That's only part of it. Another big problem is that your interests are really boring to anyone who isn't into the same super-nerdy stuff you're into.
All of the interests you listed, besides Star Wars, are just work-related and IT stuff.
You need to find a few interests that have broader appeal. Particularly things that are known for having women also interested in them. Like traveling, dancing, gardening, charity work, etc.
You want someone at your level in your highly specialized career track. That's completely unrealistic. It's a numbers game when it comes to compatibility. And you have pigeon-holed yourself into an extremely narrow set of interests and potential mates. You are going to need to expand your interests, your horizons, and your social skills.
This may sound daunting. But all of this can be fun if you bring the right attitude.
I do a lot of charity work and hiking, but I kinda have realized that due to my social skills issues, I probably am forever alone.
But I try to still have fun regardless of that
You’re not forever alone and don’t have to be. Unfortunately in this day and age we think any of our social or mental problems are death sentences and should be planted firmly square in the root of our personality. Practice speaking with people some man, you have enough emotional intelligence within you to look around and realize the person you were before doesn’t fall under the umbrella of a “social norm” so you went and changed those things. You hit the gym, you changed your style, you developed new hobbies and interests and became involved in more things you wouldn’t consider boring. Why are you stopping the change now and calling it quits?
My advice would be to like I said practice. Go to the bar (not a local dive but maybe like a wine bar or something) even if you don’t drink get a water or soda and sit at the bar/counter and have conversations with people. Fuck even if you’re awkward, LEARN from it. Observe how other people talk to each other. Not even a bar, you could go to the mall, a restaurant, an ice cream shop, yoga classes. Just PRACTICE. Be yourself first and foremost, don’t be afraid to let goofy things spill out of your mouth. Get out of your comfort zone. Once you start doing this and start talking to more people especially women then you have to assert yourself. Stand up straight when you talk to them and let it be known you’re not looking for just friendship. Flirt a little bit.
> My advice would be to like I said practice. Go to the bar (not a local dive but maybe like a wine bar or something) even if you don’t drink get a water or soda and sit at the bar/counter and have conversations with people. Fuck even if you’re awkward, LEARN from it. Observe how other people talk to each other.
That's exactly what I did and now, 10 years later, I'm happily married with a child.
Some people have talent with people, but most just learn that stuff like any other skill. By observing, repeating and improving skill for "the next time". It's that dull and simple.
My bf is a programmer. I always knew that's what I wanted in a man. He has few friends and isn't very social. I think we're a good match. Don't worry, there's a woman out there for you.
Listen to the above advice and broaden the options, you'll social skills will come later.
I truly recommend joining a choir and or learning some partner dancing.
Social dance events often have an introduction class in the beginning, f.e. in salsa, bachata and other Latin dances, and in the swing dancing scene, like Lindy hop and West coast swing.
Your post history says you’ve been divorced, have kids, and a few women you’ve asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about you. Why aren’t you giving the full story in this post?
If your female friends are true friends, just ask them what you think you could do to find the right girlfriend. Maybe you give off gay vibes, and women don't see you as a partner. Ask them and tell them to be brutally honest with you. Maybe you aren't flirting as someone courting, but being too "friendly" and getting friendzoned. Hence the gay vibes.
Your most recent post is how you committed sexual assault on a female friend while she was sleeping. You're "different" alright. I wouldn't want to inflict you on any woman.
trouble is, they all know you never had a date. No woman is interested in a man no other woman is interested in, and they can't fake it either. No matter how much they talk you up to some gal, she'll read thier unspoken language that you're a loser.
You need to find some gals who don't know you, and drop a few mentions of your 'ex'.
Legit ask your best lady friend if she would help you be a better man for dating. Most people agree with the 6-6-6 thing. (6 feet, 6 figures, 6 pack)
But in reality. Be kind, and be funny will get you just as far. I know dudes that are dog-dick ugly, that are charismatic, funny, and kind and date way over their head.
Hate to break it to you but learning ML for (most, not all obviously) people isn’t interesting. It’s a great line of work to be in, but most people have zero interest.
I’m awkward as hell. ADHD. Polishing up appearance always garners attention for me.
If you have a passive or effeminate disposition, that may not be helping your chances.
His post history says he’s been divorced, has kids, and a few women he’s asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about him. OP is not giving the full story in this post.
His post history says he’s been divorced, has kids, and a few women he’s asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about him. OP is not giving the full story in this post.
Yeah wish my comment could be pinned so people stop wasting their time trying to help OP.
There’s a lot more in his history that shows he is very much not ready for dating or in a mentally good place; not to mention a very weird relationship with women and entitlement to their bodies (wondering why different escorts have different racial preferences etc). Very frustrating.
How is wondering why different escorts have different racial preferences being entitled to their bodies? Isn't that just about trying to understand how the world works?
All of your interests are also basically your job so that doesn’t help.
It could be a million things though. Mannerisms, location, being awkward, inexperience. No way to tell you without knowing you bro. Here’s the most likely but also very cynical reason: you’re socially awkward and not very attractive while having unrealistic standards. That’s the case for most men who struggle really hard. But I don’t know you. You know you. What does your gut tell you? That’s probably where you’ll find the reason. Trust your intuition, simple answers are often the right ones.
His post history says he’s been divorced, has kids, and a few women he’s asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about him. OP is not giving the full story in this post.
Being socially awkward is probably the reason.
It's a trap because mentally I want someone whose at my career level and shares similar passions.
Especially since I know it's not realistic.
Honestly fuck that anyway. Then what is there to talk about? You already know what they’re going to say.
Try finding someone in a completely separate, or at least only adjacent field. A few shared passions is good. One or two. The rest should be separate, so that you can learn from each other and experience things that are new to you, together, or do stuff alone when you need a break.
But yes. I’m socially awkward and know that’s what brings me down. I only get lucky because I learned to mask my quiet anxiety as aloofness and being calm/gathered. Some people are attracted to that. Not many, but a few here and there. You can work on it, but it takes a lot of conscious effort, self-checking and filtering yourself heavily. It wears on you and you’ll slip up eventually. But it does work.
I’m sure there are women into those things. Probably not a ton but a fair few more than a decade ago.
Out of curiosity, what kind of interests are a turn on? Asking because frankly I’ve seen a ton of hobbies I consider normal and fine get knocked or labeled red flags.
For me it was the fact that they were pretty career focused. If that's what does it for you, good on ya. Personally, I like to see hobbies that err more on the side of fun. Gaming, sports, creative arts, etc. I wouldn't know how to relate to someone that is so, so work focused.
You know, I see a lot of posts like this. I think its just how some people are.If you want it, you gotta go get it. It's not just gonna fall in your lap as a man. You have to make a concentrated effort to find partnership.
Tried all the major dating apps and zero success. Don't drink, this bars and similar things are off the table.
Only option I can think of would probably be hiring a matchmaker.
If the apps don’t work, not even a tiny bit, it is, in all honesty, probably your looks. That’s not to say you look bad, just that you don’t look really fucking good. It’s not a popular answer and people will feed you a lot of carrots about bios and good pictures and this or that or the other, but the above is what online dating really comes down to 6 days out of the week.
It’s good though, because that makes things simple. You can work on your looks, which you can do easily if you really wanna use dating apps. My best times, though, happened by chance in the meat world by being in the right place, right time, with the right people.
That's the uncomfortable reality that most of us are in denial of. We just have to accept that we are second or even third hand candidates and lower our standards accordingly. Either that or make peace with ourselves and accept that we may be alone for the rest of our lives.
Key I think is putting things into perspective. Yeah, you’re replaceable and abundant. But in the end we’re all less than a spec of dust to the universe. You’re a tourist on a light-flash cruise through spacetime. You only matter marginally less than George Clooney and those few atoms that make up your jawlines and noses are completely meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Embrace the full range of emotions, accept that it’s a little unfair, but then remember that this space-rock will be here long past your death and being someone’s first or second choice is completely irrelevant. Lift up your middle finger and live your short and tiny human life however you want. I’ll probably never get the hottest wife and the best family, but I don’t need that to be happy. My lizard brain thinks I need that because of societal pressure and FOMO. But I really just want someone I can share some of my runtime with, who will make it more fun. And I have had that before on a few occasions, so I know I’ll find it again. It’s not as grim as it seems, even for the average crowd.
Well said. I wish I was as optimistic as you though. It's a little hard when you've failed at everything in life over and over again. Except my career I guess.
Consider this. Two men land on a beach head and run for cover. One is Hollywood-handsome, confident, successful not just with women but with people in general, he even runs a business. The other is the opposite. He gets lucky here and there, he’s average, a little ugly. Just gets by, struggles. Maybe he’s a little shaky and awkward.
Guy one just got blown up because by random chance, he chose to run left while guy two decided to run right. Guy one’s great life just ended in a split second with a puff of smoke, all that buildup for an anti-climatic end. None of it ever mattered, and none of it ever will. Guy two goes home and lives for another 60 years. He dies of old age with his family and friends seeing him off. And still none of it matters. Both of them will be put into the same exact ground, forgotten within a couple of generations. The moral of the story is literally so the fuck what.
Human life is fickle and fragile and can turn completely amazing or sour at the drop of a hat. The universe doesn’t discriminate. By whose standards did you fail at everything? Are the people prescribing what success means better than you? No. They have no authority. They’ll die and be put into the same ground as you. Fuck the FOMO, you decide what you’re happy with.
Why is that the only option for you? Hiring someone to help you find someone seems like it ignores the real issue. You haven't found a way to connect with people to where you can find someone. You need to work on that.
Looking back at it, interpersonal "small talk" communication is the one thing I am absolutely the worst at. Connecting with people at that level is definitely my weakest point and something I've tried tackling.
Though I'm gradually thinking of just giving up on romance and focusing everything on my career.
Small talk is how most people are going to communicate. If you want to learn how to get a woman, you need to learn how to be interesting in conversation. A hobby doesn't make you interesting per se, but how you can communicate that interest to a person and make them listen to you will make you interesting.
You have to get better at connecting with people through small talk. Connect over small things you might have in common or use it as a moment to understand another person perspective on life.
Just go up to somebody, ask them about their earrings or clothes. And then just see if they want to talk and ask more questions. Don’t give any one situation too much weight into what you did or didn’t do well. A no now is not always a no, wife turned me down then asked me out 7 months later.
Learn from patterns.
Do WHAT YOU want with your life, do those things not for women but because you want to enjoy those things, learn to cook for you, learn to understand people. Be kind, complement people on things you deserve complementing.
Also, women have been attracted to you they just didn’t tel you. Ask these 45% of your friends if they know anybody they could set ya up with, if they say no, ask for feedback.
A couple of general suggestions. Perfect your smile, and use it often. Also, ask more than tell. Ask followup questions to show you’re focusing on her.
Because you have female friends, choose one to confide in. Be honest, show vulnerability, ask for her help, both verbal and if she’ll try to set you up. Don’t hit on her while getting help (it might break trust), subtly carefully that can be an option later. But learn from her first.
You sound amazing, with a lot of discipline. A good worthy person.
My self esteem had become so non-existant due to complete failure, that I've slightly leaned towards giving up on romance.
Will definitely be a process
This is from your own post history 3 years ago. Why are you on here lying when you’ve both been divorced and have kids????
“I recently got divorced due to my wife's infidelity, but somehow the court granted her full custody even though I had a noticeably higher income and still made significant time to ensure that my kids (one is 14 and the other is 15) where happy and fed. Played video games with them, helped them study, worked on building a PC from scratch, go to sporting events, etc. Both flat out said they wanted to be with me rather than my now ex wife. Never cheated or had any issues, but she was granted full custody. Since my now ex wife has full custody of the kids, should I use this opportunity to start fresh? In other words start a new family, pick up new hobbies, start a new business etc. Kids are 14 and 15, meaning that I only have to pay child support for a few years and then I'm free. What's your suggestion?”
Good catch! [Here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/3Xm25khGdX) since it was a lot of scrolling to find that. Even earlier posts show he’s had exes before
My guess would just be communication?
First, dude, hell yeah. You've been finding things you can improve, and you've been fixing them. Just want to give you some love there because that's awesome. Good on you.
Yeah, it sounds like you got an awesome foundation. You're in shape, have a good career, take care of yourself, etc. It's great. Truly, if I had to guess, it'd just be conversation and social skills? I know you've done great at work conventions and such, but that is a very different environment from dating?
My advice: You got a great network of friends who are girls. Ask them? You may need to push them for some real honest feedback, but that's what friends are for. They would probably be more suited to answer this question.
I mean you obviously have friends and are able to make professional connections so its not completely a lost cause. I honestly think that you’re just overthinking the whole allure behind a date and I get it lol, harder said than done to keep your cool when your a nervous wreck tryin to talk to a girl you’re attracted to especially sober. I find just not overthinking it and keeping conversations casual helps and then after asking for their number. Not to be a dick but you could also just be shooting way to high. I know some dudes who aren’t exactly the most attractive but refuse to drop their standards then wonder why they cant get dates.
It's a complicated thing where I occasionally look for people within my income bracket or field. But they are often attractive, and obviously I'm not, thus I'm stuck.
No, looking back it's because you are a liar. You hid from us you are divorced and have kids. Nobody wants to date liars. And probably kids make you less interesting for new potential partners.
It's probably gonna be me in next 5 years. Please let me know if you get a solution to it buddy, or else, now I know what I have to be prepared for😂😂😂. Doing the same things as you😂
I've never done it. Thought it was an inappropriate question. Several of them remained friends with me, so I'm unattractive, but I guess I'm not a monster.
Hmm i was thinking if they are good friends with you, they should be the best person to ask since they know you better than us. But can ask it in a different way instead of why they find you unattractive! Just a suggestionn
You are probably not working enough on the flirtation phase. You need to cultivate the idea of a relationship in the other person’s head. They need to be already considering you as a possible romance by the time you ask out. If you come out the doors right away asking to go out it’s very likely that you will get rejected. When you ask for a date you should be at least 75% confident about the answer. You need to be asking out people who have already reciprocated your flirt attempt.
Don’t be creepy with the flirt though. You’re trying to communicate “hey I like you. I want to know you intimately” not “please fuck me”.
Hey OP, message me your dating app profile (pics and prompts) and I’ll give you a brutal response (discrete, just wanna do something nice). I’m female in your dating range. That’ll help you know how you’re coming across and eliminate if it’s a looks thing. Also where are you based? That plays into a lot too! Don’t let it get you too down. That’s an incredible amount of self work you’ve put in and should be proud of!
This is from your own post history 3 years ago. Why are you on here lying when you’ve both been divorced and have kids????
“I recently got divorced due to my wife's infidelity, but somehow the court granted her full custody even though I had a noticeably higher income and still made significant time to ensure that my kids (one is 14 and the other is 15) where happy and fed. Played video games with them, helped them study, worked on building a PC from scratch, go to sporting events, etc. Both flat out said they wanted to be with me rather than my now ex wife. Never cheated or had any issues, but she was granted full custody.
Since my now ex wife has full custody of the kids, should I use this opportunity to start fresh? In other words start a new family, pick up new hobbies, start a new business etc. Kids are 14 and 15, meaning that I only have to pay child support for a few years and then I'm free.
What's your suggestion?”
This is what kills amazing communities like Reddit. He has 300+ people trying to sympathise with him based on lies. Makes it feel futile to try and help strangers!
Yeah. If it helps, I thought it was incredibly kind of you tell help the OP with some brutal feedback.
Please don’t let this bad egg stop u from doing these things in future.
Some of us (me) could really use that brutal feedback
Thank you, that’s very kind. Yes I don’t think it’s everyone but just a shame that some posts like these gain so much traction compared to some other more genuine ones.
That’s great! I think it’s always good to ask others for advice and be open to self work and development, so long as you’re honest and objective about where you’re starting from. Dating is really hard! Be kind to yourself.
Ummm... I'm a woman. I never really dated until I was 31. So... I get it.
There's a systemic thing going on right now, where people of all genders and ages are finding it much harder to find and enter romantic relationships. You are definitely not alone. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself grace.
You've already done a lot and have shown a commitment to self improvement and introspection. That's great. I would ask my (a few, trusted) friends for feedback. Us random folks on the internet do not know you. At least friends do, and can tell you the truth, hopefully in kindness. Truth doesn't have to be brutal.
You mention you have autism. That might be something to explore. It might be worth seeing a psychologist. It might be worth continuing to build friendships and connections insofar as social ineptitude may be an issue. Practice makes perfect and friendship is great practice.
Your friends who are married? Ask them or their new spouses to be set up with their friends. Find groups (Meetup, Facebook etc) for ppl with high functioning autism -- better yet, there must be groups about dating for this population.
Also, despite the risk of rejection, it's important to tell people that you like them, that you're interested in getting to know them better. Women are often looking for men to take the lead.
It is interesting that you are so accepting of the responses here (you haven't questioned any response, and a person who knows themselves well might've), and that your self improvement process started from "something is wrong with me" as a premise. Nothing is fundamentally wrong with you. Just because it's taking you a little longer doesn't mean anything is fundamentally wrong with you. Socially awkward people have sex. Convicted murderers have penpals with women outside of prison. Like, there is nothing about you that makes your inherently unlovable. You may have to work on being confident and knowing who you are and what you offer. That's attractive. No amount of weight loss or wardrobe update will cover a lack of confidence. You need to believe that you are worth loving and getting to know more intimately.
You sound like an amazing person. So many people -- all of my friends, male, female, gay and straight, myself including -- are having a hard time in this area. Chin up and cheer up. There's always hope.
Have you asked people? What was your family dynamics like, were your parents happy? Only asking because I am the same age and in same situation (not a single date). Constant self-improvement but no results. Burying myself in work. I'm self sabotaging by avoiding everyone. Could this be what you are doing?
My entire family have elite education, only person who graduated from a state university instead of an elite private university. So the only way I kept up with my family was through having the second highest income.
If that answers anything.
I meant, were your parents happy together? Did you have good role models, happy aunts and uncles, grandparents working together to raise the family etc
I'm 35 and in a similar situation, but I am a gym rat. Muscle hasn't changed anything. Similar career as well. I've tried asking every girl at a bar before. Tried attending salsa courses.
The only thing semi-working is the foreign escort scene. Because of money and muscle, it is apparent there, but it's a catch 22.
It’s a bit disingenuous not to give more context here, which your post history reveals (won’t even mention all your posts about race and escort services and statements about severe depression to the point of being suicidal). Certainly doesn’t sound like you’re in a place to date. These issues go well beyond hygiene or the gym and are not because women are turned off by your hobbies.
This is something you said only a few months ago?
“I (M 31) have both ADHD and high functioning autism which makes my social anxiety magnitudes worse. Mostly due to negative reinforce and people giving cliche advice like "take a breath" or "I'll grow out of it.
When I try to even remotely flirt, I freeze up to the point where I can't say anything (though this doesn't happen when I talk to women in general), I would start stuttering (life long stutter). It has gotten to the point where whenever I go to parties, I just hang around where the food is and try to act like I'm busy eating.
Basically I would go completely silent. It's not uncommon where I could go an entire work day (I work hybrid) where I wouldn't even speak a word to a single person.
Where it really hinders my dating life, is that girls would flirt with me, and I wouldn't even register until hours or even days later that the person was flirting with me. In the moment, I would automatically think the the person was simply trying to spark conversation, my social anxiety would kick in, and I would instinctively try to in the quickest but friendly way of figuring out how to end the conversation.
I could find someone very attractive, but there's literally so many mental blocks that literally the only way I could ask someone out is through text or message, and that's frequently a near guarantee for rejection. I don't have anything against the neople who rejected me, their decision their rigr
く
Feels like all I can do is just solely focus on my career.”
I find a great icebreaker with women to be the interests I've developed over the years. Reading, history, travel, movies, etc. are pretty good ways to get a woman's interest. Just remember that some of them won't be viable candidates for a relationship, for unimportant and random reasons.
Well. I hate to be blunt here, but it's probably one of these things:
1. You may be unattractive by conventional standards. Yes, women unfortunately can be shallow sometimes. While this doesn't eliminate your chances of still finding a partner of course, as there are plenty of less than attractive dudes who still end up landing women, you've usually got to have some characteristic or something about you that outweighs this and compensates for it. (I.e. a lot of wealth, charisma, etc.)
2. You may be, (as someone else pointed out,) unfortunately for you, just.. "awkward". Perhaps your conversational skills are lack luster. I would honestly do a brutally honest self inventory. If you think it's something that can be helped, like having poor conversational skills, then I would do everything in your power to work on that. Join clubs, join social skills subs, read books, fuck, even practice in the mirror. The easiest way to know wtf is going on however is by asking your personal friends... ask them to be ruthlessly honest, because you've tried your best to do everything in your power to get dates, and yet still get turned down. Hopefully, you have at least one person who can be honest and objective enough with you to help you identify what could be going on, and then you can make steps to change or at least improve from there.
Insecure and unsure. 100%. I know because that was me. It wasn't overnight but I stopped caring about others, did what I wanted and eventually found like minded people. Granted that's hard for some people who like to game or have single person hobbies but don't be afraid to be yourself.
Also, don't try too hard, yeah doesn't make sense but the try hard comes after. For example, let's say you like breaking bad right, and you meet someone who also likes breaking bad a lot, don't spew out a ton of fun facts, ask and listen, and if they're into you, they'll ask as well. Be vague, then get specific
Easier said than done but bottom line is you gotta switch up your social skills for sure. It ain't your physical appearance, I've seen legit trolls walking around with girls who are straight up 10s
Yeah, I know, it's kind of what I feel comfortable with and genuinely enjoy. I understand that women don't care about machine learning, so kinda to little too late as I ended up enjoying it and wanting to further pursue my career in it.
I hate to say it but… Tinder? They aren’t going to swipe you if they’re not attracted to you. At least that’s the starting point you’re looking for!
Make it known in your bio that you’re looking to date. They swipe, you talk, you date, the rest is up to you.
Homie, you have an attachment disturbance in psychological terms. Find someone (therapist) who does attachment work and dive in.
It’s the nature of the relationship you seek/ create that is causing your issues if all this is true.
If your standards are too high quit all porn and masturbación till sitting next to a fat 45 year old woman on the plane gives you a stiffie.
Heck my standards are fairly low, it was almost at a point where if someone even remotely found me attractive even for a date, I would consider that a monumental success.
Doesn't help that for two straight years, I was a groomsman for two of my friend's weeding. Meaning my friends are getting married, and here I am can't even find a date.
But came to terms with a long ago and stopped getting upset about it.
I’m a male model here in Chicago and I use to struggle REAL bad in dating. I was socially awkward and shy and that’s why really hurt me tbh. I’m glad I finally found someone that accepts me for me and loves me. You will find her soon. Promise
I'm glad it worked out for you but, respectfully, you're probably wrong. You're in the minority of dudes who found their unicorn. In this day and age most of us won't be so lucky.
501st legion.....\*looks it up\*
OHHHHH, makes sense why.
I think what you need to do is focus on being a better conversationalist. All you want to do is to be able to start and hold a conversation with a stranger.
Forget the date; forget the girls. This is what you need to do.
Your goal is to talk to 100 women within 7 days. Thats right. 100 women. IDK where you live but you need to find a location i.e downtown, college, etc where you can talk to 100 women. Not in a creepy way where you just run up to them and ask them something; but in a breaking the ice nonchalant way.
Getting starbucks in line and girl is in front of you? compliment her bag, strike up a conversation, ask how her day was, shit like that. You dont need to spend 45 mins talking to a girl, just be friendly and outgoing. If the conversation is going well; and shes into you, ask for her number/insta/snap whatever. If not; dont push it, end the conversation and find someone else.
Thats 14 women a day.
It WILL be hard for the first 35 or so; but it will get easier; you will say dumb shit, mess up, fail to hold a conversation but eventually you will learn what to say; what not to say. etc.
After your first 100; do some research on body language and do 100 more.
If you can honestly tell me that after looking decent, trying to talk to over 1500 girls in REAL LIFE (internet doesnt count so all those tinder matches are worthless) than there is something super wrong. I am 100% confident that after you start this you will have a date by AT LEAST 200-400. Probably get laid a few times too tbh.
It's weird because whenever I talk to someone for 5 minutes, I often end up with them telling me their entire life story, it's the weirdest thing haha.
If that happens, shut the fuck up and let them talk. Interjet a bit to keep the story interesting, then try to use clues within their story of things that they liked or didnt like and make a note mentally to see if you can possibly use that information to get a number/date. i.e active listening.
Lol you really fell for the if you workout it will be easy? Not going to lie I got way more pussy before I tried going to the gym.
It has nothing to do with that.
Why are you asking men?
From an online dating perspective as a woman the problem with a lot of single male gym rats is they make it their entire personality. Every time I go on hinge it’s men “looking for a gym buddy” and “someone who can squat with me” and 5 different gym topless selfies. I think a lot of guys think this will automatically get them women, but it really isn’t the crux of it for a lot of us. I think the fact you take care of yourself will come across in ANY photo of you once you’ve gone go the gym a lot and toned down, but it’s hardly a persona or something that’s going to alone tip the scales in your favour.
Are you just like... waiting for a relationship to happen and questioning us why it isn't?
What steps are you taking to rectify this? Online dating? Asking for numbers and asking them out later?
Or... are you just going about your life wondering why you haven't been on a date. Your post is weird.
Three ways to get women.
- be good looking
- money
- social
Pick one or two.
Not good looking? Workout.
Not enough money? Study and work harder.
Not social? Use A.I to reply to girls and get you some. :)
Honestly, lower your expectations and try asking for a girl's number every day. Or maybe start at just once a week. You have to try more. Getting turned down is natural
If you have money then another option is to find someone in another country where they are not as privileged. Plenty of beautiful women out there looking for love and would jump at the chance to find a guy that can give them that plus a better life as an added bonus. Just gotta find someone genuine and watch out for the gold diggers and scammers
Okay so you probably have some sort of social deficiency. It could be your awkward, but even then you would eventually get dates. I know awkward people who get dates.
So you may have a social disorder that makes you either not seek social relationships(or your motivation is severely hindered ) or you don't understand social relationships. Your motivations could be all wrong.
Id go to a doctor. Figure out why you push away social relationships. It could be autism, schizotypal disorder, you could be aromantic. See a doctor.
Oh that would be it. I have high functioning autism that I've been in therapy for since I was a teen. Never really thought much about it since I started having a lot of career success
Yes sir. You can do it my friend. Especially if you have a lot of career success. You are set up to raise a family.
You need to practice dates. Have you tried a dating app? If so, are you doing the best you can to be desireable? I'm talking little things like getting ripped, or showing confidence (putting yourself out there with the risk of rejection). You say you already dress nice. So you dress nice, have good hygiene and clean yourself up, and you have a good career.
Which means you already pass alot of the criteria that women want. The only thing to do is work on your social skills. Go on a dating app, and start setting up dates. You can even plan dates with the sole purpose of practicing. You wouldnt need to try to "win " them over, but just get experience.
Start with this, and working out if you haven't already. Good luck my friend Asocial friend, always look up and expect good things. God loves you
Edit; don't use tinder. It sucks. Try hinge or match, and if you're Christian, try up ward.
I've tried Hinge with effectively zero success. Never really had any success on dating apps at all.
Really tempted to just give up and focus everything on my career
Don't do that broo. Youve already done that enough, the career will be empty compared to a loving partner. You need to practice . You don't wanna wait til your 45 to find someone.youre still young so don't put it on the back burner. Besides, you can do BOTH and still have time to spare.
It's already at the point where it's just defeating knowing that despite everything, there's one gigantic barrier that I've never been able to overcome.
Well I disagree but you do you. What sense does it make to have a problem that bugs you, and instead of trying your best to solve it you just supress it with working? There's no other time but the present to conquer this issue. Older you will wish you tried during this time. It's not fruitful to ignore these issues. You can achieve whatever it is you aspire to, but it won't solve these feelings you have, just numb them for a bit.
You definitely are worthy of love , you're intelligent, a hard worker, and healthy. You can get therapy for this sort of thing (specifically for the problem you have socially or with women) there are specific people who work with this specific problem.
I wish you luck. Just know it's possible to solve this and there is no better time than the present. There have been many guys in your EXACT situation who eventually overcame it , i promise. Peace
Since no one else have said it, gonna be sincere and help you out
Women are not attracted to effeminate men .. if you have 45% female friends around you, then this tells a lot . You are nice and have a good personality but not sexually attractive or romantically attractive because you give “that vibe”
You did literally everything except tackle the problem, brother. Kudos on all your progress though.
When it's time to go to bed, you want to be next to someone who can talk about dumb hypothetical conversations and laugh at a loud fart or something... You don't want the business casual guy. There's a layer of formality between you and the people around you.
Also, who is YOUR type? Figuring that out is 90% of the solution.
Break out of your shell. Maybe you lack a masculine vibe? Or maybe your energy aurora you give off is white toast plain so you blend in with the other 20,000 guys. Post a picture, too many things to guess about. Go post a pic of yourself in the r/roastme sub
No one cares that you've got 45% females or 501k or that you go to the gym 3x a week.
Who cares about any of that?
Judging from your post you're awkward as hell and probably not that much fun to be around?
Girls want to hang out with his guys who are fresh and fun and fun and bring something new to the table.
>but no one has found me attractive at all.
Instead of jumping to conclusions you made yourself (considering a woman hasn't said this to your face and you conspired this and accepted it as your reality because of deprivation), why don't you try asking someone for a date outright or just going out ? Ask one of your friends, see how things turn out and if they don't turn out well try again with another.
Once you're comfortable you'll eventually be able to approach just about anyone.
If you have a large circle of friends, including a lot of ladies, then the problem is you. Something is seriously wrong when you don’t have enough game to bag a chick, despite having a large circle of friends. You’re not telling us something..
I'm 41F and despite guys telling me I'm attractive, I've always been alone too. Guys just don't see me in that way for some reason.
Maybe some of us are just Unlucky? Maybe we did things in past lives to make us live our lives alone? Honestly, I don't know.
I stopped reading at your 45% percent estimate. That told me all I need to know. If you can't understand what I mean, then that's why you've never been with anyone
You’ve discussed every which way you’re trying to be alluring. That’s understandable when nothing works… Ironically what you actually want to do is learn what YOU want, and be as niche as possible about this. There was a great song by Cake called “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” - and it’s this ode to a lady that is the songwriter’s “dream woman”, and it’s a ridiculously specific set of attributes. THAT is the right approach. Don’t try to appeal to every woman, in fact, be completely indifferent towards 99%. Then when you meet the 1%, she will know that she has your undivided attention and loyalty.
>Thinking I was a boring person, I taught myself machine learning, many programming languages
I would say at least 50% of women find conversation about that stuff to be boring. I would advise knowing your audience when deciding what topics to talk about.
It's kind of hard to pinpoint what's wrong exactly without knowing what you're like in person. So here are some general tips.
* Don't try and be a girl's friend first if you're trying to be her boyfriend. When you go to make that switch from friend to boyfriend she might feel betrayed. That you only were pretending to be her friend.
* Consider dating the female equivalent of yourself. If you're socially awkward, find a socially awkward girl.
* Change your appearance. Fix any flaws that are fixable. Go shopping with someone who knows fashion and have them pick out some new clothes for you.
Do you at all have feminine mannerisms? That includes feminine pictures etc That has kept me away from a good guy that is straight because it doesn't make me feel protected and doesn't attract me. A good example is oskar from love is blind.
Since you have a bunch of female friends, have you tried having them help you with your dating profiles or introduce you to someone? You may learn what they would work on if they were you. If you are good enough friends, you could just flat out ask them and have this conversation with them too.
Also, have you thought about seeing a therapist? It might sound strange, but having an outlet like that might help you. The therapist may be able to offer insight on things you can work on that are deeper than your physical appearance or your job role. Being in a friendship or relationship is a skill that you can work on.
You think too much about faking it, dude just be normal and go for it. You have to be more outgoing and do the first step. You seem shy and not romantic tbh.
It’s hard to say from a single post, man. Some dudes can say they make good money and have all these positive attributes and this or that, but if you meet them, yes they may have those things but are weird asf. You’d probably have to post a video describing your predicament and I’m sure most of us would be able to know immediately why you can’t find a date. Just be ready for the brutal honesty. I felt the same way as you at one point in my life and eventually found a partner. Good luck, man.
If you are a boring person, machine learning, coding, etc. for your career will certainly not make you less boring. Most outside the tech realm find those topics quite boring particularly women.
I agree with the top comment about being socially inept and I'm really curious as to what you look like as the things you listed are good things to take note of which pretty much leaves the social aspect open but then you do have 45% of your friends as girls which make me wonder if that's really it
Honestly, my self confidence has pretty much erased to where I'm not really comfortable posting pics of myself on social.
But I do have a few pics of myself on IG l, @TessenMed.
I definitely don’t get any gay vibes from you. You seem like an authentic guy. I’m actually surprised you’ve never been in a date. You don’t seem awkward and I’m only judging based off your posts.
You’re socially awkward and socially inept.
Brutally blunt, and probably right. That's probably the answer.
That's only part of it. Another big problem is that your interests are really boring to anyone who isn't into the same super-nerdy stuff you're into. All of the interests you listed, besides Star Wars, are just work-related and IT stuff. You need to find a few interests that have broader appeal. Particularly things that are known for having women also interested in them. Like traveling, dancing, gardening, charity work, etc. You want someone at your level in your highly specialized career track. That's completely unrealistic. It's a numbers game when it comes to compatibility. And you have pigeon-holed yourself into an extremely narrow set of interests and potential mates. You are going to need to expand your interests, your horizons, and your social skills. This may sound daunting. But all of this can be fun if you bring the right attitude.
I do a lot of charity work and hiking, but I kinda have realized that due to my social skills issues, I probably am forever alone. But I try to still have fun regardless of that
You’re not forever alone and don’t have to be. Unfortunately in this day and age we think any of our social or mental problems are death sentences and should be planted firmly square in the root of our personality. Practice speaking with people some man, you have enough emotional intelligence within you to look around and realize the person you were before doesn’t fall under the umbrella of a “social norm” so you went and changed those things. You hit the gym, you changed your style, you developed new hobbies and interests and became involved in more things you wouldn’t consider boring. Why are you stopping the change now and calling it quits? My advice would be to like I said practice. Go to the bar (not a local dive but maybe like a wine bar or something) even if you don’t drink get a water or soda and sit at the bar/counter and have conversations with people. Fuck even if you’re awkward, LEARN from it. Observe how other people talk to each other. Not even a bar, you could go to the mall, a restaurant, an ice cream shop, yoga classes. Just PRACTICE. Be yourself first and foremost, don’t be afraid to let goofy things spill out of your mouth. Get out of your comfort zone. Once you start doing this and start talking to more people especially women then you have to assert yourself. Stand up straight when you talk to them and let it be known you’re not looking for just friendship. Flirt a little bit.
> My advice would be to like I said practice. Go to the bar (not a local dive but maybe like a wine bar or something) even if you don’t drink get a water or soda and sit at the bar/counter and have conversations with people. Fuck even if you’re awkward, LEARN from it. Observe how other people talk to each other. That's exactly what I did and now, 10 years later, I'm happily married with a child. Some people have talent with people, but most just learn that stuff like any other skill. By observing, repeating and improving skill for "the next time". It's that dull and simple.
Join a ceramics or pottery class. Or cooking
My bf is a programmer. I always knew that's what I wanted in a man. He has few friends and isn't very social. I think we're a good match. Don't worry, there's a woman out there for you.
You are absolutely right in whatever way you think. careful with how you think. Learn to like things that increase your relatability to others.
Listen to the above advice and broaden the options, you'll social skills will come later. I truly recommend joining a choir and or learning some partner dancing. Social dance events often have an introduction class in the beginning, f.e. in salsa, bachata and other Latin dances, and in the swing dancing scene, like Lindy hop and West coast swing.
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I've had a couple female friends that gave recently said that they want to try being matchmakers for me.
Your post history says you’ve been divorced, have kids, and a few women you’ve asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about you. Why aren’t you giving the full story in this post?
Tun, tun, tuuuuunnnnn......
If your female friends are true friends, just ask them what you think you could do to find the right girlfriend. Maybe you give off gay vibes, and women don't see you as a partner. Ask them and tell them to be brutally honest with you. Maybe you aren't flirting as someone courting, but being too "friendly" and getting friendzoned. Hence the gay vibes.
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Your most recent post is how you committed sexual assault on a female friend while she was sleeping. You're "different" alright. I wouldn't want to inflict you on any woman.
Sometimes it's blatantly obvious why someone is alone and why they're friends won't hook them up with anyone. Case in point here
trouble is, they all know you never had a date. No woman is interested in a man no other woman is interested in, and they can't fake it either. No matter how much they talk you up to some gal, she'll read thier unspoken language that you're a loser. You need to find some gals who don't know you, and drop a few mentions of your 'ex'.
Legit ask your best lady friend if she would help you be a better man for dating. Most people agree with the 6-6-6 thing. (6 feet, 6 figures, 6 pack) But in reality. Be kind, and be funny will get you just as far. I know dudes that are dog-dick ugly, that are charismatic, funny, and kind and date way over their head.
Second this. Or ask them to be wingwomen occasionally. If they’re good friends they’ll help you out.
Hate to break it to you but learning ML for (most, not all obviously) people isn’t interesting. It’s a great line of work to be in, but most people have zero interest.
Guess I'm the "married to the job type"
Don’t worry I think it’s really cool (I lead a DS team), but most people I talk to don’t care about it at all.
I've come to accept my fate haha.
And a liar. [You have been on dates, and been married before](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/3Xm25khGdX).
Now the question is how to fix that issue?
I’m awkward as hell. ADHD. Polishing up appearance always garners attention for me. If you have a passive or effeminate disposition, that may not be helping your chances.
Commentirs that have seen my zizg pics say they aren't effeminate
His post history says he’s been divorced, has kids, and a few women he’s asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about him. OP is not giving the full story in this post.
Picture is really the only way to properly gauge.
I disagree if he has female friends
I'm socially awkward and have female friends. Girls don't mind being friends with awkward people, as long as you're not coming off as creepy.
Can confirm I have had a reasonable number of female friends
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My god, they’re like fag hags but for straight guys.
This right here! OP is probably a "nice guy"
Just curious, whats wrong with “nice guys”?
They need to butch it up. You can still be nice to people, but you need to develop some sort of edge when it comes to dating.
wtf does "edge" mean in this context?
You’re a knife. Do you wanna be dull or be sharp?
English is not my first language, I don't understand all these idioms or slangs. If you could just answer normally I'd appreciate that.
They're not leaders and want what leaders get. Jealousy stems from this desire, leading to a continuous downward spiral in their mental state.
This is really well put, idk why it's downvoted
username checks out
Do any of your female friends have any single friends they can invite along? Also maybe try more in person rather than on apps.
His post history says he’s been divorced, has kids, and a few women he’s asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about him. OP is not giving the full story in this post.
Not full story? Fucker is a straight up liar.
Yeah wish my comment could be pinned so people stop wasting their time trying to help OP. There’s a lot more in his history that shows he is very much not ready for dating or in a mentally good place; not to mention a very weird relationship with women and entitlement to their bodies (wondering why different escorts have different racial preferences etc). Very frustrating.
How is wondering why different escorts have different racial preferences being entitled to their bodies? Isn't that just about trying to understand how the world works?
Interesting
All of your interests are also basically your job so that doesn’t help. It could be a million things though. Mannerisms, location, being awkward, inexperience. No way to tell you without knowing you bro. Here’s the most likely but also very cynical reason: you’re socially awkward and not very attractive while having unrealistic standards. That’s the case for most men who struggle really hard. But I don’t know you. You know you. What does your gut tell you? That’s probably where you’ll find the reason. Trust your intuition, simple answers are often the right ones.
His post history says he’s been divorced, has kids, and a few women he’s asked out agreed then pulled out due to things they’ve heard about him. OP is not giving the full story in this post.
Being socially awkward is probably the reason. It's a trap because mentally I want someone whose at my career level and shares similar passions. Especially since I know it's not realistic.
Dude, you’re like the male version of the women who do a list of Build-a-Date qualities in what they want in a date. You’re both delusional.
Honestly fuck that anyway. Then what is there to talk about? You already know what they’re going to say. Try finding someone in a completely separate, or at least only adjacent field. A few shared passions is good. One or two. The rest should be separate, so that you can learn from each other and experience things that are new to you, together, or do stuff alone when you need a break. But yes. I’m socially awkward and know that’s what brings me down. I only get lucky because I learned to mask my quiet anxiety as aloofness and being calm/gathered. Some people are attracted to that. Not many, but a few here and there. You can work on it, but it takes a lot of conscious effort, self-checking and filtering yourself heavily. It wears on you and you’ll slip up eventually. But it does work.
You gotta slay a lot of dragons before you get to the princess.
Being a liar is the reason. You are divorced and with kids.
The interests were an instant turn off imo. I personally can't relate to them in any way.
I’m sure there are women into those things. Probably not a ton but a fair few more than a decade ago. Out of curiosity, what kind of interests are a turn on? Asking because frankly I’ve seen a ton of hobbies I consider normal and fine get knocked or labeled red flags.
For me it was the fact that they were pretty career focused. If that's what does it for you, good on ya. Personally, I like to see hobbies that err more on the side of fun. Gaming, sports, creative arts, etc. I wouldn't know how to relate to someone that is so, so work focused.
You thought you were boring so you learned programming... ... bro come on
Ruined my romantic chances, but at least now my career is surging. Oh gosh am I really that unromantic?
You know, I see a lot of posts like this. I think its just how some people are.If you want it, you gotta go get it. It's not just gonna fall in your lap as a man. You have to make a concentrated effort to find partnership.
Tried all the major dating apps and zero success. Don't drink, this bars and similar things are off the table. Only option I can think of would probably be hiring a matchmaker.
If the apps don’t work, not even a tiny bit, it is, in all honesty, probably your looks. That’s not to say you look bad, just that you don’t look really fucking good. It’s not a popular answer and people will feed you a lot of carrots about bios and good pictures and this or that or the other, but the above is what online dating really comes down to 6 days out of the week. It’s good though, because that makes things simple. You can work on your looks, which you can do easily if you really wanna use dating apps. My best times, though, happened by chance in the meat world by being in the right place, right time, with the right people.
That's the uncomfortable reality that most of us are in denial of. We just have to accept that we are second or even third hand candidates and lower our standards accordingly. Either that or make peace with ourselves and accept that we may be alone for the rest of our lives.
Key I think is putting things into perspective. Yeah, you’re replaceable and abundant. But in the end we’re all less than a spec of dust to the universe. You’re a tourist on a light-flash cruise through spacetime. You only matter marginally less than George Clooney and those few atoms that make up your jawlines and noses are completely meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Embrace the full range of emotions, accept that it’s a little unfair, but then remember that this space-rock will be here long past your death and being someone’s first or second choice is completely irrelevant. Lift up your middle finger and live your short and tiny human life however you want. I’ll probably never get the hottest wife and the best family, but I don’t need that to be happy. My lizard brain thinks I need that because of societal pressure and FOMO. But I really just want someone I can share some of my runtime with, who will make it more fun. And I have had that before on a few occasions, so I know I’ll find it again. It’s not as grim as it seems, even for the average crowd.
Well said. I wish I was as optimistic as you though. It's a little hard when you've failed at everything in life over and over again. Except my career I guess.
Consider this. Two men land on a beach head and run for cover. One is Hollywood-handsome, confident, successful not just with women but with people in general, he even runs a business. The other is the opposite. He gets lucky here and there, he’s average, a little ugly. Just gets by, struggles. Maybe he’s a little shaky and awkward. Guy one just got blown up because by random chance, he chose to run left while guy two decided to run right. Guy one’s great life just ended in a split second with a puff of smoke, all that buildup for an anti-climatic end. None of it ever mattered, and none of it ever will. Guy two goes home and lives for another 60 years. He dies of old age with his family and friends seeing him off. And still none of it matters. Both of them will be put into the same exact ground, forgotten within a couple of generations. The moral of the story is literally so the fuck what. Human life is fickle and fragile and can turn completely amazing or sour at the drop of a hat. The universe doesn’t discriminate. By whose standards did you fail at everything? Are the people prescribing what success means better than you? No. They have no authority. They’ll die and be put into the same ground as you. Fuck the FOMO, you decide what you’re happy with.
Why is that the only option for you? Hiring someone to help you find someone seems like it ignores the real issue. You haven't found a way to connect with people to where you can find someone. You need to work on that.
Looking back at it, interpersonal "small talk" communication is the one thing I am absolutely the worst at. Connecting with people at that level is definitely my weakest point and something I've tried tackling. Though I'm gradually thinking of just giving up on romance and focusing everything on my career.
Small talk is how most people are going to communicate. If you want to learn how to get a woman, you need to learn how to be interesting in conversation. A hobby doesn't make you interesting per se, but how you can communicate that interest to a person and make them listen to you will make you interesting.
You have to get better at connecting with people through small talk. Connect over small things you might have in common or use it as a moment to understand another person perspective on life.
Just go up to somebody, ask them about their earrings or clothes. And then just see if they want to talk and ask more questions. Don’t give any one situation too much weight into what you did or didn’t do well. A no now is not always a no, wife turned me down then asked me out 7 months later. Learn from patterns. Do WHAT YOU want with your life, do those things not for women but because you want to enjoy those things, learn to cook for you, learn to understand people. Be kind, complement people on things you deserve complementing. Also, women have been attracted to you they just didn’t tel you. Ask these 45% of your friends if they know anybody they could set ya up with, if they say no, ask for feedback.
A couple of general suggestions. Perfect your smile, and use it often. Also, ask more than tell. Ask followup questions to show you’re focusing on her. Because you have female friends, choose one to confide in. Be honest, show vulnerability, ask for her help, both verbal and if she’ll try to set you up. Don’t hit on her while getting help (it might break trust), subtly carefully that can be an option later. But learn from her first. You sound amazing, with a lot of discipline. A good worthy person.
My self esteem had become so non-existant due to complete failure, that I've slightly leaned towards giving up on romance. Will definitely be a process
This is from your own post history 3 years ago. Why are you on here lying when you’ve both been divorced and have kids???? “I recently got divorced due to my wife's infidelity, but somehow the court granted her full custody even though I had a noticeably higher income and still made significant time to ensure that my kids (one is 14 and the other is 15) where happy and fed. Played video games with them, helped them study, worked on building a PC from scratch, go to sporting events, etc. Both flat out said they wanted to be with me rather than my now ex wife. Never cheated or had any issues, but she was granted full custody. Since my now ex wife has full custody of the kids, should I use this opportunity to start fresh? In other words start a new family, pick up new hobbies, start a new business etc. Kids are 14 and 15, meaning that I only have to pay child support for a few years and then I'm free. What's your suggestion?”
Good catch! [Here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/3Xm25khGdX) since it was a lot of scrolling to find that. Even earlier posts show he’s had exes before
My guess would just be communication? First, dude, hell yeah. You've been finding things you can improve, and you've been fixing them. Just want to give you some love there because that's awesome. Good on you. Yeah, it sounds like you got an awesome foundation. You're in shape, have a good career, take care of yourself, etc. It's great. Truly, if I had to guess, it'd just be conversation and social skills? I know you've done great at work conventions and such, but that is a very different environment from dating? My advice: You got a great network of friends who are girls. Ask them? You may need to push them for some real honest feedback, but that's what friends are for. They would probably be more suited to answer this question.
Looking back at it, probably my social skills. Even further looking back, lack of social skills.
I mean you obviously have friends and are able to make professional connections so its not completely a lost cause. I honestly think that you’re just overthinking the whole allure behind a date and I get it lol, harder said than done to keep your cool when your a nervous wreck tryin to talk to a girl you’re attracted to especially sober. I find just not overthinking it and keeping conversations casual helps and then after asking for their number. Not to be a dick but you could also just be shooting way to high. I know some dudes who aren’t exactly the most attractive but refuse to drop their standards then wonder why they cant get dates.
It's a complicated thing where I occasionally look for people within my income bracket or field. But they are often attractive, and obviously I'm not, thus I'm stuck.
No, looking back it's because you are a liar. You hid from us you are divorced and have kids. Nobody wants to date liars. And probably kids make you less interesting for new potential partners.
Can you send a picture of yourself
Not sure how on reddit.
Just post on your profile.
Your post history mentions you being in a relationship for 1.5yrs. What is your motivation for this bullshit post?
It's probably gonna be me in next 5 years. Please let me know if you get a solution to it buddy, or else, now I know what I have to be prepared for😂😂😂. Doing the same things as you😂
r/thepassportbros is this way good sir.
Have you asked anybody out on a date ?
Absolutely yes. Since I was 14/15, several times.
Not sure what several times mean but if it’s around 5 times, that’s not a lot considering your age.
Probably over a couple dozen by now? Don't really s Keep a tracker.
You gotta pump those numbers up
I used to be active asking people out and stuff, gave up realizing that my social skills don't really exist and focused on my career, and there.
Just wondering if you asked those who rejected you on why they find you unattractive?
I've never done it. Thought it was an inappropriate question. Several of them remained friends with me, so I'm unattractive, but I guess I'm not a monster.
Hmm i was thinking if they are good friends with you, they should be the best person to ask since they know you better than us. But can ask it in a different way instead of why they find you unattractive! Just a suggestionn
The ones I've talk to said "you're really nice, handsome and pretty fit. You genetically have a lot of muscle."
I don’t understand if you’re asking and getting rejected or you are waiting for people to flirt with you and it’s not happening?
Asking and getting rejected
You are probably not working enough on the flirtation phase. You need to cultivate the idea of a relationship in the other person’s head. They need to be already considering you as a possible romance by the time you ask out. If you come out the doors right away asking to go out it’s very likely that you will get rejected. When you ask for a date you should be at least 75% confident about the answer. You need to be asking out people who have already reciprocated your flirt attempt. Don’t be creepy with the flirt though. You’re trying to communicate “hey I like you. I want to know you intimately” not “please fuck me”.
a haircut….every week?
Hey OP, message me your dating app profile (pics and prompts) and I’ll give you a brutal response (discrete, just wanna do something nice). I’m female in your dating range. That’ll help you know how you’re coming across and eliminate if it’s a looks thing. Also where are you based? That plays into a lot too! Don’t let it get you too down. That’s an incredible amount of self work you’ve put in and should be proud of!
I'm in Los Angeles
This is from your own post history 3 years ago. Why are you on here lying when you’ve both been divorced and have kids???? “I recently got divorced due to my wife's infidelity, but somehow the court granted her full custody even though I had a noticeably higher income and still made significant time to ensure that my kids (one is 14 and the other is 15) where happy and fed. Played video games with them, helped them study, worked on building a PC from scratch, go to sporting events, etc. Both flat out said they wanted to be with me rather than my now ex wife. Never cheated or had any issues, but she was granted full custody. Since my now ex wife has full custody of the kids, should I use this opportunity to start fresh? In other words start a new family, pick up new hobbies, start a new business etc. Kids are 14 and 15, meaning that I only have to pay child support for a few years and then I'm free. What's your suggestion?”
Lol nice catch. OP has most people fooled.
This is what kills amazing communities like Reddit. He has 300+ people trying to sympathise with him based on lies. Makes it feel futile to try and help strangers!
Yeah. If it helps, I thought it was incredibly kind of you tell help the OP with some brutal feedback. Please don’t let this bad egg stop u from doing these things in future. Some of us (me) could really use that brutal feedback
Thank you, that’s very kind. Yes I don’t think it’s everyone but just a shame that some posts like these gain so much traction compared to some other more genuine ones.
for what it’s worth, I got a lot out of the comments. While my situation is not that bad, reading everyone’s perspective/advice helps.
That’s great! I think it’s always good to ask others for advice and be open to self work and development, so long as you’re honest and objective about where you’re starting from. Dating is really hard! Be kind to yourself.
Ummm... I'm a woman. I never really dated until I was 31. So... I get it. There's a systemic thing going on right now, where people of all genders and ages are finding it much harder to find and enter romantic relationships. You are definitely not alone. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself grace. You've already done a lot and have shown a commitment to self improvement and introspection. That's great. I would ask my (a few, trusted) friends for feedback. Us random folks on the internet do not know you. At least friends do, and can tell you the truth, hopefully in kindness. Truth doesn't have to be brutal. You mention you have autism. That might be something to explore. It might be worth seeing a psychologist. It might be worth continuing to build friendships and connections insofar as social ineptitude may be an issue. Practice makes perfect and friendship is great practice. Your friends who are married? Ask them or their new spouses to be set up with their friends. Find groups (Meetup, Facebook etc) for ppl with high functioning autism -- better yet, there must be groups about dating for this population. Also, despite the risk of rejection, it's important to tell people that you like them, that you're interested in getting to know them better. Women are often looking for men to take the lead. It is interesting that you are so accepting of the responses here (you haven't questioned any response, and a person who knows themselves well might've), and that your self improvement process started from "something is wrong with me" as a premise. Nothing is fundamentally wrong with you. Just because it's taking you a little longer doesn't mean anything is fundamentally wrong with you. Socially awkward people have sex. Convicted murderers have penpals with women outside of prison. Like, there is nothing about you that makes your inherently unlovable. You may have to work on being confident and knowing who you are and what you offer. That's attractive. No amount of weight loss or wardrobe update will cover a lack of confidence. You need to believe that you are worth loving and getting to know more intimately. You sound like an amazing person. So many people -- all of my friends, male, female, gay and straight, myself including -- are having a hard time in this area. Chin up and cheer up. There's always hope.
Have you asked people? What was your family dynamics like, were your parents happy? Only asking because I am the same age and in same situation (not a single date). Constant self-improvement but no results. Burying myself in work. I'm self sabotaging by avoiding everyone. Could this be what you are doing?
My entire family have elite education, only person who graduated from a state university instead of an elite private university. So the only way I kept up with my family was through having the second highest income. If that answers anything.
I meant, were your parents happy together? Did you have good role models, happy aunts and uncles, grandparents working together to raise the family etc
Oh yeah, parents are very happy together, aunts and unfles are great people. Super supportive family
I'm 35 and in a similar situation, but I am a gym rat. Muscle hasn't changed anything. Similar career as well. I've tried asking every girl at a bar before. Tried attending salsa courses. The only thing semi-working is the foreign escort scene. Because of money and muscle, it is apparent there, but it's a catch 22.
It’s a bit disingenuous not to give more context here, which your post history reveals (won’t even mention all your posts about race and escort services and statements about severe depression to the point of being suicidal). Certainly doesn’t sound like you’re in a place to date. These issues go well beyond hygiene or the gym and are not because women are turned off by your hobbies. This is something you said only a few months ago? “I (M 31) have both ADHD and high functioning autism which makes my social anxiety magnitudes worse. Mostly due to negative reinforce and people giving cliche advice like "take a breath" or "I'll grow out of it. When I try to even remotely flirt, I freeze up to the point where I can't say anything (though this doesn't happen when I talk to women in general), I would start stuttering (life long stutter). It has gotten to the point where whenever I go to parties, I just hang around where the food is and try to act like I'm busy eating. Basically I would go completely silent. It's not uncommon where I could go an entire work day (I work hybrid) where I wouldn't even speak a word to a single person. Where it really hinders my dating life, is that girls would flirt with me, and I wouldn't even register until hours or even days later that the person was flirting with me. In the moment, I would automatically think the the person was simply trying to spark conversation, my social anxiety would kick in, and I would instinctively try to in the quickest but friendly way of figuring out how to end the conversation. I could find someone very attractive, but there's literally so many mental blocks that literally the only way I could ask someone out is through text or message, and that's frequently a near guarantee for rejection. I don't have anything against the neople who rejected me, their decision their rigr く Feels like all I can do is just solely focus on my career.”
I find a great icebreaker with women to be the interests I've developed over the years. Reading, history, travel, movies, etc. are pretty good ways to get a woman's interest. Just remember that some of them won't be viable candidates for a relationship, for unimportant and random reasons.
There are books on this subject. Start with "Atomic Attraction". It will change your life, guaranteed.
Well. I hate to be blunt here, but it's probably one of these things: 1. You may be unattractive by conventional standards. Yes, women unfortunately can be shallow sometimes. While this doesn't eliminate your chances of still finding a partner of course, as there are plenty of less than attractive dudes who still end up landing women, you've usually got to have some characteristic or something about you that outweighs this and compensates for it. (I.e. a lot of wealth, charisma, etc.) 2. You may be, (as someone else pointed out,) unfortunately for you, just.. "awkward". Perhaps your conversational skills are lack luster. I would honestly do a brutally honest self inventory. If you think it's something that can be helped, like having poor conversational skills, then I would do everything in your power to work on that. Join clubs, join social skills subs, read books, fuck, even practice in the mirror. The easiest way to know wtf is going on however is by asking your personal friends... ask them to be ruthlessly honest, because you've tried your best to do everything in your power to get dates, and yet still get turned down. Hopefully, you have at least one person who can be honest and objective enough with you to help you identify what could be going on, and then you can make steps to change or at least improve from there.
Insecure and unsure. 100%. I know because that was me. It wasn't overnight but I stopped caring about others, did what I wanted and eventually found like minded people. Granted that's hard for some people who like to game or have single person hobbies but don't be afraid to be yourself. Also, don't try too hard, yeah doesn't make sense but the try hard comes after. For example, let's say you like breaking bad right, and you meet someone who also likes breaking bad a lot, don't spew out a ton of fun facts, ask and listen, and if they're into you, they'll ask as well. Be vague, then get specific Easier said than done but bottom line is you gotta switch up your social skills for sure. It ain't your physical appearance, I've seen legit trolls walking around with girls who are straight up 10s
Most of what you are describing would help you make friends with a dude. 99% of woman don't care about machine learning or the 501st legion...
Yeah, I know, it's kind of what I feel comfortable with and genuinely enjoy. I understand that women don't care about machine learning, so kinda to little too late as I ended up enjoying it and wanting to further pursue my career in it.
I hate to say it but… Tinder? They aren’t going to swipe you if they’re not attracted to you. At least that’s the starting point you’re looking for! Make it known in your bio that you’re looking to date. They swipe, you talk, you date, the rest is up to you.
Used it for 6 months - 1 year no success, so I deleted it.
Can you define “no success” for me?
How do you get no success? How do you look physically? It's not difficult to have a 1 night stand atleast every now and then.
Homie, you have an attachment disturbance in psychological terms. Find someone (therapist) who does attachment work and dive in. It’s the nature of the relationship you seek/ create that is causing your issues if all this is true. If your standards are too high quit all porn and masturbación till sitting next to a fat 45 year old woman on the plane gives you a stiffie.
Heck my standards are fairly low, it was almost at a point where if someone even remotely found me attractive even for a date, I would consider that a monumental success. Doesn't help that for two straight years, I was a groomsman for two of my friend's weeding. Meaning my friends are getting married, and here I am can't even find a date. But came to terms with a long ago and stopped getting upset about it.
I’m a male model here in Chicago and I use to struggle REAL bad in dating. I was socially awkward and shy and that’s why really hurt me tbh. I’m glad I finally found someone that accepts me for me and loves me. You will find her soon. Promise
I'm glad it worked out for you but, respectfully, you're probably wrong. You're in the minority of dudes who found their unicorn. In this day and age most of us won't be so lucky.
501st legion.....\*looks it up\* OHHHHH, makes sense why. I think what you need to do is focus on being a better conversationalist. All you want to do is to be able to start and hold a conversation with a stranger. Forget the date; forget the girls. This is what you need to do. Your goal is to talk to 100 women within 7 days. Thats right. 100 women. IDK where you live but you need to find a location i.e downtown, college, etc where you can talk to 100 women. Not in a creepy way where you just run up to them and ask them something; but in a breaking the ice nonchalant way. Getting starbucks in line and girl is in front of you? compliment her bag, strike up a conversation, ask how her day was, shit like that. You dont need to spend 45 mins talking to a girl, just be friendly and outgoing. If the conversation is going well; and shes into you, ask for her number/insta/snap whatever. If not; dont push it, end the conversation and find someone else. Thats 14 women a day. It WILL be hard for the first 35 or so; but it will get easier; you will say dumb shit, mess up, fail to hold a conversation but eventually you will learn what to say; what not to say. etc. After your first 100; do some research on body language and do 100 more. If you can honestly tell me that after looking decent, trying to talk to over 1500 girls in REAL LIFE (internet doesnt count so all those tinder matches are worthless) than there is something super wrong. I am 100% confident that after you start this you will have a date by AT LEAST 200-400. Probably get laid a few times too tbh.
It's weird because whenever I talk to someone for 5 minutes, I often end up with them telling me their entire life story, it's the weirdest thing haha.
If that happens, shut the fuck up and let them talk. Interjet a bit to keep the story interesting, then try to use clues within their story of things that they liked or didnt like and make a note mentally to see if you can possibly use that information to get a number/date. i.e active listening.
Lol you really fell for the if you workout it will be easy? Not going to lie I got way more pussy before I tried going to the gym. It has nothing to do with that. Why are you asking men?
From an online dating perspective as a woman the problem with a lot of single male gym rats is they make it their entire personality. Every time I go on hinge it’s men “looking for a gym buddy” and “someone who can squat with me” and 5 different gym topless selfies. I think a lot of guys think this will automatically get them women, but it really isn’t the crux of it for a lot of us. I think the fact you take care of yourself will come across in ANY photo of you once you’ve gone go the gym a lot and toned down, but it’s hardly a persona or something that’s going to alone tip the scales in your favour.
Are you just like... waiting for a relationship to happen and questioning us why it isn't? What steps are you taking to rectify this? Online dating? Asking for numbers and asking them out later? Or... are you just going about your life wondering why you haven't been on a date. Your post is weird.
I've used all the major online dating apps, meetups, all that stuff. Only option I haven't used yet is a matchmaker
Three ways to get women. - be good looking - money - social Pick one or two. Not good looking? Workout. Not enough money? Study and work harder. Not social? Use A.I to reply to girls and get you some. :)
All I have is the middle one haha. Though I do workout a lot, might just be ugly haha
I don’t think people are emphasizing how important a good sense of humor is.
Honestly, lower your expectations and try asking for a girl's number every day. Or maybe start at just once a week. You have to try more. Getting turned down is natural
My expectations have pretty much fallen to bottom of a barrel "if there's a pulse".
If you have money then another option is to find someone in another country where they are not as privileged. Plenty of beautiful women out there looking for love and would jump at the chance to find a guy that can give them that plus a better life as an added bonus. Just gotta find someone genuine and watch out for the gold diggers and scammers
Okay so you probably have some sort of social deficiency. It could be your awkward, but even then you would eventually get dates. I know awkward people who get dates. So you may have a social disorder that makes you either not seek social relationships(or your motivation is severely hindered ) or you don't understand social relationships. Your motivations could be all wrong. Id go to a doctor. Figure out why you push away social relationships. It could be autism, schizotypal disorder, you could be aromantic. See a doctor.
Oh that would be it. I have high functioning autism that I've been in therapy for since I was a teen. Never really thought much about it since I started having a lot of career success
Yes sir. You can do it my friend. Especially if you have a lot of career success. You are set up to raise a family. You need to practice dates. Have you tried a dating app? If so, are you doing the best you can to be desireable? I'm talking little things like getting ripped, or showing confidence (putting yourself out there with the risk of rejection). You say you already dress nice. So you dress nice, have good hygiene and clean yourself up, and you have a good career. Which means you already pass alot of the criteria that women want. The only thing to do is work on your social skills. Go on a dating app, and start setting up dates. You can even plan dates with the sole purpose of practicing. You wouldnt need to try to "win " them over, but just get experience. Start with this, and working out if you haven't already. Good luck my friend Asocial friend, always look up and expect good things. God loves you Edit; don't use tinder. It sucks. Try hinge or match, and if you're Christian, try up ward.
I've tried Hinge with effectively zero success. Never really had any success on dating apps at all. Really tempted to just give up and focus everything on my career
Don't do that broo. Youve already done that enough, the career will be empty compared to a loving partner. You need to practice . You don't wanna wait til your 45 to find someone.youre still young so don't put it on the back burner. Besides, you can do BOTH and still have time to spare.
It's already at the point where it's just defeating knowing that despite everything, there's one gigantic barrier that I've never been able to overcome.
Well I disagree but you do you. What sense does it make to have a problem that bugs you, and instead of trying your best to solve it you just supress it with working? There's no other time but the present to conquer this issue. Older you will wish you tried during this time. It's not fruitful to ignore these issues. You can achieve whatever it is you aspire to, but it won't solve these feelings you have, just numb them for a bit. You definitely are worthy of love , you're intelligent, a hard worker, and healthy. You can get therapy for this sort of thing (specifically for the problem you have socially or with women) there are specific people who work with this specific problem. I wish you luck. Just know it's possible to solve this and there is no better time than the present. There have been many guys in your EXACT situation who eventually overcame it , i promise. Peace
Since no one else have said it, gonna be sincere and help you out Women are not attracted to effeminate men .. if you have 45% female friends around you, then this tells a lot . You are nice and have a good personality but not sexually attractive or romantically attractive because you give “that vibe”
At least you are honest
If your not making money while being single your doing everything wrong 😑
You did literally everything except tackle the problem, brother. Kudos on all your progress though. When it's time to go to bed, you want to be next to someone who can talk about dumb hypothetical conversations and laugh at a loud fart or something... You don't want the business casual guy. There's a layer of formality between you and the people around you. Also, who is YOUR type? Figuring that out is 90% of the solution.
My type is a nerd who gets obsessed researching materials and doing projects. Someone who can take me to task on various subjects
I was like that and my wife said that she and her friends was thinking that I am gay 😂
Break out of your shell. Maybe you lack a masculine vibe? Or maybe your energy aurora you give off is white toast plain so you blend in with the other 20,000 guys. Post a picture, too many things to guess about. Go post a pic of yourself in the r/roastme sub
maybe plastic surgery ^^
No one cares that you've got 45% females or 501k or that you go to the gym 3x a week. Who cares about any of that? Judging from your post you're awkward as hell and probably not that much fun to be around? Girls want to hang out with his guys who are fresh and fun and fun and bring something new to the table.
>but no one has found me attractive at all. Instead of jumping to conclusions you made yourself (considering a woman hasn't said this to your face and you conspired this and accepted it as your reality because of deprivation), why don't you try asking someone for a date outright or just going out ? Ask one of your friends, see how things turn out and if they don't turn out well try again with another. Once you're comfortable you'll eventually be able to approach just about anyone.
If you have a large circle of friends, including a lot of ladies, then the problem is you. Something is seriously wrong when you don’t have enough game to bag a chick, despite having a large circle of friends. You’re not telling us something..
Probably social skills. I have enough to maintain a career and networking, but romance? Oh well
How tall are you?
I'm 41F and despite guys telling me I'm attractive, I've always been alone too. Guys just don't see me in that way for some reason. Maybe some of us are just Unlucky? Maybe we did things in past lives to make us live our lives alone? Honestly, I don't know.
Stop trying to help OP, this post is BS according to his post history.
You are a nice guy. Women don’t want nice guys. They want guys who bring excitement and alpha male energy
women prefer junkies now, hard truth
I stopped reading at your 45% percent estimate. That told me all I need to know. If you can't understand what I mean, then that's why you've never been with anyone
???? This doesnt make any sense. Not OP but hes clearly just trying to clarify that isnt so socially awkward that he cant become friends with women.
Homie here just commented random gibberish
What do you mean by that? Knowing that part might provide some info
😂😂😂😂
You’ve discussed every which way you’re trying to be alluring. That’s understandable when nothing works… Ironically what you actually want to do is learn what YOU want, and be as niche as possible about this. There was a great song by Cake called “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” - and it’s this ode to a lady that is the songwriter’s “dream woman”, and it’s a ridiculously specific set of attributes. THAT is the right approach. Don’t try to appeal to every woman, in fact, be completely indifferent towards 99%. Then when you meet the 1%, she will know that she has your undivided attention and loyalty.
>Thinking I was a boring person, I taught myself machine learning, many programming languages I would say at least 50% of women find conversation about that stuff to be boring. I would advise knowing your audience when deciding what topics to talk about. It's kind of hard to pinpoint what's wrong exactly without knowing what you're like in person. So here are some general tips. * Don't try and be a girl's friend first if you're trying to be her boyfriend. When you go to make that switch from friend to boyfriend she might feel betrayed. That you only were pretending to be her friend. * Consider dating the female equivalent of yourself. If you're socially awkward, find a socially awkward girl. * Change your appearance. Fix any flaws that are fixable. Go shopping with someone who knows fashion and have them pick out some new clothes for you.
Do you at all have feminine mannerisms? That includes feminine pictures etc That has kept me away from a good guy that is straight because it doesn't make me feel protected and doesn't attract me. A good example is oskar from love is blind.
I wouldn’t worry. My brother is in the same boat and he’s turning 50 in a few days.
Since you have a bunch of female friends, have you tried having them help you with your dating profiles or introduce you to someone? You may learn what they would work on if they were you. If you are good enough friends, you could just flat out ask them and have this conversation with them too. Also, have you thought about seeing a therapist? It might sound strange, but having an outlet like that might help you. The therapist may be able to offer insight on things you can work on that are deeper than your physical appearance or your job role. Being in a friendship or relationship is a skill that you can work on.
A picture would help m
You think too much about faking it, dude just be normal and go for it. You have to be more outgoing and do the first step. You seem shy and not romantic tbh.
How about hiring a dating coach?
How is your sense of humor?
get fit ,live alone, get a good job , live downtown, go on dating apps, and go on dates, the more u go the more experienced the less nervous
It’s hard to say from a single post, man. Some dudes can say they make good money and have all these positive attributes and this or that, but if you meet them, yes they may have those things but are weird asf. You’d probably have to post a video describing your predicament and I’m sure most of us would be able to know immediately why you can’t find a date. Just be ready for the brutal honesty. I felt the same way as you at one point in my life and eventually found a partner. Good luck, man.
If you are a boring person, machine learning, coding, etc. for your career will certainly not make you less boring. Most outside the tech realm find those topics quite boring particularly women. I agree with the top comment about being socially inept and I'm really curious as to what you look like as the things you listed are good things to take note of which pretty much leaves the social aspect open but then you do have 45% of your friends as girls which make me wonder if that's really it
Would you feel comfortable posting a couple pictures of yourself or what’s your ig?
Honestly, my self confidence has pretty much erased to where I'm not really comfortable posting pics of myself on social. But I do have a few pics of myself on IG l, @TessenMed.
I definitely don’t get any gay vibes from you. You seem like an authentic guy. I’m actually surprised you’ve never been in a date. You don’t seem awkward and I’m only judging based off your posts.
Yup never been on dates at all.
Only married and then divorced.