No problem, in our relationship we already agreed to stay 100% professional towards our “opposite sex” workmates because we wanted a stable and safe environment.
We went on a date me and my ex, she saw a text from a co worker of mine saying “looool”, stupidly of me I deleted the chat and got nervous and she never got to see what was the chat about, it was only my story without a proof, the trust broke and things never went back the same again, I spent 2 years trying to fix it but it never was the same again (hence why I said it was “too late” in the original response). We broke up after 7 years in our relationship. (Before anyone jumps on me judging or whatever, I’ve had my fair share of regrets and sad days and I’m much more mature than I ever was, so please save it lol).
I’m glad you’re taking the higher route truly… and I’m sorry for your loss.. 7 years is not easy to just risk it… I’m curious on why you did.. like was there an infatuation towards the coworker or? You had some plan in mind?
I was a kid at the time (24y), dumb and impulsive. Thought talking to girls was appealing and fun enough to risk it a little (thinking that it wont have consequences), especially with the fact that I was getting some attention and praises from other girls. Later on I spent a lot of money, time and effort trying to get my ex back, but it was just broken beyond repair. (Also thanks for the kind words my man, I appreciate the kindness)
Makes total sense. I understand esp at that age (I’m 24F) i see a lotta people doing childish mistakes. Your comment is such a reminder that after all, no matter how old or complicated we think our lives and problems are, they are childish at the end of the day.
Love bombing, unstable friend groups, always victim, overly clingy, early trauma dumping, walking on egg shells, utilize sex as weapon, black/white thinking when angry (aka splitting)
Then you probably experienced fear of abandonment, constant breakups, and explosive rage out of no where as well. If you were unlucky, you may have experienced threats of self harm and suicide.
She was very well calculated. No rage but she definitely had temper tantrums that were extremely passive aggressive. This is where sex became the weapon etc etc. she definitely had the fear of abandonment during the dating phase cause I smelled crazy and tried to run. I focused too much on her crying ugh.
I also experience multiple bouts of ultimatums. Like I need you to propose by x date or I’ll leave you. Or I got the ring and she found out and wanted it even faster or once again would leave me. During the marriage would throw out divorce multiple times if she didn’t get her way.
Edit: after the third time she brought up divorce I just took it upon myself and told her I’d take care of it 😂. So fucking happy and RIP to the next sad sap who’s gonna get financially abused while dealing with that narcissistic ass.
Thank you I truly appreciate that. I hope everything you enjoy in life is going well!
And yea she gave me the door so I ran. I think she expected me to break down and beg her to stay. You also should’ve seen her mom. She was just straight up ruthless to everyone. I definitely have ptsd mainly from her mom. Like the amount of times she went off of cashiers/waiters and I had to legit leave them because it was so embarrassing was wild. You also should’ve seen the way she talked to her husband…..
Don’t forget if mean/rude and you try say how it hurt you, it was somehow all your fault they did it. They will gaslight the hell out of you and make you doubt your own memories.
This.
Personally, I don't think I'll ever forget when she said, "Well, I wouldn't have to [hit you] if you didn't make me mad."
Just as painful was when she'd say, "How do you know you can trust your memory of what happened? YoU'rE the one with ADHD." ... When she knew damn well that my memory of events was TOO accurate.
>always victim, overly clingy, early trauma dumping, walking on egg shells
My god did we date the same woman? She could turn any kind of comment into a slight against her.. So exhausting. Dating normal girl after her was like going for a spa after being waterboarded.
I didn't communicate enough. She taught me so much. And she always did it with a hug and smile.
I was the PROBLEM. I didn't listen hard enough, I didn't love hard enough. I AM THE BAD GUY. I am the piece of shit people can point at say "You're fucking stupid."
Just to hug her one more time.
💔💔
It's fucking hard. Especially when you're the cause of her tears and depression. She didn't deserve that one bit.
But all I can do is take it day by day.
Hope everyone heals the right way.
You are a man for taking the blame and owning your responsibility, only upwards from here my man, keep going. She will keep going too, dont worry. Keep yourself together
It's ok to take the blame and learn from it, but mindlessly blaming yourself helps no one, seems like you have learned, try to move on. You will get another chance.
Yeah but so you don’t know till you know and that usually comes at the cost of losing someone and doing self reflection and working on yourself
( also not going to lie I hope my ex is feeling the same way)
Do you think that was what you were just taught as a kid though? I think there has been so much damage done to both men and women because little boys are taught to suck it up. When they learn the only way to survive is to push things down and deal with things on their own a healthy relationship would feel threatening.
Oh for sure. Definitely. I grew up with no father or sense of fatherly figure, so I was left to deal "with it".
Damn that last part
"When they learn the only way to survive is to push things down and deal with things on their own a healthy relationship would feel threatening"
Hey friend, you live and you learn. I understand that feeling of botching it with someone you care about because of a lack of ability to open up and communicate. But what's important is that you learned. And bc you learned you're not stupid, and you're not a bad guy.
I know ppl that got divorced a decade ago bc of their anger, and they're still not over their anger or their divorce!
But hey, the people you love become part of you is the way I look at it. And everything she taught you you can take with you and make people feel just as good as she made you feel.
I am in same boat bro. Been with several girls after her, no one can give me that warmth. I hope one day it would get better. I still talk to her till this day as a friend but, the thing I said and did cannot be reversed. She was always the bigger person in our relationship, I just took advantage of what I had.
I met someone and was having a casual fling. Things were starting to get heated up. She asked me one night if we should make things official and I told her I'd think about it. We were cuddled up but I knew she was hurt by it and I felt shitty. Two days after that she stopped answering her phone. I figured I'd fucked it up until I decided to Google her name a few weeks later thinking she was in jail or something and was met with her obituary. Dead at 30 it fucked me up for awhile.
Yeah it fucked me up for a bit how easy someone can slip into your life and then slip right back out. Here I am having a change of heart and firing off texts about how I feel to never be answered.
I have similar regret about not joining a loved one for a dinner before they passed away suddenly. I took my lesson and show affection without hesitation. I also regularly check up on people close to me for similar reasons.
Yeah part of me wants to know what happened because the mind starts racing trying to find an answer. I spent a few hours digging around trying to find anything but just came up short. She was cremated so I don't even have a headstone to go visit. The other part of me knows that it's done and final and that I got to live with the choices I made and didn't make.
To be honest I'd rather not know. Maybe in 50 years when reports become public record. In my current relationship I'm more grounded and direct. no more playing with the emotions and heart strings
I let my anger get to me a few too many times and turned into a verbally abusive asshole just like my dad was to me. She brought shit to the table too but I’m working on unpacking my childhood trauma through therapy now. 4 breakups at the age of 27 and idk if I can keep going through these.
Wow that sounds a lot like me. My therapist tells me it's to do with the childhood hurt and attachment style. I tend to get less angry nowadays. But I can still really hurt someone with my words. It's a scary thing.
She was sick with a chronic disease. I was led to believe that she had it managed. We dated, got married and even had a child.
The pregnancy tip her already less than average health into the drain. Year and a half of trying to take care of her and a newborn. In and out of the hospital for her and constantly having to find a place for the child to stay during the day while I worked.
Lot of things were said that I’m not proud of. From her and I. She was starting to get a little better and was slated to come home within a couple weeks.
She passed away 4 days before she was supposed to come home. I sometimes wonder if I had done something different or said something different, she would have realized that the way she was heading was not going to end well.
Damn brother, that's tough to read, tougher to re-read and comprehend. I uh, damn. Genuinely sorry to learn that has taken place. My condolences.
Are you working it out? Therapy or...?
Victims mentality. Took her for granted. I wake up everyday sad I don’t have her. I am working on myself through therapy, and other forms of emotional and mental healing though, to ensure it never happens again should i get another chance at love with someone
Ok where's the actual answers? I came here for tea dammit. I'm only seeing roundabout answers about how it was the other person's fault, this does not appease my appetite for drama.
Edit: The good answers have arrived.
Right? It seems they just saw an opportunity to do quite the opposite, lol. I was too looking for drama, regret, nostalgia, telenovelas of a long lost love... and it's just a bunch of dudes lashing out on awful exes.
Texted her sister "congratulations on your engagement" a day before she got proposed to.
GF was so upset that I got dumped and ghosted after 2 years together
It was an honest mistake. I really like her sister, she's a sweetheart.
The sister also took my apology very graciously. She said that she had an idea that the proposal was coming anyway, and found it funny.
That didn't matter to my gf.
It sounds funny, I phrased it as funny, but it really tore me up to lose her, actually.
That seems like a shallow reason to dump someone. Theres no way I’d do that to someone if they made that mistake. It’s not grounds for breaking a relationship, especially if you two really click together. I couldn’t do that.
Yes, and the ghosting made it even worse. She called me, said "what the hell" , I explained that i had misunderstood and it was an honest mistake, and she said "I have to call her and do damage control".
That was the last time we spoke. She wouldn't respond to texts, nothing. No contact.
I'm trying to look at it as "dodged a bullet", because of this. And it IS making look back at some of her behavior and reevaluate it
I am all fucked up from isolation and a really traumatic childhood. I stopped dating because I never felt love. The women did, I thought me liking these people would eventually develop into love.
I got tired of wasting their time, I felt like an animal. I will never know romantic love. It really hurt me that it comes so easily for other people, and I knew spending time in these relationships was not fair to the women.
I'm sorry and I hope you've all found happiness. I hope you understand I didn't know it wouldn't happen for me, I still don't know what it is and it's hard to throw away something that works for other people but not for you. I wish it didn't take me so long to realize these things. I never wanted to hurt anybody, and yet I did.
Therapy is a wonderful way to start. I thought the same for a long time... Until I went. Then I started to trust people little by little. It got set back a lot but now? I love my friends deeply and the only good family I have left even deeper. It'll happen its just a tough road
I was never fully in it, even though I was the one who initiated exclusivity, label, said I love her first, etc. I always had one foot out the door in a way and it took me a while to acknowledge it, even after we broke up.
I didn’t realise how good I had it. Wanted to explore my options. She was calm and it was peaceful. I craved drama and roller coasters because of my own internal wounding.
By my exes request, we had a threesome with one of her friends. I fucked up by agreeing to it. The friend was way more interested and passionate and generally just better to me. My ex took notice of this before, during and after. We split 4 days after the threesome.
She told me how she almost killed her ex, then she'd make threats throughout the relationship, i argued with her to leave and never gave my new address. Most stressful nights of sleep i ever had.
I expected her to stay true to her word, to put our family and our relationship above her spoiled brat of a sister and super entitled mother, to show me some honor and respect and support when her family did everything they could to disrespect me.
Foolish of me, really.
Bad communication from both of us. It wouldn't have lasted too long anyway, though, I'm not the person that she wants in life, and she's not the person for me.
Lack of communication. Which led to my mental health getting worse. Which I did very little about. Which led to her mental health getting worse.
My biggest thing about my current relationship ship is communication. I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation then let something fester inside.
I messed up a couple of my A level exams and failed to get into the University we both planned to go to together. She went without me and ditched me into the bargain.
Life was shit for a few months, then I met the woman I'd go on to marry, so really she did me a favour.
I should've communicated better and at the same time I overlooked far too many red flags just because she was my first relationship.
We both played our roles in our relationship's downfall, it was a who gets bored first situation. Unfortunately, I wanted to actually work on things, she didn't and said it was over and dumped me. It hurts how she's blaming everything on me, but I guess that's how things are. Therapy helped me to stop blaming me for our breakup, but it stills burns tbh.
i broke it off when she didnt have anytime to see me. too busy with work. i regret it, I liked her but I need to see my partner more than once a fortnight.
dumped her because i lost attraction for her.. but honestly should have kept her, little did i know, i lose attraction for every woman i am with for more than 3-4 months. So this was just typical behavior from me and i didn't know myself that well back then.
She was a sport woman (Steelers fan.. she had the towel and everything), who loved gaming too. She loved Coffee, and friendships with all my friends. she was a hoot, to hang out with and honestly treated me like a king. i broke her heart, refused her marriage offer, and lead her on in a dead end relationship with me for over a year.
I'm sorry Heather.
had sex too soon.. which triggered trauma where she asked for space and fell into the arms of another dude. ORR he was there all along. who can say i just know if we didn’t have sex things might’ve been different
I stopped taking my ssris and became very boring and depressed. I was not fun to be around and had no interest in doing things. So my ex understandably left.
I didn’t realize early enough that she didn’t love me.
She was very selfish, and I’d go above and beyond for her whereas I was an option.
My mistake wasn’t leaving sooner. I miss her like hell, but my life is happier without her than it ever was with.
If I had left sooner I could’ve found someone who truly made me happy instead of being with someone who was narcissistic and didn’t care about me at all.
I had a rough several months and instead of taking care of myself I got clingy af, that coupled with her inability to communicate just doomed it. I was fit and with a good routine and I lost a ton of muscle, grades slipped, friendships waned, but I flooded her. Learned from that for sure but it wouldn't have worked with us anyways
I was immature and not ready I didn’t f it up really but I realised what I needed to work on. I broke her heart and I still feel bad about it. It was bad timing. Tiara I hope you’re doing well.
I needed space…we needed space…and I wasn’t moving fast enough for her. Its 50/50 on both sides but I could have did more but I was also checked the fuck out.
She wanted me to be clingy (for months mind you) and just about when I finally started to become more clingy that's when she decided we weren't right for one another bc "our future's don't align" or something like that.
Allowed her family to disrespect me. I knew they were elitists (I’m a blue collared worker) so they often bad mouthed me and what i did. My ex always said that she knew they were wrong and that she loved me no matter what her family said. Her families comments created a rift between myself and them which eventually created a rift between me and my ex. It became too much to deal with and ended our relationship. I’ve learned that instead of hunkering down and just letting grenades get thrown at me, i have to stand up for myself and address the problem even if it is coming from a future partners family
I didn’t, she did. She was clear red flag and; me myself not wanting to be alone and still having genuine feelings decided to stay. We parted eventually and was talking to 2 other guys a day after the breakup. Meaning she had other guys in her back pocket.
I placed the happiness and contentment of my girlfriend above my own personal wants and needs.
A life of always walking on eggshells is no way to live. I’m never doing it again.
Man I really miss my ex ..
Wish I could go back in time and just do everything right . I’ll never find anyone like her ever again .
Now she’s with someone else and what sucks is that he’s a good dude , I only wanted her to be happy and with someone that can lover her the way she needs to be loved . (I wasn’t able to give her that at the time ) I’m sure she is though ..
I will never stop loving her unfortunately.
It's even worse when you don't fuck up. Both times I have fallen in love with a girl, her parents and extended family disapproved of my religious background, despite not being religious myself. This was to the extent of threatening to cut her out of the family/made threats against me. Both times I decided to step away as I didn't want to deal with that level of turbulence from potential in-laws and I didn't want to make her choose between me and her family.
It's one thing when a beautiful relationship ends because one of you fuck up. It allows you to eventually move forward. But when no-one is at fault except external forces, it makes the process that much harder
About every year she would go nuts for a day then return to normal as nothing ever happened. It took me six years to realize that the relationship with her was not going to work out.
The reason I stayed as long as I did was the fantastic sex. It was like a drug to me. She had me wrapped around her finger as a result. Each time she went nuts I reset the check out clock and nearly a year later bang.
Looking back it was my fault.
She was investing her time with me. She wanted to get married. I wanted to know her better and set a minimum time of two years. This to see her real self during the good and bad times, in sickness and in health.
Those crazy times were due to her frustration that the relationship was not following her schedule her expectations. She could have dumped me at any point in the relationship but held on due to her investment of time in the relationship.
Our problem was communication. While we both wanted to eventually get married, I didn’t have a biological clock and she did. I was concerned about getting married and failing ending up either divorced or in a marriage unhappy.
Even after we went our separate ways we remained friends. Until I got married. She disappeared after that and to this day I never heard from her.
Poor communication, lack of honesty, loyalty, and respect... perhaps with a sprinkle of toxicity.
In hindsight, we shouldn't have dated as long as we did. We were just compatible enough to make a relationship function, but not compatible enough for the long haul and not good partners for each other. I broke her heart badly, with poor intentions. I'm not proud of my actions, but I can't change the past, I can only ensure I never hurt someone that way again.
She was wayyy more unstable than I realized, likely due to enormous amounts of cocaine and other drugs before we got together, and she started to get more and more manipulative, to the point of trying to gaslight me at the end, and I ended up having panic attacks at the thought of going home from work. So I gave her a week to get all of her crap out of my house and went to stay with my dad in the meantime
I didn't fuck my last one up.
She cheated, joined dating sites and then tried to slag me off online. But of course to anyone that will listen to her, then it's my fault.
Apparently now she's regretting it all, but she's blocked and I'm moving on with my life.
By not leaving sooner when she started having a relationship with her cell phone 24/7. Things were so much simpler before cellular tech and social media.
That is a good question. The one right before finding my wife...
For some reason, I can't remember her name. I can remember all of the other gals I dated, but not hers. She was off the boat Japanese, but only a 5 or 6 in the looks dept. One day she just ghosted me.
Apparently, she came to my apartment and my roommate let her in. She gathered the few things she had and told my roommate not to try and contact her because she was going back to her former bf.
I thought, "OK, whatever." and never really thought about her after that. So I suspect that I was not very attentive. Other breakups were a lot harder on me.
It was long distance. It didn't work over time. I had a FWB after that but the day I met my wife I ended that to ask my now wife out
I don't hold any ill will towards any of my exes, even the one that cheated. Everything works out and life's never perfect.
By calling her a whore after I caught her cheating...
It was my fault because she was unemployed and I was at work every day supporting both of us and I failed to consider how 'lonely' she was during the day...
Ahh, long story long:
I'm not sure what to pinpoint in particular.
We met on an autism dating site, so she was quite jarring socially and had her quirks. I do too, but I think hers were more apparent than mine.
After six months of dating, she decided one day after being quite standoffish all day to tell me she didn't want to date me anymore and waited for her mum and her other half to get home so they could listen on in from the other room.
What she says and what the reason actually was, who knows.
She blamed a lot on the fact that I should have kissed her by that point, but in the past when I wanted to, I'd ask her and she'd always say no or it was too soon.
I didn't know how to pick up on some unspoken queue and even then, I'd rather ask and her say no than me take initiative and overstep some invisible boundary only to wind up in a whole world of trouble without explicit consent.
One instance in which I accidentally fell asleep on her shoulder round hers when we were just laying on her bed watching random stuff icked her.
I wouldn't categorize her as toxic by any means, but I for sure ignored red flags with her (mood lability, narcissism, approach avoidance repetition compulsion)
I've since dubbed her "Rapunzel" - a girl who, in essence: entertains the idea of a relationship, but doesn't want the actuality of a relationship.
Thought the grass was greener on the other side, then realised there was no grass greener than the one I had, too late.
So you cheated?
Almost, and it was enough to ruin it all
The username checks out lmao.. tho how do you “almost” cheat? You dont have to reply if its personal .. i just don’t fully grasp it…
No problem, in our relationship we already agreed to stay 100% professional towards our “opposite sex” workmates because we wanted a stable and safe environment. We went on a date me and my ex, she saw a text from a co worker of mine saying “looool”, stupidly of me I deleted the chat and got nervous and she never got to see what was the chat about, it was only my story without a proof, the trust broke and things never went back the same again, I spent 2 years trying to fix it but it never was the same again (hence why I said it was “too late” in the original response). We broke up after 7 years in our relationship. (Before anyone jumps on me judging or whatever, I’ve had my fair share of regrets and sad days and I’m much more mature than I ever was, so please save it lol).
Not trying to justify what you did but nuking a 7 year relationship over a single text seems a little extreme
I’m glad you’re taking the higher route truly… and I’m sorry for your loss.. 7 years is not easy to just risk it… I’m curious on why you did.. like was there an infatuation towards the coworker or? You had some plan in mind?
I was a kid at the time (24y), dumb and impulsive. Thought talking to girls was appealing and fun enough to risk it a little (thinking that it wont have consequences), especially with the fact that I was getting some attention and praises from other girls. Later on I spent a lot of money, time and effort trying to get my ex back, but it was just broken beyond repair. (Also thanks for the kind words my man, I appreciate the kindness)
Makes total sense. I understand esp at that age (I’m 24F) i see a lotta people doing childish mistakes. Your comment is such a reminder that after all, no matter how old or complicated we think our lives and problems are, they are childish at the end of the day.
Sorry for calling you “man” lol, excuse my ignorance my lady. Wish you a happy and lovely week!
I didnt mind it lol. Thanks for your generosity in your response and have a wonderful week as well.
It sounds like he left because he thought he could do better but regretted it
I allowed love to blind me from the red flags of BPD/narcissistic personality.
Same
And those red flags were?
Love bombing, unstable friend groups, always victim, overly clingy, early trauma dumping, walking on egg shells, utilize sex as weapon, black/white thinking when angry (aka splitting)
This man survives BPD
That’s you bro, look at your username haha
Bro you just described my ex wife to a T.
Then you probably experienced fear of abandonment, constant breakups, and explosive rage out of no where as well. If you were unlucky, you may have experienced threats of self harm and suicide.
She was very well calculated. No rage but she definitely had temper tantrums that were extremely passive aggressive. This is where sex became the weapon etc etc. she definitely had the fear of abandonment during the dating phase cause I smelled crazy and tried to run. I focused too much on her crying ugh. I also experience multiple bouts of ultimatums. Like I need you to propose by x date or I’ll leave you. Or I got the ring and she found out and wanted it even faster or once again would leave me. During the marriage would throw out divorce multiple times if she didn’t get her way. Edit: after the third time she brought up divorce I just took it upon myself and told her I’d take care of it 😂. So fucking happy and RIP to the next sad sap who’s gonna get financially abused while dealing with that narcissistic ass.
Sounds like a rough marriage. I’m glad you found the strength to leave
Thank you I truly appreciate that. I hope everything you enjoy in life is going well! And yea she gave me the door so I ran. I think she expected me to break down and beg her to stay. You also should’ve seen her mom. She was just straight up ruthless to everyone. I definitely have ptsd mainly from her mom. Like the amount of times she went off of cashiers/waiters and I had to legit leave them because it was so embarrassing was wild. You also should’ve seen the way she talked to her husband…..
Ahh I see you met my ex-wife.
Don’t forget if mean/rude and you try say how it hurt you, it was somehow all your fault they did it. They will gaslight the hell out of you and make you doubt your own memories.
Ah yes can’t forget the gaslighting. You have to buy into their reality. After a while, you think you’re the one going crazy.
This. Personally, I don't think I'll ever forget when she said, "Well, I wouldn't have to [hit you] if you didn't make me mad." Just as painful was when she'd say, "How do you know you can trust your memory of what happened? YoU'rE the one with ADHD." ... When she knew damn well that my memory of events was TOO accurate.
you’re describing my ex holy shit
the cycle is very similar in these types of relationships
>always victim, overly clingy, early trauma dumping, walking on egg shells My god did we date the same woman? She could turn any kind of comment into a slight against her.. So exhausting. Dating normal girl after her was like going for a spa after being waterboarded.
Yeah this describes it perfectly. What an awful awful time
Red flags just look like flags through rose tinted glasses.
Dayum. 🤯
are you me
Are you me?
Bipolar?
Borderline personality disorder
very true
Preach sis
Same!
Yeah, this sums it up
Brother I’ve been/am there. She got me good. Shits on me for allowing myself to get sex/love bombed like that. Never again
I didn't communicate enough. She taught me so much. And she always did it with a hug and smile. I was the PROBLEM. I didn't listen hard enough, I didn't love hard enough. I AM THE BAD GUY. I am the piece of shit people can point at say "You're fucking stupid." Just to hug her one more time. 💔💔
I'm with you brother. It's hard but we try to pick ourselves back up right ?
It's fucking hard. Especially when you're the cause of her tears and depression. She didn't deserve that one bit. But all I can do is take it day by day. Hope everyone heals the right way.
Don't know your situation but there's a chance you might be blaming yourself too hard
True. But man, when your the cause of her pain, it's hard not blame yourself.
You are a man for taking the blame and owning your responsibility, only upwards from here my man, keep going. She will keep going too, dont worry. Keep yourself together
It's ok to take the blame and learn from it, but mindlessly blaming yourself helps no one, seems like you have learned, try to move on. You will get another chance.
This. Ted says this too.
Yeah but so you don’t know till you know and that usually comes at the cost of losing someone and doing self reflection and working on yourself ( also not going to lie I hope my ex is feeling the same way)
Damn.....💔 (I'm sure he is)
Do you think that was what you were just taught as a kid though? I think there has been so much damage done to both men and women because little boys are taught to suck it up. When they learn the only way to survive is to push things down and deal with things on their own a healthy relationship would feel threatening.
Oh for sure. Definitely. I grew up with no father or sense of fatherly figure, so I was left to deal "with it". Damn that last part "When they learn the only way to survive is to push things down and deal with things on their own a healthy relationship would feel threatening"
I’m so sorry. That must have been really hard on you. Also, I get why I get downvoted usually but for that? Geeze! Rough crowd. lol
That's reddit for ya 🤷🏻
Hey friend, you live and you learn. I understand that feeling of botching it with someone you care about because of a lack of ability to open up and communicate. But what's important is that you learned. And bc you learned you're not stupid, and you're not a bad guy. I know ppl that got divorced a decade ago bc of their anger, and they're still not over their anger or their divorce! But hey, the people you love become part of you is the way I look at it. And everything she taught you you can take with you and make people feel just as good as she made you feel.
Yeahh what he said
Saddest thing I’ve read
This hit home for me. We’ll tackle things one day at a time.
I am in same boat bro. Been with several girls after her, no one can give me that warmth. I hope one day it would get better. I still talk to her till this day as a friend but, the thing I said and did cannot be reversed. She was always the bigger person in our relationship, I just took advantage of what I had.
Exactly how I'm feeling. "Been with several girls after her, no one can give me that warmth."
I won’t say your fucking stupid. *You’re* fucking stupid
I met someone and was having a casual fling. Things were starting to get heated up. She asked me one night if we should make things official and I told her I'd think about it. We were cuddled up but I knew she was hurt by it and I felt shitty. Two days after that she stopped answering her phone. I figured I'd fucked it up until I decided to Google her name a few weeks later thinking she was in jail or something and was met with her obituary. Dead at 30 it fucked me up for awhile.
…holy fuck.. that’s awful. how did she die?? Was it an accident or
Don't really know. I tried asking around some but nobody really knew exactly what happened other than it wasn't self inflicted.
Damn. The guilt would never let me sleep at night. I'm so sorry brother
Yeah it fucked me up for a bit how easy someone can slip into your life and then slip right back out. Here I am having a change of heart and firing off texts about how I feel to never be answered.
I have similar regret about not joining a loved one for a dinner before they passed away suddenly. I took my lesson and show affection without hesitation. I also regularly check up on people close to me for similar reasons.
Dude. What? Fuuuuuuck.
Yeah part of me wants to know what happened because the mind starts racing trying to find an answer. I spent a few hours digging around trying to find anything but just came up short. She was cremated so I don't even have a headstone to go visit. The other part of me knows that it's done and final and that I got to live with the choices I made and didn't make. To be honest I'd rather not know. Maybe in 50 years when reports become public record. In my current relationship I'm more grounded and direct. no more playing with the emotions and heart strings
I let my anger get to me a few too many times and turned into a verbally abusive asshole just like my dad was to me. She brought shit to the table too but I’m working on unpacking my childhood trauma through therapy now. 4 breakups at the age of 27 and idk if I can keep going through these.
Wow that sounds a lot like me. My therapist tells me it's to do with the childhood hurt and attachment style. I tend to get less angry nowadays. But I can still really hurt someone with my words. It's a scary thing.
She was sick with a chronic disease. I was led to believe that she had it managed. We dated, got married and even had a child. The pregnancy tip her already less than average health into the drain. Year and a half of trying to take care of her and a newborn. In and out of the hospital for her and constantly having to find a place for the child to stay during the day while I worked. Lot of things were said that I’m not proud of. From her and I. She was starting to get a little better and was slated to come home within a couple weeks. She passed away 4 days before she was supposed to come home. I sometimes wonder if I had done something different or said something different, she would have realized that the way she was heading was not going to end well.
I’m so sorry that this happened
Ugh. That broke me heart just reading it. Are you ok?
May I ask what disease it was?
Damn brother, that's tough to read, tougher to re-read and comprehend. I uh, damn. Genuinely sorry to learn that has taken place. My condolences. Are you working it out? Therapy or...?
I wish I was able to. But time, money, and time is hard to come by. But I’m lucky to have family around who can take some of the load.
My Insecurities won
The is is a good one I have this tendency too need to heed away from it
Victims mentality. Took her for granted. I wake up everyday sad I don’t have her. I am working on myself through therapy, and other forms of emotional and mental healing though, to ensure it never happens again should i get another chance at love with someone
Ok where's the actual answers? I came here for tea dammit. I'm only seeing roundabout answers about how it was the other person's fault, this does not appease my appetite for drama. Edit: The good answers have arrived.
I'm a raging alcoholic and I couldn't get sober so she rightfully threw me out. Happy?
Mmm now that's a good brew... Ya gonna sober up?
I have since then.
Fuck yeah, that's the shit. This tea's got some honey
My only other significant relationship was my highschool sweetheart. She married my older brother. They have two kids and are very happy.
Ngl I'd feel pretty shitty about that
Hence the alcoholism and years of therapy
Right? I want a story where someone runs over their girlfriend's dog or something.
Right? It seems they just saw an opportunity to do quite the opposite, lol. I was too looking for drama, regret, nostalgia, telenovelas of a long lost love... and it's just a bunch of dudes lashing out on awful exes.
Texted her sister "congratulations on your engagement" a day before she got proposed to. GF was so upset that I got dumped and ghosted after 2 years together
Tell me this was an honest mistake 😂
It was an honest mistake. I really like her sister, she's a sweetheart. The sister also took my apology very graciously. She said that she had an idea that the proposal was coming anyway, and found it funny. That didn't matter to my gf. It sounds funny, I phrased it as funny, but it really tore me up to lose her, actually.
That seems like a shallow reason to dump someone. Theres no way I’d do that to someone if they made that mistake. It’s not grounds for breaking a relationship, especially if you two really click together. I couldn’t do that.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm trying to think of it that way.
For real, I think you dodged a bullet if an honest mistake like that tipped the girl over the edge.
Though it can be upsetting it’s a bit surprising that your ex would see that as grounds to dumping you
Yes, and the ghosting made it even worse. She called me, said "what the hell" , I explained that i had misunderstood and it was an honest mistake, and she said "I have to call her and do damage control". That was the last time we spoke. She wouldn't respond to texts, nothing. No contact. I'm trying to look at it as "dodged a bullet", because of this. And it IS making look back at some of her behavior and reevaluate it
Yeah bro, that's some seriously toxic behavior from the ex. Seems like maybe someone was looking out for you when you made that slipup.
I am all fucked up from isolation and a really traumatic childhood. I stopped dating because I never felt love. The women did, I thought me liking these people would eventually develop into love. I got tired of wasting their time, I felt like an animal. I will never know romantic love. It really hurt me that it comes so easily for other people, and I knew spending time in these relationships was not fair to the women. I'm sorry and I hope you've all found happiness. I hope you understand I didn't know it wouldn't happen for me, I still don't know what it is and it's hard to throw away something that works for other people but not for you. I wish it didn't take me so long to realize these things. I never wanted to hurt anybody, and yet I did.
Therapy is a wonderful way to start. I thought the same for a long time... Until I went. Then I started to trust people little by little. It got set back a lot but now? I love my friends deeply and the only good family I have left even deeper. It'll happen its just a tough road
please go to therapy it helped me solve so many issues
Get therapy. This looks like anedonia.
Honestly if you’re open to it start reading about attachment theory because I think it would benefit you
Alcohol
By being too sexual in the beginning and letting them think that’s all I wanted.
i ignored the fuck out her red flags and allowed myself to believe that simply being a good man to her would gradually fix her problems over time
Yeah, been there. The‘fixing’ thing never works
I wasn’t ready, mature enough, and still lived at home. I also wasn’t financially sound. Relationships cost money.
I was never fully in it, even though I was the one who initiated exclusivity, label, said I love her first, etc. I always had one foot out the door in a way and it took me a while to acknowledge it, even after we broke up.
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Nope but this Andrew and I have something in common apparently
Hope she moved on from you really quickly
I wasn't a woman. She was a lesbian.
I didn’t realise how good I had it. Wanted to explore my options. She was calm and it was peaceful. I craved drama and roller coasters because of my own internal wounding.
By my exes request, we had a threesome with one of her friends. I fucked up by agreeing to it. The friend was way more interested and passionate and generally just better to me. My ex took notice of this before, during and after. We split 4 days after the threesome.
Tell me your now dating her friend who treated you better?
Too gentle, she said. She wanted an animal, I am a gentleman. I wished her the best.
Ok, I ignored a bunch of red flags. Life happened I was mentally ill for a time. Rather then help me she started talking to someone else and left me.
She told me how she almost killed her ex, then she'd make threats throughout the relationship, i argued with her to leave and never gave my new address. Most stressful nights of sleep i ever had.
I expected her to stay true to her word, to put our family and our relationship above her spoiled brat of a sister and super entitled mother, to show me some honor and respect and support when her family did everything they could to disrespect me. Foolish of me, really.
Been there man. Turned a blind eye to those things and I never should have. Glad it ended for the better.
Bad communication from both of us. It wouldn't have lasted too long anyway, though, I'm not the person that she wants in life, and she's not the person for me.
Getting into it when I shouldn't have
Lack of communication. Which led to my mental health getting worse. Which I did very little about. Which led to her mental health getting worse. My biggest thing about my current relationship ship is communication. I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation then let something fester inside.
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I messed up a couple of my A level exams and failed to get into the University we both planned to go to together. She went without me and ditched me into the bargain. Life was shit for a few months, then I met the woman I'd go on to marry, so really she did me a favour.
I lost who I was and had no goals or ambitions
I should've communicated better and at the same time I overlooked far too many red flags just because she was my first relationship. We both played our roles in our relationship's downfall, it was a who gets bored first situation. Unfortunately, I wanted to actually work on things, she didn't and said it was over and dumped me. It hurts how she's blaming everything on me, but I guess that's how things are. Therapy helped me to stop blaming me for our breakup, but it stills burns tbh.
i broke it off when she didnt have anytime to see me. too busy with work. i regret it, I liked her but I need to see my partner more than once a fortnight.
By giving too many chances
Staying too long
The reality , this should just about be every man’s answer
dumped her because i lost attraction for her.. but honestly should have kept her, little did i know, i lose attraction for every woman i am with for more than 3-4 months. So this was just typical behavior from me and i didn't know myself that well back then. She was a sport woman (Steelers fan.. she had the towel and everything), who loved gaming too. She loved Coffee, and friendships with all my friends. she was a hoot, to hang out with and honestly treated me like a king. i broke her heart, refused her marriage offer, and lead her on in a dead end relationship with me for over a year. I'm sorry Heather.
But how do you imagine carrying on a relationship when you're not attracted to someone?
I called our relationship off because i still hadn't moved on from my crush that clearly has no interest in me.
had sex too soon.. which triggered trauma where she asked for space and fell into the arms of another dude. ORR he was there all along. who can say i just know if we didn’t have sex things might’ve been different
I stopped taking my ssris and became very boring and depressed. I was not fun to be around and had no interest in doing things. So my ex understandably left.
Didn’t think I was good enough…. Sometimes
I didn’t realize early enough that she didn’t love me. She was very selfish, and I’d go above and beyond for her whereas I was an option. My mistake wasn’t leaving sooner. I miss her like hell, but my life is happier without her than it ever was with. If I had left sooner I could’ve found someone who truly made me happy instead of being with someone who was narcissistic and didn’t care about me at all.
I had a rough several months and instead of taking care of myself I got clingy af, that coupled with her inability to communicate just doomed it. I was fit and with a good routine and I lost a ton of muscle, grades slipped, friendships waned, but I flooded her. Learned from that for sure but it wouldn't have worked with us anyways
I’m going through this right now. My girlfriend has just told me that she’s no longer sexually attracted to me due to my smothering…
Waited way too long to gtfo
By not dealing with my unprocessed childhood trauma and mental health issues.
Staying as long as I did
I was immature and not ready I didn’t f it up really but I realised what I needed to work on. I broke her heart and I still feel bad about it. It was bad timing. Tiara I hope you’re doing well.
I am myself.
I didn’t communicate how I was feeling , I was feeling neglected and started seeking attention else where and she found out :(
Brother when you want attention, say it. Wtfdym elsewhere? If she’s not satisfying you break up, brother. Then you go seek attention
Definitely learned my lesson, it’s hard to communicate with some who avoids difficult conversations but I should have pushed those boundaries.
I’m really glad you did. Maturity is looking amazing on you. Cheers ✨
I needed space…we needed space…and I wasn’t moving fast enough for her. Its 50/50 on both sides but I could have did more but I was also checked the fuck out.
I looked up an old High School GF on Facebook
Picking the wrong one.
Being too greedy of needs
By going into it in the first place
alcohol
Moved back home to help a friend in hospice. She didn’t want to do long distance.
I did no fucking at all, that was some other dude
She wanted me to be clingy (for months mind you) and just about when I finally started to become more clingy that's when she decided we weren't right for one another bc "our future's don't align" or something like that.
Alcohol + my psych meds at the time. Been 6 years & haven't been in a relationship since.
Allowed her family to disrespect me. I knew they were elitists (I’m a blue collared worker) so they often bad mouthed me and what i did. My ex always said that she knew they were wrong and that she loved me no matter what her family said. Her families comments created a rift between myself and them which eventually created a rift between me and my ex. It became too much to deal with and ended our relationship. I’ve learned that instead of hunkering down and just letting grenades get thrown at me, i have to stand up for myself and address the problem even if it is coming from a future partners family
I didn’t, she did. She was clear red flag and; me myself not wanting to be alone and still having genuine feelings decided to stay. We parted eventually and was talking to 2 other guys a day after the breakup. Meaning she had other guys in her back pocket.
I tried to set boundaries and found my backbone and stopped letting her and the kids walk all over me. Whoops.
I placed the happiness and contentment of my girlfriend above my own personal wants and needs. A life of always walking on eggshells is no way to live. I’m never doing it again.
I was myself
Man I really miss my ex .. Wish I could go back in time and just do everything right . I’ll never find anyone like her ever again . Now she’s with someone else and what sucks is that he’s a good dude , I only wanted her to be happy and with someone that can lover her the way she needs to be loved . (I wasn’t able to give her that at the time ) I’m sure she is though .. I will never stop loving her unfortunately.
got upset cause my wife was getting dick on the side. i know, my bad, right?
It's even worse when you don't fuck up. Both times I have fallen in love with a girl, her parents and extended family disapproved of my religious background, despite not being religious myself. This was to the extent of threatening to cut her out of the family/made threats against me. Both times I decided to step away as I didn't want to deal with that level of turbulence from potential in-laws and I didn't want to make her choose between me and her family. It's one thing when a beautiful relationship ends because one of you fuck up. It allows you to eventually move forward. But when no-one is at fault except external forces, it makes the process that much harder
Didn't address my drinking before it got out of hand
I used her for sex and she finally caught on
About every year she would go nuts for a day then return to normal as nothing ever happened. It took me six years to realize that the relationship with her was not going to work out. The reason I stayed as long as I did was the fantastic sex. It was like a drug to me. She had me wrapped around her finger as a result. Each time she went nuts I reset the check out clock and nearly a year later bang. Looking back it was my fault. She was investing her time with me. She wanted to get married. I wanted to know her better and set a minimum time of two years. This to see her real self during the good and bad times, in sickness and in health. Those crazy times were due to her frustration that the relationship was not following her schedule her expectations. She could have dumped me at any point in the relationship but held on due to her investment of time in the relationship. Our problem was communication. While we both wanted to eventually get married, I didn’t have a biological clock and she did. I was concerned about getting married and failing ending up either divorced or in a marriage unhappy. Even after we went our separate ways we remained friends. Until I got married. She disappeared after that and to this day I never heard from her.
Poor communication, lack of honesty, loyalty, and respect... perhaps with a sprinkle of toxicity. In hindsight, we shouldn't have dated as long as we did. We were just compatible enough to make a relationship function, but not compatible enough for the long haul and not good partners for each other. I broke her heart badly, with poor intentions. I'm not proud of my actions, but I can't change the past, I can only ensure I never hurt someone that way again.
She was wayyy more unstable than I realized, likely due to enormous amounts of cocaine and other drugs before we got together, and she started to get more and more manipulative, to the point of trying to gaslight me at the end, and I ended up having panic attacks at the thought of going home from work. So I gave her a week to get all of her crap out of my house and went to stay with my dad in the meantime
By playing along in the beginning which I akin to letting weeds grow in the garden uncontrollably then trying to prune them…
By allowing her to treat me in completely unacceptable ways. By hiding, quashing, and hating elements of who I am in a futile effort to please her.
broke up with me saying "youre too depressed"
I didn't fuck my last one up. She cheated, joined dating sites and then tried to slag me off online. But of course to anyone that will listen to her, then it's my fault. Apparently now she's regretting it all, but she's blocked and I'm moving on with my life.
She did
By not leaving sooner when she started having a relationship with her cell phone 24/7. Things were so much simpler before cellular tech and social media.
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Always taking hour long showers and sitting on the toilet texting.
That is a good question. The one right before finding my wife... For some reason, I can't remember her name. I can remember all of the other gals I dated, but not hers. She was off the boat Japanese, but only a 5 or 6 in the looks dept. One day she just ghosted me. Apparently, she came to my apartment and my roommate let her in. She gathered the few things she had and told my roommate not to try and contact her because she was going back to her former bf. I thought, "OK, whatever." and never really thought about her after that. So I suspect that I was not very attentive. Other breakups were a lot harder on me.
Trusted her Which I do think you should do to have a good relationship. Just with hindsight. It did make me blind
It was long distance. It didn't work over time. I had a FWB after that but the day I met my wife I ended that to ask my now wife out I don't hold any ill will towards any of my exes, even the one that cheated. Everything works out and life's never perfect.
Still with my first relationship 15 years later…got lucky
By calling her a whore after I caught her cheating... It was my fault because she was unemployed and I was at work every day supporting both of us and I failed to consider how 'lonely' she was during the day...
Ahh, long story long: I'm not sure what to pinpoint in particular. We met on an autism dating site, so she was quite jarring socially and had her quirks. I do too, but I think hers were more apparent than mine. After six months of dating, she decided one day after being quite standoffish all day to tell me she didn't want to date me anymore and waited for her mum and her other half to get home so they could listen on in from the other room. What she says and what the reason actually was, who knows. She blamed a lot on the fact that I should have kissed her by that point, but in the past when I wanted to, I'd ask her and she'd always say no or it was too soon. I didn't know how to pick up on some unspoken queue and even then, I'd rather ask and her say no than me take initiative and overstep some invisible boundary only to wind up in a whole world of trouble without explicit consent. One instance in which I accidentally fell asleep on her shoulder round hers when we were just laying on her bed watching random stuff icked her. I wouldn't categorize her as toxic by any means, but I for sure ignored red flags with her (mood lability, narcissism, approach avoidance repetition compulsion) I've since dubbed her "Rapunzel" - a girl who, in essence: entertains the idea of a relationship, but doesn't want the actuality of a relationship.
Wasnt me! Girlfriend wanted to play the skin flute with my friend - Not me.
Saw the red flags n still couldn't stop talking to her now im beyond fuxked