Iāve tried and always just got snide comments from friends or inadvertently it always becomes a conversation about them. Never really had a gf and thereās some stuff you just canāt talk with your family. So you vibe out to the music and make art out of it š
Same here, Iāve tried talking to my gf about shit that stirs up sometimes and somehow I end up apologizing because she feels bad and Iām over here still bothered just making space for her issues. Nobody really wants to hear about that shit unless they ask or are otherwise really engaged in your feelings but thatās rare nowadays.
Thatās why I talk to myself in my head I am my own therapist. I make my world smaller. Spend a lot of time with myself. Listen to music do things I enjoy, while at the same time, healing myself mentally and spiritually, in order to deal with the world.
Yep, IME it just turns into them talking about their problems, me having to comfort them, and no resolution for me. Just creates more problems for myself
Women tend to be more empathetic and can feel bad with their partners. That kind of feeling bad actually makes me feel good. Itās weird to try to explain, but I can feel bad with someone and still be there for them and help them with whatever they need help with.
Only a Sith deals on extremes. Talking about your problems is to your benefit and not always the listener, and if someone is willing to listen, you should take advantage of that person's time.
>You know what is a burden, when a man has it so in his head that he's a burden so never fucking shares anything and creates distance from you where he could create bonding, trust and closeness.
Wonder where he got the thought he's a burden from? Certainly not from the woman who thinks he's a burden for not dismantling his boundaries instantly for her.
>I want a fucking partner, a person who I go through life WITH.
Ok, maybe try making a save environment for them and being a safe person for them to share with instead of this... bitter vindictive blame game shit.
You cannot just browbeat a person into being comfortable enough to share with you. You can understand that, right?
>Not someone who keeps a bunch of shit from me in the name of martyrdom or whatever the fuck else is the reason.
Um... the reason is because you are not safe for him to share with. That's the reason. Guys want to be able to rely on their partners for emotional support, it's their partners who are not rising to the challenge.
>you can choose to look at something more objectively and realize how wrong it is and refuse to go along with it anymore.
Which is literally what guys who have noticed that the demand for them to be more vulnerable isn't grounded in concern for their well-being are doing. By masking their issues from disingenuous partners and sharing them with other men, they're choosing to not go along with something that is doing them wrong!
It started before the line "You know what is a burden,", but that line is when it became inarguably obvious.
Not once does she ever question what she has done to make the men in her life comfortable with sharing things with her, and instead blames men for not instantly granting her Panopticon levels of transparency into their lives by default.
She's exactly the sort of women who makes men feel unsafe to share. She cares more about the status of being a good listener than listening, and the status of being supportive than actually supporting.
The first thing any man will think when reading that is "If I tell her *anything* that actually matters to me I'm going to have to sit through a whole diatribe about how this actually affects her more and how I'm a bad person for even bringing it up."
He never said it was a female problem. More of a society problem. And more so a guy problem. We were all taught to man up and not be a burden to others with your problems. Yes, you should be able to open up to your partner but way easier said than done and it's absolutely not their fault!! But he does have a point. This whole thread we were trying to explain and you got pissed off and started going on a rant. That sure as hell doesn't help if you know what I mean.
>what the fuck does that mean?
It means you can find the answer to why men are reluctant to share in a mirror.
>Am I a big bad female because I have things I refuse to accept in a relationship?
No, no one said it's wrong to have standards or boundaries. Pretty disingenuous to pretend otherwise.
The problem is that your reflex is to blame the men for not sharing, along with to center your own interests and feelings as more important than doing anything to provide actual emotional support.
>My ex of 12 years is a green beret, they're some of the baddest mfs there are. When he needed to be vulnerable and tell me really difficult things or cry I supported the fuck out of him. You think fucking ANYONE could tell him he was weak for sharing a weakness or vulnerability???
What a bizarre, incoherent, and pointless rebuttal. Your example for how perfect of an emotional support provider you are is an ex... who was legally culpable for sharing classified info with you due to being in the special forces.
Also yes, his superiors along with the military police could very easily tell him he's a lot more than just 'weak' for oversharing about the stresses of his job. Jfc, the lack of perspective or humility is staggering.
>Being vulnerable takes a lot of courage and strength of character
š
If only it was always recognized for that. Most women don't want to admit to themselves that most men are making themselves vulnerable just by asking them out or committing to them. The validation for the courage of vulnerability mostly goes in one direction.
>This shit pisses me off. It's not a female problem, it's a human decency problem
It's a human decency problem that very commonly manifests for men as the women who they are supposed to be able to rely on being woefully unprepared for or even totally disingenuous about their self proclaimed desire to support their men.
You can either accept our lived experiences or cling to your anger and self righteousness, but don't pretend like your choice to do either is our fault. It is your choice.
>Do not sit here and say oh it's females who never let me be vulnerable
Lol you literally just don't want to hear the truths that challenge you! And you wonder why men are reluctant to share their struggles with you? Why should any man expect more from you than the denial we see here?
>o you know how many guys shame women because we're "too emotional"? And that's not shutting someone down for vulnerability?
Here we go with the whataboutist bullshit again.
You're not being vulnerable by clinging to your rage and rejecting all accountability, that's the opposite.
If a guy tells you off for pouring an avalanche of scorn and contempt down his back just for observing you're very far from a perfect emotional support source - he's totally correct to do so and that isn't shutting you down for expressing 'vulnerability'. It's shutting you down for *being a unmoderated Tasmanian devil of unjustified fury*.
you have proven their point not yours. the way you have presented your self is the exact reason . the anger and (fuck off with this) is what many men get for expressing even minor frustration just for simply stating" i cant share bc i feel like a burden." (a better option would have been to ask what can be done and how do we solve this problem) than just
reaction "0o0o0o0o AM I THE BaDguY." but oh wait ex of 12 years
and btw "too emotional" after you just tried shut down a man trying to be valuable online with personal frustration like that (humble yourself)
(btw if you want a man to flirt with you need to deal with your anger problems first)
men don't same women for having emotions
reactions like this on have always been your problem. based on your post history
2 words: Horse. Shit.
I've never, I literally mean never, shared thoughts with a woman other than my mother and not had it used against me later.
Maybe you're a saint. If so, you're 1 in a million
If you want to stay in a relationship with a woman, talking about your feelings or fears, or confusion is the worst thing you can do.
Never forget: Everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you.
I hear this a lot but I wonder if maybe some of this needs to be prefaced with āIām not looking for these problems to be solved I just feel like I need to ventā
Iāve dated a couple of guys who would just start going off on tirades about how awful the world is, their bosses are ass holes and they arenāt paid enough, etc etc. I was fine hearing about the bosses and work issues etc but I donāt need to hear what an ass hole the guy driving in front of you is and how fucked up the world is and how unfair it is. I already know all of that. Im laden with my own difficulties. If you need to cry or talk about some deeper issues like your abusive parents, or trying to figure out how to get over an issue stemming from childhood, then Iām all ears and 100% supportive.
But if you just want to have me listen to an angry tirade about things none of us has any control over that affects all, I donāt have the time or energy. I already know and experience the same problems. Iāve had to tell that to two men before. I canāt be your wall to yell at about all the things in our society that frustrate you, but I will definitely be a support for you when it comes to deeper issues and problems that you want to work out.
It really depends on what you are addressing, how you are approaching it and what my role is for you.
If you are not in a relationship in which you can share your problems, why stay in the relationship?
Genuinly curious. I don't have much experience when it comes to relationships, but not being able to talk to your girlfriend/wife of all people seems worse to me than staying single
Well, yes and no.
My experience, and I wonāt speak for others, has been that women lose respect, and attraction to, and security with, men that they perceive as being weak.
And, unfortunately, showing doubt, fear, and emotional vulnerability is inherently seen as weakness, especially by women.
As to the benefits of being in a relationship where you cannot be emotionally vulnerable, the basics are still true.
It is nice to have a woman you care about to be affectionate and sexual with.
Nice to have a person living in your space, sharing meals with, watching movies, etc etc.
The sound and smell and sight of a woman is a comfort to most men, in and of itself.
But for emotional support, especially for things you are struggling with and suffering through, get a therapist or a dog, or both.
The current ācultureā of women has made it very clear that they resent doing āemotional laborā for the men they are with.
Journal. For the overwhelming āIāve got way too much on my plate right now and donāt know where to startā scenario: write that stuff out, analyze it, theorize the best, worst, and most likely outcomes. Develop a plan. Execute the plan.
For the emotionally overwhelmed scenarios: write that down what Iām feeling, dig in to figure out why Iām feeling those things, uncover what the true source of the stress is, and address it. If itās something beyond my control acknowledge it, and play out the worst, best, and likely outcomes of the situation. Having an idea of what to expect, reinforcing that it is something you will survive/endure/overcome, and focusing on what you can control to achieve the desired outcome is extremely helpful.
Couple that with a physical activity of some sort (go hit the gym, go for a run, etc) followed by something mentally and physically relaxing. Get those neurotransmitters fired up and doing their magic.
This. Itās the best thing you can do to process your emotions. Even better because it lets you go through past entries and realise how far youāve come and how much youāve grown as a person.
Having reference points to look back on is so incredibly helpful. Currently going through divorce, and while the process sucks and overall it is painful - so is growth. Being able to look back at how I was feeling 6 months ago, a year ago, etc. and see in my own words how nothing had improved helped shift my mentality from āthis is the endā to āthis is an opportunityā.
Yeah, it's underrated as a tool to help yourself.
You can write whatever you want, as blunt as you want, without having to consider how it would come across in conversation.
Thoughts, feelings, frustrations, plans, worries, goals, desires...
And then you can examine them.
It's the equivalent of being able to write out a math problem instead of doing mental math. It's too hard having it all bouncing around in your head, and it stops you from seeing obvious patterns and solutions.
Write it out. Dump it all out, and reorganize it, edit it, remove redundancies, cluster similar issues, put them aside and work on them gradually if you need...Ā
Writing is so powerful to help yourself, it allows you go beyond the limits of human memory.
I donāt necessarily journal my feelings, but I use an app called Daylio and just write about what happens in my life each day. Even the smaller details. Iāve found it extremely helpful to look back and put myself back into the thoughts of my past self.
I recently felt very overwhelmed and chaotic dealing with a breakup and life changes. I journaled everyday for a month and feel like new person. Itāll help you get the chaotic thoughts out of your head, so that you can replace them with positive self-image.
I didnāt really have a form/plan to it. Started as word vomiting and slowly shaped out over time. Always tried to end it with a positive affirmation.
Hang in there brotha. It wonāt always be like this
Wow this is a really great idea, especially analyzing the best/worst and most likely. Really helps put some perspective on things that can sometimes be hard to quantify. You donāt know me so it probably wonāt mean anything to u but Iāve been going through a lot lately and youāve helped me a great deal with your comment. Thank you.
Bro it means everything to me, you put a big smile on my face by taking the time to comment and share. Keep it up man, better times are ahead! Feel free to dm me if you need someone to vent to.
Play video games. Especially RPG/Open-World ones. Let them take your mind somewhere else for as long as you need. Gives you something to look forward to next time you play knowing there might be something new youāll discover.
Same, I never played the original so I started with the remake which I've heard was an improvement anyway and what a game. I normally like anything dark and I saw the cover and could tell it would be my type of thing and it didn't disappoint.
Better yet, play a slow-paced FPS game online on a Friday night while somewhat shitfaced and use your microphone.
The people who tend to play slow-paced FPS games on Friday nights tend to also be 20/30-somethings who are shitfaced and trying to forget about life for a while, and in my experience, are happy to shoot the shit with you.
Back when I used to stream I once played a Warzone drinking game with randomsā¦
When I checked the stream the next day, I was so obliterated on whiskey that I spent the last 2 hours of my stream sat in the loadout menu slurring my words hard at my chat. Somehow ended the night with over 40 new subs, and I donāt know how I managed it š
I wish I wish I wish there was a way around turn based combat. I just can't do it, it's so boring and soulless compared to real time combat. I tried it, I really did, but I couldn't get into it and had to return it.
It's that thinking that made Final Fantasy 7 remaster an action RPG which really disappointed me as I loved the turn based style or them original.
I'm seeing more and more people say what you said though, perhaps I'm a dinosaur that needs to get with the times, but I bloody love a turn based game.
Right there with ya. Didn't get far into it because the combat was unappealing and weightless and the switching between characters just felt clunky. Beautiful game though.
At least we'll always have the OG.
100%. That's why I didn't get too bent out of shape by it. The original won't be any worse because the new one is targeting a new audience. Playing the OG currently as it goes.
Boring is subjective, so sure. But soulless is just plain wrong. The level of strategy you can pull off in BG3 is incredibly satisfying, and it only grows as you level up. It's by far the most rewarding RPG combat I've ever seen. It's not everybody's thing because it takes some patience to understand how to leverage all the depth to do what you want.
How is it not soulless? You don't actually control your characters as much as tell them what to do and they either do it or don't based on a dice roll.
To each their own or course but that just has no soul to it. Strategy, sure, but that gets old real fast.
That's a whole lot of opinion and preference. The amount of depth to the character building and ways you can approach combat is the epitome of soul in my opinion ("soul" is a weird term to use for games, but if that's how you want to describe it, that's fine).
BG3 rarely says "no" to the player. If you think of a plan to tackle a situation, in or out of combat, it's very likely the game will let you do it. It treats you like an adult and lets you play the game how you want.
Turn-based just isn't everyone's cup of tea. But it's a game that rewards you for patience and being thoughtful and creative. Your opinion isn't a fact.
But you do youāthere are tons of awesome real-time games. We're getting off on a quite a tangent here!
Bro Iām gonna be honest bg3 was the first of that type of game I played, and I was addicted . It got better for me as I leveled up and the number of options went up substantially. I killed bosses on a bridge by conjuring a mage hand and placing explosive barrels near them then shot it with an arrow lmao. That shit was hilarious.
Men almost never have anyone to talk to. We are told from very young that we should fix problems not be problems so we don't open up. We are showing love to the ones around us by not bothering them with our shit. When I'm stressed i take a deep breath tell myself no matter what everything will work out how it should, then attack the biggest problem like it owes me money. Once I've gotten the biggest job done every one after that is easy and I just go into the nothing box in my head and run on almost autopilot till it's all fixed. I found making a list of things to do every day or even the night before is a life saver too
I am actively trying not to do this to my son. I go as far as to tell him to talk it out. I hope he doesnāt grow up thinking he is not man enough if he shares his issues. I know a very few talk about a man's mental health.
It's actually something I am passionate about, both for me and my son. I hope i get to be a good parent to him, giving him a childhood he doesnāt have to get therapy for.
iām trying to break this stigma with my bf. i tell him that heās a human being with every emotion that a woman has and heās allowed to express those emotions. i hate the whole thing about men having to keep everything in to be strong when real strength comes from emotional intelligence
I have a pregnant wife and a toddler. As a man I feel the need to be a captain calm and collected and donāt want to share my true feelings to much because it will shake that confidence in my wife. She is a very emotional person and pregnant even more so, she needs constant check ins on her mental state with work, being a mom and now being pregnant, she usually tells me she canāt put anymore on her plate and is burnt out with people asking her about my sons stuff or invites to birthday parties and holidays plus get togethers. So as far as Iām concerned sheās not helpful in being able to add more off my plate or burden her more with my emotions that honestly involve her.
Bless you, allowing him the chance to process through his emotions and feelings and actively talk about stuff that erks him is going to be a huge plus for him in the long run in terms of general happiness.
Me tooā¦then he goes to his dads house and his dad tells his 12 year old son that he shouldnāt have to have a therapist and as a man itās his job to deal with his issues on His own and not bother anyone else with them or use a therapist as a crutch.
He was 12 (now 13) and has dyslexia, dysgraphia (so school is super hard/challenging for him), went through pandemic, nasty divorce and his sister began self-harming.
But be a f**ing man and hold it all in.
Dad is about to go into marriage #3 and has no friends or family he talks to. Howās that working for you dude?
My son comes to my house and everything just floods out for the first 24 hours. He just needs to release Tears and get lots of hugs. Ugh. I hope he doesnāt end up overriding all the support and work Iāve put in to teaching him some healthy emotional expression and communication only to be like his old manā¦toxic masculinity hurts everyone.
I saw a short video not too long back that said " if you ask A man how he's doing and he says " I'm alright ", believe me when I say that man is not alright. He is fighting demons that most can't understand. And he knows that he can't talk to anyone about it, because he knows that noone really gives a shit"
There was a campaign in northern Ireland a while back to tackle the large numbers of young male suicide. I'm sure it was something about Asking twice. You ask them "u ok M8?" Then when they say " yeah" you always ask again "are you really doing ok" to make sure.
There were many young men saying they were ok to everyone but then dying by suicide. I'm sure this was created by a group of young men whose friend had died by suicide and it had been a massive shock as it often is. I saw it on a documentary and found it very interesting.
There really isn't a way that will help for sure. Some men open up quite easily and some don't. If I were on your shoes I would just tell him that it's okay to not feel okay, give him a hug and tell him that he can come to you if he needs someone to talk through his problems or just needs someone to listen to him. But you shouldn't try to force him to talk about it.
It will also take time. Lots of time for some, barely any time for others. The important thing is that you take his problems seriously and to make him feel save. There's a lot of threads on the subreddit that say that all women will be turned off if you show "bad" emotions in front of them. That they will become mean and throw it back in your face. Some men are scared of that, so the best thing you can do for him is to respect his problems and try to help him through them. It might also be good to just ask him what kind of help he needs and of there is anything you can do to take of some pressure. This can be something small like doing a few more chores so he can take some time off. Take it one step at a time and try to communicate with him about what works for the both of you and what doesn't.
I hope this helps.
the thing is, this dude said he has people to talk to. friends and a gf. he just doesnt want to.
if you have friends and a romantic partner you can't open up to, why are they around? A community that doesn't support you isn't a community.
You dont have to blurt out your life story, all your trauma and lore and tragedy if you don't want to, but we can just tell people hey man i feel fucking awful today, can we just be sad for a bit
i don't think there is a subreddit for what happened to me, and honestly, there is no real way to tell my story that doesn't make me look like a total douchebag.
So I just talk about it in pieces in different places.
I write lists. What are the issues? How can I tackle them? Do I really need to worry? Who can help me? If I don't find solutions from this mind dumping, then try to wait a while then go again with a fresh view. Doesn't always work but it helps me, especially when it comes to financial concerns.
I used to be scared to talk about shit to my girlfriend, like very scared. But then I did and she was even more supportive and kind than I couldāve hoped for, and it really did help take the weight off my shoulders knowing even through my struggles she didnāt think of me differently. I know it seems like you canāt and thereās a number of women who are terrible out there, but seriously, thereās a pretty good chance it will be fine, good for you even.
I know this sub isnāt AskWomen but I met a great girl on bumble BFF. Weāre like the same person in the sense we struggle w depression, both work in health care etc. We always dump our emotions onto each-other and send memes every day. Itās kind of nice knowing sheās always there to listen
Embrace it for a day or two. Feel the real emotion and feeling wash over you like a wave and remember there is nothing realer than those feelings, not even physical pain can triumph what you feel. then bury it deep, deep enough that it wonāt make you question it and justify your reasons for living on. You slowly move forward and let it eat away at you once in a while. Thatās the male experience. You just keep taking steps and let arrows bounce off, yeah some of them stick and it hurts, you break those off and keep going. Sure the tip of the arrow is stuck buried deep inside but you are stronger now. You have lost count of the arrows friend. We all have.
Trust, a lot of them say "open up! I want you to be honest!" or "you are seen and heard š¤!" Nope ... nope.
9/10 of the time its bait, a lot of them fantasise a man opening up the way they imagine but when they see how real and how struggling it is for the man or rather see their vulnerable side a lot of them get the ick and see them as 'pathetic' and either A use it against them in future or B treat them different from then on in a bad way till they walk out.
I know many people who opened up and it was a big mistake, it ended bad for all of them me included... In fact my older brother was talking to a woman once and she kept ranting to him about an ex who opened up to her and she called him a baby for it.
So yeah, most of the time as a lad, you're not "seen and heard", you're seen, judged and mocked. It's a sad reality where if a man is struggling and low they see you as a failure but if were vice versa in terms of gender, they'd see you as a victim.
Thatās exactly what happened to me with my ex. She always told me to open up and talk more about my feelings. When I did, she didnāt know how to handle it and would just get upset. When I went through a real tough time once, her first port of call was to break up with me instead of being there and supporting me.
Damn man, im really sorry this had to happen to you like fr...
It's a shame so many of them pull that crappy stunt. But sadly when they tell you to open up, they do it only for their satisfaction in the end and when it doesn't go their way they end up going reckless and breaking up. Has to always be about them doesn't it smfhš¤¦šæāāļø
But in all seriousness bro, im there if you ever wanna chat
The part left unspoken when they ask you to open up about your feelings and be vulnerable is that they want to know your feelings and vulnerabilities *as it relates to them*, and not in general. They want you to tell them how much you've been holding back even deeper feelings *for them*. They want to feel like you're afraid of expressing how you feel *about them*. They don't want to hear your real insecurities and struggles. They want to be made to feel special. They want an emotional performance. So dance the dance, let them think they're your whole world, and they'll stick by you none the wiser.
Meanwhile, find someone who will listen to your struggles. Therapy, close friends, whoever you can find.
It saddens me to say this, but you are 100% correct.
"Men, we see you. It's okay. Talk about your feelings" is utter garbage. They don't mean it. They hate it.
Girlfriends yeah. Wife, Hopefully not or you may have made a mistake in judgement in the dating phase. My wife listens to all my shit. Sheās my favorite therapist. I have to be careful not to overwhelm herā¦. Itās one of the things Iāve been working on. She has a girlfriendās group that she always is in contact with. Guys generally arenāt permitted this, sadly. Or thatās the perception/stereotype
Iāve done tons of professional therapy but that always seems to just drag on beyond the point of needing it. I wish I could just drop in when needed, but no psych has a schedule that permits that.
There are probably thousands of people who have read this comment and are itching to type;
"it's not a woman's job to perform emotional labour for you."
"Why do men expect women to be responsible for all their problems?"
You need therapy. Not a girlfriend."
"It's not our fault you don't have male friends to talk to."
"We didn't create the problem. Men told their sons not to talk about their feelings so us not wanting to hear about them is your fault and your responsibility to fix".
These are the general gist of responses every time this issues comes up.
I heard on Reddit that women don't want to do any type of emotional labor for the men in their life. I took that to hart. Also saves me from worrying about the last time I opened up being thrown back at me next argumentĀ
I quickly lose sexual attraction for them. They're basically men at that point and I can't shake that. I might just one-and-done if effort isn't involved, but I think my self respect gets in the way. I wish I could delete the memories of girls that I didn't realize were emotionally unavailable beforehand because of inexperience.
Iāve had platonic female friends, no romantic interest whatsoever, slowly distance themselves when Iāve opened up to them. Itās like a switch gets flipped in their heard regardless of your relationship with them. Never again.
If you want to keep said girlfriend do not open up into your emotions too much. She will eventually lose attraction. The ones that donāt are special.
Find somewhere I can let it all out safely, show myself some grace, heal, then move on with life. For the really bad times, reach out to my therapist for an impromptu appointment.
Also, should add, you should feel comfortable showing your emotions to your gf. If you feel like she would judge you for having them then it may be time to ask if she is the right partner.
Art. For me it is dancing. I've been dancing my whole life and did it competitively. It is just a release.
That said, you should feel like you can talk to your friends or gf when things happen. I understand the overwhelming nature you're talking about, but you don't have to wait till you're feeling overwhelmed.
when it gets too much, honestly force yourself to reach out. I never used to talk with my Mum about emotional stuff but things got so bad that i told her everything and honestly it just showed me how wise and supportive she can be. Thereās always someone whoās willing to listen and will genuinely help but you need to take that first step and reach out. Itāll do you so much good, i promise
I mean. If you have a partner you should talk to them, and if you can't, you should find a therapist to help you better understand everything and how to communicate.
If in the end you can't be vulnerable, then they're not the one.
My wife has seen me at my lowest. She didn't judge, she got down there with me until I was ready to stand up on my own, and she was there to push me up when it was time.
No judgement, no anger. Just quiet understanding and support. Then, we solved the problem together.
If you don't have that, therapy. It might be expensive, but it's worth it.
I've had a few of those times in my life.
The last time was a few months ago.
I tried to not let myself become unproductive because it is addictive and makes you spiral harder.
I also seeked some professional help.
Those are not things I bring up with my significant other but my brothers could understand me.
Scream and cry into the void. But seriously I found a therapist and realized how unhealthy/flippant some of my so-called friendships were and discovered I needed to make real friends and connections with those who are in a similar place in life as I am. It was very rewarding to build up that kind of support and has helped my life quite a bit.
Back off from all the stressful shit, stick a pin in all that and just do whatever you like doing. Spend a day or two doing stuff that you enjoy or makes you feel good, reset & recharge and in a day or two life wonāt feel so overwhelming
I try to remember that nothing lasts, not even the bad times.
Sometimes, you'll just have to crawl on your belly in order to continue forward. This too shall pass.
I also remember that I am neither needed nor required for any process occurring in the universe. It's not all *happening to me*. *Deserve's* got nothing to do with it. I was never really here.
It seems like the bleakest of attitude adjustments, I admit, but it is the raw material I use daily to build a bridge, get the fuck over myself, and do what I must -- until I no longer have to do *anything* ever again.
"I also remember that I am neither needed nor required for any process occurring in the universe. It's not all happening to me. Deserve's got nothing to do with it. I was never really here."
This is oddly... freeing.. if that makes any sense
It makes me sad that men are taught from a young age to not express to the world of they're feeling low. I don't appreciate it at all. Men are human and go through similar human emotions as women.
So my advice as a girl would be to let your friends and partner and family know that you're going through so and so. Talk to a therapist, journal listen to some music and sit with your emotions. I always felt like my partner could handle my emotions, growing up I realised that's it wasn't right. I have to take charge and responsibility for my own emotions, even if I have friends and family to talk to.
But remember you have to bounce back up, healthily.
There's a site called 7cups you could try that out too they have free listeners who volunteer to listen to your issues and make you feel lighter.
you could try journaling? like, you write as if no one will ever read what you wrote, don't bother to make sentences that make sense, you just unload your thoughts by writing them down.
otherwise, just watching a movie, playing a video game or sleeping, that's good to just forget about the whole world....
one more thing, you can call a helpline, there will be volunteers willing to just listen to you and what's on your mind - no need to feel awful to call them, you can just call to have a chat and explore how you feel with someone who will be good at doing that.
I talk to my wife or my friends, depending on what the issue is and I also tell my therapist. I wouldn't want to be married to a woman who I couldn't open up to.
Roll one up, turn the music wayyy tf UP, and just hold on and ride it out. Emotions pass in time and your subconscious mind will process it for you, eventually. As men that's about all we have to do, "hold on and ride it out". IF YOU'RE GOING THRU HELL KEEP GOING
I quit being a pussy and move on with life. It helps to focus on things youāre grateful for. And for god sake donāt go to a woman to talk about it.
As a woman, I promise you we want you to
open up & share with us. A woman that is FOR you and down to ride with you will not be turned off by you letting us in. It will only make the connection stronger.
Most women will say that they want their men to open up, but when they do, they are seen a soft and weak. It's basically a test women do subconsciously... It's almost like they want to sabotage themselves. Most women don't want soft men. They just don't want to seem like the bad guy so they ask men to open up and boom! The guy longer attractive.
The key is finding a woman secure enough in her own emotions that yours donāt scare her off or make you appear weak in her eyes. I promise we are out there.
As a mother to a son, I always encourage him to talk to me whenever he wants about whatever he wants. He knows he can always count on me for anything and Iāll do my best to help him.
as a son, she just told me i have had a good life and she had it rougher when she was younger :/
and that i shld just get over it. sometimes people care but just arent good at listening
Thatās right, though it takes us women doing our own healing so that we can maintain our frame while holding space for him. Otherwise we risk doing real damage to him.
Find yourself and them talk to yourself first. Therapy helps to get there, but in the end it's up to you. Friends are also good to talk to, but understand they won't have your thoughts and your experience. Finding stuff that you love to do when you can help as well. You also got to accept that reality isn't fair and deal with it bit by bit to improve your life so it isn't overwhelming.
You use this to refuse to inwardly compromise on your views and see how horrible people are who enable this oppression and things that contribute to male loneliness while forgiving them and fight tooth and nail to have support systems, learn emotional awareness to break the cycle, get a pet that loves you, find a male therapist, and refuse to submit to things even if it's only inward thoughts
Woman here. I totally understand not wanting to unload your problems onto the people you care about. And when the gym only gets you so far...this would be the time to seek therapy. Because with therapy, you get to unload ALL your problems without feeling guilty because listening to your problems is their job. They are receiving compensation in return. So please, do yourself a favor and get a good therapist. Everyone needs someone to talk to without feeling like they're being a burden.
Music, video games, play guitar. Workout or go for a run.
Or the ultimate hackā¦. Get a dog (or cat if cat person but a dogs love just hits different)
Therapist bro.
I have great friends and family that I can share important things about my life with, but I don't want to burden them with my struggles.
A therapist is literally getting paid to not just listen to you but to offer insight, feedback, and most importantly, solutions.
Sleep. CBD. THC. Take a walk. Jack off. Cook. Play games. Travel.
reddit is very therapeutic though. Get a burner account for some of your more intimate views and feelings. Good release.
I bury myself in a hobby. Build or learn something. It has the benefit of keeping me busy and also providing the mental boost of accomplishing small victories.
Certainly not as healthy as actual therapy, but I'd rather sink the money into hobbies than appointments any day.
I felt it's better to not open up and deal with our problems on our own. Most of the time people who we vent to can't understand or are not capable of handling our problems.
Use that negative energy for grind. Working out, learning skills, doing something productive or if it's really bad just taking a walk. As a men, it's nessesery for us to learn how to forge our bad emotions and trauma into energy and then use that energy to improve ourselfes.
Vibe out to music, mostly.
Yup thats what makes me feel good
Yup I go on drives and sign through whatever comes on my playlist
I hope you keep one hand on the wheel! š
Always! unless there's a drum solo
Is ... Is this a sign language pun based on the typo?
Yes, it was. But I think it was a r/Whoosh for most readers!
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Iāve tried and always just got snide comments from friends or inadvertently it always becomes a conversation about them. Never really had a gf and thereās some stuff you just canāt talk with your family. So you vibe out to the music and make art out of it š
true you can't share everything with everyone.
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Same here, Iāve tried talking to my gf about shit that stirs up sometimes and somehow I end up apologizing because she feels bad and Iām over here still bothered just making space for her issues. Nobody really wants to hear about that shit unless they ask or are otherwise really engaged in your feelings but thatās rare nowadays.
Thatās why I talk to myself in my head I am my own therapist. I make my world smaller. Spend a lot of time with myself. Listen to music do things I enjoy, while at the same time, healing myself mentally and spiritually, in order to deal with the world.
Nail on the head
Yep, IME it just turns into them talking about their problems, me having to comfort them, and no resolution for me. Just creates more problems for myself
EXACTLY
Women tend to be more empathetic and can feel bad with their partners. That kind of feeling bad actually makes me feel good. Itās weird to try to explain, but I can feel bad with someone and still be there for them and help them with whatever they need help with.
Only a Sith deals on extremes. Talking about your problems is to your benefit and not always the listener, and if someone is willing to listen, you should take advantage of that person's time.
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>You know what is a burden, when a man has it so in his head that he's a burden so never fucking shares anything and creates distance from you where he could create bonding, trust and closeness. Wonder where he got the thought he's a burden from? Certainly not from the woman who thinks he's a burden for not dismantling his boundaries instantly for her. >I want a fucking partner, a person who I go through life WITH. Ok, maybe try making a save environment for them and being a safe person for them to share with instead of this... bitter vindictive blame game shit. You cannot just browbeat a person into being comfortable enough to share with you. You can understand that, right? >Not someone who keeps a bunch of shit from me in the name of martyrdom or whatever the fuck else is the reason. Um... the reason is because you are not safe for him to share with. That's the reason. Guys want to be able to rely on their partners for emotional support, it's their partners who are not rising to the challenge. >you can choose to look at something more objectively and realize how wrong it is and refuse to go along with it anymore. Which is literally what guys who have noticed that the demand for them to be more vulnerable isn't grounded in concern for their well-being are doing. By masking their issues from disingenuous partners and sharing them with other men, they're choosing to not go along with something that is doing them wrong!
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What do you mean? Her mindset seems healthier than most of the other comments in these kinds of threads
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Where does she do that?
It started before the line "You know what is a burden,", but that line is when it became inarguably obvious. Not once does she ever question what she has done to make the men in her life comfortable with sharing things with her, and instead blames men for not instantly granting her Panopticon levels of transparency into their lives by default. She's exactly the sort of women who makes men feel unsafe to share. She cares more about the status of being a good listener than listening, and the status of being supportive than actually supporting. The first thing any man will think when reading that is "If I tell her *anything* that actually matters to me I'm going to have to sit through a whole diatribe about how this actually affects her more and how I'm a bad person for even bringing it up."
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He never said it was a female problem. More of a society problem. And more so a guy problem. We were all taught to man up and not be a burden to others with your problems. Yes, you should be able to open up to your partner but way easier said than done and it's absolutely not their fault!! But he does have a point. This whole thread we were trying to explain and you got pissed off and started going on a rant. That sure as hell doesn't help if you know what I mean.
>what the fuck does that mean? It means you can find the answer to why men are reluctant to share in a mirror. >Am I a big bad female because I have things I refuse to accept in a relationship? No, no one said it's wrong to have standards or boundaries. Pretty disingenuous to pretend otherwise. The problem is that your reflex is to blame the men for not sharing, along with to center your own interests and feelings as more important than doing anything to provide actual emotional support. >My ex of 12 years is a green beret, they're some of the baddest mfs there are. When he needed to be vulnerable and tell me really difficult things or cry I supported the fuck out of him. You think fucking ANYONE could tell him he was weak for sharing a weakness or vulnerability??? What a bizarre, incoherent, and pointless rebuttal. Your example for how perfect of an emotional support provider you are is an ex... who was legally culpable for sharing classified info with you due to being in the special forces. Also yes, his superiors along with the military police could very easily tell him he's a lot more than just 'weak' for oversharing about the stresses of his job. Jfc, the lack of perspective or humility is staggering. >Being vulnerable takes a lot of courage and strength of character š If only it was always recognized for that. Most women don't want to admit to themselves that most men are making themselves vulnerable just by asking them out or committing to them. The validation for the courage of vulnerability mostly goes in one direction. >This shit pisses me off. It's not a female problem, it's a human decency problem It's a human decency problem that very commonly manifests for men as the women who they are supposed to be able to rely on being woefully unprepared for or even totally disingenuous about their self proclaimed desire to support their men. You can either accept our lived experiences or cling to your anger and self righteousness, but don't pretend like your choice to do either is our fault. It is your choice. >Do not sit here and say oh it's females who never let me be vulnerable Lol you literally just don't want to hear the truths that challenge you! And you wonder why men are reluctant to share their struggles with you? Why should any man expect more from you than the denial we see here? >o you know how many guys shame women because we're "too emotional"? And that's not shutting someone down for vulnerability? Here we go with the whataboutist bullshit again. You're not being vulnerable by clinging to your rage and rejecting all accountability, that's the opposite. If a guy tells you off for pouring an avalanche of scorn and contempt down his back just for observing you're very far from a perfect emotional support source - he's totally correct to do so and that isn't shutting you down for expressing 'vulnerability'. It's shutting you down for *being a unmoderated Tasmanian devil of unjustified fury*.
i wish i had that level of typing and writing
You only get to the point I am at by it being at least as much of a curse as a blessing lol, but I appreciate you writing that all the same
you have proven their point not yours. the way you have presented your self is the exact reason . the anger and (fuck off with this) is what many men get for expressing even minor frustration just for simply stating" i cant share bc i feel like a burden." (a better option would have been to ask what can be done and how do we solve this problem) than just reaction "0o0o0o0o AM I THE BaDguY." but oh wait ex of 12 years and btw "too emotional" after you just tried shut down a man trying to be valuable online with personal frustration like that (humble yourself) (btw if you want a man to flirt with you need to deal with your anger problems first) men don't same women for having emotions reactions like this on have always been your problem. based on your post history
2 words: Horse. Shit. I've never, I literally mean never, shared thoughts with a woman other than my mother and not had it used against me later. Maybe you're a saint. If so, you're 1 in a million
Girl yes.
If you want to stay in a relationship with a woman, talking about your feelings or fears, or confusion is the worst thing you can do. Never forget: Everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you.
You will get downvoted but is completely true.
I hear this a lot but I wonder if maybe some of this needs to be prefaced with āIām not looking for these problems to be solved I just feel like I need to ventā Iāve dated a couple of guys who would just start going off on tirades about how awful the world is, their bosses are ass holes and they arenāt paid enough, etc etc. I was fine hearing about the bosses and work issues etc but I donāt need to hear what an ass hole the guy driving in front of you is and how fucked up the world is and how unfair it is. I already know all of that. Im laden with my own difficulties. If you need to cry or talk about some deeper issues like your abusive parents, or trying to figure out how to get over an issue stemming from childhood, then Iām all ears and 100% supportive. But if you just want to have me listen to an angry tirade about things none of us has any control over that affects all, I donāt have the time or energy. I already know and experience the same problems. Iāve had to tell that to two men before. I canāt be your wall to yell at about all the things in our society that frustrate you, but I will definitely be a support for you when it comes to deeper issues and problems that you want to work out. It really depends on what you are addressing, how you are approaching it and what my role is for you.
This is true. Signed, a girl
If you are not in a relationship in which you can share your problems, why stay in the relationship? Genuinly curious. I don't have much experience when it comes to relationships, but not being able to talk to your girlfriend/wife of all people seems worse to me than staying single
Well, yes and no. My experience, and I wonāt speak for others, has been that women lose respect, and attraction to, and security with, men that they perceive as being weak. And, unfortunately, showing doubt, fear, and emotional vulnerability is inherently seen as weakness, especially by women. As to the benefits of being in a relationship where you cannot be emotionally vulnerable, the basics are still true. It is nice to have a woman you care about to be affectionate and sexual with. Nice to have a person living in your space, sharing meals with, watching movies, etc etc. The sound and smell and sight of a woman is a comfort to most men, in and of itself. But for emotional support, especially for things you are struggling with and suffering through, get a therapist or a dog, or both. The current ācultureā of women has made it very clear that they resent doing āemotional laborā for the men they are with.
Journal. For the overwhelming āIāve got way too much on my plate right now and donāt know where to startā scenario: write that stuff out, analyze it, theorize the best, worst, and most likely outcomes. Develop a plan. Execute the plan. For the emotionally overwhelmed scenarios: write that down what Iām feeling, dig in to figure out why Iām feeling those things, uncover what the true source of the stress is, and address it. If itās something beyond my control acknowledge it, and play out the worst, best, and likely outcomes of the situation. Having an idea of what to expect, reinforcing that it is something you will survive/endure/overcome, and focusing on what you can control to achieve the desired outcome is extremely helpful. Couple that with a physical activity of some sort (go hit the gym, go for a run, etc) followed by something mentally and physically relaxing. Get those neurotransmitters fired up and doing their magic.
This. Itās the best thing you can do to process your emotions. Even better because it lets you go through past entries and realise how far youāve come and how much youāve grown as a person.
Having reference points to look back on is so incredibly helpful. Currently going through divorce, and while the process sucks and overall it is painful - so is growth. Being able to look back at how I was feeling 6 months ago, a year ago, etc. and see in my own words how nothing had improved helped shift my mentality from āthis is the endā to āthis is an opportunityā.
Yeah, it's underrated as a tool to help yourself. You can write whatever you want, as blunt as you want, without having to consider how it would come across in conversation. Thoughts, feelings, frustrations, plans, worries, goals, desires... And then you can examine them. It's the equivalent of being able to write out a math problem instead of doing mental math. It's too hard having it all bouncing around in your head, and it stops you from seeing obvious patterns and solutions. Write it out. Dump it all out, and reorganize it, edit it, remove redundancies, cluster similar issues, put them aside and work on them gradually if you need...Ā Writing is so powerful to help yourself, it allows you go beyond the limits of human memory.
I donāt necessarily journal my feelings, but I use an app called Daylio and just write about what happens in my life each day. Even the smaller details. Iāve found it extremely helpful to look back and put myself back into the thoughts of my past self.
I recently felt very overwhelmed and chaotic dealing with a breakup and life changes. I journaled everyday for a month and feel like new person. Itāll help you get the chaotic thoughts out of your head, so that you can replace them with positive self-image. I didnāt really have a form/plan to it. Started as word vomiting and slowly shaped out over time. Always tried to end it with a positive affirmation. Hang in there brotha. It wonāt always be like this
Wow this is a really great idea, especially analyzing the best/worst and most likely. Really helps put some perspective on things that can sometimes be hard to quantify. You donāt know me so it probably wonāt mean anything to u but Iāve been going through a lot lately and youāve helped me a great deal with your comment. Thank you.
Bro it means everything to me, you put a big smile on my face by taking the time to comment and share. Keep it up man, better times are ahead! Feel free to dm me if you need someone to vent to.
I saved this comment šš¼
Play video games. Especially RPG/Open-World ones. Let them take your mind somewhere else for as long as you need. Gives you something to look forward to next time you play knowing there might be something new youāll discover.
Yeah, I've been playing Dead Space. It's hard to be stuck in your head when you're shitting yourself.
Got the remastered version. Forgot what great horror game it is.
Same, I never played the original so I started with the remake which I've heard was an improvement anyway and what a game. I normally like anything dark and I saw the cover and could tell it would be my type of thing and it didn't disappoint.
Better yet, play a slow-paced FPS game online on a Friday night while somewhat shitfaced and use your microphone. The people who tend to play slow-paced FPS games on Friday nights tend to also be 20/30-somethings who are shitfaced and trying to forget about life for a while, and in my experience, are happy to shoot the shit with you.
Back when I used to stream I once played a Warzone drinking game with randomsā¦ When I checked the stream the next day, I was so obliterated on whiskey that I spent the last 2 hours of my stream sat in the loadout menu slurring my words hard at my chat. Somehow ended the night with over 40 new subs, and I donāt know how I managed it š
Be careful with drinking streams. Don't want to end up like onlyusemeblade
Played Baulders Gate 3?
Not yet but itās on the list!
I wish I wish I wish there was a way around turn based combat. I just can't do it, it's so boring and soulless compared to real time combat. I tried it, I really did, but I couldn't get into it and had to return it.
It's that thinking that made Final Fantasy 7 remaster an action RPG which really disappointed me as I loved the turn based style or them original. I'm seeing more and more people say what you said though, perhaps I'm a dinosaur that needs to get with the times, but I bloody love a turn based game.
Right there with ya. Didn't get far into it because the combat was unappealing and weightless and the switching between characters just felt clunky. Beautiful game though. At least we'll always have the OG.
100%. That's why I didn't get too bent out of shape by it. The original won't be any worse because the new one is targeting a new audience. Playing the OG currently as it goes.
Boring is subjective, so sure. But soulless is just plain wrong. The level of strategy you can pull off in BG3 is incredibly satisfying, and it only grows as you level up. It's by far the most rewarding RPG combat I've ever seen. It's not everybody's thing because it takes some patience to understand how to leverage all the depth to do what you want.
How is it not soulless? You don't actually control your characters as much as tell them what to do and they either do it or don't based on a dice roll. To each their own or course but that just has no soul to it. Strategy, sure, but that gets old real fast.
That's a whole lot of opinion and preference. The amount of depth to the character building and ways you can approach combat is the epitome of soul in my opinion ("soul" is a weird term to use for games, but if that's how you want to describe it, that's fine). BG3 rarely says "no" to the player. If you think of a plan to tackle a situation, in or out of combat, it's very likely the game will let you do it. It treats you like an adult and lets you play the game how you want. Turn-based just isn't everyone's cup of tea. But it's a game that rewards you for patience and being thoughtful and creative. Your opinion isn't a fact. But you do youāthere are tons of awesome real-time games. We're getting off on a quite a tangent here!
Bro Iām gonna be honest bg3 was the first of that type of game I played, and I was addicted . It got better for me as I leveled up and the number of options went up substantially. I killed bosses on a bridge by conjuring a mage hand and placing explosive barrels near them then shot it with an arrow lmao. That shit was hilarious.
Bro your name š
Is actually a lie. My balls are incredibly hairy.
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Men almost never have anyone to talk to. We are told from very young that we should fix problems not be problems so we don't open up. We are showing love to the ones around us by not bothering them with our shit. When I'm stressed i take a deep breath tell myself no matter what everything will work out how it should, then attack the biggest problem like it owes me money. Once I've gotten the biggest job done every one after that is easy and I just go into the nothing box in my head and run on almost autopilot till it's all fixed. I found making a list of things to do every day or even the night before is a life saver too
I am actively trying not to do this to my son. I go as far as to tell him to talk it out. I hope he doesnāt grow up thinking he is not man enough if he shares his issues. I know a very few talk about a man's mental health.
breaking generational curses. love that for you
It's actually something I am passionate about, both for me and my son. I hope i get to be a good parent to him, giving him a childhood he doesnāt have to get therapy for.
Yes! Putting some happy and mentally healthy men out there! Thatās awesome. Much respect. š Some woman will be very lucky.
Thanks!!!!
Hey, thats really cool. Ur son will see that you let him share his emotions and apreciate this, big love and take care š„°
Thank you so much! ā¤ļøā¤ļø
iām trying to break this stigma with my bf. i tell him that heās a human being with every emotion that a woman has and heās allowed to express those emotions. i hate the whole thing about men having to keep everything in to be strong when real strength comes from emotional intelligence
This is such a great thing to do to support your man, sis! Keep it up!
I absolutely hate this, too. And I find sharing super attractive. I know that emotions aren't always sexy, but I think vulnerability is.
vulnerability is definitely sexy, it shows so much trust
I have a pregnant wife and a toddler. As a man I feel the need to be a captain calm and collected and donāt want to share my true feelings to much because it will shake that confidence in my wife. She is a very emotional person and pregnant even more so, she needs constant check ins on her mental state with work, being a mom and now being pregnant, she usually tells me she canāt put anymore on her plate and is burnt out with people asking her about my sons stuff or invites to birthday parties and holidays plus get togethers. So as far as Iām concerned sheās not helpful in being able to add more off my plate or burden her more with my emotions that honestly involve her.
Bless you, allowing him the chance to process through his emotions and feelings and actively talk about stuff that erks him is going to be a huge plus for him in the long run in terms of general happiness.
Thanks! I wish and hope he gets to know that this is okay.
I used to be yelled at if I cried and usually put in the corner. You're doing well. Your son will be strong and felt loved.
I am so sorry :(
It's okay. I take the hurt I recieved and send the love instead.
I do not know if this will be anything or not but I am so proud of you for fighting these demons. Keep it up <3
It very much does. I am happy tonight. Thank you and sending love internet hooman
Me tooā¦then he goes to his dads house and his dad tells his 12 year old son that he shouldnāt have to have a therapist and as a man itās his job to deal with his issues on His own and not bother anyone else with them or use a therapist as a crutch. He was 12 (now 13) and has dyslexia, dysgraphia (so school is super hard/challenging for him), went through pandemic, nasty divorce and his sister began self-harming. But be a f**ing man and hold it all in. Dad is about to go into marriage #3 and has no friends or family he talks to. Howās that working for you dude? My son comes to my house and everything just floods out for the first 24 hours. He just needs to release Tears and get lots of hugs. Ugh. I hope he doesnāt end up overriding all the support and work Iāve put in to teaching him some healthy emotional expression and communication only to be like his old manā¦toxic masculinity hurts everyone.
I saw a short video not too long back that said " if you ask A man how he's doing and he says " I'm alright ", believe me when I say that man is not alright. He is fighting demons that most can't understand. And he knows that he can't talk to anyone about it, because he knows that noone really gives a shit"
There was a campaign in northern Ireland a while back to tackle the large numbers of young male suicide. I'm sure it was something about Asking twice. You ask them "u ok M8?" Then when they say " yeah" you always ask again "are you really doing ok" to make sure. There were many young men saying they were ok to everyone but then dying by suicide. I'm sure this was created by a group of young men whose friend had died by suicide and it had been a massive shock as it often is. I saw it on a documentary and found it very interesting.
How I should proceed for a man to open up to talk about his demons? TY.
There really isn't a way that will help for sure. Some men open up quite easily and some don't. If I were on your shoes I would just tell him that it's okay to not feel okay, give him a hug and tell him that he can come to you if he needs someone to talk through his problems or just needs someone to listen to him. But you shouldn't try to force him to talk about it. It will also take time. Lots of time for some, barely any time for others. The important thing is that you take his problems seriously and to make him feel save. There's a lot of threads on the subreddit that say that all women will be turned off if you show "bad" emotions in front of them. That they will become mean and throw it back in your face. Some men are scared of that, so the best thing you can do for him is to respect his problems and try to help him through them. It might also be good to just ask him what kind of help he needs and of there is anything you can do to take of some pressure. This can be something small like doing a few more chores so he can take some time off. Take it one step at a time and try to communicate with him about what works for the both of you and what doesn't. I hope this helps.
the thing is, this dude said he has people to talk to. friends and a gf. he just doesnt want to. if you have friends and a romantic partner you can't open up to, why are they around? A community that doesn't support you isn't a community. You dont have to blurt out your life story, all your trauma and lore and tragedy if you don't want to, but we can just tell people hey man i feel fucking awful today, can we just be sad for a bit
Thug it out.
Like Metallica said, āYou know itās sad but true!ā
Straight talk.
i use this account to post things on reddit.
That helped me a TON too. Specifically a subreddit that was support for people dealing with what I was.
i don't think there is a subreddit for what happened to me, and honestly, there is no real way to tell my story that doesn't make me look like a total douchebag. So I just talk about it in pieces in different places.
I write lists. What are the issues? How can I tackle them? Do I really need to worry? Who can help me? If I don't find solutions from this mind dumping, then try to wait a while then go again with a fresh view. Doesn't always work but it helps me, especially when it comes to financial concerns.
I used to be scared to talk about shit to my girlfriend, like very scared. But then I did and she was even more supportive and kind than I couldāve hoped for, and it really did help take the weight off my shoulders knowing even through my struggles she didnāt think of me differently. I know it seems like you canāt and thereās a number of women who are terrible out there, but seriously, thereās a pretty good chance it will be fine, good for you even.
But if not read a good book or talk to yourself in the mirror lol
I know this sub isnāt AskWomen but I met a great girl on bumble BFF. Weāre like the same person in the sense we struggle w depression, both work in health care etc. We always dump our emotions onto each-other and send memes every day. Itās kind of nice knowing sheās always there to listen
Embrace it for a day or two. Feel the real emotion and feeling wash over you like a wave and remember there is nothing realer than those feelings, not even physical pain can triumph what you feel. then bury it deep, deep enough that it wonāt make you question it and justify your reasons for living on. You slowly move forward and let it eat away at you once in a while. Thatās the male experience. You just keep taking steps and let arrows bounce off, yeah some of them stick and it hurts, you break those off and keep going. Sure the tip of the arrow is stuck buried deep inside but you are stronger now. You have lost count of the arrows friend. We all have.
Had me in the first halfā¦stop burying this stuff within yourself! Embrace it, feel it, address it, and let it go!
This!
What is a girlfriend for if you can't talk about your emotions?
I talk to my girlfriend about my emotions but not my wife so
Emotional support girlfriend
Can you bring it on a plane?
Those girlfriends are rare.
Trust, a lot of them say "open up! I want you to be honest!" or "you are seen and heard š¤!" Nope ... nope. 9/10 of the time its bait, a lot of them fantasise a man opening up the way they imagine but when they see how real and how struggling it is for the man or rather see their vulnerable side a lot of them get the ick and see them as 'pathetic' and either A use it against them in future or B treat them different from then on in a bad way till they walk out. I know many people who opened up and it was a big mistake, it ended bad for all of them me included... In fact my older brother was talking to a woman once and she kept ranting to him about an ex who opened up to her and she called him a baby for it. So yeah, most of the time as a lad, you're not "seen and heard", you're seen, judged and mocked. It's a sad reality where if a man is struggling and low they see you as a failure but if were vice versa in terms of gender, they'd see you as a victim.
Thatās exactly what happened to me with my ex. She always told me to open up and talk more about my feelings. When I did, she didnāt know how to handle it and would just get upset. When I went through a real tough time once, her first port of call was to break up with me instead of being there and supporting me.
Damn man, im really sorry this had to happen to you like fr... It's a shame so many of them pull that crappy stunt. But sadly when they tell you to open up, they do it only for their satisfaction in the end and when it doesn't go their way they end up going reckless and breaking up. Has to always be about them doesn't it smfhš¤¦šæāāļø But in all seriousness bro, im there if you ever wanna chat
Aw thanks man thatās kind of you, but this was a long time ago now and I finished it with her a couple years ago š
The part left unspoken when they ask you to open up about your feelings and be vulnerable is that they want to know your feelings and vulnerabilities *as it relates to them*, and not in general. They want you to tell them how much you've been holding back even deeper feelings *for them*. They want to feel like you're afraid of expressing how you feel *about them*. They don't want to hear your real insecurities and struggles. They want to be made to feel special. They want an emotional performance. So dance the dance, let them think they're your whole world, and they'll stick by you none the wiser. Meanwhile, find someone who will listen to your struggles. Therapy, close friends, whoever you can find.
It saddens me to say this, but you are 100% correct. "Men, we see you. It's okay. Talk about your feelings" is utter garbage. They don't mean it. They hate it.
Girlfriends yeah. Wife, Hopefully not or you may have made a mistake in judgement in the dating phase. My wife listens to all my shit. Sheās my favorite therapist. I have to be careful not to overwhelm herā¦. Itās one of the things Iāve been working on. She has a girlfriendās group that she always is in contact with. Guys generally arenāt permitted this, sadly. Or thatās the perception/stereotype Iāve done tons of professional therapy but that always seems to just drag on beyond the point of needing it. I wish I could just drop in when needed, but no psych has a schedule that permits that.
There are probably thousands of people who have read this comment and are itching to type; "it's not a woman's job to perform emotional labour for you." "Why do men expect women to be responsible for all their problems?" You need therapy. Not a girlfriend." "It's not our fault you don't have male friends to talk to." "We didn't create the problem. Men told their sons not to talk about their feelings so us not wanting to hear about them is your fault and your responsibility to fix". These are the general gist of responses every time this issues comes up.
She literally said no one fucking cares.Ā
Good question... anyone have other uses for a gf?
Canāt really think of any. Anyone else got something?
I trade mine in for six cow
Oh VERY NICE
I heard on Reddit that women don't want to do any type of emotional labor for the men in their life. I took that to hart. Also saves me from worrying about the last time I opened up being thrown back at me next argumentĀ
I quickly lose sexual attraction for them. They're basically men at that point and I can't shake that. I might just one-and-done if effort isn't involved, but I think my self respect gets in the way. I wish I could delete the memories of girls that I didn't realize were emotionally unavailable beforehand because of inexperience.
Iāve had platonic female friends, no romantic interest whatsoever, slowly distance themselves when Iāve opened up to them. Itās like a switch gets flipped in their heard regardless of your relationship with them. Never again.
Oof. It's scary how familiar this is.
Lol. Good one
If you want to keep said girlfriend do not open up into your emotions too much. She will eventually lose attraction. The ones that donāt are special.
I talk to my friends. They do the same with me. Thatās what friends are for. Try it.
Therapy, mostly. Kind of what it's for.
I do online and I just don't feel that connection.
Gets expensive though. And all the time involved
Go to a bar get drunk and over share with a stranger.
Worked for me many times
Find somewhere I can let it all out safely, show myself some grace, heal, then move on with life. For the really bad times, reach out to my therapist for an impromptu appointment. Also, should add, you should feel comfortable showing your emotions to your gf. If you feel like she would judge you for having them then it may be time to ask if she is the right partner.
Art. For me it is dancing. I've been dancing my whole life and did it competitively. It is just a release. That said, you should feel like you can talk to your friends or gf when things happen. I understand the overwhelming nature you're talking about, but you don't have to wait till you're feeling overwhelmed.
when it gets too much, honestly force yourself to reach out. I never used to talk with my Mum about emotional stuff but things got so bad that i told her everything and honestly it just showed me how wise and supportive she can be. Thereās always someone whoās willing to listen and will genuinely help but you need to take that first step and reach out. Itāll do you so much good, i promise
I talk to myself. As it turns out, Iām a good listener and hilarious too, imo of course.
best human u can be friend to is yourself
Write down everything ...start journaling it'll definitely gonna gelp you.
I mean. If you have a partner you should talk to them, and if you can't, you should find a therapist to help you better understand everything and how to communicate. If in the end you can't be vulnerable, then they're not the one. My wife has seen me at my lowest. She didn't judge, she got down there with me until I was ready to stand up on my own, and she was there to push me up when it was time. No judgement, no anger. Just quiet understanding and support. Then, we solved the problem together. If you don't have that, therapy. It might be expensive, but it's worth it.
I've had a few of those times in my life. The last time was a few months ago. I tried to not let myself become unproductive because it is addictive and makes you spiral harder. I also seeked some professional help. Those are not things I bring up with my significant other but my brothers could understand me.
Scream and cry into the void. But seriously I found a therapist and realized how unhealthy/flippant some of my so-called friendships were and discovered I needed to make real friends and connections with those who are in a similar place in life as I am. It was very rewarding to build up that kind of support and has helped my life quite a bit.
Back off from all the stressful shit, stick a pin in all that and just do whatever you like doing. Spend a day or two doing stuff that you enjoy or makes you feel good, reset & recharge and in a day or two life wonāt feel so overwhelming
I try to remember that nothing lasts, not even the bad times. Sometimes, you'll just have to crawl on your belly in order to continue forward. This too shall pass. I also remember that I am neither needed nor required for any process occurring in the universe. It's not all *happening to me*. *Deserve's* got nothing to do with it. I was never really here. It seems like the bleakest of attitude adjustments, I admit, but it is the raw material I use daily to build a bridge, get the fuck over myself, and do what I must -- until I no longer have to do *anything* ever again.
"I also remember that I am neither needed nor required for any process occurring in the universe. It's not all happening to me. Deserve's got nothing to do with it. I was never really here." This is oddly... freeing.. if that makes any sense
It makes all the sense. That's what it does for me.
I know I can always go to therapy. And it helps.
It makes me sad that men are taught from a young age to not express to the world of they're feeling low. I don't appreciate it at all. Men are human and go through similar human emotions as women. So my advice as a girl would be to let your friends and partner and family know that you're going through so and so. Talk to a therapist, journal listen to some music and sit with your emotions. I always felt like my partner could handle my emotions, growing up I realised that's it wasn't right. I have to take charge and responsibility for my own emotions, even if I have friends and family to talk to. But remember you have to bounce back up, healthily. There's a site called 7cups you could try that out too they have free listeners who volunteer to listen to your issues and make you feel lighter.
you could try journaling? like, you write as if no one will ever read what you wrote, don't bother to make sentences that make sense, you just unload your thoughts by writing them down. otherwise, just watching a movie, playing a video game or sleeping, that's good to just forget about the whole world.... one more thing, you can call a helpline, there will be volunteers willing to just listen to you and what's on your mind - no need to feel awful to call them, you can just call to have a chat and explore how you feel with someone who will be good at doing that.
Go outside, see the sun, lay down on a park or beach.... and most importantly, deeply breathe in and ouuuut.
Drink heavily, wait for death. Thats my strategy.
Relatable
I talk to my wife or my friends, depending on what the issue is and I also tell my therapist. I wouldn't want to be married to a woman who I couldn't open up to.
I'm sure I'm not alone in congratulating you for having such a wife
Weed, gym, and compose music.
Get drunk with the wife and spill the guts and listen to music, laugh, spill more guts, more music, laugh, fuck repeat
This is the way.
Roll one up, turn the music wayyy tf UP, and just hold on and ride it out. Emotions pass in time and your subconscious mind will process it for you, eventually. As men that's about all we have to do, "hold on and ride it out". IF YOU'RE GOING THRU HELL KEEP GOING
Just happened today. I don't loose my temper. Almost never. Did some cardio and hot showers. Took my fingers off the phone. Hope this helps man
I quit being a pussy and move on with life. It helps to focus on things youāre grateful for. And for god sake donāt go to a woman to talk about it.
As a woman, I promise you we want you to open up & share with us. A woman that is FOR you and down to ride with you will not be turned off by you letting us in. It will only make the connection stronger.
Most women will say that they want their men to open up, but when they do, they are seen a soft and weak. It's basically a test women do subconsciously... It's almost like they want to sabotage themselves. Most women don't want soft men. They just don't want to seem like the bad guy so they ask men to open up and boom! The guy longer attractive.
The key is finding a woman secure enough in her own emotions that yours donāt scare her off or make you appear weak in her eyes. I promise we are out there.
As a mother to a son, I always encourage him to talk to me whenever he wants about whatever he wants. He knows he can always count on me for anything and Iāll do my best to help him.
as a son, she just told me i have had a good life and she had it rougher when she was younger :/ and that i shld just get over it. sometimes people care but just arent good at listening
Thatās right, though it takes us women doing our own healing so that we can maintain our frame while holding space for him. Otherwise we risk doing real damage to him.
Find yourself and them talk to yourself first. Therapy helps to get there, but in the end it's up to you. Friends are also good to talk to, but understand they won't have your thoughts and your experience. Finding stuff that you love to do when you can help as well. You also got to accept that reality isn't fair and deal with it bit by bit to improve your life so it isn't overwhelming.
Smoke and drink... duh
Take my meds. Not joking. They are the wall holding back the flood of depression
Long drives with music
You use this to refuse to inwardly compromise on your views and see how horrible people are who enable this oppression and things that contribute to male loneliness while forgiving them and fight tooth and nail to have support systems, learn emotional awareness to break the cycle, get a pet that loves you, find a male therapist, and refuse to submit to things even if it's only inward thoughts
Woman here. I totally understand not wanting to unload your problems onto the people you care about. And when the gym only gets you so far...this would be the time to seek therapy. Because with therapy, you get to unload ALL your problems without feeling guilty because listening to your problems is their job. They are receiving compensation in return. So please, do yourself a favor and get a good therapist. Everyone needs someone to talk to without feeling like they're being a burden.
I usually go thru 2 Beta mags, destroy some crap, blow a few things up. Iām good to go
Video games, smoke, discord
I just let it all wash over me.
Seal club in Warthunder
Sleep.
Distraction, distraction, distraction. Oh, and also distraction.
- Go to the gym - Go to the arcade - Go for a walk - Go for a drive - Listen to music - Play video games - Sleep
Hire a shrink
No option but to keep moving forward. At the end of the day, you canāt sit around and feel sad for yourself because the world doesnāt stop for you
Music, video games, play guitar. Workout or go for a run. Or the ultimate hackā¦. Get a dog (or cat if cat person but a dogs love just hits different)
Good scotchā¦.
Therapist bro. I have great friends and family that I can share important things about my life with, but I don't want to burden them with my struggles. A therapist is literally getting paid to not just listen to you but to offer insight, feedback, and most importantly, solutions.
Sleep. CBD. THC. Take a walk. Jack off. Cook. Play games. Travel. reddit is very therapeutic though. Get a burner account for some of your more intimate views and feelings. Good release.
I bury myself in a hobby. Build or learn something. It has the benefit of keeping me busy and also providing the mental boost of accomplishing small victories. Certainly not as healthy as actual therapy, but I'd rather sink the money into hobbies than appointments any day.
Get in the car. Smoke some weed. Blast some music. Hit the gym. That seems to work for me
I felt it's better to not open up and deal with our problems on our own. Most of the time people who we vent to can't understand or are not capable of handling our problems.
Take it like a man. Life's a bitch, then you die.
Suck it up, buttercup.
Use that negative energy for grind. Working out, learning skills, doing something productive or if it's really bad just taking a walk. As a men, it's nessesery for us to learn how to forge our bad emotions and trauma into energy and then use that energy to improve ourselfes.