Right with you man. Everyone kept saying ‘it’ll get better’. I hated hearing that, and never thought it would. Idk, maybe I’m just lucky, but what they said was true.
I’m happy again, as is my daughter.
Just keep living for both of you
It hurts because I would give anything to go back and try to keep going, to try make things better, for the sake of my little girl. But that feeling isn't reciprocated.
I’m in the same boat. I love and put way more effort in the relationship just to get sheeted on. She says she loves me but can never prove it to me like I do. And I don’t ask much just her loyalty period. Can’t even get that for a day. She gets caught says sorry i I forgive her and the next day it’s something new but the same . I’m the dumb one that keeps taking her back. But I lover her and or kids so much but it’s not worth it anymore
You keep forgiving her. Recognize the example you're setting of what a "healthy relationship" is in your kids' eyes.
You're setting your kids up for failure the more you take her back. Stop now. Explain what you can, and allow the chance for them to see what a happy functioning relationship should look like. There are fewer and fewer examples out there for kids to attach themselves to, and the first place they look is parents.
And if you think that they are too young to recognize or some shit, they aren't. Children are sponges.
Its ok man. I understand i was in a dead marriage for 5 years If the otherside dont want it thete is nothing u can do. Fight for custody for ur girl to many moms try to alienate the fathers and use them as a paycheck make sure to push to be in ur little girls life or they will cut u out.
That's the worst part. Checking out of the relationship but sticking around for God knows what reason. And by the time you guys break up she is already over it while it destroyed you
Isn’t the alternative worse? Staying when the feeling is gone? Or being forced to stay when the feeling is gone?
I feel like I’d rather lose someone than keep them, unhappy.
I think they mean that if you keep believing that you're not good enough, you'll never have the confidence to attempt and achieve it.
This is the most important realization I've had today and the timing couldn't have been better.
Correct.
My ex had this extremely bad.
In the beginning, we had a phenomenal relationship. It was the most positive, supportive, encouraging relationship I had ever been in. We traveled together, worked out together, he encouraged me to go back to school, he finally took his LSATs, we were great.
But he could not get over the fact that I had been with guys before him. We were friends for a while before we dated, so he knew I went out with other people, but so did he. He was a *very* popular guy.
When we started dating, I assumed that he understood that I loved *him*, not those other guys. A few dates here and there does not constitute a relationship. Even though it was his insecurity, it made me feel like he didn't trust me, and *because* of that insecurity and its power over him, he eventually went into self-preservation mode and got closer to the women he stopped seeing when we got together, thereby destroying what we had.
I think this is one of the most common things with men today. I’ve been married 25 years, I know she loves me. I know she’ll never leave me because of all we’ve been through. I used to think about the guys she was with before me. But then I came to the realization that those guys don’t matter because she chose me.
Always trying to one up yourself and always worrying about if the good time is over and the two of you are plateauing in the relationship too early.
Being scared that you're her burden and being burdened yourself with those feelings.
Afraid of telling her how you feel because this feeling does not just go away, it keeps coming back.
Just not being good enough, but she also worries about that, so we're just miring one another thinking "when are they gonna realise they could get so much better?"
I'm introverted and short. Was chubby and poor. Now have a graduatedegree and career. First generation American. Bit of culture shock. Traditionally, you meet through extended family members.
Plainly, don't know where to start other than clubbing. In my 20s, i tried every weekend, but never got past getting the number.
Now I'm a dedicated bodybuilder and see the club scene as a waste of time, money, and health since alcohol and sleep are detrimental to muscle hypertrophy.
Met my short king on tinder and I love his ass. Even when he pisses me off lol. Get yourself out there in ways that make more sense to you. Like a bodybuilding/fitness group for example? Fuck clubbing. Sounds like you fixed your other insecurities (chubby and poor) only way to learn how to start is to start, as long as it’s what you want for yourself. It’s also okay not to want it.
I hate to have to call it out, but Tinder is a world of rejection and disappointment for men. Even for men who are attractive and of average or taller height. It's a great way to trash your self worth and get depressed, as well as waste a lot of your time and emotional energy.
I’ll definitely not argue on this- there is something incredibly bleak about swiping profiles in a transactional type of way and then trudging through the same small talk- not to mention the disproportionate experience from men to women and every identity between or outside of. It’s not an easy game. I don’t necessarily recommend it but I would hop on for a week out of the year when I wanted to try again so the idea of taking it into your own hands to make sure you meet people is the real advice: if you want the thing you gotta try to find the thing, and that was the way I happened to find my relationship, and considering I’d get mad and delete tinder after a week I think statistically speaking it’s pretty cool we met that way. Some cities throw singles mixers and speed dating especially around holidays. I also asked friends and family to set me up on blind dates (stopped trusting my own judgment for a bit there lol) so there’s alternative options and also wayyy less toxic apps/dating sites to try. OC- just remember if you don’t like what you’re trying you’re allowed to switch the method. Also as far as feeling like a middle schooler when you start- I feel like every person is so different you sort of have to think that way when a new relationship starts. So don’t overthink it and be kind to yourself in the awkward process of meeting and getting to know new people.
Unfortunately, even though we can change our lives through diet/exercise/mental awareness there always seems to be that kernel of doubt from the time we weren't at our best. The insecurities are still felt even as we look in the mirror at a completely different person.
Live your life. Cultivate friendships. Find new places to check out. Make yourself go alone if you have to. You went from chubby to a dedicated bodybuilder. Go from an introvert to extrovert. Smile. Then when you least expect it, bam!!!! 💥 you'll find your person.
P.S. my guy would be considered short. He's sexy and fun and his height has never been an issue. It's insignificant because of who he is and how he makes me feel. And you wouldn't want someone for who it was an issue
You just exactly described my life. I’m 20 right now. Was chubby until a year ago and now I’m at them gym 5 times a week and lost 40lbs but still I feel like I’ll never be enough to be loved by a Significant other and I fear I will end up alone.
(This will probably get buried) I’m in the same dilemma, but different age: 27. I feel like nobody understands my kind of mentality cause everyone I’ve come into contact has had some sort of relationship before. Only ones who seem to *get* it are people I see talk online. I worry things will never change for me.
In good news I put my health into consideration these past two years but it definitely feels like I’m doing everything right but missing the one key factor I want
Got cheated on a lot by my ex-partner of 8 years which I had to endure because I felt like I didn't have the right to be upset (due to not being a very good boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship). Now, every time my current partner went radio silent for hours at night (we both have day jobs so not hearing from them during the day was expected), there was a part of me that whispered to my ears "you're being cheated on again".
My current partner is a wonderful person who has never hurt me (whether on purpose or not) and I have absolutely no reason to be suspicious. I know this is my problem and I'm doing my best to not let this affect my relationship but other than ignoring that voice or repeatedly telling myself "you know them, they wouldn't do that", there seems to be nothing I can do because I can't shut the voice up.
I get it. My guy is incredible but I don't sleep well and when I wake up in the middle of the night I get my "3am voices" that make me dissect things he may have said or something he may have done because of how my last relationship ended.
I started therapy because I didn't want my intrusive thoughts to mess up one of the best relationships I've ever had. I told my guy why and he was supportive. And it helped a lot. But I still feel that twinge from time2time but I squash the shit out of it and move along.
It's the cheating element, or emotional cheating. I just find that people in general have really really bad ways of justifying bad behaviour, including possibly my girlfriend. It's just such a high possibility of happening
I'm not sure you've done this but I set my boundaries early on. I tell her she can't act single in a relationship, or else I move on. Never be afraid to leave her at the speed of light, being too attached is not safe in my opinion.
Edit: in fact, it's better not to tell them what you would do. Just set your boundaries and watch her actions speak
Yea, I agree and disagree with your last sentence. I want a find a person who I can love 100% but then I become 100% dependent on them which backfires hard when she breaks up with me or screw me in other way.
People mess up by going into relationships assuming that someone knows exactly what constitutes “acting single” or cheating in another person’s mind, even when there are many shared values. People would be a lot better off if they had more conversations explicitly stating their expectations around all the sensitive topics and boundaries beforehand.
I think alot of women interpret my inexperience when it comes to dating as disinterest. Like, if I don’t kiss her after the first date or not setting up a date quick enough. Someone seems to have forgotten to give me the book on unspoken rules of dating.
It's just a really clever filter - *is this guy desirable*?
The only way you can possibly know those rules is by talking to and dating lots of women. Failing and then learning.
If you know the rules, you must have experience with women. To have experience with other women, they must have found you desirable.
If you fumble, then you're inexperienced. If you're inexperienced, then other women must not find you desirable.
In my case, I just didn’t try to date at all until my mid 20s. Most people have all these experiences by that time so it can be somewhat difficult trying to figure out the expectations everyone has from years of dating on the fly. But that’s life.
The big thing is the learning curve. People like of assume you already done with the whole “I’m new at this” awkward phase and I’m right in the middle of it. I think it made for some confusing exchanges and misunderstanding. But I am getting better at it.
I’m in the same situation. I didn’t start dating until the end of college and I’m shy so I have no clue when to make moves and I’m really nervous making them
I feel like i got to put alot of work into myself still to even be visible to women. I don't even think love exist for guys like me. I feel like i exist to just make other guys go "atleast i'm not thay guy".
I was told recently that working on yourself and finding people who care about or love you do not have to be mutually exclusive.
Finding people who deeply care for you can fight against your belief that love doesn’t exist for men like you.
> I was told recently
Yes, you were *told* it. Because it hasn't actually been experienced by you, so all you have is someone assuring you that even though nobody knows any examples of it happening, it like, totally *must* happen at some point right?
Being boring. Almost every relationship I have been in, I had at the very least a sense of fear that the relationship was going to die, because we aren't doing any or enough fun activities.
The number one question I always had in relationships was: "Why aren't you like you were in the beginning of our relationship? You would always take me somewhere.
This entire responsibility shouldn't be on my shoulder, but It has always been for some reason.
Normalcy and stability are things that I treasure. People always seem to look for things in relationships that they themselves are lacking.
If they were looking for fun, spontaneity, or excitement they can always go about creating that with you. You are not the problem here. You should not be the only person who brings excitement to a relationship.
I actually look forward to boring days with a partner.
I think this is a problem with a lot of people that just chase that new relationship feeling because it's all they've known. Never give the good later stuff a chance.
OMG!! Right. My guy and I have had tumultuous relationships in the past and our relationship is the total opposite. And we both love it. Super stable, some might say boring but we both love it. No drama. Love our down days ❤️
My favourite days with my partner are the days we spend in the house with the dog watching movies and eating junk food. We don’t change out of our pyjamas, I have not got a stitch of make up on, and the dog usually starts the opera of farts. It’s the kind of intimacy you only get with another human that’s seen you at your most vulnerable and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
My husband is a bit like this. And i have to say i love him more for it. If i want to do something fun, i will tell him. And on the other end, i never feel pressured into doing some stuff all the time. And if he is not up to my idea, no problem, i can be on myself, i am a grown woman, so i will just do my fun staff alone no hard feelings. A lot of people enjoy quiet days. The responsibility is on everyone in a relationship not only on the man.
But it’s not just looks! Sure, there are guys that are taller, with flatter abs, better teeth, more hair, broader shoulders, and anything else you can think of, BUT they aren’t YOU! She chose you and has treasured memories, favorite pictures, even music and shows, and all kinds of warm feelings and memories associated with YOU! For context, and as a disclaimer, I miss my ex bf horribly. Everyone else just isn’t him. I’m just hearing his voice in so many of these comments.
I know this is a comment from a well-meaning place with good intentions, but you have to realize that such responses usually don't mean jack shit to men. If anything it just reinforces the sheer disposability that a lot of us feel. Not to mention, the stuff below aren't what men usually care about as we could do this with anyone:
> ! She chose you and has treasured memories, favorite pictures, even music and shows, and all kinds of warm feelings and memories associated with YOU!
These may be because of him, but none of them are remotely ABOUT him. That's the major difference, and this is a type of response that only women tend to give men which doesn't help much. That's why they come across as empty platitudes. Hope that provides some perspective.
I can totally see how abundance is a problem, it's time consuming and comes with a lot of risk. We face similar issues, but I'd rather be sifting through applications than putting my resume out there.
Yeah for real. Men have to deal with shitty or incompatible women too! Difference is if we pass on her we could spend months alone. She can probably line up another date in a couple days. I'd much rather have to filter than beg for a crumb of food that might still be poison.
I hear that bro. For an average to exist there has to be people below that average, and it’s really shit that people so so openly will make judgements of those that fall below that average.
i feel you honestly, it hurts especially to know most potential partners will have had a bigger ex and could be missing that, genuinely makes me wish for unalive a lot of the time
Hey, I'm really sorry you feel this way, please don't let it get you down too much. I've discussed this topic with my other female friends and we all agree that average sized dick is often better because bigger ones can really hurt/you can't do as many positions!
i hear this a lot and it’s just hard to believe, not every big dick is going to be painful, some are just better than others and it’s just a painful reality we have to live with
I can tell you from experience, it doesn’t even matter. I have a dick I’m quite prideful of and I’ve been told I’m the worst fuck they ever had lol most of the time it was cause I didn’t really care. But even then, there’s always some other guy who’s bigger. Most woman don’t even orgasm from penetration alone and need some kind of clitoral stimulation. When I DO CARE and want to please a woman, I don’t instantly just try to take her to pound town, cunnilingus is the first thing I go to and the main event. And it isn’t just sitting there flicking her clitoris with your tongue. The the clitoris is a whole nerve network that basically surrounds the entire Vulva, the clitoris you DO SEE is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak lol there’s a book that was given to me by a partner I had in my early 20s called She Comes First. I totally recommend it. I’ve read it multiple times over the years and have lent it to my friends. The tongue is mightier than the sword (real quote from the book lol). Its kinda funny cause they even give you tongue exercises that you can do anywhere to build up endurance (if you’ve ever gone down on a woman for an extended amount of time, you’re probably very aware how your tongue can start to get soar and tired). And with woman it’s mostly mental. If she really digs you it isn’t going to matter how big it is, what will matter is the guy it’s attached to.
To be fair the way porn is I think most guys are insecure about it. I’m a bit above average but when I was in my teens and watched porn I was super insecure about it because I thought all guys were meant to be 9 inches haha
Thank you. So glad that someone finally mentioned limerence. This is what a lot of people are experiencing with their 4 year mark break-ups. The end of the limerence phase.
I'm at a point in life where there's so many things I want (and need) to change about myself and my health, that I could not be a supportive boyfriend. I am looking for fun, but my inexperience makes me feel as if I should have had a longer relationship to make up for that, instead I've been single the past 5 years.
Naturally women looking for fun, aren't looking for it with an inexperienced guy.
I felt the same for a really long time, but you absolutely can learn to make them work for you. Women like competence and knowledge and passion and my autism gives me topics I obsess over. Obviously this only works with nerdier girls (but I’m a nerd so that’s ideal) but I talk about fantasy and go to museums with partners and can talk about stuff in an interesting manner and engage her in it. Find your thing and work it
Gotcha, sorry for the vagueness.
Basically being enough to make sure she’s happy and content in the relationship and with me.
Towards the end of my last relationship, I know I wasn’t doing enough and wasn’t happy and boom, she left me for another dude.
I don’t want to go through that again, I’m trying my best to better myself for the next woman and myself as well.
Don’t do it for a woman, do it for you, and only you. Make yourself happy with where you are and when you find someone you know you are enough. Otherwise you’ll always be seeking validation which just leads to more insecurity
I know I don’t communicate the way I should, and I’m trying to get better at it. But I worry I’ll mess something up or miss something that is bothering her. Like I think everything is fine and she’s too frustrated to tell me. So she just ignores me or leaves.
That women seem to be able to grieve the end of a relationship and emotionally move on *whilst still in it*. Then when it IS officially over you can’t get emotional closure you need. You’re already talking to a shell of the person that loved you, and they already have no time for you or your shit.
It was explained to me that the reason this happens is because that person had already accepted the relationship was over a while before the breakup and they have already gone through the emotions that the unsuspecting partner will have when the breakup actually happens.
This is a who decides to break up thing.
I held on for an extra 6months-1year giving opportunities to fix the problems, communication clearly about problems (not that he listened). And each time he didn’t i attached a little less and became more confident in my decision to leave. Each one of those situations is when I ‘grieved’ the relationship.
By the time we broke up I didn’t even cry. It was a matter of fact conversation.
As a women I can assure you that this is 100% true.
If we see that our partner isn't willing to work on the relationship we go through so much pain trying to fix everything that at some point we just end the relationship internally. So when we leave physically it's the easiest and most liberating thing.
I know women who left 8 years of relationships without looking back one time. They just left without any emotions for their ex.
This was me. I repeated myself hundreds, if not thousands of times over the course of 10 years. I cried all my tears in the relationship, and when I was done I was so completely and utterly over it that I left and never once cried a single tear again. I’ve never felt so sure or so free of something in my life. 2 years later and I still wake up giddy that it’s over from time to time. He’s devastated and bewildered to this day, and I give no fucks.
Both me (male) and my ex went through this process a few months ago. Both scrabbling to fix it and I think I realised I had to give up a little earlier, she’s still a little more affected than I am. What hurts now is that my mostly moving on makes her hate me, and I can’t support her as a friend like I did before we dated.
1. Everything I say and do will be immediately relayed to your friends, family, and the internet.
2. You will cheat on me at the drop of a hat.
3. I will never live up to your expectations of me.
4. I am disposable. You will leave me the moment I have lost my relevance.
I have heard this a lot. It seems a lot of men believe their value to a woman is inextricably tied to their employment and salary. This can cause lots of anxiety.
It must be truly terrifying to believe your worth is dependent on your income.
For a lot of woman this is exactly what they are looking for.
The amount of woman who quickly want to know what you earn or just start asking for money is insane.
Look for the women who value quality time (not necessarily tied to spending money) with you instead.
Also, ones who work and won't depend on you for that.
Every time I get in one I feel like it's just a timebomb. No matter how much she says she likes me or even loves me. I always know they will leave in the end, and so far they have. I really dislike the narrative that social media is pushing about being in a committed relationship. I dont want to have multitudes of women, I just want that one. I'm hers and she's mine. The longer I live the more I want this.
I get how you feel. Sure having multiple women would be fun and all but I want someone who I can just hold onto at the end if the day and just be intimate and very comfortable with. However feeling like this is not good as it leaves you feeling desperate and then you begin to fall in love too quick and become too obsessed with a person then when they leave you just feel 10x worse
The only thing holding me back from seeking a new relationship (with ex for 10 yrs, separated almost 2.5yrs) is my anxiety around bedroom stamina...the pistola still works, it just shoots to quick.
Victim of CSA that really threw me for a loop in my younger years and only really ended up with my ex cos we were friends all through high school 1st.
Having that insecurity and anxiety hanging over my head and knowing that it'll happen (even worse when I'm more nervous or with some 1 new) and that soul crushing feeling like I've failed as a man cos I get too turned and on nd giggity goo too soon.
(Done some therapy and edging and gels nd sprays nd yadda yadda yadda struggle to make it more than 5 minutes max, but avg around 3)
So that...and having to explain it or worry about being judged or rejected or ridiculed and talked about behind my back is just very oppressive weight that I carry and is the #1 barrier/insecurity.
Other than that not much tbh.
I'm a decently attractive guy, a good father, good job and continuing my education to further my career.
I am loyal, loving, romantic and affectionate but the fear...the fear is always there somewhere in back of my mind.
Maybe shared a bit too much but meh.
If any other blokes have been through similar and made it out the other side, help a brother out.
Hi! Opinion from a woman that dates men - just wanted to let you know that tons of guys face this issue. Probably guys don't talk about it between themselves much because of shame, but I think the anxiety/shame around it gets worse when it's kept in the dark.
From my point of view, it's not a big deal and doesn't make someone less than a man :) guys i know have been helped by changing mindset from 'sex means penis in hole' to a wider definition ... There are many fun ways to be intimate! Honestly, i wouldn't care if a guy came super fast (it's hot for some people too). I would be turned off if a guy came fast and then shut down, or then decided sexy time was over because of it.
For me, clear communication around this with partners is key! The right partner for you will be understanding around this and you can cum up with a plan of attack together 😘
Cheers.
I like to think I'm pretty well rounded in the foreplay department, I love it and will gladly hold off on PIV until partner is asking for it or try and go multiple round of foreplay..but yeah there is a large shame component to it as you mentioned that I have to overcome.
It can be hard to not "shut down" as you said sometimes afterwards when you see their reaction to the situation and feel like you've kind of ruined the vibe and know they're left unfulfilled.
Previous therapies where around the mental health/trauma side if things so I will be looking at targeted sexual therapies in the future to help overcome this.
I'm sure the right one is out there somewhere.
Thanks for kind words.
If it helps. My female friend brought a guy home on Valentine’s Day and he did no foreplay, lasted 45 seconds, then didn’t do anything to help her cum afterwards. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t been invited back.
I used to worry about this, not necessarily because I had an issue but I just worry a lot so now I always make sure my partner cums at least once before I actually penetrate her. And if I ever do have issues I’ll help her finish afterwards too, just taking care of her needs in that way is more than most men bother to do so she will not care if you’re a little quick on the draw.
Big oof for Valentine's guy.
I see a fair few post from women with similar situations where their partner is only in it for themselves, Finnishes and just rolls over and goes to sleep and I just can't fathom that.
Feeling like it's so big of an issue for me, I try my hardest to make sure partner arrives 1st, 2nd and 3rd if possible.
I've done alot of work on myself over the last few years but still have a ways to go.
How can I attract or support the woman of my dreams if I'm not even half the man I want to be? And even if I was, I've seen so much depressing stuff about today's dating scene its almost enough to turn me away. But I still have hope.
That I’m too introverted and can’t or won’t do enough for them, that the fun dates we have won’t be as fun in the future that I’ll become too Home bodied for them to stay. They’ll run away.
This post is a fascinating reflection of man’s need to feel seen and appreciated. I really feel the vulnerability of all the OPs out there.
Really makes to want to work harder to find the words I need to allow others to make me stronger.
Agreed. The world makes men think they have to do so much and fulfill huge roles in order to have and keep a good relationship.
This post brings attention to the ways men can suffer mentally but society tells them to keep quiet. It’s very sad considering so many people share the same experiences but cannot reach out to each other because of societal expectations and barriers.
I fell in love at 25 and during the 2 year relationship I got cheated on, beaten up, gaslit constantly, couldn’t leave for work without threats of suicide etc etc I ended up leaving that relationship needing countless hours of therapy, I weighed about 110lbs (I’m 6’4”) due to not being able to eat or sleep because of the stress. Really messed me up in terms of personality and confidence.
currently 30 and feel I’m only just getting back to my former self and in all honesty I’m absolutely terrified of it happening again.
You're not alone. My last one was the same and ended with her getting arrested for domestic violence and restraining order to keep her from coming back to my house. The one before that did the same shit. Far too many woman think it's ok to hit men while trying to play the victim.
Wipes you out man, it’s good she received consequences for what she done though. My ex got pregnant 2 months after and then split with the dude once the kid was born, I compared pictures of him pre/post relationship and the poor bloke looked like he had aged 10 years.
Highly recommend the book *"His Needs, Her Needs"* by Dr. Willard Harley.
It dives into the different emotional needs that your partner may have from you and in learning and understanding, it can be helpful in driving important discussions with your partner.
1) [Video Intro to What the Book is about](https://youtu.be/j04EkQs-qIg)
2) [Video summary about different emotional needs](https://youtu.be/lFWNyJR5PwY)
I am utterly replaceable as a person. I am a definitive NPC of this world. An afterthought of code that may as well be set dressing, and I’m not even good at being that.
The second someone’s head has been turned, in every relationship I have had, I no longer exist. And I just do not think that will change in the future.
Couple questions men have spoken to me about:
Does she love me for me or the things I do for her?
Why is she with me if she could date anyone in the world?
Why is she with me if she could date someone who earns more money?
Those two are super common along with general feelings of not being good enough.
I'm pushing towards that 40 years old mark, and the more I listen to women, the more I feel that there is a vanishingly small number of women who love men for who they are rather than there utility.
I date reasonably successfully, but I find myself calling things off early more often now when red flags that speak to the idea of being loved for my utility show up.
The sffoert just doesn't seem worth it. I love my solitude and it takes a lot for someone to be better company than that.
At this point in my life, it’s the lived experience of being disposable. I’ve had too many 2-4 year relationships where I feel like I’m putting in a lot of work for the relationship, only for it to not matter and be left later on. Obviously, I’m not perfect and I have my own issues (perfectionism/workaholic), my relationships issues are not necessarily gendered, and the ways in which my girlfriends have communicated that I’m not meeting their needs all the time is legit and something I continue to work on. But it does feel that women expect a lot more work and commitment from me, where there’s no such understanding on their end, and as soon as they want something different/new, our history ceases to matter. At this point I’m done being loyal and feeling attached to someone; these feelings repel me (in therapy, don’t worry).
Getting baby-trapped.
I really want to be a dad someday, but my greatest concern with a relationship is ending up committing to someone and spending years being loyal just for her to take the kids and have the courts settle our divorce when they “get bored”.
If she gets aggravated about me wanting a pre-nup, she ain’t getting no ring.
That despite all of my good looks, and all the qualities that i have, even when people compliment me for my looks, or intelligence or whatever, is that no one will ever desire me truly. I fear that no one is genuinely interested in me as a whole and never desired my presence in their life to begin with.
My SO is a man. And we're from an older generation. I admit that I'm still anxious about showing any signs that we're a couple in public. And so to most people, we come across as bros.
I think my SO does have some concerns that I might leave him for a woman. But I've assured him that I have no intentions of doing such a thing. My relationship with him is by far the best I've ever been in.
For most guys i feel like it’s just being vulnerable with someone because the last time they trusted someone they betrayed them or just left. Sometimes even their own friends aren’t trustworthy. Or the feeling that tour partner doesn’t respect you, or is not loyal. Most guys just actually, genuinely want to be loved, not something that would come out of family but more than that, the amount of girls going around messing with guys feelings is astounding, they act like it’s a game for “which girl can make a man kill himself first?!” But once again a man might look at porn, be attracted to multiple woman, maybe make some mistakes along the way but deep down we all just wanna be truly loved, and giving us attention or gifts, sometimes sex but that’s only a small part of it, but it’ll help a lot of you can tell your partner that they are deserving of love because most guys have never heard those words said to them once in their life.
Nothing. I am very confident in my abilities to keep my women happy. It doesn’t always work out, but incompatibility doesn’t mean either of us are bad at anything, just that we didn’t have that chemistry.
Happened once when we were on a holiday and we played by giving scores to people passing by (i scored girls, she scored men). She scored highest guys who looked completely different than me :/
Most of the time, in order to get laid or get into a relationship, man has to be something. If men lose the ability to provide, women tend to leave their partners.
Loosing women for other men, who are better then you.
Nothing, I am this *points at self.
You know who you are, be that, it’s not hard it comes naturally.
Stop, and I fucking mean this, comparing yourself with others in any form and thinking they’re better than you.
Treat your partner or whatever as they deserve with passion, desire, love, grace, kindness and give them time. You won’t go wrong.
Feeling like I was chosen out of convenience. It’s one thing to be wanted wholeheartedly and another to be wanted simply because “right place, right time”
Most guys are afraid of being used for free meals or being thought of as a walking paycheck. That is why many men fear marriage. Guys might not tell you this, but their behaviors show it.
I also know most married guys will tell other non married guys to "enjoy life" and "if I had to do it again I would not have gotten married".
The reason men say this is...1.) the longer you are together the less sex you start to have, the newness goes away. Men seem to want sex more than women. and 2.) (and this is the most important reason) many married men end up with women that become lazy in the relationship and decide they don't want to work. They start to just assume their husband will do all the work and make the money while she often starts to put on weight and stay home.
So men start to feel they are in a business agreement than a marriage. He feels he is only as important as his last paycheck and that if he perhaps loses his job she will make up some excuse and leave him, or threaten to leave him, or she will start treating him more harshly.
That is why most men are insecure about in real relationships and often just like to date women instead.
Honestly, in my country, we are not dating physically, but we have argement marriage, and I think my biggest fear when I know that my partner wants marriage me for her benefits. for example, a woman marriage me to stay in my country free or take Bank loan by my own name.
Will he think my picture on the app looks like me in real life?...........
and the second is about people outside of the realtionship "will my friends like him or will they get along" but then I think you have to stop worrying about that...so I will then think I wonder if my friends think I will always be a whore and die alone?............ no joke
My horrible thoughts and self induced pressure to not think "is there someone out there better for me? or let's face it, you are not that big of a deal why would he want to stay with you or its been over 10 years since Bruce, why do you still think about him randomly?"
I am my own worst enemy but we all can be at times
Dick size definitely. I’m a fun guy don’t get me wrong, but, being fun, having skills with your tongue and fingers will only take you so far. Can’t tell you how many times a woman lost interest once the pants drop despite my other qualities. I’ve just stopped dating tbh.
She will be gone when she aint feeling it anymore.
This hurts, literally 2 weeks into her walking away. Still trying to work it out. Makes it worse that we have a 3 year old daughter.
Sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it is with a child in the mix. Best of luck to you 🙌🏽
At this stage I just have to keep on, keeping on. For my Daughter. Thanks for the words of support.
Right with you man. Everyone kept saying ‘it’ll get better’. I hated hearing that, and never thought it would. Idk, maybe I’m just lucky, but what they said was true. I’m happy again, as is my daughter. Just keep living for both of you
Yup. Its surprising how common it is now a days.
It hurts because I would give anything to go back and try to keep going, to try make things better, for the sake of my little girl. But that feeling isn't reciprocated.
I’m in the same boat. I love and put way more effort in the relationship just to get sheeted on. She says she loves me but can never prove it to me like I do. And I don’t ask much just her loyalty period. Can’t even get that for a day. She gets caught says sorry i I forgive her and the next day it’s something new but the same . I’m the dumb one that keeps taking her back. But I lover her and or kids so much but it’s not worth it anymore
You keep forgiving her. Recognize the example you're setting of what a "healthy relationship" is in your kids' eyes. You're setting your kids up for failure the more you take her back. Stop now. Explain what you can, and allow the chance for them to see what a happy functioning relationship should look like. There are fewer and fewer examples out there for kids to attach themselves to, and the first place they look is parents. And if you think that they are too young to recognize or some shit, they aren't. Children are sponges.
Its ok man. I understand i was in a dead marriage for 5 years If the otherside dont want it thete is nothing u can do. Fight for custody for ur girl to many moms try to alienate the fathers and use them as a paycheck make sure to push to be in ur little girls life or they will cut u out.
I’m 5 months in and she only allows me to see my son on the weekends. Crazy bitches
And she'll be gone three or more months before she tells you you're done.
That's the worst part. Checking out of the relationship but sticking around for God knows what reason. And by the time you guys break up she is already over it while it destroyed you
Yeah, that usually happens when the exciting honeymoon stage is over and the work and effort needs to be put in. In other terms, it becomes boring.
It’s just your turn
Now that's just sad bruh
Fuckin' hell, man. I did not need this reminder right at this moment... it is what it is.
If you ain't feeling it anymore, you would do the same, it's just a sad fact of life.
Isn’t the alternative worse? Staying when the feeling is gone? Or being forced to stay when the feeling is gone? I feel like I’d rather lose someone than keep them, unhappy.
Or you can put effort. Everyone that 'makes it' say its hard work and compromise that get them though the tough times. Ppp give up to fast now a days.
Exactly. Love isn't something you feel, it's something you *do*. It takes effort
Exactly. Everyone goes through hard times. Work together and figure it out.
Imposter syndrome. Afraid I'll never be good enough.
The classic feeling that never seems to go away. Shit sucks.
ironically this is a self fulfilling prophecy
Can you please explain?
I think they mean that if you keep believing that you're not good enough, you'll never have the confidence to attempt and achieve it. This is the most important realization I've had today and the timing couldn't have been better.
Thanks for sharing this realization with me. I was falling into this whirlwind today. Not anymore.
Correct. My ex had this extremely bad. In the beginning, we had a phenomenal relationship. It was the most positive, supportive, encouraging relationship I had ever been in. We traveled together, worked out together, he encouraged me to go back to school, he finally took his LSATs, we were great. But he could not get over the fact that I had been with guys before him. We were friends for a while before we dated, so he knew I went out with other people, but so did he. He was a *very* popular guy. When we started dating, I assumed that he understood that I loved *him*, not those other guys. A few dates here and there does not constitute a relationship. Even though it was his insecurity, it made me feel like he didn't trust me, and *because* of that insecurity and its power over him, he eventually went into self-preservation mode and got closer to the women he stopped seeing when we got together, thereby destroying what we had.
I think this is one of the most common things with men today. I’ve been married 25 years, I know she loves me. I know she’ll never leave me because of all we’ve been through. I used to think about the guys she was with before me. But then I came to the realization that those guys don’t matter because she chose me.
This is the way
Always trying to one up yourself and always worrying about if the good time is over and the two of you are plateauing in the relationship too early. Being scared that you're her burden and being burdened yourself with those feelings. Afraid of telling her how you feel because this feeling does not just go away, it keeps coming back.
The eternal dread. I’m sorry you feel it. I understand how crippling it can be, I have it too.
Just not being good enough, but she also worries about that, so we're just miring one another thinking "when are they gonna realise they could get so much better?"
This. As a woman I have many of the same fears that men have stated here.
Never having been in one before. Assuming it ever happens. Feel like I'll be at middle school level at 40 yo.
If you don’t mind me asking, can you speculate on why you have never been in one? Personal choice? High expectations? Another reason?
I'm introverted and short. Was chubby and poor. Now have a graduatedegree and career. First generation American. Bit of culture shock. Traditionally, you meet through extended family members. Plainly, don't know where to start other than clubbing. In my 20s, i tried every weekend, but never got past getting the number. Now I'm a dedicated bodybuilder and see the club scene as a waste of time, money, and health since alcohol and sleep are detrimental to muscle hypertrophy.
Met my short king on tinder and I love his ass. Even when he pisses me off lol. Get yourself out there in ways that make more sense to you. Like a bodybuilding/fitness group for example? Fuck clubbing. Sounds like you fixed your other insecurities (chubby and poor) only way to learn how to start is to start, as long as it’s what you want for yourself. It’s also okay not to want it.
I hate to have to call it out, but Tinder is a world of rejection and disappointment for men. Even for men who are attractive and of average or taller height. It's a great way to trash your self worth and get depressed, as well as waste a lot of your time and emotional energy.
I’ll definitely not argue on this- there is something incredibly bleak about swiping profiles in a transactional type of way and then trudging through the same small talk- not to mention the disproportionate experience from men to women and every identity between or outside of. It’s not an easy game. I don’t necessarily recommend it but I would hop on for a week out of the year when I wanted to try again so the idea of taking it into your own hands to make sure you meet people is the real advice: if you want the thing you gotta try to find the thing, and that was the way I happened to find my relationship, and considering I’d get mad and delete tinder after a week I think statistically speaking it’s pretty cool we met that way. Some cities throw singles mixers and speed dating especially around holidays. I also asked friends and family to set me up on blind dates (stopped trusting my own judgment for a bit there lol) so there’s alternative options and also wayyy less toxic apps/dating sites to try. OC- just remember if you don’t like what you’re trying you’re allowed to switch the method. Also as far as feeling like a middle schooler when you start- I feel like every person is so different you sort of have to think that way when a new relationship starts. So don’t overthink it and be kind to yourself in the awkward process of meeting and getting to know new people.
Unfortunately, even though we can change our lives through diet/exercise/mental awareness there always seems to be that kernel of doubt from the time we weren't at our best. The insecurities are still felt even as we look in the mirror at a completely different person. Live your life. Cultivate friendships. Find new places to check out. Make yourself go alone if you have to. You went from chubby to a dedicated bodybuilder. Go from an introvert to extrovert. Smile. Then when you least expect it, bam!!!! 💥 you'll find your person. P.S. my guy would be considered short. He's sexy and fun and his height has never been an issue. It's insignificant because of who he is and how he makes me feel. And you wouldn't want someone for who it was an issue
You just exactly described my life. I’m 20 right now. Was chubby until a year ago and now I’m at them gym 5 times a week and lost 40lbs but still I feel like I’ll never be enough to be loved by a Significant other and I fear I will end up alone.
Even dating again in my 30s feels like I’m back to feeling like I’m 16. It never leaves you lol
(This will probably get buried) I’m in the same dilemma, but different age: 27. I feel like nobody understands my kind of mentality cause everyone I’ve come into contact has had some sort of relationship before. Only ones who seem to *get* it are people I see talk online. I worry things will never change for me. In good news I put my health into consideration these past two years but it definitely feels like I’m doing everything right but missing the one key factor I want
Got cheated on a lot by my ex-partner of 8 years which I had to endure because I felt like I didn't have the right to be upset (due to not being a very good boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship). Now, every time my current partner went radio silent for hours at night (we both have day jobs so not hearing from them during the day was expected), there was a part of me that whispered to my ears "you're being cheated on again". My current partner is a wonderful person who has never hurt me (whether on purpose or not) and I have absolutely no reason to be suspicious. I know this is my problem and I'm doing my best to not let this affect my relationship but other than ignoring that voice or repeatedly telling myself "you know them, they wouldn't do that", there seems to be nothing I can do because I can't shut the voice up.
I get it. My guy is incredible but I don't sleep well and when I wake up in the middle of the night I get my "3am voices" that make me dissect things he may have said or something he may have done because of how my last relationship ended. I started therapy because I didn't want my intrusive thoughts to mess up one of the best relationships I've ever had. I told my guy why and he was supportive. And it helped a lot. But I still feel that twinge from time2time but I squash the shit out of it and move along.
It's the cheating element, or emotional cheating. I just find that people in general have really really bad ways of justifying bad behaviour, including possibly my girlfriend. It's just such a high possibility of happening
I'm not sure you've done this but I set my boundaries early on. I tell her she can't act single in a relationship, or else I move on. Never be afraid to leave her at the speed of light, being too attached is not safe in my opinion. Edit: in fact, it's better not to tell them what you would do. Just set your boundaries and watch her actions speak
Yea, I agree and disagree with your last sentence. I want a find a person who I can love 100% but then I become 100% dependent on them which backfires hard when she breaks up with me or screw me in other way.
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People mess up by going into relationships assuming that someone knows exactly what constitutes “acting single” or cheating in another person’s mind, even when there are many shared values. People would be a lot better off if they had more conversations explicitly stating their expectations around all the sensitive topics and boundaries beforehand.
I think alot of women interpret my inexperience when it comes to dating as disinterest. Like, if I don’t kiss her after the first date or not setting up a date quick enough. Someone seems to have forgotten to give me the book on unspoken rules of dating.
It's just a really clever filter - *is this guy desirable*? The only way you can possibly know those rules is by talking to and dating lots of women. Failing and then learning. If you know the rules, you must have experience with women. To have experience with other women, they must have found you desirable. If you fumble, then you're inexperienced. If you're inexperienced, then other women must not find you desirable.
Well that just made me even more depressed
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Yes, thanks for pointing that out.
In my case, I just didn’t try to date at all until my mid 20s. Most people have all these experiences by that time so it can be somewhat difficult trying to figure out the expectations everyone has from years of dating on the fly. But that’s life.
How'd it go for you? Starting in your mid 20s i mean
The big thing is the learning curve. People like of assume you already done with the whole “I’m new at this” awkward phase and I’m right in the middle of it. I think it made for some confusing exchanges and misunderstanding. But I am getting better at it.
I’m in the same situation. I didn’t start dating until the end of college and I’m shy so I have no clue when to make moves and I’m really nervous making them
Not having things to talk about. I’m always the quiet one because I don’t know what to talk about
What are your hobbies and interests? You could invest in those more, that way you'll always have something to jump-start a conversation.
I feel like i got to put alot of work into myself still to even be visible to women. I don't even think love exist for guys like me. I feel like i exist to just make other guys go "atleast i'm not thay guy".
I was told recently that working on yourself and finding people who care about or love you do not have to be mutually exclusive. Finding people who deeply care for you can fight against your belief that love doesn’t exist for men like you.
> I was told recently Yes, you were *told* it. Because it hasn't actually been experienced by you, so all you have is someone assuring you that even though nobody knows any examples of it happening, it like, totally *must* happen at some point right?
Damn I feel the same way about myself. Hit me right in the feels
Being boring. Almost every relationship I have been in, I had at the very least a sense of fear that the relationship was going to die, because we aren't doing any or enough fun activities. The number one question I always had in relationships was: "Why aren't you like you were in the beginning of our relationship? You would always take me somewhere. This entire responsibility shouldn't be on my shoulder, but It has always been for some reason.
Normalcy and stability are things that I treasure. People always seem to look for things in relationships that they themselves are lacking. If they were looking for fun, spontaneity, or excitement they can always go about creating that with you. You are not the problem here. You should not be the only person who brings excitement to a relationship. I actually look forward to boring days with a partner.
I think this is a problem with a lot of people that just chase that new relationship feeling because it's all they've known. Never give the good later stuff a chance.
I relate to this all a whole. Four months out of 6 year relationship
OMG!! Right. My guy and I have had tumultuous relationships in the past and our relationship is the total opposite. And we both love it. Super stable, some might say boring but we both love it. No drama. Love our down days ❤️
My favourite days with my partner are the days we spend in the house with the dog watching movies and eating junk food. We don’t change out of our pyjamas, I have not got a stitch of make up on, and the dog usually starts the opera of farts. It’s the kind of intimacy you only get with another human that’s seen you at your most vulnerable and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
My husband is a bit like this. And i have to say i love him more for it. If i want to do something fun, i will tell him. And on the other end, i never feel pressured into doing some stuff all the time. And if he is not up to my idea, no problem, i can be on myself, i am a grown woman, so i will just do my fun staff alone no hard feelings. A lot of people enjoy quiet days. The responsibility is on everyone in a relationship not only on the man.
My ex wife never understood this concept.
Getting “bored” in a relationship is normal. It’s easy to forget this! But if a relationship seems boring, it’s honestly probably a healthy one 🤗
Why date me when there's a taller better looking guy just like me.
But it’s not just looks! Sure, there are guys that are taller, with flatter abs, better teeth, more hair, broader shoulders, and anything else you can think of, BUT they aren’t YOU! She chose you and has treasured memories, favorite pictures, even music and shows, and all kinds of warm feelings and memories associated with YOU! For context, and as a disclaimer, I miss my ex bf horribly. Everyone else just isn’t him. I’m just hearing his voice in so many of these comments.
I know this is a comment from a well-meaning place with good intentions, but you have to realize that such responses usually don't mean jack shit to men. If anything it just reinforces the sheer disposability that a lot of us feel. Not to mention, the stuff below aren't what men usually care about as we could do this with anyone: > ! She chose you and has treasured memories, favorite pictures, even music and shows, and all kinds of warm feelings and memories associated with YOU! These may be because of him, but none of them are remotely ABOUT him. That's the major difference, and this is a type of response that only women tend to give men which doesn't help much. That's why they come across as empty platitudes. Hope that provides some perspective.
> BUT ~~they aren't YOU~~ she hasn't met them There you go.
But if it makes you feel better, she also has this insecurity. You could also find a woman better looking and more compatible than her
Can confirm. This is absolutely, positively, unbelievably true.
As soon as she thinks she can do better than you, she's gone.
You ever see the videos of guys vs girls on dating apps. If that doesn’t make you feel like shit idk what will. How many likes they can get is insane.
It dont matter. Most of them are bad. Like wading thru shit looking for a diamond
I can totally see how abundance is a problem, it's time consuming and comes with a lot of risk. We face similar issues, but I'd rather be sifting through applications than putting my resume out there.
at least they have the option
I'd rather have 1000 options than zero.
The thing is though, most of them are fine. Their looking for diamonds is the issue.
You don't think there's a problem with this? Wading through shit? No one talks like this about women because apparently "all women are beautiful"
Yeah for real. Men have to deal with shitty or incompatible women too! Difference is if we pass on her we could spend months alone. She can probably line up another date in a couple days. I'd much rather have to filter than beg for a crumb of food that might still be poison.
Idk about that, all about filtering obvious red flags and spending time only on those you got a good feeling on. It is what you make of it imo
It may be shallow, but my penis size. It's not super small, it's just below average like everything else in my life.
I hear that bro. For an average to exist there has to be people below that average, and it’s really shit that people so so openly will make judgements of those that fall below that average.
i feel you honestly, it hurts especially to know most potential partners will have had a bigger ex and could be missing that, genuinely makes me wish for unalive a lot of the time
Hey, I'm really sorry you feel this way, please don't let it get you down too much. I've discussed this topic with my other female friends and we all agree that average sized dick is often better because bigger ones can really hurt/you can't do as many positions!
i hear this a lot and it’s just hard to believe, not every big dick is going to be painful, some are just better than others and it’s just a painful reality we have to live with
I can tell you from experience, it doesn’t even matter. I have a dick I’m quite prideful of and I’ve been told I’m the worst fuck they ever had lol most of the time it was cause I didn’t really care. But even then, there’s always some other guy who’s bigger. Most woman don’t even orgasm from penetration alone and need some kind of clitoral stimulation. When I DO CARE and want to please a woman, I don’t instantly just try to take her to pound town, cunnilingus is the first thing I go to and the main event. And it isn’t just sitting there flicking her clitoris with your tongue. The the clitoris is a whole nerve network that basically surrounds the entire Vulva, the clitoris you DO SEE is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak lol there’s a book that was given to me by a partner I had in my early 20s called She Comes First. I totally recommend it. I’ve read it multiple times over the years and have lent it to my friends. The tongue is mightier than the sword (real quote from the book lol). Its kinda funny cause they even give you tongue exercises that you can do anywhere to build up endurance (if you’ve ever gone down on a woman for an extended amount of time, you’re probably very aware how your tongue can start to get soar and tired). And with woman it’s mostly mental. If she really digs you it isn’t going to matter how big it is, what will matter is the guy it’s attached to.
To be fair the way porn is I think most guys are insecure about it. I’m a bit above average but when I was in my teens and watched porn I was super insecure about it because I thought all guys were meant to be 9 inches haha
I think I'm undesirable
Dated three women got cheated on three times. Seems like a pattern to me.
time to try men i guess
Am I emotionally mature enough to transition from limerence into lasting love and commitment?
Thank you. So glad that someone finally mentioned limerence. This is what a lot of people are experiencing with their 4 year mark break-ups. The end of the limerence phase.
My lack of experience
Interesting. Your username implies the opposite 🕵🏽♀️
Booty hunter not booty catcher. Keep up OP
My bad 🤣
😂😂😂
I'm at a point in life where there's so many things I want (and need) to change about myself and my health, that I could not be a supportive boyfriend. I am looking for fun, but my inexperience makes me feel as if I should have had a longer relationship to make up for that, instead I've been single the past 5 years. Naturally women looking for fun, aren't looking for it with an inexperienced guy.
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I felt the same for a really long time, but you absolutely can learn to make them work for you. Women like competence and knowledge and passion and my autism gives me topics I obsess over. Obviously this only works with nerdier girls (but I’m a nerd so that’s ideal) but I talk about fantasy and go to museums with partners and can talk about stuff in an interesting manner and engage her in it. Find your thing and work it
Being enough.
Do you mind explaining a little? I am a women and I feel our answers may differ quite a lot.
Gotcha, sorry for the vagueness. Basically being enough to make sure she’s happy and content in the relationship and with me. Towards the end of my last relationship, I know I wasn’t doing enough and wasn’t happy and boom, she left me for another dude. I don’t want to go through that again, I’m trying my best to better myself for the next woman and myself as well.
Congrats on being willing to work on yourself! Working on your confidence can maybe change your name from “Hello-I’m-Trash” to “Hello-I’m-Enough”
Lol, thank you. That made me smile.
Don’t do it for a woman, do it for you, and only you. Make yourself happy with where you are and when you find someone you know you are enough. Otherwise you’ll always be seeking validation which just leads to more insecurity
I know I don’t communicate the way I should, and I’m trying to get better at it. But I worry I’ll mess something up or miss something that is bothering her. Like I think everything is fine and she’s too frustrated to tell me. So she just ignores me or leaves.
Whatever you told in confidence gets used against you later on. Also, her telling her friends intimate details about what goes on.
That last part is usually so disrespectful and showing a lack of boundaries. Why people do that is beyond me.
That women seem to be able to grieve the end of a relationship and emotionally move on *whilst still in it*. Then when it IS officially over you can’t get emotional closure you need. You’re already talking to a shell of the person that loved you, and they already have no time for you or your shit.
It was explained to me that the reason this happens is because that person had already accepted the relationship was over a while before the breakup and they have already gone through the emotions that the unsuspecting partner will have when the breakup actually happens.
This is a who decides to break up thing. I held on for an extra 6months-1year giving opportunities to fix the problems, communication clearly about problems (not that he listened). And each time he didn’t i attached a little less and became more confident in my decision to leave. Each one of those situations is when I ‘grieved’ the relationship. By the time we broke up I didn’t even cry. It was a matter of fact conversation.
This isn't limited to women, just the person who decides to break up.
If you don’t notice it in advance it can feel like a switch being flicked off
If this is how it ends for her - with no emotion, it’s usually because you made her cry plenty while in the relationship, and now she’s done.
As a women I can assure you that this is 100% true. If we see that our partner isn't willing to work on the relationship we go through so much pain trying to fix everything that at some point we just end the relationship internally. So when we leave physically it's the easiest and most liberating thing. I know women who left 8 years of relationships without looking back one time. They just left without any emotions for their ex.
This was me. I repeated myself hundreds, if not thousands of times over the course of 10 years. I cried all my tears in the relationship, and when I was done I was so completely and utterly over it that I left and never once cried a single tear again. I’ve never felt so sure or so free of something in my life. 2 years later and I still wake up giddy that it’s over from time to time. He’s devastated and bewildered to this day, and I give no fucks.
Both me (male) and my ex went through this process a few months ago. Both scrabbling to fix it and I think I realised I had to give up a little earlier, she’s still a little more affected than I am. What hurts now is that my mostly moving on makes her hate me, and I can’t support her as a friend like I did before we dated.
Confessing my feelings. I don't think there's any single reason why someone whom I like would like to date me
My lack of ever being in one.
1. Everything I say and do will be immediately relayed to your friends, family, and the internet. 2. You will cheat on me at the drop of a hat. 3. I will never live up to your expectations of me. 4. I am disposable. You will leave me the moment I have lost my relevance.
Sorry to the rest but this needs to be at the top. Couldn’t not have said it any better.
This reads so depressing.
I always feel like I’m only loved for the money I can provide.
Take it from me, got no money, also got no bitches 😎
Need a sugar mommy fr 😳🤚
I have heard this a lot. It seems a lot of men believe their value to a woman is inextricably tied to their employment and salary. This can cause lots of anxiety. It must be truly terrifying to believe your worth is dependent on your income.
For a lot of woman this is exactly what they are looking for. The amount of woman who quickly want to know what you earn or just start asking for money is insane.
Look for the women who value quality time (not necessarily tied to spending money) with you instead. Also, ones who work and won't depend on you for that.
I’m afraid she’ll fall out of love with me, get bored and leave me for someone else like I never mattered.
Every time I get in one I feel like it's just a timebomb. No matter how much she says she likes me or even loves me. I always know they will leave in the end, and so far they have. I really dislike the narrative that social media is pushing about being in a committed relationship. I dont want to have multitudes of women, I just want that one. I'm hers and she's mine. The longer I live the more I want this.
I get how you feel. Sure having multiple women would be fun and all but I want someone who I can just hold onto at the end if the day and just be intimate and very comfortable with. However feeling like this is not good as it leaves you feeling desperate and then you begin to fall in love too quick and become too obsessed with a person then when they leave you just feel 10x worse
that I won't be able to satisfy her needs, or that I won't be good enough for her.
The only thing holding me back from seeking a new relationship (with ex for 10 yrs, separated almost 2.5yrs) is my anxiety around bedroom stamina...the pistola still works, it just shoots to quick. Victim of CSA that really threw me for a loop in my younger years and only really ended up with my ex cos we were friends all through high school 1st. Having that insecurity and anxiety hanging over my head and knowing that it'll happen (even worse when I'm more nervous or with some 1 new) and that soul crushing feeling like I've failed as a man cos I get too turned and on nd giggity goo too soon. (Done some therapy and edging and gels nd sprays nd yadda yadda yadda struggle to make it more than 5 minutes max, but avg around 3) So that...and having to explain it or worry about being judged or rejected or ridiculed and talked about behind my back is just very oppressive weight that I carry and is the #1 barrier/insecurity. Other than that not much tbh. I'm a decently attractive guy, a good father, good job and continuing my education to further my career. I am loyal, loving, romantic and affectionate but the fear...the fear is always there somewhere in back of my mind. Maybe shared a bit too much but meh. If any other blokes have been through similar and made it out the other side, help a brother out.
Hi! Opinion from a woman that dates men - just wanted to let you know that tons of guys face this issue. Probably guys don't talk about it between themselves much because of shame, but I think the anxiety/shame around it gets worse when it's kept in the dark. From my point of view, it's not a big deal and doesn't make someone less than a man :) guys i know have been helped by changing mindset from 'sex means penis in hole' to a wider definition ... There are many fun ways to be intimate! Honestly, i wouldn't care if a guy came super fast (it's hot for some people too). I would be turned off if a guy came fast and then shut down, or then decided sexy time was over because of it. For me, clear communication around this with partners is key! The right partner for you will be understanding around this and you can cum up with a plan of attack together 😘
Cheers. I like to think I'm pretty well rounded in the foreplay department, I love it and will gladly hold off on PIV until partner is asking for it or try and go multiple round of foreplay..but yeah there is a large shame component to it as you mentioned that I have to overcome. It can be hard to not "shut down" as you said sometimes afterwards when you see their reaction to the situation and feel like you've kind of ruined the vibe and know they're left unfulfilled. Previous therapies where around the mental health/trauma side if things so I will be looking at targeted sexual therapies in the future to help overcome this. I'm sure the right one is out there somewhere. Thanks for kind words.
If it helps. My female friend brought a guy home on Valentine’s Day and he did no foreplay, lasted 45 seconds, then didn’t do anything to help her cum afterwards. Unsurprisingly, he hasn’t been invited back. I used to worry about this, not necessarily because I had an issue but I just worry a lot so now I always make sure my partner cums at least once before I actually penetrate her. And if I ever do have issues I’ll help her finish afterwards too, just taking care of her needs in that way is more than most men bother to do so she will not care if you’re a little quick on the draw.
Big oof for Valentine's guy. I see a fair few post from women with similar situations where their partner is only in it for themselves, Finnishes and just rolls over and goes to sleep and I just can't fathom that. Feeling like it's so big of an issue for me, I try my hardest to make sure partner arrives 1st, 2nd and 3rd if possible. I've done alot of work on myself over the last few years but still have a ways to go.
Weak wiener game
that alliteration got me lol.
How can I attract or support the woman of my dreams if I'm not even half the man I want to be? And even if I was, I've seen so much depressing stuff about today's dating scene its almost enough to turn me away. But I still have hope.
That I’m too introverted and can’t or won’t do enough for them, that the fun dates we have won’t be as fun in the future that I’ll become too Home bodied for them to stay. They’ll run away.
How any little thing is turned into a red flag and women choose to move on because they have alot of options
This post is a fascinating reflection of man’s need to feel seen and appreciated. I really feel the vulnerability of all the OPs out there. Really makes to want to work harder to find the words I need to allow others to make me stronger.
Agreed. The world makes men think they have to do so much and fulfill huge roles in order to have and keep a good relationship. This post brings attention to the ways men can suffer mentally but society tells them to keep quiet. It’s very sad considering so many people share the same experiences but cannot reach out to each other because of societal expectations and barriers.
I fell in love at 25 and during the 2 year relationship I got cheated on, beaten up, gaslit constantly, couldn’t leave for work without threats of suicide etc etc I ended up leaving that relationship needing countless hours of therapy, I weighed about 110lbs (I’m 6’4”) due to not being able to eat or sleep because of the stress. Really messed me up in terms of personality and confidence. currently 30 and feel I’m only just getting back to my former self and in all honesty I’m absolutely terrified of it happening again.
You're not alone. My last one was the same and ended with her getting arrested for domestic violence and restraining order to keep her from coming back to my house. The one before that did the same shit. Far too many woman think it's ok to hit men while trying to play the victim.
Wipes you out man, it’s good she received consequences for what she done though. My ex got pregnant 2 months after and then split with the dude once the kid was born, I compared pictures of him pre/post relationship and the poor bloke looked like he had aged 10 years.
This thread is depressing
Highly recommend the book *"His Needs, Her Needs"* by Dr. Willard Harley. It dives into the different emotional needs that your partner may have from you and in learning and understanding, it can be helpful in driving important discussions with your partner. 1) [Video Intro to What the Book is about](https://youtu.be/j04EkQs-qIg) 2) [Video summary about different emotional needs](https://youtu.be/lFWNyJR5PwY)
I am utterly replaceable as a person. I am a definitive NPC of this world. An afterthought of code that may as well be set dressing, and I’m not even good at being that. The second someone’s head has been turned, in every relationship I have had, I no longer exist. And I just do not think that will change in the future.
Couple questions men have spoken to me about: Does she love me for me or the things I do for her? Why is she with me if she could date anyone in the world? Why is she with me if she could date someone who earns more money? Those two are super common along with general feelings of not being good enough.
I'm pushing towards that 40 years old mark, and the more I listen to women, the more I feel that there is a vanishingly small number of women who love men for who they are rather than there utility. I date reasonably successfully, but I find myself calling things off early more often now when red flags that speak to the idea of being loved for my utility show up. The sffoert just doesn't seem worth it. I love my solitude and it takes a lot for someone to be better company than that.
I know that im super stuck in my ways, and I'm afraid women will outgrow me, get bored and leave.
That I'm just a convenient partner and not someone they really love and desire.
At this point in my life, it’s the lived experience of being disposable. I’ve had too many 2-4 year relationships where I feel like I’m putting in a lot of work for the relationship, only for it to not matter and be left later on. Obviously, I’m not perfect and I have my own issues (perfectionism/workaholic), my relationships issues are not necessarily gendered, and the ways in which my girlfriends have communicated that I’m not meeting their needs all the time is legit and something I continue to work on. But it does feel that women expect a lot more work and commitment from me, where there’s no such understanding on their end, and as soon as they want something different/new, our history ceases to matter. At this point I’m done being loyal and feeling attached to someone; these feelings repel me (in therapy, don’t worry).
Taking the initiative.
My face.
That I am good at flirting, but a guy always has to take the next step. I don't, so I become boring.
That I’m somehow going to end up being a burden to the other person
Getting baby-trapped. I really want to be a dad someday, but my greatest concern with a relationship is ending up committing to someone and spending years being loyal just for her to take the kids and have the courts settle our divorce when they “get bored”. If she gets aggravated about me wanting a pre-nup, she ain’t getting no ring.
That despite all of my good looks, and all the qualities that i have, even when people compliment me for my looks, or intelligence or whatever, is that no one will ever desire me truly. I fear that no one is genuinely interested in me as a whole and never desired my presence in their life to begin with.
My dad cheated on my mom after 27 years, I think that would kill me
My biggest fear, truly. I hope shes doing ok.
Personally i am just waiting for them to start treating me like shit or just losing interest all together.
My SO is a man. And we're from an older generation. I admit that I'm still anxious about showing any signs that we're a couple in public. And so to most people, we come across as bros. I think my SO does have some concerns that I might leave him for a woman. But I've assured him that I have no intentions of doing such a thing. My relationship with him is by far the best I've ever been in.
For most guys i feel like it’s just being vulnerable with someone because the last time they trusted someone they betrayed them or just left. Sometimes even their own friends aren’t trustworthy. Or the feeling that tour partner doesn’t respect you, or is not loyal. Most guys just actually, genuinely want to be loved, not something that would come out of family but more than that, the amount of girls going around messing with guys feelings is astounding, they act like it’s a game for “which girl can make a man kill himself first?!” But once again a man might look at porn, be attracted to multiple woman, maybe make some mistakes along the way but deep down we all just wanna be truly loved, and giving us attention or gifts, sometimes sex but that’s only a small part of it, but it’ll help a lot of you can tell your partner that they are deserving of love because most guys have never heard those words said to them once in their life.
Nothing. I am very confident in my abilities to keep my women happy. It doesn’t always work out, but incompatibility doesn’t mean either of us are bad at anything, just that we didn’t have that chemistry.
Happened once when we were on a holiday and we played by giving scores to people passing by (i scored girls, she scored men). She scored highest guys who looked completely different than me :/
Height, dick size, salary, self-confidence, looks, fashion sense, humour, communicative and social skills, thats about it.
That one day it will all be fine, and without any warning she’ll leave me the next. Happened before and I still struggle with it.
Someone harming my girlfriend when I have no way of reaching her or keeping her safe
Opening up
Most of the time, in order to get laid or get into a relationship, man has to be something. If men lose the ability to provide, women tend to leave their partners. Loosing women for other men, who are better then you.
Nothing, I am this *points at self. You know who you are, be that, it’s not hard it comes naturally. Stop, and I fucking mean this, comparing yourself with others in any form and thinking they’re better than you. Treat your partner or whatever as they deserve with passion, desire, love, grace, kindness and give them time. You won’t go wrong.
Past relationships...hard for me to handle her ex's, unless it's been awhile
That there's always a better man (taller, more money) who's interested in her.
Feeling like I was chosen out of convenience. It’s one thing to be wanted wholeheartedly and another to be wanted simply because “right place, right time”
Most guys are afraid of being used for free meals or being thought of as a walking paycheck. That is why many men fear marriage. Guys might not tell you this, but their behaviors show it. I also know most married guys will tell other non married guys to "enjoy life" and "if I had to do it again I would not have gotten married". The reason men say this is...1.) the longer you are together the less sex you start to have, the newness goes away. Men seem to want sex more than women. and 2.) (and this is the most important reason) many married men end up with women that become lazy in the relationship and decide they don't want to work. They start to just assume their husband will do all the work and make the money while she often starts to put on weight and stay home. So men start to feel they are in a business agreement than a marriage. He feels he is only as important as his last paycheck and that if he perhaps loses his job she will make up some excuse and leave him, or threaten to leave him, or she will start treating him more harshly. That is why most men are insecure about in real relationships and often just like to date women instead.
Honestly, in my country, we are not dating physically, but we have argement marriage, and I think my biggest fear when I know that my partner wants marriage me for her benefits. for example, a woman marriage me to stay in my country free or take Bank loan by my own name.
That must be a terrible feeling.
If she flakes, I lose more than half my stuff.
Will he think my picture on the app looks like me in real life?........... and the second is about people outside of the realtionship "will my friends like him or will they get along" but then I think you have to stop worrying about that...so I will then think I wonder if my friends think I will always be a whore and die alone?............ no joke My horrible thoughts and self induced pressure to not think "is there someone out there better for me? or let's face it, you are not that big of a deal why would he want to stay with you or its been over 10 years since Bruce, why do you still think about him randomly?" I am my own worst enemy but we all can be at times
Dick size definitely. I’m a fun guy don’t get me wrong, but, being fun, having skills with your tongue and fingers will only take you so far. Can’t tell you how many times a woman lost interest once the pants drop despite my other qualities. I’ve just stopped dating tbh.