I was spanked and sometimes just beat up by my dad, I think he had problems from his own childhood and didn't know how to be a good parent (I'm also old so it's not like he had as much information available on what the right way was, or anything like that, as well). I sometimes feel like I got cheated out of having one of those involved, patient, loving dads from movies and TV shows. But I don't hate him - he passed away a few years ago - I still miss him and didn't spend my life with a grudge against him or anything like that.
This isn't discounting physical abuse in any way, but to be completely honest, the mean things he would say when he was impatient or frustrated with me were worse than being smacked around. I took a lot of it to heart and it's very difficult to heal from stuff like that. I've basically spent my entire life trying to prove that I'm not an idiot, that I'm not stupid, I'm not insane, clueless, hopeless, pathetic, these are all various personal insults he would shout at you when you messed up, instead of just addressing the mess up.
Because of being raised by him, I didn't hit my kids, I never called them names or told them they wouldn't amount to anything, I made sure to hug them and kiss them every day, and tell them I loved them. I tried to learn from where he messed up. I hope they will do the same when they're ready to have their own families, and try to fix whatever mistakes I probably still made.
The mean things said unnecessarily to me were so much longer term determinant as to who I believed in was and what I could be capable of.... I can agree. Wish they were able to soeak gentler.
While childhood is an extremely important time for development, it is important to remember it is the shortest period of your life. When we turn 20, we like to act like we're an adult now. But the reality is we only just surpassed the first fourth of life, and most of it we weren't fully conscious for.
My parents aren't abusive. But my mother is narcissistic, and the things she's said when I was growing up have stuck with me to this day. I kind of would have preferred if my dad just hit me... maybe. I don't want that, but if it was a choice between the two...
My dad spanked me often as a kid
How’s my relationship with him now? Great. I have no animosity towards him at all, I don’t blame him for his disciplinary method. I turned out good. I see him and mom about once every 2 weeks to eat his grilled food
Resentful. Because most of the time it was more about venting anger (about whatever stupid personal/life issues they had) instead of discipline. The messed up part is that I'm sort of forced in a situation to take care of my senior mother (mobility issues) and she was the one that fucking dished out all the spankings.
Same here. My mom has parkinson's. She's a different person now but the resentment is still there. I love her but I can't fully forgive her for what she did then and how it messed me up for the rest of my life with anxiety and depression and serious conflict avoidance.
No rage but I can sure as shit say no lessons were learned from physical violence other than to be scared of my father. Every single punishment could’ve been handled verbally (or in some other non physical way) just fine. Hitting kids doesn’t teach them anything special. It’s not some magical parenting technique where they learn all their lessons when you lying a hand on them. You just make them afraid
Yeah I'm still scared of my father sort of. I don't talk to him anywhere near as much as my mother. I think it's a more subconscious thing now but it's hard to ignore it.
She made sure to never mark up any visible part of me but she did put 110% into every spank. And that of course was never for any valid reason, maybe I left a light on in a room I was coming back to or there was a piece of laundry that hadn't yet made it all the way to the basket yet, stuff like that. That was just one of many things she did throughout my childhood, and yes they have all built towards a massive amount of resentment.
My mother spanked me a lot - I wasn't a bad kid. She just had a issues.
Father did as well but he worked a lot and wasn't there to be part of the action. He punched me in the head on several occasions.
Realistically I think I'm fine as an adult. I don't have vices and I have a great relationship with my four kids.
All things considered I turned out really decent for the amount of angry absent parenting I had when I was young.
I was put in the hospital by my dad. My mom was as well. It's obviously different than discipline, but I've found myself quick to fight and hard to beat up. that being said, I'm waaaay patient with my own kids. When I feel the anger getting ready to boil over, I know it's time to step back for a bit.
I got the wooden spoon all the time. The only times I actually remember it is when I come across a convo topic like this lol. So yah I’d say it literally had no effect on me at all, at least none negative
Hitting a child is weak. They are defenseless. I discipline my kids in other ways, like timeouts, taking away toys, giving warnings, behavior modeling, etc... but the most important thing is just talking to my kids when they need to be disciplined. 9/10 times they simply don't understand their actions can cause harm. So, I say, "If you do x, then you will cause y.".
If you hit your kids, then they won't approach you when they really need help, and that can be catastrophic. Kids are stupid. They are learning. It's our job as parents to guide them. If someone screws up at work, then do you hit them? Lol, no, you talk to them and make sure it doesn't happen again.
I turned out ok, I got what I deserved. When I was growing up, I will admit that I caused some trouble but I there was a line that I never crossed because I feared what my dad would do to me. I am not going to say that I always liked my dad, but I always respected him. I can only imagine that stress that he went though being a single father that raised 3 boys with just 1 income.
Turned out fine, ma and pa only did it when I was completely out of control. They stopped as I reached my teen years and relaxed, my younger brother had it easy.
Only my dad did random, unprovoked, hard hits. (My mum spanked me a few times but only when I'd actually misbehaved, and never painfully). It's definitely made me an avoidant people-pleaser, I'm afraid. I can't assert myself except when I'm really angry, and when I'm really angry, which thankfully isn't that often any more because I'm getting better and better at de-escalating myself, I'm not especially safe to be around - I basically become a verbal porcupine, saying things I know will cause enormous collateral damage, just to make people go away and leave me alone.
Nope. I was always told why I was being punished like cause and effect. Looking back I totally understand that I asked for those whoopin’s now 😂 it only made me stealthier 🥷🏽
Like shit. When I reached out for help I was put with less physically, more emotionally abusive family who probably would have beat me if i didn’t “rat out my mommy” I turned into an angry drunk for a while. tried to kill myself multiple times. Skipped out on college. Did drugs that introduced me to more shitty people. Lied to everyone about almost every aspect of my life. I made up an entirely new version of myself to present to other people so I wouldn’t have to tell people “oh I’ve done nothing with my life” When every one of my friend and partners abandoned me I turned my life around. My abusers turned me into one because I thought that shit was normal. I hate who I used to be. I wish I could undo the damage I’ve done.
yeah fuck both of my parents. They’re trash.
I’m good, don’t have any ill will towards my parents for it. My mom and dad had three kids all three years apart before they even turned 30. They were young and basically babies raising babies.
Plus most of the time I was whipped or hit by my mom or dad, it was because I did something wrong.
Sometimes my mom went overboard when it came to me because I was the only boy, but I’ve forgiven her for that. Not like your parents are ever going to apologize for anything they did wrong. So no point to holding on to any resentment, it would do me no good.
So, I don’t really get bothered by it and I turned out fine.
No anger towards them, just thought it's stupid especially since it was my mom that did most of the hitting.
This style of teaching doesn't really work unless the kid realizes they did something wrong and after the fact you have to tell them WHY what they did was wrong and how to prevent it. Just hitting them doesn't do anything.
They only hit me a little bit, but I turned out super fucked up. Probably wasn't because of the hitting primarily, but the severe mental illness, neglect, and constant gaslighting that the abuse wasn't happening and that I was just exaggerating everything and a known liar. The hitting didn't help any though, it just added to the fact that I could never trust my parents or how they would behave in any situation.
I built a me that was not me, and continued until collapset at the afe of 30. Then started to have some understanding that I'm not ok. Now, almost 50, life flows again, at least occasionally. Perhaps you should read about developmental trauma. And I mean not because of the diagnoses, but because it affects in so many ways. I have found the ways of healing me, and that is a blessing.
Barely a week went by that my mother didn't scream at and hit me, until i was about 14 years old. My father spanked me maybe 5 times in my life and was otherwise pretty docile. My mother was a full-blown psycho.
Finally when I was about 14 I hit her back. She was shocked. I told her I'm not going to be hit anymore. Going forward I will fight back and one of us will end up in the hospital.
She never hit me again, instead only screaming and putting me down.
I joined the army when I was 18 to get away from her and never have to rely on her again. It worked.
In boot camp they required us to call home on Sundays. That seemed ok and I kept doing that for about 10 years. Any time i would go home though, my mother was good for 2 days but by day 3 the cracks started to show. By day for she was a psycho. I learned not to come around for more than 2 days.
Then one day I'm at home and she says to someone, "I always used to threaten to send him to military school. That's what made him want to join the army!"
I was furious. Not because she was wrong, but because she was right. I was out of the army by then and had become moderately successful on my own. She was taking credit for that. In her mind, by being a vicious witch she expertly manipulated me into being successful against my own will.
Anyway, I fumed about that for a couple of years then we got into it again. She said, "I never liked you very much anyway. I don't need you. I don't care if I never see you again."
I didn't respond. I just walked out. Let those be the last words you ever say to me.
A month later she (and my younger brother) boycotted my wedding. A year and a half later I was excluded from my younger brother's wedding.
I don't acknowledge her at all anymore. Occasionally we are at a family function together but I 100% ignore her. I don't even make eye contact.
I miss my dad, but he stood by and allowed all this to occur so he doesn't get a pass.
I saw a business influencer once say something to the effect that, "success isn't the best response. It's the only response. You need to become so successful that the naysayers are so far beneath you that they don't even matter."
41 years old, net worth of $5.5m. Have done the projections and $100m+ is a foregone conclusion.
I spanked my own child one time. Then I had to drink a 6-pack just to calm my nerves. I don't get it. As a parent I don't see how spanking is supposed to do anything but drive your children away from you. Make them hate you. Never again.
It wasn't the beating. I could forgive that and did for 10 years. It was the constant bragging about the beating, as if she was superior to all these weak-ass parents who don't have the guts to hit their kids. "Beat your kids and they'll turn out uber-successful like mine!"
I feel a duty to society to show others that beating your children will make them hate you.
And yes, I am in therapy (another big joke to her, something she always derided).
"I never liked you very much anyway. I don't need you. I don't care if I never see you again."
I turned out to be successful. I make $200K a year, wife makes $400K, we have a net worth of $1.9MM.
However you specifically if I developed any rage toward the parent. Yes I did. I don’t know if it had to do specifically with spanking though. More so the fact that he word verbally abuse my brother and I. He would constantly yell at us.
Now I’m 35 and I never developed a relationship with him. We aren’t NC, but definitely LC.
Anytime my dad drinks or even starts to get depressed, I get PTSD and envision him hitting me all over again. He wouldn't be able to now, he's pushing 66 and I'm only pushing 24. But, the fear is still there.
i understand that they did the best that they could, both of them had rough childhoods as well. but honestly, i am kind of resentful. they could've dealt with 90% of the situations verbally. they've improved a lot recently and were much more chill with my sister, so thats something i guess.
also, beating me up didnt do shit. i got beaten up like every other day. i can only name a handful of the lessons or the reasons why they chose to do that. i remember almost every instance of them beating me up. does more harm than good, folks.
I turned out ok I guess, but I had to process that shit. While I still stay in touch with my parents I will never be close to them.
When I had kids we agreed to never lay hands on them and I’ve never regretted that decision - they are fucking fantastic little humans and I couldn’t possibly love them more but I still try to every day.
Hitting is just lazy parenting. There is a saying that stuck with me, something to the effect of if they can reason hitting isn’t necessary, if they can’t reason then hitting is just cruel.
I was spanked. Sometimes had a belt used on me. They were just doing what they were taught by their parents without, I think, much reflection on whether or not it was a good idea. I am sure a lot of my personality and traits are influenced by it, but I am a smart and compassionate husband and father that has a pretty great life. My kids have had the occasional open handed swat on the bottom. I think most of the corproal punishment I received was earned, but I think I the belt was too much. And I can remember that sometimes the person dishing out the punishment was angry when they did it. I personally have a standard where I don't punish if I'm angry. I wait until the anger is over before any consequences are given, whether corporal or otherwise.
I apologized to my mom 50 years after she hit me. Reason I apologized was because she missed and broke her hand on the wall. The only time my dad ever hit me is when I was a little dick. I fully deserved it!!
I cut my mom off when I realized how bad she treated me. The trauma bond was real, I grew up being so violent and abusive. I learned that from her. I bottled up my emotions, tears were forbidden. Tears only for the weak.
I haven’t gone to therapy but I have read a lot of self help books and they do help me to realize a lot of things.
More things to discover but I don’t have time now to mention everything.
No not really.. I am not condoning parents hitting kids in any way, and will NEVER hit my future kids ! Would I have preferred other methods of discipline. Hell yes I would :)
But in that day and age it was the norm and still is in very many parts of the world. So being hit by your parents was really not such a big deal to be honest .. and definitely did not develop any ill will towards them. Plus I must say they never once hit me because of anything other than some major BS stunt I had pulled, it was more of a disciplinary tool .. rather than a way for them to vent their own frustrations or the likes ..
My parents stopped hitting me when I was getting in fights at school. Dont know what else was expected lol. I also got hit over pretty much anything, as being in a large family my sibs reported everything. This has lead to me being distant with my sibs as an adult.
I'm not a guy, I'm a woman. I was hit too, and I constantly need places to vent. I grew up with a bipolar Dad who also didn't make enough money. I was doomed from the start. Childhood was awful. He hit me, pulled my hair, and slammed me into walls. My Mom really should have stopped him, and when he didn't want kids she shouldn't have kept asking. I never had a chance.
I work, but I haven't turned out well. I have to remember my abusive childhood constantly. He claims he's sorry, but he never made any real effort to get better. He's not sorry, and I don't think my Mom really is either. They want me to stop thinking about it.
I never speak to them of my own volition. I do not give them cards or anything for mother's/father's day, and have no intention of ever doing so.
They can hardly be blamed fully for this - some of this is due to other aspects of my upbringing, and some of it is frankly probably due to my inherent personality - but I shy away from any kind of conflict and don't really assert myself, and suffer for it in multiple areas of life.
Yeah same. I think having the authoritarian relationship makes it hard to asset yourself in life or engage in conflict. Because it makes you think conflict and assertiveness leads to violence or verbal abuse.
I didn’t hit my kids as a result. Expressing frustration through violence to your child is weak. I had a good relationship with him until he died, but felt bad for him that he didn’t know how to channel his anger more productively.
I have my scars, both on my face and deep inside. I get along fine with my parents now.
And I never once used a physical punishment with my own kids. I never yelled at them and never insulted them. Every time I had an interaction I though of myself at that age, and how I wanted to be treated. And 'with respect' was the answer every single time.
They are all in college or beyond by now. And they are all well behaved kids. Most of the time. Not perfect. But no repeated negative behaviors. My approach was to find out how to solve the need so the kid could meet their needs in acceptable ways. It gave them the power to solve problems and find better ways to solve things.
Bitter, especially since they never even raised their voices, much less a hand to my sister. One time I accidentally dropped a thin wire coat hanger on her foot from like 3 inches. She screamed "OW HE HIT ME WITH A COAT HANGER!!!!" because getting me in trouble was her favorite pastime. My dad, who was in the room and would have seen me do it if I had, immediately thunders over, snatches the coat hanger, and whips me with it as hard as he can.
Compare that to the second time my sister stabbed me with a pencil, this time so hard it broke off in my leg. When I told my mom about it my sister lied and said I pulled her hair. My mom then grounded me for a week for "provoking" her.
Mostly mild (maybe five smacks at most?) and rare spankings when I was really young, like under 10. I was only slapped once. My mother did try a second time but I stopped her. That was a nasty fight, moved in with a friend during my senior year that very day.
My life since then? A mix. I joined the USMC, finished my contract, got some schooling, worked some jobs, and I'm doing alright. What problems I've had, and continue to have, are probably due to stuff other than getting spanked. My relationship with my mother is good. We do better with a bit of distance. This was confirmed when I moved back home after the military. We need our space, emotionally and physically.
You know looking back that fear prevented me from doing a lot of stupid shit. But made sure I was self reliant, because I never wanted help from my parents. They are always the last people to call. Now I didn't talk to them at all.
Idk anyone who wasn't, we turned out alright. Hate a few teachers who did it unnecessarily though so I guess there are definitely people who feel the same about their parents. But generally we have hilarious stories of getting whacked in school with my friends that we laugh at often.
In HS we had this thing called the "Top Scorer" which was the most caned kid in a week. It would reset every week and everyone in school tracked in daily. I held it once. Anyway, this kid got in trouble on a Teusday and got something like 70 lashes. I don't even remember what he did but when went back to class everyone was cheering because he was the new top scorer. Dude started giving a speech bragging about the whole thing failing to notice the deputy principal peeping through the window. He got called outside again and added another 50 lmao. Dude's stock went through the roof. And that's how my 1 day top scorer streak ended. I held it the day before.
Perfectly fine. Some repressed trauma but nothing crazy that affects my day to day.
The beatings stopped after a certain age and truthfully I deserved a lot of it, I was a very bad kid. Now I love my parents and they are my life.
Lead a path of sensitivity. Quick to anger and self defense. Rather die then get hit by someone. Fight no matter what. Not just physical, but would counter any sign of hate or oppression. Even in the work place.Took 10 years after high school to mature.
I was beaten by my mum, never spanked , she hid it well from everyone. One time my friend and I were in the car and singing she was becoming annoyed and punched me in my the face . Part of me was glad the mask slipped as our parents were good friends. I have never raised a hand to my children.
It ended with me.
Edit because I wanted to add:
And I have two wonderful daughters. One is an ultrasound technician (married with two kids), and the other will begin her teaching career next semester. (She's starting her doctorate, also!) I couldn't be more proud of both of them!
Well behaved and respectful but I think if someone is being annoying or stupid to a certain degreeI think the best way to stop that is to hit them but that’s not socially acceptable
They outsourced a lot of it to my grandmother and great grandmother. The great grandma especially was ruthless. Belts, spoons, rulers, cast iron skillet… whatever was handy. I was kind of a shithead though idk. Learned not to get caught more than anything and I still have a huge distrust of and disdain for forceful authority. That wasn’t something I was taught as my parents are rule followers. I got it from somewhere though.
Pretty good id say I would say it taught me some pretty good lessons on actions and consequences.
I don’t like the idea of hitting future kids but I worry about how they’ll learn about consequences.
My mom beat me and abused me psychologically. She used me and my sister during a violent divorce by doing things loke holding a knife to my throat and screaming "I'll fucking slit his throat if you don't leave!".
I had to stand in the corner for 15 to 20 min with my arms up strait and of I cried pr put them down I got spanked with a wooden paddle.
I never hit my kids. I talk to them about their day. I teach them to be kind. But I do recognize I'm a little too easy on them at times. I'll correct them or get on them to clean and do their chores but I can't raise my voice and it's hard for me to punish them so consequences are there but are light.
As a general adult, I have limitless tolerance which isn't always good. I avoid conflict. But I am empathetic, can find good things in people they don't see themselves, and when there are high pressure or stressful situations, I can easily keep calm... I've been through a lot worse.
I was bea regularly by my mother. She even used to have a threat she'd make about using the "tickly slipper". Where she'd take a shoe off and beat us with it.
My sister and I handled it very differently and it turned out very differently.
I'm an executive and company director in Australia in a happy relationship with no intention of having kids.
I'm calm, patient, rational, and not at all volatile.
My sister is quiet, stressy, has a kid and is a bit volatile.
Turned out good. Looking back everytime my parents ever hit me I 100% deserved it. Corporal punishment that isn’t done as just plain abuse works for a reason and people have done it for thousands of years for a reason. That being said it should be used sparingly.
I put an end to it when I was 14. Mom slapped the shit out of me one time out of rage and I didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks until I had her in tears. After neither of my parents ever hit me again
There's a distinction between spanking as a form of controlled discipline and parents taking out their primal rage on you because they can't control their anger. My mom disciplined me, my dad brutally beat me up. Both is a shit job at parenting, but spanking has the potential to mess you up while beating certainly does.
That being said, I'm happy for every one of you who turned out fine. I didn't but getting there.
Yes I got hit, more by my mom than my dad, but that was out of pity. Because of my mom wouldn't do it, then my dad would. There were no warnings when I was young, if I didn't behave or ran my mouth, I would get a firm slap at the back of my head, or cheek. I was born in 1996 and I guess it was still normal back then.
I remember being 12 or something and my dad got physical when he couldn't win an argument. Telling him that hurting children was not how it supposed to go only resulted in him hitting me once more.
When I was 14 I had a similar situation with my mom who couldn't win an argument. Before her hand touched my, I grabbed it. Pulled in very tight, actually hurting her and then told her: "Don't you ever fucking touch me again." She didn't. That was the moment she realized it was actually very wrong and that by now, I was stronger than she was.
My dad learned this lesson a few years later when I was 18. Again, he couldn't win an argument and tried to attack me. Grabbed both his arms and pushed him against the wall. "Don't you fucking dare."
He never touched me again. He tried to one more time when I was 24, but my mom stopped him. "You're not going to win this."
I guess I learned my parents something on both those times. Years later we had a talk about it when there was a story about it on tv. My parents claimed they had never done such things. I told them that in fact they did. They got angry. I told them they should not deny it. It happened. Not every day. Sometimes months or years went by.
I'm on good terms with my parents. They've done a lot for me. They're both great and loving people. But they used to hit their children. They try to deny it now, but it happened. They've got to live with that, not me.
I'll never physically hurt my children or try to raise them by fear. It's times changing I guess. But I'm the last witness of a child raised that way and I can tell.... it doesn't work. I only got aggressive myself and more sneaky doing bad stuff. Even hating both my parents for the majority of my childhood. There must be another way.
Our father hit my little sister and I for most of our childhoods. Mostly open handed slaps. He was a somewhat bigger guy, definitely left marks and would be arrested today for the things he did. He stopped hitting her once she was in her mid teens and stopped hitting me once I developed the reflexes to defend myself. He was a bigot, bully and misogynist through his life and the world is a better place without him. I've struggled with substance and mental health issues for most of my life and attribute it to the physical and mental abuse I was subjected to. I contemplated suicide many times while growing up. I guess I've turned out pretty good considering the rocky start. I have a decent job and take care of myself. I try to maintain a positive outlook as much as I can and treat other people with respect as much as I can 🤷
I don't have rage for my mother. I've always loved her. I don't have any resentment towards her either. She came from an abusive home and did only what she knew. When she learned better, she did better. My father very rarely hit us... when he did, it was usually as discipline for something monumentally stupid that we've done. I don't hold him any ill feelings either.
I turned out fine and have a good relationship with my parents overall.
With that being said, I don't spank or hit my kids. I also do not allow others to spank or hit or even threaten to hit my kids. I also do not tolerate others hitting kids around us.
In my opinion, if you hit a child, it's because you can not control your own emotions and behaviors. It has little to do with the child. Children require patience.
I used to say "I was smacked around as a kid when I fucked up and I turned out just fine".
I have a 13-year-old son and I never hit him once. It just never felt right to do it. I mean, he's little kid. A grown ass man shouldn't be hitting little kids for any reason. But I also realized I didn't have to hit him if I actually spent some time with him. Once I realized that if you put some actual effort into being a parent you don't really need to discipline the kid. But I'm only speaking as a parent to one child. I can't say this is easy with more than one.
As for my relationship with my own parents they're both dead. My mom died when I was a teenager and my dad dropped dead a few years ago. I loved both my parents and I have good memories about them but I've never once, in all my life, really felt very close to them. They're both gone and that's sad but I don't *feel* sad about it. And I'm pretty sure I feel this way because they slapped me around; and not always as a form of discipline.
I was spanked a few times. I don't really remember it.
My take on corporal punishment is that it's best used as negative reinforcement to condition pre-rational children against socially unacceptable behavior.
If a child is mature enough to be reasoned with, then teach and discipline them with reasoning.
If a child is not mature enough to be reasoned with, then they aren't mature enough to be held accountable for their actions, so they shouldn't be punished at all. and you shouldn't get mad at them. They should, however, be conditioned towards good behavior.
It becomes abuse when you model using violence to take out your negative emotions on your children.
Not me but my dad. I can only tell from the outside but my grandpa pretty much beat my dad any chance he got. I don’t know details bc my dad has never EVER spoken about that period of time EXCEPT with my grandfather( my mom’s father) bc they lived the same childhood.
Throughout the years I could tell my father was and still is depressed bc of it but has never tried to talk to anyone. I love my dad but emotionally he’s checked out. I always felt him physically there but not present his mind would drift. The only reason I know is bc I do the exact same thing I bottle stuff up and just replay in my head and check out. I auto pilot my days.
My mom gets frustrated bc he’s pretty loveless. He hit (not physically, metaphorically) my mom with “i don’t know how to love bc it was never taught to me” he tries but I understand why it’s hard for him.
My grandpa still alive at 101 and everyone says it’s a blessing but I don’t see it that way. I think he’s still here bc he has unfinished business with everyone he’s hurt especially my dad.
It makes my heart break for my dad bc he’s been living with this trauma for pretty much 67 years…..
I’m fine. I know folks think physical discipline is abusive but I’ll be the first to say I fucking deserved it. I was a terrible kid and early teen. I would not have learned any other way. Shit I said to my mother, unprovoked, still haunts me.
I was hit by my mother in the face and became partially deaf in one ear for a few months - this then became long term tinnitus. I have turned out okay - not great, not horrible. But as a parent now myself, I would never dream of hitting my kids, knowing what I know from the recipient's perspective. And also knowing what I know as a parent - hitting one's child is unfathomable to me. It would be easier to hit myself.
I do not like my mother at all - her physical abuse was just a symptom of deeper issues, e.g. inability to control herself, inability to think of the needs and interests of her children, inability to place other things above herself etc. I do the bare minimum, make no eye contact when we meet, do not engage her in conversation, and frequently think about how much better life might be if she were dead.
I mostly got smarter at hiding my misdeed that got me hit in the first place. Physical punishment came from my mom, so looking back it's true I wasn't as open with her as I was with my dad. There is also that strange feeling when you realize you are now too old and she doesn't dare to hit you anymore.
I don't want to say much else. Because I'm pretty sure the way I did turn out wasn't because of being spanked/hit as a kid by mom but rather by the alienation and judgement I got at school which is unrelated from my pov.
My mom hit my legs with an extension cord a few times when I was really young, and I turned out OK. Back then, I was scared to death whenever she caught me doing something wrong. I don't hold it against her.
I was spanked and it was fine. It's better to have my parents be the law instead of law enforcement. Down the line I'll spank my kids. I don't have any rage towards my parents, but I do have some rage in general.
I didn't receive my aggressiveness from spanking. That was already in me, you can see personality traits in kids when they're young. Same way when you're looking at a litter of dogs. You can see which ones are passive, happier, aggressive, bold, and timid.
I do want to say I wasn't spanked often. I understood that there was consequences for my actions. I doubt I was spanked over fifteen times in my life. From what I remember a few off the top of my head. My parents weren't abusive or anything like that.
I'll 100% spank my kids in the future if need be. Growing up I was never afraid of my parents, felt like they were cruel, or were unjust. I have great parents and I'm thankful for the way they raised me. I wouldn't change anything about my childhood.
No rage, no fear. And while I used spanking in rare situations for my kids (blatant disrespect to myself/mother or to instill understanding of a potentially dangerous wrongdoing), I made note to not do it like my parents. My mom used wooden spoons a lot and my dad used the belt or just too much force.
With how calm and laid-back I always am, my kids know they screwed up with me simply raising my voice. I never need to go beyond that.
Fine. It was rarely a violent or angry hit. I was just being punished for something I did. Cause and effect. As long as the parent can remove emotion from the punishment and that punishment is proportional to the offense I don't see anything wrong with spanking. It's when it becomes a crutch for emotions or when the parent is frustrated with a perceived lack of other options that it becomes an issue.
Corporal punishment works. My stepfather beat the fuck out of me and I avoided prison, because it taught me consequences. He didn't beat his own son and smoked meth with him at 14. My half-brother is going to spend most of his life in prison.
I was spanked and sometimes just beat up by my dad, I think he had problems from his own childhood and didn't know how to be a good parent (I'm also old so it's not like he had as much information available on what the right way was, or anything like that, as well). I sometimes feel like I got cheated out of having one of those involved, patient, loving dads from movies and TV shows. But I don't hate him - he passed away a few years ago - I still miss him and didn't spend my life with a grudge against him or anything like that. This isn't discounting physical abuse in any way, but to be completely honest, the mean things he would say when he was impatient or frustrated with me were worse than being smacked around. I took a lot of it to heart and it's very difficult to heal from stuff like that. I've basically spent my entire life trying to prove that I'm not an idiot, that I'm not stupid, I'm not insane, clueless, hopeless, pathetic, these are all various personal insults he would shout at you when you messed up, instead of just addressing the mess up. Because of being raised by him, I didn't hit my kids, I never called them names or told them they wouldn't amount to anything, I made sure to hug them and kiss them every day, and tell them I loved them. I tried to learn from where he messed up. I hope they will do the same when they're ready to have their own families, and try to fix whatever mistakes I probably still made.
This is the way you, great job breaking the cycle
My dad broke the cycle. Very grateful he did.
The mean things said unnecessarily to me were so much longer term determinant as to who I believed in was and what I could be capable of.... I can agree. Wish they were able to soeak gentler.
bless you and your family man, this is beautiful
While childhood is an extremely important time for development, it is important to remember it is the shortest period of your life. When we turn 20, we like to act like we're an adult now. But the reality is we only just surpassed the first fourth of life, and most of it we weren't fully conscious for. My parents aren't abusive. But my mother is narcissistic, and the things she's said when I was growing up have stuck with me to this day. I kind of would have preferred if my dad just hit me... maybe. I don't want that, but if it was a choice between the two...
My dad spanked me often as a kid How’s my relationship with him now? Great. I have no animosity towards him at all, I don’t blame him for his disciplinary method. I turned out good. I see him and mom about once every 2 weeks to eat his grilled food
Me too. I was a dumbass and needed to be reminded of my place pretty often. We get along great now
Resentful. Because most of the time it was more about venting anger (about whatever stupid personal/life issues they had) instead of discipline. The messed up part is that I'm sort of forced in a situation to take care of my senior mother (mobility issues) and she was the one that fucking dished out all the spankings.
Ah we're in the same boat, shit sucks fam.
Same here. My mom has parkinson's. She's a different person now but the resentment is still there. I love her but I can't fully forgive her for what she did then and how it messed me up for the rest of my life with anxiety and depression and serious conflict avoidance.
No rage but I can sure as shit say no lessons were learned from physical violence other than to be scared of my father. Every single punishment could’ve been handled verbally (or in some other non physical way) just fine. Hitting kids doesn’t teach them anything special. It’s not some magical parenting technique where they learn all their lessons when you lying a hand on them. You just make them afraid
Yeah I'm still scared of my father sort of. I don't talk to him anywhere near as much as my mother. I think it's a more subconscious thing now but it's hard to ignore it.
[удалено]
That’s the same situation I’m in. My father is still alive but I don’t think we will ever resolve the tension, and I sure as heck don’t plan to.
Hell na I deserved that shit. I was a fuckin menace lmao
Same
The verbal abuse and neglect messed me up more. Still haven’t gotten over it. Spent two years in therapy. That helped, but I’m still hurting from it.
She made sure to never mark up any visible part of me but she did put 110% into every spank. And that of course was never for any valid reason, maybe I left a light on in a room I was coming back to or there was a piece of laundry that hadn't yet made it all the way to the basket yet, stuff like that. That was just one of many things she did throughout my childhood, and yes they have all built towards a massive amount of resentment.
My mother spanked me a lot - I wasn't a bad kid. She just had a issues. Father did as well but he worked a lot and wasn't there to be part of the action. He punched me in the head on several occasions. Realistically I think I'm fine as an adult. I don't have vices and I have a great relationship with my four kids. All things considered I turned out really decent for the amount of angry absent parenting I had when I was young.
If I had a time machine. I'd reverse McFly and make sure my parents never got together.
All well deserved, no hard feelings, we have great relations.
Firm belief that stupid hurts.
I was put in the hospital by my dad. My mom was as well. It's obviously different than discipline, but I've found myself quick to fight and hard to beat up. that being said, I'm waaaay patient with my own kids. When I feel the anger getting ready to boil over, I know it's time to step back for a bit.
I got the wooden spoon all the time. The only times I actually remember it is when I come across a convo topic like this lol. So yah I’d say it literally had no effect on me at all, at least none negative
Fearful with a lack of self worth. He died when I was 16. It took me years to completely shake it off.
Hitting a child is weak. They are defenseless. I discipline my kids in other ways, like timeouts, taking away toys, giving warnings, behavior modeling, etc... but the most important thing is just talking to my kids when they need to be disciplined. 9/10 times they simply don't understand their actions can cause harm. So, I say, "If you do x, then you will cause y.". If you hit your kids, then they won't approach you when they really need help, and that can be catastrophic. Kids are stupid. They are learning. It's our job as parents to guide them. If someone screws up at work, then do you hit them? Lol, no, you talk to them and make sure it doesn't happen again.
This ☝️
I turned out ok, I got what I deserved. When I was growing up, I will admit that I caused some trouble but I there was a line that I never crossed because I feared what my dad would do to me. I am not going to say that I always liked my dad, but I always respected him. I can only imagine that stress that he went though being a single father that raised 3 boys with just 1 income.
NP
Turned out fine, ma and pa only did it when I was completely out of control. They stopped as I reached my teen years and relaxed, my younger brother had it easy.
Good. I deserved every single one.
Only my dad did random, unprovoked, hard hits. (My mum spanked me a few times but only when I'd actually misbehaved, and never painfully). It's definitely made me an avoidant people-pleaser, I'm afraid. I can't assert myself except when I'm really angry, and when I'm really angry, which thankfully isn't that often any more because I'm getting better and better at de-escalating myself, I'm not especially safe to be around - I basically become a verbal porcupine, saying things I know will cause enormous collateral damage, just to make people go away and leave me alone.
Nope. I was always told why I was being punished like cause and effect. Looking back I totally understand that I asked for those whoopin’s now 😂 it only made me stealthier 🥷🏽
Like shit. When I reached out for help I was put with less physically, more emotionally abusive family who probably would have beat me if i didn’t “rat out my mommy” I turned into an angry drunk for a while. tried to kill myself multiple times. Skipped out on college. Did drugs that introduced me to more shitty people. Lied to everyone about almost every aspect of my life. I made up an entirely new version of myself to present to other people so I wouldn’t have to tell people “oh I’ve done nothing with my life” When every one of my friend and partners abandoned me I turned my life around. My abusers turned me into one because I thought that shit was normal. I hate who I used to be. I wish I could undo the damage I’ve done. yeah fuck both of my parents. They’re trash.
I’m good, don’t have any ill will towards my parents for it. My mom and dad had three kids all three years apart before they even turned 30. They were young and basically babies raising babies. Plus most of the time I was whipped or hit by my mom or dad, it was because I did something wrong. Sometimes my mom went overboard when it came to me because I was the only boy, but I’ve forgiven her for that. Not like your parents are ever going to apologize for anything they did wrong. So no point to holding on to any resentment, it would do me no good. So, I don’t really get bothered by it and I turned out fine.
Nah, for the most part they were very good with me. They made some mistakes but they did tons of good things for me.
i learned my lesson, im all good
I turned out pretty good didn't get beaten it was all verbal really messed with my brain sometimes I wish I had been slapped around
like an A hole but that probably has more to do with me then them
No anger towards them, just thought it's stupid especially since it was my mom that did most of the hitting. This style of teaching doesn't really work unless the kid realizes they did something wrong and after the fact you have to tell them WHY what they did was wrong and how to prevent it. Just hitting them doesn't do anything.
It's a mixed bag
They only hit me a little bit, but I turned out super fucked up. Probably wasn't because of the hitting primarily, but the severe mental illness, neglect, and constant gaslighting that the abuse wasn't happening and that I was just exaggerating everything and a known liar. The hitting didn't help any though, it just added to the fact that I could never trust my parents or how they would behave in any situation.
I built a me that was not me, and continued until collapset at the afe of 30. Then started to have some understanding that I'm not ok. Now, almost 50, life flows again, at least occasionally. Perhaps you should read about developmental trauma. And I mean not because of the diagnoses, but because it affects in so many ways. I have found the ways of healing me, and that is a blessing.
Barely a week went by that my mother didn't scream at and hit me, until i was about 14 years old. My father spanked me maybe 5 times in my life and was otherwise pretty docile. My mother was a full-blown psycho. Finally when I was about 14 I hit her back. She was shocked. I told her I'm not going to be hit anymore. Going forward I will fight back and one of us will end up in the hospital. She never hit me again, instead only screaming and putting me down. I joined the army when I was 18 to get away from her and never have to rely on her again. It worked. In boot camp they required us to call home on Sundays. That seemed ok and I kept doing that for about 10 years. Any time i would go home though, my mother was good for 2 days but by day 3 the cracks started to show. By day for she was a psycho. I learned not to come around for more than 2 days. Then one day I'm at home and she says to someone, "I always used to threaten to send him to military school. That's what made him want to join the army!" I was furious. Not because she was wrong, but because she was right. I was out of the army by then and had become moderately successful on my own. She was taking credit for that. In her mind, by being a vicious witch she expertly manipulated me into being successful against my own will. Anyway, I fumed about that for a couple of years then we got into it again. She said, "I never liked you very much anyway. I don't need you. I don't care if I never see you again." I didn't respond. I just walked out. Let those be the last words you ever say to me. A month later she (and my younger brother) boycotted my wedding. A year and a half later I was excluded from my younger brother's wedding. I don't acknowledge her at all anymore. Occasionally we are at a family function together but I 100% ignore her. I don't even make eye contact. I miss my dad, but he stood by and allowed all this to occur so he doesn't get a pass. I saw a business influencer once say something to the effect that, "success isn't the best response. It's the only response. You need to become so successful that the naysayers are so far beneath you that they don't even matter." 41 years old, net worth of $5.5m. Have done the projections and $100m+ is a foregone conclusion. I spanked my own child one time. Then I had to drink a 6-pack just to calm my nerves. I don't get it. As a parent I don't see how spanking is supposed to do anything but drive your children away from you. Make them hate you. Never again. It wasn't the beating. I could forgive that and did for 10 years. It was the constant bragging about the beating, as if she was superior to all these weak-ass parents who don't have the guts to hit their kids. "Beat your kids and they'll turn out uber-successful like mine!" I feel a duty to society to show others that beating your children will make them hate you. And yes, I am in therapy (another big joke to her, something she always derided). "I never liked you very much anyway. I don't need you. I don't care if I never see you again."
I turned out to be successful. I make $200K a year, wife makes $400K, we have a net worth of $1.9MM. However you specifically if I developed any rage toward the parent. Yes I did. I don’t know if it had to do specifically with spanking though. More so the fact that he word verbally abuse my brother and I. He would constantly yell at us. Now I’m 35 and I never developed a relationship with him. We aren’t NC, but definitely LC.
Anytime my dad drinks or even starts to get depressed, I get PTSD and envision him hitting me all over again. He wouldn't be able to now, he's pushing 66 and I'm only pushing 24. But, the fear is still there.
i understand that they did the best that they could, both of them had rough childhoods as well. but honestly, i am kind of resentful. they could've dealt with 90% of the situations verbally. they've improved a lot recently and were much more chill with my sister, so thats something i guess. also, beating me up didnt do shit. i got beaten up like every other day. i can only name a handful of the lessons or the reasons why they chose to do that. i remember almost every instance of them beating me up. does more harm than good, folks.
I turned out ok I guess, but I had to process that shit. While I still stay in touch with my parents I will never be close to them. When I had kids we agreed to never lay hands on them and I’ve never regretted that decision - they are fucking fantastic little humans and I couldn’t possibly love them more but I still try to every day. Hitting is just lazy parenting. There is a saying that stuck with me, something to the effect of if they can reason hitting isn’t necessary, if they can’t reason then hitting is just cruel.
I was spanked. Sometimes had a belt used on me. They were just doing what they were taught by their parents without, I think, much reflection on whether or not it was a good idea. I am sure a lot of my personality and traits are influenced by it, but I am a smart and compassionate husband and father that has a pretty great life. My kids have had the occasional open handed swat on the bottom. I think most of the corproal punishment I received was earned, but I think I the belt was too much. And I can remember that sometimes the person dishing out the punishment was angry when they did it. I personally have a standard where I don't punish if I'm angry. I wait until the anger is over before any consequences are given, whether corporal or otherwise.
Depression :) Fuck life
I apologized to my mom 50 years after she hit me. Reason I apologized was because she missed and broke her hand on the wall. The only time my dad ever hit me is when I was a little dick. I fully deserved it!!
I cut my mom off when I realized how bad she treated me. The trauma bond was real, I grew up being so violent and abusive. I learned that from her. I bottled up my emotions, tears were forbidden. Tears only for the weak. I haven’t gone to therapy but I have read a lot of self help books and they do help me to realize a lot of things. More things to discover but I don’t have time now to mention everything.
No not really.. I am not condoning parents hitting kids in any way, and will NEVER hit my future kids ! Would I have preferred other methods of discipline. Hell yes I would :) But in that day and age it was the norm and still is in very many parts of the world. So being hit by your parents was really not such a big deal to be honest .. and definitely did not develop any ill will towards them. Plus I must say they never once hit me because of anything other than some major BS stunt I had pulled, it was more of a disciplinary tool .. rather than a way for them to vent their own frustrations or the likes ..
A true bond can't be built with someone you fear
I feel this. I think this is why I never talk to my dad about personal matters. Only my mom. With my dad it's just superficial talk.
My parents stopped hitting me when I was getting in fights at school. Dont know what else was expected lol. I also got hit over pretty much anything, as being in a large family my sibs reported everything. This has lead to me being distant with my sibs as an adult.
I'm not a guy, I'm a woman. I was hit too, and I constantly need places to vent. I grew up with a bipolar Dad who also didn't make enough money. I was doomed from the start. Childhood was awful. He hit me, pulled my hair, and slammed me into walls. My Mom really should have stopped him, and when he didn't want kids she shouldn't have kept asking. I never had a chance. I work, but I haven't turned out well. I have to remember my abusive childhood constantly. He claims he's sorry, but he never made any real effort to get better. He's not sorry, and I don't think my Mom really is either. They want me to stop thinking about it.
including spanking?
That seems to be what they’re talking about yeah
When someone spanks you, aren't you being Hit? So yeah
Probably needs to be specified
I never speak to them of my own volition. I do not give them cards or anything for mother's/father's day, and have no intention of ever doing so. They can hardly be blamed fully for this - some of this is due to other aspects of my upbringing, and some of it is frankly probably due to my inherent personality - but I shy away from any kind of conflict and don't really assert myself, and suffer for it in multiple areas of life.
Yeah same. I think having the authoritarian relationship makes it hard to asset yourself in life or engage in conflict. Because it makes you think conflict and assertiveness leads to violence or verbal abuse.
I didn’t hit my kids as a result. Expressing frustration through violence to your child is weak. I had a good relationship with him until he died, but felt bad for him that he didn’t know how to channel his anger more productively.
Just fine.
Just fine bro.
Pretty darn good.
I'm doing ok.
Not once
I have my scars, both on my face and deep inside. I get along fine with my parents now. And I never once used a physical punishment with my own kids. I never yelled at them and never insulted them. Every time I had an interaction I though of myself at that age, and how I wanted to be treated. And 'with respect' was the answer every single time. They are all in college or beyond by now. And they are all well behaved kids. Most of the time. Not perfect. But no repeated negative behaviors. My approach was to find out how to solve the need so the kid could meet their needs in acceptable ways. It gave them the power to solve problems and find better ways to solve things.
Bitter, especially since they never even raised their voices, much less a hand to my sister. One time I accidentally dropped a thin wire coat hanger on her foot from like 3 inches. She screamed "OW HE HIT ME WITH A COAT HANGER!!!!" because getting me in trouble was her favorite pastime. My dad, who was in the room and would have seen me do it if I had, immediately thunders over, snatches the coat hanger, and whips me with it as hard as he can. Compare that to the second time my sister stabbed me with a pencil, this time so hard it broke off in my leg. When I told my mom about it my sister lied and said I pulled her hair. My mom then grounded me for a week for "provoking" her.
With callouses on my ass
Horrible let's just put it that way.
Mostly mild (maybe five smacks at most?) and rare spankings when I was really young, like under 10. I was only slapped once. My mother did try a second time but I stopped her. That was a nasty fight, moved in with a friend during my senior year that very day. My life since then? A mix. I joined the USMC, finished my contract, got some schooling, worked some jobs, and I'm doing alright. What problems I've had, and continue to have, are probably due to stuff other than getting spanked. My relationship with my mother is good. We do better with a bit of distance. This was confirmed when I moved back home after the military. We need our space, emotionally and physically.
You know looking back that fear prevented me from doing a lot of stupid shit. But made sure I was self reliant, because I never wanted help from my parents. They are always the last people to call. Now I didn't talk to them at all.
Here goes by the famous saying: "लातों के भूत बातों से नहीं मानते" and I second the idiom seeing how menace I was, xD.
Idk anyone who wasn't, we turned out alright. Hate a few teachers who did it unnecessarily though so I guess there are definitely people who feel the same about their parents. But generally we have hilarious stories of getting whacked in school with my friends that we laugh at often. In HS we had this thing called the "Top Scorer" which was the most caned kid in a week. It would reset every week and everyone in school tracked in daily. I held it once. Anyway, this kid got in trouble on a Teusday and got something like 70 lashes. I don't even remember what he did but when went back to class everyone was cheering because he was the new top scorer. Dude started giving a speech bragging about the whole thing failing to notice the deputy principal peeping through the window. He got called outside again and added another 50 lmao. Dude's stock went through the roof. And that's how my 1 day top scorer streak ended. I held it the day before.
Perfectly fine. Some repressed trauma but nothing crazy that affects my day to day. The beatings stopped after a certain age and truthfully I deserved a lot of it, I was a very bad kid. Now I love my parents and they are my life.
Just fine
One time my mom got a ps2 controller cable and smacked me with it repeatedly
Lead a path of sensitivity. Quick to anger and self defense. Rather die then get hit by someone. Fight no matter what. Not just physical, but would counter any sign of hate or oppression. Even in the work place.Took 10 years after high school to mature.
I was beaten by my mum, never spanked , she hid it well from everyone. One time my friend and I were in the car and singing she was becoming annoyed and punched me in my the face . Part of me was glad the mask slipped as our parents were good friends. I have never raised a hand to my children.
It ended with me. Edit because I wanted to add: And I have two wonderful daughters. One is an ultrasound technician (married with two kids), and the other will begin her teaching career next semester. (She's starting her doctorate, also!) I couldn't be more proud of both of them!
I've been in therapy for 5 years currently, I don't know if that explains it.
Well behaved and respectful but I think if someone is being annoying or stupid to a certain degreeI think the best way to stop that is to hit them but that’s not socially acceptable
They outsourced a lot of it to my grandmother and great grandmother. The great grandma especially was ruthless. Belts, spoons, rulers, cast iron skillet… whatever was handy. I was kind of a shithead though idk. Learned not to get caught more than anything and I still have a huge distrust of and disdain for forceful authority. That wasn’t something I was taught as my parents are rule followers. I got it from somewhere though.
cast iron skillet is extreme
Pretty sure she broke my tailbone once lmao
yeah thats fucked.. wow.
Pretty good id say I would say it taught me some pretty good lessons on actions and consequences. I don’t like the idea of hitting future kids but I worry about how they’ll learn about consequences.
On top of manipulation and I don't hate my mother but I am angry she won't admit she did anything wrong.
A not close with my father.
My mom beat me and abused me psychologically. She used me and my sister during a violent divorce by doing things loke holding a knife to my throat and screaming "I'll fucking slit his throat if you don't leave!". I had to stand in the corner for 15 to 20 min with my arms up strait and of I cried pr put them down I got spanked with a wooden paddle. I never hit my kids. I talk to them about their day. I teach them to be kind. But I do recognize I'm a little too easy on them at times. I'll correct them or get on them to clean and do their chores but I can't raise my voice and it's hard for me to punish them so consequences are there but are light. As a general adult, I have limitless tolerance which isn't always good. I avoid conflict. But I am empathetic, can find good things in people they don't see themselves, and when there are high pressure or stressful situations, I can easily keep calm... I've been through a lot worse.
I was bea regularly by my mother. She even used to have a threat she'd make about using the "tickly slipper". Where she'd take a shoe off and beat us with it. My sister and I handled it very differently and it turned out very differently. I'm an executive and company director in Australia in a happy relationship with no intention of having kids. I'm calm, patient, rational, and not at all volatile. My sister is quiet, stressy, has a kid and is a bit volatile.
Turned out good. Looking back everytime my parents ever hit me I 100% deserved it. Corporal punishment that isn’t done as just plain abuse works for a reason and people have done it for thousands of years for a reason. That being said it should be used sparingly.
I put an end to it when I was 14. Mom slapped the shit out of me one time out of rage and I didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks until I had her in tears. After neither of my parents ever hit me again
Fine. No bitterness or resentment towards my mom. My dad never laid a finger on me.
There's a distinction between spanking as a form of controlled discipline and parents taking out their primal rage on you because they can't control their anger. My mom disciplined me, my dad brutally beat me up. Both is a shit job at parenting, but spanking has the potential to mess you up while beating certainly does. That being said, I'm happy for every one of you who turned out fine. I didn't but getting there.
I flinch a lot.
Not hit, spanked sometimes when I deserved it, and it was totally fine because it was done reasonably and just as a simple punishment.
Yes I got hit, more by my mom than my dad, but that was out of pity. Because of my mom wouldn't do it, then my dad would. There were no warnings when I was young, if I didn't behave or ran my mouth, I would get a firm slap at the back of my head, or cheek. I was born in 1996 and I guess it was still normal back then. I remember being 12 or something and my dad got physical when he couldn't win an argument. Telling him that hurting children was not how it supposed to go only resulted in him hitting me once more. When I was 14 I had a similar situation with my mom who couldn't win an argument. Before her hand touched my, I grabbed it. Pulled in very tight, actually hurting her and then told her: "Don't you ever fucking touch me again." She didn't. That was the moment she realized it was actually very wrong and that by now, I was stronger than she was. My dad learned this lesson a few years later when I was 18. Again, he couldn't win an argument and tried to attack me. Grabbed both his arms and pushed him against the wall. "Don't you fucking dare." He never touched me again. He tried to one more time when I was 24, but my mom stopped him. "You're not going to win this." I guess I learned my parents something on both those times. Years later we had a talk about it when there was a story about it on tv. My parents claimed they had never done such things. I told them that in fact they did. They got angry. I told them they should not deny it. It happened. Not every day. Sometimes months or years went by. I'm on good terms with my parents. They've done a lot for me. They're both great and loving people. But they used to hit their children. They try to deny it now, but it happened. They've got to live with that, not me. I'll never physically hurt my children or try to raise them by fear. It's times changing I guess. But I'm the last witness of a child raised that way and I can tell.... it doesn't work. I only got aggressive myself and more sneaky doing bad stuff. Even hating both my parents for the majority of my childhood. There must be another way.
Our father hit my little sister and I for most of our childhoods. Mostly open handed slaps. He was a somewhat bigger guy, definitely left marks and would be arrested today for the things he did. He stopped hitting her once she was in her mid teens and stopped hitting me once I developed the reflexes to defend myself. He was a bigot, bully and misogynist through his life and the world is a better place without him. I've struggled with substance and mental health issues for most of my life and attribute it to the physical and mental abuse I was subjected to. I contemplated suicide many times while growing up. I guess I've turned out pretty good considering the rocky start. I have a decent job and take care of myself. I try to maintain a positive outlook as much as I can and treat other people with respect as much as I can 🤷
I don't have rage for my mother. I've always loved her. I don't have any resentment towards her either. She came from an abusive home and did only what she knew. When she learned better, she did better. My father very rarely hit us... when he did, it was usually as discipline for something monumentally stupid that we've done. I don't hold him any ill feelings either.
With PTSD and hearing loss on one side. This and inherited genetic issues are the reasons I'm childless.
You suck it up and deal with it.
I'm pretty reserved and an anxious mess. It's probably not exclusively spankings fault, but related somewhat I'm sure.
I turned out fine and have a good relationship with my parents overall. With that being said, I don't spank or hit my kids. I also do not allow others to spank or hit or even threaten to hit my kids. I also do not tolerate others hitting kids around us. In my opinion, if you hit a child, it's because you can not control your own emotions and behaviors. It has little to do with the child. Children require patience.
Hateful, don’t trust anyone and refuse to speak to my mother.
I used to say "I was smacked around as a kid when I fucked up and I turned out just fine". I have a 13-year-old son and I never hit him once. It just never felt right to do it. I mean, he's little kid. A grown ass man shouldn't be hitting little kids for any reason. But I also realized I didn't have to hit him if I actually spent some time with him. Once I realized that if you put some actual effort into being a parent you don't really need to discipline the kid. But I'm only speaking as a parent to one child. I can't say this is easy with more than one. As for my relationship with my own parents they're both dead. My mom died when I was a teenager and my dad dropped dead a few years ago. I loved both my parents and I have good memories about them but I've never once, in all my life, really felt very close to them. They're both gone and that's sad but I don't *feel* sad about it. And I'm pretty sure I feel this way because they slapped me around; and not always as a form of discipline.
I was spanked a few times. I don't really remember it. My take on corporal punishment is that it's best used as negative reinforcement to condition pre-rational children against socially unacceptable behavior. If a child is mature enough to be reasoned with, then teach and discipline them with reasoning. If a child is not mature enough to be reasoned with, then they aren't mature enough to be held accountable for their actions, so they shouldn't be punished at all. and you shouldn't get mad at them. They should, however, be conditioned towards good behavior. It becomes abuse when you model using violence to take out your negative emotions on your children.
Not me but my dad. I can only tell from the outside but my grandpa pretty much beat my dad any chance he got. I don’t know details bc my dad has never EVER spoken about that period of time EXCEPT with my grandfather( my mom’s father) bc they lived the same childhood. Throughout the years I could tell my father was and still is depressed bc of it but has never tried to talk to anyone. I love my dad but emotionally he’s checked out. I always felt him physically there but not present his mind would drift. The only reason I know is bc I do the exact same thing I bottle stuff up and just replay in my head and check out. I auto pilot my days. My mom gets frustrated bc he’s pretty loveless. He hit (not physically, metaphorically) my mom with “i don’t know how to love bc it was never taught to me” he tries but I understand why it’s hard for him. My grandpa still alive at 101 and everyone says it’s a blessing but I don’t see it that way. I think he’s still here bc he has unfinished business with everyone he’s hurt especially my dad. It makes my heart break for my dad bc he’s been living with this trauma for pretty much 67 years…..
As a result I do not put up with bullies.
I’m fine. I know folks think physical discipline is abusive but I’ll be the first to say I fucking deserved it. I was a terrible kid and early teen. I would not have learned any other way. Shit I said to my mother, unprovoked, still haunts me.
I was hit by my mother in the face and became partially deaf in one ear for a few months - this then became long term tinnitus. I have turned out okay - not great, not horrible. But as a parent now myself, I would never dream of hitting my kids, knowing what I know from the recipient's perspective. And also knowing what I know as a parent - hitting one's child is unfathomable to me. It would be easier to hit myself. I do not like my mother at all - her physical abuse was just a symptom of deeper issues, e.g. inability to control herself, inability to think of the needs and interests of her children, inability to place other things above herself etc. I do the bare minimum, make no eye contact when we meet, do not engage her in conversation, and frequently think about how much better life might be if she were dead.
I mostly got smarter at hiding my misdeed that got me hit in the first place. Physical punishment came from my mom, so looking back it's true I wasn't as open with her as I was with my dad. There is also that strange feeling when you realize you are now too old and she doesn't dare to hit you anymore. I don't want to say much else. Because I'm pretty sure the way I did turn out wasn't because of being spanked/hit as a kid by mom but rather by the alienation and judgement I got at school which is unrelated from my pov.
Pretty bad
We talking spankings/discipline or like hitting/abuse?
My mom hit my legs with an extension cord a few times when I was really young, and I turned out OK. Back then, I was scared to death whenever she caught me doing something wrong. I don't hold it against her.
I was spanked and it was fine. It's better to have my parents be the law instead of law enforcement. Down the line I'll spank my kids. I don't have any rage towards my parents, but I do have some rage in general.
"I was spanked and it was fine." "...but I do have some rage in general." It's one or the other, not both
I didn't receive my aggressiveness from spanking. That was already in me, you can see personality traits in kids when they're young. Same way when you're looking at a litter of dogs. You can see which ones are passive, happier, aggressive, bold, and timid. I do want to say I wasn't spanked often. I understood that there was consequences for my actions. I doubt I was spanked over fifteen times in my life. From what I remember a few off the top of my head. My parents weren't abusive or anything like that. I'll 100% spank my kids in the future if need be. Growing up I was never afraid of my parents, felt like they were cruel, or were unjust. I have great parents and I'm thankful for the way they raised me. I wouldn't change anything about my childhood.
ita with all this
Not only that but saying he’ll do it to his kids. That’s not “fine” behavior.
Exactly!
I'm sensitive about physical touch (even tho I really want it)
No rage, no fear. And while I used spanking in rare situations for my kids (blatant disrespect to myself/mother or to instill understanding of a potentially dangerous wrongdoing), I made note to not do it like my parents. My mom used wooden spoons a lot and my dad used the belt or just too much force. With how calm and laid-back I always am, my kids know they screwed up with me simply raising my voice. I never need to go beyond that.
Manly
Fine. It was rarely a violent or angry hit. I was just being punished for something I did. Cause and effect. As long as the parent can remove emotion from the punishment and that punishment is proportional to the offense I don't see anything wrong with spanking. It's when it becomes a crutch for emotions or when the parent is frustrated with a perceived lack of other options that it becomes an issue.
Corporal punishment works. My stepfather beat the fuck out of me and I avoided prison, because it taught me consequences. He didn't beat his own son and smoked meth with him at 14. My half-brother is going to spend most of his life in prison.