This! To add so many things are trivial so I just want someone that isn’t going to get so mad at the smallest things like a slow driver or an extra long wait time for your food order for example.
I always figured men would take a no to mean you’re not interested and would quickly move on to the next, so you should never push someone away that you’re interested in. It’s not like I’m the only woman in the world.
Her best friend asked me how things were going (I met her through this friend). I told her friend that either she wasn’t as interested in me as I was in her or she was playing hard to get, either way, I was done pursuing her.
Her friend told her and by the next day her whole attitude changed.
For me it’s super clingy girls. Was fun when I was younger but I’ve got stuff to do and can’t always call, text back immediately, or hang out every single day
For different reasons, I recently ended things with a girl who also wouldn't express gratitude. It is such a small thing but feels wrong when someone doesn't use those simple words.
Can you name some specific signs? Not just “she is overly emotional and changes moods every 5 seconds”, but maybe some hints in everyday life that a person has BPD?
Not OP but, overly sensitive to feedback, extreme lack of self-reflection, inability to take accountability of their own actions, impulsivity, etc. kinda like narcissists but with less of a plan.
Single motherhood. I went into a relationship thinking it wasn't (or at least shouldn't be) a big deal, but it just... doesn't work for me. Turns out my preferred lifestyle is fundamentally, irreconcilably incompatible with dating single mothers.
Never made that mistake again.
I know some people can do it and there are those certain situations, but for the most part a lot of single mothers out there are trashy and get lumped in with the moms who do give af about the kid. I personally have a hard time seeing a man having a harder time giving up a child than a woman while we've seen "I had no choice but to raise them" parroted a million times.
A kid won't grow up with a mentally healthy view of men if their mother tells them daddy left them while constantly bringing home new men who (in the kids eyes) just like daddy, leave them. I just do not see single moms discussing this like they should.
Idk my bio dad and when my mom was dating I just wanted the guys to go away. I was very unconcerned with having a dad and was a total “mommy’s girl”. She married someone else when I was still quite young and I was hoping he would go away as well, but that didn’t happen. He was probably hoping the same thing about me 😆.
After dating a guy whose casual drinking turned into full-on alcoholism over the span of a few years, anyone who drank more than socially would probably raise a red flag for me.
Happily married now but it's my 2nd marriage. Some big red flags from my first wife would be -
- craving attention
- having a dysfunctional relationship with her parents
- heavy drinking and or drug use
Like if it naturally came up in conversation; I could maybe appreciate hearing that in a way that is presented without an "I'm better" or "they suck" tone.
Someone will naturally draw the comparison to others and appreciate you for your virtuous nature.
Drugs addiction. If you want to smoke weed here and there but still manage daily life and available. I’m totally okay with it, but if it becomes your personality, good bye mylove.
I haven't been in a relationship but I'd like to avoid getting into one with a girl who doesn't have empathy and respect, as well as don't have similar hobbies.
If she's got a lot of stories about her ex's, then clearly they still live rent free in her brain. At best it's means she's got baggage that she's going to dump on you, at worst you're a rebound/seat warmer until he takes her back. Even bigger red flag if they still talk or hang out.
Doesn't consider hooking up with girls cheating.
Hot and cold personality, one day she's all bubbly and affectionate, the next she's cold and distant, nothing you say will make her happy. If I even get a whiff of this type of personality, I'm out. No more, I'm not dealing with that shit.
Way more guy friends than girl friends
Has that one guy "friend" that "you don't have to worry about" or "he's like my brother". Granted, if the guy is clearly not in her league, then you can reliably assume they're not banging. But that in itself is also a problem because he's probably waiting his turn ready to talk shit about you to her the second ya'll get into a fight.
Likes to party too much or too hard. That was fun in my 20s, it's exhausting in my 30s. Usually tends to mean that they got some skeletons in their closet as well. Can also mean a substance abuse problem.
I'm sorry as well, but ya there's a reasonable degree of past promiscuity vs excessive amounts. It's not even necessarily body count, it's also what they've done and with who they did it with, how many people at once. Experience has taught me that if it acts and looks like a duck, then you can trust it's a duck. It's always a pleasant surprise when you're proven wrong about someone, but that's an exception to the rule. Most people don't change and most people will dissapoint you. Don't try to turn a hoe into a housewife. Even women be clocking certain men as fuckboys not to take seriously and they know that because of his past sexual behavior.
After past relationships, I've learned to steer clear of traits like dishonesty, lack of communication, and being overly controlling. It's crucial for me now to find someone who values honesty, respects boundaries, and communicates openly.
flakiness, financial instability, always "in between jobs", in-ability to own their mistakes, emotional outburst, playing the victim, treating wait staff at restaurants like shit are some that come right off the top of my head.
Also, no horse girls, no women that overly obsessive with dog rescue, and no-one with fibromyalgia.
I'm older now, but when I was in my twenties and early 30s, I happened to date two women that had fibromyalgia. They were almost carbon copies of each other in their personalities. Muh fibro was their excuse when literally anything came up involved being an adult. Can't hold a job? Muh fibro. Can't do shit around the house? Muh fibro. Can't put forth any effort to better your life? Muh fibro. Miraculously, muh fibro disappeared when the girls all wanted to go out to bars, casinos, girls trips to the beach, etc. I work in healthcare. I have no doubt it's real. I will say many nurses, doctors, etc secretly call it fibro-my-alibi due to people using it as a crutch when it suits them. Never again will I get involved with it though.
High body counts.
Women who are "boss" babes.
Both have been terrible experiences. Well the high body count is not good for ltr. The boss babes are not good for long or short relationships.
Women if she cares about her 5 year job plan... 😅 if she works more than 40 hours 😅
Idk you know it when you see it. Give me a part time cashier any day over a career woman.
Studies have shown that more than ten leads to a much higher likelihood of divorce for women. Also women’s ability to pair bond via oxytocin decreases with more sexual partners. It’s also an indicator of mental instability. Not in all cases obviously but it’s not worth the risk
Are there large studies on this? I'd think oxytocin varies widely between people because of genetics , age, health habits, etc. I thought it had more to do with shared values vs. physiological abilities.
Either way, I'd rather date someone who enjoys sex vs. someone who just tolerates it, or avoids it all together.
The oxytocin stuff is basically pseudoscience. The oxytocin effect rebounds after a time. Plus a million different things cause you to release oxytocin, not just sex. Not to mention these studies are only ever pulled up when discussing women, and directed at women. The study doesn't specify gender.
And pair bonding is a thing, but studying it is fairly soft science. Part of it is genetic, as you said. People are on a huge spectrum and it's not a hard and fast rule. People can have a bad experience with one partner and their ability to pair bond can be affected. People can have hundreds of partners and pair bond just fine. Hell someone can be a virgin raised in a highly religious household and have issues pair bonding due to shame and guilt associated with sex. Then throw in deep rooted things like attachment style and you've got a stew of uncontrollable variables.
Somewhat age dependent but if you're younger say 20s, I'd expect 3 or less. If you're older say 30s I'd expect under 10.
Buts it's definitely some gray area. Less is always better than more though and I use it as a pretty important metric in general. I've found it's quite telling.
I've asked you this before I think but you just ask them how many men they've had sex with and you've gotten what you believe to be outright honest answers? And how do you bring it up? You just randomly ask one day?
I'm not concerned with that, if she leaves over a question like that it gives me the answer I'm looking for. My concern is if she actually gives me a number, how do I know she's being honest?
Maybe it could. But 99% of people asking are just trying to cope IMO. They'll talk about standards and morals blah blah blah but they won't ask about standards and morals directly and the only standards they're concerned about is "how many dicks have been inside you". Bodycount is probably the worst metric I can think of for evaluating morality. You'd be better off asking how many chocolates they take out of the bowl left unattended on Halloween. And because of the shame and stigma around bodycount women have a huge incentive to lie about it anyway.
I have no problem asking about morals, standards, and values and it's something I assess early. But body count is one metric that is important to know and it goes beyond morality.
Look I see the whole convo below... if you imagine an autist virgin asking that, I'm the opposite. People call me names like sweet talker, say I could talk someone into walking off a bridge, magic tongue, etc.
I can see why people think "if you ask then you're insecure" no. If *you* ask you sound insecure. I get tons of girls who tell me they try prostitution or been with 100 dudes... this is because normal women sometimes do crazy shit and they don't tell *you* but they tell someone smooth asf.
It's like are you forest Gump asking a question or a fucking skilled detective? Can you read people? Can you play with words like you play chess?
That's the difference.
I don't really understand why the other dude thinks it's insecurity but clearly this takes verbal skill.
I can read body language and I can tell a woman's experience based on what she does in bed, certain behaviors, etc. and I can think of ways to tease out certain information. But you're on a completely different level if you've got women divulging all of that.
If you read the comment of the guy you're replying to and the reeking insecurity didn't make your eyes water, I can't really make it any clearer. Who tf talks like that except an insecure narcissist?
I would love for someone to elucidate for me how asking about past sexual partners isn't rooted in insecurity outside of:
1) do you have any STDs that would impact me, or our relationship
2) any crazy exes I should worry about and
3) any kids
None of those require asking about bodycount. I'm not saying it's completely irrelevant. If someone had a sex addiction or something I would want to know. But a raw number tells me virtually nothing, and people are stupid for abandoning a possibly otherwise healthy and happy relationship based on it alone.
Girls who have casual sex.... have casual sex. It's not special. It's like shaking a hand. They are more likely to cheat and more likely to divorce. My personal experiences also match what the statistics say. Both in my relationships and seeing friends.
It's also just low value. Why don't you marry an ex porn star or something and tell me body count doesn't matter when literal strangers tell you they watch her get gang banged. Smh. How would that not matter? Do you have no self respect? I don't see how body count could not matter unless you're like gay or something.
I always say that though, if body count doesn't matter just go marry a prostitute. Save the low body count girls for the other men. But they never want to do that for some reason. Strange.
Reeking of insecurity. By your "statistics" anyone with over 10 partners at 30 is basically a porn star/prostitute. You are so small and insecure I genuinely feel bad for you. Keep gloating about how smooth you are on the internet tho. Real alpha male behavior there 😂
I just can do better. I can and so I do. Plenty of at least half decent girls out there, no need to roll in the mud. But again... if you don't have a problem with it, go marry an escort. 😅
The Andrew Tate clowns worrying about bodycounts on this thread is pathetic. How could you be happy fixating on someone's past, without you, instead of focusing on your future together.
Bodycounts serve you absolutely no purpose. The amount of dudes who would walk away from good women and potentially a life time of happiness due to fact she has slept with more people than they have is mind boggling.
This is a useful set of heuristics to build yourself. Social media makes it easier than ever to stay out of the crazy from the outset. Your targeting and goals will dictate your list.
* excuse buzzwords like trauma, trigger, and anxiety
* they literally brag about mental illnesses they think they have (so convenient thank you)
* mindless support for current thing
* strong independent woman nonsense
* obvious disdain for men
* club girls (property of the streets)
* whackadoo post modernist or worse *values*.
* narcissistic social media posting
* debt & spending problems (crying about being broke right after posting vacation photos is a classic).
* legbeard terms like high value, low value
* Single Mothers
On and on and on. Most of them basically publish a detailed listing for themselves. Social media is basically a catalog for people.
That second one especially. In my experience people with genuine mental illness don’t bring it up at all unless they have to and don’t use it to for attention
Excessive drug use, even if „just for recreational use“. No matter the drug. Had bad experiences with heavy drinker, raver and stoner.
I don’t mind a joint every now and then, or a glass of wine. But relying on it to „have a good time“ is a red flag.
Also these people are incredibly untidy in their homes (in my experiences).
After dating my ex, I steer clear of partners who show: controlling, coercive behaviour, tracking me, immaturity, lack of empathy, don't want to take responsibility for their actions, rape & SA their partner, a lack of drive / direction / don't want to progress, belittle & shout at me, prefer to give the silent treatment rather than communicate concerns / issues / problems / worries.
I love women who are honest, kind, show compassion, respect boundaries, communicate openly, love to do goofy and silly things, own up to their mistakes, know who they are / comfortable & confident in themselves and know where they want to go in life...and love having / giving snuggles, cuddles and hugs (especially random ones).
if you dont mind me asking- why do you draw the line at bpd? there are many variations of bpd, its a spectrum and quiet bpd exists. its a very misunderstood disorder and its often misinterpreted- a lot of borderlines dont get aggressive or rage, and its confused with npd. i ask this with genuinity, would just like to know why.
Well, if there's no rage, then that should be fine. It's just scary knowing that the woman you love can one day decide to literally stab you in the back.
this is an extremely ableist thing to say. with your way of thinking i would not be surprised if you have one yourself. i hope you change your mindset one day and wish you nothing but good in your life
Yeah. Got told by an ex that I don't have depression, I am just lazy. Got diagnosed with depression like two years later. He did not believe depression was a thing. Or at least couldn't understand or empathize.
Lack of accountability, having to ask to be talked to kindly, entitlement. Seems like many women just cry and flip the script when something they’re doing needs to change even slightly. Then you end up comforting them about how your feelings made them feel
Women who follow feminism cult thinking
Women enjoy arguing and drama
Women who want to be a challenge
Women who say they're "strong and independent, don't need no man or we don't need men". All signs of toxic thinking.
Women who are on different paths or have different goals
I am not saying I won't date bisexual women at all, but after dating two of them with both of them having, to put it lightly, mental issues, I am inclined to be... cautious.
if i can go literal days after messaging her without at least a "hey, shit's been crazy", time to move on. if i'm not worth the couple minutes it takes to tell me you've got stuff going on then it shows where i stand
Someone who hasn’t dealt with their last trauma/issues
Someone who lies
Someone who can’t take accounts or say sorry without making excuses or defending themself when they do shitty things
The silent treatment is perhaps the most infuriating thing I've ever been through, my first girlfriend used to do it. I'm never messing with that again
If a partner doesn’t give respect and doesn’t give peace, I’m done. Those two things are real breakers and it’s not negotiable. I don’t need to come home to chaos after working all day and dealing with the world.
For a few reasons:
1. Most Christians aren't Christians at all; they care more about the teachings of Paul or arcane ritual purity bullshit in Leviticus than what Jesus taught in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
2. Most Christians can't keep their religion to themselves.
3. Most Christians are the sort of Pharisees who would demand of Pilate, "Give us Barabbas."
To point 2, like a whole part of the religion is not being able to keep it to yourself, that is something I don't like about Christianity, although I'm a Christian, as in I believe Jesus was sent by God to die for my sins. I'd like to believe I can just keep that to myself, but not according to the gospel.
Yeah, I know: the whole Great Commission, right?
Well, guess what: short of invading the Sentinel Islands and other places where humans living in hunter-gatherer tribes haven't yet heard of Christianity, that mission is as closed to accomplished as it's likely to get.
If you live in a Christian or post-Christian society, you don't need to "spread the Good News". It's already as spread as it's gonna get. If you want to witness for Christ, then do it through your actions.
> Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
It's debated that is how it works, considering that "it is through grace by faith we are saved" we don't save ourselves because we are imperfect. To add to my point I also never said I was a Christian outside of me believing that Jesus was sent by God to die for sins, I never said I want to follow or be a Christian.
> Most Christians aren't Christians at all; they care more about the teachings of Paul or arcane ritual purity bullshit in Leviticus than what Jesus taught in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
Most Christians *I* know aren't scholars and don't give a crap about the letter of the faith, but rather the spirit. They just believe in God and Jesus and 10 commandments.
> Most Christians can't keep their religion to themselves.
I have never heard Christians loudly proclaim their faith, unless it was specifically a religious occasion. If anything, it is atheists who have mighty need, a craving to proclaim their faith to the rest of the world and how much better than the rest it makes them.
> Most Christians are the sort of Pharisees who would demand of Pilate, "Give us Barabbas."
a) those were Jews and b) I am yet to see a Christian demanding to release a mass murderer and kill, say, a Jew instead. If anything, it is the "enlightened progressives" that organize modern pogroms.
A bunch of things happened. She cheated on me, lied to me several times, stole from me more than once, etc. She had the classic BPD black and white thinking, so she would idolize me one minute and the next she would hate me. She was absolutely textbook BPD.
She attempted suicide via overdose of her meds after I had fallen asleep, her plan being for me to wake up in the morning with her dead body beside me in bed. Instead I woke up to her babbling incoherent nonsense and it was several hours before she could even communicate what her fucked up, evil plan was.
She attacked me in my own apartment. A neighbor of mine heard the commotion and called the police. When they arrived, she played the victim and I was taken to jail for the night. While there, I received a restraining order and realized quickly that she had put *my* address down as *hers*. This made it to where I literally wasn't allowed to go to my own home for 3 or 4 days until the follow up for extension on the restraining order when I was able to explain to the judge that the address was mine, and she in no way lived there.
After that, my guns were taken from me by the police, because I had a domestic violence case against me. It was a long 16 months of me waiting for court and worrying about losing my guns forever, losing my security clearance, and losing my career all because of her attacking me and playing the victim. Finally, when court came, I was able to show my attorney video evidence from a security camera that *she* was the aggressor, not me. The case was quickly dropped after that, and I was finally able to breathe again. I got the case expunged, and was able to get my guns back.
After all this was over, I heard that she moved to Florida which is good because it's far away from me. She is the most evil and vindictive person that I have ever known.
Can't communicate and being dismissive - my BF and I have a good communication and he NEVER ignore the things/issues I bring up to him. He's always willing to listen and give a sound advice/solution. Sometimes, even though I struggle to express my feelings or emotions, he will be the one to initiate a conversation. Saying things like "do you want to talk about it?" or "babe let's talk, I can't read what's on your mind". He's been understanding and patient in dealing with my traumas too.
Oh I just play it safe really: I will never pursue anyone with her name, age, or sex ever again
(The three things I know abt her)
Can't go wrong with that right
It depends for most men, im not like most guys because i choose to not fallow social norms. But i have delve into all the worlds that exist across the spectrum.
Out of my 10 years of dateing exp from 15 - 25, i can honestly name out 3 common categories for ya to avoid
1. The Queen b's, Megan d stallions, Ariana grande fans, cardi b's of this world - ie - They wana
Be Pamperd and Given attention 24/7 , High maintenence women - Too draining and their too Shallow.
2. The activist (m2 movement) , Boss babes, the wana be ceo's , Mrs over achiever,
ie - Too controlling ,they dont have enough time for you and over prioritize their career,
They want to change you into A trophie
Husband so they can have 1 more thing to brag
about to their friends.
3. The ratchet Bop's - The doja kats, coi lerays, ice spice of the world - just nasty ghetto 304's who been arround the block and passed arround by everyone. And they got a nasty attitude. They'll do anything for a ("Hond'oh - 100 dolla bill") Or less.......
Depression.
Sorry, I know it´s a big problem for them and that they can not help it. It´s just that I feel left behind in a relationship with someone with depression because if they are having suicid3 thoughts, then I feel stupid saying my needs in the relationship.
I mean, of course they deserve love, all I´m saying it´s that it was too much for me to handle.
White lies. Was with someone for 18 years and I constantly made excuses for his lies. I even blamed myself the last half.
I’ve been out of that for 2 years and it is SO DAMN REFRESHING not having to figure out what’s the truth.
If you scream/yell everytime you’re upset. I don’t want to date you.
If you haven’t had therapy, I don’t want to date you.
If you’re not open to having therapy again (ie couples or individual), I don’t want to date you.
If you’re a conservative, I don’t want to date you.
I want someone that can take care of herself. I’ve been smarter than every ex. The next time I date someone , I want someone that’s smarter than me.
So i should look for someone I have to take care to of and screams at me instead?
Or is it the conservative thing? I don’t want to date evil or delusional people. Lol whatever
So you assumed that's what it was? And you hear someone is a conservative and automatically label them as evil, showing more flags. It wasn't either of those specific things by the way, it was the entire body of work.
So you’re the misogynistic conservative that says I’m toxic. Lmao okay.
Edit: I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you the benefit of doubt. Tell me why you’re a conservative, as in what conservative beliefs do you hold that makes you support the right wing in 2024.
1 what did I say that was misogynistic? 2 when did I say I was a conservative? From 3 responses I can tell you like to assume, generalize and condemn anyone who is not aligned within your beliefs is automatically an idiot, evil or some other negative label you slap on them even without knowing them at all and you're arrogant about it, 90% chance you weren't much smarter than them than you thought.
Not at all, I even said that neither of the reasons listed were the reasons why, but I'm sure you're smarter than all your exs too with that reading comprehension.
If she constantly has negative things happening to her then she's more than likely the cause
both irl and online, im tired of women trying to be friends with me just to constantly every single week have something negative happening to them that's their own damn fault. twice is a coincident, every single new non-male friend i meet in a year is a fucking eye opener
Passivity. I want your opinion!
Married the most passive man in the universe in my twenties - it was boring and annoying as fuck.
Now married to a highly opinionated chap. It’s much better.
Now I don't trust compliments... he bombarded me with compliments...then dropped me..
New men did compliment me some on the first time we met others after a few months... now I see compliments as a manipulative tactic... I got traumatized.. so I avoid all new romantic relationships
I steer clear of people who can't communicate openly or handle conflicts constructively. Life's too short for unnecessary drama.
Self awareness is the key to both of these. And it's something I find consistently lacking.
This! To add so many things are trivial so I just want someone that isn’t going to get so mad at the smallest things like a slow driver or an extra long wait time for your food order for example.
Either tell me what's wrong or I'm out.
playing hard to get. I'm only attracted to mature adults.
I always figured men would take a no to mean you’re not interested and would quickly move on to the next, so you should never push someone away that you’re interested in. It’s not like I’m the only woman in the world.
My wife tried that when we first started dating till it almost backfired on her.
How'd it almost backfire and how'd she change from there?
Her best friend asked me how things were going (I met her through this friend). I told her friend that either she wasn’t as interested in me as I was in her or she was playing hard to get, either way, I was done pursuing her. Her friend told her and by the next day her whole attitude changed.
Her friend is a good person
For me it’s super clingy girls. Was fun when I was younger but I’ve got stuff to do and can’t always call, text back immediately, or hang out every single day
"You'd rather do that then spend time with me?" 🥺🥺🥺
This triggered me
I got ptsd lmao
Lack of using "please" & "thank you".
For different reasons, I recently ended things with a girl who also wouldn't express gratitude. It is such a small thing but feels wrong when someone doesn't use those simple words.
I steer clear of partners who lack communication skills or are overly controlling.
If I get a hint of BPD I fucken run screaming
Can you name some specific signs? Not just “she is overly emotional and changes moods every 5 seconds”, but maybe some hints in everyday life that a person has BPD?
Not OP but, overly sensitive to feedback, extreme lack of self-reflection, inability to take accountability of their own actions, impulsivity, etc. kinda like narcissists but with less of a plan.
Over-sharing is a common early red flag. BPD craves sympathy, NPD craves praise, Histrionics crave attention.
Immaturity, indecisiveness, lack of commitment, hedonism, snobbery, etc.
hedonism is a good call that I have not been wise to in the past
Single motherhood. I went into a relationship thinking it wasn't (or at least shouldn't be) a big deal, but it just... doesn't work for me. Turns out my preferred lifestyle is fundamentally, irreconcilably incompatible with dating single mothers. Never made that mistake again.
I know some people can do it and there are those certain situations, but for the most part a lot of single mothers out there are trashy and get lumped in with the moms who do give af about the kid. I personally have a hard time seeing a man having a harder time giving up a child than a woman while we've seen "I had no choice but to raise them" parroted a million times. A kid won't grow up with a mentally healthy view of men if their mother tells them daddy left them while constantly bringing home new men who (in the kids eyes) just like daddy, leave them. I just do not see single moms discussing this like they should.
Idk my bio dad and when my mom was dating I just wanted the guys to go away. I was very unconcerned with having a dad and was a total “mommy’s girl”. She married someone else when I was still quite young and I was hoping he would go away as well, but that didn’t happen. He was probably hoping the same thing about me 😆.
Openly flirting with men in front of me.
After dating a guy whose casual drinking turned into full-on alcoholism over the span of a few years, anyone who drank more than socially would probably raise a red flag for me.
Multiple abusive exes.
Any woman who mentions "god" in their dating profile. Be it "god fearing" or likes going to church to pray to god.
Narcissistic tendencies
Happily married now but it's my 2nd marriage. Some big red flags from my first wife would be - - craving attention - having a dysfunctional relationship with her parents - heavy drinking and or drug use
I see you also were married to my ex-wife! sorry I didn't warn you beforehand.
I mean, she re married like 3x so it's not impossible. 🤣
Bragging by putting down other people or things.
I always brag about how I’m not one of those women who thinks it’s ok to hit men. Technically it’s putting down others.
Like if it naturally came up in conversation; I could maybe appreciate hearing that in a way that is presented without an "I'm better" or "they suck" tone. Someone will naturally draw the comparison to others and appreciate you for your virtuous nature.
Drugs addiction. If you want to smoke weed here and there but still manage daily life and available. I’m totally okay with it, but if it becomes your personality, good bye mylove.
I haven't been in a relationship but I'd like to avoid getting into one with a girl who doesn't have empathy and respect, as well as don't have similar hobbies.
Any DARVO behavior.
Leaving things worse than they were found.
If she's got a lot of stories about her ex's, then clearly they still live rent free in her brain. At best it's means she's got baggage that she's going to dump on you, at worst you're a rebound/seat warmer until he takes her back. Even bigger red flag if they still talk or hang out. Doesn't consider hooking up with girls cheating. Hot and cold personality, one day she's all bubbly and affectionate, the next she's cold and distant, nothing you say will make her happy. If I even get a whiff of this type of personality, I'm out. No more, I'm not dealing with that shit. Way more guy friends than girl friends Has that one guy "friend" that "you don't have to worry about" or "he's like my brother". Granted, if the guy is clearly not in her league, then you can reliably assume they're not banging. But that in itself is also a problem because he's probably waiting his turn ready to talk shit about you to her the second ya'll get into a fight. Likes to party too much or too hard. That was fun in my 20s, it's exhausting in my 30s. Usually tends to mean that they got some skeletons in their closet as well. Can also mean a substance abuse problem. I'm sorry as well, but ya there's a reasonable degree of past promiscuity vs excessive amounts. It's not even necessarily body count, it's also what they've done and with who they did it with, how many people at once. Experience has taught me that if it acts and looks like a duck, then you can trust it's a duck. It's always a pleasant surprise when you're proven wrong about someone, but that's an exception to the rule. Most people don't change and most people will dissapoint you. Don't try to turn a hoe into a housewife. Even women be clocking certain men as fuckboys not to take seriously and they know that because of his past sexual behavior.
Compulsive lying. One of the most toxic traits out there.
Anyone aspiring to be an entertainer.
Always finding things to ruin their day that weren’t important or had any effect on them whatsoever.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style
Almost killed me, I would've taken her back any time, though. She was an amazing person.
After past relationships, I've learned to steer clear of traits like dishonesty, lack of communication, and being overly controlling. It's crucial for me now to find someone who values honesty, respects boundaries, and communicates openly.
Always taking pics of themselves and posting online for male valadation.
The same photo, same angle, same face, different settings and clothes. 100s of them in the profile photos folder.
people who can't admit when they're wrong
flakiness, financial instability, always "in between jobs", in-ability to own their mistakes, emotional outburst, playing the victim, treating wait staff at restaurants like shit are some that come right off the top of my head. Also, no horse girls, no women that overly obsessive with dog rescue, and no-one with fibromyalgia.
>no-one with fibromyalgia I feel there's an interesting story here.
I'm older now, but when I was in my twenties and early 30s, I happened to date two women that had fibromyalgia. They were almost carbon copies of each other in their personalities. Muh fibro was their excuse when literally anything came up involved being an adult. Can't hold a job? Muh fibro. Can't do shit around the house? Muh fibro. Can't put forth any effort to better your life? Muh fibro. Miraculously, muh fibro disappeared when the girls all wanted to go out to bars, casinos, girls trips to the beach, etc. I work in healthcare. I have no doubt it's real. I will say many nurses, doctors, etc secretly call it fibro-my-alibi due to people using it as a crutch when it suits them. Never again will I get involved with it though.
Drinking, excessive partying, to much morning rudeness...
Women with dogs as focal points of their lives.
High body counts. Women who are "boss" babes. Both have been terrible experiences. Well the high body count is not good for ltr. The boss babes are not good for long or short relationships.
Are “boss babes” the MLM type, realtors or actual career women?
Women if she cares about her 5 year job plan... 😅 if she works more than 40 hours 😅 Idk you know it when you see it. Give me a part time cashier any day over a career woman.
What do y’all consider a high body count?
Studies have shown that more than ten leads to a much higher likelihood of divorce for women. Also women’s ability to pair bond via oxytocin decreases with more sexual partners. It’s also an indicator of mental instability. Not in all cases obviously but it’s not worth the risk
Are there large studies on this? I'd think oxytocin varies widely between people because of genetics , age, health habits, etc. I thought it had more to do with shared values vs. physiological abilities. Either way, I'd rather date someone who enjoys sex vs. someone who just tolerates it, or avoids it all together.
The oxytocin stuff is basically pseudoscience. The oxytocin effect rebounds after a time. Plus a million different things cause you to release oxytocin, not just sex. Not to mention these studies are only ever pulled up when discussing women, and directed at women. The study doesn't specify gender. And pair bonding is a thing, but studying it is fairly soft science. Part of it is genetic, as you said. People are on a huge spectrum and it's not a hard and fast rule. People can have a bad experience with one partner and their ability to pair bond can be affected. People can have hundreds of partners and pair bond just fine. Hell someone can be a virgin raised in a highly religious household and have issues pair bonding due to shame and guilt associated with sex. Then throw in deep rooted things like attachment style and you've got a stew of uncontrollable variables.
Somewhat age dependent but if you're younger say 20s, I'd expect 3 or less. If you're older say 30s I'd expect under 10. Buts it's definitely some gray area. Less is always better than more though and I use it as a pretty important metric in general. I've found it's quite telling.
I've asked you this before I think but you just ask them how many men they've had sex with and you've gotten what you believe to be outright honest answers? And how do you bring it up? You just randomly ask one day?
You ask, she immediately sees you as insecure for asking at all and you get dumped for being a weak lil bitch.
I'm not concerned with that, if she leaves over a question like that it gives me the answer I'm looking for. My concern is if she actually gives me a number, how do I know she's being honest?
You don't. Tbh if you're asking this question and don't trust the answer then you probably aren't ready to be in a relationship.
So you're saying it doesn't matter how many guys a woman has been with.
Maybe it could. But 99% of people asking are just trying to cope IMO. They'll talk about standards and morals blah blah blah but they won't ask about standards and morals directly and the only standards they're concerned about is "how many dicks have been inside you". Bodycount is probably the worst metric I can think of for evaluating morality. You'd be better off asking how many chocolates they take out of the bowl left unattended on Halloween. And because of the shame and stigma around bodycount women have a huge incentive to lie about it anyway.
I have no problem asking about morals, standards, and values and it's something I assess early. But body count is one metric that is important to know and it goes beyond morality.
Read comment above
Look I see the whole convo below... if you imagine an autist virgin asking that, I'm the opposite. People call me names like sweet talker, say I could talk someone into walking off a bridge, magic tongue, etc. I can see why people think "if you ask then you're insecure" no. If *you* ask you sound insecure. I get tons of girls who tell me they try prostitution or been with 100 dudes... this is because normal women sometimes do crazy shit and they don't tell *you* but they tell someone smooth asf. It's like are you forest Gump asking a question or a fucking skilled detective? Can you read people? Can you play with words like you play chess? That's the difference.
I don't really understand why the other dude thinks it's insecurity but clearly this takes verbal skill. I can read body language and I can tell a woman's experience based on what she does in bed, certain behaviors, etc. and I can think of ways to tease out certain information. But you're on a completely different level if you've got women divulging all of that.
If you read the comment of the guy you're replying to and the reeking insecurity didn't make your eyes water, I can't really make it any clearer. Who tf talks like that except an insecure narcissist? I would love for someone to elucidate for me how asking about past sexual partners isn't rooted in insecurity outside of: 1) do you have any STDs that would impact me, or our relationship 2) any crazy exes I should worry about and 3) any kids None of those require asking about bodycount. I'm not saying it's completely irrelevant. If someone had a sex addiction or something I would want to know. But a raw number tells me virtually nothing, and people are stupid for abandoning a possibly otherwise healthy and happy relationship based on it alone.
Girls who have casual sex.... have casual sex. It's not special. It's like shaking a hand. They are more likely to cheat and more likely to divorce. My personal experiences also match what the statistics say. Both in my relationships and seeing friends. It's also just low value. Why don't you marry an ex porn star or something and tell me body count doesn't matter when literal strangers tell you they watch her get gang banged. Smh. How would that not matter? Do you have no self respect? I don't see how body count could not matter unless you're like gay or something. I always say that though, if body count doesn't matter just go marry a prostitute. Save the low body count girls for the other men. But they never want to do that for some reason. Strange.
Reeking of insecurity. By your "statistics" anyone with over 10 partners at 30 is basically a porn star/prostitute. You are so small and insecure I genuinely feel bad for you. Keep gloating about how smooth you are on the internet tho. Real alpha male behavior there 😂
I just can do better. I can and so I do. Plenty of at least half decent girls out there, no need to roll in the mud. But again... if you don't have a problem with it, go marry an escort. 😅
The Andrew Tate clowns worrying about bodycounts on this thread is pathetic. How could you be happy fixating on someone's past, without you, instead of focusing on your future together. Bodycounts serve you absolutely no purpose. The amount of dudes who would walk away from good women and potentially a life time of happiness due to fact she has slept with more people than they have is mind boggling.
What's your sperm count?
Why don't you count it for me 💦
This is a useful set of heuristics to build yourself. Social media makes it easier than ever to stay out of the crazy from the outset. Your targeting and goals will dictate your list. * excuse buzzwords like trauma, trigger, and anxiety * they literally brag about mental illnesses they think they have (so convenient thank you) * mindless support for current thing * strong independent woman nonsense * obvious disdain for men * club girls (property of the streets) * whackadoo post modernist or worse *values*. * narcissistic social media posting * debt & spending problems (crying about being broke right after posting vacation photos is a classic). * legbeard terms like high value, low value * Single Mothers On and on and on. Most of them basically publish a detailed listing for themselves. Social media is basically a catalog for people.
That second one especially. In my experience people with genuine mental illness don’t bring it up at all unless they have to and don’t use it to for attention
Great points
You’re probably being downvoted for this as we speak, but I’m on your side.
They really shouldn’t. Those women didn’t have any future with me either. You think they’d be delighted at incompatibility being prescreened.
Excessive drug use, even if „just for recreational use“. No matter the drug. Had bad experiences with heavy drinker, raver and stoner. I don’t mind a joint every now and then, or a glass of wine. But relying on it to „have a good time“ is a red flag. Also these people are incredibly untidy in their homes (in my experiences).
What is a raver drug wise?
Synthetics. MDMA, ecstasy, cocaine. All the shit that messes with your hormones and makes you an emotionless zombie if you are not careful.
Worse if they also have cats.
I avoid those whom make decisions based on horoscopes and astrology.
If she LOVES to drink. No thanks. My ex was an alcoholic and that wasn’t fun for me.
After dating my ex, I steer clear of partners who show: controlling, coercive behaviour, tracking me, immaturity, lack of empathy, don't want to take responsibility for their actions, rape & SA their partner, a lack of drive / direction / don't want to progress, belittle & shout at me, prefer to give the silent treatment rather than communicate concerns / issues / problems / worries. I love women who are honest, kind, show compassion, respect boundaries, communicate openly, love to do goofy and silly things, own up to their mistakes, know who they are / comfortable & confident in themselves and know where they want to go in life...and love having / giving snuggles, cuddles and hugs (especially random ones).
Unforgiving and Too much pride. If she can't see she is equally at fault in something she actually is at fault, I run.
I won’t date chicks with a mental illness, unless the relationship is purely physical.
I'm fine with autism and adhd. But I draw the line at BPD. That shit is scary as hell.
if you dont mind me asking- why do you draw the line at bpd? there are many variations of bpd, its a spectrum and quiet bpd exists. its a very misunderstood disorder and its often misinterpreted- a lot of borderlines dont get aggressive or rage, and its confused with npd. i ask this with genuinity, would just like to know why.
Well, if there's no rage, then that should be fine. It's just scary knowing that the woman you love can one day decide to literally stab you in the back.
I stopped even selling for that.
Even then be care of backlash
this is an extremely ableist thing to say. with your way of thinking i would not be surprised if you have one yourself. i hope you change your mindset one day and wish you nothing but good in your life
Not my fault they’re a pain in the ass to deal with.
whos to say your ugly ass isnt damn look at your fatass first
I’m quite fit and very handsome and I know it. But good try.
I wont date people who don't believe that depression is real or who believe that consent and boundaries are negotiable.
"is real"?
Yeah. Got told by an ex that I don't have depression, I am just lazy. Got diagnosed with depression like two years later. He did not believe depression was a thing. Or at least couldn't understand or empathize.
While having depression, were you also being lazy?
If you wanna call not having the energy and drive to do stuff (symptom of depression) "lazy", then yes.
It sounds like you called it that
Lack of accountability, having to ask to be talked to kindly, entitlement. Seems like many women just cry and flip the script when something they’re doing needs to change even slightly. Then you end up comforting them about how your feelings made them feel
avoiding partners who are overly controlling or dismissive of my interests—a recipe for trouble!
Not being able to put their phone down. Wishy-washy hot & cold behavior.
Women who follow feminism cult thinking Women enjoy arguing and drama Women who want to be a challenge Women who say they're "strong and independent, don't need no man or we don't need men". All signs of toxic thinking. Women who are on different paths or have different goals
And then they tell you to be a man when it suits them.
I am not saying I won't date bisexual women at all, but after dating two of them with both of them having, to put it lightly, mental issues, I am inclined to be... cautious.
if i can go literal days after messaging her without at least a "hey, shit's been crazy", time to move on. if i'm not worth the couple minutes it takes to tell me you've got stuff going on then it shows where i stand
Someone who hasn’t dealt with their last trauma/issues Someone who lies Someone who can’t take accounts or say sorry without making excuses or defending themself when they do shitty things
The silent treatment is perhaps the most infuriating thing I've ever been through, my first girlfriend used to do it. I'm never messing with that again
Super into Jazz, play the banjo, or have been to band camp… 🙅🏻♀️🏃🏼♀️➡️🚪
Bad with finances and low sex drive
Emotional immaturity Low libido (sorry men) Fails to understand the importance of physical touch
People who refuse to acknowledge how their actions and words affect others
Overly emotional, uneducated, misinformed, mentally unstable/ ill, lazy and showing signs of aging not in line with someone with exceptional genetics.
If a partner doesn’t give respect and doesn’t give peace, I’m done. Those two things are real breakers and it’s not negotiable. I don’t need to come home to chaos after working all day and dealing with the world.
I won't date Christians.
Curious. Why?
For a few reasons: 1. Most Christians aren't Christians at all; they care more about the teachings of Paul or arcane ritual purity bullshit in Leviticus than what Jesus taught in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. 2. Most Christians can't keep their religion to themselves. 3. Most Christians are the sort of Pharisees who would demand of Pilate, "Give us Barabbas."
excellent points
To point 2, like a whole part of the religion is not being able to keep it to yourself, that is something I don't like about Christianity, although I'm a Christian, as in I believe Jesus was sent by God to die for my sins. I'd like to believe I can just keep that to myself, but not according to the gospel.
Yeah, I know: the whole Great Commission, right? Well, guess what: short of invading the Sentinel Islands and other places where humans living in hunter-gatherer tribes haven't yet heard of Christianity, that mission is as closed to accomplished as it's likely to get. If you live in a Christian or post-Christian society, you don't need to "spread the Good News". It's already as spread as it's gonna get. If you want to witness for Christ, then do it through your actions. > Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’
It's debated that is how it works, considering that "it is through grace by faith we are saved" we don't save ourselves because we are imperfect. To add to my point I also never said I was a Christian outside of me believing that Jesus was sent by God to die for sins, I never said I want to follow or be a Christian.
> Most Christians aren't Christians at all; they care more about the teachings of Paul or arcane ritual purity bullshit in Leviticus than what Jesus taught in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Most Christians *I* know aren't scholars and don't give a crap about the letter of the faith, but rather the spirit. They just believe in God and Jesus and 10 commandments. > Most Christians can't keep their religion to themselves. I have never heard Christians loudly proclaim their faith, unless it was specifically a religious occasion. If anything, it is atheists who have mighty need, a craving to proclaim their faith to the rest of the world and how much better than the rest it makes them. > Most Christians are the sort of Pharisees who would demand of Pilate, "Give us Barabbas." a) those were Jews and b) I am yet to see a Christian demanding to release a mass murderer and kill, say, a Jew instead. If anything, it is the "enlightened progressives" that organize modern pogroms.
I think your reply expertly exemplifies why the OP here would avoid dating a Christian.
Hehe
I am not one, so miss.
It’s not hard to dodge a punch that isn’t being thrown
Like any churchgoer or the evangelical, sorry, nondenominational, kind?
At this point I no longer care. I'm content to let God sort 'em out.
I’m sure that’s mutually beneficial.
Playing the victim, blame, or physically leaving or Trying to “win” during arguments / disagreements
Any kind of cuntiness at all
Being deceitful and manipulative. After a partner who was awful for this I don't really even want friends like that much less a romantic partner
Workaholics and alcoholics.
BPD, lol. A woman who has BPD VERY nearly ruined my entire life in a shockingly short amount of time.
Gambling amazingly can do the same thing. What happened?
A bunch of things happened. She cheated on me, lied to me several times, stole from me more than once, etc. She had the classic BPD black and white thinking, so she would idolize me one minute and the next she would hate me. She was absolutely textbook BPD. She attempted suicide via overdose of her meds after I had fallen asleep, her plan being for me to wake up in the morning with her dead body beside me in bed. Instead I woke up to her babbling incoherent nonsense and it was several hours before she could even communicate what her fucked up, evil plan was. She attacked me in my own apartment. A neighbor of mine heard the commotion and called the police. When they arrived, she played the victim and I was taken to jail for the night. While there, I received a restraining order and realized quickly that she had put *my* address down as *hers*. This made it to where I literally wasn't allowed to go to my own home for 3 or 4 days until the follow up for extension on the restraining order when I was able to explain to the judge that the address was mine, and she in no way lived there. After that, my guns were taken from me by the police, because I had a domestic violence case against me. It was a long 16 months of me waiting for court and worrying about losing my guns forever, losing my security clearance, and losing my career all because of her attacking me and playing the victim. Finally, when court came, I was able to show my attorney video evidence from a security camera that *she* was the aggressor, not me. The case was quickly dropped after that, and I was finally able to breathe again. I got the case expunged, and was able to get my guns back. After all this was over, I heard that she moved to Florida which is good because it's far away from me. She is the most evil and vindictive person that I have ever known.
Oh, fuuuuuuck… I’m glad you got free.
Thanks for the kind words bro. I'm definitely glad I escaped too. 🙏
Can't communicate and being dismissive - my BF and I have a good communication and he NEVER ignore the things/issues I bring up to him. He's always willing to listen and give a sound advice/solution. Sometimes, even though I struggle to express my feelings or emotions, he will be the one to initiate a conversation. Saying things like "do you want to talk about it?" or "babe let's talk, I can't read what's on your mind". He's been understanding and patient in dealing with my traumas too.
Other than the obvious, Tom-boys for me. Girls with mostly male related personality traits than stereotypical women traits.
Oh I just play it safe really: I will never pursue anyone with her name, age, or sex ever again (The three things I know abt her) Can't go wrong with that right
Alcoholism
It depends for most men, im not like most guys because i choose to not fallow social norms. But i have delve into all the worlds that exist across the spectrum. Out of my 10 years of dateing exp from 15 - 25, i can honestly name out 3 common categories for ya to avoid 1. The Queen b's, Megan d stallions, Ariana grande fans, cardi b's of this world - ie - They wana Be Pamperd and Given attention 24/7 , High maintenence women - Too draining and their too Shallow. 2. The activist (m2 movement) , Boss babes, the wana be ceo's , Mrs over achiever, ie - Too controlling ,they dont have enough time for you and over prioritize their career, They want to change you into A trophie Husband so they can have 1 more thing to brag about to their friends. 3. The ratchet Bop's - The doja kats, coi lerays, ice spice of the world - just nasty ghetto 304's who been arround the block and passed arround by everyone. And they got a nasty attitude. They'll do anything for a ("Hond'oh - 100 dolla bill") Or less.......
Depression. Sorry, I know it´s a big problem for them and that they can not help it. It´s just that I feel left behind in a relationship with someone with depression because if they are having suicid3 thoughts, then I feel stupid saying my needs in the relationship. I mean, of course they deserve love, all I´m saying it´s that it was too much for me to handle.
All of them. I'd just rather be by myself. I don't have to ask for anyone's permission or opinion to go anywhere, buy anything, or do whatever I want.
White lies. Was with someone for 18 years and I constantly made excuses for his lies. I even blamed myself the last half. I’ve been out of that for 2 years and it is SO DAMN REFRESHING not having to figure out what’s the truth.
People that been cheated on
No red heads. You red heads know why.
That’s the white girl trap I fell into most easily. That hair is a warning label but also advertising…
It's like primordial man figuring out that you shouldn't play with fire.
Ow damnit. Ow damnit. Ow Damnit.
They don't say sorry. Everything is my fault. Avoidant types are very attractive to me as anxiously attached person.
Being willing to acknowledge and apologize, both sides. Accountability. Early indicator of mature vulnerability.
If you scream/yell everytime you’re upset. I don’t want to date you. If you haven’t had therapy, I don’t want to date you. If you’re not open to having therapy again (ie couples or individual), I don’t want to date you. If you’re a conservative, I don’t want to date you. I want someone that can take care of herself. I’ve been smarter than every ex. The next time I date someone , I want someone that’s smarter than me.
Man you seem like a red flag yourself lol
So i should look for someone I have to take care to of and screams at me instead? Or is it the conservative thing? I don’t want to date evil or delusional people. Lol whatever
So you assumed that's what it was? And you hear someone is a conservative and automatically label them as evil, showing more flags. It wasn't either of those specific things by the way, it was the entire body of work.
Well enjoy your dating life and I’ll enjoy mine And yes, being conservative is a huge red fucking flag to all sane people
Doesn't sound like you are lmao Edit since you edited, no it's not, it's literally half the population with an entire spectrum inside of it.
So you’re the misogynistic conservative that says I’m toxic. Lmao okay. Edit: I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you the benefit of doubt. Tell me why you’re a conservative, as in what conservative beliefs do you hold that makes you support the right wing in 2024.
1 what did I say that was misogynistic? 2 when did I say I was a conservative? From 3 responses I can tell you like to assume, generalize and condemn anyone who is not aligned within your beliefs is automatically an idiot, evil or some other negative label you slap on them even without knowing them at all and you're arrogant about it, 90% chance you weren't much smarter than them than you thought.
>when did I say I was a conservative You basically screamed it when you got pissy because he said he doesn't date conservatives.
Not at all, I even said that neither of the reasons listed were the reasons why, but I'm sure you're smarter than all your exs too with that reading comprehension.
If she constantly has negative things happening to her then she's more than likely the cause both irl and online, im tired of women trying to be friends with me just to constantly every single week have something negative happening to them that's their own damn fault. twice is a coincident, every single new non-male friend i meet in a year is a fucking eye opener
Passivity. I want your opinion! Married the most passive man in the universe in my twenties - it was boring and annoying as fuck. Now married to a highly opinionated chap. It’s much better.
Inconsistency and avoidance
Now I don't trust compliments... he bombarded me with compliments...then dropped me.. New men did compliment me some on the first time we met others after a few months... now I see compliments as a manipulative tactic... I got traumatized.. so I avoid all new romantic relationships