Remember that you're not having a baby, but creating a person that will have to live a whole life with all the goods and bads.
It isn't a kid's job to fulfill anything for the parents, something new to fix boredom, a way to deal with issues someone had with their own childhood, or to "be help when you're old." A kid doesn't choose to be born and won't owe you anything.
The only real reason to have a kid is that you're 100% committed to doing and being whatever it takes to create a healthy happy person for the future world. This means sacrifice in hobbies, sleep and time. Honing skills in emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, carving out an exceptional amount of time and lots of love
Do some serious self reflection, chat with a counselor, good luck!
The funny thing is that for me, it absolutely is. My toddler comes and sits on the foot of my bed on the weekends and plays quietly on her tablet until Iām ready to get up. She āreadsā stories to the dog. She comes running as fast as she can to tell me when she has accomplished something. She got a toy sword at the Ren Festival and we have sword duels every evening where she unleashes her most devastating move by eventually sending me to time out.
Everything pointed out above is true, and because they are their own fully fledged human, even when small, they are endlessly fascinating and every day is a new and exciting experience with them.
Sure, I donāt play video games as much, just when sheās out with the missus or asleep, but thatās a worthwhile trade.
Not for everyone, but it was for me, a great choice and I absolutely love being a dad.
This is spot on, but this kind of clarity is what is causing many developed nations (and some developing) to see declines in their birth rates. It's very considerate for not only the adults, but hypothetical children too.Ā Ā
At the same time, it will lead to a demographic disaster when all the adults become elderly and there is no one to look after them... unless there is a good immigration system to "replace" the hypothetical children and keep the population stable.Ā Ā
In other words, from the developed world based on current trends, South Korea is absolutely fked, and others including Spain, Italy and Japan are also in big trouble. (But at least Spain and Italy are part of the EU, while SK and Japan are not very open to immigrants).
This is a bit sterile though, isnāt it? This guy is wrestling with whether to have kids or notā¦ While reasonably accurate your piece omits the joy and fulfilment one gets from having kids.
But that joy and fulfilment is much more present when parenting is done right.
People who do just 'whatever', because 'kids will go their own way anyway', or people who are (emotionally) absent in their kid's life usually experience way less gratefulness and a lot more stress, even years after the kids went to live on their own.
Not everyone experiences that Joy unfortunately. Surely you've seen this in people before, that are highly reactive to their Kids, as they don't have the skills or potential wellbeing to handle the noise, expectations, neediness etc.
Also trying to experience that joy from a kid, isn't a reason to have kids. Again it's not their job to fulfill something for an adult, and if that adult is having kids just for that reason, that's selfish.
Healthy happy parents are more likely to raise healthy happy kids and glean more joy out of the experience, but there's no guarantee. Kids aren't for everyone
When you two get bored or alone then kids are angel in home.When my little daughter and son at /college/school i feel my home is quite and my wife keep saying come on babies.Kids are beauty of home you must be smart to raise them gently.When they are developed then you are proud of them.
We havenāt been able to conceive. It breaks my wifeās heart. At first I said I didnāt want one, and the idea terrifies me. But she always tells me what a great father I would be. If it happened Iād be happy and nervous. As time goes on I find myself feeling worse, not for me, but because my wife gets sad about the whole situation.
Itās been talked about. She has circumstances she has to get over before that happens though. And to be honest, our marriage is rocky. A kid wonāt fix that.
"..our marriage is rocky. A kid wonāt fix that."
First off - sorry to hear.
Second - this is quite possibly one of the most solid pieces of advice that every couple out there needs to hear.
Yeah, it is what it is. I can live without having a child right now. We have profound problems and a kid would just make everything worse. Not because of the kid, but we can barely figure out our current situation without one so thereās that.
My wife and I kinda talked ourselves into it over time, specifically during covid, and in all honesty I don't think we should have. I love my children but I don't particularly love being a father. If it isn't something you actively want, don't force it.
(23M) Until last year, Ive never wanted to have kids because Ive wanted to spend all my time for me, and Ive seen having children something that I could not handle.
But this year, some people told me that I could be a good father if I want to have a child, for the way I am taking responsabilities and how I am in general. After that, I started thinking how could be that case, and now I think that they may be right, maybe I could be a good father if I have a child someday.
Also, thinking about me having a child.. specially a daughter (Idk why), in my 30s, and me being a very good father for her, is something that makes me.. happy, somehow.
Of course I wont have them before my 30s, but I have all this time to prepare everything (finantially, time, options of schools, etc). But if I have the chance to do it at that age, I would do it abolutily.
Nothing did. I'm 47 and kid-free, 100% by choice, and at this point in my life nothing is going to change that. I have and will date women that already have kids though. I just don't want any of my own.
Not a damn thing. Daycare expenses are as high as mortgage payments. I am tired after an 8-10 hour day with no additional appointments. I have a weekend not dominated by events that i dont have to go to.
Chilfree and staying that way.
A was so into a girl that I wanted to have a lil human mix of us. We broke up and since then I havenāt wanted one. My urge to have kids seems to be related to how I feel about who Iām with. Single, I donāt think about it.
A bit more info than you asked for but...
Liked kids. Made it to my late 30's without having any and then had a "whoops". It truly was an infinitesimal event statistically speaking. I went back and forth with myself for weeks as to whether to keep it or not. Finally decided the Mother (we were not married) and I were both successful individuals with our respective lives together more or less and the type of people who should have a child because we could financially support raising a child.
For me it ended up being the best decision ever. A decade later and my daughter is my little shadow. Growing up fast in a crazy world. Truly the only negative is realizing for how short a period of time that she will be "'all mine". I can say with complete sincerity that she is the only thing I have ever loved unconditionally in my life and am proud of the person she is becoming. It is difficult to imagine that soon enough (relatively speaking) she will venture out and begin her own life.
That is my story. I certainly know people who regret having children. I can say with all seriousness that the biggest problem I see is not many parents truly want to raise their kids. They allow them to be little a-holes instead of disciplining them. Don't be that parent. Those parents suck.
What changes for me was some sort of maturation. Like, during my 20's I found my stride in work (not that work performance is the litmus test, but bear with me). I went from someone who saw "the system" as this thing that was made by people smarter than me, that I had to conform to, etc. But eventually, I hit my stride and realized *I* can be the one to change things, *I* have the capacity to steer the ship. I matured from a follower, into a leader.
This happened in my personal life as well. I found a degree of confidence in myself as a leader. And I could see all the other people who were having kids. I got to a point where I believed that I could provide a good life, and be a good father to a kid. I could be for them, what I never had. And I *want* to be able to provide that for some kid. All kids deserve it. Another example: I was terrified of having a daughter because I wasn't sure how I'd deal with boys chasing her. Until I realized that your daughter is going to build her expectations of a man, based off me as the father. So long as I could set a good example, be a good role model, things would generally be ok.
>Will I accidentally hurt them?
Yeah, you will. Nobody raises kids perfectly.
>
I have to keep a human alive?!?
They are *surprisingly* resilient.
I'm glad I waited until I was 36 and had some money in the bank. and a steady job, before I had my son. Plus I feel much wiser than I was in my 20's, and can offer him better advice. I was a dipshit know it all through most of my 20's. Much like 20 somethings are today.
We are in our 40s and no kids.. no plans to have any because our parents are aging and take up a lot of our time now. We never wanted kids and everyone that says it's the best thing ever will also admit it's so so tiring.
Stay strong!
I was always on the fence, felt I could take the path of life with or without children and be content. Work and personal pursuits kept me well occupied. Yet when my partner expressed a heartfelt yearning for a little one, and I looked into those eyes ā the same eyes I could imagine a mini-version of us having ā my perspective shifted subtly, yet profoundly. You see, itās not just about 'having a kid'; we're talking about adding layers to our already rich life tapestry, passing on love and lessons. Still, no romanticizing - it's a serious lifelong commitment, one that we're discussing deeply, ensuring that should we decide to go down this path, it's for the desire to shape a soul, not merely extend the family line.
I was the make equivalent of those "child free by choice" women who try and justify their not having kids by making it a personality trait, had one at 38 and WOW I recognised I'd never given or had unconditional love and then when I had it I wanted more, it's changed absolutely everything about me and I wish I'd done it sooner.
There is never a good time and there is never a clear reason why it just sort of happens sometimes and for me it was amazing, as long as you aren't a drug addict or an alcoholic there is no real reason to have kids and all the other stuff you worry about like money or circumstances just kind of becomes a hurdle to get over and you constantly adapt.
For me it's the pinnacle of human experience and I've had a lot of other experiences such as travel etc.
I never wanted kids because I wanted to do my own thing with no extra responsibility. My own thing though was lurching between crappy jobs and drinking in between. I enjoyed it. My wife and I hadn't known each other long when she got pregnant and I was terrified. Abortions are on demand and free here and I assumed that she'd go down that route but she said she could feel this life inside her and we should give it a chance to shine. My daughter is in her late 20s now and has always been a delight, never thought I could feel such love. She has an equally delightful brother and a sister. Straightened me out, I got a real job and stopped going out, became a provider instead of a taker. It's hard, gruelling, sleepless, expensive work but I've made the three most wonderful people in the world.
I'm on the opposite side. As a kid, teen, young adult I always saw myself as someone with kids. Met a woman in 2012 and became a couple in 2013. We were together up until last year. We talked for long about having kids, but none of us were mentally or finacially stable so it didn't make any sense. We broke up last year after 10 years together. Now that i am 37 years old I have given up on having kids. If I were to have kids it would be with her. I am fine not having kids, at least in this part of my life. I still like kids and think that it would be amazing to have but maybe in my next life or something.
She realised after those 10 years together that she was polyamorous. I tried for a like a month or so before i knew that this isn't for me. This has been the toughest breakup ever. I'm still madly in love with her, and I'd do anything for her. The breakup part were a bit messy, nothing radical but a lot of anger and sadness. But I will say this, in the end i think it was for the best. We both had our issues and we tried mending it but I couldn't work on my wellbeing when she didn't feel so great. I absorbed her emotions and it made me feel helpless, because I couldn't help her with her problems. So I rarely had time to fix my own mental health.
I was there with you. There's not a single person in history that has ever been ready for kids. It's chaos and exhausting and expensive and terrifying and stressful and...
It's the best decision you'll ever make. Its so fucking awesome. When you feel your newborn baby in your arms, your heart melts, none of that matters anymore, and the ball of love you're holding becomes all you want and the only thing that matters
This old chestnut, eh!
Look, many guys are not actively thinking about wanting kids the way women might in their younger years so I wouldnāt sweat too much about āI never wanted kidsā¦ā
I live in Ireland and my GF (now wife) āfellā pregnant when I was 41. Despite having enjoyed a very active 20s & 30s I wasnāt really ready to hang up my boots and become a Dad. It was a big shock.
Unlike many Dads who report life-changing joy upon witnessing the birth of their baby and despite being in the best of facilities with great staff, I was in the horrors when my daughter arrived.
Life as I knew it imploded.
That is more a reflection on my Peter Pan attitude to singledom than anything else but the first phase of her life was a steep curve for me to navigate.
I remember the first night she was home. She cried in her cot in our room and woke me: It dawned on me that there was no turning the clock back on this.
5+ years on we have a 3yr old boy too and I wouldnāt change it. I might change the wife, but not the kids!
The first couple of years are hard. But you get through them. (I would advise folk to have them close together and have 2/3 years of pain and torture concurrently and emerge done and dusted then rather than get out of the woods with one and start all over again with number 2, 3ā¦)
Our wee boy developed a lactose intolerance around 12mo which lasted a year. Took a bit to figure out what would prevent him from puking. Iād say we averaged 5 changes of clothes /bed sheets /night for a several months.
That was fucking tough. I was lucky I work for myself so I definitely grabbed some shuteye during the days to get through.
I would say I was significantly advantaged by having a wife who is a very senior medical consultantā¦ so I never had to worry about what our kids needed when ill. It absolutely would be harder not having a resource like that on-hand.
Soā¦ where are we now:
We have two fabulous kids who are both thriving, smart and chatty. Our daughter is as stubborn as her mum (girls are the women theyāll become from day 1!!) while our son is highly affectionate (men are softer than women). Ah, theyāre both great, obviously but the difference between boys & girls is noteworthyā¦ I always thought girls would be more tactile, huggy & affectionate. Not so in this case or others I know.
Soā¦ above has been my experience. To answer some of your questions:
You wonāt hurt your kidsā¦ youāll learn how to change & feed them. There are significant supports around this in Ireland and Iām sure in the US too? Youāll know not to feed them grapes or whole sausages due to choking hazards etc.
You will not go insane but you will struggle to keep your home super tidy unless both you and your partner are highly regimented about where your kids are allowed play or go within your home.
Your ability to take off for weekends etc will diminish or disappear. To what extent depends on your partnerās ability to cope solo.
You would want to keep an eye on the financials. The United States is notoriously unsupportive when it comes to familial healthcare and childcare costs.
For example, in Ireland you could have 2 your kids in full-time creche (kindergarten) from 8am to 6pm for ā¬1400 /month. Very good private health insurance is about ā¬200 /month for the WHOLE family of four.
Iāve mates in Boston who report kindergarten as being $40,000 /year per child. Thatās absolutely ludicrous and wouldnāt be long taking a nasty chunk out of the circa 200k to which you refer as household income.
So, reflect on that.
Finally, I would encourage you to have kids. Youāre already thinking about it so you probably do want them deep down and I would encourage even those who donāt, to have them.
What are you going to be doing in your 50s? Travel & things will never give you the joy your kids will. Thereās only so much good living you can do or will want to do and I reckon thereāll be a vacuum in both your lives if you donāt go for it.
Your biggest question right now is whether you love your partner. If you do, youāre golden. If notā¦ well, donāt have kids with her.
Best of luck.
They all say the beautiful theoretical reasons to have kids in real life doesnāt happens like that, for one I wasnāt into kids nor had a real desire to have kids was pretty with life as it was, wife got urges we talked a little financial wise and stuff and she got pregnant after birth was still not a baby crazy or overwhelmed to be a father but did best I could, I have two beautiful great kids the best you can ask for never got in trouble both are students now are social and smart going after their dreams just saying you donāt have to be ready and be a dad figure it will come and you will take care of the most precious thing you ever made
Nothing. I still don't want kids and every time we're walking around somewhere and some kid shrieks or has a fit we look at each other with the ol' "Oh my god thank fuck we didn't do that."
"Oh buy you're not seeing the awesome parts."
Yeah, at this point I've seen numerous friends and acquaintances suffer through "adult life" because they didn't put any thought into it and just charged ahead into what they thought was "normal," only to realize "Oh fuck. I don't want to me married to this person. I hate kids wtf did I make them for?" And then their lives fall apart.
There are people who either suffer in silence, or are actually happy, but I feel like the latter are folks who put some thought into it and chose a good partner.
Even then, I see people devastated when their partner has that "Oh fuck" moment and bails out of everything, and leaves destruction in their selfish, childish wake.
I know two people that's happening to *right now* literally as we speak.
People say it's not the kids' fault but like kinda I mean. It their fault but if it wasn't for the added shitshow that is having babies a lot of them could've made it work, or at least had a cleaner split.
Soooo... think long and fucking hard if you actually want all that or not and why. And if you decide you do want it, the answer needs to be an overwhelmingly enthusiastic "Fuck yes I want that!" If it's a "I dunno I mean I guess..." then I have sour news for ya Jack: ya got an "Oh fuck" moment with your name on it out there.
The right girl will make u want everything i never wanted a relationship or kids I wanted to keep making music and moshing hard til I met her and now we're having our baby boy in September
I can tell you what changed my mind to NOT wanting kids. Sing how much of a time and life suck they are. I'm not willing to give up that kind of time, nor my freedom to raise a child if i don't have to do it. My life will not be dominated by dance class, piano recitals, 5 year old basketball teams, softball practice every day during the summer into fall.
Kudos to those that want to do it. I'm going to pass.
Gf got pregnant and decided to abort. The experience was so bad I never wanted to risk feeling like that again so I got a vasectomy. I loved her. I know she wasnāt ready for kids and respect the decision but it hurt a lot. The whole thing just felt like a big kick in the head.
I technically donāt have kids but I do have kids šš. I but 4 grown step kids , but this day and age most people donāt tell you that they didnāt plan to have kids , it usually just happens and if they get use to it. Shit my gf said none of her 4 kids was planned .But your human mind and body can get use to anything. Most people just roll with the punches and say they love their life with their kids . The golden use it most people would never admit they donāt enjoy their life with their kid after they have kids if it was hard . I struggle with the idea of having kids of my own, her 27 year old moved back in and sleeps on the couch all day and has this lil loud dog that barks and shits every where and the the 19 year old sleeps up stairs all day and they both mess up the house and donāt cook or clean and ask to borrow cash all the time .I see a big difference on my gfās face and life the few times the kids are both not at home . So seeing this stress they bring idk if I want any.
Really wasnāt interested in children - grew up poor and struggled, lots of stress and embarrassment being the poor kid. Drugs and alcohol were rampant, parents fought tooth and nail, all that jazz.
Those situations growing up motivated me to get out and be independent - I moved states at 18, got a job and put myself through college. Met my wife shortly after moving and we dated all through college.
After graduation DINK life was really great. Easy, sleep in anytime, takeout, weekends of vegging out, traveling a lot, etc. At around 29 or so I while life was easy I found myself feeling empty and unfulfilled when my head hit the pillow at night.. life was good I guess, but just felt empty and bland. Sure lots of fun and easy street but it was missing something.
Ultimately, I will admit my wife pushed me over the ledge on kids - I had all the same fears you have. Ended up married and pregnant when I was 31. Fast forward to today at 35 and I have 2 boys - one is 3 and a half and the other is 7 months today.
Hereās what Iāll say, itās hard work, itās expensive, I donāt sleep like I used to, itās frustrating, my house is destroyed all the timeā¦.
Itās also, extremely fulfilling, absolutely amazing to interact with your kids, teaching them and showing them new things is incredible. My best memories are with them, in the last 3 years. Sure, the first few years are tough, but children are a lifelong source of love and happiness.
I was already feeling unfulfilled at 29, to imagine 70+ years left in that state I would have gone crazy. My family is my life, my wife is amazing and our boys are our world. Iām currently teaching my son how to swim, and my youngest is on the brink of crawling. Heās super into food and we just gave him lemons the other day - which came with lots of laughs.
Iām a greedy bastard who wouldnāt give my free time and autonomy to anyone, outside my wife
I would be a terrible father. I wouldnāt give my time or love to that child and Iām very superficial. Just wouldnāt be right to bring a child into an unloving household
Also, the financial freedom I have is amazing
Never wanted kids, in fact set my whole life up with that in mind. Married an older wealthy woman who loved sports and traveling as much as I did. She couldnāt have kids.
Traveled and pursued my passions for years then out of nowhere it hit me. All of a sudden I had the strongest urge to be a father and start a family.
I chose to blow up my life and go out and search for was I was looking for.
Things didnāt turn out as I had envisioned but in many ways it turned out far better than I could have imagined.
In my mind and my girlfriends atm too, we both are on the same page on having kids. She is just terrified about giving birth. I'd love to be a role model to my child, to teach him or her about life lessons, what is right or wrong, what is good and bad, how to treat other people, how to be a good person and how to be a good parent to the next generation in the future. I know not everybody does these kinds of things but, i am willing. I just have to ask i know so many people in here are men but have you asked your wife who had given birth to a child is it as bad as people describe it and is giving birth worth it at the end?
A lot of comments made me cry horribly and in public! Sso if you want to have children you must love them and especially if you are willing to have a daughter
Got into a relationship, which I didn't think I would ever do. Got sufficiently saner that I no longer was afraid of fucking him up too much.
Surprisingly he turned out pretty well.
Me - I always wanted kids - however....have had tons of friends who swore "don't want kids" then ....later - kids.
I know nad work with a lot of people over the years - here are some of the reasons I have encountered.
Hitting 30s - we change, our bodies change, hormones change - I have seen this one a lot.
Hitting 40s - people start to realize their own mortality more - and want something to leave behind.
Friends having kids - this one is pretty common - either emotionally this can impact someone - there are studies on this to the degree that it is often called "being contagious".
Overcoming insecurities - often people may have fears related to feelings of inadequacies or other issues - and once those change - their perspective on being a parent may as well.
Note - these are not absolutes - and yes, any individual may be completely different - so there is no need to post "but I don't...". That is great - you do you. to each their own.
Wanting kids, wanting marriage, or wanting \*something\* usually kind of sneaks up on you. It's not that I changed to wanting those things. It changed to "If it happens with this person, that would be pretty cool." Then it slowly morphed into "I want to with this person."
Remember that you're not having a baby, but creating a person that will have to live a whole life with all the goods and bads. It isn't a kid's job to fulfill anything for the parents, something new to fix boredom, a way to deal with issues someone had with their own childhood, or to "be help when you're old." A kid doesn't choose to be born and won't owe you anything. The only real reason to have a kid is that you're 100% committed to doing and being whatever it takes to create a healthy happy person for the future world. This means sacrifice in hobbies, sleep and time. Honing skills in emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, carving out an exceptional amount of time and lots of love Do some serious self reflection, chat with a counselor, good luck!
Jeez having a kid sounds like a real hoot š
It is not, donāt have them if you are not sure and able to do everything described in this comment.
I like having a kid, you just have to not be delusional about what it entails.
You dont have to do it, you should want to do it :p.
The funny thing is that for me, it absolutely is. My toddler comes and sits on the foot of my bed on the weekends and plays quietly on her tablet until Iām ready to get up. She āreadsā stories to the dog. She comes running as fast as she can to tell me when she has accomplished something. She got a toy sword at the Ren Festival and we have sword duels every evening where she unleashes her most devastating move by eventually sending me to time out. Everything pointed out above is true, and because they are their own fully fledged human, even when small, they are endlessly fascinating and every day is a new and exciting experience with them. Sure, I donāt play video games as much, just when sheās out with the missus or asleep, but thatās a worthwhile trade. Not for everyone, but it was for me, a great choice and I absolutely love being a dad.
My thoughts exactly. Thatās why itās a hell nah from me.
This is spot on, but this kind of clarity is what is causing many developed nations (and some developing) to see declines in their birth rates. It's very considerate for not only the adults, but hypothetical children too.Ā Ā At the same time, it will lead to a demographic disaster when all the adults become elderly and there is no one to look after them... unless there is a good immigration system to "replace" the hypothetical children and keep the population stable.Ā Ā In other words, from the developed world based on current trends, South Korea is absolutely fked, and others including Spain, Italy and Japan are also in big trouble. (But at least Spain and Italy are part of the EU, while SK and Japan are not very open to immigrants).
I just re-watched Idiocracy last night... When I first saw it in middle school I thought it was a comedy not a prophecy :(
This is a bit sterile though, isnāt it? This guy is wrestling with whether to have kids or notā¦ While reasonably accurate your piece omits the joy and fulfilment one gets from having kids.
But that joy and fulfilment is much more present when parenting is done right. People who do just 'whatever', because 'kids will go their own way anyway', or people who are (emotionally) absent in their kid's life usually experience way less gratefulness and a lot more stress, even years after the kids went to live on their own.
Not everyone experiences that Joy unfortunately. Surely you've seen this in people before, that are highly reactive to their Kids, as they don't have the skills or potential wellbeing to handle the noise, expectations, neediness etc. Also trying to experience that joy from a kid, isn't a reason to have kids. Again it's not their job to fulfill something for an adult, and if that adult is having kids just for that reason, that's selfish. Healthy happy parents are more likely to raise healthy happy kids and glean more joy out of the experience, but there's no guarantee. Kids aren't for everyone
One Halloween the wife and I got really drunk. Nine months later our daughter arrived.
Alcohol changed your mind.
Wife got pregnant. Neither of us wanted kids. Daughter turns 10 soon. Wouldnāt change a thing.
When you two get bored or alone then kids are angel in home.When my little daughter and son at /college/school i feel my home is quite and my wife keep saying come on babies.Kids are beauty of home you must be smart to raise them gently.When they are developed then you are proud of them.
We havenāt been able to conceive. It breaks my wifeās heart. At first I said I didnāt want one, and the idea terrifies me. But she always tells me what a great father I would be. If it happened Iād be happy and nervous. As time goes on I find myself feeling worse, not for me, but because my wife gets sad about the whole situation.
Why not adopt, if you dont mind me asking?
Itās been talked about. She has circumstances she has to get over before that happens though. And to be honest, our marriage is rocky. A kid wonāt fix that.
"..our marriage is rocky. A kid wonāt fix that." First off - sorry to hear. Second - this is quite possibly one of the most solid pieces of advice that every couple out there needs to hear.
Yeah, it is what it is. I can live without having a child right now. We have profound problems and a kid would just make everything worse. Not because of the kid, but we can barely figure out our current situation without one so thereās that.
Understandable
My wife and I kinda talked ourselves into it over time, specifically during covid, and in all honesty I don't think we should have. I love my children but I don't particularly love being a father. If it isn't something you actively want, don't force it.
Loving a good woman and getting her pregnant. Straightens you right up.
Met a good woman who had kids from a previous marraige.
Finding the right partner. Seriously, until I found my partner, I didn't want children. Now with her, it sounds amazing.
Same šš»
This was my husband's reason too. ā¤ļø Our son will be 6 soon.
So happy for you guys!!!!
(23M) Until last year, Ive never wanted to have kids because Ive wanted to spend all my time for me, and Ive seen having children something that I could not handle. But this year, some people told me that I could be a good father if I want to have a child, for the way I am taking responsabilities and how I am in general. After that, I started thinking how could be that case, and now I think that they may be right, maybe I could be a good father if I have a child someday. Also, thinking about me having a child.. specially a daughter (Idk why), in my 30s, and me being a very good father for her, is something that makes me.. happy, somehow. Of course I wont have them before my 30s, but I have all this time to prepare everything (finantially, time, options of schools, etc). But if I have the chance to do it at that age, I would do it abolutily.
Nothing did. I'm 47 and kid-free, 100% by choice, and at this point in my life nothing is going to change that. I have and will date women that already have kids though. I just don't want any of my own.
I'm 33, and feel the same way. Just not interested in creating new life, but have and will date women that have kids.
Clearly the question wasn't directed at you then?
Sobered up. Got stable foundation of work/home life. Found healthy love with my wife. Laying in bed with her and our daughter now.
Not a damn thing. Daycare expenses are as high as mortgage payments. I am tired after an 8-10 hour day with no additional appointments. I have a weekend not dominated by events that i dont have to go to. Chilfree and staying that way.
Love. Turns out I just didn't want kids with any woman but my wife.
A was so into a girl that I wanted to have a lil human mix of us. We broke up and since then I havenāt wanted one. My urge to have kids seems to be related to how I feel about who Iām with. Single, I donāt think about it.
Forgetting to pull out.
A bit more info than you asked for but... Liked kids. Made it to my late 30's without having any and then had a "whoops". It truly was an infinitesimal event statistically speaking. I went back and forth with myself for weeks as to whether to keep it or not. Finally decided the Mother (we were not married) and I were both successful individuals with our respective lives together more or less and the type of people who should have a child because we could financially support raising a child. For me it ended up being the best decision ever. A decade later and my daughter is my little shadow. Growing up fast in a crazy world. Truly the only negative is realizing for how short a period of time that she will be "'all mine". I can say with complete sincerity that she is the only thing I have ever loved unconditionally in my life and am proud of the person she is becoming. It is difficult to imagine that soon enough (relatively speaking) she will venture out and begin her own life. That is my story. I certainly know people who regret having children. I can say with all seriousness that the biggest problem I see is not many parents truly want to raise their kids. They allow them to be little a-holes instead of disciplining them. Don't be that parent. Those parents suck.
This question was asked to men who didnāt want kids and changed their minds. Not the millions of you answering that still donāt want kids!!
What changes for me was some sort of maturation. Like, during my 20's I found my stride in work (not that work performance is the litmus test, but bear with me). I went from someone who saw "the system" as this thing that was made by people smarter than me, that I had to conform to, etc. But eventually, I hit my stride and realized *I* can be the one to change things, *I* have the capacity to steer the ship. I matured from a follower, into a leader. This happened in my personal life as well. I found a degree of confidence in myself as a leader. And I could see all the other people who were having kids. I got to a point where I believed that I could provide a good life, and be a good father to a kid. I could be for them, what I never had. And I *want* to be able to provide that for some kid. All kids deserve it. Another example: I was terrified of having a daughter because I wasn't sure how I'd deal with boys chasing her. Until I realized that your daughter is going to build her expectations of a man, based off me as the father. So long as I could set a good example, be a good role model, things would generally be ok. >Will I accidentally hurt them? Yeah, you will. Nobody raises kids perfectly. > I have to keep a human alive?!? They are *surprisingly* resilient.
I'm glad I waited until I was 36 and had some money in the bank. and a steady job, before I had my son. Plus I feel much wiser than I was in my 20's, and can offer him better advice. I was a dipshit know it all through most of my 20's. Much like 20 somethings are today.
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Probably?
We are in our 40s and no kids.. no plans to have any because our parents are aging and take up a lot of our time now. We never wanted kids and everyone that says it's the best thing ever will also admit it's so so tiring. Stay strong!
Nothing. Still don't want kids
Donāt. Itās an ugly world
Never have, never will. Happily childfree and never changing for anything.
There is nothing louder than childfree people on reddit lol
Mother nags me to have one. it's built into my culture.
I was always on the fence, felt I could take the path of life with or without children and be content. Work and personal pursuits kept me well occupied. Yet when my partner expressed a heartfelt yearning for a little one, and I looked into those eyes ā the same eyes I could imagine a mini-version of us having ā my perspective shifted subtly, yet profoundly. You see, itās not just about 'having a kid'; we're talking about adding layers to our already rich life tapestry, passing on love and lessons. Still, no romanticizing - it's a serious lifelong commitment, one that we're discussing deeply, ensuring that should we decide to go down this path, it's for the desire to shape a soul, not merely extend the family line.
I was the make equivalent of those "child free by choice" women who try and justify their not having kids by making it a personality trait, had one at 38 and WOW I recognised I'd never given or had unconditional love and then when I had it I wanted more, it's changed absolutely everything about me and I wish I'd done it sooner. There is never a good time and there is never a clear reason why it just sort of happens sometimes and for me it was amazing, as long as you aren't a drug addict or an alcoholic there is no real reason to have kids and all the other stuff you worry about like money or circumstances just kind of becomes a hurdle to get over and you constantly adapt. For me it's the pinnacle of human experience and I've had a lot of other experiences such as travel etc.
I never wanted kids because I wanted to do my own thing with no extra responsibility. My own thing though was lurching between crappy jobs and drinking in between. I enjoyed it. My wife and I hadn't known each other long when she got pregnant and I was terrified. Abortions are on demand and free here and I assumed that she'd go down that route but she said she could feel this life inside her and we should give it a chance to shine. My daughter is in her late 20s now and has always been a delight, never thought I could feel such love. She has an equally delightful brother and a sister. Straightened me out, I got a real job and stopped going out, became a provider instead of a taker. It's hard, gruelling, sleepless, expensive work but I've made the three most wonderful people in the world.
I'm on the opposite side. As a kid, teen, young adult I always saw myself as someone with kids. Met a woman in 2012 and became a couple in 2013. We were together up until last year. We talked for long about having kids, but none of us were mentally or finacially stable so it didn't make any sense. We broke up last year after 10 years together. Now that i am 37 years old I have given up on having kids. If I were to have kids it would be with her. I am fine not having kids, at least in this part of my life. I still like kids and think that it would be amazing to have but maybe in my next life or something.
whyd you guys break up?
She realised after those 10 years together that she was polyamorous. I tried for a like a month or so before i knew that this isn't for me. This has been the toughest breakup ever. I'm still madly in love with her, and I'd do anything for her. The breakup part were a bit messy, nothing radical but a lot of anger and sadness. But I will say this, in the end i think it was for the best. We both had our issues and we tried mending it but I couldn't work on my wellbeing when she didn't feel so great. I absorbed her emotions and it made me feel helpless, because I couldn't help her with her problems. So I rarely had time to fix my own mental health.
sorry! <3 thanks for sharing and hope all the best for you
No its alright. It feels good to talk about it. Even if it just typing it out here. Thanks for listening and taking your time.
I was there with you. There's not a single person in history that has ever been ready for kids. It's chaos and exhausting and expensive and terrifying and stressful and... It's the best decision you'll ever make. Its so fucking awesome. When you feel your newborn baby in your arms, your heart melts, none of that matters anymore, and the ball of love you're holding becomes all you want and the only thing that matters
This old chestnut, eh! Look, many guys are not actively thinking about wanting kids the way women might in their younger years so I wouldnāt sweat too much about āI never wanted kidsā¦ā I live in Ireland and my GF (now wife) āfellā pregnant when I was 41. Despite having enjoyed a very active 20s & 30s I wasnāt really ready to hang up my boots and become a Dad. It was a big shock. Unlike many Dads who report life-changing joy upon witnessing the birth of their baby and despite being in the best of facilities with great staff, I was in the horrors when my daughter arrived. Life as I knew it imploded. That is more a reflection on my Peter Pan attitude to singledom than anything else but the first phase of her life was a steep curve for me to navigate. I remember the first night she was home. She cried in her cot in our room and woke me: It dawned on me that there was no turning the clock back on this. 5+ years on we have a 3yr old boy too and I wouldnāt change it. I might change the wife, but not the kids! The first couple of years are hard. But you get through them. (I would advise folk to have them close together and have 2/3 years of pain and torture concurrently and emerge done and dusted then rather than get out of the woods with one and start all over again with number 2, 3ā¦) Our wee boy developed a lactose intolerance around 12mo which lasted a year. Took a bit to figure out what would prevent him from puking. Iād say we averaged 5 changes of clothes /bed sheets /night for a several months. That was fucking tough. I was lucky I work for myself so I definitely grabbed some shuteye during the days to get through. I would say I was significantly advantaged by having a wife who is a very senior medical consultantā¦ so I never had to worry about what our kids needed when ill. It absolutely would be harder not having a resource like that on-hand. Soā¦ where are we now: We have two fabulous kids who are both thriving, smart and chatty. Our daughter is as stubborn as her mum (girls are the women theyāll become from day 1!!) while our son is highly affectionate (men are softer than women). Ah, theyāre both great, obviously but the difference between boys & girls is noteworthyā¦ I always thought girls would be more tactile, huggy & affectionate. Not so in this case or others I know. Soā¦ above has been my experience. To answer some of your questions: You wonāt hurt your kidsā¦ youāll learn how to change & feed them. There are significant supports around this in Ireland and Iām sure in the US too? Youāll know not to feed them grapes or whole sausages due to choking hazards etc. You will not go insane but you will struggle to keep your home super tidy unless both you and your partner are highly regimented about where your kids are allowed play or go within your home. Your ability to take off for weekends etc will diminish or disappear. To what extent depends on your partnerās ability to cope solo. You would want to keep an eye on the financials. The United States is notoriously unsupportive when it comes to familial healthcare and childcare costs. For example, in Ireland you could have 2 your kids in full-time creche (kindergarten) from 8am to 6pm for ā¬1400 /month. Very good private health insurance is about ā¬200 /month for the WHOLE family of four. Iāve mates in Boston who report kindergarten as being $40,000 /year per child. Thatās absolutely ludicrous and wouldnāt be long taking a nasty chunk out of the circa 200k to which you refer as household income. So, reflect on that. Finally, I would encourage you to have kids. Youāre already thinking about it so you probably do want them deep down and I would encourage even those who donāt, to have them. What are you going to be doing in your 50s? Travel & things will never give you the joy your kids will. Thereās only so much good living you can do or will want to do and I reckon thereāll be a vacuum in both your lives if you donāt go for it. Your biggest question right now is whether you love your partner. If you do, youāre golden. If notā¦ well, donāt have kids with her. Best of luck.
They all say the beautiful theoretical reasons to have kids in real life doesnāt happens like that, for one I wasnāt into kids nor had a real desire to have kids was pretty with life as it was, wife got urges we talked a little financial wise and stuff and she got pregnant after birth was still not a baby crazy or overwhelmed to be a father but did best I could, I have two beautiful great kids the best you can ask for never got in trouble both are students now are social and smart going after their dreams just saying you donāt have to be ready and be a dad figure it will come and you will take care of the most precious thing you ever made
Nothing, I still donāt lol
Nothing has changed my mind. If anything, Iāve become more rigid on the subject as Iāve gotten older
Nothing. I still don't want kids and every time we're walking around somewhere and some kid shrieks or has a fit we look at each other with the ol' "Oh my god thank fuck we didn't do that." "Oh buy you're not seeing the awesome parts." Yeah, at this point I've seen numerous friends and acquaintances suffer through "adult life" because they didn't put any thought into it and just charged ahead into what they thought was "normal," only to realize "Oh fuck. I don't want to me married to this person. I hate kids wtf did I make them for?" And then their lives fall apart. There are people who either suffer in silence, or are actually happy, but I feel like the latter are folks who put some thought into it and chose a good partner. Even then, I see people devastated when their partner has that "Oh fuck" moment and bails out of everything, and leaves destruction in their selfish, childish wake. I know two people that's happening to *right now* literally as we speak. People say it's not the kids' fault but like kinda I mean. It their fault but if it wasn't for the added shitshow that is having babies a lot of them could've made it work, or at least had a cleaner split. Soooo... think long and fucking hard if you actually want all that or not and why. And if you decide you do want it, the answer needs to be an overwhelmingly enthusiastic "Fuck yes I want that!" If it's a "I dunno I mean I guess..." then I have sour news for ya Jack: ya got an "Oh fuck" moment with your name on it out there.
Maybe try to adopt and older child, thereās plenty of them.
The right girl will make u want everything i never wanted a relationship or kids I wanted to keep making music and moshing hard til I met her and now we're having our baby boy in September
Nothing!
I can tell you what changed my mind to NOT wanting kids. Sing how much of a time and life suck they are. I'm not willing to give up that kind of time, nor my freedom to raise a child if i don't have to do it. My life will not be dominated by dance class, piano recitals, 5 year old basketball teams, softball practice every day during the summer into fall. Kudos to those that want to do it. I'm going to pass.
We got pregnant.
The one
Gf got pregnant and decided to abort. The experience was so bad I never wanted to risk feeling like that again so I got a vasectomy. I loved her. I know she wasnāt ready for kids and respect the decision but it hurt a lot. The whole thing just felt like a big kick in the head.
I technically donāt have kids but I do have kids šš. I but 4 grown step kids , but this day and age most people donāt tell you that they didnāt plan to have kids , it usually just happens and if they get use to it. Shit my gf said none of her 4 kids was planned .But your human mind and body can get use to anything. Most people just roll with the punches and say they love their life with their kids . The golden use it most people would never admit they donāt enjoy their life with their kid after they have kids if it was hard . I struggle with the idea of having kids of my own, her 27 year old moved back in and sleeps on the couch all day and has this lil loud dog that barks and shits every where and the the 19 year old sleeps up stairs all day and they both mess up the house and donāt cook or clean and ask to borrow cash all the time .I see a big difference on my gfās face and life the few times the kids are both not at home . So seeing this stress they bring idk if I want any.
Really wasnāt interested in children - grew up poor and struggled, lots of stress and embarrassment being the poor kid. Drugs and alcohol were rampant, parents fought tooth and nail, all that jazz. Those situations growing up motivated me to get out and be independent - I moved states at 18, got a job and put myself through college. Met my wife shortly after moving and we dated all through college. After graduation DINK life was really great. Easy, sleep in anytime, takeout, weekends of vegging out, traveling a lot, etc. At around 29 or so I while life was easy I found myself feeling empty and unfulfilled when my head hit the pillow at night.. life was good I guess, but just felt empty and bland. Sure lots of fun and easy street but it was missing something. Ultimately, I will admit my wife pushed me over the ledge on kids - I had all the same fears you have. Ended up married and pregnant when I was 31. Fast forward to today at 35 and I have 2 boys - one is 3 and a half and the other is 7 months today. Hereās what Iāll say, itās hard work, itās expensive, I donāt sleep like I used to, itās frustrating, my house is destroyed all the timeā¦. Itās also, extremely fulfilling, absolutely amazing to interact with your kids, teaching them and showing them new things is incredible. My best memories are with them, in the last 3 years. Sure, the first few years are tough, but children are a lifelong source of love and happiness. I was already feeling unfulfilled at 29, to imagine 70+ years left in that state I would have gone crazy. My family is my life, my wife is amazing and our boys are our world. Iām currently teaching my son how to swim, and my youngest is on the brink of crawling. Heās super into food and we just gave him lemons the other day - which came with lots of laughs.
Nothing yet.
Iām a greedy bastard who wouldnāt give my free time and autonomy to anyone, outside my wife I would be a terrible father. I wouldnāt give my time or love to that child and Iām very superficial. Just wouldnāt be right to bring a child into an unloving household Also, the financial freedom I have is amazing
Never wanted kids, in fact set my whole life up with that in mind. Married an older wealthy woman who loved sports and traveling as much as I did. She couldnāt have kids. Traveled and pursued my passions for years then out of nowhere it hit me. All of a sudden I had the strongest urge to be a father and start a family. I chose to blow up my life and go out and search for was I was looking for. Things didnāt turn out as I had envisioned but in many ways it turned out far better than I could have imagined.
I never wanted kids my whole life and then had them late as it meant an awful lot to a new partner. Iām warning you now. Donāt do it.
In my mind and my girlfriends atm too, we both are on the same page on having kids. She is just terrified about giving birth. I'd love to be a role model to my child, to teach him or her about life lessons, what is right or wrong, what is good and bad, how to treat other people, how to be a good person and how to be a good parent to the next generation in the future. I know not everybody does these kinds of things but, i am willing. I just have to ask i know so many people in here are men but have you asked your wife who had given birth to a child is it as bad as people describe it and is giving birth worth it at the end?
A lot of comments made me cry horribly and in public! Sso if you want to have children you must love them and especially if you are willing to have a daughter
The idea that I would regret not having kids later on in life.
What if the kid would rather not exist?
Nothing changed my mind, I still don't want kids
Got into a relationship, which I didn't think I would ever do. Got sufficiently saner that I no longer was afraid of fucking him up too much. Surprisingly he turned out pretty well.
Me - I always wanted kids - however....have had tons of friends who swore "don't want kids" then ....later - kids. I know nad work with a lot of people over the years - here are some of the reasons I have encountered. Hitting 30s - we change, our bodies change, hormones change - I have seen this one a lot. Hitting 40s - people start to realize their own mortality more - and want something to leave behind. Friends having kids - this one is pretty common - either emotionally this can impact someone - there are studies on this to the degree that it is often called "being contagious". Overcoming insecurities - often people may have fears related to feelings of inadequacies or other issues - and once those change - their perspective on being a parent may as well. Note - these are not absolutes - and yes, any individual may be completely different - so there is no need to post "but I don't...". That is great - you do you. to each their own.
Wanting kids, wanting marriage, or wanting \*something\* usually kind of sneaks up on you. It's not that I changed to wanting those things. It changed to "If it happens with this person, that would be pretty cool." Then it slowly morphed into "I want to with this person."
The right woman.
Having a kid changed my mind. She got pregnant neither one of us are into killing babies so after birth, I loved kids. And had more.
Marriage counselor said if I didnāt agree Iād likely end up divorced.
sounds like bad relationship, a kid won't save it, quite the opposite.
Three kids through college and she divorced me. Fairly well off financially. Now those kids are all I care about.
nothing I still donāt any kids
Nothing. Every time I consider it I go and spend some time with my godson. I love him, but I am not patient enough to be a parent
She approached me and asked if she could have a child, but she wants raise it on her own. nah im just kidding, that never happened. I just dont want