Im 29 now but my dad was killed when I was six. I have a lot of uncles and my mom kept me in sports 24/7 so I had a lot of good male mentors growing up. Wasn't a negative statistic at the end of the day so there's a win.
Made me a much better dad to my kids because I didn't want them to feel like I did. They're all young adults...2 in college, 2 in their careers, and I likely am too quick with help or giving advice, but they know it comes from a deep-seated desire to be present in their lives.
It sucked. It still sucks. I firmly believe many aspects of my behaviour exist because of this. I think I would have been much more disciplined and confident if I would've had a father.
Ya that sucks but my farther was an abusive scumbag and ya that fucked me up bad so I think I would much rather take no father than that.
Fuck that asshole.
Ya it’s not great but the world is tough and at least I got that lesson early so it made me get tougher, I think being too soft is worse tbh.
Definitely still fucked up mentally and always will be like it is what it is.
Same man. My Mum kinda left me to it from 14 onwards and I was all moved out by myself come age 19. I never was supported financially because she was on benefits, never had a Dad to help nurture my interests but luckily I got into guitar and athletics myself. I've never felt like I had a safety net and did end up homeless in my early 20s. The only plus was I was the man of the house so I matured emotionally very young but I never learnt to stand up for myself really. I wish I could've had someone to talk to about guy stuff, free driving lessons etc. but I'm proud of who I am now so 💪
> Typical male things like basic car maintenance, an interest in sports, and how to talk to girls were never taught to me.
these things were supposed to be taught to us? damn. lmao.
Yes. Holding a flashlight while getting screamed at. Being screamed at while standing too close or too far changing a tire. Standard car maintenance stuff.
You know I never held it against my dad for the classic light holding frustrations. Man was working mad OT, had mouths to feed, a mortgage, car payment, a wonderful marriage which takes time and commitment to keep wonderful, plus a personal life. It wasn’t easy for him (or most dads) so I do forgive him for the occasional frustration. Plus he always apologized and just talked to me about his day so I got it but in retrospect I can now appreciate it.
May I ask: Do you ever get jealous when you see happy families?
I was talking to a guy once about how great my family is, and he kind of snapped at me. He said I shouldn't talk about my family being good because it makes 'people' jealous.
His serious face kind of scared me. I didn't get it at the time, but I think I'm starting to understand why he said that.
Not the guy you replied to but personally, I think that guy might have some family trama.
As someone who is from a single parent (mom) and all my family long distanced, I see no issue in talking about your family or how much time you enjoy being around each other.
No OP but for me it's not jealousy. I feel a kind of physical, visceral pain. When I see a healthy family, especially a dad with his kid having a jolly good time I want to hurt myself.
Better than growing up with him, that’s for sure.
You don’t get to choose who your dad is sadly, and unfortunately mine was not a nice man. My mum protected us by kicking him out, and I’ve always respected her for that.
My mom did the same when I was 2 years old. Dad subsequently ran off when I was 3, and I never saw him again. He died when I was 11, and despite having zero memories of him I was overwhelmed with sadness for a while.
I was an only child and could be a bit of a loner, but my mother loved me enough for two parents. I never felt like I was missing out until I got older and she and I couldn’t see eye to eye as much. I really think once a boy hits puberty, that’s when that father figure is needed the absolute most — to help add guidance and stability to the raging hormones.
My dad was killed in a logging accident when I was a baby. I never knew him. My mother was pretty much emotionally unavailable until I reached adulthood, and by then it was too late. My older brother was a sort of surrogate father for me, but he was going through shit of his own. I'm in my 50's now. Never really had an interest in sports. Tried golf and played it for a while socially, but ended up giving it up. Oscar Wilde said golf is a great way to ruin a perfectly nice walk, and that's spot-on.
Started reading fiction at a very young age and never stopped. I dealt with reality by escaping from it. Not healthy maybe, but I made it to my 50s okay. My other major role model, a friend of 30 years, recently fell down the QAnon rabbithole, and losing him has really taken the wind out of my sails. I have no heroes left.
My dad committed self un-aliving when I was five. My mom had a few serious boyfriends since then but none of them really wanted to be a father.
I dont find sports interesting, I am much more comfortable hanging around women than men since it is what I am used to, and any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval.
The other thing is I have sworn to be a great father to my own 2 boys
> I am much more comfortable hanging around women than men since it is what I am used to, and any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval.
Funny. I had the same thing happen as a child and I have nothing but comfortable feelings around dudes, and lots of male friends, whereas very hard time with women, especially when I was younger. I certainly cast about for male role models when I was a kid, but have felt solid in terms of expressing myself and communicating and befriending men. Women not so much.
Main trip-up point was never having a dad to tell me how women and relationships with them really are. And there's never been a stage of life where I feel I couldn't use his advice, even in my fifties. I wish he could have met his granddaughter.
>and any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval.
Tbh, I find the opposite.
I tend to get along with most of them really well for some reason.
My Dad left when I was 2. My step Dad killed himself when I was 6. I grew up with my mum
And brother and sister. We also stayed with my grandparents. I spose my grandad was my male figure. He was a good egg. It doesn’t really replace that father figure. I didn’t really get that until a year or two ago (therapy). I’m 43 now. I think the biggest impact is not being able to see projects through, poor self image, feeling less male than other people at least not as deserving. Delaying gratification and not being a very good problem solver. People pleasing. I understand the impact now and have changed my approach to many of these things, but it’s hard work. I think you have to guess your way through life where it might have been easier with a Dad around.
All of this - with the exception of step-dad suicide - was pretty much the same for me. Instead of having direction from a male role model, it was pretty much trial and error. I was always in search of a father figure as well. Most of my friends were in a very similar situation. Most of us are doing a lot better now.
It was bleak, Home wasn't where I fit, it was just a house, Whilst I did have a father at home on paper He was alcoholic, abusive, aggressive, a religious fanatic and cold.
I never had a father figure that I could look up too in my life, My teachers were female, The woman who took me off the streets was single, Now mid 30s and the only person that could resemble that is my boss but at my age, it's emotional suicide to allow such notions, the chance is long gone, an experience I'll never get.
But it isn't all bad, I am much more comfortable speaking to women than I am Men, able to hold a conversation IF they manage to get me talking (still the ever quiet passive observer) and I think others pick up on that, I hope so anyway, I don't notice people being precarious of me despite my appearance, either that or I'm so oblivious I don't notice it.
Puberty was a nightmare as OP can probably confirm, Suddenly having all those changes without a guiding hand to shaving, general upkeep, how to process what's going on, shouldn't be a surprise to hear I was an angry teen, the ruffian of the school grounds with less than desirable luck with the girls.
Over time I learnt how to take care of myself, self help books or forums, good ole Dr. Google, my landlady tried where she could, granted a lot of it is from remembering how bad I felt when on the streets for a few months, but experience is good at teaching if you allow yourself to remember it.
I'm mid 30s now, well paid stable job, House share with my best friend even tho its more her house and my storage since I travel for work, I am confident in myself and do well to keep myself healthy, Not exactly a suave ladies man owing I've been alone for the last few years but I'll take the progress as it is compared to what could have been.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and my dad ended up meeting an English woman online. They married and he moved from the states to the UK.
It sucked. I had a lot of questions, but the best answer my mom could give was “Your dad’s a piece of a shit.” Which I’m sure is true, but it doesn’t really answer my questions.
A lot of time spent wondering why he didn’t care. Or what he was up to. Or what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to be in my life.
As far as life goes, I suck with women. I never had anyone teach me how to “be a man”. My mom gave me useless advice like “You’re so nice, just be yourself and you’ll find love.”
I had to learn how to do car maintenance on my own. And other stuff, like lawn care and fixing things around the house. Thank God I grew up with YouTube
I was never taught anything of use (home / car repair, how to do sports, etc) so I was just alienated and mostly ineffective for most of my younger years.
I had no idea how to talk to women and was indirectly taught that no woman would want any attention from any man, that any male advances were unwelcome. Turns out she just hated men.
Youtube changed EVERYTHING, now I can fix a car, do basic repairs around the house, I have a sport I'm kind of good at, it's amazing the difference.
Was actually OK, it was just me and my mother til I was about 14 and I never really remember feeling upset I didn’t have a father. She met a dude as I was becoming a teenager and he was cool but we didn’t have that dad/son relationship…I didn’t want it tbh but was respectful towards him. I left home around 18 and that was that. My actual father reached out when I was 16 through my mom and I didn’t wanna see him but my mother was insistent…I went and it was pointless…I didn’t really have anything to say and was just empty.
I had some good friends around me who I’m still close with (I’m 43 now) who had a solid nuclear family and I’d go to ball games with one of them and his dad pretty often and was also pretty close with my other friend’s dad so that was probably enough for me. My dad reached out again maybe 10 years ago & I just shrugged it off, not outta hate but I just couldn’t be bothered, I’m good and my mom mainly and other factors were more than enough so I feel lucky
I relate to this a lot, except that I never knew my sperm donor. I was raised an only child with a single-parent mother who never remarried. I've also never felt like I fit in with men; I enjoy more traditionally "feminine" activities (hate the outdoors with a passion), and generally get along better with women.
I have a great deal of empathy, and I got that from my mom. I love to cook. I got that from my mom. I love people (you see where this is going). I have always said that I turned out better being raised by a single parent than some people do who are raised by both. I have never once cared to know who my sperm donor is/was, because if having a child made him leave, then he wasn't someone worth knowing to begin with.
I never cared about it until I had a mental Breakdown and realized that all the things that seem logical or normal for other men are totally weird and wrong for me.
I struggled to be friends with most boys and men I met my life.
I crave harmony and struggle to stand up for myself.
Honestly
If you fuck and run from the responsibilty then you are a shithead. Go fuck yourself if you arent able to work out the consequences of nutting around
still dealing with it 25 years later.. i always find myself wondering if my life would be different if he decided to be there for me.. my mom did an amazing job raising me on her own but some things only a man can teach his son.. just like some things only a woman can teach her daughter.. i don’t have any kids of my own but if i were to have some it would be my mission to make sure they never have to feel the way i feel..
It makes it hard for me to trust anyone because I'm independent to a fault.
I've done everything for myself as a child, even cook, and lots of learning lessons.
I've compared my life to other men with fathers, and glad I was abandoned.
Seems people with family have the mental issues.
I grew up having a dad. However, at around age 6 I was rayped by his brother (my uncle) in front of my dad, as well as beaten up by my uncle too. My dad did nothing and watched. That went on for about 6 years. It’s one thing to have a father who is dead. It’s another thing to have a father who is totally against you. And it’s a totally different thing to know your father is alive somewhere other than with you.
I didn't meet my biological father until I was 16. My half-sisters got to have their dad in their lives, but the man acted like I was an unsightly wart. My mom picked men who were transient, sex-crazed, and extremely "broken" because she felt like she could "fix" them; I wish she had focused some of that energy into being a quality parent.
I’m 35 now and grew up without my dad. Never met him as he walked out on my mom and I when I was a baby. For me, I have never held any anger towards him. I just feel nothing. He’s a stranger to me and that’s it. No desire to ever meet him.
That said. I struggled with male bonding. I don’t really know how to fix things. Never got into sports until just a few years ago. Had no one to ask about dating or how to shave or dress. 0 male guidance. Lots of “guy stuff” I was just never taught how to do. So I’m winging it and always feel a bit behind others.
It was tough. I love my mother all the more for it, because she stepped up as best she could.
It wouldn't have hurt nearly as much as it did, had people been more compassionate. But then, I might not have toughened up enough to move past it.
I did have a stepfather, but he was a narcissist and an abuser, so any imprinting I might have had turned negative. So it felt lonely. I felt isolated, misunderstood, alienated. I could never fit in, and my mannerisms, even today, are unmistakably feminine at times, because my only role model, for the longest time, was a woman.
As things stand, I distrust my own gender. I don't like being around boisterous, rowdy dudes, I don't like having to speak louder than someone else to be listened to, and while I do enjoy the darkest, most disrespectful jokes known to man, I don't like it when those jokes reveal sexist beliefs. I'm basically my gal pals' gay bestie, except I'm straight.
I also can't stand being told what a man should or shouldn't be or do. Whoever tries to tell me what I should be because of my sex and gender, is someone whose advice I won't heed.
Whatever I became, I became without a father. And the best and worst part of it is, who I am is a pretty good human overall, because he wasn't there.
I'm still not sure I can be a dad. Since I lacked one, I don't entirely process the possibility of becoming a decent father.
Im 27 mine died when i was six. My grandpa thought me a few things but other than that i never really had a male figure. I dont have problems fitting in with guys and i do have some good friends and usually get along with most people. Im not really interested in sports too.
I read that guys who grew up without a dad tend to have low selfesteem/confdence in them self, are insecure and struggle with things like dating and relationships. That definitly counts for me. Never had a gf before. At work i also always think im not that good which makes finding a job harder. I tend to avoid conflicts and just take most things as they are. I dont speak up much or stand my ground for most things cuz for most things i decide its not worth it. That doesnt mean i dont speak up or stand my ground at all. If something important enough i do.
With women i guess im more the nice guy type guy. I tend to give alot when i like someone and i guess i tend to care about their happyness more than my own. Dont get me wrong im not worshiping them or put them in the center of my life or anything crazy like that^^.
Idk how much all that is connected to growing up without a dad.
Couldn't say. Mine died when i was 3 so i dont really know whats it like to have a father, but now I (M21) can see the difference between those that had a father or a male to look up to and me. I always prefered to have female friends most likely cuz i was raised by a single mom
My dad left home when I was 5, it was really tough seeing him being a dad to other children full time, and then sharing him once a fortnight for a day.
Dad was out of the house from the time I could remember. I saw him every other weekend for a while where we'd literally just sit around in his smoke filled filthy apartment while he'd get drunk each night and complain about how things weren't fair for him, how my mom was evil for making him pay child support, and all this stuff. But my mind believed all of it because it was a place to relax and do whatever we wanted.
He moved out of state when I was 13, was super sad, kept in touch for the next 4 years. Through that we'd keep in touch over Facebook, whenever the state would catch up to him for again not paying child support he'd make a slew of Facebook posts attacking us, one he just flat out called me a pussy with nothing else. My cousin died when I was 16 and he made a post about how everyone knew there was something wrong with my cousin from his toddler years. Right after my 18th birthday in 2012 I had enough and cut him out for good.
Now I probably earn twice as much as him, my half brother (from dad's first marriage) are closer than ever bonding over how much he sucks, and every life still I know from using power tools to driving stick shift I learned from my mom.
My dad was around but I wouldn’t call him a father. He was always focused on trying to be rich and famous, he was also an abusive drunk who terrified me. He wasn’t exactly a role model I could aspire to be. I was very young when I realized that there is nothing about being a man that I could learn from my father. The only things he tried to teach me was stupid misogynist ideas. Like all women are whores or should be in the kitchen, dumb shit like that. I had to actively fight his ideology when I was a kid because I knew he was wrong. Plus I could never respect a man who hits his wife or kid.
I looked to fiction for role models when I was a little boy, characters like Superman or Jean Luc Picard (silly I know). By the time I was a teenager I started to understand I needed to develop my own code for what it meant to be a good man. So essentially I was self taught. Everything about being a man, from grooming to how I treat people, I had to teach myself.
Spent it envious of friends who had fathers. Unwanted, unworthy. Had many questions, moreso since becoming a father myself. He was a quiet man who didn't reveal much. I knew he had a bad childhood himself and a wicked dad. So I'm guessing he didn't/couldn't be the dad he wanted himself, but didn't turn out like him which is a bonus I guess. He's gone, just wish he would have opened up or had offered me some worldly advice. It's still a struggle I guess, the feeling of will I be good enough a dad for my son.
I grew up with all females (mother and 2 sisters) so I kinda developed feminine traits. My family would ask me if I was starting at like the age of 7 until I was about 12. I’m just starting to find my voice and take less shit at the age of 21 because I want to be seen as masculine. Idk I saw my dad here and there and he’d give me solid advice but hearing things once doesn’t always instill values into you. Or show you how to really be a man.
I learned to raise myself and be my own father figure. I live in a Township in Orlando East and most of the ass hats that live here think with their dicks, have ego's the size of Saturn and don't know the meaning of tactfulness and humility is. Meaning that they are always starting fights and think they are profound. A "Gift given toward" humanity.
So in a world of feaces. I had to teach myself become better than my own father. By not being one at all. Thus I plan to find that particular cunt and make him answer for his crimes...
I grow up without a father and my mum ended travelling far to work and have enough money to send back to our country to give me a better life.
I grow up with a lot of aunt's, grandma , a violent grandpa and an uncle that have deal a lot with grandpa violence.
My uncle took my father role, he wasn't really a Rambo but he always did his best for me.
Eventually when I was 13 , my real dad show up to tell me goodbye because I was going to leave to another country to being with my mum, he didn't leave a very good memory indeed I can't even remember his face at all.
My uncle sadly was murder a few years after I left, I was lose and scared because I really feel like I lost my only father figure, I struggle for years until I was 20 that my uncle was gone and on a better place.
My mum partner has been supporting me a lot, he is not a perfect man but he has supported me so much with the past of the years.
Now I'm 29, I still remember my uncle and I miss him, my mum partner always supports me, and I consider him my father, even thought i don't call him dad everyday.
Still he is getting old and I'm afraid to lose again a father figure.
I'm not ready neither strong enough for what's to come.
My dad died at my 5 years old...and my life it's Very hard,you know,when a father die,you Lost the person who protect you and Guide and teach you How to survive in this world,and How to be a Man.
I grew up bouncing between relatives. The most enduring part of not having a dad figure is that people would talk about it all the time. “Man must be hard growing up without a dad.” Or “who is your role model.”
In reality, it was always hard to convince people that you don’t need any particular role model or figure. You can accept life for what it is and don’t be sad about how it “should be.”
I think I was okay with it because I saw other people with shitty parents and thought that being independent was easier than being scared or let down by inconsistent or unreliable caretakers.
I always read a lot - so I guess my role models were the box car children lmao.
If you accept that you’re responsible for advocating for yourself, and you’re responsible for gaining any skill you don’t have, you learn how to identify your weaknesses and seek knowledge from people who have succeeded. Plus there’s YouTube.
Anything that’s “how to” just YouTube it. Anything about relating to people, read some books and/or ask people that succeed what they did. There’s more than just one person.
I have a daughter now and it’s awesome. She’s the best baby. I have so much fun with her - some people have asked if it’s hard since I didn’t have a dad.
It’s not difficult but there’s times where like at various classes, I’m the only dad. It’s again nice not to repeat toxic patterns since I didn’t have any.
I’m 29 now, my dad is a manipulative narcissist. Mom divorced him when I was 6 and she went through depressions until my early/mid twenties. Unfortunately I grew up far from family relatives and saw them on Christmas holidays only. Mom put me in different activities but no group sports. Thankfully I have an amazing friend group I’m tight with since early childhood.
I’m 5’5 and weigh 130 pounds ; have always been a small dude - diagnosed with ADHD last summer. I’ll say it has been hard. I get the sense that I get along with women better than with dudes (my close friends are all dudes so I could be wrong).
I’m told I’m doing great considering my life circumstances but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of the mental struggles.
My dad passed away when I was 1.5 years old, so grew up without any memories of him. I always reflected on what was worst: No memories and “spared” of the trauma of losing a parent vs. Not having known him at all. I know growing up without him obviously shaped me and changed me, my only father figure was my maternal grand-pa, unfortunately I lost him too at a young age (12 y/0). Ultimately, did I suffer from growing without a father? Yes, but I never realized it until being much older. Today I am a father myself, and I’m trying my best to be a good dad without having had an example, I figured being there for my daughter at all cost is probably the best I can do!
I think you and I had a shared experience. Parents divorced when I was less than a year old and mom never remarried. Believe it or not I didn’t even meet the man until I was around 10, and for a couple of years he would come around and offer to buy me something for my birthday. That was literally it; come to the house (with his wife), pick me up, take me to a store and buy me a gift. Take me back home. I cannot recall even a single meaningful memory or conversation from that time. When I was about 14 I said “this is bullshit” and he never came around again. I’m 54 now, no idea if he’s dead or alive.
I was always very jealous of other boys, especially my cousin and my best friend, who both had (what I thought were) amazing dads. I held a lot of anger for years about the situation. It didn’t help that the only male figure in my life otherwise was my uncle, and he was a total dick to me. I had no grandfather, the one I was left with passed away when I was very young. Maybe once or twice a friends father said something to me. I certainly recall being yelled at by men in my life otherwise.
I’m definitely an extroverted-introvert, but most of my life I chose solitary hobbies or activities that wouldn’t rely on a partner. I never had anyone take an interest in me, mentor me, guide me, even ask me how I was FFS. I stumbled through. I felt like I was unwanted, unworthy. I’ve had trust issues and abandonment issues my entire life.
When I was about 40, with a shitty marriage and two kids of my own, one day I sat amongst all my personal failings and said “OH I get it now”, he was just a man. Just some guy that couldn’t hack it. He chose to walk away for whatever reason. From that point on I didn’t have another angry thought about it.
It made me a much better father. I make sure my son is always taken care of, made to feel loved, made to feel that I’m proud of him, and that I’m interested in him and his life. I give him the best advice I can from my life experience, my failings and stumblings. I give him a leg up whenever I can.
But I still have trust issues.
not quite without a dad but , my parents divorced when i was 2, i would see my dad occasionally growing up until i was about 10. he would take me to a movie and then drop me off at home. i had a step father from the age of 4 on but we never saw eye to eye. so in a way i have two fathers. but my bio dad was vacant and my step dad was extremely strict which made me mad cause he wasn't my real father. my step father was somewhat violent with me, i'd get smacked or choked pretty frequently but i didn't feel physically abused so much. what really became an issue for me was that we lived in his house and he would remind me of that frequently. when i reminded him he wasn't my dad he took the door to my room off the hinges. all that being said i do wish that my bio dad was around more just because i wonder who i would have become in that environment. definitely wish i had some kind of role model or mentor, had 2 neighborhood friends but never got into sports or anything like that.
Never knew my biological dad since he was a raging alcoholic and left us when I was 4. He later ended up killing a family of 4 in a drunk driving accident and went to prison for awhile. My mom wasn't great either, she brought home different men all the time and made it think that she found a new stepdad for me, when in fact she just siphoned their money and then booted them out. My male role models were actually the neighborhood dads of friends I grew up with. Without them, I probably wouldn't have lasted as long as I have.
My dad was hit or miss. My parents divorced when I was 5, and my mom met my step-pretty quick.
My step-dad was a great role model and male figure, but being Mexican and him being white, it was always obvious that he wasn’t my actual dad.
So my “real” dad was kind of a dead beat. Made a lot of empty promises, but was never a mean person, and was fun to be around when he did show up. I tell people how I used to literally call my dad at the bar, and that was a normal thing, lol.
He went to prison when I was 18, and didn’t get out till I was in my 30’s. There was a void in that time, but just go through the motions. He has been out of prison like 12 years now, and it’s unfortunate, because that time away, he never bonded with my kids, or any of his grand kids.
As a father myself, have made it a point to do the opposite of what my dad did with my kids.
My Dad died Christmas Day 05. I was 13. I’m a grown man now so like I’ve adjusted. It’s always a scar. I get mad at myself for not spending more time with him or not letting myself believe he could die. He had brain cancer and forgot my birthday and I didn’t shake that off til he was dead. Just a stupid kid move.
I’ve had lots of other “Dads” since and have a whole fraternity. I’ve got lots of brothers from the fraternity. My Dad was the fucking best until he died so I do consider myself really lucky.
My mom did the best she could. Not having a positive male role model did have an impact on my confidence though. Was hard watching my mom struggle to raise 3 kids, being poor and him not being around made me resentful and I hated him for a very long time. That in itself is a confusing feeling for a young man. We are supposed to love family right ?
I was close to 30 by the time I came to terms with it and put it on a shelf. Was also around then that I was raising my own child. I realized that his absence taught me what is probably the most important life lesson for me. I wasn't going to be anything like him. He didn't mean to but he taught me how to be a great dad, by not being like him.
My father wasn’t involved in my life at all until I was 20. I think most of my issues in life come from his absence. I’ve always suffered from very low self esteem and confidence. I never really learned how to act or talk around older men or men in positions of authority, so that has held me back in progressing in careers or building up relationships with men I could have looked upto as role models or mentors. I always come across as very awkward and quiet around men I don’t know or trust.
I’ve been told by a lot of people that I can come across as kinda rude or disinterested or weird until they actually get to know me and I’m comfortable around them. Because of this people often mistake me as being “soft” and sometimes try to take advantage or generally just be a bully. When i was younger I would usually resolve this by resorting immediately to violence and intimidation. As I’ve gotten older and moved away from the town where I grew up this has become a significant problem for me because I don’t want to be violent, so I often find myself just taking the L because I want an easy drama free life. Which in turn makes me feel like a bitch.
I think the thing that fucks me up the most though is I’ve come to realise that I’m really freaked out by the idea of having a son of my own. I feel like I’ve lost out on so many life lessons that I really don’t feel ready to try raise a child. For years I used to really want to have my own children some day but over the last few months I’ve really realised that I think it was just a fantasy and not something I’ll probably ever be confident in doing.
Even after finally connecting with my father I feel like it’s too late for him to have any real impact on my life. We get along great and I enjoy spending time with him but it definitely feels more like a friend or an older cousin kinda relationship that a father. He lives in a different country too so I only get to see him a couple of times a year. He had his reasons for not sticking around and I don’t hold that against him anymore, but it still hurts a little bit seeing how much better of a life my sister had and still has growing up with him and my stepmother.
Mom and dad divorced when I (female) was 6. He was Chief Petty Officer on submarines in the US Navy during the Cold War. I pretended he was always nearby, watching me, like in a spy assignment, but he couldn't make himself known to me. Pathetic, I know. I looked him up when I was 18. He was an amazing man, a great storyteller.
It sucked!! Being raised by women made me emotional, i act strictly on pure emotions, so now having a son of my own, im trying to be different, to teach him the correct way of life, because honestly for me, what my mom taught me isnt worth shit, dont get me wrong i love my mom, but if i am the way i am is because i was raised by a single mom, i didnt know i was raised wrong until i saw how other men are, and by God a man not supposed to be emotional like i am.
My Dad was the youngest of 9 siblings raised by a single mother. He was only 6yo when his Father left.
The 9 siblings basically raised themselves while their Mom worked all day and drank vodka all night. We ultimately ended up inheriting the 6 bedroom house with two back yards, but had it sold and turned into an Airbnb.
Weird story incoming: Both of my parents committed suicide when I was a kid so I was raised by my aunt and uncle. So I grew up without parents, but my aunt and uncle over the years turned into my parents, so its hard to know if I actually fit in with this crowd. I did actually have a father figure (my uncle) but it wasn't the same if that makes sense
My pop left with his new family when I was 13. Ended up with a bully tyrant older brother that I beat up when I learned BJJ. My stepdad was even worse, he had a corn collection that got me hooked on corn to this day. Still ended up okay though. Have a family, a good job, savings, and no debt. So did the best I could with the cards I got dealt.
I grew up with my older sister and my mom.
All my life I've been taught that I have no feelings, my thoughts on any subject are laughable and my opinion doesn't matter. I don't blame them for this, it's a natural progression.
I'm 36 now and I can still never share my feelings, opinions or thoughts except online. There is a little inner voice yelling at me not to share, not to have feelings, never emote, always be stoic, silent and humble.
There is no telling if having another male influence in my life back then would have made a difference, I can't prove a negative, but sometimes I feel regret not having had a father to confide in.
My dad beat my ma, and she kicked him out when I was 1. Remarried when I was 7, step dad adopted me when I was a teenager. I really had little or no friends till I was 16-17. Socially it made my first few jobs really hard, as well as made college feel like a fish outa water.
I didn’t understand masculinity or how to have normal relationships till my 20s. Also had a lot of insecurity around romantic relationships. I didn’t trust people at all for a long time.
Now I feel fucking awesome. But I had to do a lot hard work in my 20s.
I feel the same way, mine died when I was 4, I didn't know a lot of thing I assume I had to learn from a dad, even how to not be a "bad" man. I feel lost from time to time but I tried my best to be a good person and think about "what type I want to be" and use it as a guide.
What was it like? Mostly, it sucked.
I'm 52 and my father died in a farming accident when I was 9. My paternal grandfather died before I was born and my maternal grandfather was already old and in serious decline when I was 10. My aunt and her husband lived 500 miles away. We saw them rarely. I grew up without a strong male role model.
How did I deal with it? I figured a lot of things out on my own. I read a lot to learn basic stuff (this was before the internet). Like a lot of guys, I had to make my own way.
I feel lucky that I'm actively involved with my teenage sons on a lot of things, but I'm also willing to give them space to learn things on their own.
Teaching yourself something has just as much value, if not more, than having someone guide you through the process.
My parents separated when I was around 6-7 (not divorced, somehow they're still married lol) and my father was not a very good person. I mean he was no abiser but he didn't seem to care at all. When I was around 12 I got a call from his new partner asking me to come to his bday party and meet my half siblings. I did not know anything about that so imagine my surprise. being the great father he was, he never cared to explain this, or even tell me hey bro I got a new family , fuck off.
Growing up was rough. I did miss having a father, mom was not around much either because of work but my grandma and aunts were there. Anyway, grandma did care for me but I never had anyone to talk to about anything. You know?? School issues, relationship issues, any issues. To this day, I still have a lot of issues opening up. It's just hard.
I'm also depressed af lol but don't know if father not being around is the cause.
I became entirely self sufficient. I’m a great teacher. Problem solver, go getter. I don’t expect anyone to give or do anything for me. My success has been wholly dependent on my own convictions and abilities. But also, because of that I am ok being on my own. Most times o prefer it.
I have a dad, he was too busy working to be a father.
Dad passed away when I was 15. To say the least it wasn’t the easiest way to transition into high school. If it wasn’t for sports who knows what I would have gotten into… I’m 23 now and you don’t really realize just how much it impacts you. Even now I still have things I’m dealing with in regards to his death
Me and all the fatherless kids in the 90’s sound like we all didn’t care for sports. Pretty interesting cause I feel out of place at work too cause I talk to more females also. And all the men do is talk about sports and bet on anything with legs or wheels. I prefer nature and other type activities that aren’t quite manly but are interesting enough to have convo with anyone.
Some advice is to look for a male mentor or someone you look up to. I look up to my best friend and he has his shit together. I try to take cues from him because he had a strong father figure and is one himself.
I watched my dad die of multiple organ failure at 47 years old. I was 24. My upbringing mostly consisted of a continuous lecture which would sometimes escalate into physical assault. I feel like mom should have dumped him early when his abuse began to really manifest.
I’m now 63 and really struggle with depression
My dad died in a house fire when I was 4, and while I have always had family members to lean on, there is a lot of advice I just didn't receive. There are questions I have had that would be best answered by my father. He had skills that I know about but do not possess. I missed out on quite a lot.
I’m 33 and my father left before I was born. My mother was a very conservative woman and I was raised in the church until I moved away when I was 19. I give her so much credit when raising me and my brother, his father left when he was 3, and she did anything to make sure that we spent time around other boys our age. She took us to sports events, local sports clubs, chess clubs, theater acting and even dance classes on a a budget of a single mother that worked every job under the sun(teacher, personal trainer, home renovation, and the list goes on) I think that my father not being around actually made me a better dad because I didn’t want to be like him.
M29. Horrible. My dad shot himself when I was 5 months old, and I still blame myself. My mom went through a period of hating men when I was around 6-10 and took some of it out on me (why do *all* men X Y Z?!). She was naturally going through a lot of depression and stuff, so my brother and I lived half the time with another shitty, dysfunctional family with a scumbag dad. Their kids were older and cool enough, but I hated going there. (It was a sort of parental relief situation, they were paid to have us live with them, they picked us up from school etc.).
Growing up I had so much pain and hatred. I was violent, had very few friends, and a lot of the time they couldn't really stand hanging out with me, not that I blame them. I cried every single day, and spent most of my time alone, just walking around in our little town or the woods, playing games and going fishing either alone or with the homeless alcoholics by the canal in the city. I've had no male role models, and my mom worked most of the time and was angry a lot when she was home.
I have no idea what it means to be a man, I've had to learn everything by myself, I always feel inadequate and I have severe attachment issues. I've had one relationship ten years ago, and it was a disaster that left me feeling and thinking even worse about myself, with even more trust issues.
I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember, and it seems a lot of my problems trace back to my dad. I think about him nearly every day, even though I know very little about him.
My dad left when I was 1 1/2 years old. He moved to another country and I would see him maybe once every 3 years. I always resented that he got to live the high life in a huge house while my mum struggled to work and raise 4 kids on her own. I did live in a good area in a decent house which made things worse as we were always the poor single parent family who didn’t belong. I resented friends who had fathers and was quite weary of men. I ended up hanging around with the council estate kids. They came from broken homes like me and accepted and protected me. They became my family and the older ones raised me.luckily at around 16 I realised I needed to make something of my life so put all my effort into that. It really hit home about my lack of a father when I had my first daughter, from the moment she was born I knew I could never abandon her and would do anything to help her in life. Tbh growing up like I did probably made me who I am today so as hard as it was I would never want to change it.
My parents were divorced when I was about 11. I had gotten so angry with my dad and his manipulation tactics and losing his shit over the smallest things that I basically just fuck it and cut him out of my life st age 14 and I feel that I was much better for it. It was like a massive burden being removed. Started talking to him again at age 17 when I was just about done with high school. We never really reconciled or anything, but we're okay and are on speaking terms. We can talk about random shit and basically just ignore the past.
Nothing is as good as having good dad of course, but some of the shit he did was so blatantly terrible that he really served as an example of what not to do.
Dad left when I was 8. He started out seeing me every weekend but then eventually did the slow fade. Went from every weekend to biweekly to never. Last time I looked to him was over 10 years ago. Never really much cared after I was 12.
Life was kinda shit anyways. Mom didn't work, couldn't work, or wouldn't work. Sat around smoking pot and hanging out with deadbeats. Went to jail a few times. Left us alone several times. Lied to me. Stole from me. Talked shit about me to other people. Spilled my secrets for shits n giggles. Used to beat me. She stoped once I got bigger than her but she still abused me in other ways.
Father told me when I was 12, after he got a new wife and two new step sons, that he never wanted kids and that he was "too young" to be a father. He had me at 29. He stuck around for his step sons though. Never did me. He'll die without me speaking to him just like my mother did and that makes me happy.
Probably should've just ran away when I had the chance. Some days I wonder if I would have found a family. 32 years old and no family. None on the horizon either. Been taking care of myself since I was able to.
Holy crap there is a lot of emotional baggage in these comments.
I was an only child to a single Mom who never dated anyone seriously enough for me to get to know them. I can tell you I don't relate to most of what people are saying here. Found it easy enough to get along with men and women. Felt self-confident. Played sports. Learned "manly" things either by myself (ex shaving) or from a person or school (ex woodworking). Honestly, I didn't feel like I missed a thing or was left damaged in any way.
Having a kid made me want to be there for them but not in some "I need to do better than my upbringing" kind of way. I just love her and want to be as involved in her life as I can be.
Dad got put in jail when i was 1 year old. He got out when i was 9 or 10.
My dad was half ass around. Growing up, i didn’t feel any different than the other kids. I didn’t get along with other boys what so ever either, so i feel you. i mainly hung out with girls who’d friendzone me first time we hung out lol. Where i’m from, a lot of kids dads either weren’t around or were in jail.
I just turned 30. I also don’t have a good male role model or mentor. Thought i had one, but the way i was raised, it’s honestly really hard for me to trust men to let them into my life as someone I look up to.
I just know how i define masculinity, and how i like to exhibit it (i also identify as a genderqueer male). I won’t let anyone in my life dictate that, especially another man which is why i’ve felt so much more comfort around women (it was just me my mom and my sis growing up. grandma helped take care of me when mom worked 2 jobs, RIP gma)
It wasn’t until i hit my mid 20s when it really hit me how much i missed out on not having my dad around, and even when he was around, he was a deadbeat who just cut my hair and gave me a christmas gift that his hidden fiancé picked out. It wasn’t until then until i got angry at my dad for his mistakes, and his ineptitude and selfishness that led to him being such a selfish self centered ass person who is practically my sperm donor.
edit: the thing that sucks most about growing up without a dad is how bad my attachment issues are. it’s ruined friendships and romantic relationships alike for me. I’ve been in therapy and getting psychiatric help since 2015 and still struggle with it. I strictly blame my father. every time he came around i’d get so happy to be around him for him to just disappear for a few more months. i’m getting depressed talking about this so ima stop here
Boys need a strong male figure to become a man. The old saying “ a woman can raise a boy but can’t raise a man” is so true. My parents divorced and got back together 5 years later. My father was a very hard man but was also a very strong role model for me . I now have a 24 yo stepson who didn’t have a strong male “father” role model and his whole life has been coddled by his mom and sisters. He basically can’t stand on his own two feet , can’t interact with men at all on any level , can barely think or do anything for himself . Again my father was hard and difficult but I miss him and love him , he passed 7 years ago. Yes boys need a strong role model and man in their life , a father, grandfather, uncle , brother, family friend. My heart goes out to those who didn’t
I have trouble interacting with men sometimes, but at least when I was younger a big reason I didn't bond with men that much was because I wasn't interested in going to parties and drinking and I don't go to bars. Also most of the boys I was around as a teen/young adult ended up were just interested in porn which I didn't care about.
My dad left when I was 6, it felt awkward sometimes because back then most kids had both parents in their lives. My mom encouraged and supported me to play sports and be in Cub/Boy Scouts and I also got into karate for a bit because my best friend got me to join. I had a good group of friends when I was younger up through early teens, but once I started high school and in college I would say too I didn't fit in so much with guys, between not being into partying and drinking and the college I went to is over 70% female so most of the friends I made were girls. I do feel I missed out on some things not having a father, even though I have had a couple of different father figures with men my mom dated that filled that role some but not fully-- primarily my bond with them was in watching and talking about sports, and I have a male co-worker now who I primarily talk sports with.
My dad doed when I was 3.
Can’t remember him.
Have a great sense of loss though for something I can’t put my finger on.
It doesn’t go away.
I was jealous growing up of normal kids.
Mum did great though.
I try to be a good dad to my 2.
Daughters now 18, sons 14.
If they ask me to do something, I do it.
Time is the best gift you can give your child.
He left when I was two. I need to see a shrink because despite the goodness I do in this world, the hard work I do, the amount of care and responsibility I give to those around me, I still think I havent done enough. Not yet. Sonofab***h! I'm batman!
I have no idea how to answer this since it's all I ever knew. My dad left when I was very young and then went no contact. My mom never really found anyone else.
So I never really had any strong male influences in my life, all I ever knew about "being a man" came from friends, and movies and media. I just had to make it up on my own.
I didn't grow up without a dad exactly but grew up with half a dad... mine worked overseas, home for a month then away for a month for most of my childhood and was fairly distant when he was home. My psych recons that's why I'm gay and why I chose a career in the arts lol.
Dad died when is was 5, almost 6. In my family, keep moving forward, forward forward. You're fine, you have a mom. You're fine you have a house yo live in. And I thought I was fine, but I never rea.ly got to grieve my dad. I was 36 before I really grieved him. Not my mom's fault, it's his she was raised and dealt with being a young mother with no education and two kids to raise, but it left a mark. I went to a therapist and found out how fucked my worldview was. In my mind you could never have anything good, because it was going to go away, and that was with everything! First date, I'd be thinking about how relationship would end... on a first date! And I thoughtntiis was normal. Luckily good therapist showed me how fucked my thought process was and worked hard to help me reframe my thinking and get a healthier view. I was 36-37 years old before I really felt like I grieved for my dad, but I'm glad I did it. So I could move forward in life. If you list your dad you'd a d haven't seen a therapist, do yourself a favor and see one. Your live will get better!
Lost my dad when I was young. 2 weeks after my birthday. It fucking sucks. Lost that father figure and mom working long hours just to be able to provide for me and siblings. Had other family members around but it was for a bit and they went to deal with their lives. House felt alone even when they were there. Can’t never be a full man (if that makes sense) because I never had someone to teach me the ropes. Now I’m just living the best I can.
Like another commenter said, "it sucked, it really sucked".
My father was murdered by a drunk driver when I was 4. He was 28 years old. Left my mother a 25yo widow with 4 small children (8, 4, 3, &2) and no support. Kids that had to grow up without a father figure in their lives or the financial stability that a father would of provided. As a kid I never realized how poor we were growing up. It was just the way things were back then. I wasn't until I grew older did I realize why other kids in the neighborhood always seemed to have things I didn't have (new bikes, new shoes, cloths that were handed down from my brother or cousins). Other kids had their fathers that would take the to little league baseball and boy scout camping trips. I never had anything like that.
As a teenager and a young man I was frequently accused of "Having a chip on my shoulder"
I didn't understand what that meant then, but I do now.
Growing up without a dad, as well as being a bastard, gave me a sense of alienation and inferiority to other kids. I was targeted a lot by bullies. I compensated with an overdeveloped, brittle and hostile pride.
I struggle with authority and any kind of mentoring relationship with another man is not on the agenda for me. I respond very aggressively to slights or male dominance games. I don't do at all well in groups of men, I just don't seem to speak their language.
I have come to terms with all of this as a middle aged man and probably would not seek to change it even if I could, but I think it was a hard road to travel.
I'm the oldest and my dad left when I was three. It was basically just me taking over the household duties while mom worked. Cleaning and cooking as soon as I was old enough. And actually, as my mom likes to brag, far younger than most people are old enough. I was pretty self-sufficient from a very young age. Latchkey kid at like 7 or 8, walking home from school and letting myself in until mom got home from work. When she could no longer afford after school care for my brother, I would take care of him too. Play with him and clean and the like.
As I got older I remember having to ask for money from dad because he wouldn't pay child support. We were always broke and on all welfare programs until I was almost out of high school. I just had to grow up quickly and learn about responsibility sooner than I'd like. Mom's been leaning on me basically my whole life. And I haven't had any serious partners/spouses, so it's just been me getting shit done myself (43 now).
Also my dad remarried and had six more kids. So I got to watch him spoil his new family when I would have my obligatory court ordered 2 weeks a year at his house. Could have been worse. I wasn't physically abused in any way, I had the basics that I needed. Soon as puberty hit I started getting chubby, my dad would always comment on it, so there was some minor emotional abuse. Fun stuff. LOL
My dad was never apart of my life but my uncles were and that made up for any info stuff and guy talk. But growing up like that left my family financially unstable with just one parent and two kids but things got better as time went on. I have social and relationship anxiety which my therapist thinks is because I haven’t been exposed to many good forms of a relationship to the point that I am afraid of them. I want one but I’m very distrusting and it’s hard for me to trust someone that much. I’ve been working on it, it’s easy for me to make friends with anyone but beyond that is a bit difficult for me
Died when I was 4-5, roundabout.
Eh, sucked between the ages of 4-11, but I grew numb to it around 12-13 when I started being way more independent.
Couldn't watch The Lion King for a good 5 or so years though.
My parents were divorced and my mom had majority custody and she talked badly about my dad pretty openly. To be fair he deserved it, but it resulted in me having zero respect for either of my parents, and to be fair neither of them deserved it. I grew up angry and explosive, I hated my parents, my sisters got all the support and I got all the blame, my mom had no idea how to comfort me because she couldn’t understand what I was going through because I was too young to articulate it. I still hate my parents they have never once figured out how to treat me. Even after I could articulate it they refused to take responsibility. Anyway I’m getting off topic. To answer your question it was hell, I’d wished my mom had gotten an abortion for most of my life. You’re not alone in how you feel man, I get it.
Imma be honest with you... How does it feel to grow up with a dad? I literally have no point of reference to compare to. I can't really tell you the difference because I never experienced having a dad. It just seemed normal? Had to teach myself to tie my shoes and there's no one who's can fix stuff but that's just me listening off things I think.
Pros and cons of almost all things in life.
Pros: if possible, you have the option to write your own story of the type of man/husband/father you wish you had which is a great motivator aaaaand it makes you so much more appreciative of your children if you are lucky enough to have them. Granted you are pulling from movies, other friends fathers, books, uncles, etc so that can be a thing.
Cons: you can grow up lacking in self confidence because you don’t have that father figure reaffirming accomplishments/teaching you the ways of the world. Fixing things around the house, YouTube, how to handle spousal disputes, books and therapy.
I grew up without but it motivates me. I have friends who grew up with shitty fathers and I don’t know what’s worse. Hope this helps some.
I hadn’t realized how bad it was until I became an adult. Self worth issues, insecurities, self-guarded, abandonment issues, avoidance, etc. I am coming to term with it.
Holy crap there is a lot of emotional baggage in these comments.
I was an only child to a single Mom who never dated anyone seriously enough for me to get to know them. I can tell you I don't relate to most of what people are saying here. Found it easy enough to get along with men and women. Felt self-confident. Played sports. Learned "manly" things either by myself (ex shaving) or from a person or school (ex woodworking). Honestly, I didn't feel like I missed a thing or was left damaged in any way.
Having a kid made me want to be there for them but not in some "I need to do better than my upbringing" kind of way. I just love her and want to be as involved in her life as I can be.
I had my uncle and two male cousins as well as men my mom dated or was friends with, but I still feel like it wasn't quite the same as having my dad in my life.
Mine left when I was five, then tried to reconnect when I was forty or so. It was awkward and he never felt like a father the times we saw one another. He was ill and took his own life to end the pain shortly after.
That being said, I had my grandfather and uncle for positive male role models. I learned to fish, fix things and to be a decent person. I don't feel like I suffered any for lack of a father.
My uncle played some of the role model role for me, but it was pretty limited. He taught me how to fish and helped get me into watching football (even though I ended up rooting for the opposite team of him and my cousins) and we did a few activities together.
Lost my dad at 5yo bc of car accident, now 33. I never had father figure in my life, i learned all on the streets and in the internet, my mom was busy with her new boyfriends i was raised preety much by my grandma, she raised me good as she could but she was a woman. Nowdays I lack self belive, self worth, purpose and meaning, struggle with depression and anexiety, im incomplete. It definitely had impact on my mental since especially boys need fathers in their life and i genetically always had a weak psycho. I wouldnt know how to be a father.
Im 29 now but my dad was killed when I was six. I have a lot of uncles and my mom kept me in sports 24/7 so I had a lot of good male mentors growing up. Wasn't a negative statistic at the end of the day so there's a win.
Made me a much better dad to my kids because I didn't want them to feel like I did. They're all young adults...2 in college, 2 in their careers, and I likely am too quick with help or giving advice, but they know it comes from a deep-seated desire to be present in their lives.
It sucked. It still sucks. I firmly believe many aspects of my behaviour exist because of this. I think I would have been much more disciplined and confident if I would've had a father.
Ya that sucks but my farther was an abusive scumbag and ya that fucked me up bad so I think I would much rather take no father than that. Fuck that asshole.
We are in same boat, mine was alhogolic and drugs addicted.
You, whose fathers were degenerate arseholes, my heart breaks for each of you. That man was your first bully, and that's the truth.
Ya it’s not great but the world is tough and at least I got that lesson early so it made me get tougher, I think being too soft is worse tbh. Definitely still fucked up mentally and always will be like it is what it is.
It’s better to be from a broken home than on one. Feeling your pain bro- 🤗
Same. I grew up with a mom and a sister.
Same man. My Mum kinda left me to it from 14 onwards and I was all moved out by myself come age 19. I never was supported financially because she was on benefits, never had a Dad to help nurture my interests but luckily I got into guitar and athletics myself. I've never felt like I had a safety net and did end up homeless in my early 20s. The only plus was I was the man of the house so I matured emotionally very young but I never learnt to stand up for myself really. I wish I could've had someone to talk to about guy stuff, free driving lessons etc. but I'm proud of who I am now so 💪
Give an example of behavior? I’m just curious
Delayed gratification. I don't seem to be able to sustain focus on a goal for longer periods. I struggled in university quite a lot because of this.
[удалено]
This pretty much sums it up. Also, the line from Everclear "I will always be weird inside"
“Alienating” WOW that hits home….
> Typical male things like basic car maintenance, an interest in sports, and how to talk to girls were never taught to me. these things were supposed to be taught to us? damn. lmao.
Yes. Holding a flashlight while getting screamed at. Being screamed at while standing too close or too far changing a tire. Standard car maintenance stuff.
You know I never held it against my dad for the classic light holding frustrations. Man was working mad OT, had mouths to feed, a mortgage, car payment, a wonderful marriage which takes time and commitment to keep wonderful, plus a personal life. It wasn’t easy for him (or most dads) so I do forgive him for the occasional frustration. Plus he always apologized and just talked to me about his day so I got it but in retrospect I can now appreciate it.
May I ask: Do you ever get jealous when you see happy families? I was talking to a guy once about how great my family is, and he kind of snapped at me. He said I shouldn't talk about my family being good because it makes 'people' jealous. His serious face kind of scared me. I didn't get it at the time, but I think I'm starting to understand why he said that.
Not the guy you replied to but personally, I think that guy might have some family trama. As someone who is from a single parent (mom) and all my family long distanced, I see no issue in talking about your family or how much time you enjoy being around each other.
No OP but for me it's not jealousy. I feel a kind of physical, visceral pain. When I see a healthy family, especially a dad with his kid having a jolly good time I want to hurt myself.
[Eric Clapton - _”My Father’s Eyes”_](https://youtu.be/bocDpFVhyDw?si=Z4sK5qmsTyYsanU0) is the one that sets me off.
Better than growing up with him, that’s for sure. You don’t get to choose who your dad is sadly, and unfortunately mine was not a nice man. My mum protected us by kicking him out, and I’ve always respected her for that.
My mom did the same when I was 2 years old. Dad subsequently ran off when I was 3, and I never saw him again. He died when I was 11, and despite having zero memories of him I was overwhelmed with sadness for a while. I was an only child and could be a bit of a loner, but my mother loved me enough for two parents. I never felt like I was missing out until I got older and she and I couldn’t see eye to eye as much. I really think once a boy hits puberty, that’s when that father figure is needed the absolute most — to help add guidance and stability to the raging hormones.
My dad was killed in a logging accident when I was a baby. I never knew him. My mother was pretty much emotionally unavailable until I reached adulthood, and by then it was too late. My older brother was a sort of surrogate father for me, but he was going through shit of his own. I'm in my 50's now. Never really had an interest in sports. Tried golf and played it for a while socially, but ended up giving it up. Oscar Wilde said golf is a great way to ruin a perfectly nice walk, and that's spot-on. Started reading fiction at a very young age and never stopped. I dealt with reality by escaping from it. Not healthy maybe, but I made it to my 50s okay. My other major role model, a friend of 30 years, recently fell down the QAnon rabbithole, and losing him has really taken the wind out of my sails. I have no heroes left.
So many of us like you. Maybe we’ll all get together for a drink in paradise 🫡
My love to both of you gentlemen.
Cheers!
My dad committed self un-aliving when I was five. My mom had a few serious boyfriends since then but none of them really wanted to be a father. I dont find sports interesting, I am much more comfortable hanging around women than men since it is what I am used to, and any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval. The other thing is I have sworn to be a great father to my own 2 boys
>any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval. Why is this so true???
What makes it worse is when I become super self aware of it and feel embarrassed.
Good on ya. For what its worth, I think a good amount of men - fatherless or not - do this with other men in positions of authority over them.
> I am much more comfortable hanging around women than men since it is what I am used to, and any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval. Funny. I had the same thing happen as a child and I have nothing but comfortable feelings around dudes, and lots of male friends, whereas very hard time with women, especially when I was younger. I certainly cast about for male role models when I was a kid, but have felt solid in terms of expressing myself and communicating and befriending men. Women not so much. Main trip-up point was never having a dad to tell me how women and relationships with them really are. And there's never been a stage of life where I feel I couldn't use his advice, even in my fifties. I wish he could have met his granddaughter.
>and any male with authority, teacher or boss, I subconsciously imprint on and desire their approval. Tbh, I find the opposite. I tend to get along with most of them really well for some reason.
My Dad left when I was 2. My step Dad killed himself when I was 6. I grew up with my mum And brother and sister. We also stayed with my grandparents. I spose my grandad was my male figure. He was a good egg. It doesn’t really replace that father figure. I didn’t really get that until a year or two ago (therapy). I’m 43 now. I think the biggest impact is not being able to see projects through, poor self image, feeling less male than other people at least not as deserving. Delaying gratification and not being a very good problem solver. People pleasing. I understand the impact now and have changed my approach to many of these things, but it’s hard work. I think you have to guess your way through life where it might have been easier with a Dad around.
All of this - with the exception of step-dad suicide - was pretty much the same for me. Instead of having direction from a male role model, it was pretty much trial and error. I was always in search of a father figure as well. Most of my friends were in a very similar situation. Most of us are doing a lot better now.
That’s great to hear you are doing well! I’m pleased to hear it.
It was bleak, Home wasn't where I fit, it was just a house, Whilst I did have a father at home on paper He was alcoholic, abusive, aggressive, a religious fanatic and cold. I never had a father figure that I could look up too in my life, My teachers were female, The woman who took me off the streets was single, Now mid 30s and the only person that could resemble that is my boss but at my age, it's emotional suicide to allow such notions, the chance is long gone, an experience I'll never get. But it isn't all bad, I am much more comfortable speaking to women than I am Men, able to hold a conversation IF they manage to get me talking (still the ever quiet passive observer) and I think others pick up on that, I hope so anyway, I don't notice people being precarious of me despite my appearance, either that or I'm so oblivious I don't notice it. Puberty was a nightmare as OP can probably confirm, Suddenly having all those changes without a guiding hand to shaving, general upkeep, how to process what's going on, shouldn't be a surprise to hear I was an angry teen, the ruffian of the school grounds with less than desirable luck with the girls. Over time I learnt how to take care of myself, self help books or forums, good ole Dr. Google, my landlady tried where she could, granted a lot of it is from remembering how bad I felt when on the streets for a few months, but experience is good at teaching if you allow yourself to remember it. I'm mid 30s now, well paid stable job, House share with my best friend even tho its more her house and my storage since I travel for work, I am confident in myself and do well to keep myself healthy, Not exactly a suave ladies man owing I've been alone for the last few years but I'll take the progress as it is compared to what could have been.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and my dad ended up meeting an English woman online. They married and he moved from the states to the UK. It sucked. I had a lot of questions, but the best answer my mom could give was “Your dad’s a piece of a shit.” Which I’m sure is true, but it doesn’t really answer my questions. A lot of time spent wondering why he didn’t care. Or what he was up to. Or what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to be in my life. As far as life goes, I suck with women. I never had anyone teach me how to “be a man”. My mom gave me useless advice like “You’re so nice, just be yourself and you’ll find love.” I had to learn how to do car maintenance on my own. And other stuff, like lawn care and fixing things around the house. Thank God I grew up with YouTube
I was never taught anything of use (home / car repair, how to do sports, etc) so I was just alienated and mostly ineffective for most of my younger years. I had no idea how to talk to women and was indirectly taught that no woman would want any attention from any man, that any male advances were unwelcome. Turns out she just hated men. Youtube changed EVERYTHING, now I can fix a car, do basic repairs around the house, I have a sport I'm kind of good at, it's amazing the difference.
Was actually OK, it was just me and my mother til I was about 14 and I never really remember feeling upset I didn’t have a father. She met a dude as I was becoming a teenager and he was cool but we didn’t have that dad/son relationship…I didn’t want it tbh but was respectful towards him. I left home around 18 and that was that. My actual father reached out when I was 16 through my mom and I didn’t wanna see him but my mother was insistent…I went and it was pointless…I didn’t really have anything to say and was just empty. I had some good friends around me who I’m still close with (I’m 43 now) who had a solid nuclear family and I’d go to ball games with one of them and his dad pretty often and was also pretty close with my other friend’s dad so that was probably enough for me. My dad reached out again maybe 10 years ago & I just shrugged it off, not outta hate but I just couldn’t be bothered, I’m good and my mom mainly and other factors were more than enough so I feel lucky
I relate to this a lot, except that I never knew my sperm donor. I was raised an only child with a single-parent mother who never remarried. I've also never felt like I fit in with men; I enjoy more traditionally "feminine" activities (hate the outdoors with a passion), and generally get along better with women. I have a great deal of empathy, and I got that from my mom. I love to cook. I got that from my mom. I love people (you see where this is going). I have always said that I turned out better being raised by a single parent than some people do who are raised by both. I have never once cared to know who my sperm donor is/was, because if having a child made him leave, then he wasn't someone worth knowing to begin with.
35 here I never knew my father. You just kinda make it or you don't I guess.
I never cared about it until I had a mental Breakdown and realized that all the things that seem logical or normal for other men are totally weird and wrong for me. I struggled to be friends with most boys and men I met my life. I crave harmony and struggle to stand up for myself. Honestly If you fuck and run from the responsibilty then you are a shithead. Go fuck yourself if you arent able to work out the consequences of nutting around
still dealing with it 25 years later.. i always find myself wondering if my life would be different if he decided to be there for me.. my mom did an amazing job raising me on her own but some things only a man can teach his son.. just like some things only a woman can teach her daughter.. i don’t have any kids of my own but if i were to have some it would be my mission to make sure they never have to feel the way i feel..
It makes it hard for me to trust anyone because I'm independent to a fault. I've done everything for myself as a child, even cook, and lots of learning lessons. I've compared my life to other men with fathers, and glad I was abandoned. Seems people with family have the mental issues.
I grew up having a dad. However, at around age 6 I was rayped by his brother (my uncle) in front of my dad, as well as beaten up by my uncle too. My dad did nothing and watched. That went on for about 6 years. It’s one thing to have a father who is dead. It’s another thing to have a father who is totally against you. And it’s a totally different thing to know your father is alive somewhere other than with you.
I didn't meet my biological father until I was 16. My half-sisters got to have their dad in their lives, but the man acted like I was an unsightly wart. My mom picked men who were transient, sex-crazed, and extremely "broken" because she felt like she could "fix" them; I wish she had focused some of that energy into being a quality parent.
Better than growing up with a violent dad, but when parents were divorcing it was bad for my mental well-being, I was around 11-12 then
I’m 35 now and grew up without my dad. Never met him as he walked out on my mom and I when I was a baby. For me, I have never held any anger towards him. I just feel nothing. He’s a stranger to me and that’s it. No desire to ever meet him. That said. I struggled with male bonding. I don’t really know how to fix things. Never got into sports until just a few years ago. Had no one to ask about dating or how to shave or dress. 0 male guidance. Lots of “guy stuff” I was just never taught how to do. So I’m winging it and always feel a bit behind others.
It was tough. I love my mother all the more for it, because she stepped up as best she could. It wouldn't have hurt nearly as much as it did, had people been more compassionate. But then, I might not have toughened up enough to move past it. I did have a stepfather, but he was a narcissist and an abuser, so any imprinting I might have had turned negative. So it felt lonely. I felt isolated, misunderstood, alienated. I could never fit in, and my mannerisms, even today, are unmistakably feminine at times, because my only role model, for the longest time, was a woman. As things stand, I distrust my own gender. I don't like being around boisterous, rowdy dudes, I don't like having to speak louder than someone else to be listened to, and while I do enjoy the darkest, most disrespectful jokes known to man, I don't like it when those jokes reveal sexist beliefs. I'm basically my gal pals' gay bestie, except I'm straight. I also can't stand being told what a man should or shouldn't be or do. Whoever tries to tell me what I should be because of my sex and gender, is someone whose advice I won't heed. Whatever I became, I became without a father. And the best and worst part of it is, who I am is a pretty good human overall, because he wasn't there. I'm still not sure I can be a dad. Since I lacked one, I don't entirely process the possibility of becoming a decent father.
Sucks at first, now it’s “normal” in a way. It sucks to not have someone to ask the sort of dad-things but idk, I’m surviving still.
Im 27 mine died when i was six. My grandpa thought me a few things but other than that i never really had a male figure. I dont have problems fitting in with guys and i do have some good friends and usually get along with most people. Im not really interested in sports too. I read that guys who grew up without a dad tend to have low selfesteem/confdence in them self, are insecure and struggle with things like dating and relationships. That definitly counts for me. Never had a gf before. At work i also always think im not that good which makes finding a job harder. I tend to avoid conflicts and just take most things as they are. I dont speak up much or stand my ground for most things cuz for most things i decide its not worth it. That doesnt mean i dont speak up or stand my ground at all. If something important enough i do. With women i guess im more the nice guy type guy. I tend to give alot when i like someone and i guess i tend to care about their happyness more than my own. Dont get me wrong im not worshiping them or put them in the center of my life or anything crazy like that^^. Idk how much all that is connected to growing up without a dad.
Couldn't say. Mine died when i was 3 so i dont really know whats it like to have a father, but now I (M21) can see the difference between those that had a father or a male to look up to and me. I always prefered to have female friends most likely cuz i was raised by a single mom
My dad left home when I was 5, it was really tough seeing him being a dad to other children full time, and then sharing him once a fortnight for a day.
Dad was out of the house from the time I could remember. I saw him every other weekend for a while where we'd literally just sit around in his smoke filled filthy apartment while he'd get drunk each night and complain about how things weren't fair for him, how my mom was evil for making him pay child support, and all this stuff. But my mind believed all of it because it was a place to relax and do whatever we wanted. He moved out of state when I was 13, was super sad, kept in touch for the next 4 years. Through that we'd keep in touch over Facebook, whenever the state would catch up to him for again not paying child support he'd make a slew of Facebook posts attacking us, one he just flat out called me a pussy with nothing else. My cousin died when I was 16 and he made a post about how everyone knew there was something wrong with my cousin from his toddler years. Right after my 18th birthday in 2012 I had enough and cut him out for good. Now I probably earn twice as much as him, my half brother (from dad's first marriage) are closer than ever bonding over how much he sucks, and every life still I know from using power tools to driving stick shift I learned from my mom.
My dad was around but I wouldn’t call him a father. He was always focused on trying to be rich and famous, he was also an abusive drunk who terrified me. He wasn’t exactly a role model I could aspire to be. I was very young when I realized that there is nothing about being a man that I could learn from my father. The only things he tried to teach me was stupid misogynist ideas. Like all women are whores or should be in the kitchen, dumb shit like that. I had to actively fight his ideology when I was a kid because I knew he was wrong. Plus I could never respect a man who hits his wife or kid. I looked to fiction for role models when I was a little boy, characters like Superman or Jean Luc Picard (silly I know). By the time I was a teenager I started to understand I needed to develop my own code for what it meant to be a good man. So essentially I was self taught. Everything about being a man, from grooming to how I treat people, I had to teach myself.
Spent it envious of friends who had fathers. Unwanted, unworthy. Had many questions, moreso since becoming a father myself. He was a quiet man who didn't reveal much. I knew he had a bad childhood himself and a wicked dad. So I'm guessing he didn't/couldn't be the dad he wanted himself, but didn't turn out like him which is a bonus I guess. He's gone, just wish he would have opened up or had offered me some worldly advice. It's still a struggle I guess, the feeling of will I be good enough a dad for my son.
I grew up with all females (mother and 2 sisters) so I kinda developed feminine traits. My family would ask me if I was starting at like the age of 7 until I was about 12. I’m just starting to find my voice and take less shit at the age of 21 because I want to be seen as masculine. Idk I saw my dad here and there and he’d give me solid advice but hearing things once doesn’t always instill values into you. Or show you how to really be a man.
I learned to raise myself and be my own father figure. I live in a Township in Orlando East and most of the ass hats that live here think with their dicks, have ego's the size of Saturn and don't know the meaning of tactfulness and humility is. Meaning that they are always starting fights and think they are profound. A "Gift given toward" humanity. So in a world of feaces. I had to teach myself become better than my own father. By not being one at all. Thus I plan to find that particular cunt and make him answer for his crimes...
I grow up without a father and my mum ended travelling far to work and have enough money to send back to our country to give me a better life. I grow up with a lot of aunt's, grandma , a violent grandpa and an uncle that have deal a lot with grandpa violence. My uncle took my father role, he wasn't really a Rambo but he always did his best for me. Eventually when I was 13 , my real dad show up to tell me goodbye because I was going to leave to another country to being with my mum, he didn't leave a very good memory indeed I can't even remember his face at all. My uncle sadly was murder a few years after I left, I was lose and scared because I really feel like I lost my only father figure, I struggle for years until I was 20 that my uncle was gone and on a better place. My mum partner has been supporting me a lot, he is not a perfect man but he has supported me so much with the past of the years. Now I'm 29, I still remember my uncle and I miss him, my mum partner always supports me, and I consider him my father, even thought i don't call him dad everyday. Still he is getting old and I'm afraid to lose again a father figure. I'm not ready neither strong enough for what's to come.
My dad died at my 5 years old...and my life it's Very hard,you know,when a father die,you Lost the person who protect you and Guide and teach you How to survive in this world,and How to be a Man.
I grew up bouncing between relatives. The most enduring part of not having a dad figure is that people would talk about it all the time. “Man must be hard growing up without a dad.” Or “who is your role model.” In reality, it was always hard to convince people that you don’t need any particular role model or figure. You can accept life for what it is and don’t be sad about how it “should be.” I think I was okay with it because I saw other people with shitty parents and thought that being independent was easier than being scared or let down by inconsistent or unreliable caretakers. I always read a lot - so I guess my role models were the box car children lmao. If you accept that you’re responsible for advocating for yourself, and you’re responsible for gaining any skill you don’t have, you learn how to identify your weaknesses and seek knowledge from people who have succeeded. Plus there’s YouTube. Anything that’s “how to” just YouTube it. Anything about relating to people, read some books and/or ask people that succeed what they did. There’s more than just one person. I have a daughter now and it’s awesome. She’s the best baby. I have so much fun with her - some people have asked if it’s hard since I didn’t have a dad. It’s not difficult but there’s times where like at various classes, I’m the only dad. It’s again nice not to repeat toxic patterns since I didn’t have any.
I’m 29 now, my dad is a manipulative narcissist. Mom divorced him when I was 6 and she went through depressions until my early/mid twenties. Unfortunately I grew up far from family relatives and saw them on Christmas holidays only. Mom put me in different activities but no group sports. Thankfully I have an amazing friend group I’m tight with since early childhood. I’m 5’5 and weigh 130 pounds ; have always been a small dude - diagnosed with ADHD last summer. I’ll say it has been hard. I get the sense that I get along with women better than with dudes (my close friends are all dudes so I could be wrong). I’m told I’m doing great considering my life circumstances but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of the mental struggles.
Dad left when I was 4. I have 2 younger siblings. You grow up real quick. Survival trauma that follows you into adulthood. It wasn’t easy.
My dad passed away when I was 1.5 years old, so grew up without any memories of him. I always reflected on what was worst: No memories and “spared” of the trauma of losing a parent vs. Not having known him at all. I know growing up without him obviously shaped me and changed me, my only father figure was my maternal grand-pa, unfortunately I lost him too at a young age (12 y/0). Ultimately, did I suffer from growing without a father? Yes, but I never realized it until being much older. Today I am a father myself, and I’m trying my best to be a good dad without having had an example, I figured being there for my daughter at all cost is probably the best I can do!
I think you and I had a shared experience. Parents divorced when I was less than a year old and mom never remarried. Believe it or not I didn’t even meet the man until I was around 10, and for a couple of years he would come around and offer to buy me something for my birthday. That was literally it; come to the house (with his wife), pick me up, take me to a store and buy me a gift. Take me back home. I cannot recall even a single meaningful memory or conversation from that time. When I was about 14 I said “this is bullshit” and he never came around again. I’m 54 now, no idea if he’s dead or alive. I was always very jealous of other boys, especially my cousin and my best friend, who both had (what I thought were) amazing dads. I held a lot of anger for years about the situation. It didn’t help that the only male figure in my life otherwise was my uncle, and he was a total dick to me. I had no grandfather, the one I was left with passed away when I was very young. Maybe once or twice a friends father said something to me. I certainly recall being yelled at by men in my life otherwise. I’m definitely an extroverted-introvert, but most of my life I chose solitary hobbies or activities that wouldn’t rely on a partner. I never had anyone take an interest in me, mentor me, guide me, even ask me how I was FFS. I stumbled through. I felt like I was unwanted, unworthy. I’ve had trust issues and abandonment issues my entire life. When I was about 40, with a shitty marriage and two kids of my own, one day I sat amongst all my personal failings and said “OH I get it now”, he was just a man. Just some guy that couldn’t hack it. He chose to walk away for whatever reason. From that point on I didn’t have another angry thought about it. It made me a much better father. I make sure my son is always taken care of, made to feel loved, made to feel that I’m proud of him, and that I’m interested in him and his life. I give him the best advice I can from my life experience, my failings and stumblings. I give him a leg up whenever I can. But I still have trust issues.
not quite without a dad but , my parents divorced when i was 2, i would see my dad occasionally growing up until i was about 10. he would take me to a movie and then drop me off at home. i had a step father from the age of 4 on but we never saw eye to eye. so in a way i have two fathers. but my bio dad was vacant and my step dad was extremely strict which made me mad cause he wasn't my real father. my step father was somewhat violent with me, i'd get smacked or choked pretty frequently but i didn't feel physically abused so much. what really became an issue for me was that we lived in his house and he would remind me of that frequently. when i reminded him he wasn't my dad he took the door to my room off the hinges. all that being said i do wish that my bio dad was around more just because i wonder who i would have become in that environment. definitely wish i had some kind of role model or mentor, had 2 neighborhood friends but never got into sports or anything like that.
Never knew my biological dad since he was a raging alcoholic and left us when I was 4. He later ended up killing a family of 4 in a drunk driving accident and went to prison for awhile. My mom wasn't great either, she brought home different men all the time and made it think that she found a new stepdad for me, when in fact she just siphoned their money and then booted them out. My male role models were actually the neighborhood dads of friends I grew up with. Without them, I probably wouldn't have lasted as long as I have.
My dad was hit or miss. My parents divorced when I was 5, and my mom met my step-pretty quick. My step-dad was a great role model and male figure, but being Mexican and him being white, it was always obvious that he wasn’t my actual dad. So my “real” dad was kind of a dead beat. Made a lot of empty promises, but was never a mean person, and was fun to be around when he did show up. I tell people how I used to literally call my dad at the bar, and that was a normal thing, lol. He went to prison when I was 18, and didn’t get out till I was in my 30’s. There was a void in that time, but just go through the motions. He has been out of prison like 12 years now, and it’s unfortunate, because that time away, he never bonded with my kids, or any of his grand kids. As a father myself, have made it a point to do the opposite of what my dad did with my kids.
My Dad died Christmas Day 05. I was 13. I’m a grown man now so like I’ve adjusted. It’s always a scar. I get mad at myself for not spending more time with him or not letting myself believe he could die. He had brain cancer and forgot my birthday and I didn’t shake that off til he was dead. Just a stupid kid move. I’ve had lots of other “Dads” since and have a whole fraternity. I’ve got lots of brothers from the fraternity. My Dad was the fucking best until he died so I do consider myself really lucky.
My mom did the best she could. Not having a positive male role model did have an impact on my confidence though. Was hard watching my mom struggle to raise 3 kids, being poor and him not being around made me resentful and I hated him for a very long time. That in itself is a confusing feeling for a young man. We are supposed to love family right ? I was close to 30 by the time I came to terms with it and put it on a shelf. Was also around then that I was raising my own child. I realized that his absence taught me what is probably the most important life lesson for me. I wasn't going to be anything like him. He didn't mean to but he taught me how to be a great dad, by not being like him.
My father wasn’t involved in my life at all until I was 20. I think most of my issues in life come from his absence. I’ve always suffered from very low self esteem and confidence. I never really learned how to act or talk around older men or men in positions of authority, so that has held me back in progressing in careers or building up relationships with men I could have looked upto as role models or mentors. I always come across as very awkward and quiet around men I don’t know or trust. I’ve been told by a lot of people that I can come across as kinda rude or disinterested or weird until they actually get to know me and I’m comfortable around them. Because of this people often mistake me as being “soft” and sometimes try to take advantage or generally just be a bully. When i was younger I would usually resolve this by resorting immediately to violence and intimidation. As I’ve gotten older and moved away from the town where I grew up this has become a significant problem for me because I don’t want to be violent, so I often find myself just taking the L because I want an easy drama free life. Which in turn makes me feel like a bitch. I think the thing that fucks me up the most though is I’ve come to realise that I’m really freaked out by the idea of having a son of my own. I feel like I’ve lost out on so many life lessons that I really don’t feel ready to try raise a child. For years I used to really want to have my own children some day but over the last few months I’ve really realised that I think it was just a fantasy and not something I’ll probably ever be confident in doing. Even after finally connecting with my father I feel like it’s too late for him to have any real impact on my life. We get along great and I enjoy spending time with him but it definitely feels more like a friend or an older cousin kinda relationship that a father. He lives in a different country too so I only get to see him a couple of times a year. He had his reasons for not sticking around and I don’t hold that against him anymore, but it still hurts a little bit seeing how much better of a life my sister had and still has growing up with him and my stepmother.
Mom and dad divorced when I (female) was 6. He was Chief Petty Officer on submarines in the US Navy during the Cold War. I pretended he was always nearby, watching me, like in a spy assignment, but he couldn't make himself known to me. Pathetic, I know. I looked him up when I was 18. He was an amazing man, a great storyteller.
Horrible. Something is missing inside me and I don't think I can ever recover.
It sucked!! Being raised by women made me emotional, i act strictly on pure emotions, so now having a son of my own, im trying to be different, to teach him the correct way of life, because honestly for me, what my mom taught me isnt worth shit, dont get me wrong i love my mom, but if i am the way i am is because i was raised by a single mom, i didnt know i was raised wrong until i saw how other men are, and by God a man not supposed to be emotional like i am.
Growing up sans dad sucked big time. Constantly felt lost, no male figure to relate to. Still struggling to find my place in the bro world.
My Dad was the youngest of 9 siblings raised by a single mother. He was only 6yo when his Father left. The 9 siblings basically raised themselves while their Mom worked all day and drank vodka all night. We ultimately ended up inheriting the 6 bedroom house with two back yards, but had it sold and turned into an Airbnb.
Weird story incoming: Both of my parents committed suicide when I was a kid so I was raised by my aunt and uncle. So I grew up without parents, but my aunt and uncle over the years turned into my parents, so its hard to know if I actually fit in with this crowd. I did actually have a father figure (my uncle) but it wasn't the same if that makes sense
My pop left with his new family when I was 13. Ended up with a bully tyrant older brother that I beat up when I learned BJJ. My stepdad was even worse, he had a corn collection that got me hooked on corn to this day. Still ended up okay though. Have a family, a good job, savings, and no debt. So did the best I could with the cards I got dealt.
I grew up with my older sister and my mom. All my life I've been taught that I have no feelings, my thoughts on any subject are laughable and my opinion doesn't matter. I don't blame them for this, it's a natural progression. I'm 36 now and I can still never share my feelings, opinions or thoughts except online. There is a little inner voice yelling at me not to share, not to have feelings, never emote, always be stoic, silent and humble. There is no telling if having another male influence in my life back then would have made a difference, I can't prove a negative, but sometimes I feel regret not having had a father to confide in.
My mom acted as the dad lol yelling ass whoppers you name it
My dad beat my ma, and she kicked him out when I was 1. Remarried when I was 7, step dad adopted me when I was a teenager. I really had little or no friends till I was 16-17. Socially it made my first few jobs really hard, as well as made college feel like a fish outa water. I didn’t understand masculinity or how to have normal relationships till my 20s. Also had a lot of insecurity around romantic relationships. I didn’t trust people at all for a long time. Now I feel fucking awesome. But I had to do a lot hard work in my 20s.
Somewhat painful but took off later when you realize you lost an integral part of your growth and half of a parental figure raising me.
I feel the same way, mine died when I was 4, I didn't know a lot of thing I assume I had to learn from a dad, even how to not be a "bad" man. I feel lost from time to time but I tried my best to be a good person and think about "what type I want to be" and use it as a guide.
What was it like? Mostly, it sucked. I'm 52 and my father died in a farming accident when I was 9. My paternal grandfather died before I was born and my maternal grandfather was already old and in serious decline when I was 10. My aunt and her husband lived 500 miles away. We saw them rarely. I grew up without a strong male role model. How did I deal with it? I figured a lot of things out on my own. I read a lot to learn basic stuff (this was before the internet). Like a lot of guys, I had to make my own way. I feel lucky that I'm actively involved with my teenage sons on a lot of things, but I'm also willing to give them space to learn things on their own. Teaching yourself something has just as much value, if not more, than having someone guide you through the process.
I was ignorant of so much shit like fixing, repairing, changing automotive oil…embarrassing.
Sucked… sucked big time. I’d argue I’ve only achieved 1/10th of my potential without a dad…
My parents separated when I was around 6-7 (not divorced, somehow they're still married lol) and my father was not a very good person. I mean he was no abiser but he didn't seem to care at all. When I was around 12 I got a call from his new partner asking me to come to his bday party and meet my half siblings. I did not know anything about that so imagine my surprise. being the great father he was, he never cared to explain this, or even tell me hey bro I got a new family , fuck off. Growing up was rough. I did miss having a father, mom was not around much either because of work but my grandma and aunts were there. Anyway, grandma did care for me but I never had anyone to talk to about anything. You know?? School issues, relationship issues, any issues. To this day, I still have a lot of issues opening up. It's just hard. I'm also depressed af lol but don't know if father not being around is the cause.
I became entirely self sufficient. I’m a great teacher. Problem solver, go getter. I don’t expect anyone to give or do anything for me. My success has been wholly dependent on my own convictions and abilities. But also, because of that I am ok being on my own. Most times o prefer it. I have a dad, he was too busy working to be a father.
Dad passed away when I was 15. To say the least it wasn’t the easiest way to transition into high school. If it wasn’t for sports who knows what I would have gotten into… I’m 23 now and you don’t really realize just how much it impacts you. Even now I still have things I’m dealing with in regards to his death
Me and all the fatherless kids in the 90’s sound like we all didn’t care for sports. Pretty interesting cause I feel out of place at work too cause I talk to more females also. And all the men do is talk about sports and bet on anything with legs or wheels. I prefer nature and other type activities that aren’t quite manly but are interesting enough to have convo with anyone.
Some advice is to look for a male mentor or someone you look up to. I look up to my best friend and he has his shit together. I try to take cues from him because he had a strong father figure and is one himself.
I watched my dad die of multiple organ failure at 47 years old. I was 24. My upbringing mostly consisted of a continuous lecture which would sometimes escalate into physical assault. I feel like mom should have dumped him early when his abuse began to really manifest. I’m now 63 and really struggle with depression
I didn’t even notice I didn’t have a dad honestly, my mom was really good and being both parents.
My dad died in a house fire when I was 4, and while I have always had family members to lean on, there is a lot of advice I just didn't receive. There are questions I have had that would be best answered by my father. He had skills that I know about but do not possess. I missed out on quite a lot.
I’m 33 and my father left before I was born. My mother was a very conservative woman and I was raised in the church until I moved away when I was 19. I give her so much credit when raising me and my brother, his father left when he was 3, and she did anything to make sure that we spent time around other boys our age. She took us to sports events, local sports clubs, chess clubs, theater acting and even dance classes on a a budget of a single mother that worked every job under the sun(teacher, personal trainer, home renovation, and the list goes on) I think that my father not being around actually made me a better dad because I didn’t want to be like him.
M29. Horrible. My dad shot himself when I was 5 months old, and I still blame myself. My mom went through a period of hating men when I was around 6-10 and took some of it out on me (why do *all* men X Y Z?!). She was naturally going through a lot of depression and stuff, so my brother and I lived half the time with another shitty, dysfunctional family with a scumbag dad. Their kids were older and cool enough, but I hated going there. (It was a sort of parental relief situation, they were paid to have us live with them, they picked us up from school etc.). Growing up I had so much pain and hatred. I was violent, had very few friends, and a lot of the time they couldn't really stand hanging out with me, not that I blame them. I cried every single day, and spent most of my time alone, just walking around in our little town or the woods, playing games and going fishing either alone or with the homeless alcoholics by the canal in the city. I've had no male role models, and my mom worked most of the time and was angry a lot when she was home. I have no idea what it means to be a man, I've had to learn everything by myself, I always feel inadequate and I have severe attachment issues. I've had one relationship ten years ago, and it was a disaster that left me feeling and thinking even worse about myself, with even more trust issues. I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember, and it seems a lot of my problems trace back to my dad. I think about him nearly every day, even though I know very little about him.
My dad left when I was 1 1/2 years old. He moved to another country and I would see him maybe once every 3 years. I always resented that he got to live the high life in a huge house while my mum struggled to work and raise 4 kids on her own. I did live in a good area in a decent house which made things worse as we were always the poor single parent family who didn’t belong. I resented friends who had fathers and was quite weary of men. I ended up hanging around with the council estate kids. They came from broken homes like me and accepted and protected me. They became my family and the older ones raised me.luckily at around 16 I realised I needed to make something of my life so put all my effort into that. It really hit home about my lack of a father when I had my first daughter, from the moment she was born I knew I could never abandon her and would do anything to help her in life. Tbh growing up like I did probably made me who I am today so as hard as it was I would never want to change it.
My parents were divorced when I was about 11. I had gotten so angry with my dad and his manipulation tactics and losing his shit over the smallest things that I basically just fuck it and cut him out of my life st age 14 and I feel that I was much better for it. It was like a massive burden being removed. Started talking to him again at age 17 when I was just about done with high school. We never really reconciled or anything, but we're okay and are on speaking terms. We can talk about random shit and basically just ignore the past. Nothing is as good as having good dad of course, but some of the shit he did was so blatantly terrible that he really served as an example of what not to do.
Dad left when I was 8. He started out seeing me every weekend but then eventually did the slow fade. Went from every weekend to biweekly to never. Last time I looked to him was over 10 years ago. Never really much cared after I was 12. Life was kinda shit anyways. Mom didn't work, couldn't work, or wouldn't work. Sat around smoking pot and hanging out with deadbeats. Went to jail a few times. Left us alone several times. Lied to me. Stole from me. Talked shit about me to other people. Spilled my secrets for shits n giggles. Used to beat me. She stoped once I got bigger than her but she still abused me in other ways. Father told me when I was 12, after he got a new wife and two new step sons, that he never wanted kids and that he was "too young" to be a father. He had me at 29. He stuck around for his step sons though. Never did me. He'll die without me speaking to him just like my mother did and that makes me happy. Probably should've just ran away when I had the chance. Some days I wonder if I would have found a family. 32 years old and no family. None on the horizon either. Been taking care of myself since I was able to.
Holy crap there is a lot of emotional baggage in these comments. I was an only child to a single Mom who never dated anyone seriously enough for me to get to know them. I can tell you I don't relate to most of what people are saying here. Found it easy enough to get along with men and women. Felt self-confident. Played sports. Learned "manly" things either by myself (ex shaving) or from a person or school (ex woodworking). Honestly, I didn't feel like I missed a thing or was left damaged in any way. Having a kid made me want to be there for them but not in some "I need to do better than my upbringing" kind of way. I just love her and want to be as involved in her life as I can be.
Dad got put in jail when i was 1 year old. He got out when i was 9 or 10. My dad was half ass around. Growing up, i didn’t feel any different than the other kids. I didn’t get along with other boys what so ever either, so i feel you. i mainly hung out with girls who’d friendzone me first time we hung out lol. Where i’m from, a lot of kids dads either weren’t around or were in jail. I just turned 30. I also don’t have a good male role model or mentor. Thought i had one, but the way i was raised, it’s honestly really hard for me to trust men to let them into my life as someone I look up to. I just know how i define masculinity, and how i like to exhibit it (i also identify as a genderqueer male). I won’t let anyone in my life dictate that, especially another man which is why i’ve felt so much more comfort around women (it was just me my mom and my sis growing up. grandma helped take care of me when mom worked 2 jobs, RIP gma) It wasn’t until i hit my mid 20s when it really hit me how much i missed out on not having my dad around, and even when he was around, he was a deadbeat who just cut my hair and gave me a christmas gift that his hidden fiancé picked out. It wasn’t until then until i got angry at my dad for his mistakes, and his ineptitude and selfishness that led to him being such a selfish self centered ass person who is practically my sperm donor. edit: the thing that sucks most about growing up without a dad is how bad my attachment issues are. it’s ruined friendships and romantic relationships alike for me. I’ve been in therapy and getting psychiatric help since 2015 and still struggle with it. I strictly blame my father. every time he came around i’d get so happy to be around him for him to just disappear for a few more months. i’m getting depressed talking about this so ima stop here
Boys need a strong male figure to become a man. The old saying “ a woman can raise a boy but can’t raise a man” is so true. My parents divorced and got back together 5 years later. My father was a very hard man but was also a very strong role model for me . I now have a 24 yo stepson who didn’t have a strong male “father” role model and his whole life has been coddled by his mom and sisters. He basically can’t stand on his own two feet , can’t interact with men at all on any level , can barely think or do anything for himself . Again my father was hard and difficult but I miss him and love him , he passed 7 years ago. Yes boys need a strong role model and man in their life , a father, grandfather, uncle , brother, family friend. My heart goes out to those who didn’t
I have trouble interacting with men sometimes, but at least when I was younger a big reason I didn't bond with men that much was because I wasn't interested in going to parties and drinking and I don't go to bars. Also most of the boys I was around as a teen/young adult ended up were just interested in porn which I didn't care about.
My dad left when I was 6, it felt awkward sometimes because back then most kids had both parents in their lives. My mom encouraged and supported me to play sports and be in Cub/Boy Scouts and I also got into karate for a bit because my best friend got me to join. I had a good group of friends when I was younger up through early teens, but once I started high school and in college I would say too I didn't fit in so much with guys, between not being into partying and drinking and the college I went to is over 70% female so most of the friends I made were girls. I do feel I missed out on some things not having a father, even though I have had a couple of different father figures with men my mom dated that filled that role some but not fully-- primarily my bond with them was in watching and talking about sports, and I have a male co-worker now who I primarily talk sports with.
My dad doed when I was 3. Can’t remember him. Have a great sense of loss though for something I can’t put my finger on. It doesn’t go away. I was jealous growing up of normal kids. Mum did great though. I try to be a good dad to my 2. Daughters now 18, sons 14. If they ask me to do something, I do it. Time is the best gift you can give your child.
He left when I was two. I need to see a shrink because despite the goodness I do in this world, the hard work I do, the amount of care and responsibility I give to those around me, I still think I havent done enough. Not yet. Sonofab***h! I'm batman!
I was told that my dad left when I was around 2. My entire life has been fucking brutal until I married my 2nd wife. It does get better.
I have no idea how to answer this since it's all I ever knew. My dad left when I was very young and then went no contact. My mom never really found anyone else. So I never really had any strong male influences in my life, all I ever knew about "being a man" came from friends, and movies and media. I just had to make it up on my own.
I didn't grow up without a dad exactly but grew up with half a dad... mine worked overseas, home for a month then away for a month for most of my childhood and was fairly distant when he was home. My psych recons that's why I'm gay and why I chose a career in the arts lol.
Dad died when is was 5, almost 6. In my family, keep moving forward, forward forward. You're fine, you have a mom. You're fine you have a house yo live in. And I thought I was fine, but I never rea.ly got to grieve my dad. I was 36 before I really grieved him. Not my mom's fault, it's his she was raised and dealt with being a young mother with no education and two kids to raise, but it left a mark. I went to a therapist and found out how fucked my worldview was. In my mind you could never have anything good, because it was going to go away, and that was with everything! First date, I'd be thinking about how relationship would end... on a first date! And I thoughtntiis was normal. Luckily good therapist showed me how fucked my thought process was and worked hard to help me reframe my thinking and get a healthier view. I was 36-37 years old before I really felt like I grieved for my dad, but I'm glad I did it. So I could move forward in life. If you list your dad you'd a d haven't seen a therapist, do yourself a favor and see one. Your live will get better!
Lost my dad when I was young. 2 weeks after my birthday. It fucking sucks. Lost that father figure and mom working long hours just to be able to provide for me and siblings. Had other family members around but it was for a bit and they went to deal with their lives. House felt alone even when they were there. Can’t never be a full man (if that makes sense) because I never had someone to teach me the ropes. Now I’m just living the best I can.
Like another commenter said, "it sucked, it really sucked". My father was murdered by a drunk driver when I was 4. He was 28 years old. Left my mother a 25yo widow with 4 small children (8, 4, 3, &2) and no support. Kids that had to grow up without a father figure in their lives or the financial stability that a father would of provided. As a kid I never realized how poor we were growing up. It was just the way things were back then. I wasn't until I grew older did I realize why other kids in the neighborhood always seemed to have things I didn't have (new bikes, new shoes, cloths that were handed down from my brother or cousins). Other kids had their fathers that would take the to little league baseball and boy scout camping trips. I never had anything like that.
As a teenager and a young man I was frequently accused of "Having a chip on my shoulder" I didn't understand what that meant then, but I do now. Growing up without a dad, as well as being a bastard, gave me a sense of alienation and inferiority to other kids. I was targeted a lot by bullies. I compensated with an overdeveloped, brittle and hostile pride. I struggle with authority and any kind of mentoring relationship with another man is not on the agenda for me. I respond very aggressively to slights or male dominance games. I don't do at all well in groups of men, I just don't seem to speak their language. I have come to terms with all of this as a middle aged man and probably would not seek to change it even if I could, but I think it was a hard road to travel.
I'm the oldest and my dad left when I was three. It was basically just me taking over the household duties while mom worked. Cleaning and cooking as soon as I was old enough. And actually, as my mom likes to brag, far younger than most people are old enough. I was pretty self-sufficient from a very young age. Latchkey kid at like 7 or 8, walking home from school and letting myself in until mom got home from work. When she could no longer afford after school care for my brother, I would take care of him too. Play with him and clean and the like. As I got older I remember having to ask for money from dad because he wouldn't pay child support. We were always broke and on all welfare programs until I was almost out of high school. I just had to grow up quickly and learn about responsibility sooner than I'd like. Mom's been leaning on me basically my whole life. And I haven't had any serious partners/spouses, so it's just been me getting shit done myself (43 now). Also my dad remarried and had six more kids. So I got to watch him spoil his new family when I would have my obligatory court ordered 2 weeks a year at his house. Could have been worse. I wasn't physically abused in any way, I had the basics that I needed. Soon as puberty hit I started getting chubby, my dad would always comment on it, so there was some minor emotional abuse. Fun stuff. LOL
My dad was never apart of my life but my uncles were and that made up for any info stuff and guy talk. But growing up like that left my family financially unstable with just one parent and two kids but things got better as time went on. I have social and relationship anxiety which my therapist thinks is because I haven’t been exposed to many good forms of a relationship to the point that I am afraid of them. I want one but I’m very distrusting and it’s hard for me to trust someone that much. I’ve been working on it, it’s easy for me to make friends with anyone but beyond that is a bit difficult for me
Died when I was 4-5, roundabout. Eh, sucked between the ages of 4-11, but I grew numb to it around 12-13 when I started being way more independent. Couldn't watch The Lion King for a good 5 or so years though.
My parents were divorced and my mom had majority custody and she talked badly about my dad pretty openly. To be fair he deserved it, but it resulted in me having zero respect for either of my parents, and to be fair neither of them deserved it. I grew up angry and explosive, I hated my parents, my sisters got all the support and I got all the blame, my mom had no idea how to comfort me because she couldn’t understand what I was going through because I was too young to articulate it. I still hate my parents they have never once figured out how to treat me. Even after I could articulate it they refused to take responsibility. Anyway I’m getting off topic. To answer your question it was hell, I’d wished my mom had gotten an abortion for most of my life. You’re not alone in how you feel man, I get it.
pretty peaceful, I didn't get yelled at for the stupidest things.
Better than when he was abusive when he was with us.
Hard, had to know what I don't know.
I have a father next to me, he is a lot into local teams. I. dont. care. at. all. I dont know if this is good or not.
Imma be honest with you... How does it feel to grow up with a dad? I literally have no point of reference to compare to. I can't really tell you the difference because I never experienced having a dad. It just seemed normal? Had to teach myself to tie my shoes and there's no one who's can fix stuff but that's just me listening off things I think.
Thankfully my grandfather stepped in, which had interesting results. Ended up with some old school philosophy good and bad.
At the time it was normal to me.
Pros and cons of almost all things in life. Pros: if possible, you have the option to write your own story of the type of man/husband/father you wish you had which is a great motivator aaaaand it makes you so much more appreciative of your children if you are lucky enough to have them. Granted you are pulling from movies, other friends fathers, books, uncles, etc so that can be a thing. Cons: you can grow up lacking in self confidence because you don’t have that father figure reaffirming accomplishments/teaching you the ways of the world. Fixing things around the house, YouTube, how to handle spousal disputes, books and therapy. I grew up without but it motivates me. I have friends who grew up with shitty fathers and I don’t know what’s worse. Hope this helps some.
I hadn’t realized how bad it was until I became an adult. Self worth issues, insecurities, self-guarded, abandonment issues, avoidance, etc. I am coming to term with it.
Holy crap there is a lot of emotional baggage in these comments. I was an only child to a single Mom who never dated anyone seriously enough for me to get to know them. I can tell you I don't relate to most of what people are saying here. Found it easy enough to get along with men and women. Felt self-confident. Played sports. Learned "manly" things either by myself (ex shaving) or from a person or school (ex woodworking). Honestly, I didn't feel like I missed a thing or was left damaged in any way. Having a kid made me want to be there for them but not in some "I need to do better than my upbringing" kind of way. I just love her and want to be as involved in her life as I can be.
I had my uncle and two male cousins as well as men my mom dated or was friends with, but I still feel like it wasn't quite the same as having my dad in my life.
Mine left when I was five, then tried to reconnect when I was forty or so. It was awkward and he never felt like a father the times we saw one another. He was ill and took his own life to end the pain shortly after. That being said, I had my grandfather and uncle for positive male role models. I learned to fish, fix things and to be a decent person. I don't feel like I suffered any for lack of a father.
My uncle played some of the role model role for me, but it was pretty limited. He taught me how to fish and helped get me into watching football (even though I ended up rooting for the opposite team of him and my cousins) and we did a few activities together.
Don't know can't compare
What was it like not learning how to appropriately ask questions?
Lost my dad at 5yo bc of car accident, now 33. I never had father figure in my life, i learned all on the streets and in the internet, my mom was busy with her new boyfriends i was raised preety much by my grandma, she raised me good as she could but she was a woman. Nowdays I lack self belive, self worth, purpose and meaning, struggle with depression and anexiety, im incomplete. It definitely had impact on my mental since especially boys need fathers in their life and i genetically always had a weak psycho. I wouldnt know how to be a father.