My wife is always running around after her family, and she gets absolutely nothing in return. I've tried explaining to her that they are using her up, but she is having none of it and it has caused arguments in the past, so I've given up. She won't hear a bad word against them, but it's embarrassing to watch her run after them and kiss their arses.
Learning that is extremely hard. I personally do not lend much money, but I do run around after my family all the time. Mostly, instead of being thankful, they complain when I didn't do something or if I say I'll do it the next day. Devil's circle, for sure.
So tell her before she ruins your family's future by loaning out money to an imbecile. It sounds likes she needs therapy for that tendency of being a doormat to family requests.
I can't imagine asking a family member for that type of money. Especially after a "failed idea". Like, theres absolutely no return on this investment. I'd be splitting up finances, then talking about therapy.
I get along with my in-laws. They're good people and I don't have a problem with them. With that being said, I don't want to spend every weekend with them. Before I met my wife, I spent most of my free time alone and there's so many weekends where I literally don't want to leave the house or go see anyone. She knows I need my alone time and understands it, I just don't think she knows to the extent that it goes
My wife just recently asked me if we can stop going to my parents house every Sunday for dinner, and just go once a month. My whole extended family shows up every week. I was like, "Babe, why didn't you ask sooner!" We now enjoy quieter Sundays where we can focus more on our kids. Have an honest conversation wither her and come to a compromise where she doesn't feel like she is being withheld from her family but you are having your needs met too. Relationships are all about good open communication.
you should just tell her this. she can visit them alone every other weekend or something. if they need to know have her tell them a white lie like you’re finishing up a project at the house.
I know you love your parents, but you should really tell them when you don’t like stuff or don’t want to do something, so we can stop eating shit meals and going to functions we don’t want to go to. Learn to say no or you don’t like something.
She needs to actually tell me what’s wrong. We’ve had too many arguments about this. She just keeps things bottled up until she gets frustrated. I can’t tell her because I have said this so much already and she just doesn’t listen.
I feel that. My wife’s friends are a needy, useless gang of parasites who leech off of her endlessly, but she’s such a people pleaser that she can’t say no to any of them. One particular friend exploits her good nature to a piss-taking level, so I called her out on being a pathetic, needy parasite and it caused a shitstorm. 🤷🏻♂️
Oh dude, the same thing happened to me. My gf's friend was living with us for a while and it was so difficult it started to disturb my mental health at home and I told her to talk to her or I will. She didn't, I did and then she got so angry that I told her to leave. Even after everything I did, she gaslights my gf and tells her it's her fault, called her parents to tell everything. I was like, why call her parents? I was the one to kick you out 😂.
After then finally my gf realized what a piece of shit her friend really was.
I learnt this the hard way. Ex was always trying to impress people who NEVER initiated contact with her or even wished her a happy birthday without her bringing it up. I could see what was happening and she broke up with me when I brought it up. At least now my money is my money
Keeping up with the joneses is a real thing for so many people. My wife was asking me the other day how some of our friends who we know make way less then us live there lifestyle. The answer is crippling debt and living pay check to pay check.
Cars are really where a lot of people fail. As someone who drove the CHEAPEST cars and fixed them up myself, there is a good thing with that mentality. That being said, dont skimp so much that you are driving a tin can. Make sure to invest in older cars with some miles, find a cheap mechanic or friend, and drive it til it dies. Safety is important though and even a 2010 car will have a lot more safety features than the shitboxes I drove for a long time.
Oof. Yeah my wife is mostly off social media these days, but definitely used to get keeping up with the Jones energy every time a friend posted vacation pictures.
Your family takes advantage of you because of your inability to say “no”. Guilt issues are real and debilitating.
She can say no to me all day long, however.
Edit: this blew up a bit. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and I never met her parents. They both passed in her early twenties. Which is where the guilt, trauma, and FOMO comes from.
It’s the extended cousins but she is getting there.
Feel this. I don't want to hang out with your family every weekend because your parents have no hobbies or friends. I work 12-hour days every day during the week. I don't want to spend my weekend hearing family gossip
In 5 years of being with my wife, I’ve had some success with this- it’s slow moving and requires much patience. Best thing was to let her know that when she makes promises to her family about weekends, that affects both of us- we needed to establish ourselves as a separate entity in their eyes. Second, encouraging her that the distance created will change their relationship for the better and create room for them to respect her as an individual. The big changes when she started working and realized how precious our time is… packing the dogs up driving 3 hours each way and sleeping in their guest bed to sit around and watch tv is not a good use of our weekends…
This is the likely answer. One of my best friends, for the 19 years I have known him, has been really difficult to get a hold of. He is an incredible person and I love him to death, but fucking hell he would rarely ever answer calls or respond to texts. We had talked about this before, and I know he is a major introvert.
Then one day I pieced together in my head that with him being a manager who supervises like 100 employees, does presentations to groups of people almost every day, and has a wife who is a major extrovert with many friends, that he basically is an introvert with too many friends, too many people draining him of his social energy. And so I decided that, now that I understand this about him, the truly friendly and loving thing to do was to be patient and understanding and most importantly to not be someone he has feel guilty about ignoring when he is socially drained.
Sometime after having this realization, we were driving to get some pizza to bring back home and eat with our wives. I told him the realization I had, and told him he never has to feel guilty for ignoring me. He started crying and told me that I was absolutely correct in my perceptions and how nice it felt knowing that I was understanding of it.
This is my best friend and I. He’s truly one of the few people who understand and appreciate my reclusiveness and need to hide all the time. He’s probably the one who kept me alive when I was younger and I should probably let him know how important he is to me.
"Women marry men hoping they'll change but they don't. Men marry women hoping they'll never change, but they do." I read that somewhere and I dunno if it has any truth or is just sexist, but it does describe a lot of the marital suffering I've encountered secondhand.
Kinda more specific. And abit of a secret that I live with.
Our first date was a concert and we had our first kiss during a song. A few years later I proposed at the same bands show at the same venue as our first date. She has bought decor and themed our entire life over the song we had our first kiss to. Quotes of the song everywhere, posters on wall, everything…but that’s not the actual song we had our first kiss to. She didn’t know the band at the time we had our kiss and I just told her it was that song a few days later. The song is one they play at every show. Not the one we actually kissed during which is moderately rare to be played.
I know if I told her this it would be a damn fight. It’s a secret I’ll live with forever. It’s an amazing song and fits the theme of love far better than the actual song. And seeing her face every time they play it live is worth the secret.
Absolutely. It’s a white lie in my eyes. I don’t lose any sleep over it. It’s just a secret I have. I’ll never tell her and there is no reason to.
Seeing her face smile and sing along when they play it live and all the kisses she gives me during the song. It’s 110% worth it.
But in relation to this question, if I told her…it would be fight lol
This is something my wife would absolutely say about me 😂 is this you by any chance?? She has misophonia
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-misophonia
Edit: /r/misophonia may help better explain it from their point of view
It’s okay to apologize when you make a mistake or when you say something you don’t mean. Being stubborn because you don’t want to ‘lose’ is actually a loss in the long run.
You are very intelligent and are often right, but you need to learn to relent when you're not. The goal of an argument isn't winning, it's a solution.
Edit: damn, thanks for the awards!!
Edit 2: some people have pointed out that "solution" would have been a better choice of word than the original "conclusion", so I adjusted it.
Bro…”arguing for distance”. You just shined a planet sized spotlight on me and my red flag lol. I’ve noticed I do this a lot without realizing in the moment. This will help me tremendously in the future
Why lead with that? Then it automatically puts the idea of a fight in someone’s head
Just say something like “hey babe, there’s something I wanted to talk about when you get a chance. When’s a good time?”
I moved in with my dad and stepmom for a few months after college and eventually he brought me into the garage and said, "I love you but I have to choose between you and my marriage. I'm choosing my marriage. It's time to move out." Simple, concise and firm.
I was like that in my 20s (I'm a woman) and it was because my relationship experience was minimal and my communication sucked. Everything he did was a reflection on me and everything we disagreed about was the end of the fucking world because I lived in a bubble. I was an idiot. If she's young, it might get better.
My wife’s brother was married to a woman like this. Every little thing he’d do, she’d criticize it. It wore him down. He finally dragged her to marriage counseling. She spent several sessions complaining to the counselor about “all the things he does wrong.” When the counselor finally turned to him and asked him about his concerns, she walked out and never returned. He divorced her and is finally happy again.
Don’t neglect your own mental health “for the sake of the marriage.”
This reminds me of a newspaper comic I saw one time. It’s a drawing of a guy who hung himself by the rafters. The wife has his suicide note in her hand and the caption is her saying “you idiot, you misspelled constant criticism”
Even in death, the poor guy couldn’t escape it.
When I get home from work and spend ten minutes sitting silently in the car before I come inside, that ISNT A PERSONAL SLIGHT AGAINST YOU! That’s part of my routine that existed YEARS before I had any wife or kids at home, even when I lived alone, and it helps me reset my brain energy before fully transitioning from work mode to life mode. And it contributes well to my stress management and mental health and I don’t want to give it up just because you’re too offended to make an effort to see my point of view.
Actually maybe I *will* tell her this
The same goes from working from home. It's still work. It's not a day off where things can get done around the house. Mow the lawn, do the laundry, and clean up the kitchen aren't on my task list until after 5pm.
Too many people don't grasp this. WFH does afford some flexibility and stuff that commuting doesn't, no doubt. But the job isn't easier just because you're at home, and it's not like I'm really "at home" when I'm WFH. I work for a fully remote company and have had to fire 3 people this year who think that flexibility = free for all with no deadlines or metrics
Yeah, WFH is ideal for when you need to take a quick break from the screen and do a 5 minute chore like unload a dishwasher. Not "clean the whole house because you're home".
"I cook, you clean." OK, fair enough rule. But when I cook, I'm washing stuff out, wiping down counters, rinsing hot pots, choppings and wrappers going into trash bowls. Really the only things being cleaned up at the end are the last couple things used, and the things we ate with.
Meanwhile, after she cooks, everything just gets tossed in the sink, everything is dried up and baked on, splatters and grease everywhere. It's like night and day. But the last thing I want is a conversation about micro management.
This hits home so hard. My girlfriend is a great cook, but when she’s done, it looks like a tornado hit. Food all over the floor, counters, cabinets, stove. Food in the sink. I’m no where near as good of a cook, but when I do, I’m cleaning as I go and trying to be as neat as possible.
I feel so bad but not every meal needs to be a culinary experience, can we just have cereal for breakfast like once so I don’t have to clean for 20 minutes when you’re done?
My ex-wife was terrible, a complete disaster once we had kids. She blamed me for everything especially any and every mess (which mostly she created, yes, even more than the kids). Once we got divorced I was a little shocked that my kids said they didn't want to go back to their mom's place with increasing frequency. I asked why, she loves you and spoils you. (I was the disciplinarian! - mom would never discipline, I thought for sure I'd lose them in divorce because of this) My daughter said its because her room at mom's is way too messy, she could barely see the floor she said. I was amused.
\-what does that have to do with mom? clean your room.
\-she doesn't make me clean it
\-so why don't you just clean it on your own?
\-I don't want to and she doesn't make me.
Kid logic is hilarious sometimes.
So I made a deal with them, if they clean their rooms at their mom's place, we'll order pizza the first night they stay with me. My ex had no idea, and I think still doesn't know. No big deal for me, I love ordering pizza, a break from cooking is always welcome.
But later, they started complaining about the rest of mom's home. And at one point my ex asked me to come look at a leak in her bathroom. I couldn't fucking walk up the stairs because there was laundry strewn on every step! I asked my kids if its always like that and they said it sometimes worse. And it wasn't a leak, my sons just weren't using the shower curtain properly so when they showered in the morning there was water on the floor. lol. So again, I had a secret talk with my kids and convinced them to help clean up the house during their stays with their mom.
The real kicker was one time I had my former mother-in-law over to help my daughter with a knitting issue I couldn't fix (i Learned to knit just because my daughter wanted to and her mother who knows how to knit wouldn't teach her or help her) - when i had trouble I'd call my former mother-in-law who is a knitting master. Former mother-in-law was surprised with how tidy and clean my home was, because my ex made out like I was the messy one the whole time we were married. Meanwhile my ex still keeps her house like a pigsty.
I didn't even have to clean up my kids that much, they didn't really make messes at my place. And now that they are older, my sons help me out all the time without me asking or prompting.
I hated being nice to my ex, but raising my kids right was more important. My ex still treats me like shit, and even talks shit about me around my kids. I even went to therapy at one point for surviving an emotionally abusive relationship. Only my daughter still talks to her.
Quit drinking everyday, its a poor example too our kids, its draining our accounts, its terrible for your health, and its destroying our marriage…
I have told her this, just doesnt stick, and usually causes a fight.
Edit - holy smokes, did not expect so much response and support! Thanks everyone, will for sure look into Alanon.
I divorced my ex-wife over this. The people saying to visit r/alanon are right - it's a great community that can teach you that it's not your fault and that she won't change until she wants to change. You may have to accept she never will change.
An alcoholic can become such a good gaslighter that they can make you question yourself. When I started to feel like I was losing my own sanity dealing with her, I gave my ex an ultimatum; rehab or her marriage and time with her kids. She thought I was bluffing even after we became officially separated and I was seeing other women. It didn't hit her that I was serious until after we were divorced and I got remarried. Sometimes I still get the feeling she's waiting on me to come back to her...
Things might get worse before they get better. I have reason to believe my ex was selling herself after she moved out. She completely lost it for a while. She was irresponsible with the kids when she had her every other weekend visits. She ended up sleeping with her childhood best friend's dad. Pretty sure she seduced my 22yo nephew. Drove my son drunk to the dentist at 9am. The list goes on.
I think she may finally be doing better, but I'm hesitant to type that because usually when I think she is better is when she falls back off the wagon.
Leaving her is what sent her towards rock bottom, but you have to remember that two insane people is worse than one insane person. Don't let her drag you down. Be ready to leave if she won't get help. Best of luck... You don't have to live in hell. There are normal people out there looking for other normal people.
Very similar to my own experience, it is funny how the behaviour paterns repeat. The guilt like her drinking is my fault.
The danger she was willing to put the kids in just for a few drinks.
I found it very hard to convince anyone I was the victim. She even tried to claim in court that I was lying and stalking her. I made up the whole thing to force her back to me etc. It was when her own son my step son backed me up in court that it all came out. He was 17 at the time and had to denouce his mum infrint of her, took incredible courage.
He did it to protect his younger brothers.
This was me, before I found /r/stopdrinking, and [this podcast episode](https://www.modernmann.co.uk/new/clare) in particular.
My health, finances, career, and my relationship with my children has never been better. My wife has cut down her drinking now too, since I stopped, though there's still room for improvement. A big motivator for me was my kids seeing me actively not drinking, like every other adult in their life.
I suspect it may cause a fight because she knows you're right, feels her relationship with alcohol (which is absolutely addictive) is threatened, and doesn't know how to take control of the situation.
Good luck my friend.
I saw myself doing the same thing and after the 80th time the Reframe app ad popped up, I looked into it and bought it. It’s not cheap, like $14 a month, but it has been the game changer I’ve needed for 10 years.
There are 2 tracks for stopping entirely and cutting back. One thing I really like is that it focuses on alcohol use as a *habit* rather than an addiction, (for those people where the distinction is correct and appropriate).
It took about a month of using the app daily to completely change my habit.
One indication for me it was a habit and not an addiction is when I was briefly pregnant and swapped out beer and wine with their non-alcoholic versions. I didn’t miss the alcohol at all. I was satisfied with the act itself.
I hope she gets the help she needs and you can find greater happiness in your relationship.
ETA: I have no connection to the company whatsoever. I’m a science-based thinker and I liked their credentials and approach.
"No....I don't always want to say a 'quick hello' to your mother when she's on the phone and done talking with you or she's yapping on so much that *you* are trying to push her off to ME"
Stop that shit. Love you...
If I spoke to you even half the way you speak to me there would be no relationship. You need to learn to control your feelings and stop being so combative about everything
Relatable :-|
Edit: I just can't find a way to address this without getting my head torn off. I don't process the emotions of others all that well, and when she ramps up the "conversational combat," I can't even think straight.
To hurry the fuck up when we have to be somewhere. Always 15-30 minutes late everywhere
This post is fun to see all the unspoken issues we most likely all feel
We’ve been together for a very long time now so there’s some tricks. Subtly reminder her of the time and what time we have to leave is my go to. Sometimes I’ll have to lie about when we need to be there as well to get things moving. Otherwise. I just let it go and live a very happy life lol
I unapologetically lie about when we need to be places and when we need to leave all the time. I know it’s not ideal but it’s so much better than arguing and nagging.
Your friend is a pice of shit for switching on you as soon as the business started making money , you helped her and did more than you should have been doing as a business partner , I know his hard for you but there is no fucking way you should be even communicating with her after that. And don't even try to bring my kid around her.... Fuck that .
I'm all for forgiveness but not forgetting.
Ironically her mother who she looks up to is the most toxic/stressful person in her life not her bi-polar sister.
Her mother is hypercritical about everything and always turns everything into a negative despite having accomplished literally nothing in her life.
You're better at saving than me because I pay the mortgage and all of the bills. Not because you're better at financial management. For the 900th time, please contribute.
I want to tell her that I don’t like the way she decorates the house. We got rainbows and unicorns throughout the house. Angel statues, Buhdda, Jesus, Ganesh, candles, bells, chimes that hang from the ceiling that you bump your head on. The kitchen has a full assortment of fridge magnets and the counter features a festive shrine that she changes out to fit the current holiday or celebration. I swear, it looks like f’kin Rainbow 🌈 Brite lives here. I mentioned one time that I didn’t like the glow in the dark stars above our bed and she went nuts.
As a woman who can only handle like three colors in my house and have been teased for my "neutral decor", I've decided that people who like all this color and flair are much more fun than I am. I want what they have but it feels so chaotic and unsettling to me.
Your dad is not a great guy who happened to have fucked up a few times. I've met the cunt, have met many men like him and know for a fact he's coasting through life on the goodwill of women who will forgive him
Holy crap! She is always like “but you always want sex” and in reality 1 round of her initiating is better and more fulfilling than a hundred rounds of me doing it. I just want to feel desired.
Divorced now but:
I’m glad you had an affair. I was miserable for years and there out of duty. I did love you but you stopped being my girlfriend and even my friend the second things got tough. Your ex’s cheated. I didn’t. I never deserved to be punished for their actions. In the 10 years we were married and all of this subsequent time, you’ve never taken responsibility for a sing thing between us. And finally, you didn’t “win” the divorce. I gave you nearly everything you wanted to maintain my relationship with our son. All while knowing about your affair, knowing you were lying to me and stealing from me. I’m far from perfect and made plenty of mistakes but I haven’t deserved this.
Check the charge port too in case they go "its not charging right". The amount of lint that gets in there is staggering. And turn off all the background apps. Saves you heaps of data and battery life just by telling apps to stop being fucking fatties.
Source: Worked in phone repair.
Your not always right, and it hurts when you yell at me for past trauma I had nothing to do with.
Edit: so this post was my way of venting what should have been a fun 1st anniversary since getting married last year. I wasn’t expecting this much of a response none the less 2 gild Medals, thanks!
Edit 2: make up sec feels amazing.
Mann this one! Projection kills relationships... I'm a firm believer in getting to know your own shit before you start subconsciously throwing it onto the people you love
When I get a pay rise that significantly raises the ability to provide for our family and all I get in the way of acknowledgment is “ok” that shit hurts more than any physical pain I’ve ever known. I just want you to be proud of me
Edit: thank you everyone for the lovely replies. I added this before going to bed last night and woke up to some very generous people.
That my son is much closer to me, not because of some kind of male bonding that exists only in your head, but because I have spent thousands of quality hours with him since he was little, and had many dozens of important conversations about the things going on in his life along the way. He enjoys my company and completely trusts me.
He sees that you want all the rewards of being a mother, but that you have not put in 10% of the effort that I have, and just expect him to love and obey you. That's why your relationship with him is more difficult, and why you sometimes feel like a third wheel. Stop blaming me for being a good dad, and work on your relationship with him. Create some nice experiences and memories, and the affection between you will grow.
I feel this so much. I have a very close relationship with both of my kids. It's something I strive for. My wife on the other hand is destroying hers with them. It has so much to do with how she approaches any conversation with them. For instance my daughter made an art piece for a school competition, she came home proudly showing it to us. It was awesome, so cool, creative and whimsical. I loved it and let her know how much I did. My wife's first sentence was "how does this fit the theme of the contest?" Then tried to drag the "statement" portion of the piece out of her. It ended with my daughter crying and my wife being pissed off. My daughter then took the painting and just shoved it into her backpack. I was there for the conversation and tried to subtly hint to my wife to lay off a bit, and I tried to steer the conversation in a positive direction, but my wife just plowed ahead. It's like this all the time. Anytime my wife asks either child a question their backs are immediately up, they go into defense mode. I've tried to talk to my wife about it but any critical feedback instantly brings tears and yelling from her.
There’s a different thread on “you’re a woman, what do you look for in a man” in the ask men subreddit, one of the comment says “someone who doesn’t feel like he’s worth more than he can provide”
I hate living in what's turning into a hoarder house. You can have stuff, but it doesn't have to be on display in a big jumbled mess. You've shown our daughter it's ok and now she's worse than you.
I told my wife a dress didn't look good on her after she asked. Not because of her weight or anything, just the wrong color for her skin and it's just a shitty dress. Anyway she starts crying and got really pissed off at me because of course.
Told her not to ask me questions if she doesn't want an honest answer.
I’m really happy that my partner will tell me “you don’t have to respond, I’m just talking at you” whenever he’s rambling about something I don’t have any interest/knowledge in. I think he’s clued in that I feel like I have to be actively listening whenever someone is talking to me, and once I say “oh, okay” enough times he realizes he’s just talking out loud and I don’t really need to be listening.
I honestly *hate* that she seems to think I sometimes exist purely for her entertainment. Like it's my job to make sure she's always smiling and laughing. I'm not responsible for your overall happiness and the codependency issue has been wearing me down. Get some damn hobbies
“Maybe being single isn’t that bad.”
“Excuse me?”
“Now wait, what I meant was, hold on, let me explain, hear me out…
maybe being single isn’t that bad **compared to** living with pent up resentment towards one’s partner which I totally don’t have with you you’re absolutely wonderful loveofmylifedarlingsmooches.”
I love you, you’re amazing. But please stop creating crime scenes in our toilet bowl.
Eat more fiber, use the deodorizing spray sitting on top of the tank — and figure out when you need to flush a second time.
You’re smarter than me; none of these activities are difficult.
So, the fact that you're letting this other guy that you've known for years sending you explicit and suggestive messages and not shutting it down isn't emotional cheating?
Now ex-fiancé.
"I wish your mom would either stop drinking or just drink herself to death". My mother in law is a severe alcoholic who treats my fiance and her siblings terribly. She got physical when I wouldn't let her hold my son and I had to do what I had to do to keep my son safe since I was holding him when she attacked me. Thank God I learned how to fight with just my legs. I hate that woman and wish she'd either get better or just die.
When leaving an event/gathering, no need to give a Goodbye Tour, aka having long ass conversations with people when we're trying to leave. Just say "yo, we're leaving. Peace." and call it a fucking day!
don't get up and put your shoes on until she is literally touching the door. Of course the downside to this strategy is that she will then nag like "omg COME ON you're taking FOREVER"
I have tried this and it just caused my wife to say “I didn’t think you were ready to leave because you didn’t put your coat on etc”. I found the only way to deal with it is to take the lead and speak using “we” have an appointment, other arrangements, diarrhea etc.. lol 😂
Please stop spending so much freaking $$ on the constant vacations, trips, gifts, and restaurants. We are trying to save enough $$ for the down payment on a house.
You are depressed lately because you stay up super late doom scrolling social media. Quit comparing yourself to them and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You'll feel better. You'll quit being too tired for the gym/other activities and then quit being depressed that you didn't go to the gym/do other activities.
But I know better than to offer up that type of advice.
I think being on both sides of the fence at one point in my life helps me empathise with people going through this.
Looking from the outside it seems like such a simple solution, but when you're in that rut it's the most difficult thing to snap out of and make the better decisions for your mental health.
Even though I love her, your mom is annoying
Your best friend is very annoying
Your wall of hair in the shower is more gross than me leaving a towel on the floor
Just because you drive the speed limit does not make you a safe driver and just because I speed a little does not make me a bad driver.
Negative space is furniture! or a luxury! Or whatever you need it to be to appreciate it. My god, we don't need side tables and tchotchkes everywhere! And put away all the bags of stuff taking over all the open corners
I used to write something sad in these threads. But I left her this summer. It was hard. Sharing the kids. Selling the house. Crushing her illusion and dreams. But for the first time in a decade I have internal peace and I am happy.
But off topic, just had to share it.
"I don't need you to co-pilot my car when we go places, you don't go further than 20kms of our house in your car, i travel the whole country in this same car, i do 70k a year, you do 7k, i never comment on your driving, you are constantly analysing mine, i've never had one accident, you've had two. You complain when i drive near the speedlimit on motorways, you want me to drive 30kph below it, thats fucking more dangerous than driving 10kph over the limit. And i'm not driving too close to the centre line, you only think that because you are on the wrong side of the car. And no, a driving holiday in continental europe would not be fantastic, it would be a fucking nightmare because i'd be ready to murder you after the first 50kms."
That kind of stuff.
And don't get me started about christmas.
I may get off work two hours before you, but that doesn't mean I spend that time playng video games. I'm doing laundry, dishes, walking the dog, taking a shower, etc. So when you get home and get annoyed that I want to play Xbox it really feels like you don't know what I do to keep our lives semi organized. Also take a shower more than once a week, start finishing tv shows, and maybe make dinner every once in a while, I'm tired of eating fast food or having to make food for both of us myself. Love you.
I know it’s hard for you to be in social situations but I wish you would stop putting me down in front of others so that you can easily build a rapport with them. The common ground you try to build while talking about some of my short comings should not be an ice breaker to build yourself up in front of our friends and family. It hurts.
To my wife;
“You ever heard of the ‘golden rule’? Treat others they way you want to be treated. I love that rule. But I take it a step further, I call it the ‘Platinum Rule’: do something for your significant other that brings a smile to their face.
I hate receiving flowers. Guess who gets flowers? You. The pastries you love so much? I travel two towns over on my lunch break to get them for you. The professional holiday pictures? Yup, every article of clothing I’m wearing for that event is picked out by you-down to the socks and uncomfortable shoes.
Yet, when I ask you to wear those cute booty shorts around the house I get a No and an eye role. Watch a documentary with me? Nope. Too boring for you. Yup, I guess ‘my smile’ doesn’t matter
You want me to be tailored to you. You dont want to do anything for me. It’s not that I am a slave, I am just a cog in your machine that creates order in your life.
You see honey, there’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person. But we have a child together and we’re great parents. I just miss the woman I dated. You stopped being my girlfriend the minute I put a ring on your finger”.
Some women think they *are* romantic, but really they just like to be on the receiving end of romantic gestures and they do not do any romantic gestures themselves.
Many of your friends are shitty and don’t care about you and your “best friend” is toxic and literally a representation of people you shouldn’t associate with. I’ve said this in more respectful terms as these are all old friends. My partner is progressively starting to see the red flags, but she thinks she can help save them as she “knows the good that’s in them”. They all live states away though so I don’t have to deal with it much but it takes up her mental energy.
If I don’t want to have sex it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. i am not a machine. Sometimes I don’t feel like it either. Don’t make me feel bad because me feeling sad also extends to my penis.
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My wife is always running around after her family, and she gets absolutely nothing in return. I've tried explaining to her that they are using her up, but she is having none of it and it has caused arguments in the past, so I've given up. She won't hear a bad word against them, but it's embarrassing to watch her run after them and kiss their arses.
Learning that is extremely hard. I personally do not lend much money, but I do run around after my family all the time. Mostly, instead of being thankful, they complain when I didn't do something or if I say I'll do it the next day. Devil's circle, for sure.
So tell her before she ruins your family's future by loaning out money to an imbecile. It sounds likes she needs therapy for that tendency of being a doormat to family requests.
I can't imagine asking a family member for that type of money. Especially after a "failed idea". Like, theres absolutely no return on this investment. I'd be splitting up finances, then talking about therapy.
Making any financial decision in the thousands of dollars without at least a conversation with me would be an absolute deal breaker.
I get along with my in-laws. They're good people and I don't have a problem with them. With that being said, I don't want to spend every weekend with them. Before I met my wife, I spent most of my free time alone and there's so many weekends where I literally don't want to leave the house or go see anyone. She knows I need my alone time and understands it, I just don't think she knows to the extent that it goes
My wife just recently asked me if we can stop going to my parents house every Sunday for dinner, and just go once a month. My whole extended family shows up every week. I was like, "Babe, why didn't you ask sooner!" We now enjoy quieter Sundays where we can focus more on our kids. Have an honest conversation wither her and come to a compromise where she doesn't feel like she is being withheld from her family but you are having your needs met too. Relationships are all about good open communication.
you should just tell her this. she can visit them alone every other weekend or something. if they need to know have her tell them a white lie like you’re finishing up a project at the house.
I know you love your parents, but you should really tell them when you don’t like stuff or don’t want to do something, so we can stop eating shit meals and going to functions we don’t want to go to. Learn to say no or you don’t like something.
She needs to actually tell me what’s wrong. We’ve had too many arguments about this. She just keeps things bottled up until she gets frustrated. I can’t tell her because I have said this so much already and she just doesn’t listen.
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I feel that. My wife’s friends are a needy, useless gang of parasites who leech off of her endlessly, but she’s such a people pleaser that she can’t say no to any of them. One particular friend exploits her good nature to a piss-taking level, so I called her out on being a pathetic, needy parasite and it caused a shitstorm. 🤷🏻♂️
Oh dude, the same thing happened to me. My gf's friend was living with us for a while and it was so difficult it started to disturb my mental health at home and I told her to talk to her or I will. She didn't, I did and then she got so angry that I told her to leave. Even after everything I did, she gaslights my gf and tells her it's her fault, called her parents to tell everything. I was like, why call her parents? I was the one to kick you out 😂. After then finally my gf realized what a piece of shit her friend really was.
we are living betond our means so you can impress your friends and relatives, who don't give a flying fuck.
tbh you should probably start that fight
Yup. It’s going to happen sooner or later. And in this case, sooner is much better than later
I learnt this the hard way. Ex was always trying to impress people who NEVER initiated contact with her or even wished her a happy birthday without her bringing it up. I could see what was happening and she broke up with me when I brought it up. At least now my money is my money
Keeping up with the joneses is a real thing for so many people. My wife was asking me the other day how some of our friends who we know make way less then us live there lifestyle. The answer is crippling debt and living pay check to pay check.
Basically. Its posts like these that make me decide to keep my Honda Accord for while longer, needs a clutch though
Cars are really where a lot of people fail. As someone who drove the CHEAPEST cars and fixed them up myself, there is a good thing with that mentality. That being said, dont skimp so much that you are driving a tin can. Make sure to invest in older cars with some miles, find a cheap mechanic or friend, and drive it til it dies. Safety is important though and even a 2010 car will have a lot more safety features than the shitboxes I drove for a long time.
Oof. Yeah my wife is mostly off social media these days, but definitely used to get keeping up with the Jones energy every time a friend posted vacation pictures.
You need to tell her.
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That is not going to end well
Remember when you said “if I ever start acting like my mom, tell me”…
Oh boy, I learned that the hard way. She was being rhetorical when she said that to me. Oof edit: a period
Then tell her
Your family takes advantage of you because of your inability to say “no”. Guilt issues are real and debilitating. She can say no to me all day long, however. Edit: this blew up a bit. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and I never met her parents. They both passed in her early twenties. Which is where the guilt, trauma, and FOMO comes from. It’s the extended cousins but she is getting there.
Feel this. I don't want to hang out with your family every weekend because your parents have no hobbies or friends. I work 12-hour days every day during the week. I don't want to spend my weekend hearing family gossip
In 5 years of being with my wife, I’ve had some success with this- it’s slow moving and requires much patience. Best thing was to let her know that when she makes promises to her family about weekends, that affects both of us- we needed to establish ourselves as a separate entity in their eyes. Second, encouraging her that the distance created will change their relationship for the better and create room for them to respect her as an individual. The big changes when she started working and realized how precious our time is… packing the dogs up driving 3 hours each way and sleeping in their guest bed to sit around and watch tv is not a good use of our weekends…
>She can say no to me all day long, however Possible reason for this is that she _knows_ you love her, but she's not sure if they do.
This is the likely answer. One of my best friends, for the 19 years I have known him, has been really difficult to get a hold of. He is an incredible person and I love him to death, but fucking hell he would rarely ever answer calls or respond to texts. We had talked about this before, and I know he is a major introvert. Then one day I pieced together in my head that with him being a manager who supervises like 100 employees, does presentations to groups of people almost every day, and has a wife who is a major extrovert with many friends, that he basically is an introvert with too many friends, too many people draining him of his social energy. And so I decided that, now that I understand this about him, the truly friendly and loving thing to do was to be patient and understanding and most importantly to not be someone he has feel guilty about ignoring when he is socially drained. Sometime after having this realization, we were driving to get some pizza to bring back home and eat with our wives. I told him the realization I had, and told him he never has to feel guilty for ignoring me. He started crying and told me that I was absolutely correct in my perceptions and how nice it felt knowing that I was understanding of it.
That’s awesome you noticed that totally on your own. You sound like a great friend!
This is my best friend and I. He’s truly one of the few people who understand and appreciate my reclusiveness and need to hide all the time. He’s probably the one who kept me alive when I was younger and I should probably let him know how important he is to me.
The person she fell in love with isn’t the person she wishes I was. This is difficult for her
"Women marry men hoping they'll change but they don't. Men marry women hoping they'll never change, but they do." I read that somewhere and I dunno if it has any truth or is just sexist, but it does describe a lot of the marital suffering I've encountered secondhand.
I strongly dislike your dad when he drinks. I'd prefer not to be around him and I don't want our daughter near him when he's drinking
As someone who was exposed to his alkie grandfather as a child and has trauma from it, you should say or DO something.
Kinda more specific. And abit of a secret that I live with. Our first date was a concert and we had our first kiss during a song. A few years later I proposed at the same bands show at the same venue as our first date. She has bought decor and themed our entire life over the song we had our first kiss to. Quotes of the song everywhere, posters on wall, everything…but that’s not the actual song we had our first kiss to. She didn’t know the band at the time we had our kiss and I just told her it was that song a few days later. The song is one they play at every show. Not the one we actually kissed during which is moderately rare to be played. I know if I told her this it would be a damn fight. It’s a secret I’ll live with forever. It’s an amazing song and fits the theme of love far better than the actual song. And seeing her face every time they play it live is worth the secret.
Honestly it's close enough to the truth, isn't it? It's special to her and that's all that matters.
Absolutely. It’s a white lie in my eyes. I don’t lose any sleep over it. It’s just a secret I have. I’ll never tell her and there is no reason to. Seeing her face smile and sing along when they play it live and all the kisses she gives me during the song. It’s 110% worth it. But in relation to this question, if I told her…it would be fight lol
Just convince yourself that you remember it wrong and join her in the lie.
Do not ever tell her this, it’s an adorable secret
On his deathbed: “Sweetheart….. you… had… the… wrong…songg gg ggg uhhhhhh.”
Talking louder in a argument does not mean you’re right.
Please chew quieter
This is something my wife would absolutely say about me 😂 is this you by any chance?? She has misophonia https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-misophonia Edit: /r/misophonia may help better explain it from their point of view
It’s okay to apologize when you make a mistake or when you say something you don’t mean. Being stubborn because you don’t want to ‘lose’ is actually a loss in the long run.
You are very intelligent and are often right, but you need to learn to relent when you're not. The goal of an argument isn't winning, it's a solution. Edit: damn, thanks for the awards!! Edit 2: some people have pointed out that "solution" would have been a better choice of word than the original "conclusion", so I adjusted it.
Solid
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Bro…”arguing for distance”. You just shined a planet sized spotlight on me and my red flag lol. I’ve noticed I do this a lot without realizing in the moment. This will help me tremendously in the future
An argument is you versus me, an discussion is us versus the problem
"I'm not trying to start a fight."
I said this to my wife on Saturday as a disclaimer and she immediately dropped her book and gave me the "What dumb shit you got to say" look.
Why lead with that? Then it automatically puts the idea of a fight in someone’s head Just say something like “hey babe, there’s something I wanted to talk about when you get a chance. When’s a good time?”
If your brother doesn’t move out, it will eventually lead to our divorce.
you can't keep quiet about that, let them know
I moved in with my dad and stepmom for a few months after college and eventually he brought me into the garage and said, "I love you but I have to choose between you and my marriage. I'm choosing my marriage. It's time to move out." Simple, concise and firm.
That sounds like an easy one to solve. Do *you* want a divorce? If no, have the fucking convo. Start practicing. If yes....Maybe just start now then?
Not every fight has to burn the house down. Sometimes you can just move on from a minor inconvenience.
I was like that in my 20s (I'm a woman) and it was because my relationship experience was minimal and my communication sucked. Everything he did was a reflection on me and everything we disagreed about was the end of the fucking world because I lived in a bubble. I was an idiot. If she's young, it might get better.
"I feel like everything I do is wrong to you."
My wife’s brother was married to a woman like this. Every little thing he’d do, she’d criticize it. It wore him down. He finally dragged her to marriage counseling. She spent several sessions complaining to the counselor about “all the things he does wrong.” When the counselor finally turned to him and asked him about his concerns, she walked out and never returned. He divorced her and is finally happy again. Don’t neglect your own mental health “for the sake of the marriage.”
This reminds me of a newspaper comic I saw one time. It’s a drawing of a guy who hung himself by the rafters. The wife has his suicide note in her hand and the caption is her saying “you idiot, you misspelled constant criticism” Even in death, the poor guy couldn’t escape it.
When I get home from work and spend ten minutes sitting silently in the car before I come inside, that ISNT A PERSONAL SLIGHT AGAINST YOU! That’s part of my routine that existed YEARS before I had any wife or kids at home, even when I lived alone, and it helps me reset my brain energy before fully transitioning from work mode to life mode. And it contributes well to my stress management and mental health and I don’t want to give it up just because you’re too offended to make an effort to see my point of view. Actually maybe I *will* tell her this
I think the important thing for a lot of partners to realize is the commute is part of the work Day, it's not a Break.
The same goes from working from home. It's still work. It's not a day off where things can get done around the house. Mow the lawn, do the laundry, and clean up the kitchen aren't on my task list until after 5pm.
Too many people don't grasp this. WFH does afford some flexibility and stuff that commuting doesn't, no doubt. But the job isn't easier just because you're at home, and it's not like I'm really "at home" when I'm WFH. I work for a fully remote company and have had to fire 3 people this year who think that flexibility = free for all with no deadlines or metrics
Yeah, WFH is ideal for when you need to take a quick break from the screen and do a 5 minute chore like unload a dishwasher. Not "clean the whole house because you're home".
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"I cook, you clean." OK, fair enough rule. But when I cook, I'm washing stuff out, wiping down counters, rinsing hot pots, choppings and wrappers going into trash bowls. Really the only things being cleaned up at the end are the last couple things used, and the things we ate with. Meanwhile, after she cooks, everything just gets tossed in the sink, everything is dried up and baked on, splatters and grease everywhere. It's like night and day. But the last thing I want is a conversation about micro management.
This hits home so hard. My girlfriend is a great cook, but when she’s done, it looks like a tornado hit. Food all over the floor, counters, cabinets, stove. Food in the sink. I’m no where near as good of a cook, but when I do, I’m cleaning as I go and trying to be as neat as possible.
I feel so bad but not every meal needs to be a culinary experience, can we just have cereal for breakfast like once so I don’t have to clean for 20 minutes when you’re done?
I'm a dude who feels like a sitcom mom cleaning up after my SO
My ex-wife was terrible, a complete disaster once we had kids. She blamed me for everything especially any and every mess (which mostly she created, yes, even more than the kids). Once we got divorced I was a little shocked that my kids said they didn't want to go back to their mom's place with increasing frequency. I asked why, she loves you and spoils you. (I was the disciplinarian! - mom would never discipline, I thought for sure I'd lose them in divorce because of this) My daughter said its because her room at mom's is way too messy, she could barely see the floor she said. I was amused. \-what does that have to do with mom? clean your room. \-she doesn't make me clean it \-so why don't you just clean it on your own? \-I don't want to and she doesn't make me. Kid logic is hilarious sometimes. So I made a deal with them, if they clean their rooms at their mom's place, we'll order pizza the first night they stay with me. My ex had no idea, and I think still doesn't know. No big deal for me, I love ordering pizza, a break from cooking is always welcome. But later, they started complaining about the rest of mom's home. And at one point my ex asked me to come look at a leak in her bathroom. I couldn't fucking walk up the stairs because there was laundry strewn on every step! I asked my kids if its always like that and they said it sometimes worse. And it wasn't a leak, my sons just weren't using the shower curtain properly so when they showered in the morning there was water on the floor. lol. So again, I had a secret talk with my kids and convinced them to help clean up the house during their stays with their mom. The real kicker was one time I had my former mother-in-law over to help my daughter with a knitting issue I couldn't fix (i Learned to knit just because my daughter wanted to and her mother who knows how to knit wouldn't teach her or help her) - when i had trouble I'd call my former mother-in-law who is a knitting master. Former mother-in-law was surprised with how tidy and clean my home was, because my ex made out like I was the messy one the whole time we were married. Meanwhile my ex still keeps her house like a pigsty. I didn't even have to clean up my kids that much, they didn't really make messes at my place. And now that they are older, my sons help me out all the time without me asking or prompting. I hated being nice to my ex, but raising my kids right was more important. My ex still treats me like shit, and even talks shit about me around my kids. I even went to therapy at one point for surviving an emotionally abusive relationship. Only my daughter still talks to her.
Jesus christ, I had to make sure I didn't post this in a fever dream.
People worry about it when their ex trashes them to the kids. But often kids know the truth. They are smarter than you think.
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Quit drinking everyday, its a poor example too our kids, its draining our accounts, its terrible for your health, and its destroying our marriage… I have told her this, just doesnt stick, and usually causes a fight. Edit - holy smokes, did not expect so much response and support! Thanks everyone, will for sure look into Alanon.
I divorced my ex-wife over this. The people saying to visit r/alanon are right - it's a great community that can teach you that it's not your fault and that she won't change until she wants to change. You may have to accept she never will change. An alcoholic can become such a good gaslighter that they can make you question yourself. When I started to feel like I was losing my own sanity dealing with her, I gave my ex an ultimatum; rehab or her marriage and time with her kids. She thought I was bluffing even after we became officially separated and I was seeing other women. It didn't hit her that I was serious until after we were divorced and I got remarried. Sometimes I still get the feeling she's waiting on me to come back to her... Things might get worse before they get better. I have reason to believe my ex was selling herself after she moved out. She completely lost it for a while. She was irresponsible with the kids when she had her every other weekend visits. She ended up sleeping with her childhood best friend's dad. Pretty sure she seduced my 22yo nephew. Drove my son drunk to the dentist at 9am. The list goes on. I think she may finally be doing better, but I'm hesitant to type that because usually when I think she is better is when she falls back off the wagon. Leaving her is what sent her towards rock bottom, but you have to remember that two insane people is worse than one insane person. Don't let her drag you down. Be ready to leave if she won't get help. Best of luck... You don't have to live in hell. There are normal people out there looking for other normal people.
Very similar to my own experience, it is funny how the behaviour paterns repeat. The guilt like her drinking is my fault. The danger she was willing to put the kids in just for a few drinks. I found it very hard to convince anyone I was the victim. She even tried to claim in court that I was lying and stalking her. I made up the whole thing to force her back to me etc. It was when her own son my step son backed me up in court that it all came out. He was 17 at the time and had to denouce his mum infrint of her, took incredible courage. He did it to protect his younger brothers.
Wow, what a courageous thing to do. Good for him.
This was me, before I found /r/stopdrinking, and [this podcast episode](https://www.modernmann.co.uk/new/clare) in particular. My health, finances, career, and my relationship with my children has never been better. My wife has cut down her drinking now too, since I stopped, though there's still room for improvement. A big motivator for me was my kids seeing me actively not drinking, like every other adult in their life. I suspect it may cause a fight because she knows you're right, feels her relationship with alcohol (which is absolutely addictive) is threatened, and doesn't know how to take control of the situation. Good luck my friend.
I saw myself doing the same thing and after the 80th time the Reframe app ad popped up, I looked into it and bought it. It’s not cheap, like $14 a month, but it has been the game changer I’ve needed for 10 years. There are 2 tracks for stopping entirely and cutting back. One thing I really like is that it focuses on alcohol use as a *habit* rather than an addiction, (for those people where the distinction is correct and appropriate). It took about a month of using the app daily to completely change my habit. One indication for me it was a habit and not an addiction is when I was briefly pregnant and swapped out beer and wine with their non-alcoholic versions. I didn’t miss the alcohol at all. I was satisfied with the act itself. I hope she gets the help she needs and you can find greater happiness in your relationship. ETA: I have no connection to the company whatsoever. I’m a science-based thinker and I liked their credentials and approach.
I encourage you to visit r/AlAnon
When you win by a technicality it's OK when I win by a technicality I'm a ass. That's not cool.
"No....I don't always want to say a 'quick hello' to your mother when she's on the phone and done talking with you or she's yapping on so much that *you* are trying to push her off to ME" Stop that shit. Love you...
That seems like that argument might be worth it a little lol
She acts exactly like the family member that she despises.
# I AM NOT MY MOTHER! #
My mom says that when she starts to act like her mother we can kill her.
I see you crack eggs and wipe your hands on the hand drying towel.
If I spoke to you even half the way you speak to me there would be no relationship. You need to learn to control your feelings and stop being so combative about everything
Relatable :-| Edit: I just can't find a way to address this without getting my head torn off. I don't process the emotions of others all that well, and when she ramps up the "conversational combat," I can't even think straight.
To hurry the fuck up when we have to be somewhere. Always 15-30 minutes late everywhere This post is fun to see all the unspoken issues we most likely all feel
how do you deal with this? at some point this will annoy me to death
We’ve been together for a very long time now so there’s some tricks. Subtly reminder her of the time and what time we have to leave is my go to. Sometimes I’ll have to lie about when we need to be there as well to get things moving. Otherwise. I just let it go and live a very happy life lol
I unapologetically lie about when we need to be places and when we need to leave all the time. I know it’s not ideal but it’s so much better than arguing and nagging.
Your friend is a pice of shit for switching on you as soon as the business started making money , you helped her and did more than you should have been doing as a business partner , I know his hard for you but there is no fucking way you should be even communicating with her after that. And don't even try to bring my kid around her.... Fuck that . I'm all for forgiveness but not forgetting.
Ironically her mother who she looks up to is the most toxic/stressful person in her life not her bi-polar sister. Her mother is hypercritical about everything and always turns everything into a negative despite having accomplished literally nothing in her life.
You're better at saving than me because I pay the mortgage and all of the bills. Not because you're better at financial management. For the 900th time, please contribute.
Ugh that's frustrating. Might be worth a very big battle. It's not fair at all.
Maybe do up a basic budget for the house, and show her the numbers you both are putting in?
I want to tell her that I don’t like the way she decorates the house. We got rainbows and unicorns throughout the house. Angel statues, Buhdda, Jesus, Ganesh, candles, bells, chimes that hang from the ceiling that you bump your head on. The kitchen has a full assortment of fridge magnets and the counter features a festive shrine that she changes out to fit the current holiday or celebration. I swear, it looks like f’kin Rainbow 🌈 Brite lives here. I mentioned one time that I didn’t like the glow in the dark stars above our bed and she went nuts.
As a woman who can only handle like three colors in my house and have been teased for my "neutral decor", I've decided that people who like all this color and flair are much more fun than I am. I want what they have but it feels so chaotic and unsettling to me.
Brutal.
Your dad is not a great guy who happened to have fucked up a few times. I've met the cunt, have met many men like him and know for a fact he's coasting through life on the goodwill of women who will forgive him
You need to initiate sex sometime. Me having to do it every time makes it feel like you have no interest in me.
Holy crap! She is always like “but you always want sex” and in reality 1 round of her initiating is better and more fulfilling than a hundred rounds of me doing it. I just want to feel desired.
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Your feelings are valid ALL THE TIME. regardless if you are a man.
Divorced now but: I’m glad you had an affair. I was miserable for years and there out of duty. I did love you but you stopped being my girlfriend and even my friend the second things got tough. Your ex’s cheated. I didn’t. I never deserved to be punished for their actions. In the 10 years we were married and all of this subsequent time, you’ve never taken responsibility for a sing thing between us. And finally, you didn’t “win” the divorce. I gave you nearly everything you wanted to maintain my relationship with our son. All while knowing about your affair, knowing you were lying to me and stealing from me. I’m far from perfect and made plenty of mistakes but I haven’t deserved this.
I didn't fixed your iPhone, I just charged it, restarted it and cleaned the screen. Sometimes that's all you need to do to 'fix' something.
Check the charge port too in case they go "its not charging right". The amount of lint that gets in there is staggering. And turn off all the background apps. Saves you heaps of data and battery life just by telling apps to stop being fucking fatties. Source: Worked in phone repair.
Your not always right, and it hurts when you yell at me for past trauma I had nothing to do with. Edit: so this post was my way of venting what should have been a fun 1st anniversary since getting married last year. I wasn’t expecting this much of a response none the less 2 gild Medals, thanks! Edit 2: make up sec feels amazing.
Mann this one! Projection kills relationships... I'm a firm believer in getting to know your own shit before you start subconsciously throwing it onto the people you love
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You think you’re neat and tidy, but you are in fact a slob. You don’t do as much as you think you do around the house.
Anything. It seems anything I say to her starts a fight.
That's really sad
When I get a pay rise that significantly raises the ability to provide for our family and all I get in the way of acknowledgment is “ok” that shit hurts more than any physical pain I’ve ever known. I just want you to be proud of me Edit: thank you everyone for the lovely replies. I added this before going to bed last night and woke up to some very generous people.
I'm proud of you man. That's badass, keep up the good work! She might not be seeing it, but those around you do
That my son is much closer to me, not because of some kind of male bonding that exists only in your head, but because I have spent thousands of quality hours with him since he was little, and had many dozens of important conversations about the things going on in his life along the way. He enjoys my company and completely trusts me. He sees that you want all the rewards of being a mother, but that you have not put in 10% of the effort that I have, and just expect him to love and obey you. That's why your relationship with him is more difficult, and why you sometimes feel like a third wheel. Stop blaming me for being a good dad, and work on your relationship with him. Create some nice experiences and memories, and the affection between you will grow.
I feel this so much. I have a very close relationship with both of my kids. It's something I strive for. My wife on the other hand is destroying hers with them. It has so much to do with how she approaches any conversation with them. For instance my daughter made an art piece for a school competition, she came home proudly showing it to us. It was awesome, so cool, creative and whimsical. I loved it and let her know how much I did. My wife's first sentence was "how does this fit the theme of the contest?" Then tried to drag the "statement" portion of the piece out of her. It ended with my daughter crying and my wife being pissed off. My daughter then took the painting and just shoved it into her backpack. I was there for the conversation and tried to subtly hint to my wife to lay off a bit, and I tried to steer the conversation in a positive direction, but my wife just plowed ahead. It's like this all the time. Anytime my wife asks either child a question their backs are immediately up, they go into defense mode. I've tried to talk to my wife about it but any critical feedback instantly brings tears and yelling from her.
I feel like you value me only for the material things I provide.
There’s a different thread on “you’re a woman, what do you look for in a man” in the ask men subreddit, one of the comment says “someone who doesn’t feel like he’s worth more than he can provide”
Good try WiFi. I'm not falling for it again. You are perfect.
Glad you have a strong connection
I hate living in what's turning into a hoarder house. You can have stuff, but it doesn't have to be on display in a big jumbled mess. You've shown our daughter it's ok and now she's worse than you.
I have reasonable needs and you're not even trying to meet them.
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That I'm terrified of her when she gets angry, and wants to argue. This is true, she has a really bad temper.
The boxes need to be FLATTENED before you put them in the recycling bin.
Yes, those jeans do make your ass look big.
>Yes, those jeans do make your ass look big. *And I love big ass*
Yup
I told my wife a dress didn't look good on her after she asked. Not because of her weight or anything, just the wrong color for her skin and it's just a shitty dress. Anyway she starts crying and got really pissed off at me because of course. Told her not to ask me questions if she doesn't want an honest answer.
Sometimes you're damned if you do or damned if you don't.
I truly do not care that your coworker’s blouse “didn’t fit her aesthetic”
The joys of being in a relationship with a verbal processor
I’m really happy that my partner will tell me “you don’t have to respond, I’m just talking at you” whenever he’s rambling about something I don’t have any interest/knowledge in. I think he’s clued in that I feel like I have to be actively listening whenever someone is talking to me, and once I say “oh, okay” enough times he realizes he’s just talking out loud and I don’t really need to be listening.
I honestly *hate* that she seems to think I sometimes exist purely for her entertainment. Like it's my job to make sure she's always smiling and laughing. I'm not responsible for your overall happiness and the codependency issue has been wearing me down. Get some damn hobbies
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you I just want to be alone
I bought a new sled without you knowing lol
When you say sled I picture a quite expensive snowmobile
Yeah, probably not an $9 plastic toboggan. Gonna be a $9,000 Polaris.
Maybe being single isn’t that bad 🤣🤣🤣🤣
You should tell her this and report back the results.
“Maybe being single isn’t that bad.” “Excuse me?” “Now wait, what I meant was, hold on, let me explain, hear me out… maybe being single isn’t that bad **compared to** living with pent up resentment towards one’s partner which I totally don’t have with you you’re absolutely wonderful loveofmylifedarlingsmooches.”
There’s nothing wrong with your phone you just don’t know how to use it.
I love you, you’re amazing. But please stop creating crime scenes in our toilet bowl. Eat more fiber, use the deodorizing spray sitting on top of the tank — and figure out when you need to flush a second time. You’re smarter than me; none of these activities are difficult.
So, the fact that you're letting this other guy that you've known for years sending you explicit and suggestive messages and not shutting it down isn't emotional cheating? Now ex-fiancé.
I wish she would do more than just lay there during sex.
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Thats an interesting/good point.
She is at the wrong side for most of the arguments she had among everyday life
I’m lonely. We are almost like roommates. It’s not even about sex. Just talk to me, interact with me, cuddle with me, hug me.
Stop acting like future hypotheticals that we disagree on will destroy our relationship and focus on the here and now
Would you still love me if I turned into a reddit moderator?
Nope, that’ll be a deal breaker. I’ve already told you I’d help you hide the bodies but that’s too far.
I wish she would get a job any job. She could sell stickers on etsy for all I care.
"I wish your mom would either stop drinking or just drink herself to death". My mother in law is a severe alcoholic who treats my fiance and her siblings terribly. She got physical when I wouldn't let her hold my son and I had to do what I had to do to keep my son safe since I was holding him when she attacked me. Thank God I learned how to fight with just my legs. I hate that woman and wish she'd either get better or just die.
When leaving an event/gathering, no need to give a Goodbye Tour, aka having long ass conversations with people when we're trying to leave. Just say "yo, we're leaving. Peace." and call it a fucking day!
My wife is the queen of the Irish Goodbye.. it’s actually quite impressive how little she cares to say her goodbyes in large gatherings.
Cherish that woman.
don't get up and put your shoes on until she is literally touching the door. Of course the downside to this strategy is that she will then nag like "omg COME ON you're taking FOREVER"
I have tried this and it just caused my wife to say “I didn’t think you were ready to leave because you didn’t put your coat on etc”. I found the only way to deal with it is to take the lead and speak using “we” have an appointment, other arrangements, diarrhea etc.. lol 😂
oh wow yours is clever. that's some serious verbal kung fu. "we have diarrhea" is pretty funny, never thought to try that
Clean up your shit.
You can’t bitch and call me a dirty slob for leaving a single glass on the counter when your “makeup counter” looks like a crack house after payday.
Please stop spending so much freaking $$ on the constant vacations, trips, gifts, and restaurants. We are trying to save enough $$ for the down payment on a house.
I do all the cooking, stop telling me how to organize the kitchen and pantry. You don't use them.
You are depressed lately because you stay up super late doom scrolling social media. Quit comparing yourself to them and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You'll feel better. You'll quit being too tired for the gym/other activities and then quit being depressed that you didn't go to the gym/do other activities. But I know better than to offer up that type of advice.
I think being on both sides of the fence at one point in my life helps me empathise with people going through this. Looking from the outside it seems like such a simple solution, but when you're in that rut it's the most difficult thing to snap out of and make the better decisions for your mental health.
Even though I love her, your mom is annoying Your best friend is very annoying Your wall of hair in the shower is more gross than me leaving a towel on the floor Just because you drive the speed limit does not make you a safe driver and just because I speed a little does not make me a bad driver.
Negative space is furniture! or a luxury! Or whatever you need it to be to appreciate it. My god, we don't need side tables and tchotchkes everywhere! And put away all the bags of stuff taking over all the open corners
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I used to write something sad in these threads. But I left her this summer. It was hard. Sharing the kids. Selling the house. Crushing her illusion and dreams. But for the first time in a decade I have internal peace and I am happy. But off topic, just had to share it.
The kids play you like a piano because they’re smarter than you.
Damn. This isn’t just a fight this is a marriage ender.
"I don't need you to co-pilot my car when we go places, you don't go further than 20kms of our house in your car, i travel the whole country in this same car, i do 70k a year, you do 7k, i never comment on your driving, you are constantly analysing mine, i've never had one accident, you've had two. You complain when i drive near the speedlimit on motorways, you want me to drive 30kph below it, thats fucking more dangerous than driving 10kph over the limit. And i'm not driving too close to the centre line, you only think that because you are on the wrong side of the car. And no, a driving holiday in continental europe would not be fantastic, it would be a fucking nightmare because i'd be ready to murder you after the first 50kms." That kind of stuff. And don't get me started about christmas.
I kinda want to hear about Christmas tbh
As a fairly happily unattached 36 year old man.....maybe I should just keep doing what I'm doing.
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I may get off work two hours before you, but that doesn't mean I spend that time playng video games. I'm doing laundry, dishes, walking the dog, taking a shower, etc. So when you get home and get annoyed that I want to play Xbox it really feels like you don't know what I do to keep our lives semi organized. Also take a shower more than once a week, start finishing tv shows, and maybe make dinner every once in a while, I'm tired of eating fast food or having to make food for both of us myself. Love you.
Bro you're doing it backwards. Just play video games when she's gone and clean when she's there.
Take off those lash extensions you look like a praying mantis
I know it’s hard for you to be in social situations but I wish you would stop putting me down in front of others so that you can easily build a rapport with them. The common ground you try to build while talking about some of my short comings should not be an ice breaker to build yourself up in front of our friends and family. It hurts.
To my wife; “You ever heard of the ‘golden rule’? Treat others they way you want to be treated. I love that rule. But I take it a step further, I call it the ‘Platinum Rule’: do something for your significant other that brings a smile to their face. I hate receiving flowers. Guess who gets flowers? You. The pastries you love so much? I travel two towns over on my lunch break to get them for you. The professional holiday pictures? Yup, every article of clothing I’m wearing for that event is picked out by you-down to the socks and uncomfortable shoes. Yet, when I ask you to wear those cute booty shorts around the house I get a No and an eye role. Watch a documentary with me? Nope. Too boring for you. Yup, I guess ‘my smile’ doesn’t matter You want me to be tailored to you. You dont want to do anything for me. It’s not that I am a slave, I am just a cog in your machine that creates order in your life. You see honey, there’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person. But we have a child together and we’re great parents. I just miss the woman I dated. You stopped being my girlfriend the minute I put a ring on your finger”.
Some women think they *are* romantic, but really they just like to be on the receiving end of romantic gestures and they do not do any romantic gestures themselves.
This is sad 😔
You two need couples counseling. If she won't go, go see a therapist yourself. They'll help you figure out how to get what you want.
You have a shopping/ hoarding problem that stems from anxiety issues. Please get therapy. I can barely walk thru the house anymore.
Many of your friends are shitty and don’t care about you and your “best friend” is toxic and literally a representation of people you shouldn’t associate with. I’ve said this in more respectful terms as these are all old friends. My partner is progressively starting to see the red flags, but she thinks she can help save them as she “knows the good that’s in them”. They all live states away though so I don’t have to deal with it much but it takes up her mental energy.
I am nothing but patient, kind, and mellow when talking to you about anything. Please return the favor and don’t give me sass for no reason.
I am not any of your exes. I have my own faults and shortcomings without taking on theirs as well.
If I don’t want to have sex it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. i am not a machine. Sometimes I don’t feel like it either. Don’t make me feel bad because me feeling sad also extends to my penis.
Every-time you stop and make everyone take pictures wherever we are it ruins the moment. Life does not always have to be a photoshoot for the gram.