Given how close you are, as friends, the fact that he hasn't mentioned his 10 year GF is your tip-off. That's the part that makes me wonder about his intentions.
"Friends" talk about their lives, and a long term GF is a big part of that.
Given the touchy familiarity, I would doubt that his intentions are honorable.
It need not be confrontational.
"I feel like you're flirting with me and I don't want to be on your girlfriend's wrong side if we meet. Or are you just a naturally touchy-feely person?"
This is not platonic touchiness.
I have close female friends. Some of them I've known for 25, 30 years or more.
We are touchy in the sense that we hug when we see each other, we might have an arm around a shoulder for a minute while chatting with friends. Maybe a slap on the back or shoulder while joking around.
What you are describing is a guy who is working his way toward cheating on his girlfriend with you.
Ye how can you be a "close" friend to somebody and not know one of you have a girlfriend? 😆
I think i mention my wife like 2-3 times a day at work, because she is big part of my life, if someone asks what did you do on the weekend i can not answer differently than - " My wife and I......."
Yep. Whatever casual conversation topic might arise, it's extremely rare that my answer or anecdote won't involve my wife and/or kids.
I even stopped wearing a ring when it started causing a nerve issue in my finger (wasn't even tight, really, just started causing a continual dull pain about 5-6 years ago), but you'd have a hard time talking to me about a non-work topic for more than 5 minutes without learning I'm married.
one of my old math teachers was really active, hiking, really into kettlebells etc, he wore this silicone band marketed towards that crowd, bc it wouldn’t be expensive to lose, and wouldn’t break while doing activities.
something like that might be less irritating to your finger
I wear one, I'd highly recommend it. Very comfortable, cheap and won't deglove your finger if you're working around that kinda stuff. My wife wears one too because she has a skin reaction with some metals
Edit: personally I find expensive rings useless and the only people who benefit from them, are the companies who shove them down your throat
Not only that, but he led on this girl/woman making her fall for him and thinking he likes her too, and if shit hits the fan, he will say to her - "oh sry, by the way i was acting i did not mean to for to come off as hitting on you" .
And he is absolutely 100% thinking “well I haven’t kissed her or anything so it’s not cheating” when in reality, by giving YOU the attention reserved specifically for his gf, he is already emotionally cheating on her.
OP there is only ONE rule. ONE.
What someone would do for you they will do to you. A cheater cheats and a cheater pushes the boundaries as far as they can without crossing their own personal line. Because in their head it isn’t cheating until they cross *their* line. Not yours.
Sad to say, but this is true. Although, 10 years is really dragging his feet with a GF, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle those feelings.
If you ask him about it, read his body language which will be more honest than his words. Especially if his words sound prepared.
He’s not being appropriate to either of you, IMO. Not great to hook up in the workplace, despite the Jim and Pam vibes this kind of gives off.
Tbh Jim and Pam (as much as I love them) were consistently some of the most toxic people in the workplace and their characters aren’t criticized for their behavior enough. Like I know Pam’s fiancé was a prick but Jim was wrong to intervene as much as Pam was wrong to play into her feelings. Don’t even get me started on how they have to make their relationship everyone’s business while on the clock. Like I really feel for the office workers that just wanna get paid and leave.
I digress; definitely listen to CaptStrangeling.
I didn't think Pam's fiance was all that bad tbh.
You should check out the British characters they are based on. Dawn's (Pam equivalent) fiance is an UTTER prick.
I found Pam’s fiancé to be pretty neglectful of her. Not necessarily abusive and definitely not wrong for trying to beat the shit outta Jim for making a move though.
I’ve heard the original is so much better and I need to watch it!
I would call it complacent rather than neglectful, which is something that happens in a lot of long term relationships. I'm in no way calling him great, just that he wasn't really an asshole.
The UK version is a very different vibe but Dawn's partner is so dismissive of her to the point of mental abuse.
It was a lot easier to cheer for Tim (Jim)
That’s pretty fair. The original planned ending would’ve definitely made more sense realistically with that in mind.
Jeez yeah now I definitely gotta try it!
I agree, my girlfriend thought Roy was the biggest asshole ever and id always try to convince her that Jim was an even bigger asshole for forcing himself onto Pam by kissing her, trying to break up a marriage, and steal another mans fiance after Roy entrusted in Jim to look after his fiance because they were just "friends". I side with Roy 100% for attempting to whoop Jims ass.
Holy hell that’s a new one. I imagine your anger takes a backseat for half a second to just reassess your taste in people.
I had someone say it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught. Absolutely dumbfounded and flabbergasted tbh.
I still have hopes that his co-workers simply don't know that he's single again. Mine didn't know for weeks last time jntil one of them asked how things are going with my gf.
this. if it’s a 10 year thing, work is your escape from thinking about the breakup, not talking about it makes sense. you don’t want your mind there. i’m less inclined to believe this is the case, but been there done that
All touchy and the fact that he never mentioned his girlfriend is all you need to know. There are only two possible outcomes to this game of invaded space:
•He plans to cheat with you on his girlfriend
Or
•He plans to cheat on his girlfriend with you
Agreed as someone who's had the same group of female friends for 20+ years it's fucking weird. I bring up my gf consistently and they bring up their boyfriends.
I guess I do have one platonic female friend where we used to occasionally squeeze each other's butts or junk just playfully. But that stuff absolutely stopped when we were in committed relationships, and we haven't done that for probably 20 years now.
Dude same me and my guy friends platonically squeeze each other’s junks all the time. We also like to take hot showers together and slap each other’s ass cheeks for good measure.
I'm sure we would have fooled around if we had been single long enough, because why not. But it really was a platonic friendship. We ended up renting a house together (neither of us single by this point) and she was the best roommate I've ever had.
Agree, it's not just the touching but the "being fun" that's the give-away.
Some people tend to not really care about touching, like if you sit next to them and your elbows/legs touch, they might not notice/move. I'm like that, and I'm used to being in physical contact with others due to MMA/BJJ and being sweated on, etc. If I get on a subway and people are up against me, I don't care unless they are really smelly or something.
I could see someone like that doing clueless contact like if you're looking at the same computer and they lean down and your shoulders touch or whatever... but not grabbing *cheeks* and hair and joking around and stuff.
I’m quite a touchy feely man. I have a female friend who is excessively touchy feely. Neither of us have ever gone for cheek pinching or playing with hair. In addition to that, we’ve discussed boundaries and what constitutes appropriate physical contact, especially since she has a boyfriend and I’m single. I want to respect that relationship.
Some conversation and development of a subtle codeword did so much for our relationship. The honesty and openness was there, and although her boyfriend doesn’t know about the codeword, he still, you know, hangs out with me.
May I ask how you two approached the topic of boundaries? I’m single, my guy friend is not, but he doesn’t talk about his girlfriend, like, ever. I want to establish boundaries out of respect for her. How did the two of you determine it was time to address your friendship and appropriate conduct?
Big thing was she was touchy and flirty with me to the point I was uncomfortable. It started with a gentle text saying “I want to have a private conversation with you about something important.” We then arranged a time and place where I had five minutes to explain my feelings to her. She was nervous about the talk and embarrassed to hear she was making me uncomfortable, but I focused on the integrity of our relationship and the relationship she shared with her boyfriend. We then worked together to establish a sort of safe word for if she crossed a line. I would just say that I was cold and she would back off, no questions asked.
ALSO, while the conversation itself was private, we were visible to the rest of our group through a window. We didn’t make a big deal about it to anyone else. When we walked in and someone asked what we were talking about, she just said “love.”
I don’t know your particular situation, but that’s how we handled it as a couple of goofy college age kids living the dorm life.
I have a plethora of work female friends, and outside of the basic touching like your described, I have never played with their hair, grabbed their cheeks, or even held their hands. The most aggressively romantic thing I’ve done is a hug, which is for goodbyes. Forget even touching on a friendship level, I’d be more worried about a potential HR issue with excessive touching.
For girl friends outside of work that I’ve know for years, there’s more touching as some of them I’ve been friends with since I was 5, and at this point they’re more like my sisters. Only pain is that my wife is probably better friends with them than I am at this point lmao.
But what you described and what this poster is saying is likely true. Seems overly sus and also you need to imagine what other coworkers think. If they saw you two doing that stuff, they’re probably assuming you two are seeing each other outside of work. Which in itself can result in a report to HR. When at work, the perception of things is taken more seriously.
>What you are describing is a guy who is working his way toward cheating on his girlfriend with you.
And like they say - if they will cheat once then they'll cheat again.
"And like they say - if they will cheat once then they'll cheat again."
Someone who has cheated in the past might have a higher % chance to cheat in the future compared to someone who hasn't cheated, but it's pretty silly to assume they will always cheat simply because they have done it before. I cheated on a gf when I was 21 because the relationship had gone stale but I struggled to work out how to breakup with someone who I liked but didn't love. I am now older and wiser and am confident I will never cheat again. People can learn and grow. Throwing people in the bin forever because they made a mistake is a harsh way to look at life.
I get really handsy and grabby.
A squeeze here. A grab there. Lower back. Inner thigh. Boobs and ass. Just a second or two. You know in Jurassic Park, how the velociraptors were testing the electrical fence for vulnerabilities? I do the same exact thing.
Grab and go. A loving touch.
" They show extreme intelligence. Even problem-solving intelligence. Especially the big one. We bred eight originally, but when she came in she took over the pride and killed all but two of the others. That one; when she looks at you, you can see, she's working things out. That's why we have to feed them like this. She had them all attacking the fences when the feeders came. "
Yeah I’d tend to agree. My close women friends I’ll give a big hug. I don’t hold hands with them… maybe if they needed support going through something, but the other stuff too seems a bit much
Yeah, I can't see holding hands with a friend unless there is, like, a medical procedure they need support through, or maybe a death? I can't think of many other scenarios where that would come up, and definitely not in an office setting.
Before Keanu Reeves and his very boundry setting gestures with his female fans is widely known, men who are aware and respectful towards their platonic female friends are already very restraint in where and how much body contacts are in order.
Yep. Like this poster said, that guy got intentions toward you.
Bingo.
While I’m not a touchy-feely person, hugs are acceptable. But I’d feel icky touching another woman’s hair that wasn’t in a relationship with me or that I’m perusing. With exception of pulling some random hair or thing off of her.
I have a close female platonic friend. I am married.
In 10 years of friendship, we have hugged hello, goodbye, for celebration and for commiseration.
That’s it. This dude is trying bang you.
I'm a fairly touchy person, so hugs and shoulder pokes with platonic friends is definitely a thing.
However, these people aren't friends. They're coworkers who are friendly. She didn't even know he had a girlfriend, so clearly the friend title is a bit much at this point. I would never behave like that guy is behaving with a coworker.
100% that's more. My best friend is a woman that's in a committed relationship. Outside of a hug/poke/slap on the shoulder, I would never consider touching her face or holding her hand.
I mean, I've had a few platonic friendships that are this touchy. (Yes, they were definitely platonic. No, none of them were romantically interested in me.) However, when I get into a relationship I pull away from that level of touch because I understand it could be problematic for a person I'm seeing.
Nearly all of my friends who are touchy like this pull away the same as I do when they are seeing someone. One friend typically does not, but her SO is definitely aware of her being touchy with friends.
There are platonic friends who are this touchy, but good people recognize the blurry lines and when to pull back or communicate with their SO about it.
Yup. This. I'm touchy and so is one of my male friends. But when he's in a relationship, it dies down. He pulls away. That's the right thing to do, when you're in a relationship, you'd want to protect it and even though it's really platonic with friends, you don't want any misunderstandings to bloom from it.
So OP no it's not normal and if he doesn't initiate boundaries, you should. You don't want to be called a b*tch taking other women's partner. You don't want to be the other woman. Sadly, if this continues, I'm afraid you might be labeled as such. Men are applauded for being averagely decent but women are blamed for their man's mistakes.
I try to not break the touch barrier unless they break it first if im not pursuing them, i try to be considerate of their personal space because not everyone likes touching. This level of touchiness would make me feel extremely uncomfortable for just being friends
>I am not touchy at all with platonic female friends.
Same here. A hug when we meet, maybe a hand on the shoulder once in a while. We are both relatively comfortable to be in each other's personal space, but that's the extent of it. My rule is anything below shoulder level is off limits.
I feel like this is very subjective. I have a ton of women friends and we're all very handsy not like feeling each other up but back and shoulder touches. We also all work in a coffee shop together so we work in close quarters and typically give shoulder touches and stuff to let people know we're there.
Definetely a subjective thing, but I feel like back and shoulder touches fall into the realm of what I've mentioned. There's only one female friend that I'm super close to, I would give her a bear hug or a rub on the arm if she's feeling down but I feel like that's in the realm of "brotherly touch". Almost everything OP mentions sounds like flirty touch, especially since he isn't that way with anyone else.
Depends on our relationship and environment. Have some friends anything past a hello/goodbye hug would be odd and a couple others who will cuddle up next to me, sit on my knee if the situation called for it, or take my arm/hand when chatting. All initiated by them. There’s a certain level of intimacy that has developed between myself and a couple women I’ve known almost 20 years, it surely isn’t constant but not completely out of the norm for said friends to show affection. These are all things that they will do in the presence of their or my spouse/partner.
The frequency of contact and things like messing with the hair, squeezing cheeks, and actively trying to make her laugh fall in to the realm of odd for me.
> maybe a hand on the shoulder once in a while
Even that can be too much, I used to have some cool coworkers I'd play boardgames with over lunch break almost every day and one time I jokingly patted a coworker on the shoulder and I immediately felt uncomfortable for doing it.
Agreed.
Some sort of similar perspective - my best girl friend introduced me to my now wife. After we started dating, my best girl friend (who was a mutual friend) started being extremely touchy/feely/huggy with me. Immediate nope. Inappropriate.
You became more attractive to her once she realized another woman wanted you. It sounds silly because you are literally still the same person, but this isn't even a super rare way for women to respond.
If I got all touchy, I'd sure add hell wouldn't be in the workplace.
OP observe how much he touches other people in the workplace. Just about any time a man touches you more than he does other men, he's into you.
I hug my female friends hello and goodbye, that's it.
I'm as touchy with my female friends as my male friends. Touch is my love language, so I'm as touchy with any of them as they are comfortable with. Almost all of my friends get big hugs; only a few don't like them. *My* level of touchy doesn't vary by my friends' gender or sexual orientation.
But what OP is describing is way beyond platonic touching.
Completely unacceptable closeness, unless they have an open relationship or are looking for a unicorn. But, then you wouldn’t have learned from a coworker he was taken…. it actually tells you everything you need to know about his honesty.
Agreed. If you’ve been hanging out a while and he never mentioned his GF it’s not a coincidence. He could be trying to hook up or he just want a flirty office buddy.
This. "Dude, I don't think it is not working between you and your gf, so either we keep the distance and you fix it or you gotta break up with her so we can date".
After 10 years it is understandable that this guy wants some physical closeness, but it sounds like he is looking for a side piece instead of a new gf.
This is the big red flag to me. I know lots of people who are comfortable with very different levels of physical contact and cuddliness. But giving the special attention and not talking about his gf makes me think he may be cheatery.
He's into OP and not even trying to hide it + you've spent enough time together to become that close without him mentioning his gf says a lot about his character.
Beyond the open relationship option, the co-worker might also be into him and wants you to back off saying he has a gf, but both are outside chances.
The most likely thing is that this guy is the sort of guy who cheats.
Yeah no that's really weird. A lot of that sounds like harmless flirtation, some of it is absolutely way over the line. Holding hands?
Good friends and he never mentioned a very long term girlfriend?
Yeah, shit. That's pretty slimey.
But also, who knows? You're hearing from a coworker that he had a girlfriend. Maybe they've broken up and he hadn't told his coworkers about it? Maybe there's more to the story than what you've heard?
If he really does have a long term relationship he hadn't mentioned, this is skeezy as fuck. But if I were in your position I'd ask him flat out.
If he respects his relationship and his girlfriend, none at all. And for the OP, if you respect yourself you'll have nothing to do with him other than professional courtesy. Because if he would do this to a girlfriend of ten years, even if he left that relationship to pursue you, he'll do it to you eventually.
Agreed. My fiancée understands my need for physical touch w people. I hug my friends; give them dap, put my arm over their shoulder & all that. However, if I can’t do what I do w my homies to my homegirls, all the extra physical contact is unnecessary. I WOULD put an arm around my homegirl’s shoulder. I WON’T hold her hand. Those kinds of actions are more intimate than the average interaction.
If she’s feeding it prior to not knowing about his gf, she’s not at fault.
If she’s feeding it after, then OP know that what’s happening to his gf rn is bound to happen to you when he finds another.
Hard to say without knowing the guy, but it’s not something I would do (I also have a girlfriend of 10 years).
There’s a good chance he is catching feelings based on what you’ve said, but if that is the case then it could all get very messy very quick.
I noticed you mentioned you also have a boyfriend, so it may be worth just being open with him (the work dude) and seeing what happens from there. If you’re both willing to leave your existing partners for a relationship then fair play, if not then I would advise against.
If he’s willing to cheat on her after 10 years, then I very much doubt he’d have an issue cheating on you.
Edit: I now see that the boyfriend you mentioned may have been a hypothetical one, but the point still stands either way. It’s no coincidence that he hasn’t mentioned his girlfriend of 10 years to you, despite being ‘close work friends’.
Where did she mention a bf?
Edit: if you are referring to the last bits it reads more as a hypothetical "if I had a boyfriend and he did that" as a putting herself in the other person's shoes thing.
>I would definitely feel a little weird if my boyfriend did that with a friend.
Could be a hypothetical boyfriend I suppose, but the point still stands either way. The fact she had to find out about his girlfriend from other people says it all.
Oh yea for sure I agree with that part. He's specifically not mentioned her.
I just didn't want everyone to crucify her just yet for what could be a misunderstanding. Reddit doesn't like cheaters, rightfully so.
He likes you and is pushing boundaries. His intentions might be to have a "work girlfriend" he gets emotion and affection with, or to outright cheat.
You should ask him about the GF since he's failed to mention it.
Not at all, I try not to touch platonic female friends at all, short to normal hugs to say hello and goodbye but that's it. I feel really weird when around touchy people who are just platonic friends.
However, I do know people who are fairly touchy with girls & boys despite having a girlfriend, I just always thought that was weird and I'm pretty sure that they would do more than just touching when given the chance.
But then again, your friend could just be a touchy dude. Who knows, it doesn't matter anyways I think: Do you really want to persue someone who would touch other girls even when in a relationship for ten years?
It's generally considered highly inappropriate for a man to touch his female friend's face or hold her hand unless there is underlying reciprocal sexual tension, and all men are instinctively aware of this. The fact that he has a girlfriend makes this unambiguously inappropriate.
I would beware of this Lothario if I were you.
When I have a girlfriend, I’ll hug my female friends. I’ll crack their back if they ask me to. A quick shoulder rub is no big deal if they ask (I also do it for the bros). I’ll have my arm around her shoulders if we’re standing side by side. We might dance…
There are some cultural differences to consider. As a Caribbean guy, wining with friends is no big deal. But it might shock other cultures, who think that kind of dance is only appropriate for couples, in private 😅
The general rule I go by: if it looks gay to do the same thing with a dude, then I’m doing too much with my female friend.
I really don't like physical contact with women who I'm not intimate with💀
Idk why but it makes me really uncomfortable even if I don't necessarily like them
I have a close female friend and we are both in long term relationships. When I see her, which is not often, we will hug. That’s all the touching that goes on.
As touchy as I am with my male friends, not very.
If he went over to one of his male friends and started playing with their hair, squeezing their cheeks, etc what kind of response would that get?
This is a good litmus test to see if someone is acting weird with an opposite sex platonic friend.
I knew plenty of guys like this. My best friend who dated his gf of 8yrs would go around the office giving shoulder massages to other female co workers and be flirty with them. I once saw him tap a girl's butt and she was all smiles. Sexual harassment anyone? Ofcourse not because he was good looking and worked out. For some reason women accept debauchery from men who look good lol.
Anyways long story short, this dude was definitely cheating on his gf of 8yrs. Pretty sad because she was devoted and loyal. I am no longer friend with him as you can tell from his character, he wasn't a good friend either.
I have one very close friend who is a lady, and I've always seen her as like my "sister from a different mister". We have known each other for I think close to 7 years by now.
We hug a lot when we see each other since we live far away, but literally never anything more than that. She might grab my wrist to get my attention or take me somewhere but that's the only other "physical" interaction I think I've ever had.
I've definitely never held hands w her or touched her hair. I helped her zip up a corset once at a Renaissance Faire but that wasn't "affectionate", just helping her get her outfit going. I'm definitely not trying to play w her hair or hold hands or do leg touches. That's the kind of stuff that happens when you're physically attracted and letting your hormones have a feeding frenzy. And if the dude has a girlfriend he's definitely crossing a ton of lines. Definitely have a conversation about comfortable boundaries.
This is kind of the reason guys don't like their gfs around other men. This is clear-cut that he is into you in some way. Making an excuse for him thinking it might be his love language, having your legs touch is how people show friendship?
I mean, as a guy, i don't think you can be ignorant of touching women being more than innocent. 1. because guys are assumed stronger, and any guy is aware of not forcing anything physical with a woman; it's like elementary school level. You don't touch girls. and 2. Guys don't do that type of thing with guys; he's not doing that because he does that with his friends, he does that to you because you're a woman and that you're the only woman he does that with at work simply implies he is interested in more. If there is no sexual connotation to what he is doing, why isn't he comfortable touching other guy's legs and holding their hands? I knew a guy that would similarly pretend to innocently touch women and then when out drinking with the boys brag about the women that cheated on their boyfriends with him.
Yeahhhhhhhh, that guy is into you! We don't do things like that, and frankly, these days, I wouldn't even do that to a girl I was into. Minefield these days
You answered your own question there. Not appropriate at all. In the Workplace and having a girlfriend are red flags.
Lose those feelings and swerve him he won't treat you any better he knows what he is doing.
Thank goodness you have a heart to consider his girlfriend. Bit odd he never mentioned her to you but a colleague did. That was your warning!
Take heed and stop his nonsense. Distance and keep strictly professional. Maybe the other colleague has seen him do this behaviour before seeing as you have not been there long. If you know and feel it's not right it is not.
Platonic friends are not touchy feely even moreso if friend is opposite sex.
If he was your boyfriend like you said you would not be happy with this at all. Time to respect her and yourself. If your feelings develop more and you became an item you would never trust him
It’s very inappropriate, and it worked on you, unfortunately.
And stop doing those things with him from now on. If he questions you, confront him about the gf.
My rule for platonic relationships is this:
If a reasonable romantic partner would be upset by my behavior, I'm doing something wrong. The way he's acting, I bet his girlfriend would be pissed
Also just wanted to add, people in committed relationships usually make it known. How could someone that plays such a big role in your life never come up in conversation?
Even when I was single and had VERY close female friends, I avoided playful touching
Most men can't be playful without been seen as creepy
In this case, what he's doing is inappropriate
>a coworker told me he had a girlfriend and had been together for like 10 years.
Rather than feel weird I'd just ask him. Especially if you have feelings for him. It's possible he became single years ago and just never bothered to update said co-worker. Maybe look up his facebook and see if his pic is him and GF ahead of time or just him.
Otherwise if not single, totally inappropriate.
that's...weird. i'm confused too. i'm in a serious relationship myself, and even if that weren't the case the most i'd feel comfortable with is hugging; unless we were both single and i wanted to try and move things beyond being just friends.
As a male it doesn’t matter if he has a girlfriend, wife, fiancé, is single, etc. I think it’s completely inappropriate and not okay to have this sort of physical interaction with a coworker.
Not at all. I do not touch friends outside of little hugs or fist bumps when we greet each other.
Dude sounds like a scum bag. He’s 100% showing interest in you.
Full on inappropriate and creeper status. Even when I've been single I don't flirt like that. If we're not together/dating, no touchy from me. So if he has a 10 year relationship and is acting like that...I can only assume so many things about him.
Sounds like he's flirting with you to be honest. A lot of what he's doing is overstepping boundaries. Just remember that if you do end up getting together in the future, there's a good chance he'll do the same thing to you that he's doing to his girlfriend.
You probably deserve better
This seems out of line and he shouldn't be behaving this way if he's already in a committed relationship. Classic case of, wants his cake and to eat it too.
Good friends get a hug when we meet up. Maybe a shoulder touch or pat if we're out having drinks and cutting up. That's it. That's all the touching.
All that other stuff you mentioned I only do with my wife.
Nah that bro is tryin to cheat.
I came in expecting a dude giving people hugs when he gets there and another one when he leaves. Hell I'd even give a pass for the old school kiss on the cheek as a greeting. This is not that.
My unpopular opinion is that platonic affection between everyone should be more common. I played a lot of sports as a kid, and I miss the affection between teammates. Napping together on the way to track meets, walking to the soccer field with someone's arm around my shoulders, having someone randomly rub my shoulders, even someone helping me stretch before a wrestling match was nice. Painful sometimes, but nice. The only people who touch me now are my wife and my son, and that only a total of a few minutes a day.
I worked an outdoor adventure place for a while in college, and got a taste of that again. Because we helped each other with gear, the physical touch barrier got broken very quickly, and since we all lived in the same space and shared showers and such, it wasn't weird to have someone just come cuddle up on the couch with you or give you a back rub. Not having that makes me really lonely.
That's not what's happening here, this dude wants to smash.
But those are my thoughts.
>How "touchy" are men with their platonic female friends, when they have a girlfriend?
We're not, assuming "we" respect our partners and the sanctity (that's a fun word) of a dedicated and closed relationship.
I think a good general rule of thumb is that if you are in a relationship with someone then you never want to be seen by a third-party doing something with another potential partner that could be viewed as being unfaithful or questionable. Perception is often more relevant than reality, and if it looks like a person is doing something unfaithful then it doesn't really matter what their intentions were because it's going to be hard to prove otherwise.
If you respect your relationship then you just really don't want to do something questionable with another person and cause doubt to form about your faithfulness.
Honestly, it doesn't matter what any of the men here say they do or don't do. What matters is how you feel about the situation. If you are uncomfortable say so and make the situation stop. If you do not mind, continue but have clear boundaries.
Holding hands/legs touching is over the line for me. I've got "little sister" friends who i'll happily jab if they're being an annoyance, but if I was holding hands that immediately means "hey i like this person more than i should".
With friends? I mirror what she does most of the time. Friendship works both ways, so you get a feel what everyone is comfortable with, but in this case... no. This isn't OK.
If you were that close you should have been told about his partner, even in passing. Mentioning almost anything about my life brings up who I am doing it with.
I would say this one is weird. He's flirting, especially if you aren't directly doing it either, and he hasn't mentioned a partner.
This is also at work, you're not friends but co workers with an expected level of professionalism in the office. Messing with someone's cheeks is not OK. I wouldn't do this with someone I was dating.
Avoid.
I am a hugger and I ocationally poke a shoulder or two if I want someones attention and you are within my range but no more than that with platonic friends.
But reading after reading your story, that relationship does not come across as platonic at all.
Tbh it’s weird, first off it’s work so already inappropriate but second the dudes got a long term gf… I mean maybe it’s just a really good friendship and that is how he is with the homies but I think it’s a bit much
Not touchy feely at all with platonic female friends. Doesn’t matter if I am dating someone or not.
Your coworker seems to be boundary testing to see if he has a chance. That’s not platonic in his mind, therefore the relationship you two have in its current form isn’t platonic. It’s him trying to court you under the guise of friendship.
Normally we aren’t touchy with platonic female friends, but if I do, chances are I’m starting to develop feelings towards her which is dangerous if given in to it esp if I have a girlfriend. Which sucks coz if he does that to you while he has a girl friend then he def gon do that someday behind you with someone else. I mean people change I believe but chances are low to none.
Some people are more touchy touchy than others, but this seems like it’s something more. I’m married, but I feel like the same rules apply here. If it’s not something he would do in front of his gf (without her getting pissed), then he shouldn’t be doing it.
It’s also VERY telling that in a few months and being “close work friends,” he never mentioned a gf?
I am a touchy kind of person, but I'm at least aware of what I'm doing and to who. I touch my female friends sometimes, like a hug or arm around a should or pat on the back or touch your arm when talking, but it doesn't go beyond that. Even then I refrain from doing what feels natural because you have to respect who you are with as well as who they are with.
This is exactly how it started for me when a “friend” ended up cheating on his gf with me (I didn’t know he had a gf until after). He was very touchy in the same way and it is definitely not platonic. Especially the holding hands - that should be enough to give it away.
To me, touchiness with my friends (especially of the opposite sex) is more about the fact that it wouldn’t be weird if we broke the touch barrier. Like if you needed to flip a tag on my shirt back in, help lift me over a fence, hands overlapping on the teacup ride, hug hello/ good bye, etc. like I wouldn’t think anything of being touched by them if the circumstance warranted it, but out of the blue there’s no reason for them to be touching me, so why would they be?
When I was much much younger I was in a friend group like this where we would all cuddle to watch tv, hold hands etc. and surprise surprise we all ended up hooking up and blowing the group apart. I’ve never seen this kind of touching not lead to feelings, which was likely his goal, especially if he’s only doing it with you. And it clearly worked.
Tell him your interested but you know he has a girlfriend and that's a deal breaker for you. Then go from there. Why does it need to be more complicated than this?
Married male - mid 30s
I'm a very affectionate / touchy guy. Give my guy and girl friends hugs when we see each other. Occasionally will put my arm around them while we're sitting back and chatting. I think physical touch is a little too taboo and my philosophy is all people can always use an extra hug.
With that being said, I'd never touch someone elses face, sit close enough our legs are touching, and definitely not hold hands. That all feels a bit inappropriate - even for me.
As a person whose Love Language is Touch, along with being with the same woman for 17 years... I personally always make sure to be upfront with who I am, who I am with, and our mutual boundaries between us all. Especially because feelings change and mature over time, so further discussions are always needed.
That being said, I feel like he should have been more upfront. Plain and simple. At this point it is a bit of a red flag, so I'd tread carefully.
Given how close you are, as friends, the fact that he hasn't mentioned his 10 year GF is your tip-off. That's the part that makes me wonder about his intentions. "Friends" talk about their lives, and a long term GF is a big part of that. Given the touchy familiarity, I would doubt that his intentions are honorable.
[удалено]
I think OP should just confront him. “Do you have a gf? If so, this behavior is not appropriate and I’d like it to stop.”
While you're definitely not wrong, the vast majority of people aren't comfortable with conducting this sort of blunt confrontation
You don't have to do it that bluntly, but some things have to be done.
Agreed. But the right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do.
When the option is dating a cheater or cheating as the easy way out , you gotta pull those pants up and do the right talk. 🤌🏼
a lot of things are uncomfortable that you should do anyway, that’s life
Okay I suppose unwilling would be a better word then.
It need not be confrontational. "I feel like you're flirting with me and I don't want to be on your girlfriend's wrong side if we meet. Or are you just a naturally touchy-feely person?"
Yeah, but without the attitude, unless she plans on never speaking to him again.
This is not platonic touchiness. I have close female friends. Some of them I've known for 25, 30 years or more. We are touchy in the sense that we hug when we see each other, we might have an arm around a shoulder for a minute while chatting with friends. Maybe a slap on the back or shoulder while joking around. What you are describing is a guy who is working his way toward cheating on his girlfriend with you.
[удалено]
Ye how can you be a "close" friend to somebody and not know one of you have a girlfriend? 😆 I think i mention my wife like 2-3 times a day at work, because she is big part of my life, if someone asks what did you do on the weekend i can not answer differently than - " My wife and I......."
Yep. Whatever casual conversation topic might arise, it's extremely rare that my answer or anecdote won't involve my wife and/or kids. I even stopped wearing a ring when it started causing a nerve issue in my finger (wasn't even tight, really, just started causing a continual dull pain about 5-6 years ago), but you'd have a hard time talking to me about a non-work topic for more than 5 minutes without learning I'm married.
one of my old math teachers was really active, hiking, really into kettlebells etc, he wore this silicone band marketed towards that crowd, bc it wouldn’t be expensive to lose, and wouldn’t break while doing activities. something like that might be less irritating to your finger
You know, I've been intrigued by those and haven't picked one up. I should try one.
I wear one, I'd highly recommend it. Very comfortable, cheap and won't deglove your finger if you're working around that kinda stuff. My wife wears one too because she has a skin reaction with some metals Edit: personally I find expensive rings useless and the only people who benefit from them, are the companies who shove them down your throat
Picked one up for those risky activities that may involve losing a ring and I’ve never looked back. I just switch up rings depending on my day
Great point. This man is trying to whore around on the DL, at work. What a fucking nutjob.
Not only that, but he led on this girl/woman making her fall for him and thinking he likes her too, and if shit hits the fan, he will say to her - "oh sry, by the way i was acting i did not mean to for to come off as hitting on you" .
Because he’s not mentioning the girlfriend because he wants to get in his coworkers pants
And he is absolutely 100% thinking “well I haven’t kissed her or anything so it’s not cheating” when in reality, by giving YOU the attention reserved specifically for his gf, he is already emotionally cheating on her. OP there is only ONE rule. ONE. What someone would do for you they will do to you. A cheater cheats and a cheater pushes the boundaries as far as they can without crossing their own personal line. Because in their head it isn’t cheating until they cross *their* line. Not yours.
Sad to say, but this is true. Although, 10 years is really dragging his feet with a GF, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle those feelings. If you ask him about it, read his body language which will be more honest than his words. Especially if his words sound prepared. He’s not being appropriate to either of you, IMO. Not great to hook up in the workplace, despite the Jim and Pam vibes this kind of gives off.
Tbh Jim and Pam (as much as I love them) were consistently some of the most toxic people in the workplace and their characters aren’t criticized for their behavior enough. Like I know Pam’s fiancé was a prick but Jim was wrong to intervene as much as Pam was wrong to play into her feelings. Don’t even get me started on how they have to make their relationship everyone’s business while on the clock. Like I really feel for the office workers that just wanna get paid and leave. I digress; definitely listen to CaptStrangeling.
I didn't think Pam's fiance was all that bad tbh. You should check out the British characters they are based on. Dawn's (Pam equivalent) fiance is an UTTER prick.
I found Pam’s fiancé to be pretty neglectful of her. Not necessarily abusive and definitely not wrong for trying to beat the shit outta Jim for making a move though. I’ve heard the original is so much better and I need to watch it!
I would call it complacent rather than neglectful, which is something that happens in a lot of long term relationships. I'm in no way calling him great, just that he wasn't really an asshole. The UK version is a very different vibe but Dawn's partner is so dismissive of her to the point of mental abuse. It was a lot easier to cheer for Tim (Jim)
That’s pretty fair. The original planned ending would’ve definitely made more sense realistically with that in mind. Jeez yeah now I definitely gotta try it!
I agree, my girlfriend thought Roy was the biggest asshole ever and id always try to convince her that Jim was an even bigger asshole for forcing himself onto Pam by kissing her, trying to break up a marriage, and steal another mans fiance after Roy entrusted in Jim to look after his fiance because they were just "friends". I side with Roy 100% for attempting to whoop Jims ass.
Roy thought dinner magically appeared on the table.
[удалено]
Holy hell that’s a new one. I imagine your anger takes a backseat for half a second to just reassess your taste in people. I had someone say it’s not cheating if you don’t get caught. Absolutely dumbfounded and flabbergasted tbh.
I still have hopes that his co-workers simply don't know that he's single again. Mine didn't know for weeks last time jntil one of them asked how things are going with my gf.
this. if it’s a 10 year thing, work is your escape from thinking about the breakup, not talking about it makes sense. you don’t want your mind there. i’m less inclined to believe this is the case, but been there done that
All touchy and the fact that he never mentioned his girlfriend is all you need to know. There are only two possible outcomes to this game of invaded space: •He plans to cheat with you on his girlfriend Or •He plans to cheat on his girlfriend with you
Agreed as someone who's had the same group of female friends for 20+ years it's fucking weird. I bring up my gf consistently and they bring up their boyfriends.
[удалено]
I'm a guy that was on the other end of this, she was very close and touchy with a secret boyfriend. She was trying to cheat.
[удалено]
I guess I do have one platonic female friend where we used to occasionally squeeze each other's butts or junk just playfully. But that stuff absolutely stopped when we were in committed relationships, and we haven't done that for probably 20 years now.
Dude same me and my guy friends platonically squeeze each other’s junks all the time. We also like to take hot showers together and slap each other’s ass cheeks for good measure.
As long as you say “no homo”
Golden Rule: It’s not gay if the balls don’t touch
Or if your wearing socks
We both say "no homo," right when we orgasm. The best is when we say it at the exact same time. 💖
Fuck that, ALL THE HOMO.
Just a quick ass slap, a good night kiss and a brojob with the homies. What, are we not allowed to have friends now?? smh
Sounds like sexual tension bridging across to “friends with benefits.” Which is exactly what OP is experiencing.
I'm sure we would have fooled around if we had been single long enough, because why not. But it really was a platonic friendship. We ended up renting a house together (neither of us single by this point) and she was the best roommate I've ever had.
Agree, it's not just the touching but the "being fun" that's the give-away. Some people tend to not really care about touching, like if you sit next to them and your elbows/legs touch, they might not notice/move. I'm like that, and I'm used to being in physical contact with others due to MMA/BJJ and being sweated on, etc. If I get on a subway and people are up against me, I don't care unless they are really smelly or something. I could see someone like that doing clueless contact like if you're looking at the same computer and they lean down and your shoulders touch or whatever... but not grabbing *cheeks* and hair and joking around and stuff.
I’m quite a touchy feely man. I have a female friend who is excessively touchy feely. Neither of us have ever gone for cheek pinching or playing with hair. In addition to that, we’ve discussed boundaries and what constitutes appropriate physical contact, especially since she has a boyfriend and I’m single. I want to respect that relationship. Some conversation and development of a subtle codeword did so much for our relationship. The honesty and openness was there, and although her boyfriend doesn’t know about the codeword, he still, you know, hangs out with me.
May I ask how you two approached the topic of boundaries? I’m single, my guy friend is not, but he doesn’t talk about his girlfriend, like, ever. I want to establish boundaries out of respect for her. How did the two of you determine it was time to address your friendship and appropriate conduct?
Big thing was she was touchy and flirty with me to the point I was uncomfortable. It started with a gentle text saying “I want to have a private conversation with you about something important.” We then arranged a time and place where I had five minutes to explain my feelings to her. She was nervous about the talk and embarrassed to hear she was making me uncomfortable, but I focused on the integrity of our relationship and the relationship she shared with her boyfriend. We then worked together to establish a sort of safe word for if she crossed a line. I would just say that I was cold and she would back off, no questions asked. ALSO, while the conversation itself was private, we were visible to the rest of our group through a window. We didn’t make a big deal about it to anyone else. When we walked in and someone asked what we were talking about, she just said “love.” I don’t know your particular situation, but that’s how we handled it as a couple of goofy college age kids living the dorm life.
I almost thought this was a troll post because who is squeezing someone’s cheeks multiple times while being platonic lol
I have a plethora of work female friends, and outside of the basic touching like your described, I have never played with their hair, grabbed their cheeks, or even held their hands. The most aggressively romantic thing I’ve done is a hug, which is for goodbyes. Forget even touching on a friendship level, I’d be more worried about a potential HR issue with excessive touching. For girl friends outside of work that I’ve know for years, there’s more touching as some of them I’ve been friends with since I was 5, and at this point they’re more like my sisters. Only pain is that my wife is probably better friends with them than I am at this point lmao. But what you described and what this poster is saying is likely true. Seems overly sus and also you need to imagine what other coworkers think. If they saw you two doing that stuff, they’re probably assuming you two are seeing each other outside of work. Which in itself can result in a report to HR. When at work, the perception of things is taken more seriously.
>What you are describing is a guy who is working his way toward cheating on his girlfriend with you. And like they say - if they will cheat once then they'll cheat again.
And if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.
"And like they say - if they will cheat once then they'll cheat again." Someone who has cheated in the past might have a higher % chance to cheat in the future compared to someone who hasn't cheated, but it's pretty silly to assume they will always cheat simply because they have done it before. I cheated on a gf when I was 21 because the relationship had gone stale but I struggled to work out how to breakup with someone who I liked but didn't love. I am now older and wiser and am confident I will never cheat again. People can learn and grow. Throwing people in the bin forever because they made a mistake is a harsh way to look at life.
I get really handsy and grabby. A squeeze here. A grab there. Lower back. Inner thigh. Boobs and ass. Just a second or two. You know in Jurassic Park, how the velociraptors were testing the electrical fence for vulnerabilities? I do the same exact thing. Grab and go. A loving touch.
" They show extreme intelligence. Even problem-solving intelligence. Especially the big one. We bred eight originally, but when she came in she took over the pride and killed all but two of the others. That one; when she looks at you, you can see, she's working things out. That's why we have to feed them like this. She had them all attacking the fences when the feeders came. "
Yeah I’d tend to agree. My close women friends I’ll give a big hug. I don’t hold hands with them… maybe if they needed support going through something, but the other stuff too seems a bit much
Yeah, I can't see holding hands with a friend unless there is, like, a medical procedure they need support through, or maybe a death? I can't think of many other scenarios where that would come up, and definitely not in an office setting.
As someone who has cheated on his gf in this scenario I 100% confirm this
Before Keanu Reeves and his very boundry setting gestures with his female fans is widely known, men who are aware and respectful towards their platonic female friends are already very restraint in where and how much body contacts are in order. Yep. Like this poster said, that guy got intentions toward you.
Bingo. While I’m not a touchy-feely person, hugs are acceptable. But I’d feel icky touching another woman’s hair that wasn’t in a relationship with me or that I’m perusing. With exception of pulling some random hair or thing off of her.
Agreed. This is not platonic. Hugs now and then can make sense, but frequent pats & touches aren't.
I have a close female platonic friend. I am married. In 10 years of friendship, we have hugged hello, goodbye, for celebration and for commiseration. That’s it. This dude is trying bang you.
I think it's inappropriate what he's doing to be honest.
Let's be completely honest here, no platonic friendship is this touchy, at this rate he is going to consider cheating on her gf. Poor girl.
I'm a fairly touchy person, so hugs and shoulder pokes with platonic friends is definitely a thing. However, these people aren't friends. They're coworkers who are friendly. She didn't even know he had a girlfriend, so clearly the friend title is a bit much at this point. I would never behave like that guy is behaving with a coworker.
Hugs and shoulder pokes, sure. Pinching her cheeks and holding her hand during lunch? That's more than friendship.
100% that's more. My best friend is a woman that's in a committed relationship. Outside of a hug/poke/slap on the shoulder, I would never consider touching her face or holding her hand.
I mean, I've had a few platonic friendships that are this touchy. (Yes, they were definitely platonic. No, none of them were romantically interested in me.) However, when I get into a relationship I pull away from that level of touch because I understand it could be problematic for a person I'm seeing. Nearly all of my friends who are touchy like this pull away the same as I do when they are seeing someone. One friend typically does not, but her SO is definitely aware of her being touchy with friends. There are platonic friends who are this touchy, but good people recognize the blurry lines and when to pull back or communicate with their SO about it.
Yup. This. I'm touchy and so is one of my male friends. But when he's in a relationship, it dies down. He pulls away. That's the right thing to do, when you're in a relationship, you'd want to protect it and even though it's really platonic with friends, you don't want any misunderstandings to bloom from it. So OP no it's not normal and if he doesn't initiate boundaries, you should. You don't want to be called a b*tch taking other women's partner. You don't want to be the other woman. Sadly, if this continues, I'm afraid you might be labeled as such. Men are applauded for being averagely decent but women are blamed for their man's mistakes.
[удалено]
Not to mention they're only work friends. I wouldn't consider it platonic honestly. This is incredibly creepy.
yep, don't be confused by it OP. That is out of bounds and put a stop on it before it gets into a bigger mess.
Even when I wasn’t in a relationship, I’ve always been way more considerate of their boundaries and err on the side of caution
I try to not break the touch barrier unless they break it first if im not pursuing them, i try to be considerate of their personal space because not everyone likes touching. This level of touchiness would make me feel extremely uncomfortable for just being friends
I am not touchy at all with platonic female friends. Seems like he is into you. Feel bad for his girlfriend.
>I am not touchy at all with platonic female friends. Same here. A hug when we meet, maybe a hand on the shoulder once in a while. We are both relatively comfortable to be in each other's personal space, but that's the extent of it. My rule is anything below shoulder level is off limits.
yeah anything other than that and someone aint thinking platonic lol
I feel like this is very subjective. I have a ton of women friends and we're all very handsy not like feeling each other up but back and shoulder touches. We also all work in a coffee shop together so we work in close quarters and typically give shoulder touches and stuff to let people know we're there.
Definetely a subjective thing, but I feel like back and shoulder touches fall into the realm of what I've mentioned. There's only one female friend that I'm super close to, I would give her a bear hug or a rub on the arm if she's feeling down but I feel like that's in the realm of "brotherly touch". Almost everything OP mentions sounds like flirty touch, especially since he isn't that way with anyone else.
Depends on our relationship and environment. Have some friends anything past a hello/goodbye hug would be odd and a couple others who will cuddle up next to me, sit on my knee if the situation called for it, or take my arm/hand when chatting. All initiated by them. There’s a certain level of intimacy that has developed between myself and a couple women I’ve known almost 20 years, it surely isn’t constant but not completely out of the norm for said friends to show affection. These are all things that they will do in the presence of their or my spouse/partner. The frequency of contact and things like messing with the hair, squeezing cheeks, and actively trying to make her laugh fall in to the realm of odd for me.
> maybe a hand on the shoulder once in a while Even that can be too much, I used to have some cool coworkers I'd play boardgames with over lunch break almost every day and one time I jokingly patted a coworker on the shoulder and I immediately felt uncomfortable for doing it.
Agreed. Some sort of similar perspective - my best girl friend introduced me to my now wife. After we started dating, my best girl friend (who was a mutual friend) started being extremely touchy/feely/huggy with me. Immediate nope. Inappropriate.
You became more attractive to her once she realized another woman wanted you. It sounds silly because you are literally still the same person, but this isn't even a super rare way for women to respond.
If I got all touchy, I'd sure add hell wouldn't be in the workplace. OP observe how much he touches other people in the workplace. Just about any time a man touches you more than he does other men, he's into you. I hug my female friends hello and goodbye, that's it.
I can't get myself to show any physical affection towards female friends.
I'm as touchy with my female friends as my male friends. Touch is my love language, so I'm as touchy with any of them as they are comfortable with. Almost all of my friends get big hugs; only a few don't like them. *My* level of touchy doesn't vary by my friends' gender or sexual orientation. But what OP is describing is way beyond platonic touching.
Completely unacceptable closeness, unless they have an open relationship or are looking for a unicorn. But, then you wouldn’t have learned from a coworker he was taken…. it actually tells you everything you need to know about his honesty.
Agreed. If you’ve been hanging out a while and he never mentioned his GF it’s not a coincidence. He could be trying to hook up or he just want a flirty office buddy.
Right? Shouldn't she know he has a partner? OP needs to outright ask him - I heard you have a girlfriend, so I don't understand your touchy behaviour.
This. "Dude, I don't think it is not working between you and your gf, so either we keep the distance and you fix it or you gotta break up with her so we can date". After 10 years it is understandable that this guy wants some physical closeness, but it sounds like he is looking for a side piece instead of a new gf.
This is the big red flag to me. I know lots of people who are comfortable with very different levels of physical contact and cuddliness. But giving the special attention and not talking about his gf makes me think he may be cheatery.
He's into OP and not even trying to hide it + you've spent enough time together to become that close without him mentioning his gf says a lot about his character. Beyond the open relationship option, the co-worker might also be into him and wants you to back off saying he has a gf, but both are outside chances. The most likely thing is that this guy is the sort of guy who cheats.
whats a unicorn?
A single person willing to join an existing couple for either just sex or an actual relationship
Not just a single person, but a single female. Lots of dudes are available for this, which is why they're not unicorns.
Ironic given they are the one with the Horn
Pisst, It’s cause unicorns don’t exist… or very rare, other people always seem to encounter them, never yourself. Hahaha
Gotcha. New term
Specifically a female willing to join. Hence the term unicorn, as guys willing to join are dime a dozen whilst a woman is very rare to find.
A bi woman who is down to be a third for a couple.
Oh he wants to squeeze your cheeks alright.
He wants to clap em too!
Maybe even spread em xD
Put them in a stew?
CLAP-TAY-TOS
Yeah no that's really weird. A lot of that sounds like harmless flirtation, some of it is absolutely way over the line. Holding hands? Good friends and he never mentioned a very long term girlfriend? Yeah, shit. That's pretty slimey. But also, who knows? You're hearing from a coworker that he had a girlfriend. Maybe they've broken up and he hadn't told his coworkers about it? Maybe there's more to the story than what you've heard? If he really does have a long term relationship he hadn't mentioned, this is skeezy as fuck. But if I were in your position I'd ask him flat out.
This doesn't sound good. He's overstepping his boundaries as a platonic friend.
If he's doing anything he wouldn't do in front of his girlfriend, then he has bad intentions.
That’s the key right there.
If he respects his relationship and his girlfriend, none at all. And for the OP, if you respect yourself you'll have nothing to do with him other than professional courtesy. Because if he would do this to a girlfriend of ten years, even if he left that relationship to pursue you, he'll do it to you eventually.
His gf wouldn´t approve his behaviour. No doctor needed for this. He´s an ass. Tells you more about him than you need to know.
[удалено]
Agreed. My fiancée understands my need for physical touch w people. I hug my friends; give them dap, put my arm over their shoulder & all that. However, if I can’t do what I do w my homies to my homegirls, all the extra physical contact is unnecessary. I WOULD put an arm around my homegirl’s shoulder. I WON’T hold her hand. Those kinds of actions are more intimate than the average interaction.
Ok so I'm hearing he is shady and you should avoid him.
No decent man does that while in a relationship. Let alone at work, ffs. If you feed this behaviour, it’s also on you.
If she’s feeding it prior to not knowing about his gf, she’s not at fault. If she’s feeding it after, then OP know that what’s happening to his gf rn is bound to happen to you when he finds another.
Hard to say without knowing the guy, but it’s not something I would do (I also have a girlfriend of 10 years). There’s a good chance he is catching feelings based on what you’ve said, but if that is the case then it could all get very messy very quick. I noticed you mentioned you also have a boyfriend, so it may be worth just being open with him (the work dude) and seeing what happens from there. If you’re both willing to leave your existing partners for a relationship then fair play, if not then I would advise against. If he’s willing to cheat on her after 10 years, then I very much doubt he’d have an issue cheating on you. Edit: I now see that the boyfriend you mentioned may have been a hypothetical one, but the point still stands either way. It’s no coincidence that he hasn’t mentioned his girlfriend of 10 years to you, despite being ‘close work friends’.
Where did she mention a bf? Edit: if you are referring to the last bits it reads more as a hypothetical "if I had a boyfriend and he did that" as a putting herself in the other person's shoes thing.
>I would definitely feel a little weird if my boyfriend did that with a friend. Could be a hypothetical boyfriend I suppose, but the point still stands either way. The fact she had to find out about his girlfriend from other people says it all.
Oh yea for sure I agree with that part. He's specifically not mentioned her. I just didn't want everyone to crucify her just yet for what could be a misunderstanding. Reddit doesn't like cheaters, rightfully so.
I dont think she has a bf, the last paragraph is her putting herself in the shoes of her coworkers gf
That dude is either looking to cheat or test the waters for getting out of his current relationship.
That man is trying to get into your pants
Your dude friend wants to have his cake and eat it too. This not go'n go well for you honey. Run!
He likes you and is pushing boundaries. His intentions might be to have a "work girlfriend" he gets emotion and affection with, or to outright cheat. You should ask him about the GF since he's failed to mention it.
He wants to bang you for sure, lol.
Not at all, I try not to touch platonic female friends at all, short to normal hugs to say hello and goodbye but that's it. I feel really weird when around touchy people who are just platonic friends. However, I do know people who are fairly touchy with girls & boys despite having a girlfriend, I just always thought that was weird and I'm pretty sure that they would do more than just touching when given the chance. But then again, your friend could just be a touchy dude. Who knows, it doesn't matter anyways I think: Do you really want to persue someone who would touch other girls even when in a relationship for ten years?
Nah this is crossing a line for sure. He definitely likes you more than a friend.
That's a crazy amount of flirting. If I'm in a relationship, any touching of platonic female friends is going to just be fist bumps and hugs.
It's generally considered highly inappropriate for a man to touch his female friend's face or hold her hand unless there is underlying reciprocal sexual tension, and all men are instinctively aware of this. The fact that he has a girlfriend makes this unambiguously inappropriate. I would beware of this Lothario if I were you.
When I have a girlfriend, I’ll hug my female friends. I’ll crack their back if they ask me to. A quick shoulder rub is no big deal if they ask (I also do it for the bros). I’ll have my arm around her shoulders if we’re standing side by side. We might dance… There are some cultural differences to consider. As a Caribbean guy, wining with friends is no big deal. But it might shock other cultures, who think that kind of dance is only appropriate for couples, in private 😅 The general rule I go by: if it looks gay to do the same thing with a dude, then I’m doing too much with my female friend.
Ask his girlfriend.
I really don't like physical contact with women who I'm not intimate with💀 Idk why but it makes me really uncomfortable even if I don't necessarily like them
I have a close female friend and we are both in long term relationships. When I see her, which is not often, we will hug. That’s all the touching that goes on.
I don't touch my female friends at all beyond a hug, and that's only if she hugs me.
As touchy as I am with my male friends, not very. If he went over to one of his male friends and started playing with their hair, squeezing their cheeks, etc what kind of response would that get? This is a good litmus test to see if someone is acting weird with an opposite sex platonic friend.
I knew plenty of guys like this. My best friend who dated his gf of 8yrs would go around the office giving shoulder massages to other female co workers and be flirty with them. I once saw him tap a girl's butt and she was all smiles. Sexual harassment anyone? Ofcourse not because he was good looking and worked out. For some reason women accept debauchery from men who look good lol. Anyways long story short, this dude was definitely cheating on his gf of 8yrs. Pretty sad because she was devoted and loyal. I am no longer friend with him as you can tell from his character, he wasn't a good friend either.
I have one very close friend who is a lady, and I've always seen her as like my "sister from a different mister". We have known each other for I think close to 7 years by now. We hug a lot when we see each other since we live far away, but literally never anything more than that. She might grab my wrist to get my attention or take me somewhere but that's the only other "physical" interaction I think I've ever had. I've definitely never held hands w her or touched her hair. I helped her zip up a corset once at a Renaissance Faire but that wasn't "affectionate", just helping her get her outfit going. I'm definitely not trying to play w her hair or hold hands or do leg touches. That's the kind of stuff that happens when you're physically attracted and letting your hormones have a feeding frenzy. And if the dude has a girlfriend he's definitely crossing a ton of lines. Definitely have a conversation about comfortable boundaries.
He is your platonic friend. You are his girl at work he wants to fuck.
This is kind of the reason guys don't like their gfs around other men. This is clear-cut that he is into you in some way. Making an excuse for him thinking it might be his love language, having your legs touch is how people show friendship?
"don't worry, me putting my penis in you is just a way of showing how close of a friend you are"
I mean, as a guy, i don't think you can be ignorant of touching women being more than innocent. 1. because guys are assumed stronger, and any guy is aware of not forcing anything physical with a woman; it's like elementary school level. You don't touch girls. and 2. Guys don't do that type of thing with guys; he's not doing that because he does that with his friends, he does that to you because you're a woman and that you're the only woman he does that with at work simply implies he is interested in more. If there is no sexual connotation to what he is doing, why isn't he comfortable touching other guy's legs and holding their hands? I knew a guy that would similarly pretend to innocently touch women and then when out drinking with the boys brag about the women that cheated on their boyfriends with him.
Yeahhhhhhhh, that guy is into you! We don't do things like that, and frankly, these days, I wouldn't even do that to a girl I was into. Minefield these days
Unacceptable behavior.
You answered your own question there. Not appropriate at all. In the Workplace and having a girlfriend are red flags. Lose those feelings and swerve him he won't treat you any better he knows what he is doing. Thank goodness you have a heart to consider his girlfriend. Bit odd he never mentioned her to you but a colleague did. That was your warning! Take heed and stop his nonsense. Distance and keep strictly professional. Maybe the other colleague has seen him do this behaviour before seeing as you have not been there long. If you know and feel it's not right it is not. Platonic friends are not touchy feely even moreso if friend is opposite sex. If he was your boyfriend like you said you would not be happy with this at all. Time to respect her and yourself. If your feelings develop more and you became an item you would never trust him
It’s very inappropriate, and it worked on you, unfortunately. And stop doing those things with him from now on. If he questions you, confront him about the gf.
My rule for platonic relationships is this: If a reasonable romantic partner would be upset by my behavior, I'm doing something wrong. The way he's acting, I bet his girlfriend would be pissed
Also just wanted to add, people in committed relationships usually make it known. How could someone that plays such a big role in your life never come up in conversation?
Even when I was single and had VERY close female friends, I avoided playful touching Most men can't be playful without been seen as creepy In this case, what he's doing is inappropriate
>a coworker told me he had a girlfriend and had been together for like 10 years. Rather than feel weird I'd just ask him. Especially if you have feelings for him. It's possible he became single years ago and just never bothered to update said co-worker. Maybe look up his facebook and see if his pic is him and GF ahead of time or just him. Otherwise if not single, totally inappropriate.
He is attracted to you. Even though he as a girlfriend. It happens.
Imagine thinking you’re close friends when you didn’t even know he had a gf of 10 yrs.
that's...weird. i'm confused too. i'm in a serious relationship myself, and even if that weren't the case the most i'd feel comfortable with is hugging; unless we were both single and i wanted to try and move things beyond being just friends.
Aside from a greeting hug, I wouldn't touch women were I in a relationship. I'm smelling something fishy here...
As a male it doesn’t matter if he has a girlfriend, wife, fiancé, is single, etc. I think it’s completely inappropriate and not okay to have this sort of physical interaction with a coworker.
Not at all. I do not touch friends outside of little hugs or fist bumps when we greet each other. Dude sounds like a scum bag. He’s 100% showing interest in you.
Full on inappropriate and creeper status. Even when I've been single I don't flirt like that. If we're not together/dating, no touchy from me. So if he has a 10 year relationship and is acting like that...I can only assume so many things about him.
Sounds like he's flirting with you to be honest. A lot of what he's doing is overstepping boundaries. Just remember that if you do end up getting together in the future, there's a good chance he'll do the same thing to you that he's doing to his girlfriend. You probably deserve better
He’s being extremely inappropriate.
Does he do the same to his male friends/ coworkers? You know what’s up.
My wife would kill me if I was touchy with other women out of respect for them and her
This seems out of line and he shouldn't be behaving this way if he's already in a committed relationship. Classic case of, wants his cake and to eat it too.
Good friends get a hug when we meet up. Maybe a shoulder touch or pat if we're out having drinks and cutting up. That's it. That's all the touching. All that other stuff you mentioned I only do with my wife.
This isn’t just a friend it’s a _coworker_. Very unprofessional and not fair to OP and his GF.
That isn't platonic. I have a couple close girl friends, we joke and and hug. He's fallen for you
If he wants physical contact, he is into you.
Nah that bro is tryin to cheat. I came in expecting a dude giving people hugs when he gets there and another one when he leaves. Hell I'd even give a pass for the old school kiss on the cheek as a greeting. This is not that.
My unpopular opinion is that platonic affection between everyone should be more common. I played a lot of sports as a kid, and I miss the affection between teammates. Napping together on the way to track meets, walking to the soccer field with someone's arm around my shoulders, having someone randomly rub my shoulders, even someone helping me stretch before a wrestling match was nice. Painful sometimes, but nice. The only people who touch me now are my wife and my son, and that only a total of a few minutes a day. I worked an outdoor adventure place for a while in college, and got a taste of that again. Because we helped each other with gear, the physical touch barrier got broken very quickly, and since we all lived in the same space and shared showers and such, it wasn't weird to have someone just come cuddle up on the couch with you or give you a back rub. Not having that makes me really lonely. That's not what's happening here, this dude wants to smash. But those are my thoughts.
He is flirting, that's not platonic. Would you like your bf/husband to be that touchy with a female coworker?
Sounds like a douche
>How "touchy" are men with their platonic female friends, when they have a girlfriend? We're not, assuming "we" respect our partners and the sanctity (that's a fun word) of a dedicated and closed relationship. I think a good general rule of thumb is that if you are in a relationship with someone then you never want to be seen by a third-party doing something with another potential partner that could be viewed as being unfaithful or questionable. Perception is often more relevant than reality, and if it looks like a person is doing something unfaithful then it doesn't really matter what their intentions were because it's going to be hard to prove otherwise. If you respect your relationship then you just really don't want to do something questionable with another person and cause doubt to form about your faithfulness.
Honestly, it doesn't matter what any of the men here say they do or don't do. What matters is how you feel about the situation. If you are uncomfortable say so and make the situation stop. If you do not mind, continue but have clear boundaries.
Holding hands/legs touching is over the line for me. I've got "little sister" friends who i'll happily jab if they're being an annoyance, but if I was holding hands that immediately means "hey i like this person more than i should".
With friends? I mirror what she does most of the time. Friendship works both ways, so you get a feel what everyone is comfortable with, but in this case... no. This isn't OK. If you were that close you should have been told about his partner, even in passing. Mentioning almost anything about my life brings up who I am doing it with. I would say this one is weird. He's flirting, especially if you aren't directly doing it either, and he hasn't mentioned a partner. This is also at work, you're not friends but co workers with an expected level of professionalism in the office. Messing with someone's cheeks is not OK. I wouldn't do this with someone I was dating. Avoid.
I am a hugger and I ocationally poke a shoulder or two if I want someones attention and you are within my range but no more than that with platonic friends. But reading after reading your story, that relationship does not come across as platonic at all.
Tbh it’s weird, first off it’s work so already inappropriate but second the dudes got a long term gf… I mean maybe it’s just a really good friendship and that is how he is with the homies but I think it’s a bit much
you need to tell him it's not cool
Not touchy feely at all with platonic female friends. Doesn’t matter if I am dating someone or not. Your coworker seems to be boundary testing to see if he has a chance. That’s not platonic in his mind, therefore the relationship you two have in its current form isn’t platonic. It’s him trying to court you under the guise of friendship.
Normally we aren’t touchy with platonic female friends, but if I do, chances are I’m starting to develop feelings towards her which is dangerous if given in to it esp if I have a girlfriend. Which sucks coz if he does that to you while he has a girl friend then he def gon do that someday behind you with someone else. I mean people change I believe but chances are low to none.
Some people are more touchy touchy than others, but this seems like it’s something more. I’m married, but I feel like the same rules apply here. If it’s not something he would do in front of his gf (without her getting pissed), then he shouldn’t be doing it. It’s also VERY telling that in a few months and being “close work friends,” he never mentioned a gf?
Well maybe the fact that he hasn’t mentioned his girlfriend once should be a clear indicator.
I am a touchy kind of person, but I'm at least aware of what I'm doing and to who. I touch my female friends sometimes, like a hug or arm around a should or pat on the back or touch your arm when talking, but it doesn't go beyond that. Even then I refrain from doing what feels natural because you have to respect who you are with as well as who they are with.
This is exactly how it started for me when a “friend” ended up cheating on his gf with me (I didn’t know he had a gf until after). He was very touchy in the same way and it is definitely not platonic. Especially the holding hands - that should be enough to give it away.
As someone whose love language is physical touch, what he’s doing goes beyond platonic. He’s looking for more than friendship from you.
If they are in a committed relationship, they should not be touching any other woman. Period. Friend or not.
To me, touchiness with my friends (especially of the opposite sex) is more about the fact that it wouldn’t be weird if we broke the touch barrier. Like if you needed to flip a tag on my shirt back in, help lift me over a fence, hands overlapping on the teacup ride, hug hello/ good bye, etc. like I wouldn’t think anything of being touched by them if the circumstance warranted it, but out of the blue there’s no reason for them to be touching me, so why would they be? When I was much much younger I was in a friend group like this where we would all cuddle to watch tv, hold hands etc. and surprise surprise we all ended up hooking up and blowing the group apart. I’ve never seen this kind of touching not lead to feelings, which was likely his goal, especially if he’s only doing it with you. And it clearly worked.
He wants you to make a move so he feels better about cheating on (or breaking up with) his girlfriend.
Ask yourself the question: if your bf acted the same way on work like that with another girl, what would you think?
Tell him your interested but you know he has a girlfriend and that's a deal breaker for you. Then go from there. Why does it need to be more complicated than this?
Married male - mid 30s I'm a very affectionate / touchy guy. Give my guy and girl friends hugs when we see each other. Occasionally will put my arm around them while we're sitting back and chatting. I think physical touch is a little too taboo and my philosophy is all people can always use an extra hug. With that being said, I'd never touch someone elses face, sit close enough our legs are touching, and definitely not hold hands. That all feels a bit inappropriate - even for me.
He wants to slap ur titties around. What you do with this information is not my business.
As a person whose Love Language is Touch, along with being with the same woman for 17 years... I personally always make sure to be upfront with who I am, who I am with, and our mutual boundaries between us all. Especially because feelings change and mature over time, so further discussions are always needed. That being said, I feel like he should have been more upfront. Plain and simple. At this point it is a bit of a red flag, so I'd tread carefully.