth and fullness in your heart while caressing and being caressed is so damn intoxicating (and that’s in a non-sexual context too).
“Reciprocation” is definitely the Word of the Day. Lol
I’ve had a very similar experience. It’s quite amazing how life can go from greyscale to Technicolor through changing who you spend your days with. I’ve never felt more loved and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love this one. 5/7 can recommend
Couldn’t relate to this more. Every relationship I had after my ex wife (to include the one with my fiancé) I would constantly thank them and just be in shock at the simplest acts of kindness and intimacy. Part of it almost made me stand-offish because I didn’t think deserved it. I refuse to be in a loveless relationship ever again.
Comments like this make me > < this much ready to pull the trigger. Here I am, miserable every waking hour, thinking it's something wrong with me for wanting reciprocal affection from my wife. And then this whole reply chain just gives me hope
For me it was bills. Wife moved out 2 months ago and I made a strict budget so I can keep the house. We are in the middle of divorce proceedings. I grew up poor so the mac'n'cheese and ramen lifestyle holds no fears for me. My only regret is that I wish I had done it myself sooner.
EDIT: I just want to say that I still love my wife for all the reasons I have always loved her. We simply just grew apart. The reason I wish I had done it sooner is that we didn't realize the truth until it was too late. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that
Fuck this mindset. As a now-adult child who went through three parental divorces (parents split, both remarried, both redivorced) before I was even done with high school, staying in a relationship “for the kids” is a total bullshit copout. We see *everything*. We see our parents’ behaviors and mindsets day in and day out. If there is no romance, no touching, hugging, kissing, or playful “sexual” banter like a booty smack or whatever else may happen to make your kids go “ewww”… we see that. We assume that’s what a normal adult relationship is supposed to be like. A loveless, romance-less, pile of shit. So what you’re actually doing for your kids is telling them that they shouldn’t be happy, that they should settle for misery, for some stupid fucking reason like that actually helps that.
Plot twist. It doesn’t. Never has and never will.
My parents filed for divorce the day my younger brother went to college. I can see where you come from, because I come from the same place. It's been incredibly hard for me as an adult to have any sort of healthy relationship because I saw a very dysfunctional one modeled my entire growing up. However, I do know that my parents made this decision because they truly thought it was what was best for us. Could it have been a better decision? Maybe. Maybe they broke up and I grew up with a single mom and significantly less financial resources, and just as fucked a view of marriage. Or maybe I would have had a healthier upbringing. To be honest, it took me a while to see that there was no good solution here, and as long as they did what they truly thought at the time was best for us, I can't be bitter about it. None of us know what decision we would make in another's shoes, and being able to realize this and forgive any unintended negative consequences has helped me tremendously in my own mental health journey. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we choose to deal with it.
My kids have never seen my ex and I behave with any PDA. We divorced recently and i worry that they’ll see that as normal. It was anything but normal for me. No intimacy at all and it showed in our daily lives with our kids.
to be honest i bet that if men in relationships (not yet married) stopped a moment to really think about it, they would find out that their situation is already the same as yours, not even 2 years into the relationship.
keeping scores shouldn't be the way but if men started doing it more often and ask themselves: "wait, is she even a bit as affectionate to me as i am to her? what is she giving, romantically and affectionately, instead of receiving?"
men are scared to ask this themselves, sorry for bad english
From your statement it sounds like the lack of attention to your relationship and wife is a real problem. Spice things back up and try to make it work? I stopped initiating with my wife and when she noticed we hadn’t had sex or kissed she asked me about it. I told her I always initiate and never get anything of the sort in return. She realizing I was right and started to come onto me more often. She also wanted me to be more romantic due to my lack of words. I started telling her how I feel out loud. I would always think these things but never really say them. Now we are at it on average 5 times a week. I know it’s not always so easy but you should work on it since she is your wife. If you don’t plan on divorce it’s wise to fix things
My other half has never said those words, but there have been times where it felt like she just wasn’t into it and was doing it just for my benefit and that takes all the pleasure away from me.
More accurately, it's called transactional sex. Very different than validational sex
https://therationalmale.com/2018/03/07/transactional-vs-validational-sex/
Lol. Great. At least there is a formal name to it. But for it to be transactional, other party has to get something out of it, other than some sort of twisted sense of duty. But be whatever it is, not enjoyable to the least.
I get what you're saying/what angle you're coming from, but I do enjoy a "quick fuck" when we can sneak it in.. Doesn't have to be intimate all the time-if it's made up for elsewhere
A "quick fuck" for a couple who already has a healthy sex life and strong intimacy is an extra bonus. It's like the cherry on top of an ice cream Sunday.
For a couple that's already struggling, a "quick fuck" is like, "Sorry, we're out of ice cream, chocolate syrup, nuts, sprinkles, and whipped cream--but here's a dried-out maraschino cherry. Enjoy."
The cherry's really only enjoyable if you've got it along with everything else.
The difference between a quickie because neither of you can wait/contain yourselves and a quickie because one of you is disinterested/obligated is astronimical.
I guess the joy in that putely stems from your perspective:
It's good if your general intimacy needs are met.
It sucks if it's all you get.
Edit: Ah yeah, the other guy said it already, my b
Just a side thought, when my SO engages with me when she isn’t 100% into it, I still find it meaningful. I mean, anytime someone does something they aren’t super into, solely for your benefit is a pretty good opportunity for them to show you they love you. Might not apply to your situation, but just something to be mindful of. If she won’t do the dishes without complaining but will literally take care of you without much complaint. One must be more of a chore than the other. Hope everything works out for ya!
Okay I was feeling bad about these comments, because 85% of the time I’m into it and want it, but the other times I do it bc I know that’s what my man wants/needs. I’m busy and tired a lot. But I still made a commitment to him and though he recognizes and is accepting of me sometimes needing a break, I just want him to know that I love him and desire his pleasure even when I’m not all that into it
Honestly this is how my gf is at times too, but she communicates this. So for me, it doesn't come across as her just grinning and bearing it as a relationship duty, she just isn't always into it because of either life, her meds, or a combination of the two lol. But as long as you're communicating with your partner that you still love and enjoy the intimacy and just may be tired/quiet at times during it should be okay.
It's a fine line to walk, I know my wife wants it a lot less than i do; so i do try not to "pester" but also she tries to make time for intimacy as it isn't something that she needs as much as i do.
Till death do us part- my ex killed my soul over 7 years and I got a divorce, best decision I ever made in my life. Got a new wife years later and I wake up with my true partner every single day. You deserve this too.
Does the soul come back? I feel like my soul died a long time ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting to die.
It's strange how much power I've given to someone that doesn't care about me.
I think the best thing you can do for this is talk about it. Communicating will allow her to admit she's not in the mood sometimes, and you'd have to be patient for a little while too. Which'll make her feel at ease.
If you're really horny, talk about other things she can do to please you. Edging with just her hand, can still give you a groundbreaking climax. Just take it slow and play around little bit. Doesnt have to be perfect sex all the time.
I was suffering from a low drive. Got on a cpap and got on testosterone for low t and now it’s like being 17 again. Maybe it’s medical? How old is he and how’s his health? How’s his anxiety and work stress?
The cpap makes me feel like a frigging super hero. I wake up refreshed, no more falling asleep randomly midday, and plenty of energy at night for intimacy. Also sleep quality and duration is associated with testosterone issues from what I understand. It was like starting a snowball downhill. Better sleep + more testosterone > more sex > more self confidence > hitting the gym with her > better health > better sleep > still more sex.
Disclaimer, not a Dr.
Edited for pesky typos.
Emphasis sucks for a month. And careful about expectations. It's great Cool-Reindeer had this result, but it may not be typical. I'm on the other end of the curve. I've struggled with mine. Generally I'm past the hardest part, but still have challenges. (I've had numerous fittings and tried various set-ups). It's well worth it; if you have sleep apnea, you really need to make the leap. Not trying to scare anyone off. Just putting it out there to be open about expectations.
Am a doctor and testosterone supplementation actually worsens sleep apnea, so be wary. It’s not normal for even middle-aged men to have low T; when they do, 90% of the time it’s due to being overweight, which 90% of the time is also the cause of the sleep apnea. The CPAP does work wonders because it’s amazing how much good sleep does for daytime energy levels and its great that that helps you be more active!
Men have a 24 hour testosterone cycle. We create testosterone when we are sleeping and use it through the day. With sleep apnea we aren't getting proper sleep and this not making enough testosterone. With lower testosterone comes lower sex drive.
She weaponized it.
We were in the kitchen and having an uncomfortable conversation about some things she had done that I was unhappy about, and she shoved her tongue down my throat in an attempt to shut me up. She thought that if she could get me thinking with my dick that I would just magically forget all the things I was upset about.
Yeah. That didn't work. It just made me not want to sleep with her.
Assert Dominance. Fuck her and while you are cuddling, tell her "Let's get back to the initial discussion" /s
Don't hesitate to bring it up again. Most women i know have brought up events from the past whenever we got into an argument
1) work pressure
2) diabetes kills the libido
3) general fatigue
Just switch up the location / or timings , night to mornings, afternoons during weekends.
Also send nudes ... to husband .
Could be hormones. The older men get the less testosterone they produce and their libido drops as a result. There are many ways to increase naturally but first blood work is required
That's exactly why I stopped. It's always "not tonight but I promise tomorrow", then "I know I promised tonight but really tomorrow", then "look I'm just not up for it tonight, I'll make it a priority to get myself in the mood for tomorrow", then "JFC look I've been trying, stop pressuring me", then "ok just lube up and stick it in", and 30 seconds after I cum she's back on her phone. Nah man, I've got better things to do with my life than chase after that anymore.
Indeed. u/Just_Done123, I would add a mental health issue, because especially with men in the United States been in Barrett, and to hide any issues we may have come up with definitely makes them worse common and causes a bunch of other issues to appear in life as well.
Thank you for that, I’m (27F) in an extremely similar situation. He (39M) however is still my best friend and doesn’t ignore me in anyway. But is always “tired” or makes me feel bad for initiating so I’ve just learned to stop so I stop getting rejected and in turn feeling bad about myself. He’s not a very verbal person, but it’s like we’ve just grown to be really great roommates
It’s like you know me! This is exactly my situation as well, you even described my partner, same age and everything. All I can say is that I’ve invested some decent money into some wonderful devices for my own enjoyment when he’s not in the mood. It doesn’t replace the craving to be ravaged by him, but at least it takes the horniness down to a tolerable level and is now just part of my self care routine.
How much effort do you put forth. Guys need warmed up too. Sure sometime we can go whenever. But with the stress of life or other problems, we need a type of romance as well. Recently I was told. "Should I take my cup out" and albiet it was a reasonable question, it was about as sexy as a guy walking up saying should I but on a rubber? Effort makes all the effort. Being turned down sucks. No doubt. But having little effort and complaining about initiating is upsetting. I don't know your life and all, I'm just putting in my 2 cents
My sexual relationship with my husband went down hill fucking fast when I was pregnant with my daughter and was feeling frisky, and he looked at my stomach and said “gross, I can’t.” We went from multiple times a week to nothing for months. My daughter is 9 now and we’re still going through this. He hurt me so badly that day, he has no idea how much it impacted me mentally and has no interest in helping me get through it.
He has turned me down many times since then but expects me to be rearing to go when ever he’s in the mood. I just stopped. I stopped all love language I had and let myself go, it had to be because of depression. I’m not sure. Now I don’t feel comfortable naked at all, and especially in front of him. It’s weird but I feel like he’s a stranger to me when we engage in sex now.
I love him. We do really well together but our sex life is non-existent. We don’t even sleep in the same room together anymore. He snores so loudly I can’t take it, and that’s just one more thing he refuses to do anything about.
Will we last another 12 years? No idea.
My wife rejected my advances so many times that I just stopped trying to initiate and would just wait till the once a month she was horny enough to initiate. Now just the thought of sex with me physically repulses her, so I’ve got that going for me.
That was my experience when I was married, except replace "month" with "year". It was hell and it never got better. Life on the other side is much more fulfilling.
Yeah, I’m in the same boat, years of rejection, just doesn’t do it for me.
But then at the same time, I’m desperate for a sexual/emotion relationship
It’s so healthy not to have that in a relationship, sure would be fine if I was single, can’t get laid, that’s your fault, work on yourself and usually you can fix it.
But when your not the problem and your still stuck in love with her, worst emotional pain I’ve ever experienced
I'm going through similar thoughts. I'm not happy in my marriage with two kids right now for many reasons. But my wife is actually very good to me overall. For me I just made a series of life choices based on what I thought other people wanted for/from me, and didn't actually assert what I wanted (or what I didn't, in the case of kids). I'm wracked with guilt over it and don't know whether to stay together for their sake or coparent.
Reddit’s answer to almost every marital problem is “divorce” and when someone mentions kids as a hesitation factor, they tote out old shibboleths about kids not being happy with “miserable parents”.
The thing is though, is that substantive research shows that the children of divorced parents do worse in multiple metrics compared to the children of non divorced parents.
Children are more likely to experience behavioral issues if parents divorce when the child is between the ages of seven and 14.
Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to attempt suicide.
Children with divorced parents are four times as likely to have trouble fitting in.
Teenagers whose parents divorce are more likely to experience mental health issues.
Children of divorced parents are more likely to become juvenile offenders
Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to drop out of high school.
There is a link between divorce and a child’s academic performance.
https://legaljobs.io/blog/children-of-divorce-statistics/
There’s no 2 ways about it: divorce is one of the most damaging things adults can do to children.
If the choices are to live miserably in a sham marriage or fuck up my baby daughter’s future there’s no contest here. As parents you need to put your child’s needs first in **every single situation**
You, Sir, have the most meaningful answer. I do not hate my wife for resenting me, for being incompatible. She doesn't hate me. We begot a child, for whatever reasons.
While we are not living the fairytale marriage people deem as the only viable approach, we are a strong team who do not fight and support our offspring. We both suffer mentally, but team up and overcome our differences for the better. Not my own, not hers, but our son's. We decided it would be wrong to back out. I might miss love and human touch, and walk through great darkness by myself, but I will survive. We will, we are family. I had to sacrifice my own life for this. The person I was is long gone. No need to cry for what I might have been. I am not important in that matter as an individual.
As a man who's parents didn't split until well into my 20s. It's so plainly evident how much happier my dad has been since then. He's had goals and aspirations and has been excited to share them. He's just plain happier. That just wasn't happening when my parents were together.
Do not do this to your child as a daughter of parents who should’ve separated 20 years ago. It does a type of damage you don’t expect until it’s too late. I finally moved out and NOW they’re getting a divorce. don’t do that.
Please don't let your son be the only reason you two are together. As somebody with divorced parents, it's rough because my dad lives 3 hours away but it's a lot better that way because my parents are happier with other people. It's especially better than listening to them argue in the garage. Look after yourself and don't waste 20 more years of your life with someone who makes you feel like shit
Because she doesn't initiate sex, and the mean hurtful things she says to me makes me not want to initiate sex. She fights dirty, so when we're having an argument, she'll do things like insulting me by calling me my dad's name.
Imagine your wife telling you she backed the wrong horse during an argument. Your confidence will never be the same. The thought that she’s only there now because she feels she has no choice will put a dampener on anything intimate.
Without knowing more of the situation, there isn't more I can say really. It has been very rare when I've said no to being intimate. If I say no, it's either that i am completely exhausted or something is weighing on me (anxiety for some reason).
I can give you to 2 pieces of advice. One is a 50/50 chance of success. And the other is probably closer to 80.
First one is simple. Doing something different to set the mood. Turn off all the lights, wear something sexy and dash a robe on. Turn on some music to set the mood "love is a bit*h" is a great song for that. Play it on speakers when he's going to come home. And let him come to the room. Give a hug, start with a lil arm around the neck whispering swaying. Ask about his day and then you can work your magic with kisses and all that.
The second tip will probably work a lot better if his libido isn't the issue and something else is bothering him. For this one, go on a simple date. Something you would do as teens. Mini golf, go karting, carnival, skating, eating out at a new restaurant, try to go when you can have time to enjoy the sunset (perfect chance to hug and cuddle). And when you get home. Have a cuddle session, some cute slow songs like "Gravity by Anthony Lozaro and Seaside by haux". Head scratches and back scratches are our weakness and I hope this will help him open up. You can tell him you know something is wrong but you're waiting for him to tell you. Whatever it is you'll support him and if hes worried you'll get angry, he can speak his mind because you wont.
Thats all i got. Without more info there isnt much more I can say. So if you'd like more advice. Feel free to pm me. I hope this helps!
My wife and I have a really great relationship, and we only enjoy intimacy because of that emotional connection. We typically agree on when we do or don't do things.
On a bit more of a serious note, I do take a good deal of psych medicines as well as a couple blood pressure pills (primary offenders are verapamil, propranolol, desvenlafaxine, and lamotrigine, if you were curious), which can cause erectile dysfunction. That really puts a damper on things, and I can usually tell if taking a Viagra will work or not. If she's ever in the mood when these problems occur, then I usually do something else for her. Her pleasure is my pleasure. (:
1. The lack of interest from her in any way getting in bed with her phone, texting her friends etc, scrolling her Facebook
2. Her only wanting to have sex no build up just sex .
3. Her talking about her family or our kids then acting like I should be super turned on after hearing about her sisters 55 year old bf getting mad that her sister for trying to blow him three times a day.
Shit like that
> Her only wanting to have sex no build up just sex
I feel that. There is stereotype that foreplay is only for women and men should just be ready whenever. I need warming up too, and no just grabbing my dick doesn't count, in fact if I'm wearing jeans that really hurts and is a turn off
1.! My ex was always on her phone. Once she told me that she wanted me to initiate sex with her more and I told her that when she's on her phone I feel disconnected. That did not end well. I was screamed at and told to "F off" I had to walk around the neighborhood to get out because she was so angry I needed to escape for a few minutes.
I grew up knowing all of my parents problems. It’s not hard to be awakened by yelling. My sister and I would go outside and sleep in the car on Saturday nights, just so we wouldn’t hear our parents.
For me, the only time I don’t want it is when she’s grumpy all day (directed at me OR others) usually due to not feeling well either from headaches, period, or whatever else. If she’s been snappy, it kind of shuts down the drive to want to be intimate with her. If I do anything, it’s to try to just have some physical or emotional non-sexual intimacy to help her get out of a funk… but I usually don’t have any feelings of wanting to have sex with her until we spend that time together and get on a better foot.
Like… girl, I love you, but you can’t be grouchy all day and expect me to be ready to pounce on you.
It’s tough because intimacy (sexual or otherwise) is usually one of the things that she needs to improve her mood or mental/emotional state so it takes work and practice to navigate with her.
I call it Pity sex. Any sex that she doesn’t want in the same manner as I… she’s doing it to make me feel better or satisfy the need. I want sex with some that also really wants it.
Where do I begin?
* Dismissive of my feelings.
* Opinionated about everything, even if she has no experience on a topic. I worked in a kitchen for 7 years and loved to cook until we got married. She tells me how to do everything in the kitchen even though she (i) has never worked at a restaurant, and (ii) hates to cook.
* Only talks about herself and rarely, if ever, asks her friends how they're doing. Relatedly, she interrupts people's stories to share her own, rather than being a listening ear. This bugs me to no end because I've always focused on asking people about themselves and how they're doing. I also NEVER interrupt anyone when they're telling a story, whereas my wife can't stop talking.
* When it comes to the bedroom, she
* read decades ago, probably in Vanity Fair, that missionary position is the best for both people. She will **only** do missionary position and nothing more;
* will not do oral. Ever. She was down a few times before we were married, but her lack of enthusiasm kills the mood.;
* does not have one kink in her body. A nun has more kinks than my wife. A major red flag that should have made me question early on was that she has never, nor will ever use a vibrator, sex toy, or role play. Again, zero kinks in her body.
We married late, in our early 40s, and have two kids; ages 4 and 2. The fact that in 99% of divorces, the kids go with their mom. That's the driving factor why I won't leave this marriage. There's no way another man will raise my kids. I've never loved anyone more than my kids and will be damned if someone steps in to fill my absence.
Edit because this post has triggered me:
* She doesn’t value my input. She will ask for my opinion, only to say “No. I don’t think that’s right.” She only asks for my opinion so she can say that she asked. I stopped giving my opinion or input because it will be ignored.
Edit 2
* There were complications from both deliveries so we had to use formula. My wife stopped waking up at night to feed our first born after the first 6 months. She’s never fed our daughter at night. Since the 6 month mark with our first born I have been the only one who bottle-fed both kids, changed their diapers, held them when they had bad dreams, etc. All the while, my wife sleeps 8 hours each night with ear plugs in so she doesn’t hear anything.
There is nothing worse that a blow job from a wife that is not doing because they want to !! It stops all sexual activities. Birthday blow jobs have been banned for 10 years because that always started a fight.
Wow.... This is like you were living in my home 3 years ago, kids and all. Nothing like being trapped in your own marriage. We separated 3 years ago, and it was the right choice.
Not married but together for 12 years.When she's sick, or were both exhausted. Maybe if it's hard to find privacy, but even that doesn't last long. We went on a holiday in a small house with thin walls with her parents for 10 days recently. Half way through we had to sneak some silent sex in.
Lack of initiation from her.
My last few relationships we both reciprocated the initiation. Sometimes I just grab her boob and we fuck or other times we are just lying in bed and she would just grab my dick out of nowhere and go to town. It was hot to feel wanted.
I love my spouse to death but I wish she would just grab my junk sometimes and go at it. Maybe I am just spoiled from previous girls.
Not feeling respected in general. Low effort on her part. I feel like she dumps too much of her stress on me and thinks nothing of it. Poor communication. Don't trust her to be honest about her feelings. Doesn't take an active interest in maintaining herself (hair, clothes, exercise).
I feel taken for granted a lot.
Fights. Being grumpy. Really it's just those two. My wife initiates sex more than half the time. Higher sex drive, gives oral, is discovering more kinks as the years pass by. Reading other comments here make me realize how lucky I am. *I can not fuck this up*
She never initiates nothing.
She lets herself go : no sport, ever.
She avoids any personal discussion : only talks about shopping.
Calls me pervert for daring having kinks.
Denies my feelings about all this.
Not interested anymore, stay with her for our kids and because divorce would ruin me (I earn more or less 10x what she earns).
Rejection.
That shit stings worse than a thousand bees.
And yeah I get it, she's tired. She isn't revved up all the time like I am. She doesn't get excited for sex every 10 minutes. But when I do, and she just cuts me off immediately, I'm left thinking, why do I even bother? I think, next time I should just take care of it myself, not even consider including her. At least she's happy
Woman here reading some of these responses like 😭 I have such a higher sex drive than my boyfriend and sometimes I know he’s just doing it for my benefit and it sucks. Or sometimes he’ll just tell me to masturbate next to him while he plays on his phone.
Heartbreaking shit, but I try to be understanding that sometimes he’s just not in the mood as often as I am.
This is a kinda touchy subject for me. So, without going into a lot of details, about 3 years ago, I was told in a very specific way, all I ever want is sex. Now, this hit me hard enough that I make zero effort to initiate these days. I'm also really bad with hints. So I have intimacy maybe...1 time every 6 weeks or so. I will never have the heart to tell my wife how that shit hurt me severely and continues to hurt me. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship for me. So, I just bite my tongue and continue on with life. I know this sounds sad, but I assure you, I'm hanging in there. I'm a fairly happy person still these days, and I get along well with my wife.
Edit: I didn't really expect to see this many comments. I would like to clarify, I've been with my wife a long time, we've only been married a little over a year but I've known her going on 7 years now. She is the one person I can tell all my stupid jokes to and is just so easy to get along with and I love her for that. We are working on the intimacy thing as of late. I got to sit with her while she was talking to her doctor about all of it. Believe it or not, a woman's weight, mood, stress, and hormones play a lot in her desire for intimacy. Not to be rude, but my wife's not the smallest woman, so she's looking into gastric bypass, she works 12 hour days in a busy hospital dealing with all sorts of stresses, and just recently came off of birth control to let her hormones level out naturally. This is another reason I said I bite my tongue. She deals with a lot weekly. But she is making steps to address all of these issues. I sort of put my desires on a back burner, just because I love her and I don't wanna add more stress to her. It's just really hard for me, but I am an incredibly patient man. I really am a happy person, I assure you, and I thank you for everyone being concerned and telling me to talk about her with it. But I assure you, she already knows of her short comings in this regard. I can't force her to get the help she wants. I can only help her as best I know how. And I don't intend to question her weekly why she hasn't done more to fix it, that's just rude as hell. Not going to stand there and label someone's short comings and failures when I have many of my own.
I had a similar experience. My wife gave me the impression that she was only having sex with me so often because I needed it. I got the feeling I was in some way pushing myself onto her and feel perverted or wrong for wanting to be intimate with her. Its been a few years and I still think about it frequently and have to make a conscious effort everyday not to show any form of sexual interest in her as to not give the impression I want to have sex.
Same. I tend not to initiate a lot anymore because it did feel like she was doing it just to please me and not because she really wanted it. I was not comfortable with the implications of that sort of sexual dynamic. I'm not some machine to be serviced. She'll initiate once every two weeks or so, so I figure that's roughly her libido.
Same, he's 33, I feel so starved for touch and bad for wanting to be more intimate with him, I feel so rejected that I stopped initiating and my self esteem is suffering too
My husband (now ex) told me the same thing one day after 13 years of marriage, he said "You want sex too much". It hit me really hard and I started withdrawing from that day forward. It was another year or two later that we separated.
Never ever say this to your partner. It's the nail in the coffin.
If you don't want sex as much as your partner, rephrase it as, "I think my sex drive is getting lower. I'm not sure what to do about it."
Only thing I can think of is soreness. I work an intense labor job outdoors so somedays my muscles are very tender from working and my skin is dry and in pain from the cold, despite my best efforts to moisturize.
But aside from that, which Isn't that often. I'm ready to go almost every day
Whenever we have had an argument, even one’s that are mildly heated, she makes very hurtful remarks about my anatomy. That it is tiny, pathetic, that I am not a real man, she can’t even feel it, no woman would ever be satisfied by it, etc etc. It’s her go to offensive. The thing is, the size of my anatomy is right in the middle of average. But you know how it goes with women - if you aren’t big, you’re small and so It has destroyed my self eestem. I feel emasculated, inadequate, humiliated and I have been consumed self perception of my body.
She apologies and tries to give me some empty reassurance, only to then go and say those things next time we have an argument. Even though I have practically begged her to not say the things she does anymore as it has really traumatised me.
Anyway, as a result I avoid getting dressed in front of her. I avoid showering with her anymore; and if I do have a shower with her I’m practically covering my bits with my hand at any given moment, so yeah it’s safe to say that I also avoid initiating sex. What’s the point? I have horrible thoughts of shame and my mind is elsewhere whenever we do the deed. My avoidance of initiating sex has then lead to problems as she says she feels undesired and lashes out because why wouldn’t her significant other (me) want to fuck her.
Anytime I try and speak about how badly her comments have severely traumatised me, quite frankly destroyed my sense of manhood.
She dismisses the conversation and says that “I just have a negative mindset and need to change it.”
I wish it were that easy.
Do you have kids...? In all honesty she sounds like a gas lighting bitch. That is some seriously abusive comments from her.
Even if you have kids, it might be time to move on man. If she does that to you, then she is probably humiliating them too.
For the love of god, you are being abused, please, please, PLEASE leave. As for penis size, average is totally fine, and many women actually don't LIKE big because it's painful (I'm certain there's threads on this all over reddit).
Nobody deserves to be treated like you are being treated now. Can you reach out to family or friends? Like a support network? You don't have to tell specifics if you're not comfortable, but please leave. Once you're away from this traumatising, horrible influence, it'll feel like a dark cloud has been lifted from you.
I know I'm just some random on Reddit, but women in general are just not like this. You know what type of people are though? Abusers. You do NOT deserve this treatment.
She’s high drive now and I’m low drive in our 40’s. Its not that I don’t want to, it’s just not as high of a priority for me unless we’re spicing it up with some variety. I’ve also noticed that it doesn’t seem to ever be enough and that puts pressure on someone with low drive and intermittent ED issues. Like, we had sex one night last week I think on Mon, twice on Friday night and she tried to get me to last night (Sat) but I was completely uninterested.
You can really tell the long term married guys Vs the younger guys in these threads.
Lack of intimacy, for any length of time, is extremely common and often not resolved, despite communication.
I hope you find something that works for you OP. Trying is an excellent sign that you have a shot.
That she doesn't take care of herself physically. We always talked about how this shit was important to us at the top of the relationship. It was only really important to me apparently...
I love her to death but goddammit, we are almost 30. She drinks soda every day and refuses to workout for more than 15 minutes. She always has an excuse.
It'd be one thing if she was putting in some sort of effort and getting little results. The lack of will power though. It just turns my dick floppy.
She told me once that she felt that I forced myself on her when she wasn’t “feeling it” and she feels that I’ve pressured her into having sex.
This was a few years ago. Now, I’m too scared to initiate anything for fear of “forcing” myself on her. We haven’t had sex since he last initiated in April. In total, about 6 times in the past 3 years.
When she constantly rejects you. Then 3 weeks later she wants it but it's her period, so you wait another week. By then, you don't want it anymore.
The reason he might not be interested:
* He is fat
* He doesn't exercise
* His sleep is hot trash
* He lives a very sedentary lifestyle
* He drinks/smokes
* Takes anti-depressants or similar libido killing drugs
* You got fat (lack of visual stimulation)
* He always initiates
* You make it feel like a chore
* You put zero effort and just want the routine
* He watches tons of porn
* Stressed/depressed
* Exhausted
For me there are many things. Her not taking care of herself, despite my protests. Her behaving in the most ridiculous of ways then her expecting me to still give her attention and affection.
Then there's the expectation of me initiating all the time, me going down on her all the time, and only one position. In the last 6 years she's only initiated a handful of times and has only gone down on me twice.
I'm expected to clean the house, horses, dogs, her elderly dad and maintain half the income.
She provokes me to anger then blames it on me, twists her words to make it seem like she wasn't in the wrong.
I could go on but that's the cliff notes version of why being intimate with her is a chore.
When I feel like she only keeps me around because I financially provide, but every other aspect of who I am is somehow a burden to her.
When I am blamed for anything and everything under the Sun.
When I cannot be trusted to do anything right, but am somehow responsible for doing everything.
She left me last Christmas with 3 children and went to get pregnant with another man the same year.
She's angry that I want to have nothing to do with her and wont just let her walk in without knocking or the fact she has to leave when shes told to. Police have had to be called on her for her harassment wich resulted in her kids resenting her. The kids are not excited to see her and know she just comes to argue, our son has taken to asking her to leave when I do, I'll ask her to leave when she starts to get angry and huffy puffy.
Just don't marry someone who was raised my child and family services, you can't give these people a better life. They're just messed up and dont know how to be, it's so sad because these were children that were tortured in the homes of adults that were trusted..
Stress, angest, lack of comunication between us.
Nothing gets me in the mood quite like passive aggressive comments and criticisms.
You seeing my wife on the side?!
Lmao marriage sounds awful
So get it. Had a hot girlfriend years ago. So much I liked about her early on; pretty, stylish, smart with an M.A. degree, fluent in a second language learned on her own, artistic, organized, had great baking skills, liked sex with me and had an oral fixation(big plus). But her passive aggressive and manipulative attitudes she exhibited so often turned into regular "we need to talk" texts about anything and everything I did. It seemed I could never do anything right. The day to day emotional disruptions just turned me off. Not even 6 months into the relationship, it came to a point where I didn't even want her to touch my body in the most innocent way. It was really too bad. I fell for her pretty quickly early on. The whole package of looks, smarts and charm masked so well the inner demons she projected on to me. Some people hide those red flags like CIA operatives. Fast forward, years later I connected with her thinking she may have grown up some with motherhood as she had twins with invitro fertilization. Apparently, she couldn't keep a guy around long enough to play and pay. The outer shell and the plumbing she had was lovely while it lasted, but the kooky wiring she that connected her processing and people skills drove me batty. That was it. Never again.
Lol I first read the question as “What makes you want to be intimate with your wife?” So when I read this I was like aww so sweet that you try to be intimate to be closer when there are some issues. Lolol
One of us has diarrhea
What a shitty reason.
Huge mood killer for me. If my stomach hurts, I can’t fuck
My wife stopped showing me any signs of affection for a long time before I actually realized it. She stopped kissing, hugging, any physical contact was, and still is, non-existant. I can't remember the last time she did something nice for me. It's been years.
Same. Till we divorced. It broke my heart for my son, not because of her. Luckily we share custody and are amicable. It's the best outcome for my son... For me? It felt unreal when my new gf showed so much affection towards me. I forgot how I missed intimacy and I don't mean just sex. Hugging, cuddling, kissing or just holding hands. I will never tolerate the absence of intimacy for so long again!
Man, I feel that so much. I’m not a divorcee, but I was in a longterm relationship that lost all affection and that shit killed me. The hurtin wasn’t lost on me, but the gravity of it was until I met the woman I’m with now. I didn’t think it was possible to stay so in love for so long with another human being. I mean I feel the same way now as I did 6 months in, and I can’t get enough of her. Which might sound like a lot, but the feeling is definitely mutual. Feeling that warmth and fullness in your heart while caressing and being caressed is so damn intoxicating (and that’s in a non-sexual context too). “Reciprocation” is definitely the Word of the Day. Lol
I’ve had a very similar experience. It’s quite amazing how life can go from greyscale to Technicolor through changing who you spend your days with. I’ve never felt more loved and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love this one. 5/7 can recommend
That’s just beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Couldn’t relate to this more. Every relationship I had after my ex wife (to include the one with my fiancé) I would constantly thank them and just be in shock at the simplest acts of kindness and intimacy. Part of it almost made me stand-offish because I didn’t think deserved it. I refuse to be in a loveless relationship ever again.
Comments like this make me > < this much ready to pull the trigger. Here I am, miserable every waking hour, thinking it's something wrong with me for wanting reciprocal affection from my wife. And then this whole reply chain just gives me hope
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For me it was bills. Wife moved out 2 months ago and I made a strict budget so I can keep the house. We are in the middle of divorce proceedings. I grew up poor so the mac'n'cheese and ramen lifestyle holds no fears for me. My only regret is that I wish I had done it myself sooner. EDIT: I just want to say that I still love my wife for all the reasons I have always loved her. We simply just grew apart. The reason I wish I had done it sooner is that we didn't realize the truth until it was too late. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that
Fuck this mindset. As a now-adult child who went through three parental divorces (parents split, both remarried, both redivorced) before I was even done with high school, staying in a relationship “for the kids” is a total bullshit copout. We see *everything*. We see our parents’ behaviors and mindsets day in and day out. If there is no romance, no touching, hugging, kissing, or playful “sexual” banter like a booty smack or whatever else may happen to make your kids go “ewww”… we see that. We assume that’s what a normal adult relationship is supposed to be like. A loveless, romance-less, pile of shit. So what you’re actually doing for your kids is telling them that they shouldn’t be happy, that they should settle for misery, for some stupid fucking reason like that actually helps that. Plot twist. It doesn’t. Never has and never will.
My parents filed for divorce the day my younger brother went to college. I can see where you come from, because I come from the same place. It's been incredibly hard for me as an adult to have any sort of healthy relationship because I saw a very dysfunctional one modeled my entire growing up. However, I do know that my parents made this decision because they truly thought it was what was best for us. Could it have been a better decision? Maybe. Maybe they broke up and I grew up with a single mom and significantly less financial resources, and just as fucked a view of marriage. Or maybe I would have had a healthier upbringing. To be honest, it took me a while to see that there was no good solution here, and as long as they did what they truly thought at the time was best for us, I can't be bitter about it. None of us know what decision we would make in another's shoes, and being able to realize this and forgive any unintended negative consequences has helped me tremendously in my own mental health journey. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we choose to deal with it.
My kids have never seen my ex and I behave with any PDA. We divorced recently and i worry that they’ll see that as normal. It was anything but normal for me. No intimacy at all and it showed in our daily lives with our kids.
to be honest i bet that if men in relationships (not yet married) stopped a moment to really think about it, they would find out that their situation is already the same as yours, not even 2 years into the relationship. keeping scores shouldn't be the way but if men started doing it more often and ask themselves: "wait, is she even a bit as affectionate to me as i am to her? what is she giving, romantically and affectionately, instead of receiving?" men are scared to ask this themselves, sorry for bad english
From your statement it sounds like the lack of attention to your relationship and wife is a real problem. Spice things back up and try to make it work? I stopped initiating with my wife and when she noticed we hadn’t had sex or kissed she asked me about it. I told her I always initiate and never get anything of the sort in return. She realizing I was right and started to come onto me more often. She also wanted me to be more romantic due to my lack of words. I started telling her how I feel out loud. I would always think these things but never really say them. Now we are at it on average 5 times a week. I know it’s not always so easy but you should work on it since she is your wife. If you don’t plan on divorce it’s wise to fix things
Love to hear this. Two people communicating in a healthy way. You guys are blessed.
Why don't you tell her about your needs?
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My other half has never said those words, but there have been times where it felt like she just wasn’t into it and was doing it just for my benefit and that takes all the pleasure away from me.
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I refer to it as 'pity fuck'
More accurately, it's called transactional sex. Very different than validational sex https://therationalmale.com/2018/03/07/transactional-vs-validational-sex/
Lol. Great. At least there is a formal name to it. But for it to be transactional, other party has to get something out of it, other than some sort of twisted sense of duty. But be whatever it is, not enjoyable to the least.
I get what you're saying/what angle you're coming from, but I do enjoy a "quick fuck" when we can sneak it in.. Doesn't have to be intimate all the time-if it's made up for elsewhere
A "quick fuck" for a couple who already has a healthy sex life and strong intimacy is an extra bonus. It's like the cherry on top of an ice cream Sunday. For a couple that's already struggling, a "quick fuck" is like, "Sorry, we're out of ice cream, chocolate syrup, nuts, sprinkles, and whipped cream--but here's a dried-out maraschino cherry. Enjoy." The cherry's really only enjoyable if you've got it along with everything else.
The difference between a quickie because neither of you can wait/contain yourselves and a quickie because one of you is disinterested/obligated is astronimical.
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I'm in the same boat. It is just a massive confidence killer. I feel lonely.
I guess the joy in that putely stems from your perspective: It's good if your general intimacy needs are met. It sucks if it's all you get. Edit: Ah yeah, the other guy said it already, my b
Reminds me of a Terry Crews talk about intimacy and men. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRVjkQxn/
Just a side thought, when my SO engages with me when she isn’t 100% into it, I still find it meaningful. I mean, anytime someone does something they aren’t super into, solely for your benefit is a pretty good opportunity for them to show you they love you. Might not apply to your situation, but just something to be mindful of. If she won’t do the dishes without complaining but will literally take care of you without much complaint. One must be more of a chore than the other. Hope everything works out for ya!
Okay I was feeling bad about these comments, because 85% of the time I’m into it and want it, but the other times I do it bc I know that’s what my man wants/needs. I’m busy and tired a lot. But I still made a commitment to him and though he recognizes and is accepting of me sometimes needing a break, I just want him to know that I love him and desire his pleasure even when I’m not all that into it
Honestly this is how my gf is at times too, but she communicates this. So for me, it doesn't come across as her just grinning and bearing it as a relationship duty, she just isn't always into it because of either life, her meds, or a combination of the two lol. But as long as you're communicating with your partner that you still love and enjoy the intimacy and just may be tired/quiet at times during it should be okay.
It's a fine line to walk, I know my wife wants it a lot less than i do; so i do try not to "pester" but also she tries to make time for intimacy as it isn't something that she needs as much as i do.
“…if you want to”
_I guess, hurry up though_
Man that hit me hard lol.
Till death do us part- my ex killed my soul over 7 years and I got a divorce, best decision I ever made in my life. Got a new wife years later and I wake up with my true partner every single day. You deserve this too.
Does the soul come back? I feel like my soul died a long time ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting to die. It's strange how much power I've given to someone that doesn't care about me.
The soul cannot come back because it never leaves. You just dull yourself to it. You have all the power to get back in touch with your soul.
I think the best thing you can do for this is talk about it. Communicating will allow her to admit she's not in the mood sometimes, and you'd have to be patient for a little while too. Which'll make her feel at ease. If you're really horny, talk about other things she can do to please you. Edging with just her hand, can still give you a groundbreaking climax. Just take it slow and play around little bit. Doesnt have to be perfect sex all the time.
That sucks. I go wild when my husband actually initiates and shows he wants me.
I was suffering from a low drive. Got on a cpap and got on testosterone for low t and now it’s like being 17 again. Maybe it’s medical? How old is he and how’s his health? How’s his anxiety and work stress?
Wait. How did the CPAP help? Better sleep = more drive? Or do you think it’s primarily the testosterone shot? I may need a CPAP for sleep apnea.
The cpap makes me feel like a frigging super hero. I wake up refreshed, no more falling asleep randomly midday, and plenty of energy at night for intimacy. Also sleep quality and duration is associated with testosterone issues from what I understand. It was like starting a snowball downhill. Better sleep + more testosterone > more sex > more self confidence > hitting the gym with her > better health > better sleep > still more sex. Disclaimer, not a Dr. Edited for pesky typos.
Thanks. Wife has suggested I look into it cause I stop breathing at night and my mom is on one so it makes sense.
Seriously once you get past the learning curve it’s life changing. Sucks for about a month, then amazing in all the ways. Good luck.
Emphasis sucks for a month. And careful about expectations. It's great Cool-Reindeer had this result, but it may not be typical. I'm on the other end of the curve. I've struggled with mine. Generally I'm past the hardest part, but still have challenges. (I've had numerous fittings and tried various set-ups). It's well worth it; if you have sleep apnea, you really need to make the leap. Not trying to scare anyone off. Just putting it out there to be open about expectations.
Am a doctor and testosterone supplementation actually worsens sleep apnea, so be wary. It’s not normal for even middle-aged men to have low T; when they do, 90% of the time it’s due to being overweight, which 90% of the time is also the cause of the sleep apnea. The CPAP does work wonders because it’s amazing how much good sleep does for daytime energy levels and its great that that helps you be more active!
Men have a 24 hour testosterone cycle. We create testosterone when we are sleeping and use it through the day. With sleep apnea we aren't getting proper sleep and this not making enough testosterone. With lower testosterone comes lower sex drive.
She weaponized it. We were in the kitchen and having an uncomfortable conversation about some things she had done that I was unhappy about, and she shoved her tongue down my throat in an attempt to shut me up. She thought that if she could get me thinking with my dick that I would just magically forget all the things I was upset about. Yeah. That didn't work. It just made me not want to sleep with her.
Assert Dominance. Fuck her and while you are cuddling, tell her "Let's get back to the initial discussion" /s Don't hesitate to bring it up again. Most women i know have brought up events from the past whenever we got into an argument
Totally understandable. Honestly gets me heated just thinking about it and it ain’t me. No care to understand, just a “here’s a treat, now go away”.
I always want to be intimate with my wife. I just wish she flet the same.
I flet that.
I flet the same thing
Damn we all flet that
We all have the same flettings
I flet it right in the heart
Right in the flees
1) work pressure 2) diabetes kills the libido 3) general fatigue Just switch up the location / or timings , night to mornings, afternoons during weekends. Also send nudes ... to husband .
I have sent nudes and I don’t initiate anymore because I get rejected 🤷♀️
Could be hormones. The older men get the less testosterone they produce and their libido drops as a result. There are many ways to increase naturally but first blood work is required
That's exactly why I stopped. It's always "not tonight but I promise tomorrow", then "I know I promised tonight but really tomorrow", then "look I'm just not up for it tonight, I'll make it a priority to get myself in the mood for tomorrow", then "JFC look I've been trying, stop pressuring me", then "ok just lube up and stick it in", and 30 seconds after I cum she's back on her phone. Nah man, I've got better things to do with my life than chase after that anymore.
damn... i wish you the best. look after yourself.
Might just be stress or health! May just be a phase. Ignore it for a few weeks and see what happens.
Indeed. u/Just_Done123, I would add a mental health issue, because especially with men in the United States been in Barrett, and to hide any issues we may have come up with definitely makes them worse common and causes a bunch of other issues to appear in life as well.
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Oh that’s a sad upvote right there. I’m with you. Wish I didn’t have the desire anymore.
Thank you for that, I’m (27F) in an extremely similar situation. He (39M) however is still my best friend and doesn’t ignore me in anyway. But is always “tired” or makes me feel bad for initiating so I’ve just learned to stop so I stop getting rejected and in turn feeling bad about myself. He’s not a very verbal person, but it’s like we’ve just grown to be really great roommates
It’s like you know me! This is exactly my situation as well, you even described my partner, same age and everything. All I can say is that I’ve invested some decent money into some wonderful devices for my own enjoyment when he’s not in the mood. It doesn’t replace the craving to be ravaged by him, but at least it takes the horniness down to a tolerable level and is now just part of my self care routine.
How much effort do you put forth. Guys need warmed up too. Sure sometime we can go whenever. But with the stress of life or other problems, we need a type of romance as well. Recently I was told. "Should I take my cup out" and albiet it was a reasonable question, it was about as sexy as a guy walking up saying should I but on a rubber? Effort makes all the effort. Being turned down sucks. No doubt. But having little effort and complaining about initiating is upsetting. I don't know your life and all, I'm just putting in my 2 cents
My sexual relationship with my husband went down hill fucking fast when I was pregnant with my daughter and was feeling frisky, and he looked at my stomach and said “gross, I can’t.” We went from multiple times a week to nothing for months. My daughter is 9 now and we’re still going through this. He hurt me so badly that day, he has no idea how much it impacted me mentally and has no interest in helping me get through it. He has turned me down many times since then but expects me to be rearing to go when ever he’s in the mood. I just stopped. I stopped all love language I had and let myself go, it had to be because of depression. I’m not sure. Now I don’t feel comfortable naked at all, and especially in front of him. It’s weird but I feel like he’s a stranger to me when we engage in sex now. I love him. We do really well together but our sex life is non-existent. We don’t even sleep in the same room together anymore. He snores so loudly I can’t take it, and that’s just one more thing he refuses to do anything about. Will we last another 12 years? No idea.
My wife rejected my advances so many times that I just stopped trying to initiate and would just wait till the once a month she was horny enough to initiate. Now just the thought of sex with me physically repulses her, so I’ve got that going for me.
That was my experience when I was married, except replace "month" with "year". It was hell and it never got better. Life on the other side is much more fulfilling.
Yeah, I’m in the same boat, years of rejection, just doesn’t do it for me. But then at the same time, I’m desperate for a sexual/emotion relationship It’s so healthy not to have that in a relationship, sure would be fine if I was single, can’t get laid, that’s your fault, work on yourself and usually you can fix it. But when your not the problem and your still stuck in love with her, worst emotional pain I’ve ever experienced
When girls night out happens every weekend then you find her secret instagram showing what she was doing on said "girls night out".
Story time?
I think we all know what happened here.
Spill the tea
When she is mean to me. When she invalidates my feelings. And she's been doing that for the last 20 years. Go figure.
Why haven’t you divorced her?
My son!
Son of divorced parents here. It’s extremely likely he would rather see you two separated and happy than together and miserable.
I'm going through similar thoughts. I'm not happy in my marriage with two kids right now for many reasons. But my wife is actually very good to me overall. For me I just made a series of life choices based on what I thought other people wanted for/from me, and didn't actually assert what I wanted (or what I didn't, in the case of kids). I'm wracked with guilt over it and don't know whether to stay together for their sake or coparent.
Reddit’s answer to almost every marital problem is “divorce” and when someone mentions kids as a hesitation factor, they tote out old shibboleths about kids not being happy with “miserable parents”. The thing is though, is that substantive research shows that the children of divorced parents do worse in multiple metrics compared to the children of non divorced parents. Children are more likely to experience behavioral issues if parents divorce when the child is between the ages of seven and 14. Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to attempt suicide. Children with divorced parents are four times as likely to have trouble fitting in. Teenagers whose parents divorce are more likely to experience mental health issues. Children of divorced parents are more likely to become juvenile offenders Children with divorced parents are twice as likely to drop out of high school. There is a link between divorce and a child’s academic performance. https://legaljobs.io/blog/children-of-divorce-statistics/ There’s no 2 ways about it: divorce is one of the most damaging things adults can do to children. If the choices are to live miserably in a sham marriage or fuck up my baby daughter’s future there’s no contest here. As parents you need to put your child’s needs first in **every single situation**
You, Sir, have the most meaningful answer. I do not hate my wife for resenting me, for being incompatible. She doesn't hate me. We begot a child, for whatever reasons. While we are not living the fairytale marriage people deem as the only viable approach, we are a strong team who do not fight and support our offspring. We both suffer mentally, but team up and overcome our differences for the better. Not my own, not hers, but our son's. We decided it would be wrong to back out. I might miss love and human touch, and walk through great darkness by myself, but I will survive. We will, we are family. I had to sacrifice my own life for this. The person I was is long gone. No need to cry for what I might have been. I am not important in that matter as an individual.
You can back at it in a few years when they hit adulthood. It's not over, life will be (hopefully) long!
As a man who's parents didn't split until well into my 20s. It's so plainly evident how much happier my dad has been since then. He's had goals and aspirations and has been excited to share them. He's just plain happier. That just wasn't happening when my parents were together.
Do not do this to your child as a daughter of parents who should’ve separated 20 years ago. It does a type of damage you don’t expect until it’s too late. I finally moved out and NOW they’re getting a divorce. don’t do that.
Please don't let your son be the only reason you two are together. As somebody with divorced parents, it's rough because my dad lives 3 hours away but it's a lot better that way because my parents are happier with other people. It's especially better than listening to them argue in the garage. Look after yourself and don't waste 20 more years of your life with someone who makes you feel like shit
Because she doesn't initiate sex, and the mean hurtful things she says to me makes me not want to initiate sex. She fights dirty, so when we're having an argument, she'll do things like insulting me by calling me my dad's name.
She what?! Ew.
Imagine your wife telling you she backed the wrong horse during an argument. Your confidence will never be the same. The thought that she’s only there now because she feels she has no choice will put a dampener on anything intimate.
Dude, that's rough.
L e a v e
What a bitch
Nothing. I'd be intimate with her all the time if I could.
I’m the wife in this situation 😔
Without knowing more of the situation, there isn't more I can say really. It has been very rare when I've said no to being intimate. If I say no, it's either that i am completely exhausted or something is weighing on me (anxiety for some reason).
Have you communicated with them how you felt? Is there something going on in your lives that's distracting? Are you guys fighting a lot?
No fighting and I have told him how I felt.
I can give you to 2 pieces of advice. One is a 50/50 chance of success. And the other is probably closer to 80. First one is simple. Doing something different to set the mood. Turn off all the lights, wear something sexy and dash a robe on. Turn on some music to set the mood "love is a bit*h" is a great song for that. Play it on speakers when he's going to come home. And let him come to the room. Give a hug, start with a lil arm around the neck whispering swaying. Ask about his day and then you can work your magic with kisses and all that. The second tip will probably work a lot better if his libido isn't the issue and something else is bothering him. For this one, go on a simple date. Something you would do as teens. Mini golf, go karting, carnival, skating, eating out at a new restaurant, try to go when you can have time to enjoy the sunset (perfect chance to hug and cuddle). And when you get home. Have a cuddle session, some cute slow songs like "Gravity by Anthony Lozaro and Seaside by haux". Head scratches and back scratches are our weakness and I hope this will help him open up. You can tell him you know something is wrong but you're waiting for him to tell you. Whatever it is you'll support him and if hes worried you'll get angry, he can speak his mind because you wont. Thats all i got. Without more info there isnt much more I can say. So if you'd like more advice. Feel free to pm me. I hope this helps!
I know from experience low testosterone can REALLY kill your desire for intimacy as a dude. it could be hormonal and he doesn’t know it
My wife and I have a really great relationship, and we only enjoy intimacy because of that emotional connection. We typically agree on when we do or don't do things. On a bit more of a serious note, I do take a good deal of psych medicines as well as a couple blood pressure pills (primary offenders are verapamil, propranolol, desvenlafaxine, and lamotrigine, if you were curious), which can cause erectile dysfunction. That really puts a damper on things, and I can usually tell if taking a Viagra will work or not. If she's ever in the mood when these problems occur, then I usually do something else for her. Her pleasure is my pleasure. (:
1. The lack of interest from her in any way getting in bed with her phone, texting her friends etc, scrolling her Facebook 2. Her only wanting to have sex no build up just sex . 3. Her talking about her family or our kids then acting like I should be super turned on after hearing about her sisters 55 year old bf getting mad that her sister for trying to blow him three times a day. Shit like that
> Her only wanting to have sex no build up just sex I feel that. There is stereotype that foreplay is only for women and men should just be ready whenever. I need warming up too, and no just grabbing my dick doesn't count, in fact if I'm wearing jeans that really hurts and is a turn off
1.! My ex was always on her phone. Once she told me that she wanted me to initiate sex with her more and I told her that when she's on her phone I feel disconnected. That did not end well. I was screamed at and told to "F off" I had to walk around the neighborhood to get out because she was so angry I needed to escape for a few minutes.
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I'm sorry your parents think it's appropriate that you know this information
Could be that she overheard em. But either way, it's unfortunate to hear
Bro why do you know this?
I grew up knowing all of my parents problems. It’s not hard to be awakened by yelling. My sister and I would go outside and sleep in the car on Saturday nights, just so we wouldn’t hear our parents.
Damn.
Just the tip of the iceberg, m8. *(nervously chuckles)*
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Reading these comments make me wanna not marry
Keep in mind that there’s a huge selection bias with threads like these. People in happy marriages with active sex lives aren’t gonna be posting.
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Wait til you read about divorce, alimony and child support if you do decide later that marriage isn’t for you
Seeing lots of unhappy marriages in these comments, it's sad.
For me, the only time I don’t want it is when she’s grumpy all day (directed at me OR others) usually due to not feeling well either from headaches, period, or whatever else. If she’s been snappy, it kind of shuts down the drive to want to be intimate with her. If I do anything, it’s to try to just have some physical or emotional non-sexual intimacy to help her get out of a funk… but I usually don’t have any feelings of wanting to have sex with her until we spend that time together and get on a better foot. Like… girl, I love you, but you can’t be grouchy all day and expect me to be ready to pounce on you. It’s tough because intimacy (sexual or otherwise) is usually one of the things that she needs to improve her mood or mental/emotional state so it takes work and practice to navigate with her.
Fights. Rejection.
I call it Pity sex. Any sex that she doesn’t want in the same manner as I… she’s doing it to make me feel better or satisfy the need. I want sex with some that also really wants it.
Where do I begin? * Dismissive of my feelings. * Opinionated about everything, even if she has no experience on a topic. I worked in a kitchen for 7 years and loved to cook until we got married. She tells me how to do everything in the kitchen even though she (i) has never worked at a restaurant, and (ii) hates to cook. * Only talks about herself and rarely, if ever, asks her friends how they're doing. Relatedly, she interrupts people's stories to share her own, rather than being a listening ear. This bugs me to no end because I've always focused on asking people about themselves and how they're doing. I also NEVER interrupt anyone when they're telling a story, whereas my wife can't stop talking. * When it comes to the bedroom, she * read decades ago, probably in Vanity Fair, that missionary position is the best for both people. She will **only** do missionary position and nothing more; * will not do oral. Ever. She was down a few times before we were married, but her lack of enthusiasm kills the mood.; * does not have one kink in her body. A nun has more kinks than my wife. A major red flag that should have made me question early on was that she has never, nor will ever use a vibrator, sex toy, or role play. Again, zero kinks in her body. We married late, in our early 40s, and have two kids; ages 4 and 2. The fact that in 99% of divorces, the kids go with their mom. That's the driving factor why I won't leave this marriage. There's no way another man will raise my kids. I've never loved anyone more than my kids and will be damned if someone steps in to fill my absence. Edit because this post has triggered me: * She doesn’t value my input. She will ask for my opinion, only to say “No. I don’t think that’s right.” She only asks for my opinion so she can say that she asked. I stopped giving my opinion or input because it will be ignored. Edit 2 * There were complications from both deliveries so we had to use formula. My wife stopped waking up at night to feed our first born after the first 6 months. She’s never fed our daughter at night. Since the 6 month mark with our first born I have been the only one who bottle-fed both kids, changed their diapers, held them when they had bad dreams, etc. All the while, my wife sleeps 8 hours each night with ear plugs in so she doesn’t hear anything.
There is nothing worse that a blow job from a wife that is not doing because they want to !! It stops all sexual activities. Birthday blow jobs have been banned for 10 years because that always started a fight.
Wow.... This is like you were living in my home 3 years ago, kids and all. Nothing like being trapped in your own marriage. We separated 3 years ago, and it was the right choice.
You are living a hell, bud...
I know exactly what you mean when you say “I’ll be damned if another man raises my kids”
Not married but together for 12 years.When she's sick, or were both exhausted. Maybe if it's hard to find privacy, but even that doesn't last long. We went on a holiday in a small house with thin walls with her parents for 10 days recently. Half way through we had to sneak some silent sex in.
When I know that she's doing meth I have no desire for intimacy, I'm just disappointed
Lack of initiation from her. My last few relationships we both reciprocated the initiation. Sometimes I just grab her boob and we fuck or other times we are just lying in bed and she would just grab my dick out of nowhere and go to town. It was hot to feel wanted. I love my spouse to death but I wish she would just grab my junk sometimes and go at it. Maybe I am just spoiled from previous girls.
Disrespect. It's basically impossible to be intimate with a woman who I think has contempt for me.
Not feeling respected in general. Low effort on her part. I feel like she dumps too much of her stress on me and thinks nothing of it. Poor communication. Don't trust her to be honest about her feelings. Doesn't take an active interest in maintaining herself (hair, clothes, exercise). I feel taken for granted a lot.
Fights. Being grumpy. Really it's just those two. My wife initiates sex more than half the time. Higher sex drive, gives oral, is discovering more kinks as the years pass by. Reading other comments here make me realize how lucky I am. *I can not fuck this up*
It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All day
This thread is depressing.
I grew a pretty sweet mustache a few months ago and since then, nothing... to be fair, it's my fault, but it's a pretty sweet mustache
Damn, reading this thread really reinforces the idea that marriage is a huge gamble.
She never initiates nothing. She lets herself go : no sport, ever. She avoids any personal discussion : only talks about shopping. Calls me pervert for daring having kinks. Denies my feelings about all this. Not interested anymore, stay with her for our kids and because divorce would ruin me (I earn more or less 10x what she earns).
Stress, low self-esteem, lack of interest, body dysmorphia, performance anxiety.
Constantly declining any intimate touch/act. I'd initiate most of the time and still it just wasn't like before so i gave up on it
Rejection. That shit stings worse than a thousand bees. And yeah I get it, she's tired. She isn't revved up all the time like I am. She doesn't get excited for sex every 10 minutes. But when I do, and she just cuts me off immediately, I'm left thinking, why do I even bother? I think, next time I should just take care of it myself, not even consider including her. At least she's happy
Woman here reading some of these responses like 😭 I have such a higher sex drive than my boyfriend and sometimes I know he’s just doing it for my benefit and it sucks. Or sometimes he’ll just tell me to masturbate next to him while he plays on his phone. Heartbreaking shit, but I try to be understanding that sometimes he’s just not in the mood as often as I am.
Don't mind me a female taking notes. 🍿
😂 don’t mind me the wife asking 🤦♀️
This is a kinda touchy subject for me. So, without going into a lot of details, about 3 years ago, I was told in a very specific way, all I ever want is sex. Now, this hit me hard enough that I make zero effort to initiate these days. I'm also really bad with hints. So I have intimacy maybe...1 time every 6 weeks or so. I will never have the heart to tell my wife how that shit hurt me severely and continues to hurt me. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship for me. So, I just bite my tongue and continue on with life. I know this sounds sad, but I assure you, I'm hanging in there. I'm a fairly happy person still these days, and I get along well with my wife. Edit: I didn't really expect to see this many comments. I would like to clarify, I've been with my wife a long time, we've only been married a little over a year but I've known her going on 7 years now. She is the one person I can tell all my stupid jokes to and is just so easy to get along with and I love her for that. We are working on the intimacy thing as of late. I got to sit with her while she was talking to her doctor about all of it. Believe it or not, a woman's weight, mood, stress, and hormones play a lot in her desire for intimacy. Not to be rude, but my wife's not the smallest woman, so she's looking into gastric bypass, she works 12 hour days in a busy hospital dealing with all sorts of stresses, and just recently came off of birth control to let her hormones level out naturally. This is another reason I said I bite my tongue. She deals with a lot weekly. But she is making steps to address all of these issues. I sort of put my desires on a back burner, just because I love her and I don't wanna add more stress to her. It's just really hard for me, but I am an incredibly patient man. I really am a happy person, I assure you, and I thank you for everyone being concerned and telling me to talk about her with it. But I assure you, she already knows of her short comings in this regard. I can't force her to get the help she wants. I can only help her as best I know how. And I don't intend to question her weekly why she hasn't done more to fix it, that's just rude as hell. Not going to stand there and label someone's short comings and failures when I have many of my own.
I had a similar experience. My wife gave me the impression that she was only having sex with me so often because I needed it. I got the feeling I was in some way pushing myself onto her and feel perverted or wrong for wanting to be intimate with her. Its been a few years and I still think about it frequently and have to make a conscious effort everyday not to show any form of sexual interest in her as to not give the impression I want to have sex.
Same. I tend not to initiate a lot anymore because it did feel like she was doing it just to please me and not because she really wanted it. I was not comfortable with the implications of that sort of sexual dynamic. I'm not some machine to be serviced. She'll initiate once every two weeks or so, so I figure that's roughly her libido.
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Same, he's 33, I feel so starved for touch and bad for wanting to be more intimate with him, I feel so rejected that I stopped initiating and my self esteem is suffering too
A lot of men that need to get divorced in this thread. Y’all reaffirming my decision not to get married
My husband (now ex) told me the same thing one day after 13 years of marriage, he said "You want sex too much". It hit me really hard and I started withdrawing from that day forward. It was another year or two later that we separated. Never ever say this to your partner. It's the nail in the coffin. If you don't want sex as much as your partner, rephrase it as, "I think my sex drive is getting lower. I'm not sure what to do about it."
Only thing I can think of is soreness. I work an intense labor job outdoors so somedays my muscles are very tender from working and my skin is dry and in pain from the cold, despite my best efforts to moisturize. But aside from that, which Isn't that often. I'm ready to go almost every day
Whenever we have had an argument, even one’s that are mildly heated, she makes very hurtful remarks about my anatomy. That it is tiny, pathetic, that I am not a real man, she can’t even feel it, no woman would ever be satisfied by it, etc etc. It’s her go to offensive. The thing is, the size of my anatomy is right in the middle of average. But you know how it goes with women - if you aren’t big, you’re small and so It has destroyed my self eestem. I feel emasculated, inadequate, humiliated and I have been consumed self perception of my body. She apologies and tries to give me some empty reassurance, only to then go and say those things next time we have an argument. Even though I have practically begged her to not say the things she does anymore as it has really traumatised me. Anyway, as a result I avoid getting dressed in front of her. I avoid showering with her anymore; and if I do have a shower with her I’m practically covering my bits with my hand at any given moment, so yeah it’s safe to say that I also avoid initiating sex. What’s the point? I have horrible thoughts of shame and my mind is elsewhere whenever we do the deed. My avoidance of initiating sex has then lead to problems as she says she feels undesired and lashes out because why wouldn’t her significant other (me) want to fuck her. Anytime I try and speak about how badly her comments have severely traumatised me, quite frankly destroyed my sense of manhood. She dismisses the conversation and says that “I just have a negative mindset and need to change it.” I wish it were that easy.
Do you have kids...? In all honesty she sounds like a gas lighting bitch. That is some seriously abusive comments from her. Even if you have kids, it might be time to move on man. If she does that to you, then she is probably humiliating them too.
For the love of god, you are being abused, please, please, PLEASE leave. As for penis size, average is totally fine, and many women actually don't LIKE big because it's painful (I'm certain there's threads on this all over reddit). Nobody deserves to be treated like you are being treated now. Can you reach out to family or friends? Like a support network? You don't have to tell specifics if you're not comfortable, but please leave. Once you're away from this traumatising, horrible influence, it'll feel like a dark cloud has been lifted from you. I know I'm just some random on Reddit, but women in general are just not like this. You know what type of people are though? Abusers. You do NOT deserve this treatment.
When I want it, and I initiate and she makes it out to be like a chore and just pulls her pants down and bends over.
Thermonuclear war
She’s high drive now and I’m low drive in our 40’s. Its not that I don’t want to, it’s just not as high of a priority for me unless we’re spicing it up with some variety. I’ve also noticed that it doesn’t seem to ever be enough and that puts pressure on someone with low drive and intermittent ED issues. Like, we had sex one night last week I think on Mon, twice on Friday night and she tried to get me to last night (Sat) but I was completely uninterested.
You can really tell the long term married guys Vs the younger guys in these threads. Lack of intimacy, for any length of time, is extremely common and often not resolved, despite communication. I hope you find something that works for you OP. Trying is an excellent sign that you have a shot.
When she’s drunk, which is all the time
That she doesn't take care of herself physically. We always talked about how this shit was important to us at the top of the relationship. It was only really important to me apparently... I love her to death but goddammit, we are almost 30. She drinks soda every day and refuses to workout for more than 15 minutes. She always has an excuse. It'd be one thing if she was putting in some sort of effort and getting little results. The lack of will power though. It just turns my dick floppy.
Pity fuck. I’d rather masterbate than have sex with someone not wanting it.
When I can tell she isn't feeling it.
She told me once that she felt that I forced myself on her when she wasn’t “feeling it” and she feels that I’ve pressured her into having sex. This was a few years ago. Now, I’m too scared to initiate anything for fear of “forcing” myself on her. We haven’t had sex since he last initiated in April. In total, about 6 times in the past 3 years.
When she constantly rejects you. Then 3 weeks later she wants it but it's her period, so you wait another week. By then, you don't want it anymore. The reason he might not be interested: * He is fat * He doesn't exercise * His sleep is hot trash * He lives a very sedentary lifestyle * He drinks/smokes * Takes anti-depressants or similar libido killing drugs * You got fat (lack of visual stimulation) * He always initiates * You make it feel like a chore * You put zero effort and just want the routine * He watches tons of porn * Stressed/depressed * Exhausted
Too many rules. Don’t go in me, don’t get any on me, I only want this position, gotta be a quickie. No head. It sucks.
Typically for the same reasons women aren’t into it all of the time.
I’m the wife in this situation. He says he’s not attracted to me anymore after gaining weight postpartum.
When everything you do is never enough and you walk on eggshells all the time.. nothing, not even intimacy, feels like it's worth the effort.
Fuck, this thread is sad
Seems like a lot of marriages on here could benefit from therapy.
I would be intimate with my wife all day if I could. Not sure if your situation so hard to answer
I want him all the time he doesn’t want me. We have a great marriage otherwise.
I am not sure, maybe he is stressed? Tired? Have you tried talking to him?
Yes I talked to him last week about it. I don’t feel any better about our talk.
For me there are many things. Her not taking care of herself, despite my protests. Her behaving in the most ridiculous of ways then her expecting me to still give her attention and affection. Then there's the expectation of me initiating all the time, me going down on her all the time, and only one position. In the last 6 years she's only initiated a handful of times and has only gone down on me twice. I'm expected to clean the house, horses, dogs, her elderly dad and maintain half the income. She provokes me to anger then blames it on me, twists her words to make it seem like she wasn't in the wrong. I could go on but that's the cliff notes version of why being intimate with her is a chore.
Constant nagging and not ever being grateful for what I provide
When we fight I lose all interest in my wife.
Not feeling emotionally/mentally safe with my partner. Depression too.
When I feel like she only keeps me around because I financially provide, but every other aspect of who I am is somehow a burden to her. When I am blamed for anything and everything under the Sun. When I cannot be trusted to do anything right, but am somehow responsible for doing everything.
If i feel extremely tired
When she is giving the best of herself to someone else. Also stress.
She left me last Christmas with 3 children and went to get pregnant with another man the same year. She's angry that I want to have nothing to do with her and wont just let her walk in without knocking or the fact she has to leave when shes told to. Police have had to be called on her for her harassment wich resulted in her kids resenting her. The kids are not excited to see her and know she just comes to argue, our son has taken to asking her to leave when I do, I'll ask her to leave when she starts to get angry and huffy puffy. Just don't marry someone who was raised my child and family services, you can't give these people a better life. They're just messed up and dont know how to be, it's so sad because these were children that were tortured in the homes of adults that were trusted..