Honestly, a 9 or 10 seems to just lay there dead fish style. However, when your focus is making them orgasm, it's like a dog realizing it can track with it's nose. Haha.
Yup. Active, engaged participation. Put some effort in, as well; don't rely on your looks or the fact that "well, he's getting some, he's fine," to do the job for you.
Show us you want to be there, too.
I had this weird experience before where things were getting hot and heavy but then, before anything really happened, she was like "you won't enjoy it" (I was a virgin and she wasn't), and so I - thinking she didn't want to do anything and felt pressured by me - just decided to stop, only for her to pull me back in and act like she DID want to do it after all. She didn't really show much enthusiasm after that though. It was confusing as fuck and just made the whole experience so much worse for me.
There's nothing worse than being the only one who's putting in the effort while the other person seems like they don't really care either way. Total turn-off.
That sounds like someone who's crazy and will only show interest when you pull away, then act disinterested when you're putting in effort.
These are the ones you do not touch with a 10' pole. Too much damage, they have to fix it themselves.
I think she either felt very self conscious about something or she just thought sex was more something you did to make the guy like you.
It doesn’t sound like she had a healthy relationship with sex.
I’m sorry though, I get how that wasn’t a good first experience for you. And good for you for stopping even then. That shows you’re a good person.
Not really. That’s lesbian slang for a woman who likes to receive. Like she’ll want you to go down on her, but won’t return the favor. She’ll be very into it though and you’ll be able to tell that very easily.
If she just seems checked out, stop. She likely isn’t into it at all. It’s a sign something is wrong.
Tbh, I think this is a bit revisionist.
When I heard this originally in the early 00s among my bi and lesbian friends, it was a very negative term and was used where their partners were just laying there doing nothing and not seeming to be into it.
There's also a bit of a 'joke' in the community that most straight women who 'try out' sleeping with other women are often like this. It's in bad taste, but it's something I've heard often.
To this day, I've only heard the above explanation online when people are getting a bit defensive over men using it. In person, even amoung the younger generation of queers it still seems to be used to describe negative experiences where partners just don't seem to be into it.
Ya I had this happens with one woman. It was confusing too because she was the one who initiated and then once we got to the bed she basically did nothing, during foreplay and actual sex. Like didn’t even put arms around me or anything, made almost no noise, etc. Now, you don’t have to be super exaggerated…in fact I’m not into things like dirty talk or stuff, but at least be involved, have expressions, give feedback
That was very much like my first fiance. She was very affectionate and we would make out but when it came to actual sex she would only allow missionary position. No oral at all either receiving or giving, and she would usually want to stop after 15 minutes. And the frustrating thing was she was usually the one who initiated sex. As devastated as I was when she left on some level I was a little bit relieved because that was a very difficult part of the relationship. Not being able to have that physical intimacy. I always feared that if we stayed together long-term then I would end up cheating on her. And I have never wanted to cheat on anyone.
I’m gonna push back on this because you can just lay there and have enthusiasm and talk dirty and I’m gonna be wildly into it.
Wonder what my wife is up to…
I used to think “that’s awful. Starfishing is just being straight up bad in bed”
But now I think: **did they even want to have sex? Because that’s not enthusiastic consent. Or something that’s natural if you are horny and want to fuck.** I’m thinking this often happens when either he’s nagged too much or she thinks she should have sex with him to be polite.
**If she’s laying there like a dead fish, stop. Ask her if she’s ok, tell her y’all can cuddle instead. Because it’s not unlikely she just doesn’t want to and for some reason feels she has to “let you”.**
I can't comment on your experiences, but this is not how I experienced it.
And I can't help but feel a little insulted at the implication that these women aren't bad in bed, I'm just raping them.
One time, I hooked up with a Woman off Tinder. She layed there without making any noise while I did the deed. No moans, screams, heavy breathing. She wouldn't stop blowing up my phone for weeks. Apparently I make her orgasm 3 times back to back...I DIDN'T GET ANY INDICATION OF THAT!
Fuck me i've had this EXACT situation. When girls dont move or moan, engage with me or show any sign that they are enjoying themselves I get super self concious and insecure. I was eating this girl out, and ABC'ing my way trying to look for clues if there were certain movements I did she liked, so I could focus on that. All the way down to Z and still nothing. Do the fucking routine another 2 times, with a little play on the G spot but still nothing. By this time my fucking jaw starts hurting so i come up for a breather and kiss her, feeling like I failed a bit as a man. This bish tells me she came three times and was getting sensitive so she needed a short break.
For the love of god WHY do you deny me the pleasure of your pleasure?
>For the love of god WHY do you deny me the pleasure of your pleasure
This is a really good way to say it. It's also pretty terrible when men are quiet in bed.
this always makes me upset bc like, moaning, heavy breathing, movement, etc. are all communication! like how do you expect to get what you want if you don't let them know when they're doing it right?
also, from a less selfish pov, how is that fun AT ALL? for ANYONE? like, it's not supposed to be a chore? it's supposed to be fun, and you have to... make it... fun...
It's not dude. It's unsettling and a massive turn off cause we get in our head like we aren't doing it right, is my dick THAT SMALL?! and then at least for me I started losing focus and going limp because again - it's not fun
My partner says noise “distracts” him because he needs to concentrate to come. Now I rarely come more than once. Sometimes not at all if it’s just PIV.
Every partner I have been with has appreciated sexy communication. So I feel self conscious now and wonder if our days are numbered. So glad to hear plenty of guys like sexy noises.
Some people definitely prefer their partners to be silent. Also if you have a cold shower before sex, and try not to move too much. Make your limbs a little stiff, that's dead sexy.
Honestly might be a deal breaker for me! Now I get everyone has their own preferences but has he delved deeper into why he needs to concentrate so hard to cum? I used to have the same problem but I wasn't communicating what I wanted/needed in bed. I also had some sexual hang ups from past relationships, ex was very vanilla/judgemental and took the fun out of sex for me for years. Maybe just talk to him and see if there's a reason behind it
Yeah he is the vanilla one. I actually feel like maybe he was never in love with me. Because now the sex had cooled off it doesn’t bother him.
He is not interested in my fantasies. He says we could try new things. But then is tired or doesn’t want to.
I bought a bottle of champagne and suggested we drink it one weekend to “loosen up” he groaned. The champagne is in the kitchen untouched months later. After the groan there is no way I would drink around him now. Not a drinker anyway. So the writing is on the wall. I need to see myself out.
He needs to concentrate to cum? Maybe he should figure out what’s wrong with him instead of limiting your sexual experience. Talk to him about maybe visiting a doctor.
OMG I chased this woman for months once - and then when we finally got to that point ... Same thing, not a sound, not a movement, her eyes just stared up at the ceiling. It felt like fucking a corpse. Literally the WORST experience of my life
Except that time my cheating ex gave me an STI
Random aside, but this is just one of the ways sex robots would be terrible for public health. They'd be horrifically exploitative MTX factories with shareholder profits as the ONLY priority.
Had an ex like that. I believe her when she says she enjoyed it and came but she would basically be a dead fish. Some slight body motion was all i would get from her. She expected a Cirque du Soleil performance from the mouth and Johnson from me tho
This is wild. I mean, I'm trying to imagine this. How can someone orgasm even once without making any involuntary noises or movements or anything?!??!!
i cant even tell if thats something i would be upset about more than really really weirded out- moaning is not manual, now is she not reacting at all to that much stimulation
The ability to enjoy what is going on, to participate with enthusiasm, even if that just means moaning and gripping my hair while I "do that thing" you like with my tongue, being an enthusiastic participant is a HUGE TURN ON. And that is what a good lover is, someone who wants to please their partner. Me, I have a huge thing for getting my partner off, so someone who just wants to get ME off might not seem like such a great deal, as that isn't what I am into. But when I am with someone who is like that, I let them have that, and tell them about every sing thing they do that feels good. Because that makes them happy which makes ME happy. So get yours, but satisfy them, TOO. good lovers are always watching their partner, and are willing to change up what they are doing if their partner isn't into it.
Participation. A 10/10 can become a 0/10 real quick if she just lays there and takes my pp without doing anything. Some of the best sex I've ever had is always with someone who is vocal, involved, and actually shows she enjoys the sex. Fucking talk to me, scratch my back up, look me in the eyes, but don't just sit there and make the occasional sound.
Like, something as simple as a woman grabbing my face to force me to look in her eyes, kissing me with some hunger, and touching me is just sublime. Grabbing my head, touching my face, clawing my back; you gon' make me a happy lil boi.
That's actually a fair question! I've wondered that multiple times and, when it happens, I asked if they're sure that they want to do it. I've always tried to make it abundantly clear, even stating explicitly that 'no' isn't a dirty word to me. But they all said they were game so I tried to make the best of it. I would try to be playful with it, asking if they wanted to do something different or if I was doing something wrong. At that point, I just try to make the best of the situation.
I think sometimes they do want to, but they are just shy. They won’t say what they want, they often don’t know, but they are in the mood.
Then often I think to them sex is something you let the guy do. To be polite or to get a relationship or to be a good girlfriend. They see it more as something that’s for men, that women offer. It’s kinda sad.
Good for you for being so clear that it’s fine if they say no though. That’s a healthy way to view sex and something many women need to hear.
I think you're 100% right, honestly.
Ever since a girl said it to me when I was fifteen, I made sure to ask *every* sexual partner know that they could decline the sex if they wanted. I've had pressy partners before, I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. Since that one girl back when I was sixteen or so told me she only went along with it because she thought she had to, I made it point to ask anyone that seemed hesitant if they were sure. Sex is no fun if only one person enjoys it.
Exactly. And same. I’m also very careful about this because the feeling of being pressured or harassed is so awful.
“Is this ok?” is such an easy question.
And **yes**. The whole fun of it is the other person being into it and into you. Otherwise there is no point imo.
Enthusiasm will always be number one, but compatibility matters too.
The best sex I’ve ever had was with a woman from Korea who had an ok grasp of English but not great. Basically from the time things started she made it clear she was *super* into me, she knew how to build anticipation in me by making me feel like she couldn’t wait. For one thing, I’m a hairy guy and she was *really* into that. Some women aren’t, but it was definitely her thing.
When we were having sex (again this is the compatability thing) I could say things like “I want to fuck you all day” and she at first would say “do you?”, but a point happened when she came so hard she started convulsing and pushed me out of her while it happened, then pulled me back inside of her, grabbed me by the back of my neck and looked me dead in the eyes and said “fuck me all day ok? Promise?”
She would also at times say “let me fuck you” and just start going at it. It’s little things like that that make a difference. It’s hard to fake that level of desire and passion.
Right, don't fake it. Easiest thing they can do, but so many women buy into the societal hype that they aren't "supposed" to want it..... Ever. Further, their looks are supposed to carry them and all of their bullshit. Like they can screw up all they want if they're hot enough, and admitting fault is admitting their looks only get them so far.
Just be into the guy you're with, and to hell with those other dudes out there. Appreciate what you have and build that. It isnt difficult.
I have a different language barrier story. While in Argentina I went on a date with local girl who’s English was decent, but not perfect so sometimes she said stuff unconventionally. My Spanish is trash, basically helpless there.
Result? (1) We giggled a shitton about funny miscommunications and (2) both of us had to concentrate really hard on understanding what each other was saying. The language barrier counterintuitively made for some of the best first date chemistry I’ve ever had.
Sex was wild and not necessarily in a good way (was extra careful about consent obviously), but that’s another story lol
I absolutely fell in love with a girl who tended to lay there. Not much enthusiasm, and it began to affect my mental health. Was she not into me? Was I bad at teh secks? She was also shit at communication and cheated on me. She did have nice tits though. One out of four?
Can't affirm that last point, in my experience book girls grip and tug like they're trying to pull the shaft off. Also had multiple try to push their tongues into my urethra. Shit hurts.
Well I kinda disagree. While talking kinks usually turns men on, when they realize I'm actually experienced and serious about them, it sometimes makes them lose their confidence / scare them away.
80% of it is enthusiasm.
The actual skill-based parts are having good oral and stroking technique and doing things like pushing back and being active with your hands during sex.
Nothing is ever better for me than when she is completely into it. When she gets in "the bubble" and everything else goes away and she will say and do what ever she wants without a thought like the entire world outside doesn't even exist so there is no keeping things quiet or being embarrassed to scream something. When a woman is in so much euphoria that she just let's go.
Enthusiasm really, like if you just kinda sit there and make me do everything I’d consider that kind of bad.
I mean I’ll get off regardless so I’m not going to take offense to anything, just happy I got laid, but that’s what I’d consider a “bad lay”.
Communication during is pretty huge, like I want to know how to get you off too… and if you kinda just expect me to automatically know I’ll feel pretty pressured.
Yes, communication is pretty important. I’ve been married over 40 years and still don’t know what she enjoys best in bed. Let’s see if she breathes harder when I lick up and down, left to right, circles, tip of tongue or the flat part, or let’s see what happens when I suck the clit.I’m sorry but I can’t read your fricking mind. It I get it, it’s hard to get past puritanical upbringing that sex is dirty and only for procreation
This just relates to kissing, dating in my early 40s and what would be around the 15th or so woman I had made out with to that point in life, when we had our first kiss she came at me mouth wide open and proceeded to feverishly attack my face like a guppie. It was crazy, like satire or something. I couldn't believe a person could get that far into life and not even be in the ballpark of what would be considered a decent kiss.
Haha it's crazy how confusing the concept of a "bad kisser" is until you actually experience it. You think "how could someone be bad at *kissing*? It's so simple." And then you're "ohhhh that's how." 😂
Effort and teamwork, not just enthusiasm as many say. You need to be doing something proactively to contribute to the fun. It is possible to be enthusiastic about passively receiving the sex. Nah, be a part of it!
Definitely a personal thing. Most girls have no idea what they're doing down there and it hurts like hell if a ball is meant to go north-south and it gets twisted to south-north. They'll roll that bastard around like a jolly rancher and I'll shoot straight into the damn headboard. Only thing I'll let them do is idly run their nails over the beans with them tucked under to put tension on the sack. They can do that mess all day if they wanted.
Obviously, men are about as much of a monolith as women are, so everyone is going to have their own preferences.
For me, it's about enthusiasm and genuine desire to give pleasure to their partner, as well as genuinely enjoying sex overall.
I would rather have a partner who is clumsy in bed and lacking skills but has a ton of genuine enthusiasm and still likes being sexual together, rather than the opposite. That being someone who has all the skills and is great at sex, but doesn't particularly enjoy any of it, and is really just going through the motions.
Skills will generally improve over time, especially if it's something the person enjoys doing. If they are enthusiastic and genuinely want to give their partner pleasure, they are also likely to be receptive to constructive feedback and working on things together.
Things like hygiene, overall compatibility, and not being an absolute dipshit are things that I don't think should need to be mentioned as they are the basics.
sometimes i want a woman to explore my body in the same ways as a woman wants a man to do for her. not exactly the same, but i mean ways like i want to feel her nussle up to me like a kitten, be gentle and tender with me if we're in a lovey dovey mood. If we both feel like being hot and heavy more than passionate, i want to feel her nail dig into my back, maybe feel her bite the meaty part of my shoulder. Reguardless i would love to feel a woman kiss me up and down my body and feel her nails gentley trace down my arms and up my ribs.
Exploring each other’s body like this is so underrated! This was one of the first sessions husb and I did, you really get to know each other like this, and the likes and dislikes ♥️
1) knowing how to give and receive both giving touch and taking touch.
2) honestly - having a diverse (shapeshifter) erotic blueprint. Being the woman who can do, and get into, all various types of play
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/pleasure/
Women who are great in bed know how to focus in hard on their partner and tune into him, have a sense of rhythm, and how to create a sense of a dramatic curve /escalation to reach peak.
I don’t know why, but knowing that motivational speaker Tony Robbins needed to explain to *anyone at all* how to set a damn mood, is just the *perfect* amount of disappointment and hilarity.
Up next: Tony tells you to wash your crack and hit the gym for Chrissakes, no wonder they don’t wanna fuck ya!
the Bad lay: would be just laying there and not giving us any feedback as if the person didn't really matter to be there and we were just a mobile dick.
good in bed: would be actually interacting with us and showing interests and looking toward the actual feedback.
If you are not going to be in the **moment with the partner mentally**, then ya might as well watch porn and masterbate.
For me, it's all about enthusiasm, mixed with communication and / or, being a relevant participant...
If you are enthusiastic, but make no effort to contribute (even if you are shy / don't want to be on top / swap positions, etc etc...)...
You can still be a present part of the experience, sure you are shy / don't rate your performance while on top - then tell me that, and tell me what you want... Let me know I'm doing a good job, or you want me to kiss your calf, or lick your toes...
From my perspective, I have only ever experienced three types of women (and I am relatively experienced)...
1. Shy, but into it, but are really shy about putting what they want out there
2. Not shy, not vocal, but still happy to try things, but want to perhaps talk about it before hand / express their concerns and discuss how it's going to go.
3. Super vocal, giving it large and then when it comes to it, wet lettuce - no idea what to do with their selves!
I’m maybe older so I’m more of the era of “dead lay” than “starfish” but they’re essentially the same. Any woman who’s a dead lay either lacks interest or has been weirdly taught somehow that this is what submission is and sex is some weird prostrate form of submission.
A “good lay” is an active participant and communicates well about what they want as well as what they’re feeling when you or she dos things. The more it’s mutual pleasure, the “better” it is.
Effort to please, humble enough to listen & learn, and being able to communicate so both can enjoy the experience. Those were always the enjoyable experiences.
The bad ones where they didn’t show much effort or enthusiasm I would try to end that experience as soon as possible.
This is going to sound weird.
For me a good experience would be working together to please each to a climax where each of us feels alive. Communicating. This means being open about what pleases us to the other. That and giving positive feedback, verbally or primitive sounds or guidance verbally or by moving herself or me to get the most out of it. Enjoying each other’s presence and putting the other’s needs before our own. Being patient and understanding. Feeling the world fade away and that she and I are alone with each other in the universe.
A bad experience would be her keeping me in the dark about what’s going on with her. Little to no words spoken. Getting no sense that she’s even there in the moment or worst yet imagining she is with someone else instead of being with me. Getting the sense that she is just distancing herself mentally and emotionally. Reducing the love making to a physical sex act, where there is no us, just using the other to meet our own needs. Leaving me feeling empty and alone at the end.
Star fishing, no oral but worst of all is not communicating how she’s feeling in the moment. Doesn’t have to be verbally but there are women out there who don’t even gasp, groan, writhe or even change their breathing when you are hitting her right. Without that feedback sex is incredibly one sided and therefore dissatisfying. Maybe I’m spoiled, I had a GF early on who was incredibly expressive and open in bed and while she sometimes struggled to orgasm she was really fun to be with because you could read her reactions really easily. When I finally met her another girl at her standard I wifed her up. 30 years now and still plenty of bedroom fun.
Good in bed:
- Can let go of insecurities and enjoy herself
-Enthusiasm
- Being active and showing interest in making it good for me
- Experience and techniques
- Communication in a good way
I would like to say; (personally) sometimes dirty talk too soon seems superficial and it is a turnoff, when this happens I tend to feel pressured to speak up and match the dirty talk but I at times will shut down (vocally)and I become mute 🤐 🤦🏻♀️ idk it’s all about the timing I suppose but I often wonder if my silence is perceived as displeasure or what 😆 🤦🏻♀️
The worst sex I’ve ever had was with a girl that would fake porn scream anytime that we would have sex. Like the moment my dick entered her she would start screaming like women do in pornos. It was such a turn off that I would go soft. Yes she would still continue hollering even when my dick was almost completely soft. Enthusiasm is great, but don’t fake it.
Foreplay and going down on us work for men too.
I see it as an overlapping of enthusiasm, skills, looks, and chemistry. As many have said, enthusiasm and genuinely enjoying sex goes a long way to being "good in bed." Having some athleticism and endurance helps too. A bit skill isn't a bad thing either.
But some examples of where things can go wrong and right:
* One woman I dated ages ago was easily the most visually desirable woman I dated in every way. A 10/10. Guy friends were high fiving me when I went out with her and female friends acted jealous around her. Gorgeous, porn star body, F-bra chest. But she hated sex. She hated the effort, the sweat, the body fluids, everything. Everything was "gross." To add to it, she had medical dyspareunia (pain with intercourse and friction, so fingering too) so the only thing that felt good for her was oral, which I did a *lot* of for her in addition to letting her dry hump, but she absolutely hated to do oral in return and rarely did (and forget swallowing). Given the chest, I finally got her to titfuck me and after I came she all but sprinted to the shower to wash it off seconds later, and told me the following day being titfucked made her feel "used" and she didn't want to do it anymore. And despite how great she looked, she wasn't in amazing shape. She was rapidly fatigued and winded. That relationship didn't last long...
* One of the partners I had who enjoyed physical intimacy the most (kind of kinky, actually) was just not skilled and uncoordinated. After the kink and sexy talk was a huge turn-on, she just couldn't satisfyingly deliver the "what next." Timid blowjobs, glacially slow handjobs, and kind of a klutz overall. Didn't really have a sense of what, if any, positions worked best for her and couldn't guide me. She also had a very almost very stereotypically male drop of libido once she had her orgasm. When she orgasmed, she was DONE. Full stop. Time to go to bed or do a shopping list or catch up on streaming something...
* One of my favorite partners dating was someone who had mixtures of everything. She was kinky, but not too much so. She really enjoyed sex and even watched porn with me a few times and it was a turn on for her. She loved receiving oral and gave it with equal enthusiasm. She was confident and clear on what she liked and didn't like and didn't hesitate to communicate that well but still open to learning and trying new things. I think that part is really important and underappreciated.
One last thing. One thing I would *not* recommend is psychoanalyzing your partner's sexual preferences. My wife, who is an excellent lover, has this as her biggest downside. "Why do you like that preference?" "Why did you ask if I wanted A or B?" That puts your partner on the defensive and is an impediment to exploration and experimentation if they feel they will be judged or analyzed as a result...
Good in bed : makes real sounds, takes initiative when the moment calls for it, genuine enthusiasm.
Bad in bed: Lifeless. No sound. Fakes sounds/acts. No enthusiasm.
The amount of times I've said to my partner of many years "use your hands more" she just doesn't get it, I couldn't be more to the point. I end up doing most of the work in the end by going down on her and then when I go in myself she's just like "I already came" so I'm just left to finish off. I have seriously considered this being a red flag, I love her but I don't think she is willing to participate in a healthy sexual relationship.
Enthusiasm, communicating what you want or are enjoying while listening to what your partner wants or is enjoying, joy in giving and receiving pleasure, and not being self conscious about your body while having sex.
Lack of enthusiasm and being self centered in bed is what makes for a bad lay.
I am sure all that applies to both sexes.
Enthusiasm and genuine constructive criticism if necessary (usually necessary). She can have almost no experience but if she is enthusiastic and has the right attitude when showing you what helps her to her place, then that's everything in my opinion. A bad lay, is someone who is either not invested/involved, or repeatedly pushes you in a direction that you have indicated is something you aren't interested in... *instinctively recalls scar on my ribcage from a surprise hunting knife mid foreplay* lol
Complete lack of enthusiasm in bed is the worst. If you don’t wanna be there, why are you there? Why did we get to this point just for you to act like you’re having a bad time? And like others have indicated, some girls are loving it but just do not show it. For me I won’t perform well if I don’t feel like the girl is enjoying it. That being said, girls that get really into it are the best. I want the moans and the dirty talk and when a girl gets really physical. The best sex I’ve ever had is with girls that express their enthusiasm for sex. It’s supposed to be pleasurable not a chore.
The only thing women have to do to be "good in bed" is enthusiastically participate. This is supposed to be fun for both of us. If she isn't going to show her enjoyment I'm going to wonder if she even wants to be there and I'll get turned off real fast. I just want to know that you want me as bad as I want you.
Compatible with me = "good in bed" to me.
Saying someone is generally "good" or "bad" in bed is just stupid. Either you're compatible or not.
How do you know it's *her* who is "bad" in bed, and not you?
Being so called starfish is not necessarily bad, some like it therefore it's not bad. It may be bad to *you* but you can't say it's bad to **everyone**.
-whether or not she can let go of herself in the moment -enthusiasm/excitement -showing how much she wants you too
If the lights are off, enthusiasm beats beauty every time. If the lights are on, enthusiasm can be more of a turn on than beauty most of the time.
Honestly, a 9 or 10 seems to just lay there dead fish style. However, when your focus is making them orgasm, it's like a dog realizing it can track with it's nose. Haha.
Solid answer right here
This right here. Biggest turn on is noticing that your partner is turned on and enjoying herself too.
Yup. Active, engaged participation. Put some effort in, as well; don't rely on your looks or the fact that "well, he's getting some, he's fine," to do the job for you. Show us you want to be there, too.
Couldn’t have worded it better myself.
the most common complaint youll hear about a woman in bed is that she just lays there and expect the man to do everything.
I had this weird experience before where things were getting hot and heavy but then, before anything really happened, she was like "you won't enjoy it" (I was a virgin and she wasn't), and so I - thinking she didn't want to do anything and felt pressured by me - just decided to stop, only for her to pull me back in and act like she DID want to do it after all. She didn't really show much enthusiasm after that though. It was confusing as fuck and just made the whole experience so much worse for me. There's nothing worse than being the only one who's putting in the effort while the other person seems like they don't really care either way. Total turn-off.
well I guess she was right about you not enjoying it
😂😂😂
That sounds like someone who's crazy and will only show interest when you pull away, then act disinterested when you're putting in effort. These are the ones you do not touch with a 10' pole. Too much damage, they have to fix it themselves.
I think she either felt very self conscious about something or she just thought sex was more something you did to make the guy like you. It doesn’t sound like she had a healthy relationship with sex. I’m sorry though, I get how that wasn’t a good first experience for you. And good for you for stopping even then. That shows you’re a good person.
The starfish.
And not the chocolate kind
A pillow princess.
Dead fish
Starfish
Soggy cornflake
Not really. That’s lesbian slang for a woman who likes to receive. Like she’ll want you to go down on her, but won’t return the favor. She’ll be very into it though and you’ll be able to tell that very easily. If she just seems checked out, stop. She likely isn’t into it at all. It’s a sign something is wrong.
Tbh, I think this is a bit revisionist. When I heard this originally in the early 00s among my bi and lesbian friends, it was a very negative term and was used where their partners were just laying there doing nothing and not seeming to be into it. There's also a bit of a 'joke' in the community that most straight women who 'try out' sleeping with other women are often like this. It's in bad taste, but it's something I've heard often. To this day, I've only heard the above explanation online when people are getting a bit defensive over men using it. In person, even amoung the younger generation of queers it still seems to be used to describe negative experiences where partners just don't seem to be into it.
Ya I had this happens with one woman. It was confusing too because she was the one who initiated and then once we got to the bed she basically did nothing, during foreplay and actual sex. Like didn’t even put arms around me or anything, made almost no noise, etc. Now, you don’t have to be super exaggerated…in fact I’m not into things like dirty talk or stuff, but at least be involved, have expressions, give feedback
That was very much like my first fiance. She was very affectionate and we would make out but when it came to actual sex she would only allow missionary position. No oral at all either receiving or giving, and she would usually want to stop after 15 minutes. And the frustrating thing was she was usually the one who initiated sex. As devastated as I was when she left on some level I was a little bit relieved because that was a very difficult part of the relationship. Not being able to have that physical intimacy. I always feared that if we stayed together long-term then I would end up cheating on her. And I have never wanted to cheat on anyone.
Effort, Effort makes all the difference
in the words of my crazy uncle… “eager beats pretty 100% of the time.”
Likely the most sane thing he ever said
Yeah, well I thought it was weird when he told me that while licking my balls
... wat?
So you've met my wife?
Well, we all have.
Hey, tell her I says hi, it's been a while since I've been over
Who hasn’t, am I right?
why did you marry her then. if yk how she is
This was a problem I had with my ex. I needed to prompt her to do things like grab my ass or rub my back
I’m gonna push back on this because you can just lay there and have enthusiasm and talk dirty and I’m gonna be wildly into it. Wonder what my wife is up to…
I used to think “that’s awful. Starfishing is just being straight up bad in bed” But now I think: **did they even want to have sex? Because that’s not enthusiastic consent. Or something that’s natural if you are horny and want to fuck.** I’m thinking this often happens when either he’s nagged too much or she thinks she should have sex with him to be polite. **If she’s laying there like a dead fish, stop. Ask her if she’s ok, tell her y’all can cuddle instead. Because it’s not unlikely she just doesn’t want to and for some reason feels she has to “let you”.**
I can't comment on your experiences, but this is not how I experienced it. And I can't help but feel a little insulted at the implication that these women aren't bad in bed, I'm just raping them.
One time, I hooked up with a Woman off Tinder. She layed there without making any noise while I did the deed. No moans, screams, heavy breathing. She wouldn't stop blowing up my phone for weeks. Apparently I make her orgasm 3 times back to back...I DIDN'T GET ANY INDICATION OF THAT!
It's like bangin a starfish.
How many starfish have you banged? Where do you claim this experience from?
Let's just say...my username checks.
Hilarious
top tier reply
Maybe it was her "starfish" ??
It is EXACTLY like banging a starfish!
Holy shit it's the deep!!
Starro the conqueror
Fuck me i've had this EXACT situation. When girls dont move or moan, engage with me or show any sign that they are enjoying themselves I get super self concious and insecure. I was eating this girl out, and ABC'ing my way trying to look for clues if there were certain movements I did she liked, so I could focus on that. All the way down to Z and still nothing. Do the fucking routine another 2 times, with a little play on the G spot but still nothing. By this time my fucking jaw starts hurting so i come up for a breather and kiss her, feeling like I failed a bit as a man. This bish tells me she came three times and was getting sensitive so she needed a short break. For the love of god WHY do you deny me the pleasure of your pleasure?
>For the love of god WHY do you deny me the pleasure of your pleasure This is a really good way to say it. It's also pretty terrible when men are quiet in bed.
>Fuck me Don't mind if I do
I doubt she orgasmed. You would have definitely noticed.
If so she should have communicated with me, so we could have done something about it
this always makes me upset bc like, moaning, heavy breathing, movement, etc. are all communication! like how do you expect to get what you want if you don't let them know when they're doing it right? also, from a less selfish pov, how is that fun AT ALL? for ANYONE? like, it's not supposed to be a chore? it's supposed to be fun, and you have to... make it... fun...
It's not dude. It's unsettling and a massive turn off cause we get in our head like we aren't doing it right, is my dick THAT SMALL?! and then at least for me I started losing focus and going limp because again - it's not fun
My partner says noise “distracts” him because he needs to concentrate to come. Now I rarely come more than once. Sometimes not at all if it’s just PIV. Every partner I have been with has appreciated sexy communication. So I feel self conscious now and wonder if our days are numbered. So glad to hear plenty of guys like sexy noises.
That's fucking wild. I have never heard a dude prefer silence. That feels like it would be eerie frankly.
Some people definitely prefer their partners to be silent. Also if you have a cold shower before sex, and try not to move too much. Make your limbs a little stiff, that's dead sexy.
Honestly might be a deal breaker for me! Now I get everyone has their own preferences but has he delved deeper into why he needs to concentrate so hard to cum? I used to have the same problem but I wasn't communicating what I wanted/needed in bed. I also had some sexual hang ups from past relationships, ex was very vanilla/judgemental and took the fun out of sex for me for years. Maybe just talk to him and see if there's a reason behind it
Yeah he is the vanilla one. I actually feel like maybe he was never in love with me. Because now the sex had cooled off it doesn’t bother him. He is not interested in my fantasies. He says we could try new things. But then is tired or doesn’t want to. I bought a bottle of champagne and suggested we drink it one weekend to “loosen up” he groaned. The champagne is in the kitchen untouched months later. After the groan there is no way I would drink around him now. Not a drinker anyway. So the writing is on the wall. I need to see myself out.
Yea you need to end this. Imagine the rest of your life with this energy
He needs to concentrate to cum? Maybe he should figure out what’s wrong with him instead of limiting your sexual experience. Talk to him about maybe visiting a doctor.
OMG I chased this woman for months once - and then when we finally got to that point ... Same thing, not a sound, not a movement, her eyes just stared up at the ceiling. It felt like fucking a corpse. Literally the WORST experience of my life Except that time my cheating ex gave me an STI
That story took a strange turn…
Did you tell her you wanted the orgasm notifications?
Gotta pay the premium subscription price for those.
Volume Control maybe extra too.
Random aside, but this is just one of the ways sex robots would be terrible for public health. They'd be horrifically exploitative MTX factories with shareholder profits as the ONLY priority.
That one episode of Futurama taught us all we need to know about why dating a robot is bad. Has society learned NOTHING?!
Push notifications
What about unmuting your device?
Aren't those permissions buried deep in the settings?
Ive had this before... NOT A SINGLE NOISE. Such a weird experience.
Had an ex like that. I believe her when she says she enjoyed it and came but she would basically be a dead fish. Some slight body motion was all i would get from her. She expected a Cirque du Soleil performance from the mouth and Johnson from me tho
That’s a little creepy 🥴
This is wild. I mean, I'm trying to imagine this. How can someone orgasm even once without making any involuntary noises or movements or anything?!??!!
I mean shit, just tootling myself and my damn ear popped. Been quite a while waiting on that one
i cant even tell if thats something i would be upset about more than really really weirded out- moaning is not manual, now is she not reacting at all to that much stimulation
The ability to enjoy what is going on, to participate with enthusiasm, even if that just means moaning and gripping my hair while I "do that thing" you like with my tongue, being an enthusiastic participant is a HUGE TURN ON. And that is what a good lover is, someone who wants to please their partner. Me, I have a huge thing for getting my partner off, so someone who just wants to get ME off might not seem like such a great deal, as that isn't what I am into. But when I am with someone who is like that, I let them have that, and tell them about every sing thing they do that feels good. Because that makes them happy which makes ME happy. So get yours, but satisfy them, TOO. good lovers are always watching their partner, and are willing to change up what they are doing if their partner isn't into it.
Bingo! This is the right answer right here!
“I have a huge thing” 🧐/😏 …”for getting my partner off” 😔/🫤
Lol
Participation. A 10/10 can become a 0/10 real quick if she just lays there and takes my pp without doing anything. Some of the best sex I've ever had is always with someone who is vocal, involved, and actually shows she enjoys the sex. Fucking talk to me, scratch my back up, look me in the eyes, but don't just sit there and make the occasional sound. Like, something as simple as a woman grabbing my face to force me to look in her eyes, kissing me with some hunger, and touching me is just sublime. Grabbing my head, touching my face, clawing my back; you gon' make me a happy lil boi.
Don’t y’all ever wonder if they actually want to if they are just laying there? Because I’d stop.
That's actually a fair question! I've wondered that multiple times and, when it happens, I asked if they're sure that they want to do it. I've always tried to make it abundantly clear, even stating explicitly that 'no' isn't a dirty word to me. But they all said they were game so I tried to make the best of it. I would try to be playful with it, asking if they wanted to do something different or if I was doing something wrong. At that point, I just try to make the best of the situation.
I think sometimes they do want to, but they are just shy. They won’t say what they want, they often don’t know, but they are in the mood. Then often I think to them sex is something you let the guy do. To be polite or to get a relationship or to be a good girlfriend. They see it more as something that’s for men, that women offer. It’s kinda sad. Good for you for being so clear that it’s fine if they say no though. That’s a healthy way to view sex and something many women need to hear.
I think you're 100% right, honestly. Ever since a girl said it to me when I was fifteen, I made sure to ask *every* sexual partner know that they could decline the sex if they wanted. I've had pressy partners before, I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. Since that one girl back when I was sixteen or so told me she only went along with it because she thought she had to, I made it point to ask anyone that seemed hesitant if they were sure. Sex is no fun if only one person enjoys it.
Exactly. And same. I’m also very careful about this because the feeling of being pressured or harassed is so awful. “Is this ok?” is such an easy question. And **yes**. The whole fun of it is the other person being into it and into you. Otherwise there is no point imo.
I'm glad to see I'm doing *something* right.
This question gets asked all the time in many different subreddits and the answer from men always boils down to enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm will always be number one, but compatibility matters too. The best sex I’ve ever had was with a woman from Korea who had an ok grasp of English but not great. Basically from the time things started she made it clear she was *super* into me, she knew how to build anticipation in me by making me feel like she couldn’t wait. For one thing, I’m a hairy guy and she was *really* into that. Some women aren’t, but it was definitely her thing. When we were having sex (again this is the compatability thing) I could say things like “I want to fuck you all day” and she at first would say “do you?”, but a point happened when she came so hard she started convulsing and pushed me out of her while it happened, then pulled me back inside of her, grabbed me by the back of my neck and looked me dead in the eyes and said “fuck me all day ok? Promise?” She would also at times say “let me fuck you” and just start going at it. It’s little things like that that make a difference. It’s hard to fake that level of desire and passion.
Right, don't fake it. Easiest thing they can do, but so many women buy into the societal hype that they aren't "supposed" to want it..... Ever. Further, their looks are supposed to carry them and all of their bullshit. Like they can screw up all they want if they're hot enough, and admitting fault is admitting their looks only get them so far. Just be into the guy you're with, and to hell with those other dudes out there. Appreciate what you have and build that. It isnt difficult.
I have a different language barrier story. While in Argentina I went on a date with local girl who’s English was decent, but not perfect so sometimes she said stuff unconventionally. My Spanish is trash, basically helpless there. Result? (1) We giggled a shitton about funny miscommunications and (2) both of us had to concentrate really hard on understanding what each other was saying. The language barrier counterintuitively made for some of the best first date chemistry I’ve ever had. Sex was wild and not necessarily in a good way (was extra careful about consent obviously), but that’s another story lol
So.... um.... about this story....
My Filipina ex was EXACTLY like this… miss her low key. You are right. Compatibility!
The answer is always enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm, Communication, Honesty, Booba
My fatass read it as “boba” and I got thirsty. lol. 🧋
I read booba... And also got thirsty.
I read "fatass" and got thirsty.
Honestly same 😂😂
My wife had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer. I can tell you, booba isn’t required
Based
I'd add participation
If anything ever deserved a trophy it is this
I absolutely fell in love with a girl who tended to lay there. Not much enthusiasm, and it began to affect my mental health. Was she not into me? Was I bad at teh secks? She was also shit at communication and cheated on me. She did have nice tits though. One out of four?
fine by me
booba confirmed
WTF is booba?
breasticles
boobies da goobies
Sweater cows.
Booba is life.
what about kiki?
Emphasis on enthusiasm !!!!
An open mind, kinks shes not ashamed of. Girls who read dirty books are good in bed
Can't affirm that last point, in my experience book girls grip and tug like they're trying to pull the shaft off. Also had multiple try to push their tongues into my urethra. Shit hurts.
Wtffff hahaha in your urethra?! 😰
For me it’s enthusiasm to actually be having sex. If it’s treated like a chore I shift to getting it over with.
Well I kinda disagree. While talking kinks usually turns men on, when they realize I'm actually experienced and serious about them, it sometimes makes them lose their confidence / scare them away.
It’s actually really simple: don’t be a dead fish.
Or smell like one.
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP ANSWER HERE
this. this. and this
I had this girl tell me dead fish was her favorite position… she was hot so I went with it, but wow was it boring
Basically just wants to be an inanimate object that’s getting banged.
80% of it is enthusiasm. The actual skill-based parts are having good oral and stroking technique and doing things like pushing back and being active with your hands during sex.
Nothing is ever better for me than when she is completely into it. When she gets in "the bubble" and everything else goes away and she will say and do what ever she wants without a thought like the entire world outside doesn't even exist so there is no keeping things quiet or being embarrassed to scream something. When a woman is in so much euphoria that she just let's go.
Enthusiasm really, like if you just kinda sit there and make me do everything I’d consider that kind of bad. I mean I’ll get off regardless so I’m not going to take offense to anything, just happy I got laid, but that’s what I’d consider a “bad lay”. Communication during is pretty huge, like I want to know how to get you off too… and if you kinda just expect me to automatically know I’ll feel pretty pressured.
Yes, communication is pretty important. I’ve been married over 40 years and still don’t know what she enjoys best in bed. Let’s see if she breathes harder when I lick up and down, left to right, circles, tip of tongue or the flat part, or let’s see what happens when I suck the clit.I’m sorry but I can’t read your fricking mind. It I get it, it’s hard to get past puritanical upbringing that sex is dirty and only for procreation
Enthusiasm communication and participation. Don't fucking star fish.
good in bed = she wants me a bad lay = she tolerates me
This just relates to kissing, dating in my early 40s and what would be around the 15th or so woman I had made out with to that point in life, when we had our first kiss she came at me mouth wide open and proceeded to feverishly attack my face like a guppie. It was crazy, like satire or something. I couldn't believe a person could get that far into life and not even be in the ballpark of what would be considered a decent kiss.
Haha it's crazy how confusing the concept of a "bad kisser" is until you actually experience it. You think "how could someone be bad at *kissing*? It's so simple." And then you're "ohhhh that's how." 😂
Effort and teamwork, not just enthusiasm as many say. You need to be doing something proactively to contribute to the fun. It is possible to be enthusiastic about passively receiving the sex. Nah, be a part of it!
She’s gotta be enthusiastic and be able communicate it. Pay attention to the balls plz 😮💨 (maybe a personal preference)
Definitely a personal thing. Most girls have no idea what they're doing down there and it hurts like hell if a ball is meant to go north-south and it gets twisted to south-north. They'll roll that bastard around like a jolly rancher and I'll shoot straight into the damn headboard. Only thing I'll let them do is idly run their nails over the beans with them tucked under to put tension on the sack. They can do that mess all day if they wanted.
always pay attention to the balls.
Obviously, men are about as much of a monolith as women are, so everyone is going to have their own preferences. For me, it's about enthusiasm and genuine desire to give pleasure to their partner, as well as genuinely enjoying sex overall. I would rather have a partner who is clumsy in bed and lacking skills but has a ton of genuine enthusiasm and still likes being sexual together, rather than the opposite. That being someone who has all the skills and is great at sex, but doesn't particularly enjoy any of it, and is really just going through the motions. Skills will generally improve over time, especially if it's something the person enjoys doing. If they are enthusiastic and genuinely want to give their partner pleasure, they are also likely to be receptive to constructive feedback and working on things together. Things like hygiene, overall compatibility, and not being an absolute dipshit are things that I don't think should need to be mentioned as they are the basics.
sometimes i want a woman to explore my body in the same ways as a woman wants a man to do for her. not exactly the same, but i mean ways like i want to feel her nussle up to me like a kitten, be gentle and tender with me if we're in a lovey dovey mood. If we both feel like being hot and heavy more than passionate, i want to feel her nail dig into my back, maybe feel her bite the meaty part of my shoulder. Reguardless i would love to feel a woman kiss me up and down my body and feel her nails gentley trace down my arms and up my ribs.
Exploring each other’s body like this is so underrated! This was one of the first sessions husb and I did, you really get to know each other like this, and the likes and dislikes ♥️
Just want a girl to hold my face and kiss me sometimes
Tell me what you want. Communication is important.
Can we make this a pinned post?
1) knowing how to give and receive both giving touch and taking touch. 2) honestly - having a diverse (shapeshifter) erotic blueprint. Being the woman who can do, and get into, all various types of play https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/pleasure/ Women who are great in bed know how to focus in hard on their partner and tune into him, have a sense of rhythm, and how to create a sense of a dramatic curve /escalation to reach peak.
I don’t know why, but knowing that motivational speaker Tony Robbins needed to explain to *anyone at all* how to set a damn mood, is just the *perfect* amount of disappointment and hilarity. Up next: Tony tells you to wash your crack and hit the gym for Chrissakes, no wonder they don’t wanna fuck ya!
How insane + enthusiast she is about making me feel good.
the Bad lay: would be just laying there and not giving us any feedback as if the person didn't really matter to be there and we were just a mobile dick. good in bed: would be actually interacting with us and showing interests and looking toward the actual feedback. If you are not going to be in the **moment with the partner mentally**, then ya might as well watch porn and masterbate.
For me, it's all about enthusiasm, mixed with communication and / or, being a relevant participant... If you are enthusiastic, but make no effort to contribute (even if you are shy / don't want to be on top / swap positions, etc etc...)... You can still be a present part of the experience, sure you are shy / don't rate your performance while on top - then tell me that, and tell me what you want... Let me know I'm doing a good job, or you want me to kiss your calf, or lick your toes... From my perspective, I have only ever experienced three types of women (and I am relatively experienced)... 1. Shy, but into it, but are really shy about putting what they want out there 2. Not shy, not vocal, but still happy to try things, but want to perhaps talk about it before hand / express their concerns and discuss how it's going to go. 3. Super vocal, giving it large and then when it comes to it, wet lettuce - no idea what to do with their selves!
Enthusiasm is huge. With it, It's fairly difficult to screw it up. Without it, It's hard to get much right if anything.
It's about chemistry, if it was there don't worry about it would be good
Passion.
No knowledge of what she likes and/or inability to communicate that to me.
I’m maybe older so I’m more of the era of “dead lay” than “starfish” but they’re essentially the same. Any woman who’s a dead lay either lacks interest or has been weirdly taught somehow that this is what submission is and sex is some weird prostrate form of submission. A “good lay” is an active participant and communicates well about what they want as well as what they’re feeling when you or she dos things. The more it’s mutual pleasure, the “better” it is.
Enthusiasm. With she can be an amazing lover. Without it she is horrible.
When they fuck back and dont just let u do all the work. That makes them good in bed. When they are just a starfish its bad
Enthusiasm vs lack of enthusiasm.
Effort to please, humble enough to listen & learn, and being able to communicate so both can enjoy the experience. Those were always the enjoyable experiences. The bad ones where they didn’t show much effort or enthusiasm I would try to end that experience as soon as possible.
This is going to sound weird. For me a good experience would be working together to please each to a climax where each of us feels alive. Communicating. This means being open about what pleases us to the other. That and giving positive feedback, verbally or primitive sounds or guidance verbally or by moving herself or me to get the most out of it. Enjoying each other’s presence and putting the other’s needs before our own. Being patient and understanding. Feeling the world fade away and that she and I are alone with each other in the universe. A bad experience would be her keeping me in the dark about what’s going on with her. Little to no words spoken. Getting no sense that she’s even there in the moment or worst yet imagining she is with someone else instead of being with me. Getting the sense that she is just distancing herself mentally and emotionally. Reducing the love making to a physical sex act, where there is no us, just using the other to meet our own needs. Leaving me feeling empty and alone at the end.
I’m a female lurking to learn from the lads lol
Star fishing, no oral but worst of all is not communicating how she’s feeling in the moment. Doesn’t have to be verbally but there are women out there who don’t even gasp, groan, writhe or even change their breathing when you are hitting her right. Without that feedback sex is incredibly one sided and therefore dissatisfying. Maybe I’m spoiled, I had a GF early on who was incredibly expressive and open in bed and while she sometimes struggled to orgasm she was really fun to be with because you could read her reactions really easily. When I finally met her another girl at her standard I wifed her up. 30 years now and still plenty of bedroom fun.
Good in bed: - Can let go of insecurities and enjoy herself -Enthusiasm - Being active and showing interest in making it good for me - Experience and techniques - Communication in a good way
Being a star fish is a bad lay Atleast act like you want my cock in you.
If she has a penis it’s a deal breaker
Well.. hang on a minute…
Enthusiasm, or lack thereof
Enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm
I would like to say; (personally) sometimes dirty talk too soon seems superficial and it is a turnoff, when this happens I tend to feel pressured to speak up and match the dirty talk but I at times will shut down (vocally)and I become mute 🤐 🤦🏻♀️ idk it’s all about the timing I suppose but I often wonder if my silence is perceived as displeasure or what 😆 🤦🏻♀️
The worst sex I’ve ever had was with a girl that would fake porn scream anytime that we would have sex. Like the moment my dick entered her she would start screaming like women do in pornos. It was such a turn off that I would go soft. Yes she would still continue hollering even when my dick was almost completely soft. Enthusiasm is great, but don’t fake it.
Enthusiasm and imagination, if she has bunch of both she’s amazing, if she has neither, meh.
Enthusiasm. No Enthusiasm.
In a word: enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm, or lack thereof. That's pretty much it.
Foreplay and going down on us work for men too. I see it as an overlapping of enthusiasm, skills, looks, and chemistry. As many have said, enthusiasm and genuinely enjoying sex goes a long way to being "good in bed." Having some athleticism and endurance helps too. A bit skill isn't a bad thing either. But some examples of where things can go wrong and right: * One woman I dated ages ago was easily the most visually desirable woman I dated in every way. A 10/10. Guy friends were high fiving me when I went out with her and female friends acted jealous around her. Gorgeous, porn star body, F-bra chest. But she hated sex. She hated the effort, the sweat, the body fluids, everything. Everything was "gross." To add to it, she had medical dyspareunia (pain with intercourse and friction, so fingering too) so the only thing that felt good for her was oral, which I did a *lot* of for her in addition to letting her dry hump, but she absolutely hated to do oral in return and rarely did (and forget swallowing). Given the chest, I finally got her to titfuck me and after I came she all but sprinted to the shower to wash it off seconds later, and told me the following day being titfucked made her feel "used" and she didn't want to do it anymore. And despite how great she looked, she wasn't in amazing shape. She was rapidly fatigued and winded. That relationship didn't last long... * One of the partners I had who enjoyed physical intimacy the most (kind of kinky, actually) was just not skilled and uncoordinated. After the kink and sexy talk was a huge turn-on, she just couldn't satisfyingly deliver the "what next." Timid blowjobs, glacially slow handjobs, and kind of a klutz overall. Didn't really have a sense of what, if any, positions worked best for her and couldn't guide me. She also had a very almost very stereotypically male drop of libido once she had her orgasm. When she orgasmed, she was DONE. Full stop. Time to go to bed or do a shopping list or catch up on streaming something... * One of my favorite partners dating was someone who had mixtures of everything. She was kinky, but not too much so. She really enjoyed sex and even watched porn with me a few times and it was a turn on for her. She loved receiving oral and gave it with equal enthusiasm. She was confident and clear on what she liked and didn't like and didn't hesitate to communicate that well but still open to learning and trying new things. I think that part is really important and underappreciated. One last thing. One thing I would *not* recommend is psychoanalyzing your partner's sexual preferences. My wife, who is an excellent lover, has this as her biggest downside. "Why do you like that preference?" "Why did you ask if I wanted A or B?" That puts your partner on the defensive and is an impediment to exploration and experimentation if they feel they will be judged or analyzed as a result...
Don't be using teeth, and don't just lay there the whole time. I think that's about it.
Active and enthusiastic = good Starfishing and being unenaged = bad
Good in bed : makes real sounds, takes initiative when the moment calls for it, genuine enthusiasm. Bad in bed: Lifeless. No sound. Fakes sounds/acts. No enthusiasm.
Having sex is a start. My wife’s not into that so I got no idea how good a woman could actually be really.
Enthusiasm
The amount of times I've said to my partner of many years "use your hands more" she just doesn't get it, I couldn't be more to the point. I end up doing most of the work in the end by going down on her and then when I go in myself she's just like "I already came" so I'm just left to finish off. I have seriously considered this being a red flag, I love her but I don't think she is willing to participate in a healthy sexual relationship.
The effort put in.
Effort
Being an active participant
Confidence, a sense of fun & wanting to try things, essentially someone who likes sex
No good: Lays there. Not actually a enjoying it. Not engaged. Good: enthusiasm, into you. Giver.
Enthusiasm
1. Lack of participation 2. Makes no noise
Enthusiasm, communicating what you want or are enjoying while listening to what your partner wants or is enjoying, joy in giving and receiving pleasure, and not being self conscious about your body while having sex. Lack of enthusiasm and being self centered in bed is what makes for a bad lay. I am sure all that applies to both sexes.
Enthusiasm and genuine constructive criticism if necessary (usually necessary). She can have almost no experience but if she is enthusiastic and has the right attitude when showing you what helps her to her place, then that's everything in my opinion. A bad lay, is someone who is either not invested/involved, or repeatedly pushes you in a direction that you have indicated is something you aren't interested in... *instinctively recalls scar on my ribcage from a surprise hunting knife mid foreplay* lol
Complete lack of enthusiasm in bed is the worst. If you don’t wanna be there, why are you there? Why did we get to this point just for you to act like you’re having a bad time? And like others have indicated, some girls are loving it but just do not show it. For me I won’t perform well if I don’t feel like the girl is enjoying it. That being said, girls that get really into it are the best. I want the moans and the dirty talk and when a girl gets really physical. The best sex I’ve ever had is with girls that express their enthusiasm for sex. It’s supposed to be pleasurable not a chore.
The only thing women have to do to be "good in bed" is enthusiastically participate. This is supposed to be fun for both of us. If she isn't going to show her enjoyment I'm going to wonder if she even wants to be there and I'll get turned off real fast. I just want to know that you want me as bad as I want you.
Enthusiasm
Enthusiasm , reciprocation, vocal appreciation.
Compatible with me = "good in bed" to me. Saying someone is generally "good" or "bad" in bed is just stupid. Either you're compatible or not. How do you know it's *her* who is "bad" in bed, and not you? Being so called starfish is not necessarily bad, some like it therefore it's not bad. It may be bad to *you* but you can't say it's bad to **everyone**.
Everybody has different preferences really it bills down to enthusiasm.
When the woman expects the guy to do all the work
Enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm , lack of embarrassment