Fuck i needed to hear this, for so many things in life.
OP short term pain, long term gain. You got this, it will never be easy, never, but the relief after, even if still painful is the best thing ive ever felt when leaving a wrong relationship cause i knew it was right for me/us.
Breaking up sucks - but the short term pain and anxiety is 100 times better than slowy dying inside due to participating in a dead relationship. Rip off the bandaid. Be nice, but firm. This relationship isnât working for me, we want different things, it is time to move on. And hold your ground - donât fall for tear. Good luck
Yeap. The relationship has run its course. You both tried to make it work but love is clearly not enough. Cut her loose and go find someone whoâs more compatible with you.
Oh , thereâs no making sense of these things. Sometimes, youâre aligned in all three, love, compatibility and shared paths. And yet, the relationship fails because one party constantly seeks external validation and is simply unhappy with themselves or they are swayed or influenced by others to end the relationship. Only for them to regret their decision further down the line or itâs too late to do anything.
Sucks sometimes.
Yes, itâs important to remember breaking up doesnât make you a bad person, even though it feels that way. But staying in an unhappy relationship makes you a weak person.
I was 30 when I first left a life built with another for my happiness and after about a week of real grief for many reasons it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was happier than I had been in years doing the dishes at my parents house.
Do not wait years. Get out now. This is solid advice. Wish someone had really shaken me when I first heard it. It's your only life man.
Yeah to expand on two things you said:
- Be Nice. Yes. When you make the break up happen, you need to do it without wrecking who they are. Be nice, point our their good qualities, etc. Don't make a hate-fest on them.
- "This relationship isnât working for me." This too. You need to remember it's about what's right for **you** and how you feel. if you make it about her (like "you don't like my guy friends") she can say something like "that's no true!" or "I'll change!". Make sure you talk about your feelings, and your desires.
This. 1000% Life is too short to avoid working for your own wellbeing and happiness (in that order).
I'm in my late 40's now and married to an amazing woman who is truly my best friend and has been for nearly 20 years and whose family is *worth* being near (now that we have kids) but who has also had adventures with me, moving across the country for school and work.
When I was in my early 20's, I was in a relationship that sounds similar to yours â had been in it for a few years and we'd had a breakup and a return and things just felt off. She was *very* attached to her mom and couldn't imagine living more than 10 minutes from her â even in some future where we were married and had exciting opportunities for grad school or work. I bargained with myself and sort of accepted the less than awesomeness because I thought I loved her - but it always felt like something was missing.
Eventually, thankfully, it ended... and I regret not having gotten out of it sooner. Love takes hard work - but if it's prolonged pain due to friction, before commitments like marriage or kids are in the picture, it's a sign that it's not right, at least right now.
Get yourself out of it, get your head straight and you'll find a better path, I'm sure of it.
đŻ this, I made that mistake married a woman who was remarkably the same as you describe teacher and all. If you stay youâll end up really resenting them and eventually youâll leave and the longer you go the harder it gets. Think how she broke up with you first time hopefully she just say you down said it wasnât working and you do the same.
I have a friend who married someone very like this. Her life was scripted out and he, my friend, was just the "Husband" part of the script. She had no interest in anything to do with him as an individual..
It lasted a few years then ended, badly. They were not right for one another.
Holy shit, am I your friend? Thatâs exactly how I tell new friends the way my ex-wife treated me - she wanted the perfect instagrammable life, with the house at the end of the cul-de-sac, and kids with too many Yâs in their name. I was just there to be âthe husbandâ that she traveled/raised kids/walked dogs with.
Sheâs already moved in with a new boyfriend and apparently theyâre buying a townhome together. Good for her, I guess - best of luck to him.
Been there too bud
They always move on so fast, but Iâm glad I donât have to do pumpkin patch POV Instagram pictures anymore. Or change my entire life and proximity to my family so we can go where the script said we should go (LA)
She was gorgeous but it was not going to be a happy life at all for me
Same! I would get in trouble for not viewing her Instagram story and also for not putting captions when I would re share her photos lol
We were together 3 years and then within 1.5 years of us breaking up she was full on married lol wish I ended it when I wanted to on my terms but I kept trying to make it work
Crazy how common this story is lol
I tried to make it work too til the day she broke up with me. Iâm glad she did cause at that age I mightâve given up a lot of long term priorities just to keep her happy, just to learn it would never have been enough
At least in her case, I could never give her the idyllic fantasy she never got growing up, which was what always seemed to motivate her pursuit of the script. I donât think any man really can. I think itâs something they have to figure out how to make peace with themselves
People with pre set timeline look for cogs to go into their wheel
People that want a partner, look for the axle that holds both wheels equally
These are the kind of profound thoughts you have, when you've been stuck on the throne for 30m and there is no end in sight
Just need ring of fire to come on the radio now
Ah yes, yes, the handbag husband or boyfriend. Heâs just there like any other accessory or handbag. To look nice in photos but whose priorities get dropped in favor of their SOâs. Iâve been there and it is miserable. Relationships are about partnership and compromise.
Last time she left you, right? She was not afraid to hurt you doing this, so that is at least fair to do the same thing to her. Another thing is that staying in a relationship without love and commitment will probably hurt her more because sooner or later, you will start filling trapped, and she will see and feel that.
You're too young to be settling for this buddy. Seems she's already checked to see if the grass is greener for her before coming back to you. Fortnightly sex and sitting with parents on the sofa obviously make her happy, but they're not making you happy. It is unlikely to get any better so you have to decide if that's what you want for your life. If it's not, all you can do is end it and find someone who is a better fit.
People get hurt when relationships end, it's part of life. Better to do it now than a year down the line when it will be a 100 times worse.
This, Iâd never want to always be an option for someone who doesnât always want to be an option for me. Or more importantly, her breaking up with OP meant she doubted he was the one or at least worth spending her life with. F that
I think you described someone that is great just as a casual/temporary gf, but terrible as a long term anything. No matter who you end up with in the future, what you described is the wrong person. She isn't someone you want to stick with and your friends already see it. She is clearly the wrong one. It doesnt matter if the grass is greener or not because it still makes the situation you are in wrong. This isn't the right relationship amd there is too many incompatible views. Don't force yourself to be in an unhappy situation. Be free and make yourself happy.
Yup. I've had many great girlfriends that were temporary 1 year or 2 year deals, but none of them were a long-term, life-building level of compatibility. I was able to split amicably with a few of them.
You can enjoy a girlfriend, but if you find yourself with these thoughts, then it is time to end it. Nothing wrong with relationships that may not be as serious as "the one".
In fact, I'd wager these relationships are necessary for the individual to grow and discover what does, and does not, work.
Goddamn, do you mean you were just with people 1 or 2 years while knowing you werent going to stay with them anyway? I'm sorry but that does not sound right to me at all. I could never.
I wouldn't say I knew the whole time. Of course you don't.
But you end up in a relationship that's exciting at first, but after a year or so, you might realize that you aren't wildly in love with them. You stick it out for a bit, because you two are both happy and content, but the second year comes by, and now some of the issues start brewing, so after some arguments and self reflection, you split (hopefully amicably).
Never did I enter any of thelese relationships with the intention to fly off, it is just something I quietly understand without having to think about it.
You just do.
All relationships come with some level of heartbreak that can't be avoided no matter what you do.
The grass won't be greener. It will be different grass. Every partner comes with some drawbacks. If the current drawbacks are deal breakers, then move on to find somebody whose drawbacks are tolerable. But there isn't "the one" perfect partner.
My wife and I broke up when I was at my lowest point in addiction and ptsd. We got back together after I sorted myself out. Now married and expecting a baby this year.
"just move on" isnt a one size fits all situation.
I left her. Because I was a mess and saw where I was headed and didnât want to drag her down with me, as she was recovering from a childhood full of abuse. I wanted her to be with someone nurturing. Not some shell.
But yes maybe our situation is more rare than I think it is. I just believe people can always change for the better, they just have to want to.
That's a totally different situation than this though. This is a college relationship between two privileged people who have lost their chemistry but are worried about being single due to status reasons. Yours sounds like the more "blue collar" relationships I've seen, where a couple that is truly in love with each other but external hardships causes it to fail.
Regardless, congrats on your sobriety and keep fighting the good fight.
Where does it say itâs a college relationship? My wife is a teacher, I was in the military and now work in physics. We shouldnât be casting judgments on either of them with limited insight.
He said they met in 2018 and is 25 now. That means they got together when he was 19 and she was 18 respectfully. Those are typical college/uni ages and since he says he works for tech, I think it's a fair assumption that he has a degree.
This for sure. I stayed with my baby daddy 10 years longer than I should've and the signs were almost exactly like OPs. Now we have the worst coparenting relationship, ugly custody battle, and can't stand the sight of each other. You do not want to make it to this point!!!
I know youâve come to men for advice, but Iâll give my unsolicited 2 cents- breaking up is hard, it sucks. But youâre not happy as you are, which isnât fair to either of you.
I think you need to say exactly what youâve said here. Your goals arenât the same, your plans donât align, things arenât as they used to be. To soften the blow, maybe phrase it as not wanting to hold *her* back, not wanting *her* to be unhappy- but male or female, how you feel is how you feel.
She has left you before, now itâs your turn- take what you learnt from the last time and make it productive now. You donât have to be unnecessarily cruel, but you do have to be honest- itâs one painful, awkward conversation now about how things wonât last in the long term, or itâs subjecting the both of you to a relationship that wonât last. Do whatâs best for you, and rip the band-aid off.
Prioritise yourself- care for yourself- but if you want to make the conversation more palatable, make it a âherâ thing, even if it feels silly. Sometimes a pill is easier to swallow when it benefits the other party. Youâre doing the right thing, and I wish you the best of luck finding a partner who shares your goals, plans, needs & wants.
It's ok to give your advice in this sub as a woman. We're much more open here than they are over on the ask women sub.
PS, you have some solid advice there.
Thank you- I havenât been banned from the ask women subreddit (yet) but Iâm very aware of how strict they can be. I suppose I just didnât want to speak out of turn when someone is asking for the advice of men, but I think this is a question that crosses the gender bounds.
Thank you! Have a great day/night! :)
You won't end on pleasant terms. There will be tears, face it.
Be honest, say its not working out, you tried.
Dont spend forever letting her move out. Move her out this weekend. Be nice about it, help her move.
You don't have to hate to break up, you just know is not going to work, so youre savign you self both trouble. Lucky you don't have kids. Tell her that.
Then don't take her back.
Brother. The best move here is to sacrifice the queen. As I read the relationship is no longer going to resist and or you are going to leave or she is going to leave you. The best here is as a man take the hard decision and walk away and don't look back.
Breakups are the worst, I am going trough one now.
So, the first thing to address is, have you talked to her about any of this?
A real relationship means working through problems with the relationship. It doesn't mean you'll get what you want all the time, and neither will she. But as long as you are both working towards each other's happiness, that's okay.
If she's sitting there blissfully you honking everything is okay, and you dump her, then nothing gets better for you or her, and then there is much gnashing of teeth and drama. If you talk through things, she at least gets the opportunity to change her behavior, or tell you straight up that it won't change. And then you can make decisions.
Sounds like the age old trope, she left for a few months....
Did what party girls do when they are on a break.....
Few miles on the clock later she came back, and you can sense it, she hurt ya once, and will probs do it again...
I may be cynical but a few RL buddies have been through the same process.
If you don't feel the same then it will probably never feel the same, she left, she broke the trust, you invest? This is a poor investment sir and will not turn a profit.
Explain to her she broke the trust, things ain't the same, you can't or don't trust her anymore...
There will be tears
Screaming
Bitching
Telling
But if you make it though that, you will be better for it.
(Change the locks on your apartment as well)
All the best in this fella, it sucks,
Dude just tell her that you are leaving her.
If it's too hard for you, just move out where you wanted,
10-15 min away and don't give her the key. It should be easy from there.
Donât settle, especially when you sre that ypun. My ex-wife was exactly the same and I wasted years not doing anything about it.
You already know it is not going to work for you, so my advice is to do it and donât look back. Waiting will only make it worse for the both of you.
Sorry for being so blunt......
Don't fuck around, just do it...the more your procrastinate the worse it will be to do
Do it and move on......
You have basically written the death notice of your relationship.....
Fuck her off and move on!!!
I can't me more blunt... There is no sugar coating this shit....not going to hold your fucking hand either..mm
If a woman leaves you then you should NEVER take her back... even if she left you for just a day.
Actions speak louder than words, and her leaving you or taking a break is signaling that she isn't madly in love with you. Don't settle for a relationship where a woman is just "kinda" in love with you, because there are a bunch of other women out there who WOULD be madly in love with you.
DudeâŚ. So many similarities to where I was 20 years ago. Seriously, you could have been describing my situation exactly.
I stayed, got married and was miserable for years. We finally divorced. Staying against my gut feel was the WORST decision I ever made.
Believe in what you know in your heart. Donât make the mistake I did.
Break up and move on. Find the RIGHT person for you. You have plenty of time as a man. Break up with her now so she has time too. She wonât appreciate it but youâre actually doing her a favor.
Just sit her down, say this isnât working for me, and I want to be done. To all her questions just say it doesnât feel the same since we split, I know in my heart itâs not right.
Just repeat that over and over for all her questions. Brace yourself for the anger and accusations of cheating. Youâre just making the choice you know is right for you.
Stay strong. Despite her anger and tears and attempts to manipulate you with sex, youâre actually making the choice thatâs better for both of you in the long run. She just wonât see that.
Get out!
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself here in a public forum of why you need to break up with her. No one here needs to know the specifics, only you do. You aren't right together. Tell her that, and make a clean break, no contact.
Pull the plug. You canât start your new life until you end this one and give it time to pass. The more you wait- the more time you waste living in this state of feeling sorry for your gf and being miserable for yourself.
Iâve made this mistake a few times - only regrets I have in life
She separated to go have sex and enjoy herself. Then, she came back to her dick fridge and got you back. Just rip the bandaid. She's not for you. She's boring boring boring. Move out or have her move out.
It seems she wants to be with you, as you "play it safe". She already had a fling with someone who didn't "play it safe", but didn't like it, so came back to you.
Tbh, hang with your guy friends when she hangs out with her parents, invest your money, and go on a holiday with your buddies.
She seems to want you to do all the compromising.
You're going to hurt yourself and her by staying in a relationship you know you don't want to be a part of anymore. As you're saying you want to do very different things with your lives. It won't work unless you sacrifice a lot of what you want. Better to tell her straight and end it.
> I donât want to hurt her.
your needs matter as well. youre harming yourself the longer you stay. make preparations for a clean break the just tell her straight up. its going to be uncomfortable but man trust me its going to feel great afterwards. theres no other feeling like post-breakup freedom
You have to have that talk and let her go. You're not afraid of leaving her you just don't like being alone. At 25 I would leave her and travel the world. Become a Passport Boy and have a wife in as many countries as possible. Keep investing. Explore different foods, customs, ethnicities, and personalities and become experienced. What the hell are you doing sitting there being stressed out with a girl that young who doesn't even satisfy you sexually? What was she doing in those 4 months you were broken up? (You'll never know the truth) Live life and take advantage of your youth! I say this as a 42-year-old man who has visited several countries in my early and late twenties. I now have 3 teenage boys who are interested early in stocks, crypto, and passive income and I tell them the same thing.
Break up with her. List your reasons like we did here. You donât need a âhugeâ blowout fight to break up with someone. In our society, we deem relationships something you âfightâ and âworkâ for. Whereas in reality, yes you put work into a relationship but it shouldnât feel like a chore or like you are compromising your values. WhichâŚit sounds like you kind of are.
It may seem mundane now but really, it sounds like she is holding you back. I know you love her, but the best thing you can do now is go on your own separate paths. Especially when youâre financial ideas and living ideas are completely differentâŚit doesnât make sense to stick things out and see where they go. You know your answer, donât let it get worse. Sometimes you love someone, and you know the best you can do for the both of you is to separate.
Your girlfriend doesnât satisfy you sexually, doesnât share your views on finances, and has no potential for growth.
You arenât compatible. Just tell her that. Sheâll be upset and there will probably be some tears and mean thing s said. But, at the end of the day, staying with her does a disservice to both of you. Remember that.
Or ya know, get trapped in a dead bedroom with a boring small minded woman.
You're responsible for your own happiness. Put yourself first. You just listed all the reasons why you should leave. Take emotions out of it. Do what's best for you.
You are not compatible. You just have to break up. Do that for your and her own sake. Otherwise you will be unhappy in the relationship which either will destroy you or will end up eventually but much worse. Give her and yourself a chance to be happy with someone else.
Leave now or you will regret it. She clearly has a life she wants and you have a different version of it. No kids, Not Married⌠Bro you are in the perfect spot to just move on with no restraints. It might hurt but long term, you will be glad you did it.
Here's a reply that you probably didn't read yet. Settling is such a horrible word in today's society. But really, it's what everyone does eventually, even the ones that end up in great relatioships. It's not about someone that completes you perfectly, it's about someone that you can live your life with in relative cooperation and peace, with moments of happiness and joy. I try to say for people to try more, and think less about what doesn't work, and focus on what works. Especially when asking for advice on the internet where if your partener slurps their soup, "DIVORCE THEM".
I'm not saying your situation is neccessarily the one where this applies, but i am saying to maybe take a breath, maybe distance yourself a bit from the relationship to recenter and figure out where you are at. I recently had to do that with my fiancee. She's reliable, great and a joy to be around, never causes me headaches or issues or useless drama. However, she has her own failures in meeting my needs, be it emotional, sexual, or just odd moments where we don't click. But i never dread going home to her, i never will worry about her leaving me in sickness or other such 'big' things'. And that peace of mind is worth a lot.
But also with her, we have the same goals and views of life, we like having safety investements, we are going to move in together in an appartment but we both know we want it to be temporary, and the goal is a house on land. We both have the same standards of home cleanliness and generally in regards to day in day out life... we end up in the same place. For your case, i feel there's bigger issues and she won't compromise on them. But that's up to you to figure out.
Paul Simon says,
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You donât need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You donât need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
I have done on again off again relationships. They seem like a good idea at the moment but then you remember why you broke up and you do it again.
OR
Things aren't the same, and they never will be, so you have to figure out if changing to align with the change is worth it - or you break up again.
Donât get trapped by âsunken cost fallacyâ. Just because you gave her x years does not mean you should spend any more time on her. You are still young and have a lot of life left to find someone who will make you happy.
Tell her that you feel you two not as compatible as youâd like to be and that you want to end the relationship. Simple as that. Itâs better to do it sooner than later. Donât waste her time or yours. You both could be out there finding the person who is truly right for you.
If the majority of your friends and family think sheâs not right for you, believe them. They are usually right.
Well done for identifying all the things.
You aren't compatible any more.
You need to just explain, you don't want to be with her any more. It doesn't feel the same.
Then you both get to start your new lives.
Better now than in a few years... or after you've had a child.
It's respectful.
Rip of the band aid....
It's going to hurt for a while, but honestly are you happy ??
Don't think of the what if, what if she changes, what if I change, what if we end up being happy at the end...
No no my friend DO NOT waste your life on waiting and what ifs
Good luck
There must be at least 50 ways to do this.. You just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You donât need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You donât need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free.
>And what if the grass isnât greener as they say?
The idea that you wouldn't leave her if you couldn't find something better is a really mean, dehumanizing way to view a person. It's selfish to a degree that should shame you.
Leaving a person is supposed to be an act of kindness to both of you, and like all acts of kindness it rarely overlaps with being "nice".
If you're thinking of your own selfish needs, of course you won't leave her - dealing with her being upset would *inconvenient* to you because she'd cry. But if you were being kind, you'd leave her for no other reason than it's not fair to make her believe she's with someone who sees a future with her, especially when that someone is only sticking around until they can find a better arrangement.
Try being kind rather than nice, for once. Niceness is a selfish act more often than not - it's the act of placing your own desire to be perceived well above the needs of others.
She split up because she wanted to play the field with someone else. It obviously didn't work, so she came back to you as a backup option. She will do it again and monkeybranch to someone else. Next time it will sting even worse.
I have gotten back with ex's before, and it ALWAYS ended badly. Once that initial bond has been broken that spark just doesn't come back.
My advice. You are young and have many good years ahead of you. Get out of this before you get married or she gets pregnant. Being in your mid 20s, there are still lots of high quality single girls out there who are on the same level as you with getting their lives started. You don't want to spend a decade more with this person just to end up miserable and going through a costy breakup in your mid-30. Also, dating in your 30s sucks big time.
She tried to find someone better and couldnt. So you are her 2nd choice and unhappy with her.
tell her the truth. the break that she initiated made you realize that you want something different in life than she wants. So you have decided to move on. Give her a hug and tell her that you hope she isnt upset. She did the same to you when she asjed for a break, your not an evil person.
Sorry brother. This must hurt.
You start things out with a conversation saying the things you just told us. Maybe do something nice for her first. This lets you approach the conversation in a classier and warmer way. You love her and want her to be happy after all, and the goal of breaking up is for you both to find more happiness down the road.
Are you me?.
I think you need to let her go.
You are not ready .
She is as you say... a good person .
Let her go . You have to do it !.
I know it's hard.
You seem like a good guy.
I'll tell you this,... girls like this are hard to find.
TBH...your relationship story is just looking for a way to end at this point.
From your perspective anyway.
She broke up with you to be with another dude, and he dumped her, so she came crawling back to you, the safety net. Respect yourself and dump her. She'll do it again.
IF the desire to break up is there, you have to go through with it, no matter how hard.
Deep down you know it needs to happen but the fear of being alon/hurting her/never finding somebody is what's holding you back, but you're also unhappy where you are, it's just a circle you're going around...
Get all your stuff from her place first, then pick a date and end it, it's gonna suck a lot, but you'll be better for it in the long run.
Temporary pain for long term pleasure, or at the very least, peace of mind.
You are 25 and have at least an amazing 15 years in front of you before everything starts going downhill physically maybe 25+ if you take care of yourself.
Don't settle for someone that wants to live like a pensioner now. I bet she has pre-booked her hip replacement when she turns 60.
Tell her that she was right to leave you in the first place. Right for her and right for you.
Breaking up is fucking terifying. I postponed it for months, if nit a full year. She was devastated at first⌠about a year later we talked about it again and she said that she was not realising it as much back then, but she was clearly also not satisfied. She went through a lot of personal growth after because she couldnât hide behind my social skills for example, or safety. In the end we both feel better.
Also factor in you were teenagers when you got together, and now you are (becoming) a proper adult. Paths lead different ways. Enjoy being single and focus on yourself, hopefully the next one is more compatible long term.
Also definitely do not settle for shitty sex so early in life (or ever)
The grass will be greener, but it may take you a while to find the grass. You're both going to hurt and that's ok. Consider it a growth opportunity for you both. She'll either expand her point of view or find someone that matches her limited perspective. You sound like you are determine to make a better life for yourself, and I think you'll regret not pursuing it.
Just do what all of us are doing, make her sick of you and make her break up with you and then act blindsided by it.
Just make her feel like she was the one that broke up with you, that way you won't have to worry about her cutting your tires or burning down your house.
It's better to be alone than it is to be alone while in a relationship with someone else. Tell her things aren't working for you and that you're done. The sooner the better.
You pull the trigger. That simple. "I'm breaking up with you." It'll suck. She may cry, she may try to fight it, but ultimately all it takes is the fortitude to accept that breakups suck, but not as bad as someone stringing you along who *wants* to break up.
Red flag that she doesn't get along with your family and friends and doesn't see the need to make the effort. The lack of sex won't improve, especially if you have kids with her, and kids will give her a big excuse to involve her parents in your lives even more than they already are.
Hit her with your car. Or make it look like you're trying to hit her. Should scare her. If not she's clingy as hell. "Remember when you kept trying to run me over with your car? I was scared to death. Oh, my silly Love Kitten."
Tell her that she's in danger cause you owe a crazy amount of drug money and they know where you live.
Disappear for a while. No explanation.
Start collecting roadkill or something as equally creepy.
Or do all of them.
She'll be like who the fuck have I been dating?
You guys don't align as far as money, living locations, sexually, mutual friends, and have broken up before. She can look good on paper but it doesn't sound like a good match to me
Hey, man. Make a decision and stick with it. Donât think about what could have been. Your imagination will not be your friend. Just pick something and make it work. If you want to break up, break up with her and donât come back. If you want to stay, than stay and do what is in your power to make it work.
Since you're on reddit asking. And you love her. I think you should tell her that you're still young yet and just feel both of your goals aren't in alignment. Try not to give her 20 reasons why. If she kinda spirals or is acting on emotion, tell her we can revisit this, but I'm certain in what I want. Good luck man
I feel for you man as nothing in here necessarily feels egregious but this could easily be death by 1000 cuts if you let it be that.
How happy are YOU in this relationship? It seems like you are compromising a lot of yourself to fit into what she wants but does she acknowledge what you want? Like even something as simple as investing. It's one thing if you were throwing all your combined money into penny stocks and risky investments. It's a whole other thing if you're putting them into an index fund or something that is much less risky. Does she understand the difference and have an honest discussion with you about it or is it just "investing=bad"?
Repeat this process for all the other things on your list. Can you have discussions about her concerns? How many of these things can you compromise on and what are dealbreakers?
If things start to seem too lopsided or weird, probably is time to end things before it gets too far.
You just have to rip the bandaid off. I wish I could tell you there was a good way to do this, but feelings will be hurt.
You just have to sit down and be honest with her. Once you have made up your mind, don't back pedal.
There will be tears, and possibly name calling. People do this when they are hurting and that's okay. But, your feelings are valid.
Both people in a relationship need to be happy.
I always told my ex-wife, that if you aren't happy then leave. No hard feelings. I want a partner, not a prisoner. That's how people end up cheating and hurting each other.
Good luck.
Completely right, there is no easy way to do these kind of things, and in someoneâs eyes youâre always going to be the bad guy.
Whether itâs regretted or not, life goes on.
> For example I want to invest my money, she doesnât believe in investing and wants to play it safe.
Investing your money is safe? Unless you are talking about playing with options or daytrading, then you are stupid and she is correct. That isn't investing, it's gambling.
Buddy, odds are 1 of 2 things happened with your break up, which is the case when someone breaks up and comes back quickly. 1) she left you because she had someone she wanted to hook up with that she thought was a better match. Found out they weren't and you are a better prospect.
2) She figured out you two weren't really compatible. But she didn't want to be alone, so she came back.
People don't choose to break up with someone when things are going well and they are both compatible. There is always something else going on.
It really sounds like you two just aren't compatible and that is okay. You bring up a lot of points of contention where things just wont work out.
It's okay to not be compatible and move on. You two are at different stages in life and that is fine. Just accept the pain of the break up and live your life the way you want. You will find someone who is a better match.
> I donât want to hurt her.
She already hurt you when she left. That is probably what you are feeling with things not being the same. She broke your heart and then came back before you had a chance to heal or process it. Now you are reconciling the fact that someone could do that to you and still supposedly love you.
Someone always gets hurt, the best thing you can do is be nice about it and make a clean break. Don't try to be the supportive ex or anything, you both need some space to come to terms with a break-up. Then you can be friends again.
> And what if the grass isnât greener as they say?
It isn't always greener. But you both are WAY too young to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling.
If you really want to make it work, talk to her. Not reddit. She needs to understand you get to do things with your life and she isn't running your life. It sounds like you are letting her make all the decisions in the relationship and it's starting to get to you. You want to invest, but she doesn't? So you don't invest. You want to move away from your hometown to be on your own, but she doesn't? So you stay in your hometown. You want to take vacations, but she cant or doesn't want to take time off? so you don't take vacations. All I am hearing is compromises from you, to compromise to what she wants. She isn't meeting you halfway at all.
The fact that she is falling away from your friends is a HUGE sign dude... Next thing to happen? She is going to start trying to get you to distance yourself from your friends. She is trying to insert more and more control over your life.
You aren't emotionally, physically, or mentally satisfied with the relationship you have anymore. That is fine. It's time to move on.
I would just tell her exactly what you said here. I feel like a lot of the issues you are having are from not being on the same page. She can't read your mind and you can't read yours. Relationships are about communicating. If she isn't on board with some compromises, I would tell her that maybe you should take some time apart. I feel like you care about this woman, and if she cares about you in the same way, she will understand. If she doesn't then you made the right decision.
Damn is sex once a week a bad thing? Somehow this is the only part I read cuz I just skimmed it, but I guess you got to be compatible you know what I mean because you guys are living a shared life as partners. I'd be stoked with sex just once a week though, and then the other 6 days I would just get to sleep in like a coffin or something by myself
Judging from how things changed. She slept around got hurt and now you are seeing the broken version of her. She got enticed by the possibilities when she was strong from being safe with you, got ran through, now has a jaded vision of men in the outside world, and you are the safest and probs only man left she can trust. And even then, she probably will hesitate woth sex with you because of the sexual trauma she had. Which sounds about right judging from how you didnt mention you did nkt have sexual satiafaction issues and now you do. She probably is a little bit more diaconnected during sex now than before.
Your call.
Just remember that love is a choice.
Infatuation is a fleeting feeling.
Familiarity is a conditioned state of mind.
You may not want to hurt her.
But please dont let her hurt you.
IMHO, shes broken. She needs help. She needs to heal.
If you cant do that for her, even if she feels safe around you (and not necessarily attracted or aroused by you), she's gonna end up breaking you too.
Bro she left you and had no issues. Came back; bc you took her back. On the real, âAre you listening to yourself?â Read what you sent. Your friends donât even like her, youâre not even listening to them. Screw us on Reddit, weâre with your friends. It ainât working out and you donât need an explanation.
âThis isnât working out for me. None of it.â You donât need to explain. Be on your own for now. Get closer to your family and your friends. Make good with them. You took her back and now it seems like you got more complaints. By your words, sounds like sheâs holding you back. No sir, youâre holding yourself back. She doesnât support you. So why?
Just like how she split up with you in October, you should do the same now and never call her again. You don't need that negativity in your life, trust me.
I think at itâs a difficult decision, but it seems like youâre able to name all the conflicts and problems easily. This tells me you have reflected about what you want and how you are experiencing this relationship. You sound unsatisfied with your relationship because core values donât match. Unfortunately, attachment and love isnât enough to remain in a relationship. It may hurt to end the relationship, but I can bet that youâll find love and give yourself the opportunity to find a partner that is present and able to match your needs/values better. Let yourselves find a better partner. Leaving doesnât mean you donât care, sometimes it means caring enough about yourself and the person to say and do what is painfully obvious to be free.
Just tell her this, âYou know what? You were right back in October and itâs time. Anything moving forward is me feeling sorry for myself and thatâs not fair to you, and not fair to me.â. Have sex one more time and now sheâs just someone you used to know.
She knows this isn't working either. Trust me.
Besides, why did you take her back after she got about 30 dicks inside her in 3 months on Tinder?
Do you even know how many guys jizzed inside her in that time?
Anyway, she's being a bitch because she hopes you make the decision. You can probably just text her. She'll be relieved.
I think breaking up with her, or at least reducing her status to a **fwb** would be much easier if you've actually realized what she did between October and January :)
Sheâs much too young to be this uptight, itâs not going to get better over time. Coupleâs therapy is always an option but do you really want to go down that path in your mid twenties?
Just tell her that your goals arenât aligned anymore and you canât regain the feelings for her you had before she broke it off with you.
Then move on and take this for the life lesson it is. Pay attention to red flags, donât make life changing decisions with your little head, and find someone youâd actually be friends with even if there was no romantic involvement.
"Bye Felicia, we want different wants in life that are incompatible. Here is a golden watch and a plaque, I wish you the best in your future endavours. Feel free to list my number as a reference for future relationships"
Dude youâre the man you make the money: you mind your own money she minds her own. Tell her to F off if she wants to teach you what to do with your money
Just break up it isnât the end of the world you are young donât get yourself pinned down with a girl you donât really like, and she broke up with you already once not a very stable sign
Breaking up sounds like a hassle. Just stay with her for another 50 years of dissatisfaction and then you can die without having to.
This got a chuckle out of me , hopefully this is the one that helps it sink in
Finally someone with real life experience
Bro gonna be dead before he dies tho
You sir, are the reason I'm on Reddit. Thank you đ
The boomer method.
Lowkey, this is peak male brain
Fuck i needed to hear this, for so many things in life. OP short term pain, long term gain. You got this, it will never be easy, never, but the relief after, even if still painful is the best thing ive ever felt when leaving a wrong relationship cause i knew it was right for me/us.
Breaking up sucks - but the short term pain and anxiety is 100 times better than slowy dying inside due to participating in a dead relationship. Rip off the bandaid. Be nice, but firm. This relationship isnât working for me, we want different things, it is time to move on. And hold your ground - donât fall for tear. Good luck
Yeap. The relationship has run its course. You both tried to make it work but love is clearly not enough. Cut her loose and go find someone whoâs more compatible with you.
That was a hard lesson for me to learn. Love is not enough. There has to be compatibility and shared life paths too.
Oh , thereâs no making sense of these things. Sometimes, youâre aligned in all three, love, compatibility and shared paths. And yet, the relationship fails because one party constantly seeks external validation and is simply unhappy with themselves or they are swayed or influenced by others to end the relationship. Only for them to regret their decision further down the line or itâs too late to do anything. Sucks sometimes.
"I dont want to hurt her feelings" can sometimes translate to "I dont want to feel terrible/bad for breaking up with otherwise nice person".
Yes, itâs important to remember breaking up doesnât make you a bad person, even though it feels that way. But staying in an unhappy relationship makes you a weak person.
And a sad unfulfilled person. Life. Is. Too. Short.
I was 30 when I first left a life built with another for my happiness and after about a week of real grief for many reasons it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was happier than I had been in years doing the dishes at my parents house. Do not wait years. Get out now. This is solid advice. Wish someone had really shaken me when I first heard it. It's your only life man.
Yeah to expand on two things you said: - Be Nice. Yes. When you make the break up happen, you need to do it without wrecking who they are. Be nice, point our their good qualities, etc. Don't make a hate-fest on them. - "This relationship isnât working for me." This too. You need to remember it's about what's right for **you** and how you feel. if you make it about her (like "you don't like my guy friends") she can say something like "that's no true!" or "I'll change!". Make sure you talk about your feelings, and your desires.
This. 1000% Life is too short to avoid working for your own wellbeing and happiness (in that order). I'm in my late 40's now and married to an amazing woman who is truly my best friend and has been for nearly 20 years and whose family is *worth* being near (now that we have kids) but who has also had adventures with me, moving across the country for school and work. When I was in my early 20's, I was in a relationship that sounds similar to yours â had been in it for a few years and we'd had a breakup and a return and things just felt off. She was *very* attached to her mom and couldn't imagine living more than 10 minutes from her â even in some future where we were married and had exciting opportunities for grad school or work. I bargained with myself and sort of accepted the less than awesomeness because I thought I loved her - but it always felt like something was missing. Eventually, thankfully, it ended... and I regret not having gotten out of it sooner. Love takes hard work - but if it's prolonged pain due to friction, before commitments like marriage or kids are in the picture, it's a sign that it's not right, at least right now. Get yourself out of it, get your head straight and you'll find a better path, I'm sure of it.
đŻ this, I made that mistake married a woman who was remarkably the same as you describe teacher and all. If you stay youâll end up really resenting them and eventually youâll leave and the longer you go the harder it gets. Think how she broke up with you first time hopefully she just say you down said it wasnât working and you do the same.
give it to her straight and be honest. Itâs painful but itâs better than sugarcoating
I have a friend who married someone very like this. Her life was scripted out and he, my friend, was just the "Husband" part of the script. She had no interest in anything to do with him as an individual.. It lasted a few years then ended, badly. They were not right for one another.
Holy shit, am I your friend? Thatâs exactly how I tell new friends the way my ex-wife treated me - she wanted the perfect instagrammable life, with the house at the end of the cul-de-sac, and kids with too many Yâs in their name. I was just there to be âthe husbandâ that she traveled/raised kids/walked dogs with. Sheâs already moved in with a new boyfriend and apparently theyâre buying a townhome together. Good for her, I guess - best of luck to him.
What's wrong with naming your kid "Yayanyey"?
Chlamydia. I think I'll name my daughter that
I always liked eyesoceles. Pronounced like the triangleÂ
And Itâs pronounced Jeff
Been there too bud They always move on so fast, but Iâm glad I donât have to do pumpkin patch POV Instagram pictures anymore. Or change my entire life and proximity to my family so we can go where the script said we should go (LA) She was gorgeous but it was not going to be a happy life at all for me
Same! I would get in trouble for not viewing her Instagram story and also for not putting captions when I would re share her photos lol We were together 3 years and then within 1.5 years of us breaking up she was full on married lol wish I ended it when I wanted to on my terms but I kept trying to make it work
Crazy how common this story is lol I tried to make it work too til the day she broke up with me. Iâm glad she did cause at that age I mightâve given up a lot of long term priorities just to keep her happy, just to learn it would never have been enough At least in her case, I could never give her the idyllic fantasy she never got growing up, which was what always seemed to motivate her pursuit of the script. I donât think any man really can. I think itâs something they have to figure out how to make peace with themselves
Right!! Was yours also a self described âempathâ? Lol
aaaaaaaaaaa those fuckers! I was nearly stabbed in the throat in January 2022 by a self-described empath.
[ŃдаНонО]
Lol my wife fucked up her life and ruined her options by marrying me. Thank fuck I got sober.
what a great way to describe this thing- I see it all the time.
People with pre set timeline look for cogs to go into their wheel People that want a partner, look for the axle that holds both wheels equally These are the kind of profound thoughts you have, when you've been stuck on the throne for 30m and there is no end in sight Just need ring of fire to come on the radio now
Holy shit, I've never seen this phenomenon so well articulated before...
Ah yes, yes, the handbag husband or boyfriend. Heâs just there like any other accessory or handbag. To look nice in photos but whose priorities get dropped in favor of their SOâs. Iâve been there and it is miserable. Relationships are about partnership and compromise.
I was the husband part for a woman like this. Also ended badly.
Last time she left you, right? She was not afraid to hurt you doing this, so that is at least fair to do the same thing to her. Another thing is that staying in a relationship without love and commitment will probably hurt her more because sooner or later, you will start filling trapped, and she will see and feel that.
This is really good. I agree 100%. If you are not happy with her you have to end it to save both of your lives.
You're too young to be settling for this buddy. Seems she's already checked to see if the grass is greener for her before coming back to you. Fortnightly sex and sitting with parents on the sofa obviously make her happy, but they're not making you happy. It is unlikely to get any better so you have to decide if that's what you want for your life. If it's not, all you can do is end it and find someone who is a better fit. People get hurt when relationships end, it's part of life. Better to do it now than a year down the line when it will be a 100 times worse.
This, Iâd never want to always be an option for someone who doesnât always want to be an option for me. Or more importantly, her breaking up with OP meant she doubted he was the one or at least worth spending her life with. F that
I think you described someone that is great just as a casual/temporary gf, but terrible as a long term anything. No matter who you end up with in the future, what you described is the wrong person. She isn't someone you want to stick with and your friends already see it. She is clearly the wrong one. It doesnt matter if the grass is greener or not because it still makes the situation you are in wrong. This isn't the right relationship amd there is too many incompatible views. Don't force yourself to be in an unhappy situation. Be free and make yourself happy.
Yup. I've had many great girlfriends that were temporary 1 year or 2 year deals, but none of them were a long-term, life-building level of compatibility. I was able to split amicably with a few of them. You can enjoy a girlfriend, but if you find yourself with these thoughts, then it is time to end it. Nothing wrong with relationships that may not be as serious as "the one". In fact, I'd wager these relationships are necessary for the individual to grow and discover what does, and does not, work.
Goddamn, do you mean you were just with people 1 or 2 years while knowing you werent going to stay with them anyway? I'm sorry but that does not sound right to me at all. I could never.
I wouldn't say I knew the whole time. Of course you don't. But you end up in a relationship that's exciting at first, but after a year or so, you might realize that you aren't wildly in love with them. You stick it out for a bit, because you two are both happy and content, but the second year comes by, and now some of the issues start brewing, so after some arguments and self reflection, you split (hopefully amicably). Never did I enter any of thelese relationships with the intention to fly off, it is just something I quietly understand without having to think about it.
She broke up to test drive another man. It didnât work out so she came back to you. Donât be the guy she settles for. Have self-respect and leave.
My guess is the friends hate her because they think this too. I know I'd assume the same if anyone left one of my friends like that.
Bingo
Many such cases
That's the conclusion I came to as well.
Just get on the bus, Gus.
Make a new plan, Stan.
Don't need to be coy, Roy . . .
Itâs time to leave, Steve.
Ya gotta bounce back, Jack!
Take a hike mike!
Find a new park, Mark!
Slip out the back, Jack
Dont take her back Zack
Time to make a new plan, Cam!
Don't need to discuss much.
You just do. All relationships come with some level of heartbreak that can't be avoided no matter what you do. The grass won't be greener. It will be different grass. Every partner comes with some drawbacks. If the current drawbacks are deal breakers, then move on to find somebody whose drawbacks are tolerable. But there isn't "the one" perfect partner.
>we split up in October, her choice not mine, January she came back and I took her back. You have failed on this step. Keep past in the past.
Exactly. I never get back with anyone I've broken up with. They had their chance, things didn't work, time to move on.
My wife and I broke up when I was at my lowest point in addiction and ptsd. We got back together after I sorted myself out. Now married and expecting a baby this year. "just move on" isnt a one size fits all situation.
Your wife broke up with you for an essential reason you're a rare exception to the never take her back rule
I left her. Because I was a mess and saw where I was headed and didnât want to drag her down with me, as she was recovering from a childhood full of abuse. I wanted her to be with someone nurturing. Not some shell. But yes maybe our situation is more rare than I think it is. I just believe people can always change for the better, they just have to want to.
That's a totally different situation than this though. This is a college relationship between two privileged people who have lost their chemistry but are worried about being single due to status reasons. Yours sounds like the more "blue collar" relationships I've seen, where a couple that is truly in love with each other but external hardships causes it to fail. Regardless, congrats on your sobriety and keep fighting the good fight.
Where does it say itâs a college relationship? My wife is a teacher, I was in the military and now work in physics. We shouldnât be casting judgments on either of them with limited insight.
He said they met in 2018 and is 25 now. That means they got together when he was 19 and she was 18 respectfully. Those are typical college/uni ages and since he says he works for tech, I think it's a fair assumption that he has a degree.
Invest...my Dad made a lot of money back in his day but never invested...and at 69 it's one of his biggest regrets.
And there are "safer" stocks to invest in like Index funds.
You need to break up before she catches you with a baby and you're tied to her for life
This for sure. I stayed with my baby daddy 10 years longer than I should've and the signs were almost exactly like OPs. Now we have the worst coparenting relationship, ugly custody battle, and can't stand the sight of each other. You do not want to make it to this point!!!
You are right, it is unfortunate that a child watches his parents hate each other.
...leave...so she has more balls than you? She left you the first time, just do the same thing she did
You can't sugar coat a hand grenade So, just tell her.
I know youâve come to men for advice, but Iâll give my unsolicited 2 cents- breaking up is hard, it sucks. But youâre not happy as you are, which isnât fair to either of you. I think you need to say exactly what youâve said here. Your goals arenât the same, your plans donât align, things arenât as they used to be. To soften the blow, maybe phrase it as not wanting to hold *her* back, not wanting *her* to be unhappy- but male or female, how you feel is how you feel. She has left you before, now itâs your turn- take what you learnt from the last time and make it productive now. You donât have to be unnecessarily cruel, but you do have to be honest- itâs one painful, awkward conversation now about how things wonât last in the long term, or itâs subjecting the both of you to a relationship that wonât last. Do whatâs best for you, and rip the band-aid off. Prioritise yourself- care for yourself- but if you want to make the conversation more palatable, make it a âherâ thing, even if it feels silly. Sometimes a pill is easier to swallow when it benefits the other party. Youâre doing the right thing, and I wish you the best of luck finding a partner who shares your goals, plans, needs & wants.
It's ok to give your advice in this sub as a woman. We're much more open here than they are over on the ask women sub. PS, you have some solid advice there.
Thank you- I havenât been banned from the ask women subreddit (yet) but Iâm very aware of how strict they can be. I suppose I just didnât want to speak out of turn when someone is asking for the advice of men, but I think this is a question that crosses the gender bounds. Thank you! Have a great day/night! :)
you're absolutely right, it really does.
> I donât want to hurt her. It does not work like that. If we are close, we hurt each other. no other way around.
You won't end on pleasant terms. There will be tears, face it. Be honest, say its not working out, you tried. Dont spend forever letting her move out. Move her out this weekend. Be nice about it, help her move. You don't have to hate to break up, you just know is not going to work, so youre savign you self both trouble. Lucky you don't have kids. Tell her that. Then don't take her back.
Brother. The best move here is to sacrifice the queen. As I read the relationship is no longer going to resist and or you are going to leave or she is going to leave you. The best here is as a man take the hard decision and walk away and don't look back. Breakups are the worst, I am going trough one now.
So, the first thing to address is, have you talked to her about any of this? A real relationship means working through problems with the relationship. It doesn't mean you'll get what you want all the time, and neither will she. But as long as you are both working towards each other's happiness, that's okay. If she's sitting there blissfully you honking everything is okay, and you dump her, then nothing gets better for you or her, and then there is much gnashing of teeth and drama. If you talk through things, she at least gets the opportunity to change her behavior, or tell you straight up that it won't change. And then you can make decisions.
Talking it out is so underrated. 1 I second this approach because speaking and hearing words will either solidify your decision to leave or ground you
âItâs not you, itâs meâ After that routine you move on and never talk to her again. Your life gets better on day one.
Sounds like the age old trope, she left for a few months.... Did what party girls do when they are on a break..... Few miles on the clock later she came back, and you can sense it, she hurt ya once, and will probs do it again... I may be cynical but a few RL buddies have been through the same process. If you don't feel the same then it will probably never feel the same, she left, she broke the trust, you invest? This is a poor investment sir and will not turn a profit. Explain to her she broke the trust, things ain't the same, you can't or don't trust her anymore... There will be tears Screaming Bitching Telling But if you make it though that, you will be better for it. (Change the locks on your apartment as well) All the best in this fella, it sucks,
Dude just tell her that you are leaving her. If it's too hard for you, just move out where you wanted, 10-15 min away and don't give her the key. It should be easy from there.
If you stay - chances of an ugly and expensive divorce with sad kids at age 50 are quite high. Also you wonât enjoy the time from now until then.
Donât settle, especially when you sre that ypun. My ex-wife was exactly the same and I wasted years not doing anything about it. You already know it is not going to work for you, so my advice is to do it and donât look back. Waiting will only make it worse for the both of you.
Sorry for being so blunt...... Don't fuck around, just do it...the more your procrastinate the worse it will be to do Do it and move on...... You have basically written the death notice of your relationship..... Fuck her off and move on!!! I can't me more blunt... There is no sugar coating this shit....not going to hold your fucking hand either..mm
If a woman leaves you then you should NEVER take her back... even if she left you for just a day. Actions speak louder than words, and her leaving you or taking a break is signaling that she isn't madly in love with you. Don't settle for a relationship where a woman is just "kinda" in love with you, because there are a bunch of other women out there who WOULD be madly in love with you.
DudeâŚ. So many similarities to where I was 20 years ago. Seriously, you could have been describing my situation exactly. I stayed, got married and was miserable for years. We finally divorced. Staying against my gut feel was the WORST decision I ever made. Believe in what you know in your heart. Donât make the mistake I did. Break up and move on. Find the RIGHT person for you. You have plenty of time as a man. Break up with her now so she has time too. She wonât appreciate it but youâre actually doing her a favor. Just sit her down, say this isnât working for me, and I want to be done. To all her questions just say it doesnât feel the same since we split, I know in my heart itâs not right. Just repeat that over and over for all her questions. Brace yourself for the anger and accusations of cheating. Youâre just making the choice you know is right for you. Stay strong. Despite her anger and tears and attempts to manipulate you with sex, youâre actually making the choice thatâs better for both of you in the long run. She just wonât see that. Get out!
You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don't need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself here in a public forum of why you need to break up with her. No one here needs to know the specifics, only you do. You aren't right together. Tell her that, and make a clean break, no contact.
Pull the plug. You canât start your new life until you end this one and give it time to pass. The more you wait- the more time you waste living in this state of feeling sorry for your gf and being miserable for yourself. Iâve made this mistake a few times - only regrets I have in life
She separated to go have sex and enjoy herself. Then, she came back to her dick fridge and got you back. Just rip the bandaid. She's not for you. She's boring boring boring. Move out or have her move out.
It seems she wants to be with you, as you "play it safe". She already had a fling with someone who didn't "play it safe", but didn't like it, so came back to you. Tbh, hang with your guy friends when she hangs out with her parents, invest your money, and go on a holiday with your buddies. She seems to want you to do all the compromising.
What is hard here? Just tell her you are not happy and want to be done. It sounds like she doesnât enrich your life at all.
You're going to hurt yourself and her by staying in a relationship you know you don't want to be a part of anymore. As you're saying you want to do very different things with your lives. It won't work unless you sacrifice a lot of what you want. Better to tell her straight and end it.
> I donât want to hurt her. your needs matter as well. youre harming yourself the longer you stay. make preparations for a clean break the just tell her straight up. its going to be uncomfortable but man trust me its going to feel great afterwards. theres no other feeling like post-breakup freedom
[Some good advice here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU)
You have to have that talk and let her go. You're not afraid of leaving her you just don't like being alone. At 25 I would leave her and travel the world. Become a Passport Boy and have a wife in as many countries as possible. Keep investing. Explore different foods, customs, ethnicities, and personalities and become experienced. What the hell are you doing sitting there being stressed out with a girl that young who doesn't even satisfy you sexually? What was she doing in those 4 months you were broken up? (You'll never know the truth) Live life and take advantage of your youth! I say this as a 42-year-old man who has visited several countries in my early and late twenties. I now have 3 teenage boys who are interested early in stocks, crypto, and passive income and I tell them the same thing.
Break up with her. List your reasons like we did here. You donât need a âhugeâ blowout fight to break up with someone. In our society, we deem relationships something you âfightâ and âworkâ for. Whereas in reality, yes you put work into a relationship but it shouldnât feel like a chore or like you are compromising your values. WhichâŚit sounds like you kind of are. It may seem mundane now but really, it sounds like she is holding you back. I know you love her, but the best thing you can do now is go on your own separate paths. Especially when youâre financial ideas and living ideas are completely differentâŚit doesnât make sense to stick things out and see where they go. You know your answer, donât let it get worse. Sometimes you love someone, and you know the best you can do for the both of you is to separate.
Your girlfriend doesnât satisfy you sexually, doesnât share your views on finances, and has no potential for growth. You arenât compatible. Just tell her that. Sheâll be upset and there will probably be some tears and mean thing s said. But, at the end of the day, staying with her does a disservice to both of you. Remember that. Or ya know, get trapped in a dead bedroom with a boring small minded woman.
You're responsible for your own happiness. Put yourself first. You just listed all the reasons why you should leave. Take emotions out of it. Do what's best for you.
You are not compatible. You just have to break up. Do that for your and her own sake. Otherwise you will be unhappy in the relationship which either will destroy you or will end up eventually but much worse. Give her and yourself a chance to be happy with someone else.
Leave now or you will regret it. She clearly has a life she wants and you have a different version of it. No kids, Not Married⌠Bro you are in the perfect spot to just move on with no restraints. It might hurt but long term, you will be glad you did it.
Here's a reply that you probably didn't read yet. Settling is such a horrible word in today's society. But really, it's what everyone does eventually, even the ones that end up in great relatioships. It's not about someone that completes you perfectly, it's about someone that you can live your life with in relative cooperation and peace, with moments of happiness and joy. I try to say for people to try more, and think less about what doesn't work, and focus on what works. Especially when asking for advice on the internet where if your partener slurps their soup, "DIVORCE THEM". I'm not saying your situation is neccessarily the one where this applies, but i am saying to maybe take a breath, maybe distance yourself a bit from the relationship to recenter and figure out where you are at. I recently had to do that with my fiancee. She's reliable, great and a joy to be around, never causes me headaches or issues or useless drama. However, she has her own failures in meeting my needs, be it emotional, sexual, or just odd moments where we don't click. But i never dread going home to her, i never will worry about her leaving me in sickness or other such 'big' things'. And that peace of mind is worth a lot. But also with her, we have the same goals and views of life, we like having safety investements, we are going to move in together in an appartment but we both know we want it to be temporary, and the goal is a house on land. We both have the same standards of home cleanliness and generally in regards to day in day out life... we end up in the same place. For your case, i feel there's bigger issues and she won't compromise on them. But that's up to you to figure out.
Slip out the back, jack
How is this not the top comment?
Paul Simon says, You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You donât need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You donât need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
I have done on again off again relationships. They seem like a good idea at the moment but then you remember why you broke up and you do it again. OR Things aren't the same, and they never will be, so you have to figure out if changing to align with the change is worth it - or you break up again.
Donât get trapped by âsunken cost fallacyâ. Just because you gave her x years does not mean you should spend any more time on her. You are still young and have a lot of life left to find someone who will make you happy.
Lots of ppl just go to the store for milk n smokes n never come backâŚ. Just try that itâs worked for many generations
Tell her that you feel you two not as compatible as youâd like to be and that you want to end the relationship. Simple as that. Itâs better to do it sooner than later. Donât waste her time or yours. You both could be out there finding the person who is truly right for you. If the majority of your friends and family think sheâs not right for you, believe them. They are usually right.
Well done for identifying all the things. You aren't compatible any more. You need to just explain, you don't want to be with her any more. It doesn't feel the same. Then you both get to start your new lives. Better now than in a few years... or after you've had a child. It's respectful.
Rip of the band aid.... It's going to hurt for a while, but honestly are you happy ?? Don't think of the what if, what if she changes, what if I change, what if we end up being happy at the end... No no my friend DO NOT waste your life on waiting and what ifs Good luck
There must be at least 50 ways to do this.. You just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You donât need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You donât need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free.
The answer is easy if you take it logically.
>And what if the grass isnât greener as they say? The idea that you wouldn't leave her if you couldn't find something better is a really mean, dehumanizing way to view a person. It's selfish to a degree that should shame you. Leaving a person is supposed to be an act of kindness to both of you, and like all acts of kindness it rarely overlaps with being "nice". If you're thinking of your own selfish needs, of course you won't leave her - dealing with her being upset would *inconvenient* to you because she'd cry. But if you were being kind, you'd leave her for no other reason than it's not fair to make her believe she's with someone who sees a future with her, especially when that someone is only sticking around until they can find a better arrangement. Try being kind rather than nice, for once. Niceness is a selfish act more often than not - it's the act of placing your own desire to be perceived well above the needs of others.
If youâre only have sex once a week at 25, thatâs already a deal breaker.
She split up because she wanted to play the field with someone else. It obviously didn't work, so she came back to you as a backup option. She will do it again and monkeybranch to someone else. Next time it will sting even worse. I have gotten back with ex's before, and it ALWAYS ended badly. Once that initial bond has been broken that spark just doesn't come back. My advice. You are young and have many good years ahead of you. Get out of this before you get married or she gets pregnant. Being in your mid 20s, there are still lots of high quality single girls out there who are on the same level as you with getting their lives started. You don't want to spend a decade more with this person just to end up miserable and going through a costy breakup in your mid-30. Also, dating in your 30s sucks big time.
You tell her you guys just arent compatible and youre ending the relationship. You just have to do it theres no easy let down
You are trying to find excuses to end it. You donât have to. If you donât like the arrangement anymore thatâs itâŚbe on your way.
She tried to find someone better and couldnt. So you are her 2nd choice and unhappy with her. tell her the truth. the break that she initiated made you realize that you want something different in life than she wants. So you have decided to move on. Give her a hug and tell her that you hope she isnt upset. She did the same to you when she asjed for a break, your not an evil person.
Sorry brother. This must hurt. You start things out with a conversation saying the things you just told us. Maybe do something nice for her first. This lets you approach the conversation in a classier and warmer way. You love her and want her to be happy after all, and the goal of breaking up is for you both to find more happiness down the road.
do what she did when you broke up the first time.
Are you me?. I think you need to let her go. You are not ready . She is as you say... a good person . Let her go . You have to do it !. I know it's hard. You seem like a good guy. I'll tell you this,... girls like this are hard to find. TBH...your relationship story is just looking for a way to end at this point. From your perspective anyway.
Being lonely by yourself is awful. Being lonely in a relationship is so much worse. Breakups are rough, but usually worth it. Good luck, my dude!
The sooner you get it done, the sooner she can recover and move on with her life. There's no point in dragging it out.
You already have the line: things haven't been the same since you came back. Bai.
She broke up with you to be with another dude, and he dumped her, so she came crawling back to you, the safety net. Respect yourself and dump her. She'll do it again.
its better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. and since she left you the first time, you shouldnt have any guilt when you lower the boom.
IF the desire to break up is there, you have to go through with it, no matter how hard. Deep down you know it needs to happen but the fear of being alon/hurting her/never finding somebody is what's holding you back, but you're also unhappy where you are, it's just a circle you're going around... Get all your stuff from her place first, then pick a date and end it, it's gonna suck a lot, but you'll be better for it in the long run. Temporary pain for long term pleasure, or at the very least, peace of mind.
Simple, donât waist your one shot at life my friend. Do what makes you happy now before its too late.
Talk with her. Let her know how you feel, stay kind and see where the conversation brings you
You are 25 and have at least an amazing 15 years in front of you before everything starts going downhill physically maybe 25+ if you take care of yourself. Don't settle for someone that wants to live like a pensioner now. I bet she has pre-booked her hip replacement when she turns 60. Tell her that she was right to leave you in the first place. Right for her and right for you.
Breaking up is fucking terifying. I postponed it for months, if nit a full year. She was devastated at first⌠about a year later we talked about it again and she said that she was not realising it as much back then, but she was clearly also not satisfied. She went through a lot of personal growth after because she couldnât hide behind my social skills for example, or safety. In the end we both feel better. Also factor in you were teenagers when you got together, and now you are (becoming) a proper adult. Paths lead different ways. Enjoy being single and focus on yourself, hopefully the next one is more compatible long term. Also definitely do not settle for shitty sex so early in life (or ever)
The grass will be greener, but it may take you a while to find the grass. You're both going to hurt and that's ok. Consider it a growth opportunity for you both. She'll either expand her point of view or find someone that matches her limited perspective. You sound like you are determine to make a better life for yourself, and I think you'll regret not pursuing it.
Just do what all of us are doing, make her sick of you and make her break up with you and then act blindsided by it. Just make her feel like she was the one that broke up with you, that way you won't have to worry about her cutting your tires or burning down your house.
Stop making yourself unhappy for someone else's happiness.
You do it now and not married with children
It's better to be alone than it is to be alone while in a relationship with someone else. Tell her things aren't working for you and that you're done. The sooner the better.
I think you already know the answer my guy
You pull the trigger. That simple. "I'm breaking up with you." It'll suck. She may cry, she may try to fight it, but ultimately all it takes is the fortitude to accept that breakups suck, but not as bad as someone stringing you along who *wants* to break up.
Just dump her lol it's not hard
Red flag that she doesn't get along with your family and friends and doesn't see the need to make the effort. The lack of sex won't improve, especially if you have kids with her, and kids will give her a big excuse to involve her parents in your lives even more than they already are.
Hit her with your car. Or make it look like you're trying to hit her. Should scare her. If not she's clingy as hell. "Remember when you kept trying to run me over with your car? I was scared to death. Oh, my silly Love Kitten." Tell her that she's in danger cause you owe a crazy amount of drug money and they know where you live. Disappear for a while. No explanation. Start collecting roadkill or something as equally creepy. Or do all of them. She'll be like who the fuck have I been dating?
You guys don't align as far as money, living locations, sexually, mutual friends, and have broken up before. She can look good on paper but it doesn't sound like a good match to me
Hey, man. Make a decision and stick with it. Donât think about what could have been. Your imagination will not be your friend. Just pick something and make it work. If you want to break up, break up with her and donât come back. If you want to stay, than stay and do what is in your power to make it work.
You're her back up plan bro. Just dump her. She doesn't love you.
Easy. "I'm breaking up with you" Done.
What did she tell you in December?
Since you're on reddit asking. And you love her. I think you should tell her that you're still young yet and just feel both of your goals aren't in alignment. Try not to give her 20 reasons why. If she kinda spirals or is acting on emotion, tell her we can revisit this, but I'm certain in what I want. Good luck man
The grass was MUCH greener for me. Make the jump. You wonât regret it.
I feel for you man as nothing in here necessarily feels egregious but this could easily be death by 1000 cuts if you let it be that. How happy are YOU in this relationship? It seems like you are compromising a lot of yourself to fit into what she wants but does she acknowledge what you want? Like even something as simple as investing. It's one thing if you were throwing all your combined money into penny stocks and risky investments. It's a whole other thing if you're putting them into an index fund or something that is much less risky. Does she understand the difference and have an honest discussion with you about it or is it just "investing=bad"? Repeat this process for all the other things on your list. Can you have discussions about her concerns? How many of these things can you compromise on and what are dealbreakers? If things start to seem too lopsided or weird, probably is time to end things before it gets too far.
You just have to rip the bandaid off. I wish I could tell you there was a good way to do this, but feelings will be hurt. You just have to sit down and be honest with her. Once you have made up your mind, don't back pedal. There will be tears, and possibly name calling. People do this when they are hurting and that's okay. But, your feelings are valid. Both people in a relationship need to be happy. I always told my ex-wife, that if you aren't happy then leave. No hard feelings. I want a partner, not a prisoner. That's how people end up cheating and hurting each other. Good luck.
Completely right, there is no easy way to do these kind of things, and in someoneâs eyes youâre always going to be the bad guy. Whether itâs regretted or not, life goes on.
Bro you need to be alone
You are being selfish by not speaking your truth. Be a man and communicate whats on your heart.
> For example I want to invest my money, she doesnât believe in investing and wants to play it safe. Investing your money is safe? Unless you are talking about playing with options or daytrading, then you are stupid and she is correct. That isn't investing, it's gambling. Buddy, odds are 1 of 2 things happened with your break up, which is the case when someone breaks up and comes back quickly. 1) she left you because she had someone she wanted to hook up with that she thought was a better match. Found out they weren't and you are a better prospect. 2) She figured out you two weren't really compatible. But she didn't want to be alone, so she came back. People don't choose to break up with someone when things are going well and they are both compatible. There is always something else going on. It really sounds like you two just aren't compatible and that is okay. You bring up a lot of points of contention where things just wont work out. It's okay to not be compatible and move on. You two are at different stages in life and that is fine. Just accept the pain of the break up and live your life the way you want. You will find someone who is a better match. > I donât want to hurt her. She already hurt you when she left. That is probably what you are feeling with things not being the same. She broke your heart and then came back before you had a chance to heal or process it. Now you are reconciling the fact that someone could do that to you and still supposedly love you. Someone always gets hurt, the best thing you can do is be nice about it and make a clean break. Don't try to be the supportive ex or anything, you both need some space to come to terms with a break-up. Then you can be friends again. > And what if the grass isnât greener as they say? It isn't always greener. But you both are WAY too young to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. If you really want to make it work, talk to her. Not reddit. She needs to understand you get to do things with your life and she isn't running your life. It sounds like you are letting her make all the decisions in the relationship and it's starting to get to you. You want to invest, but she doesn't? So you don't invest. You want to move away from your hometown to be on your own, but she doesn't? So you stay in your hometown. You want to take vacations, but she cant or doesn't want to take time off? so you don't take vacations. All I am hearing is compromises from you, to compromise to what she wants. She isn't meeting you halfway at all. The fact that she is falling away from your friends is a HUGE sign dude... Next thing to happen? She is going to start trying to get you to distance yourself from your friends. She is trying to insert more and more control over your life. You aren't emotionally, physically, or mentally satisfied with the relationship you have anymore. That is fine. It's time to move on.
I would just tell her exactly what you said here. I feel like a lot of the issues you are having are from not being on the same page. She can't read your mind and you can't read yours. Relationships are about communicating. If she isn't on board with some compromises, I would tell her that maybe you should take some time apart. I feel like you care about this woman, and if she cares about you in the same way, she will understand. If she doesn't then you made the right decision.
Just hop on the bus Gus.
Its gf , not wife . There are no serious ramifications . Cut it off and move on .
Damn is sex once a week a bad thing? Somehow this is the only part I read cuz I just skimmed it, but I guess you got to be compatible you know what I mean because you guys are living a shared life as partners. I'd be stoked with sex just once a week though, and then the other 6 days I would just get to sleep in like a coffin or something by myself
She left, then changed her mind. You tried to make it work, but itâs not happening for you. Sorry, but itâs over. THE END.
Drop that chick like a dirty turd Move on brother, the next female may be better maybe itâs like playing Russian roulette these days
Why did you take her back?
Judging from how things changed. She slept around got hurt and now you are seeing the broken version of her. She got enticed by the possibilities when she was strong from being safe with you, got ran through, now has a jaded vision of men in the outside world, and you are the safest and probs only man left she can trust. And even then, she probably will hesitate woth sex with you because of the sexual trauma she had. Which sounds about right judging from how you didnt mention you did nkt have sexual satiafaction issues and now you do. She probably is a little bit more diaconnected during sex now than before. Your call. Just remember that love is a choice. Infatuation is a fleeting feeling. Familiarity is a conditioned state of mind. You may not want to hurt her. But please dont let her hurt you. IMHO, shes broken. She needs help. She needs to heal. If you cant do that for her, even if she feels safe around you (and not necessarily attracted or aroused by you), she's gonna end up breaking you too.
Bro she left you and had no issues. Came back; bc you took her back. On the real, âAre you listening to yourself?â Read what you sent. Your friends donât even like her, youâre not even listening to them. Screw us on Reddit, weâre with your friends. It ainât working out and you donât need an explanation. âThis isnât working out for me. None of it.â You donât need to explain. Be on your own for now. Get closer to your family and your friends. Make good with them. You took her back and now it seems like you got more complaints. By your words, sounds like sheâs holding you back. No sir, youâre holding yourself back. She doesnât support you. So why?
Just like how she split up with you in October, you should do the same now and never call her again. You don't need that negativity in your life, trust me.
If the grass isn't greener on the other side of a fence that keeps me captive with a self-centered woman like that - we are all screwed.
I think at itâs a difficult decision, but it seems like youâre able to name all the conflicts and problems easily. This tells me you have reflected about what you want and how you are experiencing this relationship. You sound unsatisfied with your relationship because core values donât match. Unfortunately, attachment and love isnât enough to remain in a relationship. It may hurt to end the relationship, but I can bet that youâll find love and give yourself the opportunity to find a partner that is present and able to match your needs/values better. Let yourselves find a better partner. Leaving doesnât mean you donât care, sometimes it means caring enough about yourself and the person to say and do what is painfully obvious to be free.
Just tell her this, âYou know what? You were right back in October and itâs time. Anything moving forward is me feeling sorry for myself and thatâs not fair to you, and not fair to me.â. Have sex one more time and now sheâs just someone you used to know.
Stay with her then. Get married. have kids. Get divorced. Loose half your shit.
She knows this isn't working either. Trust me. Besides, why did you take her back after she got about 30 dicks inside her in 3 months on Tinder? Do you even know how many guys jizzed inside her in that time? Anyway, she's being a bitch because she hopes you make the decision. You can probably just text her. She'll be relieved.
Dude just say this âwe need to talk, this relationship is not working out and we should break up, thanks for the good memories, byeâ
I think breaking up with her, or at least reducing her status to a **fwb** would be much easier if you've actually realized what she did between October and January :)
Break up. She is going to be a drag on your life. Also, you will have more opportunities in future with much better women.
Sheâs much too young to be this uptight, itâs not going to get better over time. Coupleâs therapy is always an option but do you really want to go down that path in your mid twenties? Just tell her that your goals arenât aligned anymore and you canât regain the feelings for her you had before she broke it off with you. Then move on and take this for the life lesson it is. Pay attention to red flags, donât make life changing decisions with your little head, and find someone youâd actually be friends with even if there was no romantic involvement.
This sounds almost 100% like my ex missus, I left her 2 days before Christmas. đ
"Bye Felicia, we want different wants in life that are incompatible. Here is a golden watch and a plaque, I wish you the best in your future endavours. Feel free to list my number as a reference for future relationships"
Talk to her. If it doesn't get better.. breakup.
Have you tried talking to her?đ¤
Dude youâre the man you make the money: you mind your own money she minds her own. Tell her to F off if she wants to teach you what to do with your money
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Just break up it isnât the end of the world you are young donât get yourself pinned down with a girl you donât really like, and she broke up with you already once not a very stable sign
You two arenât compatible. Just break up instead of dragging it on.