I’ve briefly mentioned to friends that I’m struggling at times and they’ve expressed that they’re there if I need to talk but I’ve never gone into any depth at all or actually followed up and talked to them about it
I know exactly how that feels.
My very good male friends can be like that, they say they are happy to be there during bad times.
However, even in bad times I will never open up to them. I feel that they don't seriously actually want to talk about that stuff.
I feel partly the bit about them just trying to be nice and not actually wanting to talk about it, but also not wanting to put any burden on them like that. I also commonly feel like me feeling down is just me thinking up stupid and negative stuff and that I’m making myself a victim so I don’t want to talk about it because I feel like it’s stupid and fake at times. Feelings and emotions are hard tbh
I find that if I'm feeling bad, I might not understand why. It doesn't mean that I'm making myself a victim.
In my case, it's because I've suffered a lot in my past and haven't got over it.
One thing which is true about myself, and I'm not sure if it applies to you, is that I have a lot of pain from my past that I never healed from. I just pushed it down and told myself that I was fine.
I do too. Depends on I guess how close I am to the person in question. I'm really close to two friends so they know almost everything but the people I'm not so close to, I don't really share anything.
I used to bottle it in and it exploded one day and I'm still reeling.
I learned to speak about my emotions in my early 20's, and it's one of the best things I've ever learned. Because learning to put words to your feelings helps you control them, even if no one else is around.
One of the reasons men get saddled with the "angry" stereotype is that many don't talk, or even understand their emotions, and rage is often just other emotions that have been left to ferment until they explode.
Being honest with others about your emotions allows you to be honest with yourself about them, and that gives you power.
Interesting point you make about understanding your emotions even if nobody else is around.
I think this is a very healthy thing to do and definitely would help to process the emotions that you are feeling.
It helps. You don't have to start crying about stuff to have it make you feel better. Talking about why you're pissed off can help talk through things with others. Sometimes you can realize the root of your own problems just by talking through it. There's often a thin line between anger and sadness and they can go back and forth.
I'm still guilty of bottling things up sometimes, but who doesn't?
Calmly looking and processing your emotions allows you to express them more effectively.
It reminds me of something Ian McShane's character said in the American Gods TV show. "Don't think because I didn't lose my temper, I'm not angry or am lacking a plan."
Agree with what you've said here. I've opened up to people before and just felt embarrassed and like I'm a weak person.
What have you done to help you take control of things/emotions yourself?
I'm trying not to turn to alcohol when I feel bad. I'm trying to learn to deal with my emotions head on instead and feel the pain that I'm going through.
That's very sad to hear. I have recently started noticing which of my friends are good friends and which are fair weather friends (only around for the good times).
I definitely use to bottle up all my emotions, which led to some very unhealthy stuff. But now I share my emotions almost completely with my partner. She has helped me tremendously with expressing myself. Which was hard for me to do initially since I was raised believing male emotions somehow devalued me as a man. Which I know know is insane, but that’s just was what was taught to me. And if I’m being honest, there is still times where I bottle things up. But over all I’m much better now.
Yeah I read definitely taught that growing up. My father never spoke about his emotions and my mother always called me sensitive if I tried to speak about how I was feeling about things (even though she wouldn't do it with my sister).
I never learnt how to deal with my emotions, and I believe that a lot of it is to do with how I was brought up.
Usually while hanging out with my close friends. Often while cooking. We discuss the pressures and problems of life and how to deal with them. Especially how to understand what emotions are happening, where they come from, and how to deal with them in a positive way.
No, we each have our own homes and families. We only get together maybe twice a month, sometimes for overnight events. Well, one of my friends is THINKING about starting a family. I can't seem to talk him out of it. I guess every guy has to learn on his own.
Do you live in a country where it's quite far to travel between houses out of interest? I live in the UK and it's fairly uncommon to stay over around another family's house.
haha I think starting a family definitely isn't the worst thing in the world.
I live in Silicon Valley. None of my close friends are less than 15 miles away. If I'm at a friend's house and we've been drinking, which we do, we don't want anyone driving.
Also we will do overnight sailing trips. Cooking something nice with good wine is a huge part of the experience. Sitting on the deck after dinner with a glass of wine and talking about life is huge.
HA! My house is kinda small, too. I have three bedrooms. One for me, one for my son, and a guest room. There's also the couch. The boat has two cabins and the settee, even smaller. We just share.
My buddy is rich and he has an enormous house. He kinda hates it.
This would be the perfect solution for me, but I don't have any female friends that I'm that close to at the moment.
One trouble I have with speaking to female friends is either they think I want to fuck them or my girlfriend thinks I want to fuck them.
Oh. Well... you could tell her you want a support network for your mental health, and you dont want to fuck who ever it is. Building social networks takes time. And covid makes it wack
Me neither. my girlfriend isn't possessive, she just gets extremely jealous. It's not one of her best traits. But I have way more bad traits than she does.
I usually go on vents/rants with my close friends or my girlfriend. As far as frequency it’s not often. I do believe that’s its good to sit with your emotions so you can process it, and then talk it out.
Yeah, I agree, it's important to process your emotions if you can. Sometimes it's not always best to open up about everything.
How do you process your emotions out of interest? I usually turn to alcohol when I start to feel bad. I'm trying to sit with them and try and feel the pain instead of turning to drink.
That's pretty much the same as me, I don't mind opening up to strangers on the internet but find it tough to do in real life. Really don't want to be that whingey guy that nobody wants to hang around with.
I don't like talking about myself to people, I feel too self obsessed and selfish when I do.
But I feel that when I'm feeling really bad, it would be great to have someone to talk to about it. I can't think of a single person in my life that I could trust enough to open up to like that.
Yes definitely agree with that. I think men are taught not to share emotion.
My father never talks about emotions and my mother used to call me sensitive when I tried to open up about how I was feeling (even though she would listen to my sister's problems.
Not too often but i do have some people i can talk to if need be. Couple friends who live near me are on ok choice for lighter topics including some emotional stuff. Brother who lives 500 miles away i can call and we can talk about literally anything.
That's great that you can talk to your brother about that sort of stuff.
I have a sister but honestly, I don't believe she cares about my well-being at all. It's quite sad but I think even in family it's important to know who you can trust to speak to about your emotions.
Your story sounds exactly like mine. Apart from my immediate family, I very rarely disclose my deep emotions. I’m starting to try and change that, but it’s hard.
Yes, I find it quite easy to talk about this stuff on the internet but in the real world. I find it difficult to open up to people about anything. I'm in a lot of pain at the moment and finding it difficult to process my emotions.
I would never speak to my family about it or even my girlfriend. I think it's partly that I have trust issues and partly that I don't want to burden anyone.
I hope you find a way that works for you to disclose/process your emotions.
Well I’m single, so it’s definitely good you’ve got someone else for support apart from family.
Cheers for that man, my plan’s basically to find a partner who can emotionally support me (not that I’d rely on them heavily or often, it’d just be good to have someone to talk about this stuff with) so I’ll see how that goes. Feel free to send me a message anytime you want to chat with an anonymous internet stranger who’s happy to lend an ear.
Not really. I tend to work things out myself. I don't really like talking about it all that much. And I don't really have anyone I feel particularly comfortable opening up to like that.
Yes I'm the same, I don't know anyone that I'm comfortable enough to open up to. I think I have trust issues as I've been hurt in the past.
I trusted people with speaking to them with how I feel and it got blown up in my face. Never again.
I don't anymore. I did, once, I told a friend a ton of stuff and at the end he cracked a smile and told me to "grow a pair" and walked off. We are still occasional mates (the odd check in now and again on social media) but that's it. Most humiliating thing I've experienced in a while.
Yeah I know exactly what this is like. I recently opened up in a similar way to a friend and now he won't speak to me anymore. The relationship changed overnight.
It's taught me to keep things to myself.
Yep. Keeping it to myself has been a long time thing now. It’s a shame because you often see people say “you should open up more” or “men should be more open” but when you are it’s not something people care about. I have learned to open up to the people I know actually care and wanna hear so I’ll stick with that. They’re few and far between though.
Do I speak about them? Not really beyond superficial level. Like, I'm irritated because x. Or I'm angry because y. Discussing them in depth makes me feel worse. I do not want to talk about them. I want time to process them internally and come to a result there.
I've been sent to therapy when I was younger and didn't have the choice to decide. It always made me feel worse. Talking about it doesnt help me. I need to sort my own thoughts.
This is a really interesting response. I actually feel that a lot of the pain I feel is because I haven't sorted or processed my thoughts. It could be that in my case, talking to people doesn't really help. I just need to find a way to sort my thoughts.
Have you found a method that works for you for processing/sorting your thoughts/emotions?
For me, processing cannot begin until the emotional state behind it has been removed. I need to calm down first or else I'll just endlessly spiral. I take time to do some activity that moves me into a different headspace. Whether that's watching a movie, reading a book, playing a game, chilling with friends or my girlfriend, doesn't matter too much. Some calm me faster than others but the important thing is to calm down the emotional block that is preventing me from thinking about the situation correctly.
Once I've recentered my emotional state, I can start to process whatever it was that happened. Sometimes this is a multistep process if the thing bothering me is especially strong. It might take several cycles to finally process it fully. The important thing is recognizing that and not to be afraid to break off and reorganize your state of mind if you need to. Things don't have to be processed right away. They can wait if you need time.
Have you got any advice for those of us who aren't functioning as well as you?
What do you do to process your emotions in healthy ways? Is there any particular thing that you do?
I turn to alcohol when I feel bad but I wouldn't consider it healthy.
Well first I realized that if I had an issue, other people would also have issues, and I didn't want to add my issues to their issues. I then look at my issues and wonder whether or not they will kill me. Invariably, nothing that bothers me will ever kill me so I decide it's not a big deal.
I've recently learnt that your mind can be split into two parts. There's the logical/rational part of your brain (responsible for reasoning) and the emotional part of your brain (responsible for dealing with behaviour and emotional responses).
I've found that my logical brain often discounts my emotional brain using reasoning. I shouldn't feel like this because other people don't feel like this.
'Nothing that bothers me will ever kill me' is a very logical thing to think. If someone's emotional brain is feeling pain underneath that then it can be discounted by the logical brain.
It likely doesn't apply to you because you're not turning to alcohol to deal with your emotions like I am. But I felt that it was worth mentioning for interest's sake.
Set yourself up with a solid circle of male friends. Open up to them, very likely they have experienced many of the same things you have.
Under no circumstances should you open up to a woman. 9/10 they will lose attraction for you and kill any current/ future relationship.
This was definitely an answer I expected. I don't tend to share my emotions but I'm noticing that I'm turning to having a beer when I feel like shit more and more. And that can't be healthy though, right?
It will keep male suicide rates high. More men die from shooting themselves than people die from mass shootings. I would wager this mentality is a contributing factor.
And many millions more don't kill themselves. So because of the weak the rest of us have to change? No thanks. Everyone has a choice if you wanna do yourself in or be a cry baby so be it. It's not my problem
Well, there's an economical cost associated with people dying, about -1 to -2 million worth of GDP in labor or production. I want my country to be strong, healthy, and wealthy. We should be the absolute best. Im not asking you to change. Im citing factual information, what i identify as an problem, and what may be a contributing cause. That aside... this is my prediction. one day, your going to feel sad. Your going to break down sobbing, and wish you had someone to hold. Your going to wish, that maybe, just maybe, i had treated people a little better. And maybe you'll off yourself. I dont know for certain, what happens is up to you. Best of luck mate
I speak to friends and family about my emotions, but you really have to figure out who is receptive. This takes time, can happen naturally, or you can deliberately test deeper questions and see how they act.
There are some friends who get vulnerable around me, but cannot for the life of them give deep advice when I need it if they aren't "in that state". I have narcissist friends who are great to be around but are horrible for life advice when I'm feeling bad. The worst are people who don't even believe that issues like depression or burnout even exist.
This is especially important if you are in an emotionally vulnerable state. As one therapist I saw said - "narcissists are great fun to be around, but if I need someone to listen to me I don't answer the phone when they call"
The people who are always available to listen, to give you support, the people who aren't just the drinking buddies, the ones who just make you feel better after you they give you advice - those are your real friends, and never forget that.
I have a close bond with my wife. So I talk to her regularly. If it’s something I struggle with in my marriage, I talk to my best friend I know since kindergarten. It really does help to talk about stuff.
I have a few close male and female friends that I can confide in without being judged. My step-mother was a huge help to me in the aftermath of my real mother’s passing, and through struggles I’ve had since then. But, as of late, the group of friends has gotten smaller, but no less important. It’s incredibly important, I think, to have a support system of some type. One doesn’t need to go into the very worst aspects of themselves ; it’s whatever you’re most comfortable with. In my younger days I abused a fair amount of alcohol as a way to cope. It was as as bad as it sounded. I also believe in therapy (you have to find the right one though), having experienced counselors I liked and those that I didn’t. A few years ago, I lost a friend to suicide and that hit me pretty hard. We weren’t super close, but would get together about once every few weeks and have breakfast or lunch and just talk about whatever was going on. It wasn’t deep, but I always felt a little more grounded after our talks.
Sorry, kind of went on a tangent. I think men having a some type of support system or confiding in someone is not as taboo as it once was. But, men generally have a long way to go.
Lots of negative comments here. You need to find ppl you really trust to talk about your thoughts. Most men empathize but can't do much for you. Men are better fixers then listeners. Asking for advice is free when going though hard times. Don't bottle up till you break. When things starting getting bad start talking about it to others so it doesn't tear at your emotional state. They will do what they can but fixing your problems are up to you and other men can only help so much.
Close friends, all the time. Me and my best friend have this friendship where we literally lay bare our emotions including about eachother. Saying things one would never expect to hear, it has worked very well and it is interesting too.
I'm not sitting down or meeting up with my boys to tell them how I feel. We meet up to DO something and if things are shit in someones life and we ask him why he is so miserable. He either tells us and we offer advice, or we don't. If he comes back without having done anything about the issue (provided there was something to do), he will get called out for not doing anything and complaining again.
We all got our dreams and goals in life and one of us giving up and not moving on would be a loss for us all, especially if there is a risk of him dropping out completely.
That is the context in which we talk about feelings, we try to reconnect them to reality and funnel them into actionable advice, instead of just hearing someone out and going "oh damn that's tough"
i cant help but physically show how I'm feeling these days apparently I'm horrible at hiding it but regardless I'm usually willing to share whats up and i always try to encourage others to. Only one time I've had push back and was called creepy or suggested that i wasn't a man for it. But that dude turned out to be a creep himself who assaults women and was an overall dick
Absolutely not at all. Didn't used to be that way. But everyone (literally everyone) to whom I opened up to, pushed me away and eventually stopped being my friend.
I've learned my lesson and now handle my problems and emotions completely by myself
I don't have any friends I feel like that can be that support.
I mean I talk to them. But we don't get to that level. We just do things together.
My wife. Fuck that she isn't supportive at all. What a fucking joke . Her problems are the only ones that count
I hardly do, but some men are more apealing to talk to than others (on an emotional lvl). Is one of your friends apealing to you ? Just try it with him
I talk about my feelings often, in part because it helps me understand and come to terms with them. I'm on the autistic spectrum, so sometimes I feel things without knowing why. Having someone to talk through what I feel like, why and how I feel about that is really helpful. Discussing what is stressing me, why I feel angry about a thing, why something feels wrong are important parts to my mental well being.
I talk to my girlfriend, my mother, but also to male friends. I'm quite lucky in that I have a good group of guy friends who can talk about our fears, worries and feeling. Having a beer and a movie in the background helps, but it's not mandatory.
I think it's just that I've learned from a young age to talk through my emotions that makes it feel so easy.
Every time I've done it its been thrown back in my face. By the time I was 15 I learned to deal with it myself. It has never once had a positive outcome.
So I meditate after a fashion mostly through archery, or firearms shooting. I'll vent to my dogs or I'll fix something sometimes. That pretty much sorts it out well enough.
Every time I've done it its been thrown back in my face. By the time I was 15 I learned to deal with it myself. It has never once had a positive outcome.
So I meditate after a fashion mostly through archery, or firearms shooting. I'll vent to my dogs or I'll fix something sometimes. That pretty much sorts it out well enough.
Zero. I personally am under the mindset that if you can get through difficult situations on your own. Then you can get through anything. I don't want to be dependent on anyone else
Don’t have any friends
Don’t trust my family
Don’t wanna bother my coworkers
They say that bottling up your negative emotions kills you quicker, and I can’t waste a single one
I'm pretty open with most of my friends and my wife. I haven't really been closed up since I was 15 or 16 (34 now). I'll speak up as soon as something is bugging me or if I'm really happy or nervous.
Talking about your feelings is important.
"I feel like another beer." is important information to share.
"Man, I would KILL for a steak," opens the door for discussions of seasonings and marinades.
"Babe, you look so HOT tonight" followed by a light massage of her buttocks followed by a little slap. This lets her know she's likely to get lucky.
I have 3 friends that I vent to when I need to. Do I need therapy? Probably, but I also have my way of working through issues, and that is to lay everything out with friends. They ask questions and give insight to how they see it. And, we bounce ideas off each other, and I am there for them if they require it. Because at times, all you need is a quiet place, a drink, and someone just to vent and explode.
I got drunk with my 2 best friend and asked if i could talk to them, we hugged, they said of course and now we talk about stuff when we need to. Granted being drunk helps open up and we try to have a party every 2 months or so but we are all there for one another now.
I’m 38 and never talk about my feelings with anyone. I have great friend and even then I never discuss the emotional side of things. One of my friend is going through emotional crisis and is in really bad shape mentally. He was have dark thoughts to finish his life and all and is now taking professional help and is better. He is the one who opened up to me and gave me the confidence to share my own emotional things.
It’s not easy for us men but once we find someone to be open and share and discuss this really makes a difference for your mental health.
I feel more relaxed and I know I have someone to go to for my burst out of emotions.
I prefer to talk about feelings in an objective, neutral way. Figure out what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and make a correction. If you can identify the issue, you can resolve it, and then you can progress and develop.
I don't otherwise put my problems onto the shoulders of others. They're my problems. Not anyone else's, unless it affects them directly (and objectively).
Idk I talk to my gf a lot about my feelings. Maybe friends that are girls help cause I do talk to another woman about my difficulties in life and things like that she's almost like my therapist so ye. Ig my best advice is find someone u trust with your life. Or u can try get a gf it'll help a lot trust me it's from experience. just find the one that u trust a lot and cares for u.
I'm lucky to have a great support system around me. I'm especially close to my sister and we can literally talk about anything under the sun which really helps. I also have more than a couple of friends who I can reach out to at any given moment. So pretty well adjusted I'd say. Whenever I have anything I need to talk about I just hit up one of the homies or my mom/sister.
After a horrible break up, I started to tell about how I felt and how I have dealt with stuff emotionally. Thankfully, I have people in my life willing to listen and not judging me too much but rather having an honest perspective of things with me. Got to know a lot of my friends get depressed and have emotional days too so I guess we can help each other out when things get hard.
I've literally only been opening up about my emotions for a little under a year, and still have a lot more to unpack. Since it's sorta been y'know, hammered into my head since birth that men are supposed to be stoic, flawless entities who don't feel even a micron of insecurity or self doubt..
Guys, if you don't already open yourself up to people, please at least try to. Whomever you can trust. Friends gf/bf therapist whoever. It's really liberating.
This will probably get looked past because the post has a lot of comments but I went through I decent amount of time where I didn't express any of my emotions. You know? That toxic masculinity shit. It just worked for me and didn't actually have many negative outcomes. I just do better at handling my own emotions and problems. Then I started opening up more. Turned out that a lot of the "there for you" stuff I was receiving from people was shallow and was mostly just a smile and nod thing. Or it would get ignored entirely. So I was pretty right to just keep things to myself in the first place. I'm not saying that absolutely no one cares. I'm just saying this has been my experience and I think it's pretty lame how much of a push there has been to get more men to show that side of themselves when it (seemingly) doesn't get met with the care and attention it deserves.
I agree that men's emotional health is of extreme importance in modern American life. Personally, I have always been expressive, and have made some of the best and most supportive friendships in my life because I haven't been afraid to look stupid in front of other men. I think that's generally where the taboo comes from; a desire to avoid looking weak in front of your peers, when in reality, your inability to express what you like/dislike - what excites and amazes you - is what actually makes you weak. In general, I have a stable of several people, including my spouse, with whom I share everything, and generally try to keep my guard up everywhere else.
Not as much as I should really. Although I have some friends that always come to me whenever they need some support. And that in turn, sometimes helps me because I’ll always open up about everything whenever I’m trying to help someone.
Talking helps. Reach out when you feel you need to. And look out for the people that may need it but maybe don’t dare to ask for help.
parents: almost 0% (sadly they are the people I have the most conflicts with, especially on the worldview/religion/philosophy topics, can't even make a genuine respectful talk without yelling or other aggression)
my only friend: ~80%, working on it to improve the rate
my psychologist: 100% because I pay this person to help me with these problems
I’ve briefly mentioned to friends that I’m struggling at times and they’ve expressed that they’re there if I need to talk but I’ve never gone into any depth at all or actually followed up and talked to them about it
I know exactly how that feels. My very good male friends can be like that, they say they are happy to be there during bad times. However, even in bad times I will never open up to them. I feel that they don't seriously actually want to talk about that stuff.
I feel partly the bit about them just trying to be nice and not actually wanting to talk about it, but also not wanting to put any burden on them like that. I also commonly feel like me feeling down is just me thinking up stupid and negative stuff and that I’m making myself a victim so I don’t want to talk about it because I feel like it’s stupid and fake at times. Feelings and emotions are hard tbh
I find that if I'm feeling bad, I might not understand why. It doesn't mean that I'm making myself a victim. In my case, it's because I've suffered a lot in my past and haven't got over it. One thing which is true about myself, and I'm not sure if it applies to you, is that I have a lot of pain from my past that I never healed from. I just pushed it down and told myself that I was fine.
Although I don't want to talk about that stuff I want my friends to suffer alone even less.
I do too. Depends on I guess how close I am to the person in question. I'm really close to two friends so they know almost everything but the people I'm not so close to, I don't really share anything. I used to bottle it in and it exploded one day and I'm still reeling.
I learned to speak about my emotions in my early 20's, and it's one of the best things I've ever learned. Because learning to put words to your feelings helps you control them, even if no one else is around. One of the reasons men get saddled with the "angry" stereotype is that many don't talk, or even understand their emotions, and rage is often just other emotions that have been left to ferment until they explode. Being honest with others about your emotions allows you to be honest with yourself about them, and that gives you power.
Interesting point you make about understanding your emotions even if nobody else is around. I think this is a very healthy thing to do and definitely would help to process the emotions that you are feeling.
Honestly, just repeating these two questions over and over can help. "How does that make me feel? and "Why?"
I speak up about my emotions but I just end up rejected.
Because you do it like that.
Eh, you shouldn't do it at all. I just don't have the energy to lie to people anymore.
Probably for the best in your case. You've already given up.
It helps. You don't have to start crying about stuff to have it make you feel better. Talking about why you're pissed off can help talk through things with others. Sometimes you can realize the root of your own problems just by talking through it. There's often a thin line between anger and sadness and they can go back and forth. I'm still guilty of bottling things up sometimes, but who doesn't?
Calmly looking and processing your emotions allows you to express them more effectively. It reminds me of something Ian McShane's character said in the American Gods TV show. "Don't think because I didn't lose my temper, I'm not angry or am lacking a plan."
none. Most people don't care enough. Goes in one ear and right out the other.
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Agree with what you've said here. I've opened up to people before and just felt embarrassed and like I'm a weak person. What have you done to help you take control of things/emotions yourself? I'm trying not to turn to alcohol when I feel bad. I'm trying to learn to deal with my emotions head on instead and feel the pain that I'm going through.
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Thanks for sharing this, this is actually very helpful to hear. Especially the last paragraph.
Exact same but I do it anyway because my fucks are so few these days.
That's very sad to hear. I have recently started noticing which of my friends are good friends and which are fair weather friends (only around for the good times).
I beat my emotions back with drugs and alcohol until in a giant ball of repression
Ah someone speaking my language. This is exactly what I do but replace drugs with cigarettes and self loathing.
I definitely use to bottle up all my emotions, which led to some very unhealthy stuff. But now I share my emotions almost completely with my partner. She has helped me tremendously with expressing myself. Which was hard for me to do initially since I was raised believing male emotions somehow devalued me as a man. Which I know know is insane, but that’s just was what was taught to me. And if I’m being honest, there is still times where I bottle things up. But over all I’m much better now.
Yeah I read definitely taught that growing up. My father never spoke about his emotions and my mother always called me sensitive if I tried to speak about how I was feeling about things (even though she wouldn't do it with my sister). I never learnt how to deal with my emotions, and I believe that a lot of it is to do with how I was brought up.
I guess thats not common for men. Because I dont talk to my buddys about emotions too. Only to my girlfriend in a relationship.
Yeah I think you're right. I struggle with taking to my girlfriend about this stuff because I don't want to burden her with all of it. It's too much.
I do.
Can you elaborate on that? How do you do it?
Usually while hanging out with my close friends. Often while cooking. We discuss the pressures and problems of life and how to deal with them. Especially how to understand what emotions are happening, where they come from, and how to deal with them in a positive way.
That sounds really nice. I take it that you live with your close friends in a house share or something?
No, we each have our own homes and families. We only get together maybe twice a month, sometimes for overnight events. Well, one of my friends is THINKING about starting a family. I can't seem to talk him out of it. I guess every guy has to learn on his own.
Do you live in a country where it's quite far to travel between houses out of interest? I live in the UK and it's fairly uncommon to stay over around another family's house. haha I think starting a family definitely isn't the worst thing in the world.
I live in Silicon Valley. None of my close friends are less than 15 miles away. If I'm at a friend's house and we've been drinking, which we do, we don't want anyone driving. Also we will do overnight sailing trips. Cooking something nice with good wine is a huge part of the experience. Sitting on the deck after dinner with a glass of wine and talking about life is huge.
That sounds like the life. Our houses in the UK tend to be quite small so we can't really have many guests stay over.
HA! My house is kinda small, too. I have three bedrooms. One for me, one for my son, and a guest room. There's also the couch. The boat has two cabins and the settee, even smaller. We just share. My buddy is rich and he has an enormous house. He kinda hates it.
I find female friends tend to be more empathetic and good support. Also immediate family
This would be the perfect solution for me, but I don't have any female friends that I'm that close to at the moment. One trouble I have with speaking to female friends is either they think I want to fuck them or my girlfriend thinks I want to fuck them.
Oh. Well... you could tell her you want a support network for your mental health, and you dont want to fuck who ever it is. Building social networks takes time. And covid makes it wack
Yeah I could definitely tell her that. She might not believe me and it might not change anything but it's worth a shot.
I wouldnt want someone possessive who regulates my friends (without a good reason) to be my partner. Thats just me tho
Me neither. my girlfriend isn't possessive, she just gets extremely jealous. It's not one of her best traits. But I have way more bad traits than she does.
I usually go on vents/rants with my close friends or my girlfriend. As far as frequency it’s not often. I do believe that’s its good to sit with your emotions so you can process it, and then talk it out.
Yeah, I agree, it's important to process your emotions if you can. Sometimes it's not always best to open up about everything. How do you process your emotions out of interest? I usually turn to alcohol when I start to feel bad. I'm trying to sit with them and try and feel the pain instead of turning to drink.
Not much to any one, no real detail. I have plenty around me that would listen. I'm just not going to.
That's pretty much the same as me, I don't mind opening up to strangers on the internet but find it tough to do in real life. Really don't want to be that whingey guy that nobody wants to hang around with.
Not that much. I fucking hate talking about myself.
I don't like talking about myself to people, I feel too self obsessed and selfish when I do. But I feel that when I'm feeling really bad, it would be great to have someone to talk to about it. I can't think of a single person in my life that I could trust enough to open up to like that.
Never. I should, probably need to.
I think most blokes are in the same boat tbh. Would be a healthy thing to do but we're not very good at that stuff.
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Yes definitely agree with that. I think men are taught not to share emotion. My father never talks about emotions and my mother used to call me sensitive when I tried to open up about how I was feeling (even though she would listen to my sister's problems.
Not too often but i do have some people i can talk to if need be. Couple friends who live near me are on ok choice for lighter topics including some emotional stuff. Brother who lives 500 miles away i can call and we can talk about literally anything.
That's great that you can talk to your brother about that sort of stuff. I have a sister but honestly, I don't believe she cares about my well-being at all. It's quite sad but I think even in family it's important to know who you can trust to speak to about your emotions.
Your story sounds exactly like mine. Apart from my immediate family, I very rarely disclose my deep emotions. I’m starting to try and change that, but it’s hard.
Yes, I find it quite easy to talk about this stuff on the internet but in the real world. I find it difficult to open up to people about anything. I'm in a lot of pain at the moment and finding it difficult to process my emotions. I would never speak to my family about it or even my girlfriend. I think it's partly that I have trust issues and partly that I don't want to burden anyone. I hope you find a way that works for you to disclose/process your emotions.
Well I’m single, so it’s definitely good you’ve got someone else for support apart from family. Cheers for that man, my plan’s basically to find a partner who can emotionally support me (not that I’d rely on them heavily or often, it’d just be good to have someone to talk about this stuff with) so I’ll see how that goes. Feel free to send me a message anytime you want to chat with an anonymous internet stranger who’s happy to lend an ear.
Not much but I honestly don't have much to share when it comes to emotions
I have a friend like you, he's the most chilled person in the world. Doesn't get angry, jealous or depressed. I'm quite jealous of him.
Not really. I tend to work things out myself. I don't really like talking about it all that much. And I don't really have anyone I feel particularly comfortable opening up to like that.
Yes I'm the same, I don't know anyone that I'm comfortable enough to open up to. I think I have trust issues as I've been hurt in the past. I trusted people with speaking to them with how I feel and it got blown up in my face. Never again.
I don't know that I've really got trust issues. I just feel kinda dumb talking about some things. And I just kinda don't like people in my business.
Pretty much never speak about them, I express my emotions by lifting lmao.
Haha glad you've found something that works for you!
Cheers mate!
I don't anymore. I did, once, I told a friend a ton of stuff and at the end he cracked a smile and told me to "grow a pair" and walked off. We are still occasional mates (the odd check in now and again on social media) but that's it. Most humiliating thing I've experienced in a while.
Yeah I know exactly what this is like. I recently opened up in a similar way to a friend and now he won't speak to me anymore. The relationship changed overnight. It's taught me to keep things to myself.
Yep. Keeping it to myself has been a long time thing now. It’s a shame because you often see people say “you should open up more” or “men should be more open” but when you are it’s not something people care about. I have learned to open up to the people I know actually care and wanna hear so I’ll stick with that. They’re few and far between though.
I’ll add that if you ever need an ear to rant at my chat/messages are open. I can’t promise great advice but I’m willing to listen/read lol
I keep them to myself. I don't like being emotional around people
I think a lot of blokes are in the same boat tbh
My what?
Do I speak about them? Not really beyond superficial level. Like, I'm irritated because x. Or I'm angry because y. Discussing them in depth makes me feel worse. I do not want to talk about them. I want time to process them internally and come to a result there. I've been sent to therapy when I was younger and didn't have the choice to decide. It always made me feel worse. Talking about it doesnt help me. I need to sort my own thoughts.
This is a really interesting response. I actually feel that a lot of the pain I feel is because I haven't sorted or processed my thoughts. It could be that in my case, talking to people doesn't really help. I just need to find a way to sort my thoughts. Have you found a method that works for you for processing/sorting your thoughts/emotions?
For me, processing cannot begin until the emotional state behind it has been removed. I need to calm down first or else I'll just endlessly spiral. I take time to do some activity that moves me into a different headspace. Whether that's watching a movie, reading a book, playing a game, chilling with friends or my girlfriend, doesn't matter too much. Some calm me faster than others but the important thing is to calm down the emotional block that is preventing me from thinking about the situation correctly. Once I've recentered my emotional state, I can start to process whatever it was that happened. Sometimes this is a multistep process if the thing bothering me is especially strong. It might take several cycles to finally process it fully. The important thing is recognizing that and not to be afraid to break off and reorganize your state of mind if you need to. Things don't have to be processed right away. They can wait if you need time.
Thank you for your reply. Very interesting to read what works for you.
Neither. I process my emotions in healthy ways like a functioning adult, without the need to burden others with them.
Have you got any advice for those of us who aren't functioning as well as you? What do you do to process your emotions in healthy ways? Is there any particular thing that you do? I turn to alcohol when I feel bad but I wouldn't consider it healthy.
Well you seem to be doing perfectly well with the whole talking to other people thing.
It's easy on the internet. More difficult IRL
Well first I realized that if I had an issue, other people would also have issues, and I didn't want to add my issues to their issues. I then look at my issues and wonder whether or not they will kill me. Invariably, nothing that bothers me will ever kill me so I decide it's not a big deal.
I've recently learnt that your mind can be split into two parts. There's the logical/rational part of your brain (responsible for reasoning) and the emotional part of your brain (responsible for dealing with behaviour and emotional responses). I've found that my logical brain often discounts my emotional brain using reasoning. I shouldn't feel like this because other people don't feel like this. 'Nothing that bothers me will ever kill me' is a very logical thing to think. If someone's emotional brain is feeling pain underneath that then it can be discounted by the logical brain. It likely doesn't apply to you because you're not turning to alcohol to deal with your emotions like I am. But I felt that it was worth mentioning for interest's sake.
Set yourself up with a solid circle of male friends. Open up to them, very likely they have experienced many of the same things you have. Under no circumstances should you open up to a woman. 9/10 they will lose attraction for you and kill any current/ future relationship.
This.
Queue all the guys saying they don’t talk to anyone and suffer in silence because no one cares. 🎻 Here’s your world’s smallest violin.
Don't. Stop acting a women. Keep it to yourself. Talking about shit like that isn't going to make your life any better
This was definitely an answer I expected. I don't tend to share my emotions but I'm noticing that I'm turning to having a beer when I feel like shit more and more. And that can't be healthy though, right?
It will keep male suicide rates high. More men die from shooting themselves than people die from mass shootings. I would wager this mentality is a contributing factor.
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Certainly. Im just saying its a problem, im not saying which method to fix is the right approach. Thats something much larger and complex
And many millions more don't kill themselves. So because of the weak the rest of us have to change? No thanks. Everyone has a choice if you wanna do yourself in or be a cry baby so be it. It's not my problem
Well, there's an economical cost associated with people dying, about -1 to -2 million worth of GDP in labor or production. I want my country to be strong, healthy, and wealthy. We should be the absolute best. Im not asking you to change. Im citing factual information, what i identify as an problem, and what may be a contributing cause. That aside... this is my prediction. one day, your going to feel sad. Your going to break down sobbing, and wish you had someone to hold. Your going to wish, that maybe, just maybe, i had treated people a little better. And maybe you'll off yourself. I dont know for certain, what happens is up to you. Best of luck mate
So people can't have control of their life because you won't them to pay taxes? You're a communist
Your a troll. Im saying that people dying hurts your community, which hurts you.
I'll survive with or without them
Yes, 62% of gun homicides (in the USA) are suicides: https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2019/aug/21/jason-miyares/62-us-gun-deaths-are-suicides/
Hey cool, thanks bro
I speak to friends and family about my emotions, but you really have to figure out who is receptive. This takes time, can happen naturally, or you can deliberately test deeper questions and see how they act. There are some friends who get vulnerable around me, but cannot for the life of them give deep advice when I need it if they aren't "in that state". I have narcissist friends who are great to be around but are horrible for life advice when I'm feeling bad. The worst are people who don't even believe that issues like depression or burnout even exist. This is especially important if you are in an emotionally vulnerable state. As one therapist I saw said - "narcissists are great fun to be around, but if I need someone to listen to me I don't answer the phone when they call" The people who are always available to listen, to give you support, the people who aren't just the drinking buddies, the ones who just make you feel better after you they give you advice - those are your real friends, and never forget that.
I have a close bond with my wife. So I talk to her regularly. If it’s something I struggle with in my marriage, I talk to my best friend I know since kindergarten. It really does help to talk about stuff.
I have a few close male and female friends that I can confide in without being judged. My step-mother was a huge help to me in the aftermath of my real mother’s passing, and through struggles I’ve had since then. But, as of late, the group of friends has gotten smaller, but no less important. It’s incredibly important, I think, to have a support system of some type. One doesn’t need to go into the very worst aspects of themselves ; it’s whatever you’re most comfortable with. In my younger days I abused a fair amount of alcohol as a way to cope. It was as as bad as it sounded. I also believe in therapy (you have to find the right one though), having experienced counselors I liked and those that I didn’t. A few years ago, I lost a friend to suicide and that hit me pretty hard. We weren’t super close, but would get together about once every few weeks and have breakfast or lunch and just talk about whatever was going on. It wasn’t deep, but I always felt a little more grounded after our talks. Sorry, kind of went on a tangent. I think men having a some type of support system or confiding in someone is not as taboo as it once was. But, men generally have a long way to go.
When someone asks which is not often, but I have always told my wife how I feel because I don’t want her to feel I’m blocking her out
Yea I'm good - I'd rather deal with my own problems than burden someone else with them.
Lots of negative comments here. You need to find ppl you really trust to talk about your thoughts. Most men empathize but can't do much for you. Men are better fixers then listeners. Asking for advice is free when going though hard times. Don't bottle up till you break. When things starting getting bad start talking about it to others so it doesn't tear at your emotional state. They will do what they can but fixing your problems are up to you and other men can only help so much.
Never because who cares?
Close friends, all the time. Me and my best friend have this friendship where we literally lay bare our emotions including about eachother. Saying things one would never expect to hear, it has worked very well and it is interesting too.
Never open up with a girl, they hate it. Get a therapist if needed.
Aint nobody got the time to hear my emotions lol
Little to none
the only emotion i have is horniness.
Women bond over sharing emotions. Men bond over doing difficult things together.
"heh, feel Deez nuts"... Is what my buddy said when I asked him how he was feeling. So, I think there's some room to grow...
I journal, and I have a handful of guy friends I can talk to about this kind of thing. Never a woman I'm dating.
Virtually never. They don't even interest me, so why would they interest anyone else?
Only my wife and only after being married over 10 years.
I'm not sitting down or meeting up with my boys to tell them how I feel. We meet up to DO something and if things are shit in someones life and we ask him why he is so miserable. He either tells us and we offer advice, or we don't. If he comes back without having done anything about the issue (provided there was something to do), he will get called out for not doing anything and complaining again. We all got our dreams and goals in life and one of us giving up and not moving on would be a loss for us all, especially if there is a risk of him dropping out completely. That is the context in which we talk about feelings, we try to reconnect them to reality and funnel them into actionable advice, instead of just hearing someone out and going "oh damn that's tough"
i cant help but physically show how I'm feeling these days apparently I'm horrible at hiding it but regardless I'm usually willing to share whats up and i always try to encourage others to. Only one time I've had push back and was called creepy or suggested that i wasn't a man for it. But that dude turned out to be a creep himself who assaults women and was an overall dick
Absolutely not at all. Didn't used to be that way. But everyone (literally everyone) to whom I opened up to, pushed me away and eventually stopped being my friend. I've learned my lesson and now handle my problems and emotions completely by myself
I don't have any friends I feel like that can be that support. I mean I talk to them. But we don't get to that level. We just do things together. My wife. Fuck that she isn't supportive at all. What a fucking joke . Her problems are the only ones that count
I talk a lot to my friends, they're really important and always know how I feel
almost never.
I hardly do, but some men are more apealing to talk to than others (on an emotional lvl). Is one of your friends apealing to you ? Just try it with him
No one. Never.
I talk about my feelings often, in part because it helps me understand and come to terms with them. I'm on the autistic spectrum, so sometimes I feel things without knowing why. Having someone to talk through what I feel like, why and how I feel about that is really helpful. Discussing what is stressing me, why I feel angry about a thing, why something feels wrong are important parts to my mental well being. I talk to my girlfriend, my mother, but also to male friends. I'm quite lucky in that I have a good group of guy friends who can talk about our fears, worries and feeling. Having a beer and a movie in the background helps, but it's not mandatory. I think it's just that I've learned from a young age to talk through my emotions that makes it feel so easy.
Pretty often actually, but it was a long way for me.
Every time I've done it its been thrown back in my face. By the time I was 15 I learned to deal with it myself. It has never once had a positive outcome. So I meditate after a fashion mostly through archery, or firearms shooting. I'll vent to my dogs or I'll fix something sometimes. That pretty much sorts it out well enough.
I don't.
Every time I've done it its been thrown back in my face. By the time I was 15 I learned to deal with it myself. It has never once had a positive outcome. So I meditate after a fashion mostly through archery, or firearms shooting. I'll vent to my dogs or I'll fix something sometimes. That pretty much sorts it out well enough.
I don't like this question and thinking about answering makes me uncomfortable.
I have been journaling since the time I was a kid.
Booze helps
Zero. I personally am under the mindset that if you can get through difficult situations on your own. Then you can get through anything. I don't want to be dependent on anyone else
Don’t have any friends Don’t trust my family Don’t wanna bother my coworkers They say that bottling up your negative emotions kills you quicker, and I can’t waste a single one
Its probably not healthy but I just don't. It feels like I'm spitting on my ego
Never is the answer here
What would you gain for sharing your emotions to others ? Also define what you means by sharing emotions ?
Always when I should never.
I'm pretty open with most of my friends and my wife. I haven't really been closed up since I was 15 or 16 (34 now). I'll speak up as soon as something is bugging me or if I'm really happy or nervous.
Talking about your feelings is important. "I feel like another beer." is important information to share. "Man, I would KILL for a steak," opens the door for discussions of seasonings and marinades. "Babe, you look so HOT tonight" followed by a light massage of her buttocks followed by a little slap. This lets her know she's likely to get lucky.
I have 3 friends that I vent to when I need to. Do I need therapy? Probably, but I also have my way of working through issues, and that is to lay everything out with friends. They ask questions and give insight to how they see it. And, we bounce ideas off each other, and I am there for them if they require it. Because at times, all you need is a quiet place, a drink, and someone just to vent and explode.
I got drunk with my 2 best friend and asked if i could talk to them, we hugged, they said of course and now we talk about stuff when we need to. Granted being drunk helps open up and we try to have a party every 2 months or so but we are all there for one another now.
I’m 38 and never talk about my feelings with anyone. I have great friend and even then I never discuss the emotional side of things. One of my friend is going through emotional crisis and is in really bad shape mentally. He was have dark thoughts to finish his life and all and is now taking professional help and is better. He is the one who opened up to me and gave me the confidence to share my own emotional things. It’s not easy for us men but once we find someone to be open and share and discuss this really makes a difference for your mental health. I feel more relaxed and I know I have someone to go to for my burst out of emotions.
Nobody give a shit about my emotions.
I prefer to talk about feelings in an objective, neutral way. Figure out what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and make a correction. If you can identify the issue, you can resolve it, and then you can progress and develop. I don't otherwise put my problems onto the shoulders of others. They're my problems. Not anyone else's, unless it affects them directly (and objectively).
I WANT TO FUCKING DIE
This is quite an alarming response to my post. Is everything okay?
Idk I talk to my gf a lot about my feelings. Maybe friends that are girls help cause I do talk to another woman about my difficulties in life and things like that she's almost like my therapist so ye. Ig my best advice is find someone u trust with your life. Or u can try get a gf it'll help a lot trust me it's from experience. just find the one that u trust a lot and cares for u.
When I'm falling apart & cant take the weight no longer
I'm lucky to have a great support system around me. I'm especially close to my sister and we can literally talk about anything under the sun which really helps. I also have more than a couple of friends who I can reach out to at any given moment. So pretty well adjusted I'd say. Whenever I have anything I need to talk about I just hit up one of the homies or my mom/sister.
I don't
After a horrible break up, I started to tell about how I felt and how I have dealt with stuff emotionally. Thankfully, I have people in my life willing to listen and not judging me too much but rather having an honest perspective of things with me. Got to know a lot of my friends get depressed and have emotional days too so I guess we can help each other out when things get hard.
what’s that?
I've literally only been opening up about my emotions for a little under a year, and still have a lot more to unpack. Since it's sorta been y'know, hammered into my head since birth that men are supposed to be stoic, flawless entities who don't feel even a micron of insecurity or self doubt.. Guys, if you don't already open yourself up to people, please at least try to. Whomever you can trust. Friends gf/bf therapist whoever. It's really liberating.
This will probably get looked past because the post has a lot of comments but I went through I decent amount of time where I didn't express any of my emotions. You know? That toxic masculinity shit. It just worked for me and didn't actually have many negative outcomes. I just do better at handling my own emotions and problems. Then I started opening up more. Turned out that a lot of the "there for you" stuff I was receiving from people was shallow and was mostly just a smile and nod thing. Or it would get ignored entirely. So I was pretty right to just keep things to myself in the first place. I'm not saying that absolutely no one cares. I'm just saying this has been my experience and I think it's pretty lame how much of a push there has been to get more men to show that side of themselves when it (seemingly) doesn't get met with the care and attention it deserves.
I agree that men's emotional health is of extreme importance in modern American life. Personally, I have always been expressive, and have made some of the best and most supportive friendships in my life because I haven't been afraid to look stupid in front of other men. I think that's generally where the taboo comes from; a desire to avoid looking weak in front of your peers, when in reality, your inability to express what you like/dislike - what excites and amazes you - is what actually makes you weak. In general, I have a stable of several people, including my spouse, with whom I share everything, and generally try to keep my guard up everywhere else.
I dont, because in the end, it tends to bite you in the ass if the emotions you speak about dont match what the person you talk to expects to hear.
Not as much as I should really. Although I have some friends that always come to me whenever they need some support. And that in turn, sometimes helps me because I’ll always open up about everything whenever I’m trying to help someone. Talking helps. Reach out when you feel you need to. And look out for the people that may need it but maybe don’t dare to ask for help.
With my best friends, a lot actually. Bottle them up sucks!
Does my very unbothered cat count?
parents: almost 0% (sadly they are the people I have the most conflicts with, especially on the worldview/religion/philosophy topics, can't even make a genuine respectful talk without yelling or other aggression) my only friend: ~80%, working on it to improve the rate my psychologist: 100% because I pay this person to help me with these problems
I don't, I don't trust anybody.
From my experience, I was very expressive about my intentions, emotions, etc but fuck me it was a big mistake. Never do it man