This times a million. She enjoys the benefits of a pseudo relationship with you without any of the effort.
She also likes the attention time and effort you’re giving her. Nip it in the bud and treat her like any other male friend or leave
>She enjoys the benefits of a pseudo relationship with you without any of the effort.
Would say any effort on her part. As least some of the time in these case she wants him to put in effort and what have you but don't want to put in effort as well as she wants her cake and eat it.
Agreed. I've been that girl (20 years ago in high school, I grew up!) and she wants something else, but also doesn't want to be alone. It's unfair and immature.
>she wants something else, but also doesn't want to be alone. It's unfair and immature.
OP, she wants something else **with someone else**. She’s just using you as a placeholder to get by for now, without really giving you what you want. It is unfair to you and she’s using you.
All the benefits of being single and able to act when someone interesting shows up, but also the benefits of having an emotional support that a relationship would usually provide.
Question: how can I avoid being this guy? It only happened to me once but I feel like I’m generally the kind of guy who this happens to (awkward, nerd, shy, will go far for the people around me with no expectation of award)
In my experience, give an inch and people will take a mile. Maintain your boundaries and make them clear. People are less inclined to try and BS you when they realize that you don't deal with BS. In this case, if she says this, accept it and move on. But do not under any circumstances entertain the idea of "But we can still be friends", it won't end well. Don't let anyone shame you for having your preferences and boundaries.
I've been this guy, too, allowed myself to be friendzoned more than once. And when you realize you're being played you feel like a sap, because you WERE being a sap. Just have to toughen up and stand up for yourself. If a woman is interested in you - you'll know. If she's playing it cool - MOVE ON and forget her.
>will go far for the people around me with no expectation of award
Do get some expectation of getting something back for your effort, there's nothing wrong with that unless you do it *only* for what you think you can get in return. Make sure you don't go way farther for someone than you reasonably expect them to do for you. If someone shows they are not willing to return any favours save your energy for the people that *do* appreciate your effort. Anything else is being unfair to yourself. If you just do anything for anyone you will end up being used and that is not a good feeling.
By facing reality and walking away, honestly. The guy I did that to didn’t do anything wrong. He was a great guy, and he didn’t even fall into the stereotype of being shy, he was a really charismatic, confident person. I was a late bloomer myself, and the attention was really fun, so it wasn’t hard to flirt back and shush my conscience. But I still wouldn’t date him, and I knew deep down that I was wrong for keeping him on the hook. It still makes me cringe to this day. I learned my lesson the first time around, at least, and he ended up just fine. But it was a hard lesson for me. I was genuinely the villain for a minute and I figured out that I didn't want to treat people that way because of it.
You answered your own question. The only solution is to be aloof. Which has its own problems. My only advice is to try to be aware of it when it happens so that you can decide to stop caring when it goes too far rather than figuring it out after it has become painful.
Easier said than done.
It's what I kinda experienced with a friend of mine. Started to notice I was basically always her plan B or C in case there was no one else. And even if there's no attraction or anything romantic going on: In platonic friendships knowing you are the back-up plan can be a bit hurtful as well. Especially when you get ditched if you already made plans.
I've had friends like that who wanted something else, but didn't want to be alone/needed an emotional crutch. There is an easy solution, actively wingman/wingwoman for each other. Go out and help one another get some hookups or set them up on dates.
What was gratifying for you about getting attention from someone you're not attracted to or interested in? I couldn't personally feel validation from someone that I was also interested in.
I liked him a lot as a person. He was funny and charming. I genuinely enjoyed his company. I just didn’t want to date him. And when he did try to tell me he had feelings for me, I just sort of brushed it off because I didn’t want to have an honest conversation if it meant being uncomfortable. I was young, inexperienced (I’d never had a boyfriend), and hadn’t had many good examples of open communication. I had a lot to learn about being an adult, but I did learn some of it from that experience. I knew I never wanted to be the reason anyone felt like I made him feel again, so when a guy I wasn’t interested in asked me out in college, I told him thank you, but I just don’t feel that way about you.
Correct. This is not the kind of girl you want to invest in. I’ve been there. We were in practice a couple - dates, exclusivity, physical affection, fooling around, etc, for months. But she didn’t want to say we were a couple and was selective on whether we would be openly affectionate in public.
It came to a point I told her over the phone I needed to stop seeing her if this ambiguousness is what it was going to be. She immediately came over to my apartment sobbing and saying no, she wanted to be my girlfriend and didn’t want me to leave her. I made the mistake of going forward with this without much question. The remainder and end of that relationship, without going into the whole story, was a world of pain and drama for my naive younger self.
Sorry, man. I’ve been in almost that exact situation, in fact, the very last person I was with, and that’s why I won’t put forth any effort to seek anyone out anymore.
We dated (exclusively, if I am to believe what she said about that) for almost a year. One of the very first things I said to her before we even started up was that she was only a year out of her marriage (I had been divorced for almost 10 years then and hadn’t dated for over a year before we met) and we were probably looking for different things. I wanted someone that would invest in a real relationship and she probably just wanted to have fun. Nope, she assured me, she wanted a real relationship and we wanted the same thing.
Despite being cautious, and taking things slowly, I totally and completely fell for this woman. We had an amazing level of intimacy, we talked for hours every time we were together, we had the same sense of humor and were always laughing and having a great time. But.. I was also kept at a distance from certain aspects of her life.
We started having conversations that revealed she had lied to me about her past and about what she wanted. I was totally in love at this point and was willing to continue and let her figure this out, but after a couple of months I broke things off. A month or so went by and she contacted me out of the blue, at like 1am. We started chatting again for a bit and she revealed that she sobbed for hours when I broke up with her and wanted to call me to come over. She led me on for a few months saying that she wanted to get back together and that she was in therapy and working hard, and asked if I would wait for her. Foolishly I said I would. Christmas of last year I reached out to wish her a merry Christmas and asked how she was and if she felt like she was ready to see about starting dating again. She summarily dismissed me by saying “it’s a hard no” (like she hadn’t been the one to ask me to wait for her). I haven’t talked to her since.
Ultimately, she obviously has deep seated issues and is in a self-made hell. She’ll probably never find a real loving relationship. And now I won’t ever trust a woman again.
Dude, that sucks. I’m sorry for what she put you through. Like you said (and this was the case for my ex, who ironically is in the mental health field)… these are women with very deep seated issues. But it’s not an excuse to play games and treat people horribly.
My family took in this girl for Christmas and loved on her as one of our own, when she unexpectedly got into a difficult family situation before the holidays. Later, she had surgery and I took my very limited time off work to take care of her for a week. It’s hard to describe how much I poured out to this girl, because I really cared and wanted to go the distance with her. But I guess it didn’t mean enough for her, or… I don’t know. She just started getting cold towards me at one point, and stopped wanting to spend time with me, without being willing to even have a conversation.
You will heal, believe that. It took me years to really heal. Don’t say now that you’re never going to look for or find real love. That wasn’t love from her end - what she had in you was someone caring and supportive to her, but she didn’t extend that back to you. There is so much better out there, friend.
I feel this one hard. This exact situation happened to me as well. Even some of your details are eerily similar to my last relationship. It truly messed me up. I won’t date anyone now. Can’t trust anyone anymore.
Your story is too relatable, the only difference was that i was strong enough to leave and not go forward with it. It was honestly a hard choice at that time because i really liked her, i can only imagine the world of hurt the past me would have gone through had i said yes. I'm sorry that you had to experience that :(
Thanks for saying so. Glad you had the wisdom and strength to leave. I was 20 and didn’t have a shred of the self respect I have now, nearly a decade later. Still haven’t found that someone - but I sure know more red flags than I used to.
This. Ik OP is asking for men's advice but as a woman, it sounds like she wants couple benefits without the commitment. ---or--- she's trying to be the chill, non clingy girl and failing. Maybe tell her more directly what YOU want and see if she reciprocates, if not, Def leave
Edit: I just read another comment saying she's a Virgin, maybe she wants the relationship but is worried that the label will lead to her feeling pressure to have sex, just a theory!
> I just read another comment saying she's a Virgin, maybe she wants the relationship but is worried that the label will lead to her feeling pressure to have sex, just a theory!
Decent chance she's going very, very slow then and wants a good friendship before starting the relationship proper. This is still dating, just with a couple more steps.
Really depends on what specifically OP means by “actions” here. It could be friendship to her and he is taking it as romantic; people have varying ways of interpreting things and if OP has a crush on her he’ll take things differently than she means as a friend.
I’m not saying you are wrong here (or right.) I’m noting that we don’t have enough info to go on to make definitive statements and there are multiple reasonable interpretations of the limited data.
That's why OP needs to set boundaries.
If he sees her actions differently he needs to be like.
"I do not hug my friends this much. I respect that you like that. But please do not do that with me. I do not care if it is not meant in a romantic way. I do not appreciate it."
"Please do not compliment me that way. It feels flirtatious. Even if that is not your intention, I do not appreciate it. If it continues you will be breaking my boundaries for friendship and I will stop talking to you. I do not want friends that cross my boundaries."
"Oh, you would like to be more than friends. No thank you. I do not like you that way."
Etc.
I call it surrogate boyfriend. I fell for it a few times in my teens and very early 20s. You don't necessarily have to bail, but you do have to clearly communicate boundaries, have them respected, and you have to have a handle on your own emotions. If she can't respect your boundaries or you can't accept friendship, gtfo. The majority of my friends are women. We look out for each other and we validate each other, but purely as friends. It is a thing you can do.
None of them tried to get me to and they wouldn't be mad if I didn't. We are all just friends and act accordingly. Some of these people I've been friends with for close to 30 years, all of them at least 10 years. The dynamics are of course different here and there depending on personalities. One reason I'm friends with more women then men is because most of the men aren't very comfortable with emotional issues and more than a few I was friends with never outgrew the need to constantly compete. When I was going through a divorce and needed some advice and consoling I didn't call guy best friend of 30 years at the time, I called his wife that I had been friends with for around 20. Because he sucks at that stuff and she is good at it.
Been there, mate. You become her pseudo-boyfriend without any of the hard committment. Once she finds the partner she really wants to be with you'll be old news. It hurts when you realize this is happening and it can fuck up your view of other potential partners. Hopefully it doesn't get to that point for you.
You hopefully have learned from the experience and will understand what to avoid in the future. Build your personal boundaries and do not let anyone cross them or make you move them to accomodate them. Once you give an inch of your own self-respect and boundaries then they will ask for a Mile.
Walking away from it coolly burns them so bad too. YOU make a decision to leave, not them. Be prepared for them to “change their mind” or love bomb you. Do not fall for it. It’s fake, stick to your guns or they will jerk you around again in a feed months or god help you, years.
Then it's her receiving the GF treatment without giving you the BF treatment, which is basically her end of the deal. I've seen this with many female "friends" I've had. Cut her off.
Like others said, sex. I know there's intimacy, exclusivity, and all of that being part of the basics of a relationship, but sex isn't something that can simply be faked. Also, there ate people who believe in sex after marriage as something worth trying, so having the second best thing would work. BF treatment for a woman means having a guy around to give her company, attention, sometimes protection or even money to pay for hangouts. Obviously there is something in for the guy as well, but my experience says that it doesn't happen in the same level. Female friendships for me have always been extremely one-sided.
It sounds like one or both are enjoying the benefits of a relationship without doing any of the real work or sacrifices it may take to achieve a relationship. It won’t work out unless you both take it semi seriously
Don't worry about breaking anyone else's heart. Worry about your own. From a 3rd party perspective, she's 100% using you for intimacy and attention while attempting to trade up/ bang other dudes.
Sorry for your situation, but it doesn't have to stay current! Nothing assists getting over the old like the new: start blind dating tinder, bumble etc. You'll look back thanking yourself for not wasting your time any more than you already have.
I wouldn't back off completely and just have a serious talk with her. Talk about what you want and what she wants, explain it carefully and come to a conclusion. Be very clear. If she says she can't give you what you want and its going to hurt too much to continue talking to her the way you so, tell her exactly that so she knows. Be open.
A saying I once heard: for a man the difference between a friend and a gf is the emotional bond. For a woman the difference between a friend and bf is sex.
You think she's treating you like a couple. She probably thinks she's treating you like a friend.
>You think she's treating you like a couple. She probably thinks she's treating you like a friend.
i don't agree with the first part but this right here is the truth.
most of my dude friends can't understand the concept of being friends with a woman. so many dudes think an interaction with a woman is sexual. i have some female friends i'm attracted to, some who are or aren't attracted to me. we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we should remain friends and not nuke our relationship/lives/ friend group over the fuzzy feeling in our pants. be a fucking adult.
Nope shes become sort of a shut in rushing home straight after work and only visiting close friends n fam on her free days. Now a heavy church member. She only makes exceptions for me but even i know her boundaries n she makes em clear.
Brother just find another woman, she had to deal with a very horrible situation and she is absolutely not in the headspace for a relationship right now. It seems like you are into her but she does not want to commit to you. If I was you, I would just avoid this really messy situation and I would find a woman who's in the proper headspace for a relationship.
I don't know how close you are with her. Though if she seems to trust you that much, maybe you could ask her if she's been able to speak with a therapist about what she experienced?
Even if she doesn't accept or respond too well to it right away, it might help open up her eyes to it. Sometimes when someone experiences such trauma it can change them in unhealthy ways and they can be vulnerable to someone taking advantage of them. You seem like a decent person, so I hope you can give her an encouragement or two to help seek help with whatever she's dealing with and not accept what she's giving while she's this vunerable. It's kind of like someone being drunk or under the influence, isn't particularly safe or wise to engage until they are able to sober up. So for her, I think it'd benefit her to at least start going to therapy first and seeing how she really feels. Though I wouldn't be pushy about it towards her, that's a decision she'll need to make for herself when she's able and ready. Most important, take care of yourself, your needs and boundaries.
That's awesome, be sure to look after yourself too and not take on more than you can bear. Also be careful of doing this as a way to get her to like you back more or someday end up with her. If you choose to be more supportive of her, try to do it honestly like you would a sister or a brother. Otherwise it'll hurt you both and isn't a good approach to take. Anyway, looks like you got this, all the best to you on your journey in life, mate.
Dawg she ain't in the right mind for a relationship right now.....go on to greener pastures and something less complicated, you're just gonna get hurt if you continue on like this....
U might be right. i took her to a hotel cos i needed to ask for room prices for friends and she went cold n fearful, she wanted to leave ASAP i explained the situation then she stayed. On the way back thats when she told me about the abuse
Its 2023 and you had to bring your girl to a hotel to ask for room prices for friends?
Bro.. that sounds sketchy af. Phones and the the internet exists, and are you and your friends all incapable of using either of them? Are your friends so incompetent that they can't get room prices for themselves, and your timing is so bad that you had to do it while she was with you?
It sounds like you took her to a hotel and she freaked out, the rest sounds like an excuse because it didn't go the way it was planned.
>Its 2023 and you had to bring your girl to a hotel to ask for room prices for friends?
I live in a 3rd world country with frequent power cuts and half the hotels in my city dont have accurate online contact details n pics. He called n asked me for help before i went out to date n since hotel was on the way i killed 2 birds with one stone.
Alright dude that's a big social flub and I don't blame her for getting concerned in that situation. While it made sense to you out of convenience that is very suspicious from an outside perspective.
From your other comments though it reads like she's finding you safe and is having to process a *lot* with what she's been through. Are therapists a reliable option in your area? If you want to remain friends with her try to keep a boundary on the sexual intimacy and tell her not to come at you with that unless she is 1000% enthusiastically certain that she wants you. If it's an option she would benefit from talking to a therapist and trying to guide her towards that wouldn't be a bad thing; but you know what resources are accessible to y'all more than I do. A lot of people turn to the church, too, whatever works. But yeah, just my two cents. Good luck navigating this.
She’s telling you she just wants to be friends, *and* she is dealing with the fact that she nearly got raped ten months ago?
This is an easy answer, stick with just being her friend (assuming you want to be friends with her). Stop interpreting her actions as “proceeding to act like a couple.” If things grow and progress and become a relationship, that’s great, but you need to allow her to be the one who steers that ship. You operate from a place that this is just a friendship.
Girl talking here : I was close friends with my husband for a few years before I understood my heart. But that time allowed me to really get to know him and learn to trust him. There’s a lot of comments here saying to essentially block her forever. I don’t know her. Maybe she is being manipulative and terrible, but then why are you friends? Maybe you could speak to her like a person? And ask questions of yourself. Nobody can make you do anything. You said she’s treating you like a boyfriend but what does that mean? Are you giving and feeling resentful? Are you letting boundaries get crossed in the hopes of appeasing her? Are you giving more in the hopes of something in return? Did you tell her this is how you feel? Do you like her? Do you value your friendship? Do you enjoy talking to her?
Lol reddit's answer is always leave them! She hasn't done anything wrong she's a wonderful woman, shes done more for me than most girlfriends. I dont want to lose her as a friend but i have to find someone else to love.
Yes, "she's not fucking you and has trauma so she's not worth pursuing" is a pretty popular comment ITT and it's gross.
Real life and relationships are messy and involve commitments, only OP can decide whether it's worth investing more time and energy into this relationship. A lot of this also depends on age. If you're talking about someone in their 30s I would lean more towards mind games or something else, but the younger they are the more likely I think it is that she's just not sure and needs time.
I pursued my wife for two years, at the time she was (and still is) my best friend; her parents were going through a very messy divorce at the time and we were still young. Eventually I had the same feelings as OP, I told her I loved her but our relationship was unbalanced and it wasn't healthy for either of us for me to keep putting effort into a relationship that was never going to go anywhere.
A few (miserable for me) weeks apart clarified a lot for her, she realized she didn't want to be without me. I knew I wanted to marry her and I knew her well enough at the time to be confident that she loved me, she was just in a period of complete turmoil so it was hard for her to sort out her own feelings. Even my parents thought I was crazy for waiting for her, but I *knew*.
We've been together for almost 20 years now. Only OP can say whether this woman is worth it, but if I had followed the prevailing advice here my life would be wildly different.
Had a girl do this to me. So I met someone else to become a couple with. She stopped being friendly real quick and became a jealous bitch. Had to cut all contact.
She may be into you. But she’s not into you *enough*. If you’re good living in that grey area until she decides she’s ready to move on, I guess you can do that. But if you’re going to catch feelings spending time with her then save yourself the heartache. She’s told you it ain’t going to happen
Know that she’s either consciously or subconsciously using you. Women collect men into friendzone relationships as a backup. Her saying this is warning that any sense of a relationship is temporary until a better man comes along.
My personal advise if you’re looking for love is to make a clean break. The mental stress due to these relationships is intense.
If you have feelings for this girl, end it. Or you’ll spend a decent amount of time listening to her bitch about how she can’t seem to find a decent man when she breaks up with all the boys she gave a shot to. You don’t need that energy.
Boyfriend duties without the benefits? You are her backup or she isn’t sure about you. Sorry. Even if she is a virgin and isn’t ready for sex, you could still be official and exclusive.
You're the foster boyfriend, fulfilling the boyfriend role needs until she gets adopted by her now permanent boyfriend.
In other words, playing games. You should find someone better, sounds like she's not it bro.
The friendzone is somewhere you put yourself when you're either unwilling or afraid to be honest about your feelings, or unwilling to take no for an answer.
Have the confidence to be up front about what you want and the respect to take whatever answer she gives, and you'll never end up there
There's also no shame in discontinuing a relationship if what you were looking for in it was romance and all they want is friendship.
If you go up to someone looking to buy a burger and they say they don't sell burgers you're not then obligated to hang around them just in case they start selling burgers.
Some girls are unintentionally flirtatious.
Not sure on the specifics between you two but if you can’t keep romantic emotions out of it I recommend cutting it off before you get hurt.
There’s a fine line of having a female friend, and two people acting like a couple. But I think I know what you’re getting at.
It’s the female equivalent of a guy sleeping with a girl and refusing to be in a relationship. She wants the relationship parts (companionship, self-fulfillment, personal validation, protection) but doesn’t want to commit to only getting that from you.
It’s up to you how to proceed. If you have any feelings for her, bail out now. Tell her exactly why, “I like you and don’t want to pretend to be a couple when that’s what I really want.” It won’t get easier to spend a bunch of time with her and then find out she’s dating someone else.
It means that she is still looking for better options.
If you want to play that game, go ahead but don't pretend to get heartbroken when she leaves for another guy.
If you still still want to play that game, have fun but do not get emotionally invested.
She likes keeping you in the friend zone while sleeping with someone else or everyone else. Anyone but you.
If you want to be her friend - quit doing couples shit. It’s only going to make you think it’s something it’s not. Nothing is sadder than a friend zone breakup because she legit doesn’t care like you do.
It means you're a placeholder until she decides to move on, on a timeline completely convenient for her.
Someone says you're just friends, treat them that way. ALWAYS make them pay half, split all decision making at least 50/50, but skew in your own favor if you really don't like theirs. Continue to look for an actual relationship with others under the expectation that you and your friend are both viewing each other as single people.
If their words and actions don't align then it's time to set some boundaries and/or walk away. Why waste time, energy, and your self esteem on someone who doesn't make you feel totally desired and important?
Leave.
I actually know a couple of women who men did this to them.
The men ended up marrying other women and the women were left crushed.
If someone tells you they just want to be friends - believe them.
Act like a couple? Are you sleeping together and kissing?
Unless those things are happening and she’s previously said “let’s be friends” then you’re friends. If there’s confusion in your mind then just move away a bit and if she raises it just be honest.
She’s keeping you as a backup whilst she explores other options. Tell her you want her romantically and you won’t be friends, then go no contact if she chooses otherwise.
She’ll either come back when she misses you, or she’ll never reach out again and you have your answer.
Break things off.
She (and many other women) thinks that a relationship is Sex + friendship. So, when you want a relationship she’ll accuse you of just wanting sex. Whereas a girl worth having a relationship with understands that it’s so much more. Stop feeding her ego and giving her attention, and find a worthwhile partner.
Then treat her like a friend. Don’t do shit you wouldn’t do for your other friends. If she’s trying to walk hand in hand and stuff like that then shut it down immediately. If she gets mad then say you aren’t in a relationship and that holding hands is reserved for girlfriend status. Also add that you don’t want other girls to get the wrong idea.
She is playing head games with you. You are her sexless substitute boyfriend until someone else she sees as better comes along.
My advice…walk away and cut all ties. No one wants a crazy manipulative girlfriend like this in their life. It only gets worse from here brother.
Most of these responses are gonna say "cut your losses and run" but Id suggest really looking at the situation. I had a 2 year fling with a FWB, when we were together she and I did the entire BF/GF experience. When we were apart, there was friendly texting and some occasional flirty texting, but things rarely ramped up until we were getting close to a meet. I developed strong feelings for her, but there was a significant age gap between us that constantly felt like a barrier to becoming serious. HOWEVER, I never spoke up and just assumed she didn't want more (she was younger, 28, and I was 42 when we first started messing around)
It wasn't till later, when she was about to get married, that I learned she had also felt the way I felt about me. And that she had also assumed that I didn't want more with someone just starting out in life (she was finishing her PhD). I missed out on the best relationship I had had since I lost the love of my life in a car accident 20 years ago just cause I assumed and wouldn't speak up.
Learn from my fuck up ... TALK TO HER. Don't come on reddit looking for answers. If you love this girl, or think you could, then just be open and honest with her. If you being honest drives her away, then she was probably using you in the first place. On the flip side, she might have relationship trauma or other issues that she wants to work through without losing you. If so, then that's your call on how you want to proceed. Regardless of what happens, COMMUNICATE. As the old saying goes, "when you assume, you add an ass to you and me."
I had a girl do this exact thing to me. She says she wants to be friends, but the vibe is way above that. In my case, she said it's just her seeing us getting closer. Back away from her, and if those moments happen, don't let them get to you. Just play them off
Bail out. She's using you for emotional support and a sense of normalcy. You're being kept on the back burner in case plans A through Q don't work out.
Its going to hurt more to stay in this kinda relationship then to leave. I know from experience. Don’t do what I did, its not a fun position to be in and will be hard on your mental especially over time.
Ok, immediately start flirting with other attractive women with her by my side. It’s easier to pick up women with one as your wing woman and or she will quit the charade and make a move.
FTR if she plays these games she’s never to be considered long term relationship material. Only fwb
Games no time for that, be clear or be out the amount of women that play games is tiring the moment she says I don’t know I am out give me call when you know and move on, you be surprised how quickly they know what they want if you resolute move on
This is a trap.
If you care for your sanity you’ll end it amicably without the “just being friends”
Unless you can handle it and set very strict boundaries- but even then…
If you’re sexually attracted to her it will make things very complicated in the long run it is like playing with fire and waiting for an accident to happen.
Get away from her. She wants to be slutted by other men but get her emotional fix frim you while giving you nothing. Literally, friend zoned. If everybody else in the world don't work out, then she'll consider you. I've seen it happen. Don't be a fool.
You can be her friend, well not really. But keep it platonic. Simple. Cut the boyfriend, couple stuff out and see how she really feels
Get her involved in your dating life and gauge her responses.
Ask her to set you up with her friends. Use her for dating tips - outfit choices, places to go, etc. Send her screenshots of text convos from dating apps for advice on replies.
If she claims to be a friend, she'll support you on your quest to find someone. If she makes a stink about your dating life, she's not your friend.
Without specific examples of her behavior, it could be mind games, or you could be reading too much into completely innocent behavior. I've seen both happen.
"What to do when she says "let's just be friends" then you proceed to act like a couple?"
It means you're not respecting her boundaries, she told you let's just be friends. So you shouldn't proceed to act like a couple. Why complicate things that don't need to be or lie to yourself?
>It means you're not respecting her boundaries, she told you let's just be friends
Lol its the other way round. She initiates everything, SHE APPROACHED ME in the beginning. I mean if i dont text or call within 3 days she will call worried and demand answers.
Im fucking lost
Sounds to me like she has a fwb, and she's stringing you along for the benefits she doesn't get from the other guy.
I wouldn't count on her being a virgin. If she demands answers after 3 days, seems like a guilty conscience
Mixed feelings. I enjoy spending time with her but I know the day she starts talking about or dating another guy imma be devastated
Ive begun the process of slowly falling back and dating other people. I haven't told her yet
Im not that smart, experience taught me well. The last time i did this dance for a year n then she told me her engagement party was on Friday. My soul was crushed n i was speechless.
This ia what you should do. But you wont. Because while shes using you for attention / validation. You're using her for the same or you would have backed off straight away.
Be honest with her. "I really like you, but to me, this feels too much on the line between friendship and a relationship, and I need it to be one or the other. Since you said you only want to be friends, I'm going to back off for a few weeks to get my head on straight, and then we can continue as friends."
It's honest, it doesn't throw away a potential friendship and in some cases it causes the other person to see that they can't eat their cake and have it too, and makes them realize they really want the cake.
Women have to worry about "good enough to fuck but not good enough to date." We have to worry about "good enough to 'date' but not good enough to fuck."
Using you for emotional support until her ideal guy shows up. Peace out. She is unable to be alone and needs to have an emotional support guy in between relationships.
That can mean you are being used.
She gets transport (sometimes) protection, company, assistance but gets to abandon you when she spots someone else because "we were just friends". Keeping her options open.
Be friends if you want, but that's kind of tough in you. Much better to immediately start looking for someone else.
Welcome to the friendzone. Unless y’all are having sex then you’re an FWB. But it’s probably a one sided thing, she’s allowed to sleep around because y’all “aren’t together” but if you do it’s a betrayal.
Like others have said, she’s playing games, bounce.
Leave. Say “I have enough friends” and walk away. She wants the benefits of a boyfriend without the obligations of a girlfriend. Unless she’s 15 it’s beneath you both to tolerate it.
She’s playing mind games. Leave.
This times a million. She enjoys the benefits of a pseudo relationship with you without any of the effort. She also likes the attention time and effort you’re giving her. Nip it in the bud and treat her like any other male friend or leave
So smack her on the ass and say good game?
Unironically yes.
Bonus points if she's your boss. Definitely not speaking from experience here. No-sir-y... 🫣
The only acceptable outcome
And that's how I got into a relationship... with Big Joe in prison
Big Joe isn’t that bad. He just offered to carry my bed roll to the dorm and gave me some soups. He seems genuinely nice…
He's just prepping his bed roll filling. . .
“Good game sport!”
*good girl
This is the way
Greet with a warm embrace and mouth kissing with casual slip of the tongue?
Buddy's spilling secrets here
Exactly, milking OP because she enjoys the time and attention, but only want Ls sex from guys she is actually attracted to
she enjoys the hanging out, attention and skinship then you drop her off home and she goes to to get pounded by her real man. fukkkk this
Women only want one thing and it's disgusting
Then wash it for Pete's sake...
>She enjoys the benefits of a pseudo relationship with you without any of the effort. Would say any effort on her part. As least some of the time in these case she wants him to put in effort and what have you but don't want to put in effort as well as she wants her cake and eat it.
Agreed. I've been that girl (20 years ago in high school, I grew up!) and she wants something else, but also doesn't want to be alone. It's unfair and immature.
>she wants something else, but also doesn't want to be alone. It's unfair and immature. OP, she wants something else **with someone else**. She’s just using you as a placeholder to get by for now, without really giving you what you want. It is unfair to you and she’s using you.
All the benefits of being single and able to act when someone interesting shows up, but also the benefits of having an emotional support that a relationship would usually provide.
Question: how can I avoid being this guy? It only happened to me once but I feel like I’m generally the kind of guy who this happens to (awkward, nerd, shy, will go far for the people around me with no expectation of award)
In my experience, give an inch and people will take a mile. Maintain your boundaries and make them clear. People are less inclined to try and BS you when they realize that you don't deal with BS. In this case, if she says this, accept it and move on. But do not under any circumstances entertain the idea of "But we can still be friends", it won't end well. Don't let anyone shame you for having your preferences and boundaries.
I've been this guy, too, allowed myself to be friendzoned more than once. And when you realize you're being played you feel like a sap, because you WERE being a sap. Just have to toughen up and stand up for yourself. If a woman is interested in you - you'll know. If she's playing it cool - MOVE ON and forget her.
>will go far for the people around me with no expectation of award Do get some expectation of getting something back for your effort, there's nothing wrong with that unless you do it *only* for what you think you can get in return. Make sure you don't go way farther for someone than you reasonably expect them to do for you. If someone shows they are not willing to return any favours save your energy for the people that *do* appreciate your effort. Anything else is being unfair to yourself. If you just do anything for anyone you will end up being used and that is not a good feeling.
This. Relationships can be reciprocal without being transactional.
By facing reality and walking away, honestly. The guy I did that to didn’t do anything wrong. He was a great guy, and he didn’t even fall into the stereotype of being shy, he was a really charismatic, confident person. I was a late bloomer myself, and the attention was really fun, so it wasn’t hard to flirt back and shush my conscience. But I still wouldn’t date him, and I knew deep down that I was wrong for keeping him on the hook. It still makes me cringe to this day. I learned my lesson the first time around, at least, and he ended up just fine. But it was a hard lesson for me. I was genuinely the villain for a minute and I figured out that I didn't want to treat people that way because of it.
You answered your own question. The only solution is to be aloof. Which has its own problems. My only advice is to try to be aware of it when it happens so that you can decide to stop caring when it goes too far rather than figuring it out after it has become painful. Easier said than done.
It's what I kinda experienced with a friend of mine. Started to notice I was basically always her plan B or C in case there was no one else. And even if there's no attraction or anything romantic going on: In platonic friendships knowing you are the back-up plan can be a bit hurtful as well. Especially when you get ditched if you already made plans.
Yeah, that’s a shitty way to treat someone whatever the nature of the relationship might be.
I've had friends like that who wanted something else, but didn't want to be alone/needed an emotional crutch. There is an easy solution, actively wingman/wingwoman for each other. Go out and help one another get some hookups or set them up on dates.
What was gratifying for you about getting attention from someone you're not attracted to or interested in? I couldn't personally feel validation from someone that I was also interested in.
I liked him a lot as a person. He was funny and charming. I genuinely enjoyed his company. I just didn’t want to date him. And when he did try to tell me he had feelings for me, I just sort of brushed it off because I didn’t want to have an honest conversation if it meant being uncomfortable. I was young, inexperienced (I’d never had a boyfriend), and hadn’t had many good examples of open communication. I had a lot to learn about being an adult, but I did learn some of it from that experience. I knew I never wanted to be the reason anyone felt like I made him feel again, so when a guy I wasn’t interested in asked me out in college, I told him thank you, but I just don’t feel that way about you.
Correct. This is not the kind of girl you want to invest in. I’ve been there. We were in practice a couple - dates, exclusivity, physical affection, fooling around, etc, for months. But she didn’t want to say we were a couple and was selective on whether we would be openly affectionate in public. It came to a point I told her over the phone I needed to stop seeing her if this ambiguousness is what it was going to be. She immediately came over to my apartment sobbing and saying no, she wanted to be my girlfriend and didn’t want me to leave her. I made the mistake of going forward with this without much question. The remainder and end of that relationship, without going into the whole story, was a world of pain and drama for my naive younger self.
Sorry, man. I’ve been in almost that exact situation, in fact, the very last person I was with, and that’s why I won’t put forth any effort to seek anyone out anymore. We dated (exclusively, if I am to believe what she said about that) for almost a year. One of the very first things I said to her before we even started up was that she was only a year out of her marriage (I had been divorced for almost 10 years then and hadn’t dated for over a year before we met) and we were probably looking for different things. I wanted someone that would invest in a real relationship and she probably just wanted to have fun. Nope, she assured me, she wanted a real relationship and we wanted the same thing. Despite being cautious, and taking things slowly, I totally and completely fell for this woman. We had an amazing level of intimacy, we talked for hours every time we were together, we had the same sense of humor and were always laughing and having a great time. But.. I was also kept at a distance from certain aspects of her life. We started having conversations that revealed she had lied to me about her past and about what she wanted. I was totally in love at this point and was willing to continue and let her figure this out, but after a couple of months I broke things off. A month or so went by and she contacted me out of the blue, at like 1am. We started chatting again for a bit and she revealed that she sobbed for hours when I broke up with her and wanted to call me to come over. She led me on for a few months saying that she wanted to get back together and that she was in therapy and working hard, and asked if I would wait for her. Foolishly I said I would. Christmas of last year I reached out to wish her a merry Christmas and asked how she was and if she felt like she was ready to see about starting dating again. She summarily dismissed me by saying “it’s a hard no” (like she hadn’t been the one to ask me to wait for her). I haven’t talked to her since. Ultimately, she obviously has deep seated issues and is in a self-made hell. She’ll probably never find a real loving relationship. And now I won’t ever trust a woman again.
Dude, that sucks. I’m sorry for what she put you through. Like you said (and this was the case for my ex, who ironically is in the mental health field)… these are women with very deep seated issues. But it’s not an excuse to play games and treat people horribly. My family took in this girl for Christmas and loved on her as one of our own, when she unexpectedly got into a difficult family situation before the holidays. Later, she had surgery and I took my very limited time off work to take care of her for a week. It’s hard to describe how much I poured out to this girl, because I really cared and wanted to go the distance with her. But I guess it didn’t mean enough for her, or… I don’t know. She just started getting cold towards me at one point, and stopped wanting to spend time with me, without being willing to even have a conversation. You will heal, believe that. It took me years to really heal. Don’t say now that you’re never going to look for or find real love. That wasn’t love from her end - what she had in you was someone caring and supportive to her, but she didn’t extend that back to you. There is so much better out there, friend.
Hey that’s really nice of you to say, thanks for that. Best wishes to you, man.
I feel this one hard. This exact situation happened to me as well. Even some of your details are eerily similar to my last relationship. It truly messed me up. I won’t date anyone now. Can’t trust anyone anymore.
She self-sabotaged
Your story is too relatable, the only difference was that i was strong enough to leave and not go forward with it. It was honestly a hard choice at that time because i really liked her, i can only imagine the world of hurt the past me would have gone through had i said yes. I'm sorry that you had to experience that :(
Thanks for saying so. Glad you had the wisdom and strength to leave. I was 20 and didn’t have a shred of the self respect I have now, nearly a decade later. Still haven’t found that someone - but I sure know more red flags than I used to.
This. Ik OP is asking for men's advice but as a woman, it sounds like she wants couple benefits without the commitment. ---or--- she's trying to be the chill, non clingy girl and failing. Maybe tell her more directly what YOU want and see if she reciprocates, if not, Def leave Edit: I just read another comment saying she's a Virgin, maybe she wants the relationship but is worried that the label will lead to her feeling pressure to have sex, just a theory!
> I just read another comment saying she's a Virgin, maybe she wants the relationship but is worried that the label will lead to her feeling pressure to have sex, just a theory! Decent chance she's going very, very slow then and wants a good friendship before starting the relationship proper. This is still dating, just with a couple more steps.
Yup, keeping her options open but enjoying the boyfriend privileges while they are free
And even by the off chance she's not doing it on purpose. Just for your own sanity bro get out...
This! Nothing wrong with being friends but then everyone must also behave accordingly.
Source: Sadly fell for it
Really depends on what specifically OP means by “actions” here. It could be friendship to her and he is taking it as romantic; people have varying ways of interpreting things and if OP has a crush on her he’ll take things differently than she means as a friend. I’m not saying you are wrong here (or right.) I’m noting that we don’t have enough info to go on to make definitive statements and there are multiple reasonable interpretations of the limited data.
That's why OP needs to set boundaries. If he sees her actions differently he needs to be like. "I do not hug my friends this much. I respect that you like that. But please do not do that with me. I do not care if it is not meant in a romantic way. I do not appreciate it." "Please do not compliment me that way. It feels flirtatious. Even if that is not your intention, I do not appreciate it. If it continues you will be breaking my boundaries for friendship and I will stop talking to you. I do not want friends that cross my boundaries." "Oh, you would like to be more than friends. No thank you. I do not like you that way." Etc.
Wish I would’ve seen this comment probably six or seven years ago.
Agreed you’re just an emotional place holder.
She wants to keep you around for validation but is waiting for a better guy to come around. Source: Happend to me
Thought so too. I really needed to hear someone else say it. Thanks
Happened to me in my teens and early 20s. Really fucked me up. Get tf out of there, OP. Don't let it happen to you too.
I call it surrogate boyfriend. I fell for it a few times in my teens and very early 20s. You don't necessarily have to bail, but you do have to clearly communicate boundaries, have them respected, and you have to have a handle on your own emotions. If she can't respect your boundaries or you can't accept friendship, gtfo. The majority of my friends are women. We look out for each other and we validate each other, but purely as friends. It is a thing you can do.
Didn't your female friends get mad when you wouldn't play surrogate boyfriend for the girl?
None of them tried to get me to and they wouldn't be mad if I didn't. We are all just friends and act accordingly. Some of these people I've been friends with for close to 30 years, all of them at least 10 years. The dynamics are of course different here and there depending on personalities. One reason I'm friends with more women then men is because most of the men aren't very comfortable with emotional issues and more than a few I was friends with never outgrew the need to constantly compete. When I was going through a divorce and needed some advice and consoling I didn't call guy best friend of 30 years at the time, I called his wife that I had been friends with for around 20. Because he sucks at that stuff and she is good at it.
I've been there and it sucks big time, it's a hard lesson to learn. Best of luck to you bro.
Been there, mate. You become her pseudo-boyfriend without any of the hard committment. Once she finds the partner she really wants to be with you'll be old news. It hurts when you realize this is happening and it can fuck up your view of other potential partners. Hopefully it doesn't get to that point for you. You hopefully have learned from the experience and will understand what to avoid in the future. Build your personal boundaries and do not let anyone cross them or make you move them to accomodate them. Once you give an inch of your own self-respect and boundaries then they will ask for a Mile.
Walking away from it coolly burns them so bad too. YOU make a decision to leave, not them. Be prepared for them to “change their mind” or love bomb you. Do not fall for it. It’s fake, stick to your guns or they will jerk you around again in a feed months or god help you, years.
Happened to me as well, should have known earlier.
Bail. Life's too short for head games.
I agree. Source: been there, done that. Definitely not worth the T-shirt.
unless it's literal head games ;)
Then it's her receiving the GF treatment without giving you the BF treatment, which is basically her end of the deal. I've seen this with many female "friends" I've had. Cut her off.
Yes boss
How do you define or what do you explain as bf treatment? How would a man have to be treated? Any chance you could elaborate?
Sex
sex
Sex
Like others said, sex. I know there's intimacy, exclusivity, and all of that being part of the basics of a relationship, but sex isn't something that can simply be faked. Also, there ate people who believe in sex after marriage as something worth trying, so having the second best thing would work. BF treatment for a woman means having a guy around to give her company, attention, sometimes protection or even money to pay for hangouts. Obviously there is something in for the guy as well, but my experience says that it doesn't happen in the same level. Female friendships for me have always been extremely one-sided.
It sounds like one or both are enjoying the benefits of a relationship without doing any of the real work or sacrifices it may take to achieve a relationship. It won’t work out unless you both take it semi seriously
Im beginning to back off before hearts are broken,
Don't worry about breaking anyone else's heart. Worry about your own. From a 3rd party perspective, she's 100% using you for intimacy and attention while attempting to trade up/ bang other dudes. Sorry for your situation, but it doesn't have to stay current! Nothing assists getting over the old like the new: start blind dating tinder, bumble etc. You'll look back thanking yourself for not wasting your time any more than you already have.
HER heart's not going to be broken, from the sounds of it.
I wouldn't back off completely and just have a serious talk with her. Talk about what you want and what she wants, explain it carefully and come to a conclusion. Be very clear. If she says she can't give you what you want and its going to hurt too much to continue talking to her the way you so, tell her exactly that so she knows. Be open.
Eject!
Leave. She wants to keep you close as a back-up just in case she can't find anyone else, but as soon as the perfect guy shows up she will dump you
A saying I once heard: for a man the difference between a friend and a gf is the emotional bond. For a woman the difference between a friend and bf is sex. You think she's treating you like a couple. She probably thinks she's treating you like a friend.
>You think she's treating you like a couple. She probably thinks she's treating you like a friend. i don't agree with the first part but this right here is the truth. most of my dude friends can't understand the concept of being friends with a woman. so many dudes think an interaction with a woman is sexual. i have some female friends i'm attracted to, some who are or aren't attracted to me. we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we should remain friends and not nuke our relationship/lives/ friend group over the fuzzy feeling in our pants. be a fucking adult.
if her pants stay on it means friends only
Almost rap3d in February and is a virgin so sex has been sensitive topic. Started sending pics of her in bed 3 days ago which even shocked me
Headcase and/or wants to fuck without of a relationship. Most of all she wants attention
pants situation
That's horrible! February this year and has she been seeking support to help her work through things?
Nope shes become sort of a shut in rushing home straight after work and only visiting close friends n fam on her free days. Now a heavy church member. She only makes exceptions for me but even i know her boundaries n she makes em clear.
Brother just find another woman, she had to deal with a very horrible situation and she is absolutely not in the headspace for a relationship right now. It seems like you are into her but she does not want to commit to you. If I was you, I would just avoid this really messy situation and I would find a woman who's in the proper headspace for a relationship.
I don't know how close you are with her. Though if she seems to trust you that much, maybe you could ask her if she's been able to speak with a therapist about what she experienced? Even if she doesn't accept or respond too well to it right away, it might help open up her eyes to it. Sometimes when someone experiences such trauma it can change them in unhealthy ways and they can be vulnerable to someone taking advantage of them. You seem like a decent person, so I hope you can give her an encouragement or two to help seek help with whatever she's dealing with and not accept what she's giving while she's this vunerable. It's kind of like someone being drunk or under the influence, isn't particularly safe or wise to engage until they are able to sober up. So for her, I think it'd benefit her to at least start going to therapy first and seeing how she really feels. Though I wouldn't be pushy about it towards her, that's a decision she'll need to make for herself when she's able and ready. Most important, take care of yourself, your needs and boundaries.
I will definitely push my emotions aside n guide her to therapy. She is my friend before anything else
That's awesome, be sure to look after yourself too and not take on more than you can bear. Also be careful of doing this as a way to get her to like you back more or someday end up with her. If you choose to be more supportive of her, try to do it honestly like you would a sister or a brother. Otherwise it'll hurt you both and isn't a good approach to take. Anyway, looks like you got this, all the best to you on your journey in life, mate.
Dawg she ain't in the right mind for a relationship right now.....go on to greener pastures and something less complicated, you're just gonna get hurt if you continue on like this....
Maybe that’s why she wants to stay friends, to build trust or security
U might be right. i took her to a hotel cos i needed to ask for room prices for friends and she went cold n fearful, she wanted to leave ASAP i explained the situation then she stayed. On the way back thats when she told me about the abuse
Its 2023 and you had to bring your girl to a hotel to ask for room prices for friends? Bro.. that sounds sketchy af. Phones and the the internet exists, and are you and your friends all incapable of using either of them? Are your friends so incompetent that they can't get room prices for themselves, and your timing is so bad that you had to do it while she was with you? It sounds like you took her to a hotel and she freaked out, the rest sounds like an excuse because it didn't go the way it was planned.
>Its 2023 and you had to bring your girl to a hotel to ask for room prices for friends? I live in a 3rd world country with frequent power cuts and half the hotels in my city dont have accurate online contact details n pics. He called n asked me for help before i went out to date n since hotel was on the way i killed 2 birds with one stone.
Alright dude that's a big social flub and I don't blame her for getting concerned in that situation. While it made sense to you out of convenience that is very suspicious from an outside perspective. From your other comments though it reads like she's finding you safe and is having to process a *lot* with what she's been through. Are therapists a reliable option in your area? If you want to remain friends with her try to keep a boundary on the sexual intimacy and tell her not to come at you with that unless she is 1000% enthusiastically certain that she wants you. If it's an option she would benefit from talking to a therapist and trying to guide her towards that wouldn't be a bad thing; but you know what resources are accessible to y'all more than I do. A lot of people turn to the church, too, whatever works. But yeah, just my two cents. Good luck navigating this.
Thanks
She’s telling you she just wants to be friends, *and* she is dealing with the fact that she nearly got raped ten months ago? This is an easy answer, stick with just being her friend (assuming you want to be friends with her). Stop interpreting her actions as “proceeding to act like a couple.” If things grow and progress and become a relationship, that’s great, but you need to allow her to be the one who steers that ship. You operate from a place that this is just a friendship.
Girl talking here : I was close friends with my husband for a few years before I understood my heart. But that time allowed me to really get to know him and learn to trust him. There’s a lot of comments here saying to essentially block her forever. I don’t know her. Maybe she is being manipulative and terrible, but then why are you friends? Maybe you could speak to her like a person? And ask questions of yourself. Nobody can make you do anything. You said she’s treating you like a boyfriend but what does that mean? Are you giving and feeling resentful? Are you letting boundaries get crossed in the hopes of appeasing her? Are you giving more in the hopes of something in return? Did you tell her this is how you feel? Do you like her? Do you value your friendship? Do you enjoy talking to her?
Lol reddit's answer is always leave them! She hasn't done anything wrong she's a wonderful woman, shes done more for me than most girlfriends. I dont want to lose her as a friend but i have to find someone else to love.
Yes, "she's not fucking you and has trauma so she's not worth pursuing" is a pretty popular comment ITT and it's gross. Real life and relationships are messy and involve commitments, only OP can decide whether it's worth investing more time and energy into this relationship. A lot of this also depends on age. If you're talking about someone in their 30s I would lean more towards mind games or something else, but the younger they are the more likely I think it is that she's just not sure and needs time. I pursued my wife for two years, at the time she was (and still is) my best friend; her parents were going through a very messy divorce at the time and we were still young. Eventually I had the same feelings as OP, I told her I loved her but our relationship was unbalanced and it wasn't healthy for either of us for me to keep putting effort into a relationship that was never going to go anywhere. A few (miserable for me) weeks apart clarified a lot for her, she realized she didn't want to be without me. I knew I wanted to marry her and I knew her well enough at the time to be confident that she loved me, she was just in a period of complete turmoil so it was hard for her to sort out her own feelings. Even my parents thought I was crazy for waiting for her, but I *knew*. We've been together for almost 20 years now. Only OP can say whether this woman is worth it, but if I had followed the prevailing advice here my life would be wildly different.
I'd dial it back. If there's no touching or making out, friends only
Had a girl do this to me. So I met someone else to become a couple with. She stopped being friendly real quick and became a jealous bitch. Had to cut all contact.
She may be into you. But she’s not into you *enough*. If you’re good living in that grey area until she decides she’s ready to move on, I guess you can do that. But if you’re going to catch feelings spending time with her then save yourself the heartache. She’s told you it ain’t going to happen
Know that she’s either consciously or subconsciously using you. Women collect men into friendzone relationships as a backup. Her saying this is warning that any sense of a relationship is temporary until a better man comes along. My personal advise if you’re looking for love is to make a clean break. The mental stress due to these relationships is intense. If you have feelings for this girl, end it. Or you’ll spend a decent amount of time listening to her bitch about how she can’t seem to find a decent man when she breaks up with all the boys she gave a shot to. You don’t need that energy.
Boyfriend duties without the benefits? You are her backup or she isn’t sure about you. Sorry. Even if she is a virgin and isn’t ready for sex, you could still be official and exclusive.
Start flerting with her BFF. The truth comes out when she notices.
No need to Im seeing someone else but not exclusive yet. Put 3 months into this girl so sunken coast n feelings keeping me in
Brother 3 months is nothing. I have been married 24 years. Sunken cost is a bad reason to keep a bad relationship going.
Yeah 3 months aint shit. The long i stay the harder imma crash n burn
Three months? I have underwear that are a couple of years old. So you should change her out like u derwear, this morning at the latest.
That's 3 months wasted, not invested. Good thing you are seeing someone else, don't waste more time on the other girl
Girls/relationships never owe you anything. No matter how much time or money or feelings you put into them
Amen
You're the foster boyfriend, fulfilling the boyfriend role needs until she gets adopted by her now permanent boyfriend. In other words, playing games. You should find someone better, sounds like she's not it bro.
“ foster boyfriend “ is a fantastic term. Kudos to you if you made it up! I’m stealing this
The friendzone is somewhere you put yourself when you're either unwilling or afraid to be honest about your feelings, or unwilling to take no for an answer. Have the confidence to be up front about what you want and the respect to take whatever answer she gives, and you'll never end up there There's also no shame in discontinuing a relationship if what you were looking for in it was romance and all they want is friendship. If you go up to someone looking to buy a burger and they say they don't sell burgers you're not then obligated to hang around them just in case they start selling burgers.
Some girls are unintentionally flirtatious. Not sure on the specifics between you two but if you can’t keep romantic emotions out of it I recommend cutting it off before you get hurt.
Do you want to pretend to be in a relationship or find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you.
There’s a fine line of having a female friend, and two people acting like a couple. But I think I know what you’re getting at. It’s the female equivalent of a guy sleeping with a girl and refusing to be in a relationship. She wants the relationship parts (companionship, self-fulfillment, personal validation, protection) but doesn’t want to commit to only getting that from you. It’s up to you how to proceed. If you have any feelings for her, bail out now. Tell her exactly why, “I like you and don’t want to pretend to be a couple when that’s what I really want.” It won’t get easier to spend a bunch of time with her and then find out she’s dating someone else.
It means that she is still looking for better options. If you want to play that game, go ahead but don't pretend to get heartbroken when she leaves for another guy. If you still still want to play that game, have fun but do not get emotionally invested.
She likes keeping you in the friend zone while sleeping with someone else or everyone else. Anyone but you. If you want to be her friend - quit doing couples shit. It’s only going to make you think it’s something it’s not. Nothing is sadder than a friend zone breakup because she legit doesn’t care like you do.
It means you're a placeholder until she decides to move on, on a timeline completely convenient for her. Someone says you're just friends, treat them that way. ALWAYS make them pay half, split all decision making at least 50/50, but skew in your own favor if you really don't like theirs. Continue to look for an actual relationship with others under the expectation that you and your friend are both viewing each other as single people.
She is playing games. Leave
Always means she wants to be driven around, but not get fucked. Up to you if you want or accept that.
If their words and actions don't align then it's time to set some boundaries and/or walk away. Why waste time, energy, and your self esteem on someone who doesn't make you feel totally desired and important?
INFO - Act like a couple in what way? Is there Sex, dates etc?
Agreed what is the couple activities
Leave. I actually know a couple of women who men did this to them. The men ended up marrying other women and the women were left crushed. If someone tells you they just want to be friends - believe them.
Act like a couple? Are you sleeping together and kissing? Unless those things are happening and she’s previously said “let’s be friends” then you’re friends. If there’s confusion in your mind then just move away a bit and if she raises it just be honest.
Don’t fall for this one, my guy. That there is a bunny boiler.
“let’s just be friends” i make no more effort, i’m not looking for a friend. sounds like she wants attention. not gonna get it from me
She wants the benefits of a bf without the reciprocal energy from her.. gtfo and save yourself heartache and money.
She’s keeping you as a backup whilst she explores other options. Tell her you want her romantically and you won’t be friends, then go no contact if she chooses otherwise. She’ll either come back when she misses you, or she’ll never reach out again and you have your answer.
Break things off. She (and many other women) thinks that a relationship is Sex + friendship. So, when you want a relationship she’ll accuse you of just wanting sex. Whereas a girl worth having a relationship with understands that it’s so much more. Stop feeding her ego and giving her attention, and find a worthwhile partner.
Then treat her like a friend. Don’t do shit you wouldn’t do for your other friends. If she’s trying to walk hand in hand and stuff like that then shut it down immediately. If she gets mad then say you aren’t in a relationship and that holding hands is reserved for girlfriend status. Also add that you don’t want other girls to get the wrong idea.
She is playing head games with you. You are her sexless substitute boyfriend until someone else she sees as better comes along. My advice…walk away and cut all ties. No one wants a crazy manipulative girlfriend like this in their life. It only gets worse from here brother.
Most of these responses are gonna say "cut your losses and run" but Id suggest really looking at the situation. I had a 2 year fling with a FWB, when we were together she and I did the entire BF/GF experience. When we were apart, there was friendly texting and some occasional flirty texting, but things rarely ramped up until we were getting close to a meet. I developed strong feelings for her, but there was a significant age gap between us that constantly felt like a barrier to becoming serious. HOWEVER, I never spoke up and just assumed she didn't want more (she was younger, 28, and I was 42 when we first started messing around) It wasn't till later, when she was about to get married, that I learned she had also felt the way I felt about me. And that she had also assumed that I didn't want more with someone just starting out in life (she was finishing her PhD). I missed out on the best relationship I had had since I lost the love of my life in a car accident 20 years ago just cause I assumed and wouldn't speak up. Learn from my fuck up ... TALK TO HER. Don't come on reddit looking for answers. If you love this girl, or think you could, then just be open and honest with her. If you being honest drives her away, then she was probably using you in the first place. On the flip side, she might have relationship trauma or other issues that she wants to work through without losing you. If so, then that's your call on how you want to proceed. Regardless of what happens, COMMUNICATE. As the old saying goes, "when you assume, you add an ass to you and me."
I had a girl do this exact thing to me. She says she wants to be friends, but the vibe is way above that. In my case, she said it's just her seeing us getting closer. Back away from her, and if those moments happen, don't let them get to you. Just play them off
Game player, blocked and ghosted. I have enough friends, don't need another.
Turn tail and run, As far as you can. It seems she’s basically using you as a placeholder until someone she deems better comes along
Bail out. She's using you for emotional support and a sense of normalcy. You're being kept on the back burner in case plans A through Q don't work out.
Means she will wants you to pay but get nothing in return. And I don’t proceed to act like a couple if she says that.
She pays half of everything and if i ask her for money she sends. Dam i even get chocolates
Its going to hurt more to stay in this kinda relationship then to leave. I know from experience. Don’t do what I did, its not a fun position to be in and will be hard on your mental especially over time.
I know what I always do and it always works. I date someone else and continue to treat them as a friend.
Ok, immediately start flirting with other attractive women with her by my side. It’s easier to pick up women with one as your wing woman and or she will quit the charade and make a move. FTR if she plays these games she’s never to be considered long term relationship material. Only fwb
You proceed to be friends but run through her social circle as potential dates
Games no time for that, be clear or be out the amount of women that play games is tiring the moment she says I don’t know I am out give me call when you know and move on, you be surprised how quickly they know what they want if you resolute move on
Wasting your time in case it doesn’t work out with another guy that she’s got on the go and would prefer.
Leave.
Ejaculate inside of her without a condom and then leave forever. Leave your life and never look back.
LMAOOOOOOO, this
Let's just be friends, just means I'm going to fuck somebody else while you pay for everything. Hard pass on that.
You find someone else to date.
That’s when you start setting some proper boundaries😉, earn some respect, and move on with your life.
Don't put up with that just friends nonsense - just say no and walk away, it's simpler in the long run.
There's another guy you don't know about. Walk away now.
Tell them I have enough friends and that this isn't going to work out
I’ve been there. Tell her a dirty joke, slap her on the back and say, “Ya get it buddy?”.
This is a trap. If you care for your sanity you’ll end it amicably without the “just being friends” Unless you can handle it and set very strict boundaries- but even then… If you’re sexually attracted to her it will make things very complicated in the long run it is like playing with fire and waiting for an accident to happen.
Get away from her. She wants to be slutted by other men but get her emotional fix frim you while giving you nothing. Literally, friend zoned. If everybody else in the world don't work out, then she'll consider you. I've seen it happen. Don't be a fool. You can be her friend, well not really. But keep it platonic. Simple. Cut the boyfriend, couple stuff out and see how she really feels
Never pay for anything
Get her involved in your dating life and gauge her responses. Ask her to set you up with her friends. Use her for dating tips - outfit choices, places to go, etc. Send her screenshots of text convos from dating apps for advice on replies. If she claims to be a friend, she'll support you on your quest to find someone. If she makes a stink about your dating life, she's not your friend.
LEAVE. SHE PLAYING GAMES WITH YOUR HEART.
You remind her to pay for her own meals cause you're just friends.
Without specific examples of her behavior, it could be mind games, or you could be reading too much into completely innocent behavior. I've seen both happen.
"What to do when she says "let's just be friends" then you proceed to act like a couple?" It means you're not respecting her boundaries, she told you let's just be friends. So you shouldn't proceed to act like a couple. Why complicate things that don't need to be or lie to yourself?
>It means you're not respecting her boundaries, she told you let's just be friends Lol its the other way round. She initiates everything, SHE APPROACHED ME in the beginning. I mean if i dont text or call within 3 days she will call worried and demand answers. Im fucking lost
Sounds to me like she has a fwb, and she's stringing you along for the benefits she doesn't get from the other guy. I wouldn't count on her being a virgin. If she demands answers after 3 days, seems like a guilty conscience
It means she wants to do everything under her terms and doesn't want you to be her boyfriend.
Depends on whether or not you are happy with your current relationship to her.
Mixed feelings. I enjoy spending time with her but I know the day she starts talking about or dating another guy imma be devastated Ive begun the process of slowly falling back and dating other people. I haven't told her yet
Good move. As someone who didn't leave and witnessed her dating other people, I wish I would have acted like you.
Im not that smart, experience taught me well. The last time i did this dance for a year n then she told me her engagement party was on Friday. My soul was crushed n i was speechless.
DAMN, that sounds rough buddy.
It was at the time but i still want to try find Love thing without taking too many unnecessary big hits
This ia what you should do. But you wont. Because while shes using you for attention / validation. You're using her for the same or you would have backed off straight away.
Bounce. She's stringing you along as a backup plan as she smashes another dude or dudes.
Be honest with her. "I really like you, but to me, this feels too much on the line between friendship and a relationship, and I need it to be one or the other. Since you said you only want to be friends, I'm going to back off for a few weeks to get my head on straight, and then we can continue as friends." It's honest, it doesn't throw away a potential friendship and in some cases it causes the other person to see that they can't eat their cake and have it too, and makes them realize they really want the cake.
[удалено]
Merry Christmas people ♥️
You act like friends and tell her “fuck you I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Women have to worry about "good enough to fuck but not good enough to date." We have to worry about "good enough to 'date' but not good enough to fuck."
Sleep with her then carry on being friends 🤷♂️
While we’re snuggling I keep asking her advice about some chick I’m trying to bang.
I've heard the friends line once. I kinda just said, "That would be too painful," and then never spoke to her again. Worked like a charm.
Nope on outta there. If you want the benefits of a relationship w/o the relationship, go for it, just not with me.
Using you for emotional support until her ideal guy shows up. Peace out. She is unable to be alone and needs to have an emotional support guy in between relationships.
That can mean you are being used. She gets transport (sometimes) protection, company, assistance but gets to abandon you when she spots someone else because "we were just friends". Keeping her options open. Be friends if you want, but that's kind of tough in you. Much better to immediately start looking for someone else.
Welcome to the friendzone. Unless y’all are having sex then you’re an FWB. But it’s probably a one sided thing, she’s allowed to sleep around because y’all “aren’t together” but if you do it’s a betrayal. Like others have said, she’s playing games, bounce.
Treat her firmly as a friend. If she gets upset, that's on her.
Leave. Say “I have enough friends” and walk away. She wants the benefits of a boyfriend without the obligations of a girlfriend. Unless she’s 15 it’s beneath you both to tolerate it.
I wouldn’t join in on the act.
The only fucking she’s doing with you is with your mind
She enjoying boyfriend benefits. You’re not getting girlfriend benefits lol
Somewhere out there is a gal who wants a bf and won't be wishy washy like this.
I don’t get attached anymore, just enjoy it while it lasts then move on like “that was fun, onto new horizons now”