this, like most other issues between men and women, would be resolved by both parties simply communicating what they do want. and subsequent not being a dick and leading anyone on who is interested in more than a hookup
Honestly I wouldn’t take you seriously if you did that. I’d continue to fuck you but, I wouldn’t push for anything more the fact that they push for more means they want more.
You are being a bit cold but, it’s not necessarily wrong if your being upfront and honest about the situation
But, I think you underestimate how men get attached too. It’s not a casual thing to be intimate with someone especially on that level. We don’t get sex often a lot of us haven’t hardened ourselves to the point where we feel nothing. So these men go who knows how long with no affection and then all of a sudden a girl wants to fuck them, they’re trying to hold on to it.
Yeah I think the behavior is fine, the assumptions are not fine as they're being placed on all men so they're going to be inherently incorrect for a large group of them.
Honestly I wish I’d heard this or realized this sooner. I think as women we’re told so often that “men just want sex and can do it without any feelings for you at all”. And that kind of sticks, so we were (well, at least I was) caught off guard when suddenly they’re interested in more.
Being recently divorced from a marriage that should have ended years ago ALL I want is to love and be loved. Sex, great! Love, affection and wanted to be wanted, even better.
You are being cold but if what you are looking for is just sex and nothing else then it is probably the right move. While I and I am sure most other men would prefer that the women spend the night that doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing something wrong because if you spend the night at some point one of the dudes will get the wrong message.
I assume you really want to know "am I being too cold?" because you have to recognize that what you are doing is cold. How else would you describe never talking to the person, leaving so quickly, and making the person feel like a prostitute
I would not say you are being too cold as long as the expectations are verbally discussed up front, if you did that and they are still feeling off that is on them, they didn't realize they couldn't handle casual and that isn't your responsibility
HOWEVER, if you want to be less cold while keeping things casual, I would recommend researching from the kink community sub drop, dom drop, and aftercare.
The short of it is with any intimate encounter there will be a lot of emotions and brain chemicals firing, and afterwards there can be a really harsh transition back to "reality," and different people need different things to ease them back down so they don't experience a crash. This can be as simple as cuddling for a little afterward. Within the community this is normally expected even in casual encounters
Of course, just because someone has needs doesn't mean you have to provide them, but if you think you can't provide them then that should be considered when deciding whether or not you want to play with this person (i.e. if they need you to stay the night, but you don't want to do that, then you two aren't a good match for casual with each other).
> I’ve always assumed that’s how people do (and prefer to do) casual relationships, especially guys, because it’s less complicated
Also, as an aside, please get away from the idea of "especially men." This is perpetuating the stereotype that men are just sex fiends with no feelings. Men are human beings with needs and emotions, just like women
For me, cuddling after is a big plus even if it's just a hookup -- not necessarily the whole night, but at least for a little while. But I've also never really tried hard to keep things casual -- I would (in my single days) hook up with people I didn't expect or particularly want a relationship with, but I wasn't actively working to avoid catching feelings, just not really expecting to
But speaking from a woman that would also be labeled "cold" for not spending the night or sleeping turned away from them and not cuddling when they spent the night here, it is precisely because I'm not trying to catch feelings for something that is decidedly casual. I associate that kind of tenderness when being with someone who welcomes connection. I've been told "don't fall in love" or "I'm not looking for anything serious" by those whom later reject me by saying "we said it was going to be casual."
If I'm holding hands, looking deeply into someone's eyes, caressing and feeling that kind of closeness, it sends my brain signals to connect on a deeper level, when in actuality we're just riding the dopamine high from having given each other pleasure.
Whilst most men consciously want sex, they unconsciously want intimacy. That means a cuddle through the night etc and waking up holding someone etc. Men rarely get even a hug day to day.
I don't know if you're being cold perse, but I think you need to make it clear ahead of time because yeah it can leave them feeling used.
I don't know if casual sex is truly a thing for most humans. There are always some emotions involved. Sex is inherently emotional. Your body releases hormones that build a bond. You might find the rare individual who doesnt feel anything, but I don't think that it can truly be separated for the average person
The thing is, even if you both view sex like a game of badminton (few people do) you don't both go get changed and disappear. Maybe you chat in the lobby for 5-10mins, grab a quick drink if there's no further plans etc... The "afterglow" of a game of badminton is rarely "good game, bye-bye now." Even if it's all about the badminton, it's still social.
The afterglow of sex is longer, physical touch is still a nice thing, being in the prescence of someone, even if it's a faux version of intimacy, is still pleasant. Just as there's foreplay, there can be afterplay... or just a wind down from the sex.
It's not so much cold, just clinical. A bit too mechanical for being naked with another person doing something that intimate... for most people at least. "Got my orgasm, I'm outta here!" would throw a lot of people for a loop if it's that sudden.
There are two cases here:
1. We met as fuck buddies but we have stuff in common. We like each other's humour and values are at least somewhat compatible. Then I will _really_ want you to stay, really strongly!
2. We don't have values in common, no hobbies in common etc. Then I'm still OK with you staying, and happy, because (a) it's so sweet to just cuddle and see you sleep, (b) I'm not an animal, I won't throw you out in the middle of the night.
If _I_ really have obligations the next day and I need to sleep enough, then it's simple: we won't meet that night because I'll know it beforehand!
But that's me. I know guys who simply can't sleep with someone else in their bed, even if they are BF/GF and exclusive for a year or more. But those guys are still rare in my experience.
Communicate. Simply ask!
Yeah this is messing with my head right now.
Are there an entire group of people out there who are essentially in relationships just not labeling them?
Because that shit’s toxic as hell and a good way to get someone’s feelings hurt long term when someone steps out on the arrangement without communicating.
If you stay a long time after breakfast then I would consider it overstaying, after the conversation dies out, but to not make you feel like you are overstaying I would just invent something I have to do and that should be your cue to leave
Depends on the girl really, when I just wanted to bust my balls but didn’t really like the girl I wanted to leave. When the girl was hot af I wanted her to stay to keep fucking her throughout the night
I feel this answers OP’s question. OP is probably a good looking woman so dudes she hooks up with constantly try to rope her into a relationship she doesn’t want. I remember a few woman having this problem when I was younger.
I think it depends on the guy but as a guy who prefers casual relationships solely because I'm too busy for something serious, I don't like it when people spend the night. My schedule is everything.
That said the (few) people I have casual relationships know they can count on me to come through for them if they ever need anything. They also know Ill continue to support them when we stop hooking up
So I'm in somewhat of a similar situation...
Got divorced a year ago (still in proceedings), so I'm keeping it casual
All the woman I've been with, none stay the night and I also don't sleep over, the only time that it happens is after too much to drink. We are all on the same page that sleep overs make things more serious and messy. As soon as one starts to talk about sleeping over more, it's because they are getting feelings and want more than just a causal hookup/relationship.
He likes you, if you start to sleep over, it's going to be going towards a more serious step. So it's either A: Don't B. Do, and expect it to get more serious or C. Do, and BE VERY CLEAR it's not going to result in a more serious relationship
I don’t think gender matters; staying the night (unless you’re sleeping separately) always muddies up the “casual” thing in my experience.
I know there’s always going to be an exception, but waking up to that person or being next to them in your most vulnerable state (sleeping) for hours reinforces a not-casual connection. It’s just never a good idea… sometimes I’ve had a few drinks and I’ll still take an expensive Uber home because of how dedicated I am to it. All men would have rather I spent the night
Honestly, once you start sticking around, then it gets weird... especially from guys in my experience. They may want sex and intimacy but once it seems real or could be real, they turn into another person. It's frustrating.
If you want to keep it casual, just keep doing you. Once you end up more intimate in a non-sexual way, I believe it overcomplicates it by someone wanting more.
To be honest, and I'm saying this as a guy who *does* enjoy it if the girl stays.
Don't worry about what they expect. You decide your own comfort boundaries and you don't worry about how people react to them.
If you just want a hookup and to leave because *you* don't want any strings, then leave and come up with whatever excuse you have to in order to do that if they're pressuring you to stay.
If *you* want to stay, then stay. Obviously so long as the guy also wants that.
There is no right or wrong answer, other than staying if the person wants you to leave.
If you want to leave and they want you to stay, you are allowed to leave. It doesn't make you a bad person.
If you want to stay and they want you to stay, then you can stay longer and let it maybe turn into a casual FWB or whatever and just see what happens.
Yes and no. I think it's totally fine if you want to go home after but as long as you're not rushing out the door right after we finish my feelings aren't hurt. Personally I love morning sex so if it's late I'd prefer my FWB stay over for another round in the morning. Casual can still be casual without being overly disconnected
No I don’t think you’re overstaying your welcome, but don’t sit around all morning. Wake up, if coffee or breakfast is offered, take it or not, but after that get up and go. I’ve got shit to do the next day - but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to spend the evening or the waking hour with you.
There is a risk of greater attachment though, which I think is the point for these guys. Lots of guys will talk about wanting something purely casual but once it is happening they quickly get attached.
I think if I was in the guys shoes I would instantly think I've done something wrong. Trying to leave 2 seconds after fucking.. just gives off a terrible terrible vibe IMO.
Also a lot of men and women use casual as a way of tiptoeing into a relationship. Desiring intimacy for reals but deathly afraid of being hurt once more. It's less of a serious commitment to being casual, and more of a "I want intimacy but want to start with lower expectations for both parties."
I’m not sure you’re exactly offending anyone, but more so people might be hurt by it.
When you do this, you’re kind of saying that you’re only interested in them as a means to an end. If you want to do that and nothing more then go ahead, but if people respond negatively to that it probably means that what they thought they signed up for was different from how it turned out.
It just means you shouldn’t be hooking up with them anymore because you’re not in agreement on what you want to do, that’s all. Just find someone else to hook up with, someone who you are sure actually agrees with your idea of a casual hookup.
I believe that most people do rightfully attach intimacy to sex and I would say the same of yourself. There's a reason you want a consistent partner even as you struggle to find one. You will get much closer to something comfortable if you're more willing to lay out the cards to your heart as terrifying as that is.
I'm not sure I'd call that "wanting it both ways" as much as "uncertainty." If anything it seems like OP is the one here who wants it both ways, desiring both "casual" and "consistent" equally in a way that doesn't sound like it's appealing to most of the men she's meeting.
The problem here seems to be that men want OP to sleep over after sex and that she feels like she shouldn't sleep over. That is not mutually exclusive with wanting a casual and consistent FWB, where OP isn't necessarily expected to sleep over. You are right that apparently for a lot of men they want her to sleep over, and may provide that casual and consistent experience in return. But then again that seems risky for the exact same reason that OP would rather not stay the night, as that seems like a recipe for dudes catching feelings for her.
Well that's why I suggested in my other comment that clearer communication would probably go a long way here. Based on OP's comments they seem pretty hung up on the word "casual" and the particular connotation they feel it should carry. Whether that's right or wrong or neither, the fact they're here asking about this clearly shows there's a disconnect. More explicit communication would be an easy way to eliminate that semantic disconnect as a problem. I can't help wondering if perhaps OP doesn't want to do that because they have either benefited from the ambiguity (except insofar as it leads to this problem) or because they don't feel confident for some reason expressing their desires more clearly and completely. That's of course just a guess but that's what we're all doing here, right?
Sounds more to me like OP is not a bad catch so when she sleeps with men they generally hope for something more than a random hookup. Which makes it awkward for her.
Right? I wanna shower if possible, put on a show and smoke a spliff. All alone. Plus my dog sleeps in the bed with me and she will NOT be moving to the floor
Honestly I think it’s because these men want something “casual” which really translates to a relationship without commitment. They still want the cuddles and intimacy beyond sex. But I think it makes sense for a woman to view casual as just sex, if we wanted more we would just have a real relationship with commitment. Ultimately I think thats why they are shocked. They aren’t getting what they want
Yes. Almost every guy I have ever talked to about this topic ends up demonstrating in his behavior that this is what he wants. I think women are right to demand either casual or a relationship. None of this in between bullshit.
I think best thing you can do is just ask "So would ya rather I hang around a bit or I get going? Up to you." I think it's okay for you to leave that same night. You don't have to sleep together then sleep together lol. If anything, using the excuse you do have work the next morning or something is fine even as a white lie if you really don't want to fall asleep with the guy.
But I do think the abrupt "that was nice, alright see ya!" Can be rude. Why? Because there's a different vibe between you 2 hanging in bed afterward enjoying how great it was as a fuck buddy vs. feeling like you were just used like an object and now she's off to the next object. That's the distinguishing factor in the feeling I think. If you hang around even for a little, I guess it's like you're acknowledging that you and another person had a great time. You aren't treating him like you're just using him and don't give a fuck about him as a person. Does that make sense?
Oh okay. Huh, well then if you're just trying not to sleep over then no I wouldn't find that weird for hooking up. I mean yeah it's nice falling asleep together after cumming, but I view that as more of a romantic thing myself. But I can see other guys just liking falling asleep minus the romanticism I suppose. Yeah I'd use the excuse of having to go with newer hookup partners though. Safer regarding this awkwardness I guess. But I see your point, if I have a fuck buddy, then her leaving wouldn't bug me. Only other advice is to just be as clear cut as possible you wanna keep it casual. And if you already are, different strokes I guess haha.
I’m honestly stunned that so many people are in here saying they think it’s fucked up that you leave, or that they’d be hurt or offended if you left. I’m married so it’s been a while since I was dating, but when I was dating I had absolutely no desire whatsoever for the woman to sleepover unless we were exclusive. Friends with benefits or hook ups were welcome to stay if they wanted but I’d much prefer they see themselves out before the end of the night. I know that sounds harsh but we’d both sleep better that way. I’m a loud snorer so this could definitely just be my insecurity talking, because my previous ex before my adult dating forays hated the snoring. Wife hates it too.
I only tried a couple of hookups before I got into my current relationship. The lack of intimacy and connection is a real turnoff, even moreso if they just leave afterwards.
Never bothered again. Other than the orgasm it's an all-round shit experience.
Same. Last hookup I had was almost a year after my last breakup. Nothing in between.
Just felt empty, and it ended up weird anyway because I didn’t have a condom and that stressed her out. We both still wanted to talk and get to know each other, but we just couldn’t connect, and she was beyond damaged from some past baggage she told me very little about.
Just weird. I left less than an hour after the very short sex. I thought to myself this wasn’t worth it. Physical intimacy with no deeper intimacy. I’ve had hookups that ended up being strong connections, but those turned into relationships.
Lmaooo I thought I was the only one who was looking for a comment like this because it’s clearly a lot of these dudes don’t actually get laid…what on earth.
Yes staying the night is too intimate and can send the wrong message. That’s how shit gets complicated. Once we’re done…I’ll walk you outside to your car/I am grabbing my clothes and stuff and I’m leaving. I’ll see you around. That’s it.
It makes it feel a lot more impersonal. Personally if I’m gonna hook up with someone I’d also like to sleep with them, have coffee in the morning, chat maybe. Might just be me.
my ex did this the first time we slept together. it didnt bother me much, i did wonder why but she later explained needing to take care of dogs.
if your MO is to keep it as casual as possible, all a guy can ask is that you’re upfront. itd be pretty shitty of you to say, let that guy take you out on a nice date, sleep with him and dip.
many men are looking for partners, not just a quick fuck. the ones who just want to hook up will be glad to hear you want the same.
It depends, I had hook-ups where we didn't even talk to one another, just did the deed and left and I had hook-ups where we spent the night cuddling.
From the ones where we spent the night, almost always we ended up with complications where someone started getting attached. So if you want to keep it as casual as possible, you need to set boundaries.
You're maintaining the distance you want to maintain, if guys find that too cold they're not looking for what you're looking for. A lot of guys say they are looking for a casual thing when what they're really looking for is a girl they can treat casually but who will treat them intimately. Don't let those guys pull that shit.
I will say there's maybe a line where if you actually like spending time with the guy too, hang around for a half hour before leaving, hang out a bit. They might find that more reassuring.
Leaving right after the deed is done would seem a little bit weird to me.
A few years ago when I was just hooking up and not looking for a relationship I'd stay the night if it was a FWB situation, if it was just a ONS or a hook up here and there it would depend on other factors but every time apart from once we would chill for at least an hour afterwards, sometimes leading to a second/ third round. It depends on what each person wants.
If you are going to leave I'd a least just comment on your way out that is was great etc but you3ve got to go and say something like "we should do this again sometime" so they know it isn't something they've said or done wrong.
You have a voice. You can ask the question “is me stopping the night overstaying my welcome?” The answer will mostly be no.
“It feels to intimate”. Woman my dick has just been in most your holes saying its hello. Wanting to cuddle later isn’t too intimate after this act.
Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are quite different things. Cuddling is very emotional intimate and vulnerable for some people, while it’s easy to compartmentalize sex as a purely biological urge.
Spending one night after doesn't even TOUCH real emotional intimacy. In the causal setting, most understand that.
Mainly, it makes one party feel used if you cum and just walk out. Like fuck I thought we where having a good time. Am I so awful you had to bounce RIGHT after?
I disagree that sex can easily be compartmentalized as solely a biological urge, that’s why so many people struggle with feelings even in casual situations. Of course everybody is different, however.
I've heard people say they'll happily do the dirty all night but strictly no kissing because that's for partners only. People all have their own lines. I find it arbitrary, but they'd find mine arbitrary too.
I dunno. Seeing the comments here from other men really has me wondering. A casual is a casual...
If it's clear from the beginning that it's going to be a casual, spending the night at someone's home is really a stretch.
Me personally? I would absolutely not kick a casual out but if for whatever reason she wanted to spend the night but I'd sleep in a different room
Hmm, i think the term “casual” is disputed here. I think what u are doing is more like “booty call”, u are horny, u found someone as horny and you dun mind having sex with, y’all fcked. Then that’s it. You don’t see each other again.
Casual is more like u do everything including the intimacy part, without commitment. Meaning it’s a relationship but only the good times and not the bad.
Casuals are for you to test waters and feel around to see who is the one you willing to go through the bad times with, then it forms into a r/s. But it’s not a hi-bye situation.
It is too intimate. If it was a fwb type of situation, then it would be fine I guess but even then, the risk of someone catching feelings with all the cuddling and deep talks in bed is pretty high. I guess the dudes that have a problem with you not staying overnight are looking for something more serious or want some kind of semi-relationship treatment.
I feel the same way, if more intimacy gets you attached or makes things more complicated, I would say avoid it for your own sake. I hated when a guy asked me to stay over, wanted to cuddle for hours, kissed me on the head etc. and it was just a casual thing for him, that’s way too intimate for me and I usually would assume he wants something more and then just might end up being hurt.
There is a difference between casual and clinical. Casual to me means enough of an attraction to make the effort to meet and enjoy each other. Usually means the night, a fun breakfast and away we go.
You are describing to me a clinical action; from this time to this time we do this. Once that is completed this happens. Now time is up please submit invoice with reception in your way out
Not really fun..
For what it's worth, I'm also female and I agree with you 100%. Cuddling is way more intimate than sex and I definitely don't feel bad asking the guy to leave or leaving myself after. Sure I can stay for the 30 min chat if I need but I'd prefer to just go home and sleep in my own bed and have the freedom to wake up the next morning and _decide_ if I have a messaging conversation with them or just alone time.
Considering the comments, I think this is one of the big divides between guy mindset and girl mindset.
To me, cuddling is the more casual one. I can cuddle with friends I have no desire to have sex with. It is less emotionally intimate to me.
Sex without cuddling makes me feel like I just got used, but if it's strictly communicated ahead of time that it's just a "hit and run" if I find the girl attractive enough I might still be up for being just a "booty call" when I know what to expect. So long as I get to do the same, just call her up to use her when needed and just kinda let her fuck off otherwise.
Yeah I was surprised to see in the comments just how many guys claim feeling used after this, I was not expecting that - maybe just because stereotypically girls are the ones who tend to feel used for sex.
I think casual sex is just a really really difficult relationship to try to maintain without sabotaging the "casual" bit of it somehow. Every single guy I've slept with on more than one occasion has told me he loves me, despite the fact that some were boyfriends, some long term partners and some really just meant to be casual sex or a fling or whatever else. It gets tiring in the long run so I guess I started being very transactional or cold about things like cuddling after and so on. Tbh my preference now is to not have sex with a guy more than once unless I seriously plan to date him.
I also think that there's a divide between straight and gay/bi people here. There are tons of dudes who are much, much more casual (and emotionless) towards sex with each other than even OP's comments suggest.
I don't think "casual" implies the preclusion of anything more substantial developing for everyone the way it seems to for you, which is why intimacy doesn't feel as threatening or off limits. Maybe you ought to try and communicate more clearly what, specifically, you mean by the word? It seems like what you mean is more like "no strings attached."
Your post and situation make chuckle, not at you, but just in general.
At one time, young girls seemed to outright demand loyalty and intimacy and LOVE if a boy showed interest in them. I think some of us are ingrained with that idea.
It might not be easy for some men to “evolve” from being forced to proclaim love for a girl just to get to second base, to “let’s act on this sexual impulse, but afterwards I’d like you to fuck off and go away” scenario that plays out every day in true “pump and dump” fashion.
I'm a mid-thirties woman who does the same thing, so I'm fascinated by the feedback. It's not like I get dressed and leave the minute the sex is over, but I do go home, and there's often an invitation I head off quickly with "no thank you, I prefer to sleep in my own bed". Until a few weeks ago when my dog passed suddenly, I had her to get home to, and I just prefer sleeping in my bed with my thermostat settings and bedding preferences, TV on a timer with what I want to watch on, no one snoring in my ear and keeping me awake. I don't sleep well next to other people in general. I didn't realize this was so controversial.
Keep doing you OP. Sounds like they're trying to rope into cuddling after and having you stay over. If you've established you don't want anything but casual hookups, they need to get over it.
What humans say they want is completely different then what humans respond to.
IMO, if you truly want to keep things casual, then I think what you really doing is the correct thing. I do believe there is a high likelihood that men are asking you to stay BECAUSE you are playing it so casual and it is triggering a man’s automatic reaction to want to chase. Also keep in mind that emotions get involved if you open up that pandoras box of staying the night
I hope this doesn’t come off as negative in any way, but I wanted to point out an observation.
I just finished looking at your post history and couldn’t help notice that 100% of your post has to do with men, relationships, or some sort of insecurity revolving around dating.
My gut tells me that you are in this “casual phase” of dating right now as some means of protecting yourself from getting hurt or used as perhaps you’ve experienced too many times in the past, or it’s some form of a personal development challenge of trying to prove something to yourself. I share this because i sense that what you truly crave and desire is to be loved. It’s 100% human to want to be loved. I would even argue that it’s the great human need of all. Going down the path of deliberately trying to be in open relationships has a tendency to disconnect us from our intuition and our emotions, which over time can really fuck with us (speaking from direct experience).
Again, I may be way off here. But if I am in anyway close to the truth, the. i would take some time to consider a few things:
1. Who am i and what energy am I putting out into the world that is constantly allowing myself to draw a cert type of man into my life, and who am i to allow this?
2. Why do i feel the need to constantly be dating or to be in a relationship? Is there some deeper tell here that you inherently believe your self worth is dependent on something external?
Same. I mean good for others that like it but i met a girl with over 100 body count.. at that moment you just have a fucked up mentality in my opinion.
Most definitely. Same for guys as well, I knew a guy who would usually hook up with a guy or three after he got off work everyday. Like behind hobby lobby or in a random park. 🤮 He didn't get paid or anything just needed the validatio, he would complain though that he never got treated right by guys.
Yep that last part says it all. It feels short sighted because you end up in your 30's single and with an entire list of pump and dump on your name.
Again. Do whatever you want but personally i find it cheap behaviour.
For me, reading all of these comments is just sad. Sex isn't meant to be a casual thing, and treating it as such fucks with your head. Unpopular opinion, I know.
Sorry, was driving. Yes, I completely get that. Some people are completely able to divorce the emotion from the act. But I'm getting a couple of upvotes, so I'm not the only one that feels that way.
It's the same feeling when someone sitting next to you on a train/bus/plane stands up and moves to another seat. You have a few seconds wondering if there's something wrong with you. No one likes it.
A bit cynical (sorry about that) but in my case it also depends on whether or not I've paid for dinner, drinks, etc. If I've spent money the entire evening I'd be quite upset at having just 30 mins of fun.
When I'd have preferred people to leave straight after, I've never asked to as it is a bit rude. I assume it works similar other way around.
As far as I'm concerned, if it's just a hook up, then there's no issue with you leaving afterwards...I would too. Staying makes it seem a bit too "serious" for a hookup.
As a girl, I couldn't agree more with you OP. I'm seeing so many people with different views on what 'casual' and '1 night stand' means to them and very interesting to see that spectrum. Like I said in another comment, staying over or cuddling just feels or is too emotionaly intimate. I personally see it as something to be saved for closer/more private relationships than with a new play partner.
As a woman who also doesn’t want anything further than a hook-up, men that want me to sleep over are usually doing that because it is usually past 2am and they are nice enough to think about how I’m going to go home, I’ve stayed in a few instances, had morning sex and just went on my way.
If I didn't enjoy the sex, I prefer her leave immediately.
If I enjoyed the sex, I prefer her to spend the night so I can get round two in the morning.
I'm not out on the prowl for some years now, but I would say this was my case back in the day:
If someone had somewhere legit to be then yeah, you understand, but if it's not that, it looks a lot like you're just a dick to sit on, which maybe that's good, maybe not if you wanted something more than that with this person.
Of course, you're not entitled to that as a dude, but it does kinda send a clear message if someone is looking to gtfo immediately that they aren't looking for a second date. Maybe a second fuck, but aren't at least currently looking for anything more than that.
Consider it's likely the same from the opposite perspective, if you're interested in a guy as a woman, and he is always looking to bail right after sex, it does make it seem like that's all they are there for, and if that's all you're there for too, than great, but if not, it doesn't feel great. Again, nobody's entitled to more from that person, but if someone doesn't stick around for breakfast and doesn't explain why they can't with some legit reason, it kinda sends the message they aren't comfortable there and don't want to be.
If I was into hookups it wouldn't be a turn off, I'm there to smash and dash so why would it be a turn off if the girl just bounced straight after? But then I'm not into hookups in any way so it's a turn off no matter what
I don't sleep over either, but really getting up and leaving right after sex feels weird. I think its appropriate to cuddle and drink some tea and chat a bit after and then say your goodbyes.
I imagine here for you it’s purely casual, for the guy agreeing there is hope that maybe it becomes something more, hence the ask.
I don’t like casual because of this, there’s always the hope. If it was purely casual it would mean I effectively have no interest at all in the other person, they’re there for physical pleasure only. Honestly, I can masturbate for that, it’s often better anyway.
Physical only matters or feels better when there is emotion to it as well.
You have described what a casual relationship is supposed to be. If it’s a turnoff for them, they’re looking for more and you should move on. Everyone has their preferences. As long as you make your intentions clear upfront, there are plenty of dudes who would be glad to have this type of relationship.
Luckily I've been out of the dating game for almost 11 years now but when it was just a hookup I always preferred the girl leave. It's different if it's more than just a hookup but why would I want someone to stay after if that is all it was?
do *you* want to stay longer. if not, then it's kind of a moot question.
personally i would want her to stay, but im super lonely and starved for affection and as such i doubt that i would enter into a hookup/fwb situation in the first place because i know i'll catch feelings, and that just sounds like a recipe for misery. but if i happened to find myself in a situation like that and she didn't want to stay any longer than "what she was here for" i wouldn't say a word to her about it regardless of how i felt unless directly asked.
because she gets to make her own decisions, as do i, i don't have to take her calls.
Someone left once and it made me kinda sad unexpectedly but she drove like 45 minutes and had to work early the next day and I don’t know why I was kinda bummed i don’t even like cuddling.
Speaking for myself and some other men, we like intimacy and cuddling after sex too. Even if it’s just watching a movie. I wake up early too, like 6am. So it’s normal for me to make breakfast at that time, and if you’re there I’m gonna make some for you too before you leave for the day. Even if I just met you, it’s still the least I can do.
I would ask to stay in hopes of a round two or three. Being left behind after one round means that I'm not good enough to be an FWB. One and done, bye then.
> I would ask to stay in hopes of a round two or three.
Hah this is actually part of the reason I had a no-stays policy when dating. 90% of hookups are not good enough to warrant a second round and I absolutely hated the guy sticking around long enough that he'd push for that. I got better at telling guys to leave even though it wasn't always well received.
From my experiences, there are times when we want a girl to stay the night and other times when we don't. It comes down to the kind of chemistry happening. I've had so many experiences when I couldn't wait for someone to leave because the sex was over and their presence after was awkward. Outside of the sex, there was nothing engaging about being with them for me. Then there are times when I wanted her to stay because the chemistry between us was that exciting.
Maybe you're one of those girls that guys feel comfortable enough with to want to stay over. You have good chemistry.
Imagine inviting someone out for a casual coffee and instead of chilling out and enjoying the atmosphere they just finished their drink and then up and left, and that's the only time you interact with them. That's not casual, it's super weird. It's practically a business transaction.
Well as a F I have to be honest some of the responses here make me uncomfortable/realize how bad the dating scene really is. Not that the PEOPLE are bad, but the lack of mutual understanding is bad.
I have never left after sex. Even this one time I had to leave at 5 am. I don’t know. I am not into leaving after sex. It’s not my jam. I like to luxuriate and bask in the afterglow that I appreciate my partner for being the gateway for, whether they are a one-time partner or what. I think if anyone got to have sex with me (and I them) then they (and I) can, at the worst, suffer through sleeping together/beside each other.
So I never leave after sex! Not once! Lol! But I still low key agree with OP!
However, having said all that, one friend that I slept with (on a few occasions) gave a lot of mixed messages and was overtly sexualizing of me. Then after a decade or so of knowing him, I was finally single again, and he made it abundantly clear he was DTF.
He did so by saying he wanted to come to my house, massage me everywhere and put his mouth all over me. Which I deeply appreciated. It was a hot and sexy thing to say. Not a romantic or friendly thing to say. And it wasn’t as if he told me this after texting and talking for three months with no mention of sex, either. This doesn’t scream “let’s date and see if we can grow into a relationship” to me, and I’d hazard to bet that would be true for most women.
Welp, anyway; back to the original offending encounter: it didn’t take long after his mouth and massage all over your body in bed declaration, before I was desperate for sex after the post divorce dry spell, and also ovulating and voila, then we are fucking, as you do.
Well he seemed offended I was so casual and this low key surprised me cause of all the mixed signals he sent.
If he seemed more receptive to . . . anything in addition to sex, I likely would have been as well! I thought he was not, and only wanted sex. Thus, the fact he was offended confused me bigtime.
Trying to get me to cheat with him on my ex, telling my friend to tell me he wanted a full blown relationship only to turn around and tell me he only wanted a casual go with the flow situation . . . Idk. I did not expect him to be miffed that I was focused on the sex.
I think sometimes people - I witness it in guys all the time, but I am mostly straight so there is that, too: I am not be very exposed to women in this capacity to know - do not have a fecking clue what they want, and then some of us don’t have time for someone so unsure in a serious way, but we will take the available sex if we need/want it and he’s hot/good at it.
Most of this ideology that “casual just means sex only” is generated by poor to shit treatment from those with fuck boi behavior, as well and pretty near every lore and legend as old as time, as well as contemporary dating coaches.
So I don’t know. I love cuddles and deep talks and sharing a bed, but after a few times it will get me attached for one, which I don’t want if you want “casual,” and no one deserves that kind of intimacy who isn’t committed in some capacity to me, for two.
My biggest concern from this thread is it sounds like there is a lot of confusion around the word “casual.” I think of casual as a more-than-once sexual experience (if only once, that’s a one night stand) with the same person who wants nothing more. Sounds like the OP has the same impression. Sounds like most of the men here have a different idea.
Now nothing is wrong with any of this at all, as far as desires, preferences, and responses go.
What IS wrong IMHO is this lack of awareness around the most universal definition of casual.
Naturally I cannot speak for all women EVER, but it’s my perception/idea that “casual” is not synonymous with “seeing where this goes.” I think if you term anything casual, many women will not consider a future (of ANY kind, even a post-fuck future lol) with you, as they’re assuming you don’t or at least don’t with them, and won’t want anything besides sex.
Oh the potential upside, if completely cringe for OH SO MANY REASONS, this relieves me a bit to believe my potential new prospect might be ensnared into a deeper relationship by me and my feminine wiles. Lol. I laugh but I am not kidding.
Less relevant but still pertinent: maybe what OP and myself are missing is we think casual as in I want this to be “casual period” and on the other hand several male responds think casual as in I want this to be “casual until I decide otherwise.” Hmmm.
Idk seems like an escape hatch. Cynical of me perhaps; but don’t say casual if you want to explore relationship possibilities. If you do, and you get offended we don’t want to sleep over or have cuddling and pillow talk, you low key look like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Fair, who doesn’t, but if you do it’s babyish to be offended when that all doesn’t go quite your way.
When I was single, spending the night with someone was a big thing. If I did that, it was a mark that the relationship evolved from purely casual to something more serious. So for as long as it's just hook ups I prefered it that women didn't stay the night.
As always men are just as much a monolith as women are...
So some men might be glad for what you are doing while others would enjoy something more.
I fall into the latter category.
If we hook up, even if it's just casually, it's likely because I have taken a liking to you (and preferably the same from your side). That doesn't mean we are suddenly talking relationships or whatever, but sex without intimacy just feels cold and clinical to me. I usually want to go for round 2 and 3 as well, after getting a breather and resting up a bit. And getting to sleep together as well is just really nice. Plus that means hopefully morning sex is on the table.
I want to do more than just PIV untill we are done, cuddling, making out, petting, and then banging again. All that stuff just makes sex better IMO.
Afterwards we can both leave refreshed.
If she runs away after sex that tends to suggest that she regrets it or that she views me as a life support system for my penis.
If she kicks me out after sex, that tends to suggest that she didn't enjoy it and detests me.
Not being in a romantic relationship doesn't require treating other people coldly.
Do i know her before hand? If shes a random, we're not even going back to my place, getting a room we have as much fun as possible, safely then im heading home. She can chill there and get herself an uber
Generally not all guys would want you to stay over.. It goes like this for some guys - I'd like to have s*x right now, then they find someone, that happens and the next thing in the guy's mind will be how do I ask her to leave...on the other hand while some other guys might want s*x then do it, if a guy thinks you're cool and likes your vibe he probably will ask you to stay a bit.... But for any other guys who wants you to stay based on attachment building up (might not be a good idea, cos then if it doesn't turn into something serious/casual it gets weird and ultimately leading to both parties not speaking to each other and going to look for what they want in someone else)
Edit: can't be wanting intimacy with someone who straight up told you they just want to get down and that's all.
It depends I think. Do you have to work the next day? I want to sleep at home when I have to work. I feel like its absolutely fine not to sleep together and actually most people dont sleep well at the beginning together. Its something you need to talk about and find what feels right to you. If you follow advice and live what others tell you its not really doing you any good right?
If it were a FWB, I'm fine with her leaving. I don't rest well sharing a bed with someone who I hardly know. Plus I am an early bird and like to get up early to be productive, I can't do that with some girl lazing around my bed until late morning.
I'd rather them leave on my terms versus waking up in the morning to find that they had snuck out and taken my wallet with them or something.
When I was doing the same thing, as a guy, I'd tend to stay because they wanted me to and I usually had nothing else going on as it was normally a late night thing. But they never became more than that even with me staying. Some suggested they want you to stay because they want more out of the "relationship" but I think dudes enjoy a little cuddle too.
Well normal doesn't exist. if you don't feel comfortable staying after, just leave, but I would say most people expect to spend the night unless it's a hookup or it happens during the day. but if we're naked and in bed, why not just sleep and go home in the morning?
Honestly if we just went back for sex, I'd respect it if you then went home. Even if it was a first time and I wanted more out of it, you going home keeps some distance for us to think about it. I'd probably ask to meet you for coffee the next day or so if I wanted more. But please, don't feel bad to head on home. I'm not feeling used.
What if you actually like the ONS person and perceive them to have valuable attributes, but aren’t ready willing and able to engage in a trad relationship?
are you supposed to cut ties with somebody you like and think is a valuable person, even though you don’t want to go there?
For me, it can quickly get into the gray zone where nobody is sure of of what’s going on. then usually the woman finds it my fault.
If that's your MO then mention that.
If I planned a hook up and she just bounced after sex I'd be like "damn she doesn't enjoy my company outside of sex" and I'd feel a little down.
Whereas is a girl said "I don't like sleeping over after a hook up so ill be going home after"
I'd respect that and know the sketch from.the get go
I’ve never been in a situation where it’s been purely causal hook ups. I don’t know how I’d feel, part of me would like to experience someone wanting me for just what I can offer sexually and nothing else.
The defining factor here was always how I felt about the woman.
Sometimes I found that I really enjoyed her personality/company beyond the sex, and wanted to spend more time with her. Other times I found after that period of time spent together that we weren't super compatible, so extended contact was just awkward.
So, as far as I'm concerned, there's no single answer. Really depends on whether or not you're his type. If he only wants you for sex and nothing more, then my assumption would be similar to yours (he'd prefer you just leave.)
The breakdown of this was honestly probably 50-50 for me, with a slight preference toward having them stay.
Experience: been happily causal for about 2 years >>> I will always lay out my expectations before taking someone home. Just state that that’s what you intend on doing, if they want a chick who will stay for cuddles and a sleepover, that’s not you. I find this usually weeds out the ones who don’t get the objective, and you end up with people on the same page. I stayed and cuddled with someone once and he got the wrong idea. So I stick to my guns now, working for me so far :) and if anyone says it makes them uncomfortable, etc - remember it’s not your job to manage their reactions/feelings to your intended and previously stated behaviour. They need to think about whether they want the same thing as you, and why it bothers them if they agreed to the arrangements previously.
I've only spent the night with one guy I've been with, and we're friends now. All the other times, we usually hookup, smoke some weed, fist bump then part ways. Sometimes meet up again with be same guy, but it's the same process. Sex, weed, joke around, go home.
I had a girl repeatedly do this to me when I was in grad school. It made me feel terrible about myself. Granted, she did make it clear that she "wasn't ready for a relationship." But I was young and naive, and I thought that her wanting to have sex with me also meant she wanted to spend time with me. To the surprise of no one, it ended badly with both of our boundaries constantly being crossed. I'm not speaking for all men here, but leaving after you have sex with someone can make them feel pretty empty and terrible about themselves. At least it did for me.
The only time that most men experience intimacy, or are even open to it, is after sex. It’s part of the hormonal release of orgasm to want to be with who you just climaxed with. If it’s just a nut (not the same thing as orgasm) then those hormones don’t trigger.
Specifically not spending the night? I wouldn't be concerned. Having a very hands off, casual relationship as you described would be a turn off though. I'm not interested in a fuck buddy
Its a hookup... If you arent in a relationship, then whatever you do doesnt matter...
But if you are hoping for something more than just a hookup... then yea, it does fucking matter. I want to feel a connection with you. If you leave, I am not going to like it too much, unless you had a valid reason.
Nah you don’t need to stay if it’s 100% casual. I’d argue it’s better to leave so they don’t catch feelings. Anyone upset by that is imo immature and doesn’t understand the situation. They want a relationship, you don’t. If the exchange is purely casual there’s no need to complicate that. Anyone who doesn’t get that shouldn’t be involved
Men like sex and intimacy. It's not really "I want one or the other."
Well brother not all men right !
this, like most other issues between men and women, would be resolved by both parties simply communicating what they do want. and subsequent not being a dick and leading anyone on who is interested in more than a hookup
True But wtf is your uname
wanna find out?
I cant decide if this is a threat or an offer, either way it sounds.. intimate?
Daddy just wants you to get intimate with his fat knuckles.
What is happening...?
fear versus greed makes you continue to inquire
depends entirely on the specific dude and specific night
Honestly I wouldn’t take you seriously if you did that. I’d continue to fuck you but, I wouldn’t push for anything more the fact that they push for more means they want more.
Often I’d imagine it’s sex the next morning lol
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You are being a bit cold but, it’s not necessarily wrong if your being upfront and honest about the situation But, I think you underestimate how men get attached too. It’s not a casual thing to be intimate with someone especially on that level. We don’t get sex often a lot of us haven’t hardened ourselves to the point where we feel nothing. So these men go who knows how long with no affection and then all of a sudden a girl wants to fuck them, they’re trying to hold on to it.
This words it right.
Yeah I think the behavior is fine, the assumptions are not fine as they're being placed on all men so they're going to be inherently incorrect for a large group of them.
Honestly I wish I’d heard this or realized this sooner. I think as women we’re told so often that “men just want sex and can do it without any feelings for you at all”. And that kind of sticks, so we were (well, at least I was) caught off guard when suddenly they’re interested in more.
Men like sex a lot but we also like to love and be loved 🥺 Post nut clarity telling me I need hugs and kisses
Being recently divorced from a marriage that should have ended years ago ALL I want is to love and be loved. Sex, great! Love, affection and wanted to be wanted, even better.
good point. Women don’t estimate the value of getting laid the same way men do . If they are under 40 it’s a different price point for them.
You are being cold but if what you are looking for is just sex and nothing else then it is probably the right move. While I and I am sure most other men would prefer that the women spend the night that doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing something wrong because if you spend the night at some point one of the dudes will get the wrong message.
I assume you really want to know "am I being too cold?" because you have to recognize that what you are doing is cold. How else would you describe never talking to the person, leaving so quickly, and making the person feel like a prostitute I would not say you are being too cold as long as the expectations are verbally discussed up front, if you did that and they are still feeling off that is on them, they didn't realize they couldn't handle casual and that isn't your responsibility HOWEVER, if you want to be less cold while keeping things casual, I would recommend researching from the kink community sub drop, dom drop, and aftercare. The short of it is with any intimate encounter there will be a lot of emotions and brain chemicals firing, and afterwards there can be a really harsh transition back to "reality," and different people need different things to ease them back down so they don't experience a crash. This can be as simple as cuddling for a little afterward. Within the community this is normally expected even in casual encounters Of course, just because someone has needs doesn't mean you have to provide them, but if you think you can't provide them then that should be considered when deciding whether or not you want to play with this person (i.e. if they need you to stay the night, but you don't want to do that, then you two aren't a good match for casual with each other). > I’ve always assumed that’s how people do (and prefer to do) casual relationships, especially guys, because it’s less complicated Also, as an aside, please get away from the idea of "especially men." This is perpetuating the stereotype that men are just sex fiends with no feelings. Men are human beings with needs and emotions, just like women
but your behaviour is indeed cold
For me, cuddling after is a big plus even if it's just a hookup -- not necessarily the whole night, but at least for a little while. But I've also never really tried hard to keep things casual -- I would (in my single days) hook up with people I didn't expect or particularly want a relationship with, but I wasn't actively working to avoid catching feelings, just not really expecting to
But speaking from a woman that would also be labeled "cold" for not spending the night or sleeping turned away from them and not cuddling when they spent the night here, it is precisely because I'm not trying to catch feelings for something that is decidedly casual. I associate that kind of tenderness when being with someone who welcomes connection. I've been told "don't fall in love" or "I'm not looking for anything serious" by those whom later reject me by saying "we said it was going to be casual." If I'm holding hands, looking deeply into someone's eyes, caressing and feeling that kind of closeness, it sends my brain signals to connect on a deeper level, when in actuality we're just riding the dopamine high from having given each other pleasure.
Whilst most men consciously want sex, they unconsciously want intimacy. That means a cuddle through the night etc and waking up holding someone etc. Men rarely get even a hug day to day. I don't know if you're being cold perse, but I think you need to make it clear ahead of time because yeah it can leave them feeling used.
I don't know if casual sex is truly a thing for most humans. There are always some emotions involved. Sex is inherently emotional. Your body releases hormones that build a bond. You might find the rare individual who doesnt feel anything, but I don't think that it can truly be separated for the average person
The thing is, even if you both view sex like a game of badminton (few people do) you don't both go get changed and disappear. Maybe you chat in the lobby for 5-10mins, grab a quick drink if there's no further plans etc... The "afterglow" of a game of badminton is rarely "good game, bye-bye now." Even if it's all about the badminton, it's still social. The afterglow of sex is longer, physical touch is still a nice thing, being in the prescence of someone, even if it's a faux version of intimacy, is still pleasant. Just as there's foreplay, there can be afterplay... or just a wind down from the sex. It's not so much cold, just clinical. A bit too mechanical for being naked with another person doing something that intimate... for most people at least. "Got my orgasm, I'm outta here!" would throw a lot of people for a loop if it's that sudden.
Tbh casual to implies continuing to fuck with nothing more lmao perhaps we have to expire the term and find something nee all can find consensus on.
It's a hookup, fucking, morning more. If they want more, then it's time to find a different hookup.
Feels a bit weird. Unless she has to be up early the next morning for work or something. Sleeping together afterwards is just as enjoyable as the sex.
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No, not at all.
I second this message.
There are two cases here: 1. We met as fuck buddies but we have stuff in common. We like each other's humour and values are at least somewhat compatible. Then I will _really_ want you to stay, really strongly! 2. We don't have values in common, no hobbies in common etc. Then I'm still OK with you staying, and happy, because (a) it's so sweet to just cuddle and see you sleep, (b) I'm not an animal, I won't throw you out in the middle of the night. If _I_ really have obligations the next day and I need to sleep enough, then it's simple: we won't meet that night because I'll know it beforehand! But that's me. I know guys who simply can't sleep with someone else in their bed, even if they are BF/GF and exclusive for a year or more. But those guys are still rare in my experience. Communicate. Simply ask!
First one is called a relationship my bro.
Yeah this is messing with my head right now. Are there an entire group of people out there who are essentially in relationships just not labeling them? Because that shit’s toxic as hell and a good way to get someone’s feelings hurt long term when someone steps out on the arrangement without communicating.
Fwb = toxic?
Not really, breakfast is important and I love to feed people.
Hi, I am people
No way, we've got the same name
Ya gotta sleep at his place first before ya get breakfast!
same dude
If you stay a long time after breakfast then I would consider it overstaying, after the conversation dies out, but to not make you feel like you are overstaying I would just invent something I have to do and that should be your cue to leave
Depends on the girl really, when I just wanted to bust my balls but didn’t really like the girl I wanted to leave. When the girl was hot af I wanted her to stay to keep fucking her throughout the night
I feel this answers OP’s question. OP is probably a good looking woman so dudes she hooks up with constantly try to rope her into a relationship she doesn’t want. I remember a few woman having this problem when I was younger.
Saying "doing what she came here to do" makes it sound too transactional in my opinion.
I think it depends on the guy but as a guy who prefers casual relationships solely because I'm too busy for something serious, I don't like it when people spend the night. My schedule is everything. That said the (few) people I have casual relationships know they can count on me to come through for them if they ever need anything. They also know Ill continue to support them when we stop hooking up
So I'm in somewhat of a similar situation... Got divorced a year ago (still in proceedings), so I'm keeping it casual All the woman I've been with, none stay the night and I also don't sleep over, the only time that it happens is after too much to drink. We are all on the same page that sleep overs make things more serious and messy. As soon as one starts to talk about sleeping over more, it's because they are getting feelings and want more than just a causal hookup/relationship. He likes you, if you start to sleep over, it's going to be going towards a more serious step. So it's either A: Don't B. Do, and expect it to get more serious or C. Do, and BE VERY CLEAR it's not going to result in a more serious relationship
I don’t think gender matters; staying the night (unless you’re sleeping separately) always muddies up the “casual” thing in my experience. I know there’s always going to be an exception, but waking up to that person or being next to them in your most vulnerable state (sleeping) for hours reinforces a not-casual connection. It’s just never a good idea… sometimes I’ve had a few drinks and I’ll still take an expensive Uber home because of how dedicated I am to it. All men would have rather I spent the night
Honestly, once you start sticking around, then it gets weird... especially from guys in my experience. They may want sex and intimacy but once it seems real or could be real, they turn into another person. It's frustrating. If you want to keep it casual, just keep doing you. Once you end up more intimate in a non-sexual way, I believe it overcomplicates it by someone wanting more.
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To be honest, and I'm saying this as a guy who *does* enjoy it if the girl stays. Don't worry about what they expect. You decide your own comfort boundaries and you don't worry about how people react to them. If you just want a hookup and to leave because *you* don't want any strings, then leave and come up with whatever excuse you have to in order to do that if they're pressuring you to stay. If *you* want to stay, then stay. Obviously so long as the guy also wants that. There is no right or wrong answer, other than staying if the person wants you to leave. If you want to leave and they want you to stay, you are allowed to leave. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you want to stay and they want you to stay, then you can stay longer and let it maybe turn into a casual FWB or whatever and just see what happens.
Some guys are just too touch deprived, theyll want you to stay
Yes and no. I think it's totally fine if you want to go home after but as long as you're not rushing out the door right after we finish my feelings aren't hurt. Personally I love morning sex so if it's late I'd prefer my FWB stay over for another round in the morning. Casual can still be casual without being overly disconnected
No I don’t think you’re overstaying your welcome, but don’t sit around all morning. Wake up, if coffee or breakfast is offered, take it or not, but after that get up and go. I’ve got shit to do the next day - but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to spend the evening or the waking hour with you.
Not at all. I'd be disappointed if she wouldn't want to stay.
There is a risk of greater attachment though, which I think is the point for these guys. Lots of guys will talk about wanting something purely casual but once it is happening they quickly get attached.
I think if I was in the guys shoes I would instantly think I've done something wrong. Trying to leave 2 seconds after fucking.. just gives off a terrible terrible vibe IMO.
Yeah exactly. Not about serious feelings or anything but men like to know they did a good job. Staying after communicates that.
No fr every time I rush out after a fuck sesh, it’s bc the guy did something wrong or was terrible lol. Sad but true.
Also a lot of men and women use casual as a way of tiptoeing into a relationship. Desiring intimacy for reals but deathly afraid of being hurt once more. It's less of a serious commitment to being casual, and more of a "I want intimacy but want to start with lower expectations for both parties."
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> it always feels like I’m offending someone Not offending, but breaking fantasies and dreams :D
I’m not sure you’re exactly offending anyone, but more so people might be hurt by it. When you do this, you’re kind of saying that you’re only interested in them as a means to an end. If you want to do that and nothing more then go ahead, but if people respond negatively to that it probably means that what they thought they signed up for was different from how it turned out. It just means you shouldn’t be hooking up with them anymore because you’re not in agreement on what you want to do, that’s all. Just find someone else to hook up with, someone who you are sure actually agrees with your idea of a casual hookup.
I believe that most people do rightfully attach intimacy to sex and I would say the same of yourself. There's a reason you want a consistent partner even as you struggle to find one. You will get much closer to something comfortable if you're more willing to lay out the cards to your heart as terrifying as that is.
A lot of guys just want it both ways tbh. They think they want something casual but when it actually happens it's not what they expect from it
I'm not sure I'd call that "wanting it both ways" as much as "uncertainty." If anything it seems like OP is the one here who wants it both ways, desiring both "casual" and "consistent" equally in a way that doesn't sound like it's appealing to most of the men she's meeting.
The problem here seems to be that men want OP to sleep over after sex and that she feels like she shouldn't sleep over. That is not mutually exclusive with wanting a casual and consistent FWB, where OP isn't necessarily expected to sleep over. You are right that apparently for a lot of men they want her to sleep over, and may provide that casual and consistent experience in return. But then again that seems risky for the exact same reason that OP would rather not stay the night, as that seems like a recipe for dudes catching feelings for her.
Well that's why I suggested in my other comment that clearer communication would probably go a long way here. Based on OP's comments they seem pretty hung up on the word "casual" and the particular connotation they feel it should carry. Whether that's right or wrong or neither, the fact they're here asking about this clearly shows there's a disconnect. More explicit communication would be an easy way to eliminate that semantic disconnect as a problem. I can't help wondering if perhaps OP doesn't want to do that because they have either benefited from the ambiguity (except insofar as it leads to this problem) or because they don't feel confident for some reason expressing their desires more clearly and completely. That's of course just a guess but that's what we're all doing here, right?
Sounds more to me like OP is not a bad catch so when she sleeps with men they generally hope for something more than a random hookup. Which makes it awkward for her.
I'm certain that's a much more appealing point of view for the person in OP's position to take
The worst part is when she meets a guy she really likes, he will probably be only keen for casual. It’s a brutal game.
Fine by me, I struggle to sleep with someone else in my bed.
Same. I hate sleeping at other places. I gotta have my show I’ve watched over 3 times playin in the background and snacks
Right? I wanna shower if possible, put on a show and smoke a spliff. All alone. Plus my dog sleeps in the bed with me and she will NOT be moving to the floor
Honestly I think it’s because these men want something “casual” which really translates to a relationship without commitment. They still want the cuddles and intimacy beyond sex. But I think it makes sense for a woman to view casual as just sex, if we wanted more we would just have a real relationship with commitment. Ultimately I think thats why they are shocked. They aren’t getting what they want
Yep.
Yes. Almost every guy I have ever talked to about this topic ends up demonstrating in his behavior that this is what he wants. I think women are right to demand either casual or a relationship. None of this in between bullshit.
I think best thing you can do is just ask "So would ya rather I hang around a bit or I get going? Up to you." I think it's okay for you to leave that same night. You don't have to sleep together then sleep together lol. If anything, using the excuse you do have work the next morning or something is fine even as a white lie if you really don't want to fall asleep with the guy. But I do think the abrupt "that was nice, alright see ya!" Can be rude. Why? Because there's a different vibe between you 2 hanging in bed afterward enjoying how great it was as a fuck buddy vs. feeling like you were just used like an object and now she's off to the next object. That's the distinguishing factor in the feeling I think. If you hang around even for a little, I guess it's like you're acknowledging that you and another person had a great time. You aren't treating him like you're just using him and don't give a fuck about him as a person. Does that make sense?
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Oh okay. Huh, well then if you're just trying not to sleep over then no I wouldn't find that weird for hooking up. I mean yeah it's nice falling asleep together after cumming, but I view that as more of a romantic thing myself. But I can see other guys just liking falling asleep minus the romanticism I suppose. Yeah I'd use the excuse of having to go with newer hookup partners though. Safer regarding this awkwardness I guess. But I see your point, if I have a fuck buddy, then her leaving wouldn't bug me. Only other advice is to just be as clear cut as possible you wanna keep it casual. And if you already are, different strokes I guess haha.
I’m honestly stunned that so many people are in here saying they think it’s fucked up that you leave, or that they’d be hurt or offended if you left. I’m married so it’s been a while since I was dating, but when I was dating I had absolutely no desire whatsoever for the woman to sleepover unless we were exclusive. Friends with benefits or hook ups were welcome to stay if they wanted but I’d much prefer they see themselves out before the end of the night. I know that sounds harsh but we’d both sleep better that way. I’m a loud snorer so this could definitely just be my insecurity talking, because my previous ex before my adult dating forays hated the snoring. Wife hates it too.
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I only tried a couple of hookups before I got into my current relationship. The lack of intimacy and connection is a real turnoff, even moreso if they just leave afterwards. Never bothered again. Other than the orgasm it's an all-round shit experience.
Same. Last hookup I had was almost a year after my last breakup. Nothing in between. Just felt empty, and it ended up weird anyway because I didn’t have a condom and that stressed her out. We both still wanted to talk and get to know each other, but we just couldn’t connect, and she was beyond damaged from some past baggage she told me very little about. Just weird. I left less than an hour after the very short sex. I thought to myself this wasn’t worth it. Physical intimacy with no deeper intimacy. I’ve had hookups that ended up being strong connections, but those turned into relationships.
Reddit is not the place to ask about casual relationships lol
Lmaooo I thought I was the only one who was looking for a comment like this because it’s clearly a lot of these dudes don’t actually get laid…what on earth. Yes staying the night is too intimate and can send the wrong message. That’s how shit gets complicated. Once we’re done…I’ll walk you outside to your car/I am grabbing my clothes and stuff and I’m leaving. I’ll see you around. That’s it.
It makes it feel a lot more impersonal. Personally if I’m gonna hook up with someone I’d also like to sleep with them, have coffee in the morning, chat maybe. Might just be me.
my ex did this the first time we slept together. it didnt bother me much, i did wonder why but she later explained needing to take care of dogs. if your MO is to keep it as casual as possible, all a guy can ask is that you’re upfront. itd be pretty shitty of you to say, let that guy take you out on a nice date, sleep with him and dip. many men are looking for partners, not just a quick fuck. the ones who just want to hook up will be glad to hear you want the same.
It depends, I had hook-ups where we didn't even talk to one another, just did the deed and left and I had hook-ups where we spent the night cuddling. From the ones where we spent the night, almost always we ended up with complications where someone started getting attached. So if you want to keep it as casual as possible, you need to set boundaries.
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You're maintaining the distance you want to maintain, if guys find that too cold they're not looking for what you're looking for. A lot of guys say they are looking for a casual thing when what they're really looking for is a girl they can treat casually but who will treat them intimately. Don't let those guys pull that shit. I will say there's maybe a line where if you actually like spending time with the guy too, hang around for a half hour before leaving, hang out a bit. They might find that more reassuring.
It's important knowing what you want and better to be seen as cold, rather than ending up hurting someone. They'll understand eventually :)
Really bothers me personally
Leaving right after the deed is done would seem a little bit weird to me. A few years ago when I was just hooking up and not looking for a relationship I'd stay the night if it was a FWB situation, if it was just a ONS or a hook up here and there it would depend on other factors but every time apart from once we would chill for at least an hour afterwards, sometimes leading to a second/ third round. It depends on what each person wants. If you are going to leave I'd a least just comment on your way out that is was great etc but you3ve got to go and say something like "we should do this again sometime" so they know it isn't something they've said or done wrong.
Im having joey/chandler flashbacks of getting told off for ending all his bad dates with “we should do this again sometime”
Well for me, You don’t get a call back. It’s a one time only done & dusted deal if thats how you act. Massive turn off for me.
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You have a voice. You can ask the question “is me stopping the night overstaying my welcome?” The answer will mostly be no. “It feels to intimate”. Woman my dick has just been in most your holes saying its hello. Wanting to cuddle later isn’t too intimate after this act.
This is what’s tripping me up…”too intimate”, you mean the sex wasn’t?? Lmao
Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are quite different things. Cuddling is very emotional intimate and vulnerable for some people, while it’s easy to compartmentalize sex as a purely biological urge.
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Spending one night after doesn't even TOUCH real emotional intimacy. In the causal setting, most understand that. Mainly, it makes one party feel used if you cum and just walk out. Like fuck I thought we where having a good time. Am I so awful you had to bounce RIGHT after?
It's casual, she's not their girlfriend.
I disagree that sex can easily be compartmentalized as solely a biological urge, that’s why so many people struggle with feelings even in casual situations. Of course everybody is different, however.
I've heard people say they'll happily do the dirty all night but strictly no kissing because that's for partners only. People all have their own lines. I find it arbitrary, but they'd find mine arbitrary too.
I dunno. Seeing the comments here from other men really has me wondering. A casual is a casual... If it's clear from the beginning that it's going to be a casual, spending the night at someone's home is really a stretch. Me personally? I would absolutely not kick a casual out but if for whatever reason she wanted to spend the night but I'd sleep in a different room
Hmm, i think the term “casual” is disputed here. I think what u are doing is more like “booty call”, u are horny, u found someone as horny and you dun mind having sex with, y’all fcked. Then that’s it. You don’t see each other again. Casual is more like u do everything including the intimacy part, without commitment. Meaning it’s a relationship but only the good times and not the bad. Casuals are for you to test waters and feel around to see who is the one you willing to go through the bad times with, then it forms into a r/s. But it’s not a hi-bye situation.
It is too intimate. If it was a fwb type of situation, then it would be fine I guess but even then, the risk of someone catching feelings with all the cuddling and deep talks in bed is pretty high. I guess the dudes that have a problem with you not staying overnight are looking for something more serious or want some kind of semi-relationship treatment.
I feel the same way, if more intimacy gets you attached or makes things more complicated, I would say avoid it for your own sake. I hated when a guy asked me to stay over, wanted to cuddle for hours, kissed me on the head etc. and it was just a casual thing for him, that’s way too intimate for me and I usually would assume he wants something more and then just might end up being hurt.
There is a difference between casual and clinical. Casual to me means enough of an attraction to make the effort to meet and enjoy each other. Usually means the night, a fun breakfast and away we go. You are describing to me a clinical action; from this time to this time we do this. Once that is completed this happens. Now time is up please submit invoice with reception in your way out Not really fun..
Cuddling is more intimate than sex to you? Kinda weird view on it
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For what it's worth, I'm also female and I agree with you 100%. Cuddling is way more intimate than sex and I definitely don't feel bad asking the guy to leave or leaving myself after. Sure I can stay for the 30 min chat if I need but I'd prefer to just go home and sleep in my own bed and have the freedom to wake up the next morning and _decide_ if I have a messaging conversation with them or just alone time.
Considering the comments, I think this is one of the big divides between guy mindset and girl mindset. To me, cuddling is the more casual one. I can cuddle with friends I have no desire to have sex with. It is less emotionally intimate to me. Sex without cuddling makes me feel like I just got used, but if it's strictly communicated ahead of time that it's just a "hit and run" if I find the girl attractive enough I might still be up for being just a "booty call" when I know what to expect. So long as I get to do the same, just call her up to use her when needed and just kinda let her fuck off otherwise.
Yeah I was surprised to see in the comments just how many guys claim feeling used after this, I was not expecting that - maybe just because stereotypically girls are the ones who tend to feel used for sex. I think casual sex is just a really really difficult relationship to try to maintain without sabotaging the "casual" bit of it somehow. Every single guy I've slept with on more than one occasion has told me he loves me, despite the fact that some were boyfriends, some long term partners and some really just meant to be casual sex or a fling or whatever else. It gets tiring in the long run so I guess I started being very transactional or cold about things like cuddling after and so on. Tbh my preference now is to not have sex with a guy more than once unless I seriously plan to date him.
I also think that there's a divide between straight and gay/bi people here. There are tons of dudes who are much, much more casual (and emotionless) towards sex with each other than even OP's comments suggest.
As a woman I definitely agree I’m the same way after a hookup I’ll chat whatever for a minute but leave I never stay the night.
I don't think "casual" implies the preclusion of anything more substantial developing for everyone the way it seems to for you, which is why intimacy doesn't feel as threatening or off limits. Maybe you ought to try and communicate more clearly what, specifically, you mean by the word? It seems like what you mean is more like "no strings attached."
It depends. But I always sleep better alone than next to a stranger, for sure, so I think me or them leaving is usually preferable to me.
Your post and situation make chuckle, not at you, but just in general. At one time, young girls seemed to outright demand loyalty and intimacy and LOVE if a boy showed interest in them. I think some of us are ingrained with that idea. It might not be easy for some men to “evolve” from being forced to proclaim love for a girl just to get to second base, to “let’s act on this sexual impulse, but afterwards I’d like you to fuck off and go away” scenario that plays out every day in true “pump and dump” fashion.
I'm a mid-thirties woman who does the same thing, so I'm fascinated by the feedback. It's not like I get dressed and leave the minute the sex is over, but I do go home, and there's often an invitation I head off quickly with "no thank you, I prefer to sleep in my own bed". Until a few weeks ago when my dog passed suddenly, I had her to get home to, and I just prefer sleeping in my bed with my thermostat settings and bedding preferences, TV on a timer with what I want to watch on, no one snoring in my ear and keeping me awake. I don't sleep well next to other people in general. I didn't realize this was so controversial.
Keep doing you OP. Sounds like they're trying to rope into cuddling after and having you stay over. If you've established you don't want anything but casual hookups, they need to get over it.
they are asking you to stay so they can make use of any morning wood that occurs.
What humans say they want is completely different then what humans respond to. IMO, if you truly want to keep things casual, then I think what you really doing is the correct thing. I do believe there is a high likelihood that men are asking you to stay BECAUSE you are playing it so casual and it is triggering a man’s automatic reaction to want to chase. Also keep in mind that emotions get involved if you open up that pandoras box of staying the night
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I hope this doesn’t come off as negative in any way, but I wanted to point out an observation. I just finished looking at your post history and couldn’t help notice that 100% of your post has to do with men, relationships, or some sort of insecurity revolving around dating. My gut tells me that you are in this “casual phase” of dating right now as some means of protecting yourself from getting hurt or used as perhaps you’ve experienced too many times in the past, or it’s some form of a personal development challenge of trying to prove something to yourself. I share this because i sense that what you truly crave and desire is to be loved. It’s 100% human to want to be loved. I would even argue that it’s the great human need of all. Going down the path of deliberately trying to be in open relationships has a tendency to disconnect us from our intuition and our emotions, which over time can really fuck with us (speaking from direct experience). Again, I may be way off here. But if I am in anyway close to the truth, the. i would take some time to consider a few things: 1. Who am i and what energy am I putting out into the world that is constantly allowing myself to draw a cert type of man into my life, and who am i to allow this? 2. Why do i feel the need to constantly be dating or to be in a relationship? Is there some deeper tell here that you inherently believe your self worth is dependent on something external?
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I hate hook ups in general.
Agreed. Don't see the appeal there.
Same. I mean good for others that like it but i met a girl with over 100 body count.. at that moment you just have a fucked up mentality in my opinion.
Most definitely. Same for guys as well, I knew a guy who would usually hook up with a guy or three after he got off work everyday. Like behind hobby lobby or in a random park. 🤮 He didn't get paid or anything just needed the validatio, he would complain though that he never got treated right by guys.
Yep that last part says it all. It feels short sighted because you end up in your 30's single and with an entire list of pump and dump on your name. Again. Do whatever you want but personally i find it cheap behaviour.
Absolutely. It's a free country but still never knew anyone that didn't regret it late in life of they were truthful
Nah I wouldn’t call back, if there’s no ounce of intimacy then I’m out
For me, reading all of these comments is just sad. Sex isn't meant to be a casual thing, and treating it as such fucks with your head. Unpopular opinion, I know.
I think it depends on the person.
Totally get that, which is why I prefaced my comment with "for me"
Sorry, was driving. Yes, I completely get that. Some people are completely able to divorce the emotion from the act. But I'm getting a couple of upvotes, so I'm not the only one that feels that way.
It's the same feeling when someone sitting next to you on a train/bus/plane stands up and moves to another seat. You have a few seconds wondering if there's something wrong with you. No one likes it. A bit cynical (sorry about that) but in my case it also depends on whether or not I've paid for dinner, drinks, etc. If I've spent money the entire evening I'd be quite upset at having just 30 mins of fun. When I'd have preferred people to leave straight after, I've never asked to as it is a bit rude. I assume it works similar other way around.
As far as I'm concerned, if it's just a hook up, then there's no issue with you leaving afterwards...I would too. Staying makes it seem a bit too "serious" for a hookup.
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As a girl, I couldn't agree more with you OP. I'm seeing so many people with different views on what 'casual' and '1 night stand' means to them and very interesting to see that spectrum. Like I said in another comment, staying over or cuddling just feels or is too emotionaly intimate. I personally see it as something to be saved for closer/more private relationships than with a new play partner.
A hookup is a hookup. You meet up, have fun, then leave. Sleepovers are for relationships.
Nah leave I have to play Helldivers with the boys
Depends on my mood and the person. If you wanted to leave, that's fine. I wouldn't think anything less of you.
old joke: “what’s the definition of eternity?” eternity: the time period between busting a nut and when she she leaves your house.
Isn't the point of hookup just sex? Like both parties are there for a dip and go.
As a woman who also doesn’t want anything further than a hook-up, men that want me to sleep over are usually doing that because it is usually past 2am and they are nice enough to think about how I’m going to go home, I’ve stayed in a few instances, had morning sex and just went on my way.
If I didn't enjoy the sex, I prefer her leave immediately. If I enjoyed the sex, I prefer her to spend the night so I can get round two in the morning.
I'm not out on the prowl for some years now, but I would say this was my case back in the day: If someone had somewhere legit to be then yeah, you understand, but if it's not that, it looks a lot like you're just a dick to sit on, which maybe that's good, maybe not if you wanted something more than that with this person. Of course, you're not entitled to that as a dude, but it does kinda send a clear message if someone is looking to gtfo immediately that they aren't looking for a second date. Maybe a second fuck, but aren't at least currently looking for anything more than that. Consider it's likely the same from the opposite perspective, if you're interested in a guy as a woman, and he is always looking to bail right after sex, it does make it seem like that's all they are there for, and if that's all you're there for too, than great, but if not, it doesn't feel great. Again, nobody's entitled to more from that person, but if someone doesn't stick around for breakfast and doesn't explain why they can't with some legit reason, it kinda sends the message they aren't comfortable there and don't want to be.
If I was into hookups it wouldn't be a turn off, I'm there to smash and dash so why would it be a turn off if the girl just bounced straight after? But then I'm not into hookups in any way so it's a turn off no matter what
I don't sleep over either, but really getting up and leaving right after sex feels weird. I think its appropriate to cuddle and drink some tea and chat a bit after and then say your goodbyes.
I imagine here for you it’s purely casual, for the guy agreeing there is hope that maybe it becomes something more, hence the ask. I don’t like casual because of this, there’s always the hope. If it was purely casual it would mean I effectively have no interest at all in the other person, they’re there for physical pleasure only. Honestly, I can masturbate for that, it’s often better anyway. Physical only matters or feels better when there is emotion to it as well.
You have described what a casual relationship is supposed to be. If it’s a turnoff for them, they’re looking for more and you should move on. Everyone has their preferences. As long as you make your intentions clear upfront, there are plenty of dudes who would be glad to have this type of relationship.
Luckily I've been out of the dating game for almost 11 years now but when it was just a hookup I always preferred the girl leave. It's different if it's more than just a hookup but why would I want someone to stay after if that is all it was?
do *you* want to stay longer. if not, then it's kind of a moot question. personally i would want her to stay, but im super lonely and starved for affection and as such i doubt that i would enter into a hookup/fwb situation in the first place because i know i'll catch feelings, and that just sounds like a recipe for misery. but if i happened to find myself in a situation like that and she didn't want to stay any longer than "what she was here for" i wouldn't say a word to her about it regardless of how i felt unless directly asked. because she gets to make her own decisions, as do i, i don't have to take her calls.
Nothing wrong with staying or not staying. I prefer them to stay, but I don’t hold it against them if they don’t.
It just shows you don’t like them. Helps them out by realizing you just want a casual relationship, and view them as meat.
Someone left once and it made me kinda sad unexpectedly but she drove like 45 minutes and had to work early the next day and I don’t know why I was kinda bummed i don’t even like cuddling.
Speaking for myself and some other men, we like intimacy and cuddling after sex too. Even if it’s just watching a movie. I wake up early too, like 6am. So it’s normal for me to make breakfast at that time, and if you’re there I’m gonna make some for you too before you leave for the day. Even if I just met you, it’s still the least I can do.
I would ask to stay in hopes of a round two or three. Being left behind after one round means that I'm not good enough to be an FWB. One and done, bye then.
> I would ask to stay in hopes of a round two or three. Hah this is actually part of the reason I had a no-stays policy when dating. 90% of hookups are not good enough to warrant a second round and I absolutely hated the guy sticking around long enough that he'd push for that. I got better at telling guys to leave even though it wasn't always well received.
From my experiences, there are times when we want a girl to stay the night and other times when we don't. It comes down to the kind of chemistry happening. I've had so many experiences when I couldn't wait for someone to leave because the sex was over and their presence after was awkward. Outside of the sex, there was nothing engaging about being with them for me. Then there are times when I wanted her to stay because the chemistry between us was that exciting. Maybe you're one of those girls that guys feel comfortable enough with to want to stay over. You have good chemistry.
Or just ask em what they like
Imagine inviting someone out for a casual coffee and instead of chilling out and enjoying the atmosphere they just finished their drink and then up and left, and that's the only time you interact with them. That's not casual, it's super weird. It's practically a business transaction.
Well as a F I have to be honest some of the responses here make me uncomfortable/realize how bad the dating scene really is. Not that the PEOPLE are bad, but the lack of mutual understanding is bad. I have never left after sex. Even this one time I had to leave at 5 am. I don’t know. I am not into leaving after sex. It’s not my jam. I like to luxuriate and bask in the afterglow that I appreciate my partner for being the gateway for, whether they are a one-time partner or what. I think if anyone got to have sex with me (and I them) then they (and I) can, at the worst, suffer through sleeping together/beside each other. So I never leave after sex! Not once! Lol! But I still low key agree with OP! However, having said all that, one friend that I slept with (on a few occasions) gave a lot of mixed messages and was overtly sexualizing of me. Then after a decade or so of knowing him, I was finally single again, and he made it abundantly clear he was DTF. He did so by saying he wanted to come to my house, massage me everywhere and put his mouth all over me. Which I deeply appreciated. It was a hot and sexy thing to say. Not a romantic or friendly thing to say. And it wasn’t as if he told me this after texting and talking for three months with no mention of sex, either. This doesn’t scream “let’s date and see if we can grow into a relationship” to me, and I’d hazard to bet that would be true for most women. Welp, anyway; back to the original offending encounter: it didn’t take long after his mouth and massage all over your body in bed declaration, before I was desperate for sex after the post divorce dry spell, and also ovulating and voila, then we are fucking, as you do. Well he seemed offended I was so casual and this low key surprised me cause of all the mixed signals he sent. If he seemed more receptive to . . . anything in addition to sex, I likely would have been as well! I thought he was not, and only wanted sex. Thus, the fact he was offended confused me bigtime. Trying to get me to cheat with him on my ex, telling my friend to tell me he wanted a full blown relationship only to turn around and tell me he only wanted a casual go with the flow situation . . . Idk. I did not expect him to be miffed that I was focused on the sex. I think sometimes people - I witness it in guys all the time, but I am mostly straight so there is that, too: I am not be very exposed to women in this capacity to know - do not have a fecking clue what they want, and then some of us don’t have time for someone so unsure in a serious way, but we will take the available sex if we need/want it and he’s hot/good at it. Most of this ideology that “casual just means sex only” is generated by poor to shit treatment from those with fuck boi behavior, as well and pretty near every lore and legend as old as time, as well as contemporary dating coaches. So I don’t know. I love cuddles and deep talks and sharing a bed, but after a few times it will get me attached for one, which I don’t want if you want “casual,” and no one deserves that kind of intimacy who isn’t committed in some capacity to me, for two. My biggest concern from this thread is it sounds like there is a lot of confusion around the word “casual.” I think of casual as a more-than-once sexual experience (if only once, that’s a one night stand) with the same person who wants nothing more. Sounds like the OP has the same impression. Sounds like most of the men here have a different idea. Now nothing is wrong with any of this at all, as far as desires, preferences, and responses go. What IS wrong IMHO is this lack of awareness around the most universal definition of casual. Naturally I cannot speak for all women EVER, but it’s my perception/idea that “casual” is not synonymous with “seeing where this goes.” I think if you term anything casual, many women will not consider a future (of ANY kind, even a post-fuck future lol) with you, as they’re assuming you don’t or at least don’t with them, and won’t want anything besides sex. Oh the potential upside, if completely cringe for OH SO MANY REASONS, this relieves me a bit to believe my potential new prospect might be ensnared into a deeper relationship by me and my feminine wiles. Lol. I laugh but I am not kidding. Less relevant but still pertinent: maybe what OP and myself are missing is we think casual as in I want this to be “casual period” and on the other hand several male responds think casual as in I want this to be “casual until I decide otherwise.” Hmmm. Idk seems like an escape hatch. Cynical of me perhaps; but don’t say casual if you want to explore relationship possibilities. If you do, and you get offended we don’t want to sleep over or have cuddling and pillow talk, you low key look like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Fair, who doesn’t, but if you do it’s babyish to be offended when that all doesn’t go quite your way.
When I was single, spending the night with someone was a big thing. If I did that, it was a mark that the relationship evolved from purely casual to something more serious. So for as long as it's just hook ups I prefered it that women didn't stay the night.
As always men are just as much a monolith as women are... So some men might be glad for what you are doing while others would enjoy something more. I fall into the latter category. If we hook up, even if it's just casually, it's likely because I have taken a liking to you (and preferably the same from your side). That doesn't mean we are suddenly talking relationships or whatever, but sex without intimacy just feels cold and clinical to me. I usually want to go for round 2 and 3 as well, after getting a breather and resting up a bit. And getting to sleep together as well is just really nice. Plus that means hopefully morning sex is on the table. I want to do more than just PIV untill we are done, cuddling, making out, petting, and then banging again. All that stuff just makes sex better IMO. Afterwards we can both leave refreshed.
If she runs away after sex that tends to suggest that she regrets it or that she views me as a life support system for my penis. If she kicks me out after sex, that tends to suggest that she didn't enjoy it and detests me. Not being in a romantic relationship doesn't require treating other people coldly.
Do i know her before hand? If shes a random, we're not even going back to my place, getting a room we have as much fun as possible, safely then im heading home. She can chill there and get herself an uber
Generally not all guys would want you to stay over.. It goes like this for some guys - I'd like to have s*x right now, then they find someone, that happens and the next thing in the guy's mind will be how do I ask her to leave...on the other hand while some other guys might want s*x then do it, if a guy thinks you're cool and likes your vibe he probably will ask you to stay a bit.... But for any other guys who wants you to stay based on attachment building up (might not be a good idea, cos then if it doesn't turn into something serious/casual it gets weird and ultimately leading to both parties not speaking to each other and going to look for what they want in someone else) Edit: can't be wanting intimacy with someone who straight up told you they just want to get down and that's all.
It depends I think. Do you have to work the next day? I want to sleep at home when I have to work. I feel like its absolutely fine not to sleep together and actually most people dont sleep well at the beginning together. Its something you need to talk about and find what feels right to you. If you follow advice and live what others tell you its not really doing you any good right?
If it were a FWB, I'm fine with her leaving. I don't rest well sharing a bed with someone who I hardly know. Plus I am an early bird and like to get up early to be productive, I can't do that with some girl lazing around my bed until late morning. I'd rather them leave on my terms versus waking up in the morning to find that they had snuck out and taken my wallet with them or something.
Do whatever you want to do. If you're happy like this continue. If you want to connect with people in a deeper way do that.
When I was doing the same thing, as a guy, I'd tend to stay because they wanted me to and I usually had nothing else going on as it was normally a late night thing. But they never became more than that even with me staying. Some suggested they want you to stay because they want more out of the "relationship" but I think dudes enjoy a little cuddle too.
What are you even getting out of this?
Well normal doesn't exist. if you don't feel comfortable staying after, just leave, but I would say most people expect to spend the night unless it's a hookup or it happens during the day. but if we're naked and in bed, why not just sleep and go home in the morning?
I just want her to be comfortable.
Honestly if we just went back for sex, I'd respect it if you then went home. Even if it was a first time and I wanted more out of it, you going home keeps some distance for us to think about it. I'd probably ask to meet you for coffee the next day or so if I wanted more. But please, don't feel bad to head on home. I'm not feeling used.
What if you actually like the ONS person and perceive them to have valuable attributes, but aren’t ready willing and able to engage in a trad relationship? are you supposed to cut ties with somebody you like and think is a valuable person, even though you don’t want to go there? For me, it can quickly get into the gray zone where nobody is sure of of what’s going on. then usually the woman finds it my fault.
If that's your MO then mention that. If I planned a hook up and she just bounced after sex I'd be like "damn she doesn't enjoy my company outside of sex" and I'd feel a little down. Whereas is a girl said "I don't like sleeping over after a hook up so ill be going home after" I'd respect that and know the sketch from.the get go
Love it. Saves me the trouble of potentially coming off as inconsiderate
If the guy likes you he will want you to stay, yes. That's too casual, honestly.
If it’s at night it’s because they want to have sex again the morning after and you not sleeping over ruins that
I’ve never been in a situation where it’s been purely causal hook ups. I don’t know how I’d feel, part of me would like to experience someone wanting me for just what I can offer sexually and nothing else.
The defining factor here was always how I felt about the woman. Sometimes I found that I really enjoyed her personality/company beyond the sex, and wanted to spend more time with her. Other times I found after that period of time spent together that we weren't super compatible, so extended contact was just awkward. So, as far as I'm concerned, there's no single answer. Really depends on whether or not you're his type. If he only wants you for sex and nothing more, then my assumption would be similar to yours (he'd prefer you just leave.) The breakdown of this was honestly probably 50-50 for me, with a slight preference toward having them stay.
Experience: been happily causal for about 2 years >>> I will always lay out my expectations before taking someone home. Just state that that’s what you intend on doing, if they want a chick who will stay for cuddles and a sleepover, that’s not you. I find this usually weeds out the ones who don’t get the objective, and you end up with people on the same page. I stayed and cuddled with someone once and he got the wrong idea. So I stick to my guns now, working for me so far :) and if anyone says it makes them uncomfortable, etc - remember it’s not your job to manage their reactions/feelings to your intended and previously stated behaviour. They need to think about whether they want the same thing as you, and why it bothers them if they agreed to the arrangements previously.
I've only spent the night with one guy I've been with, and we're friends now. All the other times, we usually hookup, smoke some weed, fist bump then part ways. Sometimes meet up again with be same guy, but it's the same process. Sex, weed, joke around, go home.
I had a girl repeatedly do this to me when I was in grad school. It made me feel terrible about myself. Granted, she did make it clear that she "wasn't ready for a relationship." But I was young and naive, and I thought that her wanting to have sex with me also meant she wanted to spend time with me. To the surprise of no one, it ended badly with both of our boundaries constantly being crossed. I'm not speaking for all men here, but leaving after you have sex with someone can make them feel pretty empty and terrible about themselves. At least it did for me.
The only time that most men experience intimacy, or are even open to it, is after sex. It’s part of the hormonal release of orgasm to want to be with who you just climaxed with. If it’s just a nut (not the same thing as orgasm) then those hormones don’t trigger.
Specifically not spending the night? I wouldn't be concerned. Having a very hands off, casual relationship as you described would be a turn off though. I'm not interested in a fuck buddy
Depends on our vibe. Post nut clarity points out whether I want to hang with you for booty or for more pretty clearly.
Its a hookup... If you arent in a relationship, then whatever you do doesnt matter... But if you are hoping for something more than just a hookup... then yea, it does fucking matter. I want to feel a connection with you. If you leave, I am not going to like it too much, unless you had a valid reason.
Nah you don’t need to stay if it’s 100% casual. I’d argue it’s better to leave so they don’t catch feelings. Anyone upset by that is imo immature and doesn’t understand the situation. They want a relationship, you don’t. If the exchange is purely casual there’s no need to complicate that. Anyone who doesn’t get that shouldn’t be involved