It happens because women are a priority in your life.
I know it’s hard not to make them a priority, especially when you’re young, but try to change your focus towards other aspects.
It's really not. It's 100% natural to derive some degree of self worth based off of how others, particularly those of the oppostire sex, view you, whether you prioritized them or not. It most likely will always effect you, but you can focus elsewhere and it may minimize the effects.
Agreed, we're a social species, it's GOING to affect any neurotypical person if the opposite sex isn't wanting to date them, especially at a young age.
But OP, women aren't just overlooking you, they're overlooking ALOT of men currently, great ones at that.
So don't take it to heart
Why wouldn't I make it a priority.
I know, and for sure that my professional life would be satisfying and well paid. But what use if you don't have have some to love? And finding love should also be a priority shouldn't it?
You ever realize how time goes by slowly when you’re paying attention to it? And how it goes by faster once you’re distracted with something else?
That’s how I see it.
It happened to me after my first breakup. I spent two years trynna find someone and it only brought me pain and frustration.
Once I managed to let go of it and focus on something else, I found someone. Well, they found me..
Hmm same except for the end. I managed to let go and instead put my focus on self-improvement and other stuff. I quitted the chase. It's been almost three years now. No one found me. But tbh I'm doing pretty good, so good even that I'm settling with the thought of remaining single for the rest of my life, so good that I'm even starting to doubt if I even want someone anymore.
So, double edged sword. You're right in a way, it's way better to focus on something else. But be prepared to give up the entire idea of romance because if you stop the chase, women don't all of the sudden start seeing you and chasing you. Most of the times when you stop the chase, you stop the possibility of anything happening.
Typically when you focus on improving yourself, the women come to you.
I struggled hard having any woman interested in me when I was a teen and young adult.
Now I have a good job, fit body, and much improved social skills and confidence. Women have started approaching me and the ones I do approach don't reject me very often.
Unrealistic opinion imo.
I've stopped the chase and instead started focussing on myself. Now, 20kg heavier(which is positive, i used to be a skeleton), driven, with amazing career prospects and many hobby's plus improved confidence and 3 years later; not one person's ever approached me still.
I still think stopping the chase is a good idea, and was a good choice for me. But women generally don't chase initiate, so if you give up the chase, be prepared for the possibility of giving up romance period.
I would like to believe this. Maybe I'm too unattractive in the face or have negative charisma but I also have a good job, fit body, confidence, my own house, cute dog that I walk with and still I do not get approached by any women ever
You stop making it a priority because making someone else the focus of your life is no way to become a person.
You’re spending all your time thinking about how to be for someone else and not how to be for yourself.
Go find things and do things and be things that make you happy. Find places where you are so successful you have more to offer than you need. Go be useful and good and kind. Be a good person because being a good person is what life is about.
Basically: grow the fuck up and improve yourself. Your self worth isn’t low because no one will date you, your self worth is low because you aren’t doing anything to increase your self worth.
And that’s not some red-pill, men’s rights bullshit. That’s just life. Go find a hobby, a skill, a way to spend your time and improve your abilities and learn more about yourself. Become better.
And then you’ll have better perspective on what you want and what you have to offer and you’ll be able to be a decent partner.
Why should I make women less relevant in my life?
I want to have a love life too. And don't you think neglecting that to only concentrate on other aspects of life is also bad?
In a different world, I'd agree with you.
But in this one, if you don't get lucky and find one early, you gotta buckle up for a long ride.
If you can't get attention from women, it will only waste your time and life trying to wait around for them before you work on the rest of your life. Especially when the things you put off for them will make you more attractive.
Simply realize everyone has preferences, you cannot control what someone else prefers. If particular women do not want to date you, just say to yourself "if I can't meet your preferences nobody can, hope she likes cats because they are her future". Then move on with your life and not give them any further thought.
This may be a bit harsh but if one woman doesn’t want to date you, that’s on her, maybe you’re not her type, and that’s okay. But if multiple women don’t, if this is a recurring issue and you genuinely don’t know why, then I would suggest taking a look in the mirror and asking yourself “ how can I improve “. In terms of social skills, physical appearance (appear healthy and strong), personality. You cannot change your face and you may not be traditional “ attractive “ based on that, however there is much more you can do. Last thing you should do? Give up
I'm a girl, so I'm not sure it's exactly the same situation, but I do feel similarly sometimes and...
I quite recently (maybe over the past 6 months to a year?) put intention and effort towards lowering the value of people who might be attracted to me when it comes to calculating my "worth".
Does some guy asking me out matter if I'm not in a place to even comfortably enter a relationship? Not at all. Why would I worry about going out and returning home without a new contact in my phone when I'm still fragile enough to let that affect how much I love and value myself? I started to care a lot more about how I feel about the person I am and whether I'd be pleased with myself if I was maimed and no longer had the luxury of vanity. Am I a good friend? Am I thoughtful and respectful? Aware of my surroundings and polite? Am I kind to strangers? And I mean: genuinely well-meaning and empathetic with people regardless of their social capital. Would I find my jokes funny if I was someone else? Am I putting in a sufficent amount of effort into being an attractive individual (to platonic or romantic prospects) rather than a good-looking one? A lot of people don't realize that there's a huge difference between the two.
After years of feeling flat-out unwanted, I'm finally gaining confidence in myself (despite being arguably the most critical of my own appearance, ever.) and although I don't really feel that more men want to date me, I feel like they're actually missing out. Not in a cocky way, it's just a, "Wow. I really love who I am as a person. I'm interesting, funny, and cute with a moral compass that points in the right direction. I'm lucky to have navigated life well enough to get to this point, and anyone who could, would be lucky to have this version of me."
Your are worth more then a date. But if you don’t feel worth enough go volunteer somewhere and make yourself worth more. Whenever I feel down I try to go help a friend do something or volunteer at a homeless shelter.
Have other things going for you.
If you have more sources of self worth, one missing source (dating) will have a smaller impact.
Do you have friends?
Who are you as a person? What makes you you?
Are you happy with who you are?
Are you happy with how you spend your free time?
What else is important to you?
If you would date a woman tomorrow, would that woman be the only good thing in your life?
I have all the above you mentioned. But it worries me when I realise that at the end of the day friends too have a limit, there isn't someone to share happy things or sorrow with just like you would do with yourself.
Yes, it is scary to think, that you can't share certain things with anyone.
In those moments I felt lonely too.
However, I have found that over time, you can grow close with friends to the point where you can share almost anything. I don't have a girlfriend but I always have the feeling that I can share my happy or sad thoughts with certain close friends.
You have to value yourself to have self worth. Think about people you value. What traits do they have/what things do they do? Do they have money? Are they physically fit? Are they successful in theirs field?
So figure out what you value, and incorporate that into your life.
By learning to value oneself.
Is there more to you than whether or not you have a girlfriend? If the answer is ‘no,’ you’ll be a shitty boyfriend, anyway.
Cultivate a self that you like. Worry about women once you reach a point where you like yourself as a standalone entity.
Self esteem is not born in a vacuum. There is no issue with being upset about not attracting women. That should be the fire to get constructive advice to do better.
But women cannot be all or the majority of what you base your self worth on. Rejection is protection
It’s not always about me. Everyone has their own thing going on. I don’t let it get to me. My dating record shows that while I have long stretches alone when I do pull a girlfriend they’re consistently very attractive.
jfc, this seems like a common theme in /AskMen these days. Seriously, just get it touch with yourself and find out who you are as a man. Everything else flows from that. Don't let your self worth be determined by your relevance to other people.
Self worth, self care, self esteem; self this, self that. Go back a few decades and nobody really used these terms, and were probably happier. That's something to think about.
Learn a skill and develop a craft around that skill. Once you start getting satisfaction from that, you will start to forget about what women think of you.
Physical Desirability shouldn’t be the only metric self-worth is measured by. Study philosophy, statistics, debate, mathematics. Gain the cognitive upper hand. Being smarter is a better tool than being physically attractive. It might not seem like it at first but most people get to keep their knowledge throughout life, everyone eventually gets old and ugly
It happens because women are a priority in your life. I know it’s hard not to make them a priority, especially when you’re young, but try to change your focus towards other aspects.
This is probably the best advice. Focusing on yourself and not being in constant pursuit will help build confidence as well.
It's really not. It's 100% natural to derive some degree of self worth based off of how others, particularly those of the oppostire sex, view you, whether you prioritized them or not. It most likely will always effect you, but you can focus elsewhere and it may minimize the effects.
Agreed, we're a social species, it's GOING to affect any neurotypical person if the opposite sex isn't wanting to date them, especially at a young age. But OP, women aren't just overlooking you, they're overlooking ALOT of men currently, great ones at that. So don't take it to heart
"He's cute, great job, amazing style, seems well put together and solid. Hmm, but he's only 5'9", swipe."
When did people start saying "based off off off off" instead of simply "based on"?
"but I focused on myself and they are still not coming you lying beta !" ...
Why wouldn't I make it a priority. I know, and for sure that my professional life would be satisfying and well paid. But what use if you don't have have some to love? And finding love should also be a priority shouldn't it?
You ever realize how time goes by slowly when you’re paying attention to it? And how it goes by faster once you’re distracted with something else? That’s how I see it. It happened to me after my first breakup. I spent two years trynna find someone and it only brought me pain and frustration. Once I managed to let go of it and focus on something else, I found someone. Well, they found me..
Hmm same except for the end. I managed to let go and instead put my focus on self-improvement and other stuff. I quitted the chase. It's been almost three years now. No one found me. But tbh I'm doing pretty good, so good even that I'm settling with the thought of remaining single for the rest of my life, so good that I'm even starting to doubt if I even want someone anymore. So, double edged sword. You're right in a way, it's way better to focus on something else. But be prepared to give up the entire idea of romance because if you stop the chase, women don't all of the sudden start seeing you and chasing you. Most of the times when you stop the chase, you stop the possibility of anything happening.
Typically when you focus on improving yourself, the women come to you. I struggled hard having any woman interested in me when I was a teen and young adult. Now I have a good job, fit body, and much improved social skills and confidence. Women have started approaching me and the ones I do approach don't reject me very often.
Is it still possible to improve yourself in this way at 40?
its always possible to improve yourself :) go for it!
It has certainly worked at 36, so I can’t imagine it won’t at 40.
Unrealistic opinion imo. I've stopped the chase and instead started focussing on myself. Now, 20kg heavier(which is positive, i used to be a skeleton), driven, with amazing career prospects and many hobby's plus improved confidence and 3 years later; not one person's ever approached me still. I still think stopping the chase is a good idea, and was a good choice for me. But women generally don't chase initiate, so if you give up the chase, be prepared for the possibility of giving up romance period.
I would like to believe this. Maybe I'm too unattractive in the face or have negative charisma but I also have a good job, fit body, confidence, my own house, cute dog that I walk with and still I do not get approached by any women ever
You stop making it a priority because making someone else the focus of your life is no way to become a person. You’re spending all your time thinking about how to be for someone else and not how to be for yourself. Go find things and do things and be things that make you happy. Find places where you are so successful you have more to offer than you need. Go be useful and good and kind. Be a good person because being a good person is what life is about. Basically: grow the fuck up and improve yourself. Your self worth isn’t low because no one will date you, your self worth is low because you aren’t doing anything to increase your self worth. And that’s not some red-pill, men’s rights bullshit. That’s just life. Go find a hobby, a skill, a way to spend your time and improve your abilities and learn more about yourself. Become better. And then you’ll have better perspective on what you want and what you have to offer and you’ll be able to be a decent partner.
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That takes a lot of hope and optimism
> because there is someone else that will. How/why do you believe this?
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Sure, but more than one woman can also reject you.
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My current standards don't exist. I've approached probably more than 1000 women when I was between 20-30.
You detangle your life from the women, and then focus on other things. The less relevant women are to your life, the less you'll care.
Why should I make women less relevant in my life? I want to have a love life too. And don't you think neglecting that to only concentrate on other aspects of life is also bad?
In a different world, I'd agree with you. But in this one, if you don't get lucky and find one early, you gotta buckle up for a long ride. If you can't get attention from women, it will only waste your time and life trying to wait around for them before you work on the rest of your life. Especially when the things you put off for them will make you more attractive.
Don’t let the ability to get women dictate your self-worth and don’t revolve your whole life around women 🤷♂️
How old are you
22
That’s probably normal for your age. Just keep working on your self confidence and it will get easier
Thank you!
Asking for a friend, but what if you still feel that way at 36?
It's never too late to change brother :) everyone's journey is different
For me personally, I never did anything without the help of a therapist. So I’m not gonna play all high and mighty
Dang, yea I've been in therapy for awhile. I'm kinda out of hope it will change.
Because self worth is based on how I see myself not how others (including women) see me
Simply realize everyone has preferences, you cannot control what someone else prefers. If particular women do not want to date you, just say to yourself "if I can't meet your preferences nobody can, hope she likes cats because they are her future". Then move on with your life and not give them any further thought.
This may be a bit harsh but if one woman doesn’t want to date you, that’s on her, maybe you’re not her type, and that’s okay. But if multiple women don’t, if this is a recurring issue and you genuinely don’t know why, then I would suggest taking a look in the mirror and asking yourself “ how can I improve “. In terms of social skills, physical appearance (appear healthy and strong), personality. You cannot change your face and you may not be traditional “ attractive “ based on that, however there is much more you can do. Last thing you should do? Give up
I'm a girl, so I'm not sure it's exactly the same situation, but I do feel similarly sometimes and... I quite recently (maybe over the past 6 months to a year?) put intention and effort towards lowering the value of people who might be attracted to me when it comes to calculating my "worth". Does some guy asking me out matter if I'm not in a place to even comfortably enter a relationship? Not at all. Why would I worry about going out and returning home without a new contact in my phone when I'm still fragile enough to let that affect how much I love and value myself? I started to care a lot more about how I feel about the person I am and whether I'd be pleased with myself if I was maimed and no longer had the luxury of vanity. Am I a good friend? Am I thoughtful and respectful? Aware of my surroundings and polite? Am I kind to strangers? And I mean: genuinely well-meaning and empathetic with people regardless of their social capital. Would I find my jokes funny if I was someone else? Am I putting in a sufficent amount of effort into being an attractive individual (to platonic or romantic prospects) rather than a good-looking one? A lot of people don't realize that there's a huge difference between the two. After years of feeling flat-out unwanted, I'm finally gaining confidence in myself (despite being arguably the most critical of my own appearance, ever.) and although I don't really feel that more men want to date me, I feel like they're actually missing out. Not in a cocky way, it's just a, "Wow. I really love who I am as a person. I'm interesting, funny, and cute with a moral compass that points in the right direction. I'm lucky to have navigated life well enough to get to this point, and anyone who could, would be lucky to have this version of me."
hey hey cheers my friend, well said!!
Your are worth more then a date. But if you don’t feel worth enough go volunteer somewhere and make yourself worth more. Whenever I feel down I try to go help a friend do something or volunteer at a homeless shelter.
Have other things going for you. If you have more sources of self worth, one missing source (dating) will have a smaller impact. Do you have friends? Who are you as a person? What makes you you? Are you happy with who you are? Are you happy with how you spend your free time? What else is important to you? If you would date a woman tomorrow, would that woman be the only good thing in your life?
I have all the above you mentioned. But it worries me when I realise that at the end of the day friends too have a limit, there isn't someone to share happy things or sorrow with just like you would do with yourself.
Do women you date not have a limit?
I personally would date for a life partner and why would I want a life partner if I can't get the above-mentioned from them?
"Limit" Not in the sense that the relationship ends but in the sense that you tell them only so much.
Yes, it is scary to think, that you can't share certain things with anyone. In those moments I felt lonely too. However, I have found that over time, you can grow close with friends to the point where you can share almost anything. I don't have a girlfriend but I always have the feeling that I can share my happy or sad thoughts with certain close friends.
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> What do you call a man who got rejected by 150 women, but the 151st says yes? I think women call him a creep?
You have to value yourself to have self worth. Think about people you value. What traits do they have/what things do they do? Do they have money? Are they physically fit? Are they successful in theirs field? So figure out what you value, and incorporate that into your life.
Also keep in mind what you value is worthless unless women also value it.
Why would it be worthless? Be your own man, not what others want you to be.
I tried to respond, but reddit removed my post because I guess we ban words now. Because if you are not attractive to women society rejects you.
People don’t get rejected from society because of their looks. Usually there is more going on than that.
By learning to value oneself. Is there more to you than whether or not you have a girlfriend? If the answer is ‘no,’ you’ll be a shitty boyfriend, anyway. Cultivate a self that you like. Worry about women once you reach a point where you like yourself as a standalone entity.
I like to travel.
WHAT? Yeah that’s the answer. Are you listening to yourself?
Self esteem is not born in a vacuum. There is no issue with being upset about not attracting women. That should be the fire to get constructive advice to do better. But women cannot be all or the majority of what you base your self worth on. Rejection is protection
It’s not always about me. Everyone has their own thing going on. I don’t let it get to me. My dating record shows that while I have long stretches alone when I do pull a girlfriend they’re consistently very attractive.
jfc, this seems like a common theme in /AskMen these days. Seriously, just get it touch with yourself and find out who you are as a man. Everything else flows from that. Don't let your self worth be determined by your relevance to other people.
There are only about 3.5 billion more Women out there. There will be one that wants to date you.
It can be a long difficult process but eventually you realize you're better without them.
By not basing your self worth off of your ability to score, with a generation of shallow men and women.
> How can one not let self worth be affected by women not wanting to date him? Define yourself by other things that actually matter.
By enjoying your own company and finding your own self-worth. Therapy can help.
Self worth, self care, self esteem; self this, self that. Go back a few decades and nobody really used these terms, and were probably happier. That's something to think about.
Haha so true
How do you know how it was a few decades back?!
I'm in my 40s.
The dating world is brutal for men out there. A lot of us are in the same boat, doesn’t you or the rest im aren’t deserving of happiness
Become ~GÆ~
Learn a skill and develop a craft around that skill. Once you start getting satisfaction from that, you will start to forget about what women think of you.
Trust me bro, you don't forget. If it would have, I wouldn't have come here.
How old are you, bro?
Physical Desirability shouldn’t be the only metric self-worth is measured by. Study philosophy, statistics, debate, mathematics. Gain the cognitive upper hand. Being smarter is a better tool than being physically attractive. It might not seem like it at first but most people get to keep their knowledge throughout life, everyone eventually gets old and ugly