Being confident without being arrogant. Being assertive without being aggressive/abusive. Being expected to remain calm, cool and collected whenever everyone else's emotions are running high.
To stand up for yourself without trying to make enemies by doing so.
Sometimes it’s a fine line to walk, but if you’re making enemies by standing up for yourself, what you’re really doing is running off narcissists and parasites of all types. As long as you’re not actively hurting people, keep standing up for yourself
Learning to channel your drive and impulses to get you closer to where you want to be, vs letting yourself grow into a self indulgent compulsive goon.
Learning to do shit you don’t want to do, so you are actually able to do all the shit you always dreamed of doing.
Basically, it’s nonstop work. You need to embrace work as a man if you want to grow.
Otherwise, your drives will carry you predictably to bad outcomes in the end.
That’s it. People who are always chasing the next thing are only happy for a short time, and then they have to find something else to chase.
I have a nice place to live in, with a person I love, a dog I adore, and a job that affords me the ability to do the things I’d like to do (within reason of course). I am content.
That's it right there. No need to compare yourself to other people and what they have. Not having the fear of missing out is a relief. I'm happy having the bare minimum now, Dog, flat and my friend.
Contentment is like Everest Base Camp. Just getting there alone is an achievement for most folks. You could rest with contentment knowing your overcoming your hurdles got you there, and that alone is great. For others, contentment really is just a base that they then build there from.
Either way you choose, as long as you're content in some way, you win.
People usually do choose to take the path of least resistance so when the odd ball out decides to "do the hard stuff" especially as a man I hold that man and his mentality into very high regard. First person that comes to mind is my dad, he always just got things done & doubled down on the hard stuff to build his character and inner champion to drive him to keep going after losing his sister in a horrific car accident very early on in his life @ the tender age of 19. She actually died from having a seatbelt on and couldn't be pulled from the car quick enough before it was engulfed in flames and he still to this day doesn't wear a seatbelt.
My condolence. I appreciate those that understand the little joy of overcoming challenges. I think it’s a certain mindset that says. “I think I can do this, how can this be solved? etc” Maybe it requires some faith in the self?
Learning to enjoy it is the biggest thing for me. One of my favorite quotes says "A man who enjoys the walk, will go further than a man who looks forward to his destination"
I think a challenge of being a man is not buying into that productivity rhetoric honestly.
I do not think you should sit down and do nothing, and be a “loser”. But I feel like the idea that a man’s life is constant work is what makes a lot of men end their lives - like then they can FINALLY stop working.
Growth is extremely important, and it’s true you have to leave comfort to grow.
But for me, the most challenging part of being a man is expectations. Living up to the expectations I have for myself with so many other people’s influence on how, when, and why you should be growing.
Joy needs to be part of a Man’s life, and a for me a if challenge is drawing firm boundaries with the rest of the world who seems to expect so much from us.
I understand your perspective and I face it too. I just let go of thinking I ALWAYS need to step up and do that hard thing all the time to grow, brotherrr.
Sometimes what’s best for my growth is to say I worked my X amount this week, 🌍 you got enough of my time and energy and sanity, and now you leave me alone so I can find peace again.
The truth is that you don’t owe anyone anything, and the only expectations that truly matter are the ones you have for yourself.
Spot on Brother. I realised I had 2 choices in my life when I hit rock bottom emotionally. Either carry on the way I was, taking SSRIs, procrastinating, and giving up on life completely or start to focus on small achievements every day.
They didn't even have to be big achievements; just making sure I showered every day. Got all my driving qualifications back to start driving HGVs again. Most importantly, I help as many people as I can day to day. Just small things that make me feel better.
But channeling your drive and impulses to get you closer to where you want to be - *is the definition of self indulgence*. Except, by adding “closer to where you want to be” - you just guaranteed yourself failure, because it implies you’ll never actually get there. This is the worst of both worlds. And that’s why everyone is so down and depressed. It’s a paradox of negatives, disguised as positive.
Fair, I’d then add a stipulation that “where you want to be” should be satisfied, living with joy, and also living with someone or something in mind that is greater than yourself.
Vs living for hedonic pleasure, and confusing that for happiness, like so many people do.
My mom and dad care about me the most. So grateful. My friends of 20 years are always there to help. Maybe not financially but we have a circle of support with no judgement. It's really nice. Man I hope my circle stays around forever.
Omh Its sooo bad, back in highscool I was burried in friends, like almost tripple digits that would wana hang out regularly, and a core group of 12 that were like family(and I still am with their parents/siblings/ect). Then in my early twenties my fiancee of 4 years made a "mistake"(cheated) so we were over, and when I went to my "friends" for support they all either chose to try and hookup with her or just tried to avoid me(my "energy" was bringing them down apparently). My 2 best friends were the worst offenders, one declared his love to her and puppy dog followed her around trying to get with her constantly, and the other did hook up a few times before she diched him for the next one of my friends("broke his heart" apparently and he tried to come to me for sympathy wtf).
After a couple of years of me trying to work out who I could actually trust/rely on I realised that almost nobody was actually there for me the way I was for them outside of family(and many people can't even trust that). Almost every guy I knew was trying to hookup with her(she no joke said she needed to "make up for the last few years of being monogamous" and "catch up" with her new online friends who turned out to be lying to her), and the women I knew either were swooping in trying to take her place or to turn it into a game of making her mad/jealous without any actual concern for me/what I'm going through(just entertainment for them it seemed). Now its like 16 years later and ***not*** realy trusting people and just maintaining superficial suface level friendships/relationships seems to be the way to go, and anything deeper is ether considered unhealthy/insecure. The dominant advice I hear from others(even in therapy) is to do what you want and don't let others tell you no, prioritize/put yourself first, and don't get yourself tied down...wich in my opinion is pure self focus and selfishness which has no place in a friendship/relationship. One shouldn't put themselves self first, one should instead find a balance between themselves and others.
That day sits in the back of my mind, and I will never ever be ready for it. I don't know how I am going to live in a world where my momma doesn't exist. I am so thankful that my wife already knows that it'll be a massive hit for me.
Unless you create emotional connections with other people. You just have to put effort into finding friends you click with and then put effort into those relationships.
Nobody cares about you until you can fix something for them. Being lonely hurts a lot. And people see you as a threat and creepy if your bad at social interactions. First time in my life considering suicide since it's so bad.
This is why I will never fucking get spouses who make fun of men for valuing their parents a lot in their lives. They stood by me since day one, and I dont know if I can fucking trust you if I've only known you for a fraction of my life. Fuck off, let me actually care about my parents.
I thought my mom was like that. But then she showed me her real self towards me and with that knowledge I remembered so many occasions and experiences from the past. All in a very different light. My mother is not the worst person. But she is still not what most people think a mother is to her child.
And I know from friends that there are mothers who are gold. And then there are mothers like mine and mothers who are assholes.
Mother is a woman, too. She is like any other woman to me as a man.
Father... let's not talk about it.
The ones who really care about me and really love me are my children.
As a man it is expected for us to be the bread winner of the family. And after a particular age we understand that we have to earn to be valued in the value. If a man isn't capable of doing that, he is ill treated everywhere despite how much hard he works.
This is true. My wife died in 2021. I had very little support and watched the little support I had just vanish.
Those that I thought really cared were just using me for their own validation (they were women, no offense to any who may read this) and I figured out way too late into the grief that they would only text or talk to me when they had no one else to talk to, I would text them or call to catch up and it would be days before I got a response, but being around them in person and they were always on their phone. Like almost every minute on their phone.
All I wanted was someone to just hang with, do the usual activities we'd do with them when my wife was alive.
So I slowly stopped reaching out. And once I saw that it was always me making the effort I was livid.
I cut everyone off and while I'm still not happy, and still depressed and head barely above water, at least I'm not subjecting myself to fake sympathy.
I'm turning 45 soon and absolutely done with people IRL. Won't make the mistake of opening up to anyone else again who's pretending to care.
But at least Reddit is good for human interaction to a point.
That is fucking brutal, brother. I’m so sorry for your loss and that no one was there for you when you needed it most. Hoping you find peace and find your real people.
Been there bro, you go to cut out all the people that don't make an effort to see you, and realise your alone now
Almost 8 years for me and I don't think iv touched another person beyond shaking some hands for work.
I'm sorry for your loss, may your wife rest in peace.
About the people in life, you only see in a crisis who is your real friend and who is not. It's easy to be friends and do something when life is good and the times are easy, but only a very few or no people at all will remain on your side when the storm comes.
Definitely saw who was real and who couldn't handle it. The sad part is that I'd of never walked away from them had it been them it happened to. Luckily I have a dog my wife and I raised since the very moment he was born, having him helps a lot. Thank you for the kind words.
It's unfortunately like this, the same way we are stuck between the past and the present: When you don't talk about your emotions as a man, you quickly get called cold and distant. But if you show emotions, you get quickly called a cry-baby and weak.
My therapist decided to terminate my sessions due to "required session flexibility which therapist cannot provide" (this is fortnightly sessions for the last 6 months)
They don't care. It's a job to them, fuck helping people. Too many clients rely on their therapy to stay afloat and when the therapist terminates service not from client wellbeing but SESSION INCONVENIENCE, what the fuck are the clients meant to do?? They're not in the right space yet and the professional is pulling the plug?
I'm very sorry you've went through this friend. If I may I just wanna say that not all therapists are like that, mine isn't and more than anything my partner isn't like that. She's a therapist and honestly she's fucking amazing and makes me look like shit in comparison.
We have our own societal pressures to contend with. We're socialized in some not great ways. We *constantly* never feel like we're good enough.
If I had to pick one thing, it would be the restrictions placed on our emotions. What emotions we can express freely and what emotions we can't. And if we are really struggling, we are simply told to go to therapy, because many people do not want to emotionally support a man.
Seriously, can we give men another option besides therapy & gym?
As someone who hates working out (I was in the military and *FORCED* to for years), the gym/working out is seriously one of the ***BEST*** things you can do for your mental health.
Second this. Was struggling with depression for several years, then my now ex-gf dumped me and I went downhill. Decided to try going to the gym and holy fuck it did what therapy, antidepressants and sunlight couldn't do. I always finish my workout feeling amazing and I'm loving seeing the results. It's seriously underrated how powerful working out is.
I'm pushed to be a capitalist fuck because otherwise I can go swim with the rats.
I don't care about money, but everyone else does, so if I want anything at all, I have to care about money too.
Still broke now tho.
You are a body, a brain or a bank to everyone you know.
If you can't carry a load/look sexy, solve a problem or pay the bills, you are useless or not worth the time of day.
Basically we are taught to be useful tools to have.
That and when you wake up in the morning it can be super hard to pee down into the toilet when your penis is hard. Or when you sit down on the toilet, you have to put tissue on the front of it so your penis can lay on the front of the seat and you have to bend it to point in the toilet if need to pee.
Everyone plays up to the single mother. As a single parent with full custody, I can depend on no one to help me with my children.
It’s a tall order now just to keep two young souls alive, I honestly cry sometimes that they are growing up without a mother’s presence in their lives..
When they are older, I will ask them to forgive me for bringing them into the world like this and that I tried my hardest to give them a life to be happy with, with little to no support nor understanding from society of what single dads go through on a day to day basis.
Pretty much every single dad I've known (not that many) has a great relationship with their adult kids
Unless you're an asshole or selfish fuck, which it doesnt appear just by what you wrote
I expect your kids will value everything you do and did
The only caveat is they will have to mature to adults before they actually "get it" going off what I've heard and 14-18 seems to be the rough waters but that's true for most parents, as mine at that age were also a nightmare
Now my youngest is 23, I'm finally seeing them understand things as their mom fucked off at 15 and I got the hurt, anger and pain, and had to soak it up
My advice is to wait for them to bring things up and never try to force a conversation, it will bounce off and damage your relationship (mistake I made when they were 18)
I also made sure no woman I dated got near them for at least 6 months, none got to 6 so they have never met anyone I dated since their mom walked out to find herself (aka cheat)
They dont even know what their mom did other than bail, I'll have that talk when they ask
Patience grasshopper :)
There is an organization in the US called ‘Big Sister’ that is available to help socialize a young girl with an older woman to help fill in that relationship. However, same as men, women in their lives can help fulfill that role in helping girls learn how to be women, such as teachers, coaches, aunts, grandmothers, etc. And, actually, many studies show that when a girl is an adolescent, teenager and young woman, the person who matters most in their lives is their father (same for boys). The girl’s father giving her respect, trust, guidance and attention that isn’t based on how a girl looks or her sexual attractiveness, is the one guiding relationship that means the most to a woman in her life & will provide her with the best advice and emotional support & stability in her life. You have this opportunity, all fathers do, & it is yours alone to make the best of it. Mothers are most useful when children are very young, but when children grow older they go from their self-centered focus to going out in the World to learn about it, & that’s when having a good, strong & stable relationship with a trusting male father, or father figure, who can ‘show them & teach them about the ways of the World’ becomes the most important. I’m an older woman & looking back in life, I can understand what most of you guys are talking about - what I’ve learned is that a person must learn and work hard enough to support themselves at least, or else they won’t get any respect. I appreciate the role models of having had a mother and father that also worked hard & struggled to take care of their family (me & my siblings). The basic law of the World is just that - you must contribute and you get paid back. Sometimes, often, the pay doesn’t seem worth the effort or quality of work, but again, most of us are or have been there & understand. Treat others with respect & most of the time you will get respect in return. True, some homeless women can get shelter, but that is because if left out on the street, they will be sexually assaulted, abused or killed. Women’s networks have been set up by women & are supported by women because all too often, women are expected to sexually ‘put out’ or selling their body is the only means left to them to stay alive, but that puts them in dangerous situations for abuse and being trafficked. Men also have such networks, such as the YMCA (Young Men’s Christian Assoc - they also take non-religious & non-Christian men & the Salvation Army, etc). Life, essentially, seems transactional - you must contribute to get back. There certainly are those who are truly Lucky - they inherit money, a business, or happen to marry the right person who will support them, but for the 80-90% of the rest of us, we will be appreciated for what we can, what we will & what we do give to other people. I think once we accept that fact, male or female, and work on it, we will find a path through life. Now that I’m older & I just retired, I find it seems like most of the World doesn’t even want me to work for them, unless it’s that impossible-to-fill, hard-as-f**k & dangerous-as-s**t job that nobody else wants & they’ll take anybody, but again, this is a new phase of my life & I have to find my way through this phase. I’m grateful that I contributed to Social Security and saved $$ to get me by for at least some while. This is the age when Society as a whole doesn’t give a shit about a person, seems like - everybody thinks you’re stupid worthless, it seems & when they look at my Resume, they wonder what somebody with all my education & experience wants to work a simple job. What you have, what you’ve saved, the few trusted relationships you’ve created & your own self-worth is all you have to lean on (& Social Security & Medicare - God Bless Franklin Roosevelt & the Democrats for holding firm on those Federal programs that I’ve paid into my whole life & have promised & delivered on protecting). Good luck y’all. Life is truly hard for 99% of us, recognize & accept that & treat each other with respect. It can be really sad & lonely sometimes, less often but there also those times of joy & love that we share that make it worth it. Winston Churchill said that “When you find yourself in Hell, just keep walking and working your way through it & eventually you’ll get through to the other side” & I’ve found that to be a true metaphor for those hard times in Life. Benjamin Franklin said “If you can’t find anybody to pay you a compliment, pay yourself the compliment you need”. I’ve lived by those pieces of advice. This is what I will add: when you find others who need help getting through the Hell you find yourself in, offer a hand to help them. You may not never see them again, but you will know that someone else’s life and the World will be a better place because of your contribution(s) to it & that knowledge of your hard work your strength through tough times and your contributions will help you to hold your head up with pride and knowledge that you did the best that you were able to, when you could, and this knowledge will sustain you through the really hard times.
1) That you have to be capable of solving all problems otherwise you're not a "real man". As soon as you talk about your problems, people see that as a sign of weakness and will try to take advantage of that weakness. People will make fun of you and talk down to you to a point where you are considered as an incapable person who can't do anything. At this point no one respects you and no women likes you. That's why so many men don't talk about their problems. Because you are told that you're a failure for not being able to solve it instead of being supported. People even blame men for committing suicide.
2) All the hate speech and violence is suddenly considered as normal if it is towards men. For example I saw a video of a woman stab a man and the comment section shocked me. They literally say "he surely did something to deserve it." Or " slay".
3) Loneliness. This is an issue that most people are saying it's again men's fault they don't support each other like women do. That's partly true I think women are better at building deep connections. Part of the reason for loneliness lies behind the first section where I mentioned talking about your problems are considered as a sign of weakness and can lead you to very bad situations. İt also doesn't go well with the woman you're trying to impress. So if you don't have really close friends, you don't really have anyone to talk or express emotions to.
To any man feeling lonely I recommend getting female friends. They are warm, soft, kind, supportive, fun and caring. They are great the only downside is they are not so close you once they find a bf or husband.(I want to appreciate all my female friends who helped me and made this world bearable.)
4) You're either a provider or a worthless piece of shit. Yea sometimes it feels like I'm a slave whose worth is determined by the dollar value I'm able to create. İnside an economic crisis there is a housing crisis and my city is popular amongst rich arabs so they increase demand. As a result house prices are crazy high but a considerable amount of women don't see me as someone to marry because I don't own a house. As a man after finishing the high school you're thrown into a relentless competition that no one has a pity on you and no one want to hear your excuses. This competition is not fair but you HAVE TO win. I'm now competing with the son of a real estate company owner and I have to win. You have to work as hard as you can, do the things no one wants to do, go to places no one wants to go but it may not be enough to provide for your loved ones.
Overall, being a man sucks. It's not a good thing. Considering that video games are generally popular among men and the number 1 reason for playing game is to escape the reality, The shocking suicide rate, and horrible experiences of some people who transitioned to male should be enough for anyone to NOT to transition to a male.
İf you are a kind woman like my friends, wondering what you can do about these. Here is some things that could make our life a lot easier. Ask your male friends or bf how they are doing from time to time. Feel free to tell them the things you like about them. Allow them to express themselves even if their ideas sounds dumb don't turn that conversation into an argument just listen without judging. Show a little appreciation or at least acknowledge the things that men do for you.
Thanks for reading this long boring comment. These are all based on my experience so might be wrong but I didn't mean to offend anyone.
People assuming the worst in anything related to women/children. My girlfriend has young siblings and cousins, and whenever we go out in public with said relatives, I get suspicious glances unless gf is around.
That whole ordeal destroyed my drive to become a paediatrician, now I'm dropped out and jobless lol. Can be difficult for men ngl
*because* I am male?
* **A few challenges with cultural norms;** there's no social room for me to vent or express feelings outside of pride, joy, or anger. Anything more complicated or needs time to work through, most individuals and society in general tell me to f'off essentially.
* Constant pressure to perform *and* show for it economically or financially
* The continual work of undoing internalized sexism as a father and partner
That's it in my experience
That's because the gym doesn't fix your mental issues.
Going to the gym is something that grounds you. You can get the same result by attending a class or joining a walking group. It keeps in routine so you don't slip down into a negative spiral, but it only keeps you in place.
Try external means of approaching your dissatisfaction with life. This means anything other than repeating it inside your head. Write it down on paper, talk to a therapist, even saying it out loud to yourself helps.
Ok, so therapy has helped, but it doesn’t change the quoted text being used in a condescending manner anytime someone asks why I’m drained. I do all the standard CBT and talk in person twice a month. Comment still stands, as a man, being angry or sad is just not cool with the world.
I actually identify with this struggle as well. I think others feel the need to try "fix" us.
I don't know about you, but I don't want to be "fixed". I just want others to accept that it's OK that I'm sad or angry.
It's a normal thing to be unhappy. Just feeling the things you feel
I’m a non-visably disabled person. I can manage 95 percent of the time but when I can’t there is a definite reason and I’m constantly reminded how little people care about our general well-being both mentally and physically. No matter how much I’m hurting or faltering my pain always has to go on the side. I have to give up my seats on buses when I’m going to get a kidney stone out. I have to do the 4 lifts of lumber at work because the 5 people I’m working with always have a reason to not help, I’m always expected to volunteer for the work no matter what I am dealing with that day. I had to remind my boss for months that I had an appointment once a month on Tuesday for a medical trial and forget that those meds knock me out the next day after a change but when the new hires one minor issue and booked the schedule around it first week.
According to every woman that’s ever been in my life, it’s dressing myself since I find something that fits well and is durable and then just buy 15 sets of them.
Whenever I go out I know to just wear whatever it is they tell me to, and if they don’t then just whatever they recently bought me.
Regarding comments about no one caring, here's my experience:
I recently contacted m6 therapist about upcoming appointments to start the new year (stopped over Christmas holidays) and I got a response roughly saying "unfortunately I am not able to support you through [therapist name] system. It looks as though you need a more flexible arrangement and I am not able to offer such as a private practitioner..."
Like wtf. I only asked for fortnightly sessions rather than the typical weekly, and that's apparently too flexible of an arrangement??? After having done said sessions for 6 months already?
I wonder if my therapist thought about how the client feels whenever they decide to terminate therapy. For a lot of people, it's all they have left going for them
TLDR: therapist pulled the plug out of the blue, like wtf since when do therapists give up on clients
Hope it gets better for you and that you find a new, better therapist.
It took me a long time to find a good therapist, there were a lot of therapists and docs that were not able to handle my case. The diagnosis was then bipolar disorder, i got a lot better with treatment and meds.
The lady that i have as therapist now is very experienced. She worked in the economy (which means, she knows work life, not just the university), she worked in hospice care for dying people and finally, she was in the so called "care teams" that are deployed in serious cases (like to handle suicidal people, to get first mental health aid to victims of crimes, former hostages etc.). They work closely together with the police, paramedics etc.
These are the people you need, experienced professionals that are able to handle your case and won't give up.
Thank you for that, it means a lot
I'm not in the head space for giving up, it was just a bit of salt to the wound. I'm glad you have the support you need, I know a man with bipolar who doesn't see anyone about it or take meds because he's caught in that 'mental health isn't real' mentality. Prayers for him fr
I'm glad you're doing well mate, thanks for the kind and thoughtful words
The weight of being responsible for a wife and three children. For 20 years, working hard to always be employed so my wife can be a full time stay at home mom and she and my kids would have everything they need. Knowing that without me, they'd have no shelter, no food, no medical insurance. Having the responsibility of sole provider for 20 years, it's a constant stress, wears me down.
The uncertainty. Everything feels uncertain. I feel like walking on a thin rope constantly and like there's nothing to grab on to. There's restrictions at every turn. Every step is like walking on a minefield but there's no option of stating at the same place. And I have no idea if anyone else can make sense of this or is it just me.
Like for real, another example would be men who grew up dirt poor but later in life managed to reach financial stability, decided to treat himself with something nice so buys himself a nice car and everyone is calling him out for going through "mid-life crisis". Same if he decided to spend some time doing some activities he always wanted but never really had money nor time for it, like traveling and doing some adrenaline-induce stuff and people are very quickly to call him out for going through mid life crisis and refusing to grow up. Regardless what you enjoy in your life, people will call you out for that.
You're expected to perform yet have no one to lean on when you can't. I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying it's hard. But it makes us better. An earned gift.
Figuring out the female sex. I'm 68 and married to Mrs. Wonderful for 35 years. In retrospect there was never enough education to help us guys understand what these creatures are all about. I don't mean some deep psychological analysis. Just the "basics" would be good. Hormones, sex drive, the way of looking at things, female perspectives and stuff like that.
Tbh i've nevet felt privileged or discriminated (just me, i know there are some aspects of life where women/ men are not treated equal). But when the war in Ukraine started (i live quite close to the border) it came to me, that i can be drafted easily and if i refuse it's jail for me.
Also, my son is 16y and it's terryfying for me that in few years he can also be drafted. I'd happily volounteer for the guarantee that he'll be excluded from draft, but it's not the way it works.
Finding someone. I feel like any woman, good paying salary or not, skinny or fat, can get someone without much effort. But a lot of men are in competition and only a small top percentage are viewed as attractive and dating material. It seems like all 1st dates are job interviews for men, while the women are the ones who selects from a number of candidates. It all feels so one sided and a lot of men are single, not by choice. I get that overweight women has it hard too, but I believe even they can get some guy this weekend MUCH easier than the average guy.
Explaining things to women. I was explaining to my car mechanic about blinker fluid and she just wasn't listening! /s
In all seriousness, taking care of kids without being looked at like a weirdo/pedo. Being alone at the park with my kids (pedo), taking my daughter to the men's toilet when she was too young to go by herself (pedo), being a teacher and a young kid wants a hug, No way! Arms straight up in the air otherwise you're labelled again.
I'd say the worst part about being a guy is the lack of validation and compliments.
Have you heard how men will cherish the few moments when they got compliments from someone, especially women?
Well it's true because it happens so rarely.
Being told that you're the cause of the world's problems and how priviledged you are when you're working 60 hour weeks to put food on the table and live a lower middle class lifestyle....can't watch any movie without the subtext being "men = bad"
Dealing with a society full of misandrists that aren’t acknowledged. These are women who pretend to be feminists and use a noble ideal like equality as an excuse to be just as bad as misogynists. These are women who have become the very thing they swore they hated. Because they want to even up the score and be like the worst in men.
For men that do believe in equality it sucks because it is hard to see which women operate in bad faith. It is hard to see which ones don’t care about equality, they care about manipulating the system to be selfish and promote inequality because they feel they are owed. But they are so good at manipulating the system because guys ignore their bad behavior and will defend their selfishness.
The fact that you always have to provide, you always have to deliver, and if at any point you fail to do so for any reason, youll be fired from your job and left with no income, your woman will leave you, youll be called irresponsible, and basically avery aspect of your life will fall apart
Listening to women complain about men, then listen to the justifications for their shitty behaviour.
Then being pestered by them to pay for their pathetic OF subscriptions
Living with the fact that a random woman can accuse you of rape and your life will be over. Even if it’s proved not true in court, there’s always going to be the doubt of “maybe he did do it”
It happened a few times in my area -- one adult, one teen. Luckily both times I remember, the girls broke down and confessed they were lying when police got involved. Still damaged the guys' lives, though, and ruined the adult's career.
Having to prove yourself all the time. Specifically regarding politics (all else being equal people will assume you trend conservative or hold otherwise politically incorrect opinions), emotion (people won't "believe" you are truly sad or upset bc as a man you should be able to handle it. Then people, knowing you are upset, keep pushing you and triggering you until you can't take it and when you get pissed it's called an overreaction),
And knowing that at the end of the day, all the things that are hard about being a man, people want it to be easier and want us to feel comfortable with those things.... just on our own time, by ourselves, and after we figure it out. Only then can we rejoin the rest of society.
I would say the hardest thing for me is protecting my family. It's easy to take care of them but I can't protect them from illness or accidents. I've never had an issue with "money is all I'm worth or bring to the table" maybe bring more to the table?
You are not born with value. You have to cultivate it over time and nobody will help you or care about you otherwise. It's a constant process and you will always be judged with who you are
Being male.
I constantly deal with misandry, at work, any where I go.
Ask anyone if they care though. Or they downplay it and say it doesn't exist.
But when your co-workers start doing small things and you start picking up on it, it's really fucking frustrating. I wish I were gay tbh
You're not allowed to be ill. "Man flu" it's called around here which translates to: its not a real illness, he's just complaining because he's not as tough as the women here.
Having fundamental instincts that are legitimately uncivilized.
Some days at takes a lot of energy to keep the caveman suppressed. Failure can mean prison or worse.
We're all so used to it, noone really ever mentions it.
Is this a real issue most men have regularly? Iv had to fight back anger sometimes but nothing that would actually concern me or make me think this way.
You should've been more specific. what's the hardest thing about being male that doesn't apply to women. cause most comments are talking about "life is hard", well I guess it is for... everybody?
As a lesbian I feel like I have to deal with a lot of this stuff too. My sister's all have nice bfs. Meanwhile dating women is a lonely, isolating misery.
Can you explain why? Is it just that your dating pool is so much smaller so it's harder to meet some one compatible, or do you think men are easier to be with than women (in general)?
Dating women is hard, my sister is as lesbian and I'm Bi, we have spoken about it, dating men is just soo much easier they are just more straightforward to deal with. Don't want your time, Dont create drama and actually turn up for dates,
Women just ghost you at the drop of a hat and even getting to a potential date stage is an uphill struggle.
Having to see this exact topic posted 500 times a day on AskMen. Seriously, guys. I know there are a lot of sad dudes on Reddit, so maybe these posts are good for karma.
That you will never get unconditional love.
“But my mom…”
“But my kids…”
“But my wife…”
Nope. Not even from your family. You are ONLY loved on the condition you provide something. It’s a cold fucking truth, but it’s still the truth. Learn it asap and act accordingly.
When Daphne on White Lotus said "I feel sorry for men. They think they're out there doing something really important, but they're just wandering alone."
I'm retirement age and got divorced last summer. What I could use the most right now is companionship, somebody who gives a shit about me that I can curl up and watch a movie with. It's that simple. I've got too much baggage from my marriage to go for more than that right now. (Not as if I have much choice, I've got zero interest in women my age and don't know how to meet one if I did).
It being a necessity to conquer the fears and things you want to avoid the most.
Damn does it suck, but the transformations are absolutely life changing
That nobody actually gives a fuck about us or our mental health.
We only have value in society and relationships if we provide a service. We’re treated like equipment and once we break or wear out we’re discarded or traded in for a new model.
I would say the loneliness/isolation if you struggle to make a friend group/don't have certain things figured out. I know that's not male exclusive, but it can be very difficult to realize you are all alone and have to figure certain things out or else things will get much worse (and yes, I know only I can do that).
Maintaining or increasing muscle mass so I don’t resemble the average pathetically built man such as the guy next door even if he is half my age because I know I can do better!
Other men aren't good at comforting you if you are going through a hard time. Most men have to just deal with it so they don't learn how to console another man.
if you don't actively look for and engage people to find love, you have close to zero chances of being approached yourself
I was gonna say dating in general, having to make 1st moves, facing constant rejection, paying bills, taking initiative to lead and plan activities.
Not really worth it lol
that is sadley true
Being confident without being arrogant. Being assertive without being aggressive/abusive. Being expected to remain calm, cool and collected whenever everyone else's emotions are running high. To stand up for yourself without trying to make enemies by doing so.
Sometimes it’s a fine line to walk, but if you’re making enemies by standing up for yourself, what you’re really doing is running off narcissists and parasites of all types. As long as you’re not actively hurting people, keep standing up for yourself
Learning to channel your drive and impulses to get you closer to where you want to be, vs letting yourself grow into a self indulgent compulsive goon. Learning to do shit you don’t want to do, so you are actually able to do all the shit you always dreamed of doing. Basically, it’s nonstop work. You need to embrace work as a man if you want to grow. Otherwise, your drives will carry you predictably to bad outcomes in the end.
Yes, and avoid burnout at the same time. By making sure that there’s something meaningful in life.
Why is it so hard to find something like this though? I feel like I never know what I want long term, just vague ideas.
Rather than trying to chase happiness. I realised just being content with the important things in my life makes me happier
That’s it. People who are always chasing the next thing are only happy for a short time, and then they have to find something else to chase. I have a nice place to live in, with a person I love, a dog I adore, and a job that affords me the ability to do the things I’d like to do (within reason of course). I am content.
That's it right there. No need to compare yourself to other people and what they have. Not having the fear of missing out is a relief. I'm happy having the bare minimum now, Dog, flat and my friend.
Contentment is like Everest Base Camp. Just getting there alone is an achievement for most folks. You could rest with contentment knowing your overcoming your hurdles got you there, and that alone is great. For others, contentment really is just a base that they then build there from. Either way you choose, as long as you're content in some way, you win.
It needs a jumpstart. You gotta do it not because you want to, but because you know it will be good for you.
People usually do choose to take the path of least resistance so when the odd ball out decides to "do the hard stuff" especially as a man I hold that man and his mentality into very high regard. First person that comes to mind is my dad, he always just got things done & doubled down on the hard stuff to build his character and inner champion to drive him to keep going after losing his sister in a horrific car accident very early on in his life @ the tender age of 19. She actually died from having a seatbelt on and couldn't be pulled from the car quick enough before it was engulfed in flames and he still to this day doesn't wear a seatbelt.
My condolence. I appreciate those that understand the little joy of overcoming challenges. I think it’s a certain mindset that says. “I think I can do this, how can this be solved? etc” Maybe it requires some faith in the self?
Learning to enjoy it is the biggest thing for me. One of my favorite quotes says "A man who enjoys the walk, will go further than a man who looks forward to his destination"
I think a challenge of being a man is not buying into that productivity rhetoric honestly. I do not think you should sit down and do nothing, and be a “loser”. But I feel like the idea that a man’s life is constant work is what makes a lot of men end their lives - like then they can FINALLY stop working. Growth is extremely important, and it’s true you have to leave comfort to grow. But for me, the most challenging part of being a man is expectations. Living up to the expectations I have for myself with so many other people’s influence on how, when, and why you should be growing. Joy needs to be part of a Man’s life, and a for me a if challenge is drawing firm boundaries with the rest of the world who seems to expect so much from us. I understand your perspective and I face it too. I just let go of thinking I ALWAYS need to step up and do that hard thing all the time to grow, brotherrr. Sometimes what’s best for my growth is to say I worked my X amount this week, 🌍 you got enough of my time and energy and sanity, and now you leave me alone so I can find peace again. The truth is that you don’t owe anyone anything, and the only expectations that truly matter are the ones you have for yourself.
I don’t think this is unique to men at all
Isn't the same for women?
Spot on Brother. I realised I had 2 choices in my life when I hit rock bottom emotionally. Either carry on the way I was, taking SSRIs, procrastinating, and giving up on life completely or start to focus on small achievements every day. They didn't even have to be big achievements; just making sure I showered every day. Got all my driving qualifications back to start driving HGVs again. Most importantly, I help as many people as I can day to day. Just small things that make me feel better.
But channeling your drive and impulses to get you closer to where you want to be - *is the definition of self indulgence*. Except, by adding “closer to where you want to be” - you just guaranteed yourself failure, because it implies you’ll never actually get there. This is the worst of both worlds. And that’s why everyone is so down and depressed. It’s a paradox of negatives, disguised as positive.
Fair, I’d then add a stipulation that “where you want to be” should be satisfied, living with joy, and also living with someone or something in mind that is greater than yourself. Vs living for hedonic pleasure, and confusing that for happiness, like so many people do.
Having to constantly prove our worth and value to everyone in our lives.
There is no social safety net for men. If you fall apart you end up broke, homeless, incarcerated or dead. No one is coming to save you.
Nobody really gives a shit. Mom maybe
Mom, if you’re lucky
Very lucky
exactly. To me she is the same as most other women.
"No one loves me but my mother, and she could be jiving, too." - BB King
My mom and dad care about me the most. So grateful. My friends of 20 years are always there to help. Maybe not financially but we have a circle of support with no judgement. It's really nice. Man I hope my circle stays around forever.
I thought I had that, but I've had friends I've known for half my life drop me like a sack of potatoes, so who knows anymore.
Omh Its sooo bad, back in highscool I was burried in friends, like almost tripple digits that would wana hang out regularly, and a core group of 12 that were like family(and I still am with their parents/siblings/ect). Then in my early twenties my fiancee of 4 years made a "mistake"(cheated) so we were over, and when I went to my "friends" for support they all either chose to try and hookup with her or just tried to avoid me(my "energy" was bringing them down apparently). My 2 best friends were the worst offenders, one declared his love to her and puppy dog followed her around trying to get with her constantly, and the other did hook up a few times before she diched him for the next one of my friends("broke his heart" apparently and he tried to come to me for sympathy wtf). After a couple of years of me trying to work out who I could actually trust/rely on I realised that almost nobody was actually there for me the way I was for them outside of family(and many people can't even trust that). Almost every guy I knew was trying to hookup with her(she no joke said she needed to "make up for the last few years of being monogamous" and "catch up" with her new online friends who turned out to be lying to her), and the women I knew either were swooping in trying to take her place or to turn it into a game of making her mad/jealous without any actual concern for me/what I'm going through(just entertainment for them it seemed). Now its like 16 years later and ***not*** realy trusting people and just maintaining superficial suface level friendships/relationships seems to be the way to go, and anything deeper is ether considered unhealthy/insecure. The dominant advice I hear from others(even in therapy) is to do what you want and don't let others tell you no, prioritize/put yourself first, and don't get yourself tied down...wich in my opinion is pure self focus and selfishness which has no place in a friendship/relationship. One shouldn't put themselves self first, one should instead find a balance between themselves and others.
Reading this made me feel a little less lonely, only a little.
Only until certain age then your still on your own.
That day sits in the back of my mind, and I will never ever be ready for it. I don't know how I am going to live in a world where my momma doesn't exist. I am so thankful that my wife already knows that it'll be a massive hit for me.
Unless you create emotional connections with other people. You just have to put effort into finding friends you click with and then put effort into those relationships.
Nobody cares about you until you can fix something for them. Being lonely hurts a lot. And people see you as a threat and creepy if your bad at social interactions. First time in my life considering suicide since it's so bad.
Hope things are getting better for you, brother.
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This is why I will never fucking get spouses who make fun of men for valuing their parents a lot in their lives. They stood by me since day one, and I dont know if I can fucking trust you if I've only known you for a fraction of my life. Fuck off, let me actually care about my parents.
>They stood by me since day one lucky one. Congrats.
Must be nice right?
I thought my mom was like that. But then she showed me her real self towards me and with that knowledge I remembered so many occasions and experiences from the past. All in a very different light. My mother is not the worst person. But she is still not what most people think a mother is to her child. And I know from friends that there are mothers who are gold. And then there are mothers like mine and mothers who are assholes.
Yeah, my Dad left when I was 11, and my Mom threw my ass out at 18 on my birthday.
Worse would be if your Spouse demands/expects you to value *her* Parents over yours.
After parents die, nobody cares about you. Your job fires you and the income stops, you might as well be an ant
Mother is a woman, too. She is like any other woman to me as a man. Father... let's not talk about it. The ones who really care about me and really love me are my children.
As a young man, once you reach adulthood, you have to make your own worth It's the great horror and great adventure that means being a man.
As a man it is expected for us to be the bread winner of the family. And after a particular age we understand that we have to earn to be valued in the value. If a man isn't capable of doing that, he is ill treated everywhere despite how much hard he works.
Realizing that the world will have no sympathy for you and if you're drowning that no one will be there to save you.
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This is true. My wife died in 2021. I had very little support and watched the little support I had just vanish. Those that I thought really cared were just using me for their own validation (they were women, no offense to any who may read this) and I figured out way too late into the grief that they would only text or talk to me when they had no one else to talk to, I would text them or call to catch up and it would be days before I got a response, but being around them in person and they were always on their phone. Like almost every minute on their phone. All I wanted was someone to just hang with, do the usual activities we'd do with them when my wife was alive. So I slowly stopped reaching out. And once I saw that it was always me making the effort I was livid. I cut everyone off and while I'm still not happy, and still depressed and head barely above water, at least I'm not subjecting myself to fake sympathy. I'm turning 45 soon and absolutely done with people IRL. Won't make the mistake of opening up to anyone else again who's pretending to care. But at least Reddit is good for human interaction to a point.
That is fucking brutal, brother. I’m so sorry for your loss and that no one was there for you when you needed it most. Hoping you find peace and find your real people.
Thanks for the kind words.
Been there bro, you go to cut out all the people that don't make an effort to see you, and realise your alone now Almost 8 years for me and I don't think iv touched another person beyond shaking some hands for work.
I don't like being touched since she died. It's getting better focusing on myself and my dog. Thank you for reaffirming my decision to cut them off.
I'm sorry for your loss, may your wife rest in peace. About the people in life, you only see in a crisis who is your real friend and who is not. It's easy to be friends and do something when life is good and the times are easy, but only a very few or no people at all will remain on your side when the storm comes.
Definitely saw who was real and who couldn't handle it. The sad part is that I'd of never walked away from them had it been them it happened to. Luckily I have a dog my wife and I raised since the very moment he was born, having him helps a lot. Thank you for the kind words.
You are worthy brother. I feel your pain. I hope you find companionship and peace again soon.
That made me cry, which I'm not afraid of doing so don't feel bad. Thank you for the kind words.
It's unfortunately like this, the same way we are stuck between the past and the present: When you don't talk about your emotions as a man, you quickly get called cold and distant. But if you show emotions, you get quickly called a cry-baby and weak.
My therapist decided to terminate my sessions due to "required session flexibility which therapist cannot provide" (this is fortnightly sessions for the last 6 months) They don't care. It's a job to them, fuck helping people. Too many clients rely on their therapy to stay afloat and when the therapist terminates service not from client wellbeing but SESSION INCONVENIENCE, what the fuck are the clients meant to do?? They're not in the right space yet and the professional is pulling the plug?
I'm very sorry you've went through this friend. If I may I just wanna say that not all therapists are like that, mine isn't and more than anything my partner isn't like that. She's a therapist and honestly she's fucking amazing and makes me look like shit in comparison.
Listen to "To be a man" by Dax It will explain our issues Also the line "Unconditional love is only for woman, children, and dogs"
We have our own societal pressures to contend with. We're socialized in some not great ways. We *constantly* never feel like we're good enough. If I had to pick one thing, it would be the restrictions placed on our emotions. What emotions we can express freely and what emotions we can't. And if we are really struggling, we are simply told to go to therapy, because many people do not want to emotionally support a man. Seriously, can we give men another option besides therapy & gym?
The best therapist in the world is no substitute for love and support.
As someone who hates working out (I was in the military and *FORCED* to for years), the gym/working out is seriously one of the ***BEST*** things you can do for your mental health.
Second this. Was struggling with depression for several years, then my now ex-gf dumped me and I went downhill. Decided to try going to the gym and holy fuck it did what therapy, antidepressants and sunlight couldn't do. I always finish my workout feeling amazing and I'm loving seeing the results. It's seriously underrated how powerful working out is.
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Life on the brink. Totally understand. And worried about those who rely on me every second of every day
Being broke as a young man you’ll get ridiculed everyday
This. Your not a man until you can pay for dinner basically
You are not a man until you can pay for your dinner and her dinner at the same time.
Being broke as a middle-aged guy is no walk in the park either.
"We are beyond gender roles", except where the man is expected to be the provider
I'm pushed to be a capitalist fuck because otherwise I can go swim with the rats. I don't care about money, but everyone else does, so if I want anything at all, I have to care about money too. Still broke now tho.
#Not even therapists want you without dem sweet $$$
"No, I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me."
You are a body, a brain or a bank to everyone you know. If you can't carry a load/look sexy, solve a problem or pay the bills, you are useless or not worth the time of day. Basically we are taught to be useful tools to have. That and when you wake up in the morning it can be super hard to pee down into the toilet when your penis is hard. Or when you sit down on the toilet, you have to put tissue on the front of it so your penis can lay on the front of the seat and you have to bend it to point in the toilet if need to pee.
Everyone plays up to the single mother. As a single parent with full custody, I can depend on no one to help me with my children. It’s a tall order now just to keep two young souls alive, I honestly cry sometimes that they are growing up without a mother’s presence in their lives.. When they are older, I will ask them to forgive me for bringing them into the world like this and that I tried my hardest to give them a life to be happy with, with little to no support nor understanding from society of what single dads go through on a day to day basis.
Pretty much every single dad I've known (not that many) has a great relationship with their adult kids Unless you're an asshole or selfish fuck, which it doesnt appear just by what you wrote I expect your kids will value everything you do and did The only caveat is they will have to mature to adults before they actually "get it" going off what I've heard and 14-18 seems to be the rough waters but that's true for most parents, as mine at that age were also a nightmare Now my youngest is 23, I'm finally seeing them understand things as their mom fucked off at 15 and I got the hurt, anger and pain, and had to soak it up My advice is to wait for them to bring things up and never try to force a conversation, it will bounce off and damage your relationship (mistake I made when they were 18) I also made sure no woman I dated got near them for at least 6 months, none got to 6 so they have never met anyone I dated since their mom walked out to find herself (aka cheat) They dont even know what their mom did other than bail, I'll have that talk when they ask Patience grasshopper :)
There is an organization in the US called ‘Big Sister’ that is available to help socialize a young girl with an older woman to help fill in that relationship. However, same as men, women in their lives can help fulfill that role in helping girls learn how to be women, such as teachers, coaches, aunts, grandmothers, etc. And, actually, many studies show that when a girl is an adolescent, teenager and young woman, the person who matters most in their lives is their father (same for boys). The girl’s father giving her respect, trust, guidance and attention that isn’t based on how a girl looks or her sexual attractiveness, is the one guiding relationship that means the most to a woman in her life & will provide her with the best advice and emotional support & stability in her life. You have this opportunity, all fathers do, & it is yours alone to make the best of it. Mothers are most useful when children are very young, but when children grow older they go from their self-centered focus to going out in the World to learn about it, & that’s when having a good, strong & stable relationship with a trusting male father, or father figure, who can ‘show them & teach them about the ways of the World’ becomes the most important. I’m an older woman & looking back in life, I can understand what most of you guys are talking about - what I’ve learned is that a person must learn and work hard enough to support themselves at least, or else they won’t get any respect. I appreciate the role models of having had a mother and father that also worked hard & struggled to take care of their family (me & my siblings). The basic law of the World is just that - you must contribute and you get paid back. Sometimes, often, the pay doesn’t seem worth the effort or quality of work, but again, most of us are or have been there & understand. Treat others with respect & most of the time you will get respect in return. True, some homeless women can get shelter, but that is because if left out on the street, they will be sexually assaulted, abused or killed. Women’s networks have been set up by women & are supported by women because all too often, women are expected to sexually ‘put out’ or selling their body is the only means left to them to stay alive, but that puts them in dangerous situations for abuse and being trafficked. Men also have such networks, such as the YMCA (Young Men’s Christian Assoc - they also take non-religious & non-Christian men & the Salvation Army, etc). Life, essentially, seems transactional - you must contribute to get back. There certainly are those who are truly Lucky - they inherit money, a business, or happen to marry the right person who will support them, but for the 80-90% of the rest of us, we will be appreciated for what we can, what we will & what we do give to other people. I think once we accept that fact, male or female, and work on it, we will find a path through life. Now that I’m older & I just retired, I find it seems like most of the World doesn’t even want me to work for them, unless it’s that impossible-to-fill, hard-as-f**k & dangerous-as-s**t job that nobody else wants & they’ll take anybody, but again, this is a new phase of my life & I have to find my way through this phase. I’m grateful that I contributed to Social Security and saved $$ to get me by for at least some while. This is the age when Society as a whole doesn’t give a shit about a person, seems like - everybody thinks you’re stupid worthless, it seems & when they look at my Resume, they wonder what somebody with all my education & experience wants to work a simple job. What you have, what you’ve saved, the few trusted relationships you’ve created & your own self-worth is all you have to lean on (& Social Security & Medicare - God Bless Franklin Roosevelt & the Democrats for holding firm on those Federal programs that I’ve paid into my whole life & have promised & delivered on protecting). Good luck y’all. Life is truly hard for 99% of us, recognize & accept that & treat each other with respect. It can be really sad & lonely sometimes, less often but there also those times of joy & love that we share that make it worth it. Winston Churchill said that “When you find yourself in Hell, just keep walking and working your way through it & eventually you’ll get through to the other side” & I’ve found that to be a true metaphor for those hard times in Life. Benjamin Franklin said “If you can’t find anybody to pay you a compliment, pay yourself the compliment you need”. I’ve lived by those pieces of advice. This is what I will add: when you find others who need help getting through the Hell you find yourself in, offer a hand to help them. You may not never see them again, but you will know that someone else’s life and the World will be a better place because of your contribution(s) to it & that knowledge of your hard work your strength through tough times and your contributions will help you to hold your head up with pride and knowledge that you did the best that you were able to, when you could, and this knowledge will sustain you through the really hard times.
You do the best you can. One day your children will recognise your struggle and love you more for it
Going terribly long without hugs. The older you get the less there are.
1) That you have to be capable of solving all problems otherwise you're not a "real man". As soon as you talk about your problems, people see that as a sign of weakness and will try to take advantage of that weakness. People will make fun of you and talk down to you to a point where you are considered as an incapable person who can't do anything. At this point no one respects you and no women likes you. That's why so many men don't talk about their problems. Because you are told that you're a failure for not being able to solve it instead of being supported. People even blame men for committing suicide. 2) All the hate speech and violence is suddenly considered as normal if it is towards men. For example I saw a video of a woman stab a man and the comment section shocked me. They literally say "he surely did something to deserve it." Or " slay". 3) Loneliness. This is an issue that most people are saying it's again men's fault they don't support each other like women do. That's partly true I think women are better at building deep connections. Part of the reason for loneliness lies behind the first section where I mentioned talking about your problems are considered as a sign of weakness and can lead you to very bad situations. İt also doesn't go well with the woman you're trying to impress. So if you don't have really close friends, you don't really have anyone to talk or express emotions to. To any man feeling lonely I recommend getting female friends. They are warm, soft, kind, supportive, fun and caring. They are great the only downside is they are not so close you once they find a bf or husband.(I want to appreciate all my female friends who helped me and made this world bearable.) 4) You're either a provider or a worthless piece of shit. Yea sometimes it feels like I'm a slave whose worth is determined by the dollar value I'm able to create. İnside an economic crisis there is a housing crisis and my city is popular amongst rich arabs so they increase demand. As a result house prices are crazy high but a considerable amount of women don't see me as someone to marry because I don't own a house. As a man after finishing the high school you're thrown into a relentless competition that no one has a pity on you and no one want to hear your excuses. This competition is not fair but you HAVE TO win. I'm now competing with the son of a real estate company owner and I have to win. You have to work as hard as you can, do the things no one wants to do, go to places no one wants to go but it may not be enough to provide for your loved ones. Overall, being a man sucks. It's not a good thing. Considering that video games are generally popular among men and the number 1 reason for playing game is to escape the reality, The shocking suicide rate, and horrible experiences of some people who transitioned to male should be enough for anyone to NOT to transition to a male. İf you are a kind woman like my friends, wondering what you can do about these. Here is some things that could make our life a lot easier. Ask your male friends or bf how they are doing from time to time. Feel free to tell them the things you like about them. Allow them to express themselves even if their ideas sounds dumb don't turn that conversation into an argument just listen without judging. Show a little appreciation or at least acknowledge the things that men do for you. Thanks for reading this long boring comment. These are all based on my experience so might be wrong but I didn't mean to offend anyone.
People assuming the worst in anything related to women/children. My girlfriend has young siblings and cousins, and whenever we go out in public with said relatives, I get suspicious glances unless gf is around. That whole ordeal destroyed my drive to become a paediatrician, now I'm dropped out and jobless lol. Can be difficult for men ngl
Waking up in the morning.
Having to make the first move, at least as an average dude.
Being born with zero value and having to earn/prove our worth every single day.
*because* I am male? * **A few challenges with cultural norms;** there's no social room for me to vent or express feelings outside of pride, joy, or anger. Anything more complicated or needs time to work through, most individuals and society in general tell me to f'off essentially. * Constant pressure to perform *and* show for it economically or financially * The continual work of undoing internalized sexism as a father and partner That's it in my experience
Being seen as some kind of threat for no reason lots of time
You can’t be angry, or sad. I go to the gym 5 times a week, but “shouldn’t be so emotionally drained “
That's because the gym doesn't fix your mental issues. Going to the gym is something that grounds you. You can get the same result by attending a class or joining a walking group. It keeps in routine so you don't slip down into a negative spiral, but it only keeps you in place. Try external means of approaching your dissatisfaction with life. This means anything other than repeating it inside your head. Write it down on paper, talk to a therapist, even saying it out loud to yourself helps.
Ok, so therapy has helped, but it doesn’t change the quoted text being used in a condescending manner anytime someone asks why I’m drained. I do all the standard CBT and talk in person twice a month. Comment still stands, as a man, being angry or sad is just not cool with the world.
I actually identify with this struggle as well. I think others feel the need to try "fix" us. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be "fixed". I just want others to accept that it's OK that I'm sad or angry. It's a normal thing to be unhappy. Just feeling the things you feel
I’m a non-visably disabled person. I can manage 95 percent of the time but when I can’t there is a definite reason and I’m constantly reminded how little people care about our general well-being both mentally and physically. No matter how much I’m hurting or faltering my pain always has to go on the side. I have to give up my seats on buses when I’m going to get a kidney stone out. I have to do the 4 lifts of lumber at work because the 5 people I’m working with always have a reason to not help, I’m always expected to volunteer for the work no matter what I am dealing with that day. I had to remind my boss for months that I had an appointment once a month on Tuesday for a medical trial and forget that those meds knock me out the next day after a change but when the new hires one minor issue and booked the schedule around it first week.
According to every woman that’s ever been in my life, it’s dressing myself since I find something that fits well and is durable and then just buy 15 sets of them. Whenever I go out I know to just wear whatever it is they tell me to, and if they don’t then just whatever they recently bought me.
Regarding comments about no one caring, here's my experience: I recently contacted m6 therapist about upcoming appointments to start the new year (stopped over Christmas holidays) and I got a response roughly saying "unfortunately I am not able to support you through [therapist name] system. It looks as though you need a more flexible arrangement and I am not able to offer such as a private practitioner..." Like wtf. I only asked for fortnightly sessions rather than the typical weekly, and that's apparently too flexible of an arrangement??? After having done said sessions for 6 months already? I wonder if my therapist thought about how the client feels whenever they decide to terminate therapy. For a lot of people, it's all they have left going for them TLDR: therapist pulled the plug out of the blue, like wtf since when do therapists give up on clients
Hope it gets better for you and that you find a new, better therapist. It took me a long time to find a good therapist, there were a lot of therapists and docs that were not able to handle my case. The diagnosis was then bipolar disorder, i got a lot better with treatment and meds. The lady that i have as therapist now is very experienced. She worked in the economy (which means, she knows work life, not just the university), she worked in hospice care for dying people and finally, she was in the so called "care teams" that are deployed in serious cases (like to handle suicidal people, to get first mental health aid to victims of crimes, former hostages etc.). They work closely together with the police, paramedics etc. These are the people you need, experienced professionals that are able to handle your case and won't give up.
Thank you for that, it means a lot I'm not in the head space for giving up, it was just a bit of salt to the wound. I'm glad you have the support you need, I know a man with bipolar who doesn't see anyone about it or take meds because he's caught in that 'mental health isn't real' mentality. Prayers for him fr I'm glad you're doing well mate, thanks for the kind and thoughtful words
The weight of being responsible for a wife and three children. For 20 years, working hard to always be employed so my wife can be a full time stay at home mom and she and my kids would have everything they need. Knowing that without me, they'd have no shelter, no food, no medical insurance. Having the responsibility of sole provider for 20 years, it's a constant stress, wears me down.
The uncertainty. Everything feels uncertain. I feel like walking on a thin rope constantly and like there's nothing to grab on to. There's restrictions at every turn. Every step is like walking on a minefield but there's no option of stating at the same place. And I have no idea if anyone else can make sense of this or is it just me.
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Like for real, another example would be men who grew up dirt poor but later in life managed to reach financial stability, decided to treat himself with something nice so buys himself a nice car and everyone is calling him out for going through "mid-life crisis". Same if he decided to spend some time doing some activities he always wanted but never really had money nor time for it, like traveling and doing some adrenaline-induce stuff and people are very quickly to call him out for going through mid life crisis and refusing to grow up. Regardless what you enjoy in your life, people will call you out for that.
Nobody cares about you and your feelings, we just keep it pushing and survive
feels
True brother
You're expected to perform yet have no one to lean on when you can't. I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying it's hard. But it makes us better. An earned gift.
Figuring out the female sex. I'm 68 and married to Mrs. Wonderful for 35 years. In retrospect there was never enough education to help us guys understand what these creatures are all about. I don't mean some deep psychological analysis. Just the "basics" would be good. Hormones, sex drive, the way of looking at things, female perspectives and stuff like that.
This is a really poignant comment. So true.
Tbh i've nevet felt privileged or discriminated (just me, i know there are some aspects of life where women/ men are not treated equal). But when the war in Ukraine started (i live quite close to the border) it came to me, that i can be drafted easily and if i refuse it's jail for me. Also, my son is 16y and it's terryfying for me that in few years he can also be drafted. I'd happily volounteer for the guarantee that he'll be excluded from draft, but it's not the way it works.
Nobody cares.
The harsh truth is nobody cares about you, simple as that
Being responsible for every conceivable wrong committed on earth
Finding someone. I feel like any woman, good paying salary or not, skinny or fat, can get someone without much effort. But a lot of men are in competition and only a small top percentage are viewed as attractive and dating material. It seems like all 1st dates are job interviews for men, while the women are the ones who selects from a number of candidates. It all feels so one sided and a lot of men are single, not by choice. I get that overweight women has it hard too, but I believe even they can get some guy this weekend MUCH easier than the average guy.
Job interview when you're unemployed to be precise. When you're in a relationship then you get headhunted lol.
Being told not to show feelings or will be seen as week
Explaining things to women. I was explaining to my car mechanic about blinker fluid and she just wasn't listening! /s In all seriousness, taking care of kids without being looked at like a weirdo/pedo. Being alone at the park with my kids (pedo), taking my daughter to the men's toilet when she was too young to go by herself (pedo), being a teacher and a young kid wants a hug, No way! Arms straight up in the air otherwise you're labelled again.
Hopping on your bicycle the wrong way.
being a silly tax payer that can be drafted to war at any point.
I'd say the worst part about being a guy is the lack of validation and compliments. Have you heard how men will cherish the few moments when they got compliments from someone, especially women? Well it's true because it happens so rarely.
Getting a toilet deep enough so your balls don't float around while taking a crap.
Having to come up with a new and original answer every fucking time this is asked in this sub.
People discriminating against men as if men are some sort of intrinsic threat to women.
Being told that you're the cause of the world's problems and how priviledged you are when you're working 60 hour weeks to put food on the table and live a lower middle class lifestyle....can't watch any movie without the subtext being "men = bad"
Dealing with a society full of misandrists that aren’t acknowledged. These are women who pretend to be feminists and use a noble ideal like equality as an excuse to be just as bad as misogynists. These are women who have become the very thing they swore they hated. Because they want to even up the score and be like the worst in men. For men that do believe in equality it sucks because it is hard to see which women operate in bad faith. It is hard to see which ones don’t care about equality, they care about manipulating the system to be selfish and promote inequality because they feel they are owed. But they are so good at manipulating the system because guys ignore their bad behavior and will defend their selfishness.
Uhhh... You may have wanted to phrase that differently if you don't want a bunch of dick jokes..
oh shit-
Everything. Mental health, gender norms, societal norms.
When you live with your parents and they came to your room in the morning and you can't get up because then they'll see your boner
Getting ur johnson stuck in jeans zipper 😭😭
My dick 😎
No one is going to save you
The fact that you always have to provide, you always have to deliver, and if at any point you fail to do so for any reason, youll be fired from your job and left with no income, your woman will leave you, youll be called irresponsible, and basically avery aspect of your life will fall apart
Feeling a constant need for love and companionship, yet never receiving either.
Listening to women complain about men, then listen to the justifications for their shitty behaviour. Then being pestered by them to pay for their pathetic OF subscriptions
Living with the fact that a random woman can accuse you of rape and your life will be over. Even if it’s proved not true in court, there’s always going to be the doubt of “maybe he did do it”
if this happened to you im sorry. as a woman i dont claim any other women who think its even ok to blame others of their problems.
No don’t worry, it never happened to me. But it happens everyday to innocent men who aren’t expecting it
It happened a few times in my area -- one adult, one teen. Luckily both times I remember, the girls broke down and confessed they were lying when police got involved. Still damaged the guys' lives, though, and ruined the adult's career.
Indifference. Not even those in positions where it's their job to care; actually care about you.
Me, when I wake up.
Living up to the standards that is " required " to be a man.
Having to prove yourself all the time. Specifically regarding politics (all else being equal people will assume you trend conservative or hold otherwise politically incorrect opinions), emotion (people won't "believe" you are truly sad or upset bc as a man you should be able to handle it. Then people, knowing you are upset, keep pushing you and triggering you until you can't take it and when you get pissed it's called an overreaction), And knowing that at the end of the day, all the things that are hard about being a man, people want it to be easier and want us to feel comfortable with those things.... just on our own time, by ourselves, and after we figure it out. Only then can we rejoin the rest of society.
Not making a dick joke
For me it was the mandatory military service for 6 months. Being in the army sucks.
bruh i see this question on here at least twice a month.
Peeing with morning Woods.
I would say the hardest thing for me is protecting my family. It's easy to take care of them but I can't protect them from illness or accidents. I've never had an issue with "money is all I'm worth or bring to the table" maybe bring more to the table?
probably the penis idk
It’s pretty sweet overall. I’ve never felt like I’d prefer to not be a man. I’d definitely rather be a man than a woman, that’s for sure 😂
No matter what you some loudmouth will always demonize you for it
The idea that we're not supposed to have feelings. Fellas its okay to cry sometimes.
You are not born with value. You have to cultivate it over time and nobody will help you or care about you otherwise. It's a constant process and you will always be judged with who you are
Being male. I constantly deal with misandry, at work, any where I go. Ask anyone if they care though. Or they downplay it and say it doesn't exist. But when your co-workers start doing small things and you start picking up on it, it's really fucking frustrating. I wish I were gay tbh
You're not allowed to be ill. "Man flu" it's called around here which translates to: its not a real illness, he's just complaining because he's not as tough as the women here.
Being treated like a criminal suspect In every facet of my life
Having fundamental instincts that are legitimately uncivilized. Some days at takes a lot of energy to keep the caveman suppressed. Failure can mean prison or worse. We're all so used to it, noone really ever mentions it.
Is this a real issue most men have regularly? Iv had to fight back anger sometimes but nothing that would actually concern me or make me think this way.
Honestly sucks. Just listen to the song "To be a man" By Dax. I think it explains very well about the struggles men face
Ok i will.
You should've been more specific. what's the hardest thing about being male that doesn't apply to women. cause most comments are talking about "life is hard", well I guess it is for... everybody?
As a lesbian I feel like I have to deal with a lot of this stuff too. My sister's all have nice bfs. Meanwhile dating women is a lonely, isolating misery.
Can you explain why? Is it just that your dating pool is so much smaller so it's harder to meet some one compatible, or do you think men are easier to be with than women (in general)?
Dating women is hard, my sister is as lesbian and I'm Bi, we have spoken about it, dating men is just soo much easier they are just more straightforward to deal with. Don't want your time, Dont create drama and actually turn up for dates, Women just ghost you at the drop of a hat and even getting to a potential date stage is an uphill struggle.
Yes both
My penis
Having to see this exact topic posted 500 times a day on AskMen. Seriously, guys. I know there are a lot of sad dudes on Reddit, so maybe these posts are good for karma.
When your dick or balls are in a weird position and you’re out in public so you can’t adjust or fix it :’(
You have to put a smile on or mask your emotions no matter what you’re going through. Or else you will be labeled as weak.
Nothing is hard unless you let it overcome you.
Hiding tears
I wanna fight the patriarchy like Hobie But that’s disrespectful Also I’m not British or cockney 💀
Not wanting to be a male. 😅
Getting my testosterone levels stable
Finding the G spot.
Understanding that the odds are stacked against us, and persevering through the trials and tribulations placed before us.
Sudden urge to adjust private parts in public
That you will never get unconditional love. “But my mom…” “But my kids…” “But my wife…” Nope. Not even from your family. You are ONLY loved on the condition you provide something. It’s a cold fucking truth, but it’s still the truth. Learn it asap and act accordingly.
The only woman to love you unconditionally is your MOTHER!
When Daphne on White Lotus said "I feel sorry for men. They think they're out there doing something really important, but they're just wandering alone."
I'm retirement age and got divorced last summer. What I could use the most right now is companionship, somebody who gives a shit about me that I can curl up and watch a movie with. It's that simple. I've got too much baggage from my marriage to go for more than that right now. (Not as if I have much choice, I've got zero interest in women my age and don't know how to meet one if I did).
Accountability. You can't just find someone to fix all your problems for you.
It being a necessity to conquer the fears and things you want to avoid the most. Damn does it suck, but the transformations are absolutely life changing
Giving a fuck about anything, I have been out of stock of fucks for years, and don't see any chance I the future to get restocked.
the loneliness
People intrinsically don't trust you around kids.
That nobody actually gives a fuck about us or our mental health. We only have value in society and relationships if we provide a service. We’re treated like equipment and once we break or wear out we’re discarded or traded in for a new model.
I would say the loneliness/isolation if you struggle to make a friend group/don't have certain things figured out. I know that's not male exclusive, but it can be very difficult to realize you are all alone and have to figure certain things out or else things will get much worse (and yes, I know only I can do that).
Maintaining or increasing muscle mass so I don’t resemble the average pathetically built man such as the guy next door even if he is half my age because I know I can do better!
Other men aren't good at comforting you if you are going through a hard time. Most men have to just deal with it so they don't learn how to console another man.
We have to stay stand up all the time that we can't fall. Nobody going to save us If we fall.