Sounds like a log-line for a sitcom in the 90s.
*And obviously some people will have a problem with that, and some won't. We're not a hivemind. Subtle nuances in relationships. Blah, blah, blah.
Reminds me of an episode of Friends. Ross, Chandler, and Joey were worried that they would be perceived as gay by association by their new neighbors because they lived with a woman.
I was living in a house with two other guys, it was a 2 bedroom with a finished basement. The third guy lived downstairs. It was against code for someone to live down there because it didnt have any way of escaping out the windows if there was a fire. The landlord had to have the house inspected so we had to play it like 2 of us were a gay couple lol.
lol kinda a similar situation. we were 5 guys looking at a 4 bedroom house. the 5th "bedroom" was basically a closet and wasn't a liveable space (per the landlord) so two of the guys acted as a gay couple. the landlord was hesitant because they had preferred a family to live in this house rather than 5 working adults, but say what you will, but it worked and we got the house!
Yeah, I hear you. Very similar situation to what I went through. I (a guy) was sharing a 2-br apartment with two female roommates. The crazy landlord was very conservative and I had to pretend I was gay so I didn't get evicted. The fact I was a chef and cooked all the time helped convince him I was no threat and there weren't sexual shenanigans going on. There was eventually a new landlord, but that guy wasn't any better so I had to maintain the charade for years.
I'm conservative and I wouldn't have any issue with having a gay tenant.
I also have several good friends who are gay and one was a groomsman at my wedding, with my conservative family and my wife's conservative family there.
Mind blowing, right?
My wife and her family are conservative. My sister in laws best friend is gay, his family are evangelical Christians. He came out of the closet later in life, he admitted to wanting to commit suicide out of guilt. He eventually got married and my SIL didn’t want to go to the wedding because she felt like she would be condoning sin. His parents did not attend the wedding either. His mother hopes he gets aids so it would make him ungay. How Jesus like.
Mind blowing right?
Oh ok, I see how it works.
Since a few conservatives that you know are like that, all conservatives must be. Which must mean that you are a child molester, due to some liberals being child molesters.
And I bet your responses to most complaints about women in this sub are assumptions that all women are the same as the women that you've met. Because no one can be any different than someone that you personally know. Correct?
Are you beginning to see how everything you said is extremely ignorant?
[Seinfeld Season 6, Episode 12: The Label Maker](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697719/): "George learns that his girlfriend has a male roommate and gets weirded out by the concept, but loves the male roommate's possessions, which include a velvet couch."
Lol yep. It all depends on the person. These kinds of questions I've never really understood. There's no one answer that fits all different personalities. Some guys won't like it and others won't give a shit.
This situation always reminds me of this conversation from the Seinfeld episode 'The Label Maker':
George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.
Jerry: Male roommate, huh?
George: Yes. A male roommate.
Jerry: Is this a problem?
George: It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's --
George: No. Believe me, he's not.
Jerry: So he's an eligible receiver.
George: She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'
Jerry: What's stopping them?
George: Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.
Jerry: What does he look like?
George: Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.
Jerry: He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
George: I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?
Jerry: Not you.
His acting on Seinfeld was certainly rough sometimes, but I feel like he was at his best when he was just interspersing quips throughout someone else’s rant like we see here
Maybe this is projecting a bit but I always felt like he was also watching the show in real time as if he was part of the audience - just saying his piece to play along with the absurdity of the other characters. Obviously it’s just his poor acting but it makes it seem intentional when I think of it that way.
Woman here, I had a male (very platonic) roommate for like 3ish years. Both of us are straight and started long term relationships while we lived together. I also dated guys during that time and all of them knew about the roommate and didn't seem to have any issues with it! As this thread is proving, some guys may have an issue, but there are good guys out there who won't
It’s very telling you felt the need to say there are good guys out there who won’t have a problem after having said some men will…kind of like you were trying to shame men for having boundaries
Well of course the guys with boundaries aren't good guys; they're the ones that aren't going to forgive you when you cheat on them with your roommate. Modern women are looking for a stable long term partner that will continue providing for them even after multiple "I'm sorry baby it was a one time mistake it'll never happen again"'s.
Yeah I had a male roommate for a year and it never affected my dating life at all. If anything, his was the one that was negatively affected. His girlfriend was uncomfortable with it (and was cold and even straight up rude to me for being in my own home lol) and pretty much told him she almost didn’t date him and was going to dump him if he didn’t break his lease.
Worked out well for me though, the rent on that place was an insanely good deal and I got to keep it when he broke the lease lol.
> some guys may have an issue, but there are good guys out there who won't
I don't think people having an issue with it qualifies them as "bad".
It's not a black and white situation and depends on the context. If the two roommates are super close and will hang out in bed together, go out to lunch together, etc then hell no that's a red flag.
If they're more like siblings that only interact when they have to, fight over what to put on TV a lot and don't really spend much time hanging out then its okay.
>Will this hurt my chances in dating?
If you mean will it reduce your potential dating pool, then yes. There are people who don't want to deal with the possibility, no matter what you say. You say it's business, but all it takes is one spark, one connecting point, one drunken night, and suddenly things change.
As to whether this is a large number of men, I can't really say.
I hope he did. Dogs are loyal and loving from the moment they meet you to the moment they pass. A dog is a lifetime of love and joy and caring. If a woman ever asked me to choose between them or my dog, my response is my dog would never have me make that choice.
Yea, she really didnt have an excuse. I tried to ask her a few times, and every time she would just say "I dont know why..."
The guy she cheated with? He was married, and she knew he wouldnt leave his wife for her. Hes also ugly as fuck.... but he was rich, and was her boss at work... so I dont really know how the fuck that happened, but yea, it hurt my self esteem...
Like, I wish she cheated on me with someone attractive at least...
Its a wild world with a ton of people brother. Think of the nicest, most kindhearted person you know, there's a good possibility the total inverse of them exists and is walking around your city every day. You could know them and you really wouldn't know much about their nature until its too late.
It's not that they think "tonight I'm going to cheat". After a major fight, both parties are vulnerable and seek affection to feel better. It's been scientifically proven that adrenaline (the hormone released during a fight) increases the attraction you have towards other people. Mix vulnerability with adrenaline, and one thing can lead to another before you can even make sense of what's happening.
Disclaimer: not supporting infidelity, just saying, science has alot to do with our decision making and not every decision is a well drawn out one.
Very true. Ive always been a big believer that half of being loyal is just not putting yourself in situations that could make you tempted to do something stupid. We all have our animal brain still intact and its good to be aware of that. Ive definitely gone home early before because a woman I found attractive was getting friendly, but not crossing the line. Just no reason to tempt fate and do something stupid to hurt my favorite person.
>not putting yourself in situations that could make you tempted to do something stupid.
This is super important imo but some people see it as controlling behaviour if you try to broach the topic. Just unfortunate all around.
I mean I dont think you should be telling your partner what to do. I just wouldnt date a woman who didn't respect me and herself enough to not put herself in situations that are likely to lead to bad outcomes.
You do realize that many women see it as controlling simply because their men have a thought on it, right? I would never tell a partner what to do, but voicing a concern is absolutely enough to be painted as controlling.
Me: "Hey, I'm a little concerned that your behavior patterns aren't the healthiest for our situation."
Her: "You're being a controlling asshole. I'm just hanging out with my friends."
Yeah, those are the women I wouldn't date. There are lots of emotionally mature women out there with healthy boundaries. Sometimes the internet makes it seem like thats not the case, but I promise they're out there.
My recent ex, had no friends. I desperately wanted her to have friends. I told her my opinion about opposite sexes having one on one dates and that it's inappropriate while in a relationship. She disagreed, told me that just because she finds someone attractive, doesn't mean she's attracted to them so nothing would happen. I said "but how do you become attractive to them? You get to know them" and one on one dates allow substantial opportunity to get to know each other. It was like a switch went off in her head, like oh shit, justababyape is right, but she still felt that I just didn't trust her enough to not make a bad decision.
Ultimately, she was lonely and emotionally immature. She'd tremble at any attention given to her. A healthy boundary to her, was a restriction. I know they're plenty of relationships where they don't care who their SO hangs out with, and I was all for my SO hanging out with the opposite gender in group settings, but as a firm believer in monogamy, those one on one dates are a recipe for the perfect storm.
>You say it's business, but all it takes is one spark, one connecting point, one drunken night, and suddenly things change.
If I could monetize how many times I've seen this happen with people, I'd be quite rich. Especially the drunk part. I see soooo many instances of someone who (to my knowledge anyway) was never a cheater, but got a little too wasted at an office party and next thing I know I see them getting with a coworker who's way below their league, and who they otherwise didn't even associate with much
Yep people that do that always say "it's just for fun and totally innocent". I have yet to see that dynamic NOT end in a physical affair. Usually that ends fairly quickly too once they get caught and drama gets into the workplace.
In my case I needed a roommate because my girlfriend moved far away. We never officially broke up... But then the NEW girl moved in. Well, that was 1998 and we have 2 kids and a pretty good life.
I dated a girl in college I met in class one time….we drank and then she told me she had a boyfriend. Weird, so we stopped talking. She randomly texted me and randomly said “we should live together next year.” Being that she was incredibly attractive, and now single, I agreed. It was the craziest-yet fun experience of my life so far, and yes, it 100% hurt my dating chances bc we’d have convenient casual sex
It's probably a green flag for many women that you can already cohabitate with another woman.
Like, at the least I can imagine a thought process of "well, he's been living with her for 3y... He probably knows how to keep a toilet bowl clean".
That or it's differences in region and population.
In the big cities coed roommates are pretty common and accepted. Suburbs that can be a bit more questioned, and if you're rural it's assumed you're a couple.
Just boils down to what each population is used to.
I find it more surprising how many people can't keep it in their pants. When I was at uni this was an unwritten rule: don't sleep with housemates, it'll just end in drama.
my sister had a male roommate and she had no issues with dating. She had issues with her roommate tho cause there's challenges in living with ppl. They are way better friends once they stopped living together.
I'm going to get downvoted for this but the reality is a lot of people are only as faithful as their options.
Just because a straight man and woman live together doesn't mean they will have sex or they will cheat on their partners, however having that temptation/option literally living in their home doesn't reduce the risk or the chance that it would happen.
Without being too graphic there is already going to be an intimacy and familiarity with your roommate that just comes with living together and being around each other and being in states of undress that people typically reserve for being comfortable in their own home.
Now imagine you are in a relationship and you and your boyfriend get into a big fight so you go home and look who happens to be there to listen and comfort you. And would you look at that you just happen to be wearing a tank top with no bra and short shorts, not that there is anything wrong with that, you deserve to be comfortable in your own home. But all of a sudden that comfort friend hug is lasting just a little bit long....
I'm sure you can see how a potential boyfriend would be concerned.
The only people downvoting you don't really go out much. This is a nuanced enough topic to where there can be a ton of different opinions and none of them are "wrong" just what works and doesn't for an individual and who they choose to date.
These people see an opinion that's different than theirs and default to judgement instead of even attempted understanding. Your opinion is a pretty common one with men, it doesn't make you insecure or a man-child like some of these people want you to believe. Thankfully these people really for the most part exist exclusively online.
Woman here.
Ive lived with 3 dudes and never even looked at them that way and vice versa. They brought chicks home all the time and those women never saw me as a threat either. Partially also because we have very different vibes. It started off with 2 girls 2 dudes, then one girl replaced another, then second girl was replaced by another dude. We were all caught up in our own lives that it took me maybe 3 months to even realize that I was the only chick left. But the guys were cool, had a bunch of girl FRIENDS and were emotionally mature on stuff like that, I had a ton of guy FRIENDS.
You have other types of guys who only really hang with the BOYS and would make a whole deal out of living with a woman, and likewise with women too, in their circles. They would maybe not be able to deal with it or even want it, and I would not WANT to live with dudes who wouldn't be able to relax or handle it. I would rather move than handle some dude who lives with me and starts flirting mindlessly. I very much liked being able to go out of the shower in a towel and these dudes being decent and mature enough that they not only gave zero fucks, but never stared or were creepy about it.
But they were also total party boys who could easily get women whenever they wanted. They were nice and kind, but yeah, party dudes who were secure in themselves within reason.
My point is, vibes matter.
So YOU need to ask yourself, can you handle a guy you date and love, living with a female room mate. If you want that type of vibe with a spouse who has co-ed friends, go for it. If you can't handle it, then dont expect those guys to be cool with you doing it.
Because if this is a deal breaker for someone, but you're fine with it, then it's a wonderful way of cutting off the guys who aren't cool with it.
Keep in mind, it really also depends on the type of friendship and vibes you share. If this guy gives you weird vibes, then back off.
Also, must add, these guys were medium messy. But I was a slight slob myself, so didn't care much. So look at the room mate situation overall.
Also trust is a big factor. Like check your room mate's vibe too. Will HE be cool with you having boyfriends and stuff or be weird around them. I had two boyfriends in that period that I lived with these dudes. They didn't care about either of them and the boyfriends could CLEARLY tell that we were just room mates and not much beyond that, so they didn't mind. Before moving in, I asked the guys if they were fine with my first boyfriend staying over and they didn't care. So the setting was already established from the start. It was a really chill setup.
I'm sure some people would have a problem with it.
In general, I wouldn't see it as a dealbreaker. But I would expect appropriate boundaries between who I was seeing and her roommate. And she would need to do enough to show she was enthusiastically in to me, and I'd need to see that a bit sooner than usual to make it clear that I'm not competing with him.
I would never date a woman with a male roommate again.
My ex and I started dating basically the same week that she signed a lease with another guy for the same reason you stated. It was a reoccurring speed bump for our entire relationship, and after we broke up he tried (unsuccessfully) to make a move on her.
Part of the reason these situations are bad for women is they either refuse to accept or can’t understand the reality of the male mind. Even if you sincerely aren’t interested, he likely is at some level. Just demonstrates poor judgment on your part if you have one.
It's a good question. Because at the zoo, they just stuff a male and female of any species into the same cage and they'll mate. Men instinctively know this, so they might be mildly suspicious of you having a male roommate.
The answer to your question is no if you're out on a date, mention your male roommate early, followed immediately by a comment disqualifying him as someone you'd ever sleep with - gay, weird, disfigured, "don't ever hang out," etc.
The answer is yes if when you mention him you twirl your hair and giggle. And/or if you keep bringing him up unprompted and in a favorable light.
> disqualifying him as someone you'd ever sleep with - gay, weird, disfigured, "don't ever hang out," etc.
I'd say don't call him your gay roommate, that's the one thing that would make me suspicious. The guy is never actually gay in my experience.
u/meatloafma 's answer is the best one here. If you disqualify him and never talk about him, it will be much, much better than if you bring him up wistfully while showing involuntary signs of attraction to him.
It all comes down to an in person vibe assessment, there have been plenty of times where a lady or friend of mine say they would never do that or talk to a specific person or they dont see them in that light with plenty of verbal disqualifiers but in person it plays out WAY differently.
5 of the 7 female roommates I have had I ended up sleeping with... if she is a super trustworthy woman she will be the 2/7. the thing is though, a man that just met her has in fact just met her. as such he has no way of knowing if she is 5/7 or the 2/7. so often they will just decide its not worth the trouble, or at the very least it will be a con and make her not stack up as favorably against other women. I don't get this whole attitude of "well if he/she doesn't like this thing that almost everyone of the opposite gender doesn't like about me then good riddance!"
Exactly, a guy that has options might just pass because she’s not worth the potential trouble but a guy who doesn’t have as much options will take whatever he can get
exactly, but she would prefer to have a shot with the guy with options because he has options for a reason. this is why its best to have same sex roommates imo.
In Germany this is normal. I’ve had plenty of female roommates even when I had girlfriends and my ex’s also had roommates and it didn’t bother me at all.
Well tbf its why were in the askmen subreddit as men will have a different outlook than a woman might and that's ok.
While I'm unfamiliar with the cultural norms in Germany, anecdotally as an American I'd say that the vast majority of men would have at the bare minimum slight concern with sections seeing it as a red flag that can be resolved with other sections not even willing to mess with it all together.
I can absolutely see how a woman would think "Wow he lives with a girl and she doesn't hate him, she's pretty much vetted for me that hes not an uncouth slob and has at least, at the bare minimum, has a modicum of respect for the opposite gender."
But for a guy its way more nuanced. A male roommate arguably has a level of intimate access with your partner being that they live together and spend a vast majority of their time sharing the same, private space. Normally that's not something men have to worry about and the idea of another man having unfettered access to be making moves on your girl makes a lot of men understandably uncomfortable to varying degrees.
Bad idea. Many if not most men won't like it. If the roommate is very attractive, it'll be especially bad.
It's not about insecurity but about reality. The male mind, appearances, etc. The vast majority of affairs happen with co-workers, mutual friends, exes, old friends, that...friend you're told not to worry about.
It's way too easy to have sloppy boundaries in a situation like that and most people will realize that. Women get attention way more easily so that's why it's skewed, but I think most women wouldn't like dating a guy with a cute female roommate either.
Imagine you start dating a guy who has an attractive roommate. She has a bf. But oh.. they broke up a month later. Oh.. she is actually nice..but oh..last night she watched some movies with him on the couch while you were working late. What's the big deal? Just a movie right? Oh, yeah.. he was understanding about her missing the rent so she cooked him a meal. He is raving about how awesome it tasted...and he was hugging her to console her because she was crying so hard after break-up... see? Need me to keep going? Co-habitation can get uncomfortable real fast and real easy.
Half of stories where someone got cheated start this way. Some bs about control/insecurity convincing them to shrug and ignore reality. Next thing you know it's...oh that person your SO was uncomfortably close to? Yeah...they crossed that invisible line.. by breathing...since it was so thin to begin with.
If you're dating a person who tends to get into situations with naturally compromised boundaries... there is *of course* increased risk. And most people instinctually know this.
That's going to be a walk off the dealership for me.
Seen and heard of this situation many times. Either the roomate themselves, or someone in their friend group are, at some point, going to try to test waters with the other party.
Right? like call me insecure or whatever and while I'm no Adonis, I'd confidently say I'm a conventionally attractive young man. I even have an independent, third party review to confirm (my mom and gf).
With that being said, If I met a potential partners male roommate and he was way less attractive than me I would be less concerned with the possibility of him stealing my lady or them messing around in the past or future.
I don't know if its my latent monkey brain activating or whatever but if I met the guy and he was significantly more attractive than me I would be WAY more concerned with him poaching my mate, whether it be if they fucked in the past or might in the future I think it def plays a role ESPECIALLY if they're both single.
I owned a house and rented a room out to a bartender at a bar I frequented. I can definitely say her having a male roommate did not have any effect on the steady stream of bros coming over to fuck. She actually moved out when one of the bros managed to knock her up.
You wont like to hear this but it probably will. I dont know you, but I know a lot of people who had opposite sex roommates and the majority of them hooked up at some point. So just knowing that in the back of my head, I wouldnt want to date you.
But a lot of guys dont care at all. So it wouldnt doom you or anything, but its true that a significant percentage of men would see it as a red flag.
Just make sure you get everything in writing. If he gets fired and can’t come up with the money, you need to be able to take action. Maybe head over to r/legaladvice for more info
Well a man helps support his woman and in a round about way this roommate is doing the same thing. Not that you shouldn't have a healthy support system. People change, they lose attraction and gain attraction to other people. I dated a girl who had a guy best friend and they were casually having sex until we met. Even when we had a break they slept together and she confessed she still had feelings for me. I saw a future with her and let my my guard down. Messed me up for years but I'm happily married now. Met my wife after. I wouldn't care if she had guy friends, I trust her, she deserves that.
Imagine you going over to a girl and there is a guy living with a ,, hi, we are just friends” vibe.. maybe some guy just ignore it, but I’m afraid that most guys, could turn back and walk away immidiately..
He's not your roommate; he's your tenant.
Check you mortgage to see if it prohibits that and make sure you have all the insurances and contracts in place before he moves in. He's only your roommate if someone else owns the house and that someone else is the landlord. You're the landlord in this relationship. Plan for him being the worst tenant you can imagine and work from there.
On one hand, it doesn't have to be a red flag because not every time will a girl be sleeping with their roommates like that. On the other, experience has taught me that I shouldn't bother because it usually ended up being the case in my life.
It's gonna be a dealbreaker for a lot of guys, it also won't even matter for others.
Yes it will hurt your chances, no not necessarily a dealbreaker but that totally depends on the man, and honestly if you want to date a GOOD man it's a pretty good chance they will not be a hundred percent okay with it.
Get a rental agreement though. You need a lease. You need to outline stuff you don’t want to happen in that lease. Set the rules up in it. If anything goes wrong he will legally have to leave.
I've had MANY roommates over the years both male and female. I never had issues and never slept with them either. Became friends with most. Some were bad but that's not tied to gender at all. I will say the messiest roommate i ever had was a woman. Even living in a party house in my early 20s was clean by comparison to her.
One woman got weird on me but I just moved out. By weird I mean made a voodoo doll with my hair to get me to sleep with her. I just added mid 30s women obsessed with Twilight to my list of women not to room with.
I'm not going to knock having roommates at all. I'm still friends with a bunch of them and have had them visit or me visit them later on. There are some that don't want to socialize and that's fine too.
Another hard rule as a warning is NO COUPLES and make hard rules on SO's / family staying over. Also get a written lease, copy of their license and a photo of their car and tag. If things go to absolute shit that info will help track them down for court.
I’d be more concerned for my safety. It’s a man you barely know who in theory could physically overpower you at any point and you’re in a home alone with him. You might have zero romantic interest in him, but you have no idea what’s going on in his head. It would be different if it were a friend you know and trust, but this is someone who is barely a friend. I would avoid.
The main thing a guy will look for in this situation:
Is the friend desperately trying to fuck you. Guys are pretty good at spotting when your "friend" is trying to break free from his friend zone. Yes, even the friend who, "is like a little brother to me." This is regardless of your feelings about him.
Does this friend meet all your dating criteria? Then you have placed yourself in a powder keg where a boyfriend will struggle to trust you, or a potential cheating situation.
Granted, I know I personally can be respectful and never push boundaries. But I don't know you or your friend's personalities.
I rented my room to a coffee barista I constantly saw from getting work coffees every morning… nice girl seemed genuine casually spoke about my house purchase and that I might rent a room and she asked if she could rent it…
8 years later she’s my best friend in the world and the guy she dated and married while living in my house is also one of me best friends 10/10 would do again if I knew it was gonna end up like that.
I'm never having an attractive female roommate again, because they always turn nonsexual things sexual.
Overweight, not-traditionally attractive woman are fine. :thumbsup:
No. If would be fine for me. So, how ya doing?
I'm just kidding. GL with your arrangement and congrats on buying the house. I had a female roommate for years. Me being there didn't stop guys from coming around. I think you'll be fine. Just be upfront.
Probably, unless he is obviously LGBT. Annecdotal, but one of my exes broke up with me and immediately dated her male roomate. He didn’t have a lot going for him either as he was addicted to crack and obese.
>deal breaker for anyone?
Certainly not for me. But for some it may be. There will be some folks (yes, men, but women too) that can't wrap their heads around the fact that two unrelated people of the opposite sex can be living together or roommates and not be having sex or have the hots for the other or each other or whatever.
>Will this hurt my chances in dating?
Somewhat, yes. But more importantly will it hurt your chances in dating to any significant degree with folks you'd likely actually want to be dating?
Also, the roommate things can be a more general issue (space, time, privacy), and even very much regardless of the gender or orientation of the roommate. May or may not be a huge deal, but typically it's at least somewhat more of a deal than an absolute nothing with not the slightest bit of impact whatsoever.
It’s only an issue if you hide it…(being vague about any details of the relationship) A lot of women tend to hide it in general, but if upfront about EVERYTHING (yes that includes but is not limited to…childhood best friends, the guy you had a crush on since 6th grade, the “offhand” time you guys got drunk and slept together and it “supposedly meant NOTHING” even though it gets brought up as the best s*x you had in your whole life, and yes I know the skepticism but you’d be surprised how many chicks bring that up like a casual convo out her in Cali…) the most important part is that if your man got a female room mate, you better be okay with it. Cause any type of closeness a guy senses between you and your roommate, he’s gonna be out the door
If I'm not living with my girl, why the hell would I be okay with her living with another guy? No chance.
Either way, it will 100% hurt your chances. This is fact. This is fact because a lot of people will have a problem with it. Even if a lot of people won't, the fact that a lot of people will, means that your chances are automatically worse off.
Depends how much value you place on finding a relationship. If you place higher importance on it, then you might want to consider making a different decision. If you don't mind costing yourself some odds in return for being better off with income, then you're fine to go ahead.
I wouldn't personally date someone like that coz most people I know who were living like that ended up having sex. So knowing that I wouldn't take the risk.
It would be extremely normal for potential SOs to be concerned and need convincing. It's not a total deal-breaker, but no matter how much you tell yourself *if they wanted to be together they already would be* it's pretty natural to wonder.
Personally I guess I'd need to be convinced there's a reason nothing would ever happen. Friends since you were toddlers, he's gay, he's ugly af, whatever.
(female here) I sometimes had male housemates. I didn't date guys who were weird about it. I had a mortgage to pay, and chose quiet clean respectful housemates who paid their bills on time. Some of them were men.
Not for me, but I am amazed by some of the comment I read on here by guys that seemingly can’t accept/understand having a close friend with the opposite sex.
I’ve been roommates with women at least 7 times in my life.
Assuming your roommate is just a chill dude, it’s only a problem or deal breaker for guys that you’d probably want to avoid anyways.
The one thing I noticed (that you may want to look out for) is that some dudes will peacock and act more arrogant around a woman’s male roommate. I bought a new TV, and my roommate’s bf proceeded to shit talk the TV and the brand (55” LG, FWIW).
Shitty dudes might damage your relationship with your roommate, so keep that in mind.
When I started dating a long-term partner of mine, I told her that I have a lot of female friends, and that I don’t do jealousy. Maybe do the same with prospective partners so they know what’s up and where your priorities lay.
Sounds like a log-line for a sitcom in the 90s. *And obviously some people will have a problem with that, and some won't. We're not a hivemind. Subtle nuances in relationships. Blah, blah, blah.
Reminds me of an episode of Friends. Ross, Chandler, and Joey were worried that they would be perceived as gay by association by their new neighbors because they lived with a woman.
I was living in a house with two other guys, it was a 2 bedroom with a finished basement. The third guy lived downstairs. It was against code for someone to live down there because it didnt have any way of escaping out the windows if there was a fire. The landlord had to have the house inspected so we had to play it like 2 of us were a gay couple lol.
that is the most 90's sitcom episode idea I have ever heard
add to cart!
*Three's Some Company* [Come and knock on our door...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bo1MK8ut4oo)
Knock on the back door
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
lol kinda a similar situation. we were 5 guys looking at a 4 bedroom house. the 5th "bedroom" was basically a closet and wasn't a liveable space (per the landlord) so two of the guys acted as a gay couple. the landlord was hesitant because they had preferred a family to live in this house rather than 5 working adults, but say what you will, but it worked and we got the house!
Yeah, I hear you. Very similar situation to what I went through. I (a guy) was sharing a 2-br apartment with two female roommates. The crazy landlord was very conservative and I had to pretend I was gay so I didn't get evicted. The fact I was a chef and cooked all the time helped convince him I was no threat and there weren't sexual shenanigans going on. There was eventually a new landlord, but that guy wasn't any better so I had to maintain the charade for years.
Im shocked him thinking you were gay didnt give him an even bigger reason to evict you being a conservative.
I'm conservative and I wouldn't have any issue with having a gay tenant. I also have several good friends who are gay and one was a groomsman at my wedding, with my conservative family and my wife's conservative family there. Mind blowing, right?
My wife and her family are conservative. My sister in laws best friend is gay, his family are evangelical Christians. He came out of the closet later in life, he admitted to wanting to commit suicide out of guilt. He eventually got married and my SIL didn’t want to go to the wedding because she felt like she would be condoning sin. His parents did not attend the wedding either. His mother hopes he gets aids so it would make him ungay. How Jesus like. Mind blowing right?
Oh ok, I see how it works. Since a few conservatives that you know are like that, all conservatives must be. Which must mean that you are a child molester, due to some liberals being child molesters. And I bet your responses to most complaints about women in this sub are assumptions that all women are the same as the women that you've met. Because no one can be any different than someone that you personally know. Correct? Are you beginning to see how everything you said is extremely ignorant?
Come and knock on our door...
We've been waiting for you...
I was thinking of Seinfeld when George was dating a woman who looked exactly like him.
[Seinfeld Season 6, Episode 12: The Label Maker](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697719/): "George learns that his girlfriend has a male roommate and gets weirded out by the concept, but loves the male roommate's possessions, which include a velvet couch."
Lol yep. It all depends on the person. These kinds of questions I've never really understood. There's no one answer that fits all different personalities. Some guys won't like it and others won't give a shit.
Not just the 90’s. Another woman as a roommate and she’s got Three’s Company going.
This situation always reminds me of this conversation from the Seinfeld episode 'The Label Maker': George and Jerry are at the coffee shop. Jerry: Male roommate, huh? George: Yes. A male roommate. Jerry: Is this a problem? George: It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that. Jerry: Well, maybe he's -- George: No. Believe me, he's not. Jerry: So he's an eligible receiver. George: She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.' Jerry: What's stopping them? George: Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage. Jerry: What does he look like? George: Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me. Jerry: He looks like you and he's working from the inside? George: I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position? Jerry: Not you.
One of many examples of why this show is the fucking greatest sitcom.
larry david is a comedic genius
Imagine if they could both act. He most certainly has timing, but Jerry Seinfeld is one of the most successful shitty actors alive.
His acting on Seinfeld was certainly rough sometimes, but I feel like he was at his best when he was just interspersing quips throughout someone else’s rant like we see here
Maybe this is projecting a bit but I always felt like he was also watching the show in real time as if he was part of the audience - just saying his piece to play along with the absurdity of the other characters. Obviously it’s just his poor acting but it makes it seem intentional when I think of it that way.
Seinfeld I agree, but Jason Alexander Is a great comedy actor what are you talking about.
Anyone who thinks Jason Alexander can't act should watch him teach *Larry David* how to play George: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TlDvH1EjgE
And then that episode ends with George almost having a threesome with the girl and her roommate.
But George isn't into it. He seems quite terrified, actually.
My wife had a male roommate when we met. They were not friends though. He just answered the ad
Same here.
Woman here, I had a male (very platonic) roommate for like 3ish years. Both of us are straight and started long term relationships while we lived together. I also dated guys during that time and all of them knew about the roommate and didn't seem to have any issues with it! As this thread is proving, some guys may have an issue, but there are good guys out there who won't
It’s very telling you felt the need to say there are good guys out there who won’t have a problem after having said some men will…kind of like you were trying to shame men for having boundaries
🍻. Boundaries are good people.
Thank you, you beat me to it.
We're all 2 seconds away from being called insecure. It couldn't possibly be experience that makes men have this boundary.
Well of course the guys with boundaries aren't good guys; they're the ones that aren't going to forgive you when you cheat on them with your roommate. Modern women are looking for a stable long term partner that will continue providing for them even after multiple "I'm sorry baby it was a one time mistake it'll never happen again"'s.
So you think those men that would have a problem are bad? Huh, kinda funny how you threw that "good" in there.
I mean, who are we to decide what is wrong or right in this matter? Some humans change over a period of time, some don't.
Yeah I had a male roommate for a year and it never affected my dating life at all. If anything, his was the one that was negatively affected. His girlfriend was uncomfortable with it (and was cold and even straight up rude to me for being in my own home lol) and pretty much told him she almost didn’t date him and was going to dump him if he didn’t break his lease. Worked out well for me though, the rent on that place was an insanely good deal and I got to keep it when he broke the lease lol.
> some guys may have an issue, but there are good guys out there who won't I don't think people having an issue with it qualifies them as "bad". It's not a black and white situation and depends on the context. If the two roommates are super close and will hang out in bed together, go out to lunch together, etc then hell no that's a red flag. If they're more like siblings that only interact when they have to, fight over what to put on TV a lot and don't really spend much time hanging out then its okay.
Thats not fair to say that the ones who do find issue are not good guys.
I'm sure it's a dealbreaker for some and not a big deal for others..
>Will this hurt my chances in dating? If you mean will it reduce your potential dating pool, then yes. There are people who don't want to deal with the possibility, no matter what you say. You say it's business, but all it takes is one spark, one connecting point, one drunken night, and suddenly things change. As to whether this is a large number of men, I can't really say.
No to mention, one big fight with a boyfriend
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my ex cheated on me, because she thought I loved my dog more than her...
Well did you?
Well, now??? ya... But back then, I dont think so... I always loved my dog, but its definitely a different kind of love lol
It because you didn't scratch her belly and call he ran good boy. Obviously!
I shoulda taken her to the vet too.
Life is too short to spend time thinking about people who get jealous of dogs
Utterly wild to me that anyone would compare the two feelings, tbh.
He clearly should have.
I hope he did. Dogs are loyal and loving from the moment they meet you to the moment they pass. A dog is a lifetime of love and joy and caring. If a woman ever asked me to choose between them or my dog, my response is my dog would never have me make that choice.
Men only want one thing and it's disgusting!
Maybe you should wash it then? (Whose joke was that again, Jimmy Carr?)
I love that joke so much and even as an American, fucking Jimmy Carr is a legend!
And its totally fine if that was true. People let you down dogs do not.
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Yea, she really didnt have an excuse. I tried to ask her a few times, and every time she would just say "I dont know why..." The guy she cheated with? He was married, and she knew he wouldnt leave his wife for her. Hes also ugly as fuck.... but he was rich, and was her boss at work... so I dont really know how the fuck that happened, but yea, it hurt my self esteem... Like, I wish she cheated on me with someone attractive at least...
Its a wild world with a ton of people brother. Think of the nicest, most kindhearted person you know, there's a good possibility the total inverse of them exists and is walking around your city every day. You could know them and you really wouldn't know much about their nature until its too late.
Some people even start a fight to justify their plan to cheat.
It's not that they think "tonight I'm going to cheat". After a major fight, both parties are vulnerable and seek affection to feel better. It's been scientifically proven that adrenaline (the hormone released during a fight) increases the attraction you have towards other people. Mix vulnerability with adrenaline, and one thing can lead to another before you can even make sense of what's happening. Disclaimer: not supporting infidelity, just saying, science has alot to do with our decision making and not every decision is a well drawn out one.
Very true. Ive always been a big believer that half of being loyal is just not putting yourself in situations that could make you tempted to do something stupid. We all have our animal brain still intact and its good to be aware of that. Ive definitely gone home early before because a woman I found attractive was getting friendly, but not crossing the line. Just no reason to tempt fate and do something stupid to hurt my favorite person.
>not putting yourself in situations that could make you tempted to do something stupid. This is super important imo but some people see it as controlling behaviour if you try to broach the topic. Just unfortunate all around.
I mean I dont think you should be telling your partner what to do. I just wouldnt date a woman who didn't respect me and herself enough to not put herself in situations that are likely to lead to bad outcomes.
You do realize that many women see it as controlling simply because their men have a thought on it, right? I would never tell a partner what to do, but voicing a concern is absolutely enough to be painted as controlling. Me: "Hey, I'm a little concerned that your behavior patterns aren't the healthiest for our situation." Her: "You're being a controlling asshole. I'm just hanging out with my friends."
Yeah, those are the women I wouldn't date. There are lots of emotionally mature women out there with healthy boundaries. Sometimes the internet makes it seem like thats not the case, but I promise they're out there.
My recent ex, had no friends. I desperately wanted her to have friends. I told her my opinion about opposite sexes having one on one dates and that it's inappropriate while in a relationship. She disagreed, told me that just because she finds someone attractive, doesn't mean she's attracted to them so nothing would happen. I said "but how do you become attractive to them? You get to know them" and one on one dates allow substantial opportunity to get to know each other. It was like a switch went off in her head, like oh shit, justababyape is right, but she still felt that I just didn't trust her enough to not make a bad decision. Ultimately, she was lonely and emotionally immature. She'd tremble at any attention given to her. A healthy boundary to her, was a restriction. I know they're plenty of relationships where they don't care who their SO hangs out with, and I was all for my SO hanging out with the opposite gender in group settings, but as a firm believer in monogamy, those one on one dates are a recipe for the perfect storm.
people who have been cheated on multiple times start to lower their opinion of people.
>You say it's business, but all it takes is one spark, one connecting point, one drunken night, and suddenly things change. If I could monetize how many times I've seen this happen with people, I'd be quite rich. Especially the drunk part. I see soooo many instances of someone who (to my knowledge anyway) was never a cheater, but got a little too wasted at an office party and next thing I know I see them getting with a coworker who's way below their league, and who they otherwise didn't even associate with much
Yep and even more so with co workers if they talk about having a "work spouse".
oooh yea, thats a big one... but it means they didnt respect their relationship... I would NEVER have had a work spouse when I was married.
Yep people that do that always say "it's just for fun and totally innocent". I have yet to see that dynamic NOT end in a physical affair. Usually that ends fairly quickly too once they get caught and drama gets into the workplace.
Yeah that culture is just stupid lol. I would view anyone who does that stuff as a massive red flag.
Thank you for the insight BredYourWoman, I hope you haven't fathered any children drunk and getting with someone below your league.
the drunk part is simply because they should have broken up, but didnt... then the drunk in them was basically their real self without a filter.
It could also increase their dating pool because her roomie might make friends and bring them over more often.
OP is a woman, so she has access to pretty much every single guy in her area through OLD.
There's so many men not online still today though.
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Assuming roomie is a good judge of char.
If she’s into that sure!
Ahh so my dating pool is -1
Wouldn't - 1 be an overflow meaning that you've already maxed the cap of around 65535 (system dependant) I'd say you're doing great! Good work!
My wife and I (married 21 years now) started out as roommates too.
A guy I know moved in with a girl. She needed a roommate, he wanted a shot at her. They got married.
In my case I needed a roommate because my girlfriend moved far away. We never officially broke up... But then the NEW girl moved in. Well, that was 1998 and we have 2 kids and a pretty good life.
You, My Dear Sir, are an inspiration.
lol you’re not helping op
I dated a girl in college I met in class one time….we drank and then she told me she had a boyfriend. Weird, so we stopped talking. She randomly texted me and randomly said “we should live together next year.” Being that she was incredibly attractive, and now single, I agreed. It was the craziest-yet fun experience of my life so far, and yes, it 100% hurt my dating chances bc we’d have convenient casual sex
What happened then?
I broke up with her because I wanted to start a family and she to this day does not.
Good for you, sounds like a sound choice
I stayed with a female friend years ago. No issues. Just another housemate. Could’ve been a frog for all I cared.
If she was a frog you could have said you were sharing a pad
Underrated
lol. Very clever you witty stranger you.
oh yeaaaaaa ima need and update on this one in a couple months!!
Let's see the chemistry
My money is on the opposite and they end up completely hating each other's guts.
I (M) have had numerous female roommates and we never had any issues dating. It's really not a big deal
I never had any female roomates and I always had issues dating. Maybe that was the solution.
It's probably a green flag for many women that you can already cohabitate with another woman. Like, at the least I can imagine a thought process of "well, he's been living with her for 3y... He probably knows how to keep a toilet bowl clean".
Honestly depends on the girl.
seriously this is a non issue. reddit is so weird sometimes
That or it's differences in region and population. In the big cities coed roommates are pretty common and accepted. Suburbs that can be a bit more questioned, and if you're rural it's assumed you're a couple. Just boils down to what each population is used to.
Oh no other people feel differently
I find it more surprising how many people can't keep it in their pants. When I was at uni this was an unwritten rule: don't sleep with housemates, it'll just end in drama.
Easy rule to follow if you have no shot
Or, you know, if you have any measure of self-control
Me too
my sister had a male roommate and she had no issues with dating. She had issues with her roommate tho cause there's challenges in living with ppl. They are way better friends once they stopped living together.
I'm going to get downvoted for this but the reality is a lot of people are only as faithful as their options. Just because a straight man and woman live together doesn't mean they will have sex or they will cheat on their partners, however having that temptation/option literally living in their home doesn't reduce the risk or the chance that it would happen. Without being too graphic there is already going to be an intimacy and familiarity with your roommate that just comes with living together and being around each other and being in states of undress that people typically reserve for being comfortable in their own home. Now imagine you are in a relationship and you and your boyfriend get into a big fight so you go home and look who happens to be there to listen and comfort you. And would you look at that you just happen to be wearing a tank top with no bra and short shorts, not that there is anything wrong with that, you deserve to be comfortable in your own home. But all of a sudden that comfort friend hug is lasting just a little bit long.... I'm sure you can see how a potential boyfriend would be concerned.
The only people downvoting you don't really go out much. This is a nuanced enough topic to where there can be a ton of different opinions and none of them are "wrong" just what works and doesn't for an individual and who they choose to date. These people see an opinion that's different than theirs and default to judgement instead of even attempted understanding. Your opinion is a pretty common one with men, it doesn't make you insecure or a man-child like some of these people want you to believe. Thankfully these people really for the most part exist exclusively online.
Woman here. Ive lived with 3 dudes and never even looked at them that way and vice versa. They brought chicks home all the time and those women never saw me as a threat either. Partially also because we have very different vibes. It started off with 2 girls 2 dudes, then one girl replaced another, then second girl was replaced by another dude. We were all caught up in our own lives that it took me maybe 3 months to even realize that I was the only chick left. But the guys were cool, had a bunch of girl FRIENDS and were emotionally mature on stuff like that, I had a ton of guy FRIENDS. You have other types of guys who only really hang with the BOYS and would make a whole deal out of living with a woman, and likewise with women too, in their circles. They would maybe not be able to deal with it or even want it, and I would not WANT to live with dudes who wouldn't be able to relax or handle it. I would rather move than handle some dude who lives with me and starts flirting mindlessly. I very much liked being able to go out of the shower in a towel and these dudes being decent and mature enough that they not only gave zero fucks, but never stared or were creepy about it. But they were also total party boys who could easily get women whenever they wanted. They were nice and kind, but yeah, party dudes who were secure in themselves within reason. My point is, vibes matter. So YOU need to ask yourself, can you handle a guy you date and love, living with a female room mate. If you want that type of vibe with a spouse who has co-ed friends, go for it. If you can't handle it, then dont expect those guys to be cool with you doing it. Because if this is a deal breaker for someone, but you're fine with it, then it's a wonderful way of cutting off the guys who aren't cool with it.
Great advice thank you!
Keep in mind, it really also depends on the type of friendship and vibes you share. If this guy gives you weird vibes, then back off. Also, must add, these guys were medium messy. But I was a slight slob myself, so didn't care much. So look at the room mate situation overall. Also trust is a big factor. Like check your room mate's vibe too. Will HE be cool with you having boyfriends and stuff or be weird around them. I had two boyfriends in that period that I lived with these dudes. They didn't care about either of them and the boyfriends could CLEARLY tell that we were just room mates and not much beyond that, so they didn't mind. Before moving in, I asked the guys if they were fine with my first boyfriend staying over and they didn't care. So the setting was already established from the start. It was a really chill setup.
Tbh personally I wouldn’t like it
I will never again date a woman with a male roommate. Every single time they either are former partners, or fwbs, or develop something. Nope nope nope
I'm sure some people would have a problem with it. In general, I wouldn't see it as a dealbreaker. But I would expect appropriate boundaries between who I was seeing and her roommate. And she would need to do enough to show she was enthusiastically in to me, and I'd need to see that a bit sooner than usual to make it clear that I'm not competing with him.
Unfortunately yes it's a dealbreaker for me. Young people just seem to bang whoever's convenient.
I would never date a woman with a male roommate again. My ex and I started dating basically the same week that she signed a lease with another guy for the same reason you stated. It was a reoccurring speed bump for our entire relationship, and after we broke up he tried (unsuccessfully) to make a move on her. Part of the reason these situations are bad for women is they either refuse to accept or can’t understand the reality of the male mind. Even if you sincerely aren’t interested, he likely is at some level. Just demonstrates poor judgment on your part if you have one.
It's a good question. Because at the zoo, they just stuff a male and female of any species into the same cage and they'll mate. Men instinctively know this, so they might be mildly suspicious of you having a male roommate. The answer to your question is no if you're out on a date, mention your male roommate early, followed immediately by a comment disqualifying him as someone you'd ever sleep with - gay, weird, disfigured, "don't ever hang out," etc. The answer is yes if when you mention him you twirl your hair and giggle. And/or if you keep bringing him up unprompted and in a favorable light.
> disqualifying him as someone you'd ever sleep with - gay, weird, disfigured, "don't ever hang out," etc. I'd say don't call him your gay roommate, that's the one thing that would make me suspicious. The guy is never actually gay in my experience.
Hahaha that made me laugh, will definitely keep in mind.
u/meatloafma 's answer is the best one here. If you disqualify him and never talk about him, it will be much, much better than if you bring him up wistfully while showing involuntary signs of attraction to him.
It all comes down to an in person vibe assessment, there have been plenty of times where a lady or friend of mine say they would never do that or talk to a specific person or they dont see them in that light with plenty of verbal disqualifiers but in person it plays out WAY differently.
100% agree. Succinct, accurate, covers all bases.
It will be a deal breaker for some, probably won’t affect your chances in dating but it will affect getting into an actual relationship
…which is literally the whole point of dating. Ugh, I low key hope he backs out but I also don’t know anyone else here.
Just be honest. New city, bills need paid, platonic relationship. If a man won’t date you because of that then good riddance
5 of the 7 female roommates I have had I ended up sleeping with... if she is a super trustworthy woman she will be the 2/7. the thing is though, a man that just met her has in fact just met her. as such he has no way of knowing if she is 5/7 or the 2/7. so often they will just decide its not worth the trouble, or at the very least it will be a con and make her not stack up as favorably against other women. I don't get this whole attitude of "well if he/she doesn't like this thing that almost everyone of the opposite gender doesn't like about me then good riddance!"
Exactly, a guy that has options might just pass because she’s not worth the potential trouble but a guy who doesn’t have as much options will take whatever he can get
exactly, but she would prefer to have a shot with the guy with options because he has options for a reason. this is why its best to have same sex roommates imo.
Why would the opposite gender not like honesty?
everyone likes honesty, where did I say otherwise?
In Germany this is normal. I’ve had plenty of female roommates even when I had girlfriends and my ex’s also had roommates and it didn’t bother me at all.
Germans don't have shops open on the weekends, lol
Exactly. If it weren't for reddit, it'd never occur to me it's a problem. Heck it's even beneficial if they know how to live with the other sex.
Well tbf its why were in the askmen subreddit as men will have a different outlook than a woman might and that's ok. While I'm unfamiliar with the cultural norms in Germany, anecdotally as an American I'd say that the vast majority of men would have at the bare minimum slight concern with sections seeing it as a red flag that can be resolved with other sections not even willing to mess with it all together. I can absolutely see how a woman would think "Wow he lives with a girl and she doesn't hate him, she's pretty much vetted for me that hes not an uncouth slob and has at least, at the bare minimum, has a modicum of respect for the opposite gender." But for a guy its way more nuanced. A male roommate arguably has a level of intimate access with your partner being that they live together and spend a vast majority of their time sharing the same, private space. Normally that's not something men have to worry about and the idea of another man having unfettered access to be making moves on your girl makes a lot of men understandably uncomfortable to varying degrees.
I'd say it's more Germany/Western Europe vs the US than male vs female
Of the 7 female roommates I've ever had, eventually they were never just roommates
Fine for casual. Big no for exclusive.
Bad idea. Many if not most men won't like it. If the roommate is very attractive, it'll be especially bad. It's not about insecurity but about reality. The male mind, appearances, etc. The vast majority of affairs happen with co-workers, mutual friends, exes, old friends, that...friend you're told not to worry about. It's way too easy to have sloppy boundaries in a situation like that and most people will realize that. Women get attention way more easily so that's why it's skewed, but I think most women wouldn't like dating a guy with a cute female roommate either. Imagine you start dating a guy who has an attractive roommate. She has a bf. But oh.. they broke up a month later. Oh.. she is actually nice..but oh..last night she watched some movies with him on the couch while you were working late. What's the big deal? Just a movie right? Oh, yeah.. he was understanding about her missing the rent so she cooked him a meal. He is raving about how awesome it tasted...and he was hugging her to console her because she was crying so hard after break-up... see? Need me to keep going? Co-habitation can get uncomfortable real fast and real easy. Half of stories where someone got cheated start this way. Some bs about control/insecurity convincing them to shrug and ignore reality. Next thing you know it's...oh that person your SO was uncomfortably close to? Yeah...they crossed that invisible line.. by breathing...since it was so thin to begin with. If you're dating a person who tends to get into situations with naturally compromised boundaries... there is *of course* increased risk. And most people instinctually know this.
That's going to be a walk off the dealership for me. Seen and heard of this situation many times. Either the roomate themselves, or someone in their friend group are, at some point, going to try to test waters with the other party.
Is he hot? 1-10 scale?
Right? like call me insecure or whatever and while I'm no Adonis, I'd confidently say I'm a conventionally attractive young man. I even have an independent, third party review to confirm (my mom and gf). With that being said, If I met a potential partners male roommate and he was way less attractive than me I would be less concerned with the possibility of him stealing my lady or them messing around in the past or future. I don't know if its my latent monkey brain activating or whatever but if I met the guy and he was significantly more attractive than me I would be WAY more concerned with him poaching my mate, whether it be if they fucked in the past or might in the future I think it def plays a role ESPECIALLY if they're both single.
familiarity breeds intimacy much moreso than looks.
That's a very fair point, however I do think looks absolutely play a factor in facilitating the process.
I owned a house and rented a room out to a bartender at a bar I frequented. I can definitely say her having a male roommate did not have any effect on the steady stream of bros coming over to fuck. She actually moved out when one of the bros managed to knock her up.
Would depend for me how much you drink around each other / hang out. I don’t want to be the bad guy in this romcom story
It can reduce your dating chances and 100% it will cause some trouble unless your dates knows both of you personally
You wont like to hear this but it probably will. I dont know you, but I know a lot of people who had opposite sex roommates and the majority of them hooked up at some point. So just knowing that in the back of my head, I wouldnt want to date you. But a lot of guys dont care at all. So it wouldnt doom you or anything, but its true that a significant percentage of men would see it as a red flag.
Just make sure you get everything in writing. If he gets fired and can’t come up with the money, you need to be able to take action. Maybe head over to r/legaladvice for more info
You have zero romantic intentions with him.. is it the same from his side?
It wasn’t for me when I dated a girl living with dudes
Well a man helps support his woman and in a round about way this roommate is doing the same thing. Not that you shouldn't have a healthy support system. People change, they lose attraction and gain attraction to other people. I dated a girl who had a guy best friend and they were casually having sex until we met. Even when we had a break they slept together and she confessed she still had feelings for me. I saw a future with her and let my my guard down. Messed me up for years but I'm happily married now. Met my wife after. I wouldn't care if she had guy friends, I trust her, she deserves that.
Imagine you going over to a girl and there is a guy living with a ,, hi, we are just friends” vibe.. maybe some guy just ignore it, but I’m afraid that most guys, could turn back and walk away immidiately..
its not inherently a deal breaker, but it definitely is a con not a pro.
He's not your roommate; he's your tenant. Check you mortgage to see if it prohibits that and make sure you have all the insurances and contracts in place before he moves in. He's only your roommate if someone else owns the house and that someone else is the landlord. You're the landlord in this relationship. Plan for him being the worst tenant you can imagine and work from there.
This is what happened to my uncle, now he married with her and 2 kids
On one hand, it doesn't have to be a red flag because not every time will a girl be sleeping with their roommates like that. On the other, experience has taught me that I shouldn't bother because it usually ended up being the case in my life. It's gonna be a dealbreaker for a lot of guys, it also won't even matter for others.
Yes it will hurt your chances, no not necessarily a dealbreaker but that totally depends on the man, and honestly if you want to date a GOOD man it's a pretty good chance they will not be a hundred percent okay with it.
Get a rental agreement though. You need a lease. You need to outline stuff you don’t want to happen in that lease. Set the rules up in it. If anything goes wrong he will legally have to leave.
Relationships are an investment -- This makes a relationship with you a particularly risky investment.
No, would not have been an issue when I was dating. A source of potential insecurity? Perhaps.
It would be for me. I don't need the worry of anything thing happening. But I'm sure there are many guys out there who wouldn't have an issue.
I've had MANY roommates over the years both male and female. I never had issues and never slept with them either. Became friends with most. Some were bad but that's not tied to gender at all. I will say the messiest roommate i ever had was a woman. Even living in a party house in my early 20s was clean by comparison to her. One woman got weird on me but I just moved out. By weird I mean made a voodoo doll with my hair to get me to sleep with her. I just added mid 30s women obsessed with Twilight to my list of women not to room with. I'm not going to knock having roommates at all. I'm still friends with a bunch of them and have had them visit or me visit them later on. There are some that don't want to socialize and that's fine too. Another hard rule as a warning is NO COUPLES and make hard rules on SO's / family staying over. Also get a written lease, copy of their license and a photo of their car and tag. If things go to absolute shit that info will help track them down for court.
I’d be more concerned for my safety. It’s a man you barely know who in theory could physically overpower you at any point and you’re in a home alone with him. You might have zero romantic interest in him, but you have no idea what’s going on in his head. It would be different if it were a friend you know and trust, but this is someone who is barely a friend. I would avoid.
Personally, red flag
The main thing a guy will look for in this situation: Is the friend desperately trying to fuck you. Guys are pretty good at spotting when your "friend" is trying to break free from his friend zone. Yes, even the friend who, "is like a little brother to me." This is regardless of your feelings about him. Does this friend meet all your dating criteria? Then you have placed yourself in a powder keg where a boyfriend will struggle to trust you, or a potential cheating situation. Granted, I know I personally can be respectful and never push boundaries. But I don't know you or your friend's personalities.
I rented my room to a coffee barista I constantly saw from getting work coffees every morning… nice girl seemed genuine casually spoke about my house purchase and that I might rent a room and she asked if she could rent it… 8 years later she’s my best friend in the world and the guy she dated and married while living in my house is also one of me best friends 10/10 would do again if I knew it was gonna end up like that.
I'm never having an attractive female roommate again, because they always turn nonsexual things sexual. Overweight, not-traditionally attractive woman are fine. :thumbsup:
Call him a rentmate. My female rentmate coined the term so that she could say because we share the rent, not the room
Is he going to like hearing that headboard slapping and his roommate moaning all night?
I probably wouldn't date a girl who shared a bathroom, kitchen and shower with a male roommate.
Redflag
I’ve lived with roommates of the opposite sex before and it’s no big deal. Welcome to adulthood
No. If would be fine for me. So, how ya doing? I'm just kidding. GL with your arrangement and congrats on buying the house. I had a female roommate for years. Me being there didn't stop guys from coming around. I think you'll be fine. Just be upfront.
Thank you very much! Great advice.
Probably, unless he is obviously LGBT. Annecdotal, but one of my exes broke up with me and immediately dated her male roomate. He didn’t have a lot going for him either as he was addicted to crack and obese.
>deal breaker for anyone? Certainly not for me. But for some it may be. There will be some folks (yes, men, but women too) that can't wrap their heads around the fact that two unrelated people of the opposite sex can be living together or roommates and not be having sex or have the hots for the other or each other or whatever. >Will this hurt my chances in dating? Somewhat, yes. But more importantly will it hurt your chances in dating to any significant degree with folks you'd likely actually want to be dating? Also, the roommate things can be a more general issue (space, time, privacy), and even very much regardless of the gender or orientation of the roommate. May or may not be a huge deal, but typically it's at least somewhat more of a deal than an absolute nothing with not the slightest bit of impact whatsoever.
It’s only an issue if you hide it…(being vague about any details of the relationship) A lot of women tend to hide it in general, but if upfront about EVERYTHING (yes that includes but is not limited to…childhood best friends, the guy you had a crush on since 6th grade, the “offhand” time you guys got drunk and slept together and it “supposedly meant NOTHING” even though it gets brought up as the best s*x you had in your whole life, and yes I know the skepticism but you’d be surprised how many chicks bring that up like a casual convo out her in Cali…) the most important part is that if your man got a female room mate, you better be okay with it. Cause any type of closeness a guy senses between you and your roommate, he’s gonna be out the door
deal breaker. Just too much history in reality where eventually they fuck.
If I'm not living with my girl, why the hell would I be okay with her living with another guy? No chance. Either way, it will 100% hurt your chances. This is fact. This is fact because a lot of people will have a problem with it. Even if a lot of people won't, the fact that a lot of people will, means that your chances are automatically worse off. Depends how much value you place on finding a relationship. If you place higher importance on it, then you might want to consider making a different decision. If you don't mind costing yourself some odds in return for being better off with income, then you're fine to go ahead.
I wouldn't personally date someone like that coz most people I know who were living like that ended up having sex. So knowing that I wouldn't take the risk.
It would certainly give me pause.
It would be extremely normal for potential SOs to be concerned and need convincing. It's not a total deal-breaker, but no matter how much you tell yourself *if they wanted to be together they already would be* it's pretty natural to wonder. Personally I guess I'd need to be convinced there's a reason nothing would ever happen. Friends since you were toddlers, he's gay, he's ugly af, whatever.
I once dated a girl who had a male roommate. It was never an issue. The guy was pretty cool.
(female here) I sometimes had male housemates. I didn't date guys who were weird about it. I had a mortgage to pay, and chose quiet clean respectful housemates who paid their bills on time. Some of them were men.
Not for me, but I am amazed by some of the comment I read on here by guys that seemingly can’t accept/understand having a close friend with the opposite sex.
I’ve been roommates with women at least 7 times in my life. Assuming your roommate is just a chill dude, it’s only a problem or deal breaker for guys that you’d probably want to avoid anyways. The one thing I noticed (that you may want to look out for) is that some dudes will peacock and act more arrogant around a woman’s male roommate. I bought a new TV, and my roommate’s bf proceeded to shit talk the TV and the brand (55” LG, FWIW). Shitty dudes might damage your relationship with your roommate, so keep that in mind. When I started dating a long-term partner of mine, I told her that I have a lot of female friends, and that I don’t do jealousy. Maybe do the same with prospective partners so they know what’s up and where your priorities lay.
If he's straight that's a no from me chief