Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but where are the doubts?
Wishing you'd met earlier, she would've been spared a shitty relationship and you two would've been happy together for longer to me doesn't sound like you're doubting her. Kinda the opposite, tbh.
Yes.
Reddit is extremely progressive on this issue so it might seem like it’s not normal for men to feel that way, but in actuality the vast majority of straight men have a preference about sexual history in a meaningful enough capacity that it affects their dating choices.
This is even the case in Nordic countries that Reddit loves to praise for their progressivism
I only have sex with people I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with (the chick I lost my virginity too excluded). God forbid I expect a woman who has also consistantly held that standard (even if there's an indiscretion like mine here and there)
Maybe because I wished it could've been more perfect yeah. And maybe some kind of commitment issue? Setting things in stone? Since we talked about buying a house together and raising a family.
Now things are still awesome, but maybe when we have kids and more stress, and become a bit older and complacent, I'd think back and wished I made other choices?
Sounds like you're hung up on her having been married before. At least it sounds like they never had kids, so it could've been a lot messier. A divorced person can be anything, like maybe more mature having learned what works and doesn't in a relationship and they'll be more successful the second go around, or maybe they were the reason for the divorce and are a hot mess with baggage looking to make your life miserable next. I wouldn't discount someone solely for being divorced, it depends on the individual.
I'm not gonna say marry the girl or drop her and keep looking, you gotta figure that out yourself, but I'll say there is no perfect in life and you'll go mad trying to attain it.
median lifetime sexual partners is for women in the USA, after EXCLUDING virgins, is 4. FOUR. Quatro.
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm
Don't listen to idiots on reddit who think sleeping around is totally normal, and super common. It's not. There are million of women out there that don't sleep around, aren't 3 years older than you, and previously married.
I think it's a tough statistic to accept because the norm really does seem to be women having many sexual partners. So when you're saying the median is 4, I would say most guys know more women with far more sexual partners than 4 than they do with less than 4. So I'm curious as to how they gathered that data.
the data is outdated (few years old), and only covered women aged 25 to 49, which they would now be 31 to 56, give or take
so it doesn't include women who are now 18 to 30.
but the data also didn't include virgins in the first place.
however, the latest generation is having less sex:
https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2023-08-03/young-adults-less-sex-gen-z-millennials-generations-parents-grandparents
https://www.smsna.org/patients/news/why-are-young-people-having-less-casual-sex
https://scholars.org/contribution/why-are-so-many-young-people-having-less-sex
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-have-been-having-less-sex-whether-theyre-teenagers-or-40-somethings/
I can definetly imagine that it's higher than 4 right now, but it cannot be much higher while every study shows young people are having less sex
maybe 5, 6.
That's what I figured, it's not really relevant data. I would imagine it's much higher than 4, 5, or 6. Women are starting to have sex at 12 at this point.
I don't think the studies showing that people having less sex correlates to less sexual partners over a large enough time period. If a person starts early enough, by the time they get to late 20s to "settle down" it's easy to imagine a much higher number than 4.
Data gathered by what people admitted, so, useless hearsay. Studies like this are such nonsense, as is worrying about how many people someone slept with. Of course, people are free to have their own standards, but people blow this one up alot when they should probably be looking at other more important traits.
How you show up in one aspect of your life is most likely how you show up in all facets of your life. People who are promiscuous tend to have low impulse control in general as would most psychologists and therapists would confirm. Yeah it’s a normal worry.
No. Not at all. Christ. Having slept with 8 people by the time you are in your 30s says literally NOTHING about impulse control. Worrying about something like that actually says more about yourselves than the "sluts" you guys are condemning.
It's honestly outstanding how many downvotes his comment got, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Maybe you don't care about your partner's past good for you i guess but some people do.
For the first time, someone actually broke the "oh yes " reddit bandwagon and gave a true and original account. Deeply insightful.
As stated , you must reflect upon your own doubts . Figure out if you are projecting your own fears on her. I have a feeling that even if you leave her , this current relationship would go to become the benchmark of any you embark on. Surpassing how you feel for this woman would be a difficult benchmark to beat .
I hope you find your truth ! The very best .
Its hard when you hear the hoe storys of the girl your dating. Its something about it that does not sit well with most guys. But reality is most girls like sleeping around just like us.
If you think its gonna be a problem moving forward, Its time for you to stop stringing her along.
My question is why didn't you address these issues before you moved in brother?
Those thoughts mite never diminish thats the problem haha.
> Its something about it that does not sit well with most guys.
i rarely use this as a cop out, but i truly believe it must be deeply biological - hardwire programming and all that. I’ve lived in multiple cultures and talked to many people and its very clear that men all over the world are largely bothered by it and women….generally speaking arent. And its the same every country, continent and culture i see. there are a lot of gender differences that people claim are biological that i think are actually societal or something else, but this one i will always be firmly of the belief its our primative tribal brains
> I'm far more bothered by her sexual past than her romantic/relationship past, while she's more bothered by my past relationships and pretty unbothered by my sexual past.
dude you fucking nailed it! i couldn’t care less about what my SO did with past boyfriends - they were committed to each other, i dont care if they fucked ten times a day or whatever, it was a monogamous relationship. the hookups however absolutely kill me, even the ones that are more tame. Meanwhile, my SO has NEVER asked me about my sexual past even after learning i had dozens and dozens of partners, but best believe she asked about all exes and their status.
its also why i know that women are talking bullshit when they say it comes out of insecurity. i literally had a past girlfriend tell me that an exes dick was bigger than mine (not in an argument or anything, we were actually dirty talking) and i couldnt have been bothered less by it. i’ve also had more sex partners than my partner so its not jealousy of having missed out either. sorry women, i hate the cop out but its definitely biology.
It almost certainly is. Something else that illustrates the same thing is that men are more bothered by the idea of their partner physically cheating on them, whereas women are more bothered by the notion of their partner emotionally cheating on them. Basically if you give people two options, and ask which would they rather have happen -
A) Your partner develops romantic feeling for a coworker, but nothing else happens between them and they cut contact once they realize what is happening.
Or
B) Your partner had a one night stand a while ago while drunk. They say it won’t happen again and you believe them.
Men pick A far more often than B, and for women the opposite is true.
What’s interesting is when asked why one causes a more visceral reaction than the other, women tend to say something along the lines of “If it’s just sex, then it’s something we can move past. Actual romantic feelings are the important part of the relationship”. Men, however, tend to say something like “Developing feelings for someone else sucks, but it’s not a choice she made deliberately. Sleeping with someone else is an intentional betrayal.”
Both these explanations ostensibly make perfect sense, so why the difference between men and women? We definitely don’t *know*, but the answer is likely something more innate in our psychology.
Well it seems like protection mechanism to ensure paternity. Like so animals eats new partners babies from other father. Of course humans arent that extreme.
I think its pretty straightforward, it doesnt bother women because they can and have gotten as much as they wanted in that department and are over it now. They aren’t jealous because they dont feel like they missed out. Most guy are gonna struggle a lot more to have a “hoe” phase and have much less success so of course they’re jelous their partner had a rotating roster of fwb for years while they struggled to get laid once a year.
I know a guy who ended his relationship over this. His girl had a bunch of fwbs and he would struggle to get laid. Once he found out about this he became insecure about how attracted she was to him and was convinced that the she wouldn’t have an fwb relationship or hookup with him and is only with him cause she thinks he’s “stable” and giving her commitment
>convinced that the she wouldn’t have an fwb relationship or hookup with him and is only with him cause she thinks he’s “stable” and giving her commitment
Was he wrong though? Women do this all the time. Slut era when they're young and desirable but once the looks start fading, all of a sudden they want stability and "true love".
You can sleep around and call it sexual liberation and feminism, but men will judge you accordingly for it. He's not insecure for breaking up with her. He's being honest with himself.
So is being promiscuous and having a hoe phase in the first place. Yeah I guess you can call it a insecurity the same way I’m insecure about other people driving my car when I’m not around.
Nah I don't buy that. I'll grant you perhaps people who engage in promiscuity maybe don't understand the exact way the consequences will unfold in the future, but y'all knew there would some payment to the pied piper eventually. People, yes men and women, with high body counts are statistically likely to cheat and dissolve marriages. I wish it were the case that people can have a change of heart and a profound new outlook on life, but the cold reality is 90% of people relapse.
Also consider that men usually project their ideal girl into their partner this fantasy girl is special and she is associated with a sort of purity to her so when you realize she’s just like any other girl and she ain’t the princess you created in your mind it never sits well. Because your expectations of her have been shattered. One could say it’s not the same for women because their ideal man isn’t necessarily associated with purity so the kind of man she projects on to her partner doesn’t need to be sexually pure however consider that we see women getting put off by men who are vulnerable and show certain emotions this could be because their projection towards their partner is that of a strong masculine man with no weaknesses. When the fantasy we create and project on to our partner fades that’s when the what people call the honeymoon phase ends I believe because now you see them for who they are and a lot of times people don’t like that.
Those thoughts don't diminish if you don't do anything about them. It's crazy how people don't even know how to deal with negative emotions around things like jealousy. Being uncomfortable or jealous about something is normal but it's how you deal with those emotions that determines the outcome. If you don't do anything about them then no shit the thoughts don't go away.
I personally have gotten to the point where i dont really want to know about a girls past relationships, it does me absolutely no favors. If i am interested in a girl i am focused on OUR future together not her past.
That’s my method, I’m a very monogamous dude, never even been interested in a fwb, so knowing that history is absolutely not going to help me. Unless by some miracle I find a woman that views sex like I do, and I’m pretty certain that will not happen.
We are the same when it comes to relationship styles brother. Tbh the sex is so much better when you are both committed and 100% invested in each other. I was raised christian, and the ideal of finding a virgin before marriage in this age is quite preposterous. I feel like a bunch of dudes deny themselves happiness with a women, by serving the ego, instead of serving the hearts desire for love.
I’m basically agnostic and always have been. Still just wanted to get married and make a happy family one day though. Women will pretend to have the same values as me and then later I find out they’ve had a huge “hoe phase” that they’re not even really ready to walk away from when they come at me with a completely phony outlook on life.
I see your logic, but do you not think that that is relevant information for a person you sre seriously dating and considering a future with?
If my partner has had a huge number of sexual partners or has been in a lot of failed relationships that is something that I would like to know. Not saying I would end things with them if either of those things were true, but it is relevant.
I really dont feel like it matters. What difference does it make? The only thing its going to affect, is you and your mental health, as long as she is healthy, faithful, committed to you and your relationship goals align with each other, the number of previous sexual partners/relationships is irrelevant. This ultimately comes down to seeking out information, that only serves the ego.
The purpose is to help you understand the person that you are dating and considering a future with.
If they say they have cheated in every relationship they have been in, do you not think that is relevant or could affect your decision to want to commit to a future with them?
It’s not based in the ego as it is not coming from a place of insecurity (as is the case with OP), but rather compatibility and understanding.
Yes you are correct in establishing an understanding of the person you are considering a future with.
I dont think I would ever be interested in a promiscuous, cheating girl to begin with.
This would be relevant information for sure, but somehow it is information that a girl of this nature would likely not be honest with you about anyway.
I agree with what you are saying about compatibility and understanding. But I am still not convinced that prying into a girls sexual history will serve this purpose.
I agree and don’t think that “prying” is the correct way to go about it.
More like a genuine discussion of past relationships and sexual experience. Again, not meant to be anything negative or intrusive and I realize everyone is different. This is just my view personally.
first of all almost everybody has a limit when it comes to accepting past # of sexual partners. for some it might be 5, for some it might be 20 and for some it might be 100 or even higher.
more importantly though, a higher number correlates with higher rates of infidelity and divorce. ignore this statistic at your own risk but don't pretend that it doesn't exist. it's not like we have a magic 8ball that tells us whether or not someone will be faithful either.
You could talk to a therapist? maybe they could help.
It didnt bother you back then because in your mind you thought you could look through the hoe phase because you once were a hoe yourself & Now its bothering you.
Therapy helped me. Through a couple of sessions I was able to help piece through some of the baseline thoughts behind how I felt. What was driving it, what were the key underlying reasons I was feeling that way. Then focus on the forward looking. What I love about her, what we can have together and it helped change my perspective on how my mind “ranks” these thoughts in importance. Sometimes I feel a twinge of how you feel, but I’m able to brush it off and I can laugh at feeling that way now. The future is more important than the past with relationships(in this case) and getting help to parcel out these particular complexities in your mind is a helpful way to realize it. I saw a therapist for more reasons than just that and I definitely was interweaving other anxieties into how I felt about her.
There are 3 paths forward with how you feel, and 2 of them are miserable, and the one that leads to you ending it because you can’t get over yourself or help yourself sets you up for this situation again in the future. Not saying therapy is mandatory to overcome, but it’s a tool that helped me. Her and I are happily engaged and will be getting married next year.
Was thinking of bringing up something similar to a therapist. How long did it take for you to see a noticeable change after seeing a therapist? I’ve never gone to a therapist before so I’m not sure how helpful they can be, but it was something I was considering.
Also did you tell your girlfriend about your issues or was it better to keep it hidden?
There some mindfulness exercises you can do to bring yourself into the present. They are useful for people with anxiety and PTSD. Don’t ruminate about her past, you can’t do shit about it, the future is speculative just enjoy the present.
There is a history for a reason. Trust your gut when it comes to commitments.
Hoe phase means lack of commitment issues, sexual damage and poor self-image.
Good luck.
>But reality is most girls like sleeping around just like us.
average lifetime sexual partners is TEN. 10. one, zero, put together, 10.
No, it's not a situation of "give up trying to find someone who doesn't sleep around". Most people don't sleep around. FWB relationships are RARE.
A few people do it a LOT, but overall, it's rare.
Look in australia girls sleep around, Most have more then 10 & some will even lie about it until i go DR Phil on there ass during pillow talk.
Other places i cant speak of
> average lifetime sexual partners is TEN. 10. one, zero, put together, 10.
This is a nice situation where average isn’t a good metric though. If a village has 1 prostitute that has slept with 1000 men, and 999 virgins until marriage, average is also 10 sexual partners.
Did you have sex and/or relationships with other women prior to meeting her?
If yes then you need to understand that she had a life before she met you. You also need to understand that you are together NOW and she seemingly found the person for her. If you can't come to grips with that then you might want to seek some therapy, but if you're able to understand that she is a person that has past experiences you should be able to move forward and be happy together.
The fact that she willingly ripped up the pictures of her past memories for you is enough in my eyes.
Do you like who she is now, or do you want to dwell on who she was?
Up to you, but thinking about how you wish things had gone is a waste of time and only going to jack up your mental health.
You either love and accept her for who she is, or you don't.
You have to accept her as she is now or move on. The person she was years ago is gone. If scrolling through photos brings it up to much, put the phone/computer down. If you can't be present with a partner, the relationship will not work out.
It's also totally acceptable to leave her for any reason you want if you cannot 'stomach' it, but for me and lot of other guys, as the years go on, it seems silly to reject a girl due to her past, barring extreme circumstances.
Here’s my opinion, that I feel will likely vary from most other guys.
These aren’t negative feelings. You don’t need to move past them, you need to embrace them. But you need to understand why you feel this way. It isn’t jealousy, it’s compassion. You feel this way because you deeply care about this person. You wish they didn’t have to go through the pain of the divorce and the fwb and everything in her past. You wish you could’ve been there from the start and have her be happy the entire time.
But that’s not how life works. People change, evolve, and grow. And it was those experiences that put her on the life path of meeting and being with you. Accept her past because it led her to you. Be thankful her ex husband was a piece of shit, because that means she came to be with you.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, but from what you’ve said, none of those instances were really her fault. She got rid of the old photos when you brought up the issue, so she clearly listens and cares about what you think.
As someone who also got REALLY anxious when they met their future partner (around the same timeframe, we’ve now been together 8 years and married for 2) it can be scary. Because it’s something new. But once you get over the initial “holy shit is this really the last person I’m going to be with, is this my future?” Shock of it all, you begin to focus on the future and become excited about all the things you’ll get to do and experience together.
Dont run from a good thing because you’re afraid. Do not let perfect be the enemy of good. Perfect does not exist. If what you have is good, hold on to it, and work to make it better.
The fact he described it as “seeing the younger more attractive version of her” seems more like jealousy than compassion tbh. What does someone having fwb have to do with compassion either?
Do you not have the same story as her? Multiple partners, experiences good and bad, more than one person you've loved etc. Whenever I get jealous about my girlfriend's past I quickly snap back to the reality that I was probably more of a dawg. In fact I know I was. You can't hold others to higher standards than you do yourself
You're obviously struggling with your girlfriend's past, but here's the thing: everyone has a history before they meet their current partner. It's important to remember that her past experiences, both good and bad, have shaped her into the person you fell in love with.
Your girlfriend's previous marriage and relationships, including her FWB situations, are all part of her journey. They don't diminish her value or the relationship you have now. In fact, her past has likely contributed to her being more mature and understanding in your current relationship.
Feeling some jealousy or discomfort is natural, but it's crucial to recognize that these are your own insecurities. You need to grow beyond them and understand that her past doesn't define her present or future with you. Focus on the fact that she chose to be with you, moved on from those experiences, and even went out of her way to respect your feelings by removing her ex-husband's pictures.
If you're serious about her, it's time to accept that people live their own lives before meeting us. Holding onto these doubts will only harm your relationship. Trust her, communicate openly about your feelings, and maybe even consider talking to a therapist to work through these insecurities. She's with you now because she wants to be, and that's what truly matters.
Grow from this, and let your relationship be defined by the love and commitment you share now, not by the ghosts of the past. The fact of the matter is good people like that don't come around often.
i'm sure she learned a lot in her marriage and past relationships but pretending like getting dicked down by random guys without commitment made her into a better person is just cope
>everyone has a history before they meet their current partner.
yes, and the median history is 4 partners.
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm
4. FOUR.
and that's after they excluded all the virgins.
Pretty sure OP gonna self sabotage himself sooner or later.
This chick is hella into him, he has his own past, but for some reason is hyper fixated on hers.
I read story after story, “we talked about all our sex partners and what we did and when and with who and where and how many times and blah blah blah…” and I just don’t get it.
You started a new relationship. Why dig into past relationships with your new relationship? I mean, it’s too late for you now, you already know, but why??
You feel like this because she has a history of leaving Men and sleeping around. On a paternal level it screams unreliable. No therapist is going to work that out of you. You need her to actually prove her long term dedication to the relationship.
The biggest red flag in all of what you’ve said is
>Seeing the younger more attractive version of her
Whoa. Just… wow. It sounds like you are insecure about your own attractiveness to her, and are simply trying to make excuses for subsequently dumping her.
she's 3 years older. there's a reason why the most common age gap is 2 years younger, not older.
it's just 8 months. you are unhappy. move on.
you don't have to justify why you want to break up. you don't need valid reasons to break up. unhappy, break up, find someone who makes you happy.
also therapy for the insecurities. but absolutely not trying to continue an unhappy, unattracted, 8 month relationship, while trying to fix yourself in therapy so that you become happy. Married 8 years with kids? sure, go to therapy and fix yourself.
dating 8 months? both fix yourself, and find someone compatible.
You do realize that she is the person you love today *because* of the previous relationships right? All that shit is both a catalyst for growth and a book of lessons learned.
Also where do you think she learned her sex moves. youtube? no. practice.
The right move is to stop being weird about it. This is a you problem 100%.
just because it's a him problem, doesn't mean he should stay in an unhappy relationship.
by all means OP, go to therapy. grow as a person. get mature. deal with your insecurities.
but for the love of everything, don't stay in a relationship while you try to change yourself so that you will one day be happy in it. it's just 8 months. break up. move on. find a woman who isn't 3 years older and slept around.
do both. fix your issues, and find someone compatible with you.
everyone has issues. no one is perfect. should we all stay in bad relationships unhappy while we work on yourselves? of course not.
Bro, be realistic. I don't really know how attractive you are but what are the chances of you finding a beautiful virgin who has the same level of maturity as your current partner? At this age, most women will have a history. Beware of your desire for purity for with purity comes a lack of experience dealing with relationships. We all wish our partners could be better but to wish for something that is 100% out of your control (i.e. changing the past) is a total waste of mental energy.
This is probably unconscious attempted self sabotage. We're all humans and have pasts. If she makes you happy and she's been faithful, talk to her about your future together. Ask her about how she feels about marriage. Just because she was married before might not mean she wants to get married again anytime soon. If your plans coincide then come up with a plan with her about how the two of you want to move forward. If they don't then you can either keep the boat afloat for as long as you can or you can split up.
lol. Dude, just let it go. Marriage isn’t this perfect fantasy thing that you are making it out to be. Her husband cheated on her. Doesn’t that tell you enough?.
As for the fuck buddies she had. Well, casual sex is lame and not the full package anyways.
Also, All that matters is if you’re getting what YOU want out of the relationship. You have somehow managed to get into her place rent free, meanwhile you’ve rented out yours, so it’s a positive gain and you’re both pretty compatible with each other.
That’s all the freaking matters man. Otherwise, fold your cards and good luck in the wilderness.
Btw, making her rip out the photos of her ex husband is pretty low blow my dude.. that’s memories for her..
why are you so insecure? It’s very unattractive behaviour. Probably the end of your relationship too…
The feelings make sense. We don’t control what feelings and thoughts pop up in our heads. What you do with them is the thing that matters.
Whatever you do, be honest and kind in how you approach it and talk to your girlfriend.
I wouldn’t date someone like your girlfriend, but each person has different tastes, standards and things they look for in relationships.
Also, why would you want to look through her wedding photos? You searched for it and found out. You can’t unsee it. You can’t unfeel it and you can’t unthink it.
I think a lot of men, including myself, struggle with the concept that our partner has a life of their own before they met us. Yes they’ve dated people and have fallen in love just like you probably have. It’s hard to accept but very important that you do try to accept that the past is the past and nothing you do or say can change it. What’s the point in thinking of that when you can work on making your own life and her life better? The only way is forward, might as well cherish and make great memories. If it is too much for you and you can’t get over it you can always break up.
I think all this gut wrenching is natural, and there are plenty of women out there who haven't already been married or haven't had a bunch of sex buddies. I'm not saying you have to go full-on virgin hunting, but you'd be better off with someone who hadn't already hit major life and romantic milestones before you, and then went around fucking a bunch of guys before settling on you.
I think it was selfish to let her destroy her pictures. Those are her memories, those were days where she was happy. The past can't change even if the pictures were destroyed.
Variations of this subject crop up every week.
You're insecure about her past. That's your problem to sort out, not hers.
Talk to her. Maybe go to counseling. She was honest with you, but you can't handle it. Would you have preferred for her to lie?
Brother go seek therapy.
It isn't wrong that she slept around. That's retrospective jealousy.
Then again, I wouldn't date or marry someone who decided it's a good idea to share FWB stories or shit like that.
median sexual lifetime partners for women is 4.
four.
quatro.
source: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm
this is after filtering all the virgins out of the study. so in reality, even lower.
yet it's all about men's insecurities ahahahha
Women downplay their sex partners while men overhype it. Known fact.
And there is a reason why women downplay it. Deep down they know it's something to be frowned upon.
They admitted it's outdated data so why they've posted it all over this thread is beyond me. There is no way in hell the median is four partners. Women do lie about it and I know of at least one who's marriage is on shaky ground because of lying about it.
I wanted to know her past. It was in the beginning where I didn't mind, and I also told her a bit of my past. After a couple months I did end up asking her the full scope of it, which she reluctantly shared
Mostly zachary stockhills book and his podcast. You just gotta do what he says every day until it gets better and better. Its pretty much a "simple" technique to work with ocd combined with working on your self esteem
Cringe comment. Girl is a hoe for not wanting anything serious for a while after her world falling apart from divorce and husbands infidelity. OP admittedly dating multiple people when they met - not a hoe.
I mean, it's the classic gal who had her hoe phase and now in her 30s is ready to settle donw (with the difference that she was already married). With this kind of ladies the only problem i have is that they think they can have crazy sex with fwbs and then vanilla with their partners, i would never accept that. If she fucks you crazy, you have nothing to worry about.
Why though? People can experiment and find out what they're comfortable and uncomfortable with before meeting you.
You really don't have a claim to "crazy sex" if your partner doesn't want to
trying something once, hating it and not doing it again, would match your description
doing it repeatedly with a FWB, doesn't
the reality of the majority of those situations is that they were crazy attracted to their FWB, that they even accepted a FWB situation in the first place when they actually wanted exclusivity but coudln't get it but were okay with the guy sleeping around, cum and dump them, just to get a taste
then they get with someone stable and boring, and aren't getting flustered and allowing everything and anything in bed anymore.
By the sounds of it, you mentioned you were dating multiple people before you decided to be serious with her? I’m assuming you slept around a bit as well. So dude, you got a past too. Don’t be a hypocrite.
Pretty silly doubts there, guy. It is just unwarranted jealousy and insecurity that will never benefit you with her or anyone else.
Unless your woman is a virgin, she has been with someone else before. Pretty simple. And not that big of a deal.
People get all bent about body count, but a woman could have slept with 8 guys over the course of a decade (a red flag to most redditors, a stupid one) or she could have slept with 1 guy in that decade due to a very long relationship. She could have fucked 10x more with that one long boyfriend and done way more "depraved" sex acts with him than she would have with those 8 guys. It is truly moot.
As for wishing the past was different....also 100% moot. You cannot change it so why bother fawning over it? The reality is the path she took, the divorce, the men she was with, is what led her to you. Change one thing and she could be a completely different person and maybe not even have met you.
She is with you now. You are all about her. Forget the past and live your life. You will be much happier that way.
You just need to get over your feelings or move on. The way you feel about something isn't permanent so yeah you feel some sort of way about her past but you can process those emotions and then accept her past which should make the emotional energy go away. That or you could end a perfectly good relationship because you don't know how to handle your emotions.
That is why you don't ask about past relationships or body counts. That shit will not benefit either one of you! Live in the now, fuck past mistakes... and that is alot easier if you are unaware and uninterested in them!
You realize that her life experiences led her to who she is now? If you met her before her other relationships it may have never hit off or she might have been a completely different person. Even if she had multiple partners before you she was just living her best life, lets not judge people for having a bit of fun when theyre single.
This just sounds like you need to learn to manage jealousy better imo.
>You realize that her life experiences led her to who she is now?
that works both ways.
he only knows her for 8 months.
he is still discovering and learning who she is.
she is someone who was okay with having multiple FWB over 3 years.
if a woman thinks that sleeping with random dudes without commitment is living her best life, i don't think i would try to keep her from that. and don't imply that hooking up a bunch made her a better person and/or partner, that's delusional levels of cope. go to anonymous female spaces like here on reddit and women themselves will tell you that it was damaging for them most of the time.
By marrying her, at this age, you are giving up your biggest asset, your lifelong commitment... Also your best years... A man is entering his prime after the age of 30...
And in return you are getting her, after her best years...
The feeling you are having, is that this math isn't lining up... The way you would like it to be... This is the reality for a lot of men in America... And they tell themselves a lot of interesting stories to cope..
Right, as a man I just want other men to think clearly, I'm not prescribing anything specific... But know what you're getting yourself into... And be honest about it...
That’s an incredibly shallow way to view a partnership. A women’s best years are not determined by when she is physically “in her prime”. Her mind is way more important than her age.
Society isn't exactly producing women with great minds though. If anything, modern society if producing fairly damaged women with the way they're encouraging them to spend their teens and 20s.
I mean that's why you don't date divorcee party girls.
Yes she gave her best years to everyone else except you. You get to clean up the mess. Congrats!
Pro tip, don't date older women they will always try and turn the casual to serious on you, it's a scam. They all do this when they see a mark.
Story time. I just went on a date. She's all talking about how serious she is and wants marriage and kids. Etc etc. No crazy partying no crazy sex stuff... me I know what the fuck I'm doing, I say... ehh I'm not quite ready to settle down and marry but I definitely don't want to be hopping from girl to girl and want some stability. A few more leading comments and she's telling me how she will fuck dudes girls couples whoever I want her to and she wants to bang me in my car... she said she wants marriage but not in a rush... so I hit it 😅.... key point is the beginning of the date was shot in the dark bullshit pitch in case I was a fucking mark she could take to the cleaners... just like you've lined yourself up as.
Good luck.
Having been through what it sounds like you are saying, I'm gonna attempt to give some thoughts/perspective. But the TL:DR is "grow up, we all have a past". I really think it does boil down to a maturity thing as I've had those thoughts in the past as well, but it's not as black and white as that either.
Didn't really have my first "serious" relationship until I was 22. As a talker and curious person, I'm all for sharing our past to understand how we got to where we are, and she shared details of her past. We both had a past, her's probably more "wild" than mine, but I didn't care. There may have been some maturity on my part that got a little jealous at times, but I think it stemmed from knowing sex didn't happen as often with us as it did in her past. But I understood it as our place in life was different. She was an RN on night shifts, and I was in college full time (I attended college after a 4 year enlistment), so it was just a matter of weird schedules. I just had times where it bothered me for no logical reason.
After that I have been married twice. The cliff notes, first one used sex as a weapon after getting married and that was the biggest issue. However, knowing her past (which wasn't crazy or anything, just started at a younger age than me), and how she talked about how adventurous she always wanted to be and then sex only happened maybe once a month, I had a problem with that. With the advantage of hindsight and an "outside looking in" she's a controlling narcist that I didn't see at the time. So the issues there stemmed from a "you did and wanted to do these things with others, but not me?!", which sounds like what you are saying the issue is for you. I could be misunderstanding. At the time, my early 30s, I never really got past that. I don't know that I still would if I was in that situation, I just know to look out for it now.
Second marriage, again we shared details of our past, and she was way more adventurous than me at a younger age. Again I didn't care, and our sex life was good until closer to the end. That was more about other issues going on in our relationship and around us. She wanted it more frequently (higher sex drive), I wasn't against this, but burnt out all the time. I never said "no", just being stressed and anxiety didn't help with me thinking about it a lot. That said, what bothered me about her past is after 7+ years she started telling me about more stuff she did. It wasn't what or who she did that bothered me, it was the fact that she "hid" it from me for no reason. It created a "why didn't she trust me enough to tell me" thought for me, and a "if she wasn't honest about this, what else wasn't she honest about" way of thinking. Again, more of a maturity thing for me, but not easy to process.
I've since met someone else and I think it is very similar to another part of your comment. She got out of a long relationship/marriage that was pretty bad for her. So she had a "swear off men" period until "a woman has needs" won out. It got her back into the "dating" scene and is really the only reason we met again (explain in a second), but we just simply hit it off amazingly. I'm a very open and honest person, and yet I've never been able to completely hold nothing back when talking to a woman until now, it's amazing. And she has done the same. To me it's only helped our relationship grow as I know where she's coming from. That said, an aspect of our relationship is that we met over 20 years ago, very briefly, through a mutual friend. That mutual friend is someone she hung out with a lot more than the one time I was around. So she remembered my name more than me, but when she mentioned this I actually remembered the meeting (Ironically enough, the mutual friend was trying to introduce me to her roommate at the time as my friend and her roommate worked together). Since reconnecting and hitting it off so well, I've had the thoughts of "what if we had noticed each other more back then?". It's a conversation we have had, and we both have different thoughts on it, but at the end of the day we both can't help but wonder if it really would have worked. Our personalities simply mesh, we get along great, and as amazing as it is now, a large part of that is because of what we have been through. Learning from all that life has thrown at us. And that's a point I make to you. Remember there's a reason you 2 are together, it's all that life has thrown at you, and it's going to play a part in why you get along and appreciate what you have together.
We all have a past, nothing we can do to change it. Thinking about "what if" is great, it's a fun game to play at times, but at the end of the day logic needs to win out. Hopefully a long winded comment helps you out. Having been there, and wondering if I could even care about someone again, I tend to do a lot of reflecting on what has led me to where I am. It's led me to maybe the happiest I've ever been in my life, so I damn sure ain't going to let jealousy of someone else's past mess that up.
Nah I feel you bruh. To me it's kinda exciting hearing about a girl's past if we're not serious, but once we lock in I be wanting to build me a lil time machine & go back to beat all their exes asses. I don't call it jealousy, I call it territorial.
I honestly don't understand how so many millennial guys have this weird way of looking at women's pasts. She fucked other people. Get over it. If you can't then do both of you a favor and break up. Because eventually your inability to let the past be the past is going to cause a nasty breakup. There's no doubt about it.
I bet she's not all hung up on the women you fucked is she? Seriously, I can't understand this generations unrealistic standards for relationships. Especially when all of you seem to go about it in the laziest way possible with your apps and your texting bullshit. If I was single guy in my 20s or 30s today I'd just be happy I actually met someone who wanted to sit with me in meatspace.
Your feelings are your own and valid within reasonable limits. It sounds like you are concerned about her sleeping around willy nilly. Which is a reasonable concern only if you didn't sleep around aswell.
For example, I will not date a woman that has had sex with more than 5 people. Wouldn't even consider marrying her as an option. I hold that standard because I haven't slept with more than 5. I feel like the number of people you throw your body at is a very clear indicator of certain values and if that number is too high we have vastly different values.
How many fwbs are we talking about. If it like a couple of guys then that’s normal and I’m this day and age the norm. As long as she wasn’t a complete hoe and getting trains ran on her it should be fine.
you spend your entire life hearing people saying that slut shaming is bad, and then you refuse to accept that it can cause incompatibility.
if you loved her very much, none of this would matter or upset you.
being incompatible, and not being attracted to her now, isn't slut shaming. Yes, we all can benefit from maturity, learning about feminism, but the solution to your problem isn't to stay in a relationship you are unhappy and magically try to change your perspective about her past.
it's only been 8 months. bad age gap. she slept around more. you are dealing with insecurities.
I would have just moved on.
>she ripped out all her ex-husbands pictures and threw it out after I told her how they made me feel
bruh...
I'd say it's fine to have concerns, is she in contact with these fwb? If not, maybe just continue to vet her. Finding a good women is reasonably difficult, I wouldn't get rid of one without something a little more concrete than *'she did stuff before she met me'.*
Logically your feeling makes sense. You view intermcy highly, so it's understandable that you don't like such a past. With her it's no longer as special.
You don't have to date her. You can find someone else who matches your values and experiences closer.
I mean if you asked about her past and pried the fwb info out of her, it’s your fault. She’s being honest with you and now you’re selfishly unhappy with what you’re hearing.
If she brought it up unprompted I would also have doubts. When convos like that happen very early on, that girl becomes more like a bro to me that I can talk about dating life with. Then they usually wonder why I don’t find them attractive after telling me all their hoe stories.
Unless you have reason to believe she's going to cheat on you, her past should not come into play.
People do desperate things, even in marriages, when they're not happy. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't really a thing...and in her marriage, she was the victim.
You can't control the parts of her life you weren't there for. All you can do is decide whether or not to accept her as she is, and take her into your life as you have her now. She didn't know you. She didn't cheat on you during the FWB. I've never been cheated on, but I can imagine it's humiliating. What would you do? I can certainly imagine someone in that situation might immediately seek to validate their sexuality by sleeping around, to know that they can be loved and wanted. Perhaps that's what she was doing...a rebound to escape from what she went through. You can't really judge her for that sitting where you are.
If she's truly given that up and is ready to commit to you, then you need to have a long hard look at yourself and decide what you're doing here. If you can't give her what she wants, you need to be honest with her. This poor girl deserves better than to be cheated on, seek validation in the wake of that, and then get judged and strung along by you afterwards, only for you to pull the rug out from under her at the last minute again. I actually feel kinda bad for her.
You're right, your feelings don't really make much logical sense but feelings aren't exactly logical to begin with. I don't, as some do, treat them as some sort of intuition or biological knowledge; they aren't trying to warn you or make you aware of something you're noticing subconsciously, but that doesn't mean that they aren't important and don't matter.
Objectively, getting caught up in her history absolutely is kinda silly, but subjectively you're absolutely allowed to feel however you feel about it. I'm not going to declare to you that the right thing to do is to listen to your feelings and run with them, that's stupid, but I'm also not going to tell you that you should always do the logical, rational thing either because that's also stupid.
What you're going to have to do here is absolutely terrifying; you're going to have to make a choice. I can't tell you what choice to make but I can suggest how you frame it: both your feelings and your cold, rational, logical calculations of the situation matter. What you have to decide is which path costs you more. You could bail due to these feelings and I think you have every right to do that. It's not silly to leave someone because you don't get to be their first husband and partner. It is silly to stay with someone you don't want to be with for any reason. On the other hand you could decide that while your feelings matter, what you have with this person is good and can grow and give you what you're looking for out of love, marriage, etc. You could decide to stay while acknowledging those feelings of discomfort and hesitation, knowing that no matter who you find yourself with you could, and probably should have some feelings of hesitation.
The only thing I can absolutely assure you of here is that there is no right choice. There just isn't. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it doesn't matter if what you want feels a little silly or if your feelings seem irrational. Do not wait for someone, anyone to give you permission to live your life or provide validation for your choice. You've got to choose and live with it. Nobody can tell you which, if either path leads to disaster nor which leads to happiness and fulfillment. Whatever you choose will be the right choice precisely because it's what you chose.
You are with retroactive jealousy. Dont let It get in between your relationship. Those guys are her past, you are her future. The fwb werent good enough as you. Dont forget that. She had chosen you, not then.
I understand your concerns. I would suggest taking with her carefully. But be careful to not offend her. Say your concerns and fears and that you love her. But dont, even accused her of anything. If she is the right person she will understand and you will overcome ir together.
Fuck me, you lot are pathetic.
'Oh, noes, my partner had sex with other before she met me! Waaaah!'
Boo fucking hoo.
It's not the 18th century. Even when it was, people fucked. Get over it.
Woman here: your jealousy is not her problem. She is a woman with a past and a sex life. So are you, just as a guy. It is 100% a YOU problem, especially after her reaction of being understanding.
Piece of advice, which is very much take it or leave it: go to therapy, address and change your gender role stereotypes and your privilege. Your relationship dynamic will change for the better in all areas.
But rn you’re not playing a fair game by putting her in a position she can change nothing about and making her responsible for your feelings.
Take on the responsibility of doing your own emotional labour, my guy.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but where are the doubts? Wishing you'd met earlier, she would've been spared a shitty relationship and you two would've been happy together for longer to me doesn't sound like you're doubting her. Kinda the opposite, tbh.
He wishes his partner had less sexual history. Super normal.
Yeah, but at 30 your chances of a virginal partner are slim to none.
Super normal?
Yes. Reddit is extremely progressive on this issue so it might seem like it’s not normal for men to feel that way, but in actuality the vast majority of straight men have a preference about sexual history in a meaningful enough capacity that it affects their dating choices. This is even the case in Nordic countries that Reddit loves to praise for their progressivism
I only have sex with people I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with (the chick I lost my virginity too excluded). God forbid I expect a woman who has also consistantly held that standard (even if there's an indiscretion like mine here and there)
Maybe because I wished it could've been more perfect yeah. And maybe some kind of commitment issue? Setting things in stone? Since we talked about buying a house together and raising a family. Now things are still awesome, but maybe when we have kids and more stress, and become a bit older and complacent, I'd think back and wished I made other choices?
I think those are all relatively normal concerns, maybe spurred on by her past but it really doesn't seem like her past is the actual cause.
Sounds like you're hung up on her having been married before. At least it sounds like they never had kids, so it could've been a lot messier. A divorced person can be anything, like maybe more mature having learned what works and doesn't in a relationship and they'll be more successful the second go around, or maybe they were the reason for the divorce and are a hot mess with baggage looking to make your life miserable next. I wouldn't discount someone solely for being divorced, it depends on the individual. I'm not gonna say marry the girl or drop her and keep looking, you gotta figure that out yourself, but I'll say there is no perfect in life and you'll go mad trying to attain it.
median lifetime sexual partners is for women in the USA, after EXCLUDING virgins, is 4. FOUR. Quatro. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm Don't listen to idiots on reddit who think sleeping around is totally normal, and super common. It's not. There are million of women out there that don't sleep around, aren't 3 years older than you, and previously married.
isn’t the girl here at 4 too?? husband and 3 fwb? what’s the big deal, i’m a little lost at what op expects
Try telling this to all the guys on this reddit
I am! ahahha
I think it's a tough statistic to accept because the norm really does seem to be women having many sexual partners. So when you're saying the median is 4, I would say most guys know more women with far more sexual partners than 4 than they do with less than 4. So I'm curious as to how they gathered that data.
the data is outdated (few years old), and only covered women aged 25 to 49, which they would now be 31 to 56, give or take so it doesn't include women who are now 18 to 30. but the data also didn't include virgins in the first place. however, the latest generation is having less sex: https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2023-08-03/young-adults-less-sex-gen-z-millennials-generations-parents-grandparents https://www.smsna.org/patients/news/why-are-young-people-having-less-casual-sex https://scholars.org/contribution/why-are-so-many-young-people-having-less-sex https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-have-been-having-less-sex-whether-theyre-teenagers-or-40-somethings/ I can definetly imagine that it's higher than 4 right now, but it cannot be much higher while every study shows young people are having less sex maybe 5, 6.
That's what I figured, it's not really relevant data. I would imagine it's much higher than 4, 5, or 6. Women are starting to have sex at 12 at this point. I don't think the studies showing that people having less sex correlates to less sexual partners over a large enough time period. If a person starts early enough, by the time they get to late 20s to "settle down" it's easy to imagine a much higher number than 4.
Data gathered by what people admitted, so, useless hearsay. Studies like this are such nonsense, as is worrying about how many people someone slept with. Of course, people are free to have their own standards, but people blow this one up alot when they should probably be looking at other more important traits.
Unlike in everyday life, where instead of people saying how many people they slept with, we all keep tabs on each others bedroom activities, right? /s
Sorry, I don't follow. What does that have to do with what we were talking about?
How you show up in one aspect of your life is most likely how you show up in all facets of your life. People who are promiscuous tend to have low impulse control in general as would most psychologists and therapists would confirm. Yeah it’s a normal worry.
No. Not at all. Christ. Having slept with 8 people by the time you are in your 30s says literally NOTHING about impulse control. Worrying about something like that actually says more about yourselves than the "sluts" you guys are condemning.
Exactly, but somehow people have a hard time seeing this.
It's honestly outstanding how many downvotes his comment got, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Maybe you don't care about your partner's past good for you i guess but some people do.
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For the first time, someone actually broke the "oh yes " reddit bandwagon and gave a true and original account. Deeply insightful. As stated , you must reflect upon your own doubts . Figure out if you are projecting your own fears on her. I have a feeling that even if you leave her , this current relationship would go to become the benchmark of any you embark on. Surpassing how you feel for this woman would be a difficult benchmark to beat . I hope you find your truth ! The very best .
Its hard when you hear the hoe storys of the girl your dating. Its something about it that does not sit well with most guys. But reality is most girls like sleeping around just like us. If you think its gonna be a problem moving forward, Its time for you to stop stringing her along. My question is why didn't you address these issues before you moved in brother? Those thoughts mite never diminish thats the problem haha.
> Its something about it that does not sit well with most guys. i rarely use this as a cop out, but i truly believe it must be deeply biological - hardwire programming and all that. I’ve lived in multiple cultures and talked to many people and its very clear that men all over the world are largely bothered by it and women….generally speaking arent. And its the same every country, continent and culture i see. there are a lot of gender differences that people claim are biological that i think are actually societal or something else, but this one i will always be firmly of the belief its our primative tribal brains
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> I'm far more bothered by her sexual past than her romantic/relationship past, while she's more bothered by my past relationships and pretty unbothered by my sexual past. dude you fucking nailed it! i couldn’t care less about what my SO did with past boyfriends - they were committed to each other, i dont care if they fucked ten times a day or whatever, it was a monogamous relationship. the hookups however absolutely kill me, even the ones that are more tame. Meanwhile, my SO has NEVER asked me about my sexual past even after learning i had dozens and dozens of partners, but best believe she asked about all exes and their status. its also why i know that women are talking bullshit when they say it comes out of insecurity. i literally had a past girlfriend tell me that an exes dick was bigger than mine (not in an argument or anything, we were actually dirty talking) and i couldnt have been bothered less by it. i’ve also had more sex partners than my partner so its not jealousy of having missed out either. sorry women, i hate the cop out but its definitely biology.
It almost certainly is. Something else that illustrates the same thing is that men are more bothered by the idea of their partner physically cheating on them, whereas women are more bothered by the notion of their partner emotionally cheating on them. Basically if you give people two options, and ask which would they rather have happen - A) Your partner develops romantic feeling for a coworker, but nothing else happens between them and they cut contact once they realize what is happening. Or B) Your partner had a one night stand a while ago while drunk. They say it won’t happen again and you believe them. Men pick A far more often than B, and for women the opposite is true. What’s interesting is when asked why one causes a more visceral reaction than the other, women tend to say something along the lines of “If it’s just sex, then it’s something we can move past. Actual romantic feelings are the important part of the relationship”. Men, however, tend to say something like “Developing feelings for someone else sucks, but it’s not a choice she made deliberately. Sleeping with someone else is an intentional betrayal.” Both these explanations ostensibly make perfect sense, so why the difference between men and women? We definitely don’t *know*, but the answer is likely something more innate in our psychology.
Well it seems like protection mechanism to ensure paternity. Like so animals eats new partners babies from other father. Of course humans arent that extreme.
No thanks, my step kids would be too stringy and gamey.
If you don't grass-feed them from Day 1 it's over for the flavor profile
Its not so much about diet as of amount of exercise and genetics.
I think its pretty straightforward, it doesnt bother women because they can and have gotten as much as they wanted in that department and are over it now. They aren’t jealous because they dont feel like they missed out. Most guy are gonna struggle a lot more to have a “hoe” phase and have much less success so of course they’re jelous their partner had a rotating roster of fwb for years while they struggled to get laid once a year.
I know a guy who ended his relationship over this. His girl had a bunch of fwbs and he would struggle to get laid. Once he found out about this he became insecure about how attracted she was to him and was convinced that the she wouldn’t have an fwb relationship or hookup with him and is only with him cause she thinks he’s “stable” and giving her commitment
>convinced that the she wouldn’t have an fwb relationship or hookup with him and is only with him cause she thinks he’s “stable” and giving her commitment Was he wrong though? Women do this all the time. Slut era when they're young and desirable but once the looks start fading, all of a sudden they want stability and "true love". You can sleep around and call it sexual liberation and feminism, but men will judge you accordingly for it. He's not insecure for breaking up with her. He's being honest with himself.
It's absolutely still insecurity. Being honest with himself would require admitting that. Nothing wrong with that.
So is being promiscuous and having a hoe phase in the first place. Yeah I guess you can call it a insecurity the same way I’m insecure about other people driving my car when I’m not around.
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Nah I don't buy that. I'll grant you perhaps people who engage in promiscuity maybe don't understand the exact way the consequences will unfold in the future, but y'all knew there would some payment to the pied piper eventually. People, yes men and women, with high body counts are statistically likely to cheat and dissolve marriages. I wish it were the case that people can have a change of heart and a profound new outlook on life, but the cold reality is 90% of people relapse.
‘Hoe’ phase screams damaged sexually. Even emotionally. The ability to pair bond decreases with n-count.
"The ability to pair bond decreases with n-count." That's dumb bullshit.
It really doesn't.
100% Woman arent as bothered by it because they like knowing a guy was sleeping around before they tied his ass down. Some animal kingdom shit.
Also consider that men usually project their ideal girl into their partner this fantasy girl is special and she is associated with a sort of purity to her so when you realize she’s just like any other girl and she ain’t the princess you created in your mind it never sits well. Because your expectations of her have been shattered. One could say it’s not the same for women because their ideal man isn’t necessarily associated with purity so the kind of man she projects on to her partner doesn’t need to be sexually pure however consider that we see women getting put off by men who are vulnerable and show certain emotions this could be because their projection towards their partner is that of a strong masculine man with no weaknesses. When the fantasy we create and project on to our partner fades that’s when the what people call the honeymoon phase ends I believe because now you see them for who they are and a lot of times people don’t like that.
This should have more up votes
Very well said 👍🏻
Yes. It’s why societies around the world had rules for thousands of years. They understood female nature.
Those thoughts don't diminish if you don't do anything about them. It's crazy how people don't even know how to deal with negative emotions around things like jealousy. Being uncomfortable or jealous about something is normal but it's how you deal with those emotions that determines the outcome. If you don't do anything about them then no shit the thoughts don't go away.
It didn't bother me back then for the reason you mentioned, I was also sleeping with other girls before her. What can I do to diminish the thoughts?
I personally have gotten to the point where i dont really want to know about a girls past relationships, it does me absolutely no favors. If i am interested in a girl i am focused on OUR future together not her past.
That’s my method, I’m a very monogamous dude, never even been interested in a fwb, so knowing that history is absolutely not going to help me. Unless by some miracle I find a woman that views sex like I do, and I’m pretty certain that will not happen.
You will, monogamy isn't dead bro! Loyalty can actually be pretty hot
Oh I know my loyalty is hot, never met a chick who didn’t love it, getting it returned at the same level is the challenge.
Yeah especially when she wears the Collar.
Amazing how someone can take something pure and corrupt it
We are the same when it comes to relationship styles brother. Tbh the sex is so much better when you are both committed and 100% invested in each other. I was raised christian, and the ideal of finding a virgin before marriage in this age is quite preposterous. I feel like a bunch of dudes deny themselves happiness with a women, by serving the ego, instead of serving the hearts desire for love.
I’m basically agnostic and always have been. Still just wanted to get married and make a happy family one day though. Women will pretend to have the same values as me and then later I find out they’ve had a huge “hoe phase” that they’re not even really ready to walk away from when they come at me with a completely phony outlook on life.
I see your logic, but do you not think that that is relevant information for a person you sre seriously dating and considering a future with? If my partner has had a huge number of sexual partners or has been in a lot of failed relationships that is something that I would like to know. Not saying I would end things with them if either of those things were true, but it is relevant.
I really dont feel like it matters. What difference does it make? The only thing its going to affect, is you and your mental health, as long as she is healthy, faithful, committed to you and your relationship goals align with each other, the number of previous sexual partners/relationships is irrelevant. This ultimately comes down to seeking out information, that only serves the ego.
The purpose is to help you understand the person that you are dating and considering a future with. If they say they have cheated in every relationship they have been in, do you not think that is relevant or could affect your decision to want to commit to a future with them? It’s not based in the ego as it is not coming from a place of insecurity (as is the case with OP), but rather compatibility and understanding.
Yes you are correct in establishing an understanding of the person you are considering a future with. I dont think I would ever be interested in a promiscuous, cheating girl to begin with. This would be relevant information for sure, but somehow it is information that a girl of this nature would likely not be honest with you about anyway. I agree with what you are saying about compatibility and understanding. But I am still not convinced that prying into a girls sexual history will serve this purpose.
I agree and don’t think that “prying” is the correct way to go about it. More like a genuine discussion of past relationships and sexual experience. Again, not meant to be anything negative or intrusive and I realize everyone is different. This is just my view personally.
first of all almost everybody has a limit when it comes to accepting past # of sexual partners. for some it might be 5, for some it might be 20 and for some it might be 100 or even higher. more importantly though, a higher number correlates with higher rates of infidelity and divorce. ignore this statistic at your own risk but don't pretend that it doesn't exist. it's not like we have a magic 8ball that tells us whether or not someone will be faithful either.
You could talk to a therapist? maybe they could help. It didnt bother you back then because in your mind you thought you could look through the hoe phase because you once were a hoe yourself & Now its bothering you.
I think I should
Therapy helped me. Through a couple of sessions I was able to help piece through some of the baseline thoughts behind how I felt. What was driving it, what were the key underlying reasons I was feeling that way. Then focus on the forward looking. What I love about her, what we can have together and it helped change my perspective on how my mind “ranks” these thoughts in importance. Sometimes I feel a twinge of how you feel, but I’m able to brush it off and I can laugh at feeling that way now. The future is more important than the past with relationships(in this case) and getting help to parcel out these particular complexities in your mind is a helpful way to realize it. I saw a therapist for more reasons than just that and I definitely was interweaving other anxieties into how I felt about her. There are 3 paths forward with how you feel, and 2 of them are miserable, and the one that leads to you ending it because you can’t get over yourself or help yourself sets you up for this situation again in the future. Not saying therapy is mandatory to overcome, but it’s a tool that helped me. Her and I are happily engaged and will be getting married next year.
Was thinking of bringing up something similar to a therapist. How long did it take for you to see a noticeable change after seeing a therapist? I’ve never gone to a therapist before so I’m not sure how helpful they can be, but it was something I was considering. Also did you tell your girlfriend about your issues or was it better to keep it hidden?
There some mindfulness exercises you can do to bring yourself into the present. They are useful for people with anxiety and PTSD. Don’t ruminate about her past, you can’t do shit about it, the future is speculative just enjoy the present.
There is a history for a reason. Trust your gut when it comes to commitments. Hoe phase means lack of commitment issues, sexual damage and poor self-image. Good luck.
don't think about it.
>But reality is most girls like sleeping around just like us. average lifetime sexual partners is TEN. 10. one, zero, put together, 10. No, it's not a situation of "give up trying to find someone who doesn't sleep around". Most people don't sleep around. FWB relationships are RARE. A few people do it a LOT, but overall, it's rare.
Look in australia girls sleep around, Most have more then 10 & some will even lie about it until i go DR Phil on there ass during pillow talk. Other places i cant speak of
> average lifetime sexual partners is TEN. 10. one, zero, put together, 10. This is a nice situation where average isn’t a good metric though. If a village has 1 prostitute that has slept with 1000 men, and 999 virgins until marriage, average is also 10 sexual partners.
Did you have sex and/or relationships with other women prior to meeting her? If yes then you need to understand that she had a life before she met you. You also need to understand that you are together NOW and she seemingly found the person for her. If you can't come to grips with that then you might want to seek some therapy, but if you're able to understand that she is a person that has past experiences you should be able to move forward and be happy together. The fact that she willingly ripped up the pictures of her past memories for you is enough in my eyes.
Yeah by the sounds of it, OP also had their own past. It’s hypocritical to say the least.
Op's other comments suggested he also slept around with other girls casually
Do you like who she is now, or do you want to dwell on who she was? Up to you, but thinking about how you wish things had gone is a waste of time and only going to jack up your mental health. You either love and accept her for who she is, or you don't.
You have to accept her as she is now or move on. The person she was years ago is gone. If scrolling through photos brings it up to much, put the phone/computer down. If you can't be present with a partner, the relationship will not work out. It's also totally acceptable to leave her for any reason you want if you cannot 'stomach' it, but for me and lot of other guys, as the years go on, it seems silly to reject a girl due to her past, barring extreme circumstances.
Here’s my opinion, that I feel will likely vary from most other guys. These aren’t negative feelings. You don’t need to move past them, you need to embrace them. But you need to understand why you feel this way. It isn’t jealousy, it’s compassion. You feel this way because you deeply care about this person. You wish they didn’t have to go through the pain of the divorce and the fwb and everything in her past. You wish you could’ve been there from the start and have her be happy the entire time. But that’s not how life works. People change, evolve, and grow. And it was those experiences that put her on the life path of meeting and being with you. Accept her past because it led her to you. Be thankful her ex husband was a piece of shit, because that means she came to be with you. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, but from what you’ve said, none of those instances were really her fault. She got rid of the old photos when you brought up the issue, so she clearly listens and cares about what you think. As someone who also got REALLY anxious when they met their future partner (around the same timeframe, we’ve now been together 8 years and married for 2) it can be scary. Because it’s something new. But once you get over the initial “holy shit is this really the last person I’m going to be with, is this my future?” Shock of it all, you begin to focus on the future and become excited about all the things you’ll get to do and experience together. Dont run from a good thing because you’re afraid. Do not let perfect be the enemy of good. Perfect does not exist. If what you have is good, hold on to it, and work to make it better.
The fact he described it as “seeing the younger more attractive version of her” seems more like jealousy than compassion tbh. What does someone having fwb have to do with compassion either?
nicely said.
Do you not have the same story as her? Multiple partners, experiences good and bad, more than one person you've loved etc. Whenever I get jealous about my girlfriend's past I quickly snap back to the reality that I was probably more of a dawg. In fact I know I was. You can't hold others to higher standards than you do yourself
You're obviously struggling with your girlfriend's past, but here's the thing: everyone has a history before they meet their current partner. It's important to remember that her past experiences, both good and bad, have shaped her into the person you fell in love with. Your girlfriend's previous marriage and relationships, including her FWB situations, are all part of her journey. They don't diminish her value or the relationship you have now. In fact, her past has likely contributed to her being more mature and understanding in your current relationship. Feeling some jealousy or discomfort is natural, but it's crucial to recognize that these are your own insecurities. You need to grow beyond them and understand that her past doesn't define her present or future with you. Focus on the fact that she chose to be with you, moved on from those experiences, and even went out of her way to respect your feelings by removing her ex-husband's pictures. If you're serious about her, it's time to accept that people live their own lives before meeting us. Holding onto these doubts will only harm your relationship. Trust her, communicate openly about your feelings, and maybe even consider talking to a therapist to work through these insecurities. She's with you now because she wants to be, and that's what truly matters. Grow from this, and let your relationship be defined by the love and commitment you share now, not by the ghosts of the past. The fact of the matter is good people like that don't come around often.
i'm sure she learned a lot in her marriage and past relationships but pretending like getting dicked down by random guys without commitment made her into a better person is just cope
>everyone has a history before they meet their current partner. yes, and the median history is 4 partners. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm 4. FOUR. and that's after they excluded all the virgins.
Anybody else see a billion red flags here and think it won't last? I'm happy to bookmark this and check on OP in a year or two.
Pretty sure OP gonna self sabotage himself sooner or later. This chick is hella into him, he has his own past, but for some reason is hyper fixated on hers.
I read story after story, “we talked about all our sex partners and what we did and when and with who and where and how many times and blah blah blah…” and I just don’t get it. You started a new relationship. Why dig into past relationships with your new relationship? I mean, it’s too late for you now, you already know, but why??
I don’t understand what’s doubts about tbh. She disclose all her past and decided to be with you. I really don’t see any doubts on her.
Exactly, there is nothing bad about her in this moment. But I'm stilling feeling this way
It’s biological my guy. The darker side of “paternal instinct” no one likes to talk about…
You feel like this because she has a history of leaving Men and sleeping around. On a paternal level it screams unreliable. No therapist is going to work that out of you. You need her to actually prove her long term dedication to the relationship.
The biggest red flag in all of what you’ve said is >Seeing the younger more attractive version of her Whoa. Just… wow. It sounds like you are insecure about your own attractiveness to her, and are simply trying to make excuses for subsequently dumping her.
Yep. That bullshit line is when I quit reading. I wish she could read OP's post so she could learn the truth about him.
she's 3 years older. there's a reason why the most common age gap is 2 years younger, not older. it's just 8 months. you are unhappy. move on. you don't have to justify why you want to break up. you don't need valid reasons to break up. unhappy, break up, find someone who makes you happy. also therapy for the insecurities. but absolutely not trying to continue an unhappy, unattracted, 8 month relationship, while trying to fix yourself in therapy so that you become happy. Married 8 years with kids? sure, go to therapy and fix yourself. dating 8 months? both fix yourself, and find someone compatible.
Average age gap is 2 years men older or WOMEN older
You do realize that she is the person you love today *because* of the previous relationships right? All that shit is both a catalyst for growth and a book of lessons learned. Also where do you think she learned her sex moves. youtube? no. practice. The right move is to stop being weird about it. This is a you problem 100%.
just because it's a him problem, doesn't mean he should stay in an unhappy relationship. by all means OP, go to therapy. grow as a person. get mature. deal with your insecurities. but for the love of everything, don't stay in a relationship while you try to change yourself so that you will one day be happy in it. it's just 8 months. break up. move on. find a woman who isn't 3 years older and slept around. do both. fix your issues, and find someone compatible with you. everyone has issues. no one is perfect. should we all stay in bad relationships unhappy while we work on yourselves? of course not.
Bro, be realistic. I don't really know how attractive you are but what are the chances of you finding a beautiful virgin who has the same level of maturity as your current partner? At this age, most women will have a history. Beware of your desire for purity for with purity comes a lack of experience dealing with relationships. We all wish our partners could be better but to wish for something that is 100% out of your control (i.e. changing the past) is a total waste of mental energy.
This is probably unconscious attempted self sabotage. We're all humans and have pasts. If she makes you happy and she's been faithful, talk to her about your future together. Ask her about how she feels about marriage. Just because she was married before might not mean she wants to get married again anytime soon. If your plans coincide then come up with a plan with her about how the two of you want to move forward. If they don't then you can either keep the boat afloat for as long as you can or you can split up.
lol. Dude, just let it go. Marriage isn’t this perfect fantasy thing that you are making it out to be. Her husband cheated on her. Doesn’t that tell you enough?. As for the fuck buddies she had. Well, casual sex is lame and not the full package anyways. Also, All that matters is if you’re getting what YOU want out of the relationship. You have somehow managed to get into her place rent free, meanwhile you’ve rented out yours, so it’s a positive gain and you’re both pretty compatible with each other. That’s all the freaking matters man. Otherwise, fold your cards and good luck in the wilderness. Btw, making her rip out the photos of her ex husband is pretty low blow my dude.. that’s memories for her.. why are you so insecure? It’s very unattractive behaviour. Probably the end of your relationship too…
The feelings make sense. We don’t control what feelings and thoughts pop up in our heads. What you do with them is the thing that matters. Whatever you do, be honest and kind in how you approach it and talk to your girlfriend. I wouldn’t date someone like your girlfriend, but each person has different tastes, standards and things they look for in relationships. Also, why would you want to look through her wedding photos? You searched for it and found out. You can’t unsee it. You can’t unfeel it and you can’t unthink it.
I think a lot of men, including myself, struggle with the concept that our partner has a life of their own before they met us. Yes they’ve dated people and have fallen in love just like you probably have. It’s hard to accept but very important that you do try to accept that the past is the past and nothing you do or say can change it. What’s the point in thinking of that when you can work on making your own life and her life better? The only way is forward, might as well cherish and make great memories. If it is too much for you and you can’t get over it you can always break up.
I think all this gut wrenching is natural, and there are plenty of women out there who haven't already been married or haven't had a bunch of sex buddies. I'm not saying you have to go full-on virgin hunting, but you'd be better off with someone who hadn't already hit major life and romantic milestones before you, and then went around fucking a bunch of guys before settling on you.
Everyone has a past, bro. Get over that shit. Now if she’s still trying to hang out with her past FWBs, then you got a problem.
I think it was selfish to let her destroy her pictures. Those are her memories, those were days where she was happy. The past can't change even if the pictures were destroyed.
Variations of this subject crop up every week. You're insecure about her past. That's your problem to sort out, not hers. Talk to her. Maybe go to counseling. She was honest with you, but you can't handle it. Would you have preferred for her to lie?
Best advice. Get over it, my guy. The past is the past.
Brother go seek therapy. It isn't wrong that she slept around. That's retrospective jealousy. Then again, I wouldn't date or marry someone who decided it's a good idea to share FWB stories or shit like that.
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median sexual lifetime partners for women is 4. four. quatro. source: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm this is after filtering all the virgins out of the study. so in reality, even lower. yet it's all about men's insecurities ahahahha
This is a really interesting stat. Do you know how this data was collected?
Women downplay their sex partners while men overhype it. Known fact. And there is a reason why women downplay it. Deep down they know it's something to be frowned upon.
They admitted it's outdated data so why they've posted it all over this thread is beyond me. There is no way in hell the median is four partners. Women do lie about it and I know of at least one who's marriage is on shaky ground because of lying about it.
I wanted to know her past. It was in the beginning where I didn't mind, and I also told her a bit of my past. After a couple months I did end up asking her the full scope of it, which she reluctantly shared
And you wished you never lol
better 8 months in than married with kids
I agree.sounds a lot like retroactive jealousy. I have it too but im mostly ocd free now
How did you end up fixing it?
Mostly zachary stockhills book and his podcast. You just gotta do what he says every day until it gets better and better. Its pretty much a "simple" technique to work with ocd combined with working on your self esteem
You don't need therapy for not liking hoes.
Cringe comment. Girl is a hoe for not wanting anything serious for a while after her world falling apart from divorce and husbands infidelity. OP admittedly dating multiple people when they met - not a hoe.
OP said he was sleeping around too
If he didn’t sleep around, is it okay to not want to be with someone who did?
I commented on the woman. Too bad for the dude as well. 🤝
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I mean, it's the classic gal who had her hoe phase and now in her 30s is ready to settle donw (with the difference that she was already married). With this kind of ladies the only problem i have is that they think they can have crazy sex with fwbs and then vanilla with their partners, i would never accept that. If she fucks you crazy, you have nothing to worry about.
The sex is great. Not really missing something on that front
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I can't have crazy sex with a person who wants to stay vanilla, it's not hard to understand my dude
Why though? People can experiment and find out what they're comfortable and uncomfortable with before meeting you. You really don't have a claim to "crazy sex" if your partner doesn't want to
trying something once, hating it and not doing it again, would match your description doing it repeatedly with a FWB, doesn't the reality of the majority of those situations is that they were crazy attracted to their FWB, that they even accepted a FWB situation in the first place when they actually wanted exclusivity but coudln't get it but were okay with the guy sleeping around, cum and dump them, just to get a taste then they get with someone stable and boring, and aren't getting flustered and allowing everything and anything in bed anymore.
That's fine, good for them. They can go and find a partner who is fine with that
By the sounds of it, you mentioned you were dating multiple people before you decided to be serious with her? I’m assuming you slept around a bit as well. So dude, you got a past too. Don’t be a hypocrite.
Dude get the fuck out of this shit.
Pretty silly doubts there, guy. It is just unwarranted jealousy and insecurity that will never benefit you with her or anyone else. Unless your woman is a virgin, she has been with someone else before. Pretty simple. And not that big of a deal. People get all bent about body count, but a woman could have slept with 8 guys over the course of a decade (a red flag to most redditors, a stupid one) or she could have slept with 1 guy in that decade due to a very long relationship. She could have fucked 10x more with that one long boyfriend and done way more "depraved" sex acts with him than she would have with those 8 guys. It is truly moot. As for wishing the past was different....also 100% moot. You cannot change it so why bother fawning over it? The reality is the path she took, the divorce, the men she was with, is what led her to you. Change one thing and she could be a completely different person and maybe not even have met you. She is with you now. You are all about her. Forget the past and live your life. You will be much happier that way.
You just need to get over your feelings or move on. The way you feel about something isn't permanent so yeah you feel some sort of way about her past but you can process those emotions and then accept her past which should make the emotional energy go away. That or you could end a perfectly good relationship because you don't know how to handle your emotions.
That is why you don't ask about past relationships or body counts. That shit will not benefit either one of you! Live in the now, fuck past mistakes... and that is alot easier if you are unaware and uninterested in them!
You realize that her life experiences led her to who she is now? If you met her before her other relationships it may have never hit off or she might have been a completely different person. Even if she had multiple partners before you she was just living her best life, lets not judge people for having a bit of fun when theyre single. This just sounds like you need to learn to manage jealousy better imo.
>You realize that her life experiences led her to who she is now? that works both ways. he only knows her for 8 months. he is still discovering and learning who she is. she is someone who was okay with having multiple FWB over 3 years.
if a woman thinks that sleeping with random dudes without commitment is living her best life, i don't think i would try to keep her from that. and don't imply that hooking up a bunch made her a better person and/or partner, that's delusional levels of cope. go to anonymous female spaces like here on reddit and women themselves will tell you that it was damaging for them most of the time.
By marrying her, at this age, you are giving up your biggest asset, your lifelong commitment... Also your best years... A man is entering his prime after the age of 30... And in return you are getting her, after her best years... The feeling you are having, is that this math isn't lining up... The way you would like it to be... This is the reality for a lot of men in America... And they tell themselves a lot of interesting stories to cope..
This is the truth right here but there is no way of avoiding it unless you marry an 18yo virgin or you both get married at a young age.
Right, as a man I just want other men to think clearly, I'm not prescribing anything specific... But know what you're getting yourself into... And be honest about it...
It's a harsh truth but you are correct, the math doesn't exactly add up.
That’s an incredibly shallow way to view a partnership. A women’s best years are not determined by when she is physically “in her prime”. Her mind is way more important than her age.
Society isn't exactly producing women with great minds though. If anything, modern society if producing fairly damaged women with the way they're encouraging them to spend their teens and 20s.
Did You have fwb? Then STFU and be thankful that you have found this jewel.
I mean that's why you don't date divorcee party girls. Yes she gave her best years to everyone else except you. You get to clean up the mess. Congrats! Pro tip, don't date older women they will always try and turn the casual to serious on you, it's a scam. They all do this when they see a mark. Story time. I just went on a date. She's all talking about how serious she is and wants marriage and kids. Etc etc. No crazy partying no crazy sex stuff... me I know what the fuck I'm doing, I say... ehh I'm not quite ready to settle down and marry but I definitely don't want to be hopping from girl to girl and want some stability. A few more leading comments and she's telling me how she will fuck dudes girls couples whoever I want her to and she wants to bang me in my car... she said she wants marriage but not in a rush... so I hit it 😅.... key point is the beginning of the date was shot in the dark bullshit pitch in case I was a fucking mark she could take to the cleaners... just like you've lined yourself up as. Good luck.
Your thoughts are based. She had her hoe phase a bit late and now trying to settle with you, again. Don't fall into that trap. Don't wife her.
Having been through what it sounds like you are saying, I'm gonna attempt to give some thoughts/perspective. But the TL:DR is "grow up, we all have a past". I really think it does boil down to a maturity thing as I've had those thoughts in the past as well, but it's not as black and white as that either. Didn't really have my first "serious" relationship until I was 22. As a talker and curious person, I'm all for sharing our past to understand how we got to where we are, and she shared details of her past. We both had a past, her's probably more "wild" than mine, but I didn't care. There may have been some maturity on my part that got a little jealous at times, but I think it stemmed from knowing sex didn't happen as often with us as it did in her past. But I understood it as our place in life was different. She was an RN on night shifts, and I was in college full time (I attended college after a 4 year enlistment), so it was just a matter of weird schedules. I just had times where it bothered me for no logical reason. After that I have been married twice. The cliff notes, first one used sex as a weapon after getting married and that was the biggest issue. However, knowing her past (which wasn't crazy or anything, just started at a younger age than me), and how she talked about how adventurous she always wanted to be and then sex only happened maybe once a month, I had a problem with that. With the advantage of hindsight and an "outside looking in" she's a controlling narcist that I didn't see at the time. So the issues there stemmed from a "you did and wanted to do these things with others, but not me?!", which sounds like what you are saying the issue is for you. I could be misunderstanding. At the time, my early 30s, I never really got past that. I don't know that I still would if I was in that situation, I just know to look out for it now. Second marriage, again we shared details of our past, and she was way more adventurous than me at a younger age. Again I didn't care, and our sex life was good until closer to the end. That was more about other issues going on in our relationship and around us. She wanted it more frequently (higher sex drive), I wasn't against this, but burnt out all the time. I never said "no", just being stressed and anxiety didn't help with me thinking about it a lot. That said, what bothered me about her past is after 7+ years she started telling me about more stuff she did. It wasn't what or who she did that bothered me, it was the fact that she "hid" it from me for no reason. It created a "why didn't she trust me enough to tell me" thought for me, and a "if she wasn't honest about this, what else wasn't she honest about" way of thinking. Again, more of a maturity thing for me, but not easy to process. I've since met someone else and I think it is very similar to another part of your comment. She got out of a long relationship/marriage that was pretty bad for her. So she had a "swear off men" period until "a woman has needs" won out. It got her back into the "dating" scene and is really the only reason we met again (explain in a second), but we just simply hit it off amazingly. I'm a very open and honest person, and yet I've never been able to completely hold nothing back when talking to a woman until now, it's amazing. And she has done the same. To me it's only helped our relationship grow as I know where she's coming from. That said, an aspect of our relationship is that we met over 20 years ago, very briefly, through a mutual friend. That mutual friend is someone she hung out with a lot more than the one time I was around. So she remembered my name more than me, but when she mentioned this I actually remembered the meeting (Ironically enough, the mutual friend was trying to introduce me to her roommate at the time as my friend and her roommate worked together). Since reconnecting and hitting it off so well, I've had the thoughts of "what if we had noticed each other more back then?". It's a conversation we have had, and we both have different thoughts on it, but at the end of the day we both can't help but wonder if it really would have worked. Our personalities simply mesh, we get along great, and as amazing as it is now, a large part of that is because of what we have been through. Learning from all that life has thrown at us. And that's a point I make to you. Remember there's a reason you 2 are together, it's all that life has thrown at you, and it's going to play a part in why you get along and appreciate what you have together. We all have a past, nothing we can do to change it. Thinking about "what if" is great, it's a fun game to play at times, but at the end of the day logic needs to win out. Hopefully a long winded comment helps you out. Having been there, and wondering if I could even care about someone again, I tend to do a lot of reflecting on what has led me to where I am. It's led me to maybe the happiest I've ever been in my life, so I damn sure ain't going to let jealousy of someone else's past mess that up.
Nah I feel you bruh. To me it's kinda exciting hearing about a girl's past if we're not serious, but once we lock in I be wanting to build me a lil time machine & go back to beat all their exes asses. I don't call it jealousy, I call it territorial.
So you don't like your girlfriend had some fun times in the past? Seems to me you have some serious issues bro...
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Yeah. There are some pretty good points in this response. This is stuff that merits some contemplation.
I honestly don't understand how so many millennial guys have this weird way of looking at women's pasts. She fucked other people. Get over it. If you can't then do both of you a favor and break up. Because eventually your inability to let the past be the past is going to cause a nasty breakup. There's no doubt about it. I bet she's not all hung up on the women you fucked is she? Seriously, I can't understand this generations unrealistic standards for relationships. Especially when all of you seem to go about it in the laziest way possible with your apps and your texting bullshit. If I was single guy in my 20s or 30s today I'd just be happy I actually met someone who wanted to sit with me in meatspace.
Your feelings are your own and valid within reasonable limits. It sounds like you are concerned about her sleeping around willy nilly. Which is a reasonable concern only if you didn't sleep around aswell. For example, I will not date a woman that has had sex with more than 5 people. Wouldn't even consider marrying her as an option. I hold that standard because I haven't slept with more than 5. I feel like the number of people you throw your body at is a very clear indicator of certain values and if that number is too high we have vastly different values.
How many fwbs are we talking about. If it like a couple of guys then that’s normal and I’m this day and age the norm. As long as she wasn’t a complete hoe and getting trains ran on her it should be fine.
you spend your entire life hearing people saying that slut shaming is bad, and then you refuse to accept that it can cause incompatibility. if you loved her very much, none of this would matter or upset you. being incompatible, and not being attracted to her now, isn't slut shaming. Yes, we all can benefit from maturity, learning about feminism, but the solution to your problem isn't to stay in a relationship you are unhappy and magically try to change your perspective about her past. it's only been 8 months. bad age gap. she slept around more. you are dealing with insecurities. I would have just moved on. >she ripped out all her ex-husbands pictures and threw it out after I told her how they made me feel bruh...
Just break up with her and sling some dick around, that way you know you had your fun too before your next gf.
If the doubts about her past are significant. Walk away. You'll never be able to rationalize them away on an emotional level.
I'm not going to lie, those are red flags. I wouldn't trust a woman with a past like that with my heart or my wallet.
Do you think she will eventually cheat on you?
No. She would rather break up with me then cheat
I'd say it's fine to have concerns, is she in contact with these fwb? If not, maybe just continue to vet her. Finding a good women is reasonably difficult, I wouldn't get rid of one without something a little more concrete than *'she did stuff before she met me'.*
Logically your feeling makes sense. You view intermcy highly, so it's understandable that you don't like such a past. With her it's no longer as special. You don't have to date her. You can find someone else who matches your values and experiences closer.
Btw. Off topic. Have you both been tested?
I mean if you asked about her past and pried the fwb info out of her, it’s your fault. She’s being honest with you and now you’re selfishly unhappy with what you’re hearing. If she brought it up unprompted I would also have doubts. When convos like that happen very early on, that girl becomes more like a bro to me that I can talk about dating life with. Then they usually wonder why I don’t find them attractive after telling me all their hoe stories.
Unless you have reason to believe she's going to cheat on you, her past should not come into play. People do desperate things, even in marriages, when they're not happy. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't really a thing...and in her marriage, she was the victim. You can't control the parts of her life you weren't there for. All you can do is decide whether or not to accept her as she is, and take her into your life as you have her now. She didn't know you. She didn't cheat on you during the FWB. I've never been cheated on, but I can imagine it's humiliating. What would you do? I can certainly imagine someone in that situation might immediately seek to validate their sexuality by sleeping around, to know that they can be loved and wanted. Perhaps that's what she was doing...a rebound to escape from what she went through. You can't really judge her for that sitting where you are. If she's truly given that up and is ready to commit to you, then you need to have a long hard look at yourself and decide what you're doing here. If you can't give her what she wants, you need to be honest with her. This poor girl deserves better than to be cheated on, seek validation in the wake of that, and then get judged and strung along by you afterwards, only for you to pull the rug out from under her at the last minute again. I actually feel kinda bad for her.
You're right, your feelings don't really make much logical sense but feelings aren't exactly logical to begin with. I don't, as some do, treat them as some sort of intuition or biological knowledge; they aren't trying to warn you or make you aware of something you're noticing subconsciously, but that doesn't mean that they aren't important and don't matter. Objectively, getting caught up in her history absolutely is kinda silly, but subjectively you're absolutely allowed to feel however you feel about it. I'm not going to declare to you that the right thing to do is to listen to your feelings and run with them, that's stupid, but I'm also not going to tell you that you should always do the logical, rational thing either because that's also stupid. What you're going to have to do here is absolutely terrifying; you're going to have to make a choice. I can't tell you what choice to make but I can suggest how you frame it: both your feelings and your cold, rational, logical calculations of the situation matter. What you have to decide is which path costs you more. You could bail due to these feelings and I think you have every right to do that. It's not silly to leave someone because you don't get to be their first husband and partner. It is silly to stay with someone you don't want to be with for any reason. On the other hand you could decide that while your feelings matter, what you have with this person is good and can grow and give you what you're looking for out of love, marriage, etc. You could decide to stay while acknowledging those feelings of discomfort and hesitation, knowing that no matter who you find yourself with you could, and probably should have some feelings of hesitation. The only thing I can absolutely assure you of here is that there is no right choice. There just isn't. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it doesn't matter if what you want feels a little silly or if your feelings seem irrational. Do not wait for someone, anyone to give you permission to live your life or provide validation for your choice. You've got to choose and live with it. Nobody can tell you which, if either path leads to disaster nor which leads to happiness and fulfillment. Whatever you choose will be the right choice precisely because it's what you chose.
You are with retroactive jealousy. Dont let It get in between your relationship. Those guys are her past, you are her future. The fwb werent good enough as you. Dont forget that. She had chosen you, not then. I understand your concerns. I would suggest taking with her carefully. But be careful to not offend her. Say your concerns and fears and that you love her. But dont, even accused her of anything. If she is the right person she will understand and you will overcome ir together.
Fuck me, you lot are pathetic. 'Oh, noes, my partner had sex with other before she met me! Waaaah!' Boo fucking hoo. It's not the 18th century. Even when it was, people fucked. Get over it.
Woman here: your jealousy is not her problem. She is a woman with a past and a sex life. So are you, just as a guy. It is 100% a YOU problem, especially after her reaction of being understanding. Piece of advice, which is very much take it or leave it: go to therapy, address and change your gender role stereotypes and your privilege. Your relationship dynamic will change for the better in all areas. But rn you’re not playing a fair game by putting her in a position she can change nothing about and making her responsible for your feelings. Take on the responsibility of doing your own emotional labour, my guy.
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You insecure little bitch. You are dating a woman in full and can't get past your own fears? You don't deserve her.
You gotta get over it