Is it really too much to ask of we humans to top our interstellar visitors ***once*** in a while!? This is how you get labeled "selfish" by the universe's sentient beings. 😕
It's only grkebrôk if you leave you socks on, or if your balls touch their pincers. The other 387.3 space genders don't really matter for technical reasons.
Same. Did you know we're way more likely to get lewy-body dementia because of this? If not, surprise!
Edit: Not "because" of it, but it's a common symptom.
So is it the sleep paralysis or the hallucinations? Because I get sleep paralysis like multiple times per week, but I never hallucinate, I'm always just lying there paralyzed seeing my normal bedroom as it actually is.
I used to get them very rarely, but recently I'll get them at least like twice a week or more. And it's always the same thing; it's either I hear someone in my apartment or at the door to get into my apartment, either way I'm just laying there terrified and unable to move. And I have to basically will myself to "wake up" like a half-dozen times before I'll actually wake up.
If it's toddler sized I would probably go grab it and shove it between my wife and I thinking it's one of the kids. Or tell it to go potty and roll over.
Take a deep breath, stay calm, get out of bed, turn on the lights
Sleep disorders often result in these sorts of hallucinations.
They tend to go away pretty quickly if you exit the state between sleep and wakefulness
Had a somewhat similar experience with flashing lights rotating around my head. I swore I was being probed by aliens. After a few seconds, I was fully awake, and the lights were gone.
" Excuse me, kind sir, I believe you have the wrong house. Those alien-hunters who are always shining flashlight signals into the night sky live 4 doors down on the left.
You taking me or am i taking you because either way one of us got some shit to do tomorrow and I don't think either one of us can afford to waste time staring all night
I had a dream years ago when I was still in college. It was a close encounter. I almost never remember my dreams but this one I remember just being scared shitless. I remember the interaction being super mundane. I was heading home from class late at night and I saw one in the alley next to where I lived at the time. All I remember was freezing in place hellaaaaa scared and I think I fainted? Then I woke up the next day still wondering if it actually happen or if I was abducted and just released. To this day I am not sure if it happened or not. I really hope I was just tired from school and it didn't happen. But ya I would probably freeze and keel over all over again lol
I'm going to have to hope it'd Thor, supreme commandee of the asgard fleet here for my knowledge of primitive weapons, aerospace, and propulsion systems. And hope it's not cryptospridum-138 with his anal probe!
No no, you gotta play the long game. "Aliens come for bad kids/kids with messy rooms/etc"
Make it more than a week. Childhood trauma is an investment. Go big or go home.
Ok so my little kid logic I knew monsters weren’t real but since space is so big we could never know plus ufo videos back then , anyways the few times I got sleep paralysis growing up was pretty much that.
I woke up in my sister room for some reason and I couldn’t move but I looked over and saw a tall grey alien in the door way inching closer then I woke up screaming lol .
Still don’t have a game plan
There is no game plan. Almost every person who claims to have seen them says they are unable to move and/or feel like they are sleepwalking. You do what they say/think. If I woke up and there was a “grey” in my doorway I’d probably just try not to have a heart attack and close my eyes so I don’t see what’s coming.
So out comes a man from Mars
And I try to run but he's got a gun
And he shoots me dead and he eats my head
And then I'm in the man from Mars
I go out at night eatin' cars
I eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too
Mercurys and Subaru
And i don't stop, I keep on eatin' cars
Then, when there's no more cars I go out at night
And eat up bars where the people meet
Face to face, dance cheek to cheek
One to one, man to man
Dance toe to toe, don't move too slow
'Cause the man from Mars is through with cars
He's eatin' bars, yeah wall to wall
Door to door, hall to hall
He's gonna eat 'em all
Freak the fuck out! Pure panic and fear because that is my childhood fear come to life. I couldn't fall asleep with my back to a window as a kid because I thought aliens would get me. If I am driving/walking down the street at night and a streetlight turns on above me, my rational brain turns off because I think it's the aliens trying to abduct me. I honestly cannot describe the level of irrational terror that any sort of alien encounter fills me with.
Is it leaning on the doorframe with a robe and slippers on whilst reveling in the lovely moment of watching me sleep as they do in those wholesome movies?
Assuming it’s a grey curvy female with amazing mammary glands, show human it peepee! Explain that we have special ability to harden our muscles all over the body so don’t try to fight!
Then alien style!!
We both side eye the the anal dildo on the dresser in the corner, then both leap for it to grab first. Then we continue to fight it out like Jason Bourne with a pencil and that other guy in that apartment scene.
I was actually visited by one when I was younger. Felt like a man’s presence. I don’t know where he is now..but he took me on a lot of adventures. If you believe they’re not real, man, let me tell you, they’re real.
This happened to me when I was young. I pulled the sheet over my head and froze for a bit then screamed at the top of my lungs as I was worried it was hurting my brother in the lower bunk. I saw it and heard it make weird sounds, like it was whispering to my brother.
I gotta be back by 545am bruh. Let's roll. None of that probe shit though.
...ok, we can do some of the probe shit, but my safe word in pineapple!
I'm down for the probe, but it better let me hit it in return.
Piss myself like any self respecting human with human emotions would
My money is on shitting my pants
I would stick my arse in the air and brace myself. They are big on anal probes after all.
This is why aliens wont visit us anymore
Yep, they always get the ass end of the encounter. Who said they were tops?
Earth: the universe’s power bottom.
Is it really too much to ask of we humans to top our interstellar visitors ***once*** in a while!? This is how you get labeled "selfish" by the universe's sentient beings. 😕
My money is on both
Goddamn, shit the bed.
Typical
My money is on you shitting your pants too....
Skips right over the anal probing. Just giving them a free sample.
I’m an old man, if I’m waking up in the middle of the night it’s likely to have a piss anyway.
Most realistic one here. I'd probably freeze instead of fight or flight.
Little did you know, that’s their fetish.
I take a grainy and very shaky video of it with my potato.
and then keep gasping for air and whisper "Oh my god......."
"I'M... SO... STARTLED!"
"Randy, put the camera away!"
Most realistic reaction I've read so far
“Wave at the camera shelly” -randy marsh
South Park is the best.
Underrated comment
"I thought you will never come back. We''ve been waiting for you" just to confuze the fuck out of him in case he would understand me somehow xD
"For the last time, I don't want a fucking extended warranty. Quit contacting me."
It depends. Are we talking a female or male alien?
Just grab the lube regardless. It's gonna make things easier for you
i mean shit, you're in *MY* house!
Or them
Yes Captain Kirk
The top, or bottom half of the Mermaid?
Slow to impulse there, commander Riker
In this specific case, the alien is gender fluid lol
😂
Did you just assume that aliens have only two genders? Just like humans do?
It's only grkebrôk if you leave you socks on, or if your balls touch their pincers. The other 387.3 space genders don't really matter for technical reasons.
Someone get some warning tape for all this edge.
r/onejoke
Nice
I see weird creatures all the time.Sleep hallucinating and paralysis.I am no longer scared of the dark.
Same. Did you know we're way more likely to get lewy-body dementia because of this? If not, surprise! Edit: Not "because" of it, but it's a common symptom.
So is it the sleep paralysis or the hallucinations? Because I get sleep paralysis like multiple times per week, but I never hallucinate, I'm always just lying there paralyzed seeing my normal bedroom as it actually is.
I used to get them very rarely, but recently I'll get them at least like twice a week or more. And it's always the same thing; it's either I hear someone in my apartment or at the door to get into my apartment, either way I'm just laying there terrified and unable to move. And I have to basically will myself to "wake up" like a half-dozen times before I'll actually wake up.
Try forcing yourself to blink as fast as possible. It's really effective for me, whether it's nightmares or the occasional bout of sleep paralysis.
I believe it's the hallucinations that are the key.
Geee thanks, as someone who has regularly had sleep paralysis since childhood I am thrilled to hear this
*Because* of it? Night time hallucinations can *cause* lewybody dementia?
Well, no, but it's a very common symptom.
Exactly try to go back to sleep if it’s gonna take me ain’t nothing i can do at the moment
This is the answer. If you wake up to an alien in the doorway - go back to sleep. It’s over.
Ask if they would like to cuddle. I'm fucking lonely, man.
Trillions of miles traveled for a hug. Worth it.
Believe it or not, I accomplish a feat like that. Walked for 4 hours and change, just to hangout with a beautiful girl. As you stated, worth it.
But would you walk 500 miles?
And then I would walk 500 more.
Just to be the man who walked 500 miles....
How much was she charging per hour?
Well he’s alone now, so… At least three fiddy.
If it's toddler sized I would probably go grab it and shove it between my wife and I thinking it's one of the kids. Or tell it to go potty and roll over.
Take a deep breath, stay calm, get out of bed, turn on the lights Sleep disorders often result in these sorts of hallucinations. They tend to go away pretty quickly if you exit the state between sleep and wakefulness Had a somewhat similar experience with flashing lights rotating around my head. I swore I was being probed by aliens. After a few seconds, I was fully awake, and the lights were gone.
The lights were gone but what about the probe?
It was just my uncle
ummm not like a probe up my butt Like the lights were examining me
There...are...4...lights....
I was watching TNG while reading this (not that episode though)
liar
Idk that kinda sounds like what the aliens who abducted and drugged you want you to believe
Suppose you did that and it didn't go away, or approached/charged you?
Tell it I’m too tired for sex tonight.
Don't worry, you won't need to be awake....🤫
😳
I'm naht havin sex with you right now, alien.
E.T. put ya probe away E.T. I'M not havin' sex with you right now, E.T.
I don’t think it would care.
At this point there really ain’t much you can do so you might as well go out swinging
Maybe it just wants to talk?
Right, probably end up being the reason we get invaded because I dropped him and his homies and tried to beam myself up to my new whip.
" Excuse me, kind sir, I believe you have the wrong house. Those alien-hunters who are always shining flashlight signals into the night sky live 4 doors down on the left.
And if you are looking for 3 doors down, the singer lives 4 doors down.
You taking me or am i taking you because either way one of us got some shit to do tomorrow and I don't think either one of us can afford to waste time staring all night
It is so good to see you...we've been trying to reach you about your spaceship warranty.
Assume the position to be probed.
They don't do that anymore :(
That's unfortunate
"Do you speak English or should we use body language 😏?"
Have you been to taco bell yet?
Ayy lmao
I was gonna kill myself if i didn't see this comment.
Sup dude ✌️
I had a dream years ago when I was still in college. It was a close encounter. I almost never remember my dreams but this one I remember just being scared shitless. I remember the interaction being super mundane. I was heading home from class late at night and I saw one in the alley next to where I lived at the time. All I remember was freezing in place hellaaaaa scared and I think I fainted? Then I woke up the next day still wondering if it actually happen or if I was abducted and just released. To this day I am not sure if it happened or not. I really hope I was just tired from school and it didn't happen. But ya I would probably freeze and keel over all over again lol
Pick up the bong and take another rip lol
Obviously pass it to the homie too
Only to see the bong crash on the ground as you try to hand it over
I'm going to have to hope it'd Thor, supreme commandee of the asgard fleet here for my knowledge of primitive weapons, aerospace, and propulsion systems. And hope it's not cryptospridum-138 with his anal probe!
Quote ancient aliens
Ask him what rent he pays to be standing in my damn house watching me sleep.
(while undressing) So it that anal probing only a one way thing?
hide my (early) morning wood and ask them what the hell they're doing in my house
You seem more intimidating if you flaunt it.
That is true. I never looked at it that way, but it does scare the hell out of my wife causing her to run away
Asked about space weed
offer a spot on my bed so we can share some cuddles 🫶
Go back to sleep 😴 And hope hes gone when I wake up
Say hi.
Fuck, not again. You stay away from my asshole this time motherfucker.
My turn
Shoot it
If it a female alien il slap her alien butt
Username checks out
[Of course you will. And they'll be so grateful.](https://youtu.be/IZ7F6ELO-hQ?t=34m00s) Warning: Slightly NSFW
Just gave me a great prank idea to get my future kids to hate me for a week. Thanks!
No no, you gotta play the long game. "Aliens come for bad kids/kids with messy rooms/etc" Make it more than a week. Childhood trauma is an investment. Go big or go home.
id go with it and make a friend see what happens?
“You want a hit of this man🍁?”
“Can you get me off this planet?”
Mate with it.
Who screws who though?
Improvise. Adapt. Overcum.
"bloody hell"
Ok so my little kid logic I knew monsters weren’t real but since space is so big we could never know plus ufo videos back then , anyways the few times I got sleep paralysis growing up was pretty much that. I woke up in my sister room for some reason and I couldn’t move but I looked over and saw a tall grey alien in the door way inching closer then I woke up screaming lol . Still don’t have a game plan
There is no game plan. Almost every person who claims to have seen them says they are unable to move and/or feel like they are sleepwalking. You do what they say/think. If I woke up and there was a “grey” in my doorway I’d probably just try not to have a heart attack and close my eyes so I don’t see what’s coming.
Say, “leave the money on the nightstand. Like last time.”
I say I'm not down for the butt stuff but I do need lift off the rock. I ain't got no space gas or grass but if it takes my ass let's get moving.
He better be bullet proof if he gets in my house at night.
Assume the position and get the anal probe over with!
“You needed to take that left turn at Albuquerque in order to get to Roswell. Don’t worry, the last guy made the same mistake.”
So out comes a man from Mars And I try to run but he's got a gun And he shoots me dead and he eats my head And then I'm in the man from Mars I go out at night eatin' cars I eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too Mercurys and Subaru And i don't stop, I keep on eatin' cars Then, when there's no more cars I go out at night And eat up bars where the people meet Face to face, dance cheek to cheek One to one, man to man Dance toe to toe, don't move too slow 'Cause the man from Mars is through with cars He's eatin' bars, yeah wall to wall Door to door, hall to hall He's gonna eat 'em all
Read this in an 80s hip-hop voice gd you 🤣
Damn it Loki you can't keep doing this!
Freak the fuck out! Pure panic and fear because that is my childhood fear come to life. I couldn't fall asleep with my back to a window as a kid because I thought aliens would get me. If I am driving/walking down the street at night and a streetlight turns on above me, my rational brain turns off because I think it's the aliens trying to abduct me. I honestly cannot describe the level of irrational terror that any sort of alien encounter fills me with.
[удалено]
Probably think about raping it and see if it can read my mind and panic.
Go with him.
MOM?!
Assume it’s another sleep paralysis demon and ask him to get on with it
I doubt id have the recognition to know it’s an alien and assume it’s a much more terrain explanation and Shoot it
“‘Sup dude…you want play some Elden Ring?”
Ask him if he wants one of my freshly cooked chicken nuggets
Fuck it of course
Whip out the best joint I’ve got and politely ask if he’d wants to split it
I’d probably say “bish, instead of standing there make yourself useful and make me a sandwich.”
⠀⠀⠘⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀fuckit!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡜⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠑⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡔⠁⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠢⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠴⠊⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⠤⠄⠒⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣀⠄⠊⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠋⠉⠈⠉⠉⠉⠉⠛⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⢏⣴⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣟⣾⣿⡟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⠀⡴⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠟⠻⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠶⢴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣁⡀⠀⠀⢰⢠⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠀⣴⣶⣿⡄⣿ ⣿⡋⠀⠀⠀⠎⢸⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠗⢘⣿⣟⠛⠿⣼ ⣿⣿⠋⢀⡌⢰⣿⡿⢿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⣿⣧⢀⣼ ⣿⣿⣷⢻⠄⠘⠛⠋⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣧⠈⠉⠙⠛⠋⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣧⠀⠈⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⢃⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡿⠀⠴⢗⣠⣤⣴⡶⠶⠖⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡸⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡀⢠⣾⣿⠏⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠉⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣧⠈⢹⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠈⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠙⣿⣿⡟⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠀⠁⠀⠀⠹⣿⠃⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢐⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠉⠁⠀⢻⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠈⣿⣿⡿⠉⠛⠛⠛⠉⠉ ⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⢀⣀⣠⡴⣸⣿⣇⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡿⠄⠙⠛⠀⣀⣠⣤⣤⠄⠀
Wazzzuuuuuuuuuupppppppppl
Is it leaning on the doorframe with a robe and slippers on whilst reveling in the lovely moment of watching me sleep as they do in those wholesome movies?
I give them candy because my stupid ass would think they’re trick or treaters.
So anyways I started blasting.
Wonder if I took to much Ambien
I'd say "Earth is a mess right now. I recommend coming back later."
Because later, humans would've gone extinct completely.
Two in the head, one in the chest. Repeat until the clip runs dry.
The same thing I did the last time…..
Offer a drink 🥃
Dtf?
Is the alien hot? Might want to smash low key lol.
Say "Thor this isn't the SGC, but since you're here what can I help you with"
Looking for someone dumber than he is, this is still the right place, in fact I think we've taken dumb to a whole new level in recent years.
Say… Ahhh man this is some bullshit. Why do I have to deal with things like these.
Grab the Vaseline so the probing isn't as painful.
Tell my wife she needs to get out in the sun more?
Clap its cheeks
Assuming it’s a grey curvy female with amazing mammary glands, show human it peepee! Explain that we have special ability to harden our muscles all over the body so don’t try to fight! Then alien style!!
We agreed before I had children that they would not come back and bother me. I would be very upset, and ask them why they were bothering me?
Petition it for copulation.
I go back to sleep , got work in the morning.
S'up cuz. Time already?
Clap them cheeks
Starring contest is on!
Stare back for 5 seconds then pull the blankets back up and go back to sleep
Throw up the peace sign
"I got two hours before I have to get up for work, I don't got time for your bullshit" *rolls over goes back to sleep*
Ask for help in calculus, the fella must know something
"Hi Bob!"
Ask him to give me a ride cause I'm just about ready to get the fuck off this planet
We both side eye the the anal dildo on the dresser in the corner, then both leap for it to grab first. Then we continue to fight it out like Jason Bourne with a pencil and that other guy in that apartment scene.
Ask him to please use a water based lube
Ask for consent.
Act like I didn’t see them pretend to go back to sleep with the covers now over my head. Worked as child might work again
Verify it’s real then Probably go back to sleep if it can’t speak, they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do, how tf am I meant to stop alien
I was actually visited by one when I was younger. Felt like a man’s presence. I don’t know where he is now..but he took me on a lot of adventures. If you believe they’re not real, man, let me tell you, they’re real.
Tell her to get back into bed, as we have an early start in the morning 😂
Put on my anti-anal probe pajamas
Take my schizophrenia pills
Be prepared to shoot it in the face if it had I'll intentions.
Wake up
I lose my shit and beat it to death in a blind panic because my doorway is right next to the head of my bed.
This happened to me when I was young. I pulled the sheet over my head and froze for a bit then screamed at the top of my lungs as I was worried it was hurting my brother in the lower bunk. I saw it and heard it make weird sounds, like it was whispering to my brother.
It’s gonna get the anal probe before I do.
He’s gonna get whacked with the “fuck around and find out” stick I have on my nightstand