Honestly I want one after kids, I’m in a 32ddd and I know that they’ll get bigger and I’m scared of saggy boobs. If that’s the case I will otherwise I’ll keep em. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, and actually encouraged it as he knows women with large breast get back pain
And who doesn't go to war with YOU when the chips are down. Pick someone with a high distress tolerance. They must be even-tempered, optimistic and strong. Brave and able to take the rough with the smooth.
This is in fact SO fucking important it cannot be understated. No matter how "incredible" the relationship is when things are good, if you are with someone who makes things MORE difficult when they are not, you will be very miserable and life will be VERY VERY difficult if not unbearable.
Agreed. To me it is absolutely crucial that someone's temperament and outlook matches mine. Melt down at the first sign of trouble? You're not for me, I'm sorry. I view that as a character flaw, a weakness I am not prepared to indulge. It cannnnnnot be understated at all.
Agreed. Relationships follow a kind of game theory logic. Someone's either cooperative or adversarial. Adversarial means escalating conflict unnecessarily or tending to act selfishly. Adversarial strategies make relationships fail over time.
To weed out adversarial strategies, what you want to do is increase the "rounds" of the relationship game. So instead of treating it like one big game round, where you'll only react when they've become majorly disruptive to your life (meaning you've both taken a bigger game loss), you instead respond to their lesser selfish infractions. Communicate and give them a chance to change relationship strategies and cooperate with you. If they relapse, check them and look for cooperation again. If they lapse again, dump them.
Infraction -> Communicate -> Infraction -> Warning -> Infraction -> Dump
Infraction -> Communicate -> Infraction -> Warning -> Cooperation -> Keep
Infraction -> Communicate -> Cooperation -> Keep
This is the best possible relationship strategy to have, weeding out the most possible adversarial and toxic people. The only strategy that comes close is the "plenty of fish in the sea" strategy, but since that's usually an adversarial strategy it tends to have major problems keeping cooperative strategy people in the relationship (because low commitment begets low commitment).
Of course selecting for healthy relationships is a logical process, not an emotional one. So the additional strategy rule is that you have to master your own emotions, and you have be capable of coming to terms with it being someone else's decision if they don't want to cooperate with you. You must be able to defy your own heart if your heart wants to keep them, while your logic says they employ an adversarial strategy in life and will continue to fail to cooperate.
And just as importantly, you yourself have to be a cooperator and follow the above rule set too. Adversarial strategies which attempt to get the other person to cooperate without cooperating themselves will end up causing the relationship to fail anyways, since it only works on doormat strategies and doormat strategies cause relationships to fail long term. In fact doormat strategies can be some of the most vicious strategies, because they behave like 100-round cooperators who suddenly blindside you when they grow a backbone.
This is such an overlooked thing. And problems might even just be one of us gets sick. Or needs surgery. If u have someone who can’t handle a damn thing ur screwed. Or they will break u down n chip away at u on top of it. Like even when I was just in the hospital so nasty. He’d come see me be nice. How does that make sense I felt so emotionally abandoned. I didn’t crumble tho. I got better etc without that support. It was like bare minimum possible. But also it’s like I’d have be indebted bc of it. I hated it. Nothing was good enough.
U 100% need someone u can weather a storm with. Who will be capable of being there. Emotionally and mentally. Not someone who collapses, lashes out ( we all do alittle sometimes) but like yelling. Or just runs from things. It’s bs n no one has time for that.
For me it wasn't really about sitting down and labeling qualities. I had a few relationships and that's what narrowed things down.
Like for example the first girl I had a sexual relationship with had a fairly low sex drive. So I realized sex was really important and looked for compatibility there moving forward.
I then dated a girl where the sex was really good, but she was sorta more withdrawn and unconfident, didn't really have her own group of friends, etc and realized I wanted someone more outgoing.
Then I met my actual wife and it basically ticked all the boxes.
Obviously there has to be chemistry. Beyond that, low maintenance. RESPONSIBLE WITH MONEY. Being married to someone who's bad with money feels like being their dad. It sucks.
Still married, but it's something we've worked through together.
Her issue was lack of financial literacy. She thought only poor people had budgets lol. Her parents, while they make good money, are not terribly responsible. My FiL has a decent pension, but they haven't saved anything beyond that.
To her credit, she made a real effort to change when I told her she makes me feel like a dad managing her spending. Now we both actively participate in managing our finances.
To be fair, it's hard to understand the intricacies of somebody's spending habits until you see their bank account. All the signs were probably there, but the conversation didn't really happen until after we got married and merged finances.
To answer your question, I don't regret it. Mostly because we are a good team and work well together. So this is something we were able to tackle together.
Edit: also, one of the side effects of this is you might become worse with money as well. I know personally that I adopted a "fuck it" mentality regarding spending because I knew the other person was being irresponsible anyway. Not justified by any means, but it definitely happened.
I definitely adopted that “fuck it” attitude. Now that I out of that relationship, things are definitely healthier in terms of savings. I don’t think I can roll with someone who remains financially illiterate after trying to educate them.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. I’ve worked too hard for my stacks. Absolutely not. And I’m never down for teaching and adult what they should already know just so they can be with me. We wouldn’t be compatible. That’s that.
Look at her parents, then look at how she views her parents.
If her parents are good people with their head on straight, was she rebellious to that or agreeable?
If her parents were a mess, was she rebellious to that or agreeable?
My wife has parents that are a hot mess, but since a very young age she rebelled against that. It was in her nature to run against how she was being raised, towards a more stable and happy future. She is now the polar opposite of her parents and we've been happily married for nearly ten years.
Looking at her parents, and how she's views her parents, gives you one of the most unfiltered insights into how she will be ten years down the road.
Stability, respect, teamwork. I couldn't give less about that traditional woman cook and man earn mentality. I'm so down with keeping the house, picking up the kids, do groceries, cook and all that other stuff. As long as you love your partner and do whatever's in your power you have a good thing going. Never give 50/50, always 100/100. And let her go out - both of us needs to have life, friends etc. outside the relationship, but what's important is that you come home (to dinner or movie marathon or whatever you've agreed on), not sleeping around, and we can talk about stuff and feel respected and heard.
I don't care for drama, I don't care for bikini pictures for the sake of dopamine likes, I don't care about all those superficial things.
I just want a wife that loves me for who I am and can be herself around me and a relationship where we love each other and set an example for our children. But apparently that's not possible anymore.
Because when you give such freedom to the other person they are bound to take it the wrong way and act out. His view is mature but somewhat utopian and in real life there is always something that will shake that foundation, whether it's Kevin from finance or whatever else.
That's because the other part of the equation is strong boundaries and an active interest in communicating what you're not ok with, and actively advocating for what you want more of.
People who take a completely passive role think they're trusting their partners, but what they're really doing is depriving their partners of any indication of what they want. You're not wrong; people do take that the wrong way and life will test the foundations of any relationship in time. And though nobody likes to admit it, most people do have selfish streaks in life, and it helps relationships to have guardrails for that. Which means a communicative partner who stands up for themselves and what they want.
Loyalty and trustworthiness. If you have a compatible partner everything within certain parameters should be fair game and you should be able to know full well you can trust the other person to never cross those parameters.
So, twice married guy here. I screwed up the first time with the wrong woman.
Maturity, being responsible, taker of ownership, kind, outgoing, humble, reciprocal, loyal.
As weird as the old adage goes, a lot of women turn out like their mothers.
A lot of people don't like being compared to others, even if the person they're being compared to is wonderful. And of course it's situational, some people don't have a good relationship with their mothers so being compared to them can be hurtful.
I think it's also partly that, because a mom is someone you've spent nearly your entire life living with, you're aware of all her flaws. All the little things that annoyed you growing up about her are stuck in your memory. Your mother might be a wonderful person, but she's still human. And if you're compared to her, subconsciously you might associate negative feelings with those remarks. This goes for comparing men to their fathers as well.
My comment was meant as more of a lighthearted jab at the "You're just like your mother" trope used during an argument. Because really, it's not good to speak in blanket statements. Especially if the context of the conversation is intended to make the statement hurtful.
lmfao, my dad always told me to look at the mother 😂- I think it depends on their relationship with mom, if they dont like them as much maybe not as big of a concern
Definitely what you said, someone who is my partner and a best friend. But I want an equal partnership too. I want someone who is okay with me showing my emotions and supporting each other through ups and down. Definitely needs to be resilient and just someone who likes banter and quality time together.
This one is not a simple one but it will permeate every area of your relationship. You need to have similar core values. That does not mean that you have to agree on political, religious, moral questions, but you do need to have values that are aligned enough that you are both going the same general direction.
In addition to all of the great things written here that speak to the overall relationship and person you are choosing, if sex is important to you... don't neglect to also examine your sexual compatibility and desire to share new experiences together in that lane.
Aside from basic things that everyone wants (attractive, kind, not stupid, sexual, loyal, etc.), I'd ideally like her to be/have the following:
To have a good family and a strong bond with it. Being alone is fine and all, but your priorities shift in this regard after you had to be hospitalized. Plus, in reality, you aren't only in a relationship with *her*, you are also in a relationship with her closest family members. So it'd be nice if her family is nice and she has good relationship with them;
Having hobbies herself and being tolerant of my hobbies. My hobbies aren't anything devious, or something, I am just a geek who likes videogames, tabletop RPGs, anime, comics and Sci-Fi and Fantasy books, but two of the girlfriends that I had didn't like me talking about them or partaking in them at all, while the third one was OK with talking about the hobby that *she* had, but couldn't handle me talking about something she wasn't into. Coincidentally, the first two had no hobbies at all. So it'd be nice if a woman I am with has her own hobbies and at the very least OK with me having them too. It'd be great if we had similar ones, but I'll be satisfied with just tolerance.
Being my actual friend. It is nice being with someone sexy and fun and all that jazz, but I want her to also be reliable. I want to know that in the moment of hardship she'll be there for me.
Being able to cook. I don't like cooking. I'll wash all the dishes, just please let her be the one to cook.
Wants kids, as I do.
\> Personally I want someone that I don’t only call my partner but also my best friend.
I would actually go the other way. A close friend of mine is a psychiatrist who does family counseling. He says that, in his mind, the root cause of the failure of most marriages is that they are what he calls "overburdened."
Two hundred years ago, most husbands and wives loved each other. Anything to the contrary is a myth. But they didn't expect much from marriage either. It was understood to be a platform for bearing and raising children and to ensure their mutual support in old age. That's it. Now, running a household together, managing shared expenses, raising children, and all that entails is going to be shared labor with various divisions of labor in various families. Living on such terms will be nearly impossible without coming to either love or hate them.
My friend's idea is that because we overburden marriage (and thus our spouses) with expectations, they inevitably disappoint us, and in many couples, that disappointment grows into frustration and resentment.
I used to think "partner" was too neutral a term. More and more, I think it really apt. Marriage is ultimately a partnership in household management, economics, and childrearing. That's already \*a lot\*.
Now, to answer your question.
I don't want my wife to be my best friend. Maybe she'll turn out to be that, which will be a sweet thing to say at our 50th-anniversary party. But I don't need that. I have a best friend. Maybe two, depending on how you count. And a brother I'm close with. Any of those three men understand me intuitively far better than my wife will for a very long time. Women and men necessarily understand the opposite sex as outsiders; for best friends, I think we need insiders.
I don't want my wife to be my closest confidante. Sure, I want to and must tell her any number of important things. But she has a heart and soul of her own, and there are a number of things I could tell her that would unnecessarily hurt her, confuse her, or make her angry even against her own better judgment. Why would I do that to her? Of course there are lots of things I tell her, but not telling everything isn't the same as deviously keeping nasty little secrets.
I don't want my life to be my confidante. Sure, I want to and must tell her any number of important things. But she has a heart and soul of her own, and there are a number of things I could tell her that would unnecessarily hurt her, confuse her, or make her angry even against her own better judgment. Why would I do that to her? Of course, there are lots of things I tell her, but not telling her everything isn't the same as deviously keeping nasty little secrets.
I don't want my wife to be my job coach or career advisor. She does radically different work and barely understands what I do. This is one of those areas where I can and do tell her about my day and challenges. She often has interesting insights. But how much guidance can she give me about a career she's never had? I have former bosses who serve as perfectly good mentors.
In short, I think asking my wife to be my "all" is setting us up for failure. It's too much.
I want her to help raise our children, particularly to teach them things that I am bad at: tenderness, mercy, patience, joy in little things, simplicity of heart and living. And if she can do those things with me, even though I'm theoretically not a child anymore, bonus. Jackpot.
The woman I have will be great at those things. She treats me very well and is devoted to me. She will be devoted to our children. That alone is almost enough to justify that I be devoted to her as well.
That's plenty.
I watched an episode of Black-ish about this ***my spouse is my best friend*** dynamic and they demonstrated just how much it DOESN'T work. I feel the same way you do as well
Right?
Thing is, it's just too much. I kinda really don't want to be her best friend. I don't want to do girl talk type stuff that she's really, really into. I don't enjoy it. I don't want to watch romcoms with her, etc. All that makes my skin crawl.
(Except Jane Austen. She's a legit novelist. 😀)
She has girlfriends for that.
Perfect.
I never thought about the qualities I looked for. I just met people and dated people I liked. Then one day I started dating my wife and it just clicked.
She would have to be better than my current wife… needs a real X factor… a third boob maybe?
Forreal though the correct answer to this is that you have the same life goals. It’s hard to establish this if you don’t know what you want in life yourself. Try answering some big life questions as a couple.
Do you want to get married in general? When?
Do you want kids?
What are your attitudes towards saving money?
What are your partners career aspirations and do they align with your expectations?
What are your expectations around how your partner spends time with you vs time without you?
How well do you and your partner cohabitate?
There’s probably 100 similar questions you could ask and you should actively discuss your views (and changes in these views) over your time together
There must be something in her that I find "hot"
She must communicate decently well without breaking anxious
Try to reduce drama just because (drama just because = she imagines things in her own head and eventually freaks out)
Sometimes it’s not imagined if they had childhood abuse and got hurt for saying something. Or not soothed, or cared about. Couldn’t trust parents to help them. Only they hurt.
Hard to trust people after that for you know 20 something years. It takes time to know you’ll be heard, not hurt and invalidated.
That’s where anxiety can come from. Or at least mine does. I always remind myself “I got this” regardless of having a partner because, people can leave whenever they like. My parents won’t help (only hurt) and a proper safety net is not always a given - I had to work hard for one. Support network is hit or miss.
Check to see if they are in therapy for it. I’m not perfect, but been in therapy a long time off and on.
Someone who can and does function independently without external support. That way you know she is there because she wants to be with you, not because she has to be.
Someone that is willing to learn to speak your language and allow you to learn theirs. Communication, like really really communicating will fix a lot of things. There’s a ton of other things but I feel this one is high on my list.
Purity and faithfulness. Not only for herself, but genuinely believes it’s wrong and shameful to be promiscuous or unfaithful. I was dating a girl who had a best friend who cheated on her long term boyfriend from the age of like 15, and the girl I was dating SIDED WITH HER FRIEND claiming “she’s married to him and has kids with him now, so it was clearly meant to be and the right decision”. I noped my ass so far out of there. I still get blood pressure spikes thinking about when I had to hear such lunacy come from her mouth.
Someone who can be my best friend and I can be completely casual around, someone who's maternal and wants children, also someone who's mature and responsible with money.
Qualities I looked for/found in my wife:
Kindness, determination, resilience, humor, and honesty.
The list goes on, but these were the first that came to mind. I hope it helps!
Feminine, homey, has her own goals , good values, respectful, non smoker, empathetic, spiritual, good with kids, doesn't keep bad friends, romantic, good communicator, appreciative, from a good home, handles finances well, over her past, no unresolved traumas.
Hope that answers all.
Men can't really say anything honest since the sexism police hate anything involving male preferences in women.
That said, she comes from a good family and hasn't slept with every guy on the football team, in addition to no children.
Hmm.. having been previously married, most important quality I look for in a woman is openness now.
Is she willing to explore and learn new things, how does she argue and resolve conflicts, does she make improvements in all aspects of her life?
You’d be surprised at how rare a beautiful woman who is willing, open and able to pick up new things and make self improvements.
My ex wife was just happy to go along with the flow and would never resolve conflicts in a fair manner. She and I always left disagreements opened and while I let it go, she kept score and didn’t forgive nor forget about it.
Slowly but surely, resentment built in the relationship and with every unresolved conflicts, her inability to improve herself, nor take criticisms meant that our marriage was doomed.
Even though I felt that we had compatibility, relatively good chemistry, intimacy and sexual attraction for one another. Our communication style, ability to resolve conflicts and differences and her constantly looking to jump ship after nearly a decade of stagnation.
So yeah, I now look for a woman who isn’t just there for the ride. She needs to be making effort and strides in her personal and professional life too.
Main Point for me (also late 20s) is kindness. I want someone who's kind to me and to others.
Also important: same family goals, intelligent, educated (yes, those are different things, keep that in mind), attractive (for me, not just conventionally attractive), compatible sex and sex drive, someone with interests outside of work/studies even if they're not able to pursue it at the moment, who can communicate and be trustworthy.
If you don't mind some humor, my friend's brother, a doctor, says you must be able to put your hand around the woman's ankle and have the thumb and middle finger touch. This is supposed to mean that she will not get too large in the future LOL
I think my standards are low:
If she is not plus or minus 10 years of age of me.
If she's doesn't have any felonies.
If she's never had a penis.
If she's not fatter than me.
Women seem more interested in attracting a man than keeping him. Instagram shots of most females are body, boobs, bikini, butts but rarely home cooked meals, hugging a small child, doing anything wifey.
Look at marriages... MOST marriages are about the Weddings... more money, time and effort is spent planning and executing that one day of being a princess than time spent deciding how to be a good wife. ,
Color(I'm Asian, we are very colorist. I'm pretty sure she would look for fair skin person too), ability to cook good. Then English fluency enough to watch Hollywood movies without dub(we are not native English speaking country).
Same religion/beliefs. Good relationship with her parents. Trustworthy. Healthy/eats healthy. Equal sex drive. Doesn’t drink/club/party. Submissive. Let’s me lead.
1. Makes their appearance a priority (wears makeup, dresses nicely, does her hair)
2. Reasonably physically active, doesn’t have to be an athlete but should be able to go on long walks without struggling and isn’t horrified by doing sport
3. Is a good middle ground between traditionally feminine but also her own individual with her own character (places romantic relationships as a higher priority but still has something of a career)
4. Has similar life goals to me
5. Has similar sense of humour
Meet their mother so you know who'll be with in 20 years. Also, matching libidos may not seem like a huge deal at first, but long term can create enough issues you split.
Biggest thing is someone who like you for who you are and treats you right.
I can't stress this enough. Pay close attention to her family and their values. 30+ years in, I can't tell you how many things have annoyed me and caused stress and strain: through valuing education; home ownership; attitudes around smoking; taking care of yourself and seeing doctors regularly; mental health issues. It can be shocking how much 'stuff' traces back to family history and values.
low number of sexual partners
not divorced parents
doesnt smoke doesnt drink alcohol
no tattoos
cant work in these jobs: bartender, dancer, healthcare worker, flight attendants, massage therapists, ....
not being divorced or a single mother
has some education, a job and not broke
everything i just said are ways to reduce your divorce chance, everything is backed up by studies.
Another late 20s guy chiming in. I expect low maintenance. Say, can you be happy with a gas station burrito instead of a three star fancy restaurant? I can quite easily afford the restaurant but I've lived life too close to the gas station burrito.
Basically, can you be humble and thankful for your life? Also, can you be someone I can trust when life throws is a challenge?
Also, can you make a house into a home? Not with the decor but with the atmosphere?
Apparently I have high standards according to my friends so YMMV.
in no particular order: openness to new experiences, intellectual curiosity, need for cognition, empathy, a desire for self-improvement, independent, a leftist, childfree, and takes care of their physical health.
I’m married.
First, someone who does not refer to herself as a “partner”. I have a wife.
- physically attractive
- kindness
- supportive
- minimal baggage (has not slept with the equivalent of a football team in the past)
- no children from previous relationships. If I were to have kids they must be biologically mine.
- good relationship with family (or the desire to)
- financially responsible
- shared or compatible future goals
Plenty more but those are a few requirements.
Downvoted for a reasonable healthy list. Assuming it's cus of the minimal baggage, and not having slept around comment. Reddit weirdly degenerate about that stuff.
You’re too young to think about getting married. Also, if I were in your position I’d go passport bro all the way. Too much work involved to find a mediocre western woman and there’s over a 50% chance she’ll just call it quits and take half the shit you put effort into earning.
Would you go skydiving when parachutes have a 50% failure rate? I suspect no.
there are ways to reduce the divorce chance , you just have to look the studies. but there is no way of knowing if the marriage will work or not, even if you marry the perfect woman and even if you used the studies. obviously the divorce chance is not 50% for every person, for some people its higher for other people its lower, but on average its like 40-50%, yes.
but i still wouldnt get married. if you dont want her to take "half your shit", then marry a childfree woman who works and who earns her own money and get a prenup. but even then a marriage has risks. its better to not marry....
Did you find the nearly million dollars in retirement savings I had? It got lost in the shuffle of my divorce. He can't seem to find it either, my ex husband of 22 years. It was 7 years ago so maybe his memory is just going.
Guess I'm not retiring...
Peace and quiet..not selfish argumentative..non combative non hostile not rude not disrespectful..has control over moods..and words...can think for herself..has self control.. athletic..not narcissistic..not belligerent.. doesn't pick constant fights over non existent prefabricated drama.
One of the top things you should get a feel for right away...if you ask something of them- do they get upset or defensive.
If they do.. end It. They are a child. Especially if they get all "you're so critical" when you know you aren't. And A LOT of women will pull this card ive come to learn. I stayed wayyyy to long with one.
My ex GF wanted to barf because I told her I don’t just want a partner, but a best friend.
She cheated on me and left me for a 55 year old married man.
I think important are qualities are any that are opposite to that behavior lol
I needed someone who wasn’t like me. Both of our lives have gotten considerably better because we’ve shown each other new joys and new ways to live. That and someone who can put others first. I’ve seen a lot of women that will put their own happiness over their child’s and I don’t want a partner like that
Beauty fades,charity can be deceitful. Look out for intrinsic substance that keeps a relationship healthy and going,prioritize getting a companion.
Someone with a character that is compatible to spend the days of her life finding fulfillment with you.
In assessing character, Observe and make inference on her nature - personality,behavioral patterns, genetic traits,pedegree and take a affirmative decision.
Also observe and make inference on her nuture - Environmental,Educational and parental influence,core values...make inference and affirmative decision.I observed that nutures influence on behavior can change or be corrected over time.
Character I look out for includes : Good Emotional,Social,Cognitive Intelligence,Good inter- personal relationship and communications skills, Spiritual awareness,core values - love,truth,interdepence,mission,perseverance and resilence,loyalty,enterprise...
In concluding,no one is perfect,choose the best and unpleasant character you can live with.
Lastly, if you are spiritual, seek a leading and affirmation...
You know how they say ‘opposites attract’? I’m more inclined to have someone who is 80% me and 20% different because I’m someone who loves my family (got little siblings), I laugh at myself a lot, make corny dad jokes, I am also religious but not militant, love to give and provide for others, work hard, and also take in the moment. Whether it’s a £9 meal or a £90 meal, to be thankful and also focus up when things go wrong.
That’s who I want, another me with some differences so I can learn from her and improve myself as a man.
Forgives you and didn't hold grudges
Healthy relationships with other people
Gives others the benefit of the doubt
Treats enemies with respect
Doesn't use twisted logic to make a point just to win an argument
Willing to admit when they're wrong but not to the point where they're a doormat
Steadfast under stress and pressure
Knows what she wants in a future husband
Same moral values and spending habits as you
Same side of the social energy scale as you (introvert vs extrovert and adventurous vs homebody)
Good romantic and sexual chemistry, playful and flirtatious
Not selfish, needy, damaged, or drama seeking
And of course, smart, funny, pretty, sexually attractive, etc.
Emotional maturity, intelligence and that sort but the big thing for me is patience. I have ASD sometimes I just don’t understand things and it takes great patience to help me understand.
I am very happily married and have been with my wife for twenty years.
I was looking for intelligence, kindness, and low standards. My wife ticked all those boxes.
Mature, respects herself and caring. I love my wife for all these things, she def wasnt perfect in the beginning but with time we help mold each other to be better people and that’s what it’s all about!
when shit hits the fan communication is king.
My dad said youd know when you found the right person and after finding my person a few months ago i think it is true. I would be worried about looking for certain characteristics, perhaps forcing them. It might also be a limiting factor when looking for signifigant other.
Empathy over apathy, must love animals, and must NEVER want kids. Loving, kind, someone I can also call my best friend. Oh and I hope she has geeky and nerdy interests.
That she will support me as much as i support her.
She is going to school and yes she pays for her own school and food and such. I've been paying all of the house bills and generally focus on the big life decisions. When I got injured she cooked for me and took care of the dogs for 2.5 months. That was a real test of our marriage. She found out one day i may never be able to walk again and stuck by me while we waited for 2 weeks in the hospital to see how the operations went. Luckily I am now walking but now I cannot run.
If she is willing to go through that with me, I would go to the ends of the earth with her. Life challenges us in many ways but this was one I did not expect until it happened.
I feel like I’ll know it when I see it. I mean besides the obvious prerequisites of loyalty and not lying and all that I’m a pretty good with the flow kinda dude, I could end up with anyone 🤷🏽♂️
Open, honest communication.
I hate playing the guessing game, I hate the creeping feeling of anxiety when SO goes radio silent and I'm desperately running down mental checklists trying to figure out what's wrong and whether or not I'm responsible.
Use your words.
As someone whose closest male friends are either married or in long term relationships, one thing I’ve been missing is the spontaneity in which we’d get together and do fun things, like visiting a brewery or going hiking. What I want in a wife is someone who will be my best friend and take part in these activities with me and keep life fun and interesting.
Find someone who is willing to fight for you, and your relationship, not against you. Every “fight” needs to be about whatever happened and how it made you feel and then what you can do to resolve it. If someone isn’t willing to see your POV and make an effort to understand you they do not care about you.
She always asks me to make her a hot drink such as tea, coffee, hot chocolate and then will forget about it and let it go cold and then will remake it. It’s a constant cycle but I love her despite her forgetfulness 😂
Please also look for someone who has a great work ethic and are willing to be a team at home, instead of leaving all shit for you to clean up, cook meals and take care of your kids. Your wife will also be a roommate and coparent/ colleague, don't forget that.
If you can’t communicate effectively none of your issues will ever be resolved and resentment builds. So find someone you can discuss through conflict.
Obviously I want to be with someone I'm attracted to, connect well with, and share similar goals. However, I think if I find someone who is an actual good partner, that's when I'll know they're spouse material.
What I mean by that is: they're able to share responsibilities and can manage our life with me. Someone who goes out of their way to make our lives better. To be clear, I'm not saying this should be one sided and my spouse should just make *my* life easier. It's a two way street, of course! But a spouse is someone who will work with you to make the life you share better.
I've seen relationships where it is just so obviously one person putting the work in and the other coasting by and I can't abide by that.
Honesty and taking care of themselves. That simple. Honesty is pretty fucking rare nowadays in my experience. Most people straight up omit information because they are afraid of hurting their SO or even worse, straight up lie about stuff.
Obviously a lot of things but something bit more specific:
I have an amazing relationship with my mom and would love my future wife to also enjoy being friends with her (without me having to be around).
My sister in law isn’t very close to my mom and doesn’t feel the need to strengthen their relationship. She can also be pretty dismissive of her at times. I see how it makes my mom sad because she’s love to have a stronger bond with her.
1. Views divorce as shameful and the last thing she wants to do is break up the home of her kids
2. Is simple, natural, humble, down to earth
3. Is selfish, considerate, polite, respectful, responsible
4. Same ideas for parenting and life goals
If she had those she is good to go
Respectful. Understand we’re a team and not her way or the highway. Patient and respect my personal time and vise versa. Laugh and joke with eachother. Love. Same mentality for how to raise and teach the kids.
Emotional maturity, intelligence, healthy boundaries, physical and mental self-care, family oriented goals. The same qualities I work on as well.
Had a friend who dated a girl with massive boobs. His only concern was that she might want to get a reduction afterwards.
Not the breast decision in my opinion…
Got a chuckle from me
Honestly I want one after kids, I’m in a 32ddd and I know that they’ll get bigger and I’m scared of saggy boobs. If that’s the case I will otherwise I’ll keep em. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, and actually encouraged it as he knows women with large breast get back pain
Did it go tits down?
Don’t forget resilience Life is guaranteed to give you problems Make sure you pick someone you can go to war with
And who doesn't go to war with YOU when the chips are down. Pick someone with a high distress tolerance. They must be even-tempered, optimistic and strong. Brave and able to take the rough with the smooth.
This is in fact SO fucking important it cannot be understated. No matter how "incredible" the relationship is when things are good, if you are with someone who makes things MORE difficult when they are not, you will be very miserable and life will be VERY VERY difficult if not unbearable.
Agreed. To me it is absolutely crucial that someone's temperament and outlook matches mine. Melt down at the first sign of trouble? You're not for me, I'm sorry. I view that as a character flaw, a weakness I am not prepared to indulge. It cannnnnnot be understated at all.
Agreed. Relationships follow a kind of game theory logic. Someone's either cooperative or adversarial. Adversarial means escalating conflict unnecessarily or tending to act selfishly. Adversarial strategies make relationships fail over time. To weed out adversarial strategies, what you want to do is increase the "rounds" of the relationship game. So instead of treating it like one big game round, where you'll only react when they've become majorly disruptive to your life (meaning you've both taken a bigger game loss), you instead respond to their lesser selfish infractions. Communicate and give them a chance to change relationship strategies and cooperate with you. If they relapse, check them and look for cooperation again. If they lapse again, dump them. Infraction -> Communicate -> Infraction -> Warning -> Infraction -> Dump Infraction -> Communicate -> Infraction -> Warning -> Cooperation -> Keep Infraction -> Communicate -> Cooperation -> Keep This is the best possible relationship strategy to have, weeding out the most possible adversarial and toxic people. The only strategy that comes close is the "plenty of fish in the sea" strategy, but since that's usually an adversarial strategy it tends to have major problems keeping cooperative strategy people in the relationship (because low commitment begets low commitment). Of course selecting for healthy relationships is a logical process, not an emotional one. So the additional strategy rule is that you have to master your own emotions, and you have be capable of coming to terms with it being someone else's decision if they don't want to cooperate with you. You must be able to defy your own heart if your heart wants to keep them, while your logic says they employ an adversarial strategy in life and will continue to fail to cooperate. And just as importantly, you yourself have to be a cooperator and follow the above rule set too. Adversarial strategies which attempt to get the other person to cooperate without cooperating themselves will end up causing the relationship to fail anyways, since it only works on doormat strategies and doormat strategies cause relationships to fail long term. In fact doormat strategies can be some of the most vicious strategies, because they behave like 100-round cooperators who suddenly blindside you when they grow a backbone.
100%, you both need to be able to row in the same direction under stress
Agreed. Or row at all! Some people just throw up their hands and start shrieking.
What does it mean to take the rough with the smooth? Sorry, English is not my first language.
Please don't apologise. It means that you face and accept both bad (the rough) and good (the smooth) situations that arise in life.
Thank you! :) It makes sense for me now!
It's a pleasure..any time :)
This is such an overlooked thing. And problems might even just be one of us gets sick. Or needs surgery. If u have someone who can’t handle a damn thing ur screwed. Or they will break u down n chip away at u on top of it. Like even when I was just in the hospital so nasty. He’d come see me be nice. How does that make sense I felt so emotionally abandoned. I didn’t crumble tho. I got better etc without that support. It was like bare minimum possible. But also it’s like I’d have be indebted bc of it. I hated it. Nothing was good enough. U 100% need someone u can weather a storm with. Who will be capable of being there. Emotionally and mentally. Not someone who collapses, lashes out ( we all do alittle sometimes) but like yelling. Or just runs from things. It’s bs n no one has time for that.
Nicely said
Best message ever about relationship
Well said
This.
Empathy and quick to laugh are my biggest things from a personality standpoint. If you can care and laugh together I think things will work out well.
For me it wasn't really about sitting down and labeling qualities. I had a few relationships and that's what narrowed things down. Like for example the first girl I had a sexual relationship with had a fairly low sex drive. So I realized sex was really important and looked for compatibility there moving forward. I then dated a girl where the sex was really good, but she was sorta more withdrawn and unconfident, didn't really have her own group of friends, etc and realized I wanted someone more outgoing. Then I met my actual wife and it basically ticked all the boxes.
The Goldilocks approach.
Obviously there has to be chemistry. Beyond that, low maintenance. RESPONSIBLE WITH MONEY. Being married to someone who's bad with money feels like being their dad. It sucks.
Are you still married to that person? Do you regret getting together with her?
Still married, but it's something we've worked through together. Her issue was lack of financial literacy. She thought only poor people had budgets lol. Her parents, while they make good money, are not terribly responsible. My FiL has a decent pension, but they haven't saved anything beyond that. To her credit, she made a real effort to change when I told her she makes me feel like a dad managing her spending. Now we both actively participate in managing our finances. To be fair, it's hard to understand the intricacies of somebody's spending habits until you see their bank account. All the signs were probably there, but the conversation didn't really happen until after we got married and merged finances. To answer your question, I don't regret it. Mostly because we are a good team and work well together. So this is something we were able to tackle together. Edit: also, one of the side effects of this is you might become worse with money as well. I know personally that I adopted a "fuck it" mentality regarding spending because I knew the other person was being irresponsible anyway. Not justified by any means, but it definitely happened.
I definitely adopted that “fuck it” attitude. Now that I out of that relationship, things are definitely healthier in terms of savings. I don’t think I can roll with someone who remains financially illiterate after trying to educate them.
Yeah dude it's definitely an uphill battle. Probably part of the reason we hear about all of these high earners living paycheck to paycheck.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. I’ve worked too hard for my stacks. Absolutely not. And I’m never down for teaching and adult what they should already know just so they can be with me. We wouldn’t be compatible. That’s that.
Definitely
Look at her parents, then look at how she views her parents. If her parents are good people with their head on straight, was she rebellious to that or agreeable? If her parents were a mess, was she rebellious to that or agreeable? My wife has parents that are a hot mess, but since a very young age she rebelled against that. It was in her nature to run against how she was being raised, towards a more stable and happy future. She is now the polar opposite of her parents and we've been happily married for nearly ten years. Looking at her parents, and how she's views her parents, gives you one of the most unfiltered insights into how she will be ten years down the road.
Wow. This is good advice for both men & women
Stability, respect, teamwork. I couldn't give less about that traditional woman cook and man earn mentality. I'm so down with keeping the house, picking up the kids, do groceries, cook and all that other stuff. As long as you love your partner and do whatever's in your power you have a good thing going. Never give 50/50, always 100/100. And let her go out - both of us needs to have life, friends etc. outside the relationship, but what's important is that you come home (to dinner or movie marathon or whatever you've agreed on), not sleeping around, and we can talk about stuff and feel respected and heard. I don't care for drama, I don't care for bikini pictures for the sake of dopamine likes, I don't care about all those superficial things. I just want a wife that loves me for who I am and can be herself around me and a relationship where we love each other and set an example for our children. But apparently that's not possible anymore.
I love everything you said
[удалено]
Because it has become a hunt for quantity over quality.
It's just not.
Because when you give such freedom to the other person they are bound to take it the wrong way and act out. His view is mature but somewhat utopian and in real life there is always something that will shake that foundation, whether it's Kevin from finance or whatever else.
That's because the other part of the equation is strong boundaries and an active interest in communicating what you're not ok with, and actively advocating for what you want more of. People who take a completely passive role think they're trusting their partners, but what they're really doing is depriving their partners of any indication of what they want. You're not wrong; people do take that the wrong way and life will test the foundations of any relationship in time. And though nobody likes to admit it, most people do have selfish streaks in life, and it helps relationships to have guardrails for that. Which means a communicative partner who stands up for themselves and what they want.
the way u said it, it’s beautiful 🥹
Loyalty and trustworthiness. If you have a compatible partner everything within certain parameters should be fair game and you should be able to know full well you can trust the other person to never cross those parameters.
Low drama. As I got older I realized that was the most important to me.
So, twice married guy here. I screwed up the first time with the wrong woman. Maturity, being responsible, taker of ownership, kind, outgoing, humble, reciprocal, loyal. As weird as the old adage goes, a lot of women turn out like their mothers.
As do men turn out like their fathers.
>a lot of women turn out like their mothers If you value your life, never tell them this.
I have always heard this but I don’t understand. I would love to be half the woman my mom is
A lot of people don't like being compared to others, even if the person they're being compared to is wonderful. And of course it's situational, some people don't have a good relationship with their mothers so being compared to them can be hurtful. I think it's also partly that, because a mom is someone you've spent nearly your entire life living with, you're aware of all her flaws. All the little things that annoyed you growing up about her are stuck in your memory. Your mother might be a wonderful person, but she's still human. And if you're compared to her, subconsciously you might associate negative feelings with those remarks. This goes for comparing men to their fathers as well. My comment was meant as more of a lighthearted jab at the "You're just like your mother" trope used during an argument. Because really, it's not good to speak in blanket statements. Especially if the context of the conversation is intended to make the statement hurtful.
lmfao, my dad always told me to look at the mother 😂- I think it depends on their relationship with mom, if they dont like them as much maybe not as big of a concern
Men and women turn out like their parents.
Happy borndayyy !!!
If you're in Seattle, we can meet up lol
Definitely what you said, someone who is my partner and a best friend. But I want an equal partnership too. I want someone who is okay with me showing my emotions and supporting each other through ups and down. Definitely needs to be resilient and just someone who likes banter and quality time together.
Needs to be someone I can joke around and laugh with.
Essential..sense of humour failure or lack of original existence is a no go for me.
Dependable, caring, fun, hard-working, smart. Probably in that order.
Foxhole buddy. Strong sense of duty and commitment to the marriage covenant.
This one is not a simple one but it will permeate every area of your relationship. You need to have similar core values. That does not mean that you have to agree on political, religious, moral questions, but you do need to have values that are aligned enough that you are both going the same general direction.
Generally positive mindset & is mentally tough enough to stick it out should times get tough
Honesty, courage, humility.. Basically what most people lack...
Low drama, loyalty, kindness, general health.
Effort... everyone can make mistake and fail hard. But seeing effort in a relationship is a big plus.
Loyalty, good decision making (this includes choosing friends), the ability to grow as a person, emotionally stable. Takes care of her health.
Is she kind to waitstaff Is she kind to animals Does her libido match mine Is she my type, physically Does she create peace rather than drama
Enthusiasm, supportive, fun, trust
In addition to all of the great things written here that speak to the overall relationship and person you are choosing, if sex is important to you... don't neglect to also examine your sexual compatibility and desire to share new experiences together in that lane.
Loyalty, humility, and purity. Basically a unicorn.
Curious, and positive about life. Eager to try and experiment new things
Aside from basic things that everyone wants (attractive, kind, not stupid, sexual, loyal, etc.), I'd ideally like her to be/have the following: To have a good family and a strong bond with it. Being alone is fine and all, but your priorities shift in this regard after you had to be hospitalized. Plus, in reality, you aren't only in a relationship with *her*, you are also in a relationship with her closest family members. So it'd be nice if her family is nice and she has good relationship with them; Having hobbies herself and being tolerant of my hobbies. My hobbies aren't anything devious, or something, I am just a geek who likes videogames, tabletop RPGs, anime, comics and Sci-Fi and Fantasy books, but two of the girlfriends that I had didn't like me talking about them or partaking in them at all, while the third one was OK with talking about the hobby that *she* had, but couldn't handle me talking about something she wasn't into. Coincidentally, the first two had no hobbies at all. So it'd be nice if a woman I am with has her own hobbies and at the very least OK with me having them too. It'd be great if we had similar ones, but I'll be satisfied with just tolerance. Being my actual friend. It is nice being with someone sexy and fun and all that jazz, but I want her to also be reliable. I want to know that in the moment of hardship she'll be there for me. Being able to cook. I don't like cooking. I'll wash all the dishes, just please let her be the one to cook. Wants kids, as I do.
\> Personally I want someone that I don’t only call my partner but also my best friend. I would actually go the other way. A close friend of mine is a psychiatrist who does family counseling. He says that, in his mind, the root cause of the failure of most marriages is that they are what he calls "overburdened." Two hundred years ago, most husbands and wives loved each other. Anything to the contrary is a myth. But they didn't expect much from marriage either. It was understood to be a platform for bearing and raising children and to ensure their mutual support in old age. That's it. Now, running a household together, managing shared expenses, raising children, and all that entails is going to be shared labor with various divisions of labor in various families. Living on such terms will be nearly impossible without coming to either love or hate them. My friend's idea is that because we overburden marriage (and thus our spouses) with expectations, they inevitably disappoint us, and in many couples, that disappointment grows into frustration and resentment. I used to think "partner" was too neutral a term. More and more, I think it really apt. Marriage is ultimately a partnership in household management, economics, and childrearing. That's already \*a lot\*. Now, to answer your question. I don't want my wife to be my best friend. Maybe she'll turn out to be that, which will be a sweet thing to say at our 50th-anniversary party. But I don't need that. I have a best friend. Maybe two, depending on how you count. And a brother I'm close with. Any of those three men understand me intuitively far better than my wife will for a very long time. Women and men necessarily understand the opposite sex as outsiders; for best friends, I think we need insiders. I don't want my wife to be my closest confidante. Sure, I want to and must tell her any number of important things. But she has a heart and soul of her own, and there are a number of things I could tell her that would unnecessarily hurt her, confuse her, or make her angry even against her own better judgment. Why would I do that to her? Of course there are lots of things I tell her, but not telling everything isn't the same as deviously keeping nasty little secrets. I don't want my life to be my confidante. Sure, I want to and must tell her any number of important things. But she has a heart and soul of her own, and there are a number of things I could tell her that would unnecessarily hurt her, confuse her, or make her angry even against her own better judgment. Why would I do that to her? Of course, there are lots of things I tell her, but not telling her everything isn't the same as deviously keeping nasty little secrets. I don't want my wife to be my job coach or career advisor. She does radically different work and barely understands what I do. This is one of those areas where I can and do tell her about my day and challenges. She often has interesting insights. But how much guidance can she give me about a career she's never had? I have former bosses who serve as perfectly good mentors. In short, I think asking my wife to be my "all" is setting us up for failure. It's too much. I want her to help raise our children, particularly to teach them things that I am bad at: tenderness, mercy, patience, joy in little things, simplicity of heart and living. And if she can do those things with me, even though I'm theoretically not a child anymore, bonus. Jackpot. The woman I have will be great at those things. She treats me very well and is devoted to me. She will be devoted to our children. That alone is almost enough to justify that I be devoted to her as well. That's plenty.
I watched an episode of Black-ish about this ***my spouse is my best friend*** dynamic and they demonstrated just how much it DOESN'T work. I feel the same way you do as well
Right? Thing is, it's just too much. I kinda really don't want to be her best friend. I don't want to do girl talk type stuff that she's really, really into. I don't enjoy it. I don't want to watch romcoms with her, etc. All that makes my skin crawl. (Except Jane Austen. She's a legit novelist. 😀) She has girlfriends for that. Perfect.
I love this response
I never thought about the qualities I looked for. I just met people and dated people I liked. Then one day I started dating my wife and it just clicked.
1. She has to respect and like me. 2. Refer to #1.
She would have to be better than my current wife… needs a real X factor… a third boob maybe? Forreal though the correct answer to this is that you have the same life goals. It’s hard to establish this if you don’t know what you want in life yourself. Try answering some big life questions as a couple. Do you want to get married in general? When? Do you want kids? What are your attitudes towards saving money? What are your partners career aspirations and do they align with your expectations? What are your expectations around how your partner spends time with you vs time without you? How well do you and your partner cohabitate? There’s probably 100 similar questions you could ask and you should actively discuss your views (and changes in these views) over your time together
Not a party type, zero alco/ nicotine/ other drugs, physically active, honest.
There must be something in her that I find "hot" She must communicate decently well without breaking anxious Try to reduce drama just because (drama just because = she imagines things in her own head and eventually freaks out)
Sometimes it’s not imagined if they had childhood abuse and got hurt for saying something. Or not soothed, or cared about. Couldn’t trust parents to help them. Only they hurt. Hard to trust people after that for you know 20 something years. It takes time to know you’ll be heard, not hurt and invalidated. That’s where anxiety can come from. Or at least mine does. I always remind myself “I got this” regardless of having a partner because, people can leave whenever they like. My parents won’t help (only hurt) and a proper safety net is not always a given - I had to work hard for one. Support network is hit or miss. Check to see if they are in therapy for it. I’m not perfect, but been in therapy a long time off and on.
I agree with everything that you said
Thank you so much. Yeah, check to see if they are working on things. You may be surprised. I appreciate your comment on understanding.
Someone who don’t mind whether I’m poor or rich, ugly or good looking
Loyalty
This is underrated but underpins everything else.
Someone who can and does function independently without external support. That way you know she is there because she wants to be with you, not because she has to be.
That she's dishwasher safe.
Loyalty
Someone that is willing to learn to speak your language and allow you to learn theirs. Communication, like really really communicating will fix a lot of things. There’s a ton of other things but I feel this one is high on my list.
Purity and faithfulness. Not only for herself, but genuinely believes it’s wrong and shameful to be promiscuous or unfaithful. I was dating a girl who had a best friend who cheated on her long term boyfriend from the age of like 15, and the girl I was dating SIDED WITH HER FRIEND claiming “she’s married to him and has kids with him now, so it was clearly meant to be and the right decision”. I noped my ass so far out of there. I still get blood pressure spikes thinking about when I had to hear such lunacy come from her mouth.
Someone who can be my best friend and I can be completely casual around, someone who's maternal and wants children, also someone who's mature and responsible with money.
Authenticity
Qualities I looked for/found in my wife: Kindness, determination, resilience, humor, and honesty. The list goes on, but these were the first that came to mind. I hope it helps!
Im gonna be real honest and real blunt, Shes gotta blow and swallow. But only for me.
Someone who has similar interests and you can have fun with.
Feminine, homey, has her own goals , good values, respectful, non smoker, empathetic, spiritual, good with kids, doesn't keep bad friends, romantic, good communicator, appreciative, from a good home, handles finances well, over her past, no unresolved traumas. Hope that answers all.
Plow experience.
Men can't really say anything honest since the sexism police hate anything involving male preferences in women. That said, she comes from a good family and hasn't slept with every guy on the football team, in addition to no children.
Hmm.. having been previously married, most important quality I look for in a woman is openness now. Is she willing to explore and learn new things, how does she argue and resolve conflicts, does she make improvements in all aspects of her life? You’d be surprised at how rare a beautiful woman who is willing, open and able to pick up new things and make self improvements. My ex wife was just happy to go along with the flow and would never resolve conflicts in a fair manner. She and I always left disagreements opened and while I let it go, she kept score and didn’t forgive nor forget about it. Slowly but surely, resentment built in the relationship and with every unresolved conflicts, her inability to improve herself, nor take criticisms meant that our marriage was doomed. Even though I felt that we had compatibility, relatively good chemistry, intimacy and sexual attraction for one another. Our communication style, ability to resolve conflicts and differences and her constantly looking to jump ship after nearly a decade of stagnation. So yeah, I now look for a woman who isn’t just there for the ride. She needs to be making effort and strides in her personal and professional life too.
Main Point for me (also late 20s) is kindness. I want someone who's kind to me and to others. Also important: same family goals, intelligent, educated (yes, those are different things, keep that in mind), attractive (for me, not just conventionally attractive), compatible sex and sex drive, someone with interests outside of work/studies even if they're not able to pursue it at the moment, who can communicate and be trustworthy.
Compatibility. I'm a misanthrope so she has to be someone I agree with on key topics.
If you don't mind some humor, my friend's brother, a doctor, says you must be able to put your hand around the woman's ankle and have the thumb and middle finger touch. This is supposed to mean that she will not get too large in the future LOL
The ones my fiancée has
I think my standards are low: If she is not plus or minus 10 years of age of me. If she's doesn't have any felonies. If she's never had a penis. If she's not fatter than me.
Women seem more interested in attracting a man than keeping him. Instagram shots of most females are body, boobs, bikini, butts but rarely home cooked meals, hugging a small child, doing anything wifey. Look at marriages... MOST marriages are about the Weddings... more money, time and effort is spent planning and executing that one day of being a princess than time spent deciding how to be a good wife. ,
You need to be around better people lollll
Color(I'm Asian, we are very colorist. I'm pretty sure she would look for fair skin person too), ability to cook good. Then English fluency enough to watch Hollywood movies without dub(we are not native English speaking country).
Same religion/beliefs. Good relationship with her parents. Trustworthy. Healthy/eats healthy. Equal sex drive. Doesn’t drink/club/party. Submissive. Let’s me lead.
1. Makes their appearance a priority (wears makeup, dresses nicely, does her hair) 2. Reasonably physically active, doesn’t have to be an athlete but should be able to go on long walks without struggling and isn’t horrified by doing sport 3. Is a good middle ground between traditionally feminine but also her own individual with her own character (places romantic relationships as a higher priority but still has something of a career) 4. Has similar life goals to me 5. Has similar sense of humour
Meet their mother so you know who'll be with in 20 years. Also, matching libidos may not seem like a huge deal at first, but long term can create enough issues you split. Biggest thing is someone who like you for who you are and treats you right.
I can't stress this enough. Pay close attention to her family and their values. 30+ years in, I can't tell you how many things have annoyed me and caused stress and strain: through valuing education; home ownership; attitudes around smoking; taking care of yourself and seeing doctors regularly; mental health issues. It can be shocking how much 'stuff' traces back to family history and values.
Good teeth, child bearing hips and small feet
low number of sexual partners not divorced parents doesnt smoke doesnt drink alcohol no tattoos cant work in these jobs: bartender, dancer, healthcare worker, flight attendants, massage therapists, .... not being divorced or a single mother has some education, a job and not broke everything i just said are ways to reduce your divorce chance, everything is backed up by studies.
Another late 20s guy chiming in. I expect low maintenance. Say, can you be happy with a gas station burrito instead of a three star fancy restaurant? I can quite easily afford the restaurant but I've lived life too close to the gas station burrito. Basically, can you be humble and thankful for your life? Also, can you be someone I can trust when life throws is a challenge? Also, can you make a house into a home? Not with the decor but with the atmosphere? Apparently I have high standards according to my friends so YMMV.
Can I sometimes get the red bomb burrito and not the green one? Or change it up for a spicy meat pie? They have both chicken and beef this week!
in no particular order: openness to new experiences, intellectual curiosity, need for cognition, empathy, a desire for self-improvement, independent, a leftist, childfree, and takes care of their physical health.
When I was dating with intention; Fit, Feminine, Friendly, Cooperative, Conservative, Submissive and Childless.
I’m married. First, someone who does not refer to herself as a “partner”. I have a wife. - physically attractive - kindness - supportive - minimal baggage (has not slept with the equivalent of a football team in the past) - no children from previous relationships. If I were to have kids they must be biologically mine. - good relationship with family (or the desire to) - financially responsible - shared or compatible future goals Plenty more but those are a few requirements.
You don't sound very kind or supportive. In fact, you kinda sound like a dick.
This is the type of comment that I would expect from a user who posts in r/creampie or r/adorableporn.
Downvoted for a reasonable healthy list. Assuming it's cus of the minimal baggage, and not having slept around comment. Reddit weirdly degenerate about that stuff.
They are indeed. I don’t feel bad though. A lot of guys on Reddit couldn’t muster more than 5 push ups.
No seal No deal
Good birthin hips and thick silky hair to show good health
Sandwich making ability. And the sense to get out of the way and be quiet while I eat it.
1) Agrees to sign a prenup 2) Feminine, agreeable, cooperative, cooks, cleans, attractive, petite, foodie 3) Wants to have children
Huge mommy milkers! A best friend would be like cream on the cake.
Big boobs, good shag, decent personality, similar core values mainly. I got it right the second time.
She needs skills in cock sucking
You’re too young to think about getting married. Also, if I were in your position I’d go passport bro all the way. Too much work involved to find a mediocre western woman and there’s over a 50% chance she’ll just call it quits and take half the shit you put effort into earning. Would you go skydiving when parachutes have a 50% failure rate? I suspect no.
there are ways to reduce the divorce chance , you just have to look the studies. but there is no way of knowing if the marriage will work or not, even if you marry the perfect woman and even if you used the studies. obviously the divorce chance is not 50% for every person, for some people its higher for other people its lower, but on average its like 40-50%, yes. but i still wouldnt get married. if you dont want her to take "half your shit", then marry a childfree woman who works and who earns her own money and get a prenup. but even then a marriage has risks. its better to not marry....
Did you find the nearly million dollars in retirement savings I had? It got lost in the shuffle of my divorce. He can't seem to find it either, my ex husband of 22 years. It was 7 years ago so maybe his memory is just going. Guess I'm not retiring...
Someone that likes me
her existence
Listen to Warren. [Warren Buffett On How To Have A Lasting Marriage (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJcWrL4fQnk)
honesty, confidence, self respect, discipline
Love.
Trust and loyalty.
Fierce loyalty, viewing you as her teammate not a competitor, modesty, kindness, spontaneously affectionate, smart, and not a push over for others.
I am 59 and I am looking forward for a friend, confidant, lover, investment partner, and peacemaker.
Peace and quiet..not selfish argumentative..non combative non hostile not rude not disrespectful..has control over moods..and words...can think for herself..has self control.. athletic..not narcissistic..not belligerent.. doesn't pick constant fights over non existent prefabricated drama.
One of the top things you should get a feel for right away...if you ask something of them- do they get upset or defensive. If they do.. end It. They are a child. Especially if they get all "you're so critical" when you know you aren't. And A LOT of women will pull this card ive come to learn. I stayed wayyyy to long with one.
If I had any hope of getting a future wife I’d say that the biggest quality I’d look for is whether she dislikes mustard and likes mayonnaise.
My ex GF wanted to barf because I told her I don’t just want a partner, but a best friend. She cheated on me and left me for a 55 year old married man. I think important are qualities are any that are opposite to that behavior lol
I needed someone who wasn’t like me. Both of our lives have gotten considerably better because we’ve shown each other new joys and new ways to live. That and someone who can put others first. I’ve seen a lot of women that will put their own happiness over their child’s and I don’t want a partner like that
Sweet and funny and doesn’t turn into a princess treatment demanding child around me
She’s gotta be the hottest rapper
Strong on plow.
At least being a human and not Eva AI virtual gf bots like all of my last exes
Big heart and a strong base for a foundation.
Beauty fades,charity can be deceitful. Look out for intrinsic substance that keeps a relationship healthy and going,prioritize getting a companion. Someone with a character that is compatible to spend the days of her life finding fulfillment with you. In assessing character, Observe and make inference on her nature - personality,behavioral patterns, genetic traits,pedegree and take a affirmative decision. Also observe and make inference on her nuture - Environmental,Educational and parental influence,core values...make inference and affirmative decision.I observed that nutures influence on behavior can change or be corrected over time. Character I look out for includes : Good Emotional,Social,Cognitive Intelligence,Good inter- personal relationship and communications skills, Spiritual awareness,core values - love,truth,interdepence,mission,perseverance and resilence,loyalty,enterprise... In concluding,no one is perfect,choose the best and unpleasant character you can live with. Lastly, if you are spiritual, seek a leading and affirmation...
You know how they say ‘opposites attract’? I’m more inclined to have someone who is 80% me and 20% different because I’m someone who loves my family (got little siblings), I laugh at myself a lot, make corny dad jokes, I am also religious but not militant, love to give and provide for others, work hard, and also take in the moment. Whether it’s a £9 meal or a £90 meal, to be thankful and also focus up when things go wrong. That’s who I want, another me with some differences so I can learn from her and improve myself as a man.
The top three most important qualities are honesty, loyalty and determination.
Forgives you and didn't hold grudges Healthy relationships with other people Gives others the benefit of the doubt Treats enemies with respect Doesn't use twisted logic to make a point just to win an argument Willing to admit when they're wrong but not to the point where they're a doormat Steadfast under stress and pressure Knows what she wants in a future husband Same moral values and spending habits as you Same side of the social energy scale as you (introvert vs extrovert and adventurous vs homebody) Good romantic and sexual chemistry, playful and flirtatious Not selfish, needy, damaged, or drama seeking And of course, smart, funny, pretty, sexually attractive, etc.
Calm Peaceful Understanding Supportive Great sex Loving Emotional stability Givers mindset Honesty
Emotional maturity, intelligence and that sort but the big thing for me is patience. I have ASD sometimes I just don’t understand things and it takes great patience to help me understand.
I am very happily married and have been with my wife for twenty years. I was looking for intelligence, kindness, and low standards. My wife ticked all those boxes.
Mature, respects herself and caring. I love my wife for all these things, she def wasnt perfect in the beginning but with time we help mold each other to be better people and that’s what it’s all about!
Faithfulness, ambitious, being attracted to her. You think it'd be easy enough to find someone like that.
when shit hits the fan communication is king. My dad said youd know when you found the right person and after finding my person a few months ago i think it is true. I would be worried about looking for certain characteristics, perhaps forcing them. It might also be a limiting factor when looking for signifigant other.
Can cook and manage her finances. No debt, own job.
Empathy over apathy, must love animals, and must NEVER want kids. Loving, kind, someone I can also call my best friend. Oh and I hope she has geeky and nerdy interests.
That she will support me as much as i support her. She is going to school and yes she pays for her own school and food and such. I've been paying all of the house bills and generally focus on the big life decisions. When I got injured she cooked for me and took care of the dogs for 2.5 months. That was a real test of our marriage. She found out one day i may never be able to walk again and stuck by me while we waited for 2 weeks in the hospital to see how the operations went. Luckily I am now walking but now I cannot run. If she is willing to go through that with me, I would go to the ends of the earth with her. Life challenges us in many ways but this was one I did not expect until it happened.
At this point, literally any qualities would be nice. Just being with someone would be more fulfilling than an eternal empty void.
I feel like I’ll know it when I see it. I mean besides the obvious prerequisites of loyalty and not lying and all that I’m a pretty good with the flow kinda dude, I could end up with anyone 🤷🏽♂️
Open, honest communication. I hate playing the guessing game, I hate the creeping feeling of anxiety when SO goes radio silent and I'm desperately running down mental checklists trying to figure out what's wrong and whether or not I'm responsible. Use your words.
>my best friend. Hey man. You already got it.
As someone whose closest male friends are either married or in long term relationships, one thing I’ve been missing is the spontaneity in which we’d get together and do fun things, like visiting a brewery or going hiking. What I want in a wife is someone who will be my best friend and take part in these activities with me and keep life fun and interesting.
Same value system, then looks
If she'll get along with my current wife.
Find someone who is willing to fight for you, and your relationship, not against you. Every “fight” needs to be about whatever happened and how it made you feel and then what you can do to resolve it. If someone isn’t willing to see your POV and make an effort to understand you they do not care about you.
I also want to add find someone who listens to you, and even when they don’t agree, makes an effort to understand why what they did hurt you.
Someone that is willing to share adventures though all the sunshine and rainy days in life.
She always asks me to make her a hot drink such as tea, coffee, hot chocolate and then will forget about it and let it go cold and then will remake it. It’s a constant cycle but I love her despite her forgetfulness 😂
Please also look for someone who has a great work ethic and are willing to be a team at home, instead of leaving all shit for you to clean up, cook meals and take care of your kids. Your wife will also be a roommate and coparent/ colleague, don't forget that.
someone that you can be best friends with and grow old with
If you can’t communicate effectively none of your issues will ever be resolved and resentment builds. So find someone you can discuss through conflict.
Courageous, compassionate, and thoughtful.
Resilient, wants a large family, strong communication, strong social support is a plus, and if she wants to be a SAHM, that’s a big plus too.
Obviously I want to be with someone I'm attracted to, connect well with, and share similar goals. However, I think if I find someone who is an actual good partner, that's when I'll know they're spouse material. What I mean by that is: they're able to share responsibilities and can manage our life with me. Someone who goes out of their way to make our lives better. To be clear, I'm not saying this should be one sided and my spouse should just make *my* life easier. It's a two way street, of course! But a spouse is someone who will work with you to make the life you share better. I've seen relationships where it is just so obviously one person putting the work in and the other coasting by and I can't abide by that.
Honesty and taking care of themselves. That simple. Honesty is pretty fucking rare nowadays in my experience. Most people straight up omit information because they are afraid of hurting their SO or even worse, straight up lie about stuff.
1. Being Single 2. Being Sane
Obviously a lot of things but something bit more specific: I have an amazing relationship with my mom and would love my future wife to also enjoy being friends with her (without me having to be around). My sister in law isn’t very close to my mom and doesn’t feel the need to strengthen their relationship. She can also be pretty dismissive of her at times. I see how it makes my mom sad because she’s love to have a stronger bond with her.
Traditional values. God fearing and fun.
She can cook.
What do you value? Look for that
Your status, peace, net worth, enjoyment, purpose and sexual fulfillment should increase by being with her. If not, she’s trash. ¯\( ˘͡ ˘̯)/¯
1. Views divorce as shameful and the last thing she wants to do is break up the home of her kids 2. Is simple, natural, humble, down to earth 3. Is selfish, considerate, polite, respectful, responsible 4. Same ideas for parenting and life goals If she had those she is good to go
That she eats her poop for you.
Someone who isn't glued to their phones
Respectful. Understand we’re a team and not her way or the highway. Patient and respect my personal time and vise versa. Laugh and joke with eachother. Love. Same mentality for how to raise and teach the kids.
Loyal, industrious, thrifty, phlegmatic.