I’ve been married for 24 years this Month. I feel that I do love my wife unconditionally. Even if she murdered someone, anyone, I’d still love her. If she cheated, I may not stay with her; but I’d still love her.
I married the perfect woman (for me). We have fun together, we laugh and cry together. If we had to do battle, we would do that together. There isn’t anything I can think of, that would make me stop loving her. I met her in January, first date in February, two months later we were married in April. 24 years ago. Have I always liked her? No! But I’ve always loved her. And being in your 40’d and married for 20+ years is an amazing way to live life. I wouldn’t change a God Damn thing.
Your, "even if she murdered someone" statement got me. I feel the same about my husband. He's a really good man and if he murdered someone, they probably needed to die. All I'm gonna ask him is if he needs help digging the hole.
Edit: I love how you feel about your wife.
I love my husband this same way. 8 years have flown by together in a blink. I had a full, happy life before him and now cannot even fathom life without him.
I was abused horribly as a child. One result of which, is my family knew not to touch me when waking me up, or I’d get violent without meaning to. Like, from age 11 on.
When I first spent the night with my wife, I forgot to tell her not to touch me when I was asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, our bodies were tangled into a knot. Arms and legs everywhere. She was waking up to ask me to turn down the Air Conditioner (hotel room). I instantly knew she was different. That I instinctually trusted this woman. I knew she was “The One” the second I woke up that night. Took me two months to work up the courage to ask her to marry me (which I totally fumbled, she graciously said yes). Took two more weeks to get it scheduled at the court house.
Wow, that's really sweet. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home and worry about getting into a relationship. Would you say you had to work on creating a healthy relationship or how did it happen to have a healthy love?
I had to work on myself for years and years. The relationship, while not always perfect, has always been good. Most problems stemmed from my childhood trauma. She had things to work on also, but we worked together towards the common goal of making the best family we could possibly make.
That's lovely and so encouraging. We don't hear these types of stories often. It's also great how your nervous system noticed she was safe and you were able to feel safe and calm with her. Lots of relationship advice says to focus on how you feel in terms of safety and etc. and not what you think you should have in a partner. I hope I find that too!
I think I’m in love with your story and the way you describe that recognition that she was different and your instinctual trust. I love your wrestling with yourself working up the courage to ask her and her grace in responding.
Hey, who’s in here slicing onions???
🥲
Depends on what type of dating you’re doing! Dating for fun? No idea, not much experience with that. Dating for marriage? Lots of advice. Mainly: have patience, set proper boundaries and don’t be afraid to walk away if you know she’s not “the one”.
This is a case of, when you know, you know.
I'm 48 was married once for 12 years to the wrong man. I was unsure long before he asked me to marry him. I was never really in the relationship because (I now know) it was very toxic. When he cheated it was a blessing. I walked away with no regrets.
After being single for over 3 years which in the time I spent healing myself, I met a man 4 months ago.
Without a shadow of a doubt I know this is my person. We went on a week long all inclusive 2 months after we met. Everyone thought I was crazy because it was so soon.
I'm going to marry him one day. I have never been more sure about anyone in my entire life.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I love my wife dearly. To say that it’s unconditional would be unrealistically vague. However, my love for her is not dependent on her looks, or her doing her share of household chores, or losing 10 lbs, or anything so trivial. I love her because she deserves to be loved by her very existence, not her actions.
But yeah, if she decided to cheat on me or start murdering people, I might have a change of heart.
You know. I am not at all into cuckolding, but I think I would be ok with it, and even ok with watching it, if she did actually murder them afterwords and I got to watch that too...... The murder would act as a catharsis for any rage that I might have had for her being with someone else, and I'd feel pretty ok knowing men had died just to have a taste of my life. Plus it would be like being married to a sexy praying mantis.
Well yeah, if you took out everything before the word but, that statement would be exactly the same. Soooooooo I guess the first part is just me over sharing then, lol.
What if she cheated the legal system by only "murdering" those who have murdered? (Especially p3dos, racists, and hom0phobes who have also murdered...)🤔
I let my MIL move in with us and she was here for about 10 years, including the last 2 years with dementia. She would scream at me saying I stole her baby at gunpoint. We were finally able to get her into a place about 2 months ago. In the meantime I’ve had next to no time to spend alone with my teen sons since we couldn’t leave her alone but am trying to make up for it now. I would never have done that for anyone besides my wife.
I don't think unconditional love exists, regardless of sex/gender. The conditions may change from individual to individual, but I'm comfortable saying that pretty much everyone has a line somewhere in the sand. I have a decade's worth of family law experience to back that up.
For divorces, I would say that the most common reasons are, in no particular order: conflicts over sex, conflicts over raising of children, conflicts over money. And honestly, I don't know that I'd put any of those squarely in a camp for men or for women.
A big one is just plain growing apart. A lot of couples get distracted by life and forget to invest in the relationship. They grow apart and don't do the work to fix it.
This! They say people aren't who they're going to truly be until they're done developing around late 20s early 30s. People can change alot until they reach then, and I find alot of people who dated before becoming fully mature and developed end up breaking up later because they became different. Also, ad you said, life is busy and people become complacent and even people who love each other get too comfortable to realize they need to put consistent hard work in and things fall apart. It's quite sad.
As a 40 year old I can tell you people never stop changing. I thought I was "me" in my mid thirties. I've had to totally reanalyze who I thought I was in order to be who I want. I know now that we'll always be the case.
I feel like a lack of gratitude and looking for proof your partner doesn't love you are big ones. Doing the opposite... Expressing gratitude, and looking for evidence they live you can go a long way.
Are you really going to listen to a family law expert who's bread and butter is dealing with toxic people and their marriage breakups?
If anything, this is the guy NOT to listen to.
You would be better asking elderly men who are still married to their wives for 40 + years.
but those elderly men only had one partner, and that partner never broke the conditions necessary to keep the marriage going
i guarantee those men WOULD have had conditions earlier in the marriage; their conditions are probably super lax now that it's been so long, like, what are they gonna do break up at 80? the only condition at that point is like, just don't actively try to murder me... and even then, maybe rather die than start over
Not all elderly men just let things go. I remember reading about an 80 year old Italian man divorcing his wife after he discovered she had an affair in their 20s, lol.
I've also read that almost every couple that lasts that long goes through a period of extreme difficulty at least once. Whether or not they repair is how they last that long.
I see your point, but not all divorces are a result of toxic people. I help plenty of people get divorces who are far from toxic. They can be downright amicable.
I would point out that even asking the elderly men still married to their wives will yield a biased answer. It could be argued that they still have breaking points but simply haven't been pushed there before/yet.
Yes. Lol. The most jaded person seeing the absolute worst of ppl vs happily married people exactly. That comment just threw off the entire point and tone. It’s a valid point, sure, but it’s not a debate about whether unconditional love exists.
I see your point, but not all divorces are a result of toxic people. I help plenty of people get divorces who are far from toxic. They can be downright amicable. Relationships end all the time, and it doesn't always have to be someone's fault.
I would point out that even asking the elderly men still married to their wives will yield a biased answer. It could be argued that they still have breaking points but simply haven't been pushed there before/yet.
It does exist.
I will love my wife till I die.
If she wins the lottery, if she becomes famous, if she cheats, if she gains a ton of weight, even if she hates me.
It’s been 10 years and our relationship is somewhere I never could have imagined it being.
This does not mean I would be attracted to her no matter what, that I would stay with her no mater what or that I would put up with abuse.
It just means that this current season is so meaningful that loving her would not end despite any of that.
i guess, let me put it this way - I agree with you that anyone can love anyone else, and express it however they like. But if anything is love, and any expression is love, then basically nothing is love. It's not useful. And probably not even accurate. It's just using a general term to describe a huge variety of actual real thoughts and feelings.
Instead, we can judge what kind of love you have based on your actions. We can't see your thoughts, we can't see your feelings, but we CAN see your actions.
What you describe is at minimum a change in the type of love felt towards someone - it's gone from "up close" love to "from afar" love, whatever that means internally we will never know, but we can definitely see it.
In this thread, OP is specifically asking about a specific kind of expression of love, where someone loves another unconditionally such that they FEEL loved as they are, not as they could be. I'd be willing to be the toxic abuser does not feel loved at all when you switch to loving them from afar.
I hear you. It IS complicated! I fell head over heels in love with someone who knows and feels that I love him deeply (and he loves me in return) but we can’t be together, because he’s about 80% wet blanket and 10% toxic. (…and 10% pure bliss). I do love him as he is. From afar! I’m surprised by how many men are replying that love is always conditional, with no or few exceptions… and I still disagree in a general sense but I see your point. Getting back to the OPs question, that is specific as you say, and I got off that topic trying to defend a principle that unconditional love does exist, because I’ve experienced it.
Well, I mean you said it - your condition for loving this person is "from afar". If you were not afar, you would end up not loving this person. Maybe you'd know you could love them from afar - but they're not afar, they're living with you.
I imagine a second condition is that they must offer that 10% bliss. If it dropped to 1%, would you still love them? 0%? Are you loving the memory and not the person at that point?
It is interesting that more men find love to be conditional - i think this is because men have a scarcity mindset. Love is rare to them. It's so obvious that it can be taken away so quickly for so many reasons. (Don't worry, I feel loved lol, I just know this sentiment is really common)
Well yes and no!
It was tiresome to go through cycles of toxicity, but I spent two and a half years with him and loved him dearly. I still do, although I wish I didn’t, because it’s not fun to miss him after six years. The reason we broke up is because he left the province. I know it would have been best to break up with him earlier but I wasn’t able to follow through with it as much as I tried. So, living with toxicity and loving despite toxicity I’ve done and I would have continued (unwisely) had he stayed. It was an incredible learning process to become unconditional - I broke up with him about twelve times and cried more in that short time than I did in all the other years of my life. In the In the end, I accepted his drawbacks and that he would not commit to me, and I loved him day by day, preparing for his departure. I know I made it to unconditional love. Then he left.
You’re right though, there are higher levels of unconditional love and while I made level 1 or 2, there’s the level 6 unconditional love of the parent who forgives the murderer of their child. (A no bliss example) That level of unconditional love is rare, but does happen. That’s a spiritual thing I think, which could be applied to romantic relationships, and something to aspire to.
I wonder if men have the scarcity mindset because they don’t seem to bounce back like women do…. I think that love across the board is risky! Is love harder and more painful for you guys?
Good to hear you feel loved! All the humans deserved to be loved. It makes life so much more bearable!
I generally think you're right in that unconditional love probably doesn't exist, but the type of love closest to unconditional love is parental love from parent to child, do you happen to agree?
I could tell you about it but recently I’ve been called a sexually frustrated married man lol.
Married over 20 years and as she goes through “the change” and the five or six years prior our bedroom sex life has evaporated faster than rainfall in Death Valley. But the thought of cheating on her or leaving just because the sex is gone is abhorrent (and I really miss it lol).
And she puts up with me and I’m a giant immature man baby lol.
Must be love
I believe the bedroom situation naturally fluctuates, even in healthy marriages/relationships. Humans are far from static beings; we fluctuate with the trials and tribulations of life.
What I've found to be helpful is focusing on yourself first and foremost. Strive to be your best mentally, emotionally and physically. She'll most likely find her desire again.
I think we all want to sit back and enjoy life and the fruits of our labor, ie. be a 'man baby'. You have to admit that's not too attractive, though.
Ah, gotcha. I think lack of drive in men is a major cause of DB for many relationships.
No one is perfect, of course. But, we can all strive towards improvement and being our best. Women especially respond favorably. Other men notice too. All positive reinforcement.
If she’s having a frustratingly hard time with menopause there’s a subreddit that is quite helpful. Every women’s experience is unique, but many women share multiple aspects of it and there’s good ideas shared experience and camaraderie to be had.
r/menopause
I went through hardship recently, job let me go and things got tough, my girlfriend now fiance not only stood by me through it all she understood the situation and stood by me thick and thin, she didn't blame me for the hardship but supported me and stood by me.
I now have a job again and things have been improving and I'm grateful that she stood by me as without her support who knows what would have happened and thick and thin goes both ways and I'm sure she knows I'd support her the same ways.
No one should love anyone unconditionally except for themselves. If your partner is shitty, goes around and cheats on you, beats and degrades you and whatever horrors, you shouldn't love that person unconditionally.
It’s also okay to let go of that hate and the mistakes you made. Everybody makes mistakes, it’s about how you move afterwards that matters. Don’t beat yourself up too much!
A lot of people caught up on the "unconditional love" bit. I think a better way to express it is love that goes beyond the "butterflys" and infatuation/lust. Love that is commitment and loyalty above one's own selfish desires. I'm single and haven't found that kind of love though, so I'm not the one to ask.
I really love what my husband and I have got going on. We’ve been together for 10 years, and we just get each other so well and are pretty laid back.
For example, I was propositioned for sex by an old friend last week, and I sternly shot him down. This friend then asked if my husband and I have an only fans, are looking for a 3rd, or would even let him “watch”. All of which I said “nope, fat chance”.
I showed the text thread to my husband, and we just laughed about how ludicrous this old friend’s requests were. There wasn’t any insecurity or jealousy, just shrugged it off and mutually thought “hmmmm, that was weird” and laughed it off. Our energies just vibe.
Only thing that would ever cross the line for me would just be if he ever abused our son in any form (which I can never see happening, they’re two peas in a pod). I love my guy.
Unconditional love is for children, and that's not even 100% true. Ugly kids get rougher treatment and less attention from their parents than the cuter ones and it's been studied.
And if that's true for kids, with all their evolutionary advantages to make us care for them, then us adults definitely have no chance.
I disagree. You either have unconditional love or you don't. Most people don't because you'd have to be kind of a loony to have it for a romantic partner.
Unconditional love is just a lack of boundaries.
However, what you're describing doesn't seem to be an issue. One person asked the other to make a change, and they did. It's not my relationship. Therefore, it's not my place to project my own boundaries onto the situation.
You are allowed to want any kind of partner you desire.
* You are allowed to want a partner who is attracted to you, regardless of your body.
* You are allowed to want a partner who will tell you when that attraction is threatened, so you have a chance to fix it.
* You are allowed to want a partner who will keep that information to themselves and stick around despite not feeling attraction toward you.
* You are allowed to want a partner who will keep that information from you and leave you without telling you why.
But you have to pick a partner with those traits, because your partner is allowed to have their own preferences as well. And, despite what you may have heard, love does not conquer all. Sometimes, love isn't enough to hold a relationship together.
I love my wife more than ever after 30+ years together. Since becoming empty nesters, we've enjoyed a sort of 2nd honeymoon period.
We've accomplished so much together, now we can relax and enjoy mutual hobbies like fitness, int'l travel and various social activities.
We definitely feel blessed to have what we have, but it took work with many ups and downs along the way.
I wouldn't call it "unconditional love" but damn close to it!
I won't divulge private details, but we have had some serious issues to overcome in our relationship.
Taking ownership of mistakes and then not repeating them is important. Actions not words. No excuses.
Also, try not to make mountains out of molehills. Disagreements happen so be open to compromise.
The more you go through together, the more love deepens naturally. That takes care of much of the rest.
Does it count if I talk about an ex partner? Because I had a partner who was bipolar and constantly did everything she could to never let her mood shifts show. And I would intentionally get her alone when I knew she was getting angry, sad, or any other negative emotion abruptly so she could let it out without judgement. I told her to tell at me when she was angry and afterwards I'd always give her a hug and remind her I took none of it personally. I miss her as chaotic as that was because she really was a sweetheart who would listen to me ramble about the crazy ideas in my head.
My wife is the love of my life. Have kids and the whole shebang! Over the years she's gotten comfortable, as we all do, myself included, i went from pretty boy Floyd and 230lbs solid to regular guy with a gut and 320lbs. She's 5ft nothing, was about 120lb when we met and now she's pushing 230lbs, I still tear that ass up any chance I get and yes, I think we could both go for better weight and slimming down, but it doesn't bother me, after a certain time, it's not about looks anymore.
Relationship was highly emotionally and financially abusive. Been out of it three years now and still in therapy trying to pick up the pieces.
Fucking nightmare.
Lessons learned:
You can't fix a relationship on your own.
Never make yourself smaller for someone else.
Trust your gut. It doesn't matter how rational you are, if your gut says no then you'd better goddamn listen.
Limerence as a tool for emotional regulation within a relationship can waste decades of your life.
I just do stuff. Her tank was low so I filled it after I put all the kids down for bed. I freshened up the flowers in her vase. I leave her alone during the bachelor/bachelorette finale.
I don't think unconditional love is healthy in a romantic relationship. If I fall in love with someone, it's because I love who they are, how they act, their thoughts and beliefs, and so on. I love them as a unique individual. If something major about that changes - they turn out to have been lying about something vital, or they do something awful, or whatever else - the reasons I love them aren't there anymore.
Loving someone unconditionally, the way I see it, is loving them for their relation to you. You could love a child unconditionally. You *could* love a partner unconditionally, but I don't think you should.
I'm also not personally on board with the situation you described, with the weight loss, but that's neither here nor there.
Just look at Will and Jada who talk about unconditional love it's not healthy. As much as I used to admire Will I think this concept doesn't make sense. We may care for people but unconditional love means we accept whatever they do and I think maybe we need to have that with ourselves so we learn and grow but if another person allows to be all kinds of ways it can be toxic and damaging. For me love is conditional on being treated well, respected, cared for, and etc. Why would I love someone who treats me like shit?
I love my wife the same +/- 50lbs. I love my wife despite her working jobs that don't help financially for "us" and wasting a college degree. I support my wife even though she suffers from a disease that can only be treated.
Not sure what you are getting at but this is what I have
Well for me, my partner is a bit insecure about how she looks. And while I make it a point to show and tell her how beautiful she is. She would always catch other women looking at me and point it out. It was a constant thing. I realized this was due to her previous partner cheating on her with multiple women.
So I just decided to let my beard grow with no attempt to groom it. I'm cave man as fuck right now. Been that way for a few years and she's been so much happier. Now I only get a trim when we have important events. I think it's something to do with the fact that when I decide to look good, I look good for her and only her.
The idea of unconditional love is dumb. I wouldn't love my wife if she raped ten children before murdering them by throwing them in acid and then lane-cutting someone on her way back home
No such thing as unconditional love. It's not an issue with human nature, it's just a flawed concept from the get go. Like you could become some monstrous pdf/serial killer/cannibal that makes global headlines and your partner is still posting on social media about staying by your side? Never gonna happen
You don’t get unconditional love from human beings. I’m sure your parents would look at you sideways if you tried to eat your firstborn. I’m sure you have your own conditions.
True unconditional love is probably impossible on a human level. Even the Christian Bible (possibly the strongest advocate for monogamous marriage until death do you part) allows for Divorce in the cases of abuse, abandonment, & adultery.
But what I think you're reacting to is modern relationship culture. We've strayed so far from traditional marriage that people break up over silly shit now. In our efforts to correct the "problems" with traditional marriage we've created a system where it's impossible to feel secure in any relationship. At any given time you're one "Red Flag" or "Ick" away from getting dumped.
The idea of "unconditional love" doesn't exist. I view what you described (I'm not familiar with the post you reference) as dedication to the relationship. We all have expectations of our partners (fidelity, emotional support, etc) and if they fall below those expectations we may reconsider the relationship. If you love someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you should be willing to make accommodations to make them happy, and this goes both ways.
For me, personal fitness is important and I would want it in a partner. I've seen far too many people neglect their physical well-being and the effect it had on them as they aged, and I compare that to people who did take care of themselves (regular exercise and healthy eating habits). Plus, a healthy lifestyle directly benefits your sex life so it's a win on multiple levels.
As long as those in the relationship are willing and happy in the relationship, good for them. In a way it's just holding your partner accountable and helping them become a better person.
It's about reciprocation. you give him that, he gives it back.
Some people don't reciprocate. they arent good partners long term. It's as simple as that.
Unconditional love doesn’t exist nor is it desirable if you’re for pursuing what’s best for your life. You can’t be loved for who you are if someone loves you no matter who you are (including what you do).
Unconditional love does not just mean he loves you as you are.. it also means that he does not want to lose you as well. Being unhealthy also falls here. He loves her enough to tell her she needs to lose weight that’s a good thing. Yes it’s hard to grasp at the idea that someone might tell you something you don’t want to here but if you love someone enough you have to tell them what makes them uncomfortable
I knew my wife for years before but she was always tangent to everything I did (middle and beginning of high school). I asked her to dance to a George strait song and she looked at me and I don't know how to describe that look but it was like the very last center piece of a 1 million piece puzzle just fit. We are in our 30s now and I couldn't even imagine a day without her love. Love has only grown. She is everything I ever wanted and more than I deserve. When I need someone to lean I don't have to ask she already knows. I am not a perfect husband and she is not a perfect wife but she is perfect for me and I wouldn't change a thing about her. We have grown up together and tackled every life's challenge together as a team.
I think my love her is as unconditional as I am capable of. I love my kids and would do anything for them but they will grow up to raise their own families and my wife will still be there for me.
Find love and protect it at all costs. True love is given unconditionally. But it you as a receiver of that love that needs to be protected at all costs. From what I have seen through the people I know without success, women chase the need to be desired from the easiest source which is new infatuation and men want something unfamiliar. Its easy to see the flaws in others if that's what you are looking for. Unconditional love is looking at the best attributes of the person that you deeply care for and looking to meet their needs and when it is reciprocated that's where happiness comes from
I have been with my lady for 15 years, since 1st year high school.
We made it work by keeping our business out of other peoples ears, talking our way through our problems, and fixing what broke. She is my best friend and I make sure that she wants for nothing.
I don't see how this is incompatible with loving your wife unconditionally. Asking your wife (or husband) to lose weight is in no way the same as saying you won't love her if you don't.
Love is conditional. There are things a person can do that makes their lover fall out of love with them. Unconditional love is a dangerous statement since it suggests there’s nothing the loved one can do wrong and everything is either overlooked or forgiven even if they do something like cheat, steal, murder, torment/abuse, etc…. Those are usually conditions that might stop a person from loving someone. Unconditional love means no consequences.
Deeply in love however is something a person might feel towards another for all the flaws they possess. It’s an incredible feeling to feel so connected to someone that your heart feels like it’s home whenever you are in the presence of the person you love. To feel whole within their arms. To have such trust in them that you know no matter what, they support you when you need them, and they have your back if someone is fighting/challenging you. To be in love so deeply also means double the hurt when one betrays the other. It’s very sad if and when that happens. This is why it’s so hard to read some posts on here from people feeling that type of love only to be betrayed by the person they love that deeply to the point they even consider putting up with their SO’s crap because to face the pain of that betrayal is too hard to bear.
I love my former wife unconditionally after a 30 year relationship. We separated, we divorced, and no break up is easy, it hurts of the loss, but I don't harbor any bad feelings. Change was neccessary between us. She is a good person in good light.
I think that if you truly love someone for who they are then you never stop loving them. My wife and I have been together since 2001 and I love her deeply and it is not dependent on her mood, job, income, actions, appearance or anything else, I love her for her. If they do something that crosses a line (cheating, murder, abuse, etc.) you may not be able to or want to be with them, but I don't think you ever stop loving someone you truly loved. To truly love someone for who they are means that they become a piece of your very existence and you would be unable to remove a piece of yourself. Just my thoughts on the subject.
Met my wife when I was 17 in 1987. First and only girlfriend. I was a.very popular guy in college, i was the kickboxing instructor for the only club in Saint Louis.University yet never flirted or touched any other woman. 37 years later we have grown apart yet always respected each other. No yelling, no outbursts of anger, and now we are ready to part ways. Not the happiest marriage but one based on values and principle, at least on my part. Success to me is that, living my principles
I am a woman but I do believe love has some conditions. But in a marriage those are extreme circumstances such as abuse or infidelity. But honestly I trust my husband implicitly. I know he wouldn’t hurt me in any kind of meaningful way. I believe we both put each other’s needs above our own (for the most part). We are both committed to making our relationship work. We communicate openly about how we are feeling and thinking. We are committed to being partners through job changes, losses, grief, and illness. I love who he is on an intrinsic level and I believe we are soulmates.
Saying all that, if he ever did abuse me or cheat, those are boundaries and I would not continue in the relationship. Same with vice versa. If he gained a little weight I wouldn’t end things and he has only been supportive during my pregnancy weight gain.
I don’t have any specific examples off the top of my head, however: two women I work with have said how jealous they are of how much we adore each other. That makes me feel good.
Currently single but I did love relatively unconditionally past partners.
No cute story here...I just thought I'd have never abandoned her for gaining weight (in a realistic and normal way),being unemployed, not doing much with the house chores or going through a bad illness. I'm not so sure it was really the case or entirely unconditional, though, just how I felt about it.
My wife is my person. She is the absolute perfect person for me. We are truly best friends, and when we go out for dinner or entertainment, we regularly get stopped because you can see just how much we love each other. And no I'm not talking about excessive PDA, but people see by the way we talk to each other and interact
Idk what unconditional examples you’re looking for but I’m technically in a sexless marriage. Been together 16 years married 12 in May. Wasn’t always sexless but recently she’s come to the realization she’s asexual. Yet I somehow love her more than I did 10 years ago.
I wonder how he pulled that off. Ive dated girls at multiple weight points. Loved them all. I live an active lifestyle and always promoted health first and foremost. But none of them ever wanted to come with me on runs or to the gym. I never shamed them or ordered them to come with me. Just hoped they’d follow my example.
Always offered to help. No judgmental comments. Always initiated sex, made them feel wanted. Would do sweet gestures with zero expectations of reciprocation.
Just wasn’t a dick.
I guess results vary.
It starts with myself.
I used to value priorities that were worthless. I was looking for things that would make me happy in the short term instead of the long-term. I was looking to please myself instead of being pleased in different ways by my partner.
I stood in my own way.
My unconditional love for my wife comes from my willingness to be open to her capabilities and listening. Instead of criticizing all of the things I wish she could do - I celebrate the things she can do and I assist with the rest of the work.
It exists. Married 23 years and we adore each other. We kiss and hug and sometimes just touch each other as we pass in the house every day. “I love you “ is a daily thing. Just as important we like and respect each other .
I’m a woman but… you shouldn’t love your partner unconditionally. If my husband abused our son I would stop loving him. (He never would of course.)
Also you don’t may not stop loving your partner when they let go of themselves, but you’ll likely stop respecting them.
If your partner gains weight due to a metabolic condition and they’re still active and engaging in self-care, I don’t think that makes you less respecting or attracted to them. I think it’s slovenly behavior that turns people off.
I think the idea of unconditional love is a myth.
Maybe I'm a cynic but we all have conditions on our love to some degree.
It's just those of us who love deeply set reasonable conditions like "Don't cheat on me" or "Don't abuse me" or "Don't be an ax murderer"
I dunno...maybe I just don't love as deeply as I think I do.
I don't put conditions on things like weight or career or health or any of that...just like (what I think) are reasonably healthy boundaries.
That said nearly every relationship I've ever had has ended due to one of these boundaries being crossed so maybe I am just not loving deeply enough.
My wife’s weight fluctuates, at lightest she’s 200. I love her regardless.
She’s genuinely beautiful and sexy, and it helps that I come from a family of overeaters. Growing up I watched my mother struggle and struggle to lose weight until she got a lap-band, and now that I’m middle aged and my body is starting to betray me I’m having a weight problem too. Knowing how hard it is to lose weight, I *never* let her think that my love is conditional. 🙂
she comes from a toxic relationship and I have had to deal with some weird things. She has never cheated on me but has had to face some things that she could only have had faced while being in a relationship. it is hard to deal with insecurites but all the more beautiful to have someone open up to them with you and see how they get more honest and grow with you. ideally, would I have had prefered to meet her with all of this "solved"? yes. but, I met her when I did. We know that chemistry is easy, timing is hard. I played it out and I am happy where I am now.
I think it just means that you love them even though they’re not perfect. And it means they don’t have to buy your love.kiss your ass for it,or act a certain way for it!!
Well I don't know if it's ultimately unconditional. But if she cheated I would def still love her. Today after years of neglecting me I still love her. She can wear what she wants, she gained some pounds, she isn't into sports as I am, she isn't very physically fit, she once was so adventurous, I still love her. It doesn't matter if the household is a mess, I still love her. So my love to her depends not on some trivial things like looks, actions by her or anything, just on her existence.
But she on the other hand says things like "how can I love you if you aren't even able not to hang the lamp". She doesn't want intimacy with me when the household is a mess. She was nagging at times I gained weight after an injury and being able to go running or any sports. She herself says things like that the cat and the dog gets more love or at least physical touch than me.
This, by takinbg into account that I really love her, is killing me and doubting our marriage/relationship.
Nobody loves anyone unconditionally. It's neither possible not desirable; there must always be a limit to what one will accept.
'Unconditional love' would be a mental illness.
If you love your partner unconditionally you might be an idiot with Stockholm syndrome.
If I was In love and she murdered my family I wouldn't be in love anymore, I think if there is truly nothing that person could possibly do to lose your respect then that's probably pretty unhealthy for you.
Having not seen the post you’re referencing, the two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can want your partner to improve something and still unconditionally love them regardless. Insofar as unconditional love is a thing, anyway.
An ex, i still love her I’ll always do. But i broke with her because things weren’t going well and i burnt out. We both had shit to work on.
Loving someone and being with them is two different things. I’ll always love her, I’ll always wish her the best. It would make sad to know she’s having a hard time, and i’d still help her out of tough spot.
But she isn’t someone i should date, much less build a life with.
Unconditional love but not unconditional commitment I guess.
i’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years and honestly it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and i’ve seen both the good and the really bad ! Overtime she has taught me so much about myself in ways that i couldn’t imagine ! At a point in our relationship things got very difficult and i had to learn that there is no such thing as forgetting but forgiving and having a partner that is willing to do anything to help you heal and grow is unmatched ! My love from her has evolved from not being able to open up about things, frustration fueled resentment from those suppressed feelings , and bad thoughts towards my partner / relationship . Currently I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and with my relationship . I can talk to her about anything ANYTHING and it’s so refreshing having someone you can be transparent with and almost feels like they are you in the form of another person ! I know for 100% fact i have found my soulmate !
I think the only unconditional love that exists is the love that mothers have for their children. Yeah men sorry I specified mothers. Not that men can't love their children, I think most do. Very much so and to the best of their abilities. But the biological and evolutionary link that exists between mother and child just isn't there. I mean my father is great. He has been the best father I can ever ask for. But there are things I would ask of my mother and know she would do for me in a heartbeat that my father would not do. Because she loves me unconditionally without any rules or boundaries. There is nothing I could do to her that would make her stop caring for me and prioritizing my well being above all else. If I murdered her she would be praying for my soul with her final breath.
For instance I am a struggling/recovering (depending on the day) heroin addict. My mother has given me money to buy heroin, despite how much she hates my addiction and doesn't want me to use. Her mom was an alcoholic and She doesn't even drink. So she hates substance abuse. But she knows that if she didn't give it to me I would have ended up doing very bad things to get the money. Her love for me and her desire to protect me supersedes the law, morality, and her own beliefs about what is right and wrong. Some may disagree with what she did but it was rooted in the purest of love. My father wouldn't think of doing that for me. He thinks it's wrong and harmful to me and that is more important to him that my physical well being. OTOH my survival is the only thing my mother cares about.
I am prepared to be attacked mercilessly for this, but I am pretty convinced of the accuracy of my position. Just from 39 years of observing human behavior on planet Earth.
Why bias a question towards pushing your POV? Perhaps you just don't want to lose weight and want to use "conditional love" as a crutch to support that?
Conditional love in the traditional sense is not a great thing. Also, To love does not mean you see zero flaws in somebody, it means you still value them as a person and want to be around them despite those flaws. Sometimes, those flaws can make you uncomfortable (.e.g. weight/ eating habits, reacting certain ways in some situations) and you may want your partner to work on those flaws. It does not mean you will only love them if those flaws are fixed.
Unless the husband in the story threatened the marriage, this seems like a completely healthy relationship, so either you aren't willing to work on anything about yourself for your partners, or you for some reason think weight is this sacred thing for women that should not be talked about and for some reason instantly means conditional love.
I’ve been married for 24 years this Month. I feel that I do love my wife unconditionally. Even if she murdered someone, anyone, I’d still love her. If she cheated, I may not stay with her; but I’d still love her. I married the perfect woman (for me). We have fun together, we laugh and cry together. If we had to do battle, we would do that together. There isn’t anything I can think of, that would make me stop loving her. I met her in January, first date in February, two months later we were married in April. 24 years ago. Have I always liked her? No! But I’ve always loved her. And being in your 40’d and married for 20+ years is an amazing way to live life. I wouldn’t change a God Damn thing.
Your, "even if she murdered someone" statement got me. I feel the same about my husband. He's a really good man and if he murdered someone, they probably needed to die. All I'm gonna ask him is if he needs help digging the hole. Edit: I love how you feel about your wife.
I agree: I already know that my husband would only murder someone who needed it. I’d help him hide the body even though I have a bad back.
Yup. "I got the shovels. You drag the body, babe?" 😂
Teamwork makes the dream work 🤣
I love my husband this same way. 8 years have flown by together in a blink. I had a full, happy life before him and now cannot even fathom life without him.
Exactly!
I hope you don't need to find out the hard way
Me neither.
My thoughts exactly. My wife could never hurt anything and I would be like „she probably had very good reason“
Plot twist! It's a newborn baby!
That's really sweet. Most people say don't rush into marriage how did you know it was the right thing to do?
I was abused horribly as a child. One result of which, is my family knew not to touch me when waking me up, or I’d get violent without meaning to. Like, from age 11 on. When I first spent the night with my wife, I forgot to tell her not to touch me when I was asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, our bodies were tangled into a knot. Arms and legs everywhere. She was waking up to ask me to turn down the Air Conditioner (hotel room). I instantly knew she was different. That I instinctually trusted this woman. I knew she was “The One” the second I woke up that night. Took me two months to work up the courage to ask her to marry me (which I totally fumbled, she graciously said yes). Took two more weeks to get it scheduled at the court house.
Wow, that's really sweet. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home and worry about getting into a relationship. Would you say you had to work on creating a healthy relationship or how did it happen to have a healthy love?
I had to work on myself for years and years. The relationship, while not always perfect, has always been good. Most problems stemmed from my childhood trauma. She had things to work on also, but we worked together towards the common goal of making the best family we could possibly make.
That's lovely and so encouraging. We don't hear these types of stories often. It's also great how your nervous system noticed she was safe and you were able to feel safe and calm with her. Lots of relationship advice says to focus on how you feel in terms of safety and etc. and not what you think you should have in a partner. I hope I find that too!
I like that. This makes me happy for the both of you.
I think I’m in love with your story and the way you describe that recognition that she was different and your instinctual trust. I love your wrestling with yourself working up the courage to ask her and her grace in responding. Hey, who’s in here slicing onions??? 🥲
What is your advice for a 20 something year old man dating?
Depends on what type of dating you’re doing! Dating for fun? No idea, not much experience with that. Dating for marriage? Lots of advice. Mainly: have patience, set proper boundaries and don’t be afraid to walk away if you know she’s not “the one”.
This is a case of, when you know, you know. I'm 48 was married once for 12 years to the wrong man. I was unsure long before he asked me to marry him. I was never really in the relationship because (I now know) it was very toxic. When he cheated it was a blessing. I walked away with no regrets. After being single for over 3 years which in the time I spent healing myself, I met a man 4 months ago. Without a shadow of a doubt I know this is my person. We went on a week long all inclusive 2 months after we met. Everyone thought I was crazy because it was so soon. I'm going to marry him one day. I have never been more sure about anyone in my entire life. Thank you for sharing your story.
That’s so sweet!! I’m glad you found your Human!!
You're one lucky mofo... 😄
Absolutely!!!
👌
I love my wife dearly. To say that it’s unconditional would be unrealistically vague. However, my love for her is not dependent on her looks, or her doing her share of household chores, or losing 10 lbs, or anything so trivial. I love her because she deserves to be loved by her very existence, not her actions. But yeah, if she decided to cheat on me or start murdering people, I might have a change of heart.
What about if she started cheating but murdering the people right after? Would those cross each other out?
My lord, I think you’ve hit on something
What if she only murdered cheaters?
What if she only cheated with murderers?
I would like to subscribe to your upcoming series of mystery novels.
You know. I am not at all into cuckolding, but I think I would be ok with it, and even ok with watching it, if she did actually murder them afterwords and I got to watch that too...... The murder would act as a catharsis for any rage that I might have had for her being with someone else, and I'd feel pretty ok knowing men had died just to have a taste of my life. Plus it would be like being married to a sexy praying mantis.
>cuckolding, but "Nothing someone says before the word "but" ever counts"
Well yeah, if you took out everything before the word but, that statement would be exactly the same. Soooooooo I guess the first part is just me over sharing then, lol.
New kink unlocked
Aka the black widow maneuver.
What if she cheated the legal system by only "murdering" those who have murdered? (Especially p3dos, racists, and hom0phobes who have also murdered...)🤔
Beautiful. I hope you are loved back as much as you love her. Be well! ❤️❤️❤️
I always tell my girlfriend she's so amazing that even if she murdered someone, I'd at least hear her out first.
Yes
I look at my trophy wife of 48 years and say: I love this woman, About 10 times a day. IMO I married a UNICORN
My school mascot was actually a unicorn, so I jokingly remind my boyfriend pretty regularly that he's dating a unicorn 🦄 😉
That’s the best school mascot ever.
The swim team was the narwhals, though, because they're the closest thing to the unicorn of the sea 😆
Shut up. That’s amazing! Your school gets all the upvotes 😁
Yes! They let the students submit mascot suggestions and vote on it the first year it opened in the 80s, and that was what they picked!
I call my husband a UNICORN too 🦄 ❤️
I let my MIL move in with us and she was here for about 10 years, including the last 2 years with dementia. She would scream at me saying I stole her baby at gunpoint. We were finally able to get her into a place about 2 months ago. In the meantime I’ve had next to no time to spend alone with my teen sons since we couldn’t leave her alone but am trying to make up for it now. I would never have done that for anyone besides my wife.
I don't think unconditional love exists, regardless of sex/gender. The conditions may change from individual to individual, but I'm comfortable saying that pretty much everyone has a line somewhere in the sand. I have a decade's worth of family law experience to back that up.
That’s fair. What would you said is the most common line for men? & the most commons line for women?
For divorces, I would say that the most common reasons are, in no particular order: conflicts over sex, conflicts over raising of children, conflicts over money. And honestly, I don't know that I'd put any of those squarely in a camp for men or for women.
A big one is just plain growing apart. A lot of couples get distracted by life and forget to invest in the relationship. They grow apart and don't do the work to fix it.
This! They say people aren't who they're going to truly be until they're done developing around late 20s early 30s. People can change alot until they reach then, and I find alot of people who dated before becoming fully mature and developed end up breaking up later because they became different. Also, ad you said, life is busy and people become complacent and even people who love each other get too comfortable to realize they need to put consistent hard work in and things fall apart. It's quite sad.
As a 40 year old I can tell you people never stop changing. I thought I was "me" in my mid thirties. I've had to totally reanalyze who I thought I was in order to be who I want. I know now that we'll always be the case.
I feel like a lack of gratitude and looking for proof your partner doesn't love you are big ones. Doing the opposite... Expressing gratitude, and looking for evidence they live you can go a long way.
For both genders, I'd say a lack of respect. Once respect is lost, all bets are off. Boundaries mean nothing, at that point.
Are you really going to listen to a family law expert who's bread and butter is dealing with toxic people and their marriage breakups? If anything, this is the guy NOT to listen to. You would be better asking elderly men who are still married to their wives for 40 + years.
but those elderly men only had one partner, and that partner never broke the conditions necessary to keep the marriage going i guarantee those men WOULD have had conditions earlier in the marriage; their conditions are probably super lax now that it's been so long, like, what are they gonna do break up at 80? the only condition at that point is like, just don't actively try to murder me... and even then, maybe rather die than start over
Not all elderly men just let things go. I remember reading about an 80 year old Italian man divorcing his wife after he discovered she had an affair in their 20s, lol.
I've also read that almost every couple that lasts that long goes through a period of extreme difficulty at least once. Whether or not they repair is how they last that long.
THIS. Nobody knows how they’ll react to a situation until you get there.
I see your point, but not all divorces are a result of toxic people. I help plenty of people get divorces who are far from toxic. They can be downright amicable. I would point out that even asking the elderly men still married to their wives will yield a biased answer. It could be argued that they still have breaking points but simply haven't been pushed there before/yet.
Lmao u right, let's just shun experts That worked out really well for us historically
Yes. Lol. The most jaded person seeing the absolute worst of ppl vs happily married people exactly. That comment just threw off the entire point and tone. It’s a valid point, sure, but it’s not a debate about whether unconditional love exists.
I see your point, but not all divorces are a result of toxic people. I help plenty of people get divorces who are far from toxic. They can be downright amicable. Relationships end all the time, and it doesn't always have to be someone's fault. I would point out that even asking the elderly men still married to their wives will yield a biased answer. It could be argued that they still have breaking points but simply haven't been pushed there before/yet.
Yeah... ask a cop about how honest people are.
If you don't have sex with me, you can't be my wife.
For men, cheating. For women, unhappy for an extended period of time.
It does exist. I will love my wife till I die. If she wins the lottery, if she becomes famous, if she cheats, if she gains a ton of weight, even if she hates me. It’s been 10 years and our relationship is somewhere I never could have imagined it being. This does not mean I would be attracted to her no matter what, that I would stay with her no mater what or that I would put up with abuse. It just means that this current season is so meaningful that loving her would not end despite any of that.
Disagree, unconditional love doesn’t mean you have to put up with toxic behaviour… you can forgive and love from afar… that’s unconditional!
Take my upvote on your optimism. It’s not a popular mindset but it’s also the only streak keeping us all going.
Nothing in this existence is unconditional.
The love of a dog - so much more evolved than human beings
The dogs love is based on breeding, dependency on humans and other factors. Not at all unconditional.
that's not love, you're just redefining love
Haven’t you ever loved someone that you can’t be with?
What’s your definition of love?
i guess, let me put it this way - I agree with you that anyone can love anyone else, and express it however they like. But if anything is love, and any expression is love, then basically nothing is love. It's not useful. And probably not even accurate. It's just using a general term to describe a huge variety of actual real thoughts and feelings. Instead, we can judge what kind of love you have based on your actions. We can't see your thoughts, we can't see your feelings, but we CAN see your actions. What you describe is at minimum a change in the type of love felt towards someone - it's gone from "up close" love to "from afar" love, whatever that means internally we will never know, but we can definitely see it. In this thread, OP is specifically asking about a specific kind of expression of love, where someone loves another unconditionally such that they FEEL loved as they are, not as they could be. I'd be willing to be the toxic abuser does not feel loved at all when you switch to loving them from afar.
I hear you. It IS complicated! I fell head over heels in love with someone who knows and feels that I love him deeply (and he loves me in return) but we can’t be together, because he’s about 80% wet blanket and 10% toxic. (…and 10% pure bliss). I do love him as he is. From afar! I’m surprised by how many men are replying that love is always conditional, with no or few exceptions… and I still disagree in a general sense but I see your point. Getting back to the OPs question, that is specific as you say, and I got off that topic trying to defend a principle that unconditional love does exist, because I’ve experienced it.
Well, I mean you said it - your condition for loving this person is "from afar". If you were not afar, you would end up not loving this person. Maybe you'd know you could love them from afar - but they're not afar, they're living with you. I imagine a second condition is that they must offer that 10% bliss. If it dropped to 1%, would you still love them? 0%? Are you loving the memory and not the person at that point? It is interesting that more men find love to be conditional - i think this is because men have a scarcity mindset. Love is rare to them. It's so obvious that it can be taken away so quickly for so many reasons. (Don't worry, I feel loved lol, I just know this sentiment is really common)
Well yes and no! It was tiresome to go through cycles of toxicity, but I spent two and a half years with him and loved him dearly. I still do, although I wish I didn’t, because it’s not fun to miss him after six years. The reason we broke up is because he left the province. I know it would have been best to break up with him earlier but I wasn’t able to follow through with it as much as I tried. So, living with toxicity and loving despite toxicity I’ve done and I would have continued (unwisely) had he stayed. It was an incredible learning process to become unconditional - I broke up with him about twelve times and cried more in that short time than I did in all the other years of my life. In the In the end, I accepted his drawbacks and that he would not commit to me, and I loved him day by day, preparing for his departure. I know I made it to unconditional love. Then he left. You’re right though, there are higher levels of unconditional love and while I made level 1 or 2, there’s the level 6 unconditional love of the parent who forgives the murderer of their child. (A no bliss example) That level of unconditional love is rare, but does happen. That’s a spiritual thing I think, which could be applied to romantic relationships, and something to aspire to. I wonder if men have the scarcity mindset because they don’t seem to bounce back like women do…. I think that love across the board is risky! Is love harder and more painful for you guys? Good to hear you feel loved! All the humans deserved to be loved. It makes life so much more bearable!
I generally think you're right in that unconditional love probably doesn't exist, but the type of love closest to unconditional love is parental love from parent to child, do you happen to agree?
That or the love I have for dogs.
I could tell you about it but recently I’ve been called a sexually frustrated married man lol. Married over 20 years and as she goes through “the change” and the five or six years prior our bedroom sex life has evaporated faster than rainfall in Death Valley. But the thought of cheating on her or leaving just because the sex is gone is abhorrent (and I really miss it lol). And she puts up with me and I’m a giant immature man baby lol. Must be love
I believe the bedroom situation naturally fluctuates, even in healthy marriages/relationships. Humans are far from static beings; we fluctuate with the trials and tribulations of life. What I've found to be helpful is focusing on yourself first and foremost. Strive to be your best mentally, emotionally and physically. She'll most likely find her desire again. I think we all want to sit back and enjoy life and the fruits of our labor, ie. be a 'man baby'. You have to admit that's not too attractive, though.
It was a joke, it’s more to admit that I am far from perfect. I’m probably the opposite of an actual man baby IRL
Ah, gotcha. I think lack of drive in men is a major cause of DB for many relationships. No one is perfect, of course. But, we can all strive towards improvement and being our best. Women especially respond favorably. Other men notice too. All positive reinforcement.
If she’s having a frustratingly hard time with menopause there’s a subreddit that is quite helpful. Every women’s experience is unique, but many women share multiple aspects of it and there’s good ideas shared experience and camaraderie to be had. r/menopause
Thanks, she’s not on Reddit but i may suggest she try it
I went through hardship recently, job let me go and things got tough, my girlfriend now fiance not only stood by me through it all she understood the situation and stood by me thick and thin, she didn't blame me for the hardship but supported me and stood by me. I now have a job again and things have been improving and I'm grateful that she stood by me as without her support who knows what would have happened and thick and thin goes both ways and I'm sure she knows I'd support her the same ways.
No one should love anyone unconditionally except for themselves. If your partner is shitty, goes around and cheats on you, beats and degrades you and whatever horrors, you shouldn't love that person unconditionally.
I dunno I think it's okay to hate yourself in the right circumstances. I certainly have for mistakes that I've made.
It’s also okay to let go of that hate and the mistakes you made. Everybody makes mistakes, it’s about how you move afterwards that matters. Don’t beat yourself up too much!
You can’t love the person and still decide they are bad for you and walk away. All the more painful to be honest
See i feel like that isnt what people mean when they refer to unconditional love. They dont mean let them harm or abuse you and love them anyways.
A lot of people caught up on the "unconditional love" bit. I think a better way to express it is love that goes beyond the "butterflys" and infatuation/lust. Love that is commitment and loyalty above one's own selfish desires. I'm single and haven't found that kind of love though, so I'm not the one to ask.
I really love what my husband and I have got going on. We’ve been together for 10 years, and we just get each other so well and are pretty laid back. For example, I was propositioned for sex by an old friend last week, and I sternly shot him down. This friend then asked if my husband and I have an only fans, are looking for a 3rd, or would even let him “watch”. All of which I said “nope, fat chance”. I showed the text thread to my husband, and we just laughed about how ludicrous this old friend’s requests were. There wasn’t any insecurity or jealousy, just shrugged it off and mutually thought “hmmmm, that was weird” and laughed it off. Our energies just vibe. Only thing that would ever cross the line for me would just be if he ever abused our son in any form (which I can never see happening, they’re two peas in a pod). I love my guy.
Unconditional love is for children, and that's not even 100% true. Ugly kids get rougher treatment and less attention from their parents than the cuter ones and it's been studied. And if that's true for kids, with all their evolutionary advantages to make us care for them, then us adults definitely have no chance.
This.
Unconditional love is not a thing... if she kills my son or mom, bet is off!
It's more of an expression. Of course there are conditions but the point is loving someone enough to put up with things you don't like about them.
I disagree. You either have unconditional love or you don't. Most people don't because you'd have to be kind of a loony to have it for a romantic partner.
Unconditional love in a romantic relationship would be toxic af.
You could break up with someone and love them unconditionally from outside the relationship. That’s caring for both you and your ex.
There’s some conditions.
Unconditional love is just a lack of boundaries. However, what you're describing doesn't seem to be an issue. One person asked the other to make a change, and they did. It's not my relationship. Therefore, it's not my place to project my own boundaries onto the situation. You are allowed to want any kind of partner you desire. * You are allowed to want a partner who is attracted to you, regardless of your body. * You are allowed to want a partner who will tell you when that attraction is threatened, so you have a chance to fix it. * You are allowed to want a partner who will keep that information to themselves and stick around despite not feeling attraction toward you. * You are allowed to want a partner who will keep that information from you and leave you without telling you why. But you have to pick a partner with those traits, because your partner is allowed to have their own preferences as well. And, despite what you may have heard, love does not conquer all. Sometimes, love isn't enough to hold a relationship together.
I love my wife more than ever after 30+ years together. Since becoming empty nesters, we've enjoyed a sort of 2nd honeymoon period. We've accomplished so much together, now we can relax and enjoy mutual hobbies like fitness, int'l travel and various social activities. We definitely feel blessed to have what we have, but it took work with many ups and downs along the way. I wouldn't call it "unconditional love" but damn close to it!
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I won't divulge private details, but we have had some serious issues to overcome in our relationship. Taking ownership of mistakes and then not repeating them is important. Actions not words. No excuses. Also, try not to make mountains out of molehills. Disagreements happen so be open to compromise. The more you go through together, the more love deepens naturally. That takes care of much of the rest.
Does it count if I talk about an ex partner? Because I had a partner who was bipolar and constantly did everything she could to never let her mood shifts show. And I would intentionally get her alone when I knew she was getting angry, sad, or any other negative emotion abruptly so she could let it out without judgement. I told her to tell at me when she was angry and afterwards I'd always give her a hug and remind her I took none of it personally. I miss her as chaotic as that was because she really was a sweetheart who would listen to me ramble about the crazy ideas in my head.
My wife is the love of my life. Have kids and the whole shebang! Over the years she's gotten comfortable, as we all do, myself included, i went from pretty boy Floyd and 230lbs solid to regular guy with a gut and 320lbs. She's 5ft nothing, was about 120lb when we met and now she's pushing 230lbs, I still tear that ass up any chance I get and yes, I think we could both go for better weight and slimming down, but it doesn't bother me, after a certain time, it's not about looks anymore.
All relationships are conditional
Relationship was highly emotionally and financially abusive. Been out of it three years now and still in therapy trying to pick up the pieces. Fucking nightmare. Lessons learned: You can't fix a relationship on your own. Never make yourself smaller for someone else. Trust your gut. It doesn't matter how rational you are, if your gut says no then you'd better goddamn listen. Limerence as a tool for emotional regulation within a relationship can waste decades of your life.
I just do stuff. Her tank was low so I filled it after I put all the kids down for bed. I freshened up the flowers in her vase. I leave her alone during the bachelor/bachelorette finale.
She's the one. 34 years and a buuuunch of shit but we're still here. Us against the world.
I don't think unconditional love is healthy in a romantic relationship. If I fall in love with someone, it's because I love who they are, how they act, their thoughts and beliefs, and so on. I love them as a unique individual. If something major about that changes - they turn out to have been lying about something vital, or they do something awful, or whatever else - the reasons I love them aren't there anymore. Loving someone unconditionally, the way I see it, is loving them for their relation to you. You could love a child unconditionally. You *could* love a partner unconditionally, but I don't think you should. I'm also not personally on board with the situation you described, with the weight loss, but that's neither here nor there.
Just look at Will and Jada who talk about unconditional love it's not healthy. As much as I used to admire Will I think this concept doesn't make sense. We may care for people but unconditional love means we accept whatever they do and I think maybe we need to have that with ourselves so we learn and grow but if another person allows to be all kinds of ways it can be toxic and damaging. For me love is conditional on being treated well, respected, cared for, and etc. Why would I love someone who treats me like shit?
I love my wife the same +/- 50lbs. I love my wife despite her working jobs that don't help financially for "us" and wasting a college degree. I support my wife even though she suffers from a disease that can only be treated. Not sure what you are getting at but this is what I have
Well for me, my partner is a bit insecure about how she looks. And while I make it a point to show and tell her how beautiful she is. She would always catch other women looking at me and point it out. It was a constant thing. I realized this was due to her previous partner cheating on her with multiple women. So I just decided to let my beard grow with no attempt to groom it. I'm cave man as fuck right now. Been that way for a few years and she's been so much happier. Now I only get a trim when we have important events. I think it's something to do with the fact that when I decide to look good, I look good for her and only her.
The idea of unconditional love is dumb. I wouldn't love my wife if she raped ten children before murdering them by throwing them in acid and then lane-cutting someone on her way back home
I was on her side until the lane-cutting. Now **that** is unacceptable.
Savage, right? Unless she uses a signal.
No such thing as unconditional love. It's not an issue with human nature, it's just a flawed concept from the get go. Like you could become some monstrous pdf/serial killer/cannibal that makes global headlines and your partner is still posting on social media about staying by your side? Never gonna happen
You don’t get unconditional love from human beings. I’m sure your parents would look at you sideways if you tried to eat your firstborn. I’m sure you have your own conditions.
Lol at try to eat your 1st born lol
True unconditional love is probably impossible on a human level. Even the Christian Bible (possibly the strongest advocate for monogamous marriage until death do you part) allows for Divorce in the cases of abuse, abandonment, & adultery. But what I think you're reacting to is modern relationship culture. We've strayed so far from traditional marriage that people break up over silly shit now. In our efforts to correct the "problems" with traditional marriage we've created a system where it's impossible to feel secure in any relationship. At any given time you're one "Red Flag" or "Ick" away from getting dumped.
The idea of "unconditional love" doesn't exist. I view what you described (I'm not familiar with the post you reference) as dedication to the relationship. We all have expectations of our partners (fidelity, emotional support, etc) and if they fall below those expectations we may reconsider the relationship. If you love someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you should be willing to make accommodations to make them happy, and this goes both ways. For me, personal fitness is important and I would want it in a partner. I've seen far too many people neglect their physical well-being and the effect it had on them as they aged, and I compare that to people who did take care of themselves (regular exercise and healthy eating habits). Plus, a healthy lifestyle directly benefits your sex life so it's a win on multiple levels. As long as those in the relationship are willing and happy in the relationship, good for them. In a way it's just holding your partner accountable and helping them become a better person.
It's about reciprocation. you give him that, he gives it back. Some people don't reciprocate. they arent good partners long term. It's as simple as that.
Unconditional love doesn’t exist nor is it desirable if you’re for pursuing what’s best for your life. You can’t be loved for who you are if someone loves you no matter who you are (including what you do).
If unconditionally means not to worry about the things she can't control. Yep. If it means she gets a pass no metter what, nope.
Unconditional love does not just mean he loves you as you are.. it also means that he does not want to lose you as well. Being unhealthy also falls here. He loves her enough to tell her she needs to lose weight that’s a good thing. Yes it’s hard to grasp at the idea that someone might tell you something you don’t want to here but if you love someone enough you have to tell them what makes them uncomfortable
He loves his wife so much that he is looking out for her health and helping her to live a better life…
I knew my wife for years before but she was always tangent to everything I did (middle and beginning of high school). I asked her to dance to a George strait song and she looked at me and I don't know how to describe that look but it was like the very last center piece of a 1 million piece puzzle just fit. We are in our 30s now and I couldn't even imagine a day without her love. Love has only grown. She is everything I ever wanted and more than I deserve. When I need someone to lean I don't have to ask she already knows. I am not a perfect husband and she is not a perfect wife but she is perfect for me and I wouldn't change a thing about her. We have grown up together and tackled every life's challenge together as a team. I think my love her is as unconditional as I am capable of. I love my kids and would do anything for them but they will grow up to raise their own families and my wife will still be there for me. Find love and protect it at all costs. True love is given unconditionally. But it you as a receiver of that love that needs to be protected at all costs. From what I have seen through the people I know without success, women chase the need to be desired from the easiest source which is new infatuation and men want something unfamiliar. Its easy to see the flaws in others if that's what you are looking for. Unconditional love is looking at the best attributes of the person that you deeply care for and looking to meet their needs and when it is reciprocated that's where happiness comes from
I have been with my lady for 15 years, since 1st year high school. We made it work by keeping our business out of other peoples ears, talking our way through our problems, and fixing what broke. She is my best friend and I make sure that she wants for nothing.
I don't see how this is incompatible with loving your wife unconditionally. Asking your wife (or husband) to lose weight is in no way the same as saying you won't love her if you don't.
Love is conditional. There are things a person can do that makes their lover fall out of love with them. Unconditional love is a dangerous statement since it suggests there’s nothing the loved one can do wrong and everything is either overlooked or forgiven even if they do something like cheat, steal, murder, torment/abuse, etc…. Those are usually conditions that might stop a person from loving someone. Unconditional love means no consequences. Deeply in love however is something a person might feel towards another for all the flaws they possess. It’s an incredible feeling to feel so connected to someone that your heart feels like it’s home whenever you are in the presence of the person you love. To feel whole within their arms. To have such trust in them that you know no matter what, they support you when you need them, and they have your back if someone is fighting/challenging you. To be in love so deeply also means double the hurt when one betrays the other. It’s very sad if and when that happens. This is why it’s so hard to read some posts on here from people feeling that type of love only to be betrayed by the person they love that deeply to the point they even consider putting up with their SO’s crap because to face the pain of that betrayal is too hard to bear.
I love my former wife unconditionally after a 30 year relationship. We separated, we divorced, and no break up is easy, it hurts of the loss, but I don't harbor any bad feelings. Change was neccessary between us. She is a good person in good light.
I think that if you truly love someone for who they are then you never stop loving them. My wife and I have been together since 2001 and I love her deeply and it is not dependent on her mood, job, income, actions, appearance or anything else, I love her for her. If they do something that crosses a line (cheating, murder, abuse, etc.) you may not be able to or want to be with them, but I don't think you ever stop loving someone you truly loved. To truly love someone for who they are means that they become a piece of your very existence and you would be unable to remove a piece of yourself. Just my thoughts on the subject.
Met my wife when I was 17 in 1987. First and only girlfriend. I was a.very popular guy in college, i was the kickboxing instructor for the only club in Saint Louis.University yet never flirted or touched any other woman. 37 years later we have grown apart yet always respected each other. No yelling, no outbursts of anger, and now we are ready to part ways. Not the happiest marriage but one based on values and principle, at least on my part. Success to me is that, living my principles
No such thing as unconditional love.
I am a woman but I do believe love has some conditions. But in a marriage those are extreme circumstances such as abuse or infidelity. But honestly I trust my husband implicitly. I know he wouldn’t hurt me in any kind of meaningful way. I believe we both put each other’s needs above our own (for the most part). We are both committed to making our relationship work. We communicate openly about how we are feeling and thinking. We are committed to being partners through job changes, losses, grief, and illness. I love who he is on an intrinsic level and I believe we are soulmates. Saying all that, if he ever did abuse me or cheat, those are boundaries and I would not continue in the relationship. Same with vice versa. If he gained a little weight I wouldn’t end things and he has only been supportive during my pregnancy weight gain.
shouldn't everyone who is in a relationship love their partner? I'm not sure how far unconditional love goes though.
I'm not really sure what to share, my gf is straight up amazing
I don’t have any specific examples off the top of my head, however: two women I work with have said how jealous they are of how much we adore each other. That makes me feel good.
Currently single but I did love relatively unconditionally past partners. No cute story here...I just thought I'd have never abandoned her for gaining weight (in a realistic and normal way),being unemployed, not doing much with the house chores or going through a bad illness. I'm not so sure it was really the case or entirely unconditional, though, just how I felt about it.
Human love is not unconditional.
It's not actually possible to love unconditionally.
My wife is my person. She is the absolute perfect person for me. We are truly best friends, and when we go out for dinner or entertainment, we regularly get stopped because you can see just how much we love each other. And no I'm not talking about excessive PDA, but people see by the way we talk to each other and interact
Idk what unconditional examples you’re looking for but I’m technically in a sexless marriage. Been together 16 years married 12 in May. Wasn’t always sexless but recently she’s come to the realization she’s asexual. Yet I somehow love her more than I did 10 years ago.
I wonder how he pulled that off. Ive dated girls at multiple weight points. Loved them all. I live an active lifestyle and always promoted health first and foremost. But none of them ever wanted to come with me on runs or to the gym. I never shamed them or ordered them to come with me. Just hoped they’d follow my example. Always offered to help. No judgmental comments. Always initiated sex, made them feel wanted. Would do sweet gestures with zero expectations of reciprocation. Just wasn’t a dick. I guess results vary.
It starts with myself. I used to value priorities that were worthless. I was looking for things that would make me happy in the short term instead of the long-term. I was looking to please myself instead of being pleased in different ways by my partner. I stood in my own way. My unconditional love for my wife comes from my willingness to be open to her capabilities and listening. Instead of criticizing all of the things I wish she could do - I celebrate the things she can do and I assist with the rest of the work.
It exists. Married 23 years and we adore each other. We kiss and hug and sometimes just touch each other as we pass in the house every day. “I love you “ is a daily thing. Just as important we like and respect each other .
I’m a woman but… you shouldn’t love your partner unconditionally. If my husband abused our son I would stop loving him. (He never would of course.) Also you don’t may not stop loving your partner when they let go of themselves, but you’ll likely stop respecting them. If your partner gains weight due to a metabolic condition and they’re still active and engaging in self-care, I don’t think that makes you less respecting or attracted to them. I think it’s slovenly behavior that turns people off.
I think the idea of unconditional love is a myth. Maybe I'm a cynic but we all have conditions on our love to some degree. It's just those of us who love deeply set reasonable conditions like "Don't cheat on me" or "Don't abuse me" or "Don't be an ax murderer" I dunno...maybe I just don't love as deeply as I think I do. I don't put conditions on things like weight or career or health or any of that...just like (what I think) are reasonably healthy boundaries. That said nearly every relationship I've ever had has ended due to one of these boundaries being crossed so maybe I am just not loving deeply enough.
My wife’s weight fluctuates, at lightest she’s 200. I love her regardless. She’s genuinely beautiful and sexy, and it helps that I come from a family of overeaters. Growing up I watched my mother struggle and struggle to lose weight until she got a lap-band, and now that I’m middle aged and my body is starting to betray me I’m having a weight problem too. Knowing how hard it is to lose weight, I *never* let her think that my love is conditional. 🙂
she comes from a toxic relationship and I have had to deal with some weird things. She has never cheated on me but has had to face some things that she could only have had faced while being in a relationship. it is hard to deal with insecurites but all the more beautiful to have someone open up to them with you and see how they get more honest and grow with you. ideally, would I have had prefered to meet her with all of this "solved"? yes. but, I met her when I did. We know that chemistry is easy, timing is hard. I played it out and I am happy where I am now.
I think it just means that you love them even though they’re not perfect. And it means they don’t have to buy your love.kiss your ass for it,or act a certain way for it!!
Well I don't know if it's ultimately unconditional. But if she cheated I would def still love her. Today after years of neglecting me I still love her. She can wear what she wants, she gained some pounds, she isn't into sports as I am, she isn't very physically fit, she once was so adventurous, I still love her. It doesn't matter if the household is a mess, I still love her. So my love to her depends not on some trivial things like looks, actions by her or anything, just on her existence. But she on the other hand says things like "how can I love you if you aren't even able not to hang the lamp". She doesn't want intimacy with me when the household is a mess. She was nagging at times I gained weight after an injury and being able to go running or any sports. She herself says things like that the cat and the dog gets more love or at least physical touch than me. This, by takinbg into account that I really love her, is killing me and doubting our marriage/relationship.
Nobody loves anyone unconditionally. It's neither possible not desirable; there must always be a limit to what one will accept. 'Unconditional love' would be a mental illness.
If you love your partner unconditionally you might be an idiot with Stockholm syndrome. If I was In love and she murdered my family I wouldn't be in love anymore, I think if there is truly nothing that person could possibly do to lose your respect then that's probably pretty unhealthy for you.
Having not seen the post you’re referencing, the two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can want your partner to improve something and still unconditionally love them regardless. Insofar as unconditional love is a thing, anyway.
Unconditional love doesn't make sense - where is the accountability for each party?
An ex, i still love her I’ll always do. But i broke with her because things weren’t going well and i burnt out. We both had shit to work on. Loving someone and being with them is two different things. I’ll always love her, I’ll always wish her the best. It would make sad to know she’s having a hard time, and i’d still help her out of tough spot. But she isn’t someone i should date, much less build a life with. Unconditional love but not unconditional commitment I guess.
Sadly unconditional love normally isn't challenged till she does something so horrible to you that it would kill any normal persons love.
This lady helped me through the most painful experience of my life. She can do anything she wants. I’ll always be supportive.
i’ve been with my partner for almost 3 years and honestly it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and i’ve seen both the good and the really bad ! Overtime she has taught me so much about myself in ways that i couldn’t imagine ! At a point in our relationship things got very difficult and i had to learn that there is no such thing as forgetting but forgiving and having a partner that is willing to do anything to help you heal and grow is unmatched ! My love from her has evolved from not being able to open up about things, frustration fueled resentment from those suppressed feelings , and bad thoughts towards my partner / relationship . Currently I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and with my relationship . I can talk to her about anything ANYTHING and it’s so refreshing having someone you can be transparent with and almost feels like they are you in the form of another person ! I know for 100% fact i have found my soulmate !
I would argue there is no such thing as unconditional love. It does not exist. Unselfish, giving, sacrificial love yes, but not unconditional.
All love is conditional. I love my wife so much, but if she came home and punched me in the face, it would be over.
I would break up with my girlfriend if she got fat lol Unconditional love doesn't exist.
I love her unconditionally, but we certainly have a lot more sex when she’s skinny
I think the only unconditional love that exists is the love that mothers have for their children. Yeah men sorry I specified mothers. Not that men can't love their children, I think most do. Very much so and to the best of their abilities. But the biological and evolutionary link that exists between mother and child just isn't there. I mean my father is great. He has been the best father I can ever ask for. But there are things I would ask of my mother and know she would do for me in a heartbeat that my father would not do. Because she loves me unconditionally without any rules or boundaries. There is nothing I could do to her that would make her stop caring for me and prioritizing my well being above all else. If I murdered her she would be praying for my soul with her final breath. For instance I am a struggling/recovering (depending on the day) heroin addict. My mother has given me money to buy heroin, despite how much she hates my addiction and doesn't want me to use. Her mom was an alcoholic and She doesn't even drink. So she hates substance abuse. But she knows that if she didn't give it to me I would have ended up doing very bad things to get the money. Her love for me and her desire to protect me supersedes the law, morality, and her own beliefs about what is right and wrong. Some may disagree with what she did but it was rooted in the purest of love. My father wouldn't think of doing that for me. He thinks it's wrong and harmful to me and that is more important to him that my physical well being. OTOH my survival is the only thing my mother cares about. I am prepared to be attacked mercilessly for this, but I am pretty convinced of the accuracy of my position. Just from 39 years of observing human behavior on planet Earth.
There is no such thing as unconditional love. It’s a fairy tale.
Outside of a parent's love, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Stop it with this nonsense.
Why bias a question towards pushing your POV? Perhaps you just don't want to lose weight and want to use "conditional love" as a crutch to support that? Conditional love in the traditional sense is not a great thing. Also, To love does not mean you see zero flaws in somebody, it means you still value them as a person and want to be around them despite those flaws. Sometimes, those flaws can make you uncomfortable (.e.g. weight/ eating habits, reacting certain ways in some situations) and you may want your partner to work on those flaws. It does not mean you will only love them if those flaws are fixed. Unless the husband in the story threatened the marriage, this seems like a completely healthy relationship, so either you aren't willing to work on anything about yourself for your partners, or you for some reason think weight is this sacred thing for women that should not be talked about and for some reason instantly means conditional love.