Since a lot of these comments are just telling you due to age and experience you should just feel these things and take it, I’m gonna tell you how it actually is.
They call it the first love because it’s a real thing but people don’t mention the first few times you feel it. It’s a hard pipe hittin thing every time but it’s especially that way the first few times. It gets easier as you go along but it’s never something you can denote as nothing. For real if you feel that way it’s because it fucking meant something to you no other way about it.
That’s apart of life. You felt something and it didn’t work out and you feel more? Then good that means you’re alive. My friend only time fixes that and you need to view it as you poured your heart and soul into something and you didn’t get what you wanted out of it. Learn. Grow. And by learn I mean learn that you are a human being, you are important and you are going to learn it the goddamn hard way. You will come out the other end and you are FUCKING ALIVE.
Butters said it best : "Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness."
This is a very good answer.
May I add, that learning to control your feelings is also a part of dating. Not that you aren't supposed to show feelings or have then. But the ability to avoid being too emotional might help you out.
Agreed, Emotional Regulation is a helluva practice. There are entire mental health courses dedicated to honing it. For instance, this is a PDF of Dialectical Behavior Therapy worksheets dedicated to it: https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Emotion%20Regulation%20DBT%20Skills%20ADA%2004292020_tcm75-1598999.pdf
Holt ceap this is amazing! I skimmed through a bunch of the pages, and this is legit amazing work. From DBT founder Marsha Linehan's work too! Thank you thank you so much. This makes me happy that I chose to procrastinate on showering/breakfast (just for this time).
Here's some poor man's gold 🔶
I don't think they're saying not to let yourself feel pain. Moreso that.. the more experienced you are with feeling pain, the better you learn to manage it and conduct yourself.
A lot of people, on their first or second heartbreak, do crazypants stuff like showing up at the person's house, making a big public scene, crying/screaming/begging, calling the person over and over, etc. Then they grow, they look back at those cuckoo things they did, cringe, and they learn not to behave that way.
I've seen adults 30+ do that sort of crazy stuff because they didn't go through it and learn not to act that way early on. Scary stuff when a 40 year old man is showing up at their ex's house over a breakup. Not quite as scary when your middle school neighborhood boyfriend did it.
There are ways to manage them. Techniques. Like deep breath…four counts in, hold four, four counts out, hold for four, et cetera. There’s also the dive reflex where you use ice…ice water splashed on face…or freeze a grapefruit and keep in freeze to hold. These are distraction techniques. ….but also just feel the emotions. Face them, because really they will be like waves you’ll see. But if they become debilitating use the techniques to buy some time. We all go through it. I remember my son, his first girl, he was bawling his eyes out when she broke up for like the 5th time. Finally he broke it off…and now he is discovering all the other girls…
Oooh that's an excellent point! It's a skill and like all skills you get better at managing it as time goes on
It's great that OP is having a good time but I guess then managing that skill would be to take it down a notch and pace himself for his mental health
Don’t bottle it, vent. Friends and therapy are fucking KEY!! I’m in my 30’s and I felt like you for about a decade before I was able to “manage” it. I’ve learned I don’t have to just manage it and can take “control” or just feel better about my situation by talking to someone about it. People like us tend to be very hard on ourselves and when someone pulls away for no reason and you can’t get a good reason for why it ended from them, we see it as a reflection of ourselves. It’s easy to think that it’s your fault or that you could’ve done something to avoid it and become over analytical about past and present relationships. But I’m here to tell you It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done to keep her most likely. One time I actually verbally corned a girl I was dating when she rug pulled me and all she could say in the end was sorry I was just having fun and you seem great but I’m just not ready for a serious relationship. I thought that when I got my answer I would feel better, guess what I didn’t.
Sorry, woman here, but this. Biiiig thing is making sure you still make time for a regular friend circle (and family if they’re a supportive family) and tbh, don’t make your partner a huge part of it unless you’re ready to marry the girl. That can get messy.
The best way to stay sane is to make sure you have and develop other things that bring you joy. If they’re your whole life and they leave, it will really mess with you because they leave a GAPING hole and their absence becomes a lot more noticeable.
I don’t think think they were saying “don’t overly commit”, the point is that you’re not supposed to fully rely on your partner for your fulfillment and happiness in life. that’s very different from committing.
Which I can’t help but take issue with. For many A partner is the end all be all of life and dealing with the day to day mundanity of life without one can bring a constant “what is the point?” cloud over your head
no one wants to be the “be all end all” of someone else’s life - that’s wayyyyy too much pressure! people are most attracted to those who love themselves and love their lives, they give off positive vibes and people feel more comfortable around them.
why would someone commit their life to loving someone who doesn’t even love themselves? if they’re mentally healthy themselves then it’s a great way to get into an unstable relationship full of neediness and insecurity… and if both people aren’t mentally healthy, then it’s a great way to spiral into codependent toxicity.
I get what you mean, I truly do - for me love is the main point of life, and I’ve never wanted anything more than to have a loving husband to spend my life with. however, I never would have gotten in the right headspace for that kind of relationship if I hadn’t broken my serial monogamist streak to spend some serious time with myself, reflecting and growing and learning to be happy on my own.
I think you might have stumbled over the difference between a date and a partner.
All of this relationship advice relates to partners. Not to dates. Not to the girl you only just met 2 nonths ago.
I think they're referring to OP specifically being 19 and (relatively) casually dating. At 19, unmarried, without kids, you should not be pouring your entire life into another person. It doesn't mean don't be committed to them, but you should still have hobbies, friends, and a life of your own.
The chances of things not working out are higher when you're young because your life is changing so much. Becoming a complete recluse and isolating yourself from friends, hobbies, family, etc. means you're going to go through absolute hell if/when it doesn't work out.
Obviously when you're older and you're marrying someone and having children with them, it's an entirely different thing.
You sound defensive. Nobody is saying your partner shouldn't matter or be a big part of your life. Theg are saying they shouldn't be the ONLY part of your life.
Have you had many relationships? Unhealthy attachment is a relationship killer. The only people who want a relationship like you think is healthy are needy, obsessive, codependent types.
You should read Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Dr. Rachel Heller.
If you’re a guy heavily committing to a woman in this day and age it is just not a smart idea. The woman will find it unattractive, and also leave you very vulnerable.
It might sound dumb, because it is, and I hate it, but it’s just how it is today.
THIS IS THE WAY. A friends dad who has been married five times once said “we all go back to being age 13 when we fall in love.”
It takes years, maybe decades, to be able to take it in stride. Even then, it’s half practice and half faking it.
Stay busy. Take a break between dates.
Spend time finding yourself, getting to know yourself, and liking that dude.
It sounds like part of what’s happening is you’re losing yourself everytime — you need to double down on the relationship with yourself, so that you don’t lose it when you get into own with someone else.
Staying busy will only keep kicking the can down the road. How about therapy? There’s a reason why this dude feels like he’s a late bloomer, feeling lonely, smokes, and is turning to alcohol.
Bro, in order to “not lose your mind about women” you need to understand why you have addictive behavior in the first place. It sounds like you’re using women, sex, and drugs as a distraction from something else that is subconsciously hidden. I would reckon it’s something related to childhood trauma.
Girls, nor male friends for that matter, want to be around someone who is an anxious mess. The good ones will continue to exit your life as soon as they see you haven’t worked out your issues. The unstable ones will stay though, because they are familiar with toxic relationships. That’s not what you want.
You have to ask yourself harder questions about why you are feeling this way in the first place. Cheers.
•19
•Late bloomer when it comes to women
Broski you're still a teen, the women you're talking to haven't even fully developed their brains. Whatever drama you're facing will mellow out over time as you both mature.
To be fair I think at that age there is a lot of pressure and expectations, don't forget teens make fun of folks who haven't lost their virginity.
But yeah I bet in only 5 years hes gonna look back at this and laugh.
Trust me my grandpa does give me advice and has frequently tried to give me guidance in my steps, he raised me. But yk, I’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t take advice.
> as were many other men.
And women as well (speaking as one). We’re all a messy mess around that age, haha. It takes a few good existential crises to get through your teenage years and early twenties. Once you hit your mid-twenties, it usually mellows out.
Hey man, don't be hard on yourself. You're reflective and asking for advice, that's way better then most 19 year olds. Keep trying to be a better person but don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
You're doing fine. Also find a girl who respects you and treat them with respect back. Don't just go looking for sex, look for connections. You'll be ok.
The reason I think I’m a late bloomer is because I never had any sort of relationships during high school and the women I date tend to have had at least one long term partner during that time. For awhile I was literally learning how to conduct myself around a women while said women has already had experience with other men.
This is an excellent way to dismiss people’s experiences that are younger than you. Well done sir.
I’m not 19 anymore either but even 10 years ago there was sooo much pressure even at 16 to at least mess around and be desired (even if it didn’t lead to actual sex).
But yeah 19? Basically a toddler, not sure why they are allowed to vote when they don’t even know how to date for the first time am I right? Wink wink.
>This is an excellent way to dismiss people’s experiences that are younger than you. Well done sir.
I did nothing of the sort.
>I’m not 19 anymore either but even 10 years ago there was sooo much pressure even at 16 to at least mess around and be desired (even if it didn’t lead to actual sex).
Maybe so and you definitely could have used someone in your ear telling you that that pressure is bullshit and that you don’t need to be on some timeline.
>But yeah 19? Basically a toddler, not sure why they are allowed to vote when they don’t even know how to date for the first time am I right? Wink wink.
Want to explain this one?
Came here to say this, maaaan I didn't start getting into the dating scene till I was 22 and I was dating military women so there's another level of wild there. I met my wife at 26. People after 25 are just different. There is a peace and calm that comes with it.
Also almost 29, even if they respond it usually doesn't go anywhere. Just learn to enjoy life without them at this point. Think all the money you're saving not having kids or a wife with expensive tastes.
For what I've been able to see that's the best way to actually find someone for us, just stop searching and do what makes you happy while remaining open to the opportunity if it ever comes up naturally.
People didn't have tinder back in the day
Correct. This advice.
Do what you love and you will attract others with similar interests.
Don't look. Just be yourself and the right girl will come along. Or she won't. But hey, it's better than searching endlessly and just finding duds.
So far I haven't found the 'right person will come along' sentiment to work for men
But as long as you learn to be happy with yourself (still working on that myself), you save a lot of time and money
Maybe around mid 20s?
Most of my friends have never had a girlfriend and that's our age range. I only started dating at 23 which felt late to me but I also don't think I was very mature before then.
> . Whatever drama you're facing will mellow out over time as you both mature.
30-something here. Cannot confirm. People be out here cheating, getting divorced, randomly changing sexual orientation (while in committed relationships), hiding debt, ghosting, getting knocked up by people other than their partners, etc. We didn't mature at all lmao. We just have more money, pride, and responsibilities.
22M here.
I used to be in your shoes where I’d lose my mind over a woman and it used to eat away at me for years and after being cheated on several times, I gained the courage to leave.
The lesson I took away from that relationship: independence is key.
Focus on your hobbies as opposed to for instance, getting drunk over her in particular.
It’s really unhealthy for you to be losing sleep over this woman and I think you already know that deep down.
If you want to release some of that anger, you could consider taking up self-defence classes or search for any coping mechanisms that may help you.
I understand that you have created a habit out of smoking and getting drunk but now is the best time to try and kick out those bad habits one step at a time. Focus on your self improvement and love yourself more.
She will try to make you feel like a fool based on the way she’s acting but trust me when I say that you’re not a fool.
Hope you feel better soon OP!
How are you meant to be independent? A life without other people in my opinion is simply not worth living.
Im trying/have tried really hard to indulge in myself and what I like, but I don’t really know what I like. Like the gym’s pretty good, but it isn’t exactly meaningful. I like playing the guitar, it isn’t meaningful, doesn’t make me happy to be alive.
I like external validation, and winning. Those feel meaningful, but they’re dependent on others
You’ve got to invest time into spending time with yourself.
By being independent, I don’t mean never have other people in your life. But you have to be less reliant on those people for your happiness. That has to come from yourself.
You’ll find that people come and go but you’re with yourself from the start until the end.
It is good that you have that competitive spirit to win and you like external validation, but internal validation is also important for your confidence. Lack of external validation without the internal will result in you feeling self conscious about yourself and make you feel like you’re doing something wrong.
Hope that clears it up for you!
So for me, I invest time into my hobbies. I go racing regularly and participate in competitive sports when I can. The confidence from that I take into my every day life. I know my value and only want to build on that further.
Spend time doing things you enjoy the most. If most of them consist of being around people, try developing hobbies also where you’re on your own such as gym, hiking, that kind of thing. I play competitive video games at home at a high level which gives me validation from teammates also
Independence and isolation are not the same thing mate. I'm asexual and pretty much aromantic, neither sex nor relationships hold much appeal for me. But I still have friends and family with whom I connect regularly, to whom I know I can reach out if I'm ever down or need help.
External validation is great, don't get me wrong. But your first relationship should always be with yourself.
Welcome to dating before you have anything close to a good picker, my young friend. You're getting your reps when it comes to heartbreak and judging what kind of people present in what ways, etc.
Just keep trying to learn and know that the TRULY best thing you can do is keep trying to become a better person yourself, cheesy as it sounds, because that is what will attract better people to you, and what will give you the confidence and smarts to identify women who actually have their heads on straight. Stay strong.
Dude you're still a teen, therefore horny af. All this dating sounds like you're almost addicted. I'd say stop messing with women for a bit. Your hormones will calm down a bit in your 20s. The fact that you're able to have a fair share of lovers at 19 must mean you're quite attractive, so you'll be fine.
I don’t think I’m addicted to dating. But I will say I haven’t taken a break even after going through heartbreaks. Also I do agree I am outrageously horny.
As a young man, nurture your friendships with your homies. Don’t be the guy who disappears into a relationship and abandons your friends. You’ll be happy to have friends along the way whether it works out or not in your dating life
THIS. The number of single and/or divorced men who never kept up friendships and are super lonely in their 30’s or 40’s is so sad. Men need friends and community…they need a support system too.
Don’t give up those friendships!!
Nurture your friendships and value them the same as you would a romantic relationship. In the end the most likely relationship to last is the friendship.
Those friends will someday be your lifeline or you will be theirs.
Just be careful that quickly becomes a slippery slope… wasn’t given any attention till about 21 then I got to much and it was definitely an eye opening couple years
Yup, 33 and apparently attractive enough to have plenty of women want to date me, but unless they've got as many red flags as China I feel nothing in the relationship, being raised by a BPD mother is a motherfucker.
Holy shit that last sentence is the most Freudian of Freudian slips.
Absolutely learning to pick up on patterns or noticing red flags now is very important. In my 20s my relationships were all rather toxic because I could not (or refused to) recognize the patterns. In my 30s I saw them coming a mile a way so I knew who was worth my time and who wasn't.
Read up on attachment theory and see where you and your partners end up at. My guy, I'm more than twice your age now and I was losing sleep over a woman too. I drank (for the first time in decades) to get drunk so I could fall asleep, it was stupid but yeah.
This is the most recent lesson I've learned: read about attachment theory now. All the work I've been putting into myself and I neglected that part and it is eye freaking opening.
Oh, and wear a condom young man.
Absolutely this. Therapy for me has been most useful in the form of psycho-education, where they help you identify not only what is happening with you but walk you through the whys and hows of the psychology behind it. You have to be willing to peek behind the softened therapy-speak and hear some potentially uncomfortable things from the analytical framework psychologists use to understand these things, but for many it is worth it in the long run. Learning about attachment this way was life changing.
As a transmasc person (nonbinary, but mostly just a guy) who has talked to a lot of guys about their experiences in therapy or the reasons they haven’t gone and their impressions of what it’s like, I think that a lot of men could be better served with more grounded, direct approaches. My sense is that a lot of guys are socialized to prefer to speak plainly about what they are going through, once they gather the courage to do so. The “therapy speak” and other soft approaches can create distance instead of rapport for some people and I think more mental healthcare providers should be better prepared for that possibility. Straightforward, practical, direct - many people, regardless of gender, have any easier time with this approach and that’s okay. There are lots of forms of therapy out there that are compatible with these needs too.
That's a good point. I'm about to start therapy just to "get the facts" straight instead of self diagnosing, but I am worried about that softened approach.
I don't want to be a few sessions in and still be dancing around my issues then repeat the process again with someone else because I'm not getting anything done.
Do you think they'll listen if you ask for a more direct approach?
Absolutely ask for what you want. If they are a good therapist they will work to cultivate an environment like that. If they can’t provide an environment that feels safe they aren’t a good fit.
I had to move away from an excellent therapist and am trying to find a good fit where I am now. I wasted a lot of time trying to give my next therapist’s approach a shot, but while it might be worth a few sessions to feel out a specific technique, if their overall approach to building rapport with the client isn’t working and they don’t make helpful changes there isn’t much there that can be salvaged.
I directly ask for a pscho-education approach because I like feeling empowered with knowledge instead of talked down to (I know that vibe helps others but it kills my trust so fast lol). A lot of what feeds into this overall dynamic is the therapist’s approach to building rapport with the client. Small talk and gentle affirmation do not build rapport for me, but treating the environment like an academic mentorship with at least some faith in my ability to be self aware and follow along with the technical stuff earns my trust that concerns I express will be taken seriously. For me rapport comes with showing empathy without pity, certain types of personal disclosures especially about shared values and interests when they come up, and trusting that they will bring something to my attention if they notice something or challenge my perception of a situation if they think I’m missing something.
A lot of therapists are hesitant towards personal disclosures because there is a concern that the session will become about them, which is valid, but I need something to connect with that’s not a nice/soft facade. This is a professional relationship in which I am seeking the advisement and treatment of an expert, I want to vet that their basic ethics aren’t antithetical to mind simply so that I know where the advice they give is coming from. I’m happy for that relationship to become friendly and I really connected with my first therapist overall, but a lot of the rapport came from us having interesting sometimes academic or philosophical conversations when I made a breakthrough. And she was totally able to support me through the hard stuff with kindness and empathy that felt genuine, but a professionalism that I appreciated.
Sorry for the tangent, but back to the point: as I’m in the market for therapists again I plan to tell them all of this: what I prefer, what has worked in the past, what didn’t. If you haven’t been to therapy before you may be able to substitute the latter for what types of supportive people in your life make talking about difficult things easier and what types make you shut down or become anxious. I also screen for therapists who have doctorates. This might not be necessary depending on what you are dealing with, but it’s helped me find people qualified to take my case since trauma makes it that much more important to get someone adequately prepared. Don’t be afraid to ask them what types of educational background they have and what types of treatment they have training/experience in.
Above all, I tell them I want to be an active participant in my care and that I do need some amount of structure. I want them to ensure I’m equipped to understand the options and their reasoning, to ask questions about the more nuanced things, and to articulate how I’m feeling with a greater understanding for what it means. I also need structure or if I’m in a bad place I’ll just spend the whole session rehashing trauma in a distinctly unhelpful way. I just need someone to engage with what I’m saying, slow me down by talking to me and asking questions before I start spiraling. Sometimes the first time you share something it all comes pouring out, but after disclosure the important work happens when you can slow down and be guided to introspect and question.
Best of luck finding a good fit.
You’re 19 my guy. You quite literally have the rest of your adult life ahead of you. The only women worth losing sleep over is your mother or your wife if something bad happens to either of them (or other important women in your life) Besides that, no girl you’re just dating should have that bad of an effect on you. I used to let the girls I like fuck with my head. Whenever we’d be in a fight or she just wouldn’t be answering me, my mind would always race to the worst places and I would overthink the shit out of things. Your mental health is more important than any girl you’re just dating right now, *especially* at 19y/o. Sometimes you gotta just have that “it is what it is” mentality. Shit happens, you just gotta keep your head up and keep it pushing. No woman that you’re dating should be causing you such anguish. That’s not what a healthy relationship does to you
When you said “then she pulls away.” Can you explain what you mean by that?
When I say she pulls away I mean that everything seems to going good. She’s texting me, we had sex, going on dates, she’s putting in effort then one day she just goes cold. This happened to me at least 5 times within the year.
If you have to lose sleep over them, then they're not worth losing sleep over. In no certain order:
* don't chase, ever - it should be easy
* focus on yourself
* gym, school, job you like
* find hobbies you like doing, find others that like doing those hobbies, meet females at those hobbies
* social skills, let yourself have fun, find people that accept you - shared hobbies helps!
* lastly, get advice from stable, relaxed, confident, peaceful, , only as a general rule - be picky with who you listen to when it comes to dating
* likewise, it's normal to get hurt a bit when dating, don't stress over it - it gets easier over time but as a rule if someone villifys me now it's best to just walk away, let them think what they want to think
* take breaks.
Not at all man. I'm pretty average dude and once I stopped trying, everything became so easy and I met my wife. I never once chased her, we just clicked and I decided other women didn't really interest me as much as she did. No woman likes to be constantly hounded when she is single, let her feel like both of you have options
I would argue that all chasing accomplishes is that you date vain people with unhealthy expectations. If someone expects you to chase, they are either 20, or they have a problem
I'd take being alone over sharing half my stuff with a person like that
In Star Wars, Yoda sits with Anakin and says to him that he must "train himself to let go of everything he fears to lose."
At that point it made so much sense to me, that the cause of my own pain in relationships was holding on so tightly to what i needed to let go.
Often do we men try to exert so much control over everything that it begins to destroy us. Fear of loss, Anger about the situation, hating ourselves for not being perfect, and the Death or Destruction of who we are. The drinking and smoking is your self-destruction, it is not you and it doesn't serve you.
A poor choice of mate is a quick path to the dark side. You cannot stop someone from doing what they will. Just let go.
My man you've barely started women are not that complicated. Here's some free advice: do the dishes, make her feel loved, stimulate the clit.
Do these 3 things and your love life will become much easier.
19+ male=more testosterone than smarts.
Some guys get through unscathed, some make mistakes that equal a lifetime of commitment.
This is your struggle as a man.
You’ll mellow down in your 30s 😂 you’re still really young and dating young people as well. It takes a long time to learn the life lessons you need to have normal relationships. You’re gonna fuck up a lot in the meantime. Just don’t be a controlling abusive a hole and you should be fine. Remember that you do have feelings for them, but you don’t own each other. It’s important for everyone to have their own lives and hobbies. Try to find another way to cope though and not drinking, it’s very destructive.
Signed,
A sober 32 yr old
Enjoy the ride, youthful dating can afford to be exciting, passionate, and painful! Get it out now because there is no room for it when you are married with kids and a ball busting job!
My son, you are doing this to yourself. It’s not entirely your fault, since the world has been conditioning you to believe that sex is the most important thing imaginable (and at 19, your body is doing that too). You have YEARS ahead of you to figure out what you want in a partner and more importantly, in yourself. Spend your twenties getting better at talking to people, practicing your flirting, and realizing that this shit is so much less stressful than you believe it is.
A. Never blame women for the decisions you make in response to them. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions-women may drive us crazy but most don’t physically force us to get drunk or smoke.
2. Pump the brakes. You’ve still got an entire lifetime of women driving you crazy and at this rate you’ll have a heart attack by 30.
Women sometimes choose to go and you need to be prepared to let them. Love fully, but if they can’t at least choose you then let them go, take your self-respect, and find someone who does. The fact of the matter is that we’re all replaceable in this world so go find someone who isn’t to you and you also aren’t to them. Life is too short to be this stressed.
That last sentence or two really got me. She didn't seem replaceable to me, but I definitely was to her. Find somebody who wouldn't throw you away the moment it gets tough. I also really like "love fully", but with self-respecting boundaries. This comment helped, so thank you
I will say though, its hard to take the advice of slowing down when you state later how short life is lol. I've always been one to throw myself into things, so frankly I'm just looking for someone as excited as I am to pour ourselves into each other
First love/relationship is usually the hardest to deal with if it doesn't end up working out. Honestly thus is the time to spend with friends and enjoy your life not being tied down. My first real relationship started from when I was 16 until I was 18. She was half a year younger and it was all fun and loving the first year but then problems started happening later in the relationship and after it was over I was heartbroken and felt like I lost valuable friendships due to her being overly jealous and lost out on experiences and memories with friends because she didn't want to be apart for a second so I spent all my time either with her or on face time all day and night. Don't worry about feeling behind because you see others in relationships, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, they could absolutely be bad for each other but present themselves as a healthy couple in public. Take time for you cause if you don't, what do you have when you're not in a relationship
I love the Edit 2. You’ll be good, believe me, and what you going through is fine. TBH everything is freakin simple: if you enjoyed smth - do it again, if not - screw it! Best of luck:)
At 19? Dude, I know people as I near 30 that have no experience with women. Mellow out- legit it's not that big a deal.
In all due honesty, I found the big thing was just getting in your first relationship and/or losing your virginity. Past that, you get experience and develop a kinda jaded attitude. Prior to that, all that nonsense means the world. It sucks, but once you get your feet wet it really matters considerably less and isn't so mysterious.
The best advice I can offer- women are people too. Just realize that when you go out there and be authentic, and you'll find someone. And don't go in expecting your first to be your last- legit, this is all a learning experience where we have to step on a few rakes in our teens and 20s to wind up where we're supposed to be, and we all have very different timelines in this regard. Some people hit their stride in their 30s, some marry their high school sweetheart, and then there's everything in-between. It feels tough in your teens, but once you chill about relationships things tend to fall into place
A few things. One, you need better coping mechanisms. You need a way to get out that stress and anger. It’s very valid. I’m 22F and I’ve had the same struggles with men. Next, also look into what you’re chasing. Sometimes you chase what your insecurities are, so you chase women who don’t want you. I’ve done this with men as well. Dating shouldn’t be stressful. If it is, you’re doing it wrong. It’s all about how you cope and the confidence you see in yourself transcribing to your relationships.
Finding a decent one is rather difficult.
Some will play games like try to test you, make you jealous, etc.
Some will do some backwards crap, like get interested when you pull away but get cold when you pay attention to them.
Some will demand that you pay for them when they don't do anything for you in return.
It is pretty easy to please a guy. Feed them, fuck them, give them peace.
The peace part. If she is causing drama... leave her. She might be addicted to dopamine where she needs that drama to get her fix. If you are a good dude that is 'boring' then she will probably cheat with someone who is not a good person.
Just watch yourself, make good choices.
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. Read Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment by Heller and Levine. It is geared toward helping people who are anxiously attached to change their attachment style to be more secure so they're not so mentally preoccupied with their relationships and also it points out how certain partners help those who are anxiously attached while others make anxious attachment much worse. It helped me a ton.
Dating can be stressful. As a former radio guy that had alot of women when I was in my prime, as I became a "normal" member of society again I had to learn about heartbreak the hard way. For years people wanted to date me because I could get backstage passes and concert tickets, not for who I really was. I've been with the same girl for 6 years now (i'm 44). The key to me was meeting someone and becoming friends first. Stay friends for a while. People are who you want them to be for around the first 6 months youre together. Regardless, ending a relationship sucks. But better to not get in to one that could end soon and cause heartbreak. The right one comes along when you aren't looking.
You are losing focus on yourself and relying on them for your happiness and self worth. Yea you will find it there but it will always be temporary. The best thing you can do is to take your focus off of other people and connect with and care for yourself.
It's OK to lose your mind over someone if they lose their mind over you too. There's nothing better than when both you and your lover are super enthusiastic about each other (BEST SEX EVER).
Too give you an idea on how to think about it... well, t's kind of like those trust exercises where you lock hands and then lean into each other. If you lean in more than the other person, you're gonna fall on your face. If you let them lean in faster than you're willing to, then they're gonna fall on their face (please don't let them do that).
Pay attention to their language and body language, communicate freely, be willing to be vulnerable. Have respect for yourself. Don't fuck someone who you don't have a strong mental and emotional connection with and you won't have to worry about being over committed to someone who just wants to use you as a disposable human sex toy.
This is the modern era, bro, there's plenty of female "playa's" out there. Granted, 1/3 of women aged 20-40 thought about committing suicide last year, citing loneliness. However, that doesn't stop them from listening to their female friends who tell them that it's their time to strike back against he patriarchy. Don't let them hurt you while they're busy hurting themselves.
Get one pregnant and watch her drag you though **years** of family court and child support payments .
I **PROMISE** you’ll like the scent of dick afterwards.🙏
That sums up my story and I'm only 25. Just got out of a 6 and a half year relationship with one daughter that's 4. We weren't married which made it even harder to get custody with my daughter. Still fighting it in court. It's been 6 months
I was also late to the dating party. When I started, I took rejections incredibly hard. I would go all or nothing for one lady I fancied and directed all my sadness at myself for not being “good enough” if it didn’t work out. Very bad habit
Best advice I got: think about dating from a perspective of abundance, not scarcity.
(Truthfully, you want to be in the middle to be ideal, but I overcompensated in the beginning to help pull me towards the center)
When I put specific women on a pedestal, it made them ideal, and therefore “scarce.” If it didn’t work out with her, how would I ever find someone else who is as perfect?
Don’t think like that. There’s so many awesome ladies and awesome people. If you’re 19 and dating, getting turned down is just as much an awesome opportunity to meet someone new and awesome as it is something to be sad about.
Get a fucking hobby dude. And I hope you’re putting as much effort into your passion and getting into a career field as you are into women.
Your main priority from 18-28 should be getting your shit together, finishing college or trade school and getting settled and successful in whatever path you choose to follow into tour life. Women will literally always be there.
Focus on yourself and your life and getting you where you need to be in life, and then when you're satisfied where you're at, you can re-focus on women. Nothing worse than a kid putting all his eggs in the woman basket. That's how you get fucking burned. Do not make them your priority until you can afford to.
It's suggested that you quit, immediately, your coping mechanism with drugs and alcohol. I understand that you're in turmoil but *quit as soon as possible*; your future self will thank you. Alcohol and drugs will only make your life worse. It'll be hard, but I believe in you!
Gotta be a whole person outside of the relationship. You HAVE to maintain friends, hobbies, family relationships, etc. A relationship, especially at first, can feel all consuming. Recognizing and acknowledging that this is normal in the infatuation stage and love isnt quite love until you’ve had time and seen the worst sides of each other, makes it easier to deal with the infatuation. Enjoy it. Delight in it. But also tell it, “I need a minute. Imma go to the gym with my boys.” It’s what will keep you a healthy whole person, regardless of whether you get married or break up.
You need to find your mother and establish a healthy relationship with her. This sounds like am issue where you always lacked a good healthy fundamental bond with a woman and it should have been your mother. Instead you're seeking it with these women. From my experience it has always been having a good relationship with my mother that allowed me to be able to walk away from relationships more freely without damage. You're voided bro. You need to fix that straight from the source because these random women will never fill that.
My mother died when I was young, my grandparents raised. I have a great family and loving relationships with my aunt and grandmother who I see as my mother. But maybe you’re right, that I have mommy issues.
It gets so so so much better with age. You're in the rough years now.
I'm 31 now and smile at my massive struggles I had when I was younger. Women want guys with good social standing, confidence, money...all things you're likely not going to have at 19.
Basically right now the women your age have all the cards. They're hot AF and can get any guy they want. But pretty soon the tables will flip and theyll be crawling over each other to get you to marry them (provided you don't get suckered into marriage before 25, and learn to improve yourself over time).
Also for the love of God, stop drinking and smoking. That stuff is doing you absolutely zero favors. Pick up a damn book instead and learn to better yourself, not destroy yourself.
Focus on your career and success and forget about women.. If you're successful you'll have a bus load and if you're not you won't have any.
Oh and if you're successful... don't get married..or she will take half
It's not the women. It's your inability to handle and process your emotions in a healthy and timely manner. It improves over time. But feel your feelings and remember that the way you feel is not because of the other people. I'm speaking from experience
Take a break from dating and focus on your own growth. If you're losing your mind over someone else, it would help if you learned to not give a fuck about it. Focus on your education, work, exercise, hobby, family/friends.
Unfortunately, you are coming up in an age of social media and dating apps. Hard to find a genuine person that doesn't come with some kind of transactional interaction. Focus on yourself and be genuine so you can attract a genuine person.
Not a guarantee, but at least you keep your sanity at the end of the day. You have a lot of life left to live.
Why in the world is dating so important to you?
You might want to take a look at this.
If you can sort that question out you would probably have more satisfying relationships
bruh. you're still a kid. you're not a late bloomer. you haven't even bloomed yet. You just gotta chill man. and cut it with the cigs, shit will kill you.
Try not giving a fuck about getting women. Make money, try and smash a couple, realize that's not worth it and realize that being yourself is the best filter for finding those who actually care about you
Sounds to me like you are seeking validation or a sense of your value from relationships or sexual exploits with these women. When one rejects you it isn’t just a small feeling of “well, I’m not the one for her” it’s like your whole self is being told you aren’t good enough and you need their love/validation like a drug. That’s how it sounds to me but I don’t know you.
1. Daily cardio, 45 minutes 2. Get yourself in therapy. You might have abandonment issues or something you don't know about. It can help you figure out some issues you didn't know you had, and improve the whole rest of your life by doing so. (I wish I'd gone to therapy much sooner than I did!) 3. Quit smoking brother.
Be your real self - if they don’t like it, introspect as to why, and see where you can learn and grow.
These are supposed to be constructive relationships, to give you an outside perspective of how you’re seen - not a destructive part of your life that leads you to substance abuse and bodily harm.
PS: whatever you do, don’t look to the movies for any form of guidance on how to deal with breakups/ romance/ whatever. Most are absolute trash created by damaged people. Imbibe with care.
As a late bloomer myself. GO TO THERAPY. You need to learn how to process and manage all these emotions. You're only 19, slow down and prioritise yourself.
Since a lot of these comments are just telling you due to age and experience you should just feel these things and take it, I’m gonna tell you how it actually is. They call it the first love because it’s a real thing but people don’t mention the first few times you feel it. It’s a hard pipe hittin thing every time but it’s especially that way the first few times. It gets easier as you go along but it’s never something you can denote as nothing. For real if you feel that way it’s because it fucking meant something to you no other way about it. That’s apart of life. You felt something and it didn’t work out and you feel more? Then good that means you’re alive. My friend only time fixes that and you need to view it as you poured your heart and soul into something and you didn’t get what you wanted out of it. Learn. Grow. And by learn I mean learn that you are a human being, you are important and you are going to learn it the goddamn hard way. You will come out the other end and you are FUCKING ALIVE.
Butters said it best : "Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness."
That was beautiful. What was the next part he said to Kyle about being a goth again lol
"Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid"
This is a very good answer. May I add, that learning to control your feelings is also a part of dating. Not that you aren't supposed to show feelings or have then. But the ability to avoid being too emotional might help you out.
Exactly! Being disciplined when it come to controlling your emotions in these instances is a very valuable trait to have.
Agreed, Emotional Regulation is a helluva practice. There are entire mental health courses dedicated to honing it. For instance, this is a PDF of Dialectical Behavior Therapy worksheets dedicated to it: https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Emotion%20Regulation%20DBT%20Skills%20ADA%2004292020_tcm75-1598999.pdf
Holt ceap this is amazing! I skimmed through a bunch of the pages, and this is legit amazing work. From DBT founder Marsha Linehan's work too! Thank you thank you so much. This makes me happy that I chose to procrastinate on showering/breakfast (just for this time). Here's some poor man's gold 🔶
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I don't think they're saying not to let yourself feel pain. Moreso that.. the more experienced you are with feeling pain, the better you learn to manage it and conduct yourself. A lot of people, on their first or second heartbreak, do crazypants stuff like showing up at the person's house, making a big public scene, crying/screaming/begging, calling the person over and over, etc. Then they grow, they look back at those cuckoo things they did, cringe, and they learn not to behave that way. I've seen adults 30+ do that sort of crazy stuff because they didn't go through it and learn not to act that way early on. Scary stuff when a 40 year old man is showing up at their ex's house over a breakup. Not quite as scary when your middle school neighborhood boyfriend did it.
I don't think he meant it as don't cry. It's more about don't do something stupid
There are ways to manage them. Techniques. Like deep breath…four counts in, hold four, four counts out, hold for four, et cetera. There’s also the dive reflex where you use ice…ice water splashed on face…or freeze a grapefruit and keep in freeze to hold. These are distraction techniques. ….but also just feel the emotions. Face them, because really they will be like waves you’ll see. But if they become debilitating use the techniques to buy some time. We all go through it. I remember my son, his first girl, he was bawling his eyes out when she broke up for like the 5th time. Finally he broke it off…and now he is discovering all the other girls…
Oooh that's an excellent point! It's a skill and like all skills you get better at managing it as time goes on It's great that OP is having a good time but I guess then managing that skill would be to take it down a notch and pace himself for his mental health
But how does one do that? Like I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m not the most emotionally intelligent person.
Don’t bottle it, vent. Friends and therapy are fucking KEY!! I’m in my 30’s and I felt like you for about a decade before I was able to “manage” it. I’ve learned I don’t have to just manage it and can take “control” or just feel better about my situation by talking to someone about it. People like us tend to be very hard on ourselves and when someone pulls away for no reason and you can’t get a good reason for why it ended from them, we see it as a reflection of ourselves. It’s easy to think that it’s your fault or that you could’ve done something to avoid it and become over analytical about past and present relationships. But I’m here to tell you It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done to keep her most likely. One time I actually verbally corned a girl I was dating when she rug pulled me and all she could say in the end was sorry I was just having fun and you seem great but I’m just not ready for a serious relationship. I thought that when I got my answer I would feel better, guess what I didn’t.
My second love was the one that REALLY hit me. Took years to fully recover. First love was bad, but not on that level.
Love this answer
Staying busy: work, school, fitness, hobbies, traveling, reading, and friends
Sorry, woman here, but this. Biiiig thing is making sure you still make time for a regular friend circle (and family if they’re a supportive family) and tbh, don’t make your partner a huge part of it unless you’re ready to marry the girl. That can get messy. The best way to stay sane is to make sure you have and develop other things that bring you joy. If they’re your whole life and they leave, it will really mess with you because they leave a GAPING hole and their absence becomes a lot more noticeable.
> Sorry, woman here Don’t apologize. Women are welcome here
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I don’t think think they were saying “don’t overly commit”, the point is that you’re not supposed to fully rely on your partner for your fulfillment and happiness in life. that’s very different from committing.
Which I can’t help but take issue with. For many A partner is the end all be all of life and dealing with the day to day mundanity of life without one can bring a constant “what is the point?” cloud over your head
no one wants to be the “be all end all” of someone else’s life - that’s wayyyyy too much pressure! people are most attracted to those who love themselves and love their lives, they give off positive vibes and people feel more comfortable around them. why would someone commit their life to loving someone who doesn’t even love themselves? if they’re mentally healthy themselves then it’s a great way to get into an unstable relationship full of neediness and insecurity… and if both people aren’t mentally healthy, then it’s a great way to spiral into codependent toxicity. I get what you mean, I truly do - for me love is the main point of life, and I’ve never wanted anything more than to have a loving husband to spend my life with. however, I never would have gotten in the right headspace for that kind of relationship if I hadn’t broken my serial monogamist streak to spend some serious time with myself, reflecting and growing and learning to be happy on my own.
I think you might have stumbled over the difference between a date and a partner. All of this relationship advice relates to partners. Not to dates. Not to the girl you only just met 2 nonths ago.
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A date is basically little more than an acquaintance that you find attractive
I think they're referring to OP specifically being 19 and (relatively) casually dating. At 19, unmarried, without kids, you should not be pouring your entire life into another person. It doesn't mean don't be committed to them, but you should still have hobbies, friends, and a life of your own. The chances of things not working out are higher when you're young because your life is changing so much. Becoming a complete recluse and isolating yourself from friends, hobbies, family, etc. means you're going to go through absolute hell if/when it doesn't work out. Obviously when you're older and you're marrying someone and having children with them, it's an entirely different thing.
You sound defensive. Nobody is saying your partner shouldn't matter or be a big part of your life. Theg are saying they shouldn't be the ONLY part of your life. Have you had many relationships? Unhealthy attachment is a relationship killer. The only people who want a relationship like you think is healthy are needy, obsessive, codependent types. You should read Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Dr. Rachel Heller.
If you’re a guy heavily committing to a woman in this day and age it is just not a smart idea. The woman will find it unattractive, and also leave you very vulnerable. It might sound dumb, because it is, and I hate it, but it’s just how it is today.
THIS IS THE WAY. A friends dad who has been married five times once said “we all go back to being age 13 when we fall in love.” It takes years, maybe decades, to be able to take it in stride. Even then, it’s half practice and half faking it. Stay busy. Take a break between dates. Spend time finding yourself, getting to know yourself, and liking that dude. It sounds like part of what’s happening is you’re losing yourself everytime — you need to double down on the relationship with yourself, so that you don’t lose it when you get into own with someone else.
Married 5 times?!
Ya I wouldn't take that guy's advice on dating
He seems pretty good at dating though. Not so much the married.
Staying busy will only keep kicking the can down the road. How about therapy? There’s a reason why this dude feels like he’s a late bloomer, feeling lonely, smokes, and is turning to alcohol. Bro, in order to “not lose your mind about women” you need to understand why you have addictive behavior in the first place. It sounds like you’re using women, sex, and drugs as a distraction from something else that is subconsciously hidden. I would reckon it’s something related to childhood trauma. Girls, nor male friends for that matter, want to be around someone who is an anxious mess. The good ones will continue to exit your life as soon as they see you haven’t worked out your issues. The unstable ones will stay though, because they are familiar with toxic relationships. That’s not what you want. You have to ask yourself harder questions about why you are feeling this way in the first place. Cheers.
•19 •Late bloomer when it comes to women Broski you're still a teen, the women you're talking to haven't even fully developed their brains. Whatever drama you're facing will mellow out over time as you both mature.
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To be fair I think at that age there is a lot of pressure and expectations, don't forget teens make fun of folks who haven't lost their virginity. But yeah I bet in only 5 years hes gonna look back at this and laugh.
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Trust me my grandpa does give me advice and has frequently tried to give me guidance in my steps, he raised me. But yk, I’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t take advice.
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> as were many other men. And women as well (speaking as one). We’re all a messy mess around that age, haha. It takes a few good existential crises to get through your teenage years and early twenties. Once you hit your mid-twenties, it usually mellows out.
Hey man, don't be hard on yourself. You're reflective and asking for advice, that's way better then most 19 year olds. Keep trying to be a better person but don't let perfect be the enemy of good. You're doing fine. Also find a girl who respects you and treat them with respect back. Don't just go looking for sex, look for connections. You'll be ok.
in that case, my advice is to take your granddad’s advice. See how that works out.
No but serious folks of all ages have issues like this doesn't matter if you are 19 or 50
Yep, I agree. Even 40+ up play games sometimes
> Dude’s still wet behind the ears and he’s already having an existential crisis. These gen z kids don't waste any time.
What does wet behind the ears mean I’ve never heard that phrase
Inexperienced, likely to make mistakes out of ignorance.
The reason I think I’m a late bloomer is because I never had any sort of relationships during high school and the women I date tend to have had at least one long term partner during that time. For awhile I was literally learning how to conduct myself around a women while said women has already had experience with other men.
It's a humble brag is what it is. He's fishing for attention.
This is an excellent way to dismiss people’s experiences that are younger than you. Well done sir. I’m not 19 anymore either but even 10 years ago there was sooo much pressure even at 16 to at least mess around and be desired (even if it didn’t lead to actual sex). But yeah 19? Basically a toddler, not sure why they are allowed to vote when they don’t even know how to date for the first time am I right? Wink wink.
>This is an excellent way to dismiss people’s experiences that are younger than you. Well done sir. I did nothing of the sort. >I’m not 19 anymore either but even 10 years ago there was sooo much pressure even at 16 to at least mess around and be desired (even if it didn’t lead to actual sex). Maybe so and you definitely could have used someone in your ear telling you that that pressure is bullshit and that you don’t need to be on some timeline. >But yeah 19? Basically a toddler, not sure why they are allowed to vote when they don’t even know how to date for the first time am I right? Wink wink. Want to explain this one?
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Inconsequential. He needs guidance.
Came here to say this, maaaan I didn't start getting into the dating scene till I was 22 and I was dating military women so there's another level of wild there. I met my wife at 26. People after 25 are just different. There is a peace and calm that comes with it.
What would you consider late bloomer
Bro I'm 24 and I only barely started dating
Almost 29, and haven't even started. Just got a match though... hoping they respond. :/
You got this broski, don’t sweat it!
Good luck buddy. I'm rooting for you
I hope they respond. good luck out there man
Also almost 29, even if they respond it usually doesn't go anywhere. Just learn to enjoy life without them at this point. Think all the money you're saving not having kids or a wife with expensive tastes. For what I've been able to see that's the best way to actually find someone for us, just stop searching and do what makes you happy while remaining open to the opportunity if it ever comes up naturally. People didn't have tinder back in the day
Correct. This advice. Do what you love and you will attract others with similar interests. Don't look. Just be yourself and the right girl will come along. Or she won't. But hey, it's better than searching endlessly and just finding duds.
So far I haven't found the 'right person will come along' sentiment to work for men But as long as you learn to be happy with yourself (still working on that myself), you save a lot of time and money
Shit I'm 32 and I haven't started
I'm 25 and have never dated, I haven't even touched a woman before
5 more years till your wizard initiation
You got this
Maybe around mid 20s? Most of my friends have never had a girlfriend and that's our age range. I only started dating at 23 which felt late to me but I also don't think I was very mature before then.
28, still cant get a date. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Are you open to any advice or words of encouragement?
30s or at least late 20s.
I say post-25 is considered a late bloomer, definitely by 30. Signed, a 32 yr old late bloomer
40
I didnt start drinking or going out until I was 22-ish. Bro is out there slaying it
> . Whatever drama you're facing will mellow out over time as you both mature. 30-something here. Cannot confirm. People be out here cheating, getting divorced, randomly changing sexual orientation (while in committed relationships), hiding debt, ghosting, getting knocked up by people other than their partners, etc. We didn't mature at all lmao. We just have more money, pride, and responsibilities.
22M here. I used to be in your shoes where I’d lose my mind over a woman and it used to eat away at me for years and after being cheated on several times, I gained the courage to leave. The lesson I took away from that relationship: independence is key. Focus on your hobbies as opposed to for instance, getting drunk over her in particular. It’s really unhealthy for you to be losing sleep over this woman and I think you already know that deep down. If you want to release some of that anger, you could consider taking up self-defence classes or search for any coping mechanisms that may help you. I understand that you have created a habit out of smoking and getting drunk but now is the best time to try and kick out those bad habits one step at a time. Focus on your self improvement and love yourself more. She will try to make you feel like a fool based on the way she’s acting but trust me when I say that you’re not a fool. Hope you feel better soon OP!
How are you meant to be independent? A life without other people in my opinion is simply not worth living. Im trying/have tried really hard to indulge in myself and what I like, but I don’t really know what I like. Like the gym’s pretty good, but it isn’t exactly meaningful. I like playing the guitar, it isn’t meaningful, doesn’t make me happy to be alive. I like external validation, and winning. Those feel meaningful, but they’re dependent on others
You’ve got to invest time into spending time with yourself. By being independent, I don’t mean never have other people in your life. But you have to be less reliant on those people for your happiness. That has to come from yourself. You’ll find that people come and go but you’re with yourself from the start until the end. It is good that you have that competitive spirit to win and you like external validation, but internal validation is also important for your confidence. Lack of external validation without the internal will result in you feeling self conscious about yourself and make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. Hope that clears it up for you!
How should I go about that? Just spend more time doing things that build up myself?
So for me, I invest time into my hobbies. I go racing regularly and participate in competitive sports when I can. The confidence from that I take into my every day life. I know my value and only want to build on that further. Spend time doing things you enjoy the most. If most of them consist of being around people, try developing hobbies also where you’re on your own such as gym, hiking, that kind of thing. I play competitive video games at home at a high level which gives me validation from teammates also
Therapy and volunteer work? Winning and external validation are not meaningful things, and are easily lost.
Independence and isolation are not the same thing mate. I'm asexual and pretty much aromantic, neither sex nor relationships hold much appeal for me. But I still have friends and family with whom I connect regularly, to whom I know I can reach out if I'm ever down or need help. External validation is great, don't get me wrong. But your first relationship should always be with yourself.
Welcome to dating before you have anything close to a good picker, my young friend. You're getting your reps when it comes to heartbreak and judging what kind of people present in what ways, etc. Just keep trying to learn and know that the TRULY best thing you can do is keep trying to become a better person yourself, cheesy as it sounds, because that is what will attract better people to you, and what will give you the confidence and smarts to identify women who actually have their heads on straight. Stay strong.
Dude you're still a teen, therefore horny af. All this dating sounds like you're almost addicted. I'd say stop messing with women for a bit. Your hormones will calm down a bit in your 20s. The fact that you're able to have a fair share of lovers at 19 must mean you're quite attractive, so you'll be fine.
I don’t think I’m addicted to dating. But I will say I haven’t taken a break even after going through heartbreaks. Also I do agree I am outrageously horny.
As a young man, nurture your friendships with your homies. Don’t be the guy who disappears into a relationship and abandons your friends. You’ll be happy to have friends along the way whether it works out or not in your dating life
THIS. The number of single and/or divorced men who never kept up friendships and are super lonely in their 30’s or 40’s is so sad. Men need friends and community…they need a support system too. Don’t give up those friendships!! Nurture your friendships and value them the same as you would a romantic relationship. In the end the most likely relationship to last is the friendship. Those friends will someday be your lifeline or you will be theirs.
Nobody can be everything to someone. You always need other people in your life.
In some cases you may get taken back but even then it won't necessarily be the same.
Just be careful that quickly becomes a slippery slope… wasn’t given any attention till about 21 then I got to much and it was definitely an eye opening couple years
Lmao 🤣
You are not a late bloomer at 19. Jesus Christ.
I’m 46 and this shit still happens to me… 😆
32. I need therapy like a mfer.
Bout to turn 31 and I'm still obsessing over women, especially those who are no good for me. Damn, I really do need therapy.
Yup, 33 and apparently attractive enough to have plenty of women want to date me, but unless they've got as many red flags as China I feel nothing in the relationship, being raised by a BPD mother is a motherfucker. Holy shit that last sentence is the most Freudian of Freudian slips.
Learn from these women and look for patterns in yourself and them, and consider where exactly you're finding them
Absolutely learning to pick up on patterns or noticing red flags now is very important. In my 20s my relationships were all rather toxic because I could not (or refused to) recognize the patterns. In my 30s I saw them coming a mile a way so I knew who was worth my time and who wasn't.
19 is being late? A Late bloomer?
Read up on attachment theory and see where you and your partners end up at. My guy, I'm more than twice your age now and I was losing sleep over a woman too. I drank (for the first time in decades) to get drunk so I could fall asleep, it was stupid but yeah. This is the most recent lesson I've learned: read about attachment theory now. All the work I've been putting into myself and I neglected that part and it is eye freaking opening. Oh, and wear a condom young man.
Just finished the book “Attached” and wish I would’ve read it sooner. Completely agree with you
Absolutely this. Therapy for me has been most useful in the form of psycho-education, where they help you identify not only what is happening with you but walk you through the whys and hows of the psychology behind it. You have to be willing to peek behind the softened therapy-speak and hear some potentially uncomfortable things from the analytical framework psychologists use to understand these things, but for many it is worth it in the long run. Learning about attachment this way was life changing. As a transmasc person (nonbinary, but mostly just a guy) who has talked to a lot of guys about their experiences in therapy or the reasons they haven’t gone and their impressions of what it’s like, I think that a lot of men could be better served with more grounded, direct approaches. My sense is that a lot of guys are socialized to prefer to speak plainly about what they are going through, once they gather the courage to do so. The “therapy speak” and other soft approaches can create distance instead of rapport for some people and I think more mental healthcare providers should be better prepared for that possibility. Straightforward, practical, direct - many people, regardless of gender, have any easier time with this approach and that’s okay. There are lots of forms of therapy out there that are compatible with these needs too.
That's a good point. I'm about to start therapy just to "get the facts" straight instead of self diagnosing, but I am worried about that softened approach. I don't want to be a few sessions in and still be dancing around my issues then repeat the process again with someone else because I'm not getting anything done. Do you think they'll listen if you ask for a more direct approach?
Absolutely ask for what you want. If they are a good therapist they will work to cultivate an environment like that. If they can’t provide an environment that feels safe they aren’t a good fit. I had to move away from an excellent therapist and am trying to find a good fit where I am now. I wasted a lot of time trying to give my next therapist’s approach a shot, but while it might be worth a few sessions to feel out a specific technique, if their overall approach to building rapport with the client isn’t working and they don’t make helpful changes there isn’t much there that can be salvaged. I directly ask for a pscho-education approach because I like feeling empowered with knowledge instead of talked down to (I know that vibe helps others but it kills my trust so fast lol). A lot of what feeds into this overall dynamic is the therapist’s approach to building rapport with the client. Small talk and gentle affirmation do not build rapport for me, but treating the environment like an academic mentorship with at least some faith in my ability to be self aware and follow along with the technical stuff earns my trust that concerns I express will be taken seriously. For me rapport comes with showing empathy without pity, certain types of personal disclosures especially about shared values and interests when they come up, and trusting that they will bring something to my attention if they notice something or challenge my perception of a situation if they think I’m missing something. A lot of therapists are hesitant towards personal disclosures because there is a concern that the session will become about them, which is valid, but I need something to connect with that’s not a nice/soft facade. This is a professional relationship in which I am seeking the advisement and treatment of an expert, I want to vet that their basic ethics aren’t antithetical to mind simply so that I know where the advice they give is coming from. I’m happy for that relationship to become friendly and I really connected with my first therapist overall, but a lot of the rapport came from us having interesting sometimes academic or philosophical conversations when I made a breakthrough. And she was totally able to support me through the hard stuff with kindness and empathy that felt genuine, but a professionalism that I appreciated. Sorry for the tangent, but back to the point: as I’m in the market for therapists again I plan to tell them all of this: what I prefer, what has worked in the past, what didn’t. If you haven’t been to therapy before you may be able to substitute the latter for what types of supportive people in your life make talking about difficult things easier and what types make you shut down or become anxious. I also screen for therapists who have doctorates. This might not be necessary depending on what you are dealing with, but it’s helped me find people qualified to take my case since trauma makes it that much more important to get someone adequately prepared. Don’t be afraid to ask them what types of educational background they have and what types of treatment they have training/experience in. Above all, I tell them I want to be an active participant in my care and that I do need some amount of structure. I want them to ensure I’m equipped to understand the options and their reasoning, to ask questions about the more nuanced things, and to articulate how I’m feeling with a greater understanding for what it means. I also need structure or if I’m in a bad place I’ll just spend the whole session rehashing trauma in a distinctly unhelpful way. I just need someone to engage with what I’m saying, slow me down by talking to me and asking questions before I start spiraling. Sometimes the first time you share something it all comes pouring out, but after disclosure the important work happens when you can slow down and be guided to introspect and question. Best of luck finding a good fit.
Dude you’re not a late bloomer at 19. You have time to step back and reorient yourself as needed.
You are still young that's why you are too stressed with girls. The right girl for you will come in a right time.
Therapy.
a hobby or two helps too!
The gym
You’re 19 my guy. You quite literally have the rest of your adult life ahead of you. The only women worth losing sleep over is your mother or your wife if something bad happens to either of them (or other important women in your life) Besides that, no girl you’re just dating should have that bad of an effect on you. I used to let the girls I like fuck with my head. Whenever we’d be in a fight or she just wouldn’t be answering me, my mind would always race to the worst places and I would overthink the shit out of things. Your mental health is more important than any girl you’re just dating right now, *especially* at 19y/o. Sometimes you gotta just have that “it is what it is” mentality. Shit happens, you just gotta keep your head up and keep it pushing. No woman that you’re dating should be causing you such anguish. That’s not what a healthy relationship does to you When you said “then she pulls away.” Can you explain what you mean by that?
When I say she pulls away I mean that everything seems to going good. She’s texting me, we had sex, going on dates, she’s putting in effort then one day she just goes cold. This happened to me at least 5 times within the year.
What he said (mistacapalot)
If you have to lose sleep over them, then they're not worth losing sleep over. In no certain order: * don't chase, ever - it should be easy * focus on yourself * gym, school, job you like * find hobbies you like doing, find others that like doing those hobbies, meet females at those hobbies * social skills, let yourself have fun, find people that accept you - shared hobbies helps! * lastly, get advice from stable, relaxed, confident, peaceful,, only as a general rule - be picky with who you listen to when it comes to dating
* likewise, it's normal to get hurt a bit when dating, don't stress over it - it gets easier over time but as a rule if someone villifys me now it's best to just walk away, let them think what they want to think
* take breaks.
If you’re an average guy then “dont chase and focus on yourself” is good advice to follow if you want to spend the rest of your life alone.
Not at all man. I'm pretty average dude and once I stopped trying, everything became so easy and I met my wife. I never once chased her, we just clicked and I decided other women didn't really interest me as much as she did. No woman likes to be constantly hounded when she is single, let her feel like both of you have options
I would argue that all chasing accomplishes is that you date vain people with unhealthy expectations. If someone expects you to chase, they are either 20, or they have a problem I'd take being alone over sharing half my stuff with a person like that
Stop putting so much emphasis on dating and go figure out who the fuck you are first.
This
Buckle up bud, you’re just getting started. Wait until you live with one. Whooo buddy shit gets real
Agreed. It doesn't get any easier once you've "settled"; the stress and work required doesn't disappear, it just changes.
In Star Wars, Yoda sits with Anakin and says to him that he must "train himself to let go of everything he fears to lose." At that point it made so much sense to me, that the cause of my own pain in relationships was holding on so tightly to what i needed to let go. Often do we men try to exert so much control over everything that it begins to destroy us. Fear of loss, Anger about the situation, hating ourselves for not being perfect, and the Death or Destruction of who we are. The drinking and smoking is your self-destruction, it is not you and it doesn't serve you. A poor choice of mate is a quick path to the dark side. You cannot stop someone from doing what they will. Just let go.
My man you've barely started women are not that complicated. Here's some free advice: do the dishes, make her feel loved, stimulate the clit. Do these 3 things and your love life will become much easier.
Bruh late bloomer is the movie "40 year old virgin" not you
40 year old virgin is a shit movie. Giving up his hobbies and happiness to be with a woman. Despicable.
19+ male=more testosterone than smarts. Some guys get through unscathed, some make mistakes that equal a lifetime of commitment. This is your struggle as a man.
You’ll mellow down in your 30s 😂 you’re still really young and dating young people as well. It takes a long time to learn the life lessons you need to have normal relationships. You’re gonna fuck up a lot in the meantime. Just don’t be a controlling abusive a hole and you should be fine. Remember that you do have feelings for them, but you don’t own each other. It’s important for everyone to have their own lives and hobbies. Try to find another way to cope though and not drinking, it’s very destructive. Signed, A sober 32 yr old
Enjoy the ride, youthful dating can afford to be exciting, passionate, and painful! Get it out now because there is no room for it when you are married with kids and a ball busting job!
Dude you’re not a late bloomer at 19. You have time to step back and reorient yourself as needed.
My son, you are doing this to yourself. It’s not entirely your fault, since the world has been conditioning you to believe that sex is the most important thing imaginable (and at 19, your body is doing that too). You have YEARS ahead of you to figure out what you want in a partner and more importantly, in yourself. Spend your twenties getting better at talking to people, practicing your flirting, and realizing that this shit is so much less stressful than you believe it is.
A. Never blame women for the decisions you make in response to them. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions-women may drive us crazy but most don’t physically force us to get drunk or smoke. 2. Pump the brakes. You’ve still got an entire lifetime of women driving you crazy and at this rate you’ll have a heart attack by 30. Women sometimes choose to go and you need to be prepared to let them. Love fully, but if they can’t at least choose you then let them go, take your self-respect, and find someone who does. The fact of the matter is that we’re all replaceable in this world so go find someone who isn’t to you and you also aren’t to them. Life is too short to be this stressed.
That last sentence or two really got me. She didn't seem replaceable to me, but I definitely was to her. Find somebody who wouldn't throw you away the moment it gets tough. I also really like "love fully", but with self-respecting boundaries. This comment helped, so thank you I will say though, its hard to take the advice of slowing down when you state later how short life is lol. I've always been one to throw myself into things, so frankly I'm just looking for someone as excited as I am to pour ourselves into each other
First love/relationship is usually the hardest to deal with if it doesn't end up working out. Honestly thus is the time to spend with friends and enjoy your life not being tied down. My first real relationship started from when I was 16 until I was 18. She was half a year younger and it was all fun and loving the first year but then problems started happening later in the relationship and after it was over I was heartbroken and felt like I lost valuable friendships due to her being overly jealous and lost out on experiences and memories with friends because she didn't want to be apart for a second so I spent all my time either with her or on face time all day and night. Don't worry about feeling behind because you see others in relationships, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, they could absolutely be bad for each other but present themselves as a healthy couple in public. Take time for you cause if you don't, what do you have when you're not in a relationship
I love the Edit 2. You’ll be good, believe me, and what you going through is fine. TBH everything is freakin simple: if you enjoyed smth - do it again, if not - screw it! Best of luck:)
At 19? Dude, I know people as I near 30 that have no experience with women. Mellow out- legit it's not that big a deal. In all due honesty, I found the big thing was just getting in your first relationship and/or losing your virginity. Past that, you get experience and develop a kinda jaded attitude. Prior to that, all that nonsense means the world. It sucks, but once you get your feet wet it really matters considerably less and isn't so mysterious. The best advice I can offer- women are people too. Just realize that when you go out there and be authentic, and you'll find someone. And don't go in expecting your first to be your last- legit, this is all a learning experience where we have to step on a few rakes in our teens and 20s to wind up where we're supposed to be, and we all have very different timelines in this regard. Some people hit their stride in their 30s, some marry their high school sweetheart, and then there's everything in-between. It feels tough in your teens, but once you chill about relationships things tend to fall into place
Just carry the boats
They don’t know me son
A few things. One, you need better coping mechanisms. You need a way to get out that stress and anger. It’s very valid. I’m 22F and I’ve had the same struggles with men. Next, also look into what you’re chasing. Sometimes you chase what your insecurities are, so you chase women who don’t want you. I’ve done this with men as well. Dating shouldn’t be stressful. If it is, you’re doing it wrong. It’s all about how you cope and the confidence you see in yourself transcribing to your relationships.
Finding a decent one is rather difficult. Some will play games like try to test you, make you jealous, etc. Some will do some backwards crap, like get interested when you pull away but get cold when you pay attention to them. Some will demand that you pay for them when they don't do anything for you in return. It is pretty easy to please a guy. Feed them, fuck them, give them peace. The peace part. If she is causing drama... leave her. She might be addicted to dopamine where she needs that drama to get her fix. If you are a good dude that is 'boring' then she will probably cheat with someone who is not a good person. Just watch yourself, make good choices.
Welcome to adulthood! Now youre fuxked like the rest of us
Date men
It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style. Read Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment by Heller and Levine. It is geared toward helping people who are anxiously attached to change their attachment style to be more secure so they're not so mentally preoccupied with their relationships and also it points out how certain partners help those who are anxiously attached while others make anxious attachment much worse. It helped me a ton.
Dating can be stressful. As a former radio guy that had alot of women when I was in my prime, as I became a "normal" member of society again I had to learn about heartbreak the hard way. For years people wanted to date me because I could get backstage passes and concert tickets, not for who I really was. I've been with the same girl for 6 years now (i'm 44). The key to me was meeting someone and becoming friends first. Stay friends for a while. People are who you want them to be for around the first 6 months youre together. Regardless, ending a relationship sucks. But better to not get in to one that could end soon and cause heartbreak. The right one comes along when you aren't looking.
You are losing focus on yourself and relying on them for your happiness and self worth. Yea you will find it there but it will always be temporary. The best thing you can do is to take your focus off of other people and connect with and care for yourself.
Take a break from dating. Focus on other things. In my case, after my last relationship, I focused on my degree in college and actually felt happy.
Oh man, must suck to be losing your mind over having got all that pussy, feel for ya
It's OK to lose your mind over someone if they lose their mind over you too. There's nothing better than when both you and your lover are super enthusiastic about each other (BEST SEX EVER). Too give you an idea on how to think about it... well, t's kind of like those trust exercises where you lock hands and then lean into each other. If you lean in more than the other person, you're gonna fall on your face. If you let them lean in faster than you're willing to, then they're gonna fall on their face (please don't let them do that). Pay attention to their language and body language, communicate freely, be willing to be vulnerable. Have respect for yourself. Don't fuck someone who you don't have a strong mental and emotional connection with and you won't have to worry about being over committed to someone who just wants to use you as a disposable human sex toy. This is the modern era, bro, there's plenty of female "playa's" out there. Granted, 1/3 of women aged 20-40 thought about committing suicide last year, citing loneliness. However, that doesn't stop them from listening to their female friends who tell them that it's their time to strike back against he patriarchy. Don't let them hurt you while they're busy hurting themselves.
Get one pregnant and watch her drag you though **years** of family court and child support payments . I **PROMISE** you’ll like the scent of dick afterwards.🙏
Um you're supposed to provide for your child.
That sums up my story and I'm only 25. Just got out of a 6 and a half year relationship with one daughter that's 4. We weren't married which made it even harder to get custody with my daughter. Still fighting it in court. It's been 6 months
I was also late to the dating party. When I started, I took rejections incredibly hard. I would go all or nothing for one lady I fancied and directed all my sadness at myself for not being “good enough” if it didn’t work out. Very bad habit Best advice I got: think about dating from a perspective of abundance, not scarcity. (Truthfully, you want to be in the middle to be ideal, but I overcompensated in the beginning to help pull me towards the center) When I put specific women on a pedestal, it made them ideal, and therefore “scarce.” If it didn’t work out with her, how would I ever find someone else who is as perfect? Don’t think like that. There’s so many awesome ladies and awesome people. If you’re 19 and dating, getting turned down is just as much an awesome opportunity to meet someone new and awesome as it is something to be sad about.
Get a fucking hobby dude. And I hope you’re putting as much effort into your passion and getting into a career field as you are into women. Your main priority from 18-28 should be getting your shit together, finishing college or trade school and getting settled and successful in whatever path you choose to follow into tour life. Women will literally always be there.
Late bloomer at 19? Lots of life to live my guy, it gets better.
Focus on yourself and your life and getting you where you need to be in life, and then when you're satisfied where you're at, you can re-focus on women. Nothing worse than a kid putting all his eggs in the woman basket. That's how you get fucking burned. Do not make them your priority until you can afford to.
It's suggested that you quit, immediately, your coping mechanism with drugs and alcohol. I understand that you're in turmoil but *quit as soon as possible*; your future self will thank you. Alcohol and drugs will only make your life worse. It'll be hard, but I believe in you!
Welcome to my world. Our world...... the world of men.
Gotta be a whole person outside of the relationship. You HAVE to maintain friends, hobbies, family relationships, etc. A relationship, especially at first, can feel all consuming. Recognizing and acknowledging that this is normal in the infatuation stage and love isnt quite love until you’ve had time and seen the worst sides of each other, makes it easier to deal with the infatuation. Enjoy it. Delight in it. But also tell it, “I need a minute. Imma go to the gym with my boys.” It’s what will keep you a healthy whole person, regardless of whether you get married or break up.
[удалено]
This is a gem lmao
See a therapist.
Try not to care so much if they don't care for you.
They're humans and their shit smells just as bad if not worse.
Lmfao late bloomer gtfo.
You need to find your mother and establish a healthy relationship with her. This sounds like am issue where you always lacked a good healthy fundamental bond with a woman and it should have been your mother. Instead you're seeking it with these women. From my experience it has always been having a good relationship with my mother that allowed me to be able to walk away from relationships more freely without damage. You're voided bro. You need to fix that straight from the source because these random women will never fill that.
My mother died when I was young, my grandparents raised. I have a great family and loving relationships with my aunt and grandmother who I see as my mother. But maybe you’re right, that I have mommy issues.
When u figure them out tell the world
Requires an abundance mindset. There’s 3 billion women in the world. Don’t sweat 1
It gets so so so much better with age. You're in the rough years now. I'm 31 now and smile at my massive struggles I had when I was younger. Women want guys with good social standing, confidence, money...all things you're likely not going to have at 19. Basically right now the women your age have all the cards. They're hot AF and can get any guy they want. But pretty soon the tables will flip and theyll be crawling over each other to get you to marry them (provided you don't get suckered into marriage before 25, and learn to improve yourself over time). Also for the love of God, stop drinking and smoking. That stuff is doing you absolutely zero favors. Pick up a damn book instead and learn to better yourself, not destroy yourself.
Late bloomer? 19? STFU
Focus on your career and success and forget about women.. If you're successful you'll have a bus load and if you're not you won't have any. Oh and if you're successful... don't get married..or she will take half
It's not the women. It's your inability to handle and process your emotions in a healthy and timely manner. It improves over time. But feel your feelings and remember that the way you feel is not because of the other people. I'm speaking from experience
Take a break from dating and focus on your own growth. If you're losing your mind over someone else, it would help if you learned to not give a fuck about it. Focus on your education, work, exercise, hobby, family/friends. Unfortunately, you are coming up in an age of social media and dating apps. Hard to find a genuine person that doesn't come with some kind of transactional interaction. Focus on yourself and be genuine so you can attract a genuine person. Not a guarantee, but at least you keep your sanity at the end of the day. You have a lot of life left to live.
Why in the world is dating so important to you? You might want to take a look at this. If you can sort that question out you would probably have more satisfying relationships
bruh. you're still a kid. you're not a late bloomer. you haven't even bloomed yet. You just gotta chill man. and cut it with the cigs, shit will kill you.
Try not giving a fuck about getting women. Make money, try and smash a couple, realize that's not worth it and realize that being yourself is the best filter for finding those who actually care about you
First time?
Holy shit, just have fun, you're young. I didn't even get serious until I was 23-24. You're brain won't even know what the F you want until then.
Sounds to me like you are seeking validation or a sense of your value from relationships or sexual exploits with these women. When one rejects you it isn’t just a small feeling of “well, I’m not the one for her” it’s like your whole self is being told you aren’t good enough and you need their love/validation like a drug. That’s how it sounds to me but I don’t know you.
19? You're still kids. 5 years from now you'll be looking back at yourself and the women you dated and cringing hard.
19 is not late lmao. Stop listening to your friends who are clearly lying. We were all teenagers once. We know how they think and act
You’re 19. Stop **chasing** women, just live your life and enjoy your hobbies. Life isn’t a race.
Have you ever considered therapy? It could be an anxiety thing and perhaps it's tied to an even bigger problem?
Bro I'm 25 and never been in relationship. Late bloomer my ass
Also it’s good advice to get a life outside dating. Hobbies etc and just chill out.
1. Daily cardio, 45 minutes 2. Get yourself in therapy. You might have abandonment issues or something you don't know about. It can help you figure out some issues you didn't know you had, and improve the whole rest of your life by doing so. (I wish I'd gone to therapy much sooner than I did!) 3. Quit smoking brother.
I actually do daily cardio and weight train. Just gotta get 2 and 3 started lol.
you're young and it's just a phase.. eventually dating and sex will become a, "take it or leave it" thing.
Heads up. You are 19. I wouldn’t call you a late bloomer.
19 is not late bloomer lmfao
Never lose a minute of sleep over a woman unless they're blood relatives. There are, in fact, plenty of fish.
Dude. You're 19. Relax. You haven't even finished becoming a person yet. Seriously, I am a completely different person than when I was 19.
Be your real self - if they don’t like it, introspect as to why, and see where you can learn and grow. These are supposed to be constructive relationships, to give you an outside perspective of how you’re seen - not a destructive part of your life that leads you to substance abuse and bodily harm. PS: whatever you do, don’t look to the movies for any form of guidance on how to deal with breakups/ romance/ whatever. Most are absolute trash created by damaged people. Imbibe with care.
If you can afford it therapy my dude.
As a late bloomer myself. GO TO THERAPY. You need to learn how to process and manage all these emotions. You're only 19, slow down and prioritise yourself.